I Miss Him So...

[cheryl36]

Kate, I am so very sorry that you have to hit this milestone without your Doug!  Scott and I were so looking forward to the very same thing.  We owned a Heating and air co. and ironically, before he was dx with brain cancer he had applied for a license in florida so that when the kids were grown.  We would move there and retire!  I feel so robbed!  Also I want you to know that NO  your not a bad mother, you are a human being, and the reason you don't miss them as much is because they are young and are starting to get on with their own lives.  It's not that you don't love them at all.  You, just like me had a plan, and like me, you didn't have a plan B! I don't think anyone has a plan B.  Who the hell wants a plan B?  Plan A was perfect! Right?  It was for me.  Now I have to find my own way by myself, and I will, it's just taking me longer then I expected.  I wasn't antisipating at 34 to have to start all over again (that was almost 4 years ago) And I still don't have my ducks in a row.  As for your job opportunity, consider everything that is going on with your situation before you jump.  But also keep in mind, you don't want any "what if's" if you don't take it.  Much love and may God bless you!!

Cheryl;)

 

[airymoon]

eventually

I want you to know that I feel your pain and i am sorry for all of what you are going through. What you are feeling is normal. The starting of the second year was harder for me than the first. I think it was really because all during the first year i was pretty numb and then the second year it hit me "This is for real" and that  hurt like hell. As far as getting on with your life.... Yes we all have to get on with them but how do we do that? We cant just sit and wait for our time to come too and i know i would have rather done that then get on with my life. It just isnt possible. We all have our own way and time frame and it is not up to anybody else how we do it. And it is not as simple as meeting someone new. I think your tattoo is a very cool idea and dont worry about what someone would think if you met someone. If he doesn't understand why you have it then he is not the one you would want.  My sister lost her husband at the age of 26. She stopped going to his grave after 6 months. It was just too hard on her and it made it worse. He isnt at the grave anyway If you feel guilty about not going then try to pick a special day or two and go on those days.  The hole in your heart doesnt close it just sort of grows over but it is always there and sometimes the covering is thick and strong and sometimes it is not and it tears easily. The thing is as time goes on it is easier to cover but it is always there. If you dont want to see the therapist you were seeing then maybe you could find a different one or a group to go to.

I hope your days become easier and your nights peaceful.

becky

[armaiti]

Today I entered a piece of my art in the Mayor's Art Show; I'll know in a week if I got in the show or not.  It is bittersweet as I always talked to Ishaq about how I wanted to have a gallery show and how great it would be that he'd be there, maybe playing music on his guitar.  But he isn't here in a body to be there with me if I get into this show.  I know he is proud of me, though, in the form he is in now.

I went for a long walk along the river this afternoon, stopping at different places to swim.  It was a hot day.  On the way back I stopped at one of the numerous benches along the bike path, that are dedicated to people who have crossed over.  This was a new one, and when I read the dedication it turned out that it was for the husband of a friend of mine - her husband passed just two weeks before Ishaq.  It was very sweet to find that bench and write to Ishaq in my journal.  Now I'm back having a nice chilled glass of wine, and getting ready to make a mess of pesto from basil my neighbor gave me yesterday.

So it has been a good day.  Now it is two years, one month, and one day since Ishaq crossed over.  It has gotten easier, but I still miss him every day.   

I hope you all are having a peaceful day.

Blessings,

Anna

[alwaysalone]

Anna - Congrats! Be proud of what you have accomplished. You are an inspiration in your relationship with this horror in our lives. The peace I feel from you is amazing and a help in accepting my membership in this horrible club of ours. Thank you, and good luck with the show!

Kate

[susanbruce]

Hello everyone, it's been 2 years 3 months for me. I found this site very soon after Bruce passed away and was just in awe of how many other people out there hurt just like I do.  I would look at people going about my day and wonder if they were going thru the loss of a husband or wife.  This site has helped me feel not so alone, that there are people out there that really do understand what our lives are like now.

My second  year was worse than the first. Group grief sessions told me it would be but I just couldn't imagine anything being worse than the first year. I guess the first year was shock and numbness. The second year was reality setting in and that was the absolute worst. People expect you to be BETTER when the second year comes around. They probably think by the third anniversary next April I should be completely over IT. To those people I say, you just wait. I probably sound bitter but it's the truth. Just wait and see. Everyone handles things differently I do understand but let me grieve and live how I want to do it.

This unsettles alot of people when I say this - I am just 50 years old, I don't want to live as long without Bruce as I did with him. We were married for nearly 27 years. There will never be another man in my life. I am not interested at all and never will be. I believe that one day he and I will be reunited  and all my sadness will be gone.

He died unexpectedly. No warning, nothing. Just went to work that Friday morning in a thunderstorm, told him to drive carefully and that afternoon just before 4 PM he dies from a massive heart attack.  We never had the talk about what we want each other to do once one of us passed away. If I at least had those words to remember, I am positive it would help me today. We just didn't have those conversations, life was going just fine, our daughter had just gotten married 2 months before, life was good.  It was just US again. We lived a very content life. Not alot of excitement, we didn't go out alot, went out for ice cream on Saturday night and drove around on the way home, type of life.  We were content.  So how I am supposed to feel now?

I feel lost and alone. I have 3 comfort zones - my house, my car and where I work. No where else. I am in therapy which gives me someone to talk to. I am on medication which helps but the pain is still there.

Thank you listening. So many of you I admire.

Susan

 

 

[honkingbird]

Hi all,

I've been  widow for almost 7 years. It has gotten so much *easier* but the feelings of loss and "broken-ness" run deep. The sadness in my eyes never quite leaves, no matter how happy I might feel. I'm not actively grieving, but I'm not 100% either. I would love to get remarried, yet the thought of loving like that again leave me with the shivers.

SMR

[Error username not found]

its good to hear from someone whos been in this longer than most of us. at least we know what to "look forward to" in a way.  well ill tty all when i feel like typing. just dont feel like it lately. hope everyones good.

[cheryl36]

BACA: I AM SO SORRY TO HERE THAT YOU ARE HAVING ONE OF "THOSE" DAYS!  I TOO AM FEELING DOWN AND BLUE TODAY.  FOR ME IT WILL BE 4 YEARS NOVEMBER 28TH.  AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM SO DOWN, INFACT I'VE BEEN DOWN ALL WEEK.  THERE IS NO ANNIVERSIES, OR BIRTHDAYS THIS MONTH FOR ME.  I CAN SAY THAT MY WORST YEAR WAS THE SECOND YEAR.  I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO START TO LIVE AGAIN UNTIL LAST NOVEMBER.  I HAD MADE MYSELF A PAT THAT I WAS GETTING MY ASS UP AND GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND GET A JOB, AND TRY TO GET A LIFE.   GOD KNOWS EACH AND EVERY DAY FOR ME IS A CHALLENGE.  SOMETIMES JUST GETTING UP AND TAKING A SHOWER IS ABOUT ALL THE ENERGY I HAVE.  I STILL GO TO SCHOOL AND AM ACTIVELY APPLYING FOR THE BOARD OF EDUCATION.  I JUST FEEL SO LOST, LIKE I JUST CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT HIM.  AND THE FUNNY THING IS, IS I NOW HAVE A BOYFRIEND, WHO IS SO VERY UNDERSTANDING, LOVING AND CARING, AND I'VE KNOWN HIM LONGER THEN I KNEW MY OWN HUSBAND.  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I HAVE NO PLANS TO EVER MARRY! BEEN THERE DONE THAT.  BUT I ENJOY COMPANY.  MY BOYFRIEND IS A REAL GOOD LISTENER, AND WE DO DO A LOT OF THINGS TOGETHER.  BUT I STILL LONG FOR MY SCOTT!  I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY ADVICE, BECAUSE EVERYTIME I DO, (AND USUALLY WHEN I GIVE ADVICE I'VE HAD AN OKAY DAY).  IT SEEMS TO COME CREEPING BACK UP ON ME AGAIN.   I CAN ONLY TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE BY NO MEANS ALONE IN THIS.  THE LOVES OF OUR LIVES MAY HAVE LEFT UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT THE FEELINGS ARE ALL TO REAL AND RUN VERY, VERY DEEP!  I THINK PART OF THE REASON I DID GET UP AND GO BACK TO SCHOOL IS TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN STAND ALONE, AND MAKE IT ALONE WHATEVER IT TAKES, AND JUST SO I CAN GO BACK TO THE CEMETERY ONE MORE TIME TO TELL MY SCOTT THAT NOW I KNOW I'M GONNA BE OKAY!  I HAVE STOPPED GOING TO SEE HIM BECAUSE IT HAS THE MOST PROFOUND EFFECT ON ME, AND I GOTTA FIND SOME PEACE AND LET HIM HAVE PEACE TOO.  GOD KNOWS I LOVE HIM, AND I WILL BE THERE WITH HIM SOME DAY FOREVER.  I'M SORRY IF I DIDN'T HELP MUCH, ALL I CAN DO IS OFFER YOU PRAYER AND IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, TALK TO HIM, AND TALK TO HIM OFTEN!  I DO!  IT HELPS ME.  I FEEL SCOTT ALL THE TIME, AND SOMETIMES I THINK I'VE LOST MY MIND BECAUSE HE IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY.  AS TIME GOES BY I DO GET BETTER AND THESE BAD DAYS ARE FEWER, BUT WHEN THEY COME, IT'S HARD ON ME AND MY HEALTH.  I LOST MY HUSBAND WHEN I WAS 34, NOW I'M 38 AND FEEL LIKE I'M EVERY IT OF 80.  I JUST WISH I COULD TAKE EVERYONE'S PAIN AWAY.  IF I COULD I WOULD IN A SECOND.  IF I JUST COULD UNDERSTAND THE WHY OF IT ALL, MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO LIVE WITH SOME PEACE.  SORRY, I'M JUST RAMBLING ON..  MUCH LOVE AND PEACE TO YOU ALL..

CHERYL

 

 

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey Ladies~ I am kind of just here..getting ready to head east (for real this time)I really need to get out of this house in a bad way. The thing is where will I go from here? and now with the economy I may be stuck with this money sucker! I really feel in limbo here and just ALONE. it totally sucks. I have found out how much our friends and family will actually "help" too which is an eye opener(try NONE) we just have absolutley no support at all and lately I am mad at the world. grrrr. Nobody gets it either which is unnerving. and top that all off with a special needs child and I feel like I am just whining all the time. I am committed to start rebuilding our lives and cultivating relationships that sustain us cause our current relationships just aren't cutting it. Thankfully my mom and I are close but she is far away and even so, doesn't get the reality either of my life. no one does really, it's very depressing. I'm sick of asking for support and getting blank stares or silence. Or worse yet fakey small talk like everything is ok. it's not ok and I don't know if it will ever be ok again. I am definitely not the same person I was so let's stop pretending shall we? I guess I am ready to move on with my life at this point and it's going to involve leaving some folks behind in the past, yk?

My son has been asking for his daddy alot too and cries for him when he gets in trouble. I am not sure if it is a manipulative thing or what. surely he does not remember his dad though? (he was 17 months old when he died). and quite frankly I don't WANT toi talk about his dad with him either right now. but of course I'm the only one that will do it. anyway I'm here too but just really PO'd lately. OH yeah there's also the fact that I still need to dispose of D's ashes and at this point it's the last thing I want to do.  This morning I was tempted to go dump them somewhere as I am suddenly wanting them gone. Then I feel guilty. But what the hell am I supposed to feel like?

and I just really can't get over what a waste it all was(is), and I am just really sick of putting energy into him is all. his memory. his lies and betrayals. cleaning up every damn mess he left. cause look where he left me and 2 innocent kids?  yet according to some (like his family that lives in make believe land) I should just memorialize him. I am just done and really want to wash my hands of it all in a bad way. of course there's still a bunch of court stuff to deal with and BS that shouldn't be mine to deal with too..oh what joy! (not) ok now I AM totally whining here..I just really wish I wasn't so stupid that I fell for someone so deceitful and wasted 8 years of my life (+3 more mourning a damn lie!) how dumb am I??? why do I seem to attract loser husbands is my big question? well at least my first husband wasn't a liar (and there's nothing I despise more than someone who lies is the whole irony of it all) grrr!!! I guess the joke is on me, but I am not amused.

[airymoon]

April  your not stupid or any of that your frustrated and why wouldn't you be. You were betrayed in the worst way and he isnt here for you to yell at and even worse you probably feel guilty when you get angry because he isn't able to fight back so it unresolved and always will be unless you can come to peace with it. As for his family and his ashes, could you give his ashes to them to memorialize or are you not comfortable with that. I know they aren't close to you but it would be a way to get that done with at least.

At least you will be getting away for a little while just be careful with the new guy and get to know him really well before you make any future plans. I know a lot of people who are in the same boat with their house as you are a lot of them are just moving and letting the bank take the house back they are really backed into a corner and have no other out.

I hope your trip and the guy is everything you want it to be. You deserve it

becky

[aprilmoonflower]

Thanks Becky!!

Oh yeah the new guy is still mr. wonderful! well I mean as far as I can tell from afar I mean but we really are hitting it off I think..The big question for me is if I didn't know the man I was living with for 8 years then how do you know really know anyone? I am not about to let all that past stuff rule new relationships though, so I am totally trusting all that as far as the new guy goes. Well until we meet and stuff then we'll go from there! But things are looking good in that area! yay! Not sure about plans but we have both agreed we're not doing the long distance thing! Anyway I really do have good feelings about HIM! anyway, I am thinking I will stay for a few months and see how it goes. I just need to get away from the house and stuff..the good thing is I don't need to be here to work and stuff.

 yeah the economy sucks. I will likely just ride it out though with the house. I'd hate to let the bank take it though! plus it's looking like probate won't be done until next June anyway at the earliest. (only D's name is on everything we own, what a mess)

oh yeah as for his ashes, the family already had them once and I had to threaten legal action to get them returned (a year later). I actually don't even know if what I have are his cremains though..ugh! I may just spread them off our hill here..or something? who knows, they'll probably sit on the closet shelf for now cause I don't even want to touch them really.

ok sorry to be such a downer today!

[armaiti]

April, the two men I lived with prior to Ishaq ended up having secrets that I didn't realize about until too late - one spent all our rent money on coke, and the second was sleeping around behind my back.  So I was just really open and clear with Ishaq when we got together, and he never disappointed me, and I knew he was the REAL DEAL. So maybe this new guy is for you too!

I've been having some really down days too...maybe because I don't really have anything to look forward to...no family visits or Sufi Camps...I mean, there is the chance that my art will get in the Mayor's  Art Show and that's cool, but also sad for me, because Ishaq won't be there at the opening with me if it does...

Lately I just wish I could sleep all day and not feel this emptiness inside.  I wrote a poem a few days ago I posted to the poems thread...about being alone at night.  Anyway, for now I'm getting lost in watching the Lord of the Rings again and reading the books too...it was a good escape when I was miserable at fourteen, it will probably work as a good escape when I'm miserable at 53.  I just feel like I'm kinda going through the motions...picking hazelnuts, drying apples and pears, doing the whole put up food for the winter thingy.  By the way, April, I read your Associated Content article on SAM-e and I went and bought some and am trying it, because I have felt REALLY depressed for a while here and it's getting really hard to deal with.  Any idea how long it takes for it to kick in?  Did you take it? And how much did you take? 

Anyway, sorry for all those that are feeling crappy.

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- well that makes me feel better. I was never one of those nosey wives who demanded his time and things. (whch he used to thank me for!) in fact I used to encourage him to go out and have fun with his friends all the time (especially while I was huge and pg) I hate to be overbearing. he was an adult and made his own decisions. I don't fault him for it  exactly because he was under lots of pressure and also always the kind of person who was the life of he party and willing to try anything once, I can actually see how it happened now in hindsight, so anyway I am at peace with it in a way but  I can also still be mad about about it too at times! especially when his **** STILL affects my life when all I want to do is move forward! I feel a little trapped by it all in a way..I totally need to do a cleansing or letting go ritual or something..

anyway I'm feeling much better today. was feeling kinda crabby yesterday. thanks for listening to me vent and be all bitchy!

Miss- where are you!?!?! (I know you are busy with school starting just messing with ya!) I hope you are having a good transition.

btw BACA guess where I might be headed while I'm back east!?! yep, your town!!! I got a new job and might go down there for a meeting. If so and you aren't weirded out (cause i know how you are!) we should meet up, I will buy ya a drink (or at the very least a pizza, cause I sure miss back home pizza from NY!!!) and we can let our kids play!

[Error username not found]

LOL APRIL!!!! yeah, im weirded out... BY STRANGERS!! LOL. not by you! of coarse. that would be really cool. Let me know when u might be coming.

[airymoon]

April Good for you on your job and the new guy. Anna i'm sorry your having a rough time lately. I just started back to work after the summer and already the guy I'm dating ex wife is making trouble.  Their daughter who i see every time she is with her dad is at the school i work at but not in my room and her mom has requested that i not be allowed in the same room with her at all. Not only is that impossible because the school does things together  but it will hurt his daughter because whe wont know what is going on and if the school honors her request then whe will be pulled out during the special things and mad to sit in the office in order not to be by me. I dont know I am really questioning wether or not dating is worth all the hassle of an ex wife and the hurt and crying i am doing lately. I think I would rather be alone at least then the stress is my stress not caused by someone else.

Im just damn sick of hurting and even more sick of trying to live and make it in this life/

[aprilmoonflower]

Becky- that's exactly how i felt when i was seeing homeschool dad.  oh boy!! just totally not worth it with the jealous ex going on that hates you for no reason other than jealousy..I have no advice but HE should be stepping it up and making peace. so often men are just scared little boys that way. ugh! ((Hugs)) and if you want to meet up too on my trip I'm game (but I know you are a bit off the path!)

dorothy- are you in Philly or pittsburgh? cause I'm headed down that way in October too I think!

[laquinn]

Today has got to be the worst day so far. I have a grandson that will be 5 on Monday the 8th and we don't know if he  will be here with us then! He has been on life support since he was born along with other things. The Dr's told us he wouldn't make it to his first birthday but he did and now his system is starting to shut down. But I am also starting the what was I doing this time last year with Randy. He started radiation treatment on the 8th.

This is all to hard for me to do I should have someone with me to help me consol the kids and I don't. I should not have to be doing this again so soon! I go to the house to see him but I can't stay for very long because it just brings back so many memories of Randy lying in that bed. I feel so cheated by all of this, it's not fair not to any of us. 

I was talking to a friend of mine today and it just hit me that on Oct 12th it will be a year since Randy left me and yet it seems like it was just yesterday. This whole week has just been a very bad week for me and now I have gone back to not sleeping again and not eating.

I just want to runaway from here but I can't not now. I don't know that it will help but I am finding myself just wanting to be by myself with no one around me. I don't even care if I go to work anymore and I love that job. Things are just getting to be to hard to do anymore. When will all of this stop hurting so bad?

Sorry this is so long just having a bad night. Thanks for listening. Lela

 

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]April, I am in Pittsburgh.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me know when you are coming my way.  I would love to meet you face to face.  I would take you out for dinner, drinks and if you feel up to it a session in Zumba................I still love it.  Keeps me going and makes me very happy.  I have met alot of nice people at the class. 

August was a very busy month for me.  I sold the van and traded my cougar in on a 2008 Subaru Tribeca in a Newport Blue Pearl Color..........it is totally loaded.  It handles like a dream.  I hope to plan a road trip in the very near future.  I have no idea what direction I will be going in.  I'll just load up my SUV and hit the road.  I have no fear of traveling alone if I did I would have to stay in my house and become old very fast.  That is not going to happen to me..............life is too damn short.

I must have a new Zumba walk...........I was in the grocery store on Monday, a very young man in produce started up conversation with me but I brushed him off saying that I was behind schedule.............he followed me to another section of the store and gave me his number on a piece of paper.  He is interested in going out with me.  I was still laughing to myself when an older man started conversation with me in the dairy section.  He also wanted to take me out........I guess the stories of people looking for dates in grocery stores is very true.  Of course I have no intention of calling the number (Dan) which I still have tucked away in my wallet.....lol

I am still with Jenny Craig.................since I started I lost 42 1/2 pounds.  I am becoming a very slim person with one hell of a walk.......THANK YOU ZUMBA!

I better go to sleep I have to be at class at 9:00 AM.......

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[/align]

[airymoon]

April I told him the exact same thing. Step it up get some balls and stanfd up to her because i was done taking it and the next time something happened i would handle it myself and the only one the would be good for is me because i am damn sick of waiting for him to do anything.  I would love to meet up with you even if I am off the path just let me know when you get closer to indy and I'll see if i can swing it

becky

[cheryl36]

PLEASE CLICK ON THIS SITE AND READ!!www.dashpoemmovie.com   THANK U!  

[armaiti]

Becky, he better step up and show some balls - if not, you sure deserve better than that! 

April, I'm glad you are going to get out and get on the road.  I wish I could come back and meet you all, but that trip is not for me right now.

And Dorothy, even if you have no intention of calling them, that's got to be a validation of all the hard work you've put into getting into shape!

I'm feeling a little better...maybe it's the SAM-e, or maybe I'm just going upwards from the downwards spiral.  I wrote the first chapter of my book today, the one about Ishaq's passing and all the things that have happened since.  And I went for a long walk on the river path and did a bunch of photography.  

I was talking to Ishaq's best friend yesterday, the man who's girlfriend died from a brain tumor, just about six months after Ishaq.  I was talking about the art show and how I'd know tomorrow if I got in, but it would sad even if I did, because Ishaq wouldn't be there with me.  He pointed out that a lot of my art I started after Ishaq had passed, that a lot of the creativity came out of all of that, and I might not even have created this piece, or any piece like it, if not for what I'd gone through.  Something to think about. 

It's really feeling that autumn...time to go drain my little pool so it can dry out and be put away. 

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I must admit it did make me feel good.  Being checked out I thought it was a thing of the past.......You never know what is coming your way...

I hope you continue the climb of your spirits being high.  That is what they want for us.  We all have a long life ahead of us we must make ourselves happy...whatever it takes we must do.

I am starting Pilates Plus next week.  It is being offered at Zumba.  I'll let you know how I do. 

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

lol. I would love to meet you all!  I will let you know (in a PM) when it gets closer to the time I leave (around the 15/16th. But I'll also be driving back too, so either way!

lela- I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time ((hugs)) you don't have to hide what you feel though. it's ok. even though things aren't. how very difficult though. I'll be thinking of you.

[superwife]

airymoon do you live in indy. i was born and raised there. we moved to fl when i was 17, but i still have family there .

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I'm not sure I answered your question but I am pretty sure it takes like 4+ weeks for the effects of sam-e to be seen. I'm sure if you are sensitive to things it could work quicker though! I used it once but not very long but have heard great things about it from friends who have used it! (if anyone is reading and wants to try it, it is an amino acid and you can get it at your local health food store or online, but DON'T take it if you are bipolar!!)

[aprilmoonflower]

btw baca you are now queen officer of the facebook group!

if anyone else wants an invite just register, then message me at facebook! (April Horton)

[mishknit]

you know,

it's so hard to not respond here for a little while, cuz so much goes on!

meanwhile...anna, glad you're feeling better, glad, april, you're about ready to head out on your adventure!

and becky..i'm for him taking the high road or hitting the road..jeez!

and dorothy...i am not at all surprised about either of those men hitting on you...and never say never, my friend.....you said yourself you never know what's in store, and that our husbands want the best for us. and i wish i couold find a zumba...i'll have to look harder!

i've been ok....school starting and my son about to turn 16.....stressful.and thingsa re starting to fall apart around the house...so it's scary, financially..just thinking abot major expenditures. gor me a little down, but really, all ok.

oh, and anna...what a wise friend you have. not that there was a reason for.....GOD! we all know how we feel about those words,!!! but if a lot of that work was done after ishaq died, then he did inform it, in mamy ways, just as if he were alive. it's an interesting concept, and one that haas me thinking about a lot of stuff in a new way...thanks for letting us know.

anyway...

xo to all,

peace, michele

[Error username not found]

[armaiti]

Well, I'm back and no, I didn't get into the Mayor's Art Show.  I'm automatically in what is called the "Salon des Refuse", which actually has a better opening, with live music and all.  The woman who got my art for me at the first gallery did say "good job, keep making these!" to me, and I didn't here them say that to anyone else while I was there, so that was encouraging.  And I did see what they had hung for the Mayor's Art show, and it seemed a bit, well, conservative in style to me, which I had also been told about beforehand.  So I wasn't totally surprised, or that disappointed, since a lot of folks prefer the art at the Salon to what is chosen for the Mayor's Art Show (includng Ishaq and I, in years past).

Lela, I'm keeping your grandson (and you) in my prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

super wife no i dont live in indy im in southwest michigan but i could make the drive to indy in a few hours.

bacca they were together about 10 years off and on it was his second marriage.Officially only together for a little over 5. I have tried talking to her and saying hi and things like that but she just turns her back to me and ignores me. It's not so much that she doesnt want me around her daughter because she doesnt care that im there on the weekends just not with her daughter when one of them isn't around. Her daughter will know in the end what her mom is like but i am serious when i say i am done dealing with her if she keeps making trouble for me at work ill go to her house and have it out with her..I think i could take her.  just kidding!!! OK. no im not

[Error username not found]

LOL.. o man. i dont know. =/ i mean in a way i could understand her not wanting another woman around her daughter in general..but the alone thing is kinda weird. i hope your bf talks to her about it and hopefully it can get resolved..and if he doesnt than maybe you should move on to someone else.

[airymoon]

baca actually he did talk to her and she gave him a line of bull that he bought until he told me and i showed him why it made no sense. I've actually been thinking the same thing. I mean do I want to deal with her all the time!? And if he isnt going to take care of it maybe i should move on. Time will tell. It is pretty funny though when you look at it from the outside. Im not as mad now I kinda feel sorry for her.

[Error username not found]

=) thats true. everything is diff. from  the outside. also.. you made a good point.. do you really want to deal with her ALL the time? .. thats a GOOD question.. cause for me, theres no way in hell. its too distracting from your relationship.

[airymoon]

you know i now its got to be hard to see someone else with your kid but she should be glad that that someone is willing to do thigs with her daughter and have fun and care about her. Too many times i have seen the other persin in kids lives make demands and let the kids know they arent welcome. I could never do that but who's to say the next person he is with wont.

 

[eventually]

Anna, Oneta, and Becky thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  Everyone on this board is so helpful and nice, and I am so glad to find you all .  Although I really wish the circumstances were different in doing so. I am very grateful. 

 

April, I hope you enjoy your trip!!!!

 

Things are actually going well for me.  I hope I’m not jinxing myself in writing this.  I’ve had a couple of good days, but I know that can change in a sec.  I’ve been keeping busy I auditioned for a show this weekend The Mousetrap and find out if I get cast tomorrow…I’m  so nervous I so want a part in it. 

 

I found out today that B’s best friend and his wife have separated it was shortly after B’s one year mark.  God I hate saying that….Him and his wife have always been there for me and have  helped out a lot ... I talk to them both all the time and we all hung out but now  I’m split and if I talk and hang out with C. I don’t want my friend (his wife) to think I’m moving in on him….you know.  I don’t know maybe I’m not making any sense.  Anywho I’ll worry about that later.  Maybe keep distance from both of them for awhile.

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be and I think of you all often, even though I don’t write as much and express it.

-Mishi

[missyouhoney811]

Today would have been my mothers birthday (she died 2/27/05) Tomorrow would have been Johns birthday (he died 8/11/06) and on Thursday, it will be 25 months since my honey joined up with the angels...........tough week......three days in a row with meaning.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[eventually]

Dorothy I'm thinking of you!!! ((((HUGS))))

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I'm keeping you in my heart, thoughts and prayers this week.

I've been having good days, but lousy nights.  It's such a mix.  I'm dealing with money problems, which is nothing new, but it's beginning to escalate, so I'm looking for options to deal with it.  And then on the positive side I have my art in the show this weekend, and a fun performance with the band, and playing with other dancers in the Eugene Celebration parade for the Middle Eastern Dance Guild of Eugene entry.  And there is so much abundance still coming in - mainly food.  I've got bags of winter pears ripening, plus bags of plums to dry and can, and apples and other pears to pick in friend's yards.  But at night I wake up and I feel so lost and hopeless and alone.  Then I can't get back to sleep and I'm really tired the next day.

My sister-in-law sent me an email about a guy doing this energy healing on Sunday evening...it's interesting, he's based in Chinese Qigong and energy healing...there's no cost, you don't even email him or contact him, you just read the email and then make an affirmation that you want to be included.  Then you just rest quietly for the hour the healing happens, on Sunday 7-8 pm Pacific time.  If any of you are interested, PM me with your emails and I'll forward the email to you. 

I figure I can use all the good energy I can get right now!

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I'd love to do the healing thing!

baca- I can't get he video to play (no speakers) but will when i get on my laptop

(((Dorothy)))

I should be on the road by Tuesday!

[missyouhoney811]

Thank you............

I'll be glad when this week is over with so I can get out of this self pity. It helps nothing and gives me one hell of a headache.

Thank God this does not happen often with me anymore.  I actually though I was above feeling as low as I have this week.  Guess again................

I am getting myself ready to go to Zumba.  I have not been there all week.  The first time I missed my classes......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

hey dorothy,

thinking about you.

you really hit it when you said thank god this doesn't happen so much anymore...

it is a blessing to live more in the now,and in the good memories, rather than the constant grief and pain.

oh, but when those waves come,i find i'm more surprised by them now.

going back to zumba is the first step in climbing out again,i'm guessing.

peace,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Michele, your right I am back at Zumba feeling better.  The past two evenings I went out with my son and Vanessa for dinner and serious wine drinking.  Also, Thursday evening (8/11) before going into Pier One Imports I was talking to my John asking for some sort of sign and letting him know that it would be nice to have extra money to maybe go away to Florida January, February and March.  In the back of the store was a 5 x 5 painting of twelve butterflies..............the one standing out the most was the blue butterfly the same one that I found on Johns flowers.  I still have it in my bedroom.  So of course I bought the painting.  I must also mention Thursday evening I played my four digets of my checking account which is 8333 I played one dollar straight and one dollar box.  It came out I hit for $6,200.00............also that night my clock played I believe all night I finally fell asleep at 3:30 AM...........I fully believe spirits stay with us.  I know he is in my heart but he is also around me in his spirit.

I now must drink a pot of coffee before dressing for Zumba.  I have a little bit of a wine head today lol..............it was worth it.

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

The Power Ball for tonight is worth $118 Million........................8/11.........I am trying to figure the numbers out for tonight if I become the BIG winner we can all go on a cruise.  

[aprilmoonflower]

I just play powerball online so I am no longer a powerball virgin! lol.  Thanks Dorothy! If I win I will buy us a jet and a meeting spot!

[mishknit]

allright dorothy....

i ask tom for signs, and i get them, little winks....BUT, i am going to start being SPECIFIC!!!!

i could use some lotto cash.....

and sign me up for that cruise if you win! lol....

and i'll pop for one if i start making money on the lotto!

i had a little wine head this am...went to the gym and feel much better.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Yeah, I could use that kind of help from Ishaq too!

Today was a good day.  I was in the Eugene Celebration parade with the Middle Eastern Dance Guild, and then our band played.  I went with a friend to the Mayors Art Show to see what beat out my piece...and some I was like "Huh?  Twinkies on sticks?"  I mean really, there was a piece with twinkies arranged in a pattern on a painted board...I didn't get that piece.  There were other very nice pieces I did like but a few I was rather shocked got in.  Well, art is subjective, that's for sure!

What hit me was this morning I was having a good time, and a lot of folks were on the parade route calling out to me, and I felt so much love and support from my community.  I really felt, well, "whole" again...that missing part will always be there, the part of my heart that always dwells with Ishaq where is , but I don't feel so crippled by it.  At least not today.  Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

It is a dreary rainy weekend here. I have to clean the house and i started back to college and work started up again. I am so glad i am busy but at the same time i dont know how i am going to do all of this. I seem to keep doing the same thing over and over with no real move forward. I clean the same things every week cook the same things and am always broke. I feel like i am doing it all alone but im not my kids are helping with things. I just dont have kurt to help anymore and i dont have that emotional support. I am really tired of doing this by myself. I dont like how my life is going and i dont really like the person I am becoming. I know I need to make a change i'm just not sure where. I have come to terms with the fact that he isnt here and he isnt coming back. The anger is abating a little but what i cant handle is doing all the things alone without anyone to even listen to me or help me figure out things. One change i will probably have to make is sell the house. I hate to even think about it because we built this house ourselves. Except for the initial framing we did all the work the  wiring, plumbing, painting, drywalling, etc. I dont think i can give that up but i may have to.

I have also decided that i dont thinki i want another real relation ship. The guy I am dating  almost never comes here and if he does it is only for a few minutes. It's not like he hasnt been here before he used to come over all the time before we started dating and now that i am getting so busy we dont hardly see each other because i am not able to always go to his house or go to him and i guess he is not willing to make the effort to come here so now I am asking myself if it is worth it or if i should just forget dating all together. It seems to be more hassle than fun. Maybe thats the change i need to make.

[aprilmoonflower]

Becky- I hear you loud and clear and know exactly how you feel. Everyone just thinks it's so easy and don't give a flying f*ck if my life is together or not. it has shed alot of light on me who REALLY cares and who doesn't (And most people really are too self centered to give a crap). I am sooo sick of it! I can't even remember the last time someone asked how I am. sad. anyway just do your own thing and be proud you ARE doing it! If he can't give you the support you need and deserve then it's really his loss. I find most men (and single moms too) just don't get the reality of life. even if they do have chilkdren they usually have a partner or family somewhere who helps and they are NOT doing it alone. I'm always here if you want to chat.

(((Hugs))))

[rodless]

Back from a few days in the Black Hills which were good despite all the memories. On the way home I had a big crash reminding me of the first days after Rod died..one of those horrible waves that leaves you empty and sick to your stomach from crying. Had not done that for a long time. So Anna, Linda, Becky, Dorothy and all the rest of you "old timers" - guess we still need each other, huh?

Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

MaryJo- sorry to hear you had a rough time. it can only get better though cause it can't get worse! we have lived through the worst already, yk? I hate how it all creeps up on you though..

Dorothy- did no one win the powerball? I see it is up to 136,000,000!!! I am buying more tix for Wed (uh oh, like I really need to be spending money on this.lol!) D was always lucky at winning gambling though so, I am going to keep playing all of our bday numbers...crossing my fingers and trying to manifest a win! even a small one would make me happy!lol!