Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

The YouTube video making the rounds on FB of the dad who shot up his daughter's laptop cause he found a rebellious note griping about her parents while he was fixing her laptop. It makes me upset by all the support he is getting. She is 15, she was griping, not to his face. He publicly humiliates her? This video is going to go viral I am sure, they are talking about it on the radio and everything. If this guy would ever lose his daughter, what he did would devastate him. He needs to try to heal his relationship while he can, and behave as a loving parent. Not hurt and vindictive. I feel sorry for the kid. Sorry, I guess I figured I could tell you guys and you would understand my feelings. Everyone thinks this guy is great! He even is posting on his FB page that the police support him. So very sad. I wish I could get my kid back for 1 minute, even in a dream. She could say anything she wanted about me I would be so grateful. This man does not realize the destruction he causes...Love,Maddy

Maddy ~ Just watched this on Youtube. Much of it disturbs me...yep she might very well have disrespected him and her step mum on her FB page. But seriously, lets post a video where we use a ??9mm glock with hollow point bullets to prove his point. Hate to see what happens if she ever broke curfew.

What happened to talking things through...mutual respect?? Yep I know teenagers can be the pits. But gone is for good and I don't think he gets that. Just saying.

[Kenn]

Hey Maddy,

I understand how you feel, but I understand the dad too. Actually I believe both the dad and daughter have some things to be sorry for. The daughter was disrespectful and saying things on line that hurt her parents. She should have consequences for her actions because it is our job to do the hard thing, and raise our children. Part of my guilt feelings are for not always being willing to discipline Hannah the way I should while she was young. If we don't teach them to avoid things that will hurt them while they are young, the things they didn't learn will hurt them when they are older. The way the girl was acting made it look like she was spoiled and didn't appreciate just how good her life was. I think her dad let his temper get the best of him, and he became stupid. Instead of using what he found to be able to talk to his daughter and make it a teachable moment, he got mad and did some things that she will have a very hard time to ever forgive him for. He was wrong, and I hope he realizes what he has done and makes it right before they are all hurt worse by it. They are both wrong, but the dad should take the high ground and apologize for losing his temper. The daughter should have to face appropriate consequences for her rebellious actions that hurt her parents. It is a hard job to raise our children, but we have to be parents and sometimes that means we can't be friends for the moment. They don't need us to always be their buddy nearly as much as they need us to be their parent. When I realized some of the mistakes I had made raising my daughter I attempted to change and did all I could to fix things in her life, but I waited too long and now my daughter is dead. Part of my guilt feelings are because I believe I wasn't a good enough disciplinarian, so I have mixed feelings about what he did. I agree with you that he is wrong, and I pray that he realizes what he needs to do to fix it before it is too late.

The YouTube video making the rounds on FB of the dad who shot up his daughter's laptop cause he found a rebellious note griping about her parents while he was fixing her laptop. It makes me upset by all the support he is getting. She is 15, she was griping, not to his face. He publicly humiliates her? This video is going to go viral I am sure, they are talking about it on the radio and everything. If this guy would ever lose his daughter, what he did would devastate him. He needs to try to heal his relationship while he can, and behave as a loving parent. Not hurt and vindictive. I feel sorry for the kid. Sorry, I guess I figured I could tell you guys and you would understand my feelings. Everyone thinks this guy is great! He even is posting on his FB page that the police support him. So very sad. I wish I could get my kid back for 1 minute, even in a dream. She could say anything she wanted about me I would be so grateful. This man does not realize the destruction he causes...Love,Maddy

[Maddy6]

1328930844' post='83784']

Hey Maddy,

[Kenn]

I agree with you Maddy, and he will probably live to regret this terrible mistake he has made. They were both wrong in their actions, but the dad has moved beyond discipline and become abusive. His daughter will probably be damaged mentally by this, and I doubt that is what her dad wanted to do. He got angry and become stupid, and there really is not good excuse for shooting her computer humiliating her that way.

Kenn,What the dad did was not discipline. It was abuse of his power. He has publicly humiliated her and taken a typical teen moment that could have been handled in a mature and teachable way. Instead, he exacerbated the situation. His daughter will never forget the public humiliation before the nation, literally. Her dad was angry and prideful and trying to prove he was right. He acted on his anger with destruction of her laptop, then said she had to pay for it. Teenage girls have hormones, they are dramatic. He is the adult, he should have acted like it. This is not discipline Kenn. In fact, I would imagine he has pretty much destroyed the entire world of that 15 yo girl. Many kids are spoiled nowadays due to the culture we live in. No kid deserves that. If he was an IT tech I am sure he could have easily used his knowledge of technology to block her from Facebook, or another creative consequence. Sorry, but it really hurts me for this young girl, spoiled, or not.Maddy:-)

[robyn]

Today, I was interviewed for the first time by a local news crew that wanted a follow up of a story they ran regarding the petition to lower the speed limit on our road, where Jared was killed almost 19 weeks ago. I think the interview went well. I can't remember half of what I said. I was prepared for the information I wanted to put out as far as the speed limit, but when they asked questions about how I was coping with Jared's loss, I answered, and I hope I did him justice, but a coule of times, I completely choked, and it felt like the words weren't going to come out of my mouth. It's been almost 5 hours ago, and I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the lump in my throat is not yet completely gone. They are going to air it next Monday and Tuesday night. I will send the link when they give it to me.

I am completely exhausted. I wanted to scream about the knowledge I have of the crash and who I think should be found at fault, but I shoved that down, and kept it within me, where it needs to live until the right time.

Going to bed. Didn't sleep at all last night. Thanks to all of you here who continue to share your souls. Even when I am too everything to post, I read, and countless times something one of you has said, or a poem that is posted, or a song, will pull me up to where I can breathe again, and manage to continue on. God bless you all.

Becky,

I'm so sorry you had to bear the intrusion of people digging into your feelings that way. I hope God gives you a peaceful night.

Robyn

[andy88]

Happy first Angelversary to my beloved ~ Andy ~. You are the best thing that ever happened to me!

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Andy - this day may have been pure "heaven" for you, Sweet Boy - but it was, and has been ever since, pure hell for your mom. Please give her a visit today!

[Guest msnher]

Becky - I think it's important for them to see the raw face of grief....I'm so proud of your courage and your conviction! Of course you are drained. Your boy is so proud of you, I'm sure. I pray you get some rest!

[mikesmum]

[mysonrich]

Andy, Andy, Andy, saying your name out loud!!!!!

Pam, I am with you today as you walk this path with our sorrow and tears of the day he left you. He lives on Pam. as much as you love and miss him.he lives on. You are not alone

[Maddy6]

I guess the real reason what that guy did on the video upsets me so much, is that it reminded me of myself. Instead of realizing she was a teenager who was hurting, I ignored some of the behavior thinking she was a spoiled kid. Back then I would have applauded that man. I was so stupid, I would have. I would never have done something that extreme, but I my goal was to be a good mom, who raised good kids. Rachael just wanted to BE a kid. I thought I needed to show her she wasn't going to get away with her antics. I was full of myself as a parent. Rachael I am so sorry. By the time I realized it was too late.

[ericasmom]

ANDY ANDY ANDY

You are an angel with a smile in your eyes and love in your heart. Rest a bit on your Momma's day today, letting her feel the peace that you have, letting her know that no matter, she will always be your Momma.

Thinking of you Pam.

[lilysmommy]

last night me justin and jared had a little sleepover in the room..we played games, downloaded music, until jared fell asleep..then it was just me and justin..i talked to him for the first. time about lily..i asked him if he remembered her..he said yes..i asked if he missed her..and he said yess i miss playin with her..and with he just started wiping his eyes..i asked him to write her a note on her fb page..i said..what do you want to write to her..he stayed in silence for a long time..and finally after a few minutes..he said..she wants me to write..i am happy..and it just brought tears to my eyes..but i didnt let him see..he finally fell asleep around 2..i wish i could have slept with them the whole time but i just kept watchin them and tryin to make sure they were still breathin every few minutes..until finally light came out and i was able to nap 2 hrs..the smile on his face..the happiness he had that we were watchin videos together and he was using my beats headphones was alot for him..never realized how much they missed me cause as soon as my mom walked in..he said look grandma..mommy is lettin me use her stuff..and shes putting justin bieber songs for me..ohh how ive missed them lookin at me like that..

i want to thank everyone again..your stories have helped me so much..i quit takin my anti-depressant pills..and even other people have noticed change in me..theyve asked wahats different..if i started goin to therapy..i said sort of..its a grief support group except its online..even though i dont know them personally..theyre like my parents..theyre helpin me realize things before its too late..

a video i just found recently..i can never stop lookin at them..

[hotrod]

[

DEAR SWEET ANDY

REMEMBERING YOUR KIND HEART AND LOVING WAYS

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN

[ericasmom]

Sonya, what a nice message to read today, that you felt a bit more like MOM again, that has got to be a wonderful feeling for you, for your Boys, and for your Mom to see. Remember that if that sense of a tiny bit of sunlight in your life is possible even for just a moment, then it will be possible to grow it bigger. Be patient with yourself, it is with great energy that we build a new path and walk it. One step at a time and when you feel you lost steps remember that you are still ahead of where you were. There is no straight path to this journey, it is up and down adn curvy and hard. But you are loved in each step by your sweet Angel, and your Boys and family, and by us. We cheer you on, we cheer each other on to take that next step knowing that there are others here that are holding your hands and heart.

[mikesmomrs]

Just wanted to come on to tell Pam that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you move through this day of such sad memories, one year ago. Please allow yourself to feel the sadness that this day brings to your heart, but at the same tme feel the joy that also lives in your memories of your LIFE with your sweet Andy...those memories can never be taken away; they will never diminish, and eventually they will fill your heart with a joy that will help to soften that sadness. May your beautiful boy surround you today with his sweet spirit.

ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, please know that you are remembered always. Let your mom know you are with her.

[robyn]

last night me justin and jared had a little sleepover in the room..we played games, downloaded music, until jared fell asleep..then it was just me and justin..i talked to him for the first. time about lily..i asked him if he remembered her..he said yes..i asked if he missed her..and he said yess i miss playin with her..and with he just started wiping his eyes..i asked him to write her a note on her fb page..i said..what do you want to write to her..he stayed in silence for a long time..and finally after a few minutes..he said..she wants me to write..i am happy..and it just brought tears to my eyes..but i didnt let him see..he finally fell asleep around 2..i wish i could have slept with them the whole time but i just kept watchin them and tryin to make sure they were still breathin every few minutes..until finally light came out and i was able to nap 2 hrs..the smile on his face..the happiness he had that we were watchin videos together and he was using my beats headphones was alot for him..never realized how much they missed me cause as soon as my mom walked in..he said look grandma..mommy is lettin me use her stuff..and shes putting justin bieber songs for me..ohh how ive missed them lookin at me like that..

i want to thank everyone again..your stories have helped me so much..i quit takin my anti-depressant pills..and even other people have noticed change in me..theyve asked wahats different..if i started goin to therapy..i said sort of..its a grief support group except its online..even though i dont know them personally..theyre like my parents..theyre helpin me realize things before its too late..

a video i just found recently..i can never stop lookin at them..

Lilysmom,

Your angel is just so cute! I'm so glad you are able to get "in touch" with your sons. They are a blessing and a miracle, aren't they? I miss when my babies were little.

When they are grown, it can be tougher helping them through something like this. The blow up between my younger daughter and son was inevitable, but in itself, a part of the healing. About 2-3 weeks after Chrissy left, they started arguing- it escalated, finally, with my daughter yelling at him, "You wish it had been me! I wish it had been me!" I stepped in then and told them that not one of them was less important than the other, and that the loss of ANY of them would have been just as devastating; "we are a unit. We are missing an important part of our hearts, but we STILL have to work for each other and the little ones. We owe it her and each other!". Seeing mom cry, and saying what I said seemed to get through. They are inseparable now, although still having some trouble dealing with their sister's leaving.

Chrissy has two daughters, 3 and 7, and her niece, also 7. It's amazing how much our kids and grandkids do to help us through a bad time. I'm so glad for you! May you have many more days of growing closer and closer to your sons!

Robyn

[mikesmomrs]

MADDY: Your statements: "I guess the real reason what that guy did on the video upsets me so much, is that it reminded me of myself. Instead of realizing she was a teenager who was hurting, I ignored some of the behavior thinking she was a spoiled kid. Back then I would have applauded that man. I was so stupid, I would have. I would never have done something that extreme, but I my goal was to be a good mom, who raised good kids. Rachael just wanted to BE a kid. I thought I needed to show her she wasn't going to get away with her antics. I was full of myself as a parent. Rachael I am so sorry. By the time I realized it was too late."

I have never been able to put those thoughts into words until I read these words of yours...I too went through the same thing with my kids. Just the other day, Mike's dad and I were discussing that very thing---how we see now that we were so hard on our kids unnecessarily sometimes (and it was mostly, honestly, me, more than him). Oh, I don't mean that we should have let them get away with just anything, having no discipline whatsoever, or anything like that, but sometimes, in looking back, I see now that some of the things we were so uptight about back then were just stupid things that really didn't matter that much. Cathi probably got it the worst, because she was always doing things that were unconventional, things that I didn't think were "right" at the time, and now I see my "punishments" were totally out of proportion to the "crime." (Restriction for a month?!?! when it should have been a week...a MONTH long restriction that I couldn't even really enforce, because I wasn't home all day!) But now, I see that lots of those things really didn't matter at all. I remember the time young Mike came home with his hair in beads...little corn rows of multi colored beads hanging down the sides and back of his head (he was about 20). I was pretty upset but tried not to show it, but I know that my tone and my reaction to first seeing him said volumes to him. One other thing that REALLY sticks out to me is that when he was younger, and playing with his GI Joe figures, I used to get so upset when he would improvise things to play with for them. For instance if we got something that was in styrofoam, he would make "bases" out of the styrofoam for them, etc., and of course it would leave a mess all over the place, and I would get upset and tell him it was too messy and he had to throw the things he had made away. He also used to take any broken figures and dress them up like they'd seen battle..painting their arms or legs red, like blood, and wrapping them in a cloth for a bandage, etc. If the leg fell off, he would pretend they had lost it in battle and put red paint at the base of the broken part. I used to tell him that when they break, he should throw them away, they were just not good any longer. (Fortunately, I never made him throw them away, but I never fostered his imagination about it, either.) I came across some of those very figures a couple of years ago, and my heart broke as I held them in my hand...some missing a leg, or an arm, and his 9 year old attempts at making them look "battle worn." Tears fall at the memories of the times I let slip by when I could have really BEEN there for him instead of "worrying about the mess," etc. Golden opportunities, missed, forever. Similar things with the girls, also, but at least I can say I am sorry to them, even if it doesn't change anything from the past. I think that not only the not having young Mike here any longer to talk with him about it and ask him to forgive me disturbs me, but also the fact that I do see it now with our grandkids. When they are doing something like that, I am encouraging, finally seeing it as nothing to be uptight about...who cares if they want to go out in their shirt with no jacket? It is no big deal. I've seen it happen. Little Damon, (Mike's youngest, who is now 7) LOVES to "create" with other stuff, sometimes making a mess, but I truly encourage him and think it is just great. Why couldn't I do that with my own kids when they were little? My oldest sister, Dorothy, was really good about letting her kids exercise their imagination and not worry about the consequences of trivial things. I admire her for her being so good with them and showing them that it is okay to be a kid, messes and all. I carry these regrets, but I fortunately, I don't live with them on a daily basis...I have realized that life is much too short to carry around such weight, when there is nothing we can do to change it. I try to let it direct my future, and hopefully, it has. But oh, those wasted opportunities...

Oh, man, sorry for my rant...that statement just struck home with me, especially since Mike's dad and I were just talking about such stuff the other day.

I wish, like so many of us, that we could have a "redo" but unfortunately, that is not possible. So, we must work hard at remembering the good times, remembering when we did get it right, or at least nearly so. My girls now kindly tell me that "it was no big deal" when I bring it up, but I still feel the guilt about it. Likely always will. I thank God that we do have many good memories, but those that are not so good tend to hang on, like velcro, to my heart, and torment me now and again.

The guy that shot his daughter's laptop? A total jerk. She was wrong for sure, but he was much, much more so. He is the adult and should have handled it differently. But, he didn't, and he can't "unring the bell." I hope he's learned a lesson and it provides him with the opportunity to see that he still has the chance to make it right, and more importantly, that he takes advantage of that chance.

Robyn: You did such a good thing when you stepped in and helped your daughter and son. They are blessed to have you in their lives. Like you said, they still have to deal with the loss of their beloved sister, but now they know they are dealing with it "together."

Becky: I am in agreement with Susannah...JD is so very proud of you, and like Susannah, so am I.

I hope you all have a peaceful rest of the weekend. Mike is back in the hospital, very sick last night from the radiation and chemo, and wound up seriously dehydrated, unable to stop vomiting, and his temp rose to 103.7. I had to call an ambulance because he was too weak to walk to the van. He is better today; they have done a blood transfusion and have been pumping fluids through an IV all day. He still can't eat, but has been able to drink some things. Nothing appeals to him, and that makes it tough. His blood pressure was 74/32 last night in the ER, so they admitted him to the ICU so they could watch him and make sure the fluids were helping to bring it back up again. Late this morning it was up to 120/50, and so improvement is showing, but slowly. The transfusion should help a lot. It did before, so hoping it will have the same effect this time. Three more days of treatment...two of radiation alone and one with radiation and chemo. Please continue to keep him in your prayers. He is supposed to go back to the Cancer treatment center on March 6 for them to see how much this treatment has accomplished, and then we will make a new plan of attack.

By the way...the name of the first EMT to come into the house last night? Mike...of course. And the nurse who came to get him from the ER and take him up to the ICU, his name is James...young Mike's full name is "James Michael." Thank you, God.

[shorty16]

Andy

Andy

Andy

Please brush by your Mom & Dad today and whisper "I love you's" to them.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

OK, Someone turned down the thermastat?!?!

It is sunny outside, but 13 degrees F and windy. Windchill is -8 F.

I just wanted to stop by and say I am reading your posts and I too was hard on Brian - I had to be - he was a risk-taker. He was also terrible in school.

One thing I am very proud of is Brian loved snowboarding and Sun-Burst Ski area was 45 min North of us. I drove there many times with a truck-load of young boys, there gear, and usually the dog came along for the ride. Great memories.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am sorry that Mike was ill enough to go back to the hospital, but I am glad he went and is getting stronger. I am glad that you might rest a bit today knowing that he is in good hands and strengthening. I agree with your words, we parents have all times we regret and while we cannot live with it each day, we do remember and hope that our loved ones know that we are sorry for those times.

[ericasmom]

A poem to all feeling at loose ends...

Tethered

My strings unravel sometimes, and I am left to wonder how to stay tethered

to something in this world-

something of value to my heart

something that allows my grief but also my joy-

it may simply be to tie myself to the bird’s song this morning,

singing me through both.

Grounded by chatter that tumbles from so many sparrows

hidden in the hedges,

and the immediate hush of sound as I walk past.

Made to smile from the amazing sound that bursts again from the greenery

when I have walked beyond them.

I whisper ‘thank you’ to the birds and sometimes I shout it,

for their unending medicine

that help me remember all that really matters.

by dee

[daveydow1]

ASHLEY----ASHLEY-----ASHLEY........REMEMBERING YOU, SWEET ANGEL.

Amy, .......Thinking of you , friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,.........KAYLA......ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

ANDY------ANDY------ANDY. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY AND WARM THIER HEARTS & SOULS.

I haven't been on as much as usual, but wish to extend my sympathy to all the newbies coming on to

BI, and so sorry for your loss.

Sonya-----Thinking of you, and glad to see your post.........I've missed you, friend.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Andy

Andy

Andy

Remembering you on this day, I hope you give comfort to your family.

Pam, I had my first angelversaries last week and it was so hard to relieve those days. I'm thinking of you and hope you have some peace and comfort.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Extra prayers for you and Ralph/Mike!!!!!

Lilly just might be the cutest angel in heaven! I know my Stephanie will be all over her like bees on honey. I'm sure most of our angels will. I love that her brother said, "she says she's happy." While the "veil" (which doesn't exist) is very thick for us, it is non existent for them. To us, we can't find them...to them...they never left.

I love your poem, Dee.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susannah.

[lostwoher]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. This place never lets me down. It was a day filled with tears and alot of wonderful memories. Thank you!!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susannah, thank you for your support! I want so much to honor my Jared. I know that if he had survived this crash, I can just imagine him saying something like "dagg, they need to do something about this road!" I think it's important to me partly because I have asked myself why didn't I realize and do something about it earlier? We have always noticed that cars whiz by here, and had told our kids not to ride their bikes on this road, as the traffic was too fast, but never thought about doing something to try to change it.... although, here it is my beautiful child has lost his life in this horrific manner, and yet they are not trying to change anything. I don't know what it's going to take, but I am not giving up.

I slept pretty well, but took a long time to go to sleep last night. Today has been one of those where I have just felt anxious, sighing more than usual, thoughts drifting away, even when in conversation with someone. When I am out in public, I feel like I am apart from it all, like looking at people and hearing conversations from a distance. Has anyone experienced that?

I got up this morning and drafted an email to the Delaware DOT, and posted it as an "event" on my Facebook page. I encouraged all those I invited to the event to copy and paste the letter and send it to Delaware DOT. I hope that man in traffic studies has about 300 or more emails coming to him by Monday morning! lol

My thoughts are with those of you with your angels birthdays and angelversaries. I am not quite 19 weeks into this journey, and already had Thanksgiving, my husband's birthday, Christmas, and then my own birthday since we lost Jared. I know the next hurdle will be the really hard one, and that will be his birthday in April. My daughter is planning a 'town sized' birthday party at the park, complete with DJ, and wants to serve cake and teach everyone how to do the 'shuffle'. Each of us has to do whatever it is that makes us able to put one foot in front of the other, and keep living, and breathing, even though the breaths are labored sometimes, and the living feels like barely alive.....

Loved your poem, Dee! Thanks for that.

Thank you Carol and Maddy for your kindness and support.

Becky - I think it's important for them to see the raw face of grief....I'm so proud of your courage and your conviction! Of course you are drained. Your boy is so proud of you, I'm sure. I pray you get some rest!

[Guest msnher]

Becky - Yes, I remember the sighing. I had honestly forgotten until you mentioned it. I remember reading that sighing was a symptom of grief and I thought "what a stupid symptom" even though I sighed involuntarily. There are so many different facets to grief. One punch right after the other. I could barely follow a conversation. I often forgot the other person was speaking and I'd just walk away. More often than that, I would lose my train of thought mid sentence. What you're going through, Becky, is quite normal. It's hell, no doubt about it, but it's normal. I remember needing to be told that...that I was normal. I also needed to be told I was okay a lot. Because I just didn't know. Hang on to us. Working to change the laws is positive action and I applaud you for it, but your grief won't take a back seat to it. It will be kicking you in the gut every step of the way. I remember also feeling like there was something extremely beautiful about it all. I knew no one else felt the same way I did about my daughter's death, and that seemed very beautiful to me - or sacred - or intimate. Yes, grief is very intimate. I also remember thinking that it would be like that forever. It isn't. It's never the same, but you will find beauty again. For the most part, I'm quite happy now. Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. Just yesterday a friend asked me why I refuse to be happy. I thought I WAS happy. But, I'm not the same Susannah they knew before...that's for sure. Oh well.

Hang on, Becky.

Lynn - I thought of you and Kayla all day!

[2 Angels in Heaven]

On my first angelversaries of Vanessa & Kailey, I kept watching the clock and putting a timeline to my memories of those days and the days that followed. Remembering every detail of the funeral and the preparations that preceded it. I kept trying to make myself stop, but couldn't. It's strange how our minds work.

I knew I was going to have a hard time with this week, so I took vacation. I brought my family to Disney in Orlando. I thought it would be best to take my little ones and spend the time with them rather then sit at home crying, while reminiscing the horrors of this time last year. I think it helped to lessen the heartache, by seeing my children having so much fun. But, It didn't stop my thoughts from drifting away with the memories of my girls or from watching the clock and playing those details of when they died like a movie in my head. I was told to change my routines, do new things and make new traditions to help me through the hard times. I guess the advise has helped.

Now a year later, I'm at work sitting in the exact spot from when I received the first phone call about Vanessa that started the downward spiral to the darkest place I've ever been.

I've survived this first year...... but, I'm battled, scared and tired.

[Guest msnher]

Lori - We are wounded. And, you lost two. Like Sherry or my sister...your grief is multiplied because you grieve for more than one loss. Hugs.

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[robyn]

On my first angelversaries of Vanessa & Kailey, I kept watching the clock and putting a timeline to my memories of those days and the days that followed. Remembering every detail of the funeral and the preparations that preceded it. I kept trying to make myself stop, but couldn't. It's strange how our minds work.

I knew I was going to have a hard time with this week, so I took vacation. I brought my family to Disney in Orlando. I thought it would be best to take my little ones and spend the time with them rather then sit at home crying, while reminiscing the horrors of this time last year. I think it helped to lessen the heartache, by seeing my children having so much fun. But, It didn't stop my thoughts from drifting away with the memories of my girls or from watching the clock and playing those details of when they died like a movie in my head. I was told to change my routines, do new things and make new traditions to help me through the hard times. I guess the advise has helped.

Now a year later, I'm at work sitting in the exact spot from when I received the first phone call about Vanessa that started the downward spiral to the darkest place I've ever been.

I've survived this first year...... but, I'm battled, scared and tired.

Lori,

Our children and grandchildren make all the difference, don't they? We, here, try to get together at least once a week and the little ones just don't let us feel anything but joy! I'm going to start babysitting Chrissy's little girl this month and we have big plans, especially for "playing school"!

It's hard to be anywhere where our kids haven't left a memory. We have such good memories of Chrissy here at our house, at our son's, and especially at her house. I see her everywhere. I check her facebook page every day- someone is always leaving something. Chrissy coached the volleyball team at her older daughter's school last year and the season is about to start again. One of the players posted to her, asking her to watch over them and help them play well. It was sweet.

My younger daughter and I had a long talk yesterday. She is still having a great deal of trouble dealing with her sister's death, but she is coming along...We will always have the sadness, but we will always have the good memories, too, and the joy of knowing where they are and that we will see them again some day.

Battle scars are there to remind you of how strong you have become!

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Also, I wanted to vent. Sorry. Yesterday I had a digital art class. The prof was looking at some pictures of paintings I had and asked about one I had done depicting how I felt after Rachael died. It was a symbolic picture and showed a nude woman in black and white on a leaf in a river. The woman was bent over in anguish and her hands were behind her back and bound to the leaf. She had color butterfly wings erect, and 6 butterfly's in the distance were flying away. One butterfly remained by the woman and hovered over her.This was my story. I was dying, almost dead on the inside, yet I was bound to life. The river was moving, the colorful wings conveyed the life I was trapped in. The 5 butterfly's flying away were my children living life, and the butterfly hovering over me was my loyal, faithful husband who stayed by my side, refusing to let me let go of life. Pushing me to hang on.So my professor criticizes my painting and asks what it means. I didn't want to, but finally ended up having to upon his repeated inquiry. He criticized the woman saying she looked like she was dying or dead. I said yes, that is how I felt. I said ask any parent whose child has died. He says well I lost a child and I know and I don't think that depiction is accurate. I asked him about the child he lost. It was a miscarriage his wife had. I have had 2 miscarriages and I do not mean to diminish what this man went through. But he then began telling me my painting was incorrect. I told him, you are not a mom,you do not know.........then I just dropped it as he assured me he did. Give me a break. People can be so stupid. I am glad I am stronger now and could take this goofy prof's criticism of my painting and his opinion of my grief! I am glad I have this site to realize I am not the only one this stuff happens to. Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and the lifeline that you are.

Maddy :-)

Maddy,

Your professor IS wrong. The very nature of art is its subjectivity. He may see something else when he looks at it, but he is absolutely wrong to question YOUR purpose. It sounds beautiful...maybe you will show it sometime in here?

Robyn

[shorty16]

Robyn

I love your desciption of your painting.

Yes, that is how it was for me too. Bound to this life, but begging God to take us and return our child.

After many years and much work, I have learned to live again ... in a different way.

Your feelings and emtions are yours to display in any way you want. Art is about interpretation. No two people may interpet art the same way.

You are awesome

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lori, Robyn,

I have no grandchildren - I am a grandma-wanna-be.

Thank you for sharing your grandchild stories with me.

Colleen

[Maddy6]

Robyn,That made me smile thinking about you with your grandchildren. That has been something hard for us. Rachael and her boyfriend died together. We always felt Rachael would be the first to have children. She was such a little mother to her brothers. Then to make it worse, my oldest daughter, married barely a year, her marriage did not make it with the trauma she went through from the loss of her sister. Her husband was an only child and was telling her stuff like....it's been 3 months, you need to get over this. Her husband did not understand how close we all were and how painful it was for my daughter. So she is 30 now, not married. Smart and beautiful, an d would love to settle down and give her parents a grand baby! Our sons are too young and not ready to settle down. Sooooo, we have 2 "grand dogs!" :-) we spoil them and it warms my son's heart because he insisted he get this dog. The other dog was Rachael's and we love him dearly.i know one day when he dies, my children will take it hard.

Also, I knew the professor was whacked. He is an artist to boot!! Like I said.....I am glad I found this site. At one time he would have reduced me to tears. The artwork was very personal conveying a very fragile time in my life and this duffous is going to tell me it's incorrect! I am certainly glad I am not the only one these things have happened to. I am glad I can even see the humor in TSTPS...the stupid things people say!;-)

Thank you for being such an encouraging friend Robyn.Love, Maddy

[Maddy6]

1329057985' post='83845']

Lori, Robyn,

I have no grandchildren - I am a grandma-wanna-be.

Thank you for sharing your grandchild stories with me.

Colleen

Colleen,We are too. I know one day joy will return to our house when we have grandchildren. For now, the dogs are willing substitutes. I so enjoy also listening to all the grandchildren stories and look forward to that day. It is painful knowing that about now, Rachael would have probably been married and had a baby. But I remind myself now that her brothers & sister will one day have children and not to forget there is a future. I also remind myself that they deserve me as a grandma one day. I am Soooo ver much a grandma wanna be! :-)

Maddy

[ericasmom]

Lori,

I feel badly that I have not spoken to you, welcomed you back as you went through this year...your words touch my heart so as you find yourself continuing to care for those most in need while your heart finds ways to beat for all that is lost and all that is new. Bless you.

First of all, art professors that tell you that your interpretation is wrong is no art teacher in my estimation, though it happens often, and secondly, to tell you that his experience was like yours so he should know...well, even if his child died at the same age as your Child, no way would his experience be the same. Goodness, shame on him.

Robyn, how old is your Daughter that you had the long talk with...

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

On my first angelversaries of Vanessa & Kailey, I kept watching the clock and putting a timeline to my memories of those days and the days that followed. Remembering every detail of the funeral and the preparations that preceded it. I kept trying to make myself stop, but couldn't. It's strange how our minds work.

I knew I was going to have a hard time with this week, so I took vacation. I brought my family to Disney in Orlando. I thought it would be best to take my little ones and spend the time with them rather then sit at home crying, while reminiscing the horrors of this time last year. I think it helped to lessen the heartache, by seeing my children having so much fun. But, It didn't stop my thoughts from drifting away with the memories of my girls or from watching the clock and playing those details of when they died like a movie in my head. I was told to change my routines, do new things and make new traditions to help me through the hard times. I guess the advise has helped.

Now a year later, I'm at work sitting in the exact spot from when I received the first phone call about Vanessa that started the downward spiral to the darkest place I've ever been.

I've survived this first year...... but, I'm battled, scared and tired.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I am so sorry for your losses of your 2 girls. I live in Orlando Fla. I hope the weather was nice for you because sometimes it is cold. Today it is freezing. God Bless you and help you thru this journey that no one wants to be on. Hugs and prayers I just lost my dad but I know my son is keeping him company . My sons loss will hurt me till the day I see him again

Robs Mom

[mikesmomrs]

MADDY: Thank you for your kind words. I am glad whenever I can help, but I must say, that it was actually YOUR words that opened MY eyes...I have always had those feelings but until I read your words, could not verbally identify them. I think that acknowledgement of anything we are feeling that is hurting us is half the battle of overcoming the negativity of those feelings. So, I must again, thank you, my friend. Also, I must reiterate what others have said: Art is subject to interpretation and I too think that art teacher should be ashamed of himself. First, by describing what he thought you should be showing others, and dissing your own interpretation, and also, as Dee said, no two grieving people grieve the same...each has their own path. Coming here does help us to walk that path, most assuredly (I would be a very, very sad case of a woman had I not found BI when I did), but we do walk that path, each of us, differently. Boy, would I like to see him face to face! Well, maybe it's better that I don't...I don't know if you would be allowed back in the class or not.

LORI: I love that you sought other avenues to explore during your days of such pain. I know that it was likely extremely difficult, and i t is certain that those thoughts would be with you no matter where you were, as they were indeed, but that you could allow your younger children to create new memories for themselves and for you, is a blessing and one that I am sure your lovely daughters are so very, very proud of.

DEE: The poem was truly beautiful. I hope things are slowing down at school a bit, for you to catch your breath. Take care of yourself, dear friend of us all.

SHERRY: So nice to see your handsome Davey's face, and to read your words. I hope all is well with you.

LYNN: Nice to see beautiful Kayla's smile, as well. Thank you for your comments, prayers and encouragement on hubby's Care Pages site. It truly helps, believe me.

BECKY: I love that your daughter is planning a "town-sized" party for JD...it will be difficult at times, but it is always good to celebrate the LIFE of our child. Mike's first birthday, we all (our family and his children and wife) went to his favorite restaurant, had dinner, then cake and ice cream in his honor. It was tough, really tough, but it helped to have us all there together, celebrating his life. Oh, like Susannah, I remember the sighing...and I read also that it was a sign of grieving and wondered that that seemed a very odd component, but since it was happening to me, I figured they were right.

COLLEEN: I thank you for sharing your grief journey with us...we have learned a lot from your wisdom, your sharing of your learning with us, and benefitted greatly from your love and friendship. I have you close and firmly in my heart, always. Brian is so very proud of you.

When hubby is in the hospital, I always stay with him. This morning, when I went into the bathroom to get dressed, it was the first time I had used the bathroom in his room. (the staff frowns on the "public" using the patient's bathroom, especially in the ICU). But, this morning I did. It is a very small bathroom, with only a toilet and about 3 square feet to turn around in. I turned to hang my shirt up on the door till I was ready for it, and came within inches of a walker hanging on the door, and tucked around it was a "gait belt." (Something they put around the patient's middle so that when they are up and walking, whoever is with them can help keep them steady). It is amazing how quickly time can fall away from yoru mind and you are transported instantly back to another time. I saw young Mike, with his gait belt on, with me walking beside him to the dining room at our house, after he began hospice care. I have a heart-rending picture of him with Damon, and while it tears at my heart, it somehow also brings me comfort. I saw that scene as I stood in that bathroom, tears threatening, but remembered also how blessed I had felt at the time to be given the gift of being able to take care of him, and my heart smiled at the memory. I will share the picture with you, then I must get back to the hospital. They are moving hubby out of ICU today, after they give him another blood transfusion, and then they are going to try getting him up and hopefully home by Tuesday, if all goes well. The problem now is one that we've had before...when he gets up his heart goes haywire and his blood pressure drops significantly. He seems to be feeling better today, though, so perhaps we wil see a better response to his walking about.

my love to you all, I am so glad that I have this site to come to. You are all blessings in my life.

[shorty16]

Maddy

For us it is 3 cats and 1 dog. Iggy Ross is our 3 year old male kitty who is just laughs-on-wheels. Chloe Belle is Iggys unwilling wrestling partner, and tootsie is our 12 year old 6-toed kitty who can't tolerate either of them.

Our 11 year old Golden Retreiver is Iggy's Best friend (not by choice).

They are quite the bunch.

Thats my Grand-ma wanna-be story

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

[dwsmithrn]

andy, andy, andy....happy angelversay. please let your mom know how much you love her and let your light shine on her. she misses you more than you can know. send angel kisses to her.

pam, sorry i missed this day yesterday.....still thinking of you and hoping we can still get together one day.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

carol....so sorry to hear that ralph finds himself in the hospital....i will keep you both in my thoughts and close to my heart and wish for a speedy recovery and back home soon....you both are remarkable people and i know you are thought of fondly. holding you close, friend.

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ Sorry to hear of Mikes two steps forward one step back. He's like a fine ole automobile. Once you fix one thing another begins to fail. But you know when its all running fine, its a sight to behold. I can only imagine the lack of oxygen in that tiny room being taken from you as you 'relive' those day with Mike. As much as the story behind that picture breaks your heart...it truly is a memory of strength and determination, something for Damon as he grows up.

Maddy ~ Its true, we all grieve differently and we all interpret that grief in various ways. I love your interpretation. I love the description you gave it does, for me at least sum up how I saw myself for many years after Mike died.

Its funny how we take on board what some people say depending on their own experience. Here I can be told how fortunate I am to have other children and grandchildren. In fact I am humbled by being blessed in that way. Outside of this site, I cannot. On the subject of grandies, I attribute my 'survival of sanity' to them. They do bring the basics back to me. Their uncomplicated and the simplistic views ground me in ways I never knew.

I have always struggled with the concept of 'acceptance' in this journey known as grief. Today marks the 32nd angelversary for my dad. I was all of 25 when he passed. My babies were 2, 3 & 4. I had just been through a divorce 4 months earlier. Now as I look at pictures of him its not 'grief' that grabs me but a sadness. Its the same sadness I feel when I think of Mike....that sadness of not being able to just pick up the phone or drop in.

The year 1974. The Bride all of 19 on the arm of her dad

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dear Trudi Thank you for sharing the lovely " rememory" of your Wedding Day .

What a beautiful Bride.!!! Your innocence and beauty are astounding and your dad so handsome and proud. I recognized you immediately.

I agree we all d grieve differently. I do still feel the sadness each day and it is touched with a deep warm glow and joy that Stephen, Parents and Hubby shared my life. I guess it is Bittersweet>

Dee Hope are well Do so love your poem It touched my soul

Susannah i miss hearing about your grandchildren and all their successes. Their wonderful saying and their sweet thoughts.

Carol I understand the road you are on and am in awe of the dignity and grace with which you share your soul with all here. In my prayers

Sherry How are you holding up this winter Hope it is not too cold I am still watching my Eagle nests and feeding the squirrels

Betsy, Lorri, Leah, Rhonda, Amy, Sonya, Diane and all Indigos in my thoughts always

To the new members i am sorry that I have not been able to get to know eachof you but need to say welcome Youa r understood and pain honored here.

I heard from Dan and he has fixed the problem with his Never Lose Faith Site

Be well

[ericasmom]

Sweet photo Trudi, you and Dad. I think you might have his smile. Oh 1974, the year I graduated high school. We are of the same era for sure. Yes, it is with sadness that we wish we could know them now, into the ages that they would be if here...

I agree Carol with Trudi, that memory that found you reeling is also one that Mike (young) is grateful for, the way you all gathered to take care of him, to honor his days.

Hi Diane, how goes it?

[Guest msnher]

Still struggling with the whole God idea since Stephanie died, I talked to a friend that seemed to be grounded in such matters...not my Indian friend whom I usually take such matters to. I told my friend (now ex friend) that God, himself, could come down here and explain Stephanie's death to me face to face and I'd tell him, "you were wrong". She was offended with my arrogance and asked me what else I expected God to do in light of the fact that I wanted to raise my grandchildren so bad. I told her to kiss my ass.

I WANTED TO RAISE MY GRANDCHILDREN SO BADLY THAT GOD HAD NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO KILL MY DAUGHTER? Seriously? Don't they know why we fought so hard for these kids? Don't they know the hell they lived through? We didn't want to raise them. We had much different plans for our lives at this stage of the game. We wanted them SAFE!!! Never...never...never...did I want my daughter dead. I haven't been this angry in a very long time. I just don't mix well with people. I have to stick around for Gary and these children...but, I am so over this.

And, God can kiss my ass, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[ericasmom]

I guess I don't get why folks think that God did this to us? God didn't kill our Kids for heaven's sake! God provides a place for our spirits to be when this life is over. It is not up to God to make sure of us, that is free choice, not that we had any choice in our Child being here or not but it sure wasn't God that made a train hit Eri's car...it was God who helped her find her new home though, at least that is what I believe. The God that I have long talked to and loved, is not in charge of who lives and who doesn't...She/he is that next step when this life is done.

I am sorry Susannah, that your exfriend intimated that you wanted Stephanie gone so that you could take the kids. Interpretation issues.