Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

Wishing your son well ....... and strength for Mom .......

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

prayers for your Son, and prayers of rapid healing and strength. Of course your anxiety level is high, and so prayers for you to feel some sense of great peace, an angel is watching closely over his Brother.

To all, a good sleep, deep in the layers of your spirits that know the love of Sweet Angels.

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, thinking of you and Steven....

[heartbeataway]

Just sharing something I read this morning ....

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all .......

                                                   Emily Dickinson

[heartbeataway]

Are the holidays getting to anyone else?  I use to love the holidays not I just find them sad ........ especially Christmas.

[cameronsmom1]

mikesmomrs,

Thank you so much. Dee has some great words because that is so true and I didn't think of it that way.

Amanda

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, Yes! The holidays are very different for me now as well--even if I were not so far from friends and family....

[mikesmum]

Thank you all for you kinds thoughts and words.  Its been a long long long night.  Steven was 'bumped' from the theatre list last night.  They let him know at 1040pm!

Spoke with him this morning and they seem to be overloaded with surgical cases today (Sunday).  He has no private health insurance so has to rely on the public system that groans under the weight!

I was warned that losing a child could see me overly anxious with my other children/grandbabies.  How true.  Simple appendix, straight forward procedure on a health young man, yet I am a mess.

Bonnie - the holidays, well this year Mal is working (ambulance) Melissa is working (nurse) and Steven, well his in-laws feel they have been neglected in the past 2 years.  I was almost relieved when I heard the rosters for Mal and Melissa.  I wouldn't have to put on the "Christmas Cheer" this year.

Instead my baby brother and my kids will come here for a Christmas eve.  A kind of bring a plate, sit and just be together. 

Thank you all for being here, as I said its been a long night sending me back to the lost nights of the early days without Mike.

Take Care - Still freezing here....rain rain rain........Love it!!

[daveydow1]

Lorrie,

Lovely picture of your dear daughter, Kourtney.

 

 Trudi,

 I add my prayers, with all the otheres here, for your dear son who

will undergo an appendectomy. May he recover soon, & be well again.

Prayers for peace & tranquility for you also.

For me,The holidays just aren't the same anymore, and I don't expect

they ever will be the same. Not so much fun as they used to be.

 

            Daveysmom,   Sherry  

 

 Peace to all here at the BI  Family.

           

[bbarbie55]

The holidays are not the same anymore for me . Bobbi used to be with me every thanksgiving, christmas, easter and fourth of july now I'm lucky if I see anyone but my husband. Melissa comes the day before these holidays since they have to visit her boyfriends family. I even have a hard time watching A Christmas Story that was Bobbi's favorite. I try to get in the spirit though for my grandchild and my daughter.

Also Trudi I'm praying for your strength right now. Gog bless you.

Deb

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Keeping you and your son and family in our prayers as we celebrate Mass today, Sunday. 

The holidays....another story.  Trying...grandkids to grow and instill hope in...

luv you all,

carol mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Today one of our neighbors rang the door bell selling pj's for her daughter's soccor team.

I've only met her one other time in person.  We always wave when we see each other but that's the extent of communication.

Anyway, she was talking and asked me if we were going to be home for the holidays.  I told her we were hosting Thanksgiving at our house and going to Detroit for Christmas.

She talked about their plans and her daughters and her son.

She asked how many we were having for Thanksgiving and I told her it looks like 17 so far.

She  asked how I would seat that many ...... I told her I do a buffet.  Then she asked where will they sit to eat and I told her they sit wherever they want.  She kept going and I kept thinking about the "empty chair" and that that's the reason I don't do sit down holiday dinners anymore.

She then began talking about holidays and it's all about family ,  etc.....

I stood there listening with my eyes filling with tears and  then watching her face recognize that the conversation was becoming painful.

She quickly put her hand on my shoulder and said she was sorry before she very quickly left.

I had a little melt down once I was back inside..........

And all because she wanted me to buy pajamas .....

[lolynbo]

YOU KNOW I WOKE UP THINKING ABOUT THE "EMPTY CHAIR " TODAY AND WE ARE SUPPOSE TO GO TO MY SIS IN LAWS (THEY RECENTLY MOVED BACK TO OKLA FROM COLORADO) AND SHE WAS THERE WHEN KOURTNEY PASSED AND HELP ME ALOT WITH MY LOSS...IM ASKING IF WE CAN HAVE AN "EMPTY CHAIR" IM SURE SHE WILL DO IT...

SO HARD TO CARRY ON FAMILY TRADITIONS WHEN THE FAMILY ISNT COMPLETE...

 

THIS PIC IS OF KOURTNEY AND HER "BEST FRIEND" ON THEIR LAST LUNCHEON..PROB THAT TUESDAY AND HER TUMOR BURST THAT THURSDAY KOURTNEY IS ON THE RIGHT

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh Bonnie.... I'm so sorry... Neighbors! Can't live with them, and you can't live with them! Ugh!! Sending hugs and a prayer for comfort and peaceful sleep tonight. Love, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I've actually never had a true "empty chair" at a holiday.  I have a framed poem that was given to me.  I put the poem, the attached picture also framed and a small candle somewhere on the buffet table.

I just can't leave him out .......

The poem:

[align=center]ALWAYS REMEMBERED

I know I am still with you in your prayers,

your thoughts, your heart.

And though you cannot see me,

 I will always be a part

of life's sweet celebrations

 in those times whey you reflect

 on how, though things are different,

through our love, we still connect.

We'll see each other someday

 when our spirits all are free.

Until then, I am with you

Because you remember me.

[/align]

[lolynbo]

STRANGE COINCIDENCE WE HAD A EMPTY CHAIR AT KOURTNEYS WEDDING AND A MEMORIAL TABLE FOR MY BROTHER CONSISTED OF CANDLE ETC....NOW HERE WE ARE WITH HER...LOVE THE POEM COPING IT AS WE SPEAK.

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  so very sorry that you had the encounter.  The tears were inevitable with the talk going in the direction it was, but I am sorry you had to endure it all.    I do like our idea of Jason's picture and the poem at the table...we also have a picture of Mike whenever we all gather, and sometimes when it's just the two of us.  This Thanksgiving will be quite different, being in a new house and all, but we will have to look at it as an opportunity to show the grandkids that life is a continuum... 

That last Thanksgiving with Mike...his wife wanted them to spend the whole day with her family,who live only on the other side of town, and finally "agreed" that they would have dinner with us first, and then later go to her family's for dessert...I didn't know about this until Mike called tht morning to say that he would be here, but alone, and only later explained why.  (When Mike hung up, his wife had heard him on the phone, and she made the agreement to split the day.)   We all knew that it would be Mike's last Thanksgiving, and if they weren't going to spend it in their own home, then Mike's dad and I, and his sisters, all thought they should come here, at least for part of the day...I guess I was being selfish, but I am so glad it worked out the way it did...though there were some uncomfortable moments when they first got to our house, with Sarah sitting off to herself at first, but finally deciding to join in.  Mike really loved everything about Thanksgiving, and I am so glad we got to spend that last one with him and his little family...it was truly bittersweet because it was difficult to get it out of our minds that this would be his last, but every day from May 18, 2005 (the date of his diagnosis) until the day he died, 17 months later, was bittersweet as well; this one just happened to be a little more so.

No, the holidays will never be the same, but we need to continue as much as we can, for those who are still here, as well as those who are here only in memory---we owe them that.  I am so thankful for all of us here, that we can come and say how we truly feel, express our sadness, receive understanding and comfort, and find strength to go on with our lives as best we can. 

Lorri:  Kourtney looks beautiful in the picture with her friend.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

[lolynbo]

EVERY THANKGIVING KOURTNEY WAS GETTING MORE INTO HELPING WITH THE COOKING...SHE ALWAYS MADE DADDY HIS BUTTERMILK PIES HE SAID THEY WERE AWESOME...HELPED ME WITH OR TOOK OVER THE YAMS AND GREENBEAN CASSOROLE..  HER HUBBY EVEN HELPED THIS LAST THANKSGIVING (THE ONE BEFORE WE WERE IN HOSP I GUESS 06)

OUR LAST THANKSGIVING WE WERE OF COURSE AT OU MED IN OK CITY, MY SIDE OF FAMILY, MONTYS SIDE (KOURTS STEP DAD, ACTUALLY REAL DAD AT HEART) BRENTS FAMILY, AND MY X'S FAMILY ALL GOT TOGETHER AND FEED OVER 40 PPL RIGHT THERE IN THE CAFATERIA HOSP...PLUS PPL THAT ALSO HAD NO WHERE TO GO...IT WAS VERY BITTERSWEET, KNOWING OUR BABY WAS UPSTAIRS FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE...I NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD BE HER LAST..EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDNT GET TO EAT ANY OF HER FAV FOODS..

JUST TYPING THIS IM CRYING BECAUSE I REMEMBER ALL THE EMOTIONS OF THE DAY AND THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE WE WERE ON...

EATING THE FEAST OF HER LIFE THIS THANKSGIVING...I MISS YOU SO MUCH KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT (AKA TATERSKIN, SHORTY, BABYGIRL,KOURKI,PUNKINPIE)

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Bless your broken heart .........

I remember our first Thanksgiving ...... the first without Jason. We had a full house and were really busy but still the "ticker tape" was running through my mind constantly....

"How can he be gone?  ......... How can he be gone?....... How can he .........."

Your journey's so fresh and so new .........

I also can't relate to the memories of months of care ........ Jason died very suddenly.  He woke up, said Good Morning and laid back down.  He never woke up again........

I wish you strength. May the spirit of your beautiful daughter who lives so deep within your heart bring you that strength.  And may the memories of her standing with you in the kitchen helping prepare those favorite dishes replace the memories from the year she was hospitalized.

The holidays are so, so sad.  It's a family time and like you said earlier, the family circle is broken now and so are the traditions and the future. Jason loved family getting together and the hub bub and mass confusion ........ it was all good as he would say.

You could mention a family event to him and he always responded, "I'll be there!"

And he was .......

What I'm finding sad this year is that since the first year past, folks moved on in a sense also.  Last year, we had family here.  This year not one family member has even asked what we're doing for the holidays .......

We'll have 17 people at our home for Thanksgiving and not one family member.  I find that sad .......

Be blessed and let your memories bring you comfort and even though it's hard at times, don't forget to be Thankful.

Take good care,

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

I spent this whole weekend painting and unpacking trying to get the house to where I can actually enjoy it and I got a lot done but nowhere near through. As me and my husband were in my camerons room, he was painting the walls and I was painting the trim. We had music playing and the song that my husband played at the funeral, The Walk from Sammy Kershaw, came on and he sang every word. Then right after that song it was the song I picked, Who you'd be today, Kenny Chesney. I tried to sing it but I ended up having to turn it off. I was already having a hard time because the only other time i've ever painted a room was when I painted Braydens nursery. I had so many emotions built up and that song just tore me down. I had to get up and leave the room so I could calm down.  

I saw a picture that my mom took of Brayden in the casket last week. This is the first time i've seen him since April. My sister is still living with us and her baby is 2 months old. Now everytime I look at him I see Brayden. I've noticed too that I don't hold him as much. I really don't mean to be like that I love my nephew. Any advice?

[daniellemom]

Trudi,

My prayers are with you and your son. I hope everything goes well. I can understand your emotions being every where. It's like we know everything should be OK but we also know it doesn't always work that way because it didn't in the pass.

As for as the holidays they are always harder with a lost. Bonnie I really like the poem and if you don't mind I may use it this year. Not only for Danielle but for my grandfather. Last year for Thanksgiving we just tried to make it through. My family nots really big on Thanksgiving we had lunch at my sisters and cried most of the time. It was only a little over a month after Danielle passed. We were still in shock. For Christmas at my Mama, we lite candles outside on the walk and I put up a little poem about my first Christmas in heaven. My prayers will be for everyone here during the holiday season.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

I so agree with all, the holidays are especially difficult, no way around it. I agree with you Bonnie, it is sad that no family members have asked what you are doing, so many folks just stay quiet because; A. they don't want to know

B. They feel guilty C. They do not want to be around us

or D. All of the above or perhaps they simply are without any ability to help and so they feel helpless.

Whatever the reasons Bonnie, how cool that 17 friends are coming over. Long ago, when the kids were young, we had such fine Thanksgiving times, the kids and I would put the turkey in very early and then drive to the zoo, open 365 days of the year. Brookfield Zoo. We walked around and were thankful for all of the creatures, and then we would go home and continue the cooking process. Family and friends came by, whoever was in town that needed or wanted a place to gather came. Maybe this year I will go wander the zoo alone, it would certainly bring back some fine memories. Anyhow, I loved the whole friend aspect, because family is not always the folks you want to spend time with. When my Mom and Dad disowned me, my family, we started some new traditions, the zoo being one of them. It was suggested to me yesterday by Michael's sister, to start a new tradition that helps me enjoy the holidays more again...I told her part of me wants to put up a tree, haven't since Erz left in 2003, I just am afraid of the ornaments and how it would feel to pack them away again. Putting her away is too hard. So Carol suggested to put up a small tree with only new things on it. I never even thought of this, it is simple, it is fresh, it is doable, still don't know if I will, but it struck a feeling of possibility.

So while so many of you are expereincing your first or second holiday season without your Sweeties, perhaps trying something new to look forward to. This Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I get on the train and go downtown to watch the LIONS that flank THE ART INSTITUTE get their wreaths. It is a fabulous early day event, and there is music and children singing, there the lions stand so perfect and wise, and I weep for all that is before me and for all that is behind...I will go alone as I like to do, for the 3rd year now. It is my new tradition. Then I wander my favorite museum as I do several times per year, I shop a bit, and I may go ice skating as well. WE'll see. I think my main message here in my overly-wordy installment is, it will get better, and as you find new things to do to mark the time, you may look forward to some of what the holidays have to offer.

My heart,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Sonya,

The poem was given to me ....... please , it's my gift to you.  I'm "Paying it forward", perhaps?

I believe Compassionate Friends had a worldwide candle lighting last year.  My husband and I went out on the porch and lit a candle in Jason's memory.  It was touching to know that there were other parents somewhere standing on their porch lighting a candle in honor of their children.

I'll try to find the date for this year and pass it along.

Amanda,

Time ....... it just takes time.  Be patient with yourself and remember you have every right to show emotion.  You lost a child.  Don't feel bad because you grieve ...... you will always grieve.

Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Your activity of going by the el train downtown Chicago to see the lions

get their wreaths at the Art Museum is a nice custom. My husband and

I visited that museum a few years ago, and have photos of us near the

lions. Chicago is a great town (as I'm sure you agree). My husband went

to college there years ago (Loyola), and loved living there.  Also, visiting

the Brookfield Zoo would be a wonderful experience. We have not gone

there in the past, but would like to someday.  A small, new Christmas tree

with new ornaments would be nice. Perhaps a tabletop one to start out

with.  We put up a new tree last year, but when we got out the decorations,

and looked at all the little handmade ones from the kids, including Davey's

photo one, it caused many tears. Whatever you decide, may you find some

measure of peace this season.

                               Sherry

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

Hope Steven is doing well-know I am praying and thinking of you both.

Bonnie

Love the poem and I would like to use it too if that is ok.

Dee

Thank you for the idea of buying new ornaments. The girls want to put up the tree. I am afraid like you to see Johnnys handprint ornament or babys 1st christmas ornament it would really take me away. Maybe I can talk them into something different on the tree. Sometimes i think I am the only one around here still grieving.

Do any of you feel that way? I am already counting down  to Christmas but not for the day to be here but the day to be over. I think I can suck it up 30 more days. I just hold a lot in so as not to ruin it for others. Johnny was our Santa and passed out all the presents every year. And then hanging his stocking...I just want it all to go away.

 

Lorri-Kourtney's smile is beautiful.

 

Cameronsmom-you are doing what you can. Not because you dont love your nephew because you are still hurting. It will get better.

I  have learned to do what I can and not beat myself up over what I am not.

Hoping for peace for us all,

Kay

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

Thank you so much for the lovely poem, my friend.

It touched me so much, and I felt as though Davey was

speaking the words to me. I'm sure you felt that dear Jay

was speaking the words to you also. The words are so simple and

direct, yet they say so much.

Thanks again for sharing this beautiful poem with all of us

here at BI.

                                Sherry

[dansmama]

Compassionate Friends Candlelighting ceremony is on Sunday, December 14. Here's the link http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

I woke up with that horrible ache in my chest todya. Then I realized that it is 4 months today since I last heard his voice or felt his hug. I miss him terribly. Thank you on this board for being here.

[ericasmom]

Yes Sherri,

I love Chicago, I love the sense of being among thousands but somehow alone in my thoughts, and I have always loved that feeling, alone among the masses. I don't mean lonely, but simply on my own. It is a good feeling. If any of you visit Chicago, please let me know so that I can show you the city. Kay, Eri began making her Christmas lists in July, and it was always a huge deal to her, I miss that. I feel I need to make it a bigger deal in her honor, but the quiet I have found is also a relief from the forced celebrations. I do gather at my sister's for our annual holiday party which Eri loved and I still love. She would say at-least 1oo times on the way there each year, (it's only 15 miles away), we have to stay late right Mom. We always did, we always stayed late. I still do, I look for her, and she shows up too. One year my niece Laura and I were walking toward the front room to call everyone to the gift exchange and the door blew open. We knew it was she, coming to share in the excitement. My goodness I miss her. I miss how she never held in her human arms, the great nieces and nephews since she left here. Alex Katherine, Nayeli Erica, Anna Lenore, and Xavier Matthew. She delighted in her cousins' babies, felt privleged to held them, loved when they put their arms out to her. I know that she is with us though, and for that I am truely grateful. That I feel her, and believe she joins us is a gift.

For those of you in new homes, give yourselves a bit of a break, not only have you moved, you are going through a move without your Loved One, you are tired and unpacking boxes, some of which are all about the One you grieve. Grief is life-long, but remember, it will not always feel as it feels now, and remember that the holidays bring forth some of the hardest aspects of it. I am with Kay when she says she counts down to it being over. One thing that I do that has been spirtually helpful is to write down all my hopes and aspirations on NEW YEARS EVE and go out in the freezing yard and burn them setting them free into the universe, asking ERi to bless these thoughts and hopes as they travel.

Four months today? I remember the 4 motnh mark and I ached harder than I had ached. I felt raw at that point and I realized that it was the shock being gone. The shock had completely worn off at that time and I had a very hard time with how badly it hurt, but here I am, 5.5 years later, promising you all, that it will feel different one day, that you will find some silver and gold in your banged up souls. Promise. There is beauty even in this.

My love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dansmomma,

Four months ........ I also remember that point in this journey.  It's going to get softer.

Thank you for sharing the date of the candle lighting. I'm not sure where I saw it last year but I'm almost sure it said to put the candle on the front porch ........ and that's where we will probably put it again this year.

I've really missed Jay a lot lately .......

Bonnie

[dansmama]

To Erica and Jason's mom  - Thank you so much. Today has been the worst in a long time. You are right the shock is gone. It's real now. I am at the anger stage where I see what his loss has done to my three daughters, grandchildren and my 82 year old mother. My mother is sharp as a tack, really active and healthy. These last four months have aged her tremendously. Even though I know that we will all see him again and God's plans are perfect, the human me just wants to scream.

Have a peaceful Thanksgiving, Blessing, Marian

[lolynbo]

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT A SINGLE CANDLE IN THE WINDOW MEANS I WAS THINKING ABOUT PUTTING A SINGLE CANDLE IN EACH FRONT WINDOW...

WE ALSO ARE GOING TO THE CANDLE LIGHTING HERE IN ARDMORE..IM PUTTING KOURTNEYS PIC IN THE PAPER W A WRIGHT UP...HER TWO TRUE GOOD FRIENDS ARE GOING TO SING AND READ A POEM...

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I'm sure you could do it anyway you want ...... and it will be perfect!  We put ours on the front porch.

The candle lighting with friends sounds comforting.

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

lolynbo,

I was just curious, when and where is the candle lighting in ardmore?

Amanda

[lolynbo]

CENTRAL PARK THE 14TH AT 6...CALL JANICE COLVY AT CROSSTIMBER HOSPICE IF YOU WANT IN THE PROGRAM...

[cameronsmom1]

Ok thank you!

Amanda

[lolynbo]

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE...WE BE THE ONES CRYING....ALL OF US WILL THEY SAY ITS VERY EMOTIONAL...

[DawnFisher]

Regarding the symbolism of candles - I just thought I'd mention it here in case you didn't know -

[align=justify]It is a symbolic gesture to those ancient travelers who could find no shelter that there is room in this home for them and the coming child. The candle in the window, still a favorite traditional Christmas decoration, harkens back to that ancient Christmas Eve, when Mary and Joseph could find no shelter. It is a symbol of hospitality, their way of welcoming Mary and Joseph...and any travelers who might happen to pass by looking for a warm place to stay. [/align]

[align=justify]The Tradition of placing a Candle in the Window goes back to the Colonial times in the United States and back much further in time for other cultures.  It is a Tradition practiced throughout the year. It symbolizes the warmth and security of the Family hearth and signals loyalty to Family members and loved ones  who are not present in the home. [/align]

[align=justify]Especially in pioneer days when neighbors were so far apart and people traveled in desolate country sides some people would put a candle in the window as a beacon for a weary traveler or, if they were expecting guests. It was a welcoming gesture and, during heavy storms saved many a people's lives. During wars times  mothers or wives would point to the candle in the window before their son or husband went to war and assured them it would be lit every night waiting for him to come home safe and sound. It was to show him he was much loved and not forgotten.  From Wiki Answers[/align]

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift from TCF to the bereavement community, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

A blue light candle honors and remembers those law enforcement officers who have given their lives in service to their profession and thanks those who continue to work America's dangerous streets and highways every day of the year.

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I have not been on for a few days - took a spill down the steps outside and ended up at the emergency room for what I thought was a broken ankel - but thankfully it was a bad sprain so wrapped and on crutches for a few days. I have a great respect for the handicapped of this world - just trying to get around on crutches was so diffacult!!   Tavian was very excited as he could take care of me but it only lasted one day and all was back to normal for him but it was nice for that one day!!!!

Trudi - how is Steven doing and how are you??  I hurt so much for you as it is so hard when something (no matter how small) happens to one of our loved ones - we are terrified. As soon as Tavian says "I don't feel good" I begin to panic and worry thinking of all the horrible things that it might be - as much as we try to rationalize it in our heads our hearts speak a different language. In my Prayers my friend.

Bonnie - what a beautiful poem and thanks for sharing!!   I say good for you to have 17 friends at your home for thanksgiving!!!  I sympathize with the "not one person in the family asked what we are doing" - can cut you like a knife but count your blessings girl - those 17 wonderful people who care!!!      We go to my mother-in-laws every year - this is the first one with out Dad as he passed on Labor Day but we will get through it.   

Lorrie - Kourtney helping with the Thanksgiving dinner - my tears fall for you as we all remember the first months and the first of everything - how diffacult it was just to get out of bed in the morning - if you went to bed at all - to breathe, to just be.  I never thought I would make it through the first's and here I am facing my 3rd thanksgiving without Jessica!!  I do not know if I would celebrate if it were not for Tavian. I cannot really say what I would do as I have had him since Jessica left and so there was never an option for me to not celebrate Christmas or  any other holiday.  You are a strong person and your memories and love of Kourtney, the connection you had and still have will carry you through each and every moment.

Dee - Once again your amazing strength shows itself in your postings. A breath of strength when one is feeling so weak - thank you my friend.

Tavian will be at his other grangmother's starting tonight through Sunday - five days without him - I have alot to do but hate being away from him for that long of a time.  I usually do not let him stay that long but we are sort of trying an experiement - we want to see if and how his behavior changes when he returns home on Monday after school. Trying to keep track of when his behavior changes drastically and my husband thinks it has alot to do with him spending time at her house and away from us.   We shall see.

Missing all of you and will talk and post some pictures soon.  Peace and Love, kathy

[lolynbo]

"It symbolizes the warmth and security of the Family hearth and signals loyalty to Family members and loved ones  who are not present in the home. "

THEN SINCE I DONT HAVE KOURTNEY WITH US THIS YR..OR EVER FOR THE HOLIDAYS...I WILL PUT A CANDLE IN THE WINDOW...I LIKE THE IDEA..

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME DECIDE

[lolynbo]

ALSO REGAURDING THE HOLIDAYS...KOURTNEY ALWAYS MADE BUTTERMILK PIE FOR HER DADDY...HE WENT SHOPPING LAST NIGHT BY HIMSELF TO GET THE SUPPLIES..HE'S MAKING BUTTERMILK PIES BECAUSE HE SAID HE KNOWS KOURTNEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR HIM...HE IS USING HER RECIPE...HE IS A WONDERFUL DADDY HE HAS LOVED HER SINCE SHE WAS 3 YRS OLD...I WAS WORKING ONE NIGHT AND HE WAS WATCHING THE GIRLS (KIMBERLY 4 AND KOURTNEY 3) AND KOURTNEY POOPOOED HER PANTIES (DIAPER) SO HE CLEANED HER UP AND TOOK HER OUTSIDE AND HOSED HER OFF.....SHE ALWAYS TOLD HIM " DADDY WHEN ITS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, IM HOSING YOU OFF)

THIS IS A MAN THAT NEVER LEFT HER SIDE THE 7 MONTHS WE WERE GONE FROM HOME WITH KOURTNEY, HE TURNED HER EVEERY TWO HOURS....SHE HAD NOT ONE BEDSORE WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY...NOT ONE, EVERYONE COMMINTED ON HOW GREAT HER SKIN LOOKED...

THANK YOU GOD FOR MY HUSBAND MONTY BOATRIGHT, KOURTNEYS DADDY

MONTY ON DAY OF KOURTNEYS FUNERAL

[daveydow1]

Dansmama,

The 4 month mark is indeed a very painful point. As Dee said,--some of

the numbness is wearing off, and the pain and sorrow is so acute. I am

also at the 5.5 year mark on this journey, and in the beginning I felt as

though there was no way I could ever make one or two years, let alone

over 5 yrs. Time does help soften the pain-----though missing our children

will be with us for all time. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

                           Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I know what you mean about our dear children in heaven not being

here to see all the new additions to the family----little ones so sweet

and new. Dave died even before his sister's wedding which took place

2 months after he passed. So, now he would have been able to play

with his two little nephews--Canyon and Trenton David. Just not meant to be , I

guess.

    The day that the door blew open at your gathering was surely a sign from ERi that

she indeed wanted to be a part of all the fun and festivities. Christmas

is very hard, and sometimes I wish I could just go from Halloween directly

to January, and skip all that is in between, but others depend on us, so

we make the best of it. In my quiet time--alone--I reflect upon my life when

Davey was still in it, and feel thankful that I had him for 31 years. Peace be

with you.

                            Sherry 

[johnnysmama]

Thanks Dee and Sherry for your beautiful words.

[johnnysmama]

Dansmom and Lorri-it is so raw for you-hang on and know we are here for you.

 

Kathy-sorry about your spill

 

Bonnie-my heart goes out to you-miss my boy a lot, too-take care

[lolynbo]

JOHNNY LOOKS SO CUTE IN THAT PIC...I LOVE IT

I WAS AT THE CEMETARY (LIKE I AM EVERY NIGHT) AND I SAID OUT LOUD

"ITS LIKE BEING IN A MOVIE THAT KEEPS GETTING REWINDED, AND IT DOESNT HAVE A HAPPY ENDING"..

I KNOW SHE IS IN HEAVEN AND I WILL SEE HER AGAIN, BUT I WANT HER HERE WITH ME, I FEEL LIKE I DIED TOO...

I WENT TO THE CASINO LAST NIGHT (LOST $200.00) IN 2 HOURS..BUT ANYWAY, RAN INTO 2 PPL THAT I HADNT SEEN, ONE WAS KOURTNEYS DADS CUZIN, HE ASKED WHAT HAPPENED, (HE WAS IN IRAQ , SO I TOLD HIM) NOTHIN LIKE CRYING AND LOSING MONEY IN PUBLIC AT THE SAME TIME..

 

I PICTURE THIS IS KOURTNEY IN HEAVEN!!

[summergirl]

Sherry - how true it is - would be nice to go from Halloween right to January - but as you say so many people depend on us for one thing or another. Having Tavian with us forces us to do things I do not know whether we would have done or not. Still hard to believe it is our third Thanksgiving without our beautiful Jessica -- seems as though I am always saying "it's another first, second or third about something in my life now. The before and the after.  I too reflect alot on my 26 wonderful years with Jessica, how blessed I was to have had her for those years and to now have Tavian to continue on for her and himself.  

Lorri - Monty certainly sounds like a wonderful husband and father - you are blessed and your Kourtney was certainly blessed to have such a loving father in her life. As time goes by you will find one day that you will smile at memories, you will remember a moment in time and the pain will not be as harsh as it is now.  As many have said, time softens the pain and more laughter and sunshine find a way into your life and heart - you will never be without pain, saddness and times where you feel as though you cannot breath but trust us when we tell you that time will soften the pain.    I am glad you made the decision to put the candle in the window - I do it every year and it brings a good feeling.

Was going through the closet tonight - something to do as  I am alone -Tavian at his grandmothers and hubby at the Firehouse for a meeting - so thought I would get the Christmas stuff out and ended up going through the boxes of Jessica's "stuff" - holding her hats, clothing (I put her coat on) and read some of her letters.  Found one that said "Mom, took Kaylie for a walk on the beach, Love J."    Of course the tears began and fell like a waterfall but I was glad to have found it - I have it on my dresser.     Miss her soooooooooooo much - want to hear her laugh and say I love you mom.

Bless all of you - Kathy

[summergirl]

Lorri - the picture of "Kourtney in Heaven" is beautiful!!!!!!    Don't feel bad about crying in public - been there and done that!   However, losing the 200.00 I probably would have cried over that too but then again we cry alot don't we??? Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy I can pretty much hear Jess saying, " I love you Mom" each time I look at her photo. Boy does she love her Mom. I am glad you found those treasures, more tangible proof of that lovely Child. The tears are simply the way to handle time. I hope that your ankle heals well.

Sherry, My thoughts are with you as well, God Bless as we enter our 6th Thanksgiving without the KIds. Hand in hand, heart to heart.

Lori, love the photo of the angel inheaven, there she is gleaming out to let you see that she is more than fine. Tell that Man of yours to post the recipe if it is okay with you, for the buttermilk pies. We can all share in a little Kourtney pie.

Kay, hugs to you, Johnny is holding you as you go along. It aches... this time thing, but you have traveled a long way, look at those steps you have taken, and he smiles at all you have managed.

Peace Dearies,

Dee

Carol and Mamabetts, are you both okay? Trish, how is your Son. Did it snow near you Trish? Claudia, are you well?

[lostwoher]

Good evening to all. Been several days since my last post but I took everyones advice and enjoyed some time to myself. Even shut myself in the garage and screamed until I couldnt scream any longer. Boy did that ever feel good. Took some nice cold walks under the stars while talking to my girl. Passerbyes probably think Im a nutcase but thats ok. I did check in on everyones post at least once daily. I got so touched and emotional reading the stories here. Everyone is thought of during the day.  We all have so much to handle and deal with.  I marked my calendar to light the candle on the 14th. So glad to know the date this year. Still trying to bring out the holiday decorations but not much luck. We decided that since thanksgiving is our first holiday without Kayla that we may as well change how we do things. Ex: instead of cooking, we will go out to eat  and catch a movie. I will make a big dinner on the wknd since I dont work and we can have time to reflect and not worry about being so cheerful for others on that day. I will make a trip to the cemetary to freshen up the flowers and let her know that since she cant be with us that we will come to her. It will all work out just fine.

Take care and keep the strong words of wisdom coming. Love and Peace to ALL,

Lynn

[4everjoeysmom]

Lynn, Hugs!! I'm glad you took some time for yourself and that it was fruitful. Bless you, and I will be holding you in prayer--as with all parents here--through this week of Thanksgiving. I give thanks for the healing journey I found among friends here. Love & Blessings, Claudia