Loss of a Teenager

[jamiedawnsmom]

Jamie's Daddy, I'm so sorry for your loss. Jamie is a beautiful girl. I lost my 16 year-old daughter on December 23, 2005. My Jamie was a sophomore in high school, my baby and the light of a lot of her family's eye as was your Jamie. This is a long, hard road that we travel and it's hard to see the light at the end. I hope you feel Jamie's spirit with you always. I have a memorial website for Jamie at http://jamie-dawn-grinolds.memory-of.com. I wish you and your family peace.

Renee

[jamiedawnsmom]

Coryjsmom, today is 16 months since Jamie was killed in a car accident. Her 18th birthday will be on June 29. Prom was this past Saturday. So many reminders of what they can no longer experience. I know what you mean about just missing them and thinking they should be here with us. Like Ian's mom had posted - I don't want to come out of the numb stage as the reality just hurts too much.

Take Care!

Renee

[coryjsmom]

Renee,

This would have been Cory's first year to go to the Prom. His girlfriend is going with her new boyfriend. That hurts. He always had so many plans for the summer.

The thing that really bothers me now is I feel like I'm forgetting him, like I can't remember how it was when he was around. Life sure has slowed down for me and I don't like it. Sometimes I wonder how I got this far. I really wish none of us had to go through this misery of losing our children.

Take care,

Ginger

[4everjoeysmom]

Ginger, I can totally relate to your specific feelings noted in your last post. I heard from Joey's ex-girlfriend the other day that she is expecting a baby in November. It brought feelings of deep sadness for me in knowing I will never know the joy of Joey's children... and my life has become so quiet without Joey here. He was always making noise of some kind, whether bad or good, and I miss his noise in my life.

My heart is heavy for all of us that have to go on not knowing the many joys that might have been...

[evsmom]

I'm so sorry for everyone who is a part of this journey, so sorry for the deep pain we all have to endure...My Evan would be getting ready for Graduation right now. He was the one who always organized EVERYTHING, so he would be likely organizing the trip he and his friends would have been going on after grad. It's soccer season right now and once again, he would be organizing the team and ordering new uniforms...It makes it so very hard when we see our children's friends carrying on with life, doing what our children should be doing. I like to believe they are still doing what they love. I lost Evan five months ago, on April 19th. I too, cannot believe this is my life, that this is anyone of our lives...With understanding, Diana

[ilovemyboy]

Dear Claudia

I have been praying for peace for all of us in this club that no one wants to join. My heart is so aching ........its our one year anniversary and I AGAIN am having trouble getting out of the hospital in my head ........so much struggle..so much suffering I cry everyday Dear God I miss my boy.

Onna

[4everjoeysmom]

Onna, you've been in my thoughts and prayers even though I haven't seen you here in quite some time. I'm so sorry... I have many tears too, and I wish I could say something that would magically make you feel better. I miss my boy too---terribly much and terribly painful. I mean I carry the hope of seeing him again one day, but the missing him here is so excruciating. I know exactly how you feel my dear friend. And though our children suffer no more, we do... I pray for us all to find comfort and peace and light in the dark darkness of our pain. It hurts so much... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[ilovemyboy]

Claudia, Please tell me how you move through your day...ie hows missionary life? Do you have any trips to the US scheduled? Life is such a miracle ...we are so blessed to be alive...especially now during such troubled times. We are planning a memorial walk on May 12th. Hoping to see some folks who have been staying away the past year ...kind of hungry.... NO STARVED for some great hugging holding and love. Sams memory will supply the love. I have been still working on my physical stuff ...tiny progress that hasnt translated YET into better walking and balance...I believe that will follow soon.

Joe is doing little league and track so he sleeps great. He is so courageous...he feels his brother with him and believes he is growing along with him so Sam will always be the BIG brother. Mac is strong and being stretched emotionally and spiritually like me. re read that line and thought MAC is strong....not me.

Warmly Donna

Donna

[jamiesdaddy1991]

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. Today is 6 weeks since our baby girl left this earth. Katant I know this person should be in jail but sometimes our legal system makes huge mistakes. But rest assured that when this person is judged by God there won't be any mistakes. My heart goes out to all of you. May God walk with us as we try to COPE.

[katant]

Your right. The ultimate judge is GOD. It's hard some days to think that and remember that...but I do.

Thank you for brining back to my mind to calmness.....

kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Katant, YES!! I'm happy to know that at least there is one being that is just all the time and that is God. He will see this through, end though it may not always be as we hope or expect here in this life, we can know that it will be perfect in the everafterlife. I pray knowing this will continue to bring you peace and strength...

D-Onna, I move through a typical day leaning on the strength of the Lord. Sonme days I visit with people. Other days I am taking care of ministry paperowkr, bookkeeping, and the nuts and bolts of operations. Other times I am working physically around the property, cleaning rooms and keeing things up for people that visit our retreat and meeting center. And other times I mull around and enjoy the peaceful scerene surroundings of the rain forest. Sometimes I cry a lot and other times I am filled with unspeakable joy. There is no method to my days, I just follow God's lead most days and when I can't, He carries me. We just got two baby goats here on the property, and they are so precious and cute. Hearing the baah-baah-bahh of their little voices is comforting as they graze nearby our apartment during the daytime. In a nutshell I just put one foot in front of the other, not always knowing where it will land, but trusting that God is there before me. I enjoy the missionary life, be it ever humble and frugal, I am learning to live from what I used to earn at $5000 per month to now receiving by donations for Michael and I a combined support of $500 per month. Wow! Huh? I never imagined that living worldly poor I would feel so rich in spirit. I have my very down days, but most times I am reminded by my surroundings that being here is very worthwhile and healing for me as well.

I love that Joe shares with you that he feels his big brother lifting him in love and courage to carry on, always knowing that Sam is big brother no matter where he is or what Joe is doing. That is awesomely wonderful!! I think Patrick feels a little bit the same way, knowing his bog brother Joey is very proud of him and will always be his "best man". It makes me sad, but happy at the same time when I think of things like this and of Patrick's courage as well. They will continue to be rays of sunshine, and for that I am thankful.

Kathy I am so very sorry that your Anthony is not here with you and there are no siblings. Do you have any pets that keep you company? I live far from my son Patrick, and so my husband gave me a puppy shortly after we returned from Joey's memorial service. I named him JoJo after my son Joey, and JoJo has been a bundle of energy that brings me a lot of smiles, even through tears. I pray that you have a comfort nearby. I read your posts and don;t always know what to say because I hurt so much too. I know your heart is so full of love for NAthiny and his love surrounds you all the time. I wish you peace and blessings, and pray that no matter what happens with that girl, I pray you will find peace and light to carry on until we all meet up in that heavenly reunion. God bless you katanat! Hugs and best thoughts to all, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

And sorry all for the typos! It must be the porkfat on my fingers from frying up dog treats. Yummy!!! :-)

[jamiesdaddy1991]

JamieDawnsMom,

You did such a great job on Jamie's memorial site, she was a very pretty girl. Our Jamie was also a sophmore in high school.

[Guest Guest]

Hi Maria.its Janiece..I came across your letters when i was sending a candle to Breanna Im sitting here crying,wishing i could hold you and let you know that i am so very sorry that you lost your sweet baby..I miss her so much.and i constantly relive so many memories of her,Andrea and your family and mine as well.....I cant and dont even try to imagine the pain....the missing part.but i want you to know that i am here...and i am making plans as we speak to come see you as i miss you so much too I love you sweetie and you and yours are in my thoughts........with prayers and warm wishes....... BTW.i hafto tell you a funny story when i was in Tucson.we were sending balloons to Breanna and one got stuck in the palm tree out front.Ryann proceeded to throw her shoe and it got stuck on the roof.so,Cody decides to throw his phone to possibly jar the balloon out of the tree but instead broke his phone.......and then thought a metal rod would do it,but cut his finger..it was such a hilarious scene that i know Breanna was laughing her ass off....i love you Janiece

[wadesmom]

jamiesdaddy1991,

I am so sorry for your loss. My son was on his way to Football practice(sophomore) and was killed in a MVA.

Here are some things that I have learned the past 8 months.

Please be kind to yourself, take one day at a time and remember if you ever need a place to vent- please post on BI whenever you desire.

Sometimes you will get several responses and sometimes possibly a few, it doesn't mean that people on BI don't care to respond, sometimes it is due to our own grief journey, (where we're currently at, what's happening) and I know that some days it is easier to post then on other days. Often times I read the posts, but am at a loss for words, and I fear that I'll say the wrong thing. But remember we care-

Again- you are in my thoughts & prayers-

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

Kathy,

That's awesome that so many of Anthony's friends and family attended the candle vigil. I wondered how you got along so I was glad that you posted.

I'm thinking of you as you deal with the anger associated with your loss and the court system. I was intensely angry between 4-6 months after Wade was killed, I believe it is something that takes a different amount of time for each of us- none of it makes sense and none of it is right, I still feel angry- but my close friends/family would not notice now because even though I'm not proud of this, I can conceal it better now then I did a few months ago. I don't know- maybe it's something that doesn't go away- or perhaps it's something that over time- as they say- it softens. It's hard to imagine- but maybe this does occur,,,,,,,,,, over time.

Take care of yourself Kathy.

Wadesmom

[jjrmom]

It has been alittle over 5 months Jerrod was killed by a drunk driver and we went to court and the guy plead gulity On FRiday April the 13th he will get 10 years but actually serve 5 or less depending on good behavior. The court systems sucks and one DA tells you one thing and the other something totally different. On May 18th the guy that killed Jerrod will actually get sentence and that is when I give my impact statement. But my statement will not have any bearing on his sentence because he is already charged. Anyone one who son or daughter has been killed by a drunk be prepared for this crap. Because it hurts so bad. If Cunningham Law appeals in your state or something like it be prepare it is a law that favors the killer. Having a hard time coping that someone that killed Jerrod just 18 gets so little time. I wish I had more time with him.

[jamiedawnsmom]

Jamiesdaddy1991, thank you. Working on Jamie's memorial web page has been a type of therapy for me. It also gives her friends and family a place to go to sort of connect with Jamie, if that makes sense. Your loss of your precious Jamie is still so new. It was at the one year point that I did the web page. The hardest part has been watching all her friends and classmates go on with their lives like nothing has happened. I know that isn't true and that they think of Jamie a lot but it just seems like the world keeps on going while I can't get past the day of the accident. Life does go on whether we want it to or not. I hope you and your family are coping the best way that you can. Cherish your memories. Renee

[katant]

Hi all....

I have a strange question....

Last night I was having very strange, scary dreams like my house was haunted..something was trying to hurt me. Well I woke up this morning and felt a bruise on my right arm...small...i don't remember hitting anything BUT there are dots directly on the bruise...it looks like the letter "A"...my son Anthony as you all know was hit and killed by a drunk driver just over 4 months ago. he was 17...I have had a couple of bad nights filling out paper work for the A.G.'s office regarding loss of property, and writing a Victim's Impact's Statement..

I don't think i was really being scared by anything last night but this bruise with freckles on my right arm in perfect dots each side has different sizes but are identical on both sides.....

what do u think...if anything....do you thing this is or am i just dreaming...

has anyone had anything like this happen...

I should it to my mom and my step-father..i should it to them and just said...." what do this look like"? they were in different rooms and both said the same thing...it looks like an A.....

ahahahah

kathy

[maureenh]

Hi Kathy

Spooky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I believe our sons are always around us. I havent had that happen but do have auditory messages that I am sure are from Stuart. There are lots of examples of adc's (after death experiences) in a book that ??Ginger recommended I cant remember the name but I think the author was Guggenheim - it is mentioned in these posts a couple of months ago when we were talking about books.

Our loved ones are always with us and surrounding us with messages and love.

Thinking of you and all of you at BI going through the terrible pain of losing our children

Love and hugs Maureen

[katant]

It is freaky...but there is a something on my arm that was not there before...freckles with a little bruise and it's an A

i showed my mom and my stepdad...i just said..what does this look like...they both said and A ....

thanks....

kathy

[jjrmom]

Dear Katant.

I really do think your son is coming to you. I think it is is neat because he loved you alot. The night Jerrod passed away I was freezing I wrapped serval blankets around me and all of a sudden I felt a warmth he wrapped his arms around me. It was so comforting. I have never experinced that warmth like that before. If I am having a really bad day I will come across something of his that I had not been in my path before I feel it is way of telling me he loves me. Jerrod died the day before my bithday and I recently came across I cd he burnt for me on the outside of the cd case it said Happy Birthday Mom I love you Jerrod. Yes I have also had some scary dreams too. I don't sleep in the live room anymore.

[wadesmom]

I just finished reading the book- Hello from Heaven by Bill Guggenheim and Judy G. two days ago. So when I read your posts (Kathy and Maureen) I was aware of what you were talking about. So right now I have it in front of me- and on the inside cover- I'm only going to write a little about it- it says that the authors focus on the 12 major types of after-death communication people report, the messages they receive and the effects on the experiencers'lives(a couple are like the ones that you have both mentioned on your posts)They present persuasive evidence that ADC's are authentic contacts by deceased relatives, & friends and discuss some of the far - reaching implications of their research.

I'll not quote anymore from the inside of the book- cause I don't want to get into any trouble on this website- but as I mentioned earlier- I just finished reading it and it was very interesting to me.

This book was written in 1995 and I also know that they have a website: www.after-death.com Because I have also visited the website.

I know this information is insightful to some people and others are annoyed by it. But I was glad that I had the opportunity to read this book over the past week.

Our local library did not have it- but I got it thru the Inner library loan program at our local library. If you do not want to buy this book but are curious- check with your local library to see if they have ILL . Our library can usually come up with any books that I have inquired about and all the books that I have specifically requested have arrived within 2-4 days(they were not able to find one book for me.) If I like the book and would like to refer to it at a later time- then I purchase it thru amazon. But other wise I do not like to randomly purchase books on grieving due to the fact that I selected a few that did not really pertain to child loss but losses in general. (which was my own fault for not reading more about this book before ordering/purchasing it)But I am grateful that I can view /read most of the books suggested on this website and compassionate friends thru our local library. It's just a thought.

Let me know what you think of Hello from heaven, after you've read it, If you desire.

Thanks

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

My heart hurts for you and even though I don't know exactly how you feel I can relate to alot of your pain & discomfort. I have done the same thing numerous times- Why God? Why Wade? Why did this happen? What purpose does any of this serve? I just miss Wade so much and miss his daily presence and his zest for life. I think we're suppose to go with what we feel at the time Kathy- because if we don't, it will come back and kick us in the butt.

It sounds like you have alot on your plate and I can not imagine writing your victim impact statement for the drunk driver who killed your son,,,,I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you.

When I get extremely busy, it is on those days or evenings that I have complete meltdowns or I just collapse, I just feel really uncomfortable in my own skin, irritable and nothing seems right- cause I miss my boy.

I can always listen Kathy- just keep expressing yourself because I really believe that it helps somehow to write it down or share it with another person.

Sending comfort and support-

Take care

Wadesmom

[evsmom]

Dear Katant-How nice for you to have a sign, though I've had a couple of things happen,that I know it was my Ev saying, I'm with you Mom... Lately, I've been tested with something, possibly a sign, more disturbing than anything. I have a hard time talking about what happened to my sweet son, it has been almost five and a half months, it's still extremely difficult. It was a senseless, violent, unprovoked attack. Some unwanted boys came to his 17th birthday party as it was ending and they were cleaning up and well, one of the boys had a knife. He was caught a week later and has been locked up ever sense, which is odd here, usually they are out on bail, he is where he should be. Anyway, about a month ago, I was going to the cleaners and what should I see on the outside of the building, the accused's name spray painted graffiti style. Needless to say, I didn't stop, and almost didn't make it home, I was sobbing so much. I have seen it about nine times, all written the same way, within a thirty block area. I have been with other people as well, a girlfriend and I were leaving yoga and as were leaving, right across the street, there it was. So the way I have tried to reconcile this, is, I have to find some inner strength because, once we have to go to court, I have to be strong, and I can tell you, I don't feel strong at all. As one friend said, his name, which isn't overly common, is something I'm going to have to hear many times, so the name will have to become dirt to me. Currently I don't even like to say it, I just refer to him as the accused. We as grieving parents have to take whatever we can, and if having a sign brings even a moment of comfort, then, it's ours to have. With undertstanding and compassion, Diana

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost mother, father, pets, friends, children and many others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a humorous light can often be deep soul healers so we hope you will take the time to share in this safe environment.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF PET, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[evsmom]

Hi Katant-Yes, time seems to go on...It has been just over five months since my Ev was taken away. I know, days don't seem to matter. I'm so very angry myself, Ev's death was SO senseless, these horrible boys had NO reason at all, to do what they did, none. Ev was so well liked it was amazing, he just was always the type of boy to bring everyone together. The volume of people/kids that were through my home, was just overwhelming. There were over 1100 people at his service, and I can hardly remember it, thank goodness for my friends who put it togeter...I get that "your so strong"statement too, and like I say, if they only knew. But they can't know, not at all, unless they have been where we are. The forgiveness thing is something I choose not to acknowledge, I don't quite know why there is so much emphasis on it. I can see from someone's mental and physical well being, maybe, if your so consumed with anger and cannot overcome it, and it affects you in some adverse way. But I can tell you, the boys in our case, someone, someone, could have helped Ev, they chose not to, they likely have no remorse. I know one of the boys has not been charged as of yet, and I have heard he has been causing trouble lately, beating up a boy, threatening him, etc. basically just living his life. If I were to forgive, what do I get out of it? Anyway, you have to be the one that comes to terms with your specific situation. I think it's too soon for you to even think about, just think about what you have to do to cope and to try and find some sort of peace in your life. With understanding, Diana

[evsmom]

Dear Katant-As I fill out a Victim Impact Statement, I was thinking how I would like to preface it with a statement to the judge. Why does the victim have to fill it out? It's QUITE obvious how we feel, isn't it? I mean anyone with even a bit of compassion has to have some concept. So why don't we make the perpetrator write something and read it. Make them answer the question WHY? How do they feel, if anything? What are THEY going to do to make restitution? What sort of punishment do THEY think they deserve? Sorry it's just been a bad week, I, with others, have seen the name yet again...I don't like this life we have now, I really have to just hold on to the idea that our boys are with us, literally, in spirit, and I KNOW we will be with them again, never before did I have this strong of a belief, but now, well, it's what keeps me going everyday...Hugs to you, Kathy-Diana

[jjrmom]

Dear Katant,

The justice system does suck. Althrough we are thousand of miles apart I can relate to everything you are going through. It is hell. When we go to court we are the criminals take off your purses belts put it on the scanner and you walk through huge lines to be checked. While the creep that mowed Jerrod down was out on bail. One delay or another lies. Get people calling out of the blue pretending to be from the Da office wants to ask you how you feel and wants to come over to take picture. I am filled with angry next Friday I get to face the killer of Jerrod and say something. But there are guide lines to what I can say. Is that wonderful the court can tell you what you can say and not. But have no problem giving half a sentence for good behavior for the guy that killed Jerrod. The very sad part is what we say are write on are impact staterment doesn't make a different.Some say will at least it will bring a little closure instead of having to showup to court and having the delays. I miss Jerrod so much and miss seeing him play hockey he had the most beautiful smile and just so charming and bright the future was just starting then the drunk killed him. Now the guy is not longer the alleged drunk driver may he rot in jail.

[4everjoeysmom]

My prayers are with all of us moms today. Hugs and love, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone I am Kristen I lossed my Beautiful Daughter Ashley 19 to cancer

July 26, 2005. She would have been 21 on April 7, 2007. I have 3 other children

and a husband who I love so much. I am just not getting through this these days.

I sit and cry on and off most of the day. I feel lost without her. Ashley had

neurofibromatosis 1 , which is a genetic disorder that causes for the most, begnin tumors anywhere in the nervous system. She was always in good health except for an inoperable mass in her pelvis since she was 3. She began complaing the day before her HS Graduation of a pain in her side. That was when all went wrong. She was diagnosed with a malignant peripheral nerve sheath

neuro sarcoma, a cancer in the lining of her nerves as well as two large masses.

After,255 days inpatient at Sloan Kettering, chemo,rad,and multiple surgeries it spread everywhere and she passed at home 26 days later on hospice.Four days before she passed away she told me my Mother was ill. I said No Honey, she is fine. She was diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer on Aug 26th one month later.

She went on hopice within 3 months at my home and the same team came back. I lost my mother on Sept 28, 2006.

I just feel lost these days and I need to find people,friends who understand.

I miss them so much.

I am so sorry for everyone here who has been through this as well, as there

is nothing in life to compare.

Ashley's story is on her Foundation at ashleygraziano.com if anyone wants to read more.

I hope to find some peace somewhere as right now I do not.

I thank everyone who reads this in advance for your thoughts and compassion.

Kristen

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Kristen, I am Claudia and I lost my son Joey on July 31, 2006. He wasn't a teenager anymore--just one week from 24--but he was still my kid, in college, and I guess always my baby. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're right. Nothing compares. It's hard finding peace when such a huge part of who we are and a piece of us is taken away. No one expects to outlive their child, yet all of us here have, and it's devastating to say the least. I am almost at 10 months on this journey, and while I don;t cry every day or stay in my pajamas more than a couple of days a week, I still have many days (like today) where I am in tears all day long and nothing fits. I've found some peace through my faith, but I know I will never be the same person I was before Joey died. Everything has changed. And finding peace now means struggling to fit in this "new skin" that I hear others here talk about so often. I wonder some days if it will get any easier. I don't think it will--maybe just different. But I do have hope that the intensity of the pain will dull a little in time. For me the missing grows...and I just try to cope a step at a time, praying a lot, reading and writing as much as my motivation moves me, and keeping up with my younger son Patrick helps too. I am so sorry that on top of your daughter passing you also lost your mom. I can imagine how hard that must be, as my mom sometimes I feel is the only one in my family that isn't afraid to talk freely about Joey. Everyone else changes the subject very soon after his name is mentioned, and that makes it so much harder for me, because I need to talk about him and remember out loud. I'm with my husband, serving in missions in another country. Most of the time I feel very lonely--not quite lost, but very, very lonesome. I really have no outlet on a regular basis except to come here to BI, and that has been a godsend for me. Maybe it will help you too. I post on this thread, the loss of an adult child, and a few others. I have found that it really doesn;t matter how old or very young our kids are, we all suffer through the same stages of grief--some at different rates than others, and some of us go full circle around and around for a while. But it's good to have people understand and reach out to me, as well as it's good to post some words of support to others in need--very therapeutic for me sometimes. Please visit again and often, because there are people here who will listen, understand, and care very much how you feel. I'm so sorry you have to be here. I'm glad to have found BI, and I hope you will be too. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[maureenh]

Dear Kristen

Hello, I am sorry for the losses in your life of your beautiful daughter Ashley and then your mum so soon after. It is devastating to lose a child, but to have cumulative losses so close together is very very hard to cope with.

My 18 year old son Stuart died early December 2006 and I really dont know how I have coped so far. I thought I was doing really well but then I have days when the grief and tiredness just seems to come out of nowhere and clobber me and I am flattened again for a week or so. I have come to realise now it is all part of the grieving and however we are is how we are. But it is just so hard when "we expect" to be getting "better" - not that there is ever a better, but adapting I guess and then we are knocked for six again.

It was great of Claudia to talk about pyjama days, I think we all need to have pyjama days, in fact I think everyone needs them but us more than anyone. And Claudia is so right, there is never a right fit again, the edges dont quite match up, no matter how hard we try.

Kristen, I have found whatever works for me to give me some degree of peace and solace is good. My greatest allies have been journaling to my beautiful son, reading a lot about grief and spirituality, honoring his memory with photos and retelling of his essece/antics to friends (it is hard to find those who will just listen but seek them out)I also have a strong belief that he is with me and I will get through this nightmare. BI is also a wonderful forum to share with those who understand or just outpour some grief flow. Let the tears flow if they need to flow, painful, painful as they are, we are healing when we feel.

Love Maureen

[Kelly]

Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[Guest Guest]

my teenage step-daughter passed away a year ago. I am still feeling very lost. I've decided that one thing I can do to maybe give my life some meaning again is to try to make some good out of this tragedy. So I am going to try to write a book for grieving step-parents. I am not really a writer, but my idea is to find other step-parents who have lost a step-child, and combine our stories. When my step-daughter died, and for months afterwards, I got treated very differently, and felt very alone. After reading the ONE pamphlet I could find on grieving and being a step-parent, I realized that I was not alone. But that was all the help I got. I would like to contribute something to other step-parents who may feel lost and alone in their loss of a child. If any of you are step-parents, or know one... could you please get in touch with me? Thank you so much!!

spiritfild(at)hotmail(dot)com

[griffinsmom]

Griffin Allen Tobias Schwartz would be a 20 year old man today- if he wasn't killed in a crash where his friend lost control of the car going 83+ down the 2 lane dark residential tree-lined street.

Sorry for everyones loss- in my experience, it dosent get much better- and I still don't know how I can live without my Griffin. Will I still be baking him a cake in 20 years? That kind of thing just kills me. I really dont know how to do this and it has been 2 years and 5 months and 20 days. Hi to all- just thought Id pop in for Griffins B-day. Visit griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear GriffinsMom, I visited Griffin's site today in honor of his birthday and in honor for a hurting mother. I read something you wrote once, and it touched me deeply...

"so please, if it's not too much to ask, when you think of me, think of Griff, too. There will never be a time when we are not intertwined in this life and that- so if you think of him, think of me, too- here, missing him..."

I share your sentiments about my Joey. Thank you for touching my hurting heart GriffinsMom. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you celebrate today, and as you miss your sweet boy. God bless you! Hugs, Claudia

[wadesmom]

Kathy,

I haven't seen any recent posts from you lately- as I read your last post I know you are trying so hard and I understand why it's so mentally and physically exhausting to continue when we miss our boys so much and just want to be with them. Keep all those memories forever,,,,,,never missing one of Anthony's hockey games in 10 years, his smile, his hugs and his love close to you always,,,,,,, because no one can take the memories of our children away from us.

Take care

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

Maureen,

I just wanted you to know that I gained comfort from reading your post to Kristen, especially the last paragraph on finding whatever works for you that gives you some peace and solace.

Journaling to my son, reading numerous books on grieving, and honoring my sons memory have also been helpful for me too. And Staying in touch with all his friends continues to be a source of strength for our family.

Kristen, I'm sorry for the losses in your life, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wadesmom

[evsmom]

I just want to say how wonderful you all are, going through the worst thing we all could experience and many of you show such compassion and understanding. It was six months Saturday, May 19th, that we lost our precious Evan. There are times where it just hits me so hard, how could this have happened to my son, my son? It's surreal at times, I think, no it couldn't be, but then the tears just flow, no matter where I am, I think I have cried endless tears just sitting in parking lots, too immobolized to drive. I know remembering the positive memories that we created are helpful, knowing we should feel privileged to have had the time that we did with him, but emotionally I haven't accepted those beliefs just yet. Reading the posts here help me to realize I'm not crazy, to be so consumed with this is normal. That I'm not alone in this journey...Hugs to you all, Diana

[wadesmom]

Diana,

I know what you are talking about- remembering positive memories , knowing that we should feel priviledged to have had the time that we did with them, but emotionally not accepting it yet. Painful, painful as what this is,I think it's part of our journey- we question, wonder why, and wonder how could this have happened to our child??

I know I won't have any answers to those questions in my lifetime and I know while I am on earth I will never understand why. It has been 9 months since my sons accident and I still can not believe what has occured in our lives. Just like you mentioned- it's surreal.

Keep posting- I realize that it is often times too difficult or painful to post, yet I have also gained insight and support from the posts on this thread written by other BI parents who are on this journey because they truly understand.

Thanks for the hug,

Take care

Wadesmom

[wadesmom]

The end of April we presented our sons Memorial Scholarship at the High School honors banquet to the first recipient. My daughter presented it and my heart ached before, during and after this banquet,,,,,just like my heart aches every day.

My heart ached because I miss my son, because Wade's oldest sister presented this scholarship in memory of her brother to the first recipient, for the reason this scholarship was being presented- and the list goes on. Knowing that this gymnasium full of seniors/parents of seniors, are celebrating success and accomplishments, that the kids are moving on to college in August or moving into the next stage of their lives. I don't despise any of these kids, I guess I feel deprived of celebrating this rite of passage with my own son,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,. does that make sense? I managed to make it through the honors banquet and yet as the Graduation day approached none of the intensity subsided.

Wade was 15 years old when he died, I knew that he would graduate in three years with the class of 2009 along with his classmates-Why oh why did graduation this year hit so hard? It wasn't even his class/his classmates-several of the graduates were his friends- and we were sent grad. invitations and also invitations to their receptions/BBQ's etc,,, so for those of you who have traveled this road- please tell me is it this turbulent, and intense each year? I did not think it would hit me so hard this year, since it was not the year that WAde was to graduate,,, but I felt frozen, incapable of feeling much other then being ticked off.

Just wondering.

Wadesmom

[Guest Guest]

My son died five weeks ago and already I am barraged with the same experiences, sometimes just seeing an elderly man brings anger- why didn't graham live through all of the passages in life?? Graham died of sudden arrhythmia death while jogging in the morning, near home. nothing was abnormal about his heart, he had a problem with the electrical conduction system that makes the heart beat. We had no idea, and I am trapped between ongoing shock, grief and the lack of purpose. I somehow know that I can only hope to manage the constant experiences of pain and shock that will be my companions in the future. Meanwhile I am looking for a local support group where I can listen and talk with others, meanwhile I feel lost.

[wadesmom]

Guest,

I am so sorry that your precious son , Graham, died. My heart aches each time a new parent post on this board, yet I'm glad that you found the BI boards. You are in the midst of parents who understand what you are experiencing and they feel & share your pain because we are all taking this journey that no parent should ever have to take and we can relate. I gain insight by just reading the posts that others have submitted, and some days it seems "ok" to post.Do what works best for you- just take it one day at a time.

Be kind to yourself, do whatever it takes and know that we are always here - always.

Thinking and praying for you.

Take "gentle" care.

Wadesmom

[fujismum]

Guest Like everyone else here we are so aorry for your great loss and we too have experienced the overwhelming emotions of the shock and horror of those early days and weeks.We don't have any answers, just the desire to share with each other and support each other in the way that only other bereaved parents can.

Wadesmum, you are so right in what you say about so many of us reading these posts but not always able to join in with a response.I log in almost every day from the UK and feel a warmth from reading your journeys yet rarely send a post.Sometimes it's just not possible to put into words what we are going through.

It has been 9 months since we lost 17 year old Jamie in a terrible car crash.I still find it hard to accept that this is forever and my once happy life in now in shreds.

Claudia I want you to know that your faithfulness in writing on this site is such a help to many of us and not just those you respond to in person.You show such courage, dignity and faith in your loss and it has helped me often in my own sorrow when my faith seem to slip from my grasp and doubts set in

[maureenh]

Guest

I am so so sorry for the sudden loss of your precious son, it is such a tragic and debilitating loss. You are in shock and how you are is ok at the moment. You will feel lost for many months to come yet.

We are here at BI to help, we know what it is like and have walked your road before you.

I live in Australia, some in Uk, many in USA, where are you from and maybe we can connect you with someone close geographically.

Either way, you are not alone, we are here for you

My prayers and love to you at such a very difficult time

Maureen

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Fujismum, I just want to say thank you for your kind words and encouragement to me. I have my moments, but I have to say that as a Christian walking by faith in what is not seen and trusting in God's promises and what is written in the Word of the Bible, I have found tremendous comfort and strength. It is TRUE! The Lord does walk with us and help us to heal and see a brighter future in the Hope He has promised. I can say this because I am a living example of this. But it is a choice. We can let the circumstances of our life and loss cripple us, or we can allow God to enter into our lives and help us through the pain and touch others' lives in a profoundly positive way--speaking blessings into the lives of others instead of curses. Most of you know I am a missionary living and working far from home in South America. And it's hard being far from home and all that is familiar. But in trusting God and allowing Him to use me as a tool to share His love and the Hope in His Promise of eternal life and joy in Christ and Heaven, and seeing our beloved lost again in the most glorious reunion that will never end, I AM finding healing, peace, comfort, and even joy. Over the past couple of days we have been working with a group of short term missionaries visiting us from the States. And over these past couple of days I have been actively ministering to families, mother, teens, and people in their very early 20's as the group presents special gifts to each family member. First of all, showing love and mercy, and tender care to the poor in itself is phenominal. But to be able to share my testimony--Joey's legacy and his unexpected tragic end here in this life--the young people and the mothers are profoundly touched. I am able to, by the grace of God through His help and strength, minister to these people and share my hope and joy in knowing without a doubt that God is our refuge and our strength in time of need. He waits for us to invite Him into relationship with Him. And in that we can know that no matter what happens in this life, it is not permanent. There is something greater and more permanent beyond this life. And though it is extremely difficult, we can cling to knowing that and to the help that God is so ready and able to give us if we just let Him. I don't care anymore if people think I'm a whack job or a religious kook because I gave up everything earthly to follow after His purpose for my life. After experiencing what I have witnessed and knowing personally how my life has been rescued and shaped into something that can bring honor to God and honor to Joey's life and legacy, I am living proof that a horrible circumstance can be turned around to not only shape me into a strong vessel but how much more this circumstance can be turned into something so profoundly powerful to help others---well, that's just more than I ever could have hoped and prayed for. I am not walking with bitterness or feeling crippled to the point of wanting to give up and die. I just want to help others, especially the youth of this world realize that our tomorrows are not guranteed, no matter how old or young we are, and we have an opportunity to receive an eternal gift of God's grace which is life ever lasting. And I can't think of a better hope or a better medicine, or a better way to live out the rset of my days than to cling to that hope and to share it with everyone I can. Joey may have passed away from this life. But his story lives and breathes and is touching many, many, many lives not just for today but for eternity. So, I do pray for all of us here at BI, that we can climb out of the crippling bitterness and despair; the shock and horror and pain of it all. It isn't easy, but we have a Helper standing by that can show us how to turn all of this horribly devastating pain into something that can bring honor and dignity and profound change for the best to others, and healing and even joy to us that are hurting in the process. I pray we can all find the strength and the dignity to carry on, and when people think about us and our tragedies, they don;t immediately think of a biterly unforgiving and cold heart. They think of our beautiful children, and how very, very special they must be that even having departed from this world, they live on through us and continue to make their mark on this world. God knows this world was a bettre place while they were here. So my goal is to comtinue to keep that better place alive because Joey was here, and he mattered not only to me but to everyone that knew him and everyone who will ever hear his name, because in hearing his name, thay also hear the name of Jesus who waits with Joey for me and for everyone who desires to reunite forever. Hope that made sense. I'm a bit wiped out from all of the traveling about over the past few days. but I am excited about what God is doing and just wanted to share, because we can all make that decision to leave the bad behind and build upon the legacy of love and presence our children started from the day our love conceived them. God bless us all, each one, and bring us comfort, peace and healing. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[tomsmom]

Hi....I have posted in the past but have not been on in awhile. My son Tom was murdered ( stabbed to death) one year ago, almost to the day. He was 18 years old and days away from graduation. He is missed more than I can say. He was big, bright and full of life. He was the funniest person I know. We also have not been to trial yet. Thank God the killer is in jail but having the trial around the corner is sometimes more than I can stand. Seeing the person who took his life walk into the court room and smile at his mother makes me go crazy. Only in my memory, dreams and pictures can I see Tom smile. Sometimes the only thing that gives me peace is seeing a meduim and hearing from Tom that he is fine and wants me to do the best I can. So every day I get up and try and make him proud of the mother I am still to him and to his younger brothers. Peace to all of you who know this pain. It is good to have people who understand to talk to that is for sure.

[evsmom]

Hello Tomsmom-I have not posted many times myself, though, I do read the posts often. I find it difficult most times. I lost my sweet son Ev in the same way you did, June 19th will be seven months. It was two days after his seventeenth birthday, the night of his party. It was an extremely senseless, vile act, kids who were not invited...they were cleaning the hall and apparently these boys wouldn't leave. Ev was so well liked and so friendly, I honestly cannot imagine what these horrible boys were thinking...Anyway, I still cannot talk too much about it. The accused is locked up, however, because the legal system is ridiculous here in Canada, he could be out if his lawyer applied for a bail hearing, but he hasn't which is fine by us. The other boys are not charged as of yet, I was told, here in Canada (I'm American) someone can witness a crime, do nothing, but not be charged and even though there were a number of witnesses, not all of the details are the same, which could cause problems. Our preliminary hearing isn't until the end of October, so we may not go to court until next year. It's so hard, we try and cope as well as we can, and then court just makes one feel victimized all over again, brings about the intensity of the pain again...I too am trying to locate a medium, hopefully to give me a bit of comfort as well, I also have to hold on to the idea that Ev is with me, I'm sure Tom his very proud of you, just for being able to continue being a loving mom to your other boys...This journey can be a very lonely one and yes, it is good to know there are those who will understand and listen. I also have my personal e-mail on my profile if ever want to communicate that way as well. Peace to you, Diana, Evan's mom

[jjrmom]

Sat June 2 is my son Jerrod's birthay and feeling so down WOndering what ifs? I just wish he was home. The man that killed him got sentenced to 10 years. on May 18th. and will actually serve 5. The court systems is a joke. I just barely hanging on. I hate drunk drivers.