Loss of a Teenager

[marksmom]

Joshsmom, I am so sorry that your school has reacted the way you described. I am sorry to say unfortunately there are people out there that just (DON"T GET IT). I am sorry that people are so unsympathetic and have no understanding to what life is an how things work. It doesn't matter how your son died you lost a child and a young boy lost his life because he made a error in judgement. I would like to see the person who has never done that!! The real tragedy is most teens do not have to pay for a mistake with there life.

Sue, I would never ever let the school get away with that. YES. right now you are not in a position to do alot about it you have enough to deal with. BUT some day down the road when you are stronger you should write them if you can and let them have it, give them the details!! Tell them for even an instant to imagine where you are at and how you feel. As if dealing with the loss of a child isn't enough you have to deal with these idiots. BUT its okay as I to have had to deal with some very uncaring people and I intend when I am stronger to let them know. Our school was good they did a "Celebration of Life for Mark". BUT our local police have been apauling, and the local newspaper might as well tell you they don't care about you or your family they care about selling newspapers. They printed 4 stories about our sons accident NONE of which told the truth. The police return our calls when they get around to it they are still investigating, we have waited for a return call for six weeks.

OH, this stuff gets to me. Sorry I got carried away. I sincerely hope that you don't let the school get you down, and it sounds like your sons friends will handle things. BUT should you ever want to write some letters I would be willing to help. Who knows maybe you will change things at the school for the next parent maybe I will change the newspapers outlook on how they report events like these. Till then hang in there and ignore people who just "DON'T GET IT". bye Roxy.

[mjsmom]

Hi to all who visit,

This is my first time ever doing this. Tomorrow is my eldest child and only son, Michael's 2nd death anniversary. Michael died in an accident. I am feeling sad, cheated for him and for my 6 year daughter Chanel and I. I have heard other people say the build up to the anniversary is usually worse than the date. That may be true, but I felt just awful on his first anniversary. Thinking about everything that happened that last morning. Michael died at 11:40 a.m. I decided last year that I would go to his crash site every year on his anniversary at the time he died. Last year all kinds of his friends, family came. I didn't plan in that way, it just evolved. It was nice to see how many people still remembered and really cared. That hasn't happened this year. Harldly anyone has asked what I was doing on his annivsary. Last year there was approximately 40 people. This year I am lucky if there are 10.

As a bereaved mom my biggest concern (as I'm sure you all agree) is that Michael will be forgotten. Our children's memory is all we have now. The rest of the so called normal world just goes on and I am standing alone here saying hey world do you remember my beautiful, witty, kind and loving son Michael.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How do you deal with it? It would hurt Michael so to know that people don't care. Everything I do, I think what would Michael want me to do. I visit his grave 2X's every single day. I know even to you all that sounds crazy, but it's what Michael would want. I start each day with him and end each day with him. I am not a religious person, that is why his grave is so significant to me. I gave birth to the bones that lay there. That's as close as I can get to him. I know I am rambling, sorry just wanted touch base with the only people in the world who feel and know so of what I feel. Take care all!

[ribitsmom]

MJSMOM: OH MY GOD, do I know what you are talking about. I am so afraid that people will forget Bridgette that I have tried to come up with ideas to keep her on everyones mind. I want a popular singer to write a song about her, I want an auther to write a book about her, I want to start a clothing line with her name on it, I want our plates on the car to have her name on them, I want to get a tatoo, I want everyone to get a tatoo. Does this kind of match your feelings?

The site of the accident was decorated from all the kids and stayed that way until Aug 1st this year (almost 2 years). Now they just did construction at the site of the accident and everything is gone. It breaks my heart.

Someone put a notebook up at the cemetary in a rubbermaid container for people to put thoughts and feelings in. I read this notebook constantly. But lately I have been very concerned as one of the teenage girls that writes in this book has been writing disturbing things...I am afraid for her safety. She is writing things like wanting to be with Bridgette, her life is awful...many things on that order. So, today I am having lunch with the girl I think is writing these things (she signs Ashley, but there are about 20 Ashley's that write in the notebook). I am not sure if it is an "attention getter" or very serious, but I can't over look it. I don't want to step on other parents toes, but I can only hope that someone would step in to be a listener/advisor to my son if he needs it and can't talk to me.

BTW, does anyone else have a problem going to the grocery store after they lost their child? It is almost 2 years and I send my son to the store, I always buy things that Bridgette would eat and no one else and it rips me apart. But what it has done is make me feel guilt for sending my son, he doesn't seem to mind...but isn't that the moms job?

[titoyginasmom]

Ribitsmom, and MJSMom....oh boy do I feel like you two at times! I actually DID get a tattoo on my left shoulder. It is a Sacred Heart with a rose above it, and a banner that says "In Loving Memory." My family was deeply against it at first, then mad vecause I didn't put the kids' names on it. I know this will sound really dumb but I did NOT want my children's names on my back! My daughter wants one similar to mine that will also have like angel's wings on the sides of the heart. Her's will have her brother and sister's names in the feathers of the wings.

Recently I have been spending a lot of time with my daughter's best friend. I knew her mother had died when she was about 10 years old, but never knew much else. The odd things are we were/are both named Kathie, both have red hair, and an extremely warped sense of humor. The girl told me recently that when my kids died she prayed that HER mother could be there for them.....as she has me here. I was floored! I hadn't realized how much this young girl looked to me for comfort. She and my Krystal are both 17 now, and have known each other since they were about 12 years old. So I have spent a lot of time with her. I have always had an "open door" policy for my kids' friends so never thought much of her wanting to be around. I guess what I am getting at is that she helped ME by telling me that I had helped her. Does that make sense?

Kathie....forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[Artina]

Marksmom,

I am touched by your story. I am sure that Mark's birthday was very painful. I know our first one was. I believe that when we lose a child every experience is like a new one. It's like we are reborn into a whole new world, where everything we understood no longer makes since. Our vision of the world is changed by our pain and our new understanding of life after death.

It does makes since that you need more evidence from Mark, before you will accept the messages of the lady in the church. However, you know as well as me, that you will never have the concrete evidence that you need- that will have to wait. But, what if you take just that "little" bit of evidence and hang onto to it and ask yourself- "what if" that was my son's Spirit communicating to that lady in the church. "What if" he was able to communicate to her, because she was open to the messages and was willing to share those messages with your family. What does it hurt? Nothing. It might even bring you some peace- and you deserve that. I believe that you have to at least consider it... It sounds like your day was difficlut and that your son was with you the whole day. Does that sound like something Mark would do?

Please know that we care and understand your pain.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

MJSMOM,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Michael. Is your son's full name Michael Joshua? I have a living son with that name. I feel a connection with you. I understand why you go out to your son's graveside. I had my son cremated and his ashes are in my home. I try to light a candle every night in memory of him. We do what we can to keep our feet on the floor.

I do worry that people will forget my son. Infact, I know that on a day to day basis- they do. It is true that our grief is worsened by the reality of our loss- which is ours and ours alone. Of course- we love our children like no body else could love them. Therefor, we hurt like nobody else hurts. There is a logical order to things... and logically I understand that I will forever miss and love my son and other's will go on with their lives. That HURTS! But, I understand that it's not personal... I know that the only people in the world that truely understand my pain... are right here on this website.

Please know that we care and we support each other the best we can.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Ribitsmom,

I do have a hard time going to the grocery store- but not because of his favorite food. I have a hard time, because I run into too many people who want to have casual conversation about the loss of my son. It's just not the time or the place to talk about how I'm feeling... I now choose to go to a town 15 minutes away to do my grocery shopping. That seems so strange when I write it. Oh well- it's easier for me.

I don't think it's a mom's job to do the shopping, if your son doesn't mind. There is no "right" way to look at it. However, it is important that you get out some, it makes the dark walls look less dark (not all the time- only when you feel strong). This is just something that works for me... do what works for you though.

Peace to you, Tina

[marksmom]

Hello to All,

Kathie I just wanted to say I know how you felt knowing you helped your daughters friend. I have kept on working with teens after our Mark died and I know many may wonder HOW? But the answer is exactly how you felt, right now I feel like my whole world is falling in on me and I don't seem to do anything right. EXCEPT when it comes to my work although I am sure I have changed I still like helping other families. I work with teens and their families and try to put them back together again, for some reason it gives me pleasure to know I can still do something even if I cannot seem to help myself alot.

I do really believe that the more we can help others the better off we will all be. I also think I do know how to help them so I should and maybe someone else out there will know how to help me and my family. It usually works into a win win situation. If I were you I would keep seeing this young girl it sounds like it might be meant to be if you know what I mean. Take care, Roxy.

[marksmom]

Just Curious......is it just me or did I all of a sudden get a whole lot worse in my grief? I am at the 5 month date and I swear I hurt way more now than I did before. I feel like just dying, if I could I would hide in my room and not come out. Even my work which I have always loved somehow feels just to hard right now if someone said I would take that from you I would let them which is not like me.

My husband said that I don't really even want to cook anymore? Which he is right I don't even want to eat mostof the time so to me cooking is just something we have to do to survive so I just say grab a sandwich or something.

My energy has got up and left me completely. Maybe it has been Marks birthday our anniversary I don't know I just know I feel like I am sitting at the bottom of the barrel. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I also really feel sorry for our other two sons as they are slowly watching us fall apart. I am not even sure if my husband and I will be together, as we seem to be a million miles apart. My husband has always been moody and I have accepted it for all these years and NOW I just can't stand it. I am angry and I don't understand why he is making things harder for us by being cranky.

Maybe I am losing it, I can't seem to figure anything out. This grief and saddness is just swallowing me up. I really want some time by myself to just think for what I am not sure but I have such a craving to go away alone somewhere. Well thanks for listening again to me rant. I think if Mark could say something to me he would tell me there is nothing I can do just accept it. Then again he knows how horrible I am with death and dying so he may tell me to go easy on myself and do whatever I need to in order to make it through this. Take care bye for now, Roxy.

[Artina]

Marksmom,

I think that grief is exactly what you are describing. It's not your family... it's just that you all hurt at the same time. How does one help the other, when they can't even help themsleves. This is the biggest struggle.

Something that helped me through the period that you are going through is to stay within myself and to acknowledge that there wasn't something else wrong within my family, but within my heart. I know that this is hard, because you could really use your husband's support right now... but one thing at a time. He too is struggling, and if he was cranky before your son crossed over, then he knows nothing else. I guess what I am trying to say is, you may need to get the help you need first and let it lead you to the next step. I know that this sounds redundant, but one step at a time. You first (for right now). Tell your family that you need to take care of yourself first (for right now). Let them know that it won't last forever, but you have to take a break from the day to day "mom" and "wife" routine. Your not going anywhere... you just need a different routine that will support your grief.

I hope that I have not said anything to offend you, I'm just sharing what has worked for me. We should all do what works for us and if this doesn't work for you, than you shouldn't do it. I want what's best for each one of us.

Peace to you, Tina

[marksmom]

Hi Tina,

THanks for the advice and input, I believe you are right however getting my family to understand my feelings right now is like pulling teeth. I have heard that families pull together however mine is not. We have always had a good relationship with our boys, that is until now. IT seems like neither of my sons can even hear me they are very wrapped up in what is with them (understandably). My husband is not understanding at all. NONE of them will read things I have left lying around that might help, knowone watched a video the hospital gave me. None of them want to go to councelling, they say how in the world can that help. My husband does think the boys should go but they just say why do we have to if dad doesn't?

I don't know I have told them I need some time to myself and they agree but when I start talking about going away for a few days or a week by myself everyone gives several reasons why now is not a good time.

My whole life has been my husband, kids, and work after that somewhere is me. Right now I feel angry I need time to myself and I want it, but I also don't want to cause more problems then we already have. I have got to do some thinking as someone told me if I don't take care of myself right now it will be hard for me to take care of my family......

I thank you for your support I know everyone is going through there own grief right now, take care bye roxy.

[ribitsmom]

Marksmom-The 5 month, 6 month, and so on...for me anyway, all have moments of awful pain, the numbness, if you will, is waring off. What I have found is that those moments become fewer and farther between, but I still, at almost 2 years, have the moments. Sometimes they last a day, sometimes a week. Fall, I find is very difficult for me. It is the anniversary of the accident, 3 days later our wedding anniversary (which we find no joy in any longer)my daughter Bridgettes birthday, and all the wonderful holidays that we don't want to participate in anylonger.

A suggestion for keeping the family together that has worked for us, and I really don't know if we are doing it right or not, but it seems to help; maybe take mini family vacations, a family get away. It gives you something to get your mind onto, something other than grief. The hurt follows you wherever you are but the time as a family away from home and pain allows you to find short periods of relief. Time to bond as a family, instead of argue. Reality will have to set in at some point but if you can make life easier and keep the family together, do what works. The worst thing about all of this (feeling like it is falling apart) is that you need eachother more now than you ever have before. You hurt the ones closest to you when you are hurting, never intentionally, but it happens all the same. If you can recognize it when it happens you can correct it. I said some very awful things directly after the accident to my husband...and immediately tried to call them back and the worst part about it is that once it is out of your mouth it is too late. Even though you don't mean it. We each grieve in different ways and (this is asking a lot, because it is so difficult to do)we need to allow each one to do there thing...but maybe help them along by pointing out that anger towards eachother won't help, only hurt.

If a 2, 3, or 7 days away will help you, then explain to your family that you need this for you, you want to be able to lock yourself in a room and cry for a day or two. This may be bad advise...but I think you should. I never did, I kept trying to keep the stiff spine and now I have too many issues to name from stress.

As for the cooking, cleaning, whatever, feeling like you don't even want to move, that is grief also. Depression. Maybe force yourself to take a walk or work in the yard. Anything that is physical which will help stomp down the "depression".

This is all just my opinion, I am not a doctor...just lived through loss also, weather I wanted to or not.

Denise

[titoyginasmom]

Roxy, thank you for your comments on my daughter's friend. I plan to "allow" her to be here whenever she feels the need.

As to the time issue, all I can say from my experience (10 months 22 days) is that it never really SEEMED real until about the six month point. I know that sounds dumb, but that was when I cracked. I am in counseling now, and my daughter starts today. My surviving son has been in since January when he couldn't face dealing with Gina's birthday..becoming suicidal. My husband on the other hand..well let's just say he will support US going to a counselor, but refuses to see the need in himself. On this same topic here is something I found:

Symptoms of Depression which are also "normal" aspects of Grief:

withdrawal; decreased energy; dependency; saddness; shame; lack of concentration; lack of concern for self; inability to enjoy usual activities; feelings of meaninglessness; decreased sexual drive; feelings of hopelessness; feelings of abandonment; feelings of being out of control; apathy; regression; loneliness; ambivalence; disorganization; and/or somatic problems.

This also says that "If the deceased shild died in an accident, the parents tend now to protect the remaining child often placing impossible restrictions on their activity. The siblings often go through survivor's guilt, don't know how they can live up to the idolized status of the deceased sibling."

Actually that is only part of the article! The whole thing really helped me since I found it at a time when I was at my lowest. Perhaps some of that will help you?

Peace!

Kathie.........forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[sarasmom]

Well tomorrow in my corner of the world school starts. My Sara would have been a Junior this year. Did this actually happen??? I cannot believe that my daughter is dead. We should of been busy these past couple of weeks going school shopping. Tomorrow will be a bad, bad day for me.

Jo

[kirksdad]

Starting school takes on such a new meaning after the death of a child. Kirk died just 2 weeks before he was to start his junior year and since we teach we immediately had to go back and face so much that was such a huge part of his life. I still to this day going through my papers at school find things that he did in my classroom. Watching his friends continue on with their lives was very hard, but it has become a lot easier here in the last couple of years since they graduated.

I guess facing everyday life, watching friends and peers continue on, knowing what not only our kids are missing, but what we are missing is just overwhelming. Now, for me, it isn't so hard, school has now become school and not a million memories. There still are some very special ones, but those help me now, not hurt.

The starting of school can be a very hard time for parents after this type of loss for many years. We do make it through it though, and I hate always sounding like a broken record, but we make it in our own time, in our own way. There is a light, be it ever so dim, at the end of even this tunnel. As the years go by, I know that light will keep getting brighter.

[Artina]

Denise,

I echo exactly what you have advised...

Jim,

I agree, the light at the end of the tunnel does shine- even if it is dim.

TitoGinasMom,

You are an amazing person! Amazing...

Sarasmom,

My heart understands exactly what you are talking about.

Peace to all of us, Tina

[daleandbetty]

A couple of more hours until our son's birthday. It's going to be real tough on my wife. We just had my daughter's birthday and the day went by without us even realizing it. We had bought her a motorcycle as an early birthday present two days before Travis was killed on his motorcycle. This past weekend my older son and two nephews raced their motorcyles for the first time since the accident. They placed 1st, 2nd and 4th Travis would have placed 3rd. The boys were always together on their bikes. My wife and I talked about how unfair it was that Travis had to die before he had a chance to do the thing he wanted to most in life, race. It would have been his first official race before a crowd. His school is planning on a memorial service when school starts back. I really wish that we could just forget the whole thing but I know how important it is for the rest of his friends too. We have been receiving letters and cards from his teachers and my daughter's teacher offering help.

We have a dog and a cat and they always spent part of each night with Travis in his bed, now they just roam the house at night and run to the window everytime a car comes in our driveway. We gave his pet calf to our neighbours so they could look after it for us. My wife is also mentioning how she has changed her habits for buying groceries. Travis was the only one who drank much milk, she keeps bigging too much of it and it spoils. It's the little things that make it hard, Travis was always the one to help around home now we have to do it ourselves. My son has to ask his sister to go out and help him do the things Travis would have done with him.

The police won't help us out by letting us know what is happening with the investigation. We have to see the kids parents and relatives every day. They want to talk to us and discuss what happened. What is there to discuss, their son had a few beers, he drove 80 plus miles per hour in his car and hit my son as he crossed the road in front of our house on his minibike, he flew almost 300 feet and was killed instantly? Do they think talking with them or him will help, I will likely kill him with my bare hands in front of them.

We are planning on a trip to Florida that we were going to take with the kids. My wife says she will feel guilty if we go, I say if we don't go then Travis would be disapointed too.

[Artina]

DaleandBetty,

I am so sorry for your loss. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and your family as you approach Travis' Birthday. These days are difficult on the whole family. Please know that we care and offer our support in anyway that we can.

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

The grocery store, the opening of the school year, the six month freak out, the symptoms of depression, the deep sorrow and longing- being forgotten-friends dropping off....I havent visited in a while, and everything you all are saying, I am saying too. Even the medium experience and then not being able to fully believe the concept of the "new relationship"- the grief-the time moving on, people living their lives despite (my)horrification-so, who has the answer? I logged Griffins page address in the new forum...HINT)

[marksmom]

Hi To All,

Well once again I am up at 3am, so I thought I would check out the site. I was glad for the advice and support. Kathie the information you quoted was that out of a book or a article, is there more I can read or was that all? Sorry if I misunderstood lately I seem to (not get anything). Denise its so wierd as I was reading your post I was thinking thats exactly what I would think, yet I didn't come up with it. IT is like my brain is numb in some areas since our son passed away, the unfortunate thing is my heart is not numb and hurts like heck as I know you are all aware.

I truthfully wish there was a quick fix for this pain, but as long as I cannot have my child back the fix will never come. I do hope as some have said the light at the end of the tunnel will get a bit lighter as we go, right now though I can only see black.

I so wish that my family would pull together as we need to. THe really wierd part is we have always been a close family nothing has ever been to hard to discuss we have been very open. THere has been very little if anything that our boys haven't felt they could discuss. THEN all of a sudden that day came and its like all of us just broke and we can't seem to get ourselves back on track. I also feel like we are alone our friends and family just don't seem to understand the only place I feel understood is here and although I am so thankful to all of you and everyone has been so nice, I think what is wrong with the people that are supposed to love and care for us?? I recieved a call from my sister angry that I did not call her back the other day my brother said hey you know you got to get yourself together you can't stay like this??

THose are a few comments to name a few, I just so wish they could see a glimpse of what life has been like the past 5 months.

Anyway I very deeply appreciate the support and advice i hope I can give some of you the same back, I guess each of us are learning as we go along the way. We all are on the journey just in different places and we all have to go through the same hurt we just may react a bit different and find comfort in different ways. take care bye Roxy.

[marksmom]

Hello Dale and Betty,

I just wanted to say I am sorry about the loss of your son, our family has just gone through our son Marks birthday last week and it was very difficult to say the least. Please know your not alone and I will be thinking of you.

bye roxy.

[joshsmom]

Hi!

I finally decided, with the help of the links given to me on here for internet sites and things, and Sunday afternoon we were able to place Josh's stone at the cemetary! I spent almost 3 hours there, redecorating the place and rearranging all the items that have been placed there over the last 14 months! It really made me feel better once it was all done and while I was there, 4 of Josh's friends drove in and helped me!

August 30th will be his 18th birthday, I want to have a get-together there and release 18 balloons for him. I can't imagine doing it there, but I guess it will be OK!

Mark's Mom,

I remember so much of what you talk about with your family, the months right after Josh died. My husband too, has always been on the cranky side and this really just was his breaking point! He would drink and then go and drive over to the house where these people live and sit there. Sometimes they would call the police and they would come and bring him home. Once they even threatened to but him into the County Mental health center, (I think, just to scare him so he would stop going over there), but it was hell on me and my older son! He would call our older son too and tell him to come wherever he was and then my son would go there and try and talk to him and they would end up argueing! My husband thought because we weren't doing what he was doing, that we didn't care about what happened!

Thank God, after 14 months now, things are alot better! I have tried really hard to always show both of them any signs or things that happened, to prove that Josh is still around us! I too talked to a Medium and my husband listened to the tape, this really helped him to realize that Josh is not just dead in the ground, but his spirit is still around us! The medium told me that Josh was worried because his Dad wanted to be with him, and have him back.....I think hearing that on the tape really sent a message through to my husband! It's not his time yet and we still have things to accomplish here, I guess! But I wont skrew up, I want to be able to meet my son again, the day I am called!!!

I just think that guys have a harder time seeing death as, not an end! I really focus on showing them that!!

My older son still hasn't quite gotten there, and he sometimes acts like he thinks I've lost it, but the Medium had important masseages from Josh to him also!! She said that Josh is his guardian angel and that he is with him alot! Wehn I told my son this, he smiled!!!! That meant the world to me!!!

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that you and your family are not going through this alone!!!! Mark is there with you!!!!! Try and get them to see this! It may help them to get past the anger alittle!!!!

Hugs to you and your family!!!!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[hannahrosesmom]

I am in the midst of a HUGE anxiety attack. I just found out that my husband, who has been unemployed since Hannah died 10 months 8days ago, and who finally started a job on the 15th of this month, hasn't been going. There are large sums of money that he has taken out but won't say what or where it went. I asked him about the money issues last week but just found out about the job thing this morning. I am at work trying to concentrate on my job but finding it hard to breathe and in such a state of panic that I cannot describe it. I was just finally beginning to think that he was coming back to reality, finally being loving and supportive after all these months of his anger, accusations, weeklong/daylong siapearances, sleeping for days on end, putting me through more hell on top of trying to deal with Hannah's death. I'm so stressed and so, I don't know, I just can't deal with this. help please..........

[hannahrosesmom]

I feel like such a fool. These past few weeks hubby has been so changed that I thought we might make it. I was actually having some hope that after all this grief and pain that there might be some peace in the house. I feel sick to my stomach. How could he paly with my emotional state like this? It's almost the one year anniversary of Hannah's death and I have been horrible sad. Last Wednesday the monument company that made Hannah's headstone was cold enough to drop me an email that it was set instead of calling me a couple days ahead of time as instructed. I was an emotional train wreck at work the rest of the afternoon. I thought I would feel better with it in place but have felt worse. Haven't been able to keep the tears in check. I guess seeing it in place brings home the cold harsh reality that she's really gone, I know that but I guess there was still a bit of denial going on. I don't understand how this can all be happening? I don't know how many more days I can stand going home and she's not there with her wonderful smile and silly giggles. There is so little that brings any "happiness" into my life anymore; my son, my sister, and our pets. I do everything at home, apy the bills, housework, dishes (he won't fix my dishwasher, laundry (he leaves his dirty clothes wherever he takes them off), he won't even take the garbage out or mow the lawn. I'm too overwhelmed with all this. My son can't stand to be home he's so angry and disgusted with his father. The last couple weeks I was beginning to see improvement in hubby and now I've discovered I've been played the fool. I don't know what to do.........

[titoyginasmom]

Happy Birthday Travis!!! Enjoy your peace, but please take the time to comfort your family today.

Kathie.........forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[titoyginasmom]

Hannahrosesmom....I can only tell you I feel for you. I have no real advice on this subject. My husband has become even more of a work-a-holic since the kids died. It is like he is trying to escape the pain or something. I suggest that you ask him directly where the money went, and why he hasn't been at work. Also think of taking him off your account....or open a new one. This way you KNOW you will have the money to still pay bills etc. I wish I could help more.

Kathie......forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[titoyginasmom]

Artina...I am not sure why you think I am amazing, but thank you. You made me smile today.

Roxy (Marksmom), the stuff I posted is from an article I found on a website. The webbie is

http://www.trimblefuneralhomes.com

The name of the article is:

Grief Support Library: Depression After Loss Of A Child by Jim Balthazor and Cindy Dix

I hope this will help you like it did me. On another note, yesterday I had a sort of breakdown while seeing my counselor. He says this is normal. I finally admitted (out loud and verbally) that my kids will NEVER be coming back. Then I started crying like crazy. I mean I knew it, had thought it, posted about it, but just had never SAID it. I slept for the first time in weeks without a sleep aid last night. Odd isn't it?

Kathie....forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

All the things that you mentioned are very diffiult to do, but even more difficult if you don't have a strong support group around you. I am very concerned about you. My thoughts float to you often. Do you have a support group, besides Beyond Indigo? I think it would be helpful to you. I know that you hurt and feel hopeless- I have those days too- just not as often as I did. Some tools that have helped me are talking to friends or support groups. It helps in a way that I can't put into words. Maybe it's the exchange of energy between "real" people or getting out of the four walls that hold our pain. I don't know the answers, but getting out does help. Oh how I wish I could meet you for an espresso and sit with you while you talk, cry, and hopefully smile. e-mail me if you want to talk more personal to a friend- uwaygc@atnet.net.

Thinking of you, Tina

[Artina]

Marksmom,

I know exactly what you mean about your brain being numb. I think mine is too, because I am preoccupied with the loss of my/our children. Hey... we are doing pretty darn good though- if you ask me. One could say that at least we put our feet on the floor every morning- right? What more could anybody want from a parent who has lost their child. You are doing exactly what you can and that is great for now.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Joshsmom-Sue,

I just want to say Happy Birthday to Josh- we share the same Birthday. Please know that I will be thinking about your family as you approach August 30th- Josh's Birthday. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Your support to this group is so helpful. Thank you for sharing Josh's Birthday with us and may you all be surrounded with a blanket of love.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Hannahrosesmom,

Oh my dear friend... you are not a fool. No way. You are a loving mother who wants nothing more than to believe that her family is going to make it through the loss of your Hannah. Your husband may have just hit bottem and it may be time to make him emotionally accountable. Please know that you are not alone and you are a good person who deserves some help... ask for it (friends, church, support group). Your family is made up of good people who have been hurt and don't know what to do next. Let somebody help you guys.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Kathie,

I know exactly what you mean about knowing your children are gone... and "KNOWING" that your children are gone. You are amazing, because you take every painful step instead of staying in bed... one after the other- and you offer support. You are amazing. Your children would be so proud of you.

Peace to you, Tina

[begalli]

To the member of this message board,

This message board is filled with so much love and understanding. I want to THANK each and every single one of you from the depths of my soul for helping me understand what this unthinkable loss is like for my sister in-law, my brother and their 13 year old son. They lost their 16 year old son/brother in an accident 54 days ago. The descriptions of the excrutiating pain is exactly what I hear from my dear sweet sister in-law who I feel privileged to be able to lend an ear and a shoulder to. You all have NO IDEA how much you help in sharing your own struggles and triumphs. It helps me help her. I have such a deep respect for all of you.

My heartfelt hope is that you can take some comfort in knowing that you are helping us and undoubtedly countless others.

I am so profoundly sorry for each and every one of your losses and struggles and I hope that in time each of you finds the peace you so desperately long for and deserve. Be kind to yourselves. You are always in my thoughts.

With my deepest gratitude,

begalli

[titoyginasmom]

Kathie,

I know exactly what you mean about knowing your children are gone... and "KNOWING" that your children are gone. You are amazing, because you take every painful step instead of staying in bed... one after the other- and you offer support. You are amazing. Your children would be so proud of you.

Peace to you, Tina

Hmm, not sure I am any more or less amazing than anyone else in this mess, but again I thank you. The idea of staying in bed while it is appealing, would be more harmful in my opinion since it would give me too much time to think about (shall we say) dangerous things. My counselor asked me a question. He asked, "Will you be suicidal again?" I answered him by saying that any answer I gave would be a lie except to say that I would TRY to stay on a more positive path. What I mean is if I say "No" then I am lying since I have no idea what may happen in the future, and if I say "Yes" then I am saying I plan to become that way again. He gave me a very odd look then said at least I was trying to be totally honest. **shrug** I don't know what else to do but to look for that reason each day to LIVE.

Kathie.......forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[mjsmom]

WOW,

I am very new to this board, although I realize I am unfortunately a veteran in this journey of grief. I am now over the two year mark. Michael John died 8/22/03. I remember that first year of grief. It's the worst possible time you'll ever experience. I went through alot of similar problems that you all are going through. Somehow you get through. I didn't see how it was possible at the time. I moved out of my dream house 2 months after Michael died 10/03.

My house was vacant almost all winter. It sold 1/29/04. I moved into the my deceased grandparents house where I lived with Michael prior to building our house. I moved in with my boyfriend (not Michael's father divorced) my only living child (Chanel almost 5 at the time) and my only sister. What a disaster that turned out to be. My sister and Rich (boyfriend) turned on each other, Chanel went through terrible bouts of anger, and I just wanted to kill myself.

Fall through the holidays are the worst. Michael's birthday 12/6 and Chanel's birthday 12/29. We don't celebrate the holidays anymore. No decorations, no turkey on Thanksgiving.(Frankly I'm not thankful). Only Santa comes to Chanel. and she gets a birthday party with school friends. That's all I can do. Those of you in the first year, Don't expect too much of yourself. I hear that you all work. I used to be a charge nurse, I haven't worked since his death. And I don't know if I ever could again. I still go the therapy. I started 2 weeks after Michael died. I went to as many support groups as I possible could in the first year. I still go to two different chapters of The Compassionat Friends and highly recommend it to anyone. I belong to a small intimate group of bereaved parents and there are four of us who meet weekly at a local hospital meeting room. There is no easy way to do this. The people closest to us, we expect them to understand and help, but alot of time that makes things worse. At least my family did. They almost put me over the edge. I have lost 6 friends after losing Michael. They never called after the services 2 years ago. Now my closest friends are other bereaved parents. I hope all that are struggling, find their way somehow. I wish I could give some advice, but what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Take care all,

I can identify with each of your situations in some way.

Peace to all,

Marnie - Michael's mum 4 ever.

[Artina]

Marnie,

I just wanted to acknowledge Michael's angel day and tell you that we are thinking about you.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Begalli,

You are doing the right thing for your brother and sister in-law. You also highlight the support that our family may want to give, but don't always know how to go about giving it. Thank you for your support.

Peace to your family- Tina

[hannahrosesmom]

I have a Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. I feel very fortunate that my group meets twice a month as I was unable to attend the last meeting. I feel like it's been a million years since I've been there even though it's only been a month. Tonight's subject is Remembering our Child. This couldn't have come at a better time. Hannah's one year anniversary angle date is Oct 15th and lately it seems everyone including some relatives have no clue it's almost a year. One even talked to me of planning a December birthday party not even realizing that both Hannah and I have December birthdays within 5 days of each other directly after Christmas, mine the 26th and Hannah's the 31st, she would be 18. One relative has invited me to a play, a comedy, a short ten days after Hannah's angel date. Somehow I don't imagine I'll be finding too much humor in much of anything. I was sitting outside the other night on the glider swing Hannah and I had many quiet conversations on, and thought about when she told me she loved Fall because of the trees changing color. I thought about the autumn Blaze Maple that was planted at the school in her memory because she liked the trees that turned a fiery orange the best and felt my heart break because I can't share another Fall with her. I'm feeling overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow now that her headstone is in place, the onset of Fall, school starting and the upcoming holidays. Last year it all came so soon after the accident and am so afraid of how it's going to hurt this year. I try to give my self the "it won't be as bad as you're expecting" pep talk but my heart just isn't buying it. I didn't know it was possible to miss anyone as much as I miss her, but I'm sure I'm not the only one here who feels this way. Peace to us all.

I also got a tattoo, actually I have 2. When Hannah wanted to “push my buttons” she would tell me that when she turned 18 she was going to get a tattoo. My reply was always and consistantly “What do you want inked on your body that you could never wash off?” I got the answer to that question less than a month after she died. My sister and I both got a tattoo, mine is a heart with her name in it with a rosebud coming up vertically behind her name (Rose is her middle name). A few months later my nieces were getting tattoos in Hannah’s memory also. My sister, Hannah’s best friend Becky and I went up to meet them at the tattoo parlor. My sister in law decided at the last minute to come along with my niece and also got a tattoo (my mother sent me an email a few weeks later to tell me that she also got a rose tattoo).I hadn’t planned on another one, but saw a very pretty one with a butterfly resting on a rosebud which now adorns my left ankle. I don’t know how many of you go to Compassionate Friends meetings, but the butterfly is their “logo” to symbolize the transition from this life to the next, I’ve been collecting butterfly paraphernalia like crazy ever since. Next month on Becky’s 18th birthday we are taking her for her tattoo. To me it was a huge feeling of support and solidarity and I’m sure Hannah got a huge laugh out of “watching” me get something I always found so ridiculous. I guess since she isn’t able to get one, I got one…okay 2, for her.

The grocery store is a nightmare for me. Hannah worked at the one in town and the driver of the car, Caitlyn, still works there. I don’t go in there because I don’t think I’d be able to control myself if I saw Caitlyn and because of all the people you run into. The very few times I did go in there after Hannah died and ran into people I knew I’d either burst into tears which I despise doing in public, or got really angry when people saw me, quickly averted their eyes then turned and walked away pretending they didn’t see me. Hannah and I did the bulk of our grocery shopping CUB Foods. Shopping with Hannah was always an adventure, she liked to do a lot of the cooking and ALL the baking. I can’t look at cans of Spaghettio’s, frozen pizza’s, or walk down the baking aisle. By the time I get to the hair products, make-up and feminine products I’m in a full blown anxiety attack and cry all the way home. I wish there were someone who could do it for me but there isn’t. Needless to say our house doesn’t stay stocked in food, it’s just too hard. My husband relented and went with me the last time but that didn’t help much. The memories are just too painful.

Mothersangel, what a beautiful way to describe this journey we are all on. Finding beauty in such a horrific event is truly awe inspiring. My Hannah is/was a huge fan of the Beatles which may be why it touched my heart so much and I thank you for that.

I just purchased a new laptop so I can do the bulk of emailing and posting on Beyond Indigo from home. I also have an overwhelming urge to start journaling to help ease some of my pain and anxiety. I do most of this at work and it's funny how bosses don't want to pay you to email or post on message boards all day from work ;-s

Thank you all for the support, it's very much appreciated.

[sarasmom]

I survived the first day of school with out my girl. I'm glad though that I'm still in bed when the bus goes by. I work nights so I don't get up until around 9am

I have been thinking about getting a tatoo myself. I'm going to be 51 years old on the 29 of this month so I can just see who ever does this the look on his face when he see's this old lady walk through the door for a tatoo. My husband doesn't like this idea but I don't care at this point what he thinks. Sara loved fairies and crosses so I'm not sure what I'm going to get.

I'm so glad I found this place. It helps to write to other people who know what you are going through.

Thank you

Always

Jo

Sarasmom

[Artina]

Hannahrosesmom,

I love that you have tatoos with Hannah Rose in mind- that is the prefect reason to get a tatoo. I have never considered it- but after reading your post I just may get one some day.

My son loved Fall too. He always made comments when Fall started to set in. I think it was because ORANGE was his favorite color- it is how he says, "hello", to us from the other side. Thus, Fall is one big "hello". Football season was another reason he loved Fall- #42, MAC linebacker. God I miss him so much.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Sarahsmom,

I am sorry that there are environmental reminders of your loss. School does bring out an internal emotion that engulfs the Soul with more painful reminders of our loss. Please know that I understand exactly what you are talking about.

Also, you have my support in regards to a beautiful tatoo in memory of your daughter... and by the way- fifty is the new thirty. You are plenty young.

Peace to you, Tina

[mjsmom]

Hi all,

I also got a tatoo which is something I would have never done. Mine is on my back on my left shoulder (somewhat close to the back of my heart). It has my son's full name, his dates and a small outline of a heart and a butterfly. Michael wanted a tatoo like one of his older cousins. I use to tell him absolutely not. He wanted his last name across his whole back. As far as the grocery store. My boyfriend does it for me. I am fortunate for that. I was so incapacitated in the very beginning he knew I couldn't. I didn't cook either. Unfortunately I do some cooking now reluctantly. Michael had a passion for food. Way to many triggers in any grocery store.

Two years ago today date was Michael's wake. I am staying low key today. The start of school in two weeks is hard. Although we don't live in same community Michael went to the last 6 years of his schooling, it's still hard. He would of been a junior this year. I saw his friends for the first time in a year at the crash site where he died. We all go there at the time Michael died, it has become what we do. They all drive and are growing so without him. I liked hearing the Michael stories but I know I couldn't see them all the time.

For those of you who are just starting this horrible journey, I am one that will never stop missing my son, talking about him. Crying for him, forever changed by his death. Some people find joy, I will never be truly happy until it's my time. I have learned to hide alot of my pain and be around so called normal people at my daughter's schoolyard, ballet and jazz classes. But I find I don't like being around them for long. Especially when they complain about the things I would give anything in the world for my son to do. I feel for all of you, Take care til next time.

Marnie

[hannahrosesmom]

sarahsmom - I say go for the tattoo! My mom is 69 and got hers this past summer. The guy at the tattoo parlor where I went said the oldest person he put one on was an 82 year old woman. If it gives you some small joy then I say go for it!

The grocery store is a nightmare for me also. Hannah ALWAYS went to the grocery store with me and always managed to make it a fun adventure. She even had fun going through the "feminine products" aisle laughing and making comments she probably should have kept to herself. I cannot go down the baking, hair and make-up aisles. They just tear me up. I wish I had someone else to do it for me, but since I don't have that option, grocery shpping expeditions are few and far between.

[ashleysmom]

Jo,

I also say go for it, get the tattoo if it will make you feel better. Mine certainly did. Ashley designed a tattoo of her own and on her eighteenth birthday had it put on the back of her neck. Less than three months later she died. My husband, her boyfriend and myself all had the same tattoo done. I then went to an artist and had her tattoo both Ashley's and Crystal's portrait on my lower back. They are facing eachother. Ashley has angel wings (of heaven) and Crystal has fairy wings (of earth) I love my tattoo and I am so glad I had it done. I feel like she is always with me. Peace to all, Dottie

[Artina]

Ashleysmom,

I really like your idea for a tatoo- portrait's of your children. Sounds beautiful.

Peace to you, Tina

[joshsmom]

Artina,

Happy Birthday to you on August 30th, I have met alot of people that share this birthday with Josh, since this all happened to us!

I had to reply to all the posts about tattoos.....I would have never in my wildest dreams, thought that I would want or get a tatoo, but I also am going to go!! I just have to make up my mind on a design. I'm thinking of Josh's name with air brushed angel wings on the sides, on top of his name, a yellow, nike baseball hat (which he never took off except to sleep!), and a small turtle underneath, with a 16 inside of it.

My older son has had two tatoos since Josh passed, also about 10 of his friends have them in memorial of him, either his name with a cross or a turtle (which was his friend's nickname for him!)

I hated grocery shopping too for the longest time, it's getting alittle easier now, but I couldn't pass, ramen noodles (Josh loved these!), and chocolate chip cookies, or cookie dough, that was his favorite splurge food!

I miss him so much!!! I feel strong for days at a time and then I seem to go back to just feeling so empty all the time! I just am so glad to have you all!

I really don't think I would have the "better days" as often without the support and understanding that you all give!!

Take care and hugs to you!

I'm going to bed now in hopes of dreaming of Josh! I would love to see him and hear his voice! My dreams might bring me this!

On Josh's stone at the cemetary I found the perfect verse to have engraved, it says, "If we had a wish, a dream that would come true, we'd ask for yesterday and you"!

After ordering the stone, later the same day I went shopping with my sister to pick out some silk flowers and things for around the stone, and I was shocked to find two little stones with a turtle on top of each stone, one stone said the word, "Wish" and the other stone said the word. "Dream"! I bought them both and glued them to the top corners of the stone. They look like they were made to be there! I knew then that I had chosen just the right words for Josh!

Sweet Dreams to you!!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[titoyginasmom]

I agree with the post that said thank goodness for this site! Where else would we all discuss tattoos for a memory of our child(ren)? I have had so many people think I was crazy to get one. LOL I don't regret it a bit. My daughter will be getting one similar to mine when she turns 18 next year. Mine (like I said) has the Sacred Heart, the rose, and the banner saying "In Loving Memory." The one my daughter wants she found on a sticker! It has the heart with wings on each side, a banner, and a rose. She wants "In Loving Memory" on the banner in her siblings names on each of the wings. I personally know several "old ladies" who have gotten tattoos, so no worries there. **grin** Seems one woman decided to get one to mark the occasion of her 100th birthday! I was astonished, but decided it was an awesome idea.

Kathie.........forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[Artina]

Joshsmom,

Thank you for the B-day wish.

Peace to you, Tina

[mjsmom]

Hi,

I have been feeling extra depressed today. I realized yesterday wasn't the date of Michael's wake it was today 2 years ago. There were 2 days between his death and the wake. I have my 6 year old home. It's hard when all you want to do is pull the covers up over your head and you have this little one looking you in the face. Last week was hard remembering what I could of Michael's last week alive. I forgot about the dates of the wake and funeral. I miss him so very much. He used to share his dreams with me ..... and now I am just left here to suffer. I guess I am not giving those of you who are much earlier in your grief much hope today. Just because it's been two years, people expect you to be so called over this. If it's possible, I miss him more because it's been a longer time since I've seen his handsome face. Michael had a witty personality. He could make anyone laugh and smile. I'm having a hard time today, just wanted to vent.

Marnie

[kirksdad]

Yesterday was a good day. The high school journalism teacher gave her a peek at the new yearbook and there was a picture in it showing my wife giving Kirk's scholarship and a little paragraph about it. It was nice because this yearbook is all in color. It was nice people are still thinking about us.