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Loss of a Teenager


katebe

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Just a note to all the dad's on this site~ we know that today will be difficult without your beloved child/ren. You will always be their father!

Please know that we care and are thinking about you today.

Peace to you, Tina

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Danielsmom,

Please know how sorry I am for the loss of your beloved son, Daniel. I remember expecting my son to walk through the door too. Loss is a very difficult transition to accept in life- especially the loss of our child. My son died at the age of Nineteen, on Jan 4, 2002. I felt like giving up. I couldn't see past the next minute and wondered how I would ever be able to make it to the next day. It was so difficult through the first year and into the next. Yet, with little steps, lots of healing, and time spent with myself grieving, I have somehow made it through. I still struggle, but I do have hope again. Life does get better. It will never be the same, but it does get a lot better.

Be sure to do the basic steps... drink plenty of water, get plenty of sleep, and eat.

Beyond Indigo parents are the best parents to talk to. We have all lost a child and share what has, and has not worked for us. Take what works and leave what doesn't. We are here for each other.

Peace to you, Tina

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griffinsmom

Let me start by sending my condolences to all on this board- we are in the same boat here, I'm finally seeing- so I can express my deep, unending sorrow over the loss of my best friend, my son, Griffin. 6 mos. later, Im barely coming to the realization that Griffins not coming home- hes not going to email me- there wont be any mail- the phone call that wakes up his sleeping sister wont be him....keeping it short- I tend to go down the road 18 years from now- and remember for all that has happened in that time - Griffin wasnt here for it- at least not physically. I'm working on the spiritual presence thoeries...If I could accept our relationship to have changed form- like water to steam-....and I am his forever Mom, and he is always my Griffin- then all could be good with the world, or my world, at least. Peace.

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Wendy, I am so sorry about the loss of your son, Daniel. I understand your situation because our son was killed instantly in a car wreck, he was 17. This is a long hard journey without our children by our sides. I hope that your daughter's wedding will the be joyous occation that is should be and that your son's presence will be felt through out the day, I know that it will.

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I mourn for everyone who has had the unfortunate experience that our family has also suffered. one beautiful crisp and sunny October 23, 2001 our family life of innocence and cocoon of the realization that nothing happens to us just to other people. that innocence was shattered with the realization that my husband's only other sibling died instantly while on his way to work, he was an Rn. with our nearby orthopedic specialists to a nearby city about 50 minute ride to work at that hopital. A man fell asleep on his way home from a double shift. crossed two lanes of traffic, and hit him headon we believe that his death was instantaneous. it was ironic that he was in a brandnew Lincoln Navigator............Scott was only 45, left behind a son and three stepsons and a wife. and the rest of this family his mom and dad my husband and i and our two sons. .....................Forward one,year.and one day later. Our youngest son had come home from catching chickens at 4am. went to bed around 5, so i had a real hard time getting him up for school he was a new Senior in highschool. So this cold october morning with flurries lazily fluttering out of a cold grey sky, our son asked if he could take the Bmw. to school, we agreed , since the 71Ford pickup he was going to drive had a window stuck partly down, and he didnt want to freeze on his way to school. anyway at 2:55 that day, i called his friend's house where he would go after school,"is my baby there ?" was my question? no said the mom, but, he should be here in 5 minutes. Sure enough, 5 minutes later the phone rang. Yeah Zack, my husband said, thinking it was him. No, it was the highschool saying he was being lifeflighted to the hospital, he was in a wreck. my breathing stopped, from that day, ifeel like life is upside down. anyway we went directly to the site, where i saw a coroner car, i thought it was him and i saw my car upsidedown, on anothercar, our car had caught fire, they used 5 fire extinguishers to get it out. Anyway the other car had a sheet covered body in it. here a 75year old mother of 8 was coming home from the grocerystore at the wrong time. As the state police said our son was racing to the highschool with another student. they call it the votech 500, he was in the 2nd month of welding at the nearby votech about 10miles away. so at 17 and and 10months and so many days we also sadly lost our beautiful son. black sparkling eyes, 6 feet tall muscles from lifting weights, he called his arms his "pipes" Blueblack hair. anyway we had 61/2 hours with him . one of the hardest things was to tell my husbands mom and dad. "here we go again" exactly 1year and 1day later. Oct.24, 2002, this past October my mom died of Cancer, on the 12th not quite two years after my baby, so this is real hard for me. i cant cry on her shoulder anymore, she would have been 87 years old on oct 31. I am the youngest of 8. My heart is sore and battered as are the hearts of everyone in our family. it is real hard to smile, Laughter has been elusive, and doesnt last long, i am a nurse, so my hardest thing was saying "I am a nurse, i can handle it. boy was i wrong. so currently i have ptsd. and i needed to get away from nursing for a while. im an lpn. so im unemployed, so we struggle on my husband son Dustin, and I , next week, dustin will be 24, i need to try to not obsess so much that i forget about him right?

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eriksmomforever

ZACKSMOM-

My son was killed 4 months ago, ironicly coming home from VO-TECH. There have been so many accidents in our town, from those kids coming home from VO-TECH it's insane. We have had 2 other kids killed, 3 including my son coming home from there. I had it changed after Erik was killed that they have to take a bus now, otherwise they can't be in VO-TECH. Kids raced home from there every day, it was a big problem, i guess 3 kids just had to get killed before they thought maybe they should do something about it. I'm so sorry for all you are going through, so many losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers, perhaps Erik and Zach are up in heavn building something great between his welding skills and Erik's contruction skills. :)

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eriksmomforever

I need advice, and please be honest with me, and tell me if my thinking is just off because of all i'm going through.

I feel the only way i can still take care of my son is by tending to his grave. Weeding it, making sure all the flowers are fresh, decorating it for holidays etc....It's VERY important to me that i'm able to do this.

There are a few relatives that i feel will not let me do this. They are constantly running out there to take care of things, then calling me to tell me they did so, or putting decorations out there for the upcoming 4th of July before i even have a chance. I'm out at the cemetery a lot too, and they know this. Anyway, i have in a round about way stated i want to do these things, but it's not working. They have done a lot of other things that i feel is not their place as well. Like making phone calls about the legal procedings and requesting copies of documents be sent to them about the drivers upcoming trial from the county so they can read them. They are driving the attorney for our side insane.

I'm sure they mean well, but i'm his mom, I want to take care of all these things! All the holidays upcoming in the fall were Erik's favorite, ecspecially christmas, and i don't want to feel like i'm in a mad rush all the time to his grave to decorate. I don't care if they leave things there for him, but let ME do the main maintence on it. Am i out of line? If i'm not, how do you tell them to back off, i mean they are hurting too.

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I understand exactly how you feel, I also like to go and do all of that myself, its as if I am still taking care of her in someway (its our maternal and paternal instinct),those are our times, just me and her, but I do realize that family also want to leave things and take flowers and rearrange and clean and that is good too because it means that our loved ones are not forgotten and still on there minds and in there hearts, maybe you can alternate with them, they mean well, about the legal issues that is a different story, that is very personal, and that is something only you should deal with. I hope this helps

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Zachsmom,

I am sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit in a short time. Losing a child is difficult enough without having to deal with one more loss. Please know that we are here to support each other. I lost my son three years ago, at the age of 19. Beyond Indigo parent's are very supportive and understand what you are going through.

Peace to you, Tina

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Ericksmomforever,

I think anything that you feel you need to do... you should do. It's okay if they don't understand- it's not their child. I bet that they think that they are making you feel better- that's why I think it's important that you let them know just how important it is for you to take care of your son's grave and leagal circumstances. Could you ask a family member, who understands where you are coming from, to make some phone calls that will explain your needs and desires. This could be a positive way of handling it without you having to deal with them directly.

We support your need to do exactly what you need to do to get through this.

Peace to you, Tina

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Zach's Mom,

Your loss is being compounded, it seems, by those who love you. They evidently do not realize that the are "taking Zach away from you" all over again. I understand. Unfortunately, I had a family member who tried to be our son's mother before and during the time he was dying. She keeps trying to "take my place." It hurts, but there is no way these hopefully well-meaning people can understand what it feels like to lose a child.

Please know that I'll pray for you. I'll pray, too, that someone will intervene and help your family understand that they are overstepping their boundaries. I care and many others do, too.

Wanda

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griffinsmom

Im sorry for everyones loss here. To make a long story short- I am having a real hard time imagining my life without Griffin. Its almost to the six month mark- and when I think of him truly not being here- I get very panicked. Any suggestions or words of encouragement? Griffin was/is so much more than just my son- he is also my very best friend in the world- please help, if possible. Griffins website- www.memory-of.com, type in Griffin Schwartz- to read the whole story. I hope someone can give me some good advice as to how to continue on- surely theres someone out there who has felt this way and moved through it.

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Giffinsmom,

I can only hope that I am able to give you some hope. I lost my son a little over three years ago- he was 19. It is so hard to learn to live life without our children who are no longer physically with us. I managed to get through the first couple of years by taking the very basic steps. I know that the idea of drinking plenty of water, eating, sleeping, walking, and talking to supportive friends feels like it won't do anything, but it did for me. I did the very least I could do, but I did do the basics. Somehow... I have arrived at hope again. I smile. I dream. I play. I love big. And I do all of this, while I miss my son. My body and mind has learned how to live this life while I still suffer the loss of my son. I hurt and I miss him so much, but I also capture each day- trying not to let one slip by me. I don't know how I arrived here, but I did. Take the little steps, because they lead somewhere.

I don't know if this will work for you, but it really helped us- we bought a dog for our living child. The energy that this dog brought into our home filled us with life. We love animals and this just started a healing within each one of us right from the beginning. Duke is now a permenant part of our family and he makes each one of us smile daily. He needs us and we need him.

Peace to you, Tina

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griffinsmom

Sounds like a plan- I dont do any of those except talk to supportive friends- whose support is dwindling.....people move on.....

I would like to end up where you are. Except the Dog- Gianna is seven months old- and we have a dog and 2 cats.. Maybe a fish for some new energy....:)

Any more suggestions? Anyone?

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Hello, I am new to this site we lost our son on March 13th,2005. He was 16years old and the most awesome teenager a mother could ever want. His pride and joy in life was his quad and my husband taught him all the safety aspects of riding a quad since the time he was six. Mark was involved in all kinds of sports and out door activities, he loved skateboarding, snowboarding, skidooing,fishing, waterskiing you name it. He liked school and did very well, he had lots of plans for his future. He had just met his first real girlfriend and you could see he was very much in love. We had a great relationship,I felt he was the core of our family as he was our middle child. Then as all of you have experienced our whole life as we know it was ripped out in a moment. Our son was in a tragic quading accident that involved another young man who had been drinking. This is such a senseless accident in which our son should not have been killed the young man who drank walked away without barely a scratch.

I really thought the first few days was almost to hard to bare but as you know the shock helped absorb alot of the pain. It is now a little over three months since that horrible night and I miss my son more and more each day, I find myself thinking I can't make it through this. I don't have alot of faith right now in anything, and my anger is building. I think things I have never thought, and I want to do things that before this happened I would have never thought about. Each day I watch my other two sons fall apart as well as my husband and I can't seem to help anyone right now. This pain as you know is just to much, and life as I knew it is over. I know people say time heals but I know that no matter what this pain will never end. My whole life I have councelled others and right now I can't seem to think of anyway to help us deal with this. I have always feared the possible death of a close loved one and had nightmares about different deaths in my family but NEVER EVER did I think for a moment that I would lose a child, we struggled to have kids for ten years. The kids were our everything, we protected them from any dangers we could see and then all of a sudden this stupid tragedy took our son away.

I am sorry I didn't mean to ramble on and I understand that all of you do know what we are going through and I am sorry that any other parent would ever have to feel this pain it is just to much to bare. How do you get through the day? What keeps you going? I thought I was getting by, but now I feel like I am so close to the breaking point and I am scared I am going to lose everything because I cannot live with this. Others think I am doing okay and I don't want to let everyong down but I don't know if I can survive this. It is a relief to be able to say my thought to someone, thanks for listening.

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Eriksmom, I can identify with your mood swings as that is exactly how I am right now one minute I am okay and the next I am crying. I even have found myself saying stupid things in the middle of doing something, and then who ever heard me says what did you say? At that point I realize I said what I was thinking out loud. Like we were playing a game with our youngest son and I was thinking this was Marks favourite game and all of a sudden I swore, just one word. But everyone said what? I can also go from running our own business dealing with staff and problems to closing my door and bawling my eyes out or all of a sudden thinking horrible things about the young man who hit my son.

All I can say is your not alone, I have your same feelings.

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Marksmom,

Please keep writing. We are listening. That's what I do best. It's not time for me to give advice. For now, I'll pray for you. I promise. I'm here -- listening.

Wanda - AKA Runningramma

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Daniel died ten weeks ago today,and I find that one of the things that helps me is taking walks.Daniel and I would always take walks,this was our special time together.We had some of our best talks on these walks,Daniel would tell me everything going on in his life,all of his hopes and dreams, Now when I walk I feel Daniel right beside me.It is so hard to think of life without him, he was such a huge part of my life.

This site has also helped,just seeing that all of these emotions I am going through are normal and shared by all of you.

Wendy

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I am thankfull that I found this site also as I was feeling very alone in my thoughts and now I know my thoughts and feelings are very similar to many other moms and dads who come to this site. I do have to say though when I finished reading some of the stories and comments it made me so angry and sad to know that so many parents are going through this horrible journey!! It all seems so unfair so many caring loving parents in the same boat. Everyday in my work I see parents who don't know where there kids are for one minute to the next, I see kids doing drugs, drinking hanging around with very scary people and I don't understand how can those kids slide through all of these risky actions and our children who we have carefully protected our whole life end up having these horrific accidents?? Why is it that good caring parents have to endure this kind of pain and I see parents that basicly let thier kids survive on thier own never have to go down this road? I know I am not supposed to think this way and I promise my whole life I have done nothing but help families and children like this and I would not wish this on anyone, but I can't help feeling like we have been ripped off!! I do express my condolences to all of you, I wish I knew some way to ease all of our pain, but I don't have a clue for the first time in years I have no advice at all.

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Marksmom,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am always taken back by the amount of us who have to endure this pain. My son died from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident- at the age on 19, on Jan 4, 2002. I remember thinking the exact same things that you are thinking. I remember feeling like my world was over. My heart opened right up when I read your story... I was taken back to the first couple of months. I realized that somehow I was able to make it back to a life that I could smell the dirt, appreciate the rain, and see a future that was not filled with "just" PAIN. I miss my son sooooo much. Somehow it gets better. We are here to support you and do what ever we can to help each other get through this.

Peace to you, Tina

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Tina,

Thanks for your reply,we did recieve some letters from other parents that had lost a child in our area but other than that we have not really communicated with anyone about our deep feelings. Sometimes I feel that it is no use talking to people who have not lived through this as it really is something that you just can't imagine what it is like unless you have been there. I also have to say that many people who have tried to be helpful have said things that have really hurt us bad, sometimes I think if they just realized what they say or at best think before you speak it would be easier. I recently had a co-worker as me if we were still struggling with Mark's death, I just said yes. Many people compare losing a child to losing other relatives and to me it just is not the same. I would have rather died myself or lost my husband, my parents even my own sibling instead of having to go through burying our son.

I still cannot sleep or eat properly. Our other two children do not even sleep in their own rooms and they do not sleep a whole night through at all.

Anyway I just want to say thank you for everyone who comes to this site as it is comforting to know we are not alone and there are others out there that do know what we are feeling. It at least lets us know we are not crazy, at least not yet. This is hardly though the kind of support group that you are thankful for others being in your same situation as I really wish that no parent ever had to endure this. I wish everyone of you somekind of peace in dealing with these tragedies, Bye for now Roxy.

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Danielsmom, I am glad that you have found some comfort in walking and no doubt if you can feel your son beside you then you have found something to hold onto.

Unfortunately I am still struggling to believe that I feel my son around me, but it has only been 13 weeks since we lost our son so I am hopeing that I will feel his presence soon. I cannot really give you any advice as I am in no shape at this time to do anything other than say what we have been experiencing and doing to survive each day. I started a journal to my son the first week after his accident and it has really helped me to let my feelings out, I find I can write anything in this book and it doesn't hurt or worry anyone as I am the only one who has seen it. I would share it with my husband if he wanted me to but other than that I started it purely as a way to help me vent and say things that I knew I could not just say. Again I am very sorry about your son and I sincerely hope that you and your family find some peace in the coming months. bye Roxy.

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Hi Wanda, thank you for inviting me to discuss my grief with you. I can tell already that there are so many caring, thoughtful people who come to this site. Its just horrible that there are so many of us who are having to go through this situation. bye roxy.

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Hello Everyone,

I most definately do not want to cause anyone any more pain then you have to endure so if this question is just to painful please just forget it. I wanted to know is anyone else struggling with knowing exactly what happened to your child the day/night they died? Our son was in a accident however we still have not recieved the full report from the police they are still investigating. We cannot believe how long it is taking for them to charge the young man who hit our son, he was drinking to me it is cut and dry. We had such a hard time getting the police to return our calls. We also recieved a report from the coroner's office and the accident it describes our son was in is not at all what happened, so obviously they have mixed up accidents. I am not normally a complainer but I cannot believe some of the things we have had to endure during this whole nightmare. One of the papers that was sent to us about our sons death was mailed to him, that was really thoughtful of someone. We have also had to struggle with different stories in the media, each article has stated something else happened at the accident. Plus we told the paper they were not allowed to print the story they wanted to run however they ran it anyway. THis is just to name a few things we have had to deal with through this, the other huge concern we have is the only witnesses to our sons accident were his best friend and some other teenagers and none of them are telling the same story. Not to mention the story they told us the night of the accident has totally changed. We don't know what to think anymore, we know for certain that our son was not drinking as they took a blood test. THe man who hit our son admitted to drinking a few drinks. Sorry I am carrying on again, but I am just starting to wonder if anyone else is obsessed about the what and why of your childs passing. Both my husband I think about it constantly and there are so many questions we want answered, not to mention I want this man to have a consequence to his actions. I know it will not bring our son back, but I am sorry he has to take responsibility for what he did, wether he meant to do it or not.

I was just wondering is anyone else out there going through this stuff to? Thanks for letting me vent, I am just so confused and frustrated not to mention in great pain as each moment I go through without our son I feel like I am just dying along with him. Thanks forlistening, bye roxy.

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Dear Roxy - Mark's Mom,

First, please keep writing. We're listening. You said that you started a journal to your son. I, too, journal. But, my journal is just a daily account of whatever is going on in my life. After our son's death, I went back and typed in the two months preceding our son's surgery, the surgery, the two weeks after his surgery before his death, and the events follwing his death. It's just sitting in my computer. I want it for our children and also for reference for any other issues that occur.

In regard to the circumstances and cause of death, it was many months before we were able to obtain the autopsy report. I understand your dismay at the various problems with getting the right information.

In regard to the sleeping and your other two children, it has been two years and I still do not sleep well. Somehow, God allows me to "carry on" with five or six hours of INTERRUPTED sleep a night. Our children are doing better than me, though only slightly. As always, my husband is the strong one in our family. He struggles, too, but we unite to help one another. Even though we have always been a close family, the death of our son has drawn our immediate family closer than ever.

With the help of some friends, I edited a little booklet about losing our children "way too soon." If you would like a copy, please email me at Runningramma@aol.com and I will send you a copy. Others have written similar concerns that you've written about in your postings. It may be too soon for you, but I wanted to let you know that I would be glad to mail you a copy.

Take care,

Wanda - AKA Runningramma

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griffinsmom

Sorry, Marksmom- its a long process, and the driver of my sons car was drinking, but the blood is not admisssible due to some crazy law....hows that?

I put this on the spiritual/uplifting poem forum- got no response-so I thought Id share it here.

Well- not really a spiritual lift- but an interesting victim impact statement, which has come out in a poetic format. I thought Id see what you thought. WWW.Memory-of.com - type in Griffin Schwartz, you can get more background if you're interested.

No second chances here.

I raised Griffin by myself. For 17.5 years, every move I made was tied to Griffins well being. Just the mundane things-

dinner, lunch money, when to take a shower, rides, did I get him his....to do ....does he have.......do I need to.....homework?

How has my life been affected by this?

Nothing is promised = expect nothing

My life stopped Jan 1, 2005.

Everything, everyone around me is moving- yet here I stand-

stunned and mortified

at the reality I have yet to accept.

My daughter has lost a brother.

My husband has lost his wife.

My son? He lost his life.

And what about the Mom? The wife?

Here was Griffin- markedly intelligent, full of love and life-

he made a mistake, too.

But, no second chances here.

The driver of the car is one of Griffins best friends- somehow he thinks he's leaving for college in the fall. His parents seem to think that, too. I KNOW BETTER, AS THE STATE IS CHARGING HIM WITH VEHICULAR HOMICIDE. I THINK HE SHOULD PAY- THEN HE CAN MOVE ON. WE HAVE COME TO AN AGREEMENT (ME AND THE sTATE) AS TO "FAIR" PUNISHMENT"...I only hope they accept the very genenrous offer in my sons case.- Here in Palm Beach Cnty, FL- a senior in HS drove wrecklessly- no drugs or alcohol- killed a passenger- another kid- and is getting 9-15 yrs in prison. The child who died was a police officers daughter- this case went to trial- as opposed to a plea deal, which we are offering. This is why I say no second chances for Griffin- his friend gets a second chance at life- I dont get a second chance, either. Trial is ugly. anyway- what a mess-hope someone gets something out of this post. Plz excuse the caps.

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Marksmom, Roxy, I can't say I understand totally the feeling that you have, but only because each death is so unique. To hear so many differening accounts has got to be very hard to understand. For us we were listening to the scanner the night our son was killed and listened to all the response and what went on before we found out that it was him. For us there wasn't only the question of did he suffer, but there were so many stories, some very hurtful. We did know that he, thank God, was by himself. He was speeding, some told us he was being chased by the police, but we didn't get that from the scanner. We were told by one of his friends that he told them that if he was killed that night it would make no difference to him. People will say so many things, all of it nothing we want to hear. I came to the conclusion after 2 years that there was just nothing we could have done. He had been drinking and that played a part in it also. The stigma of your child having killed himself because of his drinking and driving is horrible. I thank God everyday that he was the only person that had to pay for his terrible decisions. As a parent that hurts so much. I know that you are wanting some type of understanding of what happened, but with everyone telling a different story it is going to be hard to figure that out.

I hope that you can get some answers, I know how important that is. The wondering can be so hard to take.

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Griffinsmom, I know that laws need to change. I have been on the other side of the issue and feel that if someone hurts someone else because of drinking that person should have to pay some price. Kirk was alone and it only hurt him. It should be a federal law, since the states can't seem to get it together.

I know of instances where people have gone out and killed someone and have driven days afterward even though they were drinking and still did. The line that one is innocent until proven guilty is a good idea, but in reality it only hurts the victims.

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griffinsmom

"It only hurts the victim.."

I also feel that my sons friend should pay his dues- which, as I said will not be up to guideline- I do not want to ruin his life....but if he does not pay a legal, socially acceptable price- then he cant ever say I paid for this and now I can go on- even thought I still miss my friend, I have done all the state has asked of me...you know what I mean? I would want my son to pay a reasonable price for killing his friend by driving wrecklessly- I wouldnt want him to carry more guilt than he would already have. Punishments are a way of paying and enabling one to move on with less guilt. Just my thought.

I just miss my son more than words can say- just think- there will come a time when our kids will be gone longer than they were here. That thought just sickens me. The parents of the driver of the car dont have to live with that.

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Griffinsmom, it is so hard to understand what goes through the minds of those that do this. Kirk had a "friend" and I use the term loosely that harbored him during times that we were so upset. His parents allowed for anything and everything to happen in that house, the whole family was totally out of control. I have my thoughts about were he got the alcohol that night, but in the long run it makes no difference. This kid never seemed to care less about Kirk's death, much less the girl he killed in a wreck when he back ended her. He wasn't drinking, but he just never seemed to think. He now goes to college to become an engineer. He never seems to give one thought to the lives he has hurt, it just makes me sick to even look at him.

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It is so very painful to not know what happened in the last minutes of our childrens lives.Unfortunately the cemetary where my son is buried is next to the road that took his life.I often stand at his grave and look at that road and my mind sees the vehicle flying through the air and I try to see what my son was doing and it tears me apart.Like many parents here we also are locked in a court scene.I wish the driver would have gotten a vehicular homicide charge Griffinsmom how old was the driver that killed Griffin? The driver that killed my son and another friend was 15 so he has a very lenient charge of 3 counts of negligent endangerment along with speeding and seat belt use.It makes me absolutely crazy to see the driver that forever altered our lives driving around,playing basketball getting on with his life while our lives have been forever altered.I to find myself stunned and mortified at my new road and deeply wish I could wake from this hellish nightmare.Our youth court trial is not till October and it will be almost a year from my son's death with no consequences for the driver so much for justice in america.

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trubeliever

I haven't been on the message board for a while. I first want to say to the all the parents I too have lost my precious son. I did see him up until his last breath. I do not know what to say to ease you pain except that I think it is easier to die than to watch someone die. I think that when you die, you will find you are home. You will know your family here and your family when you crossover. Our children were not alone, ever and never will they be. I find comfort in knowing my Brian was not afraid but was set free of pain. I also believe he had many people to care for him when he arrived. Whatever the situation, your children were held and loved the second they left this place, the same as when you last held them. I hope you can find some way to put your mind at ease. This is the most difficult time of our lives. It will be 9 months Friday that I last saw Brian. But truly I had lost him 2 weeks prior, ICU is not living. Please keep talking here, it helps me to know all the things I feel and cannot say out loud are normal feelings. Thank you all…

Mary Beth

4ever Brian’s Mom

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griffinsmom

Griffin was 17, as was his friend. He was arrested last week on vehicular homicide charge, although it really was a dui manslaughter- due to some legal technicalities- the drivers blood cannot be used as evidence. Its possible he could walk- which means if I tied my dog up in the front yard with no water, I'd get a worse punishment. I have had to let go of alot of me expectations of the law- except that if I speed, there will be a penalty...blah-blah-blah....Thats how I feel anymore. I just want to spend my little bit of energy developing my "new" relationship with my son, and raising his baby sister. Whatever happens in court, it won't bring Griffin back.

My condolences to all on this board, and, yes- this is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life, and my life has not been easy. Good luck on the journey, and my suggestion of the day would be to choose your battles. What little energy we have left should not be wasted, you know?

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Thanks so much for your thoughts and messages,its just so sad that so many of us have to endure this tragedy. I feel like I am losing it and I cannot do anything about it. I have to make a bit of a confession and I wish I could be like some of you who have so much faith and belief on where your child is and that they are not alone. Each day I search to believe or understand where is my son? Is he okay? Is he in heaven or is there life after life? I just don't know anymore, I used to think I knew the answers, now it seems I know nothing.

I feel bad and I wish I could just believe but I cannot, so I keep searching for those answers. I realize knowone can give me my faith, but it helps to hear others who are going through this that they believe. I wish everyone to have the best day they can under the circumstances, bye roxy.

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titoyginasmom

Roxy- Mark's Mom-- I want to reply to your questions and comments about your son's last moments and accident. To start let me tell you I lost my Tito and my Gina Oct 01, 2004 in a car wreck along with 3 other people. There were facts not given out, facts reported wrongly to the public, and facts suppressed by the police. I got the coroner's report on Tito fairly quickly, and wasn't really shocked by anything in it. See, I worked in the Medical Examiner's office for a lot of years. So I knew what I was reading and what they would be looking for! I also knew my rights as a parent when the kids died, so I had checked my son from head to toe, front to back BEFORE they were cleaned up at the funeral home! You have that right!! Most people don't know that! Also most people can't handle touching their loved one's broken body. I could and did. Anyway I had a good idea before reading the report what killed them. Then I went to the place they died, and did a search on my hands and knees with a digital camera. I found evidence from yet another vehicle. One NOT mentioned in the reports. Over the next few months I located the witnesses, and questioned them. See, people all see things a little differently. Just like when small children tell you what happened you have to take all the stories and add them together to get a full picture. Now I know what happened. My son's car was hit from behind, sending him into oncoming traffic. I can PROVE it now. But it has been almost 9 months of hard investigating. Nine months of ups and downs, nine months of crying, and even near suicide. I can only beg you to speak to someone you can trust. This message board will help you so much, but it can NOT take the place of someone face to face. You can also email me if you like. KJLyttlbyt@aol.com I try to check my email every few days so be patient with me ok? I am still trying to deal with severe depression.

Much love and many prayers...

Kathie~~mother to Tito y Gina

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KATHERINESMOM

Hi, my name is Mary. On July 5, 2002 I lost my youngest child. Katherine was 18 years old and had graduated from High School on June 14, 2002. Katherine was at a 4th of July camping party. The kids had been at the beach partying and letting off fireworks. There were two trucks there and when they decided to go back to their campground just 1/4 a mile up the road Katherine loaded into the back of one the trucks with a lot of her friends. On the way Katherine stood up to dance and fell out of the truck and died. The kids were all drinking and to be honest with you, I have never been able to completely talk over the events with her Sister and Brother, who were both there at the time of the accident. Our emotions are still too raw, we talk in bits and pieces and I am on my second year in counseling and came off of antidepressants just 3 months ago. I have read the articles and discussions in this group for nearly 3 years now, but have never come here. To be fully honest with you, I have always had a lot of family and community support and didn\'t feel the need to get involved with strangers (please pardon). Tonight I cut off a nearly 18 year relationship with a man I Love dearly. I found myself sitting here back to my thoughts of the early part of her death and that was that I was dead too, I died with her. My life has not been the same and yes, I know it never will again. I get the looks from people that say, she really should be over this by now, even my own family members and I know from the tons of books I have read, this is natural. I may never get through it. I recently said, all the people have gone and there is no one here but myself to see me through, then I thought of you, all of you out there who do know what I am going through. Someone please assure me it gets better.

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Katherine's Mom,

You said, in part,"I recently said, all the people have gone and there is no one here but myself to see me through, then I thought of you, all of you out there who do know what I am going through. Someone please assure me it gets better."

Mary,

You are right -- we know what you're going through. You have been on this journey longer than me. I, too, have had support from family; however, there came a point when I realized that I would have to "walk alone" with God through this sorrow. It helps to have others, but one thing I have learned is that I MUST stay away from negative influences. I try to make a conscious effort to be positive, rather than negative. Each one of us has our individual sorrow of losing our child.

Slowly, the grief for me is subsiding. I realize that my pain is not any worse than the pain of another parent who has lost a child. If it were, I could not carry on with life. Each day, I try to carefully listen, first of all, to God. Then, I listen to others and to circumstances in my surroundings and world. From these observations, I try to see if there is anything that I can do that will relieve the suffering of someone. Sometimes, I am the one who needs relief. When I am the one, I try to take care of myself. However, I have to caution myself to not dwell so much on my needs and the loss of my child that I forget that others around me are suffering, too.

Yes, Mary, it can get better. The night we lost our son was the most terrible day of my life. Missing him now is grief, but pales in comparison to the events of that dreadful night. When I find myself remembering the events surrounding his death, I try to pull myself away from those "flashbacks" and focus on something positive about our son's life or my life now. It's not easy, and I don't always accomplish that goal -- but I try.

You are in my prayers. I taught high school and what you write about Katherine and your children sounds so familiar. Katherine's brother and sister are in my prayers as I type. Yes, people on this site understand. Please write again whenever you can. We're listening -- and we care.

Your Texas friend,

Wanda

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Mary, it will be 5 years for us coming up in Aug. and it took a long time to even get to a point where I felt like I was truly able to do anything at all. I went through the motions and people that saw me thought I was doing ok, but the truth is that I was dead inside. I still fight that battle, but I do know that after about 4 years things started to improve. Last year for the first time I felt that I was making some progress as far as my inner self was concerned. I teach school and I started out the year feeling better than I had since Kirk's death. I was able to not only make it though the year so much better, but I felt that I had accomplished more last year than I had in all the 4 previous years combined. Do I still have times that I could just give up? You bet, but those times are further apart now. I know, like you, that my life has changed forever, nothing will ever be the same again. I have to make a new life now without my son and that is a constant battle. I try to remember him as the gift I recieved when I needed it most and was taken away far too quickly. He was my best friend and the love I feel for him will never diminish. It is so very hard to understand any of what has happened to us. We will always love them and we know they always loved us, always will. We have to hang on to that thought.

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trubeliever
I have read the articles and discussions in this group for nearly 3 years now, but have never come here. To be fully honest with you, I have always had a lot of family and community support and didn\\\'t feel the need to get involved with strangers (please pardon). Tonight I cut off a nearly 18 year relationship with a man I Love dearly. I found myself sitting here back to my thoughts of the early part of her death and that was that I was dead too, I died with her.

Mary,

You can come here and say things to us that you may just need to say to yourself. We listen and feel the same way. When you say you died with her, I can feel it straight to the heart. My time from my son is not nearly as distant as yours from your daughter but I can tell you I know I will never feel the same ever again about anything. I have my good weeks and bad weeks. I can't even compare anymore. But I know a person can have more than one purpose in life. Kirk's dad is a good example of that, he provides such a good service here on this website.

I was emailing a friend regarding his terminally ill child and said to him that the opposite of faith is fear. And he answered, “It is fear that keeps him on his knees and faith that keeps him standing." I haven’t decided which is easiest for me right now, kneeling or standing. I just know how important it is to stay connected somehow. Take care of yourself……Mary Beth

4ever Brian’s Mom

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Hello Everyone, It looks like many of you are more experienced at this nightmare than I and I wish I could say something helpful to someone but right now I have nothing to offer. Our son has been gone since March 13th, 2005 and the pain is getting worse along with my feelings of despair. I feel I have lost a son and now I am slowly losing our whole family. My two other children are hurting so badly, they have changed so much in a very short time. Our youngest one is so angry and lost, he even said one day that it would be easier if we all just went with my son. Our oldest one recently turned 18 and he is barely hanging in there, I am so afraid that he doesn't care about living anymore. My husband well he is up and down and also feeling much like dying on a daily basis. Instead of experiencing the closeness I have heard this tragedy can bring my family is riping each other apart. Our boys fight more than they ever have and say very hurtful things to each other. Our oldest son and my husband have always logged horns so to speak but now its horrible they start shouting and you can't stop the hurtful things flying. I am caught in the middle of always trying to patch up the arguments, and truthfully I feel like crawling in the grave with my son. I fight the urge daily to join him, but I think our family needs me, I am usually a strong person but I am feeling so very weak.

Along with this we are trying to go away this weekend just like we have done the last few years, at first we were not going to try and then we thought we have to for the rest of the kids. However all of us are struggling, as I got things prepared to go I came across my sons water ski suit and I just fell apart I am not sure I can do any of this.

I am so very angry on top of everything else, they man who hit our son cannot even be found to charge!! I keep asking what took them so long to even charge this guy to me it is plain he was drinking maybe even doing drugs his ability was impaired, thats it he is guilty!! But no that would just be to right, instead we have to make sure there is enough evidence to charge him, well to me there is I buried my son because of something he did. He is 20 our son was sixteen, it is unfair. THen again I know all of you know about how unfair this stuff is, but it is just killing me.

Sorry for rambling I feel like I am just going to explode, but thanks for listening and I am sincere in saying I wish none of you had to experince this as No parent ever should. Also Kathie thanks for telling me your story I was feeling like I was going crazy as all I ever think about is solving the whole story to what happened to our son that night. I will email you when I get a chance, as you know it takes strength when you feel this way but I try to come to the computer as often as I can. Bye ROxy.

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titoyginasmom

Roxy....Mark's Mom, did you know that the stats on familie after the death of a loved one is 50% divorce? The odds go up dramatically if that loved one was a child! If you are still married after one year you have made it past the "hump" but things will always be tough. Your sons need to see a counselor! Perhaps even get onto an anti-depressant. Kids..teens say things a lot of times about suicide, and the stats are that around 25% will try. Your boys have the added greif of losing a loved one though. The have the survivor's guilt. You know the "why am I alive when he is dead?" This make the odds go up to the point that if a teen talks, or acts in a way that suggest suicide you NEED to take them seriously!

As for the trip this weekend..if you feel like doing it then do it as a family to honor the memories you all made with Mark. The good times. Start them out Roxy! Tell one of Mark's funny baby stories, then ask one of them what the funniest memory they have is. You all might wind up crying, but it is healing. I promise! As to your husband and your oldest bickering..give them a job to do together! Have them clean and decorate Mark's grave for the holiday before you leave. Have them add small flags, perhaps a plant or silk flowers. The catch is they must be gone at least an hour, and must NOT say anything mean to each other while gone. Sort of like when your boys were small and you told them, "If you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all." Yep, just like in Bambi. When they get back act like it is totally normal for them to get along, no big deal. Stop adding to your own stress by stepping in! Just ask them to take it to a boxing ring rather calmly. You'll be amazed by the response. I did it to my husband and Tito a few weeks before Tito died. The looks on thier faces were priceless. Above all remember, if you don't take care of you..who will??

God Bless

Kathie Tito y Gina's Mom

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Roxie, Kathie is so right on the mark. The myth that this kind of tragedy can bring families closer together is just that is so many cases. Not only do we grieve differently as individuals, the loss is going to be reacted to in so many different ways. No ones emotions will ever be at the same level as the others for quite some time, if ever. That doesn't mean that we can't all come to some compromise. I agree with getting the kids counseling, that is very important. Our daughter said something to us after our son's death that made so much sense. She told us she was planning on growing old with him after we were gone and now she was going to be by herself and that was a frightening thought. Your children will still have each other to rely on, but without their brother it is going to be a very changed life. We just never beging to imagine what kind of turmoil we will be going through when a child dies. Go to the beach and make it a time of remembering all the good things about Mark, doing something like this yearly can bring us closer to not only our children's memory, but closer to each other. Will it be easy? Absolutely not, but it is a start and the we have to begin somewhere.

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missingchris

This is what I found posted on my son's website this evening :

Isn't this enough / Sick &. Tired

I realise that you miss Chris, but it's been almost a year, the rest of us would like to move on. It would be nice if you would to. Family functions are horible when you are there. And dakota never stops talkin about his brother. Get conseling and get over it. He's gone.

It's things like this that make parents go swallow a gun or a bottle of pills

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MissingChris,

The depth of our loss is uncomprehensible to these people, they do not know what it is like to live in the bowels of hell, circling the drain, and feel like a dead shell trying to function in a world that seems to exist without us.

Most people think we should be "over it" in a couple weeks what they don't realize is we will NEVER be over it, and our grief waves comes in cycles, sometimes titanic and other times more suttle but they come none the less. We don't know when the next wave will hit. One thing is for sure, if and when they have a child die, they will feel no differently than the rest of us here, they just don't know it yet. CindyD

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titoyginasmom

MissingChris, what a horrible thing to find! It seems rather obvious that it is from family as well, how sad. It has been awful for me, yet I learned quickly that most family didn't want or know how to help. So I created a base of friendships that would give me support. Some from this site even. I haven't read your story (yet) so am not up on what happened a year ago, but I do know that all over our children are up there together waiting for us. I believe with all my heart, that they seek each other out..just as they would have in life. Age mates, classmates, town/city mates etc. to be friends with. If I am right, then I know my Gina is up there making your Chris smile. My Tito is up there being a friend, and many others are there as well. YOU are the one still here. Try gently commenting to family at the next gathering that you passed a major mark in your life. You had an anniversary..just like a birthday. Your Chris' Angel Day came and went. Share what you have done this year, the struggles..the pain..the fear. Then ask that they all understand it will never be "over" for you or Dakota. Be willing to respect their pain, in not knowing how to deal..at the same time offer to talk if they want too. Maybe it will help.

God Bless you..

Kathie Tito y Gina's Mom

**Today marks nine months since my kids died. This month also holds what would have been my son's 19th birthday.

This is what I found posted on my son's website this evening :

Isn't this enough / Sick &. Tired

I realise that you miss Chris, but it's been almost a year, the rest of us would like to move on. It would be nice if you would to. Family functions are horible when you are there. And dakota never stops talkin about his brother. Get conseling and get over it. He's gone.

It's things like this that make parents go swallow a gun or a bottle of pills

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KATHERINESMOM

Thank you for your replies. Katherine died on Friday, July 5, 2002. Today is the 3 year anniversary of her death, technically this will be on Tuesday, July 5. This is going to be a very hard weekend for us. I personally do not celebrate the 4th of July anymore. I know it wasn't the 4th of July's fault for her accident, but I just can't seem to feel good about Independence Day anymore. I recall looking at her calendar the day she died. The 4th was marked "Let Freedom Ring". I find lots of strange things left behind by Katherine. Things that point to her maybe knowing she was not going to be around very long. She wrote within a poem in the 5th grade "Hope to see the age of 16 or 18", she died at 18. I have no faith, but find myself praying to God a lot lately. I am envious of people with a religious faith. Their pain seems to be eased by knowing their child is with God, or is it their faith that sees them through it? I am searching for my faith and I am trying to keep an open mind. Some people say Katherine was so far above her years that she was ready to meet God, she had earned it. I hold to things people say, in an attempt to calm me a friend once said, "Death is not a punishment, it is a reward", I liked that. I also know that this weekend I will get all of those pity looks, you know which one I mean. I will also get a lot of "it's been 3 years, aren't you over it yet", I will never be over it. I am going straight through it and who knows what I will find at the end of my journey. I am on the path, but I walk it physically alone. That is what has brought me here. Your replies to my cry for help were answered and I felt encouragement from your words. It seems like the more time that passes, the more I miss her. I don't ever dream about her and as hard as I try to see signs of her saying "Mom, I am okay", I don't see them. I do see and sense things that should catch my attention, but there is always reasonable doubt or an explanation. I am attempting to open my mind, because my future depends on me knowing Katherine is allright wherever she is. I need to know that she is with us and happy in her new life. I plan to work myself hard this weekend. My other two children and I will see it through together, but I plan on having a little time with just Katherine and myself. I have a living flowerbed at her grave and I spend a lot of time there. I don't believe that she is there, I just know that is where we placed her shell, and I have a strong sense of relief when I am there. I feel she is with me there. It is our spot to spend time together. I have cried a river this week and I will cry a lake by the time it is over, but the days will come and go and I can only take one day at a time for now, but I do look to a day when I can just wake up and flash on Katherine's smile and not immediately go to her death, but to her life. The Love we shared can not be taken, but the death stands in the way of my memories of her life, I can't quit focusing on the death and what it did to our Family. One day I will get there. Until then I will do as I am doing here. I will attempt to find peace in any corner of the world I can get to. Pray for me today and I will pray for you when I can. Thanks for being here for me.

Katherinesmom

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titoyginasmom

Katherinesmom, three years? Wow! I can barely bring myself to imagine tomorrow much less any future dates like that. You asked about faith. Our parish priest asked me if I was mad at God when my children died. My answer was (and still is) No. It would not make sense to be mad at Him (in my opinion) for that anymore than I would because the sky isn't orange. He looked rather amazed and told me that my "faith" would be rewarded. It wasn't faith to me so much as reason. Faith is what gets me up in the morning, Faith lets me cook where I taught Gina to cook, Faith allows me to drive into town past the spot where they died. In one passage of the Bible it talks about having the "faith of a mustard seed." I have thought long and hard about this. To me, what that passage says is you have to believe to grow. Sounds really simple unless you are like us, having lost someone so dear life is almost unimaginable. Faith is believing those "signs" are that and not trying to rationalize them away. Example: the other night someone tried to destroy the memorial site where my kids died. While doing clean up there I kept hearing bells. Not the wind chimes I had hung, but bells like cathedral bells! Until the kids died I had always collected bells, so this was special to me. Plus it is out in the middle of no where....a place you should NOT be able to hear bells. Later the same night my husband's electric razor started buzzing. It was in the OFF posistion!! Ok, maybe there was a short in it? Or maybe my prankster son was saying "hello" to his father? I can't say. That is for my HUSBAND'S faith to decide. See what I mean? Faith is very personal, like an opinion. What it means to me, may not be what it means to you.

God Bless. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathie....Tito y Gina's Mom

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missingchris

Thank you all for your support. My husband and I were devastated by that post. I hope no one else ever has to read such a thing. Peace to you all.

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