Loss of a Teenager

[ribitsmom]

Roxy: As to the Lawyer information, yes, we did hire a law firm to represent us against the R/R…you can find more information on the court system under Loss of a Child and then Grief and the Court System. But the basics are: We lost our daughter Bridgette 2 years ago in a car/train accident. It was first reported that the 4 kids in the vehicle had been drinking and went around the arms…it was then found that none had been drinking and no drugs and it looks as thought they did not go around the arms either. The crossing has had issues for years with the arms not coming down when a train went through, also issues with the arms coming down on vehicles and a train being there immediately. The tracks also go at an angle and you can’t see if there is a train coming…many things that may have caused an accident aside from the obvious car going around the arms.

We were advised…by the police department to obtain a lawyer…immediately, what we got out of that was there were things that didn’t look right to them also. So, one week after the accident we obtained a lawyer. It has now been 2 years and they are setting a trial/mediation date at May of 2006. So we are looking at 3 years, possibly more to finalize this. It is excruciating, because we are in limbo, we don’t have a verdict yet. So, all the 1000’s of people that heard of the accident (it was on National and International news) think that the kids were drinking and went around the arms. If we go through mediation instead of a trial (which the lawyers recommend for speedy results) the rail road kind of gets off scott free…no publicity.

I do recommend getting a lawyer for issues that are not clean cut or have another party that is at fault…but warn that it is a lengthy process. It is also a little bit of a healing process, as it gives you an outlet for your anger…gives you something to focus on aside from your loss. Hope this information helps a little bit.

Denise

[Artina]

This Friday, September 30, at 11:58AM, my son Christopher Anthony Wentworth was born in 1982. As I approach the day of his birthday, I find myself trying to not to think about his death. I can't even focus on his death. I have been keeping myself so busy that I am actually unable to focus- period. I know that this will pass, for it does each year. This birthday will mark the forth birthday without Chris- he will be 23. I miss him so much.

My 16 year old son plays football at the same high school that Chris played. Mike has the same number (42), the same position (mac backer), and the same walk, talk, and look. Both of my son's are complete gifts to me- I am so grateful to have them in my life. Thank you God.

I just wanted to let all of you know that as I approach Chris's birthday I am aware of his presence. We watched a movie the other night- one that none of us wanted to watch, but watched anyway- and the movies' premise was based on finding life's question- that went with the answer of "number 42". Our jaws hit the floor when we heard that. Can you believe it- they were looking for life's question- and the answer was number "42". For those of you that don't know what I am talking about- my son's football number was #42 and that is how we get our HELLO'S from him. When that number shows up- he is saying HELLO and I LOVE YOU. This was amazing and all we can do is shake our heads in disbelief. Thank you Chris for working so hard to let us know that you are with us!

I also can't count the number of 42's that show up at Mike's football game. 42 yard touch down, 42 yard hash mark, 42 yards, number 42, and 42 seconds. All through the game we can feel Chris's presence- he would never have missed one of Mike's football games and I believe that he still wouldn't.

I will keep my eyes and ears peeled for as many hello's as I can get. I know that when we approach special holidays, Chris is usually around and is giving us lot's of Hello's to let us know that he is with us.

Peace to all, Tina

[griffinsmom]

I cannot even imagine four years from now.

Happy Birthday to Chris- and know- he is proud of his Mom (for one reason)- he knows your heart and it is good. I know you have helped me tremendously- and I know our kids want us to continue living- and it seems you have been able to...not without him, but with him, all the way. So- I'd like to drop the other date (although that would be a hard thing to blow over)- but I do feel that I'd like to celebrate birthdays and contributions, and funny stories, and great memories- and afterlife communication stories on a birthday- celebrate the life. God, that is going to be hard, because it seems you have to accept what has happened. As you can see, I am very confused on the situation- but whatever-

Happy Birthday to Chris, may you continue to be with your family, and give them strength to carry on. Good job on a life well lived. Peace to everyone....

[joshsmom]

Artina,

I wanted to wish Chris a Happy Birthday on September 30th! I remembered that you said you shared the same birthday with Josh! I'll be thinking of you and your family tomorrow!

You always have such comfoting words for everyone here, and I wish i could write something to you to bring you that same comfort! Please just know that you are a very special person here, along with everyone else. Your support is very important to me!

Thankyou and hugs to you for tomorrow!

[Artina]

Joshsmom and Griffinsmom,

Thank you for your kind words. It has been a tough couple of days, but I expected it to be. I find that usually the days leading up to "the day" are the most difficult. I have been thinking about what I want to do on his Birthday- and of course nothing seems good enough- and then I start to get overwhelmed. So, I am going to leave the "big" something for the days after his Birthday- it will come to me.

Lot's of love,

Tina

[ashleysmom]

Tina,

My thoughts and prayers are with you as Chris's birthday approaches. I remember Ashley's birthday approaching and the dread that I felt. The day itself was not as bad as I had anticipated. I mourned my baby but I also thanked God that I had been blessed with her for eighteen years. I hope you find peace tomorrow, Dottie

[griffinsmom]

Artina~

Actually- I have had Griffins 18th with him not here. We had a gathering of friends at a local park, painted memorial bricks, had a cake (didnt sing), planted his tree......It was nice to see his friends - but at the same time, so incredibly unfair.

I think the next Griffin b-day I would like to either go have a nice dinner-(he loved food)-and have a seat for him.....OR....stay in bed all day, alone- except maybe some ice cream-, the TV- the AC- and just escape.

Im sure you will find something nice to do- it may just happen spontaneously...its a plus its your birthday, too....you can "celebrate" together.

Much love- peace to you

[hannahrosesmom]

Artina, I hope that you can find some peace and comfort in your heart knowing that Chris and all of us out here in cyberspace are with you and share your pain. Last weekend I knew 4 people that lost a child that were either grieving the angel date or missing another birthday with them. I was overwhelmed with sadness and shed an ocean of tears. Sometimes the senselessness of it all is incomprehensible. I'm so thankful for all you here at Beyond Indigo and my wonderful friends at my Compassionate Friends group. Peace to you all.

Kim aka Hannah's mom forever

[Artina]

Thanks my friends... I appreciate all of your support. Griffinsmom, Chris like food too and that is on my list of things to get for his Birthday. We will get his favorite pizza and his favorite cake. But, I really want to do something that goes out into the Universe and causes a positive ripple. I will probably donate to a "cause".

Thanks all.

Peace to you, Tina

[marksmom]

Hi To All,

Artina, I wanted to congratulate you on the celebration of your sons birthday.

I hope you get through the day as best you can, remember that is all any of us can do.

I think it is important to somehow celebrate the day, however we also need to take care of ourselves during this horrible ordeal so do whatever feels best for you. I am positive your son will understand and like what ever it is you do.

Bye Roxy.

[griffinsmom]

Artina~

Does Chris have a website? If not, maybe that would be a good thing- I love Griffins' site, and there are actually three- a beyond indigo site, a xanga site-and a memory-of. Plus, I have Griffins buddy list so I can keep in touch with them.

I have noticed that the kids do stuff with their friends and lose their lives- and we as parents are left alone to carry the sadness. Its so hard to watch life go on....

Hey- Happy B-Day to you and Chris.

[katebe]

Artina, am sending strength, love and peace to you today on Chris's birthday. To Chris I say: "HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY AND PLEASE SEND YOUR LOVE TO YOUR MOM. GOD HAS YOU IN HIS KEEPING BUT YOUR MOM HAS YOU IN HER MOM HEART"

May this day be filled with peace as you remember your dear son. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Judy - Mpundu's Mom

[Artina]

Thank you Judy for your thoughts and prayers.

Griffinsmom, Chris does not have a website. In the first two years I made two websites, but have since then let them go. I used the "free" ones and they only last for a year. I may do another one, but I don't feel a real pull to do that.

My best friend came over last night and brought a balloon, candle, and a dessert with Chris's favorite candy in it (whoppers). It was very thoughtful and very welcomed. I appreciated that so much. She is so good about remembering our son and the fact that he still resides in our hearts. I thank God for her.

I think for today... I will do nothing and expect nothing from myself. Today is ten steps from the top of a mountain. I will make it, but I will have to give it my all.

Thank you everybody for your support and your kind thoughts and prayers. Even after almost four years we have very difficult days. However, please don't lose hope, because I am better on an overall bases.

[kirksdad]

Tina, thank you so much for your message of hope, I know that sometimes we feel like there is none, especially in those first years. It is so hard to understand even as we get a little ways along. These special dates are hard no matter how much better we feel, they can seem to be a little of a set back, but as you know we keep plugging along and look to the fact that we were so much better off to have known our children for the time we had. I know that time seems fleeting as we look back, but they were a gift, a wonderful gift that we will always have with us each moment of every day. You and Chris are in my thoughts and prayers today. Jim

[sarasmom]

I haven't posted in awhile. Been having a hard time. Last night I went to the homecoming parade. I saw the paramedic that was the first one to the car the night Sara died. I saw all the kids she went to school with smiling and laughing. You could go into the school to get food and I went in and looked at her locker. I talked to some of her friends. Last night I slept in Sara's room in her bed. I felt comfortable and warm. I think I'll sleep there again tonight.

Jo

[Artina]

Jim,

You are so right... It's hard in a different way- isn't it. Thank you for your support over the years and for thinking about us on Chris's Birthday.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Sarasmom,

I can identify with what you are talking about. Seeing kids that went to school with Chris is a very difficult reality- to say the least. Some of them are finishing up with college, having children, and getting married. It's hard to see that and not see what else we have lost. I guess the only thing we can do is talk about it, pray about it, write about it, and hope that a miracle will help ease the pain. I know that after seeing them over and over the experience starts to lose it's shock value.

I too find much comfort in Chris's room. The energy is so peacefull.

Peace to you, Tina

[ribitsmom]

Tina and Sarasmom - I can understand the pain of seeing these kids move on with there lives also...but what I did to help me is take many of these kids under my wing...mother them as much as I can, and believe it or not, they allowed it. Maybe you can never have too much mothering? We lost Bridge the in her Senior year and I wasn't ready for attending the graduation of that class, it was just too painful, but now these kids have girlfriends or boyfriends, having baby's, going for higher education, getting cool jobs and I finally feel better when I hear about what they are moving into, within their lives...they allow me to be a part of it and I think that I finally can without comparing (too much) where Bridgette would be 'if only'. I do still get a pang, but it is so much different than it was the first year. I think this is part of the exceptance of my loss. I hate that word, exceptance. Maybe I am just allowed to feel for all these other kids without comparing to Bridge and what might have been's.

Denise

[Artina]

Ribitsmom,

I was open to that. However the boy's that my son hung around with aren't looking for a "mother" figure. Infact, they have moved on in their lives- they are more like young men now (23 and 24). I think the worst part was in the first year, because after four years it has gotten better. Initially, it was hard.

Peace to you, Tina

[titoyginasmom]

Hi everyone. It has been a while since I posted last. We managed to survive Hurricane Rita...I live in one of the disaster zoned counties. Being without power gave me a LOT of time to think. More than I needed really. This past Saturday (Oct 1st) was the one year mark since the kids' wreck. We managed to release some balloons, then had dinner with the widow of the man who was driving the other car. His children were here as well. Poor kids' grandparents seem to somehow blame the widow, and refuse to see the two kids who are 3 and 5 years old. So my husband and I have become sort of defacto grandparents. It felt so good to have many voices in my home! My son's best friend came by, many other kids either showed up or called over the weekend. Gina's best friend is in boot camp, but managed to get a call to me Saturday morning. My two remaining children had some friends stop by for them as well. Even my remaining daughter's boyfriend came by. We weren't sure he would since he and my Tito hated each other. **grin**

Now it is easier to survive each day. I am no longer surviving minute by minute...now I can think hour by hour. So I guess I have made progress. Still FEELS like yesterday though.

God Bless...

Kathie...forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[ribitsmom]

Kathie/Tito and Gina's mom...I am so glad you made it through the hurricane...this discussion group seems so quiet that I have wondered how many have been caught in Katrina or Rita...I am thankful you and your's are all ok.

It sounds as though you have formed a great relationship with the widow and her children, I am so glad for that. I have also built a great friendship with the mother of a child (20) in the accident with my daughter. It has helped so much to be able to talk with someone that is experiencing the same emotions as you, at the same time.

I also needed to grin when you said that Tito and your daughters boyfriend didn't get along...my son had issues with my daughter having relationships...he hated all of the boys she liked.

Aren't kids great? Welcome back.

Denise

[titoyginasmom]

Thanks for the welcome back Denise! I do have to say that perhaps the boards are quiet due to school restarting, homecomings, and preparing ourselves for the holidays...again. The hurricanes have made the Texas and Louisana area a living nightmare, however we can/will rebuild.

You were correct in why Tito hated his sisters' boyfriends. LOL He felt that no one was good enough. My younger son is now taking the brother role very seriously. *grin* He has decided that "if my brother wouldn't have approved of him (any guy) than neither will I." Too funny to see a 14 year old cross examining his 17 year old sister's boyfriends. I figure it this way...at least I find some humor even if my daughter is peeved for a while.

Have a good day all....

Kathie...forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[Artina]

TitoyGinasmom,

I too want to welcome you back and to acknowledge your children's angel date. I too am touched by your outreach to the widow. You are a kind and loving person.

Peace to you, Tina

[ribitsmom]

Oh What a bad day...I am so afraid that I am going to lose my son in an accident also. In April he was 4 wheeling and hit something and was thrown 100 feet and broke his back...he is doing better. Today he was coming home from his girlfriends house and it was storming pretty bad...he rolled his truck. My husband and I had to go up to the seen of the accident...that was not a site I want to remember. The truck was upside down, the drivers side was buried in water more than waist deep, my son had to kick the window out to get out of the truck, it scared the hell out of me. He has someone (his sister) watching out for him. It just brings it all back and scares me so bad, I don't think I could survive loosing another. I just couldn't do it.

[titoyginasmom]

Oh What a bad day...I am so afraid that I am going to lose my son in an accident also. In April he was 4 wheeling and hit something and was thrown 100 feet and broke his back...he is doing better. Today he was coming home from his girlfriends house and it was storming pretty bad...he rolled his truck. My husband and I had to go up to the seen of the accident...that was not a site I want to remember. The truck was upside down, the drivers side was buried in water more than waist deep, my son had to kick the window out to get out of the truck, it scared the hell out of me. He has someone (his sister) watching out for him. It just brings it all back and scares me so bad, I don't think I could survive loosing another. I just couldn't do it.

Denise, I know exactly what you mean! After losing Tito and Gina I have become nearly obsessive over the safety of the rest of my family. I think I am driving my husband nutty. The kids seem to understand though. Has your son taken a defensive driving course? I don't mean the one that is all book work either...I mean the one that some police departments teach while driving. If he hasn't you might want to look for one. Try calling your county clerk's office. Those ladies usually know more than people give them credit for. **wink** My 17 year old has already taken hers. Believe me I felt a LOT better when she passed it.

Tina, thank you also for the warm welcome back. I am not sure I could have done anything differently with the widow. She and her kids are all so sweet and caring. Plus every person killed that day lived within six blocks of each other. Since we are from a tiny community, it only makes sense that we knew each other, and would still see each other afterwards. I try to teach my kids by example, so reaching out was not a hard thing for me. I believe it is what our Lord Jesus would have done.

Kathie.....forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[marksmom]

Hello to All,

I am happy to hear that those of you who had to endure the hurricans are all okay, I honestly don't know if I could live in those areas on a regular basis. Just the other day we were talking about our weather and I said as much as I hate our Alberta weather at least we do not have hurricanes but I guess whatever we get used to we go with?

Kathie, I was glad to hear Tito and Gina's angel date went well,it sounds like the day went as well as could be expected and I think having the other children around you would be helpful. I know when my house is full, life is just better. I am also glad that you have connected with the other family who lost their husband and father, I think that is likely a great benefit to all of you.

As for my house a few things have been going on, we have met with the engineer and he has almost completed the entire investigation. In one way I want it to hurry up in others I can wait. I guess I am scared I am going to get angrier than I already am. Two of the boys that were with my son the night of the accident came over we were able to speak with one of the alot (the other one was with our younger son playing) my husband came right out and said we have always enjoyed you boys and we know that Mark cared about you. We also know as do everyone else in the case that you have all lied, why we are not sure and don't really care we just know that if you would tell us our grief would likely go much easier than now. He also said you have a few weeks until we get the entire report, after that we will not stop until everything has been dealt with. So you maybe talk it over amongst yourselves and should you see fit come and talk to us tell us about that night, the truth. The young man just nodded.

He did say a few things that night that have haunted me, like they all knew the other boy had been drinking and he "might" have been doing pot earlier??

I can't tell you what this does to me, I think our son just died because this kid made a stupid judgement call that night!! It eats me up inside, Mark hated drugs and was appauled when people chose to drink and drive. What a concept, Why then did he need this to happen, he followed the rules............

Sometimes when I come here I cry because I read that many people are making headway and I wonder why I seem to be stuck?? I read many people have hard times, but seem to move forward in a sense, why not me?

Truthfully I think I am supposed to so to speak be the councellor, I help families. Now when my own needs me I am falling apart, today I didn't think I could move it took until almost noon for me to get going. Yup, I got the other kids off and said the right things. Then I crashed, I think I don't want to do this anymore, it hurts like hell!! (sorry). I miss him so much my body aches, I sit and look at his picture and just wonder. I try and read to see if I can understand what I am feeling? I try to find out where my son is, why is it some moms can know, why can't I!!

Sorry I didn't post for a few days cause I couldn't, I don't know sometimes what to say...........I feel for everyone. In know way would I wish this loss on anyone, I cannot think of anything worse at this time. I was thinking today maybe I am in a self pity mode, who knows??

My husband said last night that he didn't know where he was at, that he was okay at times and then others he isn't. HE said I am scared for you? I don't know where you are at? I said I know I don't either. I guess I could look at this as progress neither one of us knows anything about what we are experienceing??

Our youngest boy only sleeps in spurts, unfortunatley he seems to be in oppositve spurts of ours so by the time I get up again I feel like I have been hit by a truck through the night. Its like up and down all night long. Our son is having so many dreams and thoughts and since our accident last week he now has bad headaches. He said last night mom maybe something is wrong and I am dying, I said no honey you just have a headache. Don't worry you will be okay you are not going to die. He then says mom you can't say that look what happened to Mark.

HE's right everything I thought I controled I have discovered I don't. I can't control or do anything, I can't even keep my own children safe.........

Then is that what I live for.................

SO many questions this grief causes, I wonder all the time about everything.

Has anyone found away to stop your mind? TO take a grief break as they say?

THanks so much for listening, more than anything else I needed to say what I am feeling, sorry it is all over the place.

Take care of each other, bye Marksmomforever (Roxy)

[ribitsmom]

Oh Roxy- I feel for you soooo much. What I noticed the first year after the accident was that every day was too much trouble to even bother. Like you said...you couldn't get going until noon and it took everything you had to get the kids off to school. What I noticed was the lack of desire to do anything...even now after 2 years I have this problem. But even laying around, moping, you can't sleep...nothing seems to help. My daughter is on my mind every minute of every day. In the beginning (where you are now) it was the "what if's" and how awful life and God are and how unfair it is and can I make it change. I still feel that way now, but in between all that I feel like I can talk to Bridge at any time now. I use her as a bouncing board. When I wanted to quit smoking and loose weight I talked to Bridge and asked her to help me...I joked with her, like she was there with me. Now that I have started to loose the weight (but couldn't quit the smoking)I can talk to her regularly about problems I am having.

I guess what I am trying to say is that she has become a comfort to me in a way that she wasn't before...in otherwords, she is always there. It sounded bad, a comfort that she wasn't before, I don't mean that the way it sounds, just that our relationship (and we still have a relationship) is different now.

Other things that helped, and this was forced on me by my mom (thank you mom)I planted a perenial garden...actually, 2 of them. Yard work helps me, fund raisers for the scholarship fund helps, the lawyers investigation of the accident helps...things that are moving you in a positive direction...but you have to FORCE yourself to start. It's not easy to make the first steps, it is almost like a betrail to your child, that you can do constructive things and they are not here to do them, you can smile or maybe even (god forbid) laugh, and they can't; you feel guilt for all of these things in the beginning. But when you can get your brain into a different mindset you can tell yourself that you are doing these things for Mark...and he would want that. He would want you happy, or as happy as you are ever going to be.

You are still SOOOO new to this loss that I am sure every day is just as bad as the last, like nothing will ever get better. Force yourself to take walks, run, swim...activity helps. In time I think you will find that a day went by and you didn't feel like a pile of mush, you may have even cracked a smile and when that happens you can look up and say; "Thanks Mark, Love you too".

Denise

[kirksdad]

Kathie, Tito and Gina have to be so proud of you. I can't imagine to begin with what you have had to endure and now all that goes with the hurricane. What you did on the first anniversary had to help you feel a lot of love. That first year is hard anyway, I really admire your spirt. It is so very hard to go through what we go through, but losing both Tito and Gina, I can only imagine.

Being able to be around friends and family like that, on days we will all be going through, can not only lift spirits, but give us all hope. Hope in the fact that many try to understand and love our children with all thier hearts.

[daleandbetty]

We have also been extremely busy the last few weeks. We made a difficult decision to buy our remaining son a new snowmobile. We had decided last year tha we would buy one for the boys to share but after Travis's death we just sort of left it alone. Our sons both loved riding every type of motorized machine there is and just because Travis was killed on his motorcycle how can we expect Corey to stop what he has been doing since he learned to walk. I test drove the snowmobile (600 cc racing model) and now I'm not sure we made the right decision. Corey is old enough to know how dangerous it is and is a very safe rider however Travis also was very safe. I worry that the other kids will cause an accident or will hit Corey. He has some friends that like to show off and that's usually when things happen. He is planning on racing the snowmobile and I know exactly what my friends and neighbours are thinking but will not say to us. How do we change our whole way of life? When I was younger I raced 3 wheelers and grew up on motorcycles. It's just not possible to change that. It's been a couple of months and we are all still having a hard time sleeping. Today we finally ordered Travis's tombstone, another difficult job done.

[marksmom]

Hello to All,

Denise thank you very much for your feedback and insight it really helps me when I get this way, it seems so wierd for me to be needing a kick from someone my whole life I have been the advisor and councellor. Thanks alot, Roxy

Dale and Betty, I can really identify with your dilema as we are in the same boat. Our boys have been on machines most of their lives and until this to tell you the truth I did not worry alot. They have always been careful and followed the rules. I know in my heart if this had not happened I would have continued to let them ride.

Our problem differs at bit as Mark first got a motorbike and worked to pay it off however we were his backers then he wanted to trade it off for a new Honda 450E and we agreed and bought it for him. He worked on our farm to help pay it off, he was so proud of that quad. Every ounce of money he had went into new stickers, pipes, chrome etc. We had our own jump track and everything. I watched our boys so many times on the bikes, quads, ski doo, etc. Marks accident was not his fault the guy who hit him was drinking and had very poor operating skills, yet he walks away without a scratch. SInce the accident the quad has sat on the back of Marks truck and since the investigation was going on we have not done anything with the quad. Our youngest son was to buy a quad this year and start the same process Mark did, however now he would really like to just have Marks quad. We planned to fix it but after that we have no idea. IT was something that brought so much joy to Mark and our other boys, how can I hate quading? On the other hand can I really watch our son get on the very vehicle Mark was killed on? I don't know, we are really torn. And just as you described I have had friends, relatives etc add their thoughts on it which most of them say get rid of it or how could you stand to have it around. But they don't understand, I mean I am not sure what to do yet, but I know it is very difficult

I know this doesn't exactly help you any, but I just thought it would help for you to know that others are facing the same sort of decission. Should you figure something out that helps you can you let me know? There have been times I have been reading your posts and thought I cannot believe how both our tragedies have so many similarities. Maybe some time we could just chat about our experience this far, as if I remember correctly this is all very new to you also. Our sons accident was in March this year.

Take care all, bye Roxy.

[Artina]

Roxy,

I understand... I felt the same way- stuck. I don't feel stuck anymore. Please know that you are doing everything right and right is right for you. Just keep talking, writing, sleeping, and getting out of bed. Somewhere and somehow it does get better.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Ribitsmom,

I too worry so much about losing my living son. It scares me like no other. I am sorry that you had to endure such a tramatic experience and at the same time I am grateful that your son is okay. I guess worrying is just part of it and we'll do the best we can. That's all anyone can do.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

DaleandBetty,

My son died from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident- but he had only been on one twice prior to his accident. I think we have to make decisions that are comfortable to us and make sure we have all the facts. And then we have to sell our living kids on our decision. That's the hard part. They still want to LIVE and we want to protect. I'm not sure how to deal with this one. I do know one thing though- I make decisions that I can live with in case something does happen.

I often think about all the things that my son never got to do, because I felt like they were unsafe. The one thing that I thought would be safe- took his life. The irony here is that I kept him from living life to it's fullest and thought I was protecting him, yet he still died. Thus, I believe that all we can do is educate them and let them live a fun and healthy life.

Peace to you, Tina

[titoyginasmom]

Roxy, I barely know where to start. I (like you) know well the old saying "physcian heal thyself." However we all need to admit if only to ourselves...we are human too! Regardless of what your job is, you hurt. Kirk as a teacher knows exactly what you are feeling, as a doc so do I. Looking back on my career, I can say I was not always as sympathetic as I could have been. My cases where just that..facts and figures never real people. Oh I can say that as a Medical Examiner I had to seperate my feelings to do the job correctly...BUT did I really ever stop to try to imagine what the familes were feeling? Think of it this way...you are now able to be a BETTER councilor than ever before because you KNOW first hand what these families are feeling.

DaleandBetty, like you I grew up on 'cycles. By the time I was 12 I was rebuilding dirtbikes after we wrecked them in the desert. LOL Looking back I wonder how I survived so much. I really believe that BOTH of your sons were/are safe drivers, however so few people even seem to see motorcycles/dirtbikes. Now your younger son has first hand knowledge of what can happen so I think it will make him even safer. Suggestion? Try telling him exactly what your fears are. Be honest and open with him. I have had several l-o-n-g talks with Krystal since Tito and Gina died about driver's safety with all vehiciles. She now knows why I cringe when she goes somewhere, but I don't try to stop her from being a teenager either. That would be wrong. Tito and Gina were allowed freedom, so should my remaining two. I think it boils down to this:

If we have raised our children to understand freedom, sacrifice, and loss then they will 9 times out of 10 make safe choices. Especially after the death of a sibling(s).

Kathie........forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[ribitsmom]

Kathie - Oh, what a wise woman you are. I have been racking my brain, trying to think of a way to give Roxy that bit she needs to not give up or give in...but you said it so clearly.

As for Dale and Betty, You again hit it on the head...but I would like to add that we really need to teach our kids to be defensive in all the choices they make; be it, 4 wheels, 2 wheels, walking, running, swimming or skiing. Alway watch for the unexpected and be prepared. We can send our kids out for the mail and they may never come back into the house...there is danger everywhere and we really can't put our kids in a bubble...but we can do our darnedest to teach them everything they need to survive.

Denise

[hannahrosesmom]

After our friend JJ was killed in July in a motorcycle/vehicle accident, my sons friends freaked on on him about riding his motorcycle. They felt that since JJ got killed while riding one then my son Zach should never ride one. Zach's reply was, "well my sister was killed in a car accident, should I never drive a car again?" I too cringe every time he leaves the house, he's my only child now. In the past year after losing his sister and a friend, he's acutely aware of the dangers out there on the road. I agree the best we can do is explain our fears, which I have done with Zach, but we still have to let them get on with their "normal" lives, I believe that's the only way we can help/let them heal.

[kevinsmom102]

I wasn't sure how this message board works, so I am going to try again. My son Kevin, was murdered on September 3, 2005 by a 16 year old coward. Two groups of boys were involved in a fist fight when this kid plunged an 8" knife into my son's chest. Kevin was 17 years old. He turned 18 on October 2, 2005. I am so grief stricken that I wish I would just die. Kevin was my only child. How on earth do you get through this? I've never really been a religious person. My father died at 39 when I was 19 years old and I have had a problem with God ever since. This put me over the edge with God. The holidays are coming and I'm so unglued now I don't know what to expect. Can anyone shed any light for me? Thank you.

[hannahrosesmom]

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your son. All of us here know the pain and sorrow you are feeling and the horror you are experiencing and will go through. I am also saddened that yet another person has to go through this, we will all help you with our collective experience and give you the much needed support you'll need to help you through this. How this board works is you come here and say what you feel and pour out your grief. Tell us about your son, we would love to know him better.

[hannahrosesmom]

Kevinsmom, I forgot to mention, my heart was so busy feeling your pain, to find the closest Compassionate Friends group. They are a wonderful organization/support group that is here for bereaved parents to help you through this nightmare. I have been going to one in Maplewood, MN since my beloved daughter Hannah was killed Oct 15, 2004 in a car accident. She was my only daughter and my soul mate. It will be a year a week from Saturday since I lost her and can finally say in truth, in time, you will find the hope and strength you'll need to survive. I couldn't have done it without The Compassionate Friends and Beyond Indigo. Peace to you,

Kim aka Hannah's mom

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

[Artina]

Kevinsmom102,

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is bigger than one could ever explain. I lost my 19 year old son from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident almost four years ago. Beyond Indigo has been a great support group for me. We share our feelings, support, pain, and whatever we need to share to get through each day. The great thing about Beyond Indigo support group is that we don't have to use what doesn't work for us. Thus, take what information works and leave what doesn't. We understand. Grief is unique to each person and thus there is no one set way to do it. Be gentle on yourself and take the time you need to just function. The basic's are the most important right now- eat, sleep, fluids and support.

Peace to you, Tina

[sarasmom]

Dear Kevinsmom

You have come to the right place for some healing. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I had the strangest thing happens to me this week. Tuesday night I was sitting out in my yard in the dark crying and looking at the stars. I said there are no Angels and there is no God. The very next morning I had a lady come to my door and she told me God told her to come to me and bring me these books to read. I never met this lady before but she had talked to Sara a few times when she would ride her bike past our house and Sara would be outside walking. Anyway we talked and we prayed. I didn't even think about what I had said the night before until after she left. The next day ((yesterday) she came back with a Christmas tree, Xmas decorations, food, xmas music. Everything but the kitchen sink. I had told her I was skipping Christmas this year and she came with all this stuff. Now my house looks like Christmas in October... I truly think this lady is an Angel and God sent her to me because he knew I needed help and was losing Faith. I am taking this as a sign from God. Please don't give up on God. He doesn't give up on us and I found that out first hand.

Love

Jo

Forever Sara's mom

[kirksdad]

Kevinsmom102, trying to find the light after what you have been through is going to take some time. Losing one's only child is beyond comprehension for many of us, but there are some that post here and on the loss of an adult child strand that can relate, somewhat, to what you are going thorugh.

To have a child taken in a senseless violent way is just not comprehensible. I wish I had some words that could help you with the religious thing, but that is something we all struggle with daily. I still feel the spirit of God, but my beliefs when it comes to my church, or any church, for that matter has been totally changed. We never consider the fact of having to go through this so we are never prepared, never able to totally understand, never able to completely "get over" it as some would say. We can adjust, compensate, and just plain try like hell to make a different life. What we do have is all the moments our kids were with us locked up tight inside of us and although right now that doesn't seem like much, in time we all seem to come to the conclusion we were better of with them in our lives for the short amount of time we had them. This loss is devastating both physically and mentally and talking with others about it can make a difference. You need to take care of yourself. Jim

[marksmom]

Hello to All,

Not sure who is out there tonight again my usual time its 3;30am and sleep is know where in sight. I was wondering what did it feel like before this, its hard to imagine sometimes? I was thinking how did I really sleep the night before we lost our son? I also now look in the mirror and don't recognize that person, I wonder in the end will I ever look like I used to. So many days now I put on a face, the one that hides my feelings and I wonder will I ever truly smile or laugh the way I used to??? Just my thoughts for the night.

Thanks so much for the "UPLIFT" somehow you all seem to say the right thing at the right moment and you make me get through another day. Tina and Kathie I can't thank you enough. I wish I could give some kindof support or advice or insight?? but for now I am the student and I am treading in an area I feel I have know knowledge in.......But I can listen and take direction so if there is anything I can do or say to be of some help please advise me as I feel bad taking so much and not giving back.

I do have a question if someone could answer it. I know many of you attend Compassionate Friends Meetings and although I don;t know where everyone is located it sounds to me like many of you are in the states? By chance does anyone know of a CFin Alberta Canada?? I have gone to the website but it only gives info or chapters in the states, I can't seem to get info on Alberta. If someone knows can you let me know? Also is there any other web sites you go to that are helpful??

Take care and be kind to yourself, have the best holiday weekend that you can. Do what ever you can to get through it. bye Roxy.

[marksmom]

Hi Kevinsmom,

I am sorry about the loss of your son, and I welcome you to this great site!

I hope you can find some comfort in knowing others here will not imagine what you are going through they will KNOW what you are going through. Although we all wish none of us would need such a place to come to it is very comforting to communicate with others here as we speak from experience rather than imagination. It is true though none of us endure the same grief journey and we each survive this in different ways however we do all have common experiences dealing with this so at least we can share some of our experience. I have found since I lost our son that I communicate better with others here than I do with people I have known my whole life. It is hard to explain but I find when I come here I am not as scared to say some of the craziness I feel.

I have also found the most caring and supportive individuals here, yes acutually all of them. I am a fairly NEW to this as our son passed away in March 2005 and to be honest I am not in the greatest frame of mind (to say the least). BUT one thing I do still have is my ability to judge personalities and character traits, and the people here are all good. I am not sure how but I have not heard any one hurt anyone or get angry at someone, nothing not a thing everyone just gets along. Some days have been so difficult, at times I just don't think I can go on...............its those moments I stop in here and something picks me up and I continue on.

So I hope that you can get some support from this site, and although I have nothing to offer in the way of insight at this time I can listen and understand and offer my experience. Please keep posting and do whatever you need to get through the day. Take each moment by moment.

I also thank you for the email and I have sent you one also, I wish I had something to say to ease your pain but this pain is like no other I have experienced and I don't believe there is much one can say or do to elieviate the pain.

Bye For now, Roxy.

[marksmom]

Hi,

My husband and I went to the Sylvia Brown show last night and I was truly impressed. I have read her books for several years and have seen her on tv but seeing and hearing her in person was really something.

THis concert was all about life this and that side of life, and she seems to have so much insight into "Life and Death". I could not believe the questions she answered for people. My only regret about the evening was I did not get to ask her a question. I am going to try and see if we can actually get a reading with her? I think for me it would help me so much. I will never get over losing our son, but I so wish I could find some knowledge in he whereabouts? I know some of you may think that is crazy, but right now that is one of my biggest nightmares, is where is he? What happened that night, why did those kids lie? Is someone on the other side with him? Well the questions are endless, but a few of them would give me some peace of mind, (I think).

I was wondering have any of you read her books, and I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions if you would share them with me?

Be good to yourself you deserve it, bye Roxy.

[titoyginasmom]

I wasn't sure how this message board works, so I am going to try again. My son Kevin, was murdered on September 3, 2005 by a 16 year old coward. Two groups of boys were involved in a fist fight when this kid plunged an 8" knife into my son's chest. Kevin was 17 years old. He turned 18 on October 2, 2005. I am so grief stricken that I wish I would just die. Kevin was my only child. How on earth do you get through this? I've never really been a religious person. My father died at 39 when I was 19 years old and I have had a problem with God ever since. This put me over the edge with God. The holidays are coming and I'm so unglued now I don't know what to expect. Can anyone shed any light for me? Thank you.

Kevin's Mom,

Sweetie I must agree with the general comments you have gotten so far. I found this place while doing a google search on grief. I am so very glad I did! You see I lost two children on October 1, 2004. My husband and I truely have a "Yours, Mine and Ours" thing going on. He had two daughters, I had three, then we had one together. My Tito and my Gina were killed in a car wreck that took me MONTHS to prove wasn't my son's (he was driving) fault. His car was hit from behind, throwing his car into oncoming traffic. As for what to expect from the holidays...well they will seem surreal since a large part of you is missing. Probably your main reason for celebrating to begin with. I suggest that you stop trying to "plan ahead" to anything. Just remember that your son had to scoot before he crawled, then he crawled, then he walked...and THEN he was able to run. This next year will be much the same. You will learn to take each day, each minute at a time. It will never ever be something you just "get over." However you will begin to believe that you will survive this awful reality you find yourself in. I also find myself believing the others are right in their general discussion of God and religion. You see I had our parish priest ask me if I was "mad at God" after my kids died. I had to tell him "no" since to me being mad at God for taking my kids makes no sense! That would be like being mad at HIM for the sky being blue, or the grass green. My anger wouldn't hurt him..only me. I would be cutting myself off from HIM when all HE has shown was love. Just because I can't see HIS plan, doesn't mean HE doesn't have one. You see? I wish you peace of mind in remembering that God loved us so much BEFORE we were born, that he sent his ONLY son to die for our sins. Who here at this site cannot understand the depth of that grief he must have felt? Who can say that the don't REALLY understand His love for us shown by this act. Yes, of course, Jesus rose three days later...but is that really any different from His Promise of eternal life? I really believe that I will see my children again! What seems like wasted days full of dispair will seem like only a moment compared to the eternity I will share with them. Does this mean I don't miss my kids? Of course not! I have my ups and downs like we all do. I was even at the point of suicide, yet I found the strength to continue.

I have a challenge for you. It is in two parts...ready? I challenge you to ask yourself what would your son want for you. I also challenge you to start watching for signs that he IS still around you. (Example; Tito loved windchimes even as an infant. Now whenever I pass windchimes even when there is NO wind, the tinkle just a tiny bit. Gina loved animals and took joy from their unconditional love. I now have a husky pup that reminded me so much of her love for life...that I named it after her!) I could list many many other examples from just this last six months, but perhaps others from this site will do it? This way you'll see that we all have had our own experiences.

God Bless you always. If you'd like to talk to me more, just email me at KJLyttlbyt@aol.com.

Kathie.......forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[titoyginasmom]

Roxy,

I really don't see that I said anything you didn't already know, but I am glad to have helped in some small way. Perhaps you suffered from a case of not seeing the forest for the trees? In any case, you have helped many here and in the private sector I am sure! I now several times YOU have been the one to give me that little extra push I needed. Just knowing I can come here when I am out of strength kind of gives me strength. (I hope that made sense.) The early morning hours are the worst for me. I also have had problems sleeping since my kids died. I have, however, stopped taking sleeping pills. I hated the feeling I woke up with too much. Plus I have learned to nap when I can to make up for the lack of night sleep. Even an hour seems to make a huge difference.

Kathie...forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[danielsmom]

Hi Roxy, To find a compassionate friends meeting in Alberta go to the website

www.tcfcanada.net and click on chapter locater, it will give you a list of locations in Alberta.

I know this weekend will be hard not sure what to be thankful for this thanksgiving.

Take care

Danielsmom Wendy

[kevinsmom102]

Thank you to everyone for your comments. It sounds like I may have hit the jackpot in finding a place to speak. Each day seems to get harder for me. Has anyone else in this group lost a child to murder? I think that is what eats at me most of all is the way that it happened to my precious son. No child deserves to die in any manner, but the thought of somebody intentionally taking his life is beyond comprehension. I am going to a Compassionate Friends meeting in Maryland on November 3rd. A lot of people have told me that they couldn't have made it through without them. I wish I knew that my son was okay wherever he is.

[kevinsmom102]

I am also so very sorry for all of your losses. I have read a lot of these posts, and I must say that I\'m not sure that I\'m more in tune to teenagers now dying be it car crashes, etc. becuase of Kevin\'s death, but somehow in my head I feel that death should not happen to children. It\'s not the natural way of life. I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but it sounds like that is all I hear now on TV, newspapers, etc. is the death of a child. I'm crying as I am writing this note because I just cannot see any light through this tunnel.