Loss of a Teenager

[hannahrosesmom]

I’m having another one of those days where I just cannot deal with Hannah’s death. It’s incomprehensible to me how unhappy I am. I don’t know if that last sentence made any sense to anyone else but it does to me. She’s been gone 8 ½ months and the loneliness pit just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of quicksand, actually, I wish I were. There are only 2 things keeping me going, that is my 20 year old son and my sister. My husband and I sort of live together. He can’t handle my grief and doesn’t come home for days on end. Hubby traveled extensively for his job and wasn’t anywhere near as close to the kids as I am. I know he has intense feelings of guilt because of it, but as we all know we all grieve differently and he must not be able to deal with my pain. He keeps himself busy with his frineds and working on cars and motorcycles leaving me to myself most the time. And believe me, being left alone with the thoughts that go through my head is NOT a good thing. Not only am I incredibly lonely for Hannah I also have feelings of being deserted. My sister recently found out she’s pregnant with her first child, she’s 11 years younger than I, so she’s lucky enough to have something happy to focus her life on. I am very happy for her and even excited about the new baby as much as I can possibly be, but it also tears me up that Hannah won’t be here for her new cousin. My sister had such a hard time telling me the news because she knew how hard it would be for me. My son chooses to keep himself too busy to think about it. I’m so afraid that someday it will come back and haunt him, lousy choice of words…sorry. He does talk about her every once in a while but only in short spurts. I don’t like to push him to talk about it for fear of driving him away. Yesterday she would have returned from her trip from Austria and broke my heart all day thinking about how much I want her to come home. I hate getting up in the morning and not be able to wake her up the way I did so many times before. I’d sit on her bed, play with her beautiful long brown hair and softly snort in her neck calling her name and hear her groan Moooom!!!! When she’d finally roll out of bed she’d come to me for a long hug. She was so affectionate, something I hold so dear coming from a 16 year old. She’d call me at work when she got home from school to tell me about her day and I’d rush home after work to see her smiling face and hear her silly giggle. In the evenings after long conversations or snuggling together on the couch watching a tv or a movie, she’d still knock on my door before she went to bed to come in for one last conversation. It’s so hard to not have that anymore. All my love and affection came from her and now it’s all gone. Although my son and I also share a close relationship, it’s very different than what I had with Hannah. He is now talking about moving out soon and the thought of trying to deal with empty nest syndrome on top of Hannah’s death is just too much to handle. I haven’t even touched on the anger and rage I feel towards the girl who was driving that night. I didn’t know I was capable of such mean and vindictive ideas but the hurt just makes me want to make her hurt as much as I do and as long as I do. I’m sure that sounds awful but there it is and I can’t help how I feel. She didn’t take Hannah’s life into consideration when she turned in front of that car and completely destroyed my life. I’m hoping someday to get my anger under control but for now I guess I just have to learn to live with it. I’m sorry for rambling, I’m just wallowing in pain today and had to let it out somewhere……..

[kirksdad]

Hannahrosesmom, I wish that it was easy to deal with all the emotions that we go through, but sad fact is that it is very, very hard. I understand the bond one can have with one child over another because we are all individuals and each child is a person all their own. They have their own way of dealing with everything. Kirk was my special child and I did everything with him. It seems like we did the father takes care of son, mother takes care of daughter thing and now looking back it seems to leave a heavy load on the parent who was the one taking "care" of their child. That isn't to say that we all shared in our childrens lives, but once a child dies all the moments that we cherished most disappear with them and there is just no getting them back with the other children because of that unique individualness that each child is. It is good that your son can at least talk to you, as short as it may be, about your daughter. As for your husband, I am sure he is feeling the guilt of not being around and because of that has chosen his way to handle his emotions. Let's face it those first couple of years we are all basket cases and I would defy anyone to say otherwise.

[daleandbetty]

My wife and I have just joined your exclusive club. Our 15 year old was just killed last Sunday June 26th. He was doing what he loved driving his motorcycle. He was hit by a car while crossing our road right beside our house. The funeral was yesterday, things are finally slowing down and we are trying to catch our breath. Now we are in the mad stages. The young driver lives right near us and everyone is telling us what he is like. He had been drinking but not enough to register. He is a known drug user but was not tested for it. He was speeding but lied and the police so far are beliving his story. My brother has "forced" them to reopen the case. My son flew 175 feet and his motorcycle (70cc mini bike) flew and landed 300 feet from the point of impact. I have read several pages from here and know the sorrow that many are feeling. There are no words that anyone can say to stop the pain but at least we have a large and close family so we are doing fine. We have two other children and they were both here to see their brother laying in the ditch. The fact that we can look out our window and see the spot and all the marks on the road are also very difficult. Everytime a car goes past we look up and see them slow down to look at the marks. I just hope that this makes people slow down for at least a few weeks. Neither of us drink so that makes it very easy to point a finger at. Now all the rumours are starting saying that our son wasn't wearing a helmet, he was always on the road and on and on. His helmet was in fact ripped off on impact and shattered the windshield. Our kids were not allowed to drive without helmets ever. Monday will be very tough when everyone goes back home and we have to return to work. My son was to start working everyday with his Mother and was looking forward to it. I really didn't want to have to join a group like this but I am glad that it does exist. I hope I can also help in everyone's healing process. Dale

[kirksdad]

Dale, there are no words that can express our deepest sorrow with the loss of your son. It always hurts to see a parent going through this because I know exactly how you feel when it comes to the death of a child. The fact you are right of the scene of the accident has to be so terriblely hard for you, we are a couple of blocks away and pass the scene daily and it hurts to think what our son had to endure if only for a few seconds. You are in such an early stage in your grief. It is good that you have a close family, only being a week into this I am sure everyone is still in such a state of shock. There is nothing to prepare us for this moment, we have to find our way as we go. It is a long hard process, just know that if you need to talk this is a good place to just post and say what one wants. There are very supportive people that come through here, we all understand.

[griffinsmom]

I keep it short- but that dosen't mean I do not hurt just as much as the rest of you. I raised Griffin myself- he is my best friend- and he is gone- just like all the other parents here.

Missing Chris- really, just ignore that message- not worth wasting your energy.

Everyone else- this trip really sucks.

I hate to admit that I need support, too- but I do. Thanks to anyone who will listen- obviously my self- esteem is non- existant now. Just expressing how I feel.....6 months down, 30 or so yrs to go.

www.memory-of.com type in Griffin Schwartz

[kirksdad]

Griffinsmom, I understand, every moment without our children is terrible. We start to look at all the anniversaries and think about the time that has passed and what we have lost, it is hard. I know that today was hard, each milestone that passes is hard. It was our 5th birthday without Kirk and Aug. 5th it will be 5 years without him. As time passes things get better, but I know what those first years were like and there are still times I feel like that, it is just farther between. This is a hard long journey, we try our best as much as we can, when we can.

[peitasmum]

missingchris that is a horrible thing to say to you. I lost my beautiful girl, Peita, 18 months ago and I tell people that I will never get over "IT" and I will never get "BETTER" in regards to my daughter, people can accept that or not, I don't care. That part of my life will never change, "my unbearable deep pain". That is how I feel inside and having only one child, I now don't have a future nothing to look forward to. I will never be the mother of the bride, never a mother in law, never a grandmother....Everything has been taken. Yes, I was unhappy within myself and I did live life through her, she was and always will be my everything. How can you feel better? Anyway, sorry to get carried away, hang in there, just take day by day, minute by minute hang on even if by a thin thread.

[marksmom]

Hi to all, I made it back from our family weekend campout and I have to tell you my energy level is at a all time low and I feel like I am sinking so fast. Tonight I told my husband that all though we made it through the weekend I really feel that as each day goes by without our precious son I feel like I cannot do it. Truthfully I DON'T WANT TO...........

However I will tell you that story when I can get the energy to, but when I stopped at this site tonight I felt for so many others here and I feel I need to say something as already I am feeling some of you have helped me so much I need to give anything I can back.

To Dale and Betty I am very new to this site as we lost our son on March 13th, 2005 and I could not help but see the similarities between our two tragedies. Although I truly cannot offer you any advice I can tell you that all you are feeling is alot like the rest of us. Our son to was hit by a young man of 20 who had been drinking enough to impair his judgement however a new policeofficer was on that night and did NOT THINK IT WAS NECESSARY to check his alcohol level not to mention some other people decided to move the quads that were involved in our sons accident which has so far let this guy completely off the hook. HOWEVER because of our insistence they are working harder at putting the whole scene back together and they are building there case. Our son was 16yrs old and he always followed the rules he was a great kid, we always taught him to be safe he has been riding quad with my husband since he was six. He has been racing his quad on a track and doing quading tricks for about 4yrs, he always wore his helmet he always used good judgement and was responsible it is just so unfair. So many things about the night he died is not right and we now have been hearing so many stories it just rips us apart. Anyway I wanted you to know I feel for you and your wife and your family as I know ours is being ripped to shreds and many people have no idea what we are going through or what this is even like!!! Please feel free to come here there seem to be alot of understanding and caring people who do know what your going through.

Chrismom I am so sorry that someone wrote that please ignore it. Knowone who had had to endure this kind of tragedy and pain should have to hear that. In a way I feel very sorry for the person that wrote that post to you as obviously they are seriously disturbed and have no understanding as to what kind of grief you are suffering through. I also always say what comes around goes around, some day they will be in a situation where they may need care, support and understanding and it may not be around!!

Hanna'smom all I can say is thankyou for posting and I am feeling so many of the same things you are however that doesn't make it any easier but know that I am with your thoughts all the way. Sometimes I have to give my head a shake as I am horrified with some of my thoughts however we are the only ones that REALLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH, so to h**** with the rest of the world.

I really want to thank those who posted some support for me on thursday I was feeling completely out of control and I will post to you and explain our weekend when I get some energy back but I just wanted to thanks you helped alot.

Take care talk to you again, Roxy.

[daleandbetty]

I just got done watching the Indian Larry special on TV when he fell off his bike and was killed. My son loved to watch the biker shows and loved riding his bike whenever he could. I remember when Larry died my son said why wouldn't he have worn a helemt if he was doing stunts? We buried him in his Orange County Choppers shirt, his racing number plate and his gear. My wife attended her church this weekend and they mentioned his name during the service. Today was my first day back to work and really all I did was sit and stare at the wall in my office. Tonight my oler son and I fixed the muffler on his car. Normally my son Travis would have helped him and I would have just stood back and made sure they did it right. The police are supposed to be asking more questions about what happened and who did what but I really don't expect much to happen. We are also hearing all the stories that are being spread around and my wife is getting upset. I've just been telling people to come out and look at the accident scene and decide for themselevs what happened.

[marksmom]

Hi DaleandBetty, I am really sorry to hear about your son and when I read your post tonight all my feelings that first week came rushing back. I am sorry to say though I thought at the time those first few weeks were the worst however now I feel that even I am not even to the worst yet. Those first few weeks we had so many things going on and people everywhere we did hear stories but I did not pay attention to them as much as I do now and unfortunately the rumours only got worse. It is unbelieveable how people can totally distort the truth. I wish they would only know that the gossip hurts the family really bad, like as if we need any more hurt. Now Dale each day that goes by my heart aches more its like those first few weeks we were in a daze. Although I remember what was said and what all happened its like it wasn't true, I kept waiting for our son to come bouncing in the house telling me about his day.

I also have to say I do not have any advice or help for you, I can only tell you that your not alone and now we all belong to a group of parents that knowone would ever want to be a part of. I have found that it does help to speak with other parents that has been about the only time I really feel like someone else DOES know what we are feeling. I also know that my husband and sons have struggled with all the things they did with Mark. He was such a big part of us our family is very close. My husband and I had a very hard time having children it took close to ten years. I have cherished my children completely, I have always looked after them very well and gave them all the love I could. We did let our son ride motor bikes, skate board, ski, quad and all the other boy activities BUT we always made him be careful an responsible. He never once gave me a reason to fear his ability to handle the responsibility. He always followed the safety rules!!! I keep asking myself WHERE did I screw up, why is our son gone it is so unfair. In my profession I work with children an families that are in crisis and I see so many children just left to run and by some miracle they make it through life. I also see parents who just abandon their kids sometimes for a year or two other times for life how is it that thier families don't get broken up!! I don't know I have way more questions right now than answers. Every time we do something I think about our son. Please tell your wife that the stories bother me alot and to tell you the truth I have decided to just wait until the investigation is done if we are still not satisfied then we will hire someone to find out exactly what happened and give us the evidence the police apparently do not have time to find. I know I will not rest until this young man pays for what he has done, nor will I rest until I know the whole story as to exactly what happened. BUT I think the stories only add to my pain and will likely cause you and your family the same, maybe try and avoid them.

I am sorry that I have rambled I really just want you to know were here to listen and who knows maybe somehow we can help each other survive this horrible tragic loss as right now I don't even know how to survive it. Take care of each other and allow each other the time and space to grieve your own way.(or at least that is what I heard)Bye Roxy.

[titoyginasmom]

DaleandBetty, I would love to be able to welcome you to our little "group" for any other reason than why we are all here. I was so saddened to read your story. I have added your family to my thoughts, and prayers.

I lost my son Tito, and daughter Gina on October 1st of 2004. It has been nine months of craziness since. I have "been there done that" with everything from fear, nightmares, rage, anger, devestation, disbelief, all the way to being suicidal. Now I am working on acceptance. Everyone I talk to says that is where I have to start. I have to really accept that the kids won't be coming back. That I won't be seeing their smiles for a l-o-n-g time. In the midst of this I have to deal with government officials for various reasons. They like so many who have never suffered our loss don't really understand why I am still so upset. I finally blew a gasket on one guy. I told him, "In the old days widows/widowers waited a year to remarry. Hmm, that was a spouse. We are talking about my two children! So do I get at least my year?" He looked rather shocked that I would say something at all. I had just had enough.

Anyway, the only real advice I can offer is to seek a counselor. Seek a strong support base for when you have your "bad" days.

God Bless you and keep you,

Kathie........Tito y Gina's Mom

[marksmom]

Hello kathie,

I am sorry that you have to deal with people that don't understand, I keep thinking that really the only people that could possibly understand what we are going through or how we feel is those who have had to endure this. I have always thought to myself as most mothers have that losing one of my children would be the ultimate nightmare. Now I know this is a actual nightmare that will never end.......... Maybe some day I can think of a way to explain our feelings to others who just don't get it.

Take care for now, Roxy.

[charlesk]

Hi all.

I am new here and just kind of feeling my way through. I lost my precious daughter Lanie on June 22 ('05) in a boating accident. She was 16 and the light of my life. We have 3 other children, but I don't know that having other children makes losing one any easier.

I didn't submit a story, because we already have a website that we put together for her called LiveLikeLanie.com, which you can visit if you'd like.

We never really worried about Lanie much because she was such a good kid. She never got in any trouble and loved the Lord with all her heart. It was such a shock, but I guess it always is when one of your children dies. I don't even know what stage of greiving I'm in. I guess I have accepted it, but my heart is just broken.

I guess the one thing I can say is that i do understand how you all feel.

[griffinsmom]

Wow.....

Your daughter is so intense! I visited her xanga page, and will bookmark it- there is so much I dint have. What a girl. What a loss. What are we supposed to learn. My son had bright orange hair....

www.memory-of.com, type in Griffin Schwartz

Your daughter is remarkable- I hope she finds my son in Heaven. My friend had a dream of him marrying an orange-hair.

I am so sorry for your loss, and all who knew her and now us who know of her.

Really.

[charlesk]

Wow.....

Your daughter is so intense! I visited her xanga page, and will bookmark it- there is so much I dint have. What a girl. What a loss. What are we supposed to learn. My son had bright orange hair....

www.memory-of.com, type in Griffin Schwartz

Your daughter is remarkable- I hope she finds my son in Heaven. My friend had a dream of him marrying an orange-hair.

I am so sorry for your loss, and all who knew her and now us who know of her.

Really.

Thanks, Griffinsmom.

Yeah, she was very special. I don't know if there is anything to be learned from our awful tragedy, but this is what I found that has helped me:

The righteous perish,

and no one ponders it in his heart,

devout men are taken away,

and no one understands

that the righteous are taken away

to be spared from evil

Those who walk uprightly,

enter into peace;

they find rest as they lie in death

(Isiah 57, verses 1 & 2).

My wife and I have experienced everything you guys are talking about. EVERYTHING. from anger, to guilt, to depression, to getting by, and back again.

It is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I've lost both of my parents and watched my brother waste away in an institution.

[titoyginasmom]

Charlesk, I visited your daughter's webbie. She seems like such an amazing person. Yes, I know I said seems. Somehow I just don't believe that what made our children unique died. I think it lives on in their spirits, and in our minds. I am so very sorry to see you post, since this means you have lost someone dear. However, I was grateful to read your last post with the passages from Isiah. That passage has always brought me peace, but never like since losing my babies. In some ways, though they look nothing alike, reading of your daughter reminded me of my Gina. They both were young females devoted to family. Both had passionate causes they were willing to fight for, and both were central in their families. My son, Tito, was a tiny bit different. He was a soldier in the Army, but also very much an activist. Sounds strange I know, but he managed to make it work. Once he made a friend it was forever.

God Bless

Kathie...Tito y Gina's Mom

[eriksmomforever]

Hi everyone,

Been away for a bit, i had to have surgery, i was in the hospital for over a week, but things are going much better now in that area.

I hope you are all doing ok, i think about you all often.

The driver that killed my son had his first hearing yesterday, he plead not guilty and his lawyer feels he should not be locked up and deserves a future because he has been accepted to a college and is taking driving skill classes. It's all for show, makes me sick, he may be in driving classes but he doesn't practice it outside of the class, he still drives like he is nuts. Everyday i get a flyer in the mail for Erik from colleges. I would like to collect them all and slap them down on the table in front of this kid and his lawyer and say "I'm glad you got accepted to a college, all of these would like Erik to come to their college, might be kinda hard for him to apply now don't ya think?" I'm sorry, this kid has no remorse, he bought a chip off ebay recently to make his car go faster.......can you believe that.

One thing i would like to say, i notice so many of you at the end of your ropes, just wanting to give up and feeling so hopeless. I can say i do not have that feeling and for only one reason. Erik would not want me to do that. Him and i were so extremly close, i know he would be so upset with me if i stopped living life. Try to think of it that way. Everyday i get up and i think, that i'm so upset Erik has no chance at life, he has no chance to experience the things we are, so if i'm so upset that all of that was taken from him, why would i take it from myself, it's not right, it's not what god wants, we have to live for them at this point.

Oh, also, one of you posted a message from a webite that someone told you to "get over the death of your son" someone just recently told my fiance that, they told him he needed to get over it at this point, he is dead, move on. Yes i wanted to tear their head off, but i just simply said "You are no longer welcome in my home, not ever again" and i left it at that. Anyone that says something like that is not worth one ounce of your time to worry, or stew over it. Hopefully they will never be in our shoes someday, god forbid.

God bless you all!

Mandy

[marksmom]

CHARLESK

I am very sorry to hear of your daughters passing, I would like to say something or give your some bright advice of how to get through this. BUT unfortunately I am still working on learning about all of this, as I to am so angry, frutstrated and basicly consumed by grief that I think it best I do not advise anyone.

My son to was much like your daughter, avery goood person and I fight everyday with the idea WHY so many of us have lost very good children, children that had a bright future and brought so much joy and happiness to our family. I do not have answers unfortunately I have more questions than answers which for me is a bit funny. I work as in councelling families in crisis and I normally I know how to help them, I also used to think I could work through any crisis with my family however now I have lost all confidence. Heck sometimes I think I am totally going to lose it.

I can say this seems to be a great group of parents and supporters and it is so nice to know that someone DOES know how you feel rather than can imagine how you feel, so please use the support of others here whenever you need. Take care, Roxy.(Marksmom)

[marksmom]

Eriksmomeforever

I just wanted to say that I really know how your are feeling with the young man who hit your son as the man who hit our Mark is missing, YUP knowone can find him. I cannot believe how angry I am at the investigators for taking so long for the police for screwing up the investigation and now losing the guy.

All I can say that your anger and frustration is shared as I believe many of us get know real satisfaction as we have all paid the ultimate price as a parent, its really wierd how others do not see how important it is for those responsible for these tragedies to be held accountable. Today, a police officer said to me at least we know that he did not mean to kill your son. I thought who cares our son is gone and he would be here IF this guy had not got on a machine when he was impaired. FOR me at least it is cut and dried!!

Please keep us posted on your sons case, I sincerely hope he pays for what he did. Take by Roxy.

[joshsmom]

I notice alot more parents having to deal with upcoming court cases involving the circumstances of your kid's. I have been writing too, but tend to go on the court page, but I see more and more on here now and just wanted to write and say that we all seem to be in the same boat in more than one way!

Isn't it just sickening that the victim's and their families seem to be thought of after the person who caused what happened!!!

I can't beleive how our court system works!

The kid that caused my son Josh's death, has been caught again now, three times, trying to distribute the same perscription drug that he handed out to my 16 year old son! He has no remorese for what happened at all and is still doing it! He should be sitting behind bars till our trial date, July 21 and 22nd, but he keeps getting back out on a small cash bond, paid for by his grandmother! Then he gets sent back home to his "so-called" Mother, which is where he is getting the perscription drugs in the first place! Also, she isn't keeping them locked up either and hasn't gotten in any trouble for the fact that he keeps having these pills in his possesion!! What's wrong with these people??? Are they just waiting for another child to die!? Another family to be broken apart, before they do something? It is just inconcievable to me to know this and just have to sit back and wait!

Than I have to worry about what happens if he gets off scott free in all of this!! My husband and older son will not let this go.....they've waited this long already to only see him continue his behavior, and it's been almost 14 months now that we've sat back and said nothing and just waited, hoping to get justice the legal way!

It is so hard!!

I pray for all of you to continue your fight, but it is so hard when we are also trying to grieve and deal with our lives forever changed, because of someone else!

We try to keep our kids safe, and they just keep on going like nothing happened!

This kid is bragging to Josh's friend's that he is getting off, that nothing will happen to him, why? Because nothing ever does happen, so far anyway!!!

I hope he gets a good slap in the face when he hears the jury say, "Guilty"!

Josh's Mom

[missingchris]

Here's an interesting page for any of us suffering from the endless parade of stupid remarks...

http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/remarks.html

[marksmom]

Joshsmom, I understand your frustration as our situation is much the same. I also am very angry and both my husband and our oldest son says if they run into this guy he won't have to worry about the police finding him as they will deal with him in there own way. It actually scares me as neither my husband or son have ever said anything like this, but they are hurting and as far as we can see only our family really seems to care the professionals that are supposed to help families like us just doesn't do much at all.

I will tell you somthing that really put everything in order for me as far as this whole process. My husband and I had to meet with the police officer that was handling the investigation and he tried I guess to make us feel better but it just didn't get it. First he starts by saying obviously you are upset as the boy that hit your son gets to live and your son doesn't. But try to remember he has a mom that cares to the only difference is that her son came home that night and you had to bury you son. I thought yeah no sh** sherlock!! Then he goes on to say well lets try and put things in perspective your son really should not have been on that road and he is responsible for that. I said YEAh your right he should not have been however does that mean that someone who has been drinking can run into him and we should just drop it?? Well know he said. THen our meeting continued and we asked if we could see the statements from this boy he said I cannot do that however the young man did change his story and we will deal with that. He said I will show you the pictures from the quads, so he did and we found out that the other boys did not just move the machines out of the way they look like they hid them under a tree. When we commented on that he said yes really that does not look good and he said well we could charge them but really there is no point!! My husband said if what they did was illegal then charge them!! We then asked to see the pictures of where our son was, he said to my husband well maybe at a later date because there is some blood involved. My husband said I don't care I want to see them, his reply was we will see. He then went on to say that unfortunately the SYSTEM DOES NOT HELP THE VICTIM IT IS DESIGNED TO INSURE PROPER TREATMENT OF THE PERSON BEING CHARGED. I guess I should be thankful that he was honest but we definately left with more frustration than when we started and obviously they do not care about the victim or there families.

I really wanted to say WHO IS FOR OUR SON?? If we do not follow this through the police sure won't. I also thought if they think a picture with blood on the ground is going to upset us then they should think again, we watched our son bleeding from his mouth and ears and we saw other things in that ICU that we will never get out of our memory. We also sat and watched the life leave him. I ask what else could upset us more?? I just really don't think they get it, I am not a vindictive person but I sincerely wonder if it was there child how would they react. Would they settle for just letting things go, I highly doubt it!!

I am really starting to belive that there is KNOWONE TO LOOK OUT FOR OUR CHILDREN EXCEPT US, I know our plan is to not give up until justice is served how ever that may be.

I am sorry I guess i started to ramble. Listening to your post and knowing what we are dealing with just really frustrates me. I know all the faith I did have in police, prosecuters, investigators is all gone. It is like knowone really wants to get to the bottom of things except for us. And justice well we are supposed to be able to rely on our system but we cannot. THe young guy who gave your son these drugs needs to be stopped. DON't people realize that once our children our gone our whole life is ruined, and no matter how much time passes we will never be okay again!!! Please keep trying as maybe just maybe each of us can stop these type of people from wrecking some other families life.

Take care bye roxy.(Marksmom)

[joshsmom]

Mark's Mom,

I have written to you three times now, and each time, right before I post the message, I've hit something wrong on my computer and erased the whole thing!!! So here goes again!

I was releived to read your post! Just knowing that I am not the only person trying to understand and live through this unending circle of issues!

I never thought that I would be able to go through all of this, and here I am!

I always told Josh and my 20 year old son, Eric, that I would die if anything ever happened to them, and here I am living through it!

We almost lost Josh when he was 12 years old. He was in a snomobile accident, in which Eric was driving and he was on the back. They hit open ice and Eric lost control. Josh was air lifted to a hospital 40 miles away with 3 skull fractures! We just can't understand why after going through everything he did to come back from that accident, he was taken from us the way he was!

This kid gave Josh 2-10mg pills of methedone, smaller pills than aspirins.

Josh never did this before! He was at the Memorial Day fair just having fun with his friends when this kid came up and offered them the pills. I don't know why Josh would take them, but he did! This kid knew how dangerous these things were....his own mother alomost OD'd on them 3 years ago! Josh had no clue! He had no second chances! This kid and his mother have had too many chances! They still sell these pills!! The kid has been caught twice since this happened with Josh, with Methedone!

I am so scared that even though commen sense tells us that this kid did wrong, he may still get away with it!

My husband and older son have said that they aren't afraid to go to prison as long as they pay for what they did to Josh and our family! I never thought I would be afraid for what they might do, but I am! I just pray that they are talking only from anger, and that these people would have enough brain cells left in there heads to pack up and leave this county as fast as they can, if they don't get charged for this!

They live in the same trailer park as my older son, Eric!

I worry about falling apart up on the stand, I worry about my husband and son getting angry when they are up there! I worry about Josh's freind's having to remember and answer questions and try not to make any mistakes! Everyone wants to do the right thing up there so this goes the right way, that's a whole lot of pressure!!!

We were lucky enough to have had the kid waived into Adult Court over this, and hopfully that will help us!!!

I pray that you also get some justice for Mark!!! Especially since the guy that hit him was drinking! It is just sad that the victim's and their families are thought of last in everything! (Unless of course, my husband and son get involved, I would imagine then that they would be considered the criminal, and these people would end up the victims! How insane is that?)

Please know how much your posting meant, knowing that I am not alone in what's happening here!

My husband tends to think that because we live in a small town and have only small town cops handling this, tha'ts why everything is so skrewed up, but after reading what you wrote, I see that isn't the case!

I'm sending you prayers and hugs!! I hope we all get what we are looking for in all of this!!!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[charlesk]

CHARLESK

I am very sorry to hear of your daughters passing, I would like to say something or give your some bright advice of how to get through this. BUT unfortunately I am still working on learning about all of this, as I to am so angry, frutstrated and basicly consumed by grief that I think it best I do not advise anyone.

My son to was much like your daughter, avery goood person and I fight everyday with the idea WHY so many of us have lost very good children, children that had a bright future and brought so much joy and happiness to our family. I do not have answers unfortunately I have more questions than answers which for me is a bit funny. I work as in councelling families in crisis and I normally I know how to help them, I also used to think I could work through any crisis with my family however now I have lost all confidence. Heck sometimes I think I am totally going to lose it.

I can say this seems to be a great group of parents and supporters and it is so nice to know that someone DOES know how you feel rather than can imagine how you feel, so please use the support of others here whenever you need. Take care, Roxy.(Marksmom)

Marksmom,

We are fortunate in that through my wife's employer we had the good fortune to find an excellent therapist. Unlike most therapists, she comes to our home once a week and works with us where we are the most comfortable.

For anybody who has experienced the loss of a child, I STRONGLY recommend that you get profession help. From what I have read here, everything you guys are experiencing is normal and expected, even the anger, so long as you don't ACT on that anger.

It is perfectly normal to entertain thoughts of suicide. My wife and I have both agreed that making the pain go away would be as simple as taking a bottle of pills and getting in the bed to die. But we have three other children who love us and need us, and we need each other.

Unlike many of you, I don't the anger of someone being criminally responsible for my daughter's death, although I do believe the young man driving the boat was negligent. He approached me at the lake before they even found my daughter's body, and I believ that what he wanted was for me to forgive him.

This young man has not been on this earth long enough to learn how to love somebody like I loved my daughter, and I will NEVER forgive him or his parents for taking away my precious, loving, innocent daughter.

What i want is for them to SUFFER in AGONY everyday the way that I am suffering.

[griffinsmom]

Not to be repetitive, but I am really finding it harder and harder to continue. One of the most difficult concepts to grasp is the future- like 5 yrs., 10 yrs., 20 yrs.- The thought of change over time just sends waves of sorrow through my soul. I'd like to hear from someone many years down this road- and how did they handle this. I have an 8 month old daughter, Griffin was 17.5 at the time of his accident. I know Gianna is going to grow up- and with every year is one tha Griffin is not here with us. How do I muster up the enthusiasm for her life that I had for his? Can anyone answer this?

[eriksmomforever]

Not to be repetitive, but I am really finding it harder and harder to continue. One of the most difficult concepts to grasp is the future- like 5 yrs., 10 yrs., 20 yrs.- The thought of change over time just sends waves of sorrow through my soul. I'd like to hear from someone many years down this road- and how did they handle this. I have an 8 month old daughter, Griffin was 17.5 at the time of his accident. I know Gianna is going to grow up- and with every year is one tha Griffin is not here with us. How do I muster up the enthusiasm for her life that I had for his? Can anyone answer this?

I read something soon after Erik had died, and it really made me think. It said that they can't miss out on something that was never intended for them in the first place. It wasn't in gods plan for Erik to be married, or have kids, or all the things i feel he is missing out on, so he isn't missing out on something that was never intended for his life. It really made me feel better. My faith is huge for me though, and it really helps, i don't know what your beliefs are, so i respect that it may not help you whatsoever, just wanted to share. Hang in there, please, your little girl needs you, keep your son alive with memories for her. Just as when he was alive, you had the enthusiasm for his life, and he wouldn't want you to take that away from your daughter. Celebrate his life, the life he lead, and all the memories, instead of focusing on what he won't have. For some reason our boys were given to us to take care of for only 17 years, and it was an honor. I guess we did such a good job they were needed elsewhere.........

[kirksdad]

Eriksmomforever, you are right some things were not meant to be. I do though cherish the time I had and all the memories. Of course, I still wish at times for things to be different, but that doesn't mean I don't understand that Kirk was with us for 17 wonderful years, good and bad, and I have so many wonderful, precious thoughts that I can cling to. I do know that wondering is just human nature, but wondering too much can be very upsetting, but sometimes it just isn't possible for some to put it aside for some time.

[marksmom]

Joshsmom (SUE)

Hi,Sue

I was thankful to read your post as I thought we were going crazy. BUT the ironic part is I might has to in part agree with your husband as we live in rural Alberta and a small town police office is handling our sons case and I have to say I am terribly disappointed to say the least!!! I will and do sincerely hope you get some justice for your sons death as I truly believe NOW more than ever knowone can possibly know what this is like unless you live it!! And something needs to be done for our famlies that our left in ruin and of course our childs life that can no longer be fullfilled.

Tonight I am so angry (again) tonight though I am just beside myself I look at our family that used to be five we were a great team. I had my husband and three sons I used to say I knew when our third son was born that this was our family it was what was meant to be. I love all my husband and my boys so deeply and now I look and both my sons I can hardly recognize them they used to be happy fun loving kids now one son never speaks of anything positive and our oldest one is constantly running I am even scared he could take up drinking or worse drugs as he is in so much pain. Both boys constantly fight and at times my husband and i are no better!! The pain is so over whelming and I cannot believe my thoughts at times. Each of us have said dying right now would be so easy, one son said we could just drive off a cliff the other said couldn't we just take something and join Mark. It is so hard for me to correct their thoughts when my own are so close to theres.

Bye for now, tears flowing to much I will post again soon. Take care by Roxy.

[missingchris]

Your family isn't the only one like that. My husband finally lost it 2 nights ago. He's so ready to be with Chris. But he stopped because of our living son. But like he said to me, Dakota is ready to go to heaven too.....so are you, why are we fighting this. We fight often now, we just can't seem to get past our pain to help each other the way we should. And I don't know how to fix it. I envy those with their faith in God intact. Our family's faith is destroyed. Don't know how to fix that either. The urge to start drinking is with me every day. My husband already does. Maybe this weekend will help. We're headed to family that seems to understand and care. Hell we may never come back. This life we lead in Ohio , the immediate family and their " Aren't you done with this yet?" attitudes, it's eroding what little strength we have left. I have NO answers, no comfort to offer anyone. I hope some of you out their find the answers you need and are looking for.

[joshsmom]

It is a very hard subject for our family to talk about!! We don't talk about it, ever!!! If I mention anything about Josh to my older son, Eric, he immedialty stops the conversation and tells me he doesn't want to hear it! My hsuband, finally after 14 months, will mention Josh's name or talk about something about him, but it is only a very brief sentance or conversation and then it's ended! I want to talk about Josh, I want to remember everything I can about him and think of him always, in a positive way! They don't seem to be able to do that. All they dwell on is the fact that he's gone and it's not fair to him, what happened! My husband wants revenge against the ki's mother, so badly! My son wants revenge against the kid!

My husband and son both drink also and sometimes when they're together, argument errupt and they don't speak to each other for days! I am put in the middle all the time! My husband wants to up and leave here! he always want so to run away from our problems! I feel that I can't leave, especially for Eric. He is all I have left now, and I wont leave him!!!! My husband, especially when they are arguing, seems to expect me to choose between him and Eric, and unfortunatley, put in that spot, I will choose my son!

We have been married for almost 23 years. We met and married at 19, had Eric 2 years later and Joshua, three years after that. I thought too that our family was complete!! I thought we did everything right in the eyes of God. We were married before having our children and only have been with each other for 23 years!!! Our family was strong and the boys were so very close!

Now I feel like we've all changed so much. My husband always had a special bond with Josh, and I with Eric. Now his Buddy is gone!! Josh was a follower, and he needed to be around people and had many many freinds, much like his Dad! Eric is sort of a loner and quiet, like me!

It's been over a year now and we still are pretty much at the same spot we were wehn this all happened!

I feel like my insides are hollow and that I just live on the outside for appearances! I don't want my family or husband and son to see me hurting at all, and so I have not actually dealt with this and don't feel that I will be able to for a long time. I wont let Josh down though by falling apart either! I don't want him to see our family in ruins and feel like it is his fault!

I have read alot of books by Sylvia Brown, John Edward, and a few others and I really truly beleive that without those books and the insight they gave on a different perspective to death and the after-life, I would not be where I am right now!

I have tried to show Eric and Tom how I see things for Josh, according to these books and they think I am nuts! They don't want to beleive that Josh's spirit is still very much alive and around us! I know this, not by the books alone, but my the signs Josh has given to us! I recommend that you read a few of these books too, see what you get from them. It's the only way that I get through all of this!!! If I had my old beleifs that Josh was dead in the grave, I would not be functioning at all!!!

I still worry about Eric and Tom, but every sign we get from Josh, brings them that much closer to beleiving too!!!

I know that Joshua is still in our lives, just in a different way now!

We have to continue our lives here and do things the right way, so that we can someday join him and again be the stron family we once were!!!! He's waiting for us too, and I wont let him down!!!

I care about him too much for that!!!

Prayers and Comfort to all of you! I am so grateful to have you all to talk to and know that I am not alone and that you understand the depth of what I am feeling!

I pray with all of my heart that next week at the kid's jury trial, we get a guilty verdict, so we can close one major chapter that has been the root of alot of the pain that we are feeling and maybe be able to focus again on fact that even though what happened to Josh was not fai, not right, and sad beyond comprehension, we still have him in our memories and our hearts and we will be together again, as long as we don't do anything against God's will before our time!!!

Sorry for rambling on and on, but I am having a particulary good day today and feel Josh around me and just want to write on a good day and maybe give someone else the comfort to have a good day too!

Our kids are still such an important part of our lives!!!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[eriksmomforever]

I envy those with their faith in God intact. Our family's faith is destroyed. Don't know how to fix that either.

I cannot explain what happened since Erik died, but i have this overwhelming feeling that god is with me and everything will be ok. I have been in and out of churches for the last few years, trying to figure out what i want and 2 years ago if Erik would have been killed i would have hated God forever and lost it. My fiance got me back into church, and i try to leave my life in gods hands, and yes i have my bad days, but most days i just have this overwhelming calm feeling that Erik died because he was that good of a kid, and god needed him and it's the way it was supposed to be. There is nothing i can do about it, Eriks death, so i try so hard to be positive and focus on the reasons it had to be this way. It is very hard though, don't get me wrong, i lost it about a week ago and cried for about 3 hours straight, after my surgery and i swore i was going to pop every stitch out of my tummy. Last night i found a card he made me for my birthday a few years ago, and that was so hard. Just because you have faith doesn't mean it's any easier, it's heart wrenching, but it does give you an exexplained peace that i wish for all of you.

[eriksmomforever]

I'm having a garage sale next month, and the proceeds are going to Erik's scholarship fund at the school. It is so hard to sit here and mark some of my sons things, you can't put a price on their things. I have been very careful to keep things i want, but you can't keep it all, i wish i could. I was the type that had to get his room cleaned out a few weeks after he died, i couldn't handle it, i felt like keeping it that way kept me in major denial. I let his friends take what they wanted and that made me feel good, that they had his things, he would have wanted it that way. Isn't it a sick feeling to have to "visit" our children either at the cemetary or out of a box filled with their things. His shirts still smell like him.........miss him.

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

You sound exactly like I did... I didn't want to think about one year, let alone 5,10,15 years down the road. It would kill me when I thought about living life, that long, without my son. Somehow... somehow... I don't think like that anymore. Somewhere along the line I have stopped doing that. I'm not sure what happened, but all the things you are feeling right now- I felt too. When I read your post- I thought to myself- I understand exactly what you are asking. All I can say to you- is don't check out- it get's better. It gets alot better than you can imagine right now. Life for your daughter will be different for her than it was for Giffin, but don't feel guilty about that. She will grow up with all the love a child needs to become a healthy loving adult- that's what is most important- and I am sure you are doing that part. Focus on staying in the moment- were not promised any more than that anyway.

Just a note of concern to my Beyond Indigo friends-

Don't make this worse by adding an addiction to the healing process- that will just slow things WAY down. And who wants to slow this process down? There is no way around our pain. It will wait for us no matter how long we try to avoid it. Thus, take it on and start the process of healing. I understand what you are going through- I was there.

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

Artina~

Thanks for the reply. I seem to be waiting this out like a storm to pass. I stay in my room mostly-with the baby, shes happy. I stay on the property- I don't go out or socialize unless I have to, and then it is an ordeal for me- I have to FORCE myself to do it. Its like Im "hunkering down"- or hibernating.

Focus on staying in the moment- we're not promised more than that anyway.....this is the best advice. I've always had a hard time with living in the moment- Im always projecting into the future. Guess thats a habit that must be broken. I just cry too much- my head hurts. I miss my Griffin.

(https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx) Good luck, everyone.

[eriksmomforever]

Artina~

I stay on the property- I don't go out or socialize unless I have to, and then it is an ordeal for me- I have to FORCE myself to do it.

I'm that way with the phone. I am terrible at returning calls to anyone, it's like a major chore for some reason, i just don't feel like talking very often. I'll go out and get groceries and stuff, but i have NO desire to go to any "events" like parties or weddings or anything. I know what you mean about forcing yourself, i have been saying no to almost everything, i figure if people can't understand Erik died only 4 months ago, then that is there problem. I get bitter on that subject, because i can already tell my family is thinking i should move on somewhat. My sister is getting married in September, and i was supposed to stand up for her, and i can't do it. I told her she is going to have to find someone else and my mom freaked out, she thought it was the least i could do is stand up for my sister. They have NO idea how hard it's going to be for me to even be at that wedding. I'm getting married March 18th of next year and i tell ya, it's going to be so hard not having Erik there. Hang in there Griffinsmom.

[joshsmom]

Well so much for having my one good day! We got a letter from the Didtrict Attorney today and the kid's trial for next week has been postponed! One of the witnesses that was supposed to testify for us, can't be there!!! So here we go again, just like the Mother's case.....we have to wait and go through this whole process again! It looks like he wont have a jury trial rescheduled until Fall now! So much for being able to close this chapter of our grief! My older son is on a mission to get this kid now! He saw him yesterday and this kid gave him the finger and started laughing! He's enjoying every second he can to throw it in our face that he's now got more time to do whatever he wants!

My husband absolutely lost it when he opened the letter!

After dealing with this same situation on Josh's 1st Angel date when the mother's jury trial was dismissed due to witnesses not showing up for the court date......my husband ended up quitting his job when that happened! Now he is working again and this happens! He isn't going to quit this time, but it is just such an emotional rollercoaster! And all the while they are still walking around, acting like everything is just peachy!

I feel like crawling under the covers and staying there! It's easier not to deal with this, it's just not right!!

The thing that scares me the most is that this may happen again and again! This kid will be 20 years old by the time this goes to trial, and it feels like the more time that goes by, the less important what he did to Josh, is!!! People are forgetting already! The jury may just think, oh well, the family is over it by now, so there's not reason to ruin this kid's life over it now!

That's just how I feel about this! People forgetting is the thing that scares me the most!

Thanks for listening, AGAIN!!

Josh's Mom

[eriksmomforever]

Well so much for having my one good day! We got a letter from the Didtrict Attorney today and the kid's trial for next week has been postponed! One of the witnesses that was supposed to testify for us, can't be there!!

I hate that! That happened to us twice now. It's set and then it get's delayed and not just for a day or two, it's for weeks! I feel like it's just more time for him to run around and have a "fun summer."

There shouldn't be an option of "not being able to be there" if you are supposed to appear in court, then get your butt there. Do they realize how many people's lives they are affecting. Hang in there.....

[griffinsmom]

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/642c7d993a618c

Not to change the subject, but I was able to make a memorial page at beyond indigo- Im not sure how you can access it- but here is the address (first line).

Check it out, sign the guestbook- Im curious to see how this goes. He also has a memory-of.com site. Still in the house....FYI

good luck to all of us.

[Artina]

Eriksmom and Griffinsmom,

I too struggle with going out into "public". I have been blessed with a job that I do out of my home, outside of meeting with my Board of Directors every other month. I don't choose to go to events either, unless it is an event that my living son is part of. I don't want to be part of celebrations, unless my living son is part of that celebration. I am doing exactly what I want to do from here on out. The loss of my son was not my choice and thus, everything that I have a choice in will be done my way. I decided three years ago that whatever enery I have- on any given day- will be spent making my living son's life the best I can make it... and I'm just shooting for some type of "normal". I don't have any extra energy to spend on dependant, expectant, selfish vicitims who feel cheated because I don't put them on my radar!!! Oh my gosh... how can anybody not understand that we are forever changed by our loss and we will never be the same people that we once were. It's a life changing experience that THEY too have to adjust to, because were not getting over it any time soon.

Support starts when the people around us stop expecting something from people who can hardly give to themselves- were close to death and their adding one more wound!

Peace to you, Tina

[charlesk]

I wanted to reply to your discussion about not socializing or returning phone calls. It may be because we just lost our daughter (May 22), but we LOVE having people come to visit us and sit with us out on the deck.

We have some wonderful neighbors who we love dearly and want them to come over ALMOST every day. I had started inviting people over to eat on the weekends because I love cooking and entertaining, but my wife asked me to stop because it was too much work (and stress) to clean up the house.

I think I would go completely nuts if it wasn't for our little support group, and I think we are extremely lucky to have people close by who care so much for us.

[griffinsmom]

Well, six months into this, and my friends have moved on....they miss Griffin, and yes, it's a tragedy- but they live their lives, and I can't blame them. I guess it's my fault for staying in the house so much- but right now, I just play with the baby, and watch television- that seems to get me through the days without having to deal with "reality". I guess my reality has changed so drastically, that I don't know what reality is going to evolve into. I love having company, too. Don't like the stress of cleanup, either. You are lucky, Charlesk. It seems that now the people I talk to most are on a computer. I do appreciate that very much- but it is a far cry from my previous life.

[marksmom]

Hi Everyone,

I had to come and read all the posts this afternoon, I was just feeling so alone. Its like know matter how my friends, neighbors try to be supportive and understanding they just don't get it.

I like they way someone said it that we will never be the same, we are forever changed and this is the new way.

Today it has been 4 months since I gave my son a hug and said I love you, 4 months that is just way to long for any parent to not have their child. I was really thinking today, "I CAN"T DO THIS".

Each and every moment of everyday I wonder where is he? Is he alright? What is he thinking? I so badly want to be where he is and then I think of my other two sons and I do know they need me. BUT they have others around them I am not sure who is with Mark. Doesn't every child need their parents no matter what they are doing. Why would life ever make it so a parent has to do this, I would have really rather never been born than to have to go through this....

Yeah, I have thought about it, and this pain is like no other I have ever had (and i suffer from chronic migraines. THis pain now aches my whole body, its like I have been hit by a truck and there is no relief in sight.

I am sorry I know my post is sure not going to bring support or help to anyone else, I just had to say what I am feeling.

THanks for listening, Roxy. (alwaysMarksmom)

[ashleysmom]

Marksmom,

My heart goes out to you as you struggle through what was the very worst time for me after Ashley had died. I felt as if the shock had just melted away and all that was left was the raw aching pain. I remember people who have been through it telling me that things would not always be this bad. I didn't believe them and I didn't want to believe them. I figured things would have to be that bad all the time because the very worst thing that could ever happen had happened. I miss my baby every minute of every day. It was a year on July 4th and that was so hard. Ashley had graduated high school three weeks earlier, she was on top of the world. I just want you to know that the "I can't do this" feeling will come and go. I never thought I would get this far, really didn't want to. My oldest daughter is 22yrs. old. She could probably live without me. I worry though, because had it been her and Ashley was still here I would have felt the same way, so how fair is it to leave Crystal behind.

I still have my "I have really tried and I don't want to do this anymore" days. I probably will for the rest of my life, they're just fewer.

To all who have curled up inside themselves, I can really understand. It is so hard to hear people complain about really trivial things. I hear people complaining about spending money on their kids and I become unglued. I want to scream "I would love to be paying for a wedding, college, anything other than flowers for her grave." But then I have to be honest with myself and realize I used to complain about trivial things, I used to be like other people. I am not anymore. It is very hard to explain to people how much I want to be with Ashley, yet I don't want to be without Crystal. Be very careful about detaching yourself from the outside world, it could become even lonelier, if you can believe there is such a thing. I sometimes have to force myself out on my days off, because it would be so easy to just stay home. But if I stay home all the time my world will become very small and that's not fair to my family and friends. People do try to understand, some say stupid things, but I honestly don't want them to ever understand. They would have to go through this to understand and I don't want anyone to have to go through what we all are going through. My heart is with all of you, may you find some peace,

Dottie

[joshsmom]

Mark's Mom,

How are you doing?

I have been so up and down since finding out that it will be months until we are back in court with this kid!!

It is such a hard thing to deal with, seeing this kid walking around town, hanging around kid's that used to be Josh's friends. They act like they've already forgotten what happened to Josh! At first no one even talked to this kid, they even beat him up a few times, and now they're all friends again?

It makes me sick!

I did talk with a Medium last night, one recommended by someone from beyon indigo, and even though it was sad to hear some of the things she said, it brought Josh back to me again! I beleive that he is still very much around us and sees evertyhing that happpens here. I told my husband, son and other family about the session and I'm hoping it will bring everyone alittle bit of comfort and peace in the whole situation. Joshua is a great kid, and I am so very proud of him and after hearing what he told me, I intend to live the rest of my life, to the best of my ability, helping others, loving my family and keeping Josh close to me, until we can all be together again!

Thankyou for listening and being here!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[eriksmomforever]

It is such a hard thing to deal with, seeing this kid walking around town, hanging around kid's that used to be Josh's friends. They act like they've already forgotten what happened to Josh! At first no one even talked to this kid, they even beat him up a few times, and now they're all friends again?

I have to deal with this as well. Most of the kids still hang with the kid that killed Erik too and it drives me nuts. They told me they don't know what to do because they were all friends and they don't believe he meant to kill Erik so they are torn. I told them i don't care, he is still driving like a maniac, so if you were Erik's friend at all, you would tell him where to go, only because he is showing little remorse. I'm torn between understanding they are just kids, and wanting to scream at them for even talking to him. Isn't it funny people think we are just dealing with the death of our child, they have no idea all the other "things" that come along with it that we have to deal with.....they just really don't get it.

[hannahrosesmom]

Hi Everyone,

I don’t post very often but read the message boards fairly often. Some I’ve reading lately have piqued my interst enough for me to post. First I’d like to touch base on the subject of going out in public and mingling with “civilians.” I too stay away from pretty much everything. I’m nine months into this, nine months today and now that I think of it, on a Friday to boot, Hannah died on Friday October 15, 2004. I have experienced enough with family, friends and civilians to know where my comfort zone boundaries are and am very careful to stay inside it. I have found that if I have any thoughts of panic, discomfort or hear that voice in my head that says “no I don’t want to do this”, I just don’t. I don’t have the patience or want to be nice to the people that say stupid, cold, hurtful “well-meaning” things. The need to protect my heart is equal to a lioness protecting her cub, and we ALL know that feeling. I’ve got enough hurt going on to not go looking for more. Another thing, I used to think toilet paper was the best invention on the planet, I have changed that thought to Caller ID. If I don’t recognize the number, or do and don’t have the energy to converse, screw it, they can leave a message. Has anyone besides me dealt with people who call hoping that you can help them feel better about the loss of your child? What is up with that? How do they think we can help them feel better when we can’t do it for our ownselves?

The other topic I want to touch base on is our own personal homelife. Mine is in the toilet. The fabric of what’s left of my family is shredded beyond recognition. My husband and I fight constantly. He thinks it’s okay to disappear for days without calling and doesn’t think I should get upset about it. The night Hannah died she was supposed to call to let me know her plans after she was done with Pep Band that night. She didn’t call but what I did get was 2 policemen at the door telling me my precious beautiful daughter was now dead. He is also unemployed and doesn’t/won’t look for work. He’s home everyday and doesn’t help with any housework. He cooks himself food and leaves the aftermath where he ate it. Lately he’s being exceptionally spiteful by not flushing. Our son does not waste time in leaving the household as quickly as possible after he changes from work and doesn’t want to talk to him. I cannot say I blame him. He is looking to move out as quickly as possible meaning I’ll have to deal with empty nest syndrome on top of Hannah’s death. He’s angry and disgusted with his father’s behavior. I have a hard time defending his father cuz I have the same feeling. I am sick to death of going round and round with the same argument when all I want to do is mourn the loss of my daughter in peace. My husband also feels the fault lies with the driver of the car that hit our daughter. If the girl who was driving the car that Hannah was a passenger in hadn’t turned in front of him he wouldn’t have hit the car Hannah was in. I don’t understand how he can feel otherwise especially when the girl driving said she saw the lights of the car coming over the hill but thought she could make it. My husband says poor Caitlin, she has to live with this the rest of her life. You know what? Scew Caitlin, she made the choice to turn into oncoming traffic, Caitlin will graduate from high school , go to college, get married and have kids. What about our Hannah? She was only 16 and won't get to experience any of that. I just don’t understand any of this.

[eriksmomforever]

Hi Everyone,

Has anyone besides me dealt with people who call hoping that you can help them feel better about the loss of your child? What is up with that? How do they think we can help them feel better when we can’t do it for our ownselves?

My own mother does this to me! I told my sister right out, i cannot help you guys through the loss of Erik, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it? My mom also has the attitude that i should be "getting over it now" because she is upset i don't want to be in my sisters wedding in September of this year. My mom told me you can't become a hermit. I never said i wasn't leaving the house, i have no desire to go shopping for a bridesmaids dress, and all the crap that goes along with that. Sorry, i know i sound negative, but the last thing i want to do is be in a wedding! They just don't get it.

[griffinsmom]

Wow-Hannahrosesmom-You hit on so many of my topics....like caller ID, comfort zone, falling family, poor driver....even people wanting me to make them feel better. Eriksmom, don't know what to say!

I'm staying in my comfort zone- someday it will expand...

My comfort zone is getting to be a mess because I just dont have the energy or something to clean it / fix it / mow it...etc.

Good luck on this journey, all.

[Artina]

Dottie,

It's nice to hear from you. I agree with everything you have said. There is an understanding that starts to emerge through our grief journey. Take care.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Hannahrosesmom,

My heart goes out to you. Taking care of yourself is the first step to surviving your loss. Is there any way that your family could address the loss of your daughter together? I hate to see you lose more than Hannah... I know that it seems hopeless, but try. Use the "little" energy you have to fight for your family... make your fighting count! There are nonprofit support groups that deal with death- they are usually free. Please know that we care and understand your pain.

Peace to you, Tina