Loss of a Teenager

[Artina]

Mjsmom,

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. You are right when you say that people seem to think that "we are over it", because time dictates it. But time is not relevant here is it- loss is loss and time does nothing to heal us. I think what happens for us, "in time", is that we learn how to live life as we carry our pain.

I know that I have said to family and friends that I have happy moments, but what I am really saying is that I have found a "new" type of happy. I have come to understand that I won't ever be as happy as I was when Chris was here. Yet, I do find happy moments- when my living son smiles, plays football, tells a joke, plays a game with us, when he sits and talks with us, and when we are talking about his brother and our son. Those moments do make me happy. I have to see those happy moments for what they are... or I could be looking back at my life and seeing that I missed not only one son, but two.

It's hard... and it does get better, but it is still hard- isn't it.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Jim,

That is really good to hear. It restores my faith in people.

Peace to you, Tina

[hannahrosesmom]

MjsMom - If you want to feel bad today you go right ahead, you are amongst friends. Two years isn't very long at all. Last night at my Compassionate Friends meeting an older couple showed up, this was there first meeting and their 4yr old daughter drownd in 1970 - 35 years later!!!(they didn't know Compassionate Friends existed until recently.) I can't even comprehend that amount of time right now since I'm just coming up on the 1 year mark. But the point is, 35 years later they still miss her so I believe you have evry right to feel crummy at only 2.

This brings a question to mind...has anyone out there had a day when you felt crummy, as in crabby,teary, mean and, not sure how to put it, enjoyed it? I swear I have days when I'm just feeling downright ornery and don't care if I piss anyone off or not. Very difficult to describe something you don't know how to describe >:/

I'm going to go see John Edward in Minneapolis tomorrow. One can only hope eh?

[joshsmom]

Boy that really hit home what Artina said about finding a new way to be happy and just what makes you happy....my older son too is my shining star! He fills the emptiness inside my heart! He is so importan to me! I feel bad all the time realizing how much he has gone through since Josh died! He and his brother were always close! They did alot of things together and shred alot of the same friends!

To think of happiness for me is having him stop over with his puppy and sit out on the front porch and talk with me! He tells me lots of things about what's happening in his life and I am grateful that he feels he can do this! Once in a while I can get him to talk about Josh, but it's far and in-between still for him! He has a very hard time with this! As it seems, my husband does also! They talk of Josh just for a few seconds and then go on to something else. I can see how painful it is for them and that hurts me! I want to talk about Josh all the time! I hurt for them and for Josh! I want so much to have our family back whole again! Knowing this can never happen, I have no choice but to try and find something that makes me feel not so empty inside!

I'm babbling and probably not making a whole lot of sense by now, anyway, I just feel what everyone is saying today!

I really understand about having days where I just have a bad attitude! I could blow up at someone for nothing and actually feel good afterwards! Boy do I know that feeling well!!! I am usually a very quiet and calm person, but when I have those days, watch out!!! Stay out of my way and don't get on my bad side!!! I will say anything at that point and not care at all! It's only happened a couple of times over the past 14 months, thank goodness, but I know what you mean about actually feeling good about feeling bad!!!!

Hugs to everyone!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[mjsmom]

To Hannahrosesmom,

I saw John Edwards a few weeks ago in Boston. Enjoyed it as much as possible.

But I didn't get a reading. I have seen two psychic's and talked to one on the phone. Don't know what to make of them, but I try out of desperation. Dont' really understand the whole reason. The woman on the phone was so really remarkable. I had such a good reading from her the first time, not sure I would try her again, I wouldn't want to spoil it.

To Artina,

I am the fourth generation of losing a child on my mom's side of the family.

My great aunt lost her only child 35 years ago, and she still isn't right.

This is a timeless situation. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays can bring you right back to that pain. I was there today, Monday his anniversary and I'm sure many more times to come.

Thanks for the ear.

Marnie

[kirksdad]

Joshsmom, you make perfect sense. The last week or so I have found myself talking and laughing more with my daughter. I hope it continues. It is so hard to get everyone on the same page when it comes to how individual everyones grief is. I feel so sorry for you, and your husband and son. The ability of a sibling to spring back from this loss is extremely hard. So many times they withdraw into themselves, but the key here is just to hang in there, keep talking about Josh, eventually their conversations will be easier and longer and the good times will be remembered and cherished. Losing a child is hell, losing a brother or a sister, when they were close and too young to totally understand, is really such a jolt to them. Hang in there Sue, it will take time, like others have said we work in years now when it comes to healing, even many many years down the line we will carry the pain and the longing, but it will change so much over that time. Hopefully for everyone it changes for the best. Our kids are ours forever, no matter what.

[danielsmom]

I don't post often ,but I read everyday. So much of what I read is exactly the way I feel.Now that school has started the train to and from work is full of kids the same age as Daniel. It is so hard to see these kids and not feel the unfairness of it all.Daniel had been working part-time and going to adult-ed to get his high school diploma,which he would have recieved in December,and in Janurary he had planned to go to college.

He was a good kid,who finally found the direction he wanted to go in,and in the blink of an eye it was all gone.I miss him so much.

Thanks for listening,this site is a godsend

Wendy

Daniel Nov,20 1985- April,17 2005

[Artina]

Danielsmom (Wendy),

You are so right... "it is so hard to see these kids and not feel the unfairness of it all". I feel that statement. I find myself doing that exact same thing.

We have been talking about all the Fall reminders that add to our grief. Smells, school bus's, kids walking to and from school, and the changes in the sun light (daylight savings PST) all bring up alot of memories. It is so stressful. I love Fall, but at the same time it increases the hurt in my heart.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

MJSmom,

My grandmother lost an 18 month old child, her sister lost her only child who was 27 years old, and my Aunt lost a 6 month old son (all on my mom's side). I never realized how close death was to my family, until I lost my son. It was everywhere. Too close. My grandparents were forever changed by the loss of their child. My grandfather carried the only picture of her in his wallet, but nobody ever talked about her (Marian). It was only after I lost my son that I realized the depth of their loss, because they never talked about it. I feel so bad for them- they are together now.

Please know that I will be thinking about you as you approach Michael's anniversary date.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Joshsmom,

I know what you mean about those bad days where you could just go off on someone. I have those days at least once a month.

My living son is just 16, and talks about his brother often. He was 12 when Chris died. They have a lot in common and he can't help but talk about him- they have the same football number, like the same color, coached by the same football coach, and he goes to the same school his brother went to. His brother is all around him. Mike is so proud of his brother and he asks a lot of questions about "what did Chris do when". I love that, because it just starts a great conversation about Chris. Mike will talk about Chris's life, until the cows come home, but if we start talking about Chris in "death"- he doesn't say too much. It hurts. Thus, we stick to Chris conversations about Chris's life. I understand that.

Peace to you, Tina

[mjsmom]

Tina,

Your kind words are appreciated. Michael's 2nd anniversary of his death was Monday 8/22. Today is the anniversary of his funeral.

I have a 6 year old daughter, Chanel who Michael adored and she thought he walked on water. You would never think having children 9 years apart that they would be close. They had something special. Two days ago Chanel was writing a note to Santa. She wanted to remind him of Mikey's birthday near X-mas and that he had died. She asked him to visit Mikey on X-mas eve. She misses him so very much, we both do. Even though it's been two years, she doesn't do well as an only child. She was meant to be a little sister. Some days you can tell how lost she is without him. We talk about her brohter everyday. We look at his pictures every night before bed. She even made up a game named the Mikey game, we tell each other memories of Michael.

As far as the seeing other kids and the unfairness, I can identify with that 100%. I look at them and in my head I ask - Why is that boy so special that he has his life and Michael doesn't. Michael was a really good kid.

Marnie

[katebe]

Hello to you all my new and old friends on this board. I rarely post but do come to the board quiet often. Being in africa, the time difference makes it impossible for me to chat with you. To Kirksdad, Artina and all of you, today marks 2 years since I last held, hugged, kissed, laughed, spoke, walked etc. with my daughter Mpundu. My journey on this road has been very rough, tiring, painful, tearful etc. This morning I woke up with a pounding gastric pain, very painful, I saw a doctor who advised me to rest. I will visit Mpundu tomorrow with my only child Chikwa (11) To those that will read this, please remember Mpundu, Chikwa and myself in your prayers

To Mpundu I say be at peace my baby girl for Our God has you in his keeping in Heaven where he lives and reigns forever and ever,Mom and chikwa has you in their hearts.

Judy

[Artina]

Judy,

It's nice to hear from you. Please know that I/we will pray for your family. Be sure and take care yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

MJSmom,

I understand exactly what you mean. Mike and Chris are about seven years apart, yet they were as close as siblings could get. Chris adored his little brother Mike and Mike looked up to Chris for everything. Mike still think Chris walks on water. I loved the way they were with each other... they warmed my heart often. It does hurt to think of the pain that Mike holds from the loss of his brother. It's just not fair. I am grateful that, like your daughter, he loves to talk about his big brother.

Peace to you, Tina

[ribitsmom]

Judy- you, Chikwa and Mpundu are in my thoughts.

To all, I had to travel for work and just tonight got to read all the comments on tattoos. I’ll get one if you get one. That sure sounds like a dare. I think I will get one on either September 26, (the date of the accident that we lost Bridgette) or on November 25, which would be her 20th birthday this year.

As for grocery shopping, in MN we have Simon Delivers, which is a on line grocery shopping, I have used it, but am never organized enough to get everything I need, so my son is always willing to go do the shopping. What a wonderful kid. I would assume other states have similar options, to make this difficult thing easier. My concern for me is that I am shutting myself in the house and shouldn’t be, it can’t be healthy…but neither is losing your child.

As for happiness or anger; my mom said something to me once about not being able to sing to the radio anymore. I didn’t get it until we lost Bridgette. I have not been able to sing to the radio, bee-bop to the music or anything that you need to be “happy” to do. If we happen to go out for an evening, which happens for work often, I am asked to get out on the dance floor and can’t do that, you need to be happy to dance. The days that I am angry at the world and show it…I certainly feel guilty afterwards, but how and why should you explain it? I have severed friendships because I felt that particular friends were using our loss to add drama to their lives, it sounds terrible, but I really felt that was what was happening. That comment was directed to the one that said most of the friendships are gone, you found new friends with Compassionate Friends.

For the headstone: those were perfect words. We wrote: Ribit-you made a difference in our lives. That was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. We came up with so many things and vetoed all of them and then the final decision day I changed my mind on what we had spent weeks coming up with and went with what I felt.

Does anyone else have a problem saying; die, dead, death? I can only say loss, lost or taken.

Denise

[missingchris]

I don't post here often. I always feel like what I have to say is inadaquate to comfort or is just complaining. We just passed the one year mark, and our lives are falling apart. Yes, we got tattoos....... I can't go down the frozen food isle that has Totino Pizza Rolls in it, I fall apart...... STILL. I have a shirt that smells of his cologne in a ziploc baggie so I can smell him whenever I want.... His little brother is just realizing that God won't give his brother back. They were like father and son, they were that close, even with 12 years between them. Our marraige exists, sometimes only because of our 6 year old, because we grieve so differently. And that can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I cope, just by looking at our youngest son, knowing if I or his Father fall completely apart, then his world truly ends. It was enough that he watched his brother struggle for his life , then lose it . Right in front of him. I remind myself that no matter what my pain is like, I have nothing compared to his. The nightmare that little boy lives with is beyond my comprehension, and all the counselors in this area..... No one can help him. Tonite I feel like I have been ravaged from the inside, all my bones broken, all my organs shredded. This pain gets worse every day it seems. The next person that tells me time heals will spend the next 2 weeks waiting for time to heal their broken nose. I'm sick of platitudes from people who have no clue, family members who want everything to look neat and even again. I hate to drive now, I panick every time my husband leaves for work, fearing it's the last time I'll see him again. Nothing brings that true feeling of joy anymore , which means I'm depriving my little one from knowing what it feels like to have his Mother react normally to anything. How do I change it? Who the H*** knows. I keep Chris's site as up to date as I can, it's all I have the strength to do for him now. Thank you (you know of whom I speak). I look at people around me, who still want to play stupid games and mess up their lives, and I have no patience for it. I don't know what to say to anyone on here. I have no words of wisdom, or any offering of comfort. I just pray ( I use that term loosely) that we all survive one moment at a time, and that there is someone there to listen, even if they don't respond

[griffinsmom]

Ribitsmom-

"Does anyone else have a problem saying; die, dead, death? I can only say loss, lost or taken."

YES- I always say "the accident". I thought of putting Griffins pillow in a bag- thats a good idea! WOW the things we think are good ideas lately....

[kirksdad]

MissingChris, you are not alone in your feelings. I don't think that one year is all that much after the death of a child. It seemed to me just like a blink in time.

You are right though about your little one and the pain and suffering that he is going through. That is why it is so important for you to try as hard as you can to make his life better. These brothers and sisters are going through their own hell with the loss of their siblings. We know hard hard it is for us, is so many instances it is just as hard for them. Our daughter has even spoken of the fact that when we die she will be by herself, she was expecting to grow old with our son there to be a part of her life.

Things change so much for everyone in the family. Like you I was so tired of all the idiotic things that people would say, the way they would act, and what happened with others because of our son's death. It has taken me years to understand, a little, that people just have no clue what to do, how to act, unless they have gone through this. Even then each of us are very indiviual in our grief.

It takes time, not days, not months, but years to piece ones life back together and then the picture is still missing a lot. Time does make the emotions better, the pain a little softer, and the memories very special. Hang in there, we all know what the feelings are like, we all face them. I know how easy it is to say to just keep plugging along, but that is all we can do.

[Artina]

I do have a difficult time saying dead, died, killed. I have said it, but I cringe when I do. I feel better when I say crossed over or we lost our son. I think the reason I don't like to say dead, died, or killed is that there is a BIG part of me that believes that his energy is none of the latter. Yes, his physical body is dead, died, and killed, but his energy has crossed over to a realm that I can't see in my physical state (just like radio waves, micro waves, atoms, oxygen, carbon, etc.). Just my thoughts. Thus, it's okay to say what you are comfortable with.

Peace to you, Tina

[titoyginasmom]

MissingChris, so much of what you posted is how I feel lately! I am fast approaching the 1 year mark, and I dread it with all my being. My husband and surviving children think I am crazy to ask them to call me when they get wherever they are going...but I have panic attacks if they don't. My two lost both a brother and a sister in one day, leaving them with so much guilt. See, kids fight as we all know, but when you can't SAY "I'm Sorry" it hurts more. Being 13, 16, 17, and 18 at the time the oldest two died...believe me they fought a lot! I think it has actually been hardest on my 16 year old since now she has to be not only the oldest child...but the only sister as well. Our youngest seems to be handling things better, perhaps due to the larger age difference between him and Tito and Gina? I am not sure. I just know he is. So much of our world was changed that day! As for those awful comments regarding "time healing all wounds"...I agree they need to be smacked. However I normally just look them in the eye and ask, "And you are qualified to say this on what experiance? Have YOU lost a child? If not then please leave things you know nothing of alone." Amazingly it works most of the time. I have always been an optimist for the most part, so I TRY to find the good in everything. These past months that has been hard to say the least. I have noticed some things though. Example: the kids in our area now drive more carefully, my husband now wears a seatbelt for the first time since I met him, my daughter is learning how to be Krystal instead of Tito or Gina's little sister. These are small things, but there none the less.

Oh yes, the times that I don't post are when I am feeling way to negative to be conversational. I have my days believe me. Those days are when I stay to myself mostly.

Kathie......forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[sarasmom]

Denise

My Sara's birthday is also on November 25.

My anger is really bad at work which is really not a good place to be angry. I had a nurse say something about writing me up and I almost told her but I held it in. The Worst Thing That Can Happen to me Has Already Happened to me. Do you think I care if you write me up? Go right ahead.. write away.....

That's exactly how I feel. No one can ever hurt me again. I have been hurt to the max and nothing you can say or do will bother me. It's only been 3 months since Sara died and I know anger is a part of the grief proccess. I just seem to have this attitude that I never had before. Like a Clint Eastwood movie where he say's Go Ahead Make my Day. Maybe I'm going crazy but I don't seem to be the same person I use to be.

[mjsmom]

Hi All,

You have all written things I have felt or am feeling at one time or another.

My daughter 6 y.o. is now an only child instead of a little sister. She is the reason I am still living. Otherwise the day Michael died 8/22/03, I would of.

The first year is hell. No other way to put it. As far as saying the word dead, died, etc. I do refer to Michael as dead. I do still shock myself with the actual words. (I guess this is so profound that even when we know our child is dead, we hope they are really somewhere else instead). At least I do that, still. I think it really shocks me when I hear someone else say it to me.

As far as my daughter is concerned, she will never have the mother Michael had, that woman died with Michael. She watched me fall apart alot in the first year.

My sister and boyfriend hate each other, (we all live together, huge mistake)

but each of them did help with Chanel when I couldn't. I had to do what I had to do at times, otherwise I wouldn't be here to take care of her. I am a divorced parent, my ex is of no help at all. That's why I am divorced amongst other reasons. I do take my daughter to school, field trips, playdates, birthday parties, ballet and jazz classes, etc. But there are many things I can't do, and I won't force myself. I believe we shouldn't force ourselves to do things that will really set us back. So there are things, my daughter won't do with me, but we work it all out in the end. My daughter knows I love her and we talk about our old life alot.

As far a what is on Michael's head stone, that came to me without much effort.

Everynight before bed I say/said the same things to my kids. And one of them is I Love You Most. Because nothing is more than most.

This is the worst thing we all are going to ever do, be kind with yourselves, because life has not been good to us. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Just do the best you can!

Until next time,

Marnie

[ribitsmom]

Sarasmom- I will be thinking of you as our babies b-day date draws nearer. This first one without Sara is going to be excruciating. Not that the next and the next won’t be, but the first (all of the firsts) you have to learn how to live through it, how to get through not only the day but the month and the year, as well.

As for saying, die, dead and killed…to me it is too permanent. But I have also found that when I say, “We lost our daughter”, no one understands and continues with the conversations…”Oh really, how old is she?” is sometimes the next question I would get. So, I am not doing myself a service by using the words I choose but I still can’t say the other words.

Kirksdad, I never even thought about my son being alone after we are gone, I guess I have been so worried that we will lose him too that I haven’t really thought of him losing us. That statement gave me lots to think about.

MJSmom, you are doing the perfect thing for your surviving daughter. The best thing you can do is spend quality time with her, give her wonderful times and memories, I am sure it is very difficult as a single parent, very time consuming but it sounds as though you have a great sister to help also.

Tito y Gina’s mom, “And you are qualified to say this on what experience? Have YOU lost a child? If not then please leave things you know nothing of alone." YOU GO GIRL! You are much more polite than I would be. I would say something nasty like, “You don’t know what the H*** you are talking about.” People can be so insensitive, but they don’t mean to hurt you, they have just never been through it and don’t get it. I had a woman tell me that she heard that there were body parts all over the place after the accident, which was untrue, she was caught up in the “drama” of it all and didn’t understand how what she was saying was hurting me. She was ignorant.

Bridgette’s Mom –lots of love Bridge

Denise

[griffinsmom]

I usually say I have this baby-shes always w/ me- then I have an 18 yr old son. If the continue, I say he was killed in a car accident- end of conversation, usually. Good luck everyone, and Id pray a bit for the people of New Orleans- who are about to be obliterated. Much love- Randi

[ashleysmom]

It is so difficult to find the right words when people ask about my children. I usually try to avoid even telling people that she died, but if they persist, then I do say she died. I don't feel like she's lost. I don't like the word dead. That to me sounds so final, empty. (more like the way I feel) I guess it's just a matter of what comes out of our mouths when asked, because nothing feels comfortable when we have to say the words. The one thing that is definately true is people don't know what to say, especially after I tell them she has died. When people say something like, " You're doing so well, I don't think I could do it" I feel like I'm being judged or something. I almost think I have to defend myself for being able to get up in the morning. What choice do we have. Nobody sees the pain that I have learned to hide, except for those closest to me. Just my thoughts. Take care, Dottie

[Artina]

Dottie,

I too have felt the same way, when people say things like, "you are doing so well, I would have died if I lost my child". It makes me feel like I need to defend why I'm not dead. The truth is, we don't have a choice in the matter and until it happens to them, they won't understand that we fight to get up in the morning, we fight to go shopping, we fight to pay our bills, we fight to listen to people who don't have a clue, and we fight to stay invested in life. People are so strange... NOT US!

Peace to us, Tina

[mjsmom]

Dottie,

I haven't found the right words or phrase to say when people ask the usually benign question about children. I did decide I will never deny Michael. I say I have two children, and the rest is a toss up. I try to focus on Chanel. But the inevitable usually comes, " Well what about your other child?"

When it is a direct question regarding him, I do say he died. Then it goes to "How?" I just usually say, he died in an accident, and hope they leave it at that. Alot don't they want to know what kind of accident. I hate to go there. Because Michael's accident wasn't an automobile. He was on a four wheeler. Then I feel I have to defend and explain why my son was driving something motorized at 13. Then if it's someone I see regularly like school, etc. they avoid me like I have a rare communicable disease.

Michael should have started his junior year of highschool today. Another milestone ........

I am writing a book about Michael. I haven't worked on it too much this summer.

When Chanel goes back to school I'll start up again. I have to be in the right place to go there. As I'm sure you all can understand.

Unitl later,

Marnie

[mjsmom]

I almost forgot ...... (What else is new)

When people tell me "How do you do it, I'd never be able to go on without my child?" I usually respond, I don't have a choice, I have a little girl staring me in the face. It usually shuts them up. People are extremely unsensitive, and should think before they speak. Believe me that's not what I want to say.

[mjsmom]

I almost forgot ...... (What else is new)

When people tell me "How do you do it, I'd never be able to go on without my child?" I usually respond, I don't have a choice, I have a little girl staring me in the face. It usually shuts them up. People are extremely unsensitive, and should think before they speak. Believe me that's not what I want to say.

[griffinsmom]

Great answer- same here. Peace all

[joshsmom]

Oh my gosh, I don't know what to think and I didn't know who else to talk to....we just heard that the Mother whose Methedone pills were given to my son, Josh, died over the weekend, of a drug overdose! It still isn't completely confirmed, but this is a small town and I am pretty sure what we heard is true!

I am numb!

Tomorrow is Josh's 18th birthday.....his second one in Heaven! Our second one without him, in a short 15 months! I just don't know what to think! All the hatred and wanting justice and now she's gone too!! Her son is now feeling exactly what we have been feeling since he did this to Josh! I have no sadness for her or her son, right now, I am just so numb!

For her to die of a drug overdose! I almost feel sick, just thinking about it!

I just don't know what to think right now! Sorry to write and just say this and end the post, I didn't know who else to talk to right now!

Wow, this is just so unreal!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[danielsmom]

Joshsmom

Thinking of you today on Josh's birthday.Take care of yourself.

Wendy

[titoyginasmom]

A very Happy Birthday Josh! May you in your perfect Peace, take a small moment to comfort your family today. God Bless....

Kathie....forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[kirksdad]

Sue, the 18th was a hard one for us to go through. It is amazing that the person that has caused all your suffering is possiblely gone. Your feelings about it are what we all would have felt so much indifference. Too bad that people of authority couldn't see what was going on and do something about it before so many people were hurt. Anyway, hope you have a special day, know how hard it will be.

[Artina]

Sue (Josh's mom),

I understand perfectly why you feel the way that you do. I will be thinking of your family as you celebrate Josh's Birthday.

Peace to you, Tina

[hannahrosesmom]

Sue,

Peace be with you on Josh’s 18th birthday. Hannah’s 18TH birthday is Dec 31, it will also be the second birthday that we’ve spent without her in 15 months. Her birthday is also 5 days after mine, which just happens to be the day after Christmas.

Is anyone but me already dreading the holidays? Back to school is hard enough without seeing the beginnings of Halloween decorations springing up here and there. Then no sooner is Halloween over then we’re inundated with Christmas commercials. This really sucks!!!!

[missingchris]

Sue,

Thinking of you and yours on Josh's 18th birthday. We just went through Chris's 18th the end of May. I'm sorry you don't get to spend it with Josh the way you'd envisioned as he grew up. My heart breaks for all of us......

Chris's Mom

[kirksdad]

Have come to be numb about the holidays. Halloween is the worst though as it was Kirk's favorite. We changed Christmas enough that it is bearable now. Winter with the cold weather is depressing anyway. I have just began again to love the summer and have spent a lot of time at the lake, Kirk's favorite place. It is the most relaxing, soothing, calming thing in my life. I wish that I could experience it all year long, but what can I say. I have to be happy with what I have, and if I sit back and think I do have a lot. Just miss Kirk a lot.

[danielsmom]

I find that I can't even think about the holidays,everytime that I do a feeling of dread comes over me. Lately I have been thinkig of Daniel's birthday

which is still a few months away Nov 20th.It wil be our first birthday without him. I remember just a few weeks before he died talking with him about the fact that it would be his 20th birthday ,his lucky year 20 on the 20th.Now he won't be here for it.I miss you Daniel.

[joshsmom]

Thankyou so much for all the well wishes for Josh's birthday, yesterday! It was a very "real and unreal" day for us!

We did get confiramtion at 8:00am yesterday morning, that it was true about the mother dying this past weekend, and it was a drug overdose! I am so very thankful that only 3 weeks ago, they moved to the Green Bay area, which took them 30 miles from us! If this would have happened in our town, I beleive it would have been alot worse for everyone!

I have alot of mixed feeling about her and her son, but I do feel a sense of releif, knowing that at least she wont be able to hurt another person with her pills!

I feel for her son, for now he knows the pain that we have felt since Josh was taken from us!

We had a small get-together with our older son and a few of his and Josh's friends, at the cemetary! We actually talked alittle about him and that felt good! With everything that's happened in tha past two days now, it's made our burden alittle lighter, I think!

I dread too, the upcoming holidays! Halloween and Christmas were josh's favorites also! His brother and him always decorated like crazy for halloween, being that I run a home daycare, they always went way out to make it look "really scary"! One year they even had a ahunted house on our front porch and the kids had to come through it to get to the door and the candy!!

I didn't even hand out candy last year! We didn't celebrate Christmas either! No lights or a tree or presents! My older son asked us to please not do anything and we folowed his wishes! I don't know what to expect this year, I just know I feel empty about Holidays now! It's just another day to me!

Hugs to everyone and again, Thankyou for all the good thoughts sent to us!!

Josh's Mom (Sue)

[titoyginasmom]

I am at the point where most of the "firsts" are over. On October 1st it will be a year since my two children were taken so quickly. My son's all time favorite time of year was Halloween, and Gina's was Christmas. Last year I refused to celebrate Halloween at all. Christmas with two younger surviving children made it hard not to celebrate. We had our tree, but never added Tito or Gina's ornamants. I cried just seeing them in the boxes. I have no idea what we will do this year. I have a few minor "firsts" left..and one major one. Both my surviving kids' birthdays are in September (4th and 9th) and then there is the one year mark since our loss.

Hope we all can figure this mess out...

Kathie.....forever Tito y Gina's Mom

[hannahrosesmom]

Kathie, I'm almost through my first year of firsts also, my one year marker is Oct 15th. I find that as each first of the month rolls around I find myself saddened that much more that I've entered another month without Hannah. I'm feeling that September will be the calm before the storm. I can't stand that I haven't seen her smile or heard her laugh in a year. I just hate it!I've been told the anticipation is worse than the actual day, we'll see what my heart says.

Yesterday was 2 years that we lost my dear father-in-law. I spoke with my mother-in-law the night before, she was understandably upset, they were married 55 years and raised 5 children. One thing she was glad of was that my father-in-law passed before Hannah, she said that Hannah's death would have killed him for sure. He was infirm the last couple years of his life battling congestive heart failure and emphysema. He would call our house on Sundays and Hannah usually answered. She always took the time to have lengthy conversations with him that brought him much joy. My mother-in-law has taken Hannah's death exceptionally hard and has been a rock for me at very difficult times. My mother-in-law hadn't planned on talking to anyone when I called, but we both laughed and cried together...it was good.

[mjsmom]

Joshsmom (Sue),

I dread the hoidays as well. These will be the 3rd without Michael. When I say that, there is such guilt felt for surviving 2 years without Michael. We don't decorate in my house and I have a 6 y.o. daughter. She understands that it's too hard for mum. We don't have a Thanksgiving dinner. Frankly I am not thankful that my son has been taken from me. And I don't let society influence me that I have to do it. I had no say in my son's death, but I do have say in how I survive to raise my daughter.

We don't have a tree for x-mas. We don't have a family get together with extended family. My mom did take Chanel to her sister's house for a bit last year. I have asked my family to obey my wishes and they try. There is no X-mas dinner. I do have some guilt because my dad is by himself, but he can stop over, there just isn't any signs of X-mas in my house.

The only thing that happens is Santa comes, any really that's all young kids want. Everyone has to find their own way through this.

What makes the holidays more intensived for me is that Michael's birthday is December 6, and my dad's is the 11th and Chanel's is the 29th. Boy am I relieved when Jan.1 comes.

Until next time,

Marnie Michael John's mum forever R.I.P Buddy!

[hannahrosesmom]

went to lunch with my boss and a couple co-workers today. Did okay until they started talking about Fall beginning and school starting next week. Wanted to crawl under the table. Been so good about not putting myself into that kind of painful situation but such was not my luck today. 2 more hours to go until I can go home and hide on the couch in my living room. I hate this I hate this I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!

[marksmom]

Hi To All,

Joshsmom i am sorry I had wanted to post yesterday morning to give you some support on your sons birthday and then all of a sudden my day turned into a nightmare and I totally forgot. I really apoligize and I hope you and your family made it through the special day together. I say special as I think all our childrens birthdays are special and had of our lives not been dealt such a mean blow we as parents would continue to always celebrate our childrens birthday until we are no longer around (which is the way life is supposed to go).

Because our family recently had to endure the same I did know how you were feeling that day or at least I knew that you would have a very difficult day as although we may not all feel the same way we all have a pretty good idea of what each of us has to go through during holidays and special celebrations. I found Marks birthday very frustrating on one hand that day has always been a good and happy day now we all cry as we miss him so much BUT I do not want to ever NOT celebrate it as he was one of my lifes greatest gifts and always will be knowone can take that away from any of us. I just hope for all of us the pain eases somewhat over the years. My heart goes out to you, bye Roxy.

[marksmom]

Hello to All,

Well again no sleep, I am truly beginning to wonder why if I ever felt normal it seems like so long since I went to sleep truly peaceful as every night its like my mind continues to work until exhaustion hits then I sleep for a few hours and I am back up. OF course when I awake I have about 2 seconds before the pain hits.

Yesterday we met with the SGT. who is in charge of our sons case/investigation and I held up fairly well throughout the meeting as I didn't want him to think we were a babbling set of bereaved parents that just could not get on with our lives. However I fell apart badly the rest of the day. I looked at all the evidence he showed us very cold like as I was trying to keep my mind straight on the questions I wanted to ask. But as the meeting ended all I could see were the pictures he showed us and the statements he read.

See they are deciding wether they can pursue the young man who hit our son as they don;t THINK they have enough evidence. I said what more could you possible need, there were several eye witnesses along with physical proof. Not to mention our son was brain dead at the scene. This man told us had of they not done CPR on our son so he could be taken to the hospital they would have handled the investigation differently as they have to when the fatality happens right there however because our son was taken to a hospital and was pronounced dead later it changes how they handle things. We listened to all his reasons and apoligies for how we have been treated and he says there is really nothing he can do now but he does understand how we feel.

I told him and the other investigator that I pray they never ever have to know what we are going through and he said yes I agree I would never want to be in your position. I said then why is it you all don't seem to really care, why should we have to fight for you to do things that you already should have done. Our child is dead and someone did cause it to happen therefor its plain to us that some sort of charges should be layed.

I hate it all of it, I wonder would they handle this case the same had of it been someone they love??

I have way more questions than answers and yes I know our hearts are broken, but how do we move on from here knowing that our sons life was taken out of negligence and knowone had to pay for it?? I just get so angry an frustrated it drives me crazy..

One police officer said I guess it feels kindof like when you get shot in the stomach with a gun but the pain never goes away. I said yeah something like that..............thanks forlistening just venting. bye roxy.

[kirksdad]

Today I just am having a really bad day. I think I talked about the fact our church is building a new church. When they talked about it I knew it was on the land where Kirk was killed, but it seems the church is being built right over the spot where he died, the entrance will probably be right where he died. I just drove past and the foundation is being put in place. I am happy about the church, but feeling very sad about the fact that to go there means that each Sunday we would have to cross the spot where he was killed and it would be a constant reminder of that night. That night is so stamped into my brain anyway that being there weekly is something I am not sure I am going to be able to take. It is a wonderful thing, but yet, it will break my heart.

[marksmom]

Hello To All,

Kirksdad I wish I had something to say that would be of some help or support as since I first came to this site I have felt both understood and supported by yourself. I don't believe that I have near the insight into this journey of grief that you do but I would like to try and give you some support if I can.

Of course these are just my thoughts. Since you have said that they were putting the foundation down I doubt if you could possibly pursuade the church to relocate the church, however is it possible they could change the location of the entrance somehow? We live in a small community and I could see our local church agreeing to do anything within there power to help a fellow church attendee.

My other thought is if there is no possible way anything could be changed as far as where the church is built could you attend another church in a different location?

You seem to have such good coping skills and strategies that it may be possible for you to some how work through your emotions as you said on one hand this is your church and you like going there yet if it is located in a place which brings you bad memories and feelings how do you somehow meet in the middle? Although my situation is not like yours I am currently struggling with what to do with our sons quad as it meant so much to him and I recognize every sticker and every piece of chrome not to mention all the fancy parts he has added to make his machine very individualized. On one hand I want it for all the good memories it holds yet it is also the machine my son was riding when he was hit. sometimes it brings me a smile other times I cry and think I never want to see it again??

I am really sorry if I am confusing, I guess what I am saying as we will likely run across many things during this journey that hold both positives and negatives for us and somehow we have to make them work as we can't seem to have it all. I have asked our grief councellor to help me figure out what I truly want to do. Is it possible that you might know of someone who can help you work out this dilema so that you could somehow be able to attend your church yet not be torn up each time you have to enter the church?

Truthfully if I had the power I would just say you deserve to have this handled in the easiest and quickest way possible so lets just move the new church to another location but I realize that I don't have the power and maybe others don't either. I can though send our love and support to your family and hope you can some how work this out so that you can continue to attend the church you wish.

Take care and our thoughts are with you, bye marksmom.

(wish I could be of help)

[kirksdad]

Marksmom, thank you so much for the support. I just don't know what to think. I have such emotional issues about everything associated with that place. I do know the priest who has worked for it deserves the accomplishment of building it without any thoughts from me. I am happy that he was able to get it built. There are a lot of other churches we could attend if it gets to be too much. I just don't know what is going to happen though the first time I walk through the doors.

On the one hand I can't think of a better place to have over a site like that, but, God, the emotions and memories of that night are really vivid. It is such a back and forth process trying to decide just what I am going to feel.

[griffinsmom]

KirksDad~

I could be totally off base with this- but I think it would be nice to have my church where Griffin was killed. I would probably ask them to put an "In Loving Memory Of" plaque, garden, tree- something- and make it a place where so many people could remember my son. I think I would feel that way, of course, Im not there, so....for what it's worth- a different take on the situation? It's almost like a message from your son, as I am re-reading your post. I'd go with the "I can't think of a better place to have over the site". I have to tend to a wooden cross with flowers- and keep up w/ it through the weather and all....I feel that the crash site was where Griffin met God.