Loss of a Young Child

[msucaseyb]

Hey guys its been i couple years i think that i have posted on here. my little nephew would have been 10 years old yesterday 9/10/06 it will be three years on 10/23 that he was taking from us. if you want to read his story which i encourage you to do so that it doesn't have to happen again please read my web site go to in memory of page www.mhillsrabbitry.com

My sister and her husband are remoldling there house adding on to it to keep them busy i was there to see there house and was thinking Casey would have loved to help them so much. i need someone to talk to. i am missing my little nephew so much i even cried at work on saturday not good. if you want to email me please do mhillsrabbitry04@aol.com

thanks for listening

Casey's Auntie

Jennifer

[gdlmmoss]

Tomorrow would have been MayMay's 4th birthday. Her first birthday was celebrated in the hospital, and she never got to her second birthday. I miss you so much MayMay. Watch for the balloon your big sister is going to send up to heaven for you tomorrow. We will be blowing bubbles for you as well. Just know that you are loved.

Megan Elizabeth Moss

09/26/2002 - 08/14/2004

I love you.

MayMay's "My Mommy"

[Guest Guest]

On Aug 6th, my sister's brother-in-law (her husband's brother) backed over and killed his 3 year old son with a riding lawn mower. I will not go into all the details except to say that the child died instantly and was not mutilated. The only real damage was to the back of his head and that was covered by a stocking cap so the family could see him and say good-bye. Travis, the child's father, is not only dealing with grief, but also with an enormous amount of guilt. He has great faith in God and has the hope of being reunited with his child when the Lord returns. He is dealing with his grief; however, the guilt is overwhelming and he is not doing well. The family is very worried about him, although he claims there is no need to worry about him committing suicide.

If anyone has been through this type of guilt, or knows someone who has, and would be willing to talk with him, please get in touch with me at jezebel99021@hotmail.com.

[lydiasmommy2002]

For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel better. Although I know it's only temporary, I'm am so thankful for the relief. I still miss my little Lydia, and I'll never forget her. She was the light of my life. I'm no longer so angry at God for taking her away. I'm thankful now for every second that I got to spend with her. Thank you all so much for your help. You didn't stop the pain, its as real as it ever was, but you helped me realize that I'm not the only person in the world that feels this way and I'm definately not going crazy. Thank you all so much.

[stacyjo]

Ashley's dad,

I wanted to write and let you know that I visited your daughter's web-site and she is a beauiful girl. She has the most blue eyes that I have ever seen.

I am new here; I normally go to the loss of a teenager. I lost my son Alex at the age of 16 on July 5th 2005 due to a auto accident. He was gone before help could get to him.

After reading Ashleys dad's reply I wanted to write and let him know that I am feeling so much like he is. I keep hearing that it will get better but my heart still aches as much as ever and I miss Alex more and more everyday. I have started a web-site for Alex and thought I would leave it for you all along with my prayers for you all. Love, Stacy Alex's Mom

alex-foster04.memory-of.com

[illegalsmile20]

I'm very happy today as my son will be comming home and I have'nt saw him since I lost my mother on Sept, 25th of 05..It was only 9 month's after my 20 year lod son hit a snowplow in bad weather and was killed.....He is comming from Iowa as I live in Maine..

Sorry to hear of the litlle boy who's father ran him over. So sad very sad....I send love and hug's along with prayer's to his family....

I have not been on for a while since I have been cooking and cleaning..He misses a good German meal so I have been making all of his favorite candy and supper's..Oh how happy I am.Alot has gone really bad for me as last month was mother's aniversary 1st one in Heaven and than 2 of her sitser's died last month...I had been tring hard since sometime around May to get him out here.

I mother from another group hd sent me 300.00 in the mail and I dont know who or which one did it...I'm thinking her name is Lyndiesue just not really sure.....It paid for him around trip ticket and food..It will take 2 days to get from Iowa to Maine...Just to excited....

Ya'll take care I send love and hug's to all....Love Brenda and Derek

www.geocities.com/derek_geibe

06-19-84 12-21-04

[Guest Guest]

Wow. It is just so surreal coming onto this message board and reading all the stories and information from parents that have lost children. As a 25 year old father, it still doesn't strike me much that these kind of message boards are set up for people like my wife and I.

On November 20th, while I was at work, my wife Jaime went into our little Lillian's room and found that she did not wake up. She tried her hardest while the ambulance was on her way, but to no avail. Lilly passed away that day at just 18 months old. She wasn't sick, she had no disease, she did not sufficate....we have no explanation. We just know that our youngest girl is not here anymore.

Here it is in December, and now my wife and I find ourselves having to go back to real life. That sucks. I am a music teacher, and I have to plan and prepare music for 4 groups to put on a Christmas concert in a little less than 2 weeks. My motivation for this is nil, and that is usually what gets me through this work. I also am very worried to leave Jaime and my 4 year old Layla home alone. I just don't want to.

There really is no point to this post, no questions I need answered or no glorious point to make. Just wanted to share. It still worries me to put my 4-year-old in bed. Its the last thing I did with Lilly. She had such a great day before the day she died. I remember telling her 'I had lots of fun today, we'll have to do this again' before I put her in her crib with her bottle of milk......just like always. Love you Lilly.

Dad

[ashleysmom]

Lilly's dad, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Lilly. You have come to the right place to just post your feelings. I worry about my surviving daughter (who is 23yrs old) all of the time. My granddaughter is 5mos. and I worry all the time about her. It is so hard because tragedy has touched us, we know it can happen. I am so glad you had a wonderful day with Lilly the day before. I also spent a wonderful evening with Ashley the night before she died. Her last words to me were "I love you" I cherish that. May you have peace today, Dottie

[shirleybjsmom]

hi lilly's daddy and mommy i would like to say my heart goes out to both of you. i will say a prayer for you tonight. if arms could reach out to you from pa. lots of hugs from me to you. we to are dealing with the loss of our loved one b.j. he was 16 and only 3 and a half hours before his accident i spent time with him sharing the good time he had at school that day. here one moment gone the next how hard it is to deal with your child being taken away from you that fast. we just have to lean on the Lord and he will caring us through. my husband teaches electrical occupations at our career and technology center and only after a week of being off after b.j.'s funeral he had to go back to a class room of students the same age of our son and to the class he also had one student missing guess who?.... it was hard at first but the kids are amazing and very respectful to him when he's having a rough day. I know sometimes we don't give them enough credit. once again my prayers are with you and jaime. shirley dec.3rd 2006 11:17 p.m.

[mymakai]

My 3 year old son Makai drowned on June 27 2006. I was going to a support group but it is hard to share when I have my one year old with me. I am the mother of 3 boys. I stay at home… so I do have a lot of time on my hands. I thought I was doing better… then the holidays. (Halloween, his fourth birthday, so on) I am just going down hill. Anyhow… I keep hanging on for my other children. I have found comfort in the other posts. Thank you.

[messenger]

DEAR MYMAKAI...............I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAVE LOST YOUR SON....IT IS SO HARD TO DEAL WITH..I KNOW I LOST MY SON..HE WAS 27 ONE AND A HALF YEARS AGO...........SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY.........TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME..IF YOU HAVE ALOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS ...HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DOING SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE NEEDY ...AND MAYBE YOU WILL FEEL BETTER IN DOING IT...IT HELPS ME WHEN I AM DEPRESSED..YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL ..YOU HAVE TO GO ON FOR YOUR SONS....KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THE PEOPLE ON HERE..THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE...I REALLY THINK THEY ARE ANGELS IN DISGUISE~~~ WE ARE LIKE FAMILY .....ALWAYS HERE FOR EACH OTHER...

LIKE I HAVE SAID MANY TIMES.................I THINK OUR LOVED ONES HAVE LED US TO THIS SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAY YOU FIND PEACE IN KNOWING YOU WILL SEE HIM AGAIN AND THAT HE IS STILL WITH YOU.............

MESSENGER I AM REALLY TIRED SO SORRY IF THIS DOESNT MAKE MUCH SENSE

[mymakai]

Thank you for your time to reply back to me. I do think that I will find great comfort in this site. I did something today that I don't normaly do. I went outside just sat for awhile and thought about it. When I came back in our 5 year old was eating breakfast.... I looked around the kitchen and tried to think of what Makai would of gotten into while I was outside. He would of had juice all over the floor, tring to make another glass... he loved his (ouice) as he called it. He also would of been feeding the dog anything he didn't want, which was everything. My husband came up with a few things that we knew he would be doing at that moment. It didn't make me sad, I laughed and it felt like he was here. I guess I just learned a new trick on coping. ALso I think I read it in this website to do something like that. Very healing. I hope everyone is strong today. Just look up in the clouds and and tell your sweet, wonderful children, that everything is ok and you love them more than ever.

[lilly511]

Mymakai,

Thank you so much for your story about your little boy. It is very nice to hear comforting stories about other's children they lost, and the little things that they can do to remember.

I couldn't help it this morning. Its been just over two weeks since Lilly passed away, and the last few days I have been fine with being around others. I haven't slept much the last few nights (school nights) before going to work. I couldn't stop thinking about our baby. I was in my office this morning (I'm a band teacher), and I just started crying. It was only about 10 minutes before school started, so there were a decent amount of students here. I wanted to go home and be with my wife.

I'm still here at school, waiting for a basketball game the band is playing at. I just am thankful for the little things that get us through the day now. Today I met with a gentlemen who came to borrow some equipment for his church, and he had lost his baby girl when she was 5 1/2 months old in March. We sat for about 30 minutes and shared stories and reassured ourselves that things were in God's hands. It helped me get through what still is a 'hard day.' I guess I am new - only 2 weeks removed - but does anyone else notice that some days are just 'those days', when everything is just harder?

Anyways, no real point to this post. Still miss our girl. Wish this would all just go away and there she would be, happy to see us again. But she won't, at least not on this earth.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and feelings. Sometimes its not a reply that is most appreciated, its just knowing that others are getting through it too.

John - Lilly's Dad

[mymakai]

Lilly511/ John,

We lost Makai a little over 5 months ago... and some days I still am in shock. I still shake my head in disbelief. I keep a journal “letters to Makai” I call it. I write him messages. Tell him about my day... Talk about his brothers... And such. I even have told him a few bed time stories. Some how it makes me feel as if I am talking to him. It seems to help me get it out on paper. I love to go back and read all the thoughts I have had over the months. It helps me see how far we have come… and how far we have yet to go.

It was really hard when my husband went back to work for both of us. Those first few weeks were some of the longest days on earth. I couldn’t do anything I used to do to fill up my day. I didn’t enjoy anything like I used to. I also didn’t have any... I MEAN ANY short term Memory. I had to make lists for everything… When the day was done, I would look at the list and try not to look at what I didn’t do... Just look at the one thing I did get done. Sometimes the only thing I would get done was take a shower. Baby steps. At least I didn’t stink 

My next hope for getting back to normal or the “new normal” is being able to finish a good novel. I am unable to still have enough attention span to read the whole thing. I would read a few words then not remember the rest of the paragraph.

I hope that you get something out of this.

Good luck tomorrow,

MyMakai – previously known as Erin

I have posted this on another message board, yet I changed it just for you

A note to my little one:

"Be sweet little one, sleep tight and goodnight,

if you can't go to bed ask God to leave on a small light.

Daddy will see you soon, you don't have to be scared,

if you need me little one, Daddy'sheart is with you, i'm always right there."

unknown author

[Kapucheen]

Seems like yesterday I found this board, because there's nothing like this here in the UK. Sunday 10th will be the 4th anniversary of my daughters sudden illness and passing. May was 18 months old. I am crying right now. It's 1.18am and i don't want to sleep although I have work and another "forced" day tomorrow. Its been probably 3 years since I posted. I found a balance between despair and carrying on and have maintained it for my wife and two older boys. But today, here and now, and i don't know why, it is soooo hard. I remember folks posting that time doesn't help. Hell, they are right. I've just read of Makai and Lilly. I am so sorry for you all. Words don't do it and no-one who isn't in our position gets anywhere near the spectrum of emotions we all now share. God bless all of our kind in his care and may he give strength to us to realise right from wrong, see light when we only see darkness, and to never, ever, forget that it will always be our children who have made us who we are and have shaped our lives forever, whether we can touch them or not, they still touch us. May, Daddy loves you, x x x.

[shirleybjsmom]

lilly's dad hi again this is b.j.'s mom shirley you are right now going through motions that are part of your every day routine i don't remember a lot of things that took place most of the first 6 months after b.j.'s accident but one of them was the denial of the fact that this horrible thing death/// happen to us. when you read about it in the papers about someone else you feel really bad about it not really thinking it could happen to you. i to could not sleep more then two to three hours a night for those six months,i could not get b.j. out of my mind he was there 24/7 i finely had to accept i could not do this by myself and was afraid that if i had help with medication i would not feel anymore i was totally wrong it has only enabled me to be able to get the sleep i needed and still cry over knowing he can no longer be here in our physical presents but in his spiritual being he has made his presence known to us in so many ways we just need to be open to them because it may be something so small you might miss it.

[lilly511]

Hi Shirley,

I totally have to agree with you on being open to the little things about our child's spiritual presence. I think I need to be more aware of such.....just so hard not to dwell on the absence of physical presence.

It's been a tough night so far, as it is now 2:30 in the morning, and I typically get up at around 5:45 to get ready for work. There is an obvious thing that is keeping me up right now, and that is the thought of Lillian. I wish that were the only thing. The other thing is somewhat subconscious, I know exactly what it is, and I can't do a dang thing about it. I was the last one to see Lilly alive. I put her down to bed the night before she passed, and she did not wake up the next day. I put her down and went right to bed myself. That whole sequence of events is just haunting me, and now I just don't want to go to bed at night. I still sleep a bit during the day when I can, its just the uncertainty that night brings is something that haunts me.

I might take your advice, BJ's mom, and seek some kind of sleep aid. However, I just don't feel like sleeping at night right now. Come to think of it, I bet that if I laid in bed right now, I might be able to doze right off. It's getting there that is the problem.

Continuing to share.....something that is hard for me right now. My mom passed away from cancer one year ago on Thanksgiving (one year before Lil's funeral). Before she passed, she had made sure to make a stocking for Lilly for Xmas - all of her kids, in-laws and grandkids have them...hand made. Was looking at Lilly's today and found the note that Mom put in it - "Hope you remember your Grandma Fischer through the years as you grow up. I love you and will always be looking down on you." This is going to be a tough holiday.

One last thing - Here's the link to Lilly's video tribute:

http://videos.phototributes.com/daycarter/lillianfischer_files/lillianfischer.html

John - Lilly's Dad

[lydiasmommy2002]

Dear Lilly511,

I know how it feels not to be able to sleep. My daughter died in a car wreck in March 2006. I don't remember the day that it happened and I can't tell you why it happened. All I remember is waking up in the hospital and my father telling me what happened. Sounds crazy but I'm scared if I sleep something bad will have happened by the time I wake up. That and Lydia used to sneak into the bed with me at night and I really miss that. So I understand completely how it feels to be sleepless. I tried taking medication but it just sort of numbed me and knocked me out and I can't live like that. So I just stay up until I crash and I get up a couple hours later. With the holidays I'm only averaging about 2 hours a day, but hey she was my only child so everything is new and different. You'll find support here. I've been on here since a couple weeks after my angel passed. May God bless.

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[jonnysmom2]

Mymaki: Hello. I am so sorry for your loss - for everyone here who has experienced such a loss. My Jonny was 4 years old . Cancer. It was such a shock the day he died - January 20 2006. The doctor said his odds of making it went from 30% when diagnosed to 70% before his death because he was doing so extremely well. It was a rolercoaster ride. I have two little girls also so it was balance of trying to be there for everybody. This is our first Christmas without him and I miss him so much!! I feel like I just want to cherish every moment with my family. Someday we really will see our little ones again in Heaven.

[lilly511]

Geez, this time of year is just so hard for all of us here, isn't it? THIS is the time of year when we should be planning on how to make the holiday season special for our little ones......yet they are not there. Last year my family had to deal with my Mom's death on Thanksgiving and through Christmas. It was pretty lackluster, but we were able to enjoy a peaceful holiday in her memory (1 year bout with cancer....she was 63).

Without our Lilly this year, I don't know if my wife and I know how to act. We've been keeping it calm, but are still going through with most things for our older daughter Layla (presents, tree, stockings, decorations, etc.). It's so hard though when you think of your kids just ripping through presents and playing with them on that day, that you can't witness that with the one you lost again. I had a hard time last Friday getting through my band program's Christmas concert, as I always make a mini-speech about the importance of family and the need to be with them. All I could think was 'Some of these people don't deserve to be parents, yet they still have their kids! This is still so unfair.' Is that horrible of me to think?

Anyways, anyone that feels this season to be particularly hard to get through is pretty normal. I'm looking forward to Layla getting presents and seeing all of her family, but I know in our hearts and minds, the absence of Lil will just be a very difficult concept to get a grasp on.

John

[jonnysmom2]

John: Its totally normal to see bad parents and think how unfair it is that they have their kids and we dont! Has anyone else felt this way? I take comfort in the fact that Jonny had 4 great years. His life was short but he was so loved so cherished and he had everything he could ever want out of life: 2 loving parents and 2 wonderful sisters.

[mymakai]

At this moment I find no comfort. I can't go to the store without looking at a toy that Makai would have liked. I almost always breakdown into tears. This Stinks... for lack of a better word. My other children shouldn't have to see their mother crying all the time. It is Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! Yuck. I am trying. I just want to scream! I just miss him... And I am still can’t believe that he isn’t going to be here. This would have been his fourth Christmas. I miss you Kai. Mommy, Daddy, Drew, Luka and Riley love you!

[lilly511]

Hello everyone,

Just want to hop on this morning and ask this 'extended family' here at Beyond Indigo to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers today. It is sure to be a hard and emotional day. First of all, it is the one month marking since our little Lillybug passed. Besides that, we have the duty of having the cities sheriff's department continue their investigation into her death tonight by recreating the 'scene'. We will have strangers in our house, messing around with our babies things and being in our broken home. My wife, daughter and I have to stay in a hotel while they are testing for a possible reason.

I still think that there is a very good chance that there are things that I did to cause Lil to pass away, and we think their investigation tonight just might prove it. I don't know if I can handle it.

Thanks,

John

[shirleybjsmom]

hello John,

this is shirley b.j.'s mom, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today as they have been every day since i have meet you on BI I hope everything works out for the best for you, and the police will leave you alone so you can continue to cope with not having your most precious lilly bug with you to hold,hug, and kiss this holiday season and all the days of your life. John don't beat yourself up. know in your heart that nothing you did caused lilly's death. it was heartwrenching and until the day comes when we go to meet the Lord we can not understand why things happen. but i truly believe he has saved them from something that may have happened in their life time they may have not been able to deal with. when it's all i can do to go on with my days i ask the lord for comfort and it always comes to me in knowing as much as it hurts and i miss b.j. tremendously i know that he is much better in heaven then we are here on earth. love to you and your family

[shirleybjsmom]

Hello John

Hope everything went o.k. with the police and their investigation, and they will leave you and your family alone now. tell your wife if she would like to talk with another mother who has lost part of who we are i'd be more then glad to be the one. i can give you my cell number through your e-mail if she would like. please let us know how things went.

Shirley

[Guest Guest]

So I have been doing research about my grief since I can’t seem to get over it. It seems to me, that despite the social stigma that grief should not be shared, that it is not conducive to hide away your grief like She-hulk until you explode with all the emotions you have bottled up. Too bad that’s usually my best way of muddling through problems. Lock it away. Share with no one. Trust no one. Well.. except maybe the cats.

Also it seems that all the research says that “Your grief should never be a private affair. You need to talk about your experiences and your feelings. There is tremendous support in being with others who have also experienced loss. The more social your grief work is, the better you will do with it. The more you talk about it publicly, write about it in letters and share in the grief with others, the more effectively you will adapt to your own loss.”

So I’ve decided to share finally. It’ll be two years on February 15, so I guess it’s about time.

Maybe in my telling, I will find others I can help, or others that may help me.

My husband Wally and I courted a long time before we finally married. In the mean time I was getting to know his little girl LeAnn Marie, and we were building a family, her, him, myself and the two cats. I had finally found true happiness. I had my man, a kid I loved that I never even knew I wanted, two cats, and a job I liked.

Looking back now, I have blamed myself occasionally for actually taking a moment to realize how happy I was at that time. I have felt that if I hadn’t recognized how happy I was, that it might never have gone away. Part of me knows that’s silly, but part of me believes that it’s just my luck.

Wally and I spoke of getting a house so that we could maybe get more custody time with LeAnn - after all, she was number one - and we began to speak of getting married. Little did we know that a bigger house would be the least of our worries.

Three months before she died, LeAnn came up to me and told me that her mother - or at least the one who gave birth to her if you can even call her a mother - told her that she didn’t want her to call her “mom” anymore. I would’ve given up anything in the world for her to call me mom.

LeAnn was six years old when she left us. We had the whole weekend with her. We had taken her to the movie, gone sledding, the whole nine yards, and Monday night I had to close. It was Valentine’s Day and the steel belt had gone through my front tire on my Camry so I definitely wasn’t driving him to work. Wally called me that night on my cell-phone I thought to tell me “Happy Valentine’s Day” but instead he called me to tell me that the chopper was on the way to airlift LeAnn to the children’s hospital in Green Bay. I was on my way home from work with the manager - I was crew at the time - and I asked her to take me to the hospital instead.

Within the hour I arrived, LeAnn had passed away. It was as if she had waited for all her family to get there, to go. They kept her alive for 15 minutes after midnight, just to say she hadn’t died on Valentine’s Day. Her veins had turned black, and she had swollen immensely. She didn’t look like Samantha Parkington: the American Girl - who I had always compared her to. She didn’t even look like our little girl.

I hurt more than I’ve ever hurt in my whole entire life. That little light in our life was gone. I knew I should celebrate because she’s gone on to Summerland or to be born again, but I couldn’t, and I can’t yet. I still hurt too much. Going to the funeral didn’t help either. All of a sudden, I was “just the girlfriend”, when in every since of the word I had been her step-mother for three years. I had given her all of my love and all of me and she had returned in abundance. People would approach me and ask Wally how he was doing, and they would NEVER ask me how I was doing. Like I had no feelings on the matter. Like I didn’t matter. I was nobody. They still treat me as nobody. Just because I hadn’t gone and did the marriage thing as soon as Wally and I were living together, as soon as we were serious. And then what? Then I’d be the step-mother and I’m sure they still wouldn’t be compassionate. What I know is that I was her mother. That cowhag gave up all rights when she told LeAnn she didn’t want her to call her mom anymore. Why would a six year old lie

about that? And why would someone do that? Just surrender a child in word? Since she stopped claiming LeAnn, I’ll claim her now and always. It’s my right, I believe. After all, her last words to me were, “I love you.” She said it so infrequently, and I knew she meant it when she did say it. She meant it that night.

Through time, I’ve tried to manage my grief. I really don’t know how well I’m doing. I still think of her all the time. My heart aches all of the time. And I try not to live that way. I know she would want for me to be happy, so I try. Oh I try to be just as happy and live every day as she did, with full vigor and love. Perfect love and perfect trust as she did show.

Now that those few I’ve allowed close to my heart have learned of my love for LeAnn, it doesn’t make it any easier, either. I try to be patient with myself and others who do not understand my pain. I tell them of the tragedy that afflicted our life and they say:

a.) Well she wasn’t really yours, so why does it matter?

b.) Well you can just have another kid

like she’s a pair of pants I can just replace!!!!!

or the variation:

c.) Well you’ll never get over it if you don’t have another kid.

just replace her like what I make will be exactly the same. Even if it were a clone she wouldn’t be the same.

They make me feel like I’m not allowed to grieve. That I have no right. I will not allow them to prohibit me from seeking support for my grief. And my grief is real. This is the worst pain I’ve ever had and I will not allow them to apologize for my grief. So, I’m a second-class griever; I’m not allowed to mourn simply because she wasn’t my blood-daughter? The world should grieve with me. It should be as it is on Vulcan. “I grieve with thee,” they say in all the Star Trek books of Vulcan. And Tracie, denouncing the child as she did would be exiled from the family. She would be a non-member. That is as it should be now. Instead, she has had another child since we’ve lost LeAnn. I guess she tried to replace LeAnn by having another child. I shall not. I shall not have a child until I am ready. Till Wally is ready. Till we both are. And that may be never, but at least we will see her in Summerland.

I will enclose a poem which struck close to home about my grief:

“Not a mother

or a father

Not a sister

or a brother

Not a husband or a wife

Yet

we shared life

and love

and laughter

and sorrow

And I am empty without you.”

- Lee Ann Knapp

Except I am not completely empty without her. I still have Wally and the cats. But I will never be whole without her. Not until I see her again. So now I must find a way to be “okay” with the Lord and Lady again. To not blame them. I guess you’ll have to wish me luck with that.

You know the worst part of it all - besides thinking all the time about what she'd being doing now at this age and this age and this age - ? Before she died, the day before when we didn't know she was sick she and I were talking about her Uncle dying, and she asked me when she would die and I told her she would live a very long life. So all this time I've lived with the fact that I lied to her, and I wonder if she was mad at me about that.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I am so, so very sorry for pain and loss of your sweet little LeAnn Marie. Two years is a long time to walk alone in your grief... I'm glad you found BI. I have found tremendous comfort, and even some healing here.

My son Joey was an adult child (at 23) when he died this past July. But I can imagine my husband (Joey's step-father) felt a lot of the same "outsider" feelings in moments of his grief. We had been married 4 years, but he and Joey spent lots of significant moments in time together, and they had deep talks. Joey respected my husband and it was a huge loss when he left us. But I don't think it matters how old or young the child is when they die. It's unnatural for any child to leave this life before the parents. And dear Guest, you were LeAnn's parent--regardless of what the courts, the books, the shrinks, the family, the friends, the neighbors or society thinks. My heart breaks for you as I read your story and feel your pain...

You must not let yourself believe you "lied" to Leann about when she would die. How could you possibly know when she would die if you didn't know she was sick? And even when children are terminally ill, parents cannot look to when they will die until they die. It is our hope that our children will never die before us. You had no way of knowing. And I don't believe LeAnn could ever be angry with you for telling her she will live a very long time. She is gone from here, but she is still living in spirit, and will for eternity. That's a "very long time". It's hard for kids to understand when someone like an uncle dies. But you made her feel better by talking with her about it. She loved you and was comfortable with you enough to share her heart and her thoughts... you did NOT let LeAnn down, disappoint her or lie to her! You loved her with all your heart, and she is a blessed little girl for having that love, and you are blessed for having hers.

Grief is an unpredictable thing. It wavers from moment to moment, but it's always there. You will probably carry some form of grief with you all of your days, and that would not be abnormal. And don't worry about what others think. Everyone here at BI has encountered harsh insensitivity in one form or another. The world is an ignorant place when it comes to matters of the heart. Know that you can find friends here, and a shoulder, an ear, a comforting word, a soft touch, and most of all a place where there are no judgemental opinions. We all hurt here. We all know your pain. And we all care.

Blessings and love, Claudia

[ladyhitchhiker]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story about LeAnn, Claudia. It's especially hard in my family (mom, dad, brother, two sisters) to grieve, because my family's one of those families that if something's wrong, you DON'T DARE talk about it. My mother has heart failure and everytime I try to ask her about it, she will give me a dirty look and change the subject. Like when I had a cat named Kami Kazi who had a virus that caused ulcers in his mouth, and we'd have to get him steroids periodically as treatment, and they'd go away for a little while. I was gone for two years to work at a vet's office in Mississippi and when I came back, shortly after they just called me up one day and told me that I needed to take my cat to the vet. They didn't tell me the severity of his condition AT ALL. His ulcers had spread in his body to his eyes, and elsewhere, and they had allowed him to starve down to 4 pounds, and they had stopped brushing him - and this is a Persian cat, so probably two pounds of that alone was his fur - because they were too proud or too stupid to let me know that something bad was happening. So imagine how it is with LeAnn. How dare I try to talk about my grief? It's not permissable. At least sometimes I can talk to Wally - my husband - but it's hard for him, being a man. He tries to deal with his grief on his own - which isn't apparently the correct way to do it - and not let it affect his daily life. As it is, I still feel guilty for sharing my grief. I guess this is a normal thing to feel guilty, but I wonder how long that will last. For me it is more difficult as time goes on because I think of all the things I won't get to do with her as she would've grown up, so that's why I sought out a site that might be able to help me. I don't want to be crippled by my grief. If it's this bad now, how bad is it going to be in another two years? So I came.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Lady-H, I think your grief is so strangling for you right now, because you've had to walk around for two years holding it in. You're a time bomb, and it's now time to defuse, which you have found a great outlet to do that. Grief doesn't get easy. It just changes forms now and again. It has been less than 6 months for me, and I ebb and flow like I don't know what; some days doing ok, and others not getting dressed at all for the day. But I do know this! We have nothing to feel guilty for in grieving, unless our grieving is really "hurting" someone else, like physical or emotional abuse. We are human and we must have time and space, compassion, and a constructive outlet for our grief. This is a great place to start. Talking about LeAnn will help you. And no one here gets tired of hearing about our lost angels. That has brought me great comfort. My husband, too, is grieving in his own way. But it's easier for him to just go about the days and do what he has to do. He doesn't often let emotions tie him up. But me... I have moments where I am just paralyzed by pain. He doesn't like me to be in pain. It upsets him. So I vent and share more here. And if he wants to look in on me besides asking me, he can come here and read... My mom reads my posts too. It brings her comfort too, and lets her know how I am doing without always worrying or having to ask. Some folks are scared to death of feeling anything that might construe them as weak or whatever. People don;t want to feel like they are not normal. This borders denial, and that's a sickness of its own--an even tougher, more dangerous animal than grief. My dad used to be a lot like your folks--never talked about anything that would promote feelings other than happy-go-lucky-al. But he has softened a lot in the past year, and especially since we lost my son Joey. So, for that I am thankful. Some people come around... and some won't. But you need to forge ahead and do what is healthy for you. Don't wait on other to be ready to listen. We will listen.

Two years from now you will still miss LeAnn, still have tears, and still remember how empty this place is without here. But you may also be smiling more, laughing some, and feeling her warmth in and around you as you carry on.

Blessings and love, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

hi my lil brother died about 2 months ago i dont know how to go through with life he was 4 and got ran over on accedent by my dads truck i need to know how to go on??

[4everjoeysmom]

Guest, So very sorry about your little brother. How awfully hard this is for you... Like all of us here, it's a bit foggy how we go on from day to day. We just muddle through and try to hold others' hands along the way. Sometimes we vent, sometimes cry, sometimes laugh, and many times just read. A good start is to share your grief and feelings with people who understand. There is also a message thread called Loss of A Sibling, where some post there as well. Come visit and share as much as you need to. Someone is always here reading and ready to hold a hand. How old are you?... Do you have family or friends to talk to at home?... Tell us more how we can help you... if we can.

[Guest Guest]

my name is Paula and i am simply in dis belief after reading your messages.... ive felt so alone over the last few weeks that i thought it was just me and "my way of handling it".... Im 31 and going thru a bitter divorce after a very abusive marriage.... I have 2 wonderful daughters aged 11, and 7, and a little boy aged almost 2. On the 17th Dec 06 i lost my beautiful 3 year old daughter jessica very sudden....it still will not register but i have to say that reading your messages has brought a long awaited tear. its so sad but yet comforting to know im not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I feel so much for u all. Jessi was born fine but at aged 4 weeks contracted a brain infection thru a cold sore that sum 1 ad given her thru a kiss... the infection is called encephalitis. we were told she wouldnt live but as the amazing little girl she was she did. Sadly the infection left her with severe learning difficulties, quadrapalaegic cerebral palsy, partially blind and had to be tube fed thru her tummy... she couldnt walk or talk but had the most beautiful smile that warmed the hearts of many. After the initial infection she didnt even suffer so much as a cold and was perfectly fine the night i put her to bed, the next morn Jessi ad gone. Now i just cant even bear to think, eat or sleep, im getting on with daily routines as if every thin is fine... but its not... I av 2 4 my other 3 children. Thanku so much 4 being here and i sincerely hope we can be a help to each other... take care

[ladyhitchhiker]

Hi Lady-H, I think your grief is so strangling for you right now, because you've had to walk around for two years holding it in. You're a time bomb, and it's now time to defuse, which you have found a great outlet to do that. Grief doesn't get easy. It just changes forms now and again. It has been less than 6 months for me, and I ebb and flow like I don't know what; some days doing ok, and others not getting dressed at all for the day. But I do know this! We have nothing to feel guilty for in grieving, unless our grieving is really "hurting" someone else, like physical or emotional abuse. We are human and we must have time and space, compassion, and a constructive outlet for our grief. This is a great place to start.

You know, after coming here these past few days, I've felt better than I have in a long time. Almost giddy.

You know how you have those friends that say: "If you ever want to talk about [insert problem here] I'm here" and then they don't really want to listen? You've really wanted to listen.

Here's an example of a bad friendship: I used to have a best friend named Claudia who decided to get into the drug scene rather than be my friend anymore. Nine years down the tube. And I finally broke down and tried to mend our friendship and told her about what was going on in my life, what with LeAnn and all, and you know she looked HAPPY that she had died. Smug. Like it served me right. This female who claimed to love children more than anything else in the world and to want a huge clan of them herself. So of course now I've severed ties from her.

My husband compares me to Shehulk,. It's one of his petnames for me. I'll bottle up my worries, my anger for as long as I can possibly take it, and then if I can't write - which is usually my way of venting .. which I've been doing a lot of lately - then I can explode. It's never nearly as volatile as the great Shehulk but it is as .. elemental may be the right word for it. And then it takes me a long time to cool off once I've finally gotten good and mad. I have a feeling the same will be true with my grief. But maybe I can help others in the process.

I also liked what you said about being normal. Yes, people want to be normal. I feel more normal here, because I see other people grieving in healthy ways rather than suppressing all your feelings, maybe letting it out once in a while just in a poem, but even that must remain private. How *dare* I share that with anyone?!

It's hard getting over your parents sometimes. They mean well, oh yes they do, but sometimes they don't always know what's best for the little ones. In a way, I think that by not discussing problems that they are being immature. Or maybe that's just me?

[shirleybjsmom]

Hi Paula

I very sorry for the loss of your little girl

i'm shirley, mother to 4 wounderful children age 29, 27, 20, and 17,I have become a member to BI through the untimely death of our youngest B.J. he unfortunately was involved in a automobile accident and did't survive his injuries. b.j. was our only son. Paula i won't lie it's been very hard i would have to say that i did better in the beginning i realize now it was the shock i was going through that acually cushioned everthing and then it left and reality sit in and i had to face that he was gone.i'm sorry i forgot to tell you that his death took place on oct.28th 2005. what has helped me is doing everything i can to keep his memory alive. i write alot, talk about him all the time.3 months after our wrestling team named our annual tournament after him to honor the person he stood for. it's about time for this years.i don't mean to keep going on about me. please feel free to contact me anytime on BI

[franki75]

hi shirley let me please first say how wonderful it is 2 hear from u... its amazing really cos to be honest that feeling of "being alone" is soooooooooooooo true, and i never really believed it untill recently. I am so very sori to hear about your precious boy.... my hearst sincereley goes out 2 u..... there really is nothing worse is there. my world has died and me with it.... i just wish i could feel somthing... anything.... everyone else is so upset but im just trying to carry on my day to day routine.... jess had so many physical probs that she was my entire life, now i just feel dead...i cant feel no emotions for anyone, not even my other 3 kids... i feel like everything is a pretence and i just cant stand being like this cos im normally such a fun loving bubbly mummy... which to b honest part of me still is,... but just not real... does that make any sense? i lost my mum when i was 18 mths old and my grandparents raised me... then i lost my grandad when i was 20, who was like a father to me... my grandma died when i was 14 and my other grandma is seriously ill just avin got over cancer but still nothing i felt then is how i feel now.... it seemed worse then than now and i just dont understand why. i cant even bare to think of jess.... i cant even allow myself to picture her face. every time i do i just shut it out... is that wrong? like i said b4 my heart sincerely goes out to you cos i wouldnt wish this feeling on the worst person in the world. thanku so much 4 contcting me.... please keep in touch... take care.... paula

[shirleybjsmom]

hey Paula,thank you for the kind words. you know I went through those same feelings. it seemed like the pain was to much to deal with when i would walk by and see a picture of B.J. and i must tell you that i'm crying right now at the fact we were put in this situation.i couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror for the first week of B.J.'S passing don't know why it was just one of those things. then there was that guilty feeling every time we'd do something that i might have fun at. i have since got past all of that. like to talk back soon

Shirley

[franki75]

hi again shirley... this is paula.... long story bout the user name... its so difficult in our position.... i could talk for hours upon hours about everything but it wont help i know..... i really cant xplain whats happening, everything just seems like a dream....im just not me anymore. i really dont know were to start. thanku so much 4 being here and i hope i can be the same comfort to u eventually... please keep in touch..

[ladyhitchhiker]

I lost my daughter charlie 25th febuary 2005 nearly two years ago and I think the grief and hurt worsens with time not gets any easier.I am finding it very hard as it will be her second anniversary in a few weeks and I dont feel I can cope with another day of crying in front of my 2 boys.

I feel the same way, that as the days pass, I think of her growing up and how much we are missing not having her. We lost our little girl Feb. 15th 2005, so 10 days before you lost your little girl.

[kagansmommy]

I lost my little boy, Kagan, January 28, 2005. I have to agree that the pain gets worse as time passes. My heart seems to continue to break and grow colder with each passing day. My light has gone out and my love of life has faded.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[lilly511]

I have to agree and add in to the recent trend here. It is coming up on two months now that we lost our Lilly-bug. It is harder now than it has been before.

Our older daughter(4) drew a picture of Lilly yesterday 'all grown up and playing a game.' That was really hard to see, but very awesome of her to understand her sister is in heaven and happy. Even though I have that understanding as well, it does not make it any easier as time goes by.

For me, the grief and pain seems to come in waves. We will always grieve and mourn. However, it seems at times we will do better, but other times will be horrible. Unfortunately, I am in one of the worse times right now. Before this weekend, I had been doing fine at work (music teacher) for several weeks. Right now, I don't want to go back for a while and be around others. I haven't been back since Friday. Does anybody else ever just take time off work? I just can't fathom going in and pretending to be alright for a bunch of people who don't care much about me.

I wish that time healed all. In this case, though, I feel that a lot of us do not want to be healed. I know I don't.

[shirleybjsmom]

Hello John

So good to here from you. I was worried that you wern't going to come back on and talk with us. How is your wife and your daughter? John please allow yourself time 2 months is not very long, the reality is sitting in as shock wears off. Talking with the people here on BI will help soften the pain a little. our pain will always be with us for the rest of our days in this life sometimes tuck deep in our hearts and souls so the outside world can't see our pain. then there are those days when we just can't hide our pain and the tears just don't stop. there are times i think that i can't do this anymore i miss b.j. so much. even though i know he's in heaven with God our father and Jesus Christ our Lord and savior and happier then we could imagine.

talk with you soon i hope and give your wife my hugs and i think of both of you often. Shirley

[lilly511]

Thanks Shirley. Jaime and Layla are doing alright. Jaime, my wife, has been such a huge help for me. When one of us seems like they are heading for a 'dark period', the other is there to take care of the other stuff like housework and things with Layla. I never thought one could learn so much from a 4-year-old, but she is such an impressive girl and we get a lot of strength from her. This I have to share to show how amazingly selflessly devoted to faith children can be. Whenever Layla talks about Lillian she says: "I have a baby sister, her name is Lilly and I love her very much. She's in heaven right now and we can't see her, but she's not sick. She is happy with Grandma, Papau and Jesus......We can talk to her whenever we want!" The other night she drew pictures of the people in our family we've lost over the past year. A truly amazing little girl.

On another point, isn't it just unbelievable when you hear other people talking about how hard or horrible their life is? You think in your head 'you have no idea', but don't want to say it out of fear of using your child's passing as a way of gaining more pity for yourself than the other person. Working around 7th-12th grade students, I get that a lot. A lot of times I don't know how to handle it.

I referred one of my co-workers to BI boards today. She lost her son earlier in November. I hope she tries it out. It is so nice to have compassionate people here.

Best to everyone here,

John

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I just lost my son on December 28th. He was born with a terminal illness and was only supposed to live 3 months but lived 6 years. I knew it was coming but doesn't make the pain any less.

[lilly511]

Dear Guest,

I, like all others here, are so sorry for your loss. Surely the last few weeks have probably been some of the darkest and hurtful that you have ever experienced. You will find others here who have felt that before. However, your grief is unique and you should hold that. Just because you knew it was going to happen doesn't take away from the pain. I'm sure other people have already told you this, but at least you get to cherish the 6 years you got to spend with your son. That is 6 more years than anyone originally thought. What a great blessing it is to have spent that time when nobody thought you would!

I know at a time like now, it is hard to think of 'blessings.' I know there are times when I think of our Lilly and having been blessed with her for 18 months. However, most of the time I wish we could have been more 'blessed' with her for a normal lifetime, getting to see her grow up.

Mostly, know that you can seek solace, help, or a listener here on these message boards.

Prayers and regards to you and your family,

John

[charliesmummy]

Hi everyone thought id come here nothing at all like this in the uk.I lost my little charlie on 25th february 2005 nearly 2 years ago.I cant sleep coz I have flashbacks and im terrified,anyone feel like this

[shirleybjsmom]

charliesmummy

i think we all go through the sleepless nights where all we think about is the inevitable I can't believe the time goes so fast, when it seems like yesterday that b.j. left us to go and be in the loving arms of our lord and savior.

shirley

[lilly511]

Hi charliemummy,

I have to agree with Shirley on this. It's something that you hate to make sound like its 'part of the routine', but not sleeping is something I have struggled with a lot as well. Having to work when you're not sleeping is not fun. Having to take Tylenol PM to sleep is not the best either, since it wears you down even more the next day and subsequent days after that. However, without it (at least for now) I wouldn't sleep much at all.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your little Charlie.

John

[shirleybjsmom]

Hi John good to hear from you.

Charliesmummy hi also.I chose to see b.j. the night of his accident, i had to have the proof that it was true. i often have times where the image of seeing his lifeless body laying on the table haunts me but then i throw myself into seeing him at the funeral home and he was so peaceful looking in his dress shirt, tie and black dress pants and can't help but know he has to be so much better off then we are in a place we can only imagine about the beauty of see God and his son Jesus Christ and all the loved ones that has went on before us.

[kagansmommy]

Today is my little boy Kagan's 2nd angel day. I miss him so bad. It's hard to believe he would be 3 1/2 if God had not taken him away.

Christy ~ kagansmommy forever

"Mommy loves you Kagan"