Loss of a Young Child

[buddhasmom]

Coming up on our year date. Each day closer gets harder and harder. The dreams keep me up at night.  Last year on this day, my son was alive, happy healthy, on vacation with his dad. This year, he's in the ground, in a tiny box, and he's cold...No laughter, no smiles, no happy hugs.... Today is hard for me, its supposed to be a love holdiay, for significant others and whatnot, but since i Had my kids, it's been about them, spoiling them, loving them... And i have one missing now. I couldnt go to work today. No one else understands why this day hurts so much. I didnt even get to spend it with him last year, didnt get to see his smiles when he opened his present.... I just hurt.

[logansmom]

MOMOF4- I feel guilt also. I feel I let Logan down as a  mother too. Logan was in the PICU unit in St Louis Childrens Hospital for 4 weeks. He had just moved up to the 12th floor which is the Rehabilitation for the children. We were on our way to going home in a few months. I thought it was safe. We had slept many nights for weeks in the lounge in chairs. But during the last 2 1/2 weeks we had gotten a room at the Ronald McDonald house. We had a real bed to sleep in and we could take a shower privately. So on the night of March 27, 2007 we went through our nightly routine. Logan had his clothes changed for bed, he had been given his medication, I had him all tucked in and put his television on Cartoon Network. I told him goodnight and that I would see him in the morning. I checked in with the night nurses and made sure they had all the phone numbers, cell numbers, RM house number and we left. I went to bed that night. I would have never guessed I would be getting a call at 1 am telling me to come to the hospital asap. He was gone. No real explanation. He had gone into cardiac arrest. Why?? I don't know. But it really didn't matter cause he was gone and there was nothing I could do. So I feel terrible guilt. I should have stayed. I should have stayed the night with him. I think if I would have stayed maybe I would have caught his distress before he went into cardiac arrest. But I will never know nor will I ever have the chance to change it. So I feel like Logan must be very disappointed in his mom. He should have never gone alone. That is a shame. Shame on me.

[mikesmum]

Logansmom - There is no shame to be felt........I truly believe Logans mum made sure he was loved, PJ's on, warm & comfortable.  I tend to think of it many ways as slipping away, sparing us of watching them go.....I maybe crazy. 

The death of a child is a violation of the natural order of life...it leaves behind a never ending period of whys whatifs and ifonlys.......

Truth be told and as harsh as it sounds, nothing, including being present can alter the outcome.....

Be kind to yourself, just by being Logans mum with all that entailed your baby knew in his heart you loved and cared for him....he slipped away in the night maybe to spare you from the rigors of a Cardiac Arrest...........

Such a young life, such a sad story........Take Care Trudi.

 

[lyndsey]

I understand your pain. It has been 7 months since I lost my son at 24 weeks. I wish I could say time heals but even 7 months later it is still very painful and the grief is just as profound.   Each day I say my son's name, that brings me comfort. Be strong mom and know that you are not alone.

[buddhasmom]

Well, we've made it past the year mark. No easier, no less painful. You think you get better at hiding it, and pretending things are fine...but you dont. The people that know you see it, feel it. You get that sympathy...those looks, and you just wanna smack someone. A look cant bring him back, a look doesnt make me any better. It annoys me. ITS MY PAIN AND I DESERVE TO HAVE IT! Leave me alone!

We had planned to get Donovan a puppy on his 3rd birthday. That day never truly came....so there was no puppy. Well, a couple weeks ago, we got one. Unplanned. We walked into the pet store, and there he was, OUR puppy. Donovan's puppy. So, we brought him home. And he has filled a hole in each one of us. I needed a baby, something to take care of, my husband needed someone to hold, to be with all day while my daughter and i were gone, my daughter needed a friend to play with. Little D, (or Donovan's Little Mischief) has exceeded all our expectations. I took him to meet Donovan yesterday, or maybe so Donovan could meet him. It was so hard, looking at a piece of stone and saying look baby, we finally got you your puppy. And the puppy, just snuggled closer to me, and let my tears fall on him.

[buddhasmom]

Well, we've made it past the year mark. No easier, no less painful. You think you get better at hiding it, and pretending things are fine...but you dont. The people that know you see it, feel it. You get that sympathy...those looks, and you just wanna smack someone. A look cant bring him back, a look doesnt make me any better. It annoys me. ITS MY PAIN AND I DESERVE TO HAVE IT! Leave me alone!

We had planned to get Donovan a puppy on his 3rd birthday. That day never truly came....so there was no puppy. Well, a couple weeks ago, we got one. Unplanned. We walked into the pet store, and there he was, OUR puppy. Donovan's puppy. So, we brought him home. And he has filled a hole in each one of us. I needed a baby, something to take care of, my husband needed someone to hold, to be with all day while my daughter and i were gone, my daughter needed a friend to play with. Little D, (or Donovan's Little Mischief) has exceeded all our expectations. I took him to meet Donovan yesterday, or maybe so Donovan could meet him. It was so hard, looking at a piece of stone and saying look baby, we finally got you your puppy. And the puppy, just snuggled closer to me, and let my tears fall on him.

[buddhasmom]

Donovan's Little Mischief

or

Little D

 

 

[mikesmum]

buddasmom - I can't begin to imagine the emotions, the pain with losing such a precious little boy.  I was blessed to have Mike for 31 yrs, something I thank the powers that be for each time I read posts here.

Your puppy is gorgeous.  I was always a cat person.  Our last family pet died 15 yrs ago and I never entertained the idea of having another one.  But a couple of months after Mike died I found myself in front of a shop window staring at a litter of shitzu/maltese puppies.  In the middle was this little black and white pup, more border collie than shitzu/maltese. 

Muttley is connected to me - sent I think from Mike and his granddad to watchover me.  He sits with me now as I write, moves me to walk each day and stares with big brown eyes as my tears flow.....

May your bundle give you strength and make your journey just that little bit easier...

Take Care - Trudi

[joshuasbro]

It is funny, you expect Christmas to be hard, but I am finding all the Easter goodies in the stores hard to deal with.  Joshua loved holidays and Easter was no exception.  Even though he was 10, he still got an Easter bunny in his basket.   He loved yellow or golden bunnies.  Each child had a different color bunny.  Last Easter we were on a trip to visit my husband who was in our Wyoming state hospital at the time.  The kids had fun in a hotel with a swimming pool.  (not something we could really afford much of).  So many memories keep crashing in on me.  I could barely finish buying groceries because I had to fight back the tears.  I thought I had gotten past the grocery store block.  Just those silly Easter bunnies and things.  I have to buy for my living children but not for my oldest who was always so excited.  Most important for me is that Easter is when (I believe) Jesus was raised from the dead and paved the way for my son to be in Heaven now.  It is just hard to face the memories of each special holiday/event for the first time without my boy.  Take care all of you.

Sal

[wyomingsal]

oops,  I did it again.   My son just got an account so I have to watch out.  I just typed the last entry under Joshuasbro which is my son, not me.  I will have to try to watch that. 

Sal

[momof04]

Sal I so understand. The 6th month mark has put me in a real funk and then seeing all the easter stuff and the kids asking"mom are you going to do baskets this year" I wanted to say No because the other kids were older, if it wasn't for Jayme I wouldn't have done them anymore. But now that she is gone I feel I have to do it for them so things are like they were.

[gagesmommy]

Hi everyone,

Well today is my 9 week marker. I thought that some of my emotions had subsided, but I was wrong. I was at work on Thursday and my mom sent me a text message about how it was our 2 month marker and to take solice in the fact that Gage was up in heaven not trapped in his body anymore smiling on me. I broke down. Then about an hour later I called my partner at home and he said "how's it going" and I lost it even worse and started bawling. I'm not ready for this.

I am trying to do a lot of reading about life after a child's passing, but they all somehow seem to make it worse. I feel completely guilty for what happened to him and keep kicking myself about why did I walk away? (My son drowned in our bathtub when I ran out to get him a diaper to get him out of the tub) I keep reasoning with myself that I was only gone to the next room for a few seconds and that everyone does it, but it hurts so bad to know that I could have prevented it. I feel completely guilty. Terry, my partner, has been amazing, but through out all of this I still am not getting any comfort. I am a mess. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm seeing a councillor and doing all of that, but I'm not sure if I am ready for it yet. I have returned back to work and I drag myself throughout every day. I can't do this. I want him back so bad. I want to smell him, I want to kiss him, I want to love him. I wish that I would have gotten to say goodbye properly and I didn't. I feel guilty.

Thanks for listening to me rant about how I'm losing my mind.

Jocelin.

P.S. I love you Gagey. You always were my angel.

[wyomingsal]

I am so sorry Gages Mommy for your loss.

Every mom feels responsible for their child's death right or not.  I let my son go to the spillway to play not knowing the water the was high that day and he jumped in and drowned.  My heart hurts every day with that knowledge.  Most people in our community haven't judged me poorly thank Heavens.  I hope no one is coming down harshly upon you.  We all have lapses of judgement as a parent and most of time nothing bad happens.  Not one of us is perfect.  But the guilt must be eating you up inside every day.  You never in your wildest dreams would have left him for even a second if you had know what was going to happen.  I am a Christian and believe we will be reunited with our children in eternity.  God forgives us for our flaws as parents.  It takes much longer for us to forgive ourselves. 

God's love and peace upon you,

Sal

[mikesmum]

Jocelin - Its the whatifs, ifonlys, whys that bring the most pain and anguish.  If we could just take back that one moment in time.........As Sal says, we have all experienced that momentary lapse that in the most part hasn't had any impact.

I wish I had the words to ease your mind.  But truth be told we all relive the last minutes, hours, days and weeks of our childs life looking for something that might change the outcome.

Best I can offer - take it easy on yourself.  Gage's was a loved and cared for little boy. "The depth of the pain we feel is reflective of the love we have for our child".

His picture is something that gives us a face to his name,  if you feel able, share some more of Gages life.

Thoughts are with you.....Trudi

[gagesmommy]

sal and mike's mum,

Thanks. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. This is the worst hurt that I've had to deal with and I'm sorry that everyone here, along with myself know what this hurt feels like all too well.

I also believe that one day we will be reunited, but some days it can't be soon enough. I know he's up there and that he's being his little brother's and my guardian angel now and he's forgiven me for not being there to save him. As horrible as this sounds, I am almost glad. He's not stuck in his wheelchair anymore. I believe that there are no wheelchairs in heaven and that he can run, laugh and talk like all of the other angels up there. I keep telling myself that anyways, I have completely isolated myself from my God since this has happened.

There will always be the what if's and why's, but how come, just for a moment we cannot go back and change what has happened?My younger son misses his brother so much and it's hard to explain to him that his brother is an angel now. He keeps asking for him and it almost seems at times like he is talking to him (he's only 2), but

still I know that he is hurting for him as badly as I am.

Does this pain ever lessen? I don't want to forget a single thing about my boy, and I'm scared I may. I've been doing a lot of writing, so that I can remember what and who he was, but I'm still scared I'll forget.

Thanks again,

Jocelin

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone, I don't know you as I post in the loss of adult children section, but wadered here to just see your names, read your stories. My heart is breaking for you all, such recent losses and so much guilt. I agree with MIkesmum, the guilt is something that is punishing and really, losing your child is the ulitimate in pain so adding to it with guilt...just makes it all worse. Our children died. Had I stayed on the phone with my girl, Erica, for a moment longer, chances are the whole evening would have unfolded a bit differently, she would not have left the house just when she did and the whole chain of events may have not occured. But there is no take-backs. Erica would not want me to spend a moment of time in guilt, why? Because she loves me, the way your children love you; completely and utterly. You love your children adn tha is for all time, just as they love you. They need you to find ways to be healthy, emotionally and spiritually, and physically. Please try to be good to yourselves, drink plenty of water adn sip some herbal tea with honey which is comforting and helps with sleep. Eat healthy foods to give you the energy you need to go on. Grief takes a great deal out of us. Take walks or bike rides to get some fresh air while you give your body what it needs. Do for yourself what you would advise a friend in the same situation to do. The first and second year are so hard, but I do promise, that eventually you will start to find a way to live that honors your children, and that means living your best life in thier light.

Peace to All,

Dee

[mamabets]

For buddahhasmom~ My brother's call me Buddha for a nickname~ My name is Betsy, AND we have 4 doxies...

My hubby calls them our 16 feet. They are 10-15, and alive and well. I have told them all "Do NOT you ever think about leaving this place called life before me..."

May this little note find a way to let you know that we are all connected, and that my Danny, big and strong and 25 when he left this world, will take care of your little angel...xo

Yes, my friend, this does soften. It does not get easier, but it softens, and that has a way of making it feel as if it might be getting easier. That may sound complicated, but it is the truth~ When I find myself thinking "Is this getting easier??, I then say "Please don't...It's all a part of Danny now"

We do learn to walk with this grief. That is a quote from a Mom here...We walk with this grief beside us, and while we don't EVER get over it, there are many detours along our way that help..

Helpful detours...Imagine that!! If I see a detour on a road, I go into full blown panic mode..If I "feel" a detour in my heart, I can go with it..

It takes time, and the best thing that all of us can do is be at a place like Beyond Indigo..I have been here for some time now, as my Danny departed in June of 2004, but there are times that I just come and read with all of the other lost souls here~

Many times I do not post, and others I try to write to everyone~

There is no right or wrong way of doing this. I wish there were, but I do get comfort knowing that Danny is here, still, just differently, and he will NEVER know an agony like this...He will never lose at life like we have~ They are all, our angels, among each other, and free from any kind of life pain. And, there is so much life pain~

It will never touch them...Never, ever, ever again~ 

LOVE

mamabets

GRIEF.bmp

[mamabets]

For gagesmommy~ I too, like Dee, am typically on Loss of an Adult Child, but I wander around here as well...

The guilt, while I did not have any, per se, I have spent countless hours "wondering"...

Perhaps all of it, these 5 stages of grief that they refer to, are all just blended together in my head~The 5 definate stages...

I can not even recall all of them, but guilt is one of them...Bargaining, another.. You know, the "I would do this, for that" type of feeling...

They are all haunting, and they appear and re-appear from time to time.

With time, this does soften. It will not remain as torturous as it is now...

Bless your heart...I pray for all of us here, and little Gage is another added angel that has grabbed a hold of my heart. They all do, and I see each of them as my garden of angels in my back yard is blooming, beautifully...

LOVE

mamabets

[gagesmommy]

Hi all,

Thank-you for the replies. The stages  of grief that I am  going through are  so tough. I have accepted the fact that on this earth I will never see my Gage again, but I am still so angry with that thought. He lived such a short difficult life and I would never  wish for him to have to come back to that and do it all again, but I still wish that he was here or I would have said a better good-byr to him. The last time that I held him was when I was pulling him out of the tub when I found him. That[s not something that Iwant to remember. At his viewing I pulled up a chair next to his coffin and sat there and cried for him and spent the majority of the 2 hours sitting there but I still feel like that wasn't enough. Seeing his coffin close for the last time was excrutiating knowing that my babies face would never see sunlight again. This guilt is eating me alive.

There are so many what if's and could I have done that differently??? I know that you can't go back and change them, but it is still so hard. I feel like I am going through this alone. Terry understands what is going on, but because he's not Gage's father and he doesn't understand what losing someone is like he doesn't know how to react. He asked me last week why I gad been so bitchy lately...... Can't he understand what I am going through???? I'm not going to just bounce back like that... I get so frustrated with him at times.

I see people say on these boards that the second year is tougher than the first. Is that humanly possible????

I went back to work about 4 weeks ago, just part time. I've been struggling so badly with it.I have to drag myself through everything. How do I tell Terry and my work that I'm just not ready to be back. I love my job, I just can't do it right now. I don't even care about the money. Money has never been a big worry for us. I know that it helps take my mind off of things going on, but I don[t know.. I don't know it=f I can do it.  I feel like I'm drowning, but I'm trying to be strong. It's not working.

Sorry to vent again. I find this really helps.

Jocelin

 

[ericasmom]

JOcelin, I so hope that your husband is open to going to counseling with you or supporting you going to a therapist. The guilt issues are so very huge right now and you need so me help to get through them and understand how to alleviate some of this. You are back in those last moments too often to feel productive at work and I hate the thougth of you not being understood at home. Home needs to be a place you can let it all out. My husband too, is not the father of my kids, not a father at all and so the first few months were very hard because I was not the same person that I was before the accident that took my girl. I can never be that same girl again. Over time, I went to therapy, and I also asked my husband to read some posts and to read some of the literature written about grief. That helped tremendously. Going back to work can be a good thing for some and not so great for others. There is no right or wrong way, grief is as individual as it can be. While there are universal stages of grief, we are all of us different in each stage. I don't want you to worry about the second year being harder than the first...you have enough on your plate. It is harder for some than others, and not so for some others. Again, individual.

Your little boy loves you Jocelin, he always will. He would want you to take very good care of yoruself because he loves you. He doesn't hurt anymore. I think our angels know that we can't just not hurt anymore, that we will alwasy ache, but they need us to go on and live our best lives in order to honor them. So please try to rest, and know that there are people out there to help you, some great books to read about grief, and this place where you can totally let loose and be loved adn supported.

Peace and hope,

Dee

[caitsmom]

Dear Parents,

I'm so sorry for all our losses. I lost my baby girl Caitlin and wanted to share another on-line resource with you. http://www.globalgriefnetwork.com/Welcome.html

These are podcasts of discussions of grief by a professional grief counselor and a bereaved mother. I found their conversations to be frank, insightful, and I just wanted to share with other parents.

Peace,

caitsmom

[caitsmom]

Having the worst time with Mother's Day; the day that children everywhere wrap their arms around Mom and say, "I love you." My baby never grew enough to do that, so I'm left with feeling her love in the breeze and in my heart delivered from heaven on angel wings. I'm thinking of celebrating by doing some kind of nurturing work for other's that day, so I can feel like a mother, rather than being sad about someone else not MAKING me feel like a mother.

What do other's do for this Hallmark Nightmare Day?

(Oh, have you read about Julia Ward Howe? Very interesting history of Mother's Day)

Peace,

Caitsmom

[augie911]

Hi Caitsmom,

We lost our 5 yr. old daughter 2 years ago and I still can't get over how fast the time has past.  I keep asking "where have I been for 2 yrs"?.  Mother's Day is always the hardest for me.  All the wonderful things she would do and say.  How special she made me feel to be her Mommy.  Unfortunately, people say the darndest things when you loose a child, especially on Mother's Day.  I think doing something for others is a great idea.  You will truly be blessed.  What a gift to be able to look outside your grief and bless someone else with your wonderful presence.  Good luck and may your memories bring you comfort everyday.

 

Mira's Mom, Natalie

[caitsmom]

Well, the Mother's Day is over and it was fine, I guess. The day before, I went to the cemetery and visited Caitlin's grave and then other baby's graves. I also sent Cait's Grandmothers Mother's Day cards and her Godmother a card as well. It made me feel like a mom to sign her name. I few days earlier I hosted a BBQ for some students and helped them celebrate their graduation. I wish I could have done more on the day, but I was folded into myself that day. My DH gave me flowers and a card and that felt great. I've sunk into three days of bad insomia, this is the third night I've been up past 4AM. I can't stop writing, stringing images together, reading posts books poetry, and putting her book together.

In their memory. Peace to all,

caitsmom

[mikesmum]

Caitsmom - It never ceases to amaze me how we all have the ability to 'bring it together' for a short space of time only to fall into that free fall of insomnia with a mind that races faster than the body can keep up.

I only know this is part of my 'normal exisitence' now.  It doesn't sit will with everyone else and it certainly raises concerns with those who have never been on this never ending journey.  

I hope you find just the right poetry, words and images for your book.  Sometimes finding that one thing that reflects our thoughts eases our pain are found in the twilight hours when we least expect it...

Rest when you are able, just be when you can.............take care Trudi

[caitsmom]

Thanks, Trudi. It has been difficult. My DH gets worried that "I'm falling backward." But, I know that this is how my journey of grief simply. is. Thanks for validating those feelings for me. Wishing us all peace.

In their memory,

caitsmom

[gagesmommy]

Hi all,

Sorry, it's been a while since I replied to anything. No my partner is not open to going to counselling with me. He thinks that I need to work through it first.  I was talking to my mom the other night and she said that we had to make the decision about what was going to happen, whether we were going to be another statistic and let it tear us apart or whether we were going to make it a stepping block in keeping us togher.

It's still up in the air about where its going now. I'm not sure that I have enough in my heart to care right now. I feel pretty dead inside.  It is so hard to see all the new people here. I know how badly my heart broke,  I just wish no one else had the same hurt to go through. I guess we are never given more than we can handle, although sometimews that seems doubtful. \Our children were amazing gifts to us. their spirits will continue to be our amazing gifts that we can cherish for the rest of our lives.

Sorry I'm rambling,

Jocelin

[DawnFisher]

I have removed some posts relating to a controversy regarding the comparison of our website forum with links to another forum - as it does not have a place in this thread.  We are all here because we have lost a child - it is not helpful to have comments that hurt others.  Beyond Indigo is a free forum and we are here to offer a cyberhome for those who grieve - so that they know they are always welcome and never alone.  What makes Beyond Indigo work is the network of grieving people who have "the gift" of helping others.  Thank you all for helping to keep this forum working so well and for suggesting Beyond Indigo forums to those who are grieving. 

Danny's Mom,

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

[lucylover]

i lost my son 6 weeks ago and he went to sleep and i found him lifeless.   I  also feel guilty because he wasnt feeling good and he took a nap alot earlier than usuall.I wish I had put him on me to nap and hold him.I let him sleep for 2 hours and I now think I heard him make a noise and I now think the noise he made is when he died.Dont feel guilty.It is hard to beleive that things happen for a reason when it happens to yourself but it is true.God needed more angels.I am not a big religious person but I have my beliefs .I now  you  wish  you  hadnt left your son and I understand how you feel but you cant bear the guilt just bear the pain of loosing him and grieve your loss of your angel.I am finding ways to make my sons  death have a purpose.I am donating his toys to special shelters that will have meaning to me.It  will  help  me  with  the  pain. knowing his things are going to kids who really need help from others makes me feel  his death  is bring joy to  kids  he didnt know.i THINK i am still in numb mode.I still feel its not true.I am blessed my 2 year old made a difference in this world.He  had  more  people  at  his  service  than  I  would  have.I  live  in  a comunity  and my  neighbors     new  and  loved  my  son .This  all  helps  me deal  with  my  loss.THANKS ROBYN GOOD  LUCK

[lucylover]

You have been dealt alot.I never bragged of my son i lost 6 weeks ago but now I tell all how great he was.He also touched alot of lives and because of that i have had so much to be blessed with,I have neighbors saying they dont know me but they new my son and what a beautifull child he was.He was almost 2 he was loved by so many.Just remind your son that you are glad he survived but be honest that you have alot on your plate.Kids understand us when we are honest and open.my daughter was so close to her brother .She was like a step mother more than a sister.She has lost a brother as well as  me loosing a child.Good luck Robyn

[lucylover]

I too have a Ryan .he was turning 2 this month.I was told 3 to 4 months for a report from the coroner.Why I ask we as parents have to wait so long.I know why but its unfair to have to wait to find out what took our angels to heaven.My son took a nap and never woke up.I keep thinking if I had woken him up earlier to check on him.He had a little fever.I am sorry for your loss.I have never loss anyone before this and I now can understand others pain from there loss.ROBYN

[lucylover]

[align=left]my brother did the same thing but he through a real cellphone   down the toilet and flushed,lets just say we had to get a new toilet.also my phone he through down heater duck.ryans sister victoria

[/align]

[cameronsmom1]

Dear all, I have created a page on myspace for those who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or any type of death. It has some great songs on it, great quotes, and poems (some that I wrote and some that I found). It is a place where you can go and write anything you need to talk about or get out kind of like this. It is really nice to talk to others that have been through what you have. Please take a look at it and if you have a myspace add it if not just feel free to browse. Thanks Amanda

http://www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[cameronsmom1]

[align=center]Our Goodbye

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[align=center]We never thought we’d say goodbye before we got to say hello

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[align=center]We have so many questions but there’s things we’ll never know

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[align=center]Everything happens for a reason and although it isn’t fair

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[align=center]We all wish that we were with you there

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[align=center]It hurt so much to know that there was nothing we could do

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[align=center]And we never got the chance to spend our time with you[/align]

[align=center]There will always be a spot for you in everybody’s heart

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[align=center]And that’s our way of knowing we’ll never be apart

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[align=center]So many people loved you although you never met

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[align=center]But there’s little things about you we never will forget

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[align=center]Your brother may not understand but he did love you so

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[align=center]And when it comes the time we’ll help him to let go

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[align=center]It’s so hard for me and daddy to have to say goodbye

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[align=center]And hard to think about you and try not to cry

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[align=center]You’re a beautiful baby boy and we wish you could have stayed[/align]

[align=center]But we will try to be strong and we’ll take it day by day[/align]

[align=center]This is our goodbye although it’s the last thing we want to do[/align]

[align=center]So rest in peace our baby boy we will always love you[/align]

[cameronsmom1]

Hi my name is Amanda Wittner and this is my story. April 5th, my son Brayden Jeremiah Wittner was stillborn. Through my whole pregnancy everything was normal, all the tests, ultrasound, and everything. I started having a lot of swelling when I was 36 weeks so I was sent to get tested for preeclampsia and when I took my 24 hour urinalysis back to the hospital I was feeling a lot of pressure so I decided to go get checked in the er. I was fully thinned out and dilated to a 3 having contractions every 2 minutes. They tried giving me the shot to stop it since I was only 36 weeks but it didn't stop. My Dr. came to break my water and the fluid was tea colored. Once the water was broke they couldn't pick up a heart rate so they did an ultrasound. Come to find out my babies heart had stopped beating at least a week before and he had fluid around his heart. So I had to call everyone that was on there way to the hospital and tell them that my baby was gone. I still had to deliver which was so hard. Knowing I was going through all that work and I don't even get to hear my baby cry or take my baby home. It is the hardest thing i've ever been through. Below is a poem that I wrote for his funeral.

[steves]

hai Amanda Wittneri it is very sorry to hear your story..i didn't find any where like this.you are very brave person and such a nice person to do all these things.your child brayden jeremiah is very lucky to having you as amother.

____________________________________________

steves

california dui

[cameronsmom1]

Thank you so much. That means a lot. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for my four year old son and my husband. Braydeb was my husbands first born and would have been the first grandson in his family and it was so hard for him and his parents. I'm so thankful for my son cameron because he is what keeps us going. He always seems to know what to say when I am having one of my bad days. He wipes my tears and tells me its going to be ok and I believe him. The other day we were talking and he asks me where the moon comes from and so I asked him where he thought it came from. He said I think it came from heaven. I think heaven threw it down here for us. And so just to see what he thought I said well what is heaven. He said you know, its where they take care of all the sick babies. It was so cute to hear this from him and it made me realize that my baby is being taken care of in heaven. I'm sorry to hear of everyones loss and hope that we can all get through this together.

Amanda

[DawnFisher]

Hello -

I am posting Kelly's original post from the home page of www.beyondindigo.com/forums under the "Please Tell Us" thread "Beyond Indigo Reunion."  I thought that many of you might not have seen it there.  If you are interested in atteding a Beyond Indigo Reunion - or would like to help us in the planning stages...please post on that thread.

Thanks!

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

Hello all,

We are thinking about hosting a Beyond Indigo Reunion in Peoria, ILL next spring. It would allow people to meet other Beyond Indigo members in person. Could you please let us know if this would be something that would interest you? We would have social events by type of loss (child, parent, spouse etc). If this is of interest for people we would also be looking for "hosts" for each type of loss to plan events for that loss group. Please chime in!

Thanks

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947

[Kitty]

Hey everyone,

All of the storie's that I have just read really do hit home, it's almost like your re-living the nightmare all over again. I'm so very sorry for all of the pain that you have all suffered and I must apologise as I really cannot explain myself, thoughts and feelings correctly but I too have have lost a beauitful little one to drowning. Every situation and aspect of losing a child ruins everything but when you feel guilty, ashamed, empty and alone - what do you do???

I'm sure there have been many people who couldn't understand when or how your baby falls asleep due to water ashixiation?!?!

What do you say? I dread the thought of people asking me how he passed away!

[Kyle]

My niece drown in her neighbors pool it will soon be 3 years but It is sometimes a sore spot for me. I live thousands of miles away. My family never calls unless its something bad. I went to the psychic earlier that week and she told me to keep my black haired daughter away from the fence.- I talked to my sister on the phone friday night, I told her i thought the psychic was silly but relayed the message because my neice had dark hair. I hung up the phone and turned it off -they never called anyway right? My sister went to the bathroom and my neice went straight to the neighbors wood deck gate not locked, and drown, My sister left several frantic messages for me. Sunday my family called the town police- worried. They told us to call home ASAP. So sunday I was told she drown. I still sometimes have a hard time with it - I my sister will never be the same, shes still guilt ridden and in pain- my daughter lost her favorite friend. There isnt a thing I can do to help my sister. Yeah i feel some guilt that i turned the phone off. Ma be the psychic wasn't nuts. My daughter barely remembers her cousin. I lost my beautiful neice , the sister i used to know, and in some part my whole family that day. Yes i wish i had the phone on but what could i have done? I did my best to report people saying hurtful things on the newspaper article online to protect her. I regret i couldnt go there for the funeral- she hasnt let me see the video yet (probly never will). We dont have a relationship anymore. I can't stand the person she has become and she has pushed me away anyway. I am a good person and have done what i could for her. Today the pain is raw, a too small bandaid ripped off a gaping heart wound.

[beckymaldonado]

Feb 19 marked my lil angels two month mark i thought i was doing good only crying if i seen baby girls about what Eva would have been if she would have lived i try not to cry or break down for my husband and 4yr old but sometimes you just cant and you never know what stage of greif it is thats making you so upset im sorry if i upset any one when i say this but rite now i guess mine would be anger anger to god for taking her from me before i even met her and anger to those women you see on tv that killed there babies cause they didnt want them and anger to the mothers that are plessed with multible children but dont want them or dont care about them i sit here everyday wishing that time machines were real so that i could go back to during my pregnancy the week before i lost her so that I could have told them to induce me that day but you can't go back

[517958]

Hi Becky,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby Eva. I'm not much farther out on this horrible journey nobody wants to take. I lost my 5 year old daughter, Charlotte on July 6th 2011 when she drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work. I still ask God to turn back time and let me wake up on the morning of July 6th so I can save my little girl. From what I've seen on this site, we all go through similar thoughts: we have anger at the people that hurt our children and anger and guilt for ourselves for not being able to save our babies and anger at God for taking them from us. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Try to be good to yourself, get rest when you can, eat as best as you can and take care of your surviving child the best you can. That's all we can do. Meanwhile, I take comfort in knowing I will be reunited with my Charlotte someday.

[beckymaldonado]

I'm sorry for you loss as well my Eva was stillborn and I've still got the what ifs and should haves goin on I only have my pregnancy to remember her by don't know how I would be if she would have been older but if you need to talk I could just be a person to listen losing a child sucks no matter at what age you loose them its like they say parents shouldn't out live their kids

[beckymaldonado]

Its been one of the hard days I miss my Tempi sooo much today my son asked when he was going to get to see his sister I told him he couldn't cause she was in heaven he said ohh I really wanted to see her I just startedcrying in the middle of Walmart she would have been 3months this week I feel like no one thinks about her anymore but me I toss and turn all nite every nite thinking about her how I should be waking up to feed her or just setting around holding her my husband doesn't talk about her he returned every think we got at babyshower with out asking me I was listening to Whitney Houston's song when you believe and I don't believe in mirecals anymore I don't have any beliefs anymore some days I get so low I don't want to be here anymore then I see my son and start crying because I got low enough to think about not being here with him anymore

[Maddy6]

Becky,I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain and for your loss of your precious little girl. I lost my daughter at 22 years old, 4 years ago, following relocating to Texas from Hurricane Katrina. I still struggle trying to recover. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a precious little baby. I have 6 children including my daughter who died. I know you must be so heartbroken. The loss of a child is one of the most difficult things to bear. We are here for you. If you post in the thread 'loss of adult child,' there are many more who post on there. All are welcome regardless of the child's age, it does not need to have been an adult child. You will find many more who want to be here for you, to comfort you, and help you on this difficult journey.Love, Maddy

[beckymaldonado]

Thank you I'm so very sorry for your loss as well can anyone tell me if the loss of there child has caused their marriage to not be such a marriage anymore my husband and I lost our second child Dec 19 2012 she would have been 4 months tomorrow and since we lost her we hardly talk we've never really even talked about loosing her and since then it feels like we are roommates instead of husband and wife we hadn't even been married a hole year yet but we have been together for 11 yrs I'm dealing with so many things rite now he says I need a job and I'm not ready for one I still cry wen I see other babies or sometimes I wake up to a baby crying then I remember she's not here then add all the issues of loosing a child and put marriage problems and still having to put on happy mask for my 4 yr old I think I'm reaching the end of my rope I'm just so tired of it all I dream almost every night that I had a time machine and I go back to my last Dr appointment when she was still alive and tell Dr I want to be induced that nite but then I wake and realize that's never going to happen and I have to live with the fact that I killed my baby I know everyone's going to say oh u can't say that you idnt do anything wrong it they looked at her after I had her and there was nothing wrong with placenta or cord or her and I had no complications duringi pregnancy I made husband have intercourse the nite of Dr apmt and I let my sister talk me into doing squates that day to I was doin all these things to make me go into labor but when I stopped feeling her move I waited 3 days before I went to hospital guess I was like most people thinking nothing bad would happen but then that sun came and my whole life went to hell and back I think part of me is still there I don't care or believe in anything I look at my son and get angry at him and his father cause they get to have the father son thing and I don't get mother daughter things and then I hate myself more for thinking like that towards my family its not their fault I'm couldn't keep her alive I'm goin to go now I feel raw from spilling my guts I haven't told anyone that I feel this way

[beckymaldonado]

Thank you I'm so very sorry for your loss as well can anyone tell me if the loss of there child has caused their marriage to not be such a marriage anymore my husband and I lost our second child Dec 19 2012 she would have been 4 months tomorrow and since we lost her we hardly talk we've never really even talked about loosing her and since then it feels like we are roommates instead of husband and wife we hadn't even been married a hole year yet but we have been together for 11 yrs I'm dealing with so many things rite now he says I need a job and I'm not ready for one I still cry wen I see other babies or sometimes I wake up to a baby crying then I remember she's not here then add all the issues of loosing a child and put marriage problems and still having to put on happy mask for my 4 yr old I think I'm reaching the end of my rope I'm just so tired of it all I dream almost every night that I had a time machine and I go back to my last Dr appointment when she was still alive and tell Dr I want to be induced that nite but then I wake and realize that's never going to happen and I have to live with the fact that I killed my baby I know everyone's going to say oh u can't say that you idnt do anything wrong it they looked at her after I had her and there was nothing wrong with placenta or cord or her and I had no complications duringi pregnancy I made husband have intercourse the nite of Dr apmt and I let my sister talk me into doing squates that day to I was doin all these things to make me go into labor but when I stopped feeling her move I waited 3 days before I went to hospital guess I was like most people thinking nothing bad would happen but then that sun came and my whole life went to hell and back I think part of me is still there I don't care or believe in anything I look at my son and get angry at him and his father cause they get to have the father son thing and I don't get mother daughter things and then I hate myself more for thinking like that towards my family its not their fault I'm couldn't keep her alive I'm goin to go now I feel raw from spilling my guts I haven't told anyone that I feel this way

[517958]

Yes, men and women grieve differently and so it's hard to stay on the same page most days. I think sometimes that's actually a good thing since when I'm down and can't care for our children, my husband can and vice versa. It is important though, that you be able to grieve together once in a while. We find in helpful to go to grief groups so we can talk to others that know how we're feeling. My husband doesn't often show his grief but he does let his guard down when we're in these groups. There's also one on one counseling available if you or he are shy in front of larger groups. See if there's a Compassionate Friends or other grief groups in your areas. Hospitals, especially children's hospitals usually have good groups available. Good luck and try to be good to yourself and to him. You're both going through more than anyone should have to endure.