Loss of a Young Child

[4everjoeysmom]

I completely agree with Parmeter32's warning message. While anti-depressants undoubtedly have been more helpful than not to a vast population of people experiencing clinical depression, there are extreme dangers and side effects for many. Unfortunately news headlines are not as interested in sharing that information with the general public as often as it occurs, because the negative impact on drug companies would be profound if every case of suicide/homicide were to be reported as a result of the drugs severly altering rationale and behavior patterns. A similar situation occurred in the family of my mother's cancer surgeon. His wife, as a result of irrationale thoughts caused by her antidepressant medication tried to kill their two sons. She succeeded with the older, and the younger thankfully survived being stabbed several times. This family is very well educated, was very publicly known and involved in community, etc, no history of violence or abuse.

Feelings of depression are a very common symptom of deep grief, as are feelings of despair in the darkest of moments. Often times we fall vulnerable to suggestions that antidepressants will be the magic cure of those feelings, but many times it's just a band aid. For those that truly "need" antidepressants because of chemical imbalances and clinical depression, they can be a lifesaver. But I can only imagine how many people are prescribed antidepressants that truly could and would survive without them, and perhaps would benefit more by counseling and other support avenues to cope through grief. I echo strongly what Parmeter says. Please consider wisely all of the facts regarding antidepressants, their side affects and warnings, and all of the other options out there for help and support through times of deep grieving. Your life could depend on it.

Parmeter32, what a beautiful boy! I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope and pray that your family and community have lifted you in kindness and support, and that coming here to BI has offered some comfort. We all here are forever changed by our losses, but enriched by having had them in our lives for however long or short they were here. I believe that it hurts so badly because the love is so profound. I am grateful to have known love like that, and I pray that I will always be able to honor that and my son in some beautiful and profound way through that love. Blessings, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, children and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[buddhasmom]

Some days, i just want to give up and let the darkness have me. The days where you just realize, youre alone, and always will be. That one person youre supposed to have, hates you now. Crying only makes your face wet, yelling only hurts your voice, and there is nothing left to do but hurt alone.

[lilly511]

Buddhasmom, I think we all have those days. For me, they come in spurts (as far as I know) and come many at a time. I have been dealing with those types of days for the past few weeks now, after having a time before that was..ok.

Honestly, after a lot of thought, I REALLY don't want to start on anti-depressants. Its not the health effects it could have on you that scare me off, but I just find it hard to go on medication for something that happened in my life. I guess what I fear the most is that it will take the pain of the suffering away. I know that's kind of what they are designed for, but if I can't have our Lilly, then I want the pain that goes with not having her here with us. I can't have both, but I don't want to have neither......its one or the other, and unfortunately, its the worse one.

As you all can tell by the time I'm posting this, it is 3 in the morning on a school day, which means I'll be leaving for work in 3 hours, which means I haven't slept tonight. I am not sure if some of this inability to sleep will stick around or not.....we are going on six months since Lilly died, and I still don't sleep about 1 night/week. Any other experiences?

Friday is Lilly's 2nd birthday. She would be so grown up now! I could only imagine if her hair would have straightened out by now like her sisters did at her age. Her sister made a pink heart out of play-doh at church today. We set it up by Lilly's grave and etched 'I Love You Lil' on it.

[brandonsmommy]

I am so sorry for your loss Parmeter32. Lilly511, I just want to let you know that antidepressents don't make the pain of the suffering go away. For me it helped me have a clearer thought process. Things were not whirling around in my head all the time like they were before I started on Zoloft. I was able to deal with my grief with a clear mind. I know people on here seem to be against them....I am sorry for that. I would like to point out that there is a difference between depression and psychosis. Anyway....because of the negative reactions I have received to my posts I guess I should not post on here. Hey, I'm only a health care professional....guess I wouldn't know much about anti-depressants. What a shame..this was such a great site and helped me so much 5 years ago.

[4everjoeysmom]

Brandonsmommy, I honestly don't think anyone here is against anti-depressants. I think we're all just concerned that it's looked at a lot of times as an easy "fix" to problems that cause us depression and grief, and with that not enough eductaion on side effects and dangers are shared when prescribing. It serves everyone well to know what they're getting into, especially so that family embers can be aware of warning signs that the drugs may be doing more harm than good. Please on;t take it personally. The concern is not a personal attack on your knowledge or experience, or against anyone here that has found them helpful. Because people want to share the dangers that have wrecked their lives does not make this a bad site now, nor a site that you shouldn't feel good about coming to to share your own grief, recovery, healing and experience. Please don't go for the sake of all the goodness and light that yoi have shared with others here at BI. Sometimes it's easy to take too much too personally when it kits close to home. Forgive me if my concern has offended you... Hugs, Claudia

[ryansmommy]

next week my husband and i will begin grief couselling. i don't know if i want him to come. there seems to be so much we can't or don't say to each other anymore. i still love him, i just can't seem to connect very much with him. i don't think it is anyones fault, we are just two separate people doing the best we can. i try not to judge him but sometimes it is so hard. he acts like nothing has happened. he can't seem to understand that this is different for me.

i seem to have lost my faith. i have never been a religious person but i always believed in something coming next. i don't feel ryan anymore. shouldn't i feel a presence, i feel nothing but lose and desperation. i wish i had faith, maybe it would be easier to know i would see him again one day.

[parmeter32]

to brandonsmommy - i did not say i was against them. i said, asked, begged whatever for you or anyone to please be careful. i do believe they can help people. i have one good friend who swore they helped her thru a tough time. my thing is the adverse side affects are very real. my wife's mother was a nurse for 40 years so i kind of understand your point of view as a health care professional but - and here is the real crux of the issue for me - we all are here because something awful has happened to us.

most, if not all, of us have our ways we are trying to honor those of who we lost. my way to honor my son is to help as many people as i can. because he was only 2 when he was killed most of that attention has been towards young children. but because he was killed in large part due to the lack of information on these drugs any chance i can to help educate others i will take. i did not, nor have not, said do not take them. i am just trying to tell others what i wish i would have known. because if i knew of these side effects my wife and son might still be alive.

on another note (if anyone is still reading) i saw where ryansmommy posted about counseling and i was wondering if others have done any fashion of that and how their experiences have been.

i am sorry we all have to be here but i am glad to have this site as a resource. it has already been helpful to me.

[buddhasmom]

I go to my 3rd counseling session tomorrow. I dont know if its helping or not yet, but i was hoping having an objective 3rd party might help my husband and I communicate better. We actually had a conversation. He opened a bit of himself up at 3 am on monday morning. Didnt get any sleep, but did get some insight into the man I thought i knew. Now, i take that conversation into counseling, and we expand on it. Hopefully this works.

[ryansmommy]

we still do not have a headstone for ryan. it really bothers me. we purchased two double plots. plan was i would share with ryan and my husband and father in law would rest beside us. my husbands family all want a large stone, this seems to be much more completed than expected. i am not so adamant and feel fine with something more traditional... i feel a rage building up inside of me over this. i don't think they ever go visit him and he is my son. i am afraid to start a disagreement with everyone, it won't help anything.... if i start yelling i may not be able to stop. sorry for so much negativity but i feel better just having put it out there.

[parmeter32]

ryansmommy and buddhasmom - my son (ryan) was also 2 when he died. well actually he was killed by my wife who killed herself too. there are times when i feel so overwhelmed by the loneliness - among other things - but i honestly think i have it easier than right now than those who have a spouse and other children.

i get frustrated when other people try to make comments as to how i should be doing or down right angry when someone else tries to compare there feelings of sadness over his death to mine. NONE of them know how i feel! the thing is, i can avoid them when that frustration comes. either returning to my solitude or moving to another friend who is more understanding.

those of you with families still do not have that luxury. there is no way you can all hurt/grieve/react/act/feel/etc. the same way nor should you try to or try to force your ways on the others. just realize you have your own built in support group and counseling. its gotta be cheaper than the real thing right??? and a lot cheaper than the beyond indigo message board retreat in las vegas!!!

anyway, i have read several places that those of us going thru this living hell should try hard to be kind to ourselves and be patient with ourselves. i guess we all need to try to do the same to those closest to us.

on another note - ryansmommy and others - how long did you have to wait for a headstone. its been four months for me and i finally got a couple sketches for ideas that they say will take 3-4 months to make. not to mention i don't even like the ones they sent me. help anyone???

[buddhasmom]

Parmeter, We designed our sons headstone during the funeral planning. We got exactly what we wanted. Price wasnt an issue to us, not for this. The stone itself isnt up yet, although its been 2 months. They said they had to wait for the ground to firm up. Last time I went to the cemetery, there was still a mound of dirt at his site, they hadnt ever smoothed it out yet. With all the rain we've had, it may be awhile before his stone is set. I have a picture of what it will look like though, and it is already paid for. Thank god I bought life insurance for both my kids after they were born.

[ryansmommy]

i have an appt with the cemetery on saturday. today i walked around the cemetery to get a better of idea of what would mean something to us. it was sad to realize how many children are there. how many other parents had to learn what this feels like.

ryan passed away in october, seven months ago. we still have not heard any information as to why this happened. i am afraid it was genetic, what would that mean for Joshua? i need some answers. my doctor suggested i get ready for no answer, they may not be able to determine the cause of death. how does that happen. how many two years just lie down and die. he was fine when i left him. he was happy.

[ryansmommy]

i can't sleep. my mother in law is driving me crazy. i tried to talk to her about the headstone "she" wants. i can''t seem to find it, and everyone i have spoken to did not recommend it. for two months i have been making calls. i don't think she has made even one. at this point i hate what she wants. it only represents frustration. doesn't she know that she is making this even harder. she could not supportive but all she is thinking about is herself. i won't get the headstone on saturday, they are away at the cottage and it feels to sneaky. i will wait until thursday when they are home and they know i am going.

it occured to me that this is why i hide when i cry. i live in a world where most of the time everyone tries has hard as possible to not acknowledge our loss. for my mother in law to talk about this calmly she would have to acknowledge ryans passing. most of the time she refers to him as "you know who", i want to scream that yes i know who, i haven't forgotten him.

sorry for going on. good morning. hope everyone has a good day. i amgoing to have a cup of coffee and try to calm down for work

[lilly511]

Good morning all,

I am sorry for situation with your mother-in-law. I feel that I am blessed to have one of the best mother-in-laws, and she is so understanding of everything. I can relate, though, with my 'grandparents-in-law'. Ever since Lilly's passing, they have been quick to say that 'we lost our baby.' Thing is, these are the same people who, 2 weeks after Lilly died, came down to our house and tore into my wife with my other daughter still there about another issue dealing with money. They took a horrible time in our life, and made it worse by not letting us grieve and mourn, but having to worry about THEM.

Not the reason I came on to post this morning. Today is Lillian's 2nd birthday. Every day, I can't help but think about what she would be like if she were here. She would be talking much more clearly, using words and probably chatting up a storm (she always chatted up a storm, could just never understand!). She would probably be running everywhere, mostly after her big sister, who turns 5 later this month. I can imagine her beautiful hair straightened out and down to her shoulders. She would still be doing her famous dances in front of the TV, maybe now with some slicker steps.

I miss her a lot, and today will be tough. Go see her site today, if you can, and keep my family in your thoughts.

http://www.daycarter.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/584602

Thanks and take care, everyone,

John

[4everjoeysmom]

John, Such a beautiful and precious pictorial tribute to Lilly! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. -Claudia

[ryansmommy]

lilly511, what a beautiful way to share such a special moment in time. i will light a candle in her honor tonight.

[parmeter32]

ryansmommy - i feel your mother in law pain. mine is doing everything in her power to delibrately make my life even worse than it already is. my wife killed herself and my 2 year old son and this clearly in her eyes was all my fault.

as if i don't have enough guilt going on about it she (and her family) are suing me for various reasons. current total is over 20 grand now. i just found last night another site similar to this where they have been on there trashing me with all sorts of assorted lies. is any of this going to bring her daughter back or my little baby??? if so i would be on there trashing myself but there is nothing that will bring him back.

i am trying so hard not to sink to their level but it is getting more and more difficult.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

thanks everyone!!!

[ryansmommy]

parmeter32, sorry for all your troubles. i have had a few days to calm down and get some new perspective. i will be getting the headstone this week. i will be ordering what i want. i love my mother in law. i know that her anger is not about a headstone. she had a special relationship with ryan. everyone knew that. i was not jealous of them, i loved knowing how loved he was. she was the one who found him, she was the one who had to do the cpr... i know without a doubt she tried her best. she was a nurse who worked many years in the emergency dept at the hospital, i am sure she helped save many souls, she just couldn't save the one she wanted to most... her memories of that day are different then mine, i don't compare them or our grief... i will try my best to be patient while standing up for myself and my family (that includes ryan, it has been long enough, he needs a proper headstone), i wish you luck with your family in law. maybe with sometime things will sort themselves out.

lilly511, a candle was light for lilly last night. it was a beautifull magnolia one. sweet just like her.

i wish everyone a happy mothers day tomorrow. i had dream i was at the cemtery and all the children were playing. they looked really happy. i like to think it was a message from ryan. letting me know he is okay.

[buddhasmom]

One of the things I miss most about my son is also one of the things that used to drive me so crazy. He was a toilet fanatic. If it fit, he flushed it, if it didnt fit, he tried to flush it. The next time each of you flushes your toilet, think of my son, smiling and giggling as he watched the toilet paper, or toys, or towels, or toothbushes, go swirling down.

[4everjoeysmom]

Prayers for comfort and blessings this Mother's Day for all... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[buddhasmom]

Today was a rough day for me and my husband. It was my daughters school trip to the zoo. Last year, all of us went, including my son. This year, he wasnt here to be able to go. My husband is lost without him, and thinks if he doesnt go anywhere, or do anything that reminds him of our son, he'll be ok. But in doing that, he shuts our daughter off from all the things to do in our area. I know that I cant do that, that it'll be hard doing some things without Donovan, but, I have to get through them for Dixie. So, the zoo. The last time we were here, Donovan was. And we had a blast. Surprisingly, my husband did come, after trying all week to come up with excuses why not. And it was hard. Every where i looked, i remembered donovan, and i know my husband did too. Not to mention, i ran into an old friend, who didnt know what had happened, meaning i had to explain, making it even worse. But we made it through. Makes me think about other things that are coming, like halloween. Last year was donovans first real halloween. We all went trick or treating, and he was just getting the hang of it, running up to doors, and saying trick or treat, being all excited about his candy bag getting full. This year, he wont be there. At this moment, i dont think i can be either, because i know ill picture him, at 2 years old, having the time of his life....Is it always gonna be like this? Will I ever be able to do things we used to do with him, without him?

[Kelly]

Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[ryansmommy]

it has been awhile. just wanted to say hi. this site looked so lonely. where did everyone go? maybe its a good thing, if your not writing maybe your living a little. maybe a little peace has found you. i hope so. good night.

[buddhasmom]

Just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to all those of you checkin in on here. Today may be rough, but even if you need to spend it crying, it's your day.

[buddhasmom]

Donovans birthday is Wednesday July 4th. He would have been 3.

[amberi]

Hello all,

My name is Amber and recently my husband passed away and I found the beyond indigo site I have been posting there for a few weeks. Then today I can feel it is coming up on my daughter’s anniversary. I came to this sight (god how I wish I had this back then) to find some comfort. It will be 14yrs since she passed, she was 8yrs, old. On the 17th it will be her anniversary and on the 19th it will be her dad's 2nd month. I just wanted to say, it is very hard to get thru those tough times I was reading some peoples messages and the Halloween one really caught me, this coming Sat. my god daughter who is a year younger then my daughter is getting married, and it scares me. When she went to the prom, I cried for three days. It makes it hard because you know what your missing. I hope for you that you will find comfort in talking with people who can understand, no one understands the loss of a child, unless you have been there. I miss her deeply and now my husband too, but I find comfort in knowing they are together. One thing that really got me through the rough times early on, is in the midst of crying my eyes out I would try to think of something that she did or said that used to make me laugh or smile, and I would start to smile and that was what I held on to it always seemed to help.

I send you all lots of support and hugs, I don’t want to say it gets easier, but its just life continues and your children would want you to go on and be happy, my younger daughter used to tell me she was doing things her sissy cant cuz the she can have fun through her. I feel this is kinda how it is.

God Bless u all

Amber

[wazastarr]

My daughter Malia would have been 1yr old on 7/7.

Sometimes I don't know what to say or do I feel like I'm living some horrible night mare that I can't wake up from.

I'm glad I found this site because now I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to and I don't have to read what I don't feel like reading. Since she passed I feel like I have no control over anything. I've been given all these books about coping and been referred to so many sites and been told so many different things that may just work for some people. Not for me.

I miss her so much and I feel that it's not right. I didn't have enough time with her, there was so much more yet to accomplish.

On my daughter's birthday I went to the cementary and decorated her grave with balloons and candles and little stuff animals and when I went back to my truck, I found out that someone had broken in and stolen my purse.

I don't care much about the wallet or the credit cards or the check book. What was really hurtful was my cell phone. It had pictures and videos from her last days in the hospital and pictures of her at the funeral home and even the funeral and I am angry!! I feel like someone just stole a piece of my daughter and took her away. It's bad enough that I want to follow her and die so I can be with her but to have something happen like this while your singing Happy Birthday to your dead daughter now that's something horrible. It's going on 7 months and it still hurts so very much.

[buddhasmom]

Today, our conselor gave us an assignment. He wants us to each write a letter to Donovan, telling him everything we would have liked to have said, if we had been able to. I think ill be ok doing it, bawling im sure. My husband...isnt sure. Ive told him that maybe, writing it all down, will help, cause him keeping it all in isnt. He and I are not better, not worse, we're just not... We havent tried to talk, havent tried to get deep. And so we dont fight, but at the same time, we arent working through anything either. My daughter is getting more aggressive, more attitude. Especially towards her dad. I don't know what to do for her. She spent the night at my moms last night, and my husband went to work, and it was just me. And i thought, great, some time to do whatever i want...And all i did was sit and think about being alone, wishing i was chasing my son, thinking about him being gone, and i ended up depressed. I didnt sleep all night. So much for quality me time. Everyone says time heals...its been almost 5 months. Its not healing.

His birthday was July 4th. We bought him presents, and a cake with a number 3 candle. We went to his grave, and lit the candle, and my husband blew it out. It was hard. Our daughter didnt understand any of it, why we would get presents and a cake for a kid who wasnt here, and she started in with her attitude, which set my husband off.... I hope that there are other dimensions, other lives, and that somewhere, my beautiful boy is alive and well, growing up, and happy. Sometimes, thinking of that is the only way i can get up in the morning.

[amberi]

Buddhasmom- I dont know how old our daughter is but if she is old enough to write this may also be a good outlet for her, or just having her write a story about her brother. Writing is a powerful release. I think her aggression (I know un wanted) may be pretty normal, Something I learned in a death and dying class that I took a few years after my daughter passed away was children look to thier fathers (mostly) as superman (or a superhero) and when someone close to the child dies (not the father) like a mother or sibling the child in a way expects the dad to save the person,and when they cant the emotions get put towards him. also sometimes the child feels like they are no longer important because the parents are grieveing so much for the lost child. That was something my niece said when my daughter was two Cassandra had been gone for about 3mo and my niece who was ten said" how come you dont pay attention to Sadie anymore" This hurt but it did make sense. Iwas so focused on Cassandra being gone, I wish I had these message boards to come to back then I think they really help people not feel so alone.

I hope you dont think Im trying to tell how to do thing its just alternatives to why she may be acting up.

I really think the writting thing could be good, is she in counseling? and I deffinatly no how much of a toll it takes on a marriage, we ended up seperating then getting back together, but I think it was cuz we didnt go to counseling but when we got back to gether we went to a hospice group for parents and that really helped us.

Hang in there it sounds like you both are doing amazing things to keep going forward, I wish you and your family all the best.

Take care

Amber

[amberi]

Well today is my daughters 14th anniversary. and thurs. is her fathers 2mo. I am so happy they at least have each other. I am missing my husband so much it feels strange and hard to stop thinking of him and put my focus on her. But I miss them both terrible and just wanted to vent.

my prayers go out to you all.

amber

[ryansmommy]

Its been awhile since i have been to this site. July 16 marked our nine month anniversary, with time has come some relief. Sometimes i can think of ryan without thinking of the day we lost him, sometimes i remember when he was here and i can smile. there has come some acceptance that this is it for the rest of my life, quiet desperation.

we should be getting our coronors report by monday, i can't believe it has taken so long. i am feeling so anxious its hard to breath. i can't help but feel somewhat responsible, as his mom shouldn't i have known something was so wrong? i look back and wonder what i missed, was there some sign of what was coming, was i not paying enough attention. maybe if i had done one thing different it never would have happened. i feel llke i failed him, like maybe i didn't deserve him

[Guest Guest]

July 18th was the first anniversary of my 7 year old son's (Junior) going to heaven. This is the first time that i am able to write about what happened and today i'm having a really bad day. i took my son to his ice hockey practice and while on the ice he collapsed and was gone. Two weeks later we were told that he had a disease known as HCM. He had the most severe form of the disease and was born with this gene. Junior had no signs of the disease and was a child that was "Full of Life". He never sat still and was always busy doing something or driving his brother's and sister crazy. I miss him so MUCH. I feel guilty for not knowing that he had this terrible disease and I feel guilty for taking him to his hockey practice. A part of me knows that it was his day to go and that God needed him......but i need him more.

[sydneysmom]

Ryansmommy, it's been three months since our sweet 20 month-old Sydney died of an acute ascending urinary tract infection. I fight feelings of guilt all of the time. She had a fever one afternoon and by the evening her body had shut down. The medical examiner said it was so fast-moving and involved that there was absolutely nothing we could have done. But it's still hard not to blame myself for missing it.

I know I still have a LONG way to go, but I find comfort in believing there are no "accidents." I didn't know what was going on in her little body, but God did. If she were meant to still be on earth, she would be.

A Christian author whose baby boy only lived two minutes and his 2 year-old daughter died three months later asked God "Why would You create a child to live for only 2 minutes? Or two years?" The conclusion was "We were MADE FOR ETERNITY where we may be surprised to find our true calling...which on Earth seems just always out of reach..." This has been so comforting to me because as Sydney's mom, I felt like she deserved all of the world and yet she was denied even being allowed to grow up. But I'm assured our little ones are not missing anything! Their destiny on Earth has been fulfilled, but we can't even imagine what they are now able to experience in Heaven! We who are still "alive" here on Earth have only experienced a taste of Heaven. That's how I refer to Sydney sometimes: my "taste of Heaven"; pure joy! I believe with all my heart that until we are together again in Heaven, she will be living life completely!

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. There is no pain like it. It's just almost unbearable.

I hope you are able to get answers about what happened to your precious boy. I will pray for you. E-mail me anytime.

[ryansmommy]

sydneysmom, thank you for such beautifull words of comfort. I like to think that I am still here to take care of joshua. that one day when joshua is a man with a family of his own, i will be reunited with ryan. i will get to feel him in my arms again, to feel his soul next to mine. but sometimes, it is so hard to believe. hope seems so far away. i see life continuing all around me but i feel like i am stuck in a dream, half asleep.

[sydneysmom]

It does seem like a dream. Sydney's life here was like a vapor.

[amberi]

I havent posted here in a little while, but I did want to say that Sydneysmom, when I read your post it was so touching. I think my daughter Cassandra was here to bring true love into my heart. I grew up in a very horrible way and trusted no one. When I met Alex, Cassandra was three,(yes, she is my step daughter, but I raised her and I was her mom) she taught me how to Love her father, I wasnt even sure if I wanted to be with him originally. But I learned to trust him and fell in love with both of them (me and Alex were together for 18yrs). Now that I have lost both of them it hurts so much, but I have my two other children to take care of. I know I am rambling but I just really felt what you were saying.

And I just want to say to both of you, well all of you, I am going thru my husband’s loss right now, but I was where you were 14yrs ago.And I know how hard it is, cant say it gets better, but you learn how to go on, and gives you a new perspective on life, I realized life was way to short for my daughter and I didnt want to miss out on anything with my other children. they are to preciouse.

Guest I do understand what your going thru and there will be hard days and not so hard days. I too felt very guilty for letting her go to the neighbors to swim, but in time what I realized is she passed away doing something she loved. she went with a smile, at the time I didnt feel that way, it took time.

Ryansmommy please hold on tight reading that report is very traumatic (I thought) it brings it right back to the day and can sometimes leave even more questions please remember to take a deep breath.

I hope and wish you all the best. Do what feels right for you all and never let someone tell you how to feel. I send my prayers to you all

lots of love and support,

amber

[sydneysmom]

Thank you Amber. I know that words can't make any of our circumstances better, but they can help change our perspective. When I get so sad I feel like I'll go crazy, bringing my thoughts back to what I know is true keeps me through the day. I'm so sad that you're going to have to deal with loss again. You will be in my thoughts continually.

We went to a baseball game the other day and seeing all the daughters and their daddies made me spiral down so quickly. Celeste, our 7 month-old, was with us, but it was still hard. I thought the four of us were supposed to be together, doing these family things. I feel guilty for having fun without her (if you can call it fun). I have to make my focus on how this life is temporary for ALL of us, and spending eternity in Heaven is going to be better than the memories we'll make on Earth.

I've been reading a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn, that gives a scriptural description of what it is we look forward to. I would recommend it to everyone. I have been reading from about five different books. It keeps me from going insane. I also got a punching bag shortly after Sydney passed, which can be very helpful when I'm laying in bed thinking and my skin starts crawling. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Doesn't it feel like we're living in a paradox? Wishing so hard that we could have the past to relive, so much that we miss out on living the present completely. Another dynamic I keep coming across is that I want to live the rest of my life with passion because I know none of us are guaranteed another day, and yet the pain sometimes keeps me paralyzed so that I'm hardly living at all.

[amberi]

sydneysmom I think any kind of exercise helps, yoga, kickboxing two very different but both give great release of energy. I do know what you mean about thinking you were all going to be together. I thought the same when we lost Cassandra but we finally pulled thru it and a temporary separation due to the heartache and my feeling guilty that it was my fault. but we got our lives as much as we could back on track and now to loss my husband and watch my kids with out a dad is the same thing. The other day we went to our goddaughters baby's birthday and it felt wrong and strange cause he wasnt with us and there to help me with our son. And this is my husbands goddaughters’ baby so it is very strange my goddaughter and my daughter Cassandra were the same age and very close and now she is a mom and married. being there was so hard I missed my husband missed my daughter and then seeing how old my daughter would be was so difficult. But we did enjoy ourselves and tried to have fun, but I too felt guilty for trying to have some normalcy in my life. What you said at the end of your post is so true I to want passion and to live each day to the fullest but sometimes cant even get out of bed because I want them back so much.

all I can say is god bless you and I send lots of support and thoughts to you. and ryansmommy - I hope you are doing ok too, lots of hugs to both of you.

amber

[wazastarr]

It's only been 8 months since my daughter died but today it feels like yesterday and tomorrow feels that way too. I am so tired of hearing how well everyone " Normal" around me is doing, who's sleeping with who and who' just bought a car and who went shopping and I am so sick of it. It seems like these people that I once called friends have forgotten her. How does everyone just move on and forget her. I tried to talk to my " best friend" the other night about a dream i had and she kept asking me if I was sure i was up to it. Well if not know then when?

When will I stop turning away when I see a baby that was around her age?

When will I stop crying when I see a stupid pink dress ?

I don't want to forget her I just want to feel normal not like an alien that people still avoid. I guess they just don't get it just because my daughter died does not mean that if I look at you, you child will die too.

I have my good days , not great days but ok.

Then I have my baby days, where I wake up crying and I know what I can't face this world anymore. God doesn't give me comfort I don't even believe anymore.

I was looking at a bottle of Ambien last night wondering how many I could take so I didn't have to wake up in the morning.

Then I slapped myself on the head n threw 'em in the toilet. Just when I think I might almost be there I slide back 10 feet. I step forward for me and 10 steps backwards for her. My husband told me I;m being selfish. Well If I am I believe that after carrying then watching your child die in pain then I have that right to be selfish. I just want to hold her one more time. Is that too much?

[momo6x]

Wazastarr...I just read your post and I do understand how you are feeling. In may I lost my 6 year old and I have these days were I get so angry because I get tired of seeing people who know me just be able to carry on with their lives and not even seeming to remember my angel! But he as you daughter is to you our very special someones. It not that our friends and even family have forgot but they truely have no clue how our hearts seem empty and when we try to share our stories they are so uncomfortable because they feel like they need to do or say something for us when in reality all we want is an ear! 8 months is so not long ago at all. I do know that these emotions will ease in time...but time is exatly what is going to take. Please allow yours self to cry,yell,punch pillows but PLEASE remember...if you hurt yourself you are doing a great injustice to your daughter. I lost a daughter in 2000 and I think it was about the 3rd year that I can remember with any clearity a normal routine or even clear thoughts with any kind of consistancy. Everything you are feeling is absolutly normal. And just so you know...There is a God...Your daughter is with him now. I too have trouble with my faith recently but I stop and remember Brandon's life up until the day he died and remember all the sighns and wonders that could have only been God. I am so greatful for the time I had with him. As like you too...I LONG to hold him, bathe him and greet him in the morning. I say one more time but in reality I know that one more time for me is a life time. I do babble! please take care and know that I will pray for you and your husband.

Yours very truely,,, Debra...Brandons mama!

[sydneysmom]

Amber, thank you so much for your advice. I tried to do a cycle class yesterday and had to quit after 15 minutes. I'm so tired!! Will I always feel so tired? I have done yoga since Sydney passed on and it did help. My punching bag is a big help, but everything helpful is temporary. I was out of town last week without my Zoloft and every day I got worse and worse. By the end of the week, I felt like I could not be a mother anymore (to 7 month-old Celeste), I felt like I had no reason to be alive anymore. This week is MUCH better.

I couldn't get through this without my hope in God. There wouldn't be any reason to! I'm sure we all feel our children were/are such amazing little beings, nothing besides actually seeing them again would be enough - God knows our relationships with the ones we love are important to us, He has so much more in store! I've learned that the Bible says Heaven is not floating on clouds with harps for eternity, but Heaven on Earth. We'll be real people with real relationships and the beauty of Earth will supercede what we've experienced so far - I believe we have a lot to look forward to! But it is SO hard to be patient. I want to be with Sydney now.

Wazastarr, I know, it makes me crazy when I see toddlers Sydney's age. And I torture myself by asking how old they are, so I can imagine what Sydney would be doing at that age. And we've retired pink. Sydney wore pink almost every day of her life, so we've cleared out mine and Celeste's closet of all pink. It's so weird the things that make it hard, and the things you think would, but don't. We've kept some of Sydney's favorite toys and books out for Celeste, and most of the time, it's sweet to share them with her. I don't know what I would do without Celeste.

Sorry for going on and on, but Sydney's second birthday would be next Friday, and I'm not sure how to celebrate the day. I don't know what to expect of our emotions and I certainly don't feel like celebrating life right now. We talked about releasing green balloons (like we did at her funeral), one for every year she would be. But now I feel that would just be tomenting ourselves, because she wasn't meant to turn two or three or any other age while still on this earth. What I would like to do, is continue to be oblivious as the days pass (denial, right?) and let the day come and go, but that won't happen. My husband's brother is getting married the day after, and we're both in the wedding. I'm going to be a mess! What should I do?

Thank you all for your listening and support. I'm so glad I found this site. I really do pray for you all. XOXO - Angela

[sydneysmom]

Please say a prayer for me. Tomorrow would be Sydney's second birthday. Two years ago, August 31st was the best day of my life! I remember clearly how she came up from the water (we had a water-birth) blinking up at us, looking back and forth at her dad and I. She is still, in my eyes the most beautiful creation God has ever allowed me to know. I will celebrate you Sydney, and keep my mind on the hope of celebrating with you again.

[buddhasmom]

For my son's would-be 3rd birthday on July 4th, we took a cake and presents to his grave. We lit him a number 3 candle..and between tears, we blew it out for him, and left his presents. Someone asked me the other day, what are we gonna do as the years pass, but him older kids things? I dont think we will. No matter what age he would've been, he's always going to be 2 in our hearts and minds, and therefore, he's always gonna love cars, so the perfect gift for him this year, next year, or in 10 years, is going to be a matchbox car. Our 6 month date was Sept 1st. I went and had a bracelet made that says Strength on one side, with the 6 month date and his initials on the other. It has taken so so much strength to get to this point, and its my way of reminding myself how strong I have been, for those times when it seems like my strength is failing me. I do understand the 1 step forward, 10 steps back. Most of the time, we "pretend" we're living a normal life, but its always there, in the back of your mind, and sometimes, it doesnt wanna stay in the back. Thats when i look at my daughter, and look at my bracelet, and take a deep breath, and trudge on. The only person's life who stopped on March 1st was Donovans, and his only stopped on this earth. I may not be able to hold him, or kiss him, or hear him laugh, but I now have my own personal guardian angel.

[Guest Guest]

Hello I am a new member but I lost a daughter last November on the 26th 2006 ,I lost her by Liver failure with no sighns or warnings ,two days after Thanksgiving at Eagleston in Atlanta Georgia my Princess died in my arms , I am angry at God for one and angry at my self because why didnt I know my baby was sick why did I let her die .The night before she entered the hospital We talked for hours ,I sung to her and carried her around on my shoulder she was four years old but for some reason we had the longest and the most heart filled night ever , I would lay down with her and trace her face and sing her favorite song that I wrote for her and her three siblings ,Was this gods way of telling me or preparing me to lose her.In my arms six heart beats and her life ended I just cant cope with it ,I have nightmares as if this is all a horriable nightmare and I cant wake up ,My daily life is aweful it seems like at times ,I ask why my daughter why not my mom , my husband not my child . Are they someone out there that can help me , I attemped to commit suicide and everytime I would fail , when my daughter was dying I ask god to take me and he didnt was this his way of saying your not good enough for heaven ,people say stop dwelling and move on come on people its been less than 10 months . I feel like I am the only one hurting here in Georgia . I go see her (everyday) if my husband would allow but its not the same there its torture to me no words ,no warm embraces just a breezy cemetary beside my daddys plot ,our they hope up the road or is the pain worse and worse as it goes ,please help a young mom cope with this here

Hope Montgomer

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Hope, I posted to you on Coping with loss thread earlier. I just want to say here that you are still here because there is purpose for you to be here. Please don't give up. There are 3 children here needing their mommy. And in time you will feel that purpose rise above your pain, as well as other purposes God has for you. Please read my post to you on the oether thread, and contact me if you wish. I am praying for you. Love and hugs, Claudia

[chiestand]

This is the first time i have posted here. I used to go to the adult sibling loss, but for awhile just haven't been able to participate. My 49 year old brother died of hypothermia, after getting lost hunting, in 11/2005. I have been grieving that as an adult, but I also lost a little brother at age 2 1/2 when i was 12. I have been grieving him in a new way the last week or so. I realize i remember very little about the death, the funeral, anything surrounding that event. it's like it didnt' happen. i dont' remember crying much, i dont' remember much at all. I have realized in the last few days that while I have grieved him for him in my adult self, for the adult he would have been, i dont' think i grieved in a healthy way as a little girl. I dont' know why. I was talking to a friend and i think i may have been just trying to make things easier for my parents. We have a strong faith and back then, 45 years ago, people just sucked it up and kept going and didnt' talk much about it. i know if i would have talked about it, my parents would have been wonderful, but for some reason i didn't. So I have been thinking of what it was like for my mom. and i came here to read waht you all are saying...and to tell you to keep talking to your little children. let them know you grieve too. i think i just thought we were to go on with our lives. i don't even know what effect this has had on me, but i know i must allow myself to grieve about him in a way i have not done so and i am almost 60 years old.

Claudia - I see you are here too. i don't know exactly why i haven't been posting, I just haven't.we all have to find our own way, don't we.

cao

[Guest Guest]

I am also a new member. One of my identical twin 3.5 yr old boys died 2 years ago. He died one day after I had a new baby boy, I was still in the hospital recovering. He and his btother were left unattended in my yard by my mother and both jumped in the pool. Only one survived. I left the hospital with a new baby boy only to bury my son.

What I wanted to tell you is that you are lucky. I know it sounds strange. But that night you shared with your daughter was a pure gift. You will have that to treasure always. I didn't get the luxury to hold my son, or kiss him goodbye, or hear his heart beat. I saw him 4 days after his death because of my c-section. He didn't look like himself, he had been in the water too long.

I know you feel like dying, I do too. But we have these beautiful children we need to go on for. Your daughter would want you to raise those children in the most loving and constant way possible. I know just mustering up the energy to get out of bed seems too much.

I wish I could tell you that the pain will fade, but it won't. Instead you will find a way to live with the pain. 10 months to a breaved parent feels like 10 seconds. You are NOT dwelling. The people that say that to you are not saying it for your benefit, they are saying it for their own. Its too painful for them to think about a loss as big as ours. My heart and prayers are with you.

Our children are happy together in heaven. God didn't punish us. Our children's death makes him just as sad as us. He did not cause this nor could he prevent it. I hope you will read this book "Why bad things happen to good people" It helped me so much as I struggled with my feelings toward God.

We all wish we could wake up and have this be nothing more than a terrible dream. We all wish we could have done something differently. Please know you are not alone. If you need to talk to someone I hope you will reach out. I would love to know how you are and hope that I will hear from you soon.

Hello I am a new member but I lost a daughter last November on the 26th 2006 ,I lost her by Liver failure with no sighns or warnings ,two days after Thanksgiving at Eagleston in Atlanta Georgia my Princess died in my arms , I am angry at God for one and angry at my self because why didnt I know my baby was sick why did I let her die .The night before she entered the hospital We talked for hours ,I sung to her and carried her around on my shoulder she was four years old but for some reason we had the longest and the most heart filled night ever , I would lay down with her and trace her face and sing her favorite song that I wrote for her and her three siblings ,Was this gods way of telling me or preparing me to lose her.In my arms six heart beats and her life ended I just cant cope with it ,I have nightmares as if this is all a horriable nightmare and I cant wake up ,My daily life is aweful it seems like at times ,I ask why my daughter why not my mom , my husband not my child . Are they someone out there that can help me , I attemped to commit suicide and everytime I would fail , when my daughter was dying I ask god to take me and he didnt was this his way of saying your not good enough for heaven ,people say stop dwelling and move on come on people its been less than 10 months . I feel like I am the only one hurting here in Georgia . I go see her (everyday) if my husband would allow but its not the same there its torture to me no words ,no warm embraces just a breezy cemetary beside my daddys plot ,our they hope up the road or is the pain worse and worse as it goes ,please help a young mom cope with this here

Hope Montgomer

[buddhasmom]

7 months now since I acquired my own guardian angel. I took a day offr work yesterday, I just needed some time away. Its so hard sometimes, pretending to live a normal life, for the sake of everyone else that hasnt gone through the same pain and loss. Sometimes I just cant keep up the charade. We get by right now by not talking about it. Its there, in our heads and our hearts, every second of the day, but society wont let you dwell on it, so you dont. You pretend....until you cant anymore, then you break, and cry, and hurt for awhile. Im on medication now. Its helping me soo so much, in many areas of my life. The grief is still there, but its not overwhemling on a daily basis like it used to be. I can get outta bed now. I know some wil say that this is "time" doing its healing thing, but when i dont take the meds, it all comes back with a vengeance. Im still thinking of you all, and hoping things are getting different for you. ( Different, not better. It can never be a good thing, or a better thing without the missing child).

[lilly511]

Been quite some time since posting, but I too am getting to one of those times when the sensation of losing your child comes back very strong. The last 3 months have been an absolute blur with how much time I have been spending at/on work. However, that season is now done and over with, giving me a more normal work schedule. What I had misfigured as 'dealing with it a lot better' was simply just being to busy to reflect and deal with it. Not that my baby daughter never entered my mind.....every day I thought of her. I just hadn't had the time to reflect and in some cases DWELL on her death or how she died or where she is now, etc.

I too have taken a few days off lately to re-group my thoughts. It's hard sometimes when people don't understand that you need to take off because 'you just need to' or you 'had a hard night.' Especially the further away from your child's death you get. We're almost at 11 months now, and even though some memories fade (who was at the funeral, how was the house arranged, etc.), some things stay ridiculously vibrant and haunting as well.

Like I have said in most of my posts....no real point to this posting, just writing for the sake of writing. All of us sharing here are always in my thoughts, and continued strength to all of you.

John