Loss of a Young Child

[sydneysmom]

John, I've been so sad since I read your post last night. My heart really hurts for yours. I'm only a little over 5 months into my journey. In some ways, it definately seems harder - having to continue through this life with the constant realization that Sydney will not ever join me again in this life. EVERYTHING makes me think of her. It feels like spinning our tires in the mud; we keep thinking this or that will make it easier, only to hit a wall of realizing it won't. But it helps to get further away from the day that our hearts were ripped in two. I have peace that Sydney died in peace. Didn't your Lilly go in her sleep too?

Even through the violent thoughts and depression that paralyze me at times, I have a constant joy and hope. I know that Sydney is not missing out on life - those of us who are left on this earth are! I know that God isn't through with me because I'm still here, but this is nothing in comparison to what we have in store. And I truly believe that when we reunite in Heaven, we will be as close as we were on Earth. Our joy will be even greater than it was here.

I ask myself how can I offer encouragement without being too pushy about my beliefs? I really don't want to offend anyone, I only want to see your hurting let up a little. I've found I have some triggers that really send me spiraling down: tiredness, alcohol, "downer"-people (who seem to have no reason to be down), anything that sends my mind where it doesn't need to be. I have to regain God's perspective by what I've learned in the Bible in order to see that "this" isn't it. And on that note, I have a confession from the darkest part of my heart. I realized why it comforts me to hear about death happening: it reassures me that this life is impermanent. I know that's awful, because I really wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm just wondering if any of you can relate. It seems sometimes like dying is the only way to no longer feel this pain.

Also, something that's helped me. I found this book about a little girl who's art and poetry are inspired by God Himself! Her name is Akiane and when she was four, she told her mother that she "met God". She describes her angel and what she sees in Heaven. It's really amazing and I would recommend looking at her website Akiane.com. There are also a couple of interviews on YouTube. I got so much joy hearing Heaven described from a little girl's perspective! My little girl gets to experience this non-stop.

I hope that somehow something I've shared can help you to take a deeper breath today. This pain can be so suffocating.

Lots of love to everyone.

Angela

[4everjoeysmom]

Angela, I think however we are able to share light and hope through grace is a blessing. Encouragement from others who walk this journey is what inspires many of us to continue on--seeing the courage of others and feeling their compassion. Thank you for that. You are a gift and God will see us through to one day know that our losses are not in vain. He starts by allowing us to walk and care alongside others who are grieving... feeling not so alone is a gift. Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

I am a new member. I lost my 3 year old daughter and my mother in an auto accident in August. My 9 year old son was the only survivior. I am so thankful for him. But my grief for my baby girl is so great, sometimes I don\'t give enough thanks to god for his life that was spared. My grief is so great... I can\'t see past it to properly grieve for my mother. She herself was only 53. I know everyone thinks their child is special as do I. Addison was so special she touched so many lives with her friendliness and her smile and sparkling eyes. I don\'t know where I go from here. It seems like it happened yesterday, yet it doesn\'t seem real. I promised her so many things. Dance lessons, ball, to go to school. The list was endless she wanted to do so much. And I wanted her to. I feel so cheated, just to have had her for only 3 years!

[sydneysmom]

Dear Guest, I am in tears right now. Your little girl sounds like such a special angel. I'm SO sorry you are going through this. This happened two months ago? That is like yesterday.

Let me offer you a sad but warm welcome. I hope you find this website very helpful in learning to live with this pain. Also, check out SilentGrief.com. I have found it to be just what I need in a community of very loving and understanding moms.

Love and hugs. Angela

[Guest Guest]

Please i do not know where to post,i have just registered,i lost my only daughter in feb this year she was my little princess,she was 2 years old and choked on a grape,the day haunts me still and instead of getting better im getting worse,the story was published world wide and on all the news stations due to the lovely press been at the hearing,she was my life and when she needed me most i could not save her i tried everything i knew and nothing worked i even gave her cpr and it failed i will never forgive myself for giving her the grapes,i never gave her anything dangerous all her food was cut up,she was sat with me when it happened,half a grape got lodged,she suffered from asthma and the post mortem revealed her tubes were swollen and it could of been a pea that did it,but it doesnt help at all,i should not of gave them to her,i have had letters of complete strangers all over the world saying they were so sorry and what a beautiful girl she was and otheres have wrote saying how careless i am that i shouldnt be giving a 2 and half year old grapes and it was my fault.everyday life is so hard i miss her so much,my husband is in the army and was in iraq at the time and it was a nightmare,they sent him home the day after,and he wanted to go and see her in the chapel of rest i said i had cuddled her all night and did not want to see her in there,but i could hear him sobbing in the room and i hd to go in and i will never forget what i saw,she had changed so much in 24 hours she did not look like my baby anymore she had no colour and i just broke down,i knew she was going to look different but wasnt prepared for how she actually looked,she was then moved to a lovely funeral home for children near my home and my husband was adamant that nobody was going to touch his girl he bathed her and changed her nappy and clothes and blow dried her hair,he said she looked beautiful,she was anyway,perfect she was,i wanted to go and see her but couldnt face it again,but it was beating me up at home and the night before her funeral i went,i had to see her one lasttime,i wish i hadnt ,she didnt look like my katie bug she looked all grown up and not real.now im kicking myself for not holding her that night that i should of gave her one last cuddle,i cant win,i go down to her place of rest every week she has a beautiful white teddy headstone and i do all the flowers in pink,but i cant bear going,i want to dig her up and bring her home,it kills me,i dont know what to do i feel im going mad,i cry everyday i cant stop,ive even contemplated suicide,but i have just found out im pregnant and i scared something awful will happen to it,my midwife has told me i need to relax and rest as im a mess and will end up losing the baby but im so scared and woried all the time.i want my baby back and i cant bear not seeing her

[ryansmommy]

Tomorrow marks my one year since ryan left us. I didn't expect it to be this hard. I knew tomorrow would be hard but I never expected the raw pain that the past few weeks have shown me. Its hard to believe i haven't held him my arms for so long. It feels like my heard will explode. Sometimes i feel like i am struggling to just breath. i have learned what it means to really want something. i would give anything for just one more moment, one more hug, one more kiss, one more chance at that day and maybe this would never have happened.

After almost one year, we recieved our coronors report, Ryan aspirated, possibly during a seizure. He also tested positive for an inherited genetic disorder. Its a disorder that affected his immune system. i am terrified of what this means for josh. surely god wouldn't let anything else happen to us.

Ryan, mommy loves you. i miss you.

[sydneysmom]

Oh Ryansmommy, I'm so sorry! It feels like it was yesterday, doesn't it? And it just keeps sucking what life you have left from your weakened heart.

I didn't know what happened to your sweet Ryan. I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound like you could have done anything to change what happened. Please, try not to blame yourself. You obviously gave him the best life he could have while here on this earth. He is so loved!

I don't mean to sound redundant, but I know sometimes I need to hear the same thing said just a little differently. Your little Ryan is not missing anything now! He is having so much fun exploring things we've never seen, and with no limitations. All he knows now is peace and joy and love. How exciting! And I know being his mommy, you wonder at times what he is doing without you, but I think in Heaven it will be like just a few moments and we will all be together.

I will be praying for you today. May God wrap His loving arms around you. Sending you a big hug - Angela

[sydneysmom]

I wanted to say to the Guest whose little princess went to Heaven in February, I was so, so sad when I read your post last night. You have it so rough. I cannot believe people who don't even know you are making you feel like it's your fault. We moms blame ourselves already, even if there was nothing we could do. And on that note, you need to know that this was not your fault. Yes you gave her the grape half, but like the coroners report showed, anything she was eating could have done this. Believe what the medical examiner said. And don't even bother reading those letters. Find a community that will show you support - that's what you need.

I prayed so hard for you last night. I'm just so sad for you. Please, please don't beat yourself up. Is it possible to believe your baby girl's destiny on this earth was fulfilled? She didn't die, she was given eternal life! I only want to offer you a glimpse of hope. This is a long journey, I know, but I for one will walk alongside you.

Much love - Angela

[butterfly06]

I just lost my niece Abigail 4 weeks ago she had just turned 1 on September 8th she died two weeks after her birthday..she had gotten a pill and taken it nobody knew this until she was later taken down to danville and they did blood work and urine sample..it started with her taking a seizure then was rushed to the hospital which there she had coded they revived her but it was to late she had developed brain damage...this is the hardest thing I ever been through in my entire life...I wish there I could bring my brother and my sister in law abigail back to them I would do anything to bring her back...my brother is devasted because it was one of his pills she had gotten into...I know any kind of words I say to him right now..I have a 1yr old little girl myself they would of been best friends they would of had sleep overs...now its all gone..Abbys parents and family our all lost...I just don't understand god I just don't...

[sydneysmom]

Dear Butterfly, I'm so, so sorry about your little niece. It's just horrible that you have to go through this pain. It is a long journey. I lost my 20 month-old little angel Sydney almost 6 months ago and it still feels like yesterday.

Try to stay close to your brother and sister-in-law. As the shock wears off, you will all have a need to be carried at times.

Come to the silentgrief.com website, if you can. It is a wonderful community - we can relate and will help you through these most difficult times.

I will be praying for your family. Love and hugs - Angela

[buddhasmom]

Halloween is almost here. Last year was Donovan's first time trick or treating, and it was also his last. Im trying to be there for my daughter, to keep the normalcy for her, but I know i just couldnt go walking from door to door, because Id keep seeing him there, smiling, running, trying to eat his candy. This is going to be such a hard time of year for us, the holiday season...I just want it to go away. I want to keep living in my cocoon. Some days its almost like he was the dream, that he was never even here, because he was here for so short a time, and I now have the rest of my life to try to hold onto those 2 and a half years. Days are getting worse and worse. Ive stopped sleeping again, im breaking down randomly, out of the blue, and no one knows how to deal with me. I dont know how to deal with me. My best friend has a son, who was only a couple months younger than mine. She gets so excited when he learns new things, and she wants to share with me, but I just cant. It hurts, because her son gets to wear big boy undies, and mine never will. Her son gets to go to preschool, and mine never will, she gets to hug her son, and I'll never be able to again. I dont know what to say to her. I understand that shes a proud mom, wanting to show him off, but it just slams into my heart everytime that I should be doing and saying the same things about my son, and im not.  I cant help but think, was I that horrible of a person, were things that bad, that He had to be taken from us, so we would realize it? I dont think im ever going to feel like its not my fault somehow. But some days, its so much worse. I think, let me go back, take me instead...He should behere, enjoying life, making people happy with his smiles, instead of me, moping around, and wishing I could change my world back.

[adamsmom3403]

buddhasmom - Horrible things happen to normal people - Please don't think you did something wrong - I lost my 8year old son in a car accident on 1/18/04 - The first question I am going to ask God when I get to heaven is Why?  Please, please don't think you are being punished for something you did.  As for your friend with the little boy around your sons age, you have to tell her it is just too painful for you when she shares her sons achievements.  If she is a good friend she will understand and the friendship will continue -  You have been in my thoughts since I read your post this morning - please take care

[momof04]

Hi all. This is the first time I have been on one of these. Wish I wasn't. I lost my sweet little angle to heaven on 9/4/2007. The day she was to start her first day of 4th grade. We were in a car accident on Labor Day, on our way home from the local fair. My 16 year old son was the driver when a feed truck ran a stop sign and hit us. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital,1 in a coma. My 15 year old is still in the hospital with head trama. I spent 3 days in the hospital. My little Jayme hung on as long enough to make sure her brother and sister pulled through surgery. I also have a 11 year old who was not with us that day, because he decided to ride home with dad since we drove seperat and met there. He was a half hour behind us and got detoured around the accident. He made it home before he found out it was us. I just don't know how to deal with all this. The 2 kids missed the funeral. We had to tell them when they woke up from their comas that Jayme had died. It was like reliving it all over. Now in 3 weeks Jayme would have been turning 10 and I don't know if I can deal with that and the holidays. Everyone keeps telling me things will get better in time that the firsts are the worst. But how do I deal with the firsts and be there for my other kids who need me and my husband as much as ever right now???? I feel like I am missing part of me and yet I am suppose to be there for everyone else right now. Can some one who has gone through the first help me through this? Does the pain really get easier to deal with???? Is there ever a nomal life anymore??

[4everjoeysmom]

Momof4, I am so terribly sorry for your pain in losing your precious Jayme.  I believe it's way too early for you to even begin comprehending survival of the firsts, as it's so raw and fresh, and I can only imagine you are just beginning to surface somewhat out of the shock and disbelief.  I lost my son 15 months ago, and yes time does soften the edges, but it's hard to understand that and believe that when things are so raw.  It seems a callous and superficial response.  And with holidays so near, I feel so badly for your devastation.  The world keeps turning when our world as we knew it collides and comes to a halt.  Last holidays I did volunteer work, feeding in orphanages and lonely senior centers, and such.  It helped my perspective some, and it didn't matter that I did all of that through lots and lots of tears.  It will be a difficult time for all of your family, including your children.  Perhaps a "memorial" holiday service for their sister as part of this year's activities would help them and you since they missed the funeral.  Maybe the besy course of action is to come together as a family and share, talk about what each of you needs to do to get therough the holidays, and formulate a plan.  Taking a plan step by step may be a little easier than "winging it" this first year.  With a plan it seems we just go through the motions, but if it helps us get through the first of holidays, then so be it--anything that helps.

Come also to visit loss of a Teenager forum, as there are parents of kids 11 and up that you maye be able to gleen from and connect with.  This forum is lovely, but usually used primarily by people with VERY young children--babies, 1-6, etc.  And many of us in the Loss of Teen forum have surviving kids that we share in how to cope and help them and ourselves.  Again, I am so sorry for your tragic loss.  My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.  HUGS, Claudia (JoeysMom)

[wyomingsal]

Mom of 4,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My prescious 10 year old son, Joshua, died 7/20/07 in a drowing accident. He would have been 11 in September.     My 9 year old son was there and saw him in the water but could do nothing to save him.  I also have a 7 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.  I think the idea of having a memorial for your children who couldn't attend the funeral is a great idea.  They might really like to have the opportunity to help plan and put their memories and ideas into it.  

With my kids I have really tried to be open and honest with my feelings and thoughts.  We have tried to allow the kids to share memories thoughts about Joshua at any time.  I told them it is ok to feel angry/guilty/ sad/happy/ and have all sorts of mixed emotions.  We lost someone we love.  We made a memory box that we had the kids decorate with stickers that remind them of Joshua. We laughed and cried as we talked about memories.   He would have been in 5th grade this year.  It is hard to be at his school and see the 5th graders.  He should be there with them.  We all miss him so much. I still cry almost everyday.  But I am almost to a day by day point rather then an hour by hour or even a minute by minute mode.  I can go a day or two now without completely losing it.    I guess that is a little progess.  I have told the kids that they can talk any time they want.  It can be next year and if they have a bad day I am here to listen.  I think it is so important for them to talk about things.  I have my 2 older boys in counseling so they can talk there too.   We also believe in God.  Joshua was a Christian and I believe Joshua is in Heaven.  That hope allows us to move forward together as a family knowing we WILL see our Joshua again in eternity. 

It is so hard.   I liken grief to a scar that slowly fades over time but never goes away.  It will always be a part of you and your family.  You will adapt over time, but your family will always be different because of your loss.  You have my sympathy for your terrible loss.

Sal

[mikesmum]

Mom of 4.    The first year is hard because you have what used to be and what is now covered in a cloud/fog of unreal.  .  Grief has no 'realtime' timetable, there are no quick fixes or simple easy ways to overcome what you have experienced.  Don't expect to be 'over it', you may in many ways never get over the loss, but you will continue on.

Feelings of grief and loss are very individualised. It is a life long process of change.  I agree with Claudia, time softens the edges, but without warning there can be minutes, hours or days where the pain and aching of the loss is a real as day one.

What once seemed important is now insignificant, something others that have not been where you are have trouble understanding. 

Don't be afraid to smile at memories that will come into your thoughts without warning.  It is okay. That took sometime for me to understand, but it did come.

For me, writing here gave me a place to speak about my son, his death, my life, my loss and connect with others that allowed me to feel I was not alone.

I found a memorial website through BI and that allowed me another outlet to remember in Micheal in a positive. 

Talking to a Psychologist for the past 10 months has also been helpful with the whys, the anger, the loss and the physical pain I still feel each day, as if some part of me has been removed and isn't healing.

I can only offer, be kind to yourself and those left with you in this nightmare you are experiencing with the loss of Jamye.

Thoughts are with you and yours

Blessed be -  Trudi 

 

[mikesmum]

I found this really reflected of what I felt in my first days but could never express....hope this is of some help to you

 

Death leaves a heartache

No one can heal;

Love leaves a memory

No one can steal

 

Don’t tell me that you understand.

Don’t tell me that you know.

Don’t tell me that I will survive,

How I will surely grow.

Don’t come at me with answers

That can only come from me.

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

Accept me in my ups and downs.

I need someone to share.

Just hold my hand and let me cry

And say, “My friend, I care"

 

Trudi

[momof04]

Thank you that is how I feel and it is put so nice.

[mikesmum]

You are welcome and though it may seem like at times, you are never alone....memories, online and those who know are thinking of you, just letting you be...

[amberi]

Just wanted to send my thoughts out to everyone.

I lost my husband in May 07 and my daughter passed back in July of 93 in a drowning accident.

I miss them both terrible and only peace I get from missing them so much is that they are together.

I talk about my daughter and people think I shouldnt anymore but I say to bad. I speak of her when I want and if Im crying cuz I miss her then so be it. guess Im just feelin lonely and sad.

I think I just needed to let of some steam, thanks for being an ear for me.

I wish you all the best and send my thoughts your way. no one understands like us.

 

Take care,

Amber

[momof04]

Wyomingsal thats for the suggestion. I have talked with the kids and they want to do a ballon let go on Jayme's birthday. So my daughter in the hospital and I are doing little cards to tie to the balloons with little sayings that Jayme had. The boys are going to help me fill all the balloons up. Dad  is taking charge of making posters to put up at school and running an add in the paper so our whole small town knows and I am sure that most will be there. It has brought us together more then I thought. I was worried that the kids would with draw from it more then they are. It still is hard on Eric the one who was driving, but we keep telling him it was not his fault.  Thanks so much, I can not tell you how much this has helped and hurt at the same time.

 

[amberi]

Dear Mom04,

It has been 14years since I lost my daughter who was going into fourth grade. The first were very hard. I dont want to trick you and lead you down a road that sounds pretty. It does get a little less painful (I really cant describe the right word for that.) But as I am moving thru the years it had moments that were harder. After a few years birthdays and holidays got easier (just cant find the right word, if someone knows a better way to say it let me know) what got harder was unexpected things like 8th grade graduation, Prom, HS Graduation, marriage and babies. Her two best friends are and allways have been every much involved in our lives. So we attended all these events in support of them but not realizing the pain it would bring. It was hard but we got thru it.

Please believe me when I say I m not trying to bring you more pain but just want to be honest. No one I talked to warned me about the other events. They only talked about the Birthdays and holidays. I hope this can some how prepare you for the future. One thing you can do is cherish those days with your other children. That is what I have done. My other daughter is 16 and I try to think about my first daughter being there with us. it actually brings some comfort.

Lossing my husband after 18years has also re triggerd all the pain and now new pain.

I once told a lady in the support group that when I was overwhelmed with grief I tried as hard as I could to think of some fun and funny times we had and it would bring out of the hard tears. She said it helped so I pass this advise to you if you feel you need it. 

Please take care of you, with out there mom your children will struggle more.

I cannot imagine what you are going thru. But I want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[adamsmom3403]

mom of 4 - I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you and your family are in.  Birthdays and holidays are horrible, but I have found the build up to the occassion is actually worse than the day itself, maybe becasue i go numb on those days.  I am glad you have come together to decide how to celebrate your beautiful daughters birthday.  The only thing that matters now is how you and your husband and children choose to celebrate birthdays and holidays. Something some family members can't understand.  I have ruffled a few feathers by not attending certain functions, but I have to protect my husband and daughters.   We receieved a huge amount of support from our sons school after his death.  Adam loved trains, he was like a little sponge soaking up all info he could get.  The funeral home suggested setting up a memorial fund for adam, donations came pouring in from total strangers; since his funeral was paid for through our car insurance policy we took the money and purchased a 6 piece train play structure for his school,   someone from the school donated a memorial plaque.  The train was delivered the Sept. he should have started 3rd grade.  Every once in a while (when I have the energy) I go and visit it - he would of loved it.

I know how your son is feeling as I was driving the day Adam died.  My husband never blamed me or even thought of blaming me - It will take him time to realize it was not his fault, the only thing I can suggest is therapy - find a good grief counselor, we went a few times as a family but it was too painful, now we go seperately - each one of us in our own time.  It has helped more than I can say. 

Take care you and your family are in my prayers.

Laura 

[buddhasmom]

Spent over an hour yesterday in my son's room, crying and touching his things. I think it helped, getting it all out.

[myjustininheaven]

I lost my 2 year old in a drowning accident in May 07.

 

[wyomingsal]

Mom of 4,

How are things going?  Is your daughter still in the hospital?  Did you have your balloon release?  I have been thinking about you and wondering.  knowing the ache in your heart as you try to help and comfort your living children while the pain and shock of your loss still stab your heart every day.  I am hoping your find some comfort and peace even in the midst of the worst possible thing that could happen to a family.

 

MyJustininHeaven,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My Joshua was 10 when he drowned in a swimming accident in July '07.  We are almost at the 4 month mark.  Let us know if we can be of any help. 

Sal

[myjustininheaven]

[user=18451]wyomingsal[/user] wrote:

MyJustininHeaven,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My Joshua was 10 when he drowned in a swimming accident in July '07.  We are almost at the 4 month mark.  Let us know if we can be of any help. 

Sal

Sal thank you very much for your kind heart and words, the only thing that's keeping me alive is that I need to be near him again, if I'll live as a true beleiver I will have a place in the kingdom of God one day. I will tolerate the pain for him, I will swallow the aches to be next to him again someday, we are all going to leave here one day so I'd better be ready for it.

[momof04]

The balloon release is the 21st (her 10th Bday) That is also the day my daughter gets to come home from the hospital. What a rollercoaster of emotions that day will be. On Friday Jaymes head stone was placed out at the cemetary. That was hard to see, but it is as beautiful as she is.  The balloon release sounds like it will be a big one. All of her classmates are planning on coming as well as so many of the town people. Everyone is amazed how I planned this with everything going on, but to be honest it really helped me deal with the fact she is gone. I did alot at night when I couldn't sleep. I still struggle with going to sleep. I just wish that when I shut my eyes that when I open them this all will have been a VERY BAD dream,but I know its not. I hope all goes well on the 21st.

[wyomingsal]

I understand about the difficulty sleeping.  Bedtime is when you lay down in the dark without distractions and all of the thoughts that have been waiting just outside of consciousness come pouring into your head.  I am doing a little better now at night but I still have nights when I just have to come down to the computer and type about my feelings and thoughts.  I have to let them out or I will be awake all night.  I will be praying that things would go well for your family on the 21st.  (as well as possible.)  I know it will be an emotional day for you all.  I look at the picture of your daughter and think how close in age she was to my son Josh.  She was really beautiful.  Perhaps she and my son know each other in Heaven. 

Sal

[buddhasmom]

Myjustininheaven:

My 2 year old son drowned in March of 07. 

[momof04]

Sal, I know my Jayme and your Josh know each other. They are playing and having fun. Several of Jayme's friends have told me about a dream they had where Jayme came to them and told them about the playground she was playing on and all the new cool friends she has met. All of them discribe the same playground so that makes me happy to know she is doing what she loves. But on the flip side of that I wish she would come to me to let me know she is ok. She has come to Kelly ( the one in the hospital) several times. When ever Kelly has a hard day Jayme is there. So I know Josh is one of the new cool friends she has. She prolly even has a crush on him but will never tell him.  You Josh is a cutie as well. Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I know you don't think they are but everytime I come on this site I feel better knowing I have people I can talk to that understand how I feel. Most days I don't even know myself how I feel. I just wonder if I will make it through the day or if I will spend the whole day crying and trying to hide it from everyone.

[wyomingsal]

Mom of 4

I am thinking about you and your family today a day before your sweet daughter's birthday.  I friend of mine who lost a baby to sids in 1996 told me the days before the birthday are actually worse then the actual day. She was so right when it came to the days and the week before Joshua's 11th birthday.  I was so down and depressed the entire week before thinking about how he would never get to turn 11 and go to 5th grade and grow a beard, etc etc.  Maybe I ws numb by the actual day.   I think this week will be espcially hard for your dear family with both a birthday and "Thanksgiving" and a beautiful child coming home from the hosptial. It can make you feel guilty at those times you dont feel thankful and yet you know you have living children still to be thankful for.  I have to hang onto the fact that the kids in Heaven are not really sad about missing anything.  They are completely happy and fulfilled where they are. They don't long to be here the same way we long for the to be here.  Hugs to you and your family.

Sal

[momof04]

Well the balloon release when well. Lots of people showed up. Lot and lots of crying. The 2 kids took it very hard. But it was the first time seeing her grave site. Kelly made it home from the hospital. Man it is nice to have all of us together on this day. Really wish Jayme was here but I know she is watching over us. We also had many laughs about things that she did. She was quite the jokester. The day started out rough. The cat stepped on the cake so I broke down, but my husband took over and fixed the cake.While I just sobbed for an hour. The day really had its ups  and downs. I just really miss her and at times it is hard to beleave she is not coming back.  One of her best friends gave me a little poem today with her picture and it did make me feel better. It was how she was called to God and ran with open arms. That she is not sad but does miss us. That she is watching over us and wishing we would just be happy cause she is at peace. Thank you all for your thoughts today. I thought about all of you today as well.

[myjustininheaven]

[user=16933]buddhasmom[/user] wrote:

Myjustininheaven:

My 2 year old son drowned in March of 07. 

Oh God, they died at the same age a couple of months difference, they must be together now! How are you coping?? I'm dying slowley ....he was my only and my first I would pay the rest of life to see him again.

[buddhasmom]

The holiday season is upon us. Wishing you all the ability to find peace this month, and all the months after. Youre all in my thoughts.

[momof04]

Same to you Buddhasmom. It will be a rough one but we have no choice but to get throught it. We will all miss our little angels. I got one of the sweetest poems in the mail the other day. It made me cry but I feel better. Hope it helps all of you.

 

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below with timy lights, like heavens stars, reflecting on the snow.

Ith sight is so spectacular! Please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmsas with jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but the sounds of music can't compare with the heavenly Christmas choir this year....

For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.. for it is beyond description to hear an angel sing!

I know how much you miss me, for I can see the pain inside your hear. I wish I could take the pain from you, for we will never be apart...

I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit, as I tell him of your love, Then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above.

 So Please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing, For I'm spending Christmas in heaven, and I'm walking with the King!!!

 

[wyomingsal]

Thank you for sharing that poem with us.  That was beautiful.    I am reading the 90 minutes in heaven book by Don Piper and that  is really giving my sons' and I alot of comfort.  I have attached a picture of my husband's memorial tattoo if it comes in.   I am not sure about how the attachments work. 

Sal

[lagrangel]

Sal, I normally post in the teenage forum but I always read the forums with the loss of a child. I have read the book 90 minutes in heaven and really thought the book was great. Another book I enjoyed was Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul and it is a good book dealing with stories of the loss of a loved one. It just helps me to read these type of books at this time. If you ever need any more suggestions I read alot trying to help me cope with the loss of our son. I think your husbands tatoo is a wonderful memorial to your son. Each and everyone are in my prayers. It is a difficult journey and we all need each others support to get through the day. Love to all, Lana 

[momof04]

Sal, That tatoo is cool. I have been thinking about what I want to get for Jayme too. I know my husband has been planning his too.  I have not yet read that book but I do have it. Guess maybe I should. Just not sure I am ready. 

With everything going on latley I have hardly cooked. We ate out alot when we were at the hospital. (not that I have been real hungry) and people have brought over meals. I still get one or two a week. But today I tackled grociery shopping for the first time since the accident. Real shopping not just oh I need this and picking it up. It was the hardest day in a long time. Every food I seen that I knew she liked I could not bring myself to pick up. I just cried and cried through the whole store. But what was so weird is I picked up pickles, which was her all time favorite snack. I dont remember picking them up, but they were in my cart when I checked out. I just had to sit im my car for a half hour and cry. Please tell me it gets easier or my family will starve, or gain major weight from eating out all the time.  Carrie

[wyomingsal]

I remember the first few times I went shopping.  It was so hard with all the memories I have of Joshua in the store.  I could barely contain my tears and had to hurry and buy what I needed and leave.  Each food isle had something that reminded me of him.  Special treats he loved.  Silly foods he hated.  Every good thing I would buy for my other children would  make me think how much he loved that.  It was very overwhelming and unexpected.  Over time it has become easier to shop. I had to work through and experience those memories and understand my loss anew from each different angle before I could shop without having a melt down.   Each different activity seems to brings fresh memories and waves of grief and loss.  It is like you have to cry and experience the memories of each part your life that you used to spend with your child and then you can slowly participate in that activity again.  It really will get easier to shop.  But then some other unexpected memory will catch you unsuspecting.  I can only hold onto my faith that my Joshua and your beautiful daughter are happier then I can even imagine.  That is really what we want the most as parents.  We just want to experience their happiness with our own earthly senses so we could really feel it not just know it mentally.  I hope you can find some joy this week with your living children and with your knowledge that your sweet little girl is happy in heaven. 

Sal

[mikesmum]

For those who have lost their babies, not matter what their age.....

[wyomingsal]

religion mentioned. :?

The kids had fun today and I am glad for that.  It is hard because I just don't feel very happy.  I am thankful for the birth of the Lord.  I am thankful that I can look forward to seeing my boy in Heaven.  Yet this time of year has so many memories of the good times we had with Joshua in the past.  What he would love and how excited he would be.  What we were doing last year at this time.  I would never in my wildest dreams have ever imagined he wouldn't be here with me this year.  I have been mentally tired and emotional thinking about Joshua much of the time.    I feel bad because I didn't even take the kids to the Christmas Eve service at church.  I always love to go and I think it is important for my family to celebrate the birth of Jesus, not just Santa and his gifts.  I was just tired and didn't want to drag everyone out.  Hopefully next year.  My dear sister sent a honey baked ham and I just served that cold for dinner with mashed potatoes. No vegetable and no sit down dinner.  The kids were happy to eat in the living room watching their new movies and playing games.  At least I wrapped the gifts and filled stockings. 

 Life will never be the same for us will it.  Always there will be a hole in our family.  None of our children can fill the hole.  None have his personality, his love of history and facts, his enthusiasm, his humor.  Each child is so special and unique and each becomes entwined in the very make up of the family.  You can't pull one out without changing the entire makeup of the family.  Pull just one color of thread out of a tapestry and see what happens.  The entire picture would be changed.  It is hard to adjust and want to enjoy the new picture. I am stubborn and want to hold on to the original.   I am blessed that each color in my family tapestry is vivrant and special and stands alone as a wonderful picture.  But I loved the picture how it was.  I miss my lost thread.  My son unique and wonderful. 

I wish you all peace and rest this holiday season while you miss your sweet children.

Sal

[lagrangel]

Sal,

   Your words are exactly the way I feel. No matter how many wonderful children we have you still have that missing piece in your family. The one we lost had their own place in the family and made the family whole. I agree I liked the old the way it was before and who could even imagine one of our sweet children would be missing. I really loved the way you expressed your feelings. I hope and pray as time goes on in this journey that things may be a little more bearable for all of us. I think your family understands how difficult the ordinary things in life are. My other sons really worked hard at trying to make our Christmas bearable the first year without their brother and our son. It just feels like you go through the motions to get the holidays over. It's not that I don't bless the birth of Jesus but it is so difficult when we are on this journey. I do understand how Mary had to feel when she lost her beloved son.  It's such an overwhelming journey at times. Bless you and your family, Love Lana

[momofonewhosoars]

Hello everyone. I found my way here through wyomingsal's blog. I'm one of her blog buddies. I'm Melissa and I gave birth to my daughter on June 14, 2007 at 29 weeks 5 days. She was 3 lbs 1.9 oz and 13 inches long. She did WONDERFUL at first, but when the NICU started feeds she got a nasty intestinal infection and it shut down her kidneys. She fought the infection and swelling for 2.5 weeks, the day before she died they told us WONDERFUL news! The Infection was gone, now they could do dialisis and stuff. But it was too late, the next morning we got the emergency call and were told to get up to the hospital asap. DH didn't think it was serious so my mil took me up there, when we got halfway there the cellphone rang, she was doing even worse, I could tell by the drs voice, I knew the truth, she was going to die. I started bawling and called dh and told him to get up there asap. Looking back on it I know he didn't want to believe it. I spent 6 weeks prior to Calypso being born in the hospital in the OBICU unit and he got me through it by telling me she'd be fine and come home, he convinced himself of it too.

MIL and I got there first and we went into the NICU, on Module 6's door there was the most horrible sign I'd ever seen 'The Nicu is temporarily closed' now any NICU mom KNOWS what this EVIL EVIL VILE sign means, it means a baby is passing away or is doing very very very badly. They let me in and I went back to see Calypso while we waited for dh to arrive, I sang to her, she looked so bad, it was like she wasn't there anymore, everything just felt different.

When dh got there they said essentially she was drowning in the fluid that had accumulated and they COULD put a tube in her chest to try and drain that fluid but realistically they didn't think it would work, and what did we want to do. DH left it up to me, I told them I didn't want her to hurt anymore but could they please let me hold her before they took her off the vent. I held my daughter for the first time as they baptized her, Oh she was beautiful, I was a mess, I'd been pumping for her every 3 hours for 23 days. My milk let down while I held her which made me sob. Then they told us it was time, so we were taken into another room as they took her off everything. They brought her back to us. God as I held her she gasped for air, I felt like a murderer, I was letting her die!! The drs and nurses were in and out and i didn't realize until later they were checking her stats when they bent down to talk to me. Our baby girl lived for 50 minutes and passed away in our arms

She was 23 days, 12 hours, and 30 minutes old

[wyomingsal]

Welcome Melissa,

I am glad you found us.    There is a great group of parents here.  I haven't really heard your full story and I am heartbroken for you all over again.....for both of us.  You might also want to  check out the Christian belief's board because it is very active.  I think of you and your precious family often. 

Sal

[mikesmum]

Melissa, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Calypso.  One who stayed long enough to met you and left peacefully in your arms.  While you may not feel it yet, your decision not to put her through any more invasive intervention shows strength and love only others who have been where you are will know of.

Take care.  As Sal says there are many forums available to you at this very painful time in your life.

Blessed be to you and your "one who soars" on the wings of the angels........

[momof04]

Hi All, It has been a while again since I was on. It has been 5 months today since the accident. Hard to beleive. Seems just like yesterday. Tomarrow is 5 months since my baby left and I can not beleive it has almost been half a year. The pain is still so raw and real.  Tomarrow will also be the first day I will not be able to be at her grave site at the exact moment she died. (I have to be at work) I feel like I am letting her down. I feel as if I am the biggest failer as a mother.What kind of mother does not protect her children from all this pain. I know you all are great mothers, but I feel I in some way did something to decieve this. Kelly is blaming herself for not holding Jayme when the truck hit cause she was on the other side of her. But what does that make me since I was her mother and on the other side. I

I drive the road now everyday to work. (That tought) When I go pass the spot I pray to keep the rest of my family safe and to give my little angel a hug and tell her that her mommy is sorry and loves her so much.

 

[gagesmommy]

Gage passed away while in my care at my home on January 13, 2008. My son was disabled and had a condition labelled as West syndrome/ His father and I were in the midst of taking him back to his neurologist in Edmonton and I had fully expected him to have his diagnosis transferred from West syndrome to a condition called Lennox-Gastaut Synndrome.

West Syndrome is described as an infantile spasm disorder where the origin of the seizures cannot be determined. It is also described as one of the most devastating seizure disorders affecting infants.

Gage was heavily medicated with anti-convulsant medications and they had, in recent weeks, started to lose their effectiveness and his seizures had returned to him once again. I believe that this onset of this disease was caused by 2 factors. He was born 6 weeks premature in Regina General Hospital. When he was born he did not breath for the first 2 minutes. At 10 months old I took him to get his MMR vaccination and the day after the shot he began having fever seizures. The chances that the vaccination caused his disease are 1:50000. The chance that it happened at birth is much more likely, but no test results have ever confirmed either suspicion.

West syndrome was a very hard disorder to fight and it was an uphill battle from the beginning. Statistically speaking, upwards of 31% of the people diagnosed with West Syndrome die prematurely. Children with West syndrome also have a very poor prognosis in regards to their mental capacity.

The circumstances surrounding Gage’s death are what they are. I am not at this time prepared to make them public knowledge as the results of his autopsy have not yet come back and his death has not yet been labeled as having a specific cause. 

Gage’s death was a tragic event which has devastated both me and my family. My six year old son touched so many lives that there were over 200 people in attendance at his funeral. He was a very special and very happy and loved little man. The autopsy results still have not come back. The officer investigation Gage's death phone the pathologist last week and asked him if he had a report yet. The pathologist declined, saying that he was still waiting on results from the tissue and blood samples that were taken from Gage during his autopsy. I fully expect that the findings will indicate that in the moments before his death he had yet another seizure, which may have caused some of the circumstances to fall into play surrounding his death.

I held my son in my arms while his heart beat for the last time. I tried to perform CPR. Terry and Kelly did also and he was given life-saving efforts by them until the moment that the EMS and Dr. O arrived and took over. There was nothing that they could do. I was told afterward that they couldn’t get anything from him, no heartbeat or breath sounds. He was pronounced dead shortly after his arrival at the Radville  center by Dr. O.

Terry's girls were present in our house the second weekend after Gage had passed. Amanda looked me in the eye and said "My Mom said that you killed Gage". As devastating as this was I sat with Amanda and explained to her what had happened, showed her Gage’s urn and assured her that Gage’s death was not caused by me and that it was his time to go, but at the same time was still with us. His little body just couldn’t handle the stresses of life on earth. 

This is so hard to deal with. This isn't a position that I ever thought that I would be in and never ever wanted to be in. Today is 4 weeks since Gage passed. My days are getting somewhat better, but I don't want them too. I go to sleep everynight hoping that I will wake up in the morning and that it will all have been a horrible, horrible nightmare.

I have read through many of the posts on this website and take a little comfort in the fact that I am not the only one and that eventually this is going to get better. Hopefully, someday I will able to put a real smile on my face again.....

[mikesmum]

[user=19387]gagesmommy[/user] - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Gage.  No one can understand the life changing event of losing a child, let alone the torment that comes from waiting for the results of the investigation that follows.

Footprints - remind me of the life prints children leave on us whether they are weeks or years old.  May you find some comfort here, many have come before you travelling this never ending journey.  May their stories help you through this time....

Blessed be - Trudi

[gagesmommy]

Thank-you for your reply. I am so heartbroken right now. This morning it hurt so much to get out of bed. I do take comfort in the fact thought however that he didn't die in distress. It was fast. I don't know if it was painful or not, but it didn't mean months of tubes and hospital visits. He's taught me so much and I can't at this time fathom life without him. It feels like he's just visiting at his dad's house.

My current partner is going through a really nasty divorce( his ex is taking us to courth because the RCMP is investigating she doesn't think we should see his kids) and it has just been a hell of a year for us. Does this ever get better??? I am so envious of Gage. He is in such a better place right now. I just wish that he could be here with us.

I have never known pain like this before. Terry (my oartner) is so supportive. I love him so much  but I feel that I am suffocating him beacuse I tell him that every chance that I get because I don't want to look back on his life and wish i would have let him know that I loved him more often.....

Thanks

Jocelin