Loss of a Young Child

[butterfly2000]

Hi,

I am new here and desperately need help. I was married for 22 years,

I have 3 children. 2 daughters on earth, and a son in heaven. After

my son was born, with a very rare metabolic disorder which left him

very severely brain damaged, my husband used this as the perfect

excuse to sleep around. He abused me verbally, emotionally,

mentally, and towards the end he punched me to the ground, then

kicked me. I don't care what he did to me..I am struggling to live a

normal life after the way her treat our son.

Our little son never spoke in his life, he was totally bed ridden

and had severe cerebral palsy as well. He was the sunshine of my

life, and I adored him with all my heart and soul. My husband kept

on screaming at me, how our son had messed his life up, and he used

to threaten me, that if I did not put our son in a home, he would

walk out. I told him, there is only one home, any of my chidlren

would ever know, and that was right here in OUR home. He was our son

and deserved to be treat with all the love I had in me.

After my hsuband attacked me one day, because I refused to put our

son in a home, he started having numerous affairs. I was so scared

of losing my chidlrens security, and the fact that I was a stay at

home mom, caring for my son as well as our older 2 daughters.I

begged him to come back. Eventually he came back, but he treat me

like absolute dirt. He would have me iron his clothes so he could go

and take his girlfriends out to dinner, while he kept us on a very

tight cheap food budget. He said I was not spending time with him,

so I made a big effort to go out with him. Well, he decided to stop

his director job at a good company and start singing in bars. I

could not believe the change in him, midlife crisis. My eldest

daughter refused to let me get help for our son adn said she would

take care of her brother while I went out with her father for about

3 hours in the evening. This happened every single night, and I used

to come hom so tired, then my husband knew I still had to stay up

for another 2 hours, tube feeding my son and getting him to sleep

after his medicine, but my husband still wanted his " husband

favours" before I did all this. I was exhausted. This went on for 18

months and eventually I was going downhill as well. Before my

husband demanded that I go out with him, my son was fed very very

slowly with the tip of a teaspoon, my husband would start shouting

that I was taking too long and demand that I hurry. I was a nervous

wreck, trying to feed my son and know I was in trouble with my

husband. I did not enjoy going out, I don't drink and he treat me

like dirt. but I was so desperate to keep my family together.

Eventually the Professor looking after my son, said I really need to

tube feed my son and give him water via the tube as well, as he was

vomioting a lot and becomming dehydrated. I put the tube in and

would fee my son, then take it out again, and feed him only when I

was rushed with my husband shouting at the door. My daughter learned

how to tube feed, she was 15 at the time. eventually my son slowly

lost his swallowing reflex and when I tried to feed him with the

spoon, he would choke and battle. This was a direct result, I was

told of the degerative disorder he had. It broke my heart so much.

My husband would sneak away from work adn tell his work people he

was going to see a client, but he came home to practice his singing,

and disrupt our sons sleep, who stayed awake all night because of

the brain damage, a lot of them, stay up all night and sleep very

little. He would come home and demand his " husband favours" again,

while I was trying to feed our son breakfast or lunch, and he would

say to me." who's more important here, ME or him" He used to swear

and curse at our son and wish he would die....for the last 4 years,

he totally ignored his son, who would look up at his father with

such love in his eyes, waiting for his dad to look at him, or stroke

his head, well....his dad never did either....he was the devil

himself. I eventaully kicked my husband out after he physically

punchede my younger daughter like a wild animal, he punched her

about 20 times. He was quiet and scared to dare hit a man, but would

hit a woman. When he left, I felt relieved in a way, but terrified

because I did not know how I was going to cope. My husband refused

to give me money and I had to start a job from home, which I still

do, and some fund raising.Within 3 weeks of my husband moving out,

back to his stupid girlfriends, my son got very ill. I asked my

husband on the saturday to please go into the roon adn make peace

with his son.he told me to go to hell, and he walked out back to his

GF. My son died in my arms the next morning at 7. His death took a

huge piece of me with him, I am not the same person.Within hours of

our son passing, my husband wanted to come back home and make it

work..I looked at him and said, you gotta be joking. Our son died

this morning and you want to come home now, I needed you then, I do

not need you now...get out of my lfie forever. I went to the divorce

courts and divorced him within 2 weeks.

I am a broken person now, my spirit has been crushed and I live

every day, at how my little son was treat by his dad. He was only 6

years old when he died.and he always had a smile for everyone. I am

living with such guilt, asking myself....why did I hang onto this

animal so much for security. Maybe if I had kicked him out years

ago, my son may have still been alive, or maybe would have had a

happier life, with jsut me and his 2 sisters who adored him. Maybe

if had not tube fed him, he would have managed to eat slowly with

the tip of a spoon and get his juice syringed drop by drop in his

mouth which is how I used to do it. I feel I let my son down.....and

my girls....and myself. It has been almost 5 years, and my spirits

broken to pieces. I hate life, I hate living, and the guilt is

killing me slowly. I became a complete hermit adn never went

out....for years.........then I met a very special man through my

boss, from another country, who knows about my past and is asking me

to go over and marry him. He treats me like gold, but I am so numb

with what I have gone through, I don't trust anymore and can't love

anymore. I am so scared of doing the wrong thing.....I have a job I

do from home, as I am not fit emotionally to work in a crowd. I

don't have medica aid insurance or pension and am really worried

about my future. My girls are now 22 and 25, but living their own

life. My guilt is the main thing that is stopping me from living,

and my confidence is at zero :-(

Thank you

[kirksdad]

Butterfly2000, 5 years of living with this guilt is enough and you need to go out and make a life for yourself, which from what you say is going to be hard, but can be done. What happened with your husband is unfortunately something that happens all too often even when the circumsatance you tell about are not in play. I am so sorry for your son and all you went through, but your son would probably feel the same if he could have and knew you loved him. You did what you could in the best possible way you could and, at times, life gets away from us all, it is like watching yourself getting into an accident, knowing it is going to happen and happening, but not being able to do a damn thing about it. Your husband was definately a mindless moron who probably blamed himself for your son's condition and could even begin to understand what he could do to make it better other than to make everyone's life around him as miserable as his was. There is no understanding the way some people act, think, or how they cope emotionally, that is just the way it is. It is time to think about yourself and do what you can to make your life better. You say that there is a man in a different county that you might be interested in. Before you do anything find out all you can, talk to him as much as you can, and if you then really feel that it is right maybe take a couple of weeks to go and meet him. You don't have to make a decision unless you feel it is something that you want and I really think it is time to start thinking about yourself and what you want. Your son will understand.

[butterfly2000]

Hello Kirksdad :-)

Thank you so much for your reply. You are 100% right, I do need to start thinking about myself and start putting me first. I have always put others first. If nothing else, I do have survival in my blood. I have had to survive from a very early age :-) Thank you for taking the time to read my long email and reply to it. It means a lot to know there are people in this world who do care.

Thanks again

[melcal69]

hello every one i haven\'t been on this site for a while

i lost my son mathew lee in 2001, and on his birthday weekend this year i decided that it was time for me to get to and do something for myself and get on with life, as mathew would have wanted me to, so today i meet with a man about a job and this is going to be the start of a whole lot of new things to come i start work on monday at 8am i\'m looking forward to doing it.

mathew you are and will alway be in our hearts forever

life will neaver be the same but we all have to move on some time and my time is now

[Artina]

Melcal69,

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to survive a horrific loss in your life. I find that we try to label what we are doing and thus give every move that we take an identifying "level". We don't have to be on a level that is either- "moving on" or "not moving on". Moving on is such a scary word to parent's who have lost a child... you are definately taking the next step in your life and I am sure you will carry Mathew Lee in your heart everyday. Enjoy your new job and continue to move forward on your journey.

Peace to you, Tina

[coltinsmom]

Sunday is Coltin's birthday. He would have (physically) turned 12. We are all so miserable. The last 19 months are very blurry to me. I can't seem to function anymore. I get lost in it all. He is my baby still. I see his face in my dreams. I miss you sweetheart. These landmark dates hurt so bad.

Coltin's Mom 4 ever

[chels1003]

Dear Melcal and Butterfly,

I am glad that you both are learning to live life again. It's not easy. I'm still working on it as well.

Coltinsmom, I understand where you are right now. This is a very hard time for you. Dates may as well be knives...

I still feel no better today than the day Kris left. I still cry on the way to work. I still wander off in a fog most times. I still pretend everythings going to be okay for my other 2. I am merely a shell of who I was. I function. At the bare minimum to get us all by.

A few weeks ago my son noticed it was the first time I had laughed in months. I wasn't laughing so much as expressing cynicism at our situation. That's when I decided to seek professional counciling. I don't want him to pick up where I am today. I have my first appointment this Thursday.

I'm asking this phd for a miracle. While making the appointment, I attacked him, the doctor, right away. As I'd attacked so many before him. He agreed to see me on the premise that he'd see where our fist meeting took us. I get the feeling he's about as happy to see me as I am him. I am angry and frustrated. I have been for years. If nothing else, I will make his education useful.

For everyone that was polite enough not to tell me I was full of crap when I first said I was trying to get help....you can say it now. A trained professional pretty much said it out loud already. If I'm not ready to confront my feelings, there's really no purpose in wasting his time. Or anyone else's, meaning your time.

I no longer believe the words I say. That things will work out. That we'll all manage through this. I can't. I haven't. I don't even have a clue as to how to do it. My husband asked me to make sure I have custody arranged in his favor because he no longer trusts my mood swings. I found that insulting, and sickly enough, comforting. That he is willing to move on where I so much want to let go.

To take that for granted is insane.

Trying to make it all work out one minute and not giving one iota the next.

Back and forth. Flip flop. It's all the same to me. Which is why I am begging for a wake up. Why I am asking for help. I feel like I am losing my mind.

How do you let go and still hang on?????? To a child loved so dearly???????

This is where I am today.

It's impossible to move on without letting go...If you can't let go, how do you move on???

Proud mom of Kris Jonny & Kait.

[Artina]

Coltinsmom,

I am thinking about you as you approach Coltin's birthday. These days are so difficult- especially the days leading up to the actual day. I do something special after the "day" passes, because there are just too many emotions and self expectations surrounding that "day". Do what works for you and take it easy on yourself.

Peac to you, Tina

[Artina]

Chels1003,

I hear you. Going back and forth is expected- were not sure what to do. This whole experience is not one that has been mapped out to a place that will take us in the "right" direction- which would lead us out of this horrible nitmare. DARN! Thus, we can expect to flip flop until we figure out what direction is best for us to go. As long as we are moving in some direction we are doing all that we can do.

Also... I decided to not make a choice between letting go or hanging on to my loss. Why??? Instead, I have accepted that I can live life, be happy, make goals and still hang on to my son (hurt)- all at the same time. I'm not going to make that choice- I don't have to. I miss my son, yet I love life (so did he). However, some parent's may need to make that choice and I respect that. This works for me though. This is something that will reveal itself to you in time.

Peace to you, Tina

[chels1003]

Tina,

Again, you really know who you are and where you stand with your feelings you express here. I admire that with utmost respect.

I want that for myself which is why I am so anxious to start counciling. To have an objective and neutral person let me say everything I hold on to, afriad to let go of for so long now. I had "tried" before...but I've been so scared of how much I hurt. I did make calls and no one did called me back, but I know I was abrupt. Confrontational before even knowing who I was talking to.

I am also afraid to trust doctors after all we went through with Kris' long 2 years of misdiagnosis. I have to learn to let that go. I am still upset about taking her to a councilor at the doctors recommendation and having this councilor offer her stickers for every meal she completed. I found that so insulting and degrading. I felt let down.

After Kris was correctly diagnosed, the oncologist informed me that her brain tumor was pressing down on the hypothalimus and other regions that constantly kept telling her she was "full" even though she had not eaten for days on end. Sometimes she even went a week or two with nothing more than a few glasses of milk to sustain her. Her doctor also told me that was okay.

She did not grow and she was a mess medically. I still resent that. I am, today, without a doubt, throughout my entire core of being, so so so so so angry we had to fight as hard as we did to get help for her. At that we could not get help until it was too late.

I also want to correct myself on saying that I "attacked" the psychologist while making my appointment. It was more or less playing offense and defense at the same time. I told him right off bat not to "label" me or prescribe medication to make me better. That if he felt he would do so, not to bother going through with the appt. That he had no better answers for me than I could give myself and I just wanted him to listen to me. So I can hear it out loud. Hear my own words out loud and try to make sense of what I was saying and feeling. He told me just because he was a phd it did not mean that he would prescribe a med. That not everyone needed them. He would meet me and make sure I was ready to start dealing with my emotions. That it was me looking for him. He did not seek me out. He made that clear.

There's no doubt, he is much more prepared for me than I am him. All he has obliged to is listen for merely an hour. I'm a dime a dozen. If I don't want to talk, someone else will. At this point I am a broken damn. It's been 21 months and I've been as strong as I am capalbe of. Someone a while back told me to "fake it till I make it". I tried. I can't do it. I'm repressed and ready to blow.

I type my thoughts here. But it comes from inside. No matter what I type, it's still inside of me. No matter, I cannot sleep. I cannot function. I don't know if what I am saying is helping or making it harder for anyone here to cope. Thinking for a moment that I might make it harder for another also makes me feel terrible.

I want to be honest, but it's hard to be honest without feeling selfish. If I've ever made anyone here upset in any way, I sincerely did not mean to.

Kris had cancer. I was told over and over that it would take her life in no time at all after the mets. It did. Very quickly. Everyone tried to "prepare me" . It was still the biggest shock of my life. She was a child. Children are not supposed to die. She did not want to die. I still remember all the nightmares she had about dying. I told her over and over it would be okay. We would beat it.

Most tell me it was the kindest thing I could ever do for her. Being strong for her. Giving her hope. Knowing there was none.

As far as I'm concerned, had her doctor given a crap from the get go, she'd still be here. Medical science and the american cancer society seem to feel the same way.

He didn't and she's not. I'm empty, drained and as lifeless as one can be without being dead. Until I learn to cope with what I feel, I am no use to myself or anyone else.

I'm working on the anger. I am working to be at least a part of who I used too be. I made a promise I could not keep to Kris. That's alot to live up to for me. She deserved so much better.

[Artina]

Chels1003,

Of course you are angry... I would be too. Of course you are having a hard time trusting... I would too. You did everything for Kris that I would have done. It's hard to see around corners that you have not approached yet- the Doctors were leading you and you trusted them, because they’re the ones with the map. Everyday we trust those who specialize in what they do, because they do it everyday and their schooled in it. You were doing the right thing. Yet, you are allowed to be angry about this... YOU HURT AND YOU MISS YOUR KRIS.

Story- my best friend's daughter was waking up with a headache for a couple of months, off and on. She took her to the Doctor (one we both trust and value) and through the process of ruling out the basic reasons for a headache they invested about a year and a half. Eventually, my best friend said, "I want her to have an MRI", and our Doctor said that was his next step too. They found she had a tumor and she was sent to Children's Hospital and it was removed. I share this story with you because it sounds like you both did the same thing... you went to the Doctor over and over. You both tried to do what they recommended. However, her daughter's tumor was not cancer and sadly your Kris's was. I know without a doubt, that my best friend did everything in her power to move the process along- her mother died of a brain tumor when she was 15, and she takes headaches very serious. Believe me when I tell you she was on top of it. But it still took the time that it did to rule out allergies, salt intake, and muscle spasms... And her head didn't hurt all the time. Confusing.... Any parent would be confused. She was also dealing with feelings of her own loss (her mother) and trying not to allow that experience to influence her reaction to her daughter's head aches. Hindsight says it would have been okay to over react. But, in the moment she was trusting the process and being strong.

I share this story with you because her experience was kind of the same, but the end result was different. However, one of the key variables for both of your situations is that you both moved through the process at about the same rate. You go to the doctor, you go home for a while, you go back to the doctor, you go home for a while... and before you know it, two years have past. Should you be MAD- YES, because you were doing everything right and it was totally out of your control. That's the scary part. Knowing that we did everything we could and it still didn't save our children. Making it difficult to invest love back into the world. It's easier to wear a cloak of anger, a shield from love and the possibilities of hurt. This is the hard part of grieving- feeling the hurt. Nobody wants to hurt. Your anger is understandable… but you don’t have to hang onto it to grieve your daughter. Maybe I am speaking out of turn, since I have not gone through what you are going through, but maybe you could send your anger out into the Universe and ask that it be surrounded in the “white light of Divine Protection and Divine Love” and thus release it from your Spirit. Once we acknowledge our anger and release it… we can put it on the shelf where we can see that we weren’t happy with that Doctor’s or the medical field, but we are ready to grieve without anger getting in the way. Again, I have not experienced what you are going through and I may be talking out of turn, but letting go of anger in that manner helped me a lot.

Also, I wanted to touch on you feeling bad about bringing those of us that post on Beyond Indigo down because of your post…. NEVER! We are here for each other. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Say what you need to say… vent, vent, and vent some more. I am willing to listen, learn and help in any way that I can. We care about you and want the best for you as you MOVE through this difficult stage of your grief.

Peace to you, Tina

[shrtnsassy316]

I do not know if I am exactly posting this in the appropriate forum, however it is regarding the loss of a child so it is at least a good place to start.

I have an 8yr old and a 10yr old. They lost a little brother (half-brother) last July. He was born with Downs Syndrome. If anyone is familar with this disorder, it comes with major health issues, on of the worst being heart problems. Jon had all of the concerns at one time. His Dr. told the family it looked like someone had put it through a meat grinder. 5 surgeries and 18months later, we lost Jon. (I say we because I was his God Mother and it hit me as much as if he was my own child). Everyone watched Jon pass a day at a time and it was very difficult. The good memories are few and far between.

My 10yr old seems to be handling things very well. However, my 8yr old is having a very difficult time. I understand that at his age, their grief goes in stages over extended periods of time and has a very wide range in which it manifests itself. He has the "magical thinking" in his dreams (demons from the pit of hell took Jon) (Mom and Jon were wrestling and mom hurt him and he died). He has had a dozen or more nightmares over the course of the last month. I have been lax admittedly in getting him in with a grief counciler, at the same time, his father showed no concerns about a need since "Paul isn't really old enough to understand it all". Due to the fragilness of Jon's health and the "bull in a china closet" personality that Paul is, he wasn't allowed; in my opinion to love Jon in a way that Paul loves people. He was restricted on showing his love, and the grief is so fresh still with his dad/stepmom that they "just don't really talk about it". I do the best I can on using language/examples that he understands (the physical person is like a birthday present....the outside is pretty paper and a box to hold what's really cool inside" and its the inside that still lives even when the pretty paper is gone. He seems to understand, but obviously at this point there is a concern. We have passed the one year anniversary and its like it is harder now than it was during that first year. ANY suggestions would be incredible and would help lot. Death and loss is hard at any age, but it is very hard figuring out how to help a young child through the loss where they really have few memories to look back on. Paul was also present when Jon actually passed so he has some very rough final memories of his brother. He fought pretty hard before he slippped away.

[Artina]

Shrtnsassy316,

I am sorry for your loss. When life changes in a minute- trust and our understanding of the world goes with it. Children have to struggle with this issues, because their understanding of life is age appropriate and what they do understand is usually built on trust. I would start with a grief councilor, especially if you can't reach him. This will be difficult, but well worth it. Please know we are here for you to offer our support.

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

Until I learn to cope with what I feel, I am no use to myself or anyone else.

`A quote from a previous post. I agree.

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

You are of help to people that you don't even know that you are helping. We all think that we have nothing to offer, because we all feel so "hopeless" at times. But I am here to tell you that each one of us brings something to the table that helps somebody else "out there"- even if it's a complaint or a sad memory... just knowing that somebody else feels those feelings can help someone.

Coping may be exactly what you are doing... Just do what you can, when you can, and eventually you will see the sunshine again.

Peace to you, Tina

[tinasdad]

Shrtnsassy316, for the needs of a child, you may be wise in finding a grief counselor who works only with children. They see the world as magical place, full of wonder. They think of death as a temporary thing, like when the dog plays dead for ten seconds, then runs off to chew the corner of the coffee table. They understand that when they misbehave, and Mommy says the toy is gone, it will be in their toybox in the morning. They can't comprehend eternity. If they are talking about this one child's death, it's a normal response, because children are very open. It may be upsetting to parents, but it's natural for children. Intervene if they speak of hurting themselves, or of their own death.

[chels1003]

Shrtnsassy316,

What you said about a persons outside layer being the "pretty paper" and the "inside living on" after the paper is gone is a great way of explaining life. I could relate to that for myself.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

I have an 8 year old and 10 year old as well who seem to be doing okay. I recently posted about my urgent need to seek help. Which I did and am glad for it. Because of that I asked my son, who is 10, if he still thinks about Kris and told him if he still has things that he needs to talk about, or still thinks about, that it's okay to talk about it. I told him I was seeing someone to help me and if that's what he wanted, we could do the same for him.

He didn't exactly break down, but he did mention a day or so later that he wants a memorial at school for Kris. It was something the school wanted to do in the beginning but he said no. He didn't want to see it. I think it was a great gesture for the school, but it was also still too soon for him, only just turned 9 one day before she left us. So I told them no. He wasn't ready to see something like that every day walking into the school.

If they are no longer willing to do a memorial now that he's asking for one, then we'll do something on our own.

I am also glad I was able to talk with the doctor. I too was wondering why everything feels like it's getting worse, out of control even with emotions for me. I spent a few weeks beforehand feeling like I was losing my mind. I agree with what he said. I don't remember his exact words, but in a jist, I had run out of people and things to worry about besides myself.

I'm not enlightened. I pretty much knew that I needed to deal with me too at some point.

So here I am trying to do just that.

Tina, Thank you for sharing about your friend. And you are not out of line talking about letting go of anger. To continue living a life of any sort, I will have to let it go. It will kill me if I don't. I feel so sick, so tired, so helpless, hurt and angry, in a a degree much stronger than it was nearly 3 years ago when Kris was diagnosed.

And if I thought for even a second, after reading Kristian's medical records, word for word, in black and white with my own eyes, that her doctors and I were "working together" I'd have no reason to be angry. It's so obvious and apparent that we were not. I intend to publish them when our lawsuit is over. There is no reason for another person to have to go through what she did. Catscans were frequently discussed amongst collegues far before she was diagnosed, without my being involved in those conversations, and they always decided against it....telling me the norm, what makes me rage inside like an overdue volcano, that she was "acting out" "looking for attention", making her failure to eat a "control issue".

It breaks my heart that Kris told me "it's no one's fault, no one knew this was going to happen". It did, and her doctor suspected a brain tumor months in advance and did nothing to help her. HIs last words one week before finally sending us for a catscan was "I don't think we are looking at a brain tumor here".

They never told me there was blood in her urine, she had diabetes inipidus, again ruled out as a "control issue". She could not eat, ruled out by all I've said, her brain tumor denied her the sensation of hunger...her muscles were a mess, she was completely blind for 3 full days on top of gradually losing her vision over a year. No one tried to help her but me.

I am FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's what took her life. When she was diagnosed she weighed 44lbs at nine years of age. Her 6 year old sister weighed 68 lbs around at the time of her diagnosis. Everytime I tried to point that out, the doctor told me I'd have to accept the fact that Kristian was petite. Her 8 year old brother weighed 98 lbs at the time.

I will be angry and upset until I get an apology for the arrogance and ignorance. Until then, I'll be livinig side by side with it. There are no exceptions.

Kristian deserved far better medical treatment and she was denied.

If I could not save her life, I want to be sure to make it less likely for someone else in the world die of a brain tumor that could have easily been treated. With proper concern and care. To ensure dignity in the struggle for life cancer robs everyone of to some degree. Survivor or not.

That's where I am at today.

[Artina]

Chels1003,

I totally understand. I think publishing your story is a GREAT idea- once the court case is done. It would be a perfect way to heal and to save somebody else from being put through what your family was put through. Already, your story has been shared with many of my friends- starting dialogue that will keep us from experiencing what your family experienced. The healing has started... Even with the pain that you are feeling right now- your story has started a positive reaction in the world. We honor Kris and we will share her story! I promise you that.

We are with you and pray that your case goes fast and Kris's story is HEARD!

Peace to you, Tina

[Taylors Dad]

hello all, it has been quite awhile since i read anything here, but i see nothing has changed, new people keep coming on day by day and it is so disheartening. i want to say how sorry i am for all the newly bereaved and for the rest also.

i don't think i have posted in almost a year when i was saying my son's angel date was coming up and i just couldn't believe it had been two whole years, well now it's three. aug. 4th was his date, and before i know it, it will be 10 years , then 20. time waits for no person.

i just heard about a 16 year old boy from a town just a little ways away from us that was killed in an auto accident yesterday and they had a very nice article in the local paper and his whole family said how he was just the nicest kid to be around, always trying to smooth over fights with his friends and family, just always wanted peace around him. just another one of gods angels sent down for a little while to spread gods love.

it always seems the same when you here stories about young children that pass early, its ALWAYS the "good" kid, the golden child, that leaves this world to soon (for us)

i have learned alot about the world we live in since my loss as i believe all of us have, and i have come to accept what has happened to me and my family(i say me not my son because nothing bad really happened to him, actually something really good happened to him)as one of lifes lessons, thats why we are here on earth, to experience the good and the bad.

i know i will see my "bud" again, and we will be reunited again like we have been so many times before.

so i guess i like the old saying, time flies when your having fun, so i keep making the most of my life left here on earth with my wife and kids and the rest of my loved ones because i know without a bit of doubt that "T" is watching me from heaven and he will be first in line to welcome me back "home" again.

god bless all

bill T's dad

[coltinsmom]

Hi Bill -

It was good to see your post. I feel as if I have been coming here so long. I hope "T"'s angel date was peaceful and that you felt your connection to him extra strong that day. Coltin's b-day was 7/31 and I had a very hard time this year. In some ways this year was almost harder than last - reality set in and there was no escaping it. I know he is with me but like you said we have to stay here while they can only wait for us to go home. My most sincere, heartfelt "sorry" to all the new bereaved parents. ((hugs))

Coltins mom 4 ever - Teri

[kirksdad]

Dear Parents,

I would like to give everyone an opportunity to have a special place that their child's memorial website could be viewed. I feel that having them in the posts is nice, but hard to find and having to cut and past is not always the best way to get people to view the sites. Therefore I am starting this new strand so that we can keep the sites in one place without clutter. I mention that I want them without clutter so I am going to have to make up some rules for the use of this strand. I will also be monitoring it daily and will have to edit it as I see fit if something other than what I ask for is posted. I do not want this strand to get into a posting strand, just a place where the websites along with some information is posted making it easier to have others view these sites.

The rules will be as follows.

1. Only the child's name, Dates, Parents or immediate family, along with the website will be allowed. I am putting in an example in the next post with Kirk's site listed. This is the only way I will allow them to be place in this strand.

2. I will reserve the right to edit out any information other than what I have asked for. If I feel it is unintentional I will first write to explain why I will need to edit it.

3. There will be no advertisements permitted.

4. Only one site can be posted with each child. If one wants to change it periodically they will need to write me to change it or they can go in and edit it if that is possible, but if more than one site is posted the top site will remain and the other site will be edited.

5. I am sorry to have to do it this way, but I really want to have our kid's sites shown with a minimal amount of information that does not relate to the sites.

The new strand Kid's Memorial Sites is now a new place to put our memorial sites.

Jim, Kirksdad

Kirk Matthew Balthazor

June 11, 1983 - August 5, 2000

Sone of Jim and Cindy, Brother to Teryn

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/229

[kirksdad]

Coltinsmom, I was just looking over the memorial sites and although I have been at Coltin's before, I saw his picture with his rabbits. Kirk had a bunny that he called Montana, after Joe Montana. He loved that rabbit and called him Montana because Kirk and Joe Montana shared the same birthday, June 11. Kirk took such good care of him, but he got a bad case of Lupus and died, Kirk was so heartbroken. Our daughter was taking ceramic classes at the time and made him a ceramic rabbit that looked just exactly like Montana. We cherish that ceramic, we even had a picture of Kirk holding his rabbit just like you have of Coltin. Seeing it brought back a lot of memories. Jim

[coltinsmom]

Hi Jim -

Thanks. I love that picture. I hope the memories were all positive. I think that picture shows who Coltin really is - so gentle and kind. I loved those bunnies. Behlana (the white and black bunny) passed away not long after that pic was taken. He was so devastated. We still have Cinnamon (the brown one) but she hasn't been kind and sweet anymore. She misses him too. Take care Jim

[kirksdad]

Coltinsmom, they were. We have a little statue of a rabbit on the base of Kirk's headstone. It is a source of really good memories.

[teagynsmum]

Hey all

Just thought I would post a little update about me. Life pretty much sucks, that is the only way to describe it. I HATE IT!!!!!

I know that this is my life now and I need to find a way to "deal" with it but I don't want to most days. I still have all the questions, why me?? Why teagyn?? Did I do enough?? I don't think these questions will ever go away. I play that night over and over and over in my head everyday. I just know I could have done something.

I miss her more than words can say, My heart hurts...it aches with a pain I am not capable of describing...so I fill up my days with as much as I can, but my mind is never far from Teagyn, her life, my purpose and all the what if's??? a

I feel so alone People around me have no idea what to say...what to do...what I need...I would love to tell them...but I don't know.

I am mostly alone...like I have some kind of disease...I feel that people look at me with pity in their eyes but there is nothing to say...nothing will make it better...nothing will change the outcome...nothing will dull the pain...nothing will "fix" this...and oh how I wish something could.

I think i am forcing myself to stay in denial I haven't told people at my work about Teagyn, i am having all kinds of dreams that she came back to life, that it was a big miracle she was still Teagyn with her seizures and hypnotia but she was here, i was so happy. i have dreamt this many times, i then dreamt that she had passed and that i kept her body and I was acting like she was alive and OK. I know that I am having these dreams because I want nothing more than for it to be true, for her to be here. I know that when I do eventually get out of denial it will hit me hard as hell, and I don't know how or if I will cope.

My denial is my survival right now, it is how I keep going. I have her urn in her room I talk to her, kiss her everyday I think she is still here. Every time I stay away from home I have panic attacks I feels as though I have left her behind. Grief is just so cruel, so unbelievable I never knew such pain exists.

Teagyns birthday is only a few weeks away 10/13 IM already having anxiety attacks thinking about it. I don't know what to do, how to celebrate, should I work? Should I stay home?? Will others remember her on her birthday this yr. and others??? I am so afraid that she will be forgotten. That no one but me will remember her. IM afraid that I am not doing enough to honor her, that I have in some way let her down. I talked of the Teagyn Chace Center and haven't done anything about it, nor have I gotten a license for the ZBSN support group. I know it takes time and money but have I done enough??? Did I do enough for her???

Man oh man I wish things were different. I do read all the posts and I post when I can. I hope you are all well.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

http://groups.msn.com/ZellwegerBabySupportNetwork/welcometozbsn.msnw

[Artina]

Nicola,

I hear what you are saying and feeling. It is so very hard. One second at a time.

Your dreams sound "real". I had a dream like that from my son. He didn't say anything, but my mind knew what was going on between us. I thought he had come back too, but he communicated that he wasn't coming back- without saying a word. It felt so real and all he did was smile. I woke up feeling like he was alive... and then realized that he wasn't. I believe it was a visit from him in my sleep. I believe he was trying to communicate that he was "alive" but in a different realm. He looked "happy". That's the first dream I have ever had like that in my life- it had to be a visit.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Nicola, it is hard to know people look at us and feel sorry for us, but, although I hate to say this, they should, at least they have some empathy for us.

As far as feeling like you have let Teagyn down, there is no way. Your love for her is all that you need to concentrate on right now. The Teagyn Chace Center will happen, you can do this when the time is right. Some will be able to do something right away, others have to figure it out in a different time. It took us 2 years to establish Kirk's scholarship. Don't feel bad about the time, it will happen you need to be in a different place emotionally when it does. You will get there we all get there, but there is no set time, it could happen immediately and it could happen many years down the line.

We can only do what our health and emotional state can handle at the time.

[willsmom]

Nicola:

You sound exactly like me and how I feel. I can relate to every word. Just a little advice on the panic attacks, if you do not get them seen about, i.e. doctor or shrink, you will have a FULL blown attack and end up in the ER. I had one so bad that my arms and legs folded up and inward, I could only talk out of the right side of my mouth; it was horrible. It was about two 1/2 weeks after my son died, and we had begun to find medical error with his care. Please take care of yourself and those attacks will lessen. I take meds. for them. I know how truly awful they are, they are your body's way of saying I can do NO more. I wish you peace and I will send only the kindest thoughts your way. WillsMom~~Allyson

[chels1003]

Nicola, Teagyn will never be forgotten.

I've also had similar dreams about my Kristian. Still here, with cancer, but here. And one phenominal dream soon after she left us. She was so beautiful and full of pure light and all she said was she loved me too.

Today is Kristian's birthday. She would have been 12. We didn't do much last year but cry. None of us could deal with it. Especially her brother. Today, her sister, brother and I did something very simple, yet very intimate, to say happy birthday.

I'd talked to most of my family today and no one mentioned a word. I'm not mad or upset. I don't even know what to say or feel so how can I expect them to.

I miss her so much. I would like to be able to see her. Be with her. Hold her and kiss her.

[Artina]

Chels1003,

I just wanted to note Kristian's Birthday yesturday. You have a good attitude about your family. I know that my family didn't mention anything in the first year. I made a stink about it and my mom and dad and my close friends now know it's what I want-for them to remember his Birthday. Sometimes I don't think they know what to do. I'm sure it's hard for them to know, without some direction from us- the parents.

I too want to hold my son, kiss my son, breathe his essence in and tell him how much I love him and miss him. As I tell you that my minds eye is doing exactly that.

A Birthday wish to Kristian folded into a prayer to your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[magisee]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I lost a son in 2004.

I know that I am new here and will probably sound like a broken record replying to this message board and its man different posting areas.

But recently I read an emotionally charged, extremely comprehensive grief book that has helped me so much in dealing with my loss.

A friend of mine recommended an author friend she knew. Her name is Katlyn Stewart, and she gave me her web address- http://understandinggrief.katlynstewart.com I went to the site and clicked on the grief book she had listed there- Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief. It took me to a publishers site where I bought the E-Book.

Anyway, I am getting long winded.

This book by Katlyn Stewart has helped me to understand so much of what I was feeling as a mother. Both emotionally and physically.

The author leaves no stone unturned.

I am so thrilled with this book, I wanted to post here in regard to it (and I dont post to messageboards)

If you have a chance, and can...check out the website. Maybe buy the book and see for yourself.

I will close in saying...

Here is to our healing of a loss greater than any loss I will ever know.

Maggie

[cayleesmom]

My name is Dawn, I lost my son during a miscarriage in 2001 and my 4 year old daughter Caylee to Leukemia just a little more than 24 hours after diagnosis March 8, 2005. This is her story....www.cayleeshope.com

and this is her....

http://www.youtube.com/?v=PPdh16XJz4E\

[Artina]

Cayleesmom,

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I lost my son, age 19, from an accident on a snowmobile. He too was my baby. It has been almost four years and a lot has changed for me. Grief is so very difficult, especially in the first couple of years. It does get better. I don't know how, but it does get better. I miss my son so much. I hurt, but I am able to reinvest back into life. I grieve while I live life- it's a different way of life for me.

Take one step at a time and be sure to do the basics- drink fluids, eat, sleep, talk and if you can muster it up; walk. Somehow and with some time, life slowly starts to begin again. You will never lose sight of your daughter. You will just learn a new way to do life. Be sure to put yourself first and don't let anybody tell you how or when your grief should be dealt with. Beyond Indigo parents are wonderful and I encourage you to share whatever you want. Be sure to take what information works for you and leave what doesn't. Grief is unique to each one of us and thus so is how we grieve.

Peace to you, Tina

[swede1]

For Everyone:

Found a few (more) cliches we all seem to suffer from receiving from those who don't understand, and thought I should start posting these when I find them...for your comfort, from others who understand.

http://www.griefworksbc.com/Cliches.asp

[sandym]

HELLO,This is my first time on here.

We lost our oldest son of a heart attack on June 30th, 2004. To this day I am a wreck, we are not suppose to bury our babies.

Rob was 31, tall, blonde, healthy we thought, a son, brother, husband, father and uncle.

[Artina]

Sandym,

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree, were not suppose to bury our children. I lost my 19 year old son almost four years ago. I miss him so much and have journeyed a long way. It has been the hardest journey I have ever been on. The road has become familiar, because I now I understand that there are mountains and hills in each day. The scenery in my life is, for the most part, the same, but the path is completely different. After almost four years I have found some hope, goals, happiness, and I do it all side by side with my grief.

Please know that Beyond Indigo parents are some of the most understanding people and we are all at different stages of our grief. We share tools that may or may not work for you, but use what does and throw out what doesn't. Please know that we care.

Peace to you, Tina

[teagynsmum]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!

I wonder what it is like to have a birthday in heaven...

I wonder if you will still be four or will you one day be eleven...

I wonder if you willl have a big birthday party with all your angel friends

I wonder if you will celebrate till the day ends...

I wonder if you will have cake...

I wonder if it will be like the ones mummy used to make....

I wonder if you will get lots and lots of gifts...

I wonder if you know how much you are really really missed..

I wonder if you will dance and sing..

I wonder if you will remember everything...

I wonder if you are happy and free..

I wonder if you look for me...

I wonder if you truly know how much I love you so...

I wonder if i tell you now, would you even know...

I wonder why your spirit's tent was damaged beyond repair...

I wonder how i will ever lern to deal with such dispair..

I wonder how my heart still beats without my baby girl...

I wonder why this happened, and why it had to end...

I wonder about so many things you never got to do...

I wonder how much more you could have possibly gone through..

I wonder how many wonders will cloud my mind today...

I wonder if you know i would have taken your place to take the pain away..

I wonder what it is like to have a birthday in heaven..

I wonder if you will still be four or will you one day be eleven.

Birthdays In Heaven

Are there birthdays in Heaven?

Does the angel blow his horn?

Announcing to everybody

That this is the day you were born?

Can the stars be your balloons

And angel food your cake?

Presents wrapped in moonbeams

All the angels helped to make.

Birthdays meant so much to you

They were always a big deal

Birthday presents, lots of friends

And perhaps a special meal.

So I'll whisper a little prayer today

Asking everyone up above

To sing you a Happy Birthday song

And give you all my love.

~ Author unknown

PLEASE VISIT TEAGYNS WEBSITE AND WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY AT

WWW.MYANGELTEAGYN.BRAVEHOST.COM

PLEASE ALSO VISIT

http://groups.msn.com/ZellwegerBabySupportNetwork

WE WILL CELEBRAT TEAGYNS BIRTHDAY AT MT TRASHMORE PARK IN VIRGINIA BEACH AT 630PM ON THURSDAY OCTOBER 13TH. WE WILL HAVE A BALLOON RELEASE CEREMONY.

I LOVE YOU TEAGYN!!! WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU

LOVE MUMMY

[Artina]

Teagynsmum,

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Teagyn and to let you know we are thinking about you. Peace be with you.

Tina

[msucasey]

Hello everyone its been well over a year since i have writen or even visited on this web site. well today marks 2 years of losing my 7 year old nephew.. i can't believe so you guys remember me i know some of you dont.. cause i dont know you but if you want to read my store go to my web site.. and go to the in memory page.

www.mhillsrabbitry.com

i show rabbits so that is my site for that but i made a web page just for him.

i am not done i just got it up and running a few days go..

October 23rd 2003 is when he died. very unexpectedly

well please go and view my site and email me and let me knowwhat you all think

Jennifer harris

marysville washington

Casey b's auntie.

mhillsrabbitry04@aol.com

[panamatropic2]

This is my first time ever wrighting on a message board. The loss that i'm wrighting about is not my own. My boyfriend lost his 4 year old son a while back, before we met. He feels that his son's death is entirely his fault, because he was separated from his wife ( at the time), and in a relationship with someone else. That someone else was taking his son to day care one morning and she got into a car accident. His son died and she walked and he's blamed himself since. My question is ..........is there any help for him? will he always blame himself or is this just part of the healing process?

[Artina]

Panmatrophic2,

I think blame is a parental response to loss. I blamed myself for allowing my 19 year old son to go snowmobiling. In reality- why would have I stopped him? I did go through this process for about a year and a half and then started to move forward. One of the tools that helped me through that blame is talking about it to myself and to the parents on this forum. We understand like nobody else could ever understand. Maybe you could print some of the pages on this forum and share them with him. Allow him to read them in his own space and time. Maybe he will find his way here to post and start talking about his loss.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Jim,

This forum shows up on my computer very large and some of the postings are out of view. Is this my computer, or is it showing up like that on everybody elses' computer too? Just wondering.

Tina

[kirksdad]

Tina, I know, I have written Kelly, but she thinks there is a post somewhere that was posted that way and changed them all. I don't understand the workings of how the technology changes it, but I am not sure if there is anything that can be done, but I am glad to find out I am not the only one who that bugs. Will keep looking, but doubtful if I ever figure it out. Jim

[Artina]

Jim,

Not a problem... I was just wondering if we could make it easier somehow.

Peace to you, Tina

[missusarah]

Tomorrow, the 11th, will be 3 years since I lost my little Sarah Jo,it is still so hard, my husband mentioned yesterday how she had been on his mind moreso these past few days, and I told him its because her anniversary is here and we start to relive things all over again, not a day, has gone by in these 3 years that we don't miss our little girl, we are always remembering the things she said how she would say them with her lisp, how she was, how many compliments we used to get about her, and its so hard to accept all that we've missed out on since then. When I see other little girls, it just breaks my heart, she would have been in school now and I'm missing out on that. A friend of mines little boy is having trouble with math, and it just crossed my mind how I won't ever help her with homework, and there are so many things we take for granted that I won't get to do with her, time has helped, but just to cope with the pain and go on, I wanted to post today, just so I could say that she is missed very much and loved even more.

[Artina]

Missusarah,

Please know that we will be thinking about your family tomorrow as you approach Sarah's angel day. You are so right; as the day approaches we find ourselves reliving the events that lead up to the worst day of our lives. Your baby girl is in my prayers tonight and so is your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[monkey]

Anyone out there who has lost a baby boy just over one years old, and I've also lost another three years ago a boy who was 9 months old. Surviving I have a girl who's 7 years old. The last three years have been awfull, and lately I've been so stressed out because of Christmas and my son who just passed away 7 months ago his birthday is on the 24th, and my daughter's is on the 25 nov. Some days I guess I just don't know how to go on what is the step to take. Any one relating to me or can give me advice on how to get through this. Or just to talk would be nice.

[haileysmom7]

I lost my 7-year-old daughter October 15, 2003, very suddenly. She did not suffer a violent death, in the strictest sense of the phrase, but she did not die peacefully. She woke that Tuesday with a sore throat; a horrible sounding sore throat the likes of which I have never heard. I was very concerned, and told her that she should stay home with me from school that day, but she was very persistent - she had a field trip with her class that she had been waiting on for over a month. I told her that she could go then, and bundled her into as much clothing as her body could tolerate.

When I picked her up from school that day, she had a fever. I was driving to the store to get some children's Advil, and asking her if her head hurt, her tummy, her throat, her anything...she just shook her head. She had no pain at all, yet was nearly unable to talk. I was very worried, but as I have had 3 children, I just figured that this was another form of childhood cold, and she would be okay. I asked if she would like to go to the doctor for help or if she wanted to go home. She said home, so we went. I gave her some Advil and she slept straight through until about 10:00 that night. When she got up, she was looking better and feeling better and was hungry, so while I was working (I work at home) my boyfriend made her some soup. She wanted to stay up all night watching movies, and of course I told her no, she wasn't feeling well, she needed to go back to bed. If I had only known what the next day would bring, I would have taken the night off, held her, told her I love her millions of times, and let her watch any movies that she wanted.

The next day, I got up and she was lying on the couch, apparently having got out of bed earlier, and I said, "Hi, baby" and went into the kitchen. But as I approached the kitching, my mother's intuition kicked in telling me that something was not right, so I turned around, went back into the livingroom, and knelt down in front of her. I asked her if she was okay, and she nodded, but her breathing was off and she was not speaking. I woke my boyfriend, and told him that I was going to bathe her and take her to the ER. I put her in a bath with some Johnson's Vapor Bath, thinking that her trouble breathing was from some sort of chest cold. However, just after I rinsed her hair, she started having such trouble breathing that she panicked. I immediately told my boyfriend to dial 911 and I let the water out of the bath, pulled her out, and pulled her head to my chest and told her to calm down, hoping that keeping her still would calm her and keep her from hurting herself. She could not catch her breath, and my boyfriend stood in the doorway of the bathroom. I ripped the phone from his hands just as my daughter passed out from lack of oxygen. She was only breathing once every 30 seconds or so, but they would not allow me to give her CPR if she was breathing at all on her own. Eventually, the paramedics got there, just as she took her last voluntary breath.

They intubated her, and gave her atropine and epinephrine in an effort to kick start her heart, as she was not breathing and had no pulse. Finally, they loaded her into the ambulance, and I got into my car and followed them to the hospital. When I got into the hospital, they had her in trauma room I, but I was not allowed in yet, as they had yet to revive her. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to let her come back to me. Finally, a physician came out and told me that she had been brought back, but was on a ventilator. When I saw her, she was unconscious. I asked if she was sedated, and they told me no, so I knew something was horribly wrong.

Basically, whatever happened to her caused HUGE trauma to her little 7-year-old body. She was without oxygen or pulse for over 30 minutes; the fact that they got her back at all was a miracle. Within the first hour that she had been revived, her brain began to swell and she developed bilateral pneumonia. Through the day, they spoke to me about transferring her to Sacred Heart in Spokane, Washington, because they have a first-rate pediatric intensive care unit. They said they would do this when she was as stable as they could get her. They asked me if I would like to go with her. I said yes. They told me, however, that if I flew with her, they would allow it, but if I was to go, being that they had to take all sorts of equipment and the ventilator and such with her, that the physician on board to take care of her in case of emergencies would have to be strapped in and unable to help her in the event of a problem. So, I said that I would drive; it was only about 2 1/2 to 3 hours away. I kissed her in the ICU, and the one thing I remember from the ICU is that standing next to her, both of her eyes opened. The right eye, farthest from me, was completely unfocused and dilated hugely. But her left eye was completely focused, and she turned her head toward me. I said hello and that I love her, but I believe that this was her goodbye to me.

You see, I watched them load her into the ambulance, and my boyfriend and I drove home to collect my things and some of her things, but as soon as we walked in the door, the phone rang. It was the hospital. Before the ambulance even made it to the first stoplight, my daughter had gone into cardiac arrest and they had to take her back to the emergency room. They were doing CPR on her right then and I needed to immediately get back to the hospital.

I climbed back into the car immediately with my boyfriend and his sister, and we headed back. The whole way there I was praying that God please not take my little girl; she was my best friend. She saved my life, this child. I had her when I was 16, and if I had not, I very likely would have died from drug use or AIDS or some such thing, as until her, I did not care very much about myself. Our lives went through my head like slides on a projector. Even then, I did not think for a second that she would leave me.

When I got back into the emergency room, I was led immediately to the trauma I room that she was in earlier in the day. They had people taking turns doing compressions and the like, and in between compressions, they were suctioning blood from her lungs. Finally, after nearly 30 minutes of CPR and no electrical activity from my child, the pediatrician told me that he needed my permission to allow them to cease CPR. TO CEASE HELPING MY CHILD. I had no choice; I gave my permission and told them all to get the hell out...just take the tubes and such off of her and get out. I held my baby, my firstborn, my life's savior, and would not allow myself to think about the fact that I would never again laugh with her, she would never again get into trouble.

I went through the next days in a haze. I made the funeral arrangements because it was the last thing on this earth that I would be able to do for my oldest daughter, and I wanted to make sure it was done right. I am scared that I will start to forget, but it has been 2 years so far, and I have forgotten nothing yet. I am not angry with God; my daughter was the type of child who wanted everyone else to be happy - that is what made her happy. She radiated love and happiness all around her. If I needed her more than God needed her, she would have stayed with me without question.

I brought her into this world telling her that I loved her, and the last thing that she heard on her way out of this world was me telling her that I loved her. I should never have had to bury my child - no one should - but at least she knew I was there with her on her way into and out of this world. I will see her again one day...but it will never be soon enough.

[kirksdad]

Haileysmom7, your story really moved me. I am so very sorry you have to be here posting, the death of a child is hard to comprehend, let alone ever understand. Hailey sounds like a wonderful little girl with a lot of strength and love for life. How we ever go throught this and survive baffles me daily, but we do. This is a great place to talk and let our feelings out. We understand the pain the death of a child can cause. They are our life, a part of us, each with their own personality and way to love. It is hard. Jim

[Artina]

Monkey,

I lost my 19 year old son about four years ago. My story is not like yours, but I do know that losing a child is one of the most difficult losses one can experience. Beyond Indigo is a great place to connect with parents who understand what you are going through. The holidays are so difficult for all of us.... we have to be sure to take those little steps- eat, sleep, drink fluids, talk to supporting friends, and to be sure and set boundaries that support our grieving process.

Peace to you, Tina