Loss of a Young Child

[ashleysmom]

Christy, May you have peace today on a very difficult, overwhelming day. My candle is lit. Peace to you, Dottie

[mamabets]

For Kagansmommy~ How awesome that the little frog found it's way to you, bringing you flowers!!!!! A "Rainbow Connection" there will always be, in the world according to Kagan, Danny and Kermit...With love to you today and always!!!

[ladyhitchhiker]

I feel panic as the two year mark nears. Maybe I'll be okay, but part of me feels like I'm fraying at the edges. One of the dear ladies here believes that I'm bottling up my emotions too much so here I am writing once again. Might become a regular author here, who knows? But I feel almost a panic.. Yeah panic would be the right word about how I'm going to deal with the holiday, how Wally's going to deal with the holiday. I remember when she died. I remember that night I closed and I was obsessed with this song, "Fall to Pieces" I think it's called by Velvet Revolver, and I had it stuck in my head, and I was singing it all night, and it was the last song I heard as we pulled up to the hospital where she died.

Still the lyrics stick with me: "Every time I'm falling down / all alone I fall to pieces. / And will I find you? / And will I find you? / I'm falling down / I'm falling!"

And that's exactly how I feel. I'm FINE until I'm alone. I suppose I must take away this feeling from myself that I am alone. Now how am I supposed to do that?

[charliesmummy]

Hi shirley,Its nearly 2 years for me.I wouldnt say I was lucky but Im very grateful charlie died in my arms with all of us around her,cos I dont know what id do if I hadnt been with her as she was still little, 2 and half years.I picture charlie when she was lifeless,I try to get it out and think of her as she was a beautiful happy girl but Im finding it hard. maybe I need to find someone to talk to on here as I feel very lonely anyone want to email me on chloe.murad@btinternet.com i would love to hear from u x

[Guest Guest]

My name is Jennifer. I lost my four month old baby boy, Jacob Bailey, on October 3, 2005. That day was a tragic event in my life. My son had a genetic disorder and we knew he would die before he was a year old. Knowing he was going to die did not make it any easier. It actually made it harder, not knowing when it would actually happen. I cherish every moment I was able to spend with him, holding him in my arms, singing to him and speaking precious words to him. He died in my arms at home with hospice care. I think taking him home from the hospital was the best thing I could have done for him. He wasn't hooked up to all the equipment and I think that made things more peaceful for him and myself. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Somehow every thought I have about anything ends up turning in to a thought about him. I recently just lost my granmother as well and knowing that she is in HEAVEN with him makes things a little easier for me. I know he is not alone and is being very well looked after. Sometimes I just sit and cry, holding his blanket in my arms, asking GOD "Why!?". Why did this little baby need to be taken from me? Since my son has passed away I have gone back to school to become a Neo-Natal Intensive Care (NICU) Nurse. I think that my son's life was given to me so that I would find a path for myself. I will now be able to share my story with other families that are going through the same thing I have had to endure. My son is my blessing and saved my life. I will always love and remember him. somedays are harder than others but, somehow, I get through them. I just wanted to give someone else a little piece of hope that life is given to you to use as you will. Don't ever take anything for granted and cherish every moment and every memory as if it were your last. My son Jacob has meant the world to me and will be in my heart forever.

Jacob Bailey, mommy loves you always and needs your strength to push me forward. I will keep your life a constant reminder of how precious life really is. love, mommy

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

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Kelly

[lilly511]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little boy, Jacob. I side with a little bit of what you mentioned....about how your grandmother is caring for him now. We lost Lilly in November, and although for us the pain is still horrible, we knew that Lilly had her Grandma, Grandpa, and Papaw to watch her and care for her in heaven. Although your pain is great and you wish that your child did not have to go through the experience of death, it does ease you to know they are taken care of in heaven.

Made me feel good to see you are taking classes to be in the NICU. What an excellent and noble undertaking you have done in response to losing Jacob. I wish you the best in that endeavor and I'm sure you have everyone's support from this message board.

John

[jacobsmommy]

John

Thank you for your support in the loss of my son Jacob. It has been really hard. School seems to be a great outlet in helping me with my grief. I look forward to having communication with other families who have gone through what i have gone through. I think this website is an amazing tool for helping in the grieving process.

Jacobs mommy

[txlouise]

Hi,I am a member here and just open up a new message board for parents that have lost children or young adults.It is a wonderful board.all the parents are so close .we laugh and cry and talk about our beautiful children.You have to apply to join,but it is easy to do and you will get right in after you apply.It has given me and a lot of mom's and dad's comfort and hope.Please come visit.Thank you,Louise

http://mychildlossgrief.com/simplemachinesforum/index.php

[lilly511]

We had a dog named Jackson. Jax was around for 6 good years. We lost him to the highway two weeks after we lost our little Lilly.

Layla was sitting on our bed today with her dog, Daisy. When my wife sat down beside them, Layla said,"I'm going to teach Daisy how to roll over like Jackson." To which she said, "Honey, I don't think Daisy is as smart as Jackson was." And she ever so smartly replied, "Well, Jackson is up in Heaven. And all I have to do to talk to him is pray. So, I'll ask Jackson to teach her to roll over so that she can be as smart as he is." And so she looked up, closed her eyes, and said, "Jackson, will you teach Daisy how to roll over like you so that she can be smart like you? And make sure to give Lilly kisses because they make her laugh...good boy...Amen."

From a 4-year-old........wow. Sometimes kids can be the best source of strength. Hope all are getting by as well as possible, and my thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of us.

John

[Guest Guest]

Hi i am new to this site, i have just recently lost my beautiful daughter Molly aged 10 and half months to croup, she was always very healthy but she died on sunday moning 3rd december 2006. The doctor said she would be fine but she got quite poorly on the saturday. I have 2young boys 8 and 6 they have been my tower of strength . My husband and i have become closer than ever but he rarely talks about Molly, sometimes i feel so alone and when i do talk to people i feel i am being a burden. It would be lovely to talk to people who understand this nightmare that we are going through. Sometimes i feel so low and i know i should,nt because i have got my 2 boys to love so much, but its only been 12 weeks since we lost her and i feel people seem to think i should be pulling myself together and i cant right now. i miss her so much the pain is unbeliveable so please anyone get in touch just to talk thankyou. Mollys mam eileen

[haileysmom7]

I sure hope that you have gotten past the guilt, Jay. I really do...you have nothing to feel guilty over. There are so many things I would have done differently, too, but we can\'t change that, and Hailey loved us both, despite our flaws. You and I are the only people on earth who know just how special she was. Life will never be the same for either of us. The only thing we can do is take comfort from the children we have here with us, and understand that we are fortunate in the fact that we have no cause to fear death; once we die, we have something so special to look forward to, the reunion of us with our daughter, and we will have someone to help us learn the ropes of Heaven. I have many things I need to do to ensure that I go to Heaven; boy, DO I. I have not lived my life like I should, and I am ashamed of myself quite a bit about most of it, a lot of it concerning our life together. You have no worries, though, hon. You are a good man, a good father, and a good husband. When you get to Hailey, she\'ll tell you so, too.

[lydiasmommy2002]

I haven't posted on here in a long time. I guess it's because I have so many other things going on. I do this because I really don't want to dwell on the past. I was doing fine until I realized that's March 1st. My little girl will be gone for 1 year tomorrow. I don't know how I made it this long. I seem to be doing better but with tomorrow being what it is, I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is going to be hard and I'm not so sure I know what to do. If anybody whose been through the one year mark has any reccomendations I would greatly appreciate the input because I don't know what to do. I will also say that this sight has helped me so much. I know I don't post on here near as often as I should but just reading the posts and knowing that I'm not going crazy helps more than anybody knows. Thank you so much.

[Guest Guest]

It is nice to see that we are not alone. I lost my Ryan in October of this year. It was very sudden. His Grandma placed him down for his nap and he never woke up. The guilt is terrible, I had left him there to go to work has he had a cold. We had seen the doctor two hours before he passed. He was two months away from his third birthday. He left behind a twin brother who doesn't seem to understand that he is never coming home. Sometimes I see his brother and for just a moment I think it is him, sometimes it feels like i may be losing my mind. Maybe the hardest part is feeling like you are suppost to just get over it, I don't think people really want to share in your grief. Life feels like it is just getting harder and I am waiting for the day to come where things feel not so bad and maybe there is some hope for a happy life. I hope all us find some happiness, god knows we deserve it.

[ladyhitchhiker]

So instead of dealing with grief at the two year mark, the 13th of February there was a fire at our apartment complex which took out the apartment below us. We were home. My husband was the one who woke me and myself and the two furry babies escaped. They said if we'd waited 5-10 more minutes the fire would have crawled up the wall to the roof and it would have collapsed in on us. Guess she doesn't want us to grieve that much right now.

[ladyhitchhiker]

But on a positive note, I've always felt guilt that it was my fault for losing her, because I thought by acknowledging how happy I was it was the invitation for the loss of her, and a friend of mine told me: "What if you'd never taken the time to recognize how much she made you happy? Wouldn't that be even worse?" That made ME feel better.

[ryansmommy]

Today is a better day. Driving home from work I had this memory of him, at home and happy, having a bath with his brother. So I guess your right that we need to regonize how much happiness he gave us. My sister-in-law gave us some photos of him taken the day before he left us, he was at a birthday party. I had forgotten how happy he was all the time. He just seemed to find joy in everything.

It has been almost five months since that day and we still do not know why he died. Does anyone know if this time frame is normal? How long do these things usually take?

[shirleybjsmom]

To Ryansmommy, i'm so very sorry for the loss your son. it's a very hard task to deal with on a daily bases, but have faith in God and Jesus to sustain you through these rough times. You will never get over the death of your son but with each new day the pain will soften a little. I guess i should tell you that i am a mom that goes on loss of a teenager. on oct.28th 2005 we were put into a turmoil when we found out that our son bj was in a auto accident and didn't survive his injuries. maybe with your posting, John, lilly's dad can help you a little.

take care and my thoughts are with you.

Shirley

[buddhasmom]

My 2 yr old son Donovan passed away on March 1st. he drowned in a pool. My husband was the one who pulled him out. They had been vacationing together in another state when this happened. I had to drive all night long to get there. My baby held on, on life support, until I got there to say goodbye. It seems like each day is getting harder. My moments are happening more often. My relationship with my husband is almost nonexistant. He cant help but blame himself for the accident. And i just dont know how exactly to be there for my 5 yr old daughter. She is on auto-go. If she slows down, the memories crash in, and she cant handle it, so she just goes until she drops. Me? Im home, alone. Even when my husband is here, im alone. Everything in my house glows with my sons touch. Its hard to walk through the kitchen and know that he'll never open the fridge again, looking for juice. Its hard looking at the tv, still smudged with his handprints. I dont know why im here, writing this, except that I dont really have an outlet here at home.

[ryansmommy]

I am sorry to hear about your son. I will offer some advise that a grief counsellor gave to me a few months ago, be nice to yourself and take it slow. At the time I didn't understand but I think I do now. I try not to think about the future so much and try to think about getting through today. The thought of a life without him is unbearable. The other thing she recommended for my other son is a book called "whats heaven" by Maria Shriver, it said the words that I couldn't find to comfort my other son. How does one explain to a child the things we ourselves don't understand. I don't believe there will ever come a day that I will be okay with him being gone but from reading other peoples stories I think we find a way to survive.

[buddhasmom]

I used to spend all my time chasing my son, wishing i had more time, wishing I could get things done. Wishing he could go away for awhile so I could have a break. Now, all I want is to see him getting into things, to chase him, to have something to do. im so lonely and bored. All i have is time now. All i have is space now. I hate myself for wishing he was gone, because now he is. My heart is empty. And my head is so full of all the things I wish I had done differently. All the differnt ways I can blame myself. And i just dont know what im doing anymore. Im not sleeping, im zombie-walking through my days, im shut off from wverything that used to mean anything to me. Im lost.

[ryansmommy]

I am so tired of everyone acting like nothing has happened. I am so tired of being told that this was fate, how do they know. I am so tired of feeling like I need to act like everything is fine. Nothing is fine. My baby is gone. I will have to spend the rest of my life missing him, wishing it could be different. Sometimes my husband will see i have been crying and ask why. why do i have to explain. why do i have to act like we are "strong" enough to move forward. do we have a choice? god did not ask my permission first, he never asked if i would like to go with him. he never gave us another choice. it takes everything in me to get out of bed and get though the day. isn't that enough. i wish everyone would stop expecting more.

[ladyhitchhiker]

It feels Ryansmommy as if you talked directly out of my soul.

I fake it all the time that I'm okay. I feel like I'm supposed to, because my litle girl wouldn't want me to be sad.. but there are times it's just too hard to pretend everything IS okay.. And I've come to feel that this is normal. We can't pretend everything's okay all the time. In a way, that's what makes us human.

[ladyhitchhiker]

Some guy at work who barely knows me told me that I have a "straight smile". He went on to explain that a straight smile is a smile with nothing behind it. I scoffed at him and told him: "With all that I've been through, you're lucky I even come into work and TRY to smile." And he thought I was joking.

[lilly511]

Hello everyone,

It seems as although life goes on, sometimes you have to stop yourself and remember exactly what life has contained for you. I don't get up to see Lilly's grave much, and it is not because I don't have time. I have plenty of it, but just have a hard time going up there. I've been getting on with life...teaching, writing, everything. I went to a funeral again today, this time it was for one of my choir students who drowned in a car accident. And now here I am, back on the board after a month. Upon reading the posts since my last post, it is a harsh reminder that grief is constant. Pain is constant, along with the search for relief for that pain. Is this good, or is this bad? Too many answers.

In response to some others here. Ryansmommy, our situations seem to be somewhat similar. Lilly was 18 months old and died in November of 06. She died on a Monday morning in her crib, due to an accident I will choose not to reveal. It has now been just over 4 months, and things have......gone on. Now, don't take my or anyone's experiences as verbatim, I'm just sharing. That was one of the biggest things my wife and I had.....people saying "I know what you're going through." Rubbish. Nobody knows and nobody will know. So, I will say what I say to anybody going through a loss......I won't tell you I know what you're going through, because I don't. Back to things. The last 4 months have simply been just a numbing trip through life. I keep busy with my job and my other daughter. I laugh, I cry, and I have my emotions. But for 90% of my life, I am just walking through it. Will that change? Probably. 3 months ago, it was 99% of my life. Right now, I figure I've been through enough crap in life that I accept that time will figure out when I am 'better' or not. If it never happens, then oh well. Really, should anyone be expected to emotionally live their life the same after they lose a child? Even if its say......50 years later? Ridiculous.

Buddhasmom, I hear you about the fingerprints on the TV. When we moved into our new house before Lillian died, our TV broke down. We didn't have anywhere to move it, so it sat there. After Lilly died, we were able to afford a new TV. The old TV is now sitting in the other room.....untouched with fingerprints and all.

The best thing that I have done since Lilly died was a charitable contribution. My music program held a concert raising money for Cancer Research. It's not what Lilly died from, but her grandma and grandpa did. We raised $1000. It felt good.

Keep checking back on the board. It really does help.

John

[ladyhitchhiker]

I'm working on making a book about my animal rescues and my grief... I don't know if I'll ever able to make it into a cohesive easy-to-read project.. but I have Taffy's help to try... But I must share what's been on my emotional mind.

"I make no apologies anymore for my emotions.

They ebb and flow just like the oceans.

I try not to simply go through the motions.

The grief it comes in like waves

To see her again of this I crave

To emotions I wish not to be a slave...

It's hard to swallow

feeling hollow

still wanting that little one to follow.

Do you still love me now that you're gone?

I think of you every sunset, every dawn.

I think of you in every song." -- Liz Black

-----------------------------------------------------

Below I've changed James Blunt's song a little bit, and it truly is the way I feel somedays... Like I said.. it comes in waves.

-----------------------------------------------------

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

I didn't see the end before we'd begun,

Yes I was blinded with love and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your head and held your hand

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my daughter.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd been the mother you'd been the child.

I'd wished to spend my lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my daughter.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my daughter.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

-----------------------------------

And a poem untitled that I wrote last night:

"Nobody knows how mad I am.

I know I hide it well.

I stil believe in Heaven

and I don't believe in Hell

but it's hard

to believe

when the cards

you're dealt don't seem worth anything.

I'm not impressed

by this whole affair.

I'm quite depressed

but I still care.

Pile a few more things on my plate

so you can see how full I can get.

I may not feel great

but I hope to yet.

I may be raging

quietly

but I'm still surely

rioting.

I still can't bring

myself to be mad at HER for leaving

but the songs I sing

still speak of my grieving.

I grieve

my loss of her.

I grieve for me

lost without her.

I grieve for me

never whole again.

I grieve for me

never able to hold her again.

Past the time the world

grows cold

I will hold

her in my soul." -- Liz Black

[ryansmommy]

it has been such a hard week. maybe its just easter is coming and josh is so excited. ryan never had a chance to be excited over a holiday. i miss him. my husband would like another child. i worry that he somehow thinks this will fill the hole in our lives, or that he thinks a baby will make me happy. i am so confused. i would like josh to have a sibling but i am scared. i know there are no promises. when he had the boys it was so hard. they were early, both weighing in together at under 4lbs. we spend months in hospital before they both came home and then stuggled with numerous health issues and surgeries(none were life threatening). i feel so angry to think that after everything we went through we still lost him. i am afraid that if i has been a better mother he would not have died. how many two years just die with no apparent reason. i see josh playing by himself and he seems so lonely and i just want to fix this, i want my family back.

[buddhasmom]

Ryansmommy....I see the same thing in my daughter. She is so lonely now. As much as she thought she hated her brother, he was her best friend. Its all she can do to make it til bedtime sometimes. Her life used to be so full.

I am the one that wants another child. Ive wanted another one since my son turned 2. I hadnt discussed it with my husband because I wanted to be sure thats what I wanted. I had finally made the decision to talk to him about it, when my son died. Now, everyone thinks i just want a baby to replace my son. They dont understand that I now have 2 holes inside me. And that having another child may help me fill one of those holes. Donovans hole will always be there, always be just the love i have for him. Nothing else will ever fit in that spot again. I also want to have this other child sooner rather than later, because i dont want to end up with 2 only children. My daughter is 5 already. If i wait 5 years, she'll be in a whole new stage of her life, and wont be able to have the same relationship with a new sibling as she would have now. My problem is that after my son was born, I had my tubes tied. So the waiting is something i may not have any choice in.

[ryansmommy]

buddhasmom, i understand the not wanting to wait. my boys were bestfriends. they really did like each other. my husband had a vesectomy in June and had it reversed in Jan., the doctor told him if we plan on having another this June would be the best time. Maybe i just feel rushed now. My sister asked if maybe the hesitation was because i felt like i was betraying Ryan, i think she may be right. we did not plan on anymore children, i felt we had the perfect family, we had so many plans. i am afraid that i do not have enough left in me for another child, i wouldn't be a good mom anymore

[buddhasmom]

Dont feel like you dont have enough. I felt that before my son was born. And after he was, I realized I would always have enough. Maybe, another child would help by giving you happy moments, memories. Not to forget Ryan, never to forget him. Just to add more to your life. You feel so empty right now. You will always have an empty spot, reseerved for him. We never planned on more children either, until I realized I had a hole inside me. Now, I may never have that hole filled either, cause my husband is against the idea. I know time will tell. Maybe thats what you need too, more time. Dont rush into this. Its a big step, whether youve had any children, or whether youve lost a child. Make sure youre ready. And dont overthink it. Dont relate it to losing your son. If you do, then you'll always compare them. Think about whether you want another child. And take your time.

[ryansmommy]

on monday it will be six months. it has been a hard year. three weeks before i lost ryan, i watched my step father pass after a long battle with cancer. two weeks before ryan died my father was diagnosed with leukemia. sometimes i feel so desperate and angry and i don't know what to do with myself. some days feel harder now then before. maybe i have just had time to miss him.

buddhas mom, i read your message a few days ago, it was a really nice thing to say. i guess that another child to me was a direct relation to losing ryan. it never occured to me to think otherwise. thank you.

[Guest Guest]

I came across this site because I've been having trouble sleeping. My wife and I lost our daughter, Samantha on April 6th, 10 days ago. She was a beautiful, vibrant and healthy 6 year old who died very suddenly. The preliminary autopsy finding was that she died of myocarditis, an infection of the heart muscle. I've cried every day since and the grief over losing my daughter is immense. Although my wife and I have been able to cope together, I feel alone, as if I am the only person that understands the loss. Samantha was daddy's little girl. She'll always have that special place in my heart that no living person will ever touch. I can't look at her pictures without my eyes tearing up, even to think of her last days brings an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I wake up in the mornings, half expecting to hear my angels voice or the sound of her footsteps playing below. I know that you've all experienced this very personal event in your lives and you've dealt with it in your own ways. I appreciate being able to put into words how I feel and having someone read it thinking, "yeah this is how I felt" because I've read your posts and I've cried more tears knowing only what a grieving parent knows. Thank you.

[ryansmommy]

it occured to me yesterday that i have an easier time writing on this message board then anything else. i guess we all sort of feel that way. i was driving with my husband and i knew it was that day, that time, six months ago that he left us and i could not bring myself to say anything. maybe i was afraid my husband would not respond the way i wanted, or maybe i was afraid to hurt him. i don't think he has trouble with the dates the way i do.

i will say there is something good about getting past those days, that maybe once it is past i am closer to finding my way through this. i read in a book that after you "walk through your grief" you are a different person, i think that is true. my values have changed. my family is more important then the car i drive or the house i live in. it makes me sad that i could not see this before, maybe i would have made more of an effort with spending quality time with my boys, maybe i would have more good memories. if only we could rewind things and do it all over again, savor every moment.

[buddhasmom]

I feel the same way. Things that used to matter so much no longer do. I want so much to be a better person. I want my relationships with people to be better in all ways. I look back on my son's life, and think, I wasted so much of it, I never appreciated him for who he was, I was always so worried about what he was getting into. I dont want to look back on any other relationships, and feel like they've been wasted. My priorities are so different now. I still want so badly to be in the middle of a bad soap opera. I want to wake up in the hospital with a concussion, and look into my son's eyes, and realize it was all a dream. Some days I get by only by pretending it is a dream. My husband and I start counseling this week. My daughter starts next week. I hope so badly this works, and helps us begin to repair our family, adn each one of us. Samantha's dad, your grief is very raw right now. It does get better, day by day. Its always there, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the wishes for it to be different. But after a month, or 2, you'll realize you can have a good day every so often. Im told that in a year or so, it'll be more than a couple days. Im crossing my fingers for it. And im grieving with you. Im grieving with every one of you that has lost a child, just as I grieve for myself.

[Guest Guest]

Hi My wife & I lost A son 16 yrs ago at the age of 4 David was killed in a truck bycycle accident, David was only 4 minutes older than his twin brother Clifford, even after all these years,the pain is still with us everyday when this happened to our family it was like we were the only ones it had evered happened to but as the years go by We have had several co-workers that have had to suffer the traggic lose of a young child by a unfortunate accident.

Im begginning to realize that there are alot of parents out there having to deal with this pain. and you just only know what it is if you have lived it Im just kinda rambling but I bet you understand what the feeling is and Im sorry you have to go through this kinda suffering. Please help someone when your strong enough.

[Guest Guest]

Hi My wife & I lost A son 16 yrs ago at the age of 4 David was killed in a truck bycycle accident, David was only 4 minutes older than his twin brother Clifford, even after all these years,the pain is still with us everyday when this happened to our family it was like we were the only ones it had evered happened to but as the years go by We have had several co-workers that have had to suffer the traggic lose of a young child by a unfortunate accident.

Im begginning to realize that there are alot of parents out there having to deal with this pain. and you just only know what it is if you have lived it Im just kinda rambling but I bet you understand what the feeling is and Im sorry you have to go through this kinda suffering. Please help someone when your strong enough.

[TylersMama]

It's been a long while since I have been on here. Our 3 year old son was killed almost 7 years ago on July 11, 2000 by a farm tractor driven by my father...... Monday April 23rd, Tyler would have been turning 10 years old, but we just get to send him balloons. And yes I agree with the last Guest, the pain is with you every day no matter how long it's been. Things still carry on in your life ( even though we wish at times that it would all stop ) My oldest son graduates from high school next month and is then getting married in June ( wish he wouldn't, but that's another story ) My daughters are growing up so fast. They were just 4 & 5 when they watched their baby brother get killed..... it's been a long road with lots of bumps and twists & turns but ones that with holding each others' hands, we have been able to overcome. We miss our little guy everyday.... My stepson who is now in the Marine Corps is getting a tatoo done of a cross with his baby brother's name on it in memory of him. He called us all the way from Okinawa, Japan to let us know.... that's pretty special to us. So many families have lost their young children and my heart breaks for each of them. But please know that someday you will come to a point that you will remember that your precious child Lived, instead of how he/she died... Yes, you will still ache for them, but you will smile when you remember just how great they lived......

One thing that is a great help is to talk about your child, your feelings. Never keep your feelings bottled in. I know thats hard to do at times and I think especially for men, but talking and writing things down seems to help a lot. I know it did/has for me.....

[buddhasmom]

I start counseling today, and im scared to death. Ive realized that I have been dealing with this by not talking about the emotional part. I have been able to talk about the day, the things that happened, but I havent talked about how I feel. Ive pestered my husband to open up and let it out, and here I am, scared to do the same thing. If i dont talk about it, I dont have to feel it so badly. If I dont talk about it, I dont have to think about it, I can live in my fantasy world that it isnt real. I dont know if I can open up. I dont know if I can take it emotionally. Im scared to truly deal with this. Im scared to make it real. If it all becomes real, then how do i escape the pain anymore?

[ryansmommy]

budhasmom, i think counseling is great idea. someone told me that couples who go to counselling together have a higher chance of making it through this together. i have been reading a lot of grief books lately and it is scary to read how high the divorce rate is among bereaved parents. my husband and i are on a waiting list, i feel like all i do is wait lately. we had a counselor come visit a few months ago to get us ready for a group when one is available. it felt so good to speak to someone who understood how i felt, however i cried for days after she left. it was hard to face reality for a few hours.

[ryansmommy]

we had a meeting with joshuas daycare. apparently there are some concerns over his social skills, he won't play with the other chilren. i worry so much about him. i hate to think that he will remember all this pain in years to come but i hate to think of him forgetting his brother. everyone keeps telling me what a special bond twins have and how joshua will always feel like something is missing. what a terrible thought.

joshua has been talking a lot about ryan lately. i don't believe he really understands what has happened. mainly he just repeats exactly what he has been told but then will ask if ryan can come home now. i wish it was so simple.

[buddhasmom]

My daughter asks me almost every night if I can find a way to bring her borther back. She asks me why. She cries. She breaks my heart.

[Guest Guest]

I have created a website for Little Angel Elijah Simpson.

I want his memory kept alive forever. The brutal murder of this little boy touched my heart. It has saddened me to no end and i just felt like i wanted everyone to help me keep his memory alive so please visit his website and light a candle for this precious little angel!

http://elijah-simpson.memory-of.com/

[Guest Guest]

It has been almost 5 years since I have posted on this sight. My son Brandon died on Feb. 23, 2002 from an asthma attack. This sight was a lifesaver for me!! In a world that did not comprehend what was happening in my life, this was my safe haven. No one to say, "you need to move on".....which we all know is the worst thing you can say to a grieving parent! On my grief journey I have lost most of my friends, but some wonderful things have happened in these past 5 years. I met and married a wonderful man and I gave birth to a son Jan. 1, 2005 at the age of 37!! In 2 weeks I will graduate from college and have my nursing degree. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Brandon and miss him terribly. I think the best thing I did for myself to help in my grief journey was to let go of the "what ifs". To anyone reading this, do yourself a huge favor and do the same. You can "what if" all you want, but in the end the outcome is still the same.....your child is gone. Embrace the "what can I do" attitude and don't look back. I felt so free after I did this!! I can't change the past...but my future is full of possibilities. The death of my son made me realize what a strong person I can be.......for that I will always be grateful!

Love to You All,

Brandon's Mommy

(Lori)

[shoshanarose]

I feel for everyone who has posted here...I am new here...A mom to second boy who only lived for 19 weeks before I gave delivered his lifeless body. I only had him for 14 weeks or so growing inside of me yet I feel that such a big part of my life has been taken away from me. All the hopes and dreams of holding my child...they are gone. I feel that his life was like watching a movie on old reel-to-reel only to have the film cut just "when it was getting to the good part"...I was well over the morning sickness...feeling good, starting to show and feel pregnant and then the movie stopped. It had such a wonderful promising story and ending yet I will never see it. How can I explain the grief of a mother who never really held, kissed or feed her child compared with the loss of a child whom a mother had held and kissed and feed...I have a stepdaugther age 16 and a natural son age 6... We named him Matthew Robert. He was beautiful, perfect in every way...he looked so much like his older brother, Robert Edward...we do not know why he has left us...we laid him to rest in a "baby land" at a small cemetary near us just today. I never knew grief like this before...they say with time it gets easier but I understand that part of my heart seems to be gone forever.I don't know how, when and where to start my life over again...I have next week off work after having just told some of the pregnancy...I don't want to face the questions...

how do you get around them?

My thoughts and prayers are with you all...

love,

shoshanarose (mother of 3, one now in Heaven)

[buddhasmom]

You never get away from the questions. 2 months later, and i'm still having to tell people about my son. You'd think, living in a small town, with his obituary in every paper nearby, everyone would know, and i wouldn't have to deal with it, but I do. I'm sure even years from now, there will be questions. Face them. When you're ready. Tell people you're uncomfortable talking right now, if they respect you, they'll leave you be until you are ready. Don't feel like because you didn't hold your child in your arms, you should feel any differently than I, who held my child for 2 years. That child was a part of you, was inside you, and you have a connection, no matter what anyone else says. Each child we have is made of us, grows in us, and is born from us, so we can raise them, and hold them. If something happens during that process it doesn't make the child any less real, or any less yours. Grieve, cry, be angry, feel helpless, and find help. Talking here has helped me, and I don't know if any of my advice is good or not, but if I can help any 1 person, I'm also helping myself. Losing a child is something you should never try to do alone. If this message board is all you can do at the moment, so be it. When you're ready to go beyond this, then go ahead.

My update. My daughter is doing better. The counselor said she's reacting to my husband and I's stress and depression. She had her first swimming lesson today, and she did great. I'm still uncomfortable, but she loves it. He and I are taking positive steps. We're in counseling as well, and this morning, for the first time, we didn't fight when we could have. We actually had a conversation. Small victory, but hey, I'll take it. I started putting pictures up on my son's door of things he loved, and things that make me think of him as a way to channel my pain late at night. I'm not sure how much its helping, cause i cry the whole time, but...I'm trying. Thats the most I, or anyone else, can do in this kind of situation.

[lilly511]

Pain and depression..........it comes and it goes. Its been coming a lot more lately.......its been almost 6 months since Lillian died. I seriously went through about a 3 month period where things were fine. Now, not so much. Lack of sleep has returned, and now the horrible emotional pains from the first month after she passed has returned.

I don't know what everyone else thinks, but as a teacher for many years I never believed much in depression as a symptom or disease. I always thought mind over matter, that a person had to kind of 'suck it up' and realize that their depression is nothing more than usually a pathetic way to garner attention. I still believe that's true in about 95% of these 'depression' cases.....ie, another label for drug companies to make money on. It's been within these past few weeks though, that I think (not sure, I might?) see the other 5%. Several times my wife has asked me lately 'What's wrong?', to which I could only respond (besides the obvious) 'I don't know....something, but I don't know what.'

I miss our daughter a lot, and it is paining me more and more each passing day that she had to die. She always laughed at the most duldrum stuff........one of her favorite things was to watch her sister jump up and down. She would cackle. She just loved to swing, too. When she got worked up, you would just hear this high-pitched shriek come out of her gaping open mouth.

Sorry for the rambling. I know this is pointless writing this, but its 3 AM and I needed a break. I guess not pointless, here is one question for everyone here....does anyone ever get the feeling that you don't want to feel or live any better? Right now my mind is in a conundrum saying 'Will this ever get better?' and 'I never want it to get better.'

Best to you all (as best as can be),

John

[buddhasmom]

Daily John. Every day is a back and forth inside my head between wanting to live, and wanting to die. Wanting to get up and go, and wanting to lay around and cry. Wanting to move to another state, and never wanting to leave the crappy place I live in now. Some days the good side comes out on top. Some days, it's the bad side. I've spent many many hours curled up in bed, or on the couch bawling my eyes out, even though there were hundreds of other things I could've been doing. I had a great day yesterday. It was fun, I was happy, except that the entire time, this part of the back of my mind kept yelling at me that it wasn't fair for me to have fun, because my baby can never have fun again. Telling me I shouldn't be happy now that he's gone. I wonder if all my happiness, all my good days in the future will be like that, tempered with the guilt voice. And after every good day, that voice has done its job so well, that I have at least 3 absolutely horrid days of crying,depression, and guilt before I'm back on an even keel. It's been almost 2 months since he died. Everyone told me things would get better. I don't feel like it's better. For each good day, I get 3-7 bad ones. For each good thought, I get hours of tossing and turning with bad thoughts. I lose it at random moments, even in public. All my friends that have kids are scared of me, afraid i'll grab their kid and start crying. I'm unfocused. It's good to know that at the 6 month mark, I'll still be feeling this way. I wonder if this is it now. I wonder if the way that I feel, so up and down, so guilty, so in pain, will be a part of my life always. I feel like a shell of myself, a walking, talking, breathing, but completely unaware zombie. And the therapist wants me on medication! I already don't know who I am anymore...how the hell is drugs gonna help? I get on here, just to read, and something someone else says sets me off, onto my own little pain cloud. And then i put up some massive post. I'm sorry guys.

[ryansmommy]

its nice to read peoples thoughts and feel a connection with something. the thing about wanting to feel better but not at the same time. it scares me that maybe to feel peace i have to let go of ryan. maybe on some level come to terms with what has happened and try to pick up the pieces. with time seems to come moments of relief but at the same time it takes more of him from me...

its spring and we need to clean out joshuas closet, i can't do it. all of ryans things are still hanging. it is too final to take them down. seeing his things makes mes feels like maybe he will come back to me. it lets me pretend.

i wish i could say these things to my husband. i wish i could cry and not hide or feel ashamed.

[brandonsmommy]

To those of you who are wrestling with depression.....it is a disease, you cannot just wish it away, hope it gets better. It is a disease just as cancer, lupus, diabetes is a disease. I was once like you, thinking that it was mind over matter, if I couldn't help myself, no drug was going to help me. Well......after my life becoming such a mess (I'd forget to pay the utilities, my electricity, phone and gas would get turned off, my lawn got a foot high, and I did not want to get out of bed or off the couch)I knew I HAD to do something about it. I was suffering, but it was my daughter who suffered more. I was not capable of being the mom I should have been to her. She was 11 1/2 when Brandon died. She was not getting the attention or affection she needed from me, so she turned to others for it. My daughter became sexually active at the age of 12. After alot of counseling and me getting the help I needed, she is now a well adjusted 16 year old. The doctor put me on Zoloft. It was a godsend!! I noticed a difference in a few days. More than anything, it cleared my head, stopped the obsessive thinking and made it possible for me to get on the road of healing and grieving. Please don't let what happened to me happen to your family. Depression is not always a forever thing, I took Zoloft for a little over a year and went off of it after that. I know that I will never let myself sink that far down again....I WILL get help! Hope this helps!! Sorry for rambling.....I just remember all too well what those first weeks, months, and years were like, and my heart aches for all of you!! I am proof though....there will come a day when you will think about your angel child and smile, not cry. You will come to a point where your child's life is thought about more than their death....it takes time, but you WILL get there! God Bless You All!!

Brandonsmommy

Brandon (1993-2002)

[parmeter32]

To brandonsmommy and all others. Please please please be careful taking anti-depressants. I am sure they do help some but they were perhaps the single biggest factor in my wife killing herself and our two year old son four months ago.

Once she began taking them in September her behavior became completely erratic and progressively more and more destructive. She was abusive, neglectful, and lacked any real ability to be productive - she was never like this before. In fact, in many cases taking anti-depressants can actually cause and increase the symptoms of depression.

Unfortunately for us neither her counselor nor her doctor shared the horrific dangers of these drugs. Though she and I are well educated we had no idea. The warnings on the drugs should be enough to scare people off - problem is we/I did not know this. It actually said on the drug my wife was taking (Lexapro) that it "may cause suicidal and homicidal tendencies." This can be more pronounced when there is "a change in dose" (which there was for my wife 10 days before she killed my son.) No one bothered to warn us.

I am not saying these drugs can't be helpful - I assume they can - what I am saying is please be careful as there is NO DOUBT these drugs were the major cause of the destruction of my family. Sadly we are not remotely alone.

There is a website: www.drugawareness.org that people should check out if they are taking or thinking about taking an anti-depressant. Once on the site click on the link to "database of SSRI cases of suicide and violence" and just look at how many articles there are on there - and it is just a sample of how many times it has happened.

Sorry for the long post but one of the things I try to do now to honor my son is to try to make as many people aware of the dangers of these drugs. If they work for you, great - but you can never be too careful or have too much information. Thank you for reading this - a link to my sons memorial site is below.

http://www.fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/175378