Loss of a Young Child

[kagansmommy]

It has been two month's today that my beautiful angel went to heaven. Anyone that tells you it will get better obviously has never lost a child. The pain just keeps cutting deeper into my heart. I will be so glad when my time on earth is over and I can be with him once again. It will be one year tomorrow that my Dad passed away so it has been double the heartache. Yesterday was our first Holiday without Kagan. It was so horrible I don't know if I will make it thru his second birthday 7/7/05 or christmas. I know I have to take it one day at a time and not worry about the future. He was absolutely the most beautiful little boy and I don't understand why God chose him to go so soon.

Until we meet again..."MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

Christy (kagansmommy)

[BIJulie]

Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

[laurar]

My friend Connie's precious daughter Jessica died 5/13/04 she was 6 years old

she is a single parent and this was her only child . I feel so helpless at times. I am present for her can anyone suggest a special something I can do for the celebration of her life.

[angelazen]

Hi everyone. It has been 6 and a half months now since my baby boy passed away peacefully in his cot aged 6 weeks weeks and 6 days. I have gone through the 7 stages and just hanging in there. I am stuck for words at present. feel free to respond anybody.

[kirksdad]

Laurar, one suggesting that I could make would take a long time. If you remain friends don't ever forget your friend's child's birthday. It is hard as a parent to go through that yearly and not have at least one person say something, remember, do something nice. I know that would be one of the kindest things you could do for her.

[kirksdad]

Angelazen, I am sorry for your loss, it is so hard going through this. You say you are hanging in there and that is all that we can do. I am guessing though that before it is all over you might go through those 7 stages again. I don't know if even now I how much of a dent I have made in them, let alone know what they were. Every thing seems to just mix together at times.

[kelleys]

Hi, my name is Kelley Simmons. I lost my daughter Kelsey Gossett in

December 2003, she was only 9 years old, she was hit by a car that

was

passing her bus as she was crossing the street.I have been trying to

get a law passed, so that children dont have to cross the street to

board their buses, especially in the dark, so I have created an

online

petition. If you could sign it, it would mean a great deal to us. It

has been over a year now since this happened, and the bill that was

proposed is not even being considered. Anyone from any state can sign

this petition. If you feel that you do not want to be involved, then

thats ok, and I'll understand. Thank you so much for listening.

Its at Petitions.com

Here is the link

http://www.petitiononline.com/kmjg1203/petition.html

[teagynsmum]

Hi there my name is Nicola and I lost my only child, my angel Teagyn on 1-8-05. She was 4 yrs 2months and 25days old. I miss her so much, I am so lost without her.

Teagyn had special needs her whole life. She was diagnosed in January of 2004 with a rare genetic disease called D Bi-Functional Protein Deficiency. A horrible disease that robbed my baby of all skills and of her life. She couldn't walk, talk or sit. She used her eyes to communicate and she used a wheelchair to get around. Despite all of her needs Teagyn was a very happy healthy little girl she was never sick.

On 1-4-05 Teagyn spiked a fever and I took her to the pead who said she had an ear infection and a slight pneumonia, she was given two shots of a strong antibiotic and sent home, with a follow up appointment for the next day, She was not better and on 1-5-05 she was admitted to the hospital, she was on a regular floor and with antibiotics quickly got better. We were scheduled to go home on 1-8-05 but for some unknown reason Teagyns heart stopped beating at 1201 am on 1-805. I cant believe that her little heart just stopped and it couldn't be restarted. I MISS HER SO SO MUCH

Teagyn was such a little fighter, she fought right until the end. My poor baby went through more in her 4 yrs than most people would in 10 lifetimes. She had to endure horrible seizures twice, she was pocked and prodded thousands of times, she was ventilated twice, fought of many infections and through it all she was happy. In the end her little heart got tired, Teagyn got tired and she flew peacefully to Heaven.

Despite all of Teagyn's needs she had a great life. She was treated just like any other 4 yr. old. I refused to let anyone else treat her differently. She attended special needs preschool and daycare. She loved painting, swimming, bowling, dancing everything a "normal" 4 yr. old enjoys. Her favorite food was chocolate and slurpees. She loved life and we loved her, and she will never be forgotten.

I am just so lost, I don't know what to do, how to go on. The pain is so intense so unreal. I cry all the time, IM so mad at GOD at the world. I don't understand why she was taken from me. I would love to talk with others who have lost their only child.

If you would like to learn more about Teagyn you can visit her website at

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[angelam]

Nicola,

My prayers are with you for the loss of your Teagyn.

What a beautiful little girl Teagyn is - I visited your web site and looked at all of her photo's - how lucky we all were to have her with us, and now she is an Angel watching over us all.

I am so sad you had to find you way to this site - but welcome you as I know everyone else does.

Please tell us more about Teagyn - and tell us more about you.

We all care and are here for you.

Angela

[kagansmommy]

Teagyn had special needs her whole life. She was diagnosed in January of 2004 with a rare genetic disease called D Bi-Functional Protein Deficiency. A horrible disease that robbed my baby of all skills and of her life. She couldn't walk, talk or sit. She used her eyes to communicate and she used a wheelchair to get around. Despite all of her needs Teagyn was a very happy healthy little girl she was never sick.

Nicola, I can relate to your stroy so much. The biggest difference is that I was only blessed with Kagan for 18 month's. He passed away Jan. 28, 2005.

He too was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease (the only one in the history of the US) called Ethylmalonic Encephalopathy. He had SCAD and COX Syndrome as secondary disease's. He had uncontrollable seizures his whole life, a dilated cardiomyopathy, sleep apnia, low muscle tone, patechaie, and probably a lot of other problems I can't remember. He could not sit, hold his head up, walk or crawl, hold his bottle or feed himself. His speech was limited but the most beautiful thing he could say was "I WUV YOU" And like your precious angel he was the happiest baby I have ever saw.

He was given zero chance of survival at his 2 week check-up and my world came crashing down around me. But I dedicated my life to his care and extended his life over double what the doctors expected. He was beautiful with the biggest blue eyes you ever saw. I could read every emotion he had thru his eyes. I am so angry that his life was taken away from me. I cry almost all the time and the pain worsens daily. We were getting ready to have him fitted for his wheelchair when he passed away. We had such big plan's for this summer with him. Now it has all been ripped away from us. This is a pain like no other and unfortunately a pain like no one else but the parent's here know or understand.

I'm sure Kagan and Teagyn are watching over us and they both can walk, run, play with each other....our babies are healed~!!! That doesn't make losing them any easier. But it does give me comfort knowing Kagan isn't stuck in a body that doesn't work anymore. Sometimes he would get to squealing and laughing and you could tell there was a spunky little boy in there just busting to get out but his body didn't have the energy. I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my beautiful baby boy and I know the pain in my heart will never get any better..I just have to learn how to live my life with the pain and heartache. Every day I spend in this cruel world is one day closer I am to being with Kagan for eternity. I pray God gives us all peace.

Christy (kagansmommy)

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[biadmin]

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[ashleysdad]

my only child died on december 5, 2003. she was the center of my world. after years of being single and focusing on accumulating things and possesions, ashley taught me the real meaning of life. she gave me a purpose in life, and i loved what little time i had the privilege of spending with her. it's 16 months later and i have no drive, ambition, or interest in anything. i have no other children and got a vasectomy about a year after ashley was born. (i remember the dr asking if i was sure i wanted to do it. at the time i didn't think this cruel world would take my only baby) her birthday is next week and she would have been 5 on april 16th. i am empty. i have lost hope. i lost the most important special person in my life....she was so beautiful, funny, smart and cool...i miss her more than words....there are times when i just want to kill myself on the chance i could be with her wherever she is. my life is incomplete without her. all my dreams died that horrible day in december...

[angelam]

my only child died on december 5, 2003. she was the center of my world. after years of being single and focusing on accumulating things and possesions, ashley taught me the real meaning of life. she gave me a purpose in life, and i loved what little time i had the privilege of spending with her. it's 16 months later and i have no drive, ambition, or interest in anything. i have no other children and got a vasectomy about a year after ashley was born. (i remember the dr asking if i was sure i wanted to do it. at the time i didn't think this cruel world would take my only baby) her birthday is next week and she would have been 5 on april 16th. i am empty. i have lost hope. i lost the most important special person in my life....she was so beautiful, funny, smart and cool...i miss her more than words....there are times when i just want to kill myself on the chance i could be with her wherever she is. my life is incomplete without her. all my dreams died that horrible day in december...

AshleysDad...........my heart goes out to you. Your sadness is unbearable and I am thinking and praying for you. Ashley is around you and watching you and is close to you, please know that.

I can understand how much you want to be with her - I believe we all consider this when we are so low and so grief stricken - "how can I be with them sooner" is what we ask ourselves - but would they want us to consider this as an option? I know I myself just wanted to close my eyes and never wake up when I lost my husband - "just let me be with him" was all I could think.

This is a very difficult time for you. Please just take one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Focus on you. Please keep posting here......we will listen and support you in any way that we can.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

AngelaM

[teagynsmum]

my only child died on december 5, 2003. she was the center of my world.

I am so sorry for your loss, i to lost my only child. It is so unfair, it is not noraml for a child to pass away. It throughs everythng off balance. It turns your world upside down.

(((HUGS))))

Nicola mummy to angel teagyn

[teagynsmum]

He could not sit, hold his head up, walk or crawl, hold his bottle or feed himself. His speech was limited but the most beautiful thing he could say was "I WUV YOU" And like your precious angel he was the happiest baby I have ever saw.

WOW Kagan sounds so much like Teagyn, she was so so floppy she couldn't sit, hold up her head, nothing. She never did speak I never got to hear her voice, but she did have the biggest heartiest laugh. She would get so excited she would squeal and throw herself back. I miss her so much.

I am so sorry for your loss, I believe that Teagyn and Kagan are happy and healthy like you said. I had a dream and in my dream Teagyn stood up and walked across the room, she had the biggest smile ever she was so happy and so was I, until I realized it was not real. I was so mad that I wouldn't get to see her take her first steps and I believe that I did.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[teagynsmum]

Nicola,

My prayers are with you for the loss of your Teagyn.

What a beautiful little girl Teagyn is - I visited your web site and looked at all of her photo\'s - how lucky we all were to have her with us, and now she is an Angel watching over us all.

Thanks so much for visiting Teagyns website. I enjoy adding new pictures to it. Teagyn truly is an angel, she taught so many people so much, she performed the ultimate and that was to teach us all the true meaning of love, that love was unconditional and unselfish. you do not give love to receive. I miss her so much.

I love you baby girl.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[kagansmommy]

Kagan had a very big vacabulary which shocked and amazed doctor's and therapist's. Sometimes he even repeated thing's he shouldn't have. His hearing was perfect and he picked up everything. He was an amazing little boy. He was very intelligent which made his disabilities harder to deal with for me. I was afraid he would one day understand what he was missing. I think about his lifeless little body laying in my lap so happy because he didn't know any different. I miss him so bad right now and I would give my life to have him back. But not the way he was. No child should have to live a life confined to a wheel chair unable to do anything for themselves. I thank God for allowing Kagan to be able to speak to me. He talked early and he talked often. He would wake me up in the morning squealing and yelling "dad,dad." God I miss him~!

I'm trying to learn to live with the pain but it is so hard. I just want him back. I want to hear his sweet little voice again. I'm tired of crying all the time. I go over those last few hour's in my mind over and over again. Wondering if I should have done something different? Should I have waited one more day to unhook his life support? What if I did it too soon and he would have been ok? What if I killed my baby boy? It is slowly driving me crazy wondering if I made a mistake. I will never know the answers until I see my precious baby again. The sooner the better~!!

"I love you kagan~!!"

[teagynsmum]

Wondering if I should have done something different? Should I have waited one more day to unhook his life support? What if I did it too soon and he would have been ok? What if I killed my baby boy? It is slowly driving me crazy wondering if I made a mistake. I will never know the answers until I see my precious baby again. The sooner the better~!!

HI there

I think it is normal to have guilt and all the what ifs. I do I have huge amounts I totally blame myself for Teagyns death. We were supposed to go to Barcelona Spain on 1-11-05 to see a peroxisomal specialist I was so adamant about not Having Teagyn in the ICU as I knew we wouldn't get out on time, so Teagyn was placed on the regular floor. Now I wonder if she was in the ICU would they have be more vigilant, would they have noticed something. That night runs through my head all the time, I changed Teagyn diaper at 1100 I picked her up, hugged her, kissed her and told her I loved her then I laid her in bed and I sat down and watched TV. 1hr later she was gone, IM so mad, I think I always will be. I don't understand what happened and no one can tell me. Teagyns heart just stopped, it just stopped for an unknown reason.

I to would give anything to have Teagyn back but not my own life, I wouldn't want Teagyn here on earth without me, to suffer the way that I am. I would keep Teagyn the way that she was. I am so glad that Kagan was able to talk with you, Teagyn only ever babbled but she was so smart, she spoke with her eyes, she could pick objects by pointing etc. I never thought Teagyn suffered, she had a great life, she did so much. If she had to go, IM glad that she went suddenly and peacefully, she didn't struggle to breath nothing.

I would love to see a picture of sweet Kagan do you have any?

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

Loved always and forever.

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Nicola for the kind word's and sharing more of Teagyn's life with me. Yes, I have hundred's of pictures of Kagan. I would like to have a website just for him but I can't seem to hold it together long enough to make one. If you would like to email me privately I will send you pic's of my angel. My email address is CAxsom@aol.com or kagansmommy@aol.com either one is fine. I had to go to my Grandson's dedication at church today and it was really hard to get thru it without falling apart. So this afternoon has been a sad one but I am trying to pick myself up and do something. I keep thinking that if Kagan were still here we would be outside on this beautiful day. I would sit his seat in his wagon so he could be upright and be able to see where he was going. Thats why we were so excited about getting his wheelchair this spring. Instead of ordering his wheelchair I had to order his headstone. This world is cruel and ugly to some people but I am so thankful for the 18 month's I had him. My ex-husband (not Kagan's daddy) hugged me in the hospital room after Kagan passed away and he said the world just got a little uglier...and I said yes, but heaven just got a little sweeter. Kagan's Dad and I went fishing last night and I told him that I was having a good time being out but I would trade it for sitting home with Kagan any day of the week. I say I wouldn't want him back like he was but the truth is that I am selfish and I would take him back sickness and all. I cherish every second I sat home taking care of him. The only time I was unhappy was the few hours I left him each week to run errand's.

I gave up everything I once loved to stay home with him and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Nothing in this world compares to love your child shows you thru their eyes. But Kagan is gone and I have to wait out the day's until I see him again. I used to pray to God that he take me at the same time he took Kagan. Then after Kagan died I prayed even harder that God let me die. But someone pointed out to me that wishing death upon yourself is a form of suicide in its self. I believe that if one commit's suicide you are taking a chance on never seeing your loved ones again...I will never risk not seeing Kagan again.

So I decided that if I couldn't live with him then I had to live for him. And I have to live for my other son and his two beautiful babies. Sorry to have rambled on so and getting off the subject of pictures. It makes you feel better to type your thought's and feeling's out here knowing someone that truly understand's is going to read them. Email me anytime if you would like pic's that way.

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

[kagansmommy]

Tonight has been a bad one. I have been trying to rationalize the decision I made to take Kagan off life support. It seemed so right at the time...seemed like the only thing to do to let him die in peace. Now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong. How could I just let him go without a fight? How could I make a decision like that without a second thought? Kagan was my life and I didn't even fight for him. What kind of mother does that make me? I feel like I killed him myself.

This is eating away at me and driving me crazy. I keep seeing his blue eyes looking at me right before they took the tube out. What if he was saying mommy don't let me go? My God what if I made a mistake? I can't go on like this much longer. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. I have had people insinuate I am better off because I can get on with my life now. My life is buried seven miles down the road in the cold dark ground. My life wasn't miserable until Kagan took his last breath. Being able to come and go and do as I please is nothing compared to being able to hold my baby and rock him to sleep every night. Hearing him say I love you even thought his body didn't work and I had to carry him everywhere. Looking into those beautiful blue eye's and seeing the love he had for life. Waking up to his sweet voice every morning. I am so mad at God for taking him from me. After 18 years God gave me a miracle baby and then took him away from me...WHY? The grief and sadness is too much...I can't do it. I LOVE YOU KAGAN~!!!

[trubeliever]

Kagansmommy, Please stop blaming yourself for your sweet boy's death. You did everything you could do. There is nothing right about losing your child, this should not happen to any of us. I know just how you feel, I did the same thing for at least the first 4 months. Did I do something wrong, did we overlook anything? I decided to move him to a hospice facility because I did not want him to die in the hospital. He was gone before the sun rose in the next morning. I think maybe I could have had another day or longer at the hospital now. Put him back on life support, then I remember the suffering he endured. I am the one suffering now, I would rather it be me suffering then him. Try to get some rest knowing what a wonderful mommy he thinks you are. Know he loves you too......4ever brians mom

[BIJulie]

Kagansmommy,

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. What you are going through is completely normal and you will get through it. Choosing to let your child die peacefully was the most unselfish thing you could ever do. So please, don't beat yourself up about it. Please continue to share and let your feelings out, it will help you heal.

Take Care,

Julie

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Julie and Brians mom~!! I know I made the right decision and I have to let go of the guilt. I spent 99% of my time at home taking care of Kagan. I am amazed at how much has happened "out there" in the world while I was pre-occupied with Kagan. I didn't go to my friend's homes. I didn't go to family dinner's. I didn't call anyone and no one called or came to visit us because they were afraid of making Kagan sick. Or worse yet they were afraid of getting attached to him and not being able to handle it if he passed away. So my world revolved around Kagan. When I did go somewhere it was for groceries, diaper's & formula, and perscriptions. It feels like I just woke up after almost two years. Kagans Dad and I would take him out a lot when the weather was nice. We would go to the lake so he could hear the bird's and frog's. Plus we didn't have to have him around anyone at the lake but it got us out of the house. So it's not like we were couped up 24/7...we just did things alone and I didn't have to leave him. I didn't take him anywhere but the doctor from Oct. until April. I'm afraid people I know will see me out and think "her baby died and now she's on the road all the time." I know I should not worry about what other people think and I do deserve to have my life back. I feel guilty for being able to do anything. I would much rather spend my day's in the house with Kagan than being able to come and go as I please. I was always in such a hurry to get back to him that I catch myself rushing around and then I remember Kagan won't be here when I get home and my world crashes. I have been so stressed out lately that my cardiologist put me back on Xanax. The paxil isn't enough to calm me so I needed some help. I never said things like "I'll be glad when this day is over" or "I can't wait until tomorrow or next week" because I felt I was wishing Kagan's life away. Now I find myself wishing time away on a daily basis. I will get back to my sweet angel one day. I just have to wait my turn~!!

Peace and prayers to all of you~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

'I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[bunkiesmom]

kagansmommy,

I went thru something very similar, I lost my daughter 17 yrs ago after caring for her 24/7 for 4 years. The guilt was overwhelming and it took therapy along with medication to finally work thru all the emotions.....my family dr tried the anti-depressent route, but without therapy it only masked the feeling. After years of trying to get thru it on my own, I found someone who introduced me to therapy, namely EMDR therapy. So, please, please consider seeking professional help....the meds alone will not help....if you want to know more about my therapy and my daughter, please let me know....you can also email me at flomomma00@yahoo.com.....take good care, Laura(bunkies mom)

[ashleysdad]

well tomorrow ashley would have been 5 years old.....no idea how i'll make it through the day...here's a website i've been working on in her honor... www.ashleycaymclellan.com/Ashley/index.html

[teagynsmum]

well tomorrow ashley would have been 5 years old

(((((HUgS))))) I will be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[kirksdad]

Happy birthday to Ashley, I went to her site and what a cutie. It is just so hard to understand how someone so beautiful and innocent has to be taken from us at such a young age. There just isn't any fairness to us losing our children.

[chels1003]

Ashleysdad, what a beautiful site and beautiful little girl. It is so hard, but take care and hang in there.

[encouraged]

Ashley's Dad,

Ashley's web site is lovely. What a precious little girl! I especially like the picture of Ashley by your pickup. April, until two years ago, was my favorite month of the year - until our son died on April 4. I was born years ago on April 16. Now April is not so lovely any more.

However, I force myself to see the beauty in the flowers and the trees. When our son died, I was grateful for the redbud and dogwood trees that were blooming in our yard. Slowly, the spring flowers made their appearance. They don't seem to be as pretty or fragrant as they once were. But I keep hoping . . . .

Your friend from Texas

[rayteresa4]

WOW - what a beautiful little girl - Ashley's Dad - I do not know what to say, and sometimes to say nothing is better. However; I have to say I could not imagine at all what it would be like to loose one of my children - I think I would go insane indeed. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Many blessings always! Teresa

[bluebaby94]

hi everyone, I am new here. My first son went home without me in 1984, he was only two days old. I would have never have thought that twenty year later, that I would be going through the same horriable ordeal. I never got to get to know my first son. I miss him so much, I really don't think that I ever got over that period of my life. I always wonder what would he look like? I am now grievinbg for two of my children. My son Isaiah went home without me in January 2004. He had just had his 10th birthday party in October. He had a serious heart condition. MARFANS=SYNDROME WITH MITRAL=VALVE-PROPLASE WITH ARTOIC ROOT DILATION.I was told when Isaish was born that there was a chance that he would not makeit. He sure did prove them wrong. Isaih was the strongest boy I knew. Throught his life and nurmous operations, he never gave up. He was so full of life, after his last heart surgery,there just seem to be one problem after another. We brought Isaiah home for christmas only to go back on the 26th. I never thought that he would not be comming home with me.

One week before Isaiah left us. I was told that his heart was going bigger, and the only thing was for him to get a new heart. Even was only a 5percent chance of working. I remember as if it was yeaterday, He had been in ICU

for about three weeks now, he could no longer breath on his own, he had cardic failure. On thursday the week before, he was laying in bed, starring at the same spot in the ceiling. I asked him what he was looking at, and for some strange reason, I knew that he was trying to tell me some thing. His words to me were, mom can't you seen them? I said what? he than told me the children playing in the field? I told him that I DIDN;T seem them. He than told me to come closer, and he gave me oh so many kisses and said I LOVE YOU, I started to cry, and telling my husband ha gave me kisses. My husband came over with the balloon that Isaiah was pointing at and gave it to him.He that put his fist up to his dads face and tap him just oh so slightly. That was the last time we heard our son speak. As the days went by I keep praying PLEASE god

take care of my son. I could not lose him. he was my reason for being. Our whole world revolved around him, How could I ever survive without him. That morning we got a phone call, telling us to come down to the ICU because there was nothing else that htey could do for Isaiah. The fear that I Felt, I can't even begin to explain. I rememeber laying with Isaiah and telling him how much we loved him. The last time I had almost lost him I begged him not to leave me, and he stayed. This time I knew that this was different. TIME JUST SEEM TO STAND STILL. I remember looking at my husband and telling him that we have to let him go. I leaned over to Isaiah and telling him, IT'S OKAY PAPI YOU CAN GO NOW, FLY FOR MOMMING I'LL BE OKAY, In that instant he was gone. MY beautiful son was gone. I could not beleieve what I HAD DONE.I think back, should I have let them try to revive him? did I do everything I possiable could have. I try and go each day, the way I think he would have wan't me to.

We'll that my story or part of it anyway. talk to ya's soon.

[kirksdad]

Bluebaby94, what you did was love your son unconditionally without regards to yourself and that is all that any child can hope for. I am so sorry that you have had to experience this trauma 2 times, no one should ever have to know what this feels like at all let alone more than once. Your son loves you and you love him, you love your first born, you did what a loving parent would do and shouldn't have to second guess yourself about it. Jim

[encouraged]

Dear Bluebaby94 - Isaiah's Mom,

Your post touched my heart. Two of our children have and or had heart problems. Please write me at Runninguysdolls@aol.com if you want to talk. I'll just "listen" and try to encourage.

Your loss of two children saddens me. I've only lost one child. I cannot imagine the grief you bear. But I want to try to help share your sorrow.

Your friend from Texas

[Artina]

Bluebaby94,

I am so sorry for the loss of your children. Losing a child changes everything-doesn't it. What do we do? Ask for help, support, and whatever you need to get through this. I know that sleep, food, water, and exercise are very important to the physical process, which eventually aids the mind and heart. Please know that my heart is with you and you are not alone.

Peace to you, Tina

[jess102395]

Blubaby94

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my daughter to CHD. She was only 8 yrs old. She passed suddenly. Its been a little over a year,and every day just seems so hard without her. These children are special as all children are. Jessica and I were very close...You did nothing wrong by letting him go...please do not beat yourself up about that...I did and it gets you no where...You just have to some how and you will in time learn to accept the fact that you were not given a choice in this and try to go on and its really really hard. I never gave up on Jessica until right at the end,then I knew she wasnt coming back this time...she was gone...and all I could do was to let her go peacefully...knowing how much that we loved her and she held on until her daddy who had a very hard time much harder than I did letting her go tell her it was okay..and that he loved her very much..Jessica lasted about 30 seconds after that conversation...she was just holding on for him..

We somehow just think that this could never ever happen to us and then it does...Just remember that he is special and he will never be forgotten.

Please feel free to visit Jessica's website at http://www.angelfire.com/mi4/jessica1995

If you would like to add your childs story to Jessica's special friends you are welcome to do so.

(((Huggs))))

Deborah Davidson mom to Jessica Erin 10/23/95 - 03/13/2004

[encouraged]

Dear Deborah Davidson - mom to Jessica Erin,

Thank you for sharing your story and Jessica's website. While it grieves me that you had to lose your precious Jessica, it helps to hear from someone who has experienced something similar to what I've experienced.

We, too, lost our child to complications from a heart defect that was present at birth. Living with a defective heart (even though repair helped some) and the uncertainty of his health all his short life took it's toll on our whole family. We are grateful for the years we had him. We wish he had not died; but, he did. We can't change that. Now, we are trying to make the rest of our lives meaningful to ourselves and to others.

Thank you again for sharing with Blubaby94. You've helped me, too. There are probably others who will be encouraged by your writing and Jessica's website.

Your Texas Friend

[jess102395]

Encouraged:

Glad that you took a look at Jessica's website. She was very special to us.Tell me more about your son, I would love to hear more.

Email me privately if you wish, drld959@charter.net

If you would like to add your son to her site I would love for you to share his story with others.

Deborah mom to Jessica Erin

[kagansmommy]

Bluebaby94...I too wonder if I should have done something different or tried harder. I was the one who made the decision to turn off my son's life support. I will live with the question of wether that was the right thing to do for the rest of my life. Kagan was only 18 months old and I know he would have had no quality of life at all and the rest of his days would be spent on life support and I could not put his little body through that. He fought so hard and like your son he was the toughest little guy I know. He had a good life and I have come to realize that I made the most unselfish decision a parent could ever make...to let my precious angel die in peace. I did not want to see his disease ravage his body. I miss him terribly and I cry for him daily. But I would never have him back like he was. My little boy is healthy...he's walking and he's talking. Living the life every little boy should. I bet your son has already taught Kagan how to play ball. Kagan passed away January 28, 2005 and it is still an open wound for me so I feel your pain and I pray for you to have peace with your decision.

God Bless you all~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

[BIJulie]

Hugs to all of you. My heart truly goes out to you all for your losses.

Julie

[tinasdad]

Christy, as much as this will hurt me to say, and you to hear, I think you did the best for him. My 17 year old is workig toward entering the military, and it must be my signature enlisting him (under 18). He wants to go in for a chaplaincy, and I'm proud of him, but scared out of my mind to let him enlist while we fight a war. I know, and on top of the other things we face.

I can almost see your son in Heaven playing with all the other little children. Wonder how noisy that is for the angels? My wife and I can't imagine the pain and loss you feel. We have been through eleven miscarriages, but no loss like yours. Your pain is beyond my imagination. I will always hold you up in my prayers. Mark

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[teagynsmum]

\"Mother\'s Day\"

Another Mother\'s Day !

But A Different One This Year

For You See, I Am A Mother,

But My Child Isn\'t Here.

I Am A Mother Who Is Hurting

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

For This Child Who Was So Dear,

As I Face This, And Other Occasions,

Each And Every Year.

I Am A Mother Who Feels An Emptyness

Over And Over Again,

Because I Miss THIS Child And All That Could Have Been.

I Am A Mother Who Cared As I Watched

My Child Grow,

And Truely Loved My Child

More Then Anyone Will Ever Know.

I Am A Mother Who Has Memories

And Many Tears To Cry

Over Regrets I\'ll Have To Live With Until The Day I Die.

I Am A Mother Who Is Thankful

For The Miracle Of Birth,

And All My Child Has Taught Me

About My Own Self Worth.

I Just Can\'t Stop Being A Mother

Just Because My Child Isn\'t Here,

Because The Love We Had For Each Other Will Continue For Years And Years.

And So...

On This Special

\"Mother\'s Day\",

I Will Feel Within My Heart

All The Pride, Love And Joy Which Are

The Parts

That Make Me Who I Am,

And That I\'ll Always Be -

I Am Still A MOTHER,

Just Remember That Please.

Written By

~Judy A. Sittner~

[titoyginasmom]

I am posting for the first time on this board. I am in a state of shock I think after reading the news reports of the two little girls murdered on Mother's Day in Zion, Ill. I have no idea how those two mothers will ever be able to get through another May. I have lost two children myself, but Dear Lord, not on a holiday. I have contacted their school with information about this site for the parents, and grief counselors to be able to use. I just didn't know quite what else to do. I hurt so badly for little Laura Hobbs' and Krystal Tobias' mothers..families.

God Bless you all,

TitoyGinasMom

[matthewsmom2001]

Hello everyone,

I just discovered this website today. I am approaching the first anniversary of my son's heaven date. Matthew was born 11/23/01 and passed away 5/22/04. He was one day shy of being 2 1/2. He drowned in a tidepool on the first day of summer vacation (I am a special ed teacher). He was my whole world, an incredible miracle gift from God, as I was 42 and a single parent when I had him. I have two teenage girls, but being older and wiser with Matthew I knew to treasure every moment of his babyhood like I didn't with them. He was just on the threshold of being "my little boy" in addition to being "my baby" and I had such plans for the two of us together! Now I have to let go of the idea of a future filled with joy, delight, and wonder and just try to make it through the rest of my life until I get to be with him in Heaven. I was referred to The Compassionate Friends just a week after the accident and they are the only thing that has helped me hang on to some kind of sanity. My local chapter had a box of old books and tapes that they never even brought out at meetings so after my third meeting I kind of appointed myself the librarian and have been working on building the "library" into an actual useful resource. In fact I found this website while looking for material for the library. I would love to hear of any more websites that provide information or inspiration for bereaved parents. Thanks for listening, and I pray God lends his comfort to each and every one of you (and to me).

matthewsmom2001

[kirksdad]

Matthewsmom2001, I am sorry for your loss. Compassionate Friends was a Godsend for us, also. This site has helped ever so much. Talking with others and just being able to write about our experience can be helpful, also. No one is ever prepared for the death of a child. We each come to this site with out own experience and our own grief. Handling it is hard, but we do it in the best way we are able to. The shock and heartbreak is unbearable, it is hard to understand how someone so much a part of us has to be taken before us. It is something we never get over, but we can eventually feel better. I remember that first year only because of the pain and shock, everything else is a total blur. How has your daughters handled it? If you feel like it tell us about Matthew. Jim

[matthewsmom2001]

Hi Jim:

Thank you for your kind words. No one who hasn't been there can even come close to understanding. Matthew was a special child from the beginning. He had an absolute angelic glow about him. You can see his pictures on babysteps.com under "view memorials". His whole name was Matthew Clayton Duve'. He never knew anything but love. No one ever kept him except my father or I and we both thought he was the center of the universe. We never had to put up with a man in our house so he never heard any fighting or yelling from anywhere. He thought the world was full of nothing but goodness. Sometimes I wonder if God took him before he had to find out the truth about the world. I can't help but think it is significant that he passed just four weeks after we finally got him baptized. He started talking late but when he did it was full sentences. Two of his first sentences were, "Trying to get this booger out my nose" (smile) and "Grandpa, my mommy love me all best." Sometimes when I think of living the rest of my life without him I feel like if I was to start screaming I would never be able to stop. Thank you for listening again.

Bonnie

[kirksdad]

Bonnie, sometimes screaming really helps. Kirk and I use to go and hunt for fossils at a sandpit about 4 miles out of town. We would always have a contest to see who could find the most or the largest shark's teeth. When I am feeling especially down I go out there, which is out in the middle of no where, and scream his name at the top of my lungs. It helps and afterwards I always feel better. Jim

[teagynsmum]

hi all

Just wanted to post a little update on me, I do read the posts just don't post much. I have been having such a rough time lately still dealing with all these crazy emotions. I still don't understand why me, why us??? IM still so mad, I wish she was here with me.

Mother's day was a double whammy as it was also her 4 month angel day. It was hard, I was surprised that I got cards in the mail and gifts. we sent balloons to Teagyn also. I just feel so lost, don't know what to do with myself.

IM still looking for a new job, still haven't had any luck finding one that I like, I cant take just anything as I no longer have the patience to deal with ignorance, so I wouldn't last long. I need a job though, I need to get out of the house, being alone and home all the time is starting to do me more harm than good.

I to feel the need to be a mum, I need to have a child to take care of, for the first month or so after Teagyn passed I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. Now I have decided to become a foster parent, I have completed all my training, I am just waiting on a letter from my counselor, a home inspection and a job. I have had so many people tell me to wait, but I cant, I cannot see myself going through, the holidays, Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., without a child. I have a lot of love to give and I think a child will be therapeutic to me as well.

I just wish that none of us had to be here, that no of us had to meet. I wish that I could turn back time and do more, try more. I still don't feel that I did all that I could, it wasn't Teagyns time, I should have saved her, I should have known something was wrong, IM here mum for God sake, how could I not have known!!!!!! I do wish the guilt would fade away, I wish I could tell myself that I did all I could, I try to say it but it doesn't help. I wish I knew her dx sooner, I wish I had gotten to Spain. I wish SHE WAS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for listening to me ramble.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[matthewsmom2001]

Hi Teagynsmum:

I was hoping more people would post. Thank you for sharing. It's all we can offer each other but it's more than we can get from the uninitiated masses. Only another bereaved parent really understands. It will be a year Sunday for me and I am still screaming "Why?" The only person I can discuss it honestly with is Matthew's daddy. Everybody else thinks it's time for me to get over it and get on with it. (Some people think it's past time.) Can't these people understand that I don't WANT to "get over it", to relegate my baby to a past chapter in the history of my life? To me that would be like losing him all over again. People are even telling me what to do with his room. How can I disturb his room? What am I going to do, box his whole existence up and put it in the shed? You are blessed to have frineds that express their concern for you. The only acknowledgement I got of this first anniversary was an email from one friend across the country who happens to be a social worker and therefore at least has a clue. Compassionate Friends is great, but that's only one day out of the month. I have said before that if I was a drunk, I could go to a sharing meeting in any part of town on any given day of the week, but if I want to grieve for my child, I get one day a month... what's wrong with that picture? They say the only way out of this is through it... so I say let's at least walk the road together.

Blessings,

Bonnie

[chels1003]

Dear Nicola,

It's been a long time since I've posted also. Your feelings remind me of alot of feelings I have about Kristian, my daughter who passed because of a brain tumor a year and a half ago. She had just turned 10.

I still feel alot of the same things today. What could I have done, known sooner. I still feel very angry at times.

I understand your need to want to have another child to take care of. I have Jonny and Kait that I am very grateful for. But during the first year it was very hard to be there for them. I was...but it wasn't easy. It's still not. Kait looks exactly like Kristian. Things they do, and things I see other kids do, kids in Kristian's class, it can still make me very sad. I see how they have grown in the time that she has been gone, I think of Kristian and how she should still be here enjoying these times. Holidays especially.

I know you find it frustrating that people tell you to wait before taking on such an important role in another child's life. I was told the same thing. Not about being a foster parent, but in general...taking care of anyone with special needs of any kind. I think it's something alot of us feel we need to do after taking care of a child, or anyone with a life threatening illness. Or any other disability. The need to keep giving.

Two months ago I took on a part time job as a personal assistant to a grown woman in a wheelchair. It's only a few hours a week. I want to feel like I am helping someone too. It's been good for both of us. We can talk openly and honestly about anything. I have to tell you at first, I was scared. I felt ready, but I wasn't sure if it would remind of the time Kristian spent being paralyzed and in a wheelchair also. In the end I didn't. I felt very comfortable since I had already dealt with the same sort of things.

Just make sure you are truly ready. So long as you are, you will surely have what it takes to make a phenominal difference in a childs life.

My thoughts go out to you. Take care and stay strong.

Chelsie, proud mom of Kristian, Jonny & Kait