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Loss of a Young Child


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I am also sorry for your loss of Cheanelle. My young son died in my arms too and those gasps for air feel dreadful when you can do nothing to help. The one wonderful thing we have is that our precious children were with us when they died and we had the opportunity to say goodbye. It's not what we planned for or dreamt of. Often people think it is easier for those of us whose children died from illness (not the wonderful support here of course) but it is just as gut wrenching and the pain stills takes time to heal.

Donna xx

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teri

i know how you feel when you say, "i can't believe it has been one year already".

it has been two and a half years for me and it seems like two and a half days.

i look at life now as just one big blink of an eye.

we go through life doing just about the same thing every day until something big happens, good or bad, and we learn one of lifes lessons from it. and all the mundain days in between seem to have never existed.

leaving me with a life that seems to be flying by. i can sum up my lifes lessons in about 10 to 15 days out of 40 years worth of days.

i just don't seem to picture my life in days or years like i did before.

i just can't comprehend the thought that i have not seen my son smile at me or watch him play baseball or watch him do anything for two and a half years, reality says it has been all that time, but to me it seems like yesterday.

enough of my rambling,

god bless all and hope everybody had a "good as can be expected" holidays

bill (T's dad)

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I am also sorry for your loss of Cheanelle. My young son died in my arms too and those gasps for air feel dreadful when you can do nothing to help. The one wonderful thing we have is that our precious children were with us when they died and we had the opportunity to say goodbye. It's not what we planned for or dreamt of. Often people think it is easier for those of us whose children died from illness (not the wonderful support here of course) but it is just as gut wrenching and the pain stills takes time to heal.

Donna xx

Donna thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It's nice to talk to someone who understands the great deal of grief from watching your child die right in front of your very own eyes. I do however understand that even with the heartache from watching something so painful we are truly blessed to have been there. I'm very thankful for that and deeply saden in the same breath. It has been a form of release to be able to share my grief with people who are going through the same thing. I wanna send my sympathy to you for your loss. Maybe are children are together in heaven. playing just like there meant to. Well GOD bless you Donna and thanks so much for your time. Kyla

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my daughter Emily was killed in a freak accident,Emily was a twin her sisters name is hanna,we miss her terribly.Emily was crossing the road and was him by a man on his push bkie and died 2 hours later in hospital,people wouldnt think that a pedal bike could kill someone.......she was 12 years old and i miss her so very very much........i would also like to take this oppertunity to tell all about a wonderful site of which im part of the addy is http:/www.Thetalkshop.org/ it is a wonderful community of people who walk this same road as us all please take a look

love becky xxxxxx

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Hello All,

I am new to this website, but unfortunately, not new to the pain of losing a child. My 8 month old baby, Andrew "Jesse" was killed by a daycare provider. The 11th year anniversary is next week and once again, I am drowning in sorrow and pain. I went searching for some support because my family just doesn't understand how much the anniversary dates affect me. Jesse died from being shken or abused and that in itself is something I just can't reconcile or accept in my heart. Since this happened I have been suffered with PTSD, situational depression & anxiety. My now adult kids seem to think I have some control over these illnesses and want me to just get over it. The man I am with tries to understand, but he's never had kids. How can he know the enormous love that comes with the birth of your baby or even imagine the utter devastation having them stolen away causes? He told me the other night that I would be lucky to find anyone else to put up with my s&%$. Okay, I was being kind of mean to him, I guess, but I get so tired of feeling like I have to justify myself and beg for any understanding or compassion from the ones who are supposed to love and accept me. Does anyone else go through this?

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Okay, wow, I posted before I read and I have to say I have been blown away. There are people here who have survived the deaths of more than 1 child, there are fathers who have been able to eloquently put their feelings into words, there are so many moms who know me like not even my best friend knows me. To all of you, thank you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for surviving, thank you for telling me that I am not so alone.

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Michelle, how one reacts to us usually has to do with their frame of reference. Your significant other, not having kids, would really make a big difference in the fact he can't relate, proabably never will because he couldn't understand. Your adult children were proabably younger when it happened and have a hard time relating to the feelings that a parent will experience. Unless one has gone through this they could never begin to understand the feelings that one feels even years later. I tell about my grandfather who at the mention of his little daughters name would just break down and cry uncontrollably even 40 years after her death. It is something that we, as parents, carry with us for the rest of our lives and that will not change. The anniversary dates will always be hard and maybe that is something that needs to be explained to your children especially. The fact they might find it in their hearts to understand might suprise you. If they have children of their own surely they could give it a try at understanding. Losing a child becomes a lifetime journey for the parents that experience this. The circumstances that surround the event, the age of the child, the situation with the parents and extended family all play into the feelings and emotions experienced for the rest of our lives. We all survive in our own way, in our own time. You are not alone in your feelings that is for sure. Jim

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Thanks Jim, your advice and understanding helps a lot. And you were right about the situation with the significant other and that the kids were younger when it happened. They are now 19 & 21, no kids for them yet. I think they are trying to be compassionate, but that their own needs and feelings get in the way. They don't want to dwell on it and sort of resent the drama and upset. Kind of like they don't want to live in my past, you know? I really hope they never have to understand any of this, but God, I sure wish they would not take the distance I need so personally. I can't function very well during the anniversary and need a little leniency from them. Whether that is because I am grouchy, distant or locked in my room sobbing it out...I'm trying to explain and stay calm and reasonable, but I get so hurt and resentful sometimes. It's especially bad with Dante, the significant other. I guess I expect way too much from him and will never be satisfied that he can't seem to get it. I don't neccesarily need someone to hold my hand the whole month of Jan, just check in on my and let me know in gentle ways that they care. And most especially, if I come looking for you, please give me the time and comfort I need. I'm told I push people away, but when they say they will be there and then aren't, how am I supposed to act? I am so frustrated I am ready to go find my own apartment. I seemed to do a lot better when I lived alone. Of course, that would be TOO selfish and NOT ONE of them would ever understand how I could abandon my family...am I the one is whacked are is it them? Thanks for your input : )

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Hi Michele,

I lost my little girl 17 years ago and was feeling much like you are now. My "children" are now 23 and 25 and have lives of their own and did not understand what I was going thru...then or now....My daughter, Laura Ann, was born with a neurotube defect and was labeled as "failure to thrive." I took her home with me and cared for her for 4 years until she crossed over in 1988. My husband, and her father, was not supportive at all, before or after her death. And at the time my other children were too young to understand. I spent 15 years going thru exactly what you have said. Until I met someone who told me about a certain type of therapy, called EMDR. It has had great results with PTSD. After about 6 months in therapy, I can finally think of my precious Laura Ann and smile. Sure the birthdays and anniversaries are still hard, but I can get thru them now. I have learned how to CELEBRATE her life. For example, on the anniversary of her death back in October, my dear friend and I released balloons at the beach in her memory...sort of letting her spirit fly....I hope this has been of some help....please feel free to email me if you would like to talk or just vent....my email is flomomma00@yahoo.com.

Peace be with you

Laura

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Thank you Bunkiesmom, I sent an email to your personal email address but wanted you to know that I understand your pain. I am really sorry that your family has not been able to be a source of support and that little Laura had to suffer anything at all...except for my mom, my stepdad and recently, one sister, there's been a whole lot of nothing from the rest of my family...it's okay though, I count my blessings for the ones that do care and aren't afraid to show it...or stick up for me...Would you mind sharing more info on what a neurotube defect actually means? hope you don't mind my asking, are you still with Laura Ann's dad or did that not work out? ...Jesse's dad was never really part of the picture and that makes it hard, too...like how could I have chosen such a crappy person to be this beautiful baby's dad? Someone that could turn his back on his son's murder? I guess we all make mistakes, tho...after almost 11 years, I am learning to let go of that guilt...now will I ever be able to forgive myself for leaving him with someone who killed him? Respond here or feel free to email me at mlh1966@inreach.com

Thanks,

M

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hiya all just wanted to say hello as you all have probably read i lost my twin daughter Emily in a freak accident in March 2002,im having a rough time at the moment not only do i still miss her more than anything but now feel so very very down i dont sleep at the moment the medication isnt working so its now 4.ooam and im still up,as you all know i also use the following website http://www.Thetalkshop.org/ i wondered if anyone has had a look at the site

sending you all my love

love becky xxxxx

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hiya all just wanted to say hello as you all have probably read i lost my twin daughter Emily in a freak accident in March 2002,im having a rough time at the moment not only do i still miss her more than anything but now feel so very very down i dont sleep at the moment the medication isnt working so its now 4.ooam and im still up,as you all know i also use the following website http://www.Thetalkshop.org/ i wondered if anyone has had a look at the site

sending you all my love

love becky xxxxx

Becky,

I just wanted to send you my deepest sympathy on the loss of your precious Emily. I too understand what your going through being a parent that also lost a child. It's got to be one of the hardest thing's for us as parents to out live are children. It's been a little over 3 years since I lost my daughter Cheanelle to Leukemia on 11/29/01. When she died my whole world came tumbling down.My life since losing her has been an emotional roller coaster. So many days not wanting to get out of bed, many thoughts of suicide, and uncontrollable crying. It became so hard that I had to place my older daughter Francesca with my cousin and her husband because I was so grief struck. I felt so horrible that I couldn't take care of Francesca but I didn't want her to see me that way. It was a hard thing to do but I feel I did what was best for Francesca until I could pull myself together. 9 months later I pulled myself together the best that I could and had Francesca come back home with me. The moral of the story Is that I never once sat back and thought about what she must be going through, and It wasn't up until recently that I really looked beyond my own grief and validated her loss. I feel so terrible when I think about how selfish I've been. I never once stopped and thought about anyone else's feelings but my own. I guess I felt like I was the only one In pain because she was my daughter. Instead Of embracing Francesca I pushed her away. I don't understand why I pushed her away from me when she needed me most. I can't change what's been done but I can change my selfish ways. Well I've rambled enough but It felt good to get this off my chest. Perhaps someone else can relate to my situation. Becky I wish you the best and remember are Surviving children are grieving too. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Sincerely,

Kyla

If you ever need to talk please feel free to contact me at princess_bella_4life@yahoo.com

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Cheanelle,

I didn't push my living son away when my son died, but I can understand why a parent may do that- fear of loving and losing again. I did the opposite, I became very, very, fearful of losing my living son. It is very difficult for me to let him out of my sight- he is 15. He doesn't seem to want to do too much, so it works out pretty good. However, when he went on out of town sport trips for football and wrestling, it would drive me crazy. I would dream up the worst scenerios and create all kinds of feelings. Crazy... just crazy. I have gotten better, but I have to keep myself in check. I guess the bottem line is; we need to cut oursleves some slack- we lost a child! Our pain is real and we do the best we can to stay present. I am glad that you have fought your way back to reinvesting back into life.

It has been three years since my 19 year old son died, and life has gotten a lot better than the first two years following his death. We miss him, hurt for him, long for him, and want him back, but we function much better and enjoy time with our living son. That is all we can do right now... and who knows what tomorrow brings.

Peace to you, Tina

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Thank you very much for your kind words. I do understand the need as a parent who's lost a child to keep there memory alive. Since I've last wrote on here I've continued theraphy once a week and also I've started my medicine. So as of lately I have to say I've been feeling pretty good. It's amazing too see my transformation after living these past 3 years in total darkness and grief. I never thought I'd feel so alive again after losing my dear Cheanelle but it's like you said they want us to go on and live life to the best of our abilities. I guess now looking back all these emotions I went through are just part of our grieving process. I'll always feel like part of me has died but I too have a surving daughter who's lived way to long in her deceased sister's shadow. I can no longer move through life and not validate what is still here with me. I wish anyone who reads this thats going through hard times just remember when your ready to pull the pieces back together that theres no need to feel quilty for moving on just blessed to have strength to pull through. GOD BLESS EVERYONE IN HARD TIMES AND BLESS THOSE WHO ARE DIGGING DEEP IN THERE SOUL TO KEEP THE STRENGTH TO MOVE FORWARD. may you all find peace!!

Kyla

Cheanelle,

I didn't push my living son away when my son died, but I can understand why a parent may do that- fear of loving and losing again. I did the opposite, I became very, very, fearful of losing my living son. It is very difficult for me to let him out of my sight- he is 15. He doesn't seem to want to do too much, so it works out pretty good. However, when he went on out of town sport trips for football and wrestling, it would drive me crazy. I would dream up the worst scenerios and create all kinds of feelings. Crazy... just crazy. I have gotten better, but I have to keep myself in check. I guess the bottem line is; we need to cut oursleves some slack- we lost a child! Our pain is real and we do the best we can to stay present. I am glad that you have fought your way back to reinvesting back into life.

It has been three years since my 19 year old son died, and life has gotten a lot better than the first two years following his death. We miss him, hurt for him, long for him, and want him back, but we function much better and enjoy time with our living son. That is all we can do right now... and who knows what tomorrow brings.

Peace to you, Tina

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i hope you are ok and that you can tell me about your loss and about

yourself my name is Rebecca,i lost my twin daughter Emily on 13th

March 2002 in a freak accident Emily was a wonderful young lady she

saw the good in everyone and would do anything to help others which

was the cause of her death, the school was low on cash and organised

a sponsered spell and the kids were asked to collect sponsers and

help raise money to buy the mini bus for the school to use to take

the yr8s on camp, even though Emily wasnt going to camp she wanted to

help,her twin sister Hanna was and is totally differant she wouldnt

do it as she wasnt going on the camp so why raise money the school

should have enough money in there funds,but Emily didnt see it like

that she wanted to help,so on that night she went in the bath after

her tea and asked if she could go across the road to the local shop

to ask them to sponser her at first i said no but she got really

upset and i relented so she got her shoes on and the last thing i

said was mind the road,she said i will mum,she had crossed the road

thousands of times!!!her older brother samuel was outside chatting to

friends,Emily came out of the shop and started to cross the road when

sam noticed a glistenning helmet of a cyclist and shouted to emily

she stopped turn to tell sam to get losst as she though he was having

her on when the young man collided with her,the next thing that

happened was Sam was banging like crazy on my lounge window saying

mum come quick i went to the window and saw Emily lying in the road

twitching like she was having a fit,i froze!!!!!!i though she had

been ran down by a car i ran the ambulance and they asked all the

relevant questions i answered as you do,then i remember going out to

her but not being able to get down beside her i had froze why i dont

know she wasnt moving but breathing,no blood no marks nothing,then

someone said she will be ok it was only a pedal cycle that had hit

her,but i knew differant i knew in my heart she wasnt going to make

it,the ambulance to 25 mins to get to her they put her in the

ambulance i went with them but had to sit in the front they wouldnt

allow me in the back,when we arrived at the hospital i heard the

beeeeeeep of the heart machine so i knew but they took her into

resuss and gave us a comfy room with sofas in ect..a porter even

brought us tea and coffee so i knew in England you dont get this

treatment unless its a life or death situation,then at 20;20pm she

was pronounced dead.......sorry i cant write anymore right now will

continue another time

love to you

love becky xxxxxxxxx http://www.Thetalkshop.org

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Kyla, what wonderful advice. You are so right about always having some pain over our loss, but in the meantime we do what we can, here and now. For those of us with other children we have to live for them. We also live to honor or children that have passed. It isn't easy, it probably never will be. We try our best, when we are ready we figure it out. We have our setbacks, but we keep trying to move forward. Jim

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Emilysmum,

I am so sorry for you loss. I read your post with my eyes wide open. Unbelievable… one would never think that a bike could cause such harm to a pedestrian. I will be sure to share this information with as many people as I encounter, so they know how dangerous a moving bike is.

I lost my son three years ago and have found that talking about him, his accident, and my pain is very important. However, it was very difficult to do at first. I took little steps and made sure I put my needs first- sleep, food, water, and nice long walks with friends helped more than I can put into words. They were the most necessary little steps to my survival. Beyond Indigo was the perfect place for me to share my deepest feelings, without feeling like I had to be guarded. Not one of my friends have lost a child, so they couldn’t understand what I really needed- which was to talk to parents who understood my pain without having to “explain” it. Please know that we are here in every way possible. Most of us read everyday… and respond in one way or another. We understand.

Emily sounds like such an outgoing little girl. I am sure you miss her with all of your heart.

Peace to you and your family, Tina

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Hello, I am new to this, though I have been visiting for a while now, I lost my little Sarah 2 years 2 months and 2 weeks ago, she was a month shy of her 4th birthday, she was a healthy, happy little girl, one Friday she got sick with a stomach virus, she had had stomach viruses before, so I gave her gatorade, motrin, I watched her and kept her on fluids, my oldest daughter had just had a baby that previous Monday, and I was actually more worried about the baby catching the virus, so I called her pediatrician, they said just keep her a distance from the baby, well on Sunday she was still sick, she even asked me to take her to the doctor, I gave her a bath and dressed her, while I was getting ready, she fell asleep, so I didn't wake her up, that night she didn't sleep at all, my husband stayed up with her, at about 5:30 a.m. Monday morning he woke me up and said Sarah had not slept all night, that she was restless, I got up an said we are taking her to the hospital, I had planned to take her to her pediatrician on Monday, but decided not to wait, we took her in at 6:00 the doctor saw her and at first thought it was her appendix, when they ordered a sonogram, they saw her liver was enlarged, thats when all the tests started, my little girl died at 2:11 that Monday afternoon of what they would later determine was viral myocarditis, the virus had attacked her heart. We were in

shock, not in a million years did I think that my little girl would not be o.k. after all I had taken her to the children's hospital and I thought for sure they would fix her up, nothing I have endured or might endure will ever measure to the loss of my little girl, I had waited for her for so long, she has two older sisters, that are now 18 and 19, but when she was born were 13 and 14 years, we had waited so long to see if we would have a little boy, but we had her, no disappointment, she was everything we had been waiting for, my daughters baby is now 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks old, my little girl died a week after my grandbaby was born, he is a boy, having him has helped a lot, even though he can't replace my little girl. I have a lot of bad days still, but I know that God carries me through those, I think that is enough for now. Thank you

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Missusarah, I am so sorry for your loss. When a child dies, time takes on a new meaning. It has been 4 and a half years since we lost our only son Kirk. We have a 19 year old daughter that misses her brother so much. It is just not something we ever heal from. We get better, but I know from watching my grandfather who lost a 3 year old, a 19 year old, and a newborn that time doesn't really heal this loss completely. I am doing so much better than I was a year ago and hopefully in another year I will be doing even better, but I know that Kirk is still a large part of my life and always will be. I defined myself by him for a long time and it has been hard going it with out him. There is no understanding of the death of a little child, heck, there is no understanding when we have to face the death of our children. Hopefully we do the best we can, remember the good times along with the bad, try to keep their memories alive for those around us, and make them proud of the way we move through this.

We move through this pain all our lives, sometimes it is better, sometimes worse. I like to think we had them for a while and even with all the grief I wouldn't ever change that. Jim

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Hello, I'm not really sur how to do this so I will just let you know about my loss. My daughter Catrina Jordan died on 12/28/01 . She was my only child and I was a single mom. She was the light of my life and so much more. After 3 yrs it's still hard to get out of bed. She was almost 3. Does anyone have any advice they can give me? Thank you.

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Thanks everyone, momofjustin, I feel the same way, the doctors in the emergency room didn't really know what was wrong with Sarah, they kept running different tests, until 1:46 p.m. they called a cardiologist who ordered an ekg and so forth while they were doing all of that was when my Sarah left us, the cardiologist said she was a very sick little girl, but if he had been called maybe an hour earlier, maybe he would of been able to help, I read a lot on viral myocarditis and the mortality rate is low, this illness is so rare that is why the doctors did not know at first what it was, I will always wonder what if....... I had taken her on Sunday like she had asked me too, or if the cardiologist had come sooner, but it didn't turn out that way and I will always wonder. I know it is also difficult when a child of yours has been sick for a long time and leaves but my little Sarah was perfectly healthy, except for those last days, she was never in the hospital for anything, I tried to take good care of her, it breaks my heart to see so many children hurt or abandoned by parents, I don't understand, I don't wish this pain on anyone but if they could just see for a minute how bad it hurts to lose ones own child, maybe they would treasure them more.

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HELLO EVERYONE I AM NEW TO THIS. MY WIFE SAID I SHOULD TRY THIS. I LOST MY DAUGHTER ALMOST ONE YEAR AGO. SHE DIED OF MENINGITIS. IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD BECAUSE SHE WAS A DADDYS GIRL, SO I AM LOST WITH OUT HER. I COULD REALLY USE A FRIEND TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS. I HAVE A HARD TIME TALKING TO MY WIFE CAUSE IF I START TO CRY, IT MAKES HER CRY. SO I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS THAT CAN HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS.

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Sammysdad,

I am sorry for your your loss. Beyond Indigo is a great place for grief support. I lost my son, Chris, three years ago. I found Beyond Indigo about ten months after my son crossed over and I have been coming here since. I don't always post, but I read often. We are basically a group of parents who offer our support through our own experiences of what has worked, or not worked, while dealing with the loss of our children. Just knowing that I was not alone on this journey made a world of difference for me. Please tell us about your sweet baby girl when you are ready.

Peace to you, Tina

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Sammsdad, everyone that comes to this site knows exactly what you are going thru, it has been 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks since my Sarah left us at just 3 years old, posting on this site and reading about others tragedies helps a lot, because we know we are not alone, and we are not the only ones that feel lost and lonely without our loved ones, only someone that has lost can know the pain and suffering we feel, because they feel it too, the circumstances may be different but the pain is the same, I don't like to talk to my husband about our little girl either, I feel he has enough pain on his own, and he doesn't need mine too, Sarah was a daddys girl too, I guess all girls are with their daddy, so when I need to talk or just read, I come here and it helps. I know it will help you too.

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dear sammysdad,

god i hate seeing new people come on to this site, i am so sorry for your loss and you have come to the right place. you will notice that there are hardly any males on here so i commend you for taking this step, it has helped me very much.

i lost my 11 year old son in an atv accident on aug. 4th 2002,

they say that time heals all wounds, but i don't think THEY ever lost a child. it gets better but it never heals. we would love to hear about your little "daddys girl". it really helps to talk about her, to anyone, but as you already know, the people that aren't in our shoes really can't talk about it like we wish they could.

so talk away and don't hold anything back, the tears will flow and nobody can see them (i hate our society for that) sometime i can hardly see the keys to type anything.

i wish you well friend

god bless you and all the others

bill (t's dad)

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I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR THE RESPONSES IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO ME. ON THE 22ND OF THIS MONTH IT WILL BE ONE YEAR THAT MY LITTLE GIRL HAS BEEN GONE. I FEEL LIKE PART OF ME HAS DIED WITH HER CAUSE I HAVE A HARD TIME DOING THE THINGS THAT I LOVED TO DO WITH HER, WITH MY OTHER TWO KIDS. I AM TRYING VERY HARD, BUT AS YOU CAN ALL IMAGINE IT CAN BEEN VERY EMOTIONAL. ITS FUNNY, TO THIS DAY I STILL CANNOT WATCH FEAR FACTOR. THAT WAS SAMMYS AND MY FAVORITE SHOW TO WATCH. THAT WAS OUR SPECIAL TIME TOGETHER. WIFE NOR OTHER KIDS LIKED THE SHOW SO AT 8 PM ON MONDAY NIGHT WE BOTH SAT IN FRONT OF TV AND WATCHED THE SHOW. NOW TO RESPOND TO WHAT HAPPENED TO SAM. I WILL TRY TO KEEP BRIEF. ON SATURDAY FEB 21 OF 04 SHE WAS FINE AND PLAYING WITH HER BROTHER AND THEN WENT TO HELP MY DAD AT WORK. WHEN SHE CAME HOME THAT NIGHT SHE SEEMED FINE TO WIFE AND I. LATER ON WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR WIFE TO WORK MIDNIGHTS, SAM KEPT ASKING TO GO TO WORK WITH HER. WIFE FINALLY GAVE IN AND SAID YES. APRROXIMATELY 5 AM SHE STARTED TO HAVE HEADACHE AND VOMITING. SHE HAS HAD MIGRAINE HEADACHES BEFORE SO WIFE THOUGHT THAT WAS IT. CAME HOME TOLD HER TO REST AND WHEN SHE GOT UP WOULD FEEL BETTER. 3 PM I CHECKED ON HER TO WAKE HER UP AND FOUND THAT SHE WAS NOT BREATHING. YELLED HER NAME TO WAKE HER UP, AND OTHER DAUGHTER CAME UP, SEEN THAT SHE WAS BLUE IN FACE, STARTED YELLI8NG FOR WIFE. SHE CAME UP AND STARTED CRYING TELLING ME TO DO CPR. STARTED UNTIL PARAMEDICS ARRIVED AND THE TOOK OVER NEVER BEING ABLE TO REVIVE HER. TOOK HER TO HOSPITAL TO KEEP TRYING AND PRONOUNCED HER DEAD AT NEAR 5 PM. LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE. SORRY IT WAS LONG STORY. BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS ALSO THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I LOVE THAT LITTLE ANGEL WITH ALL MY HEART AND WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE HER BACK. SORRY ONE LAST THING, SHE DIED FROM BACTERIAL MENINGITS.

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dear sammys dad

don't you ever think you have to apologize for anything you say here. that's not what we are about, and no post is too long.

i also tried cpr on my son , i can still see his open eyes just staring out into who knows where. i knew it wouldn't do any good, i just knew.

i also have not watched unsolved mysteries since my sons death, we watched that all the time.

god bless you

bill (t's dad)

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Hello everyone -

I haven't posted for a while but I have been checking in to read the posts. Sammysdad, as Bill said, we all share our heartache here and your post is never too long. As I read the posts, I was thinking about the shows that Coltin and I watched together. The Amazing Race was one of our favorites. I just can't seem to get into it without him here to share it with me. As I write this, Queen (We are the champions) is playing on the stereo. We used to listen to this CD all the time, singing this song at the top of our lungs. I miss that so much. I still feel as if I am coming out of a fog after the holidays. I don't know if it is because his angel date (12-22-03)is so close to Xmas or if it was just the whole holiday thing. Take care everyone

Coltinsmom Teri

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I AM SORRY FOR APOLOGIZING. MY WIFE GIVES ME HECK FOR THAT. SHE SAYS THAT I SAY SORRY TO MUCH. I JUST FEEL SO LOST SO I JUST SAY THE FIRST THING IN MY HEAD. BUT IT IS GREAT TO KNOW YOU ARE ALL HERE FOR ME AND EACH OTHER. IT IS A BIG COMFORT, KNOWING THAT I HAVE PEOPLE I CAN DISCUSS THINGS WITH. I GUESS YOU CAN SAY SOME NEW FRIENDS. AT LEAST THAT IS HOW I FEEL. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

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Guys, I need some prayers. One of our students was in a senseless sledding accident and now is in a drug induced coma so that the swelling and pressure on his brain will go down. He is a great kid, only 13, and his father was the person that called 911 the night Kirk was killed, he went out to check out the wreck and found him. I have always wanted to ask him about the accident, but was afraid of knowing the truth I guess. Anyway he needs our prayers, they are a really nice family that doesn't deserve any of this. I still can't believe the way it happened. Truck pulling a sled on a dangerous road after a big snow. Jim

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jim

we're here for you and your friends, prayer really does help so i will start right now.

i know what you mean about not daring to ask about "the accident", i'm in the same boat you are in, i see people that i could ask but as you said, i really don't want to know,i think. anyways, i wish the best for your friend and god bless him and his family.

bill (t's dad)

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Sammysdad,

When I read the events that led up to Sammy's death, all I could think of was that "both of my children have had headaches and vomited". What is a parent supposed to do? I feel like I want to tie my living son up and never let him out the door. However, I know that he would be so unhappy and wouldn't be living life the way the he should be. It's just so scary.

I never saw the place where my son's accident occurred and I didn't want a lot of information. I knew he died from injuries sustained from a snowmobile accident and that was enough. I already hurt to the point of no return.

Jim,

My prayers are with the 13-year-old boy that you spoke of.

Peace to you, Tina

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Kirksdad,

I am praying for the 13 year old boy and for those who are caring for him. I pray that the treatments will bring the desired healing, and that those who saw the accident will also be healed mentally from the pain of seeing that.

And in general, all of us who have flashbacks to deal with, may they be replaced with good images and come less frequently.

Janet

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Hello All~!! I just lost my 19 month old son Kagan on 1/28/05. I am having a really hard time dealing with the roller coaster ride of emotions. Guilt, Anger, Blame, Regret...the "normal" emotion's I am told by everyone. But I think unless you have suffered the loss of a child that nothing compares to it. I also lost my Dad 10 months ago. I was a Daddy's girl and it broke my heart when he passed. But the loss of my baby boy ripped my heart out of my chest. Kagan was born with a metabolic disorder called "Ethylmalonic Encephalopathy." Being the only one in the US to ever have the disease and only 30 reported case's all over the world there was also 0% chance of surviving this disease. At 19 month's he was at the level of about a 2 month old. I spent every second of every day with him except the 2 hour's I would leave him on tuesday afternoon to do my shopping and sometimes 2 hour's on saturday. After spending 2 week's in Riley hospital God took my precious angel home. I was told because of my dedication and parenting that Kagan lived twice as long as expected. I thank God for every day I had with him. I was told at his viewing by someone that now I can have my life back. My life was laying in that casket beside me. It infuriated me that someone...especially someone who knew me...would think that I ever concidered Kagan a burden and wanted my life back. I lived my life for him. I don't know how to live without him. I walk out my door and I am completely lost. The only time I left him was to get medicine or diaper's or baby food. I don't know what to do with myself now that he's gone. I cry at anything. I have 2 grandchildren...15 months and 2 months. I can't stand to be with them because it reminds that Kagan is gone. I dedicated my whole life to Kagan so I never got to be the Grandmother I would have liked to be. I know it usually gets worse before it get's better. I just hope it is soon. Thanks for listening to my story~!!

Kagans Mommy

Indiana

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SAMMYSDAD...

I too say I am sorry way too much. When I am in a down mood and I am talking to Kagan I repeatedly say "Mommy is so sorry." I say it over and over again. I don't know why I feel as if his death was my fault but I do. There was nothing anyone could do but I still tell him Mommy is sorry at least 50 times a day. When I look at his picture or his crib...his toy's and book's...or go to the grave site. His Dad tells me to stop it and don't blame myself and then he does the same thing. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since Kagan's death and I just want to crawl into a hole and die because I miss him so bad. I am glad I found this group of parent's that know where I am coming from. I just wish this wasn't the one thing we all had in common. Hang in there...my prayer's are with yoou all~!!

Kagans Mommy

Indiana

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kagansmommy,

I understand completely. My son Brian needed constant care, and although I had nurses to help me, I was dedicated completely to him. He left me on 10-1-04, nearly 20 weeks ago. You will get through one day at a time, and even begin to appreciate the other gifts in your life on some days. It is going to be a different rollercoaster ride now. I cannot say how I could have handled someone saying that to me "You can have your life back now". You fought hard for him, be proud of that. You will find your way.

4ever Brian's mom

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Hello everyone

Just a little note since I havent posted since around Dec, Feb 22/05 will be the one year mark for my daughter Samantha and it has been a very difficult year and things still seem to be going wrong. I did however get my husband to join this site to have someone to talk to and get out his feelings. His aka is sammysdad. Well I will post after this tough week is done and hopefully something goes right for my family. Take care Bev

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Sammy's Mom and Dad, that first year is so very hard I can look back at it now and not even remember but a couple of things. I only know that we all experience it. It just doesn't seem real, we can't even begin to think about a life without our kids. I know that it took me some time to even get to a point where I wan't thinking about Kirk every moment of every waking hour. Those thoughts can wear a person out both physically and mentally. I know my health was terrible the first couple of years after Kirk's death, but it is much better now. It takes time and we have to take the time we need. Just know that we all have been there and our experiences, although, not the same, have so many of the same feelings. It is so hard, so very hard, but there is light at the end of even this tunnel. Jim

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romapauljrzmom

Sadly on Saturday July 6, 2002 my only child was murdered (shot 2x) in the back and killed instantly as he closed the car door so that the 2 guys (killers) coming on the bike would not be unconvinced of getting off their bike. He never saw it coming and did not know what hit him. I KNOW he did not belong to any gang, and did not hang out. Those who know/knew can confirm that he did not belong to a gang. He was very well liked and had no enemies. My son’s death was senseless. He was an innocent victim of a hate crime. All for the sake of a gang!

My Son was more than my son. He was my buddy, my best friend, my left arm and my world. We were very close. My life was blessed the day he entered this world, and my life has never been the same since he was taken away (982 days ago) so violently at the hands of another. And never will be.

I can’t see my child who I love so much because he is nowhere close so I can touch, feel, hug, or hear. My child who has always meant so much to me I will never see. I close my eyes and shake my head, then reality! I realize he’s really dead. That in itself is a terrible feeling and keeps my emotions rocking and in disbelief. I see his picture(s) everyday and it’s hard to believe that he will never get any older. My dreams of my Son’s future will never come true. My dreams of ever becoming a grandmother or mother-in-law are shattered. No grandchildren will ever occupy my time and no daughter-In Law to call “my”. I can’t even wish for him to come back because I know it is reality. These are only a few true facts that will never be or happen in my lifetime.

I still have no words to describe my pain or feelings. It feels as if it just happened yesterday. I am emotionally lost, and at time a emotional mess. I live with big empty hole in my heart that aches daily. A big part of me died too.

So far, no word ANYONE says makes me feel better. I don't know any parent (single or married) that has lost their ONLY child at the hands of another.

Now I keep him safe in my heart where nobody can hurt him because I know he is with me.

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kagansmommy

It is after midnight and I have cried for the last 4 hour's. Five weeks ago today I layed my beautiful 18 month old baby boy to rest. I thought it would get better but the pain only gets worse. There are no word's to describe the pain a parent feels when they lose a child. No word's to describe the emptiness you feel inside. I know this pain and emptiness will only go away when I see my baby again in Heaven. That day will not come soon enough for me. There are no word's to say to each other to help ease the pain. But everyone here feels each others pain. No one deserves what we have been thru as parent's losing a child.

I knew Kagan's time here on earth was going to be short. He was diagnosed with his disease at 6 month's old. A disease with absolutely no survival rate. But I never in my life expected to lose him so soon. But who ever expect's to outlive their child? That is definately a parent's worst nightmare. My arm's and my heart ache to hold him again. But I would never want him back the way he was. He is healed now. He is able to run and use his arm's. He is able to talk and tell me he loves me...even if it is in my dream's. Whenever I want to see him I close my eye's and I see those big beautiful blue eye's staring at me. He never cried about anything. Even in the end when it was really bad he never cried. But I could tell by looking into his eyes I was losing him. I don't know why God chose me to be Kagan's Mommy but I am so thankful he did. I love you and miss you Kagan~!!

God bless you all~!!

KagansMommy 4ever

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Taylors Dad

dear roma pauls mom,

i am so sorry to hear about your only child. it pains me to see new people come on board here but the reality is this happens every single hour of every single day. i take a bit longer to read the obituaries in the paper now, just knowing how much pain that family is in. it never stops. and it always seems to be the "really good kids", only the good die young is not just something people say, it's the truth.

my son was 11 when he went on a atv ride with his best friend for 10 minutes before we had to leave his house, he never came back.

he was just like your son sounds, had no enemies, never caused trouble, just an absolute gem of a boy to be around.

i was just like you when you say nobody has said anything to make me feel any better. i wanted my life over and i've said this many times before on this sight, what saved me was that i went to a psychic medium and found out that my son wasn't dead so to speak, he was in heaven and having a blast . he was not in any pain, he was not sad that he wasn't on earth any more also. he can see me whenever he wants just like your son can see you.

i didn't really believe in heaven and god and all the rest before my son died but then i had to find out if it was true, and i'm here to tell you that i would bet my life on it, i'm not getting paid to say this or to give the psychic world a plug. your son is doing fine in heaven and is probably waiting for you to find out how to communicate with him because you still can.

your son came into this world on a specific date and his soul knew the exact date he would go back home to heaven.

i know this is very hard to believe but if you start reading about afterlife you will see the bigger picture that god has in store for us all.

i hope this helps a little

god bless you

bill (T's dad)

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Romapaulsmom, I am so sorry that your son was taken from you in such a manner, there is just no understanding what goes on in some people's minds. There is so much senseless pain and destruction that happens in our society today, we never feel that it will happen to us and yet it does. What we love and cherish the most is taken away from us without warning, without explanation. It just boggles the mind of a parent to lose a child especially when that child has been so wonderful to those around him.

I am understand your pain, we all do. It is hard to understand the feelings that we go through of loss and pain. This is a good place to come to talk and just let our feelings out. We all know all to well all that you are going through.

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Kagansmommy, I wish there were words of comfort that could be said, but as you know there really are none. It is hard to understand why we are given such precious life only to have it taken away. Even if we know the end is inevitable we still are never prepared for what is to come. We had our children for only a short time, but you are right about every moment being special and thank God for the time we had although it is never ever going to be enough.

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loreleilyme

HELLO

MY NAME IS LORELEI

ON MAY 30 2003 I FEEL LIKE MY OWN LIFE ENDED WHEN I GOT THE PHONE CALL

MY 7 YEAR OLD SON WYATT HAD BEEN IN A VERY BAD ACCIDENT

I THINK HE DIED INSTANTLY BUT THEY AIR LIFTED HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

THE ACCIDENT WAS STUPID AND SENSLESS HE HAD BEEN DIRT BIKE RIDING WITH HIS DAD

WENT THE WRONG WAY ON THE TRACK AND WAS HIT BY THE ONLY UTHER VEHICLE ON THE TRACK

MY HUSBAND THERE WITH HIM ,TRIED TO STOP HIM, TRIED TO GET HIM BREATHING AFTER THE ACCIDENT THERE WAS NOTHING THAT COULD BE DONE. JUST A NOTE WYATT WAS IN FULL GEAR HELMUT CHEST PROTECTOR THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

ITS BEEN ALMOST 2 YEARS AND THE PHONE CALL AND THE NIGHT THAT FOLLOWED RUNS LIKE A MOVIE REEL IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER ALMOST LIKE I TRY TO GET THE MINUTES BEFORE THE PHONE CALL BACK SO I CAN CHANGE THE OUTCOME THE GUILT IS THE WORST I FEEL LIKE I LET MY BEAUTIFUL BOY DOWN I SHOULD HAVE MADE THEM TRY HARDER AT THE HOSPITAL TO SAVE HIM I SHOULD NOT HAVE LEFT HIM AFTER HIS HEART STOPPED I SHOULD HAVE STAYED LONGER WHAT IF? I TOO APOLOGIZE TO HIM CONSTANTLY I AM NOT A RELIGIOUS PERSON ALTHOUGH AFTER SEEING A PSYCIC I DO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING AFTER THIS LIFE I AM JUST SO LONELY WITHOUT MY BOY AND FEEL THAT NOONE UNDERSTANDS ME I AM HOPING TO MAKE SOME CONNECTIONS WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS WHERE I AM AS NOONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST BIDING MY TIME UNTIL I DIE MYSELF AND AM REUNITED WITH MY BOY

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Loreleilyme, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy. I can tell you we all feel the way you do those first couple of years. Even now, although, it has been 5 years, I still replay that night in my head wondering what we might have done to make things different. All the questions and no answers, it really is very upsetting. My son was 17, but believe me when I say the feelings are the same. I know how hard those first years can be, I always felt the second was the worst because during the first year I think I remained in complete and utter shock and denial. The second year seem to make it so final and all that was ever on my mind was Kirk and why and what we could have done better. Always the wondering if we let him down, but now in my heart I know we were all very good parents who loved their children more than anything else in the world. We did our best and our children knew that we loved them. I have come to the realization, although Kirk is still on my mind, always, we did our best and the outcome was just one of those things in life that happens. There was nothing we could have done, nothing we can do to make anything different. It is hard, but I do know that in time things do get better and we need to be here to help others remember what we lost and what wonders our children were. We will love them with all our hearts for the rest of our lives. I too know that when it is my time that Kirk will be there waiting to greet me, it makes death seem just like another journey in life. I want to live a long one, though, because I want to keep his memory alive as long as is possible.

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kagansmommy

I know exactly what you mean about replaying those last moment's over, and over in your mind. From the time they told us that there was no hope for Kagan and the time we unplugged his life support it had been almost 6 hour's. In my mind it seems more like 6 minute's. I constantly replay every word that I said to him in my mind. They unhooked all the IV's and cath. The only thing he had on was the life support and 1 IV to keep his blood pressure in control. I got to hold him that whole 6 hours and it was gone way too fast. He passed away at 8:27 pm and I didn't leave him until after midnight. I wrapped him in a blanket and rocked him to sleep for the very last time. I got to give him his last bath and dress him. Then I sat and rocked him for 3 more hour's. As long as I could feel the warmth in his body I couldn't leave him. But then it just felt ok to go. I put him in the bed and covered him up and kissed him goodbye. I made the nurse promise to stay with him until the funeral home came to get him. Every single second of that last day is burned into my mind forever. My arm's ache to hold him again every second of every day. It will be 8 weeks friday that he passed away and it keeps getting harder. I started taking anti-depressant's just to stop the roller coaster of emotion's. It is a constant sadness now but the feeling of losing control at any moment is getting a little better. My oldest son races motocross and I live in constant fear of losing him too. I have seen so many boy's get hurt and watched my own son crash so many times. My heart goes out to you Lorelei. Luckily my son came out of the crashes not hurt.

I know what you are feeling right now. There is no other love like the love you have for your child. And there is no other pain like the loss of that child.

I lost my dad almost 1 year ago and that pain doesn't even compare to losing Kagan. God chose us to be Mommy (and Daddy's too) to those precious angel's for their short visit here on earth. It breaks my heart but I thank God every day that he chose me to be Kagan's Mommy. Feel free to email me anytime. Even if it's just to vent.. CAxsom@aol.com

Take care and God Bless everyone~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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Loreleilyme, Im am very sorry to hear of the loss of your son.....

I read your words and know of the pain. Its a terrible guilt I think we all share, living our lives, moving forward, the next chapter. Whatever it may be but Ill never forget my sons dying days. Its as if those memories are forever permanent in our brain reliving it always. Out of the blue ill have a flash of my sons face good or bad. But I now know to embrace those moments no matter how difficult it may be. Because I never want to forget, I dont think anyone wants to forget. The worse is what you mention as if we are just waiting for our time to go so we can be with our loved one again. That I can really relate to I still feel a part of me went with him. I cant even begin to tell you the kind of year Ive had which is in a good way. But I just cant feel the same kind of excitement I would have if we had Joshy with us. Your loss is so tragic Loreleilyme and the pain can be unbearable. You have certainly come to the right place to share your feelings.

Patty

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Lorelei,

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I too went through the "what if" stage. I still do. It does get better...eventually I became aware of the logical fact that I would have never created a reality that would have taken my son's life. Thus, nothing I chose to do, say, or allow caused my son's death. Because I would have never agreed to that! Never. And neither would have you. However, we do go through that stage of hurt. Be easy on yourself and know that we are here to offer support to each other in any way that we can. Take what works for you and leave what doesn't.

Peace to you,

Tina

Mother of Chris, who died in a snowmobile accident at the age of 19, on January 4, 2002.

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Christy,

I can't imagine what it was like for you. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. My heart was so touched by your story and I just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss.

Peace to you, Tina

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