I Miss Him So...

[samrtb]

amber - thats so cool that you won that trip! russ and i went to paradise view hotel. it was my christmas present. it was funny because when we got there, the hotel was very different from the pictures (ie very run down) and we were the hotel's only guests! so the first night was a little rough, but after that we had a great time. Jamaica is beautiful as you know, and the staff was great since they only had to wait on us haha. Russ felt so bad, but we had a really great time......how could you not down there. We went during college spring break week and its funny we were both so annoyed because we wanted to go to bed early and get up early and the hotel next to us was a constant party (mind you, we were only 23 at the time and should have been partying too haha!) but it was fun, just the two of us, we went everywhere, to the waterfalls, all the good restaurants, etc. Ugh just thinking about it makes me miss him so much. I think its amazing down there, but i dont think i could ever go back. I get upset when i hear talk of Jamaica even, or see a poster for red stripe beer (it was his favorite!)

as for "the jerks" im not really familiar with whats going on, but i've learned (or am trying to learn) over the past ten months to just really try and ignore what other people have to say if it is negative. you can't change how they feel, nor can they change what you feel, OR what you and Alex had. That was something my step mother has really drilled into my head. No matter how many people tell me to move on, or arent there to support me, it doesn't change what he and i had. So please keep that in the front of your mind when dealing with people who just want to be negative.

I hope everyone else is doing well....

Steph

[sweetwilliam]

I have not been here for awhile and I finally figured out why...

For some reason the last month I have been in total denial - you know trying to shut out the world, so I could act like Bill was still here with me. When you said Anna about it being more difficult to be with frieds because alone you could at least talk to Ishaq and not feel so lonely - THAT is so what I have been doing. So, I have avoided this site, because it was proof that Bill was gone, just like I have been avoiding friends...

My reality check happened before when my daughter was leaving to go out with friends and said "Mom, Dad is not coming back and your avoiding everyone is not going to change that - please call Nancy (one of my closest friends) and get together with her soon. Also, please at least return the messages from your other friends, I am getting pretty worried about you". Then she hugged me and said that I should remember that her Dad was still very close, just not in the same way.

So, I guess I am back among the living...

Susan

P.S. Michelle, Happy Belated birthday, sorry it brought you sad feelings... I am sure I will be a complete mess on my birthday, since Bill passed three weeks after my last one and he wrote to me "I will always be there for you - As we get old, we will get old together"..." How I wish that was a promise he could have kept...

[rodless]

Was thinking earlier today how sucky life has become then got together with friends and had some belly laughs this evening so feeling better now. Up & down. Up & down. This grief thing is tiring and tiresome... I want it over!

Susan, sometimes we need to draw into ourselves as we adjust, at least I have found that true for me. I have gone through times where it was much harder to be with other people than just to be by myself with thoughts of Rod. I have been so lucky to have friends who understand where I'm at (like tonight)and I usually feel better after being around them. I have one who is also going through her second year and we laugh and cry as needed. So if you can find someone like that, you may find it helpful.

Michele, birthdays are just part of the sucky side of life and I know how you feel. Despite all the efforts made by family & friends, it isn't enough when you miss that special someone being there. And then to add another year to your age on top of it....ugh.

Hot hot hot here. Sick and tired of that too. Oh well, as Scarlett O'Hara said...tomorrow is another day. Mary Jo

[samrtb]

im freaking out. tonight i tried to be normal for my age. you know, 25. i treid to go out for my friends birthday. i took shots and danced and had fun. except i didnt really. i needed to go home after a couple hours. and of course, my friends, welll intentioned, wouldn't let me. i just needed to be by myself. to mourn russ. to feel close to him. i hate this. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i know i am being juvenille, that others have it far worse than me. but i hate this. i would give anything to have him back. i dont understand why he is gone. im sorry im a mess. thanks for listening.

[armaiti]

Steph I always try to have an alternate way "out" from a place, as I know sometimes I just need to leave. Your friends aren't being helping if they make you stay when you are miserable, and they need to understand that. It just makes it worse for us when we really need to be alone and others keep trying to force being "normal" again on us. I'm sorry you had such a hard time.

In a couple of hours I'll be off to Sufi Camp for a week, so I won't be back on here until a week from Monday, I don't think there's any wireless service where the camp is, but I'll check. I'll have my laptop to journal on anyway. I've been feeling just kind of gray and flat in life lately. I haven't had Ishaq in my dreams or contacting me as frequently as before and it makes me sad and feel even more lonely. One of his students told me she had a dream with him and asked him what he was doing now and he said studying music and dong concentration practices. So I know on some level that he is doing stuff on the other side/dimension or wherever, and not always available to me, but it's hard. I'm also really tired a lot and not remembering my dreams as well, so sometimes I'm not sure if I dreamt to him or not...like last night, I have a vague recolletion of him maybe being in a dream, but I can't remember. Maybe being at camp and doing spiritual practices all week will help, I hope so.

I hope you all are doing ok, and have the best week you can,

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[sweetwilliam]

Hope your week at Sufi Camp is refreshing, Anna.

Steph, I know how difficult it is when well intentioned friends are trying to keep you out. The main reason none of them "get it", is that they have not suffered this huge loss, as you have. I try really hard to remember that, but I know that is the main reason I back away from even leaving my comfort zone. You are so much younger than most going through this, that makes it all the harder. I am 55, and I do not have one close friend that has lost the love of her life through death. I do have many that are divorced, but that is such a different level of loss.

So, I guess I have a question for all of you - do you find yourself not doing things you enjoyed with the one you loved (and lost) because of the "pay back" that happens later? To explain what I mean is that while we may be with family or friends, seem to have a pretty good time or at least be distracted from our grief for awhile, then when it is over, you have a flood of roller coaster feelings - the kind that just exhaust you? Does this happen to any of the rest of you? I think this is the reason I have been second guessing whether to even leave the house most days...

Susan

[jcruzgirl]

Samrt,

I was reading your post and you do NOT need to apologize for missing Russ. You need to give yourself time to heal and time to grieve. I lost my fiance on 11/12/05 and believe me, I am still a mess at times. He was EVERYTHING to me. I went out recently and like you wanted to leave almost as soon as I got there. It will soon be 2 years since he died and I am still trying to figure it all out. I know that for myself talking to others that lost a love like I did helped me a lot. My so called "friends" moved on in life cause I was not ready to... My true friends are still with me today. I lost many when James died cause I could not function as myself for a long time. Now things are not easy, but easier. If that makes any sense?? I know that James will ALWAYS be a part of my life and I have so many beautiful memories of he and us and can cherish those forever. I also believe that in time we will be together again. Not here of course, but in the great life beyond...

I pray that you will allow yourself to grieve and not be influenced by how "others" feel you should be...

Hugs,

Trish

[mishknit]

I'm sure i'm too late to wish anna a nice trip..but i hope it turns out well for you.

steph, i too, always have an escape route....self-preservation! I usually drive everywhere i go, for one, and if i drive with someone else, they have qgreed to leave when i want to....i have some good friends. I was at the hollywood bowl last night..had a great time, but it woried me because once you're parked there..you have to stay! but i loved it, it was a great night. Something tom and our son and i did many times each summer with a group of friends. and last simmer i went alone for the first time...and (don't tell!) but I scattered some ashes there in our favorite area of seats (not IN the seats..bushes by them!) so now, when i go, i can say hi, and so many of the people that go know too..so it's cool.

off the subject....so, if you can protect yourswlf, then goung out and hanging with friends can be great, but to be stuck is horrible.

and susan..i guess i kind of answered your question..i do things all the time we used to do, hang with friends, go places. I don't find (at almost 19 months) that those things send me over the bend anymore. sometimes i'll get a little weepy, but then, i get a little weepy about a lot of things. on the way to the concert last night, alone, i began crying..i missed tom, i wished he was there..it lasted a couple of minutes, and then i got excited about seeing the group and the show..and i stopped crying. tom would want me to go, tom would want me to be happy..i don't feel any guilt, except that weird "why am i alive and he's dead" guilt which is sorta nuts, i think.in my case, anyway. I haven't had a date yet...we'll see if that one gets me! lol!

anyway....i hope you're all having a better day, a day, a decent day.....

peace,

michele

[mishknit]

i promise...in my next life i'll learn to type....

or at least have the patience to check for typos!

michele

[samrtb]

Hi....thanks everyone for replying. im just so tired of having to fight for people to understand me. its like, russ's death isnt hard enough? now i have to fight with my friends just so they understand? one of my roommates, and supposed best friend since we were about 16, told me a few weeks ago she didnt want to hear about russ anymore. that was pretty upsetting, and then she comes into my room this morning and says "you know, you can talk to me about him, i like hearing about him, but only in moderation, ok?" i was like, am i supposed to be grateful for that? i can be sad but only some of the time? if i had my wish i wouldnt ever be sad, and if i was, my friends would support me regardless. its to the point that im afraid to go out now. because sometimes the grief just hits me. and i cant help it, and its awful being in public, crying and missing him. hence last night. but you're right anna and michelle, i need to start planning in advance my way out. and to me its so sad that any of us have to that. friends should be there to support us, right? we shouldnt have to come up with plans to escape if we're sad, they should be who we turn to in the first place. its like, i realize taht none of them have been through this. and i know logically, they arent bad people, that they just dont understand. but knowing that and behaving according that realization are two totally different things.

and susan, to answer your question, that absolutely happens to me. part of me feels guilty for having a good time, sad that he doesn't get to experienc eit. and then ill think about how a year ago, he would have been with me, or i would have been going home to him, or calling him with something funny that happened while i was out.....i just keep thinking how he was here. and that sets off a whole bunch of emotions. but i hate the unpredictability (if thats a word!) of it all. i wish i could know when i was goin to have a bad night and just stay in. instead of the embarrassment of sitting in the corner of a bar sobbing.

but again thank you all so much for your replies and adivice. I hope everyone is doing well, and anna if you see this have a good trip!

steph

[rodless]

Susan, I had trouble at first coming home after time with friends or family because the house was empty or feeling bad when I was doing something because Rod wasn't there to share it. I'm better now (at 13 months) and find I can do a lot of things ok. I still miss him but I guess I am slowly adjusting.. which we all do at our own pace. The good thing about this board is finding out you're not crazy or weird because someone here has felt the same way at some time. MAry JO

[missyouhoney811]

Hi Everyone, I had a wonderful time in Vegas. The slots payed off to me each night. The shows were excellent - "The Thunder from Down Under" were Aussie male strippers (done with class they did not take all their clothes off). FANTASTIC AND BEAUTIFUL. Our table was in the middle directly in front of the steps where they came off stage......slipping, sliding on our table (Celeste and I were across from one another). The one dancer stopped in front of Celeste bent over (I have the butt end) pulled his pants, and off they came with that he bent over, head between his legs --- looking me in the eye - smiled, winked, blew me a kiss and cupped my face in his hands. OH MY GOD WAS HE BEAUTIFUL..........

We did a lot of shopping. I stopped at one of the stores and hanging on the wall was the same clock that I have at home. I went in the store around the clock their were butterflies. Of course I had to play the music.....John was in Vegas with me.

My new found friend ended up being a good traveling partner even though she was not a gambler. She was actually thankful that I asked her to go with me. We got along just fine.

Coming home on 8/11 I talked to John up in the sky. I will always miss and love him forever and ever. I also know that he would want me to have fun and laugh again. He was never selfish to me nor was I to him.

One bad thing on the trip.....I became sick infection in my lungs and I picked up a bug called desert fever..I went to the clinic ... got xrays and medication. It did not keep me from having fun. I have to call my doctor in the morning so I can see him later this week for follow up.......I hope all are doing well.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

What ever happened to our chat on Thursday evenings and the possible trip to Sedona, AZ............

Any news on the above or did we decide against it?

My next trip is the wedding in Austin Texas (9/15). I leave Pittsburgh on 9/13 and return 9/17.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[amberi]

Welcome back Dorothy sounds like a wonderful trip, glad to hear you had fun, you deserve it. Dont know what happened to the chats I signeed on the website and it told me I had to wait for a reply and never got one. I am leaving to DC and Boston at the end of Sept. I cant wait to get out of town for a little while but that is the week after Alex's b-day so I may not be happy by then.

Steph-thanks so much for your support hope things are getting better for you.

I have great news, I got the restraining order granted against Alex's cousin. and Alex's sister e-mailed me yestrday morning and said she wants peace and misses us. I dont want to get my hopes up but it did make for a great Mon. after a crappy weekend.

Anna-hope Sufi Camp is going well, I am having the same kind of dream issue, I feel like I might have had a dream about him but cant remember. But I wake up feeling all warm and cozy inside. Im hopeing it is him hugging me in the morning the way we used to.

hope all is having a good day.

amber

[rodless]

Dorothy, wow...guess you showed Las Vegas! Good for you!

I have a new roof over my head and am hoping the gutter guys get here before we have any more rainstorms. What a hassle.. shingles pieces all over as well as more nails than I want to think about. My stress level should go down a little now.

Spent 2 days at a computer workshop out of town and only cried twice while driving there and back. What is there about driving that makes it so hard? I am always watching the clouds and then I think about "up there" or heaven or whatever etc. etc. The next thing I know I'm a mess. I keep a stash of Rod's soft old bandanas in the jeep just for that.

Hope all is ok with everyone and Anna is having a good week at camp. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Amber.. good to hear something positive is happening for you. I also have those dreams once in awhile where I wake up and can't remember if Rod was in them but feel comforted somehow. I wish I could have one about him that I could remember clearly. Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, I also have to call a repair man to take care of the gutters and trim around the house. I am so thankful my neighbor takes care of the yard. Once I get well again I'll take pictures of the van and wheelchairs and put them in the Disabled Dealer Magazine................it is time.

I went to my doctor yesterday. I am so thankful I was on the first medication before I went to Vegas if not a lot of people would have been sick because of me. I have pneumonia, desert fever and yesterday the doctor said I also have mono. He was happy with drug the Vegas Doctor put me on as he stated "the big guns of medication" I should start to feel better within the next four weeks. He agrees with me the main bug was picked up in New York City. Last night I slept for twelve hours without waking and coughing. The very first night. So I guess I am slowly getting back to being healthy.

Mary Jo, I remember when John first became paralyzed. I had to do all the driving from that point. I did miss sitting as a passenger so now when I drive it does not bother me. Although, in the van I still look for him in my rear view mirror. Another reason I must sell the van.

I had a dream about John last night. He was in Harmarville (Rehab) and I came by to sneak him out to go to a restaurant. I remember dressing him in the dark. It was a funny and good dream. I'll always miss him.

My son is going this week to pick up Sherman's ashes and picture. I can't do it.

Very tired..........I'am going back to bed. Take Care.

Prayers and Blessings.

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I don't know how many states have the POWER BALL LOTTERY.............food for thought it is worth $210 Million............Someone had to win.......

[amberi]

Wow sounds like we are all doing house maintenance. I’m puttin on a deck, painting my house and clearing a Red Tag. yuk!

Thanks Mary Jo, yep really glad there is some positive going on. Sun. will be Alex's 3mo. cant believe its been that long since I've held him and then I cant believe its only been three months that all this crap has been going on. Hope that didnt offend anyone, I dont want it to sound like I want time to go faster or what ever I hope you all understand what I’m talkin about.

Dorothy so glad your back and hope that medicine starts working and you get all better soon. I know its going to be hard for you with Sherman's ashes but remember you are strong and we are all here for you.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Its Fri. and oh yeah my computer comes next week so hopefully I can finally do a chat if we have one but at least then I can read post on the weekend, Sat(thats the day Al passed) are normally hard for me emotion wise so I think it will help me.

take care all.

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

wow things are quiet here!

I have been laying low as my DH crazy webstalking family are no doubt lurking here. ugh! (I have proof from my blog footprints showing me when they googled for "Aprilmoonflower" just as recently as last week. amd this site comes up in those searches ah well..I don't really CARE but I am annoyed none the less. I could add more but I won't waste my time!

anyway, yes lets do a chat Thurs!! I am still up for sedona but it will have to be next winter/spring due to school/finances/etc! what do you all think? lets plan it! btw can those of you interested email me about this as I don't feel comfortable discussing it here due to the above situation! (az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces!)

[missinmyhubby]

Hello all.....

Long time no type.. I have been reading...just not able to sit and post. We are in our new house in Miss. It is very pretty here. We still have a lot of unpacking left to do. However, it's coming along. The kids started school last Monday and so far so good. One has a new job already, another had a friend over lastnight...Kids are so resilient it is amazing. They of course miss their friends in Florida, and I am careful not to overlook that sadness. I have been off since last Saturday so I could help get everyone settled and go back to the last of my training this Tuesday. We are almost done!!! Mark is still looking for a job, but has some interviews lined up for this week coming. One is for Pepsi and another is for a welding job here locally. He was offered another working for a cable company, but there is no set hours and six days a week. Unfortunately, those shifts and hours confict with the rest of our schedule way too much....somebody has to be here for the kids.

Anyway, enough about all that. I have something I have been busting at the seams to get on here and write about!!! Before unloading the truck we were doing a walk through of the house to see where we wanted to start putting things. This house was obviously totally empty. Although, it had been sitting for awhile so it was pretty dusty inside. As the boys started unloading the truck into the new den and living room, Mark and I were in the master bedroom cleaning out the cobwebs. As you walk across the room, on the other side you have a closet on each side of the room, you go through a door that opens into a vanity area. To the right is a counter with one sink and an area for a chair, and next to that a bunch of drawers. To the left you have a HUGE walk-in closet that is almost big enough to be another room. In the walk in closet is the biggest shoe rack that wraps around the entire baseboard of the floor that I have ever seen, a built in shelfing area for towels or what have you, and enough space to hang an entire clothing store on. Then beyond this vanity/closet area is a set of french doors that opens into the actual bathroom. This bathroom has a huge shower, more linen closets, a garden/jacuzzi tub, and of course the toilet. Now, I explained all that to you to give you an idea of how big this master bed/bath is. There was not a single thing in it. So, Mark and I start in the bedroom cleaning the baseboards, window sills, vacuum the carpet, make sure the closests are washed down. Then we moved into the vanity/closet area. We washed down the mirror, countertop, drawers, and the big closet with all its shelving. Well, as Mark was dusting the shelf above all the clothes rack he runs across this coin. NOW MIND YOU...THERE IS NOT ANOTHER ITEM IN THIS HOUSE ANYWHERE before we started moving our belongings in. He reads the coin and then looks at me watching him. He opened my hand and placed the coin in mine and kissed me on top of my head and then went back to quitely cleaning the shelf. So, naturally I look at what he put in my hand. On the front of the coin are hearts around the edge, a tiny cross on the top center with a dove and a butterfly on each side and below it reads "In Loving Memory." On the back on the very top center is one very small heart. Underneath that reads, "Gone, yet not forgotten, although we are apart, your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart." I looked back up at Mark who just looked at me, tousled my hair, kissed me on top of my head again, looked me square in the eyes and very quitely said, "He's still here for you." He then hugged me and said, "Let's get to cleaning shall we." I wish I could explain the energy in the room at the time...just amazing...The coin sits on my side of the bathroom sink now perched up on the lip of the counter top. My kids saw it their and questioned me about it. When I told them what happened, it blew their minds away as well. Anyway, just thought I would share that one with you all.

This coming Friday is 4 years. It has been a long four years. I don't know if saying it has gotten easier is the right way to put it, I have just learned to accept it more.

Love and hugs to all...I miss you!!!!

Angel

[aprilmoonflower]

Angel- wow! that gave me chills!

[missyouhoney811]

His spirit is still with you................God Bless You

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I got the pictures of Sherman. He looks so beautiful but also sad. I can't believe he posed for the picture on a Saturday and died on Sunday. I was thinking if he would have got sick for me while in the crate.............no way could I have got him out to put him in the car to take him to the doggie hospital. They say things happen for a reason, maybe so, it does not mean we must accept them. The Camp Bow Wow called John Robert. The man that took the pictures found out about Sherman last week. He made a extra large portrait of Sherman and framed it completely at his expense. John Robert will pick the picture up later today. My son went to get the ashes yesterday only to find out they were closed. I guess I'll do it this week. My son goes leaves for his monthly New York trip tomorrow.

I might try to return dog food. I have a 35 pound bag not opened and also a case and half of moist food.........not to mention the bags of treats. I am sure they will take it back......if not I can donate to Camp Bow Wow.......

I hope everyone has a good day.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

My fingers are having problems connecting to the brain.......sorry for the error AGAIN...........GOES LEAVES......very happy we understand each other.

Take Care,

Dorothy

[lindat]

Angel, Very cool!! I am in MI - just arrived Wednesday - and I am staying with my sister that I told you about a long time ago. When I read your post to her, she said that it is always a blessing to receive such a strong message. I was almost in tears, just trying to read it. She still has the dreams of John #1 returning and wanting to come home, she sends him away. Always hard to do, but she is dealing with it better as the years go by - and current husband John is so supportive of her.

Michele, Having a wonderful time, you were so right, not a worry after all!!! We had an awesome time together on Wednesday and Thursday. He asked me if I would take him to his Dr. appointments next week. I am also doing a high school reunion this next weekend and he will be taking me as his date. I am worried about the future, but enjoying today tremendously - and have faith that tomorrow will take care of itself in the best way possible. He has a biopsy scheduled for Sept. 12th and we should have the results by the end of Sept. He has a new Dr. and is more confident in this one, so we shall see what happens.

My family has been very supportive, but I know they are worried that I will be hurt again. I have told them that I have to risk it, because I wouldn't be living if I was motivated by fear. Life is very good right now, taking one day at a time.....

Peace to you all...

Linda

[justamom]

Hi everybody, it has been a while since I posted but I read all of the time. Angel what a GREAT story! I am so happy for you - it sounds like a great house too.

Dorothy, I am so sorry about Sherman, what did he die of? That is so sweet that you got a big portrait of him. I saved our Labs ashes with Steve's, man and Dog togehter you know?!

Linda, I am so happy for you. Have a great time and I will be thinking of you and your friend for his doctor visits and biopsy - Keep us posted!

I had a rough weeknd. Steve's best friend, who was also in the accident with us, got married yesterday. He had my boys be in the wedding. They were so sweet and excited. Everyone gushed all over them. But I was so sad! The wedding thing. Oh! Michele, I don't know how you do it. I really felt like I just wanted to run screaming from room to room. I hadn't seen alot of his friend since his birthday last year so like 15 months and they all went on about how they miss us, and wish we were around more, but then several of them gave me grief for not calling them!? I know, that no body gets it but come on? I just felt like such an outsider. I just don't really belong anymore. ANd I don't know if I will "fit in" with them ever again. It was blatantly obvious to me that Steve wasn't there and it was so painful, I couldn't even believe how much it hurt. We were supposed to stay for a while today but my "fun meter" was pegged and I just wanted to come home. Does it ever end? I am going back to see my therapist this weeknd and hopefully I can get my head back together. I am so tired of all of it. 19 months and sometimes it feels like yesterday all over again. At least my boys are here to keep me occupied. Apparently, my sons 5th grade teacher has a tendency to "tap" them with a yard stick - so I am on that tomorrow! Hope you are all doing okay. Take care, Lisa

[mishknit]

Linda..

that is such good news!~I am excited for you abnd wondeering when we'd hear about "him". I think you have exactly the right attitude about being hurt again. My feeling is the worst has happaned...nothing couod be as bad, and we're surviving, right? good luck with his biopsy, and please keep posting!

Dororthy, so glad you got the pic of sherman...how sweet of that man to do that for you.

Lisa...i really had to make a switch in my mind in order to keep doing weddings. I have to focus on my ability to make the day go well for the couiple, and send thwm off on, hopefully, the kind of hapiness tom and i had. THAT BEING SAID......my son and I are flying to MN for a family (tom's family) wedding the last weekend os sept. and today i heard there's going to be another one in april...all good news, and a great way to see his family in a happy, contained environment (they really are great..but, you know....)

BUT>>>>>i won't be working these weddings, i will be a guest, without my tom. when people dance, who will i dance with? who will i sit with? he always sang at all the family weddings....who's going to sing this time? I'm tearing up just thinking about this. See, the difference is that this will be personal....and so i completely understand your feelings lisa...and i think you all can see how the DOING is far easier than the GOING! ugh.....

Angel, amazing story....thanks for sharing it. and whenever you write about mark..i just se what a special guy he is and how understanding he is..that is so great.

Anna..looking forward to hearing about your camp, hope it was a good experience.

peace all, michele

[armaiti]

Hi everyone, I'm totally exhausted so can't reply to everyone yet, but I'm back from Sufi Camp and it was a great week! I wasn't so sure the first week, I was tired and missing Ishaq and a lot of other stuff was coming up, but by the end of the week I felt completely recharged and inspired to keep telling my story about Ishaq and my "out of the box" way of dealing with death and our continuing relationship, and I also sold over $900 worth of my art at the camp bazaar! I got so much validation and appreciation both of my art and of the way I am dealing with being at one with Ishaq still and it was wonderful. But I am totally wiped out from organizing the musicians all week, selling at the bazaar and working on our camp recording project, and leading music for Ishaq's birthday night and singing at our late night Rumi Cafe...whew! Cats are all happy to see me and the landlord took care of the wasps, I've had a bath and I am soon off to bed! I'll write again soon,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Lisa, Sherman died of lung and spline cancer. I had no knowledge that he was sick. I took him to Camp Bow Wow on a Tuesday (my trip to New York) while at the airport coming back home from New York they called from the animal hospital. They did CPR twice ended up on a vent. He died before I came home. I was away for five days....never knew my dog was sick. I guess John needed him in heaven. I now have no reason to come home. Totally free and it sucks. Take care of yourself and try to keep your spirits up.....

Michele, the large picture is beautiful. I also received similar size with five different pictures of Sherman. Picture left and right top bottom left and right in the center is a larger picture. Separating in between the pictures is black background with paw prints and the background is actually a cross. Underneath the picture in the middle they have the name SHERMAN gold print. I sure do miss him. It was so sudden.

God Bless all of you.

Dorothy

[missinmyhubby]

April - Did I read you are going back to school?

Dorothy - I do believe that is one of the stronger times I have felt him present. I am so sorry to hear about Sherman. That was indeed very nice of the gentleman to present you with such a nice gift...I hope it brings you some joy in the sadness.

Linda - If your sister would ever like to talk, she can email me anytime at wayoutofcg@yahoo.com. I hope you have a wonderful time on your visit!!! I still don't dream of him However, that experience was incredible to say the least. I agree with Michelle regarding your man. Keep your chin up!! I still believe it was better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I will keep both of you in my prayers.

Lisa - I am sorry to hear you had such a rough time at the wedding The house is awesome!!

Michelle - Thank you, he is wonderful to me and so very understanding!! As for your upcoming trip...I know nothing can take Tom's place at the weddings. Maybe you could dance with your son? As for who to sit with and who will sing...Do you have any videos of Tom singing before that you can bring with you and share, or do you think that would be inappropriate??? Just some ideas. I wish you all the best...for whatever that is worth when we face these kind of heart wrenching trials. I will be thinking of you!

Anna - I can't wait to hear all about camp!!! Sounds like it turned out good!!!

I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind words. I still think without all of you, I would be so lost still. Thank you!!!!!

I am on my way to bed...I get to leave tonight at 1 a.m. to head out for the last part of this training. I am jumpseating (observing) for the next 2 weeks and then doing the rest of my IOE (Initial Operation Experience) for a week after that. Then I will become full fledged with the company. We are almost there!!!!!

I have redone my myspace account...it is temporarily set up as a memorial for DH. I have opened it to the public should anyone want to go and see. I have also updated the vids on there too! Hope you all enjoy!!!

See ya soon!!!! Big (((((HUGS)))))

Peace,

Angel

[missinmyhubby]

LOL...P.S. The link to the site is myspace.com/wayoutofcg

How silly of me...sorry...drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[justlost]

I don't think My first message posted, but my name is Morgan and I am 18.

My boyfriend Greg and I had been together since high-school. We spent every minute together and became each-others best friends. We saw each-other extremely often, and if not, we talked every day. We were inseparable. High school sweethearts. He was my first love. We were going to be together. We talked frequently about moving in together and having children as soon as we were done with our education. I had actually told my mom, this is the man I plan on being with for the rest of my life. I think Greg thought the same way. He told me he could never imagine being with anyone else, and that when he saw his future, I was the one that would be in it. After everything happened, my assumptions were verified. My parents thought we were going to stay together, his parents did to. His dad even told me, "I knew you were meant for each-other." Even people on my church said the same thing. It was the real deal. We were going to get married. Someday.

This is what happened to me...

On August 8, 2007 My beautiful boyfriend, of 2 1/2 years,Greg went with his friends to the tail races to go swimming. All but one jumped in, and all four of the ones that jumped in came back up. But Greg went back down and was never seen since. As soon as they saw Greg was gone, his friends called the police and searched everywhere they could until the police came.

This is what happened.

Greg went over to Jesse's house and the five boys went to Piccolo's to eat. He had eaten a hot dog and some fries. Then they went over to the dam around six. While walking over there, Jesse had asked him how I was doing. He told Jesse that I was doing great and that he missed me already. Jesse said he teased him a little about that comment out of fun. They talked about a trip that Jesse said he and his girlfriend Katie were going on that Greg had planned it as a surprise that me and him would go on Sunday with them to Carrowinds. I hadn't even known about it yet. Then when they got to where they were going to jump. Greg had told Jesse jokingly that he had watched baywatch enough to save him if anything had happened. So all of the boys jumped in except for Brad. All of them came back up. Jesse said since he was one of the last to jump in, he was swimming fast to catch up with Ben When he looked back for a split second, Greg was gone. He asked Patrick what had happened and Patrick said that Greg just got pulled under like a cork all of a sudden with no noise or anything. They searched for a long time for him, they searched directly below where he was pulled under right after it happened but still did not find him.

They searched for his body for three horrible days. On the third day, they found it by helicopter. I was listed as one of his survivors. I was asked personally by his mom to sit beside her at the wake and funeral. His funeral was August 14, 2007, Which would have been our 2 1/2 year anniversary to the day. They actually posted the story again in the paper today on the front page as always. It gave me a little relapse. I wish they wouldn't do it, but I guess since it was such a huge story, they had no choice.

I just don't know what to do now. I couldn't go to the four year University I was enrolled in. I am now full time student at the local community college. I miss him so much. Just thinking about his memory, makes me sad. I can't even imagine how I could ever love anyone else as much or have that connection with them. I am in therapy, but I wanted to talk to other people who had lost a partner. What is there to do? I try to go out with my friends, I take every distraction I can. It's just at night when it gets worse. I talk in my sleep, and I don't know what I say. I dream about him every night. That makes it hard to even want to sleep. I'm afraid of it sometimes. How do I avoid the constant reminders like the news paper, it was even on tv.

Am I taking positive steps? How can I ever straighten everything out, inclusing my feelings?

[lauraa]

Morgan:

OMG....I am so sorry for what has happened to you and Greg. You have come to the right place to talk about your feelings. You can say anything you are feeling and we all will support you. There are so many stages to this grieving process and it is not easy but talking and letting it out, especially with people who really know what you are going through helps. Take it one day at a time and even one minute at a time. Honor whatever it is that you are feeling. I also lost my HS sweetheart and he is the only man I have ever loved or was ever with.....I know my husband would not want me to be sad so after I have my meltdowns I think of that and it helps. You have a very tragic story and you are so young to have your heart broken like this. No-one does. At first the nights were the roughest for me and then the days were so difficult that I started looking forward to going to bed just to get away from it all. I am in counseling and it is my own place to let it all out. I am sure you have found that people don't really know what to say or do and I mostly have found that as time has gone on. They just can't deal with death, saddness and seeing us so overwhelming sad. You hang in there and we will all bee here for you. Remember, Greg is closer to you than your own heart! Keep talking to the people that you get the most comfort from because they are the ones who truely love you.

Your in my heart and prayers.

[justlost]

I just wanted to add a little more...

I don't know how to avoid people about this anymore. I tell people, yes I had something tramatic happen in my life, thats why I am here still in my hometown. Then they are all like oh yeah, I know about that. Then I think, well of course you have, it's been on the newspaper paper front page 3 times and was on the tv for 4 days in a row! I am sure. I don't know how to deal with such a publisized thing. Everyone knows, and I feel like people are treating me differently.

I don't know how to walk the halls of my new college, see his classmates, and wish he was there to. His classmates stop me sometimes and ask me how I'm doing. Which is nice to see how much they care.

[justlost]

Thanks laurra. I am glad to have seen that there are other people that relate. I hope that one day I will be able to find a boy I will be able to feel so strongly about in the future. Just not now I guess. I can't really think of dating.

[armaiti]

Morgan, I am so sorry for your loss. Don't even worry about dating or anything like that so soon! My spiritual teachers told me in the beginning that I should take one year, one full walk around the sun, to grieve this loss, more if I need it. It is just over one year for me, and I still miss my Ishaq every day.

You say you dream about him every night, and it makes it hard to want to sleep. He may be trying to speak to you, to let you know he still loves you where he is now. I dream about Ishaq frequently and they are very healing dreams. You don't say what the dreams are like, but you might picture as you go to sleep just being with him in a good place, a loving place, so you can speak to each other. Ishaq also died very suddenly, and in the water - he had a blood clot and was laughing one minute and gone the next. I think when someone leaves so suddenly they may want to communicate to say those things they didn't have a chance to say. I don't know what your personal beliefs are around life after death, so I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable by saying these things. My spiritual paths are Sufism and Native American, and both are very comfortable with the idea of communication with those who no longer have a body, but still continue in a different form.

Keep coming here, there are other young people here as well who can help as well. This is a huge loss and the only way you can keep going is just to take baby steps. Greg will always be with you.

Blessings,

Anna

[justlost]

Armaiti, I do talk to him all the time. I believe he hears me when I say, hey Greg, I need to have these conversations with you. I talk to him about how I feel, and what I am doing. I thought I was a little crazy for doing so, but not anymore. I saw little things that let me know he was there for me. When I do dream about him, It is always loving. He is always telling me nice things and comforting me. It just scares me because I am afraid it will make me sad when I wake up, which it what is always does. I don't mind the dreams, and I love seeing him, I just don't want to cry every morning.

[missinmyhubby]

Morgan - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I like how Anna gets to see Ishaq in her dreams. I wish I could see my DH in mine. People on here know that is the one thing I don't seem to be able to do...dream of him. If I do, I don't ever remember. However, we all know that everyone of us on here grieve in so many different ways. This is all so new for you. You need to do this how you see fit, not anyone else. If one day at a time doesn't work, try one hour, if that doesn't work, try one minute. I am sorry you have to come here to us, but you have found the best place imaginable for support through the journey you have been forced to endure.

For everyone else - I just went on to check email before jumping into my night of work. I found a little inspirational quote I thought I would share...

"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

Peace and love to all...see ya this weekend!!!

Angel

[missingcurtis]

Hello, It has been a long time since I have posted on here. I see some names that are familiar plus alot of new ones.

Just to catch everyone up, it has been 20 long months since Curtis passed away. We were married for 36 years and did not have any children. We both always seemed OK with that but now after being left alone to deal with everything, it is hard.

I moved about 5 months after he died, back to my old home town. I have 5 sisters who live here. But it does not make up for missing him. At first they invited me over for meals but then it got old. They don't call and invite me over very often anymore. I guess since I am 57 and capable of taking care of myself, they just figure I am doing ok.

I went to work part-time last summer and then full-time in October. But I lost my job last month. That is nothing next to losing a husband but it still hurts. Right now I am taking a much needed vacation before I go job hunting again. I think at my age now, I want to look for something fun to do. Is there such a job?

I am sorry for everyone's loss and the reason you are here. But I know that there are a lot of supportive people on here.

Debbie...............Missing Curtis

[precioustams]

Morgan I am soooo sorry for your loss…I too lost the love of my life. I am only 23, Joseph and I had been together for almost 3 years, we were engaged to be married, we put off the wedding till I was farther in school since I am almost done with my Nursing degree, but the wedding was planned in its entirety, Everything paid for and done, in fact my wedding dress is still in my closet because I don’t have the strength to deal with selling it right now. Joseph has been gone for a little over 4 months now, he died unexpectedly in his sleep on the couch overnight from an enlarged heart, I found him and gave him CPR but he was already too far gone. Since I was in classes at the time of his death, I too have people that treat me different. The entire college of Nursing knows my story and everyone in my class except one person treat me differently, they stare and whisper and avoid eye contact with me even to this day, (today being my first day back at classes since last semester). I know it hurts for people to treat u differently, I still have a hard time with it, but all I can think is that they don’t know what to say or do, they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, I don’t think they mean anything by it, sometimes I wish they could just understand though. I think the fact that u have dreams of him is wonderful, I have yet to dream about Joseph…I have actually not had a single dream since the day he died. If u ever need someone to talk to I am here, I don’t write too much but I do read the other posts, the ladies on here are really kind.

On another note, I was wondering if any of you had problems sleeping. As some of u know I found Joseph the next morning, I had gone to bed without him because he wanted to stay up and finish a game and then found him at 5am. Ever since I have not been able to sleep, it’s the falling asleep part that I have trouble with, I’m afraid something else will happen if I let myself fall asleep. I usually have to reach the stage of complete exhaustion, like 4am or later then I finally fall asleep but I don’t stay asleep very long. The first 2 months I couldn’t sleep at all and had to take over the counter sleeping pills. I was afraid of getting addicted to them so I stopped, but now I have the problem falling asleep. I just started classes again and that means early morning clinicals, have to be at the hospital at 6:45am and I can’t keep getting such little sleep, does anyone have any suggestions, I’m really up for anything, I just really want to sleep and I need to be well rested for my own health as well as for my nursing course load, 3rd semster is suppose to be the hardest semester.

Thanks, Tamara

[armaiti]

Tamara, there is a homeopathic remedy called "Quietude" by Boiron. It's completely non-addictive and I found it very helpful when I couldn't sleep. I also took Melatonin which would help sometimes as well. Both should help you rest without the groggy after effect of the chemical sleeping pills, and both are non-addictive. Hope this helps.

The house is so quiet tonight! Ishaq's sister and her husband are off on another adventure, and I'm back in the house alone after a week spent with 140 other people, most of who knew and loved Ishaq as well. It was wonderful to be there. Our Sufi Camp is in a wonderful site that has cabins and a beautiful swimming hole, and old growth cedar trees. We played lots of music and did lots of spiritual practices and listened to inspirational people and had a lot of fun as well as deep time. It does feel strange though to be back here without Ishaq here and to be here all alone again. I'm still pretty tired and hoping to feel more rested tomorrow...it's always kind of tiring coming back. Ishaq and I used to go to another Sufi campout over Labor Day, but it is down in Northern California and just so far away, so I'm not going to it this year. I tried to go last year, a friend drove me and it just didn't work too well, as the whole trip I just remembered being with Ishaq at this place or that beach and it was just too heart wrenching. So this year I'll stay home. Our band is playing the following week and we have rehearsals anyway, so I have a good excuse to stay home.

Blessings,

Anna

[lauraa]

Morgan:

Be gentle with yourself sweetheart! It is o.k. if you cry every morning. I think you need to allow yourself to do that. Give yourself permission. That is what I did. I found that holding it all in just caused me to have alot of anxiety. I also have a traumatic story which caused me to experience Post Traumatic Stress. I couldn't sleep and would wake up in a panic throughout the night. After two years of taking benadyl myself I finally gave in and went to my doctor for help. She is wonderful and helped me understand that I needed help dealing with all that was on my plate. For the most part I am a naturalist and holistic but I truely needed to integrate the both together to get the proper rest I needed to manage my daily life with kids. She was very calming and reassured me that the med was addicting but she would help me when it was time to stop it. I trust her. And, I am very caustious. There is a time and place for everything. Only you can decide what is best for you. Sometimes, we need someone totally objective to help us see what we need in our time of turmoil. You do need sleep to keep up with your clinical (I am an RN). It is extremely demanding. Bless your heart and keep talking.

I had a dream early on about my husband. He was standing with me at his casket and he looked at me and said, "I am not there". It was strong and vivid. The message from him is that his spirit lives on with me and is always with me.....it helped tremendously.

[amberi]

Hi All,

wow really sad to see new names, Morgan my prayers go out to you and Greg's family. My husband Alex passed away three months ago. I understand how hard it is to stay in the same town but also wanting to stay. Alex was born and raised in my town and I am from back east. the first thing I wanted to do was move home, but I couldnt it wouldnt be fair to my kids. But everyone acting different is really hard I think it was Anna or maybe Angel who said something about people having a hard time dealing with someone who had such a big loss. Ithey told me that when I first posted here two weeks after Al died and they were so right on about everything. People I think get scared and sometimes act like death is contagious. Try not to worry about others and focus on you and your healing. I know its hard, if I hadnt found this board I dont think I would still be here. They are sweet and caring people, and when you want to cuss the world out we are right here to support you, we all have days of yelling, crying, whatever we have to and no one takes it the wrong way. Hang in there, I agree nights are the hardest for me too.

Sending you lots of support and ((((HUGS))))

Tamara - I too cannot sleep and Im not sure what it is, but Idont fall asleep till about 2-3am and then the alarm goes off at 5:30. I know its from all the stress going on but it also makes the emotions more touchy. I have taken Benadryl that helps but not always.

Take care all of you.

amber

[amberi]

Oh yeah,

Angel- OMG that was so amazing and how great it is that you have a new man that is so great and understanding. It gave me chills and excitement for you. Your house sounds wonderful. take care hadnt seen your post in a while, take care of you.

Dorothy- hopeing you are doing ok, I think you said you were trying to go pick up Sherman's ashes yesterday or today. Hang in there sweetie, we are all here for you. And his picture sounds beutiful, maybe you can post it somewhere we can see it. You two take care.

(((((((((Big Hugs to ALL)))))))))))

Amber

[justlost]

Hey, I went to my therapist today. I talked about my dreams. In my dream last night, I was actually about to tell Greg personally to stop coming to me in my dreams because it was frustrating, but I woke up before I could. I think I never told him so because I was upset, because I really did want to see him, I was just tired of not sleeping well. She told me that is was normal. She said that since it was such a huge part of my sub-conscious, I would probably dream about him for a while no matter how many distractions I had. She told me that I was doing really well. I am glad for that.

This summer, Greg and I and went to the beach. Greg's friend Derrek came along for a day and hung out with us. One of the places we went was the build-a-bear workshop. While we were there, I made a bear, and Greg and Derrek had fun just walking around and looking at stuff. Well today, I got a package from build-a-bear. Derrek had made me a turtle. He wrote me a special message that went with it. It said, "Morgan, I decided to send this to you so you will never forget that day at the beach. The turtle was mine and Greg's favorite." It was seriously one of the most special gift's I had ever gotten. I only met Derrek once before the funeral.

[lauraa]

Morgan:

That was so thoughtful for him to think of doing that....awesome. Sleep with it and hold it tight everyday and talk with your Greg. He can hear you and is with you. Stay close to the ones who support you. Hope your therapist is giving you some good suggestions for your sleep.

Best.

[justlost]

I think she is. It seems that I always feel better after I talk to her.

http://pic15.picturetrail.com/VOL620/2680185/5352657/179302966.jpg

picture of Greg and I

[4everjoeysmom]

Justlost, My heart always hurts deeply when I see young women as yourself join this club of loss. It always takes me right back to my son's death last July and how much hurt and pain his girlfriend carried with her as a result. By all accounts they thought of each other as "the one". She and I had long talks and shared a lot of communication over the following months, and that was comforting for both of us. After a while she got a puppy who became her close companion and I imagine licked away many salty tears and sat many dark nights beside her. I know Joey's girlfriend couldn't imagine how she would be able to go on among her friends that they shared, (Joey was still in college and she was a new graduate), and not wish every moment that he was there with them. It has been a little more than a year now, and sadly for me the communications have drifted off as she carries on. I still hear from her from time to time, especially recently on Joey's birthday. But I am happy for her that she is moving out of the deep sadness and able to see ahead with some sparks of happiness here and there. She deserves that. She has also moved away to another state and communications are slowly drifting from the friends they once shared. I don't begrudge her for that, nor do they. Everyone realizes that it is her time, her need, and her way of coping and moving forward. It doesn't mean she will ever forget. But she is finding life beyond, and that is all any of us have hoped for her sake. We were all there for her and we are still here for her as she wants and needs us, but we also don't take it personally and love her enough to realize we need to let go so she can spread her own wings and fly again. It is her choice to move forward, and we support her in that. But we do miss her...

My point in sharing this is first to say how very sorry I am that you have lost your best friend, your companion and love, Greg. I am so sad for you and my heart aches for you. Secondly, only you know what you need to do to get through all of the roller coaster of hurts that come with this kind of loss, and only you will know if and when it is time for you to do something outside of grieving. It is so fresh and new for you. Take time and take care of yourself, and know that there are so many here that will be here for you. I don't visit this thread too often anymore, as in the beginning of my loss I was so desperate to connect with anyone and everyone who could even partly identify with the way my heart had been shattered, so I hopped all over this website and others. The loss is different for me, but I've learned catastrophic loss is universal no matter if it is mother or partner, it hurts so very deeply. And thirdly, I just want to say that Joey's girlfriend has given all of us that know her hope that life can go on and be good for a special young woman who had been ripped apart so badly. She is making her way and she is finding happiness, and possibly even a new relationship is developing with a young man that she likes and who has fully accepted what she has been through and how that will affect her for a long time to come. Only you will know if and when you will be ready for anything more, but know that Greg will always be with you and the pain of losing him will as well. But in time it will dull around the edges and life will bring flowers and butterflies and sparks of happiness again...in time. There is no precept for any of us in how long we should mourn or grieve our beloveds. But our hearts will let us know when it is our time to blossom...and though different, a heart can blossom again. My point is not to stress moving on or that someone could ever come along to replace what you lost. I would never suggest something so callous. It is more to say that all things are possible when our hearts open up and blossom again, and that is a great hope worth holding onto in our pain...to know that we will feel alive again. In the meantime, you have a wonderful and beautiful network of supporters and cheerleaders here, and that is good medicine. You will find strength and healing among them. You are a dear heart. And I was touched by your friend sending you the turtle as well. Friends like that are priceless! Joey had a couple of very dear friends like that who have surprised me at the most perfect times with gifts of healing from their own hearts like that turtle...

Thinking of you and wishing you comfort and warmth as you find your way... 4everJoeysMom, Claudia

[armaiti]

Morgan, that is such a sweet picture! I'm glad a friend took a picture of Ishaq and I kissing that year before he passed as well, I love looking at it. And the turtle is really sweet too - after I got back from visiting Ishaq's family back east last Christmas, there was this big box that came for me from my friend Samia. Inside was this cute,cuddly stuffed moose in a striped shirt (I'm a big Northern Exposure fan). And a note from her: "Ishaq sent me a message I should send you something like this to hold". It was really sweet, and I keep it on my bed.

I also had a pillow made at Cafepress.com with a photo of Ishaq that is on my bed as well. Several of his students also ordered these as keepsakes of him.

I felt pretty awful yesterday - ate something bad and had awful stomach cramps and throwing up and stuff. Better today. When I'm sick I really get upset about Ishaq's not being here to take care of me. He was so good at making me feel better.

When I was at camp I took a new teacher, one who also lost his partner eight years ago. I feel like he really understands what I'm going through and can help me not only with my Sufi practices but just keeping going on, learning how to live with Ishaq not here in physical form, but honoring the communication he and I still have. He sent me a beautiful dream on his birthday while I was at Sufi Camp. And several of his friends and students showed me very unusual and special feathers that they felt were messages from Ishaq. I feel really lucky to be part of a community that so loves him and are willing to continue keep him present and part of our lives. We talk a lot about how the body is just a coat the soul wears, and when your earthly coat wears out, you don't die, you take it off. Ishaq took off his coat and is still very much alive, just in a different form. I'm learning to deal with his form not being here, and knowing I'll take off my coat and join him someday makes this a bit easier to bear.

Blessings,

Anna