I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

No one needs to feel bad about being a downer or having a pity party. We've all been there and will be again no doubt. This second year..ugh. It is REALLY starting to sink in that this is my life. Most of the time I do ok - not great- but ok and then there's the rest of the time. Just miss him miss him miss him. You all know the feelings.

Heading out tomorrow on my first Black Hills trip alone. I don't know whether to be excited or terrified. Some of each I guess. I can always turn around and I won't be so far away that someone can't come rescue me and I've allowed plenty of time to stop going and coming home if the driving or crying gets to be too much. Who knows? Maybe it will be a wonderful experience to have time to relax, read and regroup.

To all who are having such bad days, hang in there and take it as slow as you need to. I think all of us would like to rush through this and end the pain. I know I would but we can only do what we can handle. I pray each day for everyone on this board. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

ok ladies heres my 2 cents

Sidvis you can stop contact whenever you choose to do so. I am not close to kurts family they have not been here since he died a year ago and after the first week stopped calling even his mom doesn't check on her grandkids here. She has this big thing at christmas about taking family pictures and last year said she wouldn't becausekurt had only been gone 6 months. Wouldnt you know her daughter complained so she asked if i would mind. what am i gonna say no i want everybody to suffer like I am. I mean they were his sisters and mom. I said go ahead but my kids and i do not wantone and we will not be in the big family one.His one sister flat refused she said i amnot going to take a picture or be in a picture without my brother. i decided than that i was done making sure they got to see my kids. They can come to me i dont cut them off just dont make such an effort. and they haven't been around since. so it is up to you when you want to stop contact.

michell...You post here whenever you want. Especially for a pity party because that is what we are here for we all enjoy a good party and besides what good is a party if your not with your friends.

I also get the 2 people thing I am constantly thinking was that me or someone else when i think of things from my life b4.

Amberi..honey its been 14 months for me and it hasn't sunk in yet. I was at my moms the other day and the phone rang. My kurt worked 12 hour nights on the weekend only. He had the rest of the week off. He used to call from work to my mom's and talk to me. When the phone rang i was half way out of my chair to take it from my mom when i realized it could not be him. I barely stopped the words "that's kurt" from coming out of my mouth. My son still says if he calls my cell and i don't answer he will automatically call his dads b4 he realizes. It does sink in. I had to deal with the constant shock that it was really him that died. I think now it's not such a gut wrenching shock as it used to be so it has gotten better. How long were you married? One of the very smart ladies on here told me once she had read it takes 1 year for every ten years you were together for the healing to be complete. I was married 20 years.

Susan......you are mother of the year because you are letting your daughter go back out into the world whenit would probably be easier for you to keep her at your side for support and comfort. you are also letting her grieve in her own way. That takes alot of courage. 6 months is such a short time and yet a lifetime. If you want to be alone be alone

I have learned recently that you cant rush it when you think you are ready for another relatonship you will know if you are having doubts then POSSIBLY you are not ready just try not to let fear stop you from being happy. I was letting fear stop me from being happy while im an my own and now i have decided to let go of that fear and try to embrace my life as it is. If i am supposed to be with someone it will happen and i will know it at the time.

Linda.....your words touched me so much.{I never want to be without the companionship and love of someone special. Terry taught me how to love and be loved and my life would be too empty without it.

The pain of it all makes the joy so much more. If this too shall pass, I will be looking again when it is time, life is so short.} I have been trying to explain to others and myself why i want to meet someone one day and you got it! exactly how i was/am feeling.

becky

[Error username not found]

hi everyone. about that whole 1 year for every 10 year bs i think thats rediculous. no offense but i wuz with him 3 years and itz been almost 1 year and im still grieving..so if those calculations are correct then i should be healed by now..so i disagree.anyway though i hope everythings good ill post again soon sorry its so short.goodnight everyone.

[sidvis]

Airymoon, thank you for your response. It is hard to not let my sister-in-law make me feel guilty for not feeling close to her mother.

I am closing in on the 2 year mark. Yesterday I threw away alot of old business papers that my husband had kept. Last year, I couldn't decide what to save, because I couldn't figure out why he had kept them. I discovered there was no reason, other than he was a pack-rat. I have to say it felt good to feel nothing, no attachment to those stupid papers. Last year I was so attached to everything of his. I feel like that is good to at least know when it is just trash and when it is worth keeping for my sons. There is so much in this house! Sometimes I wish I could just blow it all up and start over. Start my new life without having to worry about what I will do with all of the accumulation of 23 years of marriage. What a history if am in charge of!

Thanks for listening.

[sweetwilliam]

Becky,

Thank you - you will never know what saying "Susan you are Mother of the Year...' meant to me. I have felt so flawed as a Mom, especially to my youngest, you have lightened my heartache. I agree that FEAR is probably what is preventing me from even considering options, at this point. I miss Bill so much, however I also do so miss having THAT kind of love in my life. Soooo, maybe just maybe, I can some day get beyond my fear and see what type of life I can build that does not include Bill. WOW, THAT was hard to write - my life that does not include Bill...

Sidvis,

I am sure at that stage of keeping anything that Bill touched - it can be a piece of scrap paper with a telephone number and I can not toss it...I can understand the "history you are in charge of" thinking. After 36 years of marriage, I feel like the "keeper" right now, you have given me hope that eventually I will be able to sort out the unimportant from the important...

Susan

[amberi]

Becky thanks for the support. I have been with Alex for 18years and married 12 well wait does that count our 12th ann. is on Oct.7 who cares I say it counts N E way sorry for the little argument with myself.

Ok so I have to share with someone and I have come to love you all cuz your always there for me. So I took my kids camping this weekend and my son who is terrified of water. (last year he wouldnt get off the boat) he actually Wake-skated (kinda like wakeboarding but no boots) he sat out in the middle of the lake and did it. I started crying cuz I was so happy, then yep, here goes once I start I cant stop crying I was then sad because Al wasnt there to see him, then I was pissed that Al wasnt here cuz of his bad choices. Talk about a mixed up feeling. Then my friend who was driving the boat leaned over and said “you know he is here and out there with him, he is watching" it really made me feel good, but I was bawling out of control. but then sucked it up before my son got back in the boat. My daughter was holding my hand telling me its ok. but I have a hard time crying in front of my son sometimes. He is just so young and sad I didnt want him to get sad on such a great moment. Thats where Im struggling the moments that I have to do alone. My other friend got drunk and was ranting about the bad stuff with her husband and how I had it easy now cuz I didnt have to deal with that kind of stuff, I got so pissed off I almost hit her, I couldnt believe it here I am 35 and getting ready to beat the **** out of her. But I pulled it together and told her "ok, so you think mine is better, what if your daughter did something that she had always been scared of wouldnt you want yourself or her to run and tell dad, guess what you can. What about the first time she drives a car who do you want to tell, I’ll bet him, I have no-one.” She stopped and stared at me then started crying. I told her “hey I know what its like to fight, and hell, separate from your husband but the one thing I knew was that I could get him back, continue talking to him, and even if we had divorced he would still be able to experience and be there for the kids. That is something I no longer have. I have nothing but my kids. and yes they are everything to me, but losing a daughter and now a husband life is hard very hard.” She said she was sorry and didnt even want to imagine not having him be a part of there lives good, bad or ugly. So we got thru it, but it was hard. And I was shocked by the whole argument.

It just hurts when right now I hear people complain about the little things and **** I did it too, but when I hear it now it just seems so petty.

Sorry all I know Im going on a rant, I guess when you dont post for a while you end up with a lot to say. I must say being so busy at work and not having time to post was a good and bad thing. I feel so much better when I get it all out but then sometimes I feel like I dont have the strength to do it.

Sidvis - mine was a pack rat too. I have started cleaning out little things like old magazines that have been thrown in a box for a few years, but I am also having a hard time with little scratch papers that he wrote on, cuz its his writing. Time that’s it just time will come when its ready.

Again sorry for the rambling. take care all.

sure feels good to be back.

amber

[wonka56]

Hi, I'm new to this, I'm glad I found the website though. My husband died july 11th this year. I'm having a really hard time with it. Being alone for the first time. Coming up on our 1 year anniversary doesn't help either. I've never been this close to a person as I was with him, we were best friends. That man was a part of my every moment... 24 hours a day we were in contact some how whether it in person, by phone or email. We did everything together. He took care of everything for us, I never had to do a thing but cook and go to work. Now I am a big mess. He always told me I was his other half, well I feel like there isn't even half a person here.. so alone.. so empty.. so scared. Thanks for listening to my rambling

[justamom]

Amber, I can SO relate to what you have said. Both of my boys learned to waterski this summer and it was so hard to not have Steve there to be proud of them. And then I think of ALL of the things that he isn't going to be there for, My little guy was 6 when he died and he has already changed so much and learned so much. That is the part that I can't stand I miss him so much but it is UNBEARABLE to think about how much my kids miss him. I too was 35 and I think all the time about how unfair this all is that I only got 15 years with him. I do try to remember that people are people and we all complain - but I HATE it when people complain about their husbands, families, lives. They just don't know how it feels to not have them anymore. For it all to be gone in an instant your whole life changed not by your chice or doing. It sucks monkey Butt. (My 11 year old favorite new expression)

Susan, don't worry about getting rid of "Stuff" you keep it as long as your heart tells you too. You will know when you can get rid and what you can get rid of. My husband left me ALOT of messes - messy business, messy garage, messy truck etc. and slowly but surely almost 2 years later I have figured most of it out. I will still cry when I find something with his handwriting on it, but I don't feel like I was punched in the stomach anymore. Give yourself plenty of time.

I have back to school night tonight - Another thing that I hate to do without Steve - he was at every single one of these school things.....SIGH. Just another reminder. Take care girls. Peace. Lisa

[airymoon]

bacafly......wow im sorry i didn't mean to offend you and i was in no way implying that your time with him was worth less than anyone else's i was just trying to say that it takes time and that was what a article on grief had stated. when i heard it i realized i was rushing the healing thing and trying to be done by everyone else's standard. i was trying to let you know that it may take a while and not to let anyone tell you when it has been long enough. I had a problem getting rid of kurts stuff too. his clothes weren't hard for me because he only wore them when he had too, mostly stayed in sweats and a t shirt. those i still have.i'm still finding papers that he wrote on and sometimes i cant keep them and sometimes i cant let them go. Here's what i did and i dont know if it will heop or not.btw he died when he was 43 and i found a highschool paper he had kept. ok first i had my dad make a chest for him like a cedar chest then i put the things i knew i wanted to keep in it. i kept his favorite clothes and his coaching shirts from when he coached our kids and pictures that were special to him. all the papers he had i kept went in there. now if i find something and i cant throw it away i put it in his chest. about a month or so i had to get some papers out and i started looking at the things in there. i decided if i couldnt explain to my kids what the articles had to do with their dad or if i didn't know i wouldn't keep it . I eliminated some things but still lots of things i have no idea why he had them. i have the chest so that if my kids and one day grandkids want to know or remember something about him all they have to do is open the chest. this works for me but then again i also broke every plat in my house and threw them away because i felt i needed a new start and the dishes were expendable so i may be a little crazy. again bacafly im sorry if i upset you.

becky

[airymoon]

oh i thought of more. i realized i could throw some of his papers away when i picked up one of the notes he wrote to himself (numbers thats it)and tossed it as i walked away i thought that had his sriting on it and i didn't cry. i did want to get it back out but then i thought do you know what the numbers mean? since i didn't know i didn't get it and your right it felt good not to have that attachment or dependancy. As far as all the things he'll miss with the kids that pisses me off so bad i want to punch or break something(hence..the plates). I try not to dwell on it but its hard. I tell myself he isn't really missing it he is here just not in the flesh. doesn't always help though.

wonka56...I am so sorry about your loss. My husband and i did everything together too. we had been married 20 years when he died and not one day went by that i didn't talk to him at least 5 times he even started working parttime in the pre-school i work at. your right more than half of you is missing but it will get better or easier. keep coming here and posting its a good place to be.

becky

[wonka56]

thank you Airymoon, I think I will visit here often. We were together for nearly 9 years. BUt only married last September. He died from Liver cancer and I stayed positive till the end he would not die. I couldn't imagine it would happen to him like that. Turns out he had the condition for years for what tests show and the dr. never told him about the test results. I don't know why, or if this is the same with anyone else but the mornings seem to be the worst for me. Every freakin morning I go to work and cry all the way there, cry when I get there.. feel like the walking dead all day. By the afternoon I am a bit better, but the mornings. So many say it will get better, which I guess must be true but I can't imagine it getting better. I know its only been 2 months.. but do you ever feel happy again? or at least not in so much pain? Do you ever enjoy the things you used to? Everthing I liked before , I want nothing to do with, I feel like eating nothing, but I am hungry so I eat, nothing satifys me. I tried going to a counselor, but she was a nut. She immediately wanted me on drugs, I don't want drugs, I do not want anything altering my brain. Then she told me I am crazy for taking my husbands ashes with me when I go to our house in Pa on the weekends. I am between 2 houses right now and I plan on settling in Pa in the next month or so, but I take him with me. Its not like I am taking him to the grocery store or anything. I just bring him with me on the weekend, put him on his table. Needless to say I stopped seeing that quack.

Bacafly, I can't believe some one would say such cruel things to you ! They have to be the cruelest person on earth! Not to mention out of their freakin mind! I would have killed the person on the spot.

[sidvis]

This is a good discussion for me. At the moment, like I said, I am fast approaching the 2 year mark. I am so many "light years" away from the beginning. I was just thinking about the moment I heard the news. It still makes me sick to my stomach, but at least I don't collapse into a heap of tears and wailing. He committed suicide on a beautiful early fall morning. Even now, the angle of the sun reminds me of that day and the nightmare that followed. I have survived the nightmare even though, like all of you, I never thought I would. My kids were the key for me or I don't think I would be here. Now, I am in love with a man I plan to marry as soon as we can manage it. He lives in another state. I never in a million years thought I would be happy like this again, but God has granted me this new life.

I like what you did with your husband's things. I too put alot of his stuff in containers. But, you make me think I should go through those papers again to make sure I didn't miss anything that would be important to our sons.

Wonka56, it is a good thing you found this site so quick. It helps so much! I didn't find it until I was about 15 months along. Early grief is so horrible. No one except another who has been through it can understand. That is why this place is so amazing. So many women who share such pain. It does heal.

Peace to all

[sidvis]

Airymoon, my husband was 46 when he died, just a couple of weeks before his 47th birthday and a few days after our 23rd anniversary. The holidays followed immediately. It was such an ordeal. It was only my faith in God and my determination to keep my kids lives as "normal" as possible that got me through that period. I felt like I got little support from anyone. They were all scared to talk to me, I guess. Like they were afraid they might catch something from me. Such a sad and lonely time. My weight dropped to 104 pounds. Finally, I went to see a counselor. She was excellent. I also went ahead with some medication, Lexapro. I had too, I was sinking too much. The medication was great. It enabled me to eat again. It did not cloud my thinking or stop me from grieving. I was so worried that it would "mask" my true feelings and somehow delay my grieving. But it didn't. So, I say maybe it is worth a try for anyone who finds themselves wasting away. I also went to a grief support group. It was good to see others who were as sad and miserable like me. Of course this site is the best for expressing the unexpressable. I don't know why I thought I needed to tell all this, I know I have done it before here. It is still a healing thing to speak so freely and tell ones story.

[lindat]

Wonka56, You are just beginning the journey, and we are all so familiar with what you are going through. For me the nights were the hardest, I couldn't sleep for months at night. I lost 30 pounds the first few months because I couldn't eat, if I did it tasted like cardboard. There was nothing happy about the first year, but at the beginning of the second year last January, I started corresponding with someone special from high school and it really changed my life. I had forgotten what joy could be and it felt strange to feel it again. Not sure if I recommend it, but it has worked for me. We didn't meet again face to face until last month so it gave me alot of time to get used to the idea and lose 40 more pounds The downside is that he has prostate cancer and we are going thru it together. I have to think positive or I would go crazy, but I do know that whatever happens he helped me turn the corner and brought me out of a depression I just couldn't have found my way out of on my own. I tried therapy too and the therapist wanted to put me on drugs too - I felt exactly as you did and didn't go back. By the way, I see nothing unusual in your taking your husband with you. You have to do what works for you. Take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time and it will get easier someday.

[wonka56]

Thank you everyone. Its very comforting to read everyone's posting and see that you went through or are going through the things I am . That you feel the same. I can't tell you how much that helps me get through the day. The alone feeling is so strong right now. I guess because for years you always had that man you could turn to that would make everything better. What I wouldn't give for one of his hugs right now. I 'm so glad I found this site so soon, I think it will help me get on with things or at least not doubt the things I feel are not normal. No one seems to understand how I feel except you who have been through this. Its amazing how things change, food like you said Lindat tastes like cardboard. The love of food is one thing my husband and I unfortunately shared with a passion. Things I loved or thought of as comfort food.. tastes like cardboard, no flavor. We went to the local fair every year which is coming up in a few weeks. I am going with my Dad and sister. I am wondering if I will enjoy it the way I did with my him or will it be just like the food is for me. I am having to rush through going through his things because of the move. I'm keeping his tshirts(man had a ton)because I can wear them and that would be comforting. I was reading on another website about making a quilt out of his clothes, that might be a nice winter project. Not that I am very good at sewing but it would keep me busy. I like the idea I think. I've noticed since all this happened that I can't trust anything I do or decide to do. I keep second guessing if I did something, did I forget? was that the right thing to do? Anyone else go through that?

[armaiti]

Wonka56 - It's been a little over thirteen months for me since my beloved Ishaq passed. I don't see anything strange about taking his ashes with you. Luckily, I'm part of a couple of spiritual communities that really honor ritual and ceremony, so I've taken Ishaq's ashes lots of places, given some to friends to take to other places and countries, planted under trees, placed in the ocean, in rivers, etc. His two sons took some rafting down the Mckenzie River where he passed away of blood clot stopping his heart. I also made a memorial website for him (http://home.earthlink.net/~ishaqjud) and found that really healing.

The first months I found myself starting some chore and then just standing there forgetting what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't sleep much either. I took herbal things to help with the sleeplessness, but I'm not a therapy person so I wasn't seeing a counselor or anything. I do have spiritual teachers in my traditions (Native American/Red Road tradition and Sufi tradition), who helped me a lot with suggestions and support. And since Ishaq was a great teacher and leader in the community, I could always find someone to talk to about him. My house has an ancestor altar, with his picture and his ashes, a rock from the beach by the river where he passed, a calligraphy of one of his songs a friend did, and other things. I can burn a candle there, talk to him, do my practices, whatever.

I think our "normal" society wants to shove death aside because people are scared of it. I've really learned to honor the transition - both Ishaq's and mine. I have no desire to be with another man, but I'm 52 and I'm also ready to just experience what it's like to be "just me". And Ishaq was my soulmate and constant companion, singing partner, and more.

Bacafly - What horrible things that person said! I hope you don't have to have contact with them anymore, I'm amazed that someone could be so cruel!

Blessings to all,

Anna

[wonka56]

Armaiti, thank you for helping me feel more at ease. I thought there was nothing wrong with taking him to his home in Pennsylvania when I go for a weekend. I think what you have done with your husbands ashes is inspiring. I'm 42 and am not sure about the future with a man. I'd like not to grow old alone. But I am scared I could never find someone as wonderful as my husband was, or what if the same thing happens? I could not bare to go through this a second time.

[mishknit]

Wonka....

i am so sorry for your loss, and yet glad you're here.

it is so heartening to know you're not completely insane.isn't it? this bb is great for helping us to see that the feelings we have are normal, and that it is ok to have them.

I am like anna... my husband is scattered all over, special places, under a tree in my backyard, up and down the CA coast, and there will be many more places. I have his ashes on my "ancestor table"..something i learned about from Anna, along with other memory things. i have learned much and felt so supported by the women on this bb...you will too.

take his ashes with you everywhere....noone knows but you the right thing to do, because there is no right thing to do..we get thru this each on thier own, supported by others.

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

bacafly--its been almost 15 months since kurt passed away. At first it was impossible, beyond impossible. I really think the only thing that got me through it was being there for my kids. I knew i could not let them go through that kind of pain again. Looking back now, because kurt and i had talked about how we thought we would handle our lives if anything happened to the other, i went into a business mode. I planned the funeral and then put some bills in my name canceled ones in his name, and just kept everything down to business. At night i would take a long hot shower and bawl in the shower. Some days my mom would take the kids and those days i would scream as loud and as long as i needed to. now i still hurt but it now as gut wrenching. it isn't going away but it is getting different. i imagine it is a bit like layers growing over it. at first it was all consuming but now layers have grown over the pain and it is not as raw.

Wonka-- omg the mornings! i hated them. sometimes still do. I wake up without him next to me and the shock i used to feel that it was real and not a dream. All i can tell you is the shock does eventually wear off and when that happens everything is more tolerable.The first time i laughed i was actually shocked that it was me. and then i felt guilty. but now after a year i have given myself permission to have fun and laugh and enjoy things again, decided to start trying to live instead of just surviving. i cant tell you exactly when it was but i think somewhere around 9 months. I was just tired of feeling sad all the time and crying all the time. you'll know when it happens. i also think the trick is to not look past the next 5 minutes. if i tried to look to the next day it was too hard so i just went 5 minutes at a time and when that was too hard i would leave the room and cry in the bathroom.

one year seems like such a short time and yet it seems like a thousand years. the biggest problem i had and still have is the anger at everyone and everything.i would do the same thing with kurts ashes. a friend of mine new someone who keeps her hubby's ashes on a table by his favorite chair so because he enjoyed the sun and the sunsets.the trust thing- no i didn't trust myself or others. it was like kurt hurt me intentionally and i couldn't trust that others wouldn't. weird because he didn't and never had in any wasy hurt me.

sidvis---my husband died 4 days after his b-day and the day after fathes day. 2 months before our 20th annivesary. he cooapsed at work and they called n=me and told me he was having trouble breathing and an ambulance was taking him to the hospital. i took my son to the place he was working at and headed to the hospital. I had told my husband a week before that i felt a big change was coming for us. driving to the hospital i remembered that conversation and i prayed all the way there please dont let this be it ..but of course it was. the worst thing was both vehicles were gone from home and i had to call my parents to bring my kids up.Then i had to call my 17 year old and tell him to get my daughter ready and bring them to the hospital when g-pa got there. he wouldn't let it go and didn't want to come to the hospital so i had to tell him.. over the phone.

i am also taking lexapro and it has been a big help. doesn't alter anything and gives me the help i need not to fall to deep into the pit.

ok one last thought and then im off. I dont think our friends are afraid they will catch this i think maybe they are afraid to say the wrong thing and make things worse or they cant understand why we aren't popping back to our old selves. I try to remeber this is mything not theirs and give them the benefit of the doubt. I still am shocked sometimes that everyone can't see this giant hole i have and how come the world didn't stop for everyone when it did for me? how dare they keep going on when this happened.

thats all for now i could keep writing but i wont

becky

[Error username not found]

everybody is soooooo right. wow. i kant believe all the things that ive been through and just pushed to the back of my mind. i didnt eat for days after he died. the only reason i drank anything was because i was laying on the bathroom floor and i had no energy to go to the funeral.its completely like layers slowly growing over the hole in my chest.i was 95 pound for months. i didnt wanna eat becuz he couldnt..and i didnt wanna take a shower becuz he touched me before he left and i didnt wanna move anything he put away..and holy crap was that ever the worst days of my LIFE. finding out he was dead..thinkning about it makes me sick to my stomach omg. thinking about how many things went wrong around that time and how much pisses me off looking back on it. i didnt sleep for days until i just fell asleep while i was sitting in a chair..and then i woke up..realized the shitty truth and started all over again. still to this day i cant sleep. i stay up thinkning about him and either things that weve done or things that we would have done. sometimes if its hard for me to fall asleep..beleive it or not i think of an argument we had and talk to him like..wait.. i forgot about that..wudever goodnight..and it just makes it easier to fall asleep as if we were just fighting rather then wut the real reason is. whoa..so hmm.. its been almost one year..and i remember thinking in the beginning that people coming up on a year are lucky cuz itz not as hard.but..it really just feels like yesterday. im still completely broken..but the only difference is i learned how to cover it up and push it to the back of my mind becuz living everyday with those feelings is tooo hard for me and it actually hurts.i also think the only reason i didnt let myself die is because of our son. if i were to die then he would have noone. no real parent of his own so theres no way i would let myself die like that. wooowww!! i think this actually ended up being a step backwards..sorry everybody..bringing up those feelings makes me sick to my stomach and i just want him to come back so i could tell him how everything is now and we could pick up from here. ugh. i look at pictures and think....where r u?? YOU cant really be dead. wow.. ok well i dont wanna go there today. really bad memories. bad idea.goodnight everyone.

[airymoon]

I hate my life or my NEW life. nothing good in it except my kids and when they leave the nest what then funny how you cant think ahead unless its something your afraid of and then thats all you think about

becky

[Error username not found]

hey evrybody. i was just looking stuff up and i stubbled upon a really sad song and i thought id share it with everyone. its called "probably wouldnt be this way" by leanne rhymes..if u look it up on youtube you could see the video. other songs are "hurt" by christina aguilera and "who knew" by pink.. and alot of boyz2men songs. just feeling like crap. i want him to come back and i wish people were more understanding about the situation instead of talking to me like nothing ever happened.i wish i could still talk to him. he always made me feel better and i question things in my life and he was always the one to make me feel better about EVERYTHING. now im alone and i wonder how me raising my son compares to me and him raising our son. i know that my son is missing out on a HUGE part of his life and theres so many thingz that his father could offer him that i cant and i cant help but feel like my son would have ended up a better person if his father was around. how am i gonna teach him to do guy things?? even just his personality around the baby would make life better. i always think "what would he say now?" "what would he do now?" and it annoys me that everyone else goes on with their life so much they they dont even care.it never effected their life like it effects mine.some people can be such assholes about it.i just see his pictures and his personality through the pictures and i watch video tapes of him and hes talking to me and it makes me soo happy to hear his voice..and see the way he used to look at me. i wonder if he sees me right now. i want him back so bad and i cant believe that i have to go the rest of my life without ever seeing him hearing him touching him or anything ever again. its days like this where i can see him sooo clearly in my mind that i just expect him to walk through the door. today the phone rang and for the first time in a long time i actually thought it was him. i mean got up and everything expecting it to be him. i hate my new life too. i get so sad thinking about my son growing up and leaving me alone.i cant wait at the same time cuz he looks exactly like his father so i know it will make me happy and sad to see him grown.how the hell am i suposta tell him that his fathers dead? wtf happen.

[samrtb]

ahhhhhhhhi just typed a whole thing and then it got erased! i'll retype it later......hope everyone is having a good night/very early morning.

[laurielblack]

Dearest Byron,

I've been sitting here, missing you (of course), and I started wondering what I miss the very most about you. Is it your smile? You had the most beautiful and charming smile...a mile wide, perfectly straight teeth (never had a cavity or braces), radiating happiness. Is it your laugh? You had a great laugh...deep, boisterous, and pervasive. Is it your wit? You had the sharpest sense of humor; dark but insanely funny and very dry...one of the things that drew me to you in the first place. Is it your scent? I have the clothes you wore that day...and the few days prior...I took them from the hamper and sleep with one of your shirts. It's beginning to fade, for sure, but every once in a while I really catch a wisp of your scent on it. I just hold it close and pretend you are there with me. Is it your face? I always thought you were so handsome...and every time I look at our sons I see so much of you in them. Is it your walk? There are times that out of the corner of my eye, in places like Wal-Mart or even here at home if Andre's here, I see someone walking by and for a split second think it could be you. Is it your voice? There are many times that I call your cell phone number just to hear your voice on your voicemail message. I also still have the last phone message you left me, the day before you left us. It comforts me and lets me know you are still with me, even if it's only in my heart. But of all these things, I think I miss your hands the most. I miss how strong they were, yet how soft and gentle they were. I miss your hand in mine when we were walking together, or even sitting at home watching television or driving down the road. Your hands always made me feel safe, comforted, and loved. I don't think I will ever feel that way again. I miss everything about you and will love you forever.

[naz496]

havent been here for a while things were getting toooo hard and I didnt have any energy to be sadened by being here. even though it made me feel better.

what I have learned.

I have learned that I have my husband to thank he tought me how to love, and I tell my kids and his family 10 times a day.

I have so much love to give and I dont want to be alone with that, but in the same token I couldnt imagine being with anyone else.

I have learn how to be angry and sad and selfish, and how to find out who your friends really are.that that this is ok

I am more forgiving, and more laid back. . part of me died when Mal died, and I dont really want that bit back because I feel it died with him.

I want him back every minute of every day espically for my young children, but I dont want him back the way he was, because I would just have to looose him all over again. I want him back, I want him to be more selfish with himself and not do everything for everyone else, and I want him to love us more that his job.I want him to put us before anyone else

I dont ever want to have to let him go again. I dont want to do this again.I dont want to learn how to live again.

I was scared for 12 yrs that this would happen, and I didnt want to have to do it by myself. I knoew I could as Mal was hardley ever home but I didnt want to find out. I hate it that he made this come true.

I wanted to rely on him. I wanted to have to ask his opinion, and I wanted him to love us more.

I wanted him to need uslike he needed bloody trucks. but he didnt.

I have learned that its not peoples fault if they dont understand, but it doesny make iot any easier.

I have found out who my true firiends are and I treasure the friendship.

ASll cried out again. might try later

peace to all

naz

[rodless]

Hi everyone. So sorry to see a new member of this terrible club. Everything you say I can relate to in some way and I don't think anyone's nuts for carrying ashes with them. If I had some I would do it too. Instead I wear a ring on a chain that I touch and talk to. Those first few days and months are so bad. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of anyone going through them. I hit 14 months on 9/7.

I'm home from my trip to the Black hills. I cut it short a day because I had done and seen what I needed too and felt the need to be grounded again. I went through everything from the most peaceful feeling of acceptance and love to the deepest despair I have had for months. Vivid memories almost knocked me off my feet and at times I found them comforting and at others too much to handle. But...I am SO glad I did this. I needed to close the door on that part of our life together. It was so special, the times we had out there. I'm exhausted from all the up and down emotions that seemed so much more intense than usual but feel better - at least for today.

Onward...that's all we can do even if we go backwards more than forward sometimes. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

mary jo....

welcome home.

it sounds like your trip was much like mine in may of 2oo6....

cathartic, happy, and intense.....all good things. I went on a trek all the way up the coast....i think the only place i will close the door on is carmel, but, even then, never say never.

i'm so glad you went. Digest it all....and see how it changes you.

hugs

and peace,

michele

[airymoon]

hello everyone

i am just so angry lately i tought i had put that behind me but with T breaking up with me and then calling me and saying he misses and loves me and then him going out with his wife. ughh it hurts because i trusted him as a friend and he still hurt me not because he is trying to work things out but the Why and the way he is doing it. I need to stop talking to him until i am ready to be his friend.i also realize now that i had let him becaome my safety and now thats gone again and i never learned to be my own safety net. that is scary to figure out. I would be a lot better if i could get rid of some of this anger. I just want the pain to stop why wont it stop and why every time i feel like im starting to be happy iget hit back into the hole.

becky

[aprilmoonflower]

becky- I have alot of anger lately too. I hear you! I feel like I need to go to alanon but how is that going to help when DH is dead? I am just so pissed off he threw our lives together away to go get high/drunk. I'm so glad his priorities were in place w/ a 2 week old at home! even though his accident wasn't ruled a DUI it still was a factor I am sure of it when his BAC was like TRIPLE the legal limit and he had an empty vial (cocaine) on him too! I can forgive a mistake but what the hell? I obviously didn't know my husbnd very well.. I am starting to think I only pick loser men or something. seriously. and someday I will have to explain it to our kids. gee thanks honey! so yeah I am pretty pissed off these days and just a little bitter over it. my anger extends into my life now too as I am so tired of peoples BS! don't they get it that I don't care about petty crap? I have no patience or tolerance at all for it. I am in the process of cutting out all toxic people and drawing very firm boundries. tough crap if anyone doesn't like it, right? The only good thing about DH death is I have certainly seen others true colors and am re evaulating who we spend time with from now on!

sorry so many issues, I know.

[amberi]

Oh April and Becky I too feel the pain of pure anger. Just when I think or stupid me gets my hope up that my life with the drama people and drug dealers is finally ending more crap from my cousin erupts. I miss Al dearly but if he were here I would probably slap him. Can you believe they are still trying to take the truck from our daughter. They actually want to go to court and take it. This is his daughter but yet they say they are just following his BS "will" that wasnt legit. April I used to go to alanon when Al went into rehab but havent been back, wonder if it would help.

So Im here again with anger and needing support. Alex's birthday is Sat. 9/15 and last year that is the day he checked himself into rehab. I am going to scatter 1/2 of his ashes in the morning and have a bonfire that night with all his friends and family (well not All) Iam terrified of doing this I dont want to let him go, and dont feel like I will get any closure. ahhh can anyone give me advice.

please, thanks all

amber

[mishknit]

Amber, becky and April....

the anger is so understandable, and such a big part of this experience and our grief work. We all have a lot of anger to work thru...some more dramatic than others, but it's still there.

I wish you all peace in that work...you are all doing it tho, taking the time you need, working thru it..you may not feel thsat, but for those of us readung your posts, we can see the progress.

Amber...I find the word "closure' ridiculous. i don't believe there is any such thing. can we move ahead with our lives..of course, but close off a whole part of it, our beloveds...No, no way. So, while you celebrate your loves bday...do just that, celebrate the love you had for each other and his life, but don't expect closure. Have fun with his friends, laugh and cry and put this one bday behind you...there will be others, and they will all affect you differentyl..but they WILL affect you, and they should.

peace,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- thanks. I know I have come pretty far on this journey. life isn't bad or anything. I am just PO'd! and it's just like one little stupid thing can set me back weeks and months if I let it. ugh.

Amber- that sucks about the truck. is this family? DH family has some real gems too. I now know the definition of "white trash" first hand. as for the ashes I have no idea! just wait and see how you feel?

btw I am changing my kids names to my name! (I didn't take DH last name when we married, now I'm so thankful!) I just CANNOT let my kids walk around using his family's name, as it is tainted in so many ways IMHO. I just hope they will understand some day. (I have everything written and documented for them though) so much drama.. sometimes I think I would have NEVER married him had I known. but I'd do it all over again. have I not learned my lesson yet or is the lesson supposed to be these two wonderful souls he brought to me? (our kiddos)

otherwise I am putting together all my info for the state of AZ and my lawyer so I can once and all figure out how to get DH name off that stupid corporation his family is still running. (he is supposedly sole shareholder but it's all a crock of **** his father cooked up, my DH was sued twice in fact for it! so stupid!!!!!!) I am soooo pissed I have to deal with this too..especially when I got the run around from the family after he died. it's so freaking rediculous! and it's long overdue considering he's been dead for nearly 25 months already! I WILL seek any damages I am able too. I have had it, wquite frankly. and the **** is going down!

[missyouhoney811]

Today would have been John's 64th Birthday. Most of the day I found very difficult. We had dinner at a seafood restaurant (John's favorite). John Robert, Vanessa and myself toasted in the celebration of John's life. The evening was good for me no tears were shed. Now, tomorrow will be another day ...... it will be 13 months since his death. It does not get easier it just gets different.

Thursday, 8/13 I'll leave for the wedding in Texas. Things move ahead.....I am trying my best keeping busy. It is true the more active you are the better things tend to be.

I took the van in to be detailed. I actually found a place that will help me sell the van and no fee is involved. So, when I return from Texas I will get busy on everything that I feel must be sold now.

I also have "John Edwards" to look forward to on October 10th. Can't wait........

Hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- I hope you find some peace during these hard days. btw busy is definitely good! I have joined a bunch of groups and am starting an earth scouts chapter too. we also have homeschool group too. I am usually too tired to even think lately! works for me!

[Error username not found]

hey everyone.sometimes i think we should have a chat room lol. then everyone can really talk to eachother..just a thought..anyway ive just been feeling really bad lately. all i do is obsess over the fact that he was real and ill never be with him again. i really just need him back. im tired of this already. i know itz not gonna happen but wudever. i want it to..and i need it to. i went to john edward. he didnt say anything to me. good luck though.. i was actually thinking about doing it again. im so lonely and just sad. i miss him with everything and u think that would be enough to make him come back right? i wonder how the hell this is the reality of my life. i can see him sooo clearly. this will never end. everyday for the rest of my life i will be wishing he was here and it just kills me. i try to keep busy too. i mean..when im exhausted im to tired to think..that is true. but not lately. every night itz complete anxiety..thinking and thinking and making myself completely sick.last year today he was with me. why couldnt it be then. where the hell is he. wutt the

F#@% happened????????

[armaiti]

Dorothy - Happy Birthday to your John! Sorry it was a hard day for you though. Ishaq's birthday is easier for me because I'm at Sufi Camp and I have a whole bunch of people there who knew and loved him, and I usually get to lead something to honor him since he was also a founder of the camp.

Amber - I think it's good you are still keeping some of his ashes, especially if you don't feel ready to let them all go...like I've said before, I keep Ishaq's ashes on my ancestor altar and give them out to friends and family to take and place in many places. And I don't believe in the word "closure". What's to close? I feel still so connected to Ishaq, and I will be with him again, so there's no closing to be done as far as I'm concerned!

Today Ishaq's sister and her husband and I went out to a friend's place where we've planted some of his ashes under a paper maple. The tree is has been growing there for about a year now and looks great. We swam in the river on his land, then all went wine tasting together, and then came back to my house and had a nice dinner out in the backyard. Quite a lovely day. Ishaq's been back in my dreams a bit more which feels good to me. And the gigs went well this weekend, though I was a bit tired out because it was really hot and I was dressed up in heavily mirrored and embroidered clothes from India that were a bit hot. Still, it's been a good few days all around.

Hope you all have a peaceful evening,

Blessings,

Anna

[naz496]

dorothy I am thinking of u today. what a hard day for u.

bacafly. I too agree with u where the f****** are they . I have just had an operation, and looking after 2 small kids by myself is the pits. where is he why isnt he here, why did he make me do this by myself.

having issuse I got a letter in the mail from solicitor saying that the Dr report finds that his employer was a major cause of his death. I no this and so does every one else but I am happy and very sad that this is in black and white now and Drs do belive me as well. The barstard will pay by the time I have finished with him he will never be able to be responsible for causing anyone eleses death.

Naz

[laurielblack]

Like everyone else here, I am having a really difficult time right now. I keep wondering when this is supposed to get easier...everyone tells me that it gets better with time, but how long? It's been 5 months, and I think it's getting harder. I cannot get those terrible images out of my mind from that morning. Eve time I close my eyes I relive those moments when I woke up and found him, when I called 911, when I was doing CPR, and when I was told "this is not going to be a successful resuscitation." The pictures in my head, the sounds, the smells, the taste, the feel...it just won't go away and it's driving me crazy. I haven't really talked to anyone about what that experience was like that morning, because I don't want anyone else to have to relive that moment with me and have it stuck in their head like it is in mine.

[rodless]

Laurie, I was with my husband when he died at home and it took a long time to get those pictures out of my mind. I know how they drive you nuts. I kept looking at pictures of him when he was healthy to get those other images unstuck. Now I am back to memories of happier times. Most of the time they are comforting but sometimes painful as the "could have beens" get me.

I am sorry for all the anger some of you are going through. It eats and eats on you until you can't think of anything else. I experienced it after a divorce more than now.

Dorothy.. for some reason I have more trouble with Rod's birthday than death date. He loved his birthday and we always had a special day. Hang in there. It has to get better!!

Michele, thanks for the words about my trip. It was healing in its own way and I think I can now go out there with friends and be fine.

Mary Jo

[airymoon]

naz and april you two go for it. Do what you need to do because enough things have rolled over all of us that your fighting gives me strength. I have done a lot of soul searching over the past few days and this is what i came up with. As far as breaking up with the guy i was seeing im glad it happened even though it hurts like hell because i think he falls in love too easily and he is never satisfied. I do not want him back. if we had somehow managed to become married what hell would this have put me and my kids through. He came over on saturday and told me he loved me and missed me so much and he didn't know if he was doing the right thing we spent two hours talking and holding each other. The next night his x spent the nite at his house. now i would like to be able to say he was a pig but he is truly messed up. either way i dont need that in my life. I have a friend of my sisters family that is coming over to help around the house i hate asking but i have to admit i need help i just have too much. anyway i told him about what happened and i think i also realized while i was talking to him that i missed kurt more because our friend that i trusted because he knew how much i hurt when kurt died was gone and when we did things together it was like we were doing them with kurt again we had both talked about this and i felt like i lost him all ov er again. i missed the fun and the things we did and the way it felt to be hugged and held again and the feeling of belonging more than i missed the man. the family friend told me anytime i wanted to go do something or just hang out i could call him and he would expect nothing but a friendship. That sounds really good to me just friends but no expectations. i know my girlfriends are probably getting tired of me being the third wheel to their nights out. so maybe now i have a new friendship and someone to talk to he's been through two ugly divorces so he knows how it feels to an extent.

I also came up with this.. when we say closure or putting it behind us.i think at least for me i am not closing the part of my life with kurt and i will never put him behind me,but i can put his death behind me, not him, and i can close my pain on his death and try to be happy in my life as it is. I know he is gone and i hate it but i dont want to dwell on his actual death i want to remember his life and him, but man it is hard sometimes not to go there.

love to all of you

becky

[rodless]

Becky, I'm glad you decided not to see T. again. You're right, he's really messed up and taking advantage of two hurting confused women even if he really doesn't mean to. It's so easy to be vulnerable when you miss a man in your life. One of my husband's favorite quotes (from a Wayland Jennings song) was "Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be." He used it a lot when we were dating because we had both been through awful divorces and were skeptical about the relationship that was developing between us. Took us 5 years to decide it was right and get married. Just my 2 cents worth. Have a good day! Mary JO

[armaiti]

Becky - I'm with Mary Jo - this guy wants it all and isn't able to commit it seems, and you don't need the heartache!

Lauriel - I used to be haunted by being in the ER when they were working on Ishaq, and hearing the doctor's words - "anything else we do now would be futile", and all of a sudden realizing he wasn't coming back into his body. I used to try and transpose a more peaceful image of him on top of that one - for me it was the way he looked after we had dressed his body for cremation and done ceremony, but also sometimes just thinking of him sleeping and restful. I knew I would never forget the ER scene, but at times it felt safer and healthier for me to focus on something else, even though it was hard to do. I would just sit and close my eyes, breathe deeply (for me, I'd maybe do a Sufi breath practice, but any deep breathing practice would work, like breathing in four counts and out four counts) and try to see the more peaceful image. Don't know if this is helpful to you at all, but it did help me.

And Mary Jo, I'm glad the trip went well for you too. I'm also finding that after a year, it's a bit easier to go places where Ishaq and I had been together and had fun together. Now the memories are just sweet, without it hurting quite as much. And I do feel him with me.

Last night we sang at the Interfaith Service which was very beautiful. It used to be hard for me to go there without Ishaq because we had performed at it so often (that Youtube video of us singing was from one of those services).

It is cooler and very autumn-like today, with overcast skies. I'm going to go visit a close friend today who is having what we are calling "chemo-lite" treatment - a fairly low dose to make sure they got all the cancer out during his operation. I'm getting ready to do a big sale of all the belly dance clothes and Middle Eastern imports that Ishaq and I had planned to vend at the belly dance festivals. I haven't been writing as much, but I've had Carol and Chris still here and we've been having a good time together.

I feel for all of you that are having hard times with anger and hurt right now, and keep you all in my prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Just a word on "closure." In a support group I was in years ago, we were told to close the door but leave a window. In other words, you can't go back but you can look back and remember. I've thought of that a lot since I hit the 1 year mark. I think that's what I did with the Black Hills. MJ

[airymoon]

i came home today and found my 14 year old reading a post on the computer.it was about the 911 attacks and there was an audio of a little girl reading a letter she had written to her dad one year after the attack. It was telling him how much she had learned to do and how much she had missed him. She kept asking if he could see her. My son had restarted it so i could listen and when i looked at him he was crying and so was i. I gave him a hug and he just lost it and was sobbing. I asked him if it made him think of his dad and he said yes and all the things he is missing and we are missing because he isn't here.

and it made him mad that so many people lost their loved ones because of terrorists. I hate that my kids are going through this. I've heard a lot of people say that there is a lesson in sll things and god is showing us and it is our jaob to find it. ok maybe there is and i have learned that i should have let some things go that now i think were stupid to even get upset over.nut we are human and we get upset over little things so...but i want to know what the lesson is for my kids what could they possably learn from losing their dad that they adored and admired. I told my son once that we were supposed to look for a lesson in all things and he said like what thatyou cant trust god and thatbad things happen. I didn't know what to say but i knew how he felt. i just told him i didn't think that was the lesson but i didn't kow what was. I didn't understand when i read all the posts saying the second year was harder for them. I thought i must be missing something or maybe i moved along the healing path further than others. But lately i have been having a hard time. I cant eat and i cant sleep or i sleep too much i thought it might be because i missed my "Friend" but i realize it's because i miss kurt so much i always did but now im not distractd from the pain and lonliness and its hitting hard. It may be worse because the fist year i was in shock and numb for most of the year. I functioned but mainly on auto pilot. and now im in more of a reality state. I also think the first year i did alot of things like building the deck and taking care of the things he usually did to prove to myself that i could do it and to make him proud of me/us. now i know i can but i dont want to and ok so i can now what. I dont like ot and i was expecting to be all settled in and im not im still drifting without a grounding without a safety line. All i really know is this sucs and its not fair. I hate it.

becky

[mishknit]

becky...

ugh...

that has been the lesson and truth of the second year for me...the reality hitting. It's been harder, in many ways, and i didn't expect it either. i am so sorry for your son, my son is in the same situation..he started high school this year, turns 15 next week....so many things that tom will miss, and he is so aware of them all. the pin he feels is palpable, as is mine..it's a very hard time.

i know we can congratulate ourselves for geting thru the first year and all the stuff we had to do, but, i STILL have so much to do, and it keeps cropping up. not tonite.but soon, i will write about this month in particular and the last 2....it is all just so hard, and the reality is so clear! i spend more time talking to him and less getting answers..probably because i know he's not here, and feel i;m talking to him for no good reason except some small comfort.

a reason, everything happens for a reason? what the f^# possible reason could there be for a beautiful, loving husband and father, in my case at 51, to just die??? i don't believe there's a reason or a lesson to be learned, and if there is, if that's who god is, then i really want no part of him/her/it!

i am grateful for this place to vent..but not grateful for much else these days...my son,....that's about it. I am grateful that i had the experience of loving and being with my beloved tom, but the cruelty of him being gone...there's no gratitude, or discernable reason, there.

HUGE BIG UGLY SAD SIGHS!!!

Michele

[airymoon]

michel==amen to the reason thing yes i have learned things from kurts death and so have my kids but these lessons areones that can be learned through a less painful way. Ive also beentold that kurt learned what he needed and it was his time, What the hell! He could have taught my kids so much more if he would have been here he was only 43. The one thing he told me was that he had realized just how much he really loved us and how much he had taken for granted and he was going to put in an extra effor t to make sure we all knew that,He never got the chance. Hell of a lesson to learn and then take him before he could apply it. Also my son will be 15 oct.5 and he also started high school this year

becky

[airymoon]

ok heres what i think im glad iget to vent and tell all of you everything i do but i want to try to post one thing positive at the end of each post. even if its something silly like the sun was shining today...so here is my positive thing....my kids were all together last night even though it was late and my oldest gave me ahug when he went back to his apartment

becky

[lindat]

My thoughts are with each of you that are going through hard times right now. I know that if Jim hadn't been so persistant, I would be right there with you and I am so grateful to be spared that pain to some extent. We finally did the biopsy yesterday and will know more in 2 weeks. This relationship has been very difficult in that the shadow of Terry is everywhere. Jim seems to be dealing with it fine, but I have had some very emotional periods lately. He is very patient, but has been in therapy for much of his adult life and is trying to make me face some issues that I never have - abuse as a child and being abused by a couple of husbands. I have felt like running many times in the last month, but I am still hanging in there, in part because he needs me right now. My oldest daughter tells me to stick it out because it may be the most honest relationship I have ever had, but it is so hard to deal with buried issues along with all the raw emotions. I read every day and my thoughts and prayers are with you all. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you guys. Michele, I am grateful for you. xoxox Linda

[armaiti]

Hi everyone, I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat today. Glad Carol and Chris are still here, as it helps to have folks around when I feel crappy. I'm just tired all the time lately it seems, probably the change of seasons. And just really missing Ishaq all the time. It's a dilemma really for me...I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life, yet I don't want another man in my life! Talk about a catch-22. It really just sucks sometimes, even though I am thankful that he died the way he did without pain and suffering.

I went to see a friend while he had his chemo last week. As I was walking in there was a woman in the doorway of the waiting room crying. A lot of the folks there looked just awful and it scares me to be there sometimes (my friend looks great, he is having a very low dose of chemo, doesn't make you lose your hair or get sick), as I hate to think about growing old and maybe getting sick and dying in a hospital. I think I'd go put myself out on a mountain for the bears if it got to that! I just HATE being sick, even this annoying little cold gets me down, Ishaq used to joke with me that I make a really lousy sick person because I like to whine. Sigh.

Guess I'll go take another hot bath, and watch a movie...Carol and Chris went to a friends to sit by their outdoor firepit, but I just didn't feel up to going.

Hope you all are doing better than me tonight

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Linda, you must have been posting at the exact time as me! I will keep Jim in my healing prayers, as well!

Blessings,

Anna