I Miss Him So...

[naz496]

at 7 mths and 8 days since Mal died I had my first dream about him, cant remember all of it but Mal didnt died, he was dying , but I got to say goodbuy. cant remember the rest. Woke this morning feeling a little better. hope all is well for everyone.

naz

[rodless]

Cheryl, I think you have reached what we are all trying for... acceptance. I for one am encouraged by that! Whether or not we have a new man makes no difference. It's being at peace with the memories and the fact that we find life worth living again. I am so excited for you! Mary Jo

[sweetwilliam]

I am not sure where to begin...I guess I will ask if any of you had a really hard time between 4 and 5 months? It seems like I have taken major steps backward. Not that I was doing so great before, but lately I just can not seem to accept the fact that Bill is not here with me. He and I have a strong faith, so I know he is in Heaven and I will see him again, but while that gave me some solace intially, it does little to ease my pain lately. I talked to my Priest two days ago and he was wonderful. I can be completely honest with him, even sharing my thoughts of wanting death for myself and he just seems to say the right thing. Then, today I went to a sporting goods store and tried to buy a gun. The strange twist of fate in that is I live in a state that just doesn't sell anyone a gun, they do a background check that takes awhile, so as I was filling out the forms, the salesman was talking to me and when I told him my huband and passed recently, he stopped the transaction. I guess they train the sales staff for people like me. WOW, I feel so guilty for sharing that with you all. How can I call myself a Chrisitan and then consider taking my life? The thing is, I did not care about going to Heaven or hell - just stopping the pain...

God must have forgiven me though, because when I got home my son-in-law was here. He has been out East on a business trip and stopped to see me before he went home. He said he just "had a feeling I needed to talk." Boy, did I ever...I told him everything and all he did was hug me and tell me that he understood. No lecture, just pure love. My husband loved my son-in-law so much, that I truly felt Bill's spirit was with us.

I really do not think I have ever been so exhausted in my life - does it get worse before it gets better?

Susan

[ltl4ever]

sweetwilliam, I'm so sorry your in so much pain. I am absolutely new here and I think I'm still numb so I'm not sure I can offer anything of substance but my prayers are with you.

[chrisr]

It sounds as we all have the same feelings of loneliness and frustration that we are experiencing this pain. I used to say if you don't take a chance and love you're not living your life fully. But it sure can hurt when someone you love passes. No matter how you view death it's awful to have people gone from your life.I am trying to move forward and find the joy in life again, but the happiness will just never be quite the same again and I need to accept that.Sitting around too much just puts me in a bad space so try to keep active and busy. Does anyone have suggestion on ways to meet new people when you are in your late 50's? chrisR

[lindat]

ChrisR - most communities have senior centers - for people over 50 or 55. If your community has one, there may be something of interest for you there. They have trips, dancing lessons and other offerings. Our center has a wonderful billiard room and I have gotten back into shooting pool. I am the only woman, while not all the men are single, I have been asked out twice by two guys that are, since I started going there 3 weeks ago. It was funny because I am not looking right now, just want to find new interests and have fun. I think the trick is to find something that enjoy doing, and then go do it. My thought is that if you don't want a person with a drinking problem, you would probably not want to go to a bar to meet new people I took dancing lessons a few months ago and that was fun too.

[chrisr]

That's a good idea I find a lot of people my age are retired and activities are geared to that. I am not looking to meet a man,but would enjoy some friends. I have a couple of friends but both have recently met men so are otherwise occupied. Tried a dinner club type of thing but didn't really get anything out of that. So will just keep trying, it's definitly different when you have lost your husband and best friend in the world. Have a lot of life left so need to figure it out. Appreciate any suggestions.chrisR

[armaiti]

Susan, I think we all have those feelings of wanting to end our lives to ease the suffering. My own personal belief is that if I took my own life, I wouldn't be able to be with Ishaq. Our Sufi beliefs are different, and I have beliefs that come from my own experience and my other faith traditions I follow, the native path and earth spirituality path, and I feel that I have to live my life to the best I can even if it is hard and painful sometimes. If I took my own life, I would hurt my friends and family, and myself, because I wouldn't have lived out the lessons I need to learn in this life. (I don't apply this to death with dignity, if I had a terminal painful disease I would completely be into dying in a dignified way by using the suicide drugs...I believe once a person is on that road,it is already the road to the other side, and ok to pass gracefully in a manner of your own choosing)

My mother bought a gun, and no one stopped her. She killed herself, not because her love had died, but because he was divorcing her. If you have feelings that led you to that gun shop, then you may need more help than your priest can give. I'm not a therapy person, but if I got to the point that I felt I might kill myself I would seek help and get some medication to help.

Keep coming here and writing. It gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets better again. At 4-5 months for me it was Thanksgiving and Christmas, my first ones without Ishaq, and that REALLY SUCKED. It's just a roller-coaster and it's not the same for any two people.

Chris - when Ishaq and I first got together I volunteered at the Red Cross, where he worked. Volunteering somewhere might be an option to get you out of the house and meet some new people. What are you interested in? I'm not sure where you live, but even in Eugene, which isn't huge, there are lots of volunteer opportunities, from the art center, to the the arboretum, and lots of non-profits. I know from working at the Red Cross that these places really need volunteers to keep them going, and if it's not a good fit, you can find another one that fits better. I've thought of volunteering at the Humane Society since I love cats so much, but I'm afraid I'd bring home a new kitten every day!

Peace,

Anna

[sweetwilliam]

Thank you for your replys. I think one of the things that has really bummed me out lately is that it seems all my friends think I have had enough time and it is time to move one. If I hear one more person say "Bill would want you to live life to the fullest", or "You have to create a new life, find a new way to live without Bill", etc...I will scream. Right now, I do not care about even living today, so the future really does not seem to matter. My best friend (we grew up together) was here to visit me for a week. He and his wife loved Bill so much, that I was surprised at the comfort I got from their visit. They had absolutely no expectations of me. They let me go on and on about every fear I have - should I have seen some signs that Bill would have a sudden massive heart attack, did I do CPR right until the paramedics came, should I have begged the doctors to try a little longer to try to bring Bill back...??? I am 55, I loved Bill for 37 years (we met the first day of college), were married for 36 years and NOW I am to just get on with my life? Bill was not sick, I never expected to lose him at 56. The doctors said they could not have saved him if he had been in the hospital when the attack happened, yet I still ask the "what ifs" - I thought I was over that. What has happened that I am regressing???

Susan

[cheryl36]

Mary Jo-Thank you so much for your support!! I greatly appreciate it!! Susan I too am very sorry for your suffering, Scott was my everything, and I can't answer when it was the worst for me, because my Scott has been gone 2 years and 8 months on the 28th, and I believe I couldn't get a grip for 2 years. But please keep in mind, everyone is different. Grieving is very tricky, one minute you think that your gonna be okay, and the next, you feel like you can't go on, like you can't take another breath. Please give yourself a break, take care of yourself. And allow yourself to take it minute by minute if need be. I can't say that I am great, but I can look back and say "wow I can't believe I got this far" Please keep your faith, and take it slow. God love you all!

Cheryl

[sweetwilliam]

Cheryl, I appreciate everything you posted and will try "minute by minute"...

Anna, So sorry for the loss of your Mother - I hope my mentioning wanting to buy the gun did not bring back sad memories for you. I would not want to add more pain to what you are going through. I really hate the thought of any therapy because I am sure drugs would be involved and I am too afraid to start taking any kind of drugs. However, I do not trust myself any longer, so I will call and make an appt. in the morning. I love my family so much and I know that after just losing my husband they would not be able to handle losing me also. Maybe the therapist can get me to begin to act like the mother and grandmother I should be. Thank you for being so caring...

Susan

[armaiti]

Susan, your bringing up the gun didn't bring anything back...my mother and I actually weren't very close, I had moved away and didn't see her often - lots of dysfunctional family stuff that I don't need to go into!

I thought of something else that might help - I take herbal tinctures when I need something for depression. I have a wonderful herbalist friend who makes the most amazing remedies (her business is http://www.terrafirmabotanicals.com and they are sold in a lot of health food stores). After Ishaq passed, she gave me two main tinctures to take: St. John's Wort, which is an herbal anti-depressent, and Borage. She said the Borage was for courage, that borage was a plant ally in keeping me strong. I went back and took some the other day after the Fair was so hard and have been feeling much better since then. I won't take any kind of anti-depressents because I know they interere with dreaming and that's how I still communicate with Ishaq mostly. (Though today I went for a walk/run and found a raven feather at my feet on the way back, like Ishaq was saying "good for you for getting back out there

Hope this helps a little,

Peace,

Anna

[fourleafclover]

I dreamed about W last night. It was him, but it wasn't him. My heart knew that it was him, but he looked so different. Not like him at all? I don't understand why? I need to see him the way he was, not in another body. It upset me so, yet when I was with him in my dream, I had the same intense love that I have always had for him. I don't understand why he appeared to be so different. It upset me so much. Anyways...I found a picture of us when we were 9 years old and when I looked closely into his eyes...it's almost as if I could see something was wrong then already. Dark circles around those beautiful dark eyes. Should we have known? Would it have changed anything? Would he have lived had we known? Urgh...the questions and what if's are driving me crazy.

Lisa asked whether we feel guilty with our new loves. YES! Big time! I know my husband deserves so much more than what I am offering him. I find it so hard to give him my whole heart. How can I when such a huge part of it belongs to W. I feel so guilty about that. I do love him and I love W too. Is that even possible? Or is it because there will never be closure? That brings me to another question. If we are to be reunited with our loved ones oneday...who decides who our loved ones are? Will it be the one we lost...our soulmate...or will it be the now loved one...who decides who the love of our lives are or were? That scares me...I love them both and couldn't choose. I had such an unbreakable connection with W...he was my everything since I was a little girl and I thought and still feel sometimes that I cannot go on without him. Then I have my husband whom I feel I cannot face carrying on without. He gives me strength and the will to get up each day. I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out who my heart really belongs to? Will I turn to my husband if I had the answers that I so desperately need from W? Urgh!!!!!

Naz...I know how dark things are around you at the moment. It took me 7 years to just try and find some meaning. I was so consumed with my loss...and didn't realise that everything around me was carrying on as though nothing happened. I missed out on 7 years of my children. Yes, I was there for them and I took care of them...but I didn't notice... My daughter went from a bubbly nine year old to a beautiful, beautiful sixteen year old overnight...and I didn't even notice. I feel as though she grew up right infront of me...but I was too blind to even see it. I know you are aching terribly, and I know you feel that you may never feel better...but try, even only for your beautiful children. You'd be surprised how much better they can make you feel. I did. Thinking about you and praying that you feel better.

Blessings to each and every one of you.

[aprilmoonflower]

lol anna! I just wrote an article for AC on borage!

[armaiti]

Fourleaveclover - my first impression on reading about your dream was that he might have been showing you what he will look like in his next physical form. I don't know if you believe in reincarnation or not, but that's the feeling I got from the dream.

As for who we end up with, I don't have any answers...I think that when we leave our bodies, we become pure love, pure spirit, though I also believe we can be in the form we are familiar with for a while (since there is no time there, I really don't have a finite idea, this is just what I believe based on my own experience with Ishaq communicating with me, and talking to a good friend who is a Native American medicine man, who validated for me that I would be with Ishaq when I crossed over. He actually said "all of them will be there" meaning everyone I loved or loved me who had crossed over.) And since we aren't bound by time and space then, maybe it's possible to be in more places at once? It's all speculation until we get there, I guess.

I know i think often about what Ishaq may be experiencing...he loved John Lennon, so did he meet him and sing with him? And our Sufi teachers, has he sat at their feet learning more of the ways of the universe? It gives me comfort to think of all he must be experiencing, and will be able to share with me when I get there. I'm trying to keep that in mind as the anniversary of his passing approaches, that he was freed from a body that caused him pain and suffering, that he no longer has to poke himself with needles so many times a day, wake up all night with excruciating leg cramps from medications, or become incoherent from a low-blood sugar crash. He was such a high spiritual being in a body, he was a great Sufi teacher, and his goal was to become one with the Beloved, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it.

Peace to all,

Anna

[amberi]

Susan - I wanted to say I can understand, when my children were back east I got very depressed and wanted to end it. Alex has lots of guns in our gun safe I had the means, I had the motive, I had it in my hand but then the kids faces flashed in my eyes and what thier life would turn out like, I saw my straight A student daughter who loves cheer, turn for the worse and my son who loves the outdoors end his life. It was the most scariest life changing moment. I have to stay for my kids. I already lost a daughter and couldnt imagine losing another child due to my depression. But it was hard. I hope you continue to take things minute by minute, and I dont know if it helps you but think about your children and grandchildren how hard would this be for them. The other thing is I really dont think I would have survived any of this (granted I am only 2 months into it) if it wasnt for all the people on this MB. I need to come here to keep my sanity.

I wish you all the best and may you find some kind of comfort or peace.

I will be thinking of you.

Anna - I love your explanation or discription of after you cross over, right now to me I am hoping Alex is still himself but with a sober mind like before. I feel like he was holding me last night, but if I know my husband who loved the outdoors he has either passed to an eagle or a bear.

I wish you all a safe weekend and cannot wait to login again on monday.

take care n BIG ((((((((((( H U G S ))))))))))))))

[armaiti]

Hi everyone - our Saturday paper has a weekly Interfaith column, and I wrote about Ishaq and my experiences in this last year for it. The link online is

http://www.registerguard.com/news/2007/07/21/c15.rel.trimcol.0721.p1.php if any of you would like to read it.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

that was beautiful anna.....

you are so lucky to have such a strong faith to sustain you.

peace,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, your article was simply wonderful. Your faith has been strong the entire time I have been posting. On 7/28 I will be in New York but my blessings go out to you for that day and always.

Peace,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- what a great tribute to Ishaq. the article is lovely!

Amber- that really sucks you don't have internet at home. the weekends are hard as it is, I know oh so well. I am thinking of you though and hope you are having a peaceful weekend!

[rodless]

Anna, I read your article three times and then bookmarked it. It was wonderful and spoke to any of us who have a faith. Because of you I have done some reading about the Sufi faith and I have always been interested in the Native American parth. What a great thing that interfaith column is. I will look for it regularly. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead as you reach the end of your first walk around the sun. It is a painful benchmark, but like so many things the anticipation is worse than the actual event. I hope your day will in the end be a blessing and an affirmation of what you and Ishaq had together. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Susan, I hope you are doing better. I think we all understand those feelings of desperation and just wanting to be with our loves again. This is SO hard but we'll all get through it in our own way and time. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and words about the article. I got back from my friend's wedding a while ago, and it was ok until a friend asked me "so how come you and Ishaq never got married?" He didn't mean anything unkind, but it really set me off when I got home. Ishaq's divorce was very messy and traumatic for him, and he told me he never wanted to get married again. I could understand, but part of me was hurt too that he didn't want to marry me, even though it wasn't personal. And it wouldn't have changed anything, we had a great relationship. There were other complicated financial reasons not to get married as well. But it was hard to have someone ask me this at our friend's wedding, when I was thinking a lot about how much I wished Ishaq was there. I was taking pictures, which kept me occupied, and wearing 3 inch heels, which also kept me occupied to make sure I didn't step in between the bricks and go flying! But that question really got to me.

Bacafly - Rant all you want, this is the place for it! My belief in the divine is, to me, different than what a lot of people would call God. I actually use the term "god" very little, as I've always felt that most people relate that to the more Christian version of the divine, which is not what I believe in. I believe we are all part of one energy or spirit, and return to that Oneness when we pass, and even at times can feel it when we are here in bodies. I feel that there are different incarnations of this divine spirit, which is what the masters, saints and prophets are, people like Jesus, Buddha, Tara, White Buffalo Calf Woman, etc. And that we have a path here that we signed up for, in a sense, before we incarnated. So Ishaq and I signed up to be together for this short time. I'm hoping the next time around we sign up for a longer, happy time together, and he gets a nice healthy body. I don't think having faith gives you all the answers, though, and you can really only find answers in the way that's right for you. I tend to not let others tell me what to do or believe, I'm stubborn that way! It's a tough one for us who have lost our beloveds to try and figure out, why now? why them? All I can do is believe the love is still here, that they are with us alway, and we will be with them again.

Blessings,

Anna

[sweetwilliam]

Anna, your article is beautiful! I am taking the "herbal route" for now, also. I have never been able to tolerate even common medication (like asprin) so I did not think the doctor would want me trying any traditional anti-depressants and he did not. I will meet with him once a week to talk about some of what I am going through and take a combination of different herbal supplements, until I find the right combination. A good friend of mine owns a natural foods store that sells herbal supplements, so she is helping me chose some to start with. I spent all of Friday and Saturday outside doing tons of yard work. Today, I spent walking the beach with my dog and just watching the waves as we rested. Being outside is probably the best mdicine I can think of. Since it was the 22nd today, I knew I would keep going back to that night, so I knew I had to be some place that gave me peace. The beach does that...

Susan

[sweetwilliam]

Anna, I forgot...the question about why you and Ishaq never married. I am sorry that he chose to ask you this at a wedding (of all places), but in reality I have always been a firm believer that sharing true love does not require a piece of paper that says you are married. Think of all the people that never find true love or worse "settle" and get married just to be married - how sad... What you and Ishaq shared was so special that I hope your heart can remember THAT is all that matters...

Susan

[armaiti]

Susan, thank you. In my heart I do know that, we had a very special relationship and I know how much he loved me and still loves me. I really didn't want to go to the wedding, but felt I needed to go to support my friend.

I spent the afternoon walking by the river, then floating in my little pool in the backyard and reading magazines, just vegging out, which was good. Tomorrow I've got to start getting the house in order for the visit from Ishaq's sister and her husband, and work on the garden too. But today I decided just to goof off and take it easy to make up for the stress of yesterday!

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

for those going the herbal route for help with depression,etc. you might look into the amino acid sam-e. (I am writing an article about it but I know someone who used it with some success.) anyway I just thought I'd out that out there though! just don't take it if you have schizophrenia or are bipolar. it can be taken with anti deopressants too. also from what I've read MOST people who are depressed have vit B and folate deficiencies as well. something to think about and research if you are inclined anyway.

must go clean DD room now as it rained and our walls are leaking in the 2 front bedrooms! great. just what I need. I have no idea what the problem is and don't want to know how much it will cost to fix! gah!

[sweetwilliam]

Aprilmoonflower, thanks for the info on the herbal supplements. Not sure if this is the problem, but I also had a water stain on a wall after a rain storm. My house is three stories, so even though my son-in-law offered to check out the roof, I would not let him go up on it. I called three roof contractors and got three different "solutions" for my problem. I decided to let the contractor that said it was just the flashing around the chimney do the job, since I remembered my husband having to do that it in the past (my husband had absolutely no fear of heights!!). That fixed the problem and was less than $300.00. Don't you just hate these types of problems? I swear that my appliances are talking to each other, since I have had to replace three of them since Bill passed.

Anna, Glad you took today "off". Very good friends of ours are getting married on August 11th and I am struggling with how I will make it through the the day. This will make you smile - the reason they are getting married is in his words "The grandchildren are asking too many questions" - they have been together for over 20 years!!

Susan

[Error username not found]

anna- i get what you mean.. i just dont think church or any of that is true..i have my own way of thinking about god..and trust me im very stubborn. its just interesting to see other ppls point of views.by the way..what type of native american are you? my grandmother was native american but i never knew anything about it..ok well im goina bed now. goodnight everyone.

[rodless]

I can't believe it's raining in the desert. I have brown crunchy grass and the corn is in big trouble here. I have not mowed in 6 weeks. It will probably rain the 2nd weekend in August when I'm getting a new roof.

I am always astounded at some people's insensitivity or stupidity and I'm sorry you had such a bad day, Anna. I have a cousin who's been in a steady secure relationship without marriage for 28 years which I envy. I agree - a piece of paper does not always signify security. What's in your heart is what matters.

This was kind of a rough weekend. I guess the 2nd year brings its own set of emotions. The relief of getting through everything once has give way to the feeling that I can't believe I'm still such a mess. Aughh!! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

maryjo- lol. we have a monsoon season every summer. it rains daily actually and should for another month or so! I am at 4000ft though in the high desert. you should see the snakes, scorpions and spiders! hehe. I will need to majorly weed my yard soon too. it's all weeds and rocks, literally, no lawn.

I'm sorry you are having a rough weekend. this second year has been rough for me in alot of ways. I am so glad the 2year anniversary is coming up in some weird way. and I have decideded I don't plan on doing anything special that day either! (I may take some flowers over to the cross onthe road but I am thinking not, I just may feel guilty.oh well?) I have a single parent meetup that day too. I am now the co organizer too after only a month! so the group has been a great fit for me and the kids! =) I am trying to stay positive and focus on the present and future. so sick of thinking about the past,yk?

[lindat]

Anna, Terry and I were together 21 years and even though we never married, we were totally committed to each other. Marriage would have made my social security bigger and I would have gotten his retirement, but that was about the only difference. I have no regrets, and would joyously do it the same way all over again.

Mary Jo, I don't think you are a mess

[sidvis]

I have accepted a ring from my man-friend. So, yeah, I am definitely moving on. I never, ever thought it would be possible, but through all the hard work of this grief I have come out alive. It is scary to think of having to bury this husband too, to allow myself to love another person so intensely. But it is so worth it. Everyone, it is possible to live and be happy again. Just keep your faith, and take each day as it comes. Peace to all.

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- wow that is so great! I am so happy for you! when is the wedding?

[rodless]

Sidvis... how wonderful! You are a great example of what can happen when you deal with the grief, accept the loss and decide to move forward with life. Best wishes for many good years ahead!

Linda, thanks. Some days are better than others. This one is one.

I made a decision today. I have the weekend - Wednesday off and I'm going to head west to the Black Hills. I need the smell of the pines and the sound of the creeks. I'm going to take it easy and if I decide to turn around, so be it. I have a friend who would go with me but I really want to do this on my own. See all the things Rod and I loved so much. I think in a way it will be a goodbye that needs to be said. I'll love that man forever but I need to live the rest of my life content.

Hope all are having a good Monday. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

MaryJo- that's awesome. I hope you find some peace. I bet it will be really good for you!

[amberi]

Hi everyone, wow so many post. I too do not think a piece of paper changes anything. Me and Alex were together 6 years before we got married and we got married cuz our daughter wanted us to. She was asking alot of questions but I think she really wanted the party. lol.

I am in such a happy mood I have had two dreams of Alex and I feel Like I have fallen in love with him all over again, but right now I am not sad. He came last week on thurs, and then last night Thurs I couldnt figure it out but I think he is telling me to fight and give them hell, the way he was with his cousin and acting had he been here that is what I would have done, or I cant bear the fact that he is laughing at me. Then last night we were laughing and wrestling like old times he was telling me all the things I need to do, then I was running and he was chasing me we were laughing so hard he fell down, then I went to walk over to him and someone said that I need to be around different types of people and handed me a manila envelope with a paper inside I turned and looked at Alex and he was just sitting there and this person made me walk away. I never saw what was on the paper. but the laughing and sitting with him made me smile from ear to ear. And I guess I was wrong when I said that if you touch them they are trying to take you with them cause I was sitting on his lap and kissing him and I am ok.

The strange thing is I still maybe more now feel like he will come home but Im trying to stay in reality that, that will not happen but I am walking around on cloud nine again.

Hope today is going well for you all, missed you this weekend, I am going to really try and get a new computer asap.

Take care

amber

[mishknit]

Congrats sidvis.. that's great news.

and mary jo..good for you! i really feel that there is something so empowering about solitary travel, and it is such a good way to clear your head. you're in a new place, with no responsibilites, and you can be whoever you want, feel what you feel, and, in our cases, not have the constant reminders surrounding us thAt we live with every day. Even when i went on what i call my memorial tour, and scattered ashes up and down the coast, i was freer, and i loved visiting those places we had loved together.

i can't wait to hear how it went!

peace,

michele

[johngee]

MaryJo,

I too, will be interested in hearing about your trip. Reading your post, it somehow seems like it will be a healing venture. My wife and I loved the California Coast. We traveled it through to Sonoma for our honeymoon (couldn't afford the Caribbean or Italy), and over the years, took several vacations to different places along the way. The thought of going back to the favorite and most memorable places is emotionally overwhelming.

John

[naz496]

Great news NOT

Montanna 3yo hemoraged last sunday night, it was nearly the scariest experience I have had. all that went through my mind was not my daughter too, you have taken Mal not monty as well.

. I have nevr seen so much blood. I called an ambulance, and off to hospital and been there for a few days in high dependence unit of kids unit. GP told me it was ok to give her neurophen 7 days after touncils. specialst now say not before 21 days post opp, can cause a bleed. I couldnt think I dont remember what happened exaxctly. she just collasped and her eyes were awake but knowone ways home.sh..t, is this not enought for us this year.

Montanna is ok now, off to sydney tomorow to see specilaist for her.

light some candles for us will you I dont know how much more bad luck we can have.

naz

[rodless]

Naz, I am so sorry. I'm glad things are better with your little girl but keep us posted because we all care!

Thanks for the encouragment about the trip. Last night I was lying in bed wondering what in the heck I was thinking taking off by myself to a place that had such strong connections to Rod. Now this morning I'm ready to go again and am reminding myslef that I can always turn around or go a different direction. Up and down, up and down. No wonder my stomach is in knots. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Naz, I will include your daughter in healing prayers - and you too. You have been through so much! I wish I lived closer and could come offer some support...if only to make you guys dinner or something.

Sidvis, congratulations!

Mary Jo, I hope the trip is healing for you. I find that going to places that Ishaq and I loved and went to together is easier by myself than it is with most other people. I took a trip to a Sufi Camp in about 6 weeks after his passing with a friend, and it was a big mistake - this friend wasn't the right person to go with. I find when I'm by myself, I can talk to Ishaq and feel what I need to feel without sorrying about dealing with another person. And the Black Hills are a powerful place...I've never been but hope to get there someday.

Amber, what a great dream! I know that feeling of walking on a cloud after one of these visitation dreams, because I know Ishaq is still with me and will always be with me, even if I don't see him or dream to him all the time.

I think it was you asked what kind of Native American I have in me. I can't prove I'm any actually, because my dad was adopted, but I do have some of the family names on his mother's side and I found that same name on the Cherokee Dawes lists, and the region and age are right, so I believe it is my great-grandmother who was part Cherokee. I think she was part Miami Indian too, that was a notation on her card.

Blessings,

Anna

[amberi]

My dream/visits go from bad to good not sure what is goin gon had another last night that he was caught on video having sex with someone else. but I dont care the dream the other night was all I want to remember.

Naz- I hope she will be ok, I will be thinking and praying for you both to have a more peaceful time.

Anna - I wasnt the one who asked but I am 1/4 Black foot on my fathers side (who I disowned when I was 15) but you have sparked an intrest in finding out more about this type of life.

Michele and Mary Jo - I want to say thanks for sharing I have to scatter Alex and all his friends want to be there so now Iam thinking about doing a trip to places that he loved and some that we loved. Im thinking about maybe taking him up to Brookings, OR where he always took salmon trips and places around here, and down to Morro Bay and then thru the hills of Carmel Valley which is nearby. I think he would like that beeter then 1/2 in the ocean 1/2 in the mountains. he would still go into both of these places but more scattered to the spots he loved.

Sidvis - I wish you the best and congrats, I am so new in this journey that starting over sounds so strange, but it does give me more peace that when the time is right you (me) can move on to love again.

[mishknit]

amber...

tom is scattered in and around cambria..right by morro bay, and in carmel, and all up and down the coast...i like d doing that...felt like our last trip together, and when i go bsck to those places i know he's there.

And John..as you can see i was talking about the CA coast...went to wine country too....it was very healing emotionally for me, but certainly we're all so different.

naz..hoping all turns out ok for montana...i am so sorry you have to deal with this too.

and mary jo....i can't wait to hear about thetrip..you've got to go1 and, you're so right, if it's too hard, turn the car around and go somewhere new, soemwhere to make a new memory of yourself, your new self.

peace, michele

[amberi]

Michele - you sound so close, Im on the central coast near monterey. Are you near by? Im curious if anyone is close bye.

Did you have a sense of closure when you scattered him? I feel like cuz I didnt bury Alex I cant seem to get closure. We always said we both wanted to be scattered but we had never had anyone in our families be cremated so I kind of feel like Im missing part of it, my daughter is feeling lost too. I told my kids that when I go do what they want if they dont want to cremate me they dont have to. I hope I will get peace I am trying to wait till his birthday in Sept. but when I look at the box I just dont feel like that is him, I just see a container? When I opened it I got emotional and now Im kinda scarred to open it, is this bad like shouldnt I feel something when I see it? sorry for rambling just allot of things gettin stirred up.

amber

[mishknit]

Hi amber..

no, I am in sCAl...l.a. area..but love the whole central and north coast..south coast for that matter. i love CA..it is a beautiful state1

In my grief group we talk about the word closure as a joke. closure? how can we ever really get closure? i don't believe there is or ever will be such a thing. closure is what other people want you to have so you can get on with your life to please them.

I loved scattering tom, and know he loved it too. there are more places he needs to be, and everywhere i go i take a few ashes, so he can join me. if he was buried i would never go to the gravesite..i know it. he's not in the grave, he's not in those white ashes...he wasn't in the hospital room when i came after his sudden death. I'm not sure where he is, but i know he wasn't his body, just as i'm not mine...and i believe you're not yours. he will always be with me, in me, the things he did, said, the way he changed my life. when i scatter his ashes in places he loved i feel a sense of peace, and gratitude that we had those experiences together.

i hope this helps, this is what in believe, and i know he did too. the sad part for me is that there will be noone to do that for me...but that's just me being selfish. But i will not be buried, that will be lear in my will. and i know my son will honor that.

hang in there amber..you are so new at this. It's been 18 months for me...it changes constantly.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Michele - I have put some of Ishaq's ashes in a bunch of places as well...in the ocean at Sea Ranch after his son's wedding; under a rosemary in our yard; under a paper maple at a friend's who wanted to plant a tree in Ishaq's honor...and his family, friends and students are always welcome to take a few ashes wherever they go. My Native teacher told me to put the ashes I would give away in a medicine bag, and keep the ones I would have for personal use separate; I also got a beautiful cedar box that have a bunch of his ashes that went to his father, and right now are with his younger sister. He loved to travel so it made sense.

I thought you might be interested in what I plan on my death: that whatever of Ishaq's ashes I have left will be mingled with mine, and a tree planted over them. It seems like a nice way to finish off the ceremony of carrying his ashes through my physical life.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

I wish I had ashes instead of a grave but Rod was adamant about not being cremated... maybe his age, maybe his catholic upbriging. I spend too much time at the cemetery mostly because the dog loves to run free out there and chase ground squirrels. It's become her nightly ritual and the only place in town I can really let her loose.

Closure is a word I hate right along with grow (a buzz word from divorce days.) "closure is what other people want you to have so you can get on with your life to please them." - pefect explanation Michele. Acceptance I can deal with but I doubt I will ever find closure.

Rethinking the trip thing (AGAIN!!) because a friend said she'd ride along if I waited until September. She has friends out in the Hills to visit. I could drop her off, spend a few days on my own but have company for the long drive out and back. It is totally boring interstate. Added to the fact lodging would be 1/2 price, the weather cooler, and not so many people it makes a lot more sense. We always went in May and September to avoid the crowds. Our anniverary would have been next Monday and I think that's what got me all fired up - those dang dates.

Maybe I'll just spend the day doing whatever I feel like at the moment.

Well, enough rattling about my inability to make a decision. I've lost my sensible sounding board although I'm sure he's up there shaking his head. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Anna, I just read your memory - a wonderful one and so well described. Rod and I went to a Leo Kotke concert about 2 years ago. It was in a small theater and we had second row seats. He is amazing. Thank you for bringing that memory back to me. Peace to you as you face tomorrow. I will be thinking about you. Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

my DH ashes are taped up. they were sent to me opened by my FIL. I have no way of knowing if they are even his ashes.

I am putting them into an eternal reef ( www.eternalreefs.org ) I actually found this website though the eternal reef site! I was going to do the reef this year but there have been some location changes I need to deal with and I also decided I am going to wait until my kids will remember it. so maybe next year. I do not want to touch his ashes though. I'm not afraid or grossed out I just feel sooo not right touching them. they are currently in the hall closet (generic black urn) I put one of his favorite Phish stickers on the urn. they are holding up my cookbooks actually. lol.