I Miss Him So...

[jcruzgirl]

Hello everyone,

My name is Trish and nearly two years ago, 11/12/2005, my fiance', James Cruz died from a Methadone/Xanax combination. James went to see his doctor and the physician prescribed it to him on 11/11/05, the very next day, I found the man I love with all my heart, dead on his bathroom floor...

I really miss him, but as I am learning, Life does go on... I was reading some of your posts and even though we all grieve differently, we also grieve alike.. I have gone through so many of the things that you are having a difficult time dealing with... The one thing that I have learned through all of this is that James is ALWAYS with me, he gives me strength when I need it and holds my hand when I really need him... I look back over our relationship adn realize just how much we truly had in common and how we grew to love one another, I also realized the addiction he had was a horrible one and that even though I blamed myself for the first year, I know that it was just James life plan and if he would have not been with me, it would have been someone else...

I have dealt with so much since he died, from having to pay all of my bills myself, to getting cancer and now Sjogren's syndrome and having no one to help me through it... It has all made me a stronger woman because of it. I know that the cancer is gone, and if it stays gone for the next two years, I am not at risk.... Or so I have been told.. The Sjogrens is a pain to live with, but it is not a deadly disease..... I am alive and trying to honor James memory in the life I lead... I honor him in any ways that I can.. I have a dog now that is a stray, yet she found her way to James son, Franky, and my life and I took pictures of here that prooved to us both that James sent her to be with us. She is a joy to have around...

I know that at times it feels like my world is crashing in on me, but then I remember the fight that James fought against his addiction, which eventually killed him and I feel almost free of all of the weight that has been put onto my shoulders...

We are all individuals and even though we might believe that we will never be able to feel happy, free or love again, we will, if we allow ourselves to feel it.

I know that James is gone and not coming back, and even though I am not ready to date yet, I KNOW that James would give me his blessing to do so...

I have had way too many encounters since James passed with him that I believe that there is life after death... The dreams, smells, shells, and him holding hand when I get sad, are just a few to name.. I feel that my psychic self is growing on the inside and if James would not have died, it would be...

Love and Blessings to you all,

Tricia Ann

[mishknit]

anna...

you are so close to the date that ishaq passed...it's bound to stir up so many feelings and thoughts. I think you have a lovely plan for the day..and you are so smart about the wedding. It's true, being cameraperson will help so much to keep you occupied. as you guys know, i do weddings, that's my job, and being occupied is always a good thing. early on it was my lifesaver..now i just look at the couples and bless them, hoping they have as lovely a marriage as tom and i did.

i went by a friend's house to have a glass of wine with her..it's her birthday today, and i completely forgot my grief group, which meets every other week. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing...i missed the group, which i love, but, on the other hand, i wasn't desperately thinking about getting there..which, many weeks is the case. interesting.

anyway, anna....i'll be thinking about you especially during this time, and i'll bet ishaq will too. I'm always so interested in your dreams and the way he visits you.....hang in there anna, and enjoy what you can of the fair.

and everyone else, as always..

hugs and peace,

michele

[mamabets]

Hello everyone,

My name is Trish and nearly two years ago, 11/12/2005, my fiance', James Cruz died from a Methadone/Xanax combination. James went to see his doctor and the physician prescribed it to him on 11/11/05, the very next day, I found the man I love with all my heart, dead on his bathroom floor...

I really miss him, but as I am learning, Life does go on... I was reading some of your posts and even though we all grieve differently, we also grieve alike.. I have gone through so many of the things that you are having a difficult time dealing with... The one thing that I have learned through all of this is that James is ALWAYS with me, he gives me strength when I need it and holds my hand when I really need him... I look back over our relationship adn realize just how much we truly had in common and how we grew to love one another, I also realized the addiction he had was a horrible one and that even though I blamed myself for the first year, I know that it was just James life plan and if he would have not been with me, it would have been someone else...

I have dealt with so much since he died, from having to pay all of my bills myself, to getting cancer and now Sjogren's syndrome and having no one to help me through it... It has all made me a stronger woman because of it. I know that the cancer is gone, and if it stays gone for the next two years, I am not at risk.... Or so I have been told.. The Sjogrens is a pain to live with, but it is not a deadly disease..... I am alive and trying to honor James memory in the life I lead... I honor him in any ways that I can.. I have a dog now that is a stray, yet she found her way to James son, Franky, and my life and I took pictures of here that prooved to us both that James sent her to be with us. She is a joy to have around...

I know that at times it feels like my world is crashing in on me, but then I remember the fight that James fought against his addiction, which eventually killed him and I feel almost free of all of the weight that has been put onto my shoulders...

We are all individuals and even though we might believe that we will never be able to feel happy, free or love again, we will, if we allow ourselves to feel it.

I know that James is gone and not coming back, and even though I am not ready to date yet, I KNOW that James would give me his blessing to do so...

I have had way too many encounters since James passed with him that I believe that there is life after death... The dreams, smells, shells, and him holding hand when I get sad, are just a few to name.. I feel that my psychic self is growing on the inside and if James would not have died, it would be...

Love and Blessings to you all,

Tricia Ann

Hi Trish~ xoxoxo

I had no idea you were struggling with all of these health issues, on top of everything else....Please email me at any time, and fill me in, OK?? LOVE that puppy dog, and know that I send you worlds of love and hope!!!

Bets and her WINK from here, there and everywhere

xoxox

[aprilmoonflower]

Tricia Ann- I hope you find as much support as I have here on this board. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs and strength to you))) I lost my DH 3mo before you, so I kind of know where you are at in a way.

Amber- I'm glad your kids made it home safe and sound! my kids have never been left with a babysitter even (except their grandparents) so I can only imagine what you were going through!

Michele- I'd take forgetting the meeting as progress I think.

when I started waking up every morning and my first thought was NOT DH is dead I knew I was making progress! I don't think about him all day long anymore either. somehow I've found a way to dissconect. I know that may sound odd but the only way I can describe it! I also mourn heavily a few days to 1 week a month during PMS! the rest of the month I'm pretty ok. I'd say I am down to 1-2 bad days a month (of course I have my weeks too like everyone)but it's such an odd experience.

my 3yo is starting to talk about his dad. or rather he told me "Dada died." I asked him if he remembered him andmisses him, he said yeah. I don't really know though if he really remembers him though (how could he at 17mo?) and I rarely talk about him to my kids anymore other than showing them pictures, I don't know what to tell them that they would comprehend even as it's been almost 2 years since he's been gone? (they are almost 2 and 3yo now) I am so worried about them growing up with out a father though. I don't know why, I just feel like they will be screwed up somehow,yk? also I feel very overwhelmed knowing I am the only parent now! this is my biggest issue latley.

otherwise, my daughter who was 2 weeks old when DH died, has inherited some of DH traits it seems. like rubbing her feet together the exact same way he did right before falling asleep! and the way she gets so excited about food just like her Daddy did. it's so funny and a reminder that our DNA really does have memory! amazing stuff!

[amberi]

April - just want to say my daughter was 20mo when her sister died and she at age 15 now still remembers certain things about her. Its amazing. I always talked about my daughter also, I couldnt bear the thought of not telling her what she was like. Someone once told me I should not speak of her and take down her pictures but to me that felt like acting like she never existed. I couldnt do that. My son who was born years later I explained everything about her to him also and we go to the gravesite and bring flowers. He knows he had a sister and feels like he has a connection to her even though he wasnt here when she was. Dont know if this helps you but my daughter always tells me more now with her dad being gone but she is thankful I kept Cassandra’s memory alive. That’s what Iam trying to do with Alex to. I do however feel exactly the same as you in regards to feeling like they may be screwed up now from this and how will they (mainly my son who was his best friend) get through life without a dad and me a single parent - Im not ready for that! My daughter has always been a great kid and she was already struggling thru her teen years as it was I am so scared that this will mess everything up. ok breathe amber, ahh I feel like I could just go on and on talking.

Trish - I think the dog is a wonderful sign, I wish I could feel Alex but I think that will come in time. I bet he is up there sayin "Im not coming to see you till you’re not mad at me anymore" the way I picture him sayin this is very funny to me, it really puts a smile on my face.

Anna - my thoughts are with you, my daughters anniv. is the 17th and back in the first two years I had people I hadnt seen in a while that didnt know and it is hard. So I will be sending you all my prayers and strength. Do what feels right for you that is what is most important.

So glad you are all here (u know what I mean) it is so helpful

and Yes I am so happy my babies (ha, they are 10 and 15 not really babies) are home and safe and I get my hugs and kisses I have missed so dearly.

Take care all, lots of love going out to everyone.

amber

[armaiti]

Well, I'm back from the first day out at the Oregon Country Fair, and it was very hard to be there. I spent time mostly with a couple of close friends of ours from Southern Oregon in their booth, but I saw lots of people, most who knew and a couple who didn't, that Ishaq had crossed over. I'm glad I made the little flyers with his picture and the story about how he "died laughing" - that made it easier because I didn't have to tell everyone the story. I'm glad I made the decision to come home each day...my 18 year old cat gave me an extra excuse because she had some sort of spasm or seizure last night, very briefly, where she fell over and was kind of flailing around, but then she was ok - she seems fine today. She is 18 after all, and I've been expecting her to leave her body at any time, but she's a tough little cat! (this is Sita, my oldest cat)...anyway, it was good to see friends but I'm not looking forward to being out there tomorrow when it is crowded (it doesn't officially open till tomorrow, so today was just setup for the folks working there). I'm probably not going to go back on Saturday, maybe Sunday but I'll see. I've got all the bases covered so I can stay home if I want. We'll just see how it goes.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna..

every brave thing we do is a blessing, to us, and to our loves.

i am thinking about you all weekend...hoping you'll be ok.you have done everything to make this weekend safe for yourself, you are a very smart woman!

peace,

michele

[amberi]

Anna - It sounds like it went better then you expected. I hope you find some kind of comfort in event. Also sounds so wonderful to have a great support system while you are there.

Im sorry that I dont kow the story of your Ishaq but it sounds like he was a great man and to pass while in great spirits is such a blessing.

I send you lots of thoughts and ((hugs)) during this weekend.

I do hope your cat will be fine.

Take lots of good care of you,

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I hope your cat is ok! I will be thinking of you too this weekend! even though I am slightly jeleous! I wish we could trade places for the weekend! I am definitly coming up there next summer for OCF though! I can't wait!

Amber- thanks for your perspective on the kids! I appreciate it and it gives me some things to think about. So far I think I'm doing a damn good job! Nothing has really changed except DH just isn't here. Their lives really weren't disrupted too much thankfully! So I guess that is what they call a blessing in disguise?

[cheryl36]

Hello Anna, April, Amber, and everyone!! As another weekend approaches I just wanted to say I hope everyone is safe and has a peaceful weekend. If only for a moment. I have taken steps to finally go and seek help for nervousness, and depression. It has taken me almost 3 years to do it. But I want a life! I don't like the person I have become. I hate being nervous and not sleeping. It is very easy to fake it to everyone. But I am sick and in need of someone to talk to. Yes time has helped, but its not enough. I don't know if I will ever be "right" again. I don't know who I am anymore. I hold it together for my children, but I know they can sense I'm not right. I feel like such a bad person. I haven't lived since Scott passed 11/28/04. I'm sorry to keep rambling on, I feel like a weak cry-baby! But I hope that is about to change for me. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next thursday, which I have known him for years but never saw him profesionally. I just want to be normal, I want to come out of retirement(since Scott passed) And live. My gosh I'm only 37, and I feel like I'm every bit of 80. I don't go anywhere, or do anything, except dr.'s appointments and visit Scott at the cemetery. That's it. I want to laugh again, and not feel guilty. I want to live again, and not feel guilty. I have punished myself since ... I guess it really doesn't matter. Sorry to bother you all. Try and have a good weekend. Be safe and may God bless you all.

cheryl

[rodless]

Cheryl, You're not bothering anyone!... and good for you seeking out help!! I know how hard that is to do. I have a little yellow pill that helps me take the edge off. I asked for helped after Rod was diagnosed with cancer and I couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate etc. It slows me down but doesn't conk me out. It's worked well and I hope sometime to get off of it but not quite yet. We're all here for you whenever you need a cherring squad.

Anna, I so feel your pain. It is difficult to go and do when the one you went and did with is gone. I am going to our small county fair tonight with friends and I know even that will have some rough moments. Hang in there!

I had more problems with the year mark of the funeral than I did the year anniversary of Rod's death. Would have never throught of that. Just could not get it out of my mind. Oh well, all of it is over for the first time now, even the anniverary of the last time I saw his face and the anniversaary of the first day I spent without him. Mary Jo

[amberi]

do you all notice how we all apologize for being upset, I find it not humerouse but kinda that we all vent or get upset and then we say sorry. I am the queen of it I always worry I will upset someone but then when I see others vent and feel bad I feel bad for them. I guess it must be human nature or somethin.

Cheryl, please dont ever feel bad for expressing your feelings, you are a very strong woman and never forget it(none of us are cry babies we are just women who deeply loved our partners and thats ok.), we all need to take care of ourselves however that maybe, be proud of yourself for opening up enough to know you need to talk to someone, that is a huge step. I am so proud of you. I hope and pray that it goes good for you, you are young and should have a fulfilled life.

Mary Jo - want to share! ) The only thing I can take is benadryel at night so I can get some sleep but I am very sensative to meds. What do you take if you dont mind me askin.

April - I would say it sounds like your doin an awesome job too. I agree on those blessings in disguise!

Everyone have a great weekend my prayers to all, Im goin to take my kids to the boardwalk(summer concerts) tonight.

((((big hugs))))

amber

[armaiti]

Amber - I wanted to share that when I have trouble sleeping I've taken Melatonin, which is natural and not prescription, also a hoemeopathic remedy called "Quietude", which helps. Neither of these leaves me groggy in the morning or interfere with my dreaming.

I'm not going out to the Oregon Country Fair today, but going back tomorrow... I got through the opening ritual where we honored Ishaq and all those who have passed in the last year. It was hard. There was a woman there whose daughter died ina car accident just a few weeks ago. And my friend who is helping me lead Sufi Dancing out there is the one whose girlfriend died earlier this year. When we reached the part where people call out the names of those who have passed in the last year, it went on for a while - I was amazed how many people have left in the past year, just in this group of people.

It was very hot and dusty and I was glad to come home yesterday. I feel at a lower point lately than I have for a long time - I know this has to do with Ishaq's anniversary of his passing coming up. I'll be glad when his sister and brother-in-law arrive, they always help me a lot both emotionally and with the events I plan around Ishaq.

Sita, my cat, seems fine now...no more incidents of spasms or seizures, and she's eating fine. What is 18 cat years in human years, like over 100?

Well, it's a lovely sunny day here and I have a bunch of errands...need to try to find a dress to wear to my friend's wedding, so I'll do some shopping today, which I always enjoy.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[rodless]

Amber, I am on a very minimum dose of paxil. I thought long and hard before doing so but it has helped not only with worrying but with irritable bowel problems (caused by stres.) It's been good for me but talk to your doctor. I can't do herbal stuff because it interferes with high blood pressure med.

Anna, stay strong. I know very well the feelings you're having and I think they are probably caused by that anniverary date that's looming.

Everyone, have a good day! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Well, I'm done with the fair. I've had the worst time in a long time for these last few days. I did see some good friends, and a close friend of mine, another artist, told me she wants to pay for me to go to the Oregon Coast for 2-3 days, which is very sweet. I do have great friends and a great support system, but nothing can make up for not having Ishaq with me. I talked to his dad's wife this morning (yet another artist!) and she told me of a very sweet dream with Ishaq that she had. She understands when I say I think I will never be with another man again - she told me she feels that way about Ishaq's dad.

I was thinking just how rare a mix Ishaq was - that he was a musician too, and we could sing together. That he had a deep spiritual practice the same as mine, but that he could also be sarcastic with me and make jokes and watch football, and enjoy that I liked to get dressed up for him. He even watched Sex and the City with me and understood how excited I was to find a pair of Gucci shoes at the Goodwill. He was, as a friend of ours says "one of kind".

April, I hope you can get to the Country Fair next year. If I'm still in Eugene next year (who knows what can happen between now and then?) you'd be welcome to come stay here - the bus to the fair leaves from the mall that is just on the other side of the river, about a 15 minute walk from my house.

Amber, you meantioned you didn't know Ishaq's story...I made a memorial website for him at home.earthlink.net/~ishaqjud, if you want to see more about his passing and our life together.

Making that website was one of the most healing things for me. It took my mind off of being lonely and let me tell his story to everyone, which really helped.

I'm off to walk along the river. Have a peaceful rest of the weekend.

Blessings,

Anna

[Guest Guest]

HI; I am new to the site, and from Canada. Yesterday I held a funeral service for my husband of 32 years. I am sitting here, and thinking, how can I go on without him. He was my mentor, my lover, my friend, my foe, my muse, my ambition, my world. He was determined to be terminal on our anniversery June 21, 2007, with bladder cancer, no warning..., I just can't believe it was so quick. He was so strong, right until the end, on July 5, 2007, I do miss him, and sorry, but I just feel just so sad............. Elaine

[armaiti]

Elaine - so sorry for your loss, but this is a good place to come and talk and listen. Don't feel you have to apologize for anything. This is all very new for you. I'm just two weeks away from the one year anniversary of my beloved Ishaq's passing, some days I feel stronger and some days, like the last few, I'm just a mess. Take time for yourself, give yourself permission to grieve YOUR way and don't let anyone else tell you what to do. No one knows what is right for you but you.

Blessings,

Anna

[susanbruce]

Elaine, I am also very sorry for your loss. I believe you will find some comfort here at the site. When I first came, I was saddened and surprised at the number of us that are suffering the losses of our loves. I could not believe it. In your everday life, you just don't see it. I always thought people grieved in silence. Tell us about your husband, we all like to hear each other's stories.

One thing that gets me through each day is that I know Bruce is with me every minute of the day. Please come back to this site, you are among friends here.

Our hearts are with you,

Susan

[shabibi1]

Well, My husband's name was Ace, we were married 27 years, and lived together 5 years before that. We have no children together, but he had three from a previous marriage. We lived in northern Alberta, on my grandfathers original homestead. Thirteen years ago my husband took retirement (thank god), I worked at our Insurance Agency, and he took care of the animals and farm. What a great life we had, he could golf, farm, play with the animals at his leisure. There was 15 years difference in our ages, but when he died at 68 he was still the gorgeous and I mean beautiful man I married. He was always joking and telling stories, and loving our arabian horses......... His funeral was inside our riding arena, with his favorite mare standing saddled and ready for him to ride......... she carried his ashes , and the balance of the herd were his palbarrers. Actually right now I am having a hard time seeing the screen, I will have to tell you more later. thanks.. the sun is shing and the birds are talking and this would have been a really nice day for him. elaine

[shabibi1]

ok. I can read the screen now.... I found the something at the photo shop when I was getting Ace's photo done for a picture frame, they are wrist bands with a place for his photo. I had some done, and I wear it... I see his smiling face, so tanned and gorgeous, and I know that whatever happens, (and I mean **** will happen), his family didn't come to the funeral, one of his kids did, and I had to ask them to leave, the son was so angry and taking it out on everyone, (my husband was afraid that his children would go after me for everything), I just look at his photo and know that he is right here beside me, and loving me............. oh I hate being without him, I need him so much right now........ elaine

[missyouhoney811]

Elaie, I am so sorry you had to join our group but as many will tell you this is a good place to be to talk and vent anger. I know how much you miss him. Make sure you take care of yourself. God Bless you.......

Anna, Give yourself a hug and pat on the back for being such a great strong women. I am sure Ishaq had his eyes on you the entire time. So sorry the Fair got you down and sad but you did it. Very brave....Hugs......Hope your Sita (cat) is doing okay. My cat Samantha (Sammy) died a few weeks after she turned twenty. You do get use to having them around they become family.

Last week was a very bad week for me...............10 years 7/8/97 John became paralyzed......7/11 it's been 11 months since his death. It was a very sad and lonely week. Plus my son who usually would pick my spirits up was on vacation.

Next week will be the beginning of my busy time....7/25 I fly to New York City return 7/29.....8/4 I go to see Josh Groban and 8/5 up,up and away to Vegas. I am trying to enjoy myself and have fun to the best of my ability.

Was there a chat last Thursday?????

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

I COMPLETELEY forgot all about the chat! my bad! argh.

[rodless]

To the new names on the board.... welcome although I am so sorry you had to find this site. We all know your pain. My husband died last July 7 so I have just completed my first year without him. Things are better but I still miss him and get blindsided with memories. I'm sure that will happen for a long time but I now have more good days than bad. When I think back to last summer I can see how far I've come, but what a sad sad journey for all of us to endure. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Anna, I don't know if I ever told you that I visited your site for Ishaq. Just by looking at him, I could tell he was a kind soul. And the two of you singing together seems so happy and in tune. It is better when the one year mark is over in some ways, but it's still a struggle. Blessings to you. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

mary jo- I'm so glad you are feeling in better spirits!

my 1 year mark was easy in comparison to months 15-18. those were the worst months for me. maybe because it fell during the holidays, I don't know? I feel like I am doing alot better than ever now at almost 23 months. time really does make a difference however cliche it may sound.

not trying to scare anyone just sharing my experience.

[amberi]

Thank you all for the good info on sleep, I need it. Well at 2:30 am the police were called due to Alex's cousin and low life friend doing something strange in my backyard. I tell ya, no damn respect.

I am already struggling this week tomorrow marks my daughters 14year anniversary and Alex's 2 month is on thurs. It is hurting so deeply and then the added stress of those jerks.ahhh

I really miss you all so much on the weekends with no computer.

Elaine, I am almost into two months and thank god I found this sight very early on like you, we are very caring and understanding, it helps me getting advice from those who are further in this journey. I hope we can give you support, feed back and a shoulder to cry, scream or yell on. I wish you the best and just take it one day at a time. I memorized Alex's serenity prayer from AA "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" I say this every time I get upset and it really helps me. I send you lots of love and support, your service for your husband sounded so wonderful.

Take care of you, and same to the rest of the group.

[mishknit]

elaine,

welcome to the bb...as sorry as i am that you have to be here, i am glad you found this site...you will be heard here, and, many times, that's just what we need.

ann..i am sorry you had such a hard weekend. those things that used to give us such great joy can now cause great sorrow..but, hopefully, will once again be joyful. you are so close to your 1 year....i'm thinking of you a lot. keep posting, and we're all here for you.

and dorothy..you so close too. I'm glad you've made so many plans to keep busy...hang in.

and april..i will hit 18 months on the 21st....for some reason it feels big. a year and a half...i guess it's halfway to 2 years? whatever.....sometimes i feel like an anthropologist, studying every step of the way how i'm feeling in this terrible journey. i feel disconnected, and yet so connected, primaly..if that makes any sense?

anyway.....

hugs and peace to you all,

michele

mary jo.....

i need a good new book...any suggestions??

[chrisr]

Hi, This is my first time on a message board since losing my husband of 37 yrs. It has been almost 2 1/2 yrs but I still struggle with bouts of crying and mild depression. I also lost my son in 2002, but sometimes think I,m coping ok. Anyhow it's a bit of roller coaster ride. I'm just pretty lonely and having moved to a new city in 2000 find the lack of friends difficult. Has anyone found that things changed with friendships after being widowed? My heart goes out to all of you sharing this experience. ChrisR

[missinmyhubby]

Hello to all...I MISS YOU GALS!!!!

Sorry to see we have new people yet again, but plz know that this is truly an awesome place to come.

Well, I PASSED!!!! I AM NOW OFFICIALLY AN ATR 42/72 PILOT!!!! WHEWWWWWWWWWW!!! I leave Houston on Thursday. I will be home with the family until Sunday, then back off to North Carolina/Memphis for the week. I will keep you all posted.

I am thinking of you all daily. I am so sorry for those of you who are having a difficult time right now. You are all in my prayers!!!

Big (((((HUGS)))))

Angel

[shabibi1]

Thank you all for going on the site and giving me your caring thoughts. I am so glad that I found this board. I still believe my husband is just at the golf course, and he just gets home late, and leaves early. I really find your replies and information so great for my mind, I look forward to going on this site. Maybe misery loves company. My animals keep me sane (as that can be). I am on local government, and I guess I will find something to try and fix, and drive everyone crazy. My husband was always my supporter, and he pushed me to be the best I could be....... I think this site does the same. Well good night, and maybe I can sleep a little now. Thanks........... you are all so wonderful. Elaine

[naz496]

hi all

havent been able to come over to this site for a while I have so much going on, and I feel soooo tired. I think I am finally starting to fall apart its been 7 mths and 5 days since Mal died, and I feel like s...t For the first time I went back to bed for 2 hrs today I am just so tired. the kids have been in hospital with opperation and clinic visits as my son also has a condition, and I went to the councilor today and she says I have to get back on here, its good for me. It makes me sad to be here and I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to be happy I dont want to be sad I dont want anything any more, I am finding it harder now than when Mal first died. I hate this oooo much.

Havent read any of the posts yet as Im not in a good place tonight, but I will soon , Just wanted to let u know Im still around.

naz

[missyouhoney811]

Congratulations Angel.......................Always knew you could do it.

I just had a very strange phone call from a bill collector asking for John and she stated that he did not pay his City and School Taxes for the year 2002........My John never took care of the bills even in his healthy days. So I told her that it was impossible............she double checked the social security number.....the number proved to be someone else......BUT, HOW DID OUR PHONE NUMBER COME UP? There was no reason for our phone number to be on that tax list........Figure that out...maybe John is sending me the big four number for the day...Total mystery.

Naz, I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I know how it hurts. Please try and take care of yourself. How are your children? God Bless You................

Elaine, I felt the same way about John. I always thought he would be coming home and he was just in the hospital longer than normal. Peace To You...............

ChrisR, Our so called friends no longer came around after my husband became paralyzed. As if they could catch it. So now with John gone I actually have to find new friends. I would not want my old friends back. I could care less about them. They showed their true colors when John became sick. I was fortunate to find a friend at the nail salon.....as a matter of fact she is going to Vegas with me on 8/05. It will be the first time she is leaving her husband. I am sure we will have fun. God Bless and keep posting.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[amberi]

Well today is domes day #1 and what sucks is I know I have so many more to come. It is a very hard and painful day. I dont have much to say but just needed topost something to help me get thru the day. I hope you are all in a good space (as much as can be) take care all, n god bless

amber

[amberi]

I forgot! I have a question? I noticed several people have a memorial page to go to how or where can I go to do one of those for Alex and Cassandra. I found one but it cost a lot of money are there ones that are free?(by the way Anna your sight was beautiful I really loved it, Alex was an avid outdoorsman always going to brookings, OR for salmon fishing some of the pictures reminded me of him up there, Ishaq has a very sweet sole u can see it, I am so happy that you found such great love, and having a pic of you helps me with the names thank you for telling me about the sight)

amber

[mishknit]

i only have a second here, but

WHOOOHHOOOOO Angel!!!

congratulations! we're all proud of you!

peace, michele

[computermemaw2]

I think I am finally starting to fall apart its been 7 mths and 5 days since Mal died, and I feel like s...t For the first time I went back to bed for 2 hrs today I am just so tired. It makes me sad to be here and I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to be happy I dont want to be sad I dont want anything any more, I am finding it harder now than when Mal first died. I hate this oooo much.

naz

Naz, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Please know you're not alone. You're still early into the grief process. For me it's been 3 years, 7 months, and 17 days. I still cry every day. In the beginning most of my crying jags were so hard I'd almost make myself sick from all the crying and pain. I absolutely wanted to die, but somehow an internal survival mode stays just beneath the surface. I was too much of a coward to inflict pain on my children the few times I thought it would be so easy to just end it all. Now I find the majority of the time when I cry it's just with great sadness. I guess this is part of the accepting the situation process, for there's little else you can do about it. This is the way it is. You're at the stage now I was when I finally went to the doctor and said I can't do this on my own, nothing gives me joy, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being sad, I can't eat, and I'm tired of this life. I stayed on anti-depressants for a 1 1/2 years. The pain and sadness didn't go away, but after each episode I could at least take a breath and say "enough of this, get busy and concentrate on something else." I really and truly felt I had entered a hole that was swallowing me up alive and that if I didn't do something, anything, I was going to lose it. From experience I tell you that you have absolutely got to make yourself do something, be busy with something, anything to keep your mind busy. I will also tell you that as much as I enjoyed sewing, it was 1 1/2 years before I could even enter my sewing room after my husband passed away. What was the use? I got so much joy and pleasure showing my husband what I'd sewn and asking his opinion, and who was going to praise me now and be proud of me? I've started sewing again, but that still only comes in spurts--there are still more days than not that I honest to God just don't have the energy to make myself go up those stairs and begin sewing; yet, there are also days that when I AM able to make myself go up them, that I find once I immerse myself into sewing that I make myself concentrate so hard to keep busy, that then I find I've actually been sewing for 3 or 4 hours before I suddenly get hit with that lost feeling again. You have absolutely GOT to hang on. I've started making myself get out of the house more. I go to work (that's a have to), go with a girlfriend to church on Sunday, then we usually go to Hardees for something to eat afterwards. I've even gone to the movies by myself. You wouldn't think that would be so hard to do, but it is. And being by yourself after 33 years is lonesome. I find I'm keeping a constant vigil with myself to not show emotion when I see other couples or have a friend tell me how mad she is with her husband right now and that she's not talking to him at the moment. You are going to miss your husband forever. I had someone tell me once that these boards were bad for us--that they made us continue to live with the pain, that misery loved company. But I will tell you that for me, if I hadn't found this board, I don't know what state of mind I'd be in at this moment. I found that there were so many things I needed to say, and that I needed to know what I was feeling others who had experienced what I had had also gone through those feelings. I found I really resented folks who would say, "you'll find someone else, or Eddy wouldn't want you to feel this way, or it's been a year, it's time to move on." How dare they tell me how I was supposed to feel or what to do when they still had their loved one. I will also tell you it's going to get worse before it gets better. Life WILL go on, and you WILL survive. Life will NEVER be what it was before. Just concentrate on getting through today--nothing else matters. Now when I think to myself it's been 3 years, 7 months, and 17 days since Eddy passed away, I have started to add--and 3 years, 7 months, and 17 days that I've managed to get through another day. We are here whenever you need us. Gayle

[missinmyhubby]

Thank you all for your kind words. (((HUGS)))

Life after loss is more than just difficult...I still ask myself how I do it...I do it because I have to. I still have many years left on this earth and I just got plain tired of being unhappy, sad, miserable, lonesome, scared, depressed, and every other damn emotion that comes with this journey. I got tired of my kids being neglected, by me, there own mother. I have always said, before DH passed, "that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" Well, it felt like, and still does at times, that losing him would kill me. I will always have a hole in my heart where he belongs....

Right after our youngest was born I went back to flight instructing and went on to get my multi engine license. My DH was soooo proud, HE CALLED MY MOM FIRST!!! He scanned my temporary license and sent a copy to everyone on his email list. I was beaming!!! I have not gone after any other licenses since, just because there wasn't any to go after. I received my temporary certificate yesterday and though I am very proud of myself, I found myself still wanting to show him. It was one of those moments I wanted to walk in and say "LOOK, HONEY, I DID IT!!!" So, I kind of walked around the hotel room with nobody to show it to. So, I finally set it down on the desk and left it there. I said out loud, "there it is...", and walked away. It's an empty, damn empty, feeling that I can do nothing about. It still hurts...ESPECIALLY those times when you have something you use to share with that person...my kids, my flying, my love, all kinds of just simple little things, that I still want to share with him. I even asked if maybe he would come see me in my dreams lastnight and let me know he saw it sitting there for him, and to please let me remember that dream, and please let it be a good one!!! NOTHING... So, then comes the other life, the one that I live in now. I don't know if any of you recall how I said in the beginning of me posting on here, that sometimes I feel like I live a double life. I felt that much more in the beginning when I first started living with my husband of today then I do now, but yesterday was one of the double days. I had to walk away from the old life and into the new one. I called my husband of today to let him know I passed and the first words out of his mouth..."I am so proud of you!" I am very lucky to have such another wonderful man in my life. He has been so supportive of me. This is the part where I still fill alone...the mixed feelings....I was very loved by one man and am now very loved by another. I am getting accustomed to pulling up them boot straps and keep on truckin'. What else can we do????? In one breath I can say..."I'd give anything to have him back!!!" In the other, "Would I, would I want to give up the hubby of now??" Then I don't answer that question...I DON'T HAVE TO!!! It is an unfair question to ask myself and not one that really matters now does it???? My other favorite saying..."FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!" Well, I guess I am living that saying in many facets of my life. I CAN NOT fail my hubby of today, my kids, and most importantly myself. So, I continue on and try to keep myself in a more positive place mentally. It is a lot of work this journey, but, I am not dead, so I guess it is making me stronger. I have babbled in this posting more than usual. Life is hard, losing DH was the hardest, but one day I will reap the benefits of being strong, one day.....some days I already do. :-)

Peace... Angel

[cheryl36]

ANGEL: OMG!!!! I just read your post and I must say I know, EXACTLY what you are saying. BTW CONGRATES TO YOU!!!!! I too have a new person in my life, and all those mixed emotions, I know all to well. It makes sense to me now, you moving forward, and the double life, I feel the exact same way. I just realized it reading your post!! You are a trooper! God sent. Thank You so much. I wish you and everyone here peace and much love.

Cheryl

[lindat]

Hi All, Welcome to the new members, sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did. I visit every day, even though I don't post very often, it really helps keep me going.

Anna, My thoughts and prayers are with you this week and next. I hope the wedding goes very well and you are able to get some great video. Your website for Ishaq is wonderful, your love for each other is palpable.

Have you had time to enjoy your pool? Hope Sita is still doing well.

Mary Jo, I hope you are doing better now. Today was 18 months for me - I have had a couple of weepy days, but ready for another month to begin. I gained a couple of pounds instead of losing, but still have a month until I leave, so hopefully can get back in control Tomorrow is a new day and a new month - bring it on....

Dorothy, I am so jealous - I LOVE Josh Groban and I have never been to New York. Hope you have a wonderful time!!

April, I didn't remember about the chat either. I was glad to see that you had a problem with 18 months, I was feeling like I was being weird until then

Angel - HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!!! You did it because you are so strong, focused, and caring - it is a blessing to know you and feel joy in your accomplishments.

My sister is in a similar place, she says that she could not give up the hubby of today and she could never give up the memory of the hubby that she loved for 36 years - there is no competition - she has been doubly blessed. I hope for the same blessings, life is short and I yearn to share.

Naz, What you are feeling is exactly what I felt at 7 months. I was so weary of crying and feeling sad, and I was worn out and depressed and also stopped coming here for awhile. I have been back ever since, because it helps - even if just to read. Even if it doesn't seem to help and even if I don't want to - I come here because the bottom line is that it does help because we need each other. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Michele, When I get my schedule for next week, I will email you and perhaps we can do lunch.

My thoughts will be with you on the 21st - yesterday was harder than the year mark was for me.

A month from today I will be in MI visiting with my friend. It has been a long time coming and sometimes I didn't think it would get here, and now I am filled with nervous energy at the thought. He is waiting to do the prostate cancer surgery until I get there, if he does it at all, and I am still trying to keep my opinion to myself I have decided that even if he doesn't have it, I want to spend as much time as he has because it would be harder to walk away. Of course, all of this may change after we spend some real time together instead of phone calls and emails, but he told me yesterday that he loves me and I hope it is true and not just his way of trying to cheer me up - time will tell. All I know right now is that hearing his voice makes me happier.

Peace to you all, Linda

[mishknit]

what great posts tonite...

so honest.

gayle, i have had soemone tell me that these bb's weren't good for me too...my god, this is a lifeline..i am, grateful every day that i found this board and another i go on.

naz..my heart goes out to you. i remember just being so sick of all the pain..amnd it actually got better for a while...and then it's been a progression of getting better, maybe this is a new satrt for you.

linda...really, lunch? we do need to do this, and it would be great if we could do it before you go...all the support here is great, but an actual hug for luck...that would be cool. hopefully between our sechedules we can make that happen.

april..again, congrats. and what a great post about the duality of your life right now. it's always great to read the honesty that you wriote from..we can all learn a lot from your experience. and i know what you mean..for me there is always a certain hollowness to anything i do..because tom won't be here to cheer me on. i come home and there's noone to tell, except my son..who, at 14, has other interests lol1 but i will say this for him..he does listen and tries to be supportive....he's a great kid.

anyway....i'm up late tonite..shuld be in bed, but can't sleep.

so, i come here, and read and wish you all peace.

anna..how are you doing?

michele

[mishknit]

god..

once i again i make the apology for the hideous typist that i am.....

but you all know what i mean, no matter how i type it!

peace, michele

[fourleafclover]

Angel...you asked such a brilliant question. "Would I give up my other hubby for my now hubby? It made me think...and boy did I ask that question a gazillion times. I love, love, love my now husband...so much...and it would be hard to say goodbye to him...but William...I ache so much for him. I have so many things I'd like to ask him and so many things I never got to say to him. I wanna remind him of how we met when we were only five years old...I wanna remind him that I could hardly breathe without him...I wanna remind him of how I loved him and needed him everyday of my life. I wanna tell him that I will dream of our what ifs every night of my life. Then...I wanna shout at him and yell at him. I wanna slap him so hard for lying to me...I wanna know why he couldn't tell me he was dying... Then I just want him to hold me again and tell me that he will always be with me. What a hard question? Will I swop him for my now husband? I don't know... My now husband has picked me up and is still carrying me. He loves me...and I feel safe with him. Do I love him the way I loved William? I don't have to think about that...no, I don't. But I do love him even though it's different. It's not less...it's not more, just different. When he holds me at night...I don't think about William...I think about him and I want to be in his arms. I miss William's arms and they way they felt...but it's my now husband's arms that I want around me. Yes, I have shed many tears for William, and I know many more will follow. That's fine with me now...it's tears for a love that could never be. I will miss him every day and every night. I will long for his touch and yearn for his voice. I will think about him everyday, and probably end up crying...but I will turn to my now husband...because that's what I've got now. I will love him with all my heart, but I will love William in my mind.

Naz...I am so worried about you. I get the feeling you're sinking and battling to get out of it. Please know that I am thinking about you and please, please, please know that the sun WILL shine again.

To everyone else...God bless you all.

[justamom]

Hi everyone - My 18months was on Sunday. It was a hard day. My oldest son learned to waterski and all the way home from the lake all I could think of was how much Iwished Steve could have been there to see his face. I cried off and on all day. We were all sitting around the campfire talking and all of the kids were talking about how great camping is and my oldest son said "The only thing that could make this better was if dad could be here with us." It is so hard to find the joy in anything because it is always tainted because he isn't here with us to share it. It just makes me so sad.

My question for those of you with new husbands and new relationships is this - Do you ever feel like you aren't being fair to the new man because you still love the old one so much? I feel quilty because he is such a great guy that I feel like he deserves someone who loves him more than anyone else in the whole world not someone who is still in love with a dead man. (Sorry to put it so bluntly but I feel a little frustrated with myself!) It is so weird that sometimes I look at him and am so surprised that it is him and not my husband. Is that weird? I kind of just feel like yelling at someone today.

Angel, Congrats girl. You completely inspire me to accomplish some stuff- I don't know what yet but something big!

Michele, I will be thinking of you and sending you my good thoughts.

Linda, you too. I can't wait to hear how it goes when you are with your new friend. I feel like I am reading a good book and can't wait to see what happens next. I am very excited for you.

To all of you girls, I am thinking of you all and am hoping you are all doing okay. Hang in there. Breathe. Take care, Lisa

p.s. Where is Darlene? Are you doing okay?

[armaiti]

I've had a couple of really low days too, a lot of stuff was brought up by seeing all those people at the fair. I'm so glad I left Sunday and came home because if one more person said "why aren't you smiling? your at the Country Fair!!!" I would have probably strangled them with their sparkly fairy wings! I'm feeling a bit more human today...part of the problem is that I'm not sleeping that well...I wake up really early like 6 or 6:30, and can't get back to sleep. And that is the time, when I used to go back to sleep, that it seemed I was most likely to have dream communication with Ishaq. So I'm feeling lost and out of sorts because I haven't heard from him or dreamed to him for a bit now. Though the last time I did I asked him to promise that he'd be with me for my whole life and he said yes he would.

In a way I envy you that have been able to find love again, but I don't think that will be what happens for me. And that is scary too, to think of living alone for the rest of my life. But I feel like I'm still with Ishaq and I just couldn't imagine being with anyone else. He may not be here in a body, but he's with me in spirit, and I do get to see him off and one and talk and hold him, so I'm trying to deal with all that.

Angel, congratulations, you are doing great - and your beloved DOES see you I know, and is happy for you.

Naz, hang in there. I know it's winter where you are and it makes it all so much worse, to not have the sun shining.

No one has told me these boards are bad for me...I'd tell them where to put it if they did. Coming here has been a lifesaver, because NONE of my friends, no matter how caring they are, can truly understand until they walk in our shoes.

I'm still losing weight, and that is making me feel somewhat better...I'm down to 127 and want to lose 7 more pounds because my "happy weight" is around 120 (I'm 5'2" with small bones, so this isn't really too thin, don't worry...it's wear I've felt healthiest over the years). I'd been having some knee problems which seem to be better to I'm walking more, and hoping to start running again, but I'm going to be careful so I don't mess up my knee again.

By the way, if you want a really good, inspirational movie, check out "The Last Mimzy" and it is also a great movie for kids. I was totally amazed by it - April, you especially would like it I think!

And about the websites...I created the one for Ishaq for free because my Earthlink DSL gives me several email addresses and free webspace. But you can also set up things at Myspace for free I believe.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

hey there!

since I forgot last week, I just wanted to see if you ladies are up for a chat Thurs night?

does 8pm mountain time sound good?

http://gabbly.com/private/beyondindigowidows/indigo

[naz496]

to all of u that replied, thannk you so much your right I feel like im sinking, my problem isa that im soooo tored from running all day, and not stoping, the kids have been sick Ive had harrison in the kids hospital and he has to start work on his jaw, braces and splints at the age of 7 and this will continue until he is 14, and montanna had her touncils and adnoids out last week, and is miserable. Ive had a few nights in hospital with her and the last 4 nights she has screamed for hrs, as she is in pain. Im sooo bloodyy tired, I cant even read all the posts because they make me to sad.. there is so much to do and not enough of me to go around. I find myself yelling at the kids because I am so tired, and exausted. I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and never get up again. I know life goes on and ZI know ill get through it eventually, but cant I just take a short cut, and get to it. I hate it. Its bloody freezing down under mornings are -2 degree celcius, and we got hit by bad storms, still tring to get the hpuse fixed, tradesmen dont tend to turn up., Any way Im sure this sounds worse than things actually are, but might try and goto bed, Ive got about 1 hr until my 3yo pain killers wear off and I have to find the energy somewhere to get up to her.

thanks to everyone for repling your posts are inspiring.

Naz

[amberi]

Hi everyone,

so today is Alex's 2mo. Im holdin up better then I thought, maybe cuz tues was so hard. Iam hoping some of you can tell me where to do memorials and if they are expensive.

And an update to you all I finally slept last night yeaaaaa. I prayed to ALex that if he was here or with me give me a major sign or let me sleep and possible dream of him. No dreams but slept like when he was here I have such a smile on my face that may also be why today isnt as hard.

Naz - I hope your children get better, That is always hard when your children are ill. I hope you find some peace and sleep. Sending you big (((hugs)))

April - I cant chat tonight but I would love too at some point. I got to get my computer fixed first, hope all is going ok with you.

Anna - I hope you dont get to skinny, but it sure does make you feel better huh. I have about ten more pounds to go.

Angel - Congrats, ohh how I wish I could learn to fly that has been a life long dream of mine. for my last birthday Alex and my mom bought me a couple of flying leassons and it was amazing I was flyin out over the ocean and it was so peaceful. I am so proud of you.

take care all,

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- 2 months, that's so hard. take care of yourself during this time. btw, if you google "free memorial sites" you will find some places!

Naz- sorry you are so down. we've all been there though! things are going to get better, they can't get any worse,right? I hope your kids heal quickly.

[armaiti]

HI, I can't chat tonight either - have to go rehearse with some other women for singing a song at our friend's wedding Saturday. But I'll catch up on one of these!

Peace,

Anna

[cheryl36]

Hello everyone! I was just checking in to say, I have finally received the help I need feel so much better!! I actually feel somewhat "normal" I have come to realize that its okay for me to have a new man in my life, and its okay to laugh, and the most important is that it is okay for me not to feel so guilty, especially because I didn't go to the cemetery on his birthday. I am learning to be able to love Scott and have him in my heart for always, and that I have so much love, that its also okay for me to love another. I hope this makes sense to one of you. But that is how I feel! I have a new life, and Its not the life I loved so much with Scott, But it is a very good life! I pray everyday, and I sure hope that everyone can get to where I feel I am. When I cry now, it is bittersweet, Either I have totally lost my mind. Or I have finally reached an "okay" place in my life. Love and lots of prayers to you all!!!

Cheryl