I Miss Him So...

[Guest Guest]

um why are my posts posting under guest? weird!

btw the eternal reef website is www.eternalreef.com sorry I mistyped it.

April

[sidvis]

Here is something interesting, my husband-to-be and I went on one of our first dates to a Leo Kotke concert. That was probably around 27 years ago! All these little connections..........We don't have a date set. I am in no rush.

Peace to you Anna. You bring so much peace to us here on BI.

Mary Jo, you are doing great! I think your idea about the trip is a good one. Peace to you also.

sidvis

[aprilmoonflower]

DH and I saw Leo Kotke once too. lol.

Mary Jo you should totally go. I bet it's just that anticipation thing again. I am very indecisive and get that way too now that I have no one to confer with that is. if worse comes to worse you could just go somewhere else! or if all else fails go and get a massage or something! are you near any hot springs?

[mishknit]

Anna....

i am very interested in your plan..it's mine too! any ashes of tom's left will be mixed with mine, and we will be scattered together...don't know where yet, still thinjing that one thru. and i don't want to make it too iron-clad, as our son may have someideas of his own!

and april...i keep touching tom's ashes, whenever i scatter.....it doesn't bother me at all....but i can understand why it might.

maryjo..whatever you8 decide is good, but if you need a break NOW....then take it now. But don't get yourself in a tizzy....you'll certainly make the right decision! i think earlier i asked you about some book suggestions....just finished potter...so...any new ideas? (more adult, but i HAD to read it!)

sidvis...and anyone on this bb who reads this....i am a wedding planner..so, if you ever need it, your kids, whatever...i a happy to give any advice needed.

peace all, michele

[rodless]

Michele.. I read a fiction by Keller called Summer All Her Own which I really liked. About a widow who has been in her husband's shadow and needs to find her own direction. Some humor. Good beach reading. My book group has been talking about Suite Francais and New England White. Have a good day. MJ

[susanwcav]

HI Amber, I'm new to this site and saw your posting about dreams. My husband passed on June 19th after a long illness. Every night I pray for him to come to me in a dream. Since that day I've only dreamed of him once but the peace that the dream brought to me was amazing.

In my dream, he was still sick and he'd gotten out of bed. I asked him to come back and hold me. He said, you know I don't like to come back to bed once I'm up (actually not true he used to come back a lot). I told him that I needed him, and he climbed back in and put his arms around me. That was it, very quick. I still want to dream of him, I want to see him as he was, vital and handsome. I long for that sense of peace that I felt after this dream.

[amberi]

Hi Susanwcav,

welcome, I have wanted a dream for so long (well I guess not soo long cuz its only been two months on the 19th.) and I prayrd and pretty much beggeed him for help due to all the drama. I still am hanging on to that dream. Actually his siter isnt speaking to me right now and I dont care as long as I hold on to his last words and that dream Im good. I have not had another since the last bad one, but Im ok with it. This site has been such a god send for me, I hope it works for you. Im so sorry about your husband, but I hope you find comfort here.

April - can you tell me about that reef site I went but cant do anything, is it like going to be a reef where you can take ashes or just a website type reef?? Alex was an avid fisherman in the ocean and it looks so nice

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- His ashes will be poured then casted into a cement reef. these artificial reefs are then taken out via tug boat and dropped at various places in the ocean. (you get to go and have a ceremony on a nice boat during and also get the GPS location, so you can go back) the family is also involved int he reef casting process. the reefs are checked underwtaer periodically by scuba divers. (not yearly or anything but once in a while) coral reefs are endangered species and rapidly dissapearing, this gives sea life a place to live and thrive. the web url is www.eternalreefs.com (you need to cut and paste in your browser or do a google search to get there) there are some amazing underwater photos on the site! The cost is around $2000.

[Guest Guest]

I recently just lost the love of my life July 14th, 2007. I still cant believe that John isnt here anymore. I keep waiting for my phone to ring or for him to walk thru the door. We were together for almost 2years. I cant imagine my life without him in it. We got into a fight that night and I was so upset with him when he told me goodnight and that he loved me I didnt answer. I told him we would talk in the morning. Not even two hours later I woke up because I was so cold and John was already gone he died in his sleep peacefully. He was only 25 we had plans to be married, wanted to start a family and now my life is completely shattered. He was also a great step dad to my daughter. She asks me questions and I try to answer them the best that I can. How can I go back to my life when I know hell never be there again?? I miss him so much.

[samrtb]

ok this is my second shot at posting. my first, i typed a novel but i think i took too long because it dissappeared when i tried to post it!

anyways, i havent been on this site for a long time. i hope everyone is doing well, or at least as well as our situations allow for. ive been having a really tough time the last couple of months. my boyfriend died nine months ago wednesday, and i feel as though im getting worse not better. im depressed and cry all the time. my career is slowly being taken away because some days i just can't get out of bed. and i'm having alot of problems with friends and family, my "support systems" in my life. it seems that everyone thinks i should be over this already. no one can understad why it still consumes me. im told (or it is said behind my back!) that he was only my boyfriend, not my husband, that im young, that we fought all the time, etc etc all these reasons why i should have moved on. yes im young, no we weren't married and yes, we were going through a rough patch. but im tired of everyone thinking that external situations should determine how quickly someone gets over the death of a loved one!

he was sick, and yes, that took its toll on both of us and on our relationship, and im denying or ignoring that (or "glorifying him" as im accused of). but i choose to not focus on that, and instead focus on the two years we had together. on the love that we shared, and the good times that we had. because even during our rough patch, i have never felt more loved by someone, nor have i felt more love for someone, than i did with him. anger or frustration doesn't take away love. but everyone seems to be hypocritical. they say someday i will look back and smile at the thought of him, and not cry because he's gone, but when i tell stories of the fun things we did, or times we had, im told that everyones tired of hearing me talk about him, or, that i need to stop glorifying him. i dont understand what people want from me. i think in some ways im not just mouring his death, but also the way everything unfolded. how we were made for each other, and why he had to get sick, why his doctors weren't more responsible about his condition (he developed a seizure disorder that runs in his family.....they believe he had a seizure while driving which caused the car accident that killed him), and why it ultimately led to his death.

we talked about marriage all the time, if he was alive i know we would be married. im opposed to marriage in general, every couple i know has gotten divorced, and im of the opinion that you dont need to be legally bound to love and honor each other. but he was very religious, and marriage meant alot to him. it was his way of ultimately saying that he loved me. so he was the first guy ive been with that i considered, and agreed to it ultimately happening. but regardless, i dont believe that whether people are married or not, fight or dont, are young or old, sick or healthy affects whether or not people should grieve. and im tired of defending myself, or being told how i should feel. none of my friends have gone through anything like this, and i dont understand how they could presume to know how i should be dealing with it. im devastated enough, why do i have to fight for support and for someone to listen and understand?

there was a quote posted on this site about closure, and i really loved it, mostly because i feel thats alot of whats going on here. those around me want me to feel better, mainly because its dragging them down, not because they are worried about me.

anyways i needed to get that off my chest, and to people who understand what i am going through. thank you for listening.....

steph

[armaiti]

I know tomorrow is actual "date" anniversary of Ishaq's passing, but it feels so much like today...it was one year ago on a Friday that he left for the rafting trip, and didn't come home again. I'm really feeling it like it's today, and a lot of other friends have written or called, feeling the same thing. He passed on a Friday, and that's what it feels like. Last night, Mckenzie, my youngest cat, who hasn't slept with me in weeks, jumped up and spent the night close to me. She often comes when I've been really sad and calling to Ishaq, like he is sending her. And I've dreamt about him the last two nights as well. I went down to the river where we swam almost every day in the summer and scattered some of his ashes today, and then played my Native flute standing there in the water. (I don't mind handling his ashes at all, it doesn't bother me.) Tonight I'll lead part of our Sufi zikr, just like last year when we all gathered the day he left his body. Tomorrow I'm doing a remembrance gathering for him, or Urs as we call it in the Sufi tradition. I thought tomorrow would be the hardest day, but really, since it feels like it spans two days - today and tomorrow - it seems easier than I thought.

I did get called from a woman this morning who is an acquaintance and I only see occasionally, am NOT close to and tend to avoid, as she always has a lot of drama going on. She called to go on and on about how she has to have a hysterectomy and all the details about it. I really wanted to tell her I couldn't deal with her right now, I'm dealing with the year anniversary of my beloved's passing! But I thought "what would Ishaq do?" and I realized he would listen with compassion and be kind to her, then bitch to me about how clueless some people are after he hung up! So I listened and offered her good wishes on her surgery and then bitched about it to Ishaq's sister who is here after I got off the phone.

Steph, there is no time period for "getting over it" and if your friends can't understand I'm sorry! At least we are here to listen to you.

Guest, I'm sorry for your loss. Keep coming here, reading and posting, there is a lot of support here to help you get through this.

So here I sit at almost one year. I'm still with Ishaq, he is still my beloved and my partner. We lived together for ten and half years, never got married either. I am still in relationship with him, interdimensionally! I am working on who I am in the earthly plane without his physical presence, but I know he will always be with me and guide me.

I guess I've rambled on enough today, but I'll probably be here a bunch off and on because of the anniversary,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna..

all my thoughts are with you today and tomorrow.

I don't think what you're feeling is at all unusual..i felt the same in many repsects. i remeber the day before as the last 'normal" day of my life....we were together, everything was the same, and then next day..it was over. so feeling this way today makes perfect sense, and the pain and loss from that life may feel even stronger today.

I have read other widows who lived thru long ilnesses say that aa partucular date, the date of the diagnosis, or the day before, was the worst date for them...again, because it was their last normaL day.

peace anna

michele

[airymoon]

hi all it has been so long since i have been able to be on here. i am still reading all the posts i have to back a long way. My oldest som has moved. He moved before he graduated high scholl but he was 18 so i couldn't stop him. He said he just couldn't get along with me anymore and he needed to go. I think he needed to blame someone for the pain he is still feeling from his dad's death and he took it out on me. We are getting along better now and he actually is spending more time being nice to his brother and sister now that he doesnt see them as often. My middle son has just returned from japan and he had a blast. My daughter is doing good. Its been one year, one month and one week since my kurt died. No the pain isn't gone and still knocks me off my feet at times but i have learned to adjust to it being there. It is part of me now and i have to make room for it if i am ever to be able to see past it. I have met somebody actually i've known him a long time and it is turning into more than a friendship. I'm not sure how i feel about that but it is nice to not be alone all the time. I will write more as soon as i catch up on the posts. I hope all are doing well and I hope you are finding some of the peace you need.

Love always, Becky

[samrtb]

thank you anna. i try not to judge them or be too angry, because i know they have no idea what i am going through. but it is still hard because they don't seem to try to understand. and i know how you feel about his anniversary being two days. my boyfriend died on the 25th at about 11:30, but by the time they got him to a hospital, it was the 26th, ie after midnight. so the 26th is the official date of his death, but i still think of the 25th as the real day, mainly because it was the last day i had with him. good luck tomorrow, and know that my thoughts and prayers are with youl

[armaiti]

Today is the day that my beloved Ishaq crossed over. And it seems today I get something I haven't gotten before, a feeling that he wants me to be happy for him, that for him to be able to leave his body while laughing in a river, to be able to leave with a blood clot that ended his physical existence in an immediate and painless way, is what he would want for himself. If he hadn't been there on the river that day, he might have died in a hospital, or he might have lived longer to experience kidney failure and be miserable hooked up to machines.

Last night I dreamt that he called me and we were to meet and go on a long bike ride together. So today I took that long ride and I saw two brilliantly white birds flying together and playing with each other over the river, like a courtship dance. I think they might have been doves. I feel like it was a message from Ishaq, to send me on that ride and have me stop on the bridge above the river and see the birds. I also had a dream that I knew he would die soon, but it was ok, he was sick and needed to go. So lots of messages and feelings today from him. We will gather tonight with friends to celebrate Ishaq's life and teachings (for the new folks, he was a Sufi Sheikh and a great teacher in our community). Surprisingly, I'm feeling ok, not crying or freaked out. I know he will be with me the rest of my life and I'll see him again.

Peace to all,

Anna

[susanbruce]

Anna, your day sounds beautiful. Be sure you write down what you saw today, how you felt, where you are in a journal. Ishaq is with you always, watching over you, letting you know that he's there, he cares and he loves you. Susan

[mishknit]

anna..

you really put things into a perspective that is so unique and loving. i so appreciate reading your posts, and knowing what this day is, I have been sending love and light to you all day. Ishaq is with you...and that is wonderful.

I don't have the kind of dreams you have, but i have, what i call my "winks".

friday am i woke up and lay in bed for a while (deciding whether to get up or not!). I still sleep on "my" side of the bed..and i rolled over to tom's side. when i did i hugged the pillow, and said, that i missed and loved him. SO>>>>i got up, made tea and a muffin, and sat down to check emails.

and there, in my email, for no reason whatever, was an email from the hotel we stayed in in Pareis in 2003...just saying they'd changed staff..whatever. I have never gotten an email from them before, and the coincednece? was just too close.

a wink, i think!

made me grin, ear to ear.....

peace,

michele

[samrtb]

i get "winks" all the time, so i know how much they mean and how helpful they are. he misses you too and wants you to know that! :-)

[ltl4ever]

steph,

I was so grateful to read your post. The love of my life and soulmate passed away on July 5th,2007. Our relationship was filled with peaceful beautiful happening like Anna discribes but also elements of deep frustration, arguements and differences. Towards the end when the cancer treatments got to his thinking/and or his pain/general differences/my failures all accumulated, things were just at the limit. But ya know, in spite of it all, we always forgave differences, challenges because somehow we knew this was that deep "one" true love. I'm not talking about accepting abusive love. I'm talking about love that challenges everything you know and yet exist above everything. Anyway..., we weren't married and I wish we'd been able, but he had a very rough go with marriage and it probably would have taken another eleven yrs if he'd of ever considered it again.

My friends don't understand. They look at the turbulent yearswe had and say we'll look at this and that. he should have done this and that... as if because he didn't live up to their standards it shouldn't be so hard to "get over him".

I'm pretty alone with this. I am home bound and can't drive so I'm pretty much alone with this. But I'll keep comming here, reading here helps.

Susan

[loosingeddie]

HELLO EVRYONE... HELLO APRILMOONFLOWER! IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I POSTED... WELL IT WILL BE TWO YEARS SEPT. 1ST SINCE I LOSSED MY HUSBAND EDDIE YES IT DOES GET SOME EASIER BUT THATS ALL I CAN SAY... : ( I HAVE BEEN MOVING FORWARD IN SOME AREAS AND GOT MY OWN HOME AND STUDYING TO BE A VET TECHNICIAN.... THE PAIN IS ALWAYS THERE STILL SOME DAYS WORSE THEN OTHERS,,, I GUESS THATS HOW IT WILL STAY... KIDS ARE DOING FINE AND SEEM TO HAVE ADJUSTED.. I WONDER SOME DAYS HOW I MADE IT THIS FAR.... BUT LIFE KEEPS MOVING ON AND THE CLOCK KEEPS TICKING I HAVE MISSED POSTING SO WILL BE CHECKING IN ON OCCASION...SEND ME SOME LINES PEOPLE LOL..... I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU.....

[loosingeddie]

HELPS TO PROOF READ LOL EVERYONE I MEANT LOL

[armaiti]

Hi everyone,

Last night's Urs Celebration for Ishaq was very lovely. We had a good group, considering a lot of folks were out of town - 40 or 50 I think. Friends who have a yoga retreat center let me use their lovely round straw bale building, that has awesome wood floors and even more awesome acoustics. We had Sufi Dancing, and sharing of stories, and Ishaq's sister sang a Rumi poem she put to music. I led Sufi zikr and then played a recording from our Northwest Sufi Camp 2003 of Ishaq leading zikr and we sang with him for the closing practices. It was very sweet and as I closed my eyes and sang with his voice I felt how close and present he is to all of us.

Today feels like my "new year"...I am beginning my second walk around the sun. I plan to work on getting his writings into a book and his zikrs onto CD, and work on a book about my own experiences this past year. I've become a writer again since he passed...when he was alive I focused more on being a musician, but now I feel the more internal pull of the writer, especially to look toward the winter when I won't be out in the garden. I'm sure he has new adventures to share with me as this year unfolds!

Peace to you all,

Anna

[samrtb]

Susan,

I'm so sorry for your loss. illness, as many of us here have experinced, really does test a relationship. with my boyfriend's seizure disorder came a very deep depression, which complicated things even more. but always in my heart i knew that he was the one. i have left relationships that seem perfect because i just knew deep down they werent the one for me. but with him it wa different. i knew from the moment i saw him. and it was so hard, it was awful seeing him suffer, and we both made many mistakes out of frustration thoughout his illness. but i learned so much from him. even in his worst moments, no matter what he was going through physically, or emotionally, he always put me first. and to me that said more about what we had, and the type of person he was, than any fight ever could. he and i shared something that many people can only imagine, and i miss him every day. and as much as it hurts to not have the support of some of my friends, i am working on making peace with that fact. because you can't change people, or what they think, and i've only been causing myself more anguish by trying. and i'm trying not to judge either, because they haven't been through anything like this before, and i know that. and thats why i started visiting this site again, and honestly, i have felt more at peace since i have than i did in the previous months. just reading everyone's posts, knowing that there are people who understand and will listen and offer advice without judgement is the best safety net i could ask for.

steph

[mishknit]

steph....

you are so smart...and i am so glad you're back here.

the idea of a nonjudgmental place with women who understand is worth a lot.

and the idea that some people just don't get it,and that doesn't make them bad..that's usually a long time coming..but an important place to reach if we are ever to be out in the world again! Of course..there ar those who REALLY don't get it and you want to slap (lol), but usually it's not meant in a bad way, and i find kind words of truth help.

anna..you're day sounds lovely. as you begin your second walk around the sun it will be different, and we'll be here.

nice to see you again losing eddie....

peace to you all, michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna-I'm so glad you made it through the weekend and came out with some peace too. good luck with the writing! what are you planning on working on? are you still writing for AC? (if so, can you send me your link?)

loosingeddie- glad to see you around here again!

Michele-you are sooo right, wht would we all do without this messege board? it's like a sigh of relief to me.

[missyouhoney811]

More bad news..............while at the airport in New York I received a phone call from Camp Bow Wow.....they had to take Sherman to the emergency animal hospital..........he was given CPR and put on a vent......x-rays were taken and it showed large masses of cancer on his belly and lungs......he died. I had no idea he was sick. I had him at the vets in June for his yearly check up and he was fine. I can't believe he is gone he was only four years old. I had him since he was 5 weeks old. Great week for me next Sunday 8/11 will be the year mark. I now feel guilty I guess I should not try to have fun and enjoy myself. I should have been home. I think I'll cancel my reservations for Vegas........what's the use in trying to feel like a normal person.

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I am so, so, sorry about Sherman! I don't even know what words of comfort to try to write because this is a huge loss for you on top of everything else. I'll keep you in my heart and prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

oh no Dorothy! I'm so sorry! I lost my favorite shepard 9 months after DH died. it was awful! I really feel for you right now and will be thinking of you. (((hugs))) at least you know she is not going to suffer or be in pain from her cancer and she is at peace now. please don't feel guilty though. it was her time to go is all..and nt your fault for feeling good or having fun. it sounds like she might have waited until you were not around to go in fact. not sure if that is comforting but she probably knew how sad you were to begin with as animals can sense these things. I Know how discouraging losing your pet can make you feel. you will be ok though. right now it's just gfoing to take time is all. again, I'm so sorry!

[rodless]

Dorothy, Oh no... I am SO sorry. But don't feel guilty. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. I know what is is like to love a dog and I know how hard this is. I had a 3 yr. old shepard/collie that had to be put down due to illness and I beat myself up for a long time over it thinking I could have prevented it even though the vet said no. She was the first dog I had ever owned and it took me a long time to do it again. Please take care of yourself and go on with what you were doing. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Well... circumstances interrupted by trip plans. I spend today closing on a house refinance and talking to people about roofs, gutters, new front steps, painting and tree trimming. So I guess I was where I was supposed to be. My house is special to me as Rod and picked it out and "built" it together. We were planning to do this over a year ago then he got sick and it all got put on hold. It will be a good feeling to get the place spruced up.

Today would have been our 14th wedding anniversary. The day has gone well, much better than last year. I left a special prayer rock on his grave and spent part of the morning watching clouds. Coming out of the lumber yard there was a hige feather by my car (probably from one of the turkey vultures) and it was like I had an anniversary greeting from Rod. He was fascinated by those birds and often drove out to the edge of town to watch them soar around. Has helped make my day peaceful. Tomorrow might be different but we all know to take it one at a time. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I agree with April, maybe Sherman was waiting to leave when you weren't there because it would be so hard to leave in front of you...I remember finally making myself go to a women's retreat and leave Ishaq for a night and I was so nervous about it, as I felt I needed to be there to keep him from having low blood sugar crashes. He was fine, but that night my cat Tammuz picked to die while I wasn't there, I think for the same reason, it would have made me suffer more to be with him while he died. But still, I am so sorry for your loss of Sherman!

Mary Jo, Ishaq left me a turkey vulture wing feather last year as a message too! It is a wing feather, 21 inches long, and was in the street right by my house.

Today Ishaq's sister Carol and her husband Chris and I went out to Jump Off Rock on the Mckenzie River where Ishaq passed. We put the flowers from his Urs Celebration there and did some ceremony, and all jumped into the cold water. It was very beautiful out there, and the osprey and turkey vultures were soaring overhead as well while we were there.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

oh dorothy,

i am so sorry about sherman....so sorry for you. but you know there was nothing you could do, and that your going away had nothing to do with it.....you know that. please don'e cancel your vacation..."normal' people have pets die unexpectadly.."normal" people have husbands die..normal people like us.

I hope you take your trip, i am waiting to hear about it.

anna..

sounds lovely.

and mary jo...well, you'll take your trip another time, it sounds like you got great satisfaction from getting things done....good for you.

I had to start jury duty today,..but was out of there by noon! hooray!

I went to a party last night where there were two different groups of people, my hang and new ones. well..my friends all left early, i stayed, and i was interesting and knowledgable and held my own in the conversation.YES! It was great to meet new people, doesn't happen all that much anymore.

actually there are more thigs, smalle things, thnat made this weekend very nice...and so I'm a happy girl today...and enjoying that!

peace,

michele

[samrtb]

rodless - im so sorry about your puppy :-(

michelle - thank you. its easy to realize those things though, and much harder to live them and not get frustrated on a day to day basis......

but im really glad i've started visiting this site again :-)

[kathy51]

After one year....all i can say is DAMN IT!!!!!I want him back.....It is still too hard!!!!!

[armaiti]

Mary Jo - Happy Anniversary to you and Rod! I know the day is a bittersweet one, I will be thinking of you!

Kathy - I understand where you are coming from - some people told me it takes a year to go through the grieving process, but my Native teacher told me in her tradition it can take seven years...hang in there, keeping coming to this board, it's good support.

Dorothy - I'm thinking about you a lot, please let us know how you are doing. Are you doing anything special for Sherman's passing? When Ishaq's sister's dog Alia passed, they also couldn't be with her, but we printed out a picture and put it on the ancestor altar with Ishaq's and burned a candle all day.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - I feel as if I am back at base one. No shower did not brush my teeth or comb my hair. To think just last week I was actually happy and laughing. Foolish me...I should have known it would not last long. My Sherman was my support to make sure I got out of bed every day. He was quite the therapist. Why did this have to happen? It's hard enough facing John's year anniversary now being without Sherman who would lick my tears away? I must have done something really wrong in my life to be punished so much. I don't think I can handle seeing Josh Groban on Saturday and Vegas on Sunday. I just don't know. Maybe I'll just sit back and feel sorry for myself.

I called the animal hospital and they will have the ashes ready for pick up within the next week. I have no idea what I will do with them. As far as a picture of Sherman they called from Camp Bow Wow and said he had a perfect portrait taken on Saturday..........it will be ready within a week. He had a picture taken on Saturday and died on Sunday. Not fear at all. Maybe everyone on this site does not understand the hurt feeling you get from loosing a dog. He also took good care of John. He was really John's dog. John was the one that said I needed him after our Shepherd Smokey died. Who would have thought how much that dog meant to me. I hate everything. How can I go away feeling this way?

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- I'm so sorry. Whatever you decide it's ok! Vegas will be ther another time too. I feel yyour pain though. I still miss my CAssidy! She was the first dog DH and I got together. We actually rescued her. She had been abused and thrown out of a car. (and bit part of her tongue off) she was such a good watch dog though and fiercly protective which made me feel safe after DH died! now I don't feel so safe. anyway sorry to ramble, just wanted to let you know I know how devastating it is! It really triggered alot of grief for me too. Just remember it's normal and let your self grieve. You are going to be ok though!

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I agree with April...if you need time to just be by yourself and grieve you should, don't feel obligated to go on a trip! Just take care of yourself,

Blessings,

Anna

[lauraa]

Dorothy:

I am so sorry to hear that your doggie passed away. I certainly do understand what an animal can mean. The day my husband passed our little dog stayed with him for 5 hours in his bed. And, at the funeral home we held her up to him and she shed a tear. She absolutely knew what was going on. Now she is deaf, her vision is starting to go and getting alittle confused....I am aleady crying for the day she goes....we have a long history as a family. I am certain it has added to your grief. I am so sorry. I learned a long time ago that I have to grieve my way and not the way others think I should. I told my therapist today that I feel like a lost little puppy without my husband and our way of life. I seem to be in a numb stage again where I can't read alot or come up with the energy to do things. Your in my thoughts.

I do read post here but haven't written in awhile because I seem to be so low on energy. It has been 3 years and 3 months and I am still grieving so. I guess that is the price we pay when we had the "real deal" and loved so deeply!

Bless you all and know I think of all of you daily.

[mishknit]

i agree too dorothy, even tho i urged you to still go.

this loss so close to your husband's year....so very hard,,and i am so sorry.

I have a dog, but am not a dog person, she was really tom's dog. But i certainly have come to love her, and would miss her terribly if anything happaned to her.

april is right, las vegas isn't going anywhere, and you need to do what will make you feel the best.

I find, for me, getting away helps, but we' are here to support you, you know that, and the only decision you can make is the right one for you.

peace, michele

[naz496]

Hi all

havent written for a while life seems so overwhelming. My 3yo hemoraged and I thought I would loose her too. havent read posts for a while not in a good place, cant read or write anymore, dont do anything that I use to do. I cant even scrapbook and I love this. Life is crap at the moment when will this end.

I pretend everday that life is ok and Ill just get on with it, but life is not ok and Im not ok.. Im so tired, and dont want to do anything any more. when will this end.. I dont want to feel like this I dont want this life the way it is, and I want more I want my husband and the shitty life back that I had. The one that I took for granted. I live in denial and I think the denial is getting worse. I know Mal is dead but I carry on each day just like he is at work.. I feel like this is the only way I can make it through the day. I put on the smiles and pretend whilst I am screaming inside, and knowbody is listening., knowbody cares any more I am suppose to be over it 7 ths later..

I am finding it harder now that it was in the begining.

Sorry having a bad night

naz

[armaiti]

Naz, don't feel you have to apologize! Rant and rave here all you want, we DO understand! And seven months is SHORT - that'a not time enough to be over something as big as this, especially with all the other things going on in your life. I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers,

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Dorothy.. do what you need to do for you but maybe Josh Groban would bring you some peaceful moments. He has one song, something about where you are & a breath away that helps me. The little scottie I have now was really Rod's dog (she was listed in the obit) as he was home all day with her, but she has been a source of comfort and laughter so I know exactly what you're saying. I would be devastated if something happened to her. Take care!

Naz.. I am so sorry everything is so difficult for you right now. Can't offer anything but support and the the knowledge that we all know where you're at. Go ahead and say whatever you need to on here.

I am reading a book called seven steps or seven choices (over 50 and the memory is bad) that is saying a lot to me. One thing that hit home was a few paragraphs on how grief seems to hit fresh again at 9 mos. April was really hard for me and I thought it was Rod's birthday but that would have been the 9 month mark. She also talks about a perod of observation where you assess and make choices and need a lot of time alone. I think that's where I am now. From there you make a "turn" and progress through other stages. It's interesting. Things like it's ok to have so many regrets and to realize that marriage was part of a real life relationship and not idealize it. To go with what you've learned about yourself.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Kathy.. I feel like that myself. Yesterday was bad. Today is better. And on we go like it or not. Sometimes the future seems like the Black Hole doesn't it? I hope you'll find some peace if even for a little bit. Mary Jo

[amberi]

Naz - I feel your pain, I havnt posted in a while I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Alex's cousin stole the truck and took it to Sturgis, said that Alex had his tickets paid and he was taken the truck he also came and took some of Alex's ashes. I couldnt believe it, thankfully it was only a little bit. but who the hell does he think he is coming and taking things with out asking. The police are involved he also told my sister in law that I was having an affair with one of my best friends and she is no longer speaking to me. She didnt even bother to ask if it was true or anything just sent me a letter saying I was not good to her brother and she wouldnt forgive me. My friend is a Cop and Alex's cousin called and threatened him and his kids, he said he was pressing charges against him and I should do the same but I am so scared he is totally involved in gangs and I just cant even cope, then I find out that Alex hadn’t made a house payment in a few month and know my house is in foreclosure. Will this nightmare ever stop, I want to try and get to a place where the drama in my life is calmed down so I can try to deal with Alex being gone and its just not happening. I cant eat, cant sleep, just want to cry and now its getting hard to get to work. I just dont know what to do. I swear if I didnt have my kids I wouldnt be here I would pack my **** and move.

I know Im venting and thank you all for listening. I read here everyday but couldnt muster up the strength to post until I read Naz.

on good news thank god their is some. My daughter came home from cheer camp and she gets to go perform at the halftime show for the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. She is so excited.

Dorothy - My dog is one of my children we had one before her that passed away and we were devastated. I couldnt imagine losing her now. but she is old and I know it is coming. My prayers are with you.

God BLess you all, Take care.

Amber

[naz496]

up again and its 4am over here

thanks for repling everyone I am feeling a little better this morning. Nights just s...k. I thought they would get better but they havent.

Amberi. I feel the same when will our worlds stop spiriling out of control and have some normality about them. I too am involved in **** like 3 pending court cases to do with m,y grandfathers estate and 2 for Mals estate, one for wages and the other for compensation for his death. Exausting. Only get up for the kids.

Naz

[amberi]

I feel the same but I have to go to work or I will for sure loose the house, not sure how I am keeping my job been screwin up like crazy cant focus. My kids are old enough thankfully to kinda fend for them selves and are a great help when Iam down, last night I couldnt think of eating and my son brought me some soup. they know I used to be anorexic so they are watching me like a hawk.

Naz how is it down there I have always wanted to go there my boss is actually there now. Its winter or something right? I hope and pray that both our lives get better well I pray that for us all on this sight. Thank god I can come here, I have worn my friends out they dont even call very much anymore. Big ((((HUGS))))) to you Naz, try to rest and I will too!

take care,

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Naz and Amber and Dorothy I am thinking of all of you going through rough times. (((sending hugs and strength))) it will get better! just keep telling yourself that and ptut one foot in front of the other! that's all you have to do to get through all this crap!

[mishknit]

amber and naz...

soso sorry aboiut all the crap you're going thru. it is all so hard, and thento have these kinds of problems on top of the death...i'll hold you both close in my thoughts.

mary jo..i love the 7 choices book....keep it in my car and reread at different times. i think it's the best and most proactive in a positive way grief book that i;ve read. Actually, i think i'll just pick it up and reread it all....

my very good friend is in the hospital..heart arrythmia. he passed out last night, his wife called 911....ugh, that brings back so many memories. I completely detached my self and went to the hospital to visit him (not the same one where tom was)...but it was hard, and scary.

anyways,,

peace all,

Michele

[armaiti]

Hi, it's quiet this past day or so here...hope everyone is ok...

I was watering the front garden yesterday and got attacked by wasps! Got nasty stings on my thigh, collarbone and the BACK OF MY HEAD!!! I threw the hose down and ran in the house, by the time I could go turn off the water I'd probably soaked the wasps so they wouldn't fly, so when my landlord came over to find them they were nowhere in sigh. Now I'm afraid to water out there until he finds them.

Ishaq's sister and her husband just left today to go camp for a week, then they'll be back and we'll all go to Northwest Sufi Camp together. I'm a staff musician there and am leading a night of musical remembrance for Ishaq on his birthday, August 15th. He would have been 57.

I'm going to go soak in my little pool, hopefully the cold water will help the wasp stings! My whole back of my neck is swollen and it's hard to move my head down, very annoying!

Take care, everyone,

Blessings,

Anna