I Miss Him So...

[lindat]

Thank you Anna. Your spiritual views have always comforted me in ways that I don't even understand. Jim and I have spent some time in hospital and lab waiting rooms in the last couple of weeks and I find myself realizing how small my problems are after all and wondering how so many young folks and families deal with such devastating illnesses. We each have a path and no matter how rugged, the paths of so many others are more devastating. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our pain that we forget to reach out - except here of course

[airymoon]

Lindat- Im feeling your pain. It's got to be hard and scary with everything and then facing up to your past. Hang in there it will be worth it. Your a very strong and courageous woman

anna=it doesn't have to be a dilemma. If you happen to meet someone that you could love again i beleive it would be ishaq sending him to you. and you are one of the most not alone people i have known. but i do understand that need for more than a friendship. i have that too but i feel like if it is supposed to be it will be and i am open to kurt sending me someone and i am also open to not having someone and being secure in my life. both situations will take some adjusting.The right man will understand ishaq and your are a package deal and he will make you feel even closer to your ishaq. at least thats what i feel about kurt.

[mishknit]

linda,

it's good to hear your "voice"..though you can call anytime if you want.

Sounds like you are really going thru it with Jim. I'm sure he's incredibly grateful, and it sounds like you are really trying to work thru it. I've been hoping you'd write....this is such a safe place. I don't know how terry could NOT color everything you do.....I'm sure Tom will for me.

it's interesting.....I am exploring the online thing (don't get excited anyone..nothing good has happaned yet..it is SO WEIRD!!!>>LOL!)...but in one email i wrote someone about baggage, and said I had "happy baggage". I wonder if that's possible..but i think it is. My life with tom was happy, my life with my son is happy...that's my baggage, and will continue to be, and it's all good. So...a positive spin on baggage! lol!

hang in linda....you are learning. I hope all is well with jim. please keep us posted. sending you warm hugs (tho you're probably getting enough of those with jim..i hope!)

Anna...I know what you mean. If I was 70 or so, maybe i'd not want to find someone else....or at least it would be easier to not find someone else. But there is so much life left for me (well..who the heck knows, right?)...and to be alone doesn't sound appealing. My intent is to stay open..that's pretty much it, stay open and let something happen if it's supposed to. ike becky says..it would nbe nice if kurt or tom or ishaq sent us someone...what would really be nice is if it was like that movie with warren beatty...jeez, remade, and i'm blanking....where he wasn;t supposed to die, and julie christy found him thru his eyes....aarrghh! i hate forgetting movies, but you know what i mean. Anyway....i don't reall;y think that's possible, but, aas always with me, who knows? I don;'t want to be alone..i CAN be alone, but hope i don't have to be.

enough tonite, I AM EXHAUSTED. I had sych a crying jag last night over a thought, and then woke up 4 or 5 times from dreams, sobbing...it was really weird. and i am really tired!

peace, and hugs, to you all,

michele

[airymoon]

michele it is so funny you mentioned the online thing. I just got done registering and contacting someone. His profile said no one with emotional baggage and i guess i took it as a personal challenge to set him straight--in a nice way. I went into the just friends catagory and sent him an email. I figured at the worst he wont send back and at the best i will have someone to talk to online, and maybe make a good friend. who knows, not sure if want to do the dating thing but i do want some adult conversation and sometimes a male point of view. I really miss those conversations with kurt.

becky

[wonka56]

I originally found my husband online. So I was thinking of trying it again. Maybe he will bring the right person my way. Its scary though. I'm also afraid of comparing another person to him. I don't want anything less than what I had but are there other true hearts out there? Getting hurt at this point would be very bad, I am hurt enough trying to get past the death. However I think online is a safer route, becuase you can control the amount of contact. I do know I am to young to be alone the rest of my life and I don't want to live like that anyway.

[airymoon]

wonka-i try not to compare the man but i did campare the relationship and had to decide if i was getting what i wanted out of my very short time with T. i do think there are true hearts out there. And your right getting hurt at this point was extremely hard. It brought back a lotof feelings from when kurt died and may me doubt myself and the way i trusted him so completly. plus it scared the **** out of me to even think about dating after that. I think thats why i did the online thing. Its a way to talk without really puting myself out there.

becky

[amberi]

Hi everyone

Ive been reading everyones post. I cant wait to get to that point of wanting to be with someone again, but I know I dont want to be alone. Im way to young for that. My friends tell me to try online dating when Im ready cuz of the ability to control contact. We will see when Im there.

I am struggling really bad this week and especially last night and today. Last night Alex's life long friend showed up at my door drunk and crying uncontrollable. We sat for three hours crying, and laughing together. He watched Alex's video three times and then took it home to watch it again. It was so hard, but so badly needed. I told him my door was always open and I would be here for him. I really needed to cry that bad too, I have been holding in so much due to the drama.

Tomorrow is the big day Alex's 43 b-day and we scatter him. I really dont want to do it but at the same time I know I need to do it. Have any of you felt that way. With a burial it is over there is nothing else to do, but this to me feels like pain all over again. I dont know just scared.

oh and some good or I dont know news, but that jerk that was on my property went to jail in a drug bust at his friends house. I find that very amusing and I say Karma fucker, Karma.

Sorry just had to get that out.

I hope everyone is doing well. Take care all

amber

[aprilmoonflower]

I couldn't possibly think of another relationship right now. I've been married twice and I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. sooo, I am content with myself right now. I love solitude anyway sooo it suits me just fine. I just don't know what I will do when the kids are grown and leave home! I'm sure someone will come along. I had a cute farmer flirting with me a couple weeks ago.lol. there's hope for me yet!

[laurielblack]

I can't imagine being in another relationship yet...the thought of having to go through the whole "dating" thing again makes me want to throw up. I was just 21 when we married, and after almost 17 years with him, I can't imagine another man coming anywhere close to the kind of man my Byron was. I did have a slight issue with my MIL after his death...she wanted me to get a double headstone with my name on it as well, but I didn't want that. Not only did I find it a bit creepy to have my name on a headstone somewhere while I was still alive and kicking, but I had to entertain the notion that I am just 37 years old, and might actually marry again someday. I don't want to, and can't imagine doing so at this moment, but who knows what the future holds. I finally convinced her that I was going to get a single stone and that was the end of it. Do you think it was wrong of me to go against her wishes?

[airymoon]

flirting is good it keeps us in practice. I had someone contact me through the online thing today. at first it was very casual but then he started talking about meeting . I mean after a 10 minute conversation. I told him i just wanted to have someone to talk to online and maybe he should re read my profile. Now im thinking this was a mistake because i didn't want a lot of pressure and i dont want a lot of men hitting on me. Oh and get this T contacted me and we were talking and he started in with the i miss you and i want to see you tonight. Unbelievable he and his x-wife are talking about moving back in together in november. I said the only way that can happen is if you leave your x-wife for good. and if we met and did what you are implying it would end you and her trying to work things out and then you would hate me. He actually said i would still try with her. I let him have it then i told him if that ever happened and he wasstill trying to be with her and trying to see me on the side not only would i hate him but out of fairness i would have to tell her what he was doing. He apologized and said he was just missing me and he would never act on anything like that and i said then dont talk about it and keep hurting me. one good thing--i am going out with my neice tomorrow to a local pub to watch the MI-ND game. should be fun!

[sidvis]

Of course you were right in your decision about the head stone! Mothers-in-law can be so pushy, even in the most horrible moment in your life.

As for me, well, I had my name put on the plaque where my husbands ashes are. It does not bother me. I just think I will tell my boys to put half of them in there and half with my new husband when the time comes, or they can do whatever they like. At least my name will forever be "linked" with his no matter where my ashes end up.

[armaiti]

Well, I'm with the folks who aren't up to trying dating again! I was with Ishaq 10 1/2 years, and before that had two longterm relationships of 6 years each, both of whom I knew were NOT my soulmates,but I hung it there trying to make it work. Interestingly, it was the second one who introduced me to Oregon, so that we moved here, and I met Ishaq. I actually knew Ishaq for a while when he was with his ex and I was with Don. Ishaq and I were roommates first; we both had been really clear that we were just out of very messed up relationships and we wanted to be just friends and roommates. Well, that lasted about a month before we totally fell in love and were inseparable for the next 10 1/2 years. So Ishaq and I never even dated, really, or worried about moving in together, because we were already living together when we became a couple!

I admit I get lonely, but it's for him, I still can't see being with anyone else. And yes, I do have a lot of community and friends, but I still feel alone because Ishaq isn't by my side - at least not in his body anymore.

Lauriel - you did the right thing! I wouldn't want to go visit my beloved and see my name on the headstone, just sitting there kind of...waiting...way too dark for me!

Becky - you go girl! It's good you are standing up for yourself with this guy!

Amber - You're keeping some ashes for yourself, aren't you? Because from the way you write it doesn't seem you are ready to let them all go, and if you keep some of his ashes you could go places and scatter them at different times that you want as well. Don't let others force you into things you aren't ready for. My prayers are with you tomorrow.

Tonight we are all going to see Jai Uttal, a great singer of kirtan, devotional music from India. He's a great musician and it should be a lot of fun.

Hope you all have a peaceful evening,

Blessings,

Anna

[justamom]

Hi girls, I just had to weigh in - It is really, REALLY scary when you start dating. I threw up the first night I was "going out" But it was so much easier because the man I date (affectionatly know to you all as "hockey boy") was my friend and a friend of my husbadns and he knew that I was totally strung out and he didn't want it to be a big hairy scary deal so it was very low key we took the kids, pizza etc. Now I have to say it is really fun. New romance is great. Dates, dinners, dressing up, butterflies in your belly. I am enjoying it. I don't miss Stevie any less than I did but it is nice to have a man to talk to, hold me, let me cry etc. My only advice is that when you are ready it will happen. I truely believe that Steve had a hand in this relationship for me. Don't push it, or worry about it, it will just happen and if you are ready and it is right it will just feel okay.

Linda, been thinking about you and sending good JUJU! My therapist helped me work out a bunch of childhood stuff that I proabably never would have. So I think that some of that is good - hard, but good. You all take care and smile it does make you feel better. A good girlfriend giggle does too! Peace to all, Lis

[amberi]

Anna, yes Im keeping some and both of my kids are going to have their own thing of ashes. Originally we were going to do all but the three of us talked and said Al would understand. I am also going to put some out at my daughters grave so when I go there I dont feel so off like he isnt there. I dont feel ready but then I do. I think Iam doing it cuz he wanted it done soon. But I cant bare to part with all of him.

Lis- good to hear there is hope. I know some day I will get there but its a long way away. But at lest I know it can happen and your description makes me smile, cuz its so damn cute. Have fun and you deserve to be happy completely like the rest of us. you go girl. )

amber

[airymoon]

lisa- that is exacly why i started dating my friend it was just so easy and felt right but i guess maybe i jumped too fast or he wasn't the right one. or maybe he just has to go through this to find out what we had was what he wanted who knows, maybe maybe maybe. what i do know is that i am not going to shut myself of from otheres to wait and see what he decides and i am going to go and have fun wether it be with my girlfriends or whoever just not him right now. if i happen to meet someone than ok if not than ok. I am in a much better place than i was a week ago and hopefully not as good as next week. armaiti-thank you for your you go girl! and amber your not letting him go you still have him in your soul. Laurie if it was what you wanted than it was the right decision

[cheryl36]

Hello everyone! It has been a long while! I thought I would come by and check on everyone, and to tell everyone whats been going on, and to tell you all that yes, there is a life beyond this horrible, horrible ordeal, that binds us together. First I would like to say that I have been dating Tony, for 2 years, and he was a friend to me for 12 years before I dated him. It has been a true test for him because he has had to deal with every aspect of me, you see, in "normal" relationships its quite different you don't have all the raw emotions you start with happy fun times, Well in my case that didn't happen, like I said he was my friend for years, so at first I truly needed a friend, a protector, an advisor, and he was all these, and much more. The down side to it, was he had to deal with my raw emotions. Seeing me lose my mind, crying ever single day, not wanting to be outside my home, depression, etc... So he had his hands full, and still does, but what sets him apart from all the others, is that he deals with it, with compassion, love and a whole lot of patience. That's what keeps me, well me. I don't know any other way to explain it. So for those of you who are ready, you go for it!!! and don't let anyone tell you it's just not right... Who decides whats right for you anyway? YOU DO! And for those of you who are not quite sure of entertaining the idea, I suggest that you don't, not now.. Your not ready and it would be a bad exprience for both you and your date. I have some news to share, I have been gone because my stepdaughter(ashley, who is my late husband's daughter)Has finally decided to come back around. So I'm being very cautious, but very loving, I have missed her so very much, and Tony thinks its awesome! Take care all.... I pray for you all!!

Cheryl

[Error username not found]

hey everyone evrything seems happy in here. im tired. got to get up extra early tomorrow but im still sitting here at 1 in the morning like i can sleep tomorrow. i feel eh. i miss him and for me dating is deff. not on my mind. thinking about it makes me miss him. just relationships make me remember the begg. of ours and ALL the thingz we went through and just faces of his and things he would say and do..yeah...but anyway im getting ready for the 1yr mark. im sad n anxious at the same time. also a lil accomplished. its weird. i love him!!! lol.. i duno im in a weird mood. i feel like hes here laughing at wut a moron im being lol. ANYWAY im feeling ok today. pretty good actually. i hate when the truth hitz me but for now im happy. happy thinking hes here now. and airymoon heres my advice : EVEN THOUGH U LIKE THAT GUY..DONT BOTHER WITH HIM ANYMORE!!!! i know itz hard to hear..or read in this case..but hes playing games. dont wanna see you fall too much for him when he doesnt seem to have good intentions AT ALL. well good night everyone. and for all of you who are looking for someone..good luck!!

[grannyc]

This is my first attempt a something like this. I am 55 and widowed 14 months.

We were married 37 years. We grew up together. And, I still often have days when life without him seems impossible.

Seeing someone else is definitely not for me. I often ask the Lord to find me a purpose in life as a widow, not as a couple. I am still way too much in love with my late husband. And right now NO one could fill the bill!

I am trying to find things I enjoy doing, so I don't just exist, but maybe start some type of a life; not always easy. And recently the evening/nights have been terrible. Even days I've done well all day - I simply fall apart for some reason or no reason in the evening.

Have a dear friend that was widowed 3 months before me. She is a great blessing and don't know what I'd have done so far without her, but, she has so much more energy to get out and so many more friends and family, that other than attending a Grief Group together I don't get to see her as much as I could use.

Well that's it for today I guess

grannyc

[lindat]

Welcome grannyc, glad you found us. We all know very well what you are going thru and are here to listen. I will be 61 in a few weeks, and my Terry has been gone 20 months day after tomorrow. Some days are still impossible - nights are always worse. All of us have different views on whether we want to be in a new relationship. Personally, I can't imagine being without the companionship and love that we shared, so I recently began a new relationship with someone I have known for more than 40 years. Not sure how it will work out, but the loneliness is definitely less now. Besides work, I am also always looking for new interests and ways to stay busy, it seems to help. This place has been a tremendous support for me and I hope you find some comfort here as well. Peace to all, Linda

[naz496]

I too am struggling with the aloneness. I love Mal woth every inch of my body but at 34 I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. My 7yo asks why I cant get him a step dad. I dont know what to say so I say maybe one day.

I couldnt imagine being with anyone else but i so long for someone to hold me, and just be there. I dont think I have been held by a man since Mal died. God I miss him. Im really angry with Mal thins week. for 12 yrs I told him the job would kill him and he would leave me and the kids and he did. He left us. How do u move foward when I dont know how or if I want to forgive him. He promised.Every day I want him back but not the life I had. I could never live that life again not knowing if he was coming home. I want Mal back but I want a man that will love me for me and my kids and must put his family before a job. Is that even possibe. I dont want to date or be with anotherman I dont know what I want I just dont want this.we were together 12 yrs.

I had an operation two weeks ago and he was suppose to be here. He should be helping me with the kids. I cant pick up my 3yo or bend over cuddles hurt. looking after them is not easy. when do I get time for me. I was quite sick after the anesetic, but feel ok now except that my stomach feels like its ripping in two. Bloody Mal where r u. I need u. here.Its not fare that u make me do this myself.

anyone have any responses foe when someone askes if u are married. I dont know what to say. I havte saying Im a widow. at 34 it just isnt right, But I am married Ill alwasy be married.

have to go tears flooding the keyboard.

Have read some of teh posts, peace to everyone.

naz

[airymoon]

bacafly too late on the falling to deep thing. now im stuggling not to hate him. I dont want that to happen. thank you for your support and caring. Too everyone wo is starting a new relationship, good for you to everyone who is thinking about dating, its ok to wait, and too everyone who is scared or not ready, i think you have to be comfortable in your new life before you can move on th a life with someone else. have a good weekend everybody

becky

[aprilmoonflower]

naz- I never call myself a widow. I just say "My husband is deceased." sorry about your operation. I hope you heal quickly and at least are on your feet again soon. I know how hard it is taking care of little ones when you are sick with no one to help. it sucks the life right out of you. at least we can commiserate together. (((hugs)))

[bsnurse76]

Hi. It has been awhile since I have posted on the board. I still read frequently. I started my new job in July and so far I am happy there. Life has stayed busy with the new job which helps keep my mind off the 1 year anniversary of Darren's death. Darren died on my birthday so I am not sure what to expect as far as my emotions on that day. I still want to celebrate my birthday like I would any year, but I fear it will never be the same. I haven't decided what I will do for my birthday, maybe a football game since we both enjoyed football. Lately, I just feel numb and can't believe that it will be a year in a month and half. I miss my life a year ago. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[naz496]

aprilmoon

thanks for the hugs I need one right now. that would be easier to say than widow I think.

Thanks

naz

[airymoon]

i am in lower southwest michigan- a tiny little town-buchanan

[computermemaw2]

I am 55 and widowed 14 months. We were married 37 years. We grew up together. And, I still often have days when life without him seems impossible. I am trying to find things I enjoy doing, so I don't just exist, the evening/nights have been terrible. Well that's it for today I guess

grannyc

GrannyC, I am 56, and Eddy and I were married 33 years--high school sweethearts. Today, it's been 3 years, 9 months, and 16 days. Last week, my new boss was talking to me and in talking asked "and what does your husband do?" I just looked at him and swallowed and quietly said "my husband died." He then said "oh, no one told me what happened?" The conversation went on for a few more minutes, then he left. Then, I cried. That was the second time in almost 4 years I had to say "my husband died." It still hurts. I'm not going to tell you time will pass and it'll get easier. Because for me, it hasn't. There are still moments when I tell myself "I still can't believe he's gone." It was so sudden, so unexpected. And, something I was not ready for. I'm a BIG advocate now to my younger co-workers to have credit life on big purchases--we hadn't even made the first car payment on a newly purchased car when my husband died. I look around now with my children grown and out of the house, and ask myself "what the heck do I do now?" "What's going to happen if I lose my job or get sick and can't work?" And at those times, I just take a big breath and say "I'll worry about that when it hits me in the face." Where in yars past I used to be the baby of the organization, I now find I'm in the group of the "few oldies". My social circle is almost non-existent. I meet a girlfriend at church on Sundays and have breakfast at Hardees afterwards, and I go to work and come home. That's about it. I heard someone say the other day "it's our choice what kind of life we have." Guess that means I can either choose to stay lonely and sad or try to join the land of the living again. But for those that don't understand, it's easier to say than do. I've never been someone who had lots of friends--my dad retired from the Army, and my husband the Air Force. We were always moving, and I just learned early on that it hurt too much to say good-bye to lots of friends, so I just grew up limiting how many friends I'd have. My small circle of girlfriends now still have their husbands. And my closest friend, although I know she'd do anything for me that I'd ask, amazingly hasn't once asked me to come to her house for dinner, always seems to have something going on the few times I've called to see if she wanted to go out to a movie with me, and always seems to change the subject the moment I mention my husband's name--so I don't any more. I've put my house on the market to sell, have packed up almost everything so the house would be "impersonal" for house hunters, and just try to keep busy to keep from going out of my mind. My girlfriends say I'm much better than I was at first, and I just murmer "yes." Although my husband truly felt he was God's gift to women (grin), he had to almost be a saint because I'm the first to admit I can be a real bitch at times. Meeting someone else is probably not going to happen for me. I guess if I was really going to want to get a message across to you it would be this--I truly felt in the beginning I was going to absolutely die because my husband had. But guess what--I didn't--I'm still here. Don't ask me how or why because I truly think it sucks that every morning I wake up my first thought is--"damn--I'm still here." I want so very much to be with my husband it's not funny. But life goes on. The sun continues to come up, and you do what you need to in order to get through another day. You will too. It's a lonesome road. Now I'm trying to tell myself whenever I get blue "be grateful for what you had--some folks aren't that lucky." And when I finally meet up with my husband, I'm going to knock the living daylights out of him for making me go through all this! Gayle

[naz496]

Gayle. I agree with u. Its been 9 mth and i exist nothing else.

naz

[sidvis]

I refuse to live that way. Three years and you still wish you were dead? Maybe you need to start some exercises. Getting physically active can really make you feel alive, not just exist. There are so many ways to live and help others. That too would give you a boost, helping others. It is true that you make the choice on how you wish to live the rest of your life.

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- after 33 years of marriage I could see how it would take one a while to even want to even attempt go on living. but everyone is different and I don't think this journey is the same for everyone. I wish it were as easy as just adding exercising!

[mishknit]

Gayle...

i am so sorry For your loss....after so long together it's no wonder you feel as you do. I wasn't with tom that long and often i feel like i'm just existing,

i exercise....it hasn't helped me miss tom any less (BIG GRIN!)

we all do what we have to and feel what we have to......my thoughts are with you. Moving must be hard. i see it for myself soon, i can't bear the thought....

I'm glad you posted again, haven't see you for a while..hope you continue to post...you will always have support here!

peace, Michele

[airymoon]

i also exercise and no i dont miss kurt less but the physical work does release some stress and helps me to feel better about myself. yes everyone is different and i think you have to decide to want to live not just exist. 33 years is a long time. i was sith kurt 23 and it is harder now than 6 months ago maybe because im no longer numb or maybe because realilty has set in that this is a permanent thing. i dont know but i do know tht when i dont keep busy i feel worse and i need to do more than just go to work and home because those can be done on auto pilot. volunteering helps to any thing that adds a little meaning to your life gayle is worth doing. Hang in there we are all pulling for you

becky

[lindat]

Exercise helps alot of things, but it didn't diminish the pain one bit for me. If anything, it gave me more time to think. The ONLY things that have helped me is this board and my new guy. Having a new relationship has changed my life and given me back the joy in my heart. However it works out, today is better and that is good enough. I am temporarily in SE MI - in a town called Roseville, which is a suburb of Detroit. Peace to all, Linda

[Guest Guest]

I lost Ralph at 1236 am tonight 4 weeks ago on our 24th wedding anniversary...suddenly he was in the hospital for baterial pneumonia no one told me he was at very high risk or I would have spent the night../'

He was my best friend sole mate no kids lots of plans I am hurting big time..

Love Tina

[sidvis]

Dear Tina, I am so sorry you have a reason to be here on this site. There are alot of compassionate women who share in your pain. Some of them even post here. Just keep reading and posting when you feel like it. I know there are no words to comfort, but just know the women here will always listen.

[sidvis]

To the rest of you: How ridiculous to assume I meant that exercising would stop anyone from missing their husband. My manner of speaking is not good on this forum. I do not mean to be rude to anyone or insensitive. God knows I have been in pain just like everyone else. Why on earth would I want to add to someone else's pain when I know what it is? Enough of my suggesting anything to anyone.

So, forgive me and I apologize.

[sidvis]

Now I read my post and know that someone will take offense at it. I apologize in advance and will stop coming on here because I really don't want to make anyone angry or upset in any way. I have been reading my old posts. This forum has been so helpful in my grief recovery. Yes, grief RECOVERY. I am so much better in my acceptance of this life that I must live now. My thoughts are with you all in a good way to also go forward in your life, even though the pain is so great. I thought by my posting I could show you that it is possible to survive and enjoy the life you have after your husband dies. My only thought was to convey that I did it, and if I could anyone could. I am not special. I am an ordinary woman, with no special talents. I just live every day, because I am here. There is a quote in the paper today about learning from tragedy, "... Their words have assured me that even after loss, there will be good things that will come, but I do think we must look for them or we might miss them. The cartoon, For Better or Worse, pictured a teenage girl saying, 'Life is like Christmas-when you think all the boxes have been opened, you discover another gift.' Remember that. Watch for it." enough of my thoughts and again I am sorry for offending anyone at such a horrible time of life.

[lindat]

Sidvis, It would be a shame if you never posted again, we are in this together. This is a very difficult venue to communicate with, but it is what we have. Without body language, facial expressions and tone of voice, misconceptions can easily be made. All the suggestions that you made were good ones, and I have tried them all. Having a new relationship was the magic for me and he knows how grateful I am that he was able to get through the wall I had put up. Now he has prostate cancer and I realize that I may need everyone here for a long time, but it is still worth it because of the joy that I feel today. Now I know that I can love again and I will NEVER live without it again, no matter what happens. I don't need someone to complete me, but I do need someone to share my day, my joy and my sorrow. We went to a movie last night and when the woman's husband died in the film, he reached over and held my hand and asked if I was okay - I am truly blessed! Hope you keep posting, Linda

[Error username not found]

hey sidvis..keep posting! i thought it was misunderstood and so i said so. i dont want you to feel uncomfortable.Last year today was fun.I remember everything we did last year from now until the date he died.We were happy and we had a really good & fun relationship. We played around with eachother always.ok well im busy g2g..post later bye.

[samrtb]

its so hard to convey one's true intentions and meaning behind a post because we are online. I can't count how many friends I've had conflicts with because of online or email conversations that were miss understood. we just all need to be mindful of this with each other. there have been posts of my own that ive gone back and read and realized the tone of it was not one i was trying to convey. so sidvis, keep posting and thank you for the apology.

anyways, im sorry i haven't posted in a while, been sooo busy with work. got a promotion, wish he was here to see it...

im coming up on a year soon, and ive been stressed lately because i dont feel like im where i should be in my recovery. i dont ever want to forget him, but sometimes i wish i could just snap myself out of this daily pain.

well, i hope everyone is doing well. Tina, I am sorry for your loss, and sorry that you have to take this journey, but you are in good hands ith the women on this site :-)

[rodless]

Sidvis... Don't go away!! I find you an inspiration because I truly want to enjoy the rest of my life even without my husband, new relationship or not. I understood what you were saying about exercise. I always feel better when I get out of the pool even though I miss going home and having him say "How was that?"

I have no problem saying "my husband died" "I'm a widow" etc....that's the way it is. (I'm one of those realistic people.) BUT everyone approaches this differently. I have a lot of friends who are widows and I am drawn to the ones who are ready or trying to be ready to face going on. I have noticed in one large group (we go out once a month)we naturally divide into those who laugh and those who are downers, some after many years.

I don't want to forget, I can't pretend it didn't happen and I have grieved very deeply as anyone can tell from my posts. I still have some really bad days and expect to for a long time but I have learned how to work myself out of them by reading, giving into a poor me session or seeking distraction. Believe me I don't have all the answers!! but I like knowing others have successfully gotten through this and emeged on the other side of the tunnel. I don't think I loved my husband any less that any of you did, but I just don't want to be miserable the rest of my life like I have been the last year.

Like sidvis, I apoplogize if this offends anyone because I truly feel your pain, especially those who are new to this situation. But we need to allow for personality differences and styles on communication. Thanks for listening. Mary Jo

[naz496]

Welcome Tina

I am so sorry that u have to be here but keep coming it gives us all a reason to keep going on. espically at early hrs of the monmings and nights

sidvis

whilst my first impressison thta your post was a little direct I understood completely what u wewre saying. We are all in different pleaace. Please dont stop coming we all find you a great help. Your appology was a nice touch, but Im sure no one took offence.

I too have good and bad day. more ok days now than not. Nights are still hard. I have changed my mind after reading all the posts the other day. I replied that I thought I didnt want Mal back with the **** life we had that I didnt ewant to have to say goodbuy all over again, but Ive changed my mind, I do want him bcak even the **** life we had and even if its only to say goodbuy, and I love you, and for the kids to say good buy, just so we can move on. I do move foward in alot of ways but Im stuck in the life I had and wanted. I just didnt want a cranky man that was always working, and someone to be here for the kids more regulary.

I agree that some suprises await you but the elation that u should have when great things happen has gone. I get the feeling for eg when the insurance oaid all our costs for storm damage. thanks Mal for taking care of it, or when the super chq finally came I was sad, and I should have been happy to bank it.

life does go on but its not easy especially when people insist on telling you. As if we dont know that life goes on. We dont really need to be told

peace to all

naz

[airymoon]

linda-- you are only about 3 hours from me and if i had the time i would meet you for lunch but i have that stupid little thing called work. darn it. i live in south west michigan in the small town of buchanan.

sidvis--i dont think anyone really thought you would intentionally hurt someone on here. it is hard to convey a meaning with just the written word i know i struggle aometimes to not sound abrupt and i just have to tell myself that the women on here should understand that i mean no harm and i usually have to say in the post that i dont mean to affend just to be sure im covered in my own mind. i hope you d=keep posting on here but if you feel you must leav than i wish you strength and sanity and love.

Tina--i am sorry that you are going through this. i know your pain is great. keep posting in here and we will listen

Maryjo-- i agree with you. there should be no apologies on this site. I think we should all assume that the person "speaking" has the best of intentions and if something is said in anger than that is just what it is anger and who here isn't dealing with a boat load of anger. when i read the post i try to think that whatever is said is not menat to hurt but i have had to clarify what i meant on a few accasions and had to have things clarified for me. I have not taken offense when i have been asked about my post i just think i'll need to be more clear next time. I also am tired of living in this pain and i had made a decision to try to be happy and if not happy than at least not so sad. It is not an easy thing to do and really can only be done if you are ready but i do believe it is a conscience decision. i readd all the posts especially linda's about her friend turned boy friend and i think that is how i was with T. but i hope to have that again and if not then i need to be as happy as i can be in my life now.

becky

[lindat]

Becky, I just started working again, and can't get time off right now, but perhaps we could get together for lunch sometime before I leave here in Jan or Feb. I need to get over to that side of the state to visit relatives before I leave again, so maybe. My email address is linda@shorians.com, let me know if you get near Detroit. Linda

[mishknit]

tina..

i am so sorry fro your loss, and that you have to be here, but glad you found this bb. there are a lot of caring women on here, all who have experienced the hell you are experiencing...tho in their own ways.

keep reading and posting..we're here for you,

peace, michele

[mishknit]

sidvis...

don't gooooooo!!!!

you alwyas have so much to say, you are at a place that many of us wish to be....

we;ll miss you if you go. I looked back at your message, and then one i wrote..i kind of made joke about yours..sorry. I knew what you meant, and also, everyone here knows you wouldn't hurt anyone...email is weird, and sometimes things are misunderstood..but you'll notice noone yelled at you, because we care about you and your opinions, and because we know what you were trying to say.

moving ahead is geat, but moving on because you don't feel good about us..no..please...

peace, michele

[rodless]

Tina, I also welcome you to this site although I wish I didn't have to. I remember when I first came here over a year ago I was hurting so bad and about the only thing that helped was reading back posts and seeing how some had gotten through stuff. Some days even that didn't help.

Gayle, I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I was not married as long as you were but the marriage I had was intense because we knew that maybe would not have a lot of years due to Rod's age and loved each other so much. The pain I have is worth it.. I would not have missed having Rod in my life even if it was for only 17 years.

Naz, I had time to say goodbye and I love you to Rod. I can't imagine what it would be not to have that satisfaction and I feel so bad for those of you who did not have those last words. Watching someone you love die by inches is not easy either, each has its own heartache.

Becky, remember last Christmas when we were talking about shooting paintballs at all the decorations? Maybe this year will be better. It's good to hear you have some hope and determination. I agree.. it's a consious decision.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

I don't mean to hog the board but I have to share this... I spent Sunday afternoon at my son's installation as pastor of his new church. My ex and his wife (#3) were there, too. Usually I have a hard time with thoughts like it should have worked, we should have raised the kids together and lots of guilt because my kids didn't grow up with two parents. Also, this was the first such event that Rod was not with me. As I was sitting in church knowing I could go downhill fast, I decided to look at it a different way... I'm sure glad he (the ex) is someone else's problem, obviously my kids were successfully raised by their wonderful single parent (ME!!!) and I would rather be without Rod knowing how much he loved me than with the ex because "it should have worked." That's what I mean by a conscious decision.

I'm leaving tomorrow on an 8 day bus trip to the northeast with my mom... might be crazy by the time I get back so hope you all have a good week. It I hit internet at a motel, I'll check and see what the buzz is. Keeping all of you close in thought & prayer! Mary Jo

[cheryl36]

HELLO TO EVERONE!!! And may GOD bless you all, I just want you all to know I pray for you all everyday! SID-Please don't go I too use your advice that you have given everyone else, and it has worked for me. I enjoy reading your post, and everyone elses posts as well. I don't always post here either, But I definitly read everyone's posts. And I feel that everyone here has something to offer me. And I truly love you all. I know I don't know you face to face, but this situation is personal and very, very private to me, and You all have something special to share I think. Though I don't get much response for my posts. I sure hope someone somewhere could use my advice, just as I've used yours and everyone elses. I also wanted to share something that I never told you all before, My boyfriend Tony, Had a Heart Attack March 4th, the day before my birthday. They called his Heart Attack a widow-maker. And that his heart could not withstand another attack. However I am still happy and he's doing well, even went back to work, he water skies, hunts, etc. I just wanted to share that. My true intention of this post was to say THANK YOU ALL so very much for all the excellent advice I have gathered from you all.. GOD LOVE YOU ALL..

Cheryl

[airymoon]

linda--that sounds great my email is airymoonmistress@yahoo.com I m is missstressed99@yahoo. feel free anyone on to email or i m anytime

Mary jop i had almost forgotten i said that im not sure if it will be better or not, but my bouys did get paint ball guns last year so.............

cheryl i dont always get a response to my post either but i have found that when i need it the most they are there. im glad tony is doing well, i will keep you in my thoughts and good wishes.

[samrtb]

rodless, not sure if you'll see this, but where in the northeast are you going? i live in boston, so i could give you some places to chck out, etc. anyways, have a good trip,..... and everyone is in my prayers!