I Miss Him So...

[lindat]

Wow, Darlene I think you are onto something... since January I have been addicted to rap and hip hop... I listened to it all across the country from San Diego to Detroit while I was driving. That is the only music we didn't listen to together, he hated it. I will be 60 in a couple of months and it would probably not be my first choice normally, but I have grown to enjoy it and it never attacks me when I am unprepared..... thanks for the insight

[darleneandhunter]

Linda _

Yea, it's funny how it was almost an epiphany for me. I nearly slammed on the brakes! I can't believe it took me over 8 months to realize that's what I was doing.

Prior to his death, the closest we ever got to country was Lynnyrd Skynnyrd...lol.

I am fortunate to have a somewhat local country station that plays mostly modern stuff. I absolutely HATE the old twangy stuff my mother used to listen to. Her music was the reason I hated it to begin with...LMAO.

[missinmyhubby]

Speaking of country music and songs that pull the heartstrings....that is all my Mark and I really listened to. "I Believe" was played at his funeral along with a few others. Try "One More Day"....that one tears me up everytime.

Darlene, I know you didn't set out to make anyone cry..lol. As we all know, at times it just doesn't take much.

Talk to ya'll soon.

Angel

[darleneandhunter]

I included the words to One More Day in my eulogy to Mark...

When i am able, I will add another catagory to his journals. I will put my eulogy in it for everyone to read.

[mishknit]

I am fascinated by the whole listening to music our husbands din't like thing. My husband's music interests were pretty specific, while i am very eclectic. i love rock, classical, r and b, hiphop (just not hard core rap), world music,....pretty much anything, tho not a fan of country. My son loves my music too He's a budding rock star) and i've taken him to a few concerts...our favorites so far were the White Stripes and Green Day. I've turned him on to older rock, as has my husband, who loved oldies..the rock he knew in those more "rocking' (for him) years. But my husband's true love, most favorite music was.....Musical theatre! He either directed or performed (He had the most beautiful voice) in many, many musicals during his time in regional theatre..his first role being Winthrop in Music Man! Our favorite joke was the he was the only straight gay man i ever knew...and because of his background, we , happily and luckily, have many gay friends...gay and very talented!

I also have a theatre background..but straight theatre..i can't carry a tune in a bucket! He taught me an appreciation for musical theatre, and i am forever grateful for that, because i love it now, and my son does too. I really enjoyed car trips with him...i'd gather eclectic music,and he'd gather musicals. We'd both sing along..but to hear him sing along to the musical songs was always such a treat.

I remember exactly the moment that i fell in love with Tom. We had known each other for quite a while, suddenly realized a mutual attraction, and started dating. During all of our getting to know each other time as friends and beyond, he had told me all about all the musicals he'd been in, that he sang, etc...but i'd never heard him and i kind of sloughed it off a bit. One night we were on our way to a friends house for dinner, and we were talking about his past. I said that he had told me so much about his singing, i wish i could hear him. He had a Cd of musical selections in his car, and put it on and said that he was going to sing a song for me. He put on "On the Street Where You Live" and proceeded to sing along with it. I thought i would die, and knew, at that moment, listening to him singing that song and that he chose it for me, that i was in love with him! Mind you..at that point i didn't know or care much for musicals....but that got me.

well...anyway..i guess i'm reminiscing a bit here..tomorrow is 8 months, and i cannot believe that he is gone, and for so long! It is also my son's 14th birthday.....AND we spent tonight in the ER because at his first, and last, football practice....he broke his wrist, and he's probably out for the season. This is the first bone he has ever broken ( another first Tom misses), and, while i can't say I'm sorry he's not playing football, i sure am sorry it happaned this way! It's like piling misery upon misery....but then, what else is new lately.

sorry this was so long...guess i had a lot to get out tonight! lately, looking at old tapes, listening to him and seeing him alive....i've just been remembering, with great happiness, so much. Glad i could post it here!

peace all,

michele

[darleneandhunter]

Michele -

Don't feel bad about the long posts...I do it ALOT...lol.

I like reading about everyone's lives with their husbands. I think maybe YOU should start a fotki memorial site, or maybe just one for yourself. You have the option to share or not share anything you like, and it's free. In fact, I just realized I set the photo albums to private instead of public....lol. I couldn't figure out why no one was viewing them! Now everyone can go see the photos I have in there. I actually found a few more tonight, and I will be scanning them soon. I have another whole box of pics somewhere around here, and there should be more with him in it...

I think I fell in love with my Mark practically instantly. I know, some people don't buy into that whole love at first sight thing, and honestly, I didn't either. What sealed it was when he showed up with a carnation and a Metallica CD...lol.

[jpshad]

Hi, This is my first post to this board. I lost my husband on August 4 - still feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. I was reading all the posts about country music. Wanted to share another song by Diamond Rio - God Only Cries for the Living. It's a great song and so true. Elvis Presley Gospel is another thing I love listening to. My husband loved Elvis as much as I do and we both loved country music. I miss him and the thought that I will never see him again is devastating to me. I've lost my sister and my mother, but losing him is the worst loss I've ever felt. Everything seems to remind me of him - we were together for 22 years. Seems like sometimes I will have a good day or two then really crash into depression. Hard to make it thru each day at work.

I like reading all the posts, seems to make me feel a little better

Joyce

[aprilmoonflower]

Welcome Joyce! I hope you will keep coming back.. we all understand your loss and what you are going through, unfortunatley. anyway take care of yourself an dpost as much as you need to! it really does help!

4 years ago today I married my DH after 4 years of living with the man.. I was SO sure I was making the right decision (being my 2nd marriage I was very cautious of remarrying) I am still numb..a year has passed and I can't help asking myself, will I still feel this way in 2 years? 10 years? forever? how do people live the rest of their lives feeling this way?

michele that sory is too cute about the song he sang you! lol. and omg I can't beleive your DS broke his wrist!!! poor guy!

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I thought I would share this poem with you ladies..we had this printed out on a scroll we gave out to guests at our wedding..I still love it though it is bittersweet to read.

I will love you

As the hawk flies high and floating circle

In the blue sky bowled intelligent

Until the wingspan stilled falls

And the new night starry bright

Incomprehensible and distant

Beautifully bows down

And frees us from the earth

Sun moon and sky

And takes us

Wakes us

And as stars we are reborn

[lindat]

April - I think we will still feel this way in some manner for as long as we live, just hopefully not as intensely. We all will go on, and how we do that is up to us. I design websites, and I have done a couple for folks that are very young, and now quadriplegic because of accidents. Somehow they find a way to go on and be hopeful, fully knowing that they will likely never walk again, etc. They inspire me and give me hope - and confuse me because I don't understand how they can have such great attitudes. One of the websites is still being worked on, but the girl (Rhonda) that I am helping to design her site was in a car wreck on her 25th birthday. She was sleeping, her boyfriend was driving. When she woke, her boyfriend was dead and she is paralized from the neck down. It has now been more than 10 years and she has a wonderful attitude (between hospital stays) and really is excited about telling her story and maybe stopping someone else from making the same mistake. http://www.thinkbeforeyoudrink.net

Another site I did a couple of years ago for a family whose 15 year old son was injured in a 3 wheel accident and has been told he will never walk again. He is just starting college this semester, with all the same hopes and dreams as most kids, but he wants to graduate with enough education to have the tools to find a cure for paralysis. http://www.kylelen.com

The poem that you posted is really beautiful....

Joyce, I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad that you found us. I lost my father, brother, and brother in law. You are so right, this is much different and overwhelming, and nowhere to hide painful. My Terry and I were together for 21 years and he passed away on Jan. 17th of this year. It seems like yesterday and I have flashbacks still, but on the other hand it seems like years since I have seen him and held him. You will be in shock for awhile, but the shock will be replaced by the solid realization that he really isn't coming back and I don't know how long that lasts because I am still dealing with it. Coming here can also be painful, but it helps tremendously to know that you can vent here and everyone of us knows exactly what you are feeling. All of us wish for our old lives back while trying and learning to accept and deal with the new one. By the way, working is difficult, but staying at home alone is also difficult - you will find there is no undifficult place right now, but we are all here for you - all on this journey together..

Darlene - Today I was telling some friends what you said about the music connection and they all cracked up while nodding vigorously. I guess my change in music had been obvious to everyone but me

[mishknit]

Linda,

something you said...seems like years since you've seen or held him, but yesterday since he died....me too. I've been facing that feeling the last few days, Today is 8 months.....i can hardly believe it, yet I can totally believe it...you know what i mean?

Today was our son's 14th birthday too....I think he had a good bday...as good as he could. Of course it was complicated by the fact that he broke his wrist playing football yesterday, tho he was quite excited aboute getting his silver/grey cast on today.

I don' t have much else to say tonight...I need to go to bed so i can get up earlier than usual (YUCK!) to help him get ready in the morning for school..he's a little unused to the cast , LOL! But I so appreciate this outlet. I am in a grief group, and spent my time there last night in the ER with my son instead.....now have to wait 2 more weeks for the next meeting,

sigh...

michele

[lindat]

I know exactly what you mean

I am sometimes envious of you guys that have kids still at home, it seems it would give more reason to go on. Then I realize that I would be truly overwhelmed with the responsibility of trying to be mom and dad and deal with this pain at the same time while trying to raise normal happy kids. You are all in my prayers.

[starchild]

Hi ladies; I was reading about the songs and here's some of the lyrics to one that I held on to tightly the last time I went thru a metemorphosis.

Listen as your day unfolds

Challenge what the future holds

Try to keep your head up to the sky

Others they may cause you tears

Go ahead release your fears

Stand up and be counted

Dont be shamed to cry

You gotta be

you gotta be bad, you gotta be bold

you gotta be wiser

You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough

You gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm

You gotta stay together

Cause all I know, all I know

is my love will save the day

I've resigned myself to the fact that he's not coming back. And no one else could ever give me what Stanley gave me. Point blank. Part of my husband's legacy is that he left me better than he found me. I'm reason enough to go on. My boys are almost grown and I don't believe that it's my fate to be alone for the rest of my days. I probably won't do the marriage thing again. This took alot....and mean alot out of me, but there's too much love inside of me for me to deny myself another opportunity to be happy. Like you said, it would take a special man cause I don't have to settle for anything less than what I want. And if I don't want anybody, then fine. My husband is always going to be with me.

Hope everyone has a blessed weekend, my prayers for all of us.

[mishknit]

apropos to the music discussion.....

i made 2 cds that have the saddest freaking songs on them that i could find, and I blare it sometimes in my car or at home when my son isn';t around and i cry and rage and get it out for a bit..then move ahead.

Most of the songs are just sad songs about death and leaving and grieving, but i also upped the ante by including the song we danced to at our wedding and the song i walked down the aisle too, as well as the first song he ever sang to me, and others that are just personally sad.

It's very freeing to have this cd...it helps me cry when i feel it but can't do it, and it helps me sort out my grief through other's words when I'm not crying and just listening.

michele

[manda14]

HI ladies,

Just reading everything and I wanted to coment on the Music issue cuz I've had a different experience. My Boyfriend (Also named Mark) loved Hip hop, but knowing that I didn't, he never listened to it when we were together. Now I find myself listening to it on the radio all the time. The one song that I can't stand to hear is "Good bye My Lover" by James Blunt. A few months before he passed we listened to that song and he told me that this song reminded him of me and that he would want it played at his funeral one day. His best friend put together a photo montage and put that song on it and it was played at his funeral. My heart still sinks everytime I hear the begining of it and I turn it off.

I also wanted to say something about finding another love. I am only 27 years old, so to think about never finding love again is crazy..even though the idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. I know Mark would want me to be happy and in love again. I know that I won't find someone as good as him, but I do know that a different kind of love is not a bad thing. You might find something completly different, something that could and would never compare to the love you had.(and will always have in your heart) Mark was the great love of my life, but I know there are other loves too...maybe just not so great.

I am starting to believe that everything happens for a reason and even though this awfull thing has happened to all of us, something good will come out of it...eventually. In the last 4 months I have already seen the changes that are taking place in my life and how they would not have been if he was still here. It's horrible to think that he had to go for me to get my career moving and learn more independance, but it's true.I wouldn't have done it otherwise. he taught me things when he was with me and he will continue to teach me things forever. There are opportunites everywhere for all of you...find them...

Amanda

[darleneandhunter]

OK, what is it with all the Mark's? (I am kidding ladies, please don't be upset)

Amanda -

I get the whole listening to his music. My Mark had an afinity for Celtic music. I liked it, sort of, but was never interested in listening to it unless it was live. I have been listening to ALOT of that music at home these last few days, besides all the sappy country music. I have been watching riverdance, lord of the dance, and blue man group clips on YouTube for several days now. (oh how I love YouTube!)

I guess I am in a better mood today...

Finally....

[jpshad]

Linda,

Everything you said about it feeling like forever that you've seen him. I already feel that way and it's only 7 weeks today. The past couple of days when I've been at work a sudden thought comes into my mind that he is never coming back, right out of nowhere. I really hurts to think about that. I, too, do not have kids at home, both of mine are grown, and sometimes wish I did-something to take my mind off of Jon. Everything is so different in life now-no one home when I get home from work, he usually greeted me in the dining room. He was very loving to me, but we were having a lot of problems because he was an addict-that's how he died, not sure if he overdosed or got bad dope because I don't have the autopsy report yet. Sometimes I'm so angry at him. But I miss him. When he was not using, he was a really cool guy, he was always so good to me. I try to remember the good that we had, not the way it was at the end. Sometimes I go up to his spare room and just touch his clothes and belts and stuff just to feel close to him. He used to like to wear cowboy boots and vests and he always looked so sharp. I loved the way he dressed. I hope someday I will be able to think about him and not cry.

Joyce

[rodless]

Linda said "seems like years since you've seen or held him, but yesterday since he died" - what a perfect way to phrase the feeling I find very unsettling at times. Reread my post about never finding anyone again. Must have really been in a funk that day...know very well we are capable of loving more than once in a lifetime but less than 3 months past the loss of my husband can't imagine it right now. Felt the same way when my first marriage ended and look what happened - I found the love of my life. Maybe it will happen again although at 56, I don't have as many years left as some of the rest of you to find out.

The music thing has been fun to read. I listentalk radio in the car or old tapes that hold no memories of Rod. He didn't care for country except Cash and Jennings so that's ok. Some of it is really sappy but so is some of my favorite old rock 'n roll. Whatever helps!

I'm heading for a weekend in the "big city" - to us local yokels that would be Minneapolis or in this case Kansas City - outdoor theater and barbeque. Yippee to quote the cowboys. Have a good weekend everyone.

Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Amanda...

that song is one of the ones on my "sad" cd...and one that i am so drawn too, over and over. It sounds like tom talking to me....very moving, and I can imagine that being played at a memorial. I hadn't heard it before tom's memorial, but might have used it if i had. I think it's a beautiful song, incredibly sad, but beautiful. Another song I have on the cd is "Time after time" by Cindy lauper...and I somehow picture that as from me to him...weird. Anyway....music is so healing and meaningful in my life, and I'm so glad that i am drawn to it in the way that i am.

And, yes, Amanda...27...you have a whole life ahead of you. I feel I do to, thought i am several years older. I remember a long time ago reading about how widows who remarry show that they had a great marriage, because they are willing to do it again. I'm not sure i'll ever remarry, but.....have a romantic life? Oh yes, please! I miss that so much, and can't imagine the rest of my life without it. I guess we never know, and I'm certainly not ready for or looking for it now, but I hope someday my heart can open again to someone new.There is such a hole there now...it feels like i don't even have a heart, just a broken hole. I'd like to feel that again.

michele

[mishknit]

Amanda...

that song is one of the ones on my "sad" cd...and one that i am so drawn too, over and over. It sounds like tom talking to me....very moving, and I can imagine that being played at a memorial. I hadn't heard it before tom's memorial, but might have used it if i had. I think it's a beautiful song, incredibly sad, but beautiful. Another song I have on the cd is "Time after time" by Cindy lauper...and I somehow picture that as from me to him...weird. Anyway....music is so healing and meaningful in my life, and I'm so glad that i am drawn to it in the way that i am.

And, yes, Amanda...27...you have a whole life ahead of you. I feel I do to, thought i am several years older. I remember a long time ago reading about how widows who remarry show that they had a great marriage, because they are willing to do it again. I'm not sure i'll ever remarry, but.....have a romantic life? Oh yes, please! I miss that so much, and can't imagine the rest of my life without it. I guess we never know, and I'm certainly not ready for or looking for it now, but I hope someday my heart can open again to someone new.There is such a hole there now...it feels like i don't even have a heart, just a broken hole. I'd like to feel that again.

michele

[rodless]

Joyce, we must have been posting about the same time (I'm a time zone behind you) because I didn't see your remark about your husband's cowboy hats until after I had "quoted the cowboys." My husband also wore hats all the time due to skin cancer on his face - had a black cowboy one that was really sexy and when he grinned .... oh!!! Memories can be so comforting or so hard to handle and I know what you mean about having them hit you at work. Have a picture of him with his wicked little grin on my desk that I sometimes have to put in a drawer for awhile.

Michele, you were also posting around that time. My mom remarried less than 2 years after my dad died. I do think people who had happy marriages - especially long ones - are more likely to do it again soon. Maybe that's why it took me so long to try a second round. I'm like you - not sure of marrying but when I'm ready eventually would like the romance and excitment. Wish it sould be done without all the dating stuff. That was yucky. Sorry about your son's wrist.

Mary Jo

[lindat]

Joyce,

I can honestly say that recently I have been able to talk about Terry and think of him without tears SOMETIMES, but it has been more than 8 months. However, I don't completely trust that because I still lose it without warning. I am a waitress for a large restaurant chain and I have worked in 5 different restaurants of that company, across the country since Katrina. My manager is the only one that knows about Terry and so it doesn't come up at work unless I want it to and that really helps. I do get alot of sympathy and hugs because of our losses in Katrina and that sometimes brings on the waterworks. I don't do well when being hugged.

Larry King was interviewing Stedman Graham last night and he said something that really hit home for me - "Whatever you focus on expands." I do alot of volunteer stuff, staying busy helps me tremendously and I try to focus on other things most of the time. It is my way of putting it on a back burner until I can deal with it less emotionally. No matter how busy I stayed in the beginning, sudden thoughts popped in my head. It is going to take time for you, be good to yourself. Have you thought about a pet? They are a big responsibility, but the greetings are wonderful....

Mary Jo,

I am 59 and cannot imagine my life without that wonderful companionship that we had. He set the bar very high though and I can't imagine anyone measuring up. I am not ready to start looking, but I am open to exploration of the idea in due time. My mom found the love of her life at 65 - they have been married 15 years. She is 80 and he is 88 - they still act like honeymooners.

My sister's husband died in Las Vegas, they were there to celebrate their 31st anniversary. She was surrounded by 20 family and friends that had arrived to join in anniversary fun and it turned to sadness real quick. She was devastated beyond consolation for more than a year, I didn't think she would survive - he was her soulmate and she had been with him since she was 16. Within 2 years the second love of her life found her at age 53 - they have been married very happily more than 4 years. Where there is hope, there is life.

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

Just a few thoughts on music to add. Curtis liked New Age and Jazz and I did listen to some with him but never cared for it.

I usually had a Christian station on the car radio when I was driving. Even when I first moved I listend to Christian music at home.

But lately, since this is "Cowboy" country here in Oklahoma, I have switched to Country. The songs make me cry a lot. But I find I am enjoying the music also. I grew up here and grew up listening to the Classic Country stars.

On another subject, I was thinking of having my wedding rings remounted to wear them on my right had. Then I think I have decided to just see about having them resized to fit the right hand. I really hate the idea of tearing them apart. He had boughten me a new set for our 25th and I so enjoy them. So this may be a way to make me happy.

Debbie..................Missing Curtis.............

[jpshad]

Hi Everyone,

Linda, I do have two cats and yes they are great companions. They meet me at the door because they know they're going to eat, but they're always around me when I on the couch and one of the seems to come around me every time I cry. I think he mourned Jon, too. I read an article about pets, even cats, grieving and I think one of them did grieve. Jon didn't work, except for a couple of hours a day 2 or 3 times a week, (he was on disability) so he was home all day with the cats. They definetly have felt the change. I guess I still have a way to go before talking about him and not crying, I'm only 2 months into this. Seems like I cry everywhere, home, church, car, work, at the doctors, my counselor, my al-anon meetings - just can't help myself, can't stop the tears.

Rodless, I finally took my pictures of Jon down at work and put them in my desk drawer. When they were there I would tend to just stare at them and then have a crying session. I try to be ok at work, so I figured that if I put them in my desk I would only look at them occassionly. I do keep a bunch of pictures at home on my coffee table that I look thru every night just to see his face and remember the good times. He was cremated and I had his urn in the living room since the funeral day with a couple of pictures right next to it. Yesterday I took the urn upstairs to his spare room and put his picture next to it. I am hoping that if I don't stare at him all the time this will be a little easier. He was a good artist and did lots of little drawings, so I put them on a poster board and framed it and put it in my bedroom today. And I still have pictures of him and I in our younger years (he was so handsome)on my computer table. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing - taking pictures down, putting others up somewhere else - just don't know.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys.

Joyce

[jpshad]

Just a quick thought - it really helps to know that others go thru the exact things and feelings as I do, like the sudden thoughts popping into your head unexpectedly.

[susanbruce]

I haven't posted in awhile. I feel like I have run out of things to say. I feel very lonely, especially on the weekends. Our daughter is married and lives not far away but they have their lives. I really miss the weekend routine that Bruce and I had. Our weekends were very relaxing, just catching up on house things, naps, watching TV together, going out for an ice cream. I have found myself wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like lately.

I have started going to a 13 week Grief Share program. Check out the website -www.griefshare.org I didn't think I would like it but after 2 evenings I have changed my mind. There could be a group in your area.

I also go every other Monday to a Hospice Grief group. My mother found that for me. It's strictly for people that have lost a spouse.

It just really helps to be in the same room with people that really know the pain we feel. Sometimes I cry after I leave the meetings, simply because the circumstances have happened to me.

I am going to the cemetary later today. The weather is supposed to be cooler but it could be damp.

For those of you with children, I tip my hat to you. I admire each of you tremendously. I have a hard enough time taking care of poor pitiful me.

My daughter found out she was pregnant about 3 weeks after Bruce died. Bittersweet because he would have made the best Grandpa. She found out this past Wednesday, she's having a BOY. I've been telling everyone that will listen - I'm having a grandson, I'm having a grandson. He'll be here in January.

Have a good Sunday friends.

Susan

[rodless]

Susan, I'm with you about lonely weekends. I really miss the ones we spent together. I try to fill them up but nothing takes the place. This weekend I'm in Kansas City having a good time with my borther but finding that it doesn't matter if everything is new and different or old and the same - EVERYTHING evokes a memory... a guy with silver hair, a park bench, a train whistle, a hotdog etc. etc. Everyone keeps telling me time will help but it's not movong quite fast enough for me. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Hello ladies! I agree weekend are lonley. MIL was in town this past weekend so we were busy thankfully. I try to stay busy but it doesn't always work,yk?

Hope everyone is well..

[missingcurtis]

Some good news for a change.

I just found out that I will be getting money from the VA for Surviving Spouse benefits. This is a BIG welcome as I have been living off the money from selling our house.

I can not turn back the clock but if I had gotten this money last February or March, I might not have sold our home. But I can go forward from here.

Debbie....................Missing Curits

[Guest Guest]

I know what it's like to miss someone deeply -my husband passed away under 2 weeks ago and I don't know what I am going to do -we spent every moment we could together and watching him go from a healthy energetic person to a meer skeleton in less than 3 months has been unbearable for me -no one around to talk to- my kids have their own lives - my friends too - so I am all alone now which i think makes the healing process longer and even worse

[lauraa]

I miss my husband more with each passing day. I hold him closely to my heart! I just know he is still with me in spirit, though! I still cry for him everyday as I miss him so much........it gets harder with time for me. I still wake up every night praying that he wasn't gone and I ask why........everything to me is unbearable....I get thru it but it is all weighing me down........sometimes, I just can't wait to go to bed at night just to call it another day and when I get up I say to myself o.k. here is another one I need to get thru....so, just take it one step at a time....I wish you all peace for your hearts and whatever it takes for you all to get through your days......I am told god has broad shoulders.......I am counting on that because I am so pissed at him......still!

[aprilmoonflower]

sooo quiet...where is everyone???

maybe you feel like me and have nothing much to say this week? same old sh*t, different day,yk? I would like to beleive it will get easier but I just don't feel it at times..sigh.

looking forwrd to the holidays..DH and I were never big on them so it is something I can look forward to with just me and the kiddos. new traditions and all. though then of course I get sad thinking he isn't here helping create traditions and such.

I am so overwhelmed being the only parent at times. I feel like I am getting an ulcer as all I do is constantly worry about everything. tell me it gets easier as they get older? or no?

[justamom]

Hi Everyone, I too am a bit overwhelmed these days. Boys scouts, volunteering at school, soccer and football and now a new little job. Yesterday I found a lump in my left breast. Freaked out doesn't really cover it. I am going to the doctors tomorrow. I have struggled with my faith since January 15th but I have been praying mighty hard for the last few hours. I tell myself that it will be nothing because I can't even wrap my brain around it being anything else. I know that it will be a wait before I know anything anyway so I am preparing for that as well. Feeling pretty lonely and insufficient emotionally. WIll it all get better? Will I be able to deal when I have to? God, I hope so.

I found out today that one of our good friends has a baby yesterday - Didn't even know they were pregnant. Where have I been? Feel like I must be dropping the ball.

Michelle, so sorry to hear about your boys wrist. That was a very short football career.

Talk to you all soon. Lisa

[mishknit]

Lisa....

all my thoughts are with you...I'm sending you whatever extra energy i can muster up! i know this is scary...how soon are you going to the doctor? please, please, keep us all appraised of the situation. Hopefully it will be nothing, but no matter what, know you have support and encouragement and understanding here.

hang in there,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

wow Lisa, that is such a scary thing to have to go through right now! I really hope it turns out to be nothing, which it probably will..(think positive) you will be in in my thoughts. and Michele is right you can always come here no matter what happens. ((Hugs))

[rodless]

Lisa, I went through that last December so I know how scared you are. So many scenarios go through your head. Fortunately, mine was ok and we'll pray that yours will be too. To get through all the tests and stuff takes time - too much time to think. Try to stay poistive and know that all of us are with you. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Thank you all so much for the positive energy and the prayers. I can't even tell you how much it means to me. I will keep you all updated. Take care, Lisa

[missinmyhubby]

I just keep reading and reading all the posts on here. Not sure how to really put my feelings down for sake of opening all the wounds. I took the website down for GriefShare group (thank you for posting it!)...thinking maybe I will call. Maybe to get some counseling that is wayyyyyy over due, and to volunteer possibly. It has been a little over three years for me....does it get better? Yes, it does...or maybe we just learn to live with the pain which makes it feel more dull over time.

Lisa...I hope everything goes good for you!!! I had the same thing, and of course everyone's scenario is different. I am a big soda drinker and they found it was from too much caffeine...whewwwwwww. You will be in my prayers.

Lauraa...I pray to him now, but I didn't for a very long time. I was so angry at him. I have no idea why he does the things that he does, but they say he has reasons we may never know. I started going back to church because I needed comfort somehow. I went only to listen to the sermons and take from it what I WANTED, and nothing more. After all, if God could be selfish and take my husband and my baby's father, then I could damn well be selfish too..and in his house even!!! Well, one thing led to another and I talk to him quite often again. =]

Darlene...I have more songs for you, and will post them. I started to the other night and fell asleep face down on the keyboard just when I was about done. Apparently I was asleep long enough that it wouldn't let me send the post when I woke up...lol..GRRRRRRRR. It took me like a long time to get them all on there between dosing off spells...lol.

Well, I am off to bed...thinking of all of you and wondering what life holds for us all. Night all!

[aprilmoonflower]

missingmyhubby- thanks for being so honest about how it feels and that things will get a little better (or dull the pain at least). just what I needed to hear right now! I too am very angry with my DH..I don't know how to deal with it but am very reluctant to go to therapy of any sort. I am a bit stubborn and a lot more private than I ever realized. I guess it's just pride and denial in a way as well...sigh..so many issues to deal with and it's been a little over 13 months! I just wish things would become boring almost. I am tired of the drama, the pain and the hurt!

loosing eddie & darlene- I have been thinking of you both..haven't seen either of you post much! just wanted to say I miss chatting with you both! =)

[manda14]

I have to say how nice it is to be able to read thoughts from all of you...very helpfull.

aprilmoonflower, reluctant to do any sort of therapy??? You already have. Just doing this and talking to all of these women is a form of therapy. We may not be doctors, but discussing your situation and your feelings to perfect strangers like we all do is great start towards heeling.

Reading all your comments about still feeling horrible after years makes me kind of sad. It has only been 5 months for me and although some days I feel much better, some days I feel like it was just yesterday. I re-play that awfull night in my head way to much. I guess we may never really get over it...and I think that's O.K. I've noticed that things will get better,................ then worse, then better again. We're all on a roller coaster right now....some of the drops even make you sick to your stomach...but we're all strong women who know how to hold on tight.

[loosingeddie]

HI EVERYONE, YES IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I POSTED.......THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME APRILMOONFLOWER.... I HAVE BEEN READING THE POST I FEEL SO LOST FOR WORDS SOMETIMES AND JUST CLOSE UP....I KNOW IT IS PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR ME...I AM HEADING TO 13 MONTHS ON THE FIRST AND IT DOES SEEM LIKE YESTERDAY YET... I WENT TO THE CEMETERY TODAY AND EDGED AROUND HIS STONE AND TOOK A BUNCH OF FALL FLOWERS.... I SAT THERE FOR AWHILE UNDER THE SHADE TREE THAT IS OVER HIM AND JUST THOUGHT AND THOUGHT.....I MISS HIM SO MUCH........HIS DEATH CAME AS SUCH A SHOCK I THINK IN A WAY I AM STILL IN SHOCK... OH I CAN FUNCTION AND GET ALONG IN LIFE BUT NOTHING IS THE SAME...NOTHING.....THE KIDS SEEM TO BE DOING PRETTY GOOD SO I GUESS I MUST BE DOING O.K. LOL JUST SO EMPTY WITHOUT HIM....I GUESS WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE..... I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR YOU ALL.... AND THANK YOU ALL FOR CARING...MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ...... THANKS AGAIN APRILMOONFLOWER YOU MADE ME GET BACK HERE AND POST.......

[loosingeddie]

WOW WHERE IS EVERYONE TODAY?????? I AM LONELY??? WELL JUST CHECKING ON ALL OF YOU.. YOU MUST BE BUSY.. GOING TO PICK UP THE KIDS IN A FEW MINUTES... AND THEN MAYBE A AFTERNOON MOVIE... WELL I WILL CHECK BACK LATER.... MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU..... BLAH ANOTHER WEEKEND:( SEEMS THEY ARE SO HARD THESE DAYS.......

[rodless]

I don't know about the others but I've been in bed with stomach flu - ugh! Had a wonderful day on Wednesday then crashed with the stupid flu which made me feel VERY sorry for myself which triggered off a HUGE meltdown.... I am heading for the cemetary after work to see if Rod's stone is in. The hole has been dug for about a week. I suppose even though I think I'm prepared, seeing his name on it will be a real downer. I know it's final and everything but... Hope you're all doing well. Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Mary Jo,

I also had that stomach bug last weekend....it lasted a couple days....stomach, body aches, headache, and felt feverish.....yuk! I think we all get run down so we need to get the extra rest we need. The cemetary is difficult but when I go I don't want to leave...I spend hours there.....my husband is buried in our hometown which is 800 miles away so I don't get there often. That has helped me though to focus on the fact that he is not there but in the spirit realm now and is with me always.......It is all a rough road that we are all traveling...I hate every minute of it........I do appreciate the fact that you are all here for support and to know we all feel so much the same.....the world is so lonely now, isn't it? I hope you feel better and everyday gets better for you.

[aprilmoonflower]

I had the stomach bug as well about a week ago! (no fun at all)

I am kind of envious of those of you who have a grave/cemetary to go to. you will always have that. All I have are ashes which is just kind of depressing. I Have opened them up and looked at them more times than I care to admit. I do plan to put them into a manmade reef next year..(I will only have the GPS location in the ocean of where the reef is dropped though). I can relate in a way though to seeing your DH name on a headstone, as I have a certificate of cremation. Just seeing his name in print on it, kills me!!!!!!!!

Hope everyone is doing ok! Not much going on for us this weekend. I have been trying to make weekends a bit more "special" for my kiddos. we will be going swimming (it's still HOT here in the southwest), having a movie night & baking cookies, going to the zoo w/ some freinds and I promised my 2yo I would paint him a rocketship on the playroom wall (his current obsession). I am tired just typing it all.lol. but it's essential for me to stay busy right now! (Plus I don't feel it's fair of me to mourn away my children's childhood's-life DOES go on wether we want it to or not!) but I am especially needing to keep busy on the weekends. Otherwise I am just stressing over financial/tax/social security issues...ack. oh yeah, I ran into a family friend (of DH family that I have pretty much disowned since he died today I hadn't seen since the funeral....talk about awkward!

[loosingeddie]

APRILMOONFLOWER MY HUSBAND WAS CREMATED ALSO.... I BOUGHT A URN AND A VAULT I PLACED THE URN IN THE VAULT AND THEN PICS OF THE KIDS, HIS MOM, THINGS THE KIDS MADE ETC... MOMENTO'S AROUND THE MARBLE URN IN THE VAULT THEN OF COURSE I BOUGHT THE PLOT AND STONE AND HAD IT ALL BURIED THERE......IT IS HARD SEEING HIS NAME THERE AND IN MY CASE MINE IS THERE ALSO... HOPE YOU GET TO FEELING BETTER HANG IN THERE.........

[rodless]

The stone wasn't in place yet. I wanted cremation so I could bring Rod's ashes home with me but he was insistant on burial... one of the few things we didn't see eye to eye on. I didn't think I would visit the grave as much as I do. Not sure if it's the gravesite itself or the fact that the cemetary is peaceful - on a hill, always a great view of the sky & sunset and very quiet. Rarely anyone else there at the times I like to go... so I can cry, sit under a tree, walk the dog, pray outloud etc. I really don't feel like that where he's at but it's become a place of great comfort. What I'll do this winter, I don't know. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Hi all...

I've been a little quiet lately too...not a great week for, not exactly sure why. Just one of those weeks where I've been haradpressed to put together more than an hour or so without tearing up...sigh....

April, and eddie...tom was cremated too, but I've taken a very different road with his remains, actually taken them on the road! I have been scattering him all over, special places here in california..mostly up in Northern Ca and central coast area, at many of our friends houses, the hollywood bowl, where we spent a lot of time evry summer, took him home to minnesota and scattered him at several special places, even took him to disneyland...yep, he's there!! We also planted a tom tree...and i put some ashes in to a cigar box (He loved his cigars) and planted that under the tree.

I always have some ashes with me, in case something strikes me as a place where he'd like to be, or where either myself or my son thinks it would be fun to leave a little. At this point, i have covered all but one of the places i know he wants some ashes at...that one is tricky, it's private and....well...it will take a while, but he'll be there! I got him on the 18th hole at pebble beach..i can get him anywhere!

Sometimes i think this sounds so weird, but, I know it's right for us. He's always with me, but I'm just scattering his ashes, not him. And it's kind of fun..because you really have to kind of be sneaky about it..my son and i, and others, have had some laughs doing it! And. most importantly, we talked about doing exactly this...he would have done it for me too. The worst part is that he can't do it for me. he was the only one who knew exactly where i wanted to be. Now, i suppose I'll have to write it out for my son, or whoever...not really the same.

Anyway, I'm sorry that some of you have been sick...hope you all feel better soon.

peace, Michele

[rodless]

One more thing before I get off and go to bed way too late.. I've been reading some of George Anderson's books. His home page has a feature called George's Corner that right now has a message about why fall is such a tough season for those who are suffering from a loss. It made sense to me... MJ

[foxfire]

Hi

Just wanted to let you know how much comfort your posts have given me. My significant other passed away August 6, and as you all know, life won't ever be the same.