I Miss Him So...

[lauraa]

DeeAnn,

Thanks so much for your enlighened words. I guess it takes one to know one, huh! Sounds like you are on the other side of all this messy business. It does help to hear words of encouragement that we all will have peace again. My husbands light is still lite...as a matter of fact I always told him to "stay in the light" when he got scared or discouraged. We fought like crazy for him to get well right down to the end....didn't even talk about where he would like to be buried cause I never wanted to discourage him but looking back he knew his time was coming and by then it was just to painful for me to talk about...not to mention I was totally exhausted! It has proven to be the most exhausting 18 months of my life. Lots of grieving to do, kids to raise and paper work out the ying yang.....sound familiar? I'm just getting my feet on the ground but now it seems as though my grieving is at a deeper level...maybe all that other stuff shielded how much I could handle emotionally. I really don't appreciate the holidays creeping up on me again either. I just want to sleep and try and forget all this has happened...problem is I have a tough time sleeping at all. Oh well, I guess that comes with the territory.....Thank you again for your beautiful words and I am going to down load the song you mentioned.

[sillygirl]

Hi to everyone...I know that ir has been quite along time since I have been here but life has been really busy. I have now started my own business with my fiancee and I am planning on getting married in March 2006 to a wonderful man. I hope that all of you are doing well, Laura, Jen, and all the rest I pray that you have found peace and comfort in your hearts. It takes a long time but it will come. I keep all of you in my prayer too. Gods blessings as well as mine. Sue

[njgirl361]

Hi everyone...Melissa...thank you for your words of encouragement. I think of all of you everyday and the pain that we are all going through. I just found out tonite that a mother in my town lost her husband...he has been battling cancer and they have 2 daughters (10 and 2). My heart goes out to her and I gave a message to one of her dear friends that if she needs to talk to please call me...only "we" can appreciate what if feels like to lose the person we love....maybe I can help her...or we can help eachother. I've been reading a book by George Anderson "we don't die"....it's been helping....I defintitely recommend it to all of you.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow....he may induce me the day before thanksgiving. I will let him make the decision (hoping that Mark is guiding me through every step). I am so scared of having this baby...but on the other hand I can't wait to hold him in my arms and maybe, just maybe I will feel his father when I do. My kids are so excited to meet their new brother....they have absolutely been my strength through this....it's amazing what three "brats" (ha ha..only kidding) have the ability to help me through.

We all need to take a deep breath and realize that life in its hardest, most unbearable times has to have some kind of significence....would any of us trade a moment with our loved ones knowing what the end result would be? I know I wouldn't. Mark gave me so much love and happiness....we laughed all the time...sometimes at the stupidest things too! Unfortunately when life is "good" we don't dwell on it, we don't let it consume us...we take it for granted as if it will last forever......now that we are in pain it seems to consume every moment of our lives. Is it human nature? or is it God's way of reminding us to the cherish the "good" times and maybe dwell on them instead. Dwell on the fact that this baby may be a miracle... a "great" thing...think about that more than the fact that his dad isn't here on earth with him. Even dwell on the fact that my kids woke up this morning...healthy...and were put to bed smiling...I WILL TRY TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN...DWELL ON THE GOOD.

I know I am rambling...but if I can make any sense to any of you maybe I did something productive today. Love to all....and as always you are in my prayers.

[melissa1026]

Do you have days that everyting seems to just hit you in the stomach... seems like today is my day.. its my fault. i forgot to go to bank before 2 and i have drafts that come out and now have 203.00 in overdraft charges.. does it never stop. i guess i've just had so much on my mind and i forgot... but geeeze does it never end. as if i don't have enough to worry about.. sometimes i just think let them come and get me i don't care anymore. All the responsibility falls on us now.. i don't dare tell Billy he has enough to deal with.. but just sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with everything. having to take care of everything. I know all of you have felt this way at some point.. my family just doesn't understand. when i told my siter what i had done she said i should manage things better.. well put what i have on her plate and she how she does..

sorry for the ranting.. i am having one of my bad days and must leave all this at the door when i go home so i can enjoy the time i have with billy and not burden him. Sometims feel like i'm all alone and no one cares. at least all of you know what i am going thru. it helps to be able to vent here and know that you understand. i am mad at myself for the stupid mistake. i called the bank and of course there are no exceptions.. no matter what. does any one but us care. do they even have a glimmer of what is going on in our lives and do they even care.

I am so tired. Billy had a rough night last night. Well enough of my pitty pool. I just have to remind myslef I am not alone I have all of you who understand like no one else can.

My prayers and thoughts are with all of you.

Melissa

[lauraa]

Melissa,

I am sorry you are having a bad day....My advice is for you to go to your local branch and sit down with one of the guys (behind the desk) not a tell or by phone. Look them in the eye and tell them your situation because they can do anything they want to....I know because I've done it and once those bank people get to know you and your situation they help. No-one else will ever know unless they have experiences your heartache. I just got home from my son's game and it feels so lonely because none of those people can even begin to imagine the pain my family and I have endured. You are doing a great job and don't let anyone tell you anything differently. Ask for help for this holiday coming up...let everyone coming do one dish and you just throw the damn bird in. Either that or hotdogs...lol! Keep writing and just love your husband.

[melissa1026]

Laura

Thank you so much.. i even laughed when you said just throw in the damn bird.. thank you thank you... i am feeling better, guess i just had to vent. with working all day and up most all nights with billy it is begining to get to me. he has 2 gown childeren that will not even come to vist... that's another thorn in my side. they could be a tremendous help to me but they are not willing to help.

To all of you. You are in my heart and my prayers.

[lauraa]

NJgirl361,

You are doing a great job! A baby! A gift! It is going to be a real mixed bag of emotions for you. Stay in the moment and concentrate on your breathing. Your loved one is right there with you and will be assisting in the birth. I know you will feel that more and more with each passing day. Just like grieving is a mixed bag throughout the entire process...that's why it takes so long it seems to work thru all the emotions. I am thinking and praying for you to have an easy and beautiful delivery. Gee, I wonder what you'll name the baby?????

Melissa, You are going a great job, too! I know the exhaustion you speak about. Up all day and no quality sleep at night...I still don't sleep! Remember, you are in control of this holiday...it is all about you and Billy.....It is probally his way of saying goodbye. My daddy passed away on Dec. 7th almost 2 years ago...I went home and we had 2 parties. One day a birthday party for him and the next day Thanksgiving. He told me everything he wanted to eat and he paid for everything...he knew it was his last. It was just family and a few of his friends....He had a great time. My dad showed me how to "pass on" with dignity and total grace. Maybe he prepared me for the day that I would loose my husband??? As for his kids that aren't contributing...I don't have the answers for that as for the last 18 months I have been trying to figure out where my best friends (supposedly) and family members have been. They all vanish! That has been the biggist thing to try and figure out for me. Even my best friends. I got a call from a friend of mine the other day saying, crying that she has been praying of this and she misses me...well hell, I've always been right here! People just don't want to see others grieving...maybe then they would really have to face their feelings. Gosh, we wouldn't ever want anyone to that, would we? They all want things to be hunky damn dory all the time. Well my life turned upside down and poof....gone....most everyone. And, people say you got to get out more..We all will get thru this in our own time and in our own way. Do Thanksgiving the way you and Bill want it and you will always hold onto those memories.

Joyce, You stay stong. I can't image living with a daughter-n-law like that. Things will lighten up for you but don't give up. You and I are on the same time line here and everything you write sounds like we are on the same page. You are doing great! Bob is with you...I just know it! I have felt my husband so many times and I have had so many readings given to me that validates this to me. Keep looking at the sky!

Sillygirl, Congratulations to you. Your positive outlook is always encouraging to me. I am so glad you have found happiness again. Your faith is strong.

To everyone, God bless all of you.

[crds2710]

I just recently found this website, mainly because I never thought abouy death until the person I loved more than anything in this world died three months ago. "They" say that you are not supposed to have any regrets--but I am discovering quite a few; time is supposed to heal all wounds, but time seems to make this wound more infected. Thankfully there are people who create websites such as these, and books to read which are opening my mind to a world beyond the only one we know. I just want to thank those that reach out to help. One thing I have learned is that unless you experience the pain of losing someone you love, it's almost impossible to convey the agony of it to those who haven't. It's not their fault. There is no way for them to understand the myriad of emotions one catapults through during grieving. This is a new place for me, a place I dislike, but my gratitude goes to those who have visited this place before and have said: "Welcome, you are not alone".

[njgirl361]

Laurraa..thanks so much for your words. I went to the doctor yesterday and I am starting to dilate and the baby's head is all the way down. Which, of course, means I can go at anytime. I've been so uncormfortable and having a lot of contractions (even waking me up during the night). I feel so alone, even though I have a lot of support from friends and family. I just can't believe Mark isn't here for this....it's so overwhelming but I know I have to try to stay strong and get MYSELF through this. I was just looking at his picture and still can't believe that he is gone forever. I know he's with me but it's so hard not to have his physical body here with me. I know I'm not saying anything WE ALL haven't had to deal with....it's the hardest journey of my life....I just hope that when it's OUR time to go that God remembers us for the strength we have and for the sorrow we've had to endure here on earth...maybe we'll get some special treatment on the otherside...what do you think? who knows...it's nice to believe though. Hope you're doing ok today....talk to you soon.

[jlizzy]

Hi everyone,

I have been hit so hard today and I am not sure how to handle it yet.

My grandaughter turned 6 today )shes the one I live with) and I was at

her birthday party and I heard her other grandmother say to my

daughter-in-law(the one I live with) that she isnt coming Thanksgiving

because her other daughers husbands sisters are coming to her house

to see the new baby. Then she said,"Well, I am going to be cooking

anyway so it doesnt matter how much I have to make". I couldnt hear

my daughter-in-laws reply, but her mother said,"What about Joyce (me)?"

my daughter in law noticed that I was close by and she didnt answer.

The original plans for Thursday were that her family and my youngest

son and his family were coming here to PA. In the past 18 months

I have felt abandoned by my husband; but not like today.

My son has been with this girl for over 10 years and it has always

been her family and I have let it go all these years because I had

my husband; but this year, this hit me like a ton of bricks.

Four days before Thanksgiving and the plans are changing. I cant

take this anymore. The next two months is going to be torture for

me. Now I wonder what she will do for Christmas.

I am going to call Social Security Monday. I turn 60 on March 7th

and at that time I will be eligible for my husbands check. But I

understand that you have to apply 3 months in advance. So, I am

going to apply for his just in case they dont give me my disability.

I need to get out of here, one way or the other. When I got up

this morning and saw that I had had a restless night (I knew because

the bedspread and blanket was all on one side of the bed) that this

was going to be the day from HELL. Excuse my language. and it is.

Now the WHY's are starting again, of course with no answers.

Well, I will talk to my son tonight when he gets home. Because if she

is going to her mothers Thursday, then I will go to my other sons

house instead of them bringing 5 kids up here.

It's not that I dont have a place to go where I am wanted; its just

that you would think that this witch of a daughter in law would let

me know, instead of waiting for last minute.

I am sorry for venting, I have been getting so much stronger. I have

realized that this daughter in law is trying to drive me crazy and

I have been fighting it. I refuse to let her come between my son

and I.

I have to go meditate to calm myself down and maybe my husband will

come through to help me.

Take care everyone

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

You do need to get out of there...it is time! You need a place of your own. Don't let you son see this or maybe you should be honest with him. I'm sure you wouldn't be telling him anything he doen't already know. Bob is with you....just keep breathing thru all of this and the light will come out again. Believe if I told you just half of the stuff that has happened to me you wouldn't believe it. I told a friend of mine that if she wasn't with me thru this journey and saw and heard the things that happened to me she wouldn't have believe it and she agreed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep being Joyce and everything will work out.

[melissa1026]

Joyce

You need to do what will make you happy. There is so much on all of us now and we need every little bit of peace that we can get.. try not to think of daugher-in-law from hell... she has no way of knowing what you are going thru and is being very selfish.. take a deep breath and think about the happier times when life wasn't so sad..i'm not reall a good one to give advice but my thoughts and prayers are with you

[jlizzy]

Melissa and Laura,

Thank you, I guess that I just need a boost from time to time.

just a reminder that I have to do what is best for me and just

take things in stride and breathe and it will all work out okay.

A friend suggested that I call Social Security and apply for my

husbands check just in case they refuse my disability. she said

that you have to apply for that 3 months in advance too.

Well, I will turn 60 March 7th, so I am going to call tomorrow

and see what they say. I am going to insist that either they

put in for his checks. Wish me luck, i havent had much luck with

social security so far.

I hope you are having a good day today.

God Bless

Joyce

[jenmulloy]

I havent posted in a while. Today is a year. Ive been so emotional lately and I just want what I had a year ago. Ill take the bills and the hard times any day over not having him with us any day. I dont want to be alone anymore and I dont want to even think about starting over again with anyone because I was supposed to have him with me forever. I feel so worn and lonely and helpless. I miss everything about being in love and having someone to hold. I look at my son and see his Dad and it just makes me wonder how life would be today if he were still here. I havent met a lot of you but there has been so much support in the past year and I thank all of you who have helped me through that.

[iocasti]

Dear jenmulloy

like you yesterday was the 9 mounths since he is gone...in Greece is like the anniversary of the year..we go to church we invite people...we pray...and after all this ...after everyone was back to his home...i was all alone...me my kids and my memories..and what? I am suppose to get used to it? be alone? no arms arround me? I feel like an animal...i am pressing myself not to remember....not to see arround me...couse anyones else life is normal and it hearts me...my life is work, kids, sleep....thank you God for all this...i realy apreciate it but.....i losted my soul..i am forcing myself to loose my soul...it is so hard to controle my thoughts...to put away all my feelings all my wish for happiness...i dont want to cry anymore...but also i can not be really happy anymore...i am tired.... thank you all for being here ...

[lauraa]

To all my dear friends here,

I wish you all a peaceful Thanksgiving. May you all find even just a "moment" of happiness. Our love ones are with us! God bless all of you and love to you all.

Jenmulloy, There you are! I have thought of you often. Hold that little guy close to your heart. Peace will find us all.....I trust!

Joyce, Make that call...you earned it!

[melissa1026]

Michelle you have been on my mind.. are you ok? Maybe your busy with the new baby? Just know that you are in my prayers.

Laura i think about you alot..you are a special person.

Things are still the same here.. i often wonder what it's like to be happy and care free. will we ever have that again.. Even though Billy is still with me I feel so alone and know that it will be even worse when the time comes.I can at least tell him i love him. He's gotten so depressed. I can't seem to get him out of it.. i see people laughing and planning things and I just think i used to do that. when he wasn't so sick we'd laugh and kid around. now it's like walking into a dungen when i get home. sometimes i don't even want to go home... i shouldn't feel that way he's still here but I dread the future... i shouldn't do that either. i want what we had. and that won't happen.

Even though it was his idea to have everyone at Thanksgiving he's still so depressed. maybe when they start showing up it will be better.

Our home used to be filled with laughter and fun... i'm being selfish i know.

Thoughts run thru my head that i would not dare speak out loud. My heart aches for all of you... but at least we have this site. I usually feel better afer getting my thoughts down.. i can't let him see what this is doing to me so i have try to be cheerful 24-7 and that's hard.

Well each one of you try to get thru this holiday.. think of happier times if you can. remember you are in my thoughts and prayers

[lauraa]

Michelle,

I think you said tomorrow is the day so I am checking in to see if you are o.k. I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

Melissa, I know what you are saying...it is so so hard for you right now....if you can let everyone else pitch in especially on Thursday and help you along with spending time with your husband....You need to take alittle time and take care of yourself even if you go outside and breathe in alittle fresh air.....Hang in there and just know you have friends here to let it "all" out with.....

[njgirl361]

Lauraa, Melissa and everyone....Thanks for checking in with me. I went for a sonogram today and I was hooked up to the fetal monitor. The doctor is not going to induce me tomorrow...he feels the baby is on the "smaller" side and would like him to grow a little bit more before inducing. So it looks like I won't get away with spending thanksgiving in the hospital afterall (THAT WAS MY PLAN). Anyhow, I hope all of you are feeling ok....this sucks as usual but at least we all know we're not alone. You guys are my inspiration and knowing that we can all survive this makes me some glimpse of hope in the future. Stay strong......and if I don't get back on line before thanksgiving please try to enjoy your day.....Michele

[loveyoualways]

This is the fifth Thanksgiving I spent without my husband. And it is still hard without him. I miss him most around the holidays. I do journal, writing letters to him and I surround myself with friends around this time. My blessings go out to all of you who are new in your grief.

[jlizzy]

Well, I made it through another Thanksgiving without Bob.It was a little

easier than last year. I did stay home because my son in NJ had to work.

It wasnt too bad. My son and his family stayed home too. I started the

fixings for the turkey, but I couldnt stuff it because of the psorasis

on my hands; so my son stuffed it and left it upside down. When I went

to check it 3 hours later, I noticed it was upside down and we had to

turn it over. But it turned out okay, very tender.

We thought about Bob, who was a chef, and how he would laugh about it.

It made the day easier for me and my son.

I hope everyone found something to help you get through Thanksgiving.

If you are having a rough time, remember; it is okay to cry, to remember

the good times and to grieve as long as it takes. It will be 17 months

in 3 days and I am doing as good as can be expected. I think about Bob

every day and I talk to him about the good times we had together.

Funny, I can remember the bad times when I was young; but I cant

remember many of the bad times Bob & I had. This is a good thing.

We were so very close, so close that we finished each others sentences,

said the same thing at the same time and always knew when to hold the

other. I have lost that physically, but not emotionally. Emotionally,

Bob is still with me and always will be. I am so grateful that he

is out of pain and I know that he is waiting for me, whenever my time

comes. That is what keeps me going, besides my sons and grandchildren.

I go to my counselor every week and I vent to her about my problems

and feelings. She cries with me, laughs with me and this is what I

need right now. I guess because she is the only person that I can

let it all out with, besides all of you. Somehow having someone to

let it all out with in person helps so much.

I only hope that all of you are doing as good as can be expected

today, for although it gets somewhat easier--it is never going to

go away. For we all have lost 1/2 of ourselves and nobody can

replace that. We just have to make the best of it and go on and

believe me, it isnt easy to say "go on". If someone had said this

to me 17 months ago, I wouldnt believe it. Although I have my "bad"

days, I am starting to have some good days and I always make it

through. You will too, just hang in there. Dont let the past go

for it is part of you.

God Bless

JOyce

[jlizzy]

Melissa,

I hope you and your husband had a good Thanksgiving. My last Thanksgiving

with Bob was horrible; he was in bed in pain and I was recupperating from

a gallbladder operation; the son in NJ had company and the son I live with

was at his wifes family all day (we didnt see him at all); but my son

in NJ and his wife brought dinner over to us. My last holidays with Bob

were spent just us two. Funny, but when I met Bob, holidays were just

another day of the week for him; now they are just another day of the

week for me. although I put on a good front for my family, my heart

still aches.

Stay strong, my prayers are with you.

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

Well I made it thru the Holiday in one piece! What a long road this is! It still feels so surreal to me.....Oh well, just glad to get thru it. Now on to the next ones. My therapist says we have to plan things out so that these stressful times aren't disasterous for us. It did help me to plan last year and thank god for her advice....she helped me with decisions with my kids that made a huge difference...guess I probally do the same kind of things again this year. Let's all try and find little moments of peace that gives us happiness. I think for me when I get away from thinking that my husband hasn't lived on then that is when I get really depressed. I know he is with me always. It is so hard for me to go on without him even though that is what I am doing. We were together since we were 14 years old. We knew everything about each other and grew up together. I miss him so much. I went to a friends house for Thanksgiving and she gave me a picture of him and it felt like that image of him is constantly with me...it made me sad. Not that I wasn't anyway. I loved him with everything I had. I know you all can understand that. Let's all stick together and we will get thru this holiday season and beyond.

Love to you all.

[melissa1026]

JLIZZY and Laura

Thanks for asking.... it was terrible... i know he's still with me but it is so hard getting thru this.. he stayed in his sick room the whole time.. everyone is so worried about him and it was awful listening to all they had to say.. i wish i'd just been here alone with him. but it's what he wanted and everyone did get to talk with him.. i tried to be cheerful for his sake but it is so hard to do. and sometimes i just wish i could cry for days...seeing all the husbands and wives laughing and planning for christmas. just made me want to go in my room and shut the door, but life gones on and we must also.. i get mad to easy nowdays.. i really have to watch what i say to my family. they just don' get it..

hope all of you got thur holiday ok.only the ones her know exactly what i am talkign about. this was hard for me but i know it will be worse later on. when i am alone.

holidays are just another day to get thur now.

my thoughts and prayers are with all of you

[aprilmoonflower]

Well I made it through Thanksgiving. I took the kiddos to Disneyland and met up with my SIL (my DH Sister) and her family. it was exhausting & emotional but I'm glad we went. even after 20 hours in the car with 2 babies (yep I'm crazy I know!) seriously though, I'm sooo glad we got out and away from our home for a bit. it helped. it was 3 months yesterday since DH passed. still no word from the police when the case will be closed. it's becoming so unsettling. but reality is settling in a bit more each day and I just feel numb and missing him more and more.

Hope everyone is well. sorry I haven't written much but things are crazy with the 2 little ones and just keeping up with everyday things!

[jlizzy]

Hi Everyone,

So glad to hear everyone got through Thanksgiving okay. today is 18 months

that Bob is gone. Sometimes it feels like he is still here. But today,

comes the realization that he is gone; but not gone from my heart for he

holds half of my heart with him until my day comes and we

are together again and he will give me back that half of my heart.

I think the anniversaries are worse for me, i dont even have to look at

a calender and I know.It is as though there is a part of me that says

this is the day Bob left; this is the day part of my heart left;

this is the day to remember and this is the day I was left alone.

My mind just knows when the day comes and although I have tried not to

think of the date, it doesnt matter. I wonder if this is Bob's way

of telling me it will be okay; if he is just reminding me that he is

still with me and will not leave me; that he will be there for me

no matter what.

Even though it seems easier sometimes; I have such hard days, like

today. 18 months and I dont remember what happened during that time.

Thanks for listening,

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

[Mellisa,

Stay strong, I know it is hard to do for I went through what you are going

through now.

My prayers are with you and your husband.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Michelle,

How was your thanksgiving? How are you feeling? I hope you are doing

okay. I know how hard this is for you.

Be strong

God Bless

Joyce

[hurleyta]

Hi there,

I am new to this website and am in a lot of pain. My fiancee passed away on 11/12/2005. I know that the pains of grieving are fresh and that they will last for a LONG time, but I am having a problem with not being able to cry almost all the time.

James is the Love of my Life and I found him dead in our home on 11/12/2005. He was to the doctor and put on new medications on 11/11/2005. I still feel like it is my fault that I took a nap in the afternoon and woke up to find him dead. I keep on blaming myself, although I know that God makes the rules, not me. I also believe that everything happens for a reason. James mediation apparently had a reaction with his body and caused him to die. I keep on asking the question of why??? Is this normal??? I know that the why is because God said so... If just hurts so deep inside.

James was only 39 years old and we had just started our own business in August of this year. We had a lot going for us and now all of our dreams are gone.

James left behind 4 wonderful children and a huge loving family. James also left me behind. This doesn't feel good at all... People keep on telling me that I need to let him go so that he can rest in peace. How do you let the man you love go and rest in peace when he dies so suddenly? James has a wonderful caring heart and would give the shirt off of his back to anyone that needed it. He also treated me with love and respect something that I wasn't used to. I feel like a huge part of my soul is missing. I am no longer complete and no longer whole. He was my soul mate and now I just feel so darn lost. I don't know what to do...

His family has been so very wonderful through this whole thing. The are very loving and caring people, this is where James got it from. We lived in FL and his family is up in CT. I took his body home to be with his family. I felt it right, as his mother is still alive and he was the baby in the family. I miss him so very much, but hope that he spirit is still watching over me. I know that God allows us such a short time here on Earth, but never really thought about it before. The morning James died he told me that he wanted to grow old with me, by 1:41pm he was dead, at least that is what the coriner has told me.

I need support from those who can relate and understand what I am going through.. Our friends believe that they can help me, but they are causing me more pain than help. It is hard to look at some of them, for they were close to us. I can't stop looking at pictures of him/us together and feel that I can hold him through these photos. I also want to honor his memory in some way, but am not sure how. We didn't have much, but we had each other and James had his children. I can't have children, as Endometriosis killed my organs and I had to have a hysterectomy in May of this year.

I just miss James so much and feel so completely lost without him. I am going back to work tomorrow. This is going to be a task in itself, as James was working on the roof of my job when he died. I am so used to him calling me and talking to me and telling me how much he loves me and I no longe have this. I know that I am not alone.

I had a dream about him last night and I woke up feeling peaceful this morning, then I got out of bed and it all hit me again. James is gone and I will never be with him again. Or at least not here on Earth, I pray to be with him when God calls me home...

Trish

[jlizzy]

Trish,

I am so sorry you lost your fiance. I lost my husband 17 months ago yesterday.

In some ways it gets easier; but in most ways, it is still hard.

Looking at pictures and writing to my husband in a journal helped me.

This is a hard journey to take, but grieve at your pace; dont let anyone

tell you that you should be getting on with your life. You will get on

with your life in your own time. There are many hurdles to get over in

this horrible grief process. For you have lost half your heart and you

have no idea WHY it had to happen you. These are normal feelings.

I wish that there was something to make it go away and bring our loved

one back; but there isnt.

Do what feels natural for you; as we all are grieving our loved ones

in our own way.

Just keep posting, there are a lot of great people here to support you.

God Bless

Joyce

[melissa1026]

Trish

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to describe what we all feel. I still have my husband with me although he is so terribly sick. All of us know what you are feeling. the sick emptyness in the pit of your stomach... the hardest part for me is the waiting and not knowing... just know that we are here for you. this site has helped me more than i can say. we can at least say what is on our mind and know that everyone here knows what we are going thru. and JLIZZY is right. do it at your own pace. don't let anyone tell you to quit greaving until you are ready.. there are so many here that know how you feel right now.. keep coming back here for there is alot of love and compassion on this site. Laura, Michelle and Joyce have all be a tremendous comfort for me.

My thoughts and prayers to all

Melissa

[melissa1026]

Michele

How are you doing? I hope you got thru Thanksgiving ok.. any more about when the baby will make an apperance? Stay strong. I know you can. You have so much going on in your life right now. I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers.

Melissa

Laura

I'm glad you got thru holiday ok.. you have helped me so much.. take care of youself.

Melissa

[sunflowergm]

Hi My name is Gina, I also lost my fiance on january 6th 2004. I found him in our apartment. He was taken medications (that he did not need) from all sorts of doctors I tried just about everything to try to stop him from dying but he didnt listen I was reading your story and its simular to mine. Im sorry for your loss I still cant get over the pain i have in my heart for my joe he was the love of my life and its getting harder for me to deal with what life has put out their for me.I hope you will be able to smile again as for me being happy seems impossible.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

I am so sorry to know there are two newcomers here....I am truely sorry to hear of your personal losses and the pain that I know you both feel in your hearts. All of us here totally understand. It truely has been the worst time of my life and I have had alot of major stressful things since my dear husbands "passing". I will ony say he "passed", I couldnt't go on if I thought anything differently. Plus, I have gone to a beautiful Spiritual church and mediums have told me over and over again that he is o.k. which has helped me tremendously. I also went to a medium for a private reading and she told me things she could never had known about him. I did this for myself because I had to know. I always believed in eternal life but when I lost him I was obsessed to know. I also lost both my parents in a six month time span of my husband. Sometimes, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. People don't want to see our pain and I think it creates a distance between us. Even when we finally venture out there I am totally amazed at some of the stuff that comes out of peoples mouths. We have to be stronger than ever but that doesn't mean we can't grieve in our own ways....You all keep writing and we will raise each other up. God bless you all!

[hurleyta]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for your care and concern. It really is nice to know that I have a place to come to vent and grieve and that others who have been through/are going through what I am are here to talk to.

Gina, I really feel for you. I found James as well and it hurts so much. I keep on blaming myself, cause I went to take a nap and when I woke up, he was dead on our bathroom floor. I tried to revive him, but it was too late... He had already been dead for over an hour. He had died just after I layed down and that was the last time that I got to see his smiling face.

James was always trying to be a kid again. We had a lot going for us and I now I feel so alone and like our life together was cut short. How old was Joe when he died??? James was 39 years old when he died. James had gone to see the doctor the day before his death and the doctor took his Blood Pressure and weight, but never did anything else. I feel that doctors need to do more to know who and what they are prescribing to people. Where I live some doctors have been charged with manslaughter for prescribing meds to patients... I am angry for his death, but I can't change anything or bring him back. Now I am left alone to deal with the day to day life we used to live together. I miss him terribly and talk to him every day. I just PRAY that he is listening and here with me.... That is my only comfort, that he is here with me.

Trish

[jenmulloy]

I hope everyone made it through Thanksgiving in one piece. I made it through, though alli thought was how it would've been with Brad. My parents came over and mom wasnt feeling so well, so they left early. Mom has ms and its taking its toll on her body. I feel so helpless cause i cant do anything to help her. My friend came over and invited me to go to the movies with her that night, so it was a help and I'm so grateful to have her to spend time with. I went out with her again over the weekend because it was the anniversary of the day I laid him to rest. So many emotions run over and I just can't stop thinking about it, can't stop crying. I hope everyone who is dealing with a fresh wound is getting as much support as I did in the very beginning. I yearn to smell him and feel his arms around me, I miss him so much. To love someone so much and never be able to see him again is the worst feeling in the world.

[bella50]

Hello Everyone,

I've just found these boards tonight, 8 weeks after I lost my husband of 30 years. He died of a sudden heart attack, here at home, right in front of me. Our neighbor is a first responder, heard my 911 call and was here doing CPR in about 2 minutes, but to no avail. Jack was dead...I am just now coming out of the "fog" I've been in. Is it normal to feel SO much worse than just after his funeral? Thanksgiving was a nightmare (it was Jack's favorite holiday); the weather was so bad, my daughter and I ended up here at home, rather than risk going to my MIL's house. I am in so much pain right now...feel so alone. I am blessed to have family and friends that are still coming around and still phoning every day....but nights are becoming harder and harder. I guess I have a further complication, my only child, my daughter has been in the Navy for 2 years now...she will be deployed to the Persian Gulf in January...for at least 6 months. I feel so lost ... I wasn't lucky enough to be employed when my husband died...so I have very empty days...nothing to "build" my life around. Gosh I feel like I'm rambling, but hopefully someone will understand this. I stay busy, but then every so often I freeze and panic, when I realize Jack's gone..and is not ever, ever going to come through the door again. What I can't figure out is how I did so well last month ( going through his things, talking to the bank, insurance, etc) and this past week I've gotten so I can barely do two or three things during the day. Is it the holidays? Is it normal? I've just contacted a grief counselor in my city, but can't see her until next week. She is just getting over a virus...I know that will help. And I've been reading all your posts and I realize that this is where I need to "be" right now. Nobody else can really know how I'm (we're) feeling, can they? You are all in my thoughts and prayers tonight...and I hope to get to "know" some of you and to be able to listen and be there for each other. Take care, B.

[lauraa]

Dear Bella50,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss...I lost my husband almost 19 months now...The first couple months for your/everyone is shock and being in a fog. I went thu the same things that you described and I think all of us here have. And, of course we have so many people who are there to support us thru this awful time. For me so many were there and then after they all did a magic act and disappeared...I would say I was numb for the first 6 months and I cried alot. I think that is our way of our psychic protecting us from our devastating loss. or me it was just coming to grips that he really wasn't coming back. I'll never forget walking in the front door of our house and realizing he would never be there again. It is a long journey and you will wonder where the tears comes from and when will they eve stop....they probally never will but with each passing day and time things will change but admittedly it takes a long time so don't be hard on yourself. Try and do something nice for yourself everyday, a nap, a bath, a facial, a walk....anything. At first the days/nites were torture for me and were for some time but especially the nights be the worst then it was the days that I had to deal with...I still have a difficult time sleeping without a sleep aide but I have accepted that until I feel better...I made sleep a priority and what a difference that makes in my overall wellbeing. You have come to the right place and I hope I and everyone else can be a support and help for you...God bless you and your are in my heart.

[hurleyta]

Bella

I am so very sorry for your loss. Like you, I am only 18 days without my fiancee, James. I found him in our home. He was already dead, although at the time, I believed that he was still alive and I was going to be able to save him. I miss him so very much and am still in the "Fog" state. I come to this site every day to get help. I am also going to be going to a Bereavement class that lasts for 3 weeks. I need to do this for me. James is the Love of my Life. We had a lot going for us and thought that we would have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other. I now know and truly believe tha God took him for his work in Heaven. I didn't say that I can understand this, but I do tell myself that God has plans for us all and that James will be there waiting with open arms when God calls me home.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Trish

[bella50]

Thank you Hurleyta and Lauraa for your kind words, prayers, and sharing your own stories. For some reason this week has been especially hard, in that I feel like isolating myself from everyone...my friends only want to go out and shop and that\'s the last thing I want to do...the stores are just too MUCH of everything. I am so sorry for both of your own losses...I am here, too, to support and comfort you. I am starting to participate in a grief counseling program next week, so am anxious to see if that will help. Although from everything I've read here on the boards...only time will help, the passing of it, the living through the pain and the tears. I find that if I'm feeling especially lost or a feeling of anxiety,etc...it helps to look through albums, remember the good times, and almost FORCE myself to cry. After the tears, comes some measure of relief..at least for awhile. And light seems to help, too. I live in Michigan where the sun is rare on winter days..but when it's out, I sit in a sunny window or walk my dog and it seems to soothe me. I hope everyone is taking good care of themselves and not letting "others" tell them what to do, how to do it and when to do it. I learning quickly to build boundaries for myself and to ask for \"exactly\" what I want. You soon realize who your true friends are...the people who let you grief your own way. well, everyone take care, I\'ll be checking back frequently. regards, Bella

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm so sorry Bella & Trish..the thing is ALL OF US here know what kind of pain you are going through. it's hard in day to day life when others aren't going through the same thing. everyone greives a bit differently it seems including sisters,parents,spouses.etc. For example I know my greif isn't the same as my DH mother's or his siter. in a way it's harder and a way easier. this probably doesn't make much sense as I'm not explaining myself too well at the moment.

Michelle- where are you? hoping you are snuggled up with your new babe!

my 2yo is awake from nap so I must run.

[njgirl361]

APRIL, LAURA, MELISSA AND JOYCE.....Hi everyone....YES!!! THE BABY IS HERE!!! Jake Andrew was born on November 27th...he was only 4 lbs, 15 ozs....18 inches long..but healthy..THANK GOD! Labor was rough...emotionally of course...my sister came in the delivery room with me and it was pretty quick (3 hours)...not alot of pushing at all....I think Mark was with me and made it as easy as possible.

Now, the aftershock...it is difficult, I'm not going to lie...I wish his dad was here to see his beautiful little face...it kills me....but I am so in love with this baby...he is so special and precious...everyone is so excited about him...he will be so loved.

I hope all of you are ok.....I noticed some newcomers came on this site while I was in the hospital......I am so glad you all found this website...This is my story.....my 40 year old fiance passed away of a sudden heartache on October 1st when I was 7 months pregnant with his baby boy....I KNOW that this is the worst nightmare you can imagine...sometimes the pain is so deep....it is as though someone is ripping a sword through your body....but I have to say talking to everyone here helped me through some of my roughest moments...and I'm sure still will. Accepting my fiances death and missing him so horribly kills me everyday...but the pain sometimes feels less..and those are the moments we need to hold on to. Now I have his little boy and I will always see him through the baby's eyes....Yes, of course I cry...but I wouldn't give this baby up for the world......I hope you all find a way through this and remember our loved ones are here in spirit.....life is eternal....not physically but spiritually....I have so much to do here for me and my 4 boys...but I will look forward to seeing my love again on the otherside...until then....we all need to do our jobs here. God Bless.....baby's feeding time..I will be back soon.

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele I'm so happy to hear the baby is here! woohoo! I hope he is providing you with much comfort (as I know he is). I know how hard it can be mourning death and celebrating life at the same time and also with a newborn in general with no partner (DD was 2weeks old when DH died-she's 3mo now) it's still hard and emotional but your baby WILL help you heal a little. I think I feel alot like you do right now in the fact that I have alot of work ahead of me with my children. it seems like my only purpose in life at the moment. I'm sure you can relate.

[hurleyta]

Today I planted a tree for James. Before he had died he had dug up an area in the front of our home. We were goig to plant a palm tree in it, but he died before we had the chance. Today I planted one for him. This way I have a place to represent him. His body is now in another state, although his spirit is here with me. I wanted to do some kind of memorial in his honor and thanks to my parents I did just that.

I start my Bereavement class next week. I am very anxious, as I am having a very hard time dealing with him being gone. I don't sleep at night and feel so alone all of the time. I know that they say Time heals, but I just can't imagine that right now. At this very time, James has been gone for 3 weeks. I stil feel him here with me though. I love him so very much and can't imagine there ever being a time when he is not with me.

Prayers for you all.

Trish

[aprilmoonflower]

Trish, your tree sounds lovely! what an awesome way to honor your DH.

I have been sort of depressed the last week or so. maybe it's the holiday's? I just don't know. I'm not sleeping well and losing alot of weight. I am leary of antidepressants though..how did you ladies go about finding a therapist that specializes in grief?

[hurleyta]

April,

I went through the county hospice. Even though James was not a patient there, they sent me information and I am able to go to the class/therapist for little to no charge. I have not thought about going to a private therapist, yet. I want to give the class I registered for a chance first. I also went to my church and got information on Bereavement groups. Try those places first.

I swear that James was right there with me while I was planting the tree and dedicating it to him. I had this tingling in my hair and I felt his presense with me. I know that I am knew to this grief, but I believe in the afterlife and pray that when God calls me home, James will be waiting there for me with open arms.

Trish

[sunflowergm]

Hi, I dont even know how I came to this web site, but they say everything happens for a reason. I feel like our stories are so exact its really scary, my joe was 26 when he died although he did die because of prescriptions(mixed with a methodone pill hes so called friend got him started on) he also had heart disease and high blood pressure we found this out after I couldnt believe after all the doctors he went to they all didnt examine him to see how his body was on all the medicines. I feel doctors are worse than the drug dealers. It was so easy for him to go in the offices of all these doctors and come out with all different kins of meds. I just cant believe hes gone, my family wants me to start seeing berevement(?)therepists and move on. I dont want anyone to forget hom I feel like I need to tell people hes a good person not a junkie like everyone thinks my life is so different know sometimes I feel like giving up,I lived for that man my love for him was unconditional know matter what happened I never felt that intense for any man like i feel for Joe Its crazy I dont know what to do with myself Im falling apart Im not working my life is crumbling and I dont know how to get it back.Trish your James was so young, how are you dealing with everything I hope God is with you and your family thru out all of this horrible time in your life.

[hurleyta]

Sunflowergm,

You are right, our stories are a lot alike. James too went to a doctor, but only one doctor. This doctor prescribed Methadone to James as well, the lethal part came when along with the Methadone, James was prescribed Xanax. A very high dosage of each. He had only been on them for less than 24 hours before he died. I feel very lost as well. I am going to a Bereavement Group starting this coming Saturday. I went through the hospice down here. James, of course, wasn't in hospice, but they said that was ok. The group is free and I could go for individual counseling for little to no monies through them as well.

I know what you mean about not wanting anyone to forget Joe. But you know what I know that I will never forget James and that is the most important thing. I know that James and Joe are in still amongst us. I don't believe that Joe was a "junkie." I know that addiction is a disease, the same as any other disease. I had an addiction, when I was much younger and I fought so hard to get it together. I finally was able to. James too was a wonderful man. He left behind 4 children and a very loving family, as well as me... My family is very supportive of me and all that I am going through. I helps A LOT. I refuse to let anyone believe that James was a "junkie" he went to a doctor who never did more than took his weight and blood pressure. I wanted more information after he died, so I have been looking into Methadone and Xanax. I found out that they are not suppose to be prescribed together as per the recent number of deaths that have occured. What meds besides Methadone was Joe on??? Have you done any research on this subject??? I can tell you that doctors down here, where I live, have been being charged with Manslaughter for prescribing meds to certain patients. I tell you this, if you need me to help you get some information, I will, just let me know. If you want to talk about it more, you can e-mail me at hurleyta@sbcglobal.net. I know that I am new to the grieving process, but I also know that I have this strong erge to help you... Maybe it is because our Loves both died in such simular ways...

Any way, please let me know if you need to talk. I check my e-mails A Lot and promise to respond as soon as I am able.

Take care and remember that Joe is still with you in spirit. He loves you and wants you to go on. I know how hard it is, but believe me, I also know that James would be more upset with me if I crumbled instead of trying to keep on moving on. Just take it one step at a time.

Hugs to you,

Trish

[jlizzy]

Hi NJ Girl,

I am glad your delivery of Jake Andrew went okay and that you and he are

okay. I know that Mark was with you ,smiling from heaven and He will

be with you forever.

One step at a time is what we all have to do.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Bella,

Everything you are feeling is normal, we are all going through it.

I lost my Bob, 18 months ago; I havent worked since 2001 because of

physical problems and because I am severely claustrophobic. Yesterday,

I got a notice from Social Security that my disability has gone through.

I dont know if its worse not working or working after you lose your

partner. If you stay home you think too much; if you work, you watch

others going on with their lives. You can compare it to whether you

lose your spouse quickly or watch him suffer, like I did. Nobody can

be prepared for losing a spouse or for grieving for that spouse.

I take day by day and keep going. Now that my disability will be going

through, it will be a little bit easier because I will have settled

my financial situation. But emotionally, I dont know how much better

that will ever be.

I went to grief couselling and all the counselor kept saying is that

I have to put Bob in the memory part of my brain. I still havent

dont that. But life is a little easier. I have read my journal that

I started last year after Bob passed and I am not as bad as I was

then. The holidays are still rough, still turning the radio off with

certain songs and still cant go to some places; but I am getting

better. I guess because I know that Bob is with me and he always will

be.

You have found the right place to grieve, at least I think so, because

everyone here understands what you are going through and nobody here

will ever tell you to get on with your life.

God Bless

Joyce