I Miss Him So...

[jlizzy]

[Jenn,

I know exactly what you are going through. It is 14 months and I

still long for my husbands smell(I have a sweatshirt packed that

still has his smell and I take it out from time to time); the

touch of his hands around my waist; his georgeous eyes; his

crazy jokes; making him breakfast in bed and his doing it for me;

the conversations we had and reaching over for him before I went

to sleep at night and first thing when I woke up in the morning.

He had a indented chest and I used to call it my comfy spot.

Now he is gone for 14 months and I am like the people in

Louisana--- lost with nowhere to go. I lost my home to fraud

just before we got the cancer diagnosis and I cant even grieve

in the place we lived together. Although I drive past the house

and park in front of it whenever I go back to Jersey.

I dont know what to do; where to go. For now I am still living

with one of our sons, but I dont belong here. I dont know if

anyone can understand-- but it isnt my family. Even though

it is my son; its his family and his house; and his wife and

kids.

I am grateful that I have a place to stay, but it isnt my place.

I dont want to live alone; but I have to get my own place.

So, I understand and everyone here understands what each other

is going through. I thank God that we can all come here and

share our feelings. I know it helps me, even though I cry

when I post.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hi Evewryone....It has been almost 16 months since I lost my husband and I have been having a really tough time lately. I think our psyche protects us to a point that we can only feel so much at a time or we would be blown away. The first year I was numb and now it is really hitting me. I hope everyone here keeps writing as it helped me more than anything. Peace to everyone here who has lost their loved ones. Remember...they are right here with you!

[nancy55]

Hello, all of you dear ladies. I just got back from a trip to Memphis to see my son. I also met up with my sister and brothers. We had a wonderful time. I was so scared to go. I thought this trip would just be me--going thru the motions, and not enjoying myself. But, I really did have fun. I still missed Mike terribly. But, it has only been 10 weeks. And, I was able to get my first trip "without him" under my belt. I did fine--except the flight home. I realized when I got home--he wouldn't be there. The flight was only an hour and I cried thru half of it. Silently, hoping no one saw me. I have another trip planned in October with his sister. I do hope I do as well. It is so hard to make plans and look forward to them. But, I got a wonderful letter from my cousin. She lost her Dad about 5 years ago. She said the first two years were terrible for her. Then she realized, life is so wonderful and she couldn\'t go on wasting it. She said she realized you have to grieve. But don't let it consume you. LIVE life like never before. Death is the reality that life is too short for all of us. The hurt in our heart will never go away. But, like a wound, it will slowly heal and be less painful. Her letter really gave me inspiration. I know time heals wounds, and I know the road is long ahead of me.

But, for the first time in 10 weeks--I felt a

little happy. I had a

little fun. Mike had been sick for 19 months. Our life was always on hold ---due to illness. I feel I have a little hope for the future. I felt like I was living alittle. It was just a short 4-5 day trip. But, I felt alive again. I do pray I can continue to find that in the days, and years ahead. I miss Mike so much. I know it will be hard to go on without him. I think about him daily. I pray daily for strenght. I wish all of you peace and comfort from your heaviness in your heart. Life is so different without our loved ones. Nancy55

[nancy55]

Jlizzy, I understand. It is so hard to try and go on. Without our loved one--we feel empty and helpless. Some days I get up and I feel strong, but it only lasts a short time. Because, then I have to face the fact Mike is gone. He is gone, and never coming back. That hurts. Everyday the pain is there. It is exhausting to deal with this everyday. But, what can we do but go on. I, like you, have his clothes to smell. But, it has only been 2 months and I haven't cleaned out his closet. I don't have the energy. When I open his closet door--it hurts so much to see his things. I just pray that in the future I can deal with cleaning his closet.Right now, I just try to get thru each day without him. God bless you, Nancy

[cindylouwho2]

Hello All,

Nancy- me too.

This is my first time visiting this site. I came across it while I was doing research on funeral homes and the law.

My husband died 7 months ago. I am in possession of his cremains, and am feeling that I need to make a decision about the committal. I am also struggling with all the same issues you all are.

I browsed through some of your posts and find that I am, of course, experiencing some identical things. The closet...the clothes...the smells...the medical bills...the lonliness...the pain...the obsessions...the paralysis.

I want to listen in for a while before I spill all my details. I am at best, a fairly private person. But that posture is not very productive for me right now. Anyone who has not experienced the loss of a life partner cannot possibly, as hard as they may try, understand the pain and grief.

Everytime I string together 2 almost normal days, I have a setback. I can't believe I am not getting "better". Often it feels as if I am worse. I am so "thin-skinned" I can't believe the things that trigger tears. I did not cry for the last 40 years. Now I am making up for that.

Grocery shopping today I thought of all things that my husband enjoyed and I realized that I could not make him happy by cooking good food for him anymore. I cried for about 1/2 of the shopping trip.

I hope to make some connections here and find that just maybe I am not going crazy.

[nancy55]

Hello All,

Nancy- me too.

This is my first time visiting this site. I came across it while I was doing research on funeral homes and the law.

My husband died 7 months ago. I am in possession of his cremains, and am feeling that I need to make a decision about the committal. I am also struggling with all the same issues you all are.

I browsed through some of your posts and find that I am, of course, experiencing some identical things. The closet...the clothes...the smells...the medical bills...the lonliness...the pain...the obsessions...the paralysis.

I want to listen in for a while before I spill all my details. I am at best, a fairly private person. But that posture is not very productive for me right now. Anyone who has not experienced the loss of a life partner cannot possibly, as hard as they may try, understand the pain and grief.

Everytime I string together 2 almost normal days, I have a setback. I can\'t believe I am not getting \"better\". Often it feels as if I am worse. I am so \"thin-skinned\" I can\'t believe the things that trigger tears. I did not cry for the last 40 years. Now I am making up for that.

Grocery shopping today I thought of all things that my husband enjoyed and I realized that I could not make him happy by cooking good food for him anymore. I cried for about 1/2 of the shopping trip.

I hope to make some connections here and find that just maybe I am not going crazy.

Cindy, I know how you feel. It is hard. It has only been 10 weeks for me, and it kills me to think i am just in the beginning of this journey. I, too, think i am a private person--but this site is so easy to write my feelings down. I feel everyone here really truly knows how much I hurt. It doesn\'t take much some days to bring to tears to my eyes, somedays I do better than others. Hang in there, God bless you, and please write again. I am listening, Nancy55

[heartache111]

hi I just got an e-mail from a lady that is 33 years old , lost her husband in may , like me , i would like to talk to her , i don't no how to do it , so please e- mail me . smilingann711@aol.com

[heartache111]

What do I click on to talk to some one else?

Click on the quote button contained in the individual's box whose posting you want to reply to.

I'm sending you the biggest hug I can across the internet so you'll hopefully feel some comfort in knowing we're all here for you. My heart was so saddened reading about your husband. But I'm so very glad your husband got to tell you he loved you. Gayle

[jlizzy]

Laura,

I totally understand what you are going through. Sometimes I think

that I am okay and then something reminds me of Bob and I am back

to where I started. This past 14 months was hard for me; I dont

know how I got to today. There has been a lot of crying over the

past 14 months but lately it seems that I cry even more than I did

before. When a special song plays, I cry harder and longer than I

did before. I guess that I was just crying all the time that I didnt

notice.

Yesterday was our youngest sons 30th Birthday. I think it was harder

for me than for our son. He has gone into somewhat of a shell for

the past 14 months and he is just starting to talk about his Dad.

But when he does, it feels strange to me. It's definitely not like

he used to.

It feels like it is getting harder, but at the same time, some

things are getting easier. I am finally going to go to the bank

and take Bobs name off of our checking account. That to me is as

final as it gets and although I have tried to do this before, I

think Imight be ready.I'll see.

Hang in there everyone; God only gives us what we can take and

even though I have had times during the past 14 months when I have

felt that I cant take anymore I come through and you all will to.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

My kids still won't talk about their feeling of the loss of their dad....we talk about him but they won't talk about their feelings/there dad walked on water to them....I know how you feel and I worry about them because I know you can run but you cannot hide...I guess it will take a major life even such as having a child of their own to bring the emotions up for them....I do worry! And I really don't know how they have coped but they are doing better than I could ever have hoped. If you are anything like me I am sure you worked overtime to make it all o.k. for them. I think of you often and know your not alone. We lost everything and everything has changed. I cry everyday for so many different reason and sometimes many different emotions combined. Write me anytime....

[jlizzy]

Laura,

My youngest son, Joe, thought that his dad was invincible; even

when he saw his horrible condition in the hospital in NJ (his body

turning gray and the pain he was going through) he still refused

to believe that his dad could pass away. There was no way of

getting through to him then and now, 14 months later, there is

no way of getting Joe to let his feelings out. My husband taught

the boys that men dont cry and they didnt. I am really worried

about Joe and his brother because they are holding in their

feelings and I know they are. I am doing everything I can to

get them to open up; but I have given up-- it has to be in their

own time. They both have wrapped their lives around their

children, as I have.

The tears come at such incovenient times: in the store, while I

am driving, etc. I cant stop them. The only thing I can do is

to let them flow from my eyes and wipe them away. Sometimes I

wonder what people are thinking when they see me crying; although

I dont really care.

I am so empty inside, I am always looking for my husband even

though I know that I will never see him here again.

My grandchildren are okay, a couple of them have had to have

counseling. I talk to them about my husband and they talk to

me about him also.

You and I have to pray for our children and ask God and our

husbands to watch over them and help them through this loss.

Its horrible and I would give anything to be able to go back,

just for a little while. But of course, you have had those

feelings too, I am sure.

I am now listening to the tape my husband left me; just to hear

his voice. But the song, Turn Around Look At Me, wont get out

of my head. And every time I start hearing it, I feel my

husbands presence. So I know he is here with me and is watching

over me. It's just not the same and never will be.

I think about you also and you and your family are in my prayers,

as is everyone on this site.

You are the strong one on this site and I am so grateful that

you are. For you have helped me when I was down and if I can

ever help you, just let me know. I am not on all the time,

but my private email is: fales46@hotmail.com

email me anytime.

Hang in there, the kids will be okay. Your husband is looking

over you and them.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

I know that nobody is on right now, but I just have to talk.

I dont know why, but I feel so bad tonight. I cant stop crying

and I feel so lost. I just want this to stop. Why doesnt it stop.

When is it going to stop.

Right now all I know is that I dont have anyone to talk to and

that seems to be the worst thing of this whole mourning stuff.

I miss Bob so much that it hurts so bad and tonight it just

seems as though its getting worse.

I pray every night and I talk to Bob every night but it doesnt

seem to help. 14 months and I feel as though I just lost him.

Living like I am doesnt help either. My son is great, but

my daughter-in-law watches everything I do and dont do and

tells my son every move I make. I dont dare cry out loud

because she will go running to my son and he's away in

Ohio right now on a job and I dont want him bothered. He has

enough on his mind.

I mentioned to my son that if I get my SSD in November that

I want to get my own place and he is very upset about it.

He is very protective since his Dad passed away last year.

He just wants me close to him, but my daughter in law and

I dont get along; we never have. I havent quite figured out

why I was left here living with them, I cant see any reason

for God to leave me here. I just keep asking Why and I cant

find an answer. It's not my home and I am not part of this

family. If Bob were here, I could find out what to do; but

he isnt and I am completely lost.

Well, friends of mine are supposed to come up next Saturday

for the holistic fair and that will be a good day. They talk

to me about Bob all the time and they are the only ones who

will listen to me. I hope the high price of gas doesnt stop

them from coming.

I am not used to living alone; but I feel that I would be

better off if I did. I am not a loner, I hate going places

by myself and therefore, I dont go.

Hopefully I can get some answers at the holistic fair because

God knows that I need to get some answers. Right now, I cant

even look at Bobs picture without crying and longing for him

even more. Am I going crazy? Because I feel like I am.

I cant see right now, so I am going to go and cry it out softly.

Although I think I need to really cry it out loud and get it

over with. Well, maybe down the road somewhere.

God Bless Everyone

Joyce

[withani]

Jlizzy....I know how you feel about not having your privacy. My role is actually reversed from yours because my daughter and her husband and baby moved in a year and a half ago to save some money...then my beloved Gary passed 9 months ago and all my crying I had to do mostly behind closed doors. There were many times that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but because of my children and the baby I couldn't so something that helped me and maybe it might help you but it'll sound strange. When I'd get in the bathtub I'd go under water and scream...sounds silly but it has helped. Two weeks ago my daughter..her husband and baby got their own place..fortunately I still have my 17 year old son at home but he's only here half the week and the other half with his father which leaves me totally alone the other half of the week. I've got friends and see them but I am dreading the holidays...especially Halloween...Gary and I always dressed up and went out for the past 11 years and just seeing the decorations starting to come out in the stores is freaking me out.

Take care Jlizzy...you're not alone...hugs...Cindi

[lauraa]

Hey Joyce and everyone,

I feel the same way you guys do....I just don't know where the tears come from.....I know what you all are feeling. Even though I have 3 teenagers that are all hormonal and driving me nuts I feel so alone. I lost my best friend and everyday I tell myself I will never see him again on this earth...it really pisses me off! I can't fix it! He was injured, got sick and passed away....what a blow....and life goes on when I feel my entire world got shot down the toilet after a lifetime of working our fingers to the bones....I'll never understand until I pass I guess....Joyce I will email you soon. I started a job Fri. and my kids are all playing sports so I am on the go....I think of you often....I hope your friends do come next weekend and you get to go to the fair...get a reading if you can....it has helped me more than I can say......our husband live on.....Bless you guys!

[computermemaw2]

Joyce, if you'll email me at computermemaw2@aol.com I'll send you my home number and you can call me anytime you need to talk or just let it all hang out. If you need to talk during the weekday, I'll even give you my work number. And anytime at night is fine too--I'm usually up anyways. My daughter and granddaughter moved in with me a month ago and, while they're great company, I, too, now have to do my crying in private, in the bathroom or when I'm sewing and they're in bed. This grieving process sucks big time! But I also know how great the need is to be able to talk to someone about your loved one. I've quit trying to do that around here because the folks just seem to want to change the subject. I don't think they realize I need to talk about my husband. I'm here for you--and anyone else in this group, for that matter. Gayle

[qbee817]

I am new to the site. I lost my loved one 15 months ago. I am functioning better than I was a year ago, six months ago. But I miss him so every day and night. I think of him all of the time. I am so SICK of people telling me to "move on". I do the normal day to day things I did when he was alive...so what is "moving on"??? Yes, I am still grieving and probably always will. His death was sudden. We were watching TV, had a seizure and within a few minutes he was dead. He grabbed me right before he went into the seizure and I could see the fear in his eyes. When he became unconsious after the 1st seizure (he had no history of seizures) somehow I got him on the floor and called 911. I held him and he had another seizure. I was holding his head and fluid came out of his mouth into my hand. I could see then his lips were turning blue and he stopped breathing. I called 911 again and started CPR. As I was breathing air into his lungs I could hear and feel the "death gurgle". I was devestated if that even fits how I have felt since that day.

Yes I am better. I'm not sobbing everyday and I have had the support of our friends. But I still grieve and miss him horribly. So..can someone tell me what "moving on" is and do you sick of hearing it too?

Thanks for letting me unload, I've been down lately and really need to vent to other's who will understand.

[qbee817]

I am new to the site. I lost my loved one 15 months ago. I am functioning better than I was a year ago, six months ago. But I miss him so every day and night. I think of him all of the time. I am so SICK of people telling me to "move on". I do the normal day to day things I did when he was alive...so what is "moving on"??? Yes, I am still grieving and probably always will. His death was sudden. We were watching TV, had a seizure and within a few minutes he was dead. He grabbed me right before he went into the seizure and I could see the fear in his eyes. When he became unconsious after the 1st seizure (he had no history of seizures) somehow I got him on the floor and called 911. I held him and he had another seizure. I was holding his head and fluid came out of his mouth into my hand. I could see then his lips were turning blue and he stopped breathing. I called 911 again and started CPR. As I was breathing air into his lungs I could hear and feel the "death gurgle". I was devestated if that even fits how I have felt since that day.

Yes I am better. I'm not sobbing everyday and I have had the support of our friends. But I still grieve and miss him horribly. So..can someone tell me what "moving on" is and do you sick of hearing it too?

Thanks for letting me unload, I've been down lately and really need to vent to other's who will understand.

[nancy55]

Qbee817, I am glad you came to this site. It does give me strenght to deal with this awful experience of death. It has only been 11 weeks for me, but it seems like forever and I miss him so.I have talked to women who have 2 years behind them, and are still grieving. I don't think there ever is a proper time to be done, if you ever can "be done" with grief. Moving on is something we do everyday, don't we? We move on to get out of bed daily and try to lead as normal of a life as we can--without our spouse. We move on by going to social events, and family functions as a single person--instead of a union that we shared with our spouse. We move on by doing all the little everyday things, like getting gas, taking out the garbage,etc--that our spouses used to take care of for us. So, if I'm not mistaken--we are moving on!! So let people know you are moving on--and have since the day you lost him--because we have no choice. We have to keep going and moving on. You are doing great. How can you not miss him and think about him--when it's only been 15 months. And he was the most important person in your life. He was your soulmate. It is such a shock to watch our loved ones die. And that nightmare tears at our hearts. Hang in there and God bless, Nancy55

[nancy55]

Jlizzy, it is very hard for other people to know th enormous amount of pain the death of a spouse causes. You are not crazy. My children are all grown and maried, my youngest is 23 and is a pilot. He flys home every other weekend to check to see how I'm doing. But, I do enjoy my quiet nites after work. I can cry, talk to Mike(my deceased husband) and pray. Solitude can be a benefit at times. Hang in there, and god bless,Nancy

[qbee817]

Hi Nancy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. 11 weeks is so recent and I would imagine your pain is very raw now. I am so sorry that you're in this pain.

Thanks for replying to my post. I feel too that I'm moving on. As you said, we do our day to day things..what else are we supposed to do? I think some people think we're supposed to jump into a relationship to get thru our grief. That's the LAST thing I want. I'm not saying I will never date again (he would want me to) but I don't want that now or anytime soon. I'm just not interested, plain and simple. The man I loved and adored died in my arms and I long for him to be back. He was my best friend and the only person I could always count on. Have you gone to a support group? It helped me alot. I haven't been for awhile but I think I need to go back again.

Again, I'm sorry for and I know your pain.

qbee

[heartbroken1954]

Matthew took his own life on July 15, 2005, After 15 years together (back and forth), it was the most horrible shock in my life. We met in 1990 and he was the love of my life, through the good times and bad. I miss him so much. I feel so guilty.

Matthew - Dec. 10, 1962-July 15, 2005.

You always had my heart. You are the love of my life.

Karen, Chicago

[heartbroken1954]

I am new to the site. I lost my loved one 15 months ago. I am functioning better than I was a year ago, six months ago. But I miss him so every day and night. I think of him all of the time. I am so SICK of people telling me to "move on". I do the normal day to day things I did when he was alive...so what is "moving on"??? Yes, I am still grieving and probably always will. His death was sudden. We were watching TV, had a seizure and within a few minutes he was dead. He grabbed me right before he went into the seizure and I could see the fear in his eyes. When he became unconsious after the 1st seizure (he had no history of seizures) somehow I got him on the floor and called 911. I held him and he had another seizure. I was holding his head and fluid came out of his mouth into my hand. I could see then his lips were turning blue and he stopped breathing. I called 911 again and started CPR. As I was breathing air into his lungs I could hear and feel the "death gurgle". I was devestated if that even fits how I have felt since that day.

Yes I am better. I'm not sobbing everyday and I have had the support of our friends. But I still grieve and miss him horribly. So..can someone tell me what "moving on" is and do you sick of hearing it too?

Thanks for letting me unload, I've been down lately and really need to vent to other's who will understand.

I so understand U. If one more person tells me to move on, I will scream. Do they know what we are going through? Take care and God Bless.

Karen, Chicagp

[withani]

Heartbroken1954/Karen...I am so sorry to hear of your loss...it's been 9 mos here for me since I lost the love of my life. Our relationship was very intense and he loved me the best he could...we met in 1993.. so I do understand the type of guilt that you feel but believe me there was NOTHING you could have done. Matthew knew he always had your heart...I know it's hard but trust in that and be good to yourself. God bless you...hugs...Cindi

[sonnygirl]

Hi,

I need answers.Help!My husband passed on july 16,2005.He has been with me in spirit since.I see him all day(his spirit)Fog like,lil circles,swiglys& etc.He talks to me threw songs and different ways.It is amazing.Although I am in denial I talk to him all day long.I ask him not to leave me.Am I being selfish?My sister told me he spoke threw her this week with a song.She pulled the lyrics and brought it to me.It was Crystal Ball by styx.If anybody knows this song the song is about me telling me to let him go.Like he is lost (that is what my sister thinks).Either he doesnt want to leave me,or I am begging him not too.And of course none of this is scriptual in the bible..But,I know what has happened to me since he has passed.I have read different books on afterlife.Can he be uhappy staying with me?Worried about me are should he be in heaven?Or is he in Heaven and still able to be with me?He was saved and gave his life to GOD before he died ,so I know he is sopposed to be in heaven.Any feedback?

[nancy55]

Hi Nancy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. 11 weeks is so recent and I would imagine your pain is very raw now. I am so sorry that you\'re in this pain.

Thanks for replying to my post. I feel too that I\'m moving on. As you said, we do our day to day things..what else are we supposed to do? I think some people think we\'re supposed to jump into a relationship to get thru our grief. That\'s the LAST thing I want. I\'m not saying I will never date again (he would want me to) but I don\'t want that now or anytime soon. I\'m just not interested, plain and simple. The man I loved and adored died in my arms and I long for him to be back. He was my best friend and the only person I could always count on. Have you gone to a support group? It helped me alot. I haven\'t been for awhile but I think I need to go back again.

Again, I\'m sorry for and I know your pain.

qbee

Qbee, Hello, I hope I find you doing o.k. I do go to a support group. Just started, as a matter of fact. I have been twice and plan on contining. I am going to Gilda\'s Club. I\'m sure you probably have heard of it. It is for cancer patient\'s family members. I do cry alot there, as others do as well. But, I feel maybe that is less I am crying around my children. I don\'t want to constantly burden them. I, like you, have no interest in dating. The man of my dreams is gone. No one can replace him. Hang in there and god bless you, Nancy

[jlizzy]

Cindy, Gayle, Laura and All,

Thank you, I appreciate all of your support. I had a reading

in May and it was right on. I hope to get another one this

weekend. Someone I know went to a seance, anyone ever gone to

one? I am thinking about it.

I always feel better when I post here and you answer. We are

all in the same boat, just floating along with whatever life

brings us.

I go to see a lawyer tomorrow afternoon about the wrong

diagnosis of my husband and the poor treatment he got in the

hospital in NJ. I guess he will tell me if we have a good

enough case for him to take. Everyone I talk to says it is

definitely malpractice. I just feel that I have to do

something to get the doctors to realize they cant just treat

sick people this way, especially when we put our trust in them.

they let us down BIG TIME.

Well, got to try to get a good nights sleep.

God Bless You All

JOyce

[computermemaw2]

Hi,

I need answers.I see him all day(his spirit)Fog like,lil circles,swiglys& etc.He talks to me threw songs and different ways.It Can he be uhappy staying with me?Worried about me are should he be in heaven?Or is he in Heaven and still able to be with me?He was saved and gave his life to GOD before he died ,so I know he is sopposed to be in heaven.Any feedback?

Sonnygirl, a medium I've talked to twice has told me that our loves ones will stay with us as long as they feel they need to in order to support us and help us get through our grief. Then, they begin to move on. I was told our loved ones still can talk to us, come visit and be with us, but that it won't be as many times as it was as in the beginning. That they move on to higher levels as they begin their work journey through heaven. I'm so very jealous that you and others have had visits from your loved ones. It's been 21 months and I haven't even had any dreams of my husband--not even to re-live the day he died in front of me. You'd think I'd re-live those moments in my dreams wouldn't you? Maybe I'm still hurting too much. The medium has told me my husband is still around me, still watching over me and trying to guide me, still reaches out to hold me and give me a kiss, and to be there to give me strength. I cling to those thoughts with all my heart, trying to believe in them and to get comfort from them. The medium also told me that we don't hold our loved ones back. I've read a number of books on the afterlife, and every one of them has said when you're in spirit you can be in many places at the same time; that when we need our loved ones, all we have to do is talk to them and they'll be there, that they hear us talking to them. I don't think you're selfish wanting your husband with you and asking him not to leave you--I've done the same thing myself. I'm sure your husband is a good man and his spirit lives on in heaven. And as for him being unhappy--from everything I've read, there is no unhappiness in heaven, only complete love and joy. That still kinda makes me mad a little because I'm so miserable here without my husband and miss him so terribly, I'd like to think he misses me too. When my husband came through when my reading, the medium told he he kept hearing the song "Miss you like crazy", so I cling to the hope that my husband does miss me, but I'm trying very hard to remember that I love my husband so much that I need for him to be happy and well, because if I thought he wasn't I couldn't go on. I think you're feeling and thinking all the thoughts we've all had and still have at one time or other. You're normal, even though you feel you're going crazy at times. And if it makes you happy talking to your husband during the day, then you do it--I do. There are many times that something will happen or I'll drive by something new being built and I'll comment to my husband "would you look at that" or "Eddy, you just wouldn't believe the changes that have gone on around here since you've been away." It's only natural that you still want to share your day with your husband. You just keep on doing whatever makes you feel good and able to get through these times. Gayle

[honeybuny]

Five and a half years ago my husband passed away and a few months later our yellow lab followed him to heaven. Last year I went to an energy healer who told me my husband had "strings" holding me to him from up in heaven. That our yellow lab was sitting at his feet saying, daddy I'm here too. She supposedly helped to ease my husband back into heaven with our dog. And nothing at first. A few weeks later I suddenly felt peace within me. My husband and our dog didn't leave me, they will never leave me but I wanted my husband to go on and do what he needed to do in heaven with our dog. I didn't want to hold him back. Now I had never meet this energy healer before and she told me I now have a black dog (yes I do, to keep company for our chocolate lab I rescued a border collie from a shelter). That the black dog has so many of the personality traits our yellow has. Oh my yes, so many things-even down to carrying two toys in his mouth at once. And that our yellow was telling the black to make mommy laugh this is what you need to do. Sure, this sounds crazy but I truly believe her. My black dog really has so many personality traits of our yellow.

The past few months it seems that my chocolate lab is suffering from separation anxiety which baffled me at first because she's 9 years old and I have worked. What I think it is, I finally moved back to where my husband and I grew up because I was ready to face the memories but the memories are very strong. I think she is feeling this and I think she is missing her daddy and her brother. But her anxiety concerns me and so I keep telling her daddy and her brother are happy now and that mommy will take good care of her. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

Today is one of those bad days for me...I feel so depressed! I must admit I have been in the house all week as my son broke his collar bone and now the rain...I think it is making me feel trapped and down. I just want to go close myself in the closet and cry and scream my head off...Has anyone ever felt that way! Yes, and I have done it before myself. I have days I just miss my husband so badly it hurts. I just don't love life like I once did...I guess that is depression and I guess it is par for the course, huh...it sucks! Sometimes, it feels like all my emotions are stuck in my throat in one big lump. I ask myself how the hell am I ever going to get over this loss and move on.....I know how you all are feeling and I know the loneliness....keep writing and hopefully we can lift each other.

[withani]

Laura...sorry to hear you are having such a bad day...as we know..some days are like that. I can't imagine ever moving on...the closest I've been able to come has been auto pilot mode because of the things I need to do to keep a roof over my head and my children not worried about me. You are in my thoughts and prayers...hang in there girlfriend! Hugs...Cindi

[computermemaw2]

I haven't found that it's gotten any easier or any less lonely. I just do what I have to do to get through each day. I still can't believe he's gone. I still have my moments at work when I'll look at his picture on the wall by my desk and all of a sudden tears will swell up in my eyes and I've got to grab the xanex. I don't want my husband gone, and this sucks! It about kills me just to walk into Wal-Mart and walk past the men's section. I find I go out of my way to NOT go in the entrance that will take me that way. I pray, I beg, I read the bible, and have almost filled my house with afterlife books. Even now, I'm waiting to receive meditation CD and tapes from James Praaugh so I can get myself to center more. This isn't a life. I don't have any interest in anything any more. I'm working on a project now getting ready for a craft show the second weekend in November, and I'm no where near having the amount of stuff I need to justify paying $700 to enter the show. And you know what? I don't care. That's really sad. I talk to my husband every day - saying good morning to him, talking to him as I drive to work letting him know my thoughts and feelings. I must ask myself a dozen times during the day "how the hell am I going to make it through this?" and I still don't have a clue. Coming home after work is still so hard to do. I remember he's not going to be there and my heart breaks all over again. I've become completely disorganized at home and, to tell you the truth, it's starting to get on my nerves. My daughter separated from her husband a month ago and she and my granddaughter moved in with me. While I'm thankful we're all getting along and not getting on each other's nerves, I'm having to hide my feelings and wait until I'm alone to let my tears out, and truthfully, all I want to do is just climb in the bed, pull up the covers, and have the world just go away. Obviously, I'm having a horrible day. I've started going back to church with a girlfriend, but even that doesn't do anything for me. I find myself noticing all the couples together and remembering I'm no longer a couple. And next income tax time I get to file single, when I'm still married. I'm a widow, not single by choice, and that really pisses me off that I'm going to have to check the single box. Stupid huh? I need to sign off now--I'm depressing myself more. Gayle

[lauraa]

Gayle,

It has been 16 months for me and I feel exactly like everything you have said.......I really don't know either what it will take to pull me from this. I just go thru the motions. I really think with grieving that the anger stage is the most crucial to get thru....We're angry at so many things and so many levels...For me I think I am completely stuck because I am angry at god....I can't go to church and have a very difficult time praying to god...which is a contrast for me as I always kept close to god with everything in my life...I am just so pissed off! Why would god "allow" this to happen?????? Why???? That is where I am. Can anybody help me with that? I do pray but it is just out there.........Do you all understand. I am depressed too and try everyday to keep myself from falling into the dulldrums for my kids.....I fake it too just so they don't get down.

[nancy55]

HELLO TO ALL, THIS WEEKEND I HAVE HAD 2 PEOPLE SAY PROFOUND WORDS TO ME. MY SON "MOM, I WAS READY FOR MIKE(HIS STEPDAD) TO DIE, AS ILL AS HE WAS. I STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE AT THE FUNERAL,ETC. BUT, I HAVEN'T PREPARED MYSELF FOR LIFE WITHOUT MIKE" I DO SO MUCH KNOW WHAT HE MEANS. IT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS HOW LIFE FEELS FOR ME.

A LADY I MET THE OTHER DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME,(FROM NEW ORLEANS AND CAME NORTH TO ESCAPE THE HURRICAINE)SAID TO ME "I'M SURE WITH YOU JUST LOSING YOUR HUSBAND, DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE JUST WANDERING THRU LIFE NOW?"

MY GOD, YES THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING--WANDERING---LOOKING FOR MIKE. AND I KNOW I WON'T FIND HIM--BUT I CONTINUE TO WANDER....

NANCY

[jlizzy]

Laura, Gayle Cindy,

I too have had those bad days and I am still not able to go to church.

My husbands ashes are in a special can on my dresser along with his picture,

the pictures of our sons, our grandchildren, his sister and her family and

of course of us together. I light a candle every day for him. I know he is

at peace and can walk without pain; but it doesnt really help.

I went to the holistic fair today with friends; my husbands holistic healer

was there and she saw me and came up to me. In May, I was looking for her;

but today I wasnt thinking of her and she saw me and came up to me. The

last time I saw her was two days after my husband passed away; at that time,

hospice hadnt told her of his passing. She stood by the bed he passed away

in, looked at me and said,"He is right over your left shoulder, dressed in

black with his cowboy boots and hat on. And he is laughing." Then I didnt

understand why he was laughing until a few days later; He had told me he

would find a way to let me know he was okay. Today was the first time I had

seen his holistic healer and got the chance to tell her this.

I went to the fair today for a sea salt lamp; I didnt get any feeling that

I should get a reading (of course, I did check with the physic I went to

in May--but he was too booked up) I said to my friend, "I wasnt supposed

to get a reading today, I am here for another reason." That reason was to

see his holistic healer and thank her for helping as much as she could and

to let her know that I knew why he was laughing. Today I knew that my

husband was with me.

I know how hard each day is for you; what has helped me is writing my

journal and the only way I can pray is to talk to my husband. When I talk

to him, I get a calm feeling; and I know he is listening to me.

We all have to remember that our husband/wives are still with us and will

never leave us. That they are waiting for us to join them. They are feeling

our sorrow and are there to help us through. I look at my sons and

my grandchildren and I see my husband in them and I thank him for leaving

me his legacy.

God knows that we are having a problem praying and he isnt holding it

against us; so take your time, you will be able to pray again.

I had a good day today and I enjoyed it and for the first time in

14 months, I didnt feel guilty. But even so, I know my grieving isnt

over and I am going to have bad days on and off. But I have comfort in

knowing that all of you are here to help me. Giving of oneself and

helping others is a good feeling.

Thank you all

God bless You All

Joyce

[withani]

Jlizzy....I have found keeping a journal helps me as well...half the time I don't know what I'm going to write but I but a pen in hand and 4 or 5 pages later I realize I had a lot to say. It will be interesting to read over our journals a few years from now. I know what you mean about praying to your husband....it just seems natural to do so...and you're right..I think God understands.

I'm happy you were able to have a good day...(((HUGS))) Withani/Cindi

[anjizyrone]

I dont exactly know where to start. My life has been on pause since I lost my fiancee suddenly almost a month ago. I have come to the realization although it hurts that he is gone, but I am still unable to function on my own. I feel like I am letting down our kids. I cant be strong for them. I feel an emptiness and weakness. I am scared to live these long years I am only 24, alone without him. I love to sleep because on those good nights he comes to me in my dreams. I know everyone says it will be better, but how. Everyone goes on with their lives and me I still know that he is gone and my life is changed for the worst. We had just got back from Cancun and had only been back 3 days. Our life together was short, I feel so robbed...

[jlizzy]

Anjizyrone,

I am sorry you lost your fiance. There is no time limit on mouring; we all

handle it the best we can and at our own pace. It has been almost 15 months

for me and I am still walking around in my own world, my heart has been

broken and cant be repaired. But you are in the right place, for we all

understand what you are going through and everyone here supports each other.

If it wasnt for this site, I dont know what I would have done. I have

gained a lot of strengh here, just knowing that I am not alone. Knowing

that what I am going through is normal.

Hang in there

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hello all,

Just wanted to take a minute to write and let you all know I think about all of you daily and it helps me to know I am not alone with my grieving. I am sorry you all have to go thru this hell! I am low on energy but have had alot of stuff going on this summer on top of grieving so I know it is normal.....Joyce, I hope you are o.k. and getting thru your days better. I am at a point where it is even hard to read alot. I just go thru the motions of getting thru the day....which I hate but I am trying to find meaning after loosing my husband which was "my everything".....he is on my mind 24/7. I am lost in this world without him. Twenty eight years together.....how do ya get over that and go on with meaning....It wasn't a divorce that I wanted to end...he was a man I wanted to live every minute with......Still searching!

[jlizzy]

Hi Laura,

I too am lost, I had 34 years with my husband and I just wish I could've had

another 34 yrs. I agree, this is so very hard and there just isnt any reasoning

to be found anywhere. I actually find myself looking for him when I go to the

store or I turn to talk to him and he isnt there. I dont feel as though this

is ever going to end. I take one day at a time and every time one of our

friends comes to see me, I cry when they leave. I can only hope that I get

my disability in November and I can find a place of my own. I cant stay here

with my son because it is too hard. I keep seeing my husband in my son and,

although I have never really lived alone; it has to be better than this.

I love my son and I am grateful that he takes after his Dad in so many ways,

I just cant see him every day and night like this. Does this make sense?

Some of my husbands ashes are in a locket around my neck and I havent taken

if off since I got it (about 3 weeks after he passed). I dont know why, but

it makes me feel a little better having part of him with me.

I am trying to find my place now that I am on my own, but this is so hard.

I dont really want to be here without him; but I have to wait until God

sends for me. So what do I do in the meantime? I dont know yet. But I am

trying to find out. I have days where I just dont want to get up and moving,

I dont want to continue; and I get up because I know it isnt my time yet.

We were left here for a reason, I just have to find mine. A physic told me

that I can take whatever is dished out to me and survive and I told her

that is true because I lost my husband and I am surviving.

Take care and remember: one day at a time. that's all we can do.

God Be With You and Yours

Joyce

[computermemaw2]

Here's a poem I found on one of the grief sites I go to. Maybe it'll help:

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.

I told you I wouldn't leave.

My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.

I still love you.

Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.

I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~

these are the places I stay with you.

My spirit rises every time you pray for me,

but my energy comes closer to you.

Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard,

the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,

I place our memories for you to see.

We lived in our special way,

a way that now has its focus changed.

I still crave your understanding

and long for the many words of prayer

and good fortune for my soul.

I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,

I watch silently.

Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world

to make you notice me.

Impressed by your grief,

I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.

You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.

My soul is now healthy.

Your love sends me new found energy.

I am adjusting to this new world.

I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.

I am with you wherever you go.

I protect you,

just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.

Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.

Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.

Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.

I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.

This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.

My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had

when we were together in the physical sense.

You owe this to me, but more importantly,

you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.

I am with you because I love you

and I am in the Light.

-- Author Unknown

Gayle

[lauraa]

Gayle,

Wow! I am crying! Thank you for that beautiful poem.....it is what I feel in my heart....it's just so hard not being physically with them as I am sure you know....I will copy it and put it where I can read it often as I am sure I will gain strength each and every time I do.....

[lauraa]

Joyce,

I feel just like you do. I miss my husband more with each passing day. I feel like it is a slow form of torture! Why did god put us together and then take it away? We did have what most only long for so that makes me feel worse. Every single day I tell myself he is gone and I won't ever see him again just to try and accept it....I hate it! It is all so surreal to me and it has been 16 months. I have kids so I must go on but it takes every ounce of energy that I have.....Last week at our local book store, they had a new age day and a woman did chinese healing work and turns out she was also a medium told me things that validated things to me once again...she did not know me at all.....The poem that Gayle sent is beautiful and I think it is how you feel, too! Take one day at a time and things will work out for us one way or another. I have so many people who just aren't there for me like they once were??? I guess that events have changed me, too...Cause I just don't feel the same about life like I once did....it takes alot for me to get up for anything and I fake it "good" for my kids....Is this grieving? Will it ever get better? Will love fill my heart again? I don't know! And, there aren't many things I care about or get upset about anymore...does that make sense???? Only my kids! I'm down on the medical "industry" cause that is what it is...The legal system is a joke....I'll stop there....before I get to negative because believe it or not I'm not a negative person...just learned the truth about alot of peeople and things...guess I was living in dream world before....You take care and know I think of you often.

[qbee817]

I loved the poem, it is beautiful. I don't always post as sometimes my posts seem to ramble on and on but I do read the messages and they help me feel not so alone in my feelings.

qbee

[withani]

Gayle...the poem you posted is so beautiful...thank you for posting I know it means a lot to all of us lost souls trying to make a way...thanks...Withani/Cindi

[jlizzy]

First I have to Say, Gayle, that poem made me cry. It was so beautiful and

exactly how I want to feel about my husband.I want to feel his presence

like I did when he first passed away 15 months ago today. I just cant feel

him right now. I guess we go in stages through this grief process that we

all hate.

Laura,

Yes, this is the terrible grief process that we are going through. 15 months

today at 9:30 PM. Every month at the time my Bob passed, I go to his

1961 buick in the driveway and hope to feel his presence. I know that

physical belongings dont matter, but I can remember the Christmas Eve that

I gave him the car and how he cried (he never cried) he was so shocked

I dont ever want love in my life again, I am going to be 60 yrs old in

March and I just couldnt imagine another man in my life. I used to tease

my husband that if he went before I did, I couldnt train another man.

But it isnt a matter of training another man, I just dont want another one.

I had a dream the other night; I dont remember what it was about, but I

woke up at about 5 AM crying, The tears were just streaming down my face.

I hate not being able to remember my dreams. I think I am going to try

to learn how to reach those who passed. They say you can do it through

meditation. Anyone every tried???

Well, got to go to the store. I hate going there but I need a few things

so I have to go.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

It's 15 months today and I have to ramble, I'm sorry. I just am so upset today

I just keep crying and crying. What am I to do without Bob, I am so lost and

unhappy. Nothing seems to help today. I just keep thinking about the years

we had together and how we planned to walk on the beach holding hands when we retired and how Bob used to tease me by saying, "We would look like a couple

of teenagers. But that isnt going to happen and we arent going to tour the

US in our RV either. All those plans gone. I cant plan for th future now,

there is no future, I am alone and I hate it. Nobody to listen to me, hold

me. Why??????? Why?????

If I planned this as my life, I did a lousy job.

We were never married in a church, we were married on our lunch hour by a

judge. Bob always wanted to be married in the church and we just never got

around to it. I wonder if this is why I cant go into a church since he

passed.

All the unanswered questions. I guess today is one of those downs that

everyone talks about. They say that there ae ups and downs to this grieving.

I've read so many books and nothing seems to help. I guess I had better go

write in my journal.

God Bless

Thanks for listening.

Joyce

[withani]

Jlizzy...I can relate to what you're feeling my friend. The feeling of no hope for the future...and the plans you had upon retirement that just disappear leaving you with the "what do I do now feeling"!!! Gary and I always wanted to build a log home and I thought how cool it would be to be retired and hang out all day everyday. It's been almost 10 months here and with my youngest son as a senior in high school and recently purchased a car I have more and more time that we could have been spending together. Instead of me always rushing off to work. Part of what is helping me right now is that I made a major career move into working with special needs children. The love that I feel from those children everyday is being my guiding light.........to wherever that may lead...

God bless you...((hugs)) Withani

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi. I'm new here. my DH died just a little over a month ago (Aug 25) suddenly at the age of 32. this was just 2 weeks after the birth of our daughter. (we also have a son who is 18 months) he was driving our car at the time and was in a one vehicle accident about a minute from our home, though the police have said that was not the cause of his death. we are waiting for autopsy/toxocology and crime scene reconstruction to figure out what happened. I was told it might be 10-14 more weeks until we find out. I am suspecting a heart attack from what little info. I have so far but still don't know for sure. it has been incredibly hard. I am just looking for support as I am still in shock. we have been together for 8 years (living together) and married for almost 3. last week would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary and DH 33rd bday. it's been so hard and I feel so alone. especially with the daunting task of raising my kids alone. he was my soulmate and I miss him so much. I feel like I'm living in slow motion now. everyone tells me how sorry they are but I am just empty as nobody I know REALLY understands what I'm going through. anyway I found this message board looking for grief support online as I live in a rural area and there are no groups that I know of locally. I am also a stay at home mom which isolates me even further. my kids are so young and I am so sad they will never know their Daddy like I did. I'm planning on starting a journal for them and show my 18mo pictures daily (something we did even before DH died but is so much more important now). It breaks my heart to know ds will probably eventually forget his memoried of his dad. it's killing me inside to think of it! The sad thing is we had talked about this happening and in the back of my mind I always knew he would die. somehow I just knew this would happen and I would be left alone to live life without him. a couple days before he died he even told me he felt like he would die if he did not quit smoking. I brushed this off and told him don't be silly. About a year ago he even told me he wanted to videotape himself talking to ds about different things he wanted to tell him just in case he were to die. I don't know how or why this happened. Sometimes I feel like our life was just too perfect and we were too happy. I just don't know how I will go on. I feel his energy surrounding me but still I am so alone. My heart is just broken and I don't know what to do with myself at all. Thankfully I have my kids as they are what gets me out of bed in the morning and keep me going. but it's still incredibly hard. I am so glad to have found this site. I hope to get to know you all better in the coming weeks and months. thanks for listening~Peace & Love & Light~ April

[misslambrini]

Hello, ive recently lost my partner, we werent even married, although talked about it. I'm 42 and he was 44. Three weeks ago we had an argument and got so angry with each other. He walked out on a monday nite at ten in the evening. The police came round the next day and told me he had hanged himself. I cant understand it and i have so many unanswered questions. I just keep busy in the day and late at nite wen everyone is bed i just cry buckets. Oh why did he do it, i never even got to say goodbye or tell him that i love him soooo much. I feel so alone. Life stopped wen his did and its so hard to move on. Sally

[misslambrini]

Hello, ive recently lost my partner, we werent even married, although talked about it. I'm 42 and he was 44. Three weeks ago we had an argument and got so angry with each other. He walked out on a monday nite at ten in the evening. The police came round the next day and told me he had hanged himself. I cant understand it and i have so many unanswered questions. I just keep busy in the day and late at nite wen everyone is bed i just cry buckets. Oh why did he do it, i never even got to say goodbye or tell him that i love him soooo much. I feel so alone. Life stopped wen his did and its so hard to move on. Sally