I Miss Him So...

[ontheedge]

Hi

This is my first time posting. I'm not sure where to begin. I lost the love of my life on april 27th. we have been together off and on for 20 years.( it's a long story).I called him on tuesday night. he said his back hurt and his mom and a friend of hers, where taking him to the hospital.So, i said ok.. i'll call you weds. Weds afternoon i called and talked to his mom. She said the hospital sent him home and said it was just a back sprain. But, he was in pain all night tue and all day weds and could i come up after work. i get to his house on weds night about 9:30 and he doesn't look good. I'm thinking he needs to go back to the hospital. He said to me can you help me out of bed i need to go to the bathroom. so, i get him out of bed and get him going down the hall and i went to the kitchen. when i come back he's on the floor in the bedroom. he said help me into bed. I tried but couldn't get him back to the bed and he said let me lay here for a minute i'm in alot of pain. Then he looks at me and said I love you and he just stopped. i'm thinking in my head this isn't funny jeff. i call his name and he doesn't respond. i say his name again and shake him , still nothing he's just laying on the floor with his eyes open. i start trying to find his pluse and all the time i'm thinking don't you do this to me. so i start cpr. then i think **** i have to call 911. i scream for his mom to call 911. she comes in the room and completly falls apart. so i have to stop crp on him run thur the house and find the phone call 911 and go back to jeff. by the time the they get there. they tell me they can't do anything for him. At that moment my world just stopped. I'm so lost. I miss jeff so much it's just hard for me to breath at times. It's just gotten worse from there.people think i should be over it by now. His sister is just a living nightmare. The things she has done are unbelievable. I went back to work 4 days after he passed. ( ya what was i thinking). My boss told me i need to smile and cheer up. my life is a nightmare. noone understands the pain i'm in. is it me? I'm so lost.

[lauraa]

Dear Ontheedge,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband 15 months ago. I exactly how you feel and so does everyone else here. Our world came to a stop when we lost our soulmates. I had to fight each and everyday to love life again. Nothing mattered. I had no energy. Now, I keep very busy with three teenagers. In the beginning I didn't know how I could survive emotional and I still cry each and everyday for the love of my life. He was the only man I ever loved and a piece of my heart was ripped out when he "passed". The one thing I focued on when I was around your time after the loss was getting a good night sleep. I can always fall asleep as I am exhausted but still wake up thru the night and have a difficult time falling back asleep. Now, my focus is trying to commmunicate with him on a daily basis. Somehow, just knowing that he really didn't die but "passed on" helps me. Try a read books on the subject. Read books by all the famous mediums and Hello From Heaven and these will help you on your journey to know your love one does live on and someday you will be together again. It is a tough road and we will all be here to help you thru this. I have been in the exhaustion stage the last several months and found it very hard to even read or write. I hope this helps and I will keep and everyone here in my prayers.

[withani]

OnTheEdge...I know how you're feeling as well...I lost my soulmate 8 months ago..we were in a 11 year relationship and just as Laura described and I'm sure you're feeling...it's like having a piece of your heart ripped away. I am only able to take one day at a time and like Laura have read many books on the afterlife and have had some ADC's which is of some comfort. I'm so sorry on some levels to hear that you were there when your significant other passed but then on other levels I'm envious. There is a lot of guilt that follows when you're not there at the time of passing. Finding this site was a god send to me as I'm sure it will be to you...keep talking...keep crying...get as much sleep as you can..and take care. Hugs....Cindi

[sillygirl]

Ontheedge...I also know and understand how you are feeling right now. I lost my husband of 15 years to cancer 18 months ago. The road has been a very lonely and rocky one but for me it is easier now. All of us here know where you are and where you are coming from. It takes time to heal, YOUR time, no one elses. Unless a person has lived our lives and walked in our shoes, they just don't have a clue as to what is going on, how we feel or why we say and act the way we do. Don't stop talking, go with your feelings for the moment. Write them down if you want to, I kept a journal of those months and now sit and read it and reflect and see just how far I have come. I will keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers. Gods blessings and mine. Sue

[computermemaw2]

Lauraa, I was so glad to read your last post about being in the exhaustive stage now and having trouble reading or writing. I thought I was going crazy. Instead of getting better, I seem to be getting more and more disorganized. I've taken on a new project trying to start a home-based embroidery business with a friend and we have a show in November to be in with some of our items. I can't seem to get going. There's a million things I plan to sew, but am having such a hard time getting up the energy to finish projects started. I have to really focus hard to stay on track at work because I still find myself starting to tear up whenever I start thinking of my husband. I've managed to cry every day, sometimes more intense than others. For times like those, I drag out my Xanex. At 20 months I'm still just as lonesome and still remember his passing in every detail. My house is starting to look cluttered. I pick up in one room and move it to the next. Trouble is, I'm just going in circles. It's almost funny at times. I look at it and tell myself, "Gayle, you've got to get a handle on this, this isn't like you." But then, I think to myself, "oh well, I'll get to it when I get to it." My kids think it's hysterical that someone who used to stay up sewing and doing crafts until midnight or 1 and still be able to get up by 4 to go to work is now out by 7 p.m. if I lay on the couch with a pillow. I'm out by then I think because I'm trying to still hide from the pain and loneliness, but I'm also still waking up 4 or 5 times during the night, just staring at the TV until I go back to sleep. Nothings the same, it's never going to be, and I've even prayed to God not to let me have a long life into old age because the thought of living 20 years without my Eddy is unbearable. It's pathetic I know, but that's the way I feel right now. I've gotten quite good at wearing my different masks - one for work, one with the girls at lunch, one with the kids when they're around or call to say hello. This has been my first posting in a bit because I haven't even wanted to say anything, although I do read the postings pretty much every day. Man, this is getting me even lower. I'd better stop now and MAKE myself start some sewing or I'm going to be really embarrased to be in a craft show with nothing to sell (grin). Everyone take care. Ontheedge - you hang in there. And Jen, I was so glad to hear things are working out for you. I've been wondering how you were doing since going back home. You'll have to let me know your kitchen colors so I can embroider you some towels! Gayle

[lauraa]

Computermemow2,

Your not crazy! ANd this whole damn thing sucks! It's a nightmare! It just comes in so many different phases. Everyone really needs to take extra special care of yourselves cause if you don't no-one else will. I said it in the beginning and I'll say it again but where the hell does everyone go after the funeral? I am still dumbfounded by friends and family who literally disappeared. It is so lonely. And, alot of the time it's me who flat out just doesn't want to go out and be with people. It's always couples or families and I can't put on a face like life is o.k. now. I would rather be home with my kids. It's been 15 months for me now and if I allow myself to think to much of all the pain and suffering and loosing my husband I could just sink into a deep hole. I have to put that face on for my kids so they don't colaspese...I'm sure you know about that. The many faces...I know all those, too. I have a complicated story and one in which I can't go into alot but I sink inside when I think how quickly our beautiful lives changed. I fight daily to not fall into a deep depression and everyone here I'm sure feels the same. I fall asleep at night like you to just get away from the pain but I do wake up lots during the night....even if I do take something to help me sleep...It is all so exhausting. I am trying to communicate with god again as I have been so damn pissed at him this year. We prayed and worked for his healing miracle...why wouldn't god intervene to stop it all and get him better? Why the hell do the good guys get struck and all the dirt balls who don't give a damn go on? These are the questions that I contemplate on a daily basis. Why do things like this happen to people who loved each other with their entire being and wanted a family to raise and put out there in our society to be productive citizens and worked to do the same with youngsters? Why? I know it is a process for us but I am not sure we will ever be the same....I am trying to love life again but it is not easy as I don't like alot of what I see. So, I continue to raise our children that we both love so dearly and I go on for my husband as I know how dearly he loved me and he would want me to do good with them and myself. Boy do I sound depressed tonight...I have been the last two days as I took our oldest boy off to college and it always hits me after things. I am just so sad without my hubby.

You have a good night and keep thinking of your hubby and know he is with you. We have to accept that they are gone but now try to communicate with them in other ways. Talk with your soon.

[nancy55]

I have been reading the most recent posts. I understand how you all are feeling. But it scares me--my husband has only been gone since June 21st. I can't imagine feeling like this for many more months. I agree--I go to bed at 830 or 9pm--because I want to get away from the pain and empty feelings I have. I went out last nite to a festival with my grown children--and I was crying inside--seeing so many happy couples dancing and kissing. I want that back in my life with Mike. I was miserable by the end of the nite--and wished I stayed home.I know I have to go on. But I am so miserable, I too have many faces to wear. I wear one for work, for my friends, for my kids and for me when I'm by myself and can really show my pain. I have made plans for 2 trips to travel to meet my family and am sort of looking forward to it--but also think of all the "new" experiences I have to encounter without my husband.I dread the holidays--although what's the difference--everyday is painful with out him.

God bless all of you--you are all in my prayers,Nancy

[honeybuny]

Everyone,

You are not going crazy. What you're experiencing is grief. I've been a widow for five years and at first I couldn't remember anything-one day I was driving home from work and totally forgot where I lived! I could read because I found I kept reading a sentence over and over and couldn't remember what it said, I couldn't watch tv because I couldn't concentrate. Supermarkets playing those songs-well I cried. I cried in the drugstore when I was picking up medicine.

And I thought I was losing my mind. I really did.

But DeeAnn on this site who was also a young widow explained that I wasn't losing my mind,she had gone through the same thing and that helped me so much to know I wasn't alone.

I didn't want to go to bed because now it was so big and empty, I used to keep his shirt on his pillow and spray his cologne on it so I could smell him. Then I didn't want to wake up because at first I could pretend he was still alive and then suddenly it would hit he wasn't and I had to get through another day.

I talked to Craig alot, for some reason he was always up in the ceiling in a corner of my bedroom. I always looked up when I talked to him. And I began journaling writing letters to him about my day because it made me feel more like when he was alive and we shared about our days.

Since I worked during the week, coming home on a Friday was the worst. It meant an entire weekend. So I would do things like obsessively clean so I'd be exhausted by Saturday night.

So no, none of you are going crazy.

[withani]

Computememau2, Laura, Nancy55 and HoneyBuny....I was so relieved to read your posts. I thought I was the only going CRAZY. My beloved Gary passed 8 months ago and shortly after I lost my Sales Position due to my Production. I've always been successful as well as an extremely organized person. Now..everything's just a mess..I'd like to be exhausted but instead I can never get myself to go to sleep..I keep going to this site. I've always been focused with my career but now I'm just whatever...if I have to move sell my house and rent I will. Don't know if I'll be able to get to the level I was with my career because I simply just don't care anymore. My youngest son is starting school as a senior in high school tommorrow so I'm hoping I'll at least be able through unemployment and savings to keep my house until he graduates. I've been taking Xanax since the onset and wonder if an antidepressant would make me focus but currently without an employer that also brings no health insurance.

I speak to Gary everyday and I've GOT to believe things are going to get better. Like many of you mentioned in your posts...I have trouble going to the grocery listening to the music. I've avoided going to places we always went but today found myself going to a flea market that Gary and I just loved and I kept looking for him. He was 6'2" so I was always on my tippy toes looking for him. I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to enjoy he the things he and I did together or if I'm better off praying for early Alzheimer's. I've tried going out on a date or two and I just come home angry...does his happen to anyone else????

God Bless...

Cindi

[ontheedge]

hi everyone

Thank you sillygirl,withani, lauraa, for your post i thought i was losing my mind. Im having such a hard day today, it's raining. the rain was special to jeff and me. i remmmeber the time we stayed in bed for 3 days under the covers while it just poured outside. The night jeff passed it rained 30 mins later all night long. i'm missing jeff so bad right now.i can't stop crying. like everyone else i can't go anywhere that we use to go. it's really hard for me to use the computer. we use to go to yahoo chat rooms all the time. so, just looking at the damn thing is hard for me. i read ( or try to) read walking in the garden of souls by george anderson, and try and think jeff is watching me. But, at times like these it doesn't give me much comfort. I want to see him i want to be in his arms. Like cindi i can realate to looking for him. Jeff was 6'10" with long sandy blonde hair and the most amazing blue eyes and smile that would light up a room. omg i miss him so much. i hate what is left of my life. I want to be with him so bad. i keep thinking maybe tonight will be the night i don't wake up in the morning. but, morning is here and so i'm i. this sucks. i want my old life back!!!!!!!!

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

None of us are crazy and if ya get right down to it I think we "all" are doing remarkably well considering we all lost "the love of our lives". All of your post here feel like I could have written all of them. It's 15 months for me tomorrow and I feel anxious, exhausted and depressed. I think I usually can get thru things cause it's usually for my kids but then afterwards is when it all hits me, ie, I took our oldest son off to college last Wednesday and I have been down in the dumps ever since....it is so emotional without his dad. I am trying so hard to help them all cope with their loss of their dad they all loved so much....And, I won't even talk about the expense of college and how overwhelming that is....I just miss my husband so so much and still can't believe he is gone.....It's Post Traumatic Stress that we are all going thru. One day at a time! I am going to go to my tub and do a body scrub and hopely I won't scrub all my skin off, lol! Sweet dreams to all of you....Talk to your husbands and ask them to come to you tonight in anyway, thoughts, dreams, anything...

[nancy55]

Hello everyone, after reading all the new posts at this site today, I\'m crying. Each and everyone of you are special and I am so angry we all have to go thru this pain. It is not fair. I cry everyday. I also hope somewhere, someday I\'ll run into Mike--and then this will all just be a nightmare--not reality. Driving home from work everyday, I think this might be the day--he will be home waiting for me--like it used to be. I hate this pain and I hate that other people are going thru it also. All I can do, is pray everyday it gets better, pray everyday that I will enjoy life again, pray everyday that I find some peace in my heart instead of this jabbing pain I have. I can easily vomit at the thought of this going on for me for a long time. How can I get out of bed each day knowing each day brings more pain and crying. I hate my life the way it is now.

We all are not crazy. We all have suffered the most stressful event in ones life. There is not any greater event of pain then losing a spouse or child. God will get us thru this--although right now I'm not very happy with him. This all is new to me and I am so confused. I do know Mike is better off now--not suffering, but it hurts so much still. I miss his so much. God bless you all,Nancy

[iocasti]

Hello to everybody in here....on Sunday will be six mounths since my houband has passed away...its getting better everyday...but of course pain is always in my heart..i am standing on my feet again...i dont like the way things are...but this is it. I can not change anything no matter how hard i try. I can not stand to look back on my past...and i can not stand look the future of my life and my kids...i am just trying to be fine each day...in my dreams each time i see him...there is always from his site an emotional distance...even sometimes i see him as he is about to live with another woman...i never before had such dreams...i was not jelous of him...he was faithfull to me as long as we were together....and since i was not spiritualy only very faithfull to him while we were together i thing i would understand and forgive him in case that he would have been with another woman while he was still alive. Has any of you the same experience or any idea if those dreams mean something ? Thank you all for being here...wish to you all....to be someday with our beloved ones somehow

[withani]

Iocasti...I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...I lost my significant other of 11 years eight months ago and some days are okay but others I find myself crying uncontrollably. Especiallly when I try to enjoy something we shared together. As far as your dream of your husband living with another woman...I had some kinda dream like that in the initial couple months but I don't remember the details...past months are like a blur..and I'm not exactly sure what that dream means. More recently I had a dream that he and I were building a Bed and Breakfast together and I was very happy. There is a sight here called ADC's were people have been able to discuss what particular dreams mean so you may want to post your dream there for some opinions.

Take care and god bless...Cindi

[iocasti]

Thank you Cindi for your response..:)it comforts to know that others like me had the same sences like me...and that probably means nothing in particular...i am so very very anxious and desperate to have a communication with him that such dreams make me feel like i did something wrong and coused this spiritual distance with him....i want him so much to be part of my life.What kind of life is this without OUR people close to us. Why?......all this pain why?...we builded a life together since i was 16 and he was 18 and now i am 33 years old and i have empty hands...everything except my kids has gone....where i am supposed to give all my emotions now? who is going to give me a hang now? what have i done wrong? i want him back with me now. I am mother and i am happy for that...but i also wanted to be woman.I loved him and i still love him. Who took him away from me from his kids? Why ? Why? I want him ..i want to touche him....i want my life back....who gave my honey to taste and then bitter? what am i supposed to learn from this?

[withani]

Iocasti...you're welcome...I don't know what we're suppose to do with all these emotions...I'm sure we won't know until we can look at it again from retrospect. I am going to continue my relationship with my beloved Gary...I've had too many ADC's to believe he's still with me. Unfortunately..not physically...what I would give for a big ole' bear hug of his and that beautiful smile. It's a very hard journey but fortunately we have this site to speak with others who share this common bond. I have a teenage son and also my daughter and grandson live with me right now so it helps to keep loving.

God doesn't make mistakes...he needed our men to come home...but I know exactly how you feel...the why's...the how's...I always thought Gary and I would go at the same time for some crazy reason. There is a plan for each and every one of us as I'm sure you've been told. I just keep reading and take one day at a time. Sometimes I'll have a good day but then it will be followed by several bad. Hang in there...your husband loves you very much!!!

Hugs...Cindi

[jlizzy]

Hi Everyone,

It will be 14 months since my husband, Bob, passed away. I still am

walking around with no feelings, no hope for my future. I am a

shell of a person without him. The past two weeks, I had my

grandchildren with me and that helped me alot; but now they have

gone home to get ready for school and I am back to my shell.

My sons have been angry with me for not starting a malpractice

suit against the doctors in Jersey. Bob was diagnosed with

pagets disease and he had cancer; this held off treatment that

might have let him stay longer. I just havent been able to

think; now I have to relive the pain all over again. We have

till December to file. I know this wont bring him back (I wear

part of his ashes in a locket that I never take off) but

just to make sure these doctors dont do this to anyone else.

If they have a slight sign of cancer--then they should act

according - not hold the person off until its too late for

treatment to help. this wont be easy for me or the boys but

it has to be done. My son is right and I have to do this.

After all, a hospital in NJ couldnt control my husbands pain

and gave him one week to live and when we transferred him

to PA, his pain was controlled

in three days and he got another 6 months.

What is wrong with the medical field that they dont act on

what is seen and act on what they think?

I am so upset today that I dont know what to do or where to

go. I feel like a lost soul. My heart feels like it will never

mend;; it is broken forever. I havent felt Bob around me for

so long now, but there is a holistic fair in Sept in my area

and i am going to go back to the psychic. He was right on

in May so I will see him again.

Has anyone ever gone to a seance? Someone I know here said she

went to one when her son died. What does everyone think?

God Bless You All

Joyce

[computermemaw2]

Hi Everyone,

It will be 14 months since my husband, Bob, passed away. I still am

walking around with no feelings, no hope for my future. I am a

shell of a person without him. I am so upset today that I dont know what to do or where to go. I feel like a lost soul. My heart feels like it will never

mend;; it is broken forever.

Joyce, my heart goes out to you. I understand where you're coming from and the feelings you're having. The only comfort I can give you is to tell you you're not alone and that you'll be kept in my prayers. Small things I know, but hopefully, helpful. Do what you must about how your husband's case was handled. I also went to an attorney trying to bring neglect charges since my husband's condition wasn't acted upon, but the attorneys decided not to take the case because their workload was too heavy they said. What that said to me was they didn't think they'd get enough money out of it and that in SC it's hard to bring charges against a doctor. In the end, my feelings were it won't bring my husband back and I didn't have the energy or the money to waste trying to press charges. I completely understand that it's not about money but that you put your trust into the doctor's diagnosis and are supposed to trust them and that you don't want another family to suffer as you are now. Just try to hand in there the best you can. After 20 months, I still take one day at a time and it's still hard. I've always heard the saying "if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." I'm still waiting (grin). Take care. Gayle

[jlizzy]

I've always heard the saying "if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." I'm still waiting (grin). Take care. Gayle

Gayle,

My faith in God is very strong, it wasnt when Bob passed, but it is now.

This is the toughest thing I have ever gone through and it stinks.

I am so grateful that this site is here, because there is nobody that I

can express my true feelings to, nobody understands. I am getting better,

I dont cry every night; although I seem to hurt so much more every month

when the 27th comes around. I, like everyone here, would give anything

to have Bob back just to have him hug me once more and tell me he loves

me. Just to hear his crazy sense of humor.

I still have his 1961 Buick in the yard, we used to go together to the

car shows and sit by the car while people checked it out. Last Saturday,

I took the grandkids swimming at a park near us and about 5 PM these

old cars started lining up on the grass around the pool; a band started

playing those old 50's and 60's music. I got out of the pool and saw

couples sitting by their cars while people walked by admiring them.

I got so angry because I realized that Bob and I would never do that

again. I had to get the kids together and leave. I couldnt take it.

I am so tired of seeing couples together happy and so extremely tired

of hearing about others surviving cancer. But there are no answers to

my questions as to why Bob couldnt survive; why the doctors didnt do

more to help him. I feel so overwhelmed and need for this to stop.

When we went to the first doctor and he told us Bob didnt have cancer,

we were both so releaved, you cant imagine how happy we were. Then

6 months later when we found out it was really cancer, we were so

devastated; but we fought so hard and Bob lost the battle. The pain

got to be too much for him to keep fighting and he gave in to the

cancer and it spread.

I pray every night for Bob and for God to help me through this

and give me strength to keep going. I talk to Bob every night and day

but nothing seems to help.

I really appreciate you listening to me. The only thing that stops the

crying once a month is you and others here on this site.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[withani]

Jlizzy....I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your struggle over whether to get an attorney or not. I lost my significant other of the past 11 years suddenly to acute myocardistis 8 months ago...he was under the care of a physician and had an extensive workup on his heart a few months before and nothing surfaced (that he told me)....anyway I feel your pain and Gayle's right..your not alone!!! I've talked to many very nice and understanding people on this site and thank God I found it. People who have not gone through this type of loss can't understand how it shakes your entire being...shell of a person and lost soul accurately describes it. I know taking one day at a time has been the BEST that I've been able to do. Also..I find I can't participate for the time being in all the things that Gary and I loved to do so I can imagine how it felt for you when you were at the pool with the grandchildren and the cars pulled up. God Bless You...Hugs..Cindi

[jenmulloy]

It's been nine months and I can't believe I've made it this far without him. We always did everything together. I have a few friends telling me I should give other guys a chance. What if I don't want to, what if I don't feel like it's right. I may never feel like it's right and I really don't want to be pushed by it. I had a friend at work today tell me that I'll find someone else who will love Brady like his own. I don't want that and I guess I can't say that nobody will ever come into my life, but right now nobody will get past the wall I've built over my heart. There will always be a wall that protects it because I can't deal with any more pain, no matter how small it might be. I found the love of my life and now that he's gone there's no guarantee that I want to look again.

[lauraa]

Hey Guys,

I am so glad to see you all posting again. It has been hard for me to read and sometimes to even respond as I feel my energy is still low. It takes all I can do to raise my 3 teenagers. Not to mention all the other stuff that I have had to do this summer, ie. minor surgery, car accident and getting my oldest off to college.....the rollercoaster ride just get windier!

Joyce, I think of you all the time and hope you are always hanging in there....I know that feeling of having to pack things up and get going when those feelings hit close to home. I also think you (if you have the strength to fight) should pursue the neglect you husband experienced with the original doctors...just know that if the first attorney you see doesn't think so...be persistent!

Jenmulloy, Don't do anything your not ready for...maybe? Someday? No-one is in charge of you but you....your a strong girl and like I tell my own kids...you have been thru more and a young person than most adults have...I don't think my kids could go thru anything worse than they already have...

You all stay strong. I am counting of god to see us all thru...even in our days of anger toward him....he has big shoulders to handle it all. And, I do believe our love ones are in the most glorious place imaginable....waiting for us! So everything I do is to make him proud of me!

Love to all of you and keep writing!

[computermemaw2]

I had a friend at work today tell me that I'll find someone else who will love Brady like his own. I don't want that and I guess I can't say that nobody will ever come into my life, but right now nobody will get past the wall I've built over my heart. There will always be a wall that protects it because I can't deal with any more pain, no matter how small it might be. I found the love of my life and now that he's gone there's no guarantee that I want to look again.

Sweetheart, don't rush yourself. It's still early in your grieving process. Take as much time as you need. Maybe you'll find another later down the road, maybe not. You'll know when the time's right. Go with your heart. Personally, I married for love the first time. Now that I'm older (54), should I ever marry again, honey, it'd be for MONEY and LOTS of it (smile). I'm teasing. No one but God knows what our future holds for us. At this point in my life, I'm still grieving 20 months after my husband's passing, still talk to him daily, still feel that married bond between us. I don't honestly know that I want to go through the learning process again of becoming so familiar with another person that we don't have to finish each other's sentences and almost know each other's thoughts. In today's time, it's terribly frightening to me to think now you have to think of what kind of person you're letting into your life now, what kind of baggage they're bringing with them, families getting along, etc. Right now, for me, I use all my energy just trying to get through each day--I don't want to be having to play the dating game stuff again. My feelings for my husband are still so strong, I'm honestly quite content to just keep plugging along, and have my memories. I hurt like hell and miss him like crazy, but I can't picture anyone else in my life. It'd take one hell of a person to be let into my life now--when you feel you've already been with the best--anything else is just jello (grin). Maybe I'm not making much sense, but what I'm trying to say to you is this--you concentrate on you and your little one. What will be meant to be will be. Don't worry about having someone else love your little one as much as his daddy would have--my stepfather has been the only dad I've known my whole life, and I can honestly say he's always been my dad and there for me--so there are good men out there. You take your time and just stay true to yourself and Brady. I'm rooting for you. Gayle

[withani]

Jenmulloy...I know how you feel Jen..it's been 8 1/2 mos. here for me and I've tried to go on an occasional date but TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! I find I'm better off to hang out with my girlfriends and their husbands/significant others. I don't see any reason to rush this process because no matter who we come across on our journey...it will be DIFFERENT....Hugs...Cindi

[nancy55]

Hello all, I hope this finds all of you well. I so agree with what you have said. I have no desire to see anyone else or date. I know it's only 2 months since I lost Mike. But he was a perfect husband and I don't have the energy to try to get to know someone else. No one can come close to him.I don't know what is ahead for me. I just try to get through each day. The longer I go without seeing him--the more I miss him. I went to the cemetry the other evening--to see his headstone as it was finished. It was terrible seeing his name there and the dates. I am not a cemetry person and it gives me no comfort. He is not really there. I feel closer to him when I am at home. This whole thing sucks. It is so final. God bless,Nancy

[lauraa]

Jem, Gayle, Joyce, Nancy, Cindy.....Everyone,

I think we could all get away with writing everyone elses feelings here...No-one could possibly know what we feel unless of course they have been thru what we all have. The past 15 months I have for the most part have had a low profile...purposefully. I did not want to put myself in a position to have people make me feel worse than I already did. This past week I went away with a friend and her mom asked me if I ever thought of getting remarried again...I said no. She is older and told me she knew for sure that I would and they would be the best years of my life....ie, money, sex, fun.....What she "really" doesn't know is I had the BEST...the most sincere man I could ever ask for...dedicated, handsome, successful, kind, christian, family oriented and loved me more than life....HOW THE H_____ COULD IT EVER BE BETTER THAN THAT?????? that is why I mind my own business, keep a low profile and totally avoid this stuff. I have an arsinal of lines ready....ie, Do you think so? Hey, try being honest....most people don't like that! They just can't handle death...the thought sends people flyin'...am I right? Is that what you all have experienced...people are just flat out dumb when it comes to this....they either say nothing or it is flat out stupid. Oh well...off to my little world! lol!

I know it is not easy for any of us and I think of you all daily....just know your guys are right there with you...I know cause I have had many readings done and they all tell me that and they do not know my situation.....they are there!

Peace!

[heartache111]

Hi every one , I just lost my husband may second, he was my life for fourty three years. I just don't know how I can make it with out him.My heart feel's so emty, I'm lost with out him, life is nothing with out him, my heart , my house is just so emty, I feel so alone how do we do it?

[heartache111]

Hi every one , I'm so sorry for your loss

[withani]

Lauraa....You are Sooooo Right with it sends the people flyin'...as well as saying nothing. I feel dumbfounded myself when I come across someone who I thought was a friend of Gary's that didn't know he passed and when I tell them they just look at me...and say nothing!!! I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT!!! It's as if they didn't exist! Sheeeeeeshhh...what's up with people anyway!!!

God bless you all!!! Hugs...Cindi

[heartache111]

Hi every one , I just lost my husband may second, he was my life for fourty three years. I just don't know how I can make it with out him.My heart feel's so emty, I'm lost with out him, life is nothing with out him, my heart , my house is just so emty, I feel so alone how do we do it?

my husband had Parkison, Demencia, Alzemers, he went from Parkison to the rest in six years .befor all this happen he never went to a doctor, he was healhty.started with the shakes on one side of his body.as time went on Demencia set in , then it got worse, I tried to take care of him for a long time , just kept getting worse, then he went to the hospital the night mare began, from the hospital went to a nuseing home . He was there only two weeks , the first week he was talking walking , eating, I even took him out for a ride, then the second week all he was doing is sleeping I kept telling them something was wrong thay kept saying it was the med's he was on ,so I told them to take him off the meds because I didn't like what it was doing to him .he wasn't eating or nothing, I was with him ten hour's a day , seven day's a week. something was real wrong . so one day I said don't get him up he can't even walk or talk , or even eat any more, so when thay went to put him in bed I seen he was all black and blue , his feet had blisterson them.So I said I want a head nurse now, she came in ,, I said I want some thing done now , she said we can't , I yelled now, so a doctor came in , took blood work and other things , in 1 hour thay said his ---- BUNS were 178 and thay are only surpose to be 27 , he was dieing , get him to the hospital now. Well it was five o'clockhe was surpose to arrive at six never got there until midnight , put the wrong one in the ambullance. well when he got there kidneys failed, heart , feeding tube, he had not gone to the bath room for five days , all this and thay never new it , because of this all the rest happen to him, he couldn't talk , thay opened his mouth so wonder he was chewing his tonge off , it was all black,it was a night mare , thay put oxigen all he said then was I love you honey , those were the last words I heard from my husband. because of lack of oxigen to the brain he was all done and every thing else that happen to him. He lived two more weeks ,I watch him die slowly. he never said a nother word to me just looked at me.I was laying on his chest when he died. thats not the whole story , but most of it .sorry about some of the spelling i'm just all messed up writeing it.between the crying. so I know what you are all feeling , my prays are with you all.

[heartache111]

What do I click on to talk to some one else?

[computermemaw2]

What do I click on to talk to some one else?

Click on the quote button contained in the individual's box whose posting you want to reply to.

I'm sending you the biggest hug I can across the internet so you'll hopefully feel some comfort in knowing we're all here for you. My heart was so saddened reading about your husband. But I'm so very glad your husband got to tell you he loved you. Gayle

[sillygirl]

Laura,Jen,Gayle and everyone else...Just wanted to stop in for a quick minute before work and wish all of you well. I am glad to hear that everyone is doing as well as can be expected. Its been almost 19 months since I lost Jerry and it has gotten somewhat easier. I have taken a new job with our local Hospice here. God has called me to do this and I feel that I need to give back to them what they gave to me and to go out and help other families deal with what we are all going through. I feel good when I can help someone else cope with what we all ready are coping with. Gods blessings to all of you here and I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers. Sue

[jlizzy]

Laura,Jem, Gayle, Nancy, Cindy.....Everyone,

I know how you all feel. I will never be with anyone else; I know

this. I have a friend, he was a client at my job with microwarehouse,

we have never met. He got my phone number and called me Sunday night.

The conversation got so disturbing that when he said he had another

call and he'd call back in a couple of minutes; I was very relieved.

When the phone rang, I didnt answer it. He made me feel very

uncomfortable- it was as though he was trying to get close to me

all of a sudden. He came on like he wants more than friendship now.

I tried to explain to him how I felt about the rest of my life

now that my husband is deceased; but he didnt want to hear it.

I screen my calls now.

Bob was my soul mate; my true love; we would end each others

sentences; say the same things at the same time; He is with me

in spirit and i can feel him around; strange things have happened

in the past 14 months. So I know he is looking after me and our

family.

I just want you all to know that, although I may not be on every

day, I am thinking about you all and praying for your journey

to be easier for you.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce and Everyone Else,

It's called "emotional Affairs".....This has happened this year to me also...We all need to be very careful as we are extremely vulnerable and sometimes mistake peoples real intentions as kindness. I say, I was born at night it wasn't last night! lol! Beware of wolves in sheep costumes....isn't that what the scripture warns us of??????

Jen....If I remember correctly I think you headed to Louisiana.....hopefully the storm missed you and you and the little guy made it out safely......Here's to 'STRONG WOMEN"..............................................................

[nancy55]

Heartache111, I feel so bad for you. You have suffered alot and I know watching your husband die is awful. My husband had cancer for 19 months and died June 21,2005. He fought it with courage--went thru chemo and radiation. He had lung cancer. I also feel so empty and scared. I can't believe this nightmare happened to me. He was only 53 years old. Life is so unfair. God bless,Nancy

[heartache111]

What do I click on to talk to some one else?

Click on the quote button contained in the individual's box whose posting you want to reply to.

I'm sending you the biggest hug I can across the internet so you'll hopefully feel some comfort in knowing we're all here for you. My heart was so saddened reading about your husband. But I'm so very glad your husband got to tell you he loved you. Gayle

[heartache111]

What do I click on to talk to some one else?

Click on the quote button contained in the individual's box whose posting you want to reply to.

I'm sending you the biggest hug I can across the internet so you'll hopefully feel some comfort in knowing we're all here for you. My heart was so saddened reading about your husband. But I'm so very glad your husband got to tell you he loved you. Gayle

[heartache111]

Nancy55 & Gayle, I want to say thankyou so much, my heart breaks for you all, the pain, emtyness just hurts so much, how are we surpose to go on.We feel so helpless, so alone.thank god I have god to turn to ,it helps.I have night mares of him in so much pain , and theres nothing i can do.I allso get mad at him for leaveing me alone.can't see my life going on with out him.The house is so emtry, and all I do is cry, all the time.Our childen are all married and gone.thay have there own life, thay all live far away.its a long story I could write a book, its one hurt after anoughter, I don't know how I'm going to make it.But I bet you all feel the same.Life sucks!!!!!well it feels good to be talking about it with people that no what i feel!!hugs & kisses to all of you, i'll pray we all make it through this heart ache.GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!!!

[withani]

Nancy, Heartache, Laura, Gayle, Jlizzy....everyone has been through so much here it makes my heart go out to each and everyone of you. I know exactly what you mean Jlizzy by your husband being your soulmate..true love...completing your sentences. I don't get it how some guys will pounce on you within the first few months....it's crazy...and I agree with Gayle how vulnerable everyones is and to have the antennae's out for the wolf in sheep clothing...isn't it bad enough we're grieving without that added overhead!!! Sheesh!!!! Plus I'm familar with those strange occurences happening by our loved ones letting us know they're still here. God bless everyone...Hugs..Cindi

[tammy61]

I am finally back--constant changes in life--I was forced to move again, at times I feel I will never have a home again! I want to thank Cindi & Nancy C. for their responses. This site is the best thing I have come across on the internet!! Times are tough right now--September 12th is coming up fast & I can remember every day previous to that terrible Sunday when I lost Roy. I have to tell you I certainly don't like the word "anniversary"--it should be used for something positive, not death. It will be one year on Sept. 12th--wow, one year--how have I lived for a year without Roy? I have to admit I haven't really lived, I've existed. I have to tell you that not long ago I was re-living Roy's death (just as I have every day) when it hit me that I had not thanked the Lord for allowing me to be with him as he died. Right then I said a prayer of thanks & I felt such a feeling of calm afterwards. I can really feel for those that did not have the opportunity to be with their loved ones at the time of their death--it would make coping so much worse. I don't know if this is the thing to do but on Sept. 12th I will be at our home (the bank has not sold it yet) at the time Roy died--I always "feel" Roy is there & it always calms me--I am going to re-live his death again on the one year date. I am still searching for a way to begin healing & all I can think of is being at "home" for it. I will have flowers & a balloon to "send to heaven". Thank you again for caring. Tammy

[jenmulloy]

So I am really a little disturbed right now. There is a man that I work with who told a friend of mine that he thought I was cute. She told me who it was and I told her that I was under the impression he had a wife and kids. She said yes, he does, but he cheats on his wife all the time. I got pretty upset and told her there was no way in hell I'd ever do that to anyone, plus what I wouldnt give just to have that life again that he's ruining. I guess I just don't understand people. I don't think people stop to realize what they have in life until it's too late. I'd give anything to feel the sense of security I once had and it seems like ages ago when I had complete sanity. Im just glad that Brad and I took the time to tell each other we loved each other on a daily basis so there was never a question on how one felt about the other. Yes, we had our fights like everyone else, but we always said it before we got off the phone and when we left in the mornings. I miss the closeness and I miss waking up to smelling him in the morning and I just miss him. Im 25 and I feel so lost sometimes and I can't see myself living my life without him, even though I've made it 9 months.

[lauraa]

Jen...people like that you just want to kick right in the ass! Cause that is what they are! You keep staying strong and just ignore people like that. You have better things to do. This grieving is so hard and there is always the unexpected....we just never know what it is that will hit us or when. It can really throw me for a loop. My energy level is really low and it has been 15 months for me. I have been sad and crying alot for the last several days. It's that feeling of just crying and saying "come back to me" and then just crying knowing that will never be....and, then just crying and remembering all the beautiful moments we had together. I am just flooded with memories. I always know what my husband would say in any given situation. I don't generally have to even think about it...I just know what he would say or do. I can see his eyes as plain as if he were sitting right here next to me....I think I knew every inch of his body, every freckle, mole, scare, the way his toes were, the hairs on his neck if he was late getting a hair cut...this is all the stuff that drives me nuts. I could always fix things either myself or with him and this was one thing I couldn't stop or fix....the most precious thing to me....I get really pissed! I use to love life so much but now I struggle to love anything. My kids are the loves of my life and I would give my life for them. I still trying to come to terms with why god couldn't help save him. I know I have to give all my suffering to god but I can't cause I am so disappointed and angry at him for taking my soulmate from me....What do I do about that? So Jen......don't give anyone yourself who has no value in what is the most important in life....You my dear deserve much better than that......and for now being alone with your little guys is a gatrillion times better.......Hang in there!

[withani]

Jenmulloy and Tammy 61...

Jenmulloy...I agree with you 100% that in life most of us don't know what we have until it's gone. Unfortunately I'm guilty of that...the love was always there and Gary and I used to say...you with never be without me and I'll never be without you but I don't think I APPRECIATED him enough. You're right..there is soooooo much you miss...the closness..waking up...doing things together that only the two of you do...I'm at the 9 mo mark this week and although I've accepted it kicking and screaming the entire way...I've just got this void of I USED to............................................

Tammy61...I am sorry you had to move again..I'm looking at moving probably in about 6 months. I took a new job...I haven't been working since April when I was let go from my company because after Gary's passing my sales numbers went down. I'm a single mom so I HAVE to work and I decided to take a job in a kinder field than sales and started yesterday...the pay is less than 1/2 of what I'm used to making so that's why the move. I've been here 12 years...it's going to be strange. I like your idea of balloons on September 12th...your anniversary date and I agree it should be called something else. I don't know when it stops that you don't relive every day up to and then the day of the passing...I've heard after you get past the year mark...but I dunno..I guess that remains to be seen. My thoughts and prayers will be with you on the 12th...take care...Cindi

[nancy55]

Hello, to all of you.I think so much of every one of you. It is so nice to come here have someone understand my feelings. I am only at the 10 week mark and --I don't think this is getting any easier. The longer I don't see Mike, the more it hurts. I can't get used to it. I pray for all of you. We have all suffered an enormous loss. The #1 stress in one's life is lost of a child or spouse.So we have suffered the ultimate level of stress in our life time. It completely changes who we are. It takes every ounce of energy to do everyday living things. It would be easier to curl up in bed for days --and not face the world. But few of us can do that.We all have get up and fight. We have to fight the emptiness in our hearts, the sickening feeling in our stomach, the darkness that we see as we look to the future. But, each of us can and will accomplish the long term goal here---that is to continue living and hopefully enjoy living again. God bless,Nancy55

[lauraa]

To All,

his is a wonderful place for us all to come together to talk about the loss of our dear husbands. It will be 16 months on Sept. 16th....It has gotten better in some respects but the hole in my heart remains. I am still trying to love life again without him. We were together since we were 14. The odds were against us to make it but with each passing year we got stronger and stronger together. I hate going on without him. I can see his beautiful eyes still as if he is sitting right next to me and I know exactly what he would say about things. He and I were connected by our souls. Life just isn't the same and I doubt if it ever will be again. My basic beliefs are the same but my beliefs in alot of things have changed. I think this grief is one that will stay with us always with an emptiness we will have to carry. I must go on and it is the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do....I try to remember my husband would not want me to be sad or to cry all the time and that helps to pull me out of it....I throw myself into my kids to help them susrvive. I agree this board is great as we all have each other to talk with as most other people couldn't even begin to imagaine what we go thru. I hope everyone has a good day and make strides to feel better. Just remember our love ones are with us we just can't see them. Peace!

[jenmulloy]

I think im doing so well for so long and then everything just crashes down. I confided in someone about my feelings for the first time since he died and it was just a slap in the face for me and Im just done trying. I hate all of this sometimes I just wish I wasnt here anymore. Ill never have anyone love me the way he loved me and I dont want to live the rest of my life without him. None of this is fair and I dont know what I did so bad in my life to deserve this so young.

[lauraa]

Jen.....I feel the same way.....I am tired of it, too! I cry alone because nobody gets it...How could they? Your not alone and everything you are feeling so "normal", cause everyone here says the same things....I will pray for you and everyone else here. I struggle on a daily basis with each daily challenge. I miss my husband so much it hurts....I know you feel the same....."We grieve as deeply as we loved"....It is hard. Peace.

[withani]

Lauraa and Jen...count me in too! Thank God there's a website like this where you can talk to people who understand. Someone who hasn't been through this just looks right through you.... Some days the hurt is just unbearable but I know in my case with children you somehow just keep going on auto pilot...taking one day at a time. I am happy that I loved this deeply and that I was given 11 years with a man that taught me how. Hugs...CindiSue

[jlizzy]

Nancy,

My husband had cancer for 11 months, was misdiagnosed for 6 months; when

the diagnosis came it was too late to help.

So I know what it is like to watch your loved one suffer and then pass away. - I felt as though there should have been more I could do; did I do enough?

I dont know. I just feel as though I let him down somehow.

I know that I cant live in the past; but I cant help it.

I can picture him as he was before the cancer and how he was during

the whole ordeal. I cant get his picture out of my mind, even though

others are telling me to get with the present, I dont ever want

to lose my picture of him.

My husband was also 53 yrs old with 5 sons and 12 grandchildren. It is

the grandchildren who are pulling me through.

It was 14 months and I feel as though I am reliving it all over again.

I sit at my computer and I will turn around a lot to talk to my husband.

I think the worse thing is being alone, not with just people around,

but without your other half (the love of your life, whom you shared

so much with). I talk to him every night and throughout the day, because

there is nobody else to share my feelings with.

Hang in there everyone

God Bless

Joyce