I Miss Him So...

[computermemaw2]

What you're experiencing is grief. I've been a widow for five years and at first I couldn't remember anything-one day I was driving home from work and totally forgot where I lived! I could read because I found I kept reading a sentence over and over and couldn't remember what it said, I couldn't watch tv because I couldn't concentrate. Supermarkets playing those songs-well I cried. I cried in the drugstore when I was picking up medicine. And I thought I was losing my mind. I didn't want to go to bed because now it was so big and empty, I used to keep his shirt on his pillow and spray his cologne on it so I could smell him. Then I didn't want to wake up because at first I could pretend he was still alive and then suddenly it would hit he wasn't and I had to get through another day. I talked to Craig alot, for some reason he was always up in the ceiling in a corner of my bedroom. I always looked up when I talked to him. And I began journaling writing letters to him about my day because it made me feel more like when he was alive and we shared about our days. Since I worked during the week, coming home on a Friday was the worst. It meant an entire weekend. So I would do things like obsessively clean so I'd be exhausted by Saturday night. So no, none of you are going crazy.

This is me in every line. It's been 2 years and 18 days since I lost my husband of 33 years. He was 54. 2 weeks away from his 55th birthday. And passing on 1 Jan 04. New Year's Day. I couldn't tell you anything that happened to me that first year. It was like I was in a fog. I was on automatic. I got up in the morning, showered, dressed, and went to work. Every morning I said "good morning baby; I hope you have a good day." as I went into work. There I was forced to concentrate on my job--a job that now provided my only means of income, so I couldn't afford to mess up on it. It was probably and still is my saving grace. Without it to keep me occupied during the day, I'd go nuts. Coming home in the evenings is still the hardest thing for me to do--I silently begin crying the whole way home. Not racking sobs as in the beginning, just silent tears falling down my face. Still after all this time. And I talk to him, tell him of my day. Now I'm coming home to an empty house. I still have my husband's truck because I just can't bare to part with it. Not yet. I see his truck in the driveway and my heart grows sad. I've also tended to stay within myself now, prefering at this time to be by myself. I almost resent couples. I guess I'm still trying to discover who I am now. The person I was died with my husband. I don't know that entering the second year has been any easier. In fact, I'd say it was more painful. Because now, I'm coming out of the fog. Now it's hitting home that this is real, it's not a dream, and Eddy isn't coming back home. I can't look to a future--I don't have one yet. It's too painful and especially frightening right now to think that of the number of years I might have ahead of me without my loved one. I'm trying to stay off the meds now for depression and anxiety attacks. But I may have to go back on the anxiety meds for a bit longer since I still will have the occasional bout of unexpected racking sobs and anxiety attacks. We'll see. I think what bothers me most right now is the fact that I haven't had one dream of my husband in all this time. And that frightens me. Am I forgetting him? Or is it still too painful for me to remember that he had his heart attack in front of me, the look of puzzlement and bewilderment on his face, the sound of his pain, that my mind is just shutting visions of him out? I talk to him every day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I see something and find myself saying things like "Eddy would you look at that?" Or "Well good grief, look what they've built today Eddy--who'd believe it?" But I get no answers. I struggle to keep my faith, to try to believe that I'll be reunited with him later, when it's my turn to pass. I don't fear death any more--I actually long for it now. But I don't entertain the idea of killing myself. Only because some of the afterlife books have said a soul would have to come back again to finish learning what lessons it needed to. I don't know what I believe any more, but I do have a strong sense that there's a higher power, being, God, whatever out there. And, at the momement, I struggle to try and keep faith that I will be reunited with my husband again, when it's my turn to pass, because if I didn't hold onto that thought, I don't think I could continue living. There have been some moments where I can bring up a memory of my husband and smile, sometimes even laugh. From everything I've read, and heaven knows I've spent a small fortune buying almost every new age book and books on grief published, grieving can be a long process, and it's different for each individual. Strange that I was able to clean out the closet, yet I still haven't been able to attempt the dresser drawers. Everytime I open one of his drawers, I begin to cry, then I just shut the drawer and walk away. Not yet, I'm not ready yet. I've only just been able to start sleeping in our bed after sleeping on the couch for all this time. Sleeping--that's a joke. I've accepted that I'm only going to dose in spurts, accepted that when I can't sleep I'll get up and clean out a cubboard or closet. You'd think my house would be spotless--yet I find I'm still so disorganized that I finally gave in and bought a small notebook that I carry in my purse with notes to myself--pay this bill, stop at this particular store, get gas, etc. It's like my brain's shorting out. I laughed reading that BarbaraGurl54 said one day she couldn't rememer where she lived. I came home from work one day and couldn't rememer how to pull my car into the garage. So I finally got out and left it in the driveway. I forget to pay bills--something I've never done before. When I realize that my feeling is "oh well". I feel like I don't know who I am any more. Everyone says it'll get better--we learn to accept this new life that's suddenly been thrust upon us. My trouble right now is that I was enjoying my old life. Remember the movie Sleepless in Seattle--where the husband says "well, every morning I get up and tell myself to breathe, and one of these days maybe it'll get to the point where I won't have to tell myself to breathe." That's what I do now. I get up and tell myself "just concentrate on today, just get through today." That's what we've each got to do. Sadly, life goes on when we lose someone. I just hate the part that makes me have to take his name off the checking account or charge card, and every other thing where both our names were mentioned. I hate that I feel like each deletion of his name from something makes me feel like I'm wiping out his existence. Gayle

[aprilmoonflower]

bubupig and nan- I'm so sorry ((hugs))

I am feeling so sorry for myself this morning. I have been a little depressed latley but overall coping as well as I can. just reading your posts here help so much cause I know I'm not alone., even though I feel that way,I just feel SO alone some days. I have 2 babies to raise alone now and the rest of my life to live alone. I kind of feel like I've lost my soul and my identity right now. not to mention I am scared to death. sigh.. it's so hard to just get through the day sometimes.

btw does anyone have any great book suggestions on grief/healing/etc without a religious slant?

[hurleyta]

Aprilmoonflower,

I can relate to the feeling like your soul and identity is lost right now. I feel that way too... I wonder if I will ever feel whole again??? I just wish that I had a little more time with James, but he will never be here again... I am scared that I will never feel again. Things that I used to love are the last things that I want in my life right now. I pray to feel better, some day, but for today, I know that I need to continue living and breathing and some days that is all that I can handle, some times it is more than I can handle...

Trish

[bubupig]

Everything you all say is exactly how I feel too right now. I feel that my soul has been broken and that I am nothing anymore. An empty shell going thru the motions when I can. I’m not even living anymore. I loved my life with Craig and felt so blessed each day with him. None of the little things bothered me because I had Craig and how lucky was I. Now I possibly can’t understand how the hell I’m supposed to go on “living” for who know’s how many years without Craig by my side. I feel there is no future for me anymore. I don’t want to be close to anyone ever again because there is no way possible I could handle loosing someone else close to me. I am even shutting out my family. I used to be terrified of dying because I didn’t want to leave Craig, but now that Craig is gone, dying no longer terrifies – why should it. It would bring me peace from the hell I am currently living in.

I feel no joy in anything anymore, nothing brings me peace or comfort. I hate seeing other couples together, even my own parents who have been blessed to have had 35 years together so far. I just look at these people and think why are you so special that you get to be together. My relationship with Craig was special but why don’t I get to grow old with him. Why do I have to be different to the “norm”. Why do I deserve the punishment of having to go on without Craig?

I feel no hope, am alone and lonely, am angry for what other people have. I’ve never been an envious person but know I am. I’m envious of the love people still get to share with other. Of having their husband/partner come home to them each day. Of having someone to love you, hold you at night, go to bed with, wake up beside, to have someone to make you feel better. To have your soul mate by your side each day you wake. Life just feels so desolate now, I feel like there is no colour in the world, just darkness. I just feel so lost.

I am having trouble in what to believe in about the afterlife, but have to believe that craig is around me and that I will see him upon my death. Like you Gayle, if I didn’t hold onto this one belief I don’t think I could continue living. It’s the sole thought that keeps my going.

I too feel like my brain/memory has gone now, I forget everything, and I never used to be like that. I forget how to do something, to pay bills, to shower, to eat, a multitude of things. Which is why I too bought a diary to make little notes for myself. But then it can still take me a week or more to actually get around to doing my little notes. Plus I’ve also got the whiteboard to remind me of the “normal” things I need to do each day – showering, eating, getting out of bed, etc, etc. I have to remind myself each day “just breathe”. I have to simplify my life to just this one not so simple task. Because some days, if I try to contemplate anything other than breathing, I feel like I’m going to explode, that I’ll just bust because I can’t take it anymore.

I talk to Craig each day, and write to him most days too. Telling him about my day. I just have too. I don’t want him to be forgotten you know. I haven’t changed our bank accounts or anything like this yet. Because I feel that then to the world, Craig will cease to have ever existed once his name has been wiped from everything. Craig will never cease to exist for me. He will live on in my memory and my heart and my soul until my dying day. Since Craig has died, I actually went and got his name tattooed on my wrist. I did it on the one month anniversary of his death. I guess it’s my way of ensuring he will never cease to exist with the world at large. When family and friends see it, they will be reminded that Craig did live, and should be remembered. And when strangers ask about it, I can relate the story of a wonderful man, who is my soul mate.

Though grief is apparently a different journey for each of us, the basics of grief are the same, I feel, no matter who you are. And I think basically, we all had to have been courageous people before the death of our loved ones, because we have had to use that courage now to be courageous, to still be here dealing with the hurt, pain, anger, desolation and the other multitude of things, and mostly for fighting with ourselves each and every single day just to breathe.

I hope today is not so painful for all of you, and that the grey clouds lift a little to let some sunshine through.

Becky

[carriebee]

Dear Becky,

Kevin's death is still very fresh and I feel and have felt many of the same things you have. Seeing other couples bothers me, just knowing that our plans to marry and have a family will never come true just sucks...for lack of a better word. I miss him all the time and today is especially sad, I don't know why. I want him to be here so much, to share things with me, to hug him, or to tell him I love him.

You have to try to get through each day as best as you can. For many people, just taking a shower is a huge ordeal. If you can get up, take a shower, have some breakfast, and get outside a bit (even if it's a quick trip to the store), you need to know that he would want you to do that. I know that Kevin would not want me to be inactive and to stay inside or keep to myself.

Writing to him is great, I write Kevin and have bought cards for him, even though I know he won't get them. Talking is good too. You can do that at any time and any where, he's listening for sure.

Thank god you had such good memories of the two of you. Imagine the people who don't and how empty they must feel in so many aspects. Craig is in your heart and soul and that will be forever.

[bubupig]

Carriebee,

I am sorry for your Kevin's death. It is so hard for the people left behind to go on. It is a daily struglle. I'm sorry that today is especially sad for you, this is all apart of the cycle of grief we are currently travelling on. Sometimes I feel the hurt so deeply, other days a little, other days I'm numb, and different little things can trigger the grief for me. I find it is the unexpected things I have no control over that suprise me the most. I'm sure Kevin is still with you and you are right, they would both want us to carry on and not become inactive and hermits. Some days this is hard though. I think though that when we have the "bad or sad" days we need to go with it and not block it out, but on these days we can also try to do something little for ourselves to lessen the hurt just a little. If I'm feeling particularly bad I will run myself a bath, put in some relaxing essential oils, and lay in there for about an hour - I'll have a good cry usually, but will just try and think of all the things to be thankful for. Though it is terrible for us to have lost our soul mates, I still think we need to be grateful we atleast got to meet them and be thankful for the love we shared. I know that I would rather have met Craig and lost him than have never have met him, otherwise I would never have experienced true love nor met my soul mate. What Kevin and Craig brought to our lives is so special and precious, and we are lucky that they chose to share themselves with us. Try to remember this when it gets particularly hard. I know it is difficult though because we know what we are missing but I'm still glad I had Craig, even if for a short time. I don't know if you feel like this, but I know when Craig was alive we felt like we'd been together an eternity. It's not the quantity of time you get to spend with someone but the quality. I would rather have had 4 fantastic years with Craig, the most wonderful time of my life, than 50 years without ever having known him.

Just know that you'll get thru today, don't think about tomorrow or the future, just do what you need to to get thru today. And always remember that Kevin loves you and is with you and that you are a wonderful person for Kevin having chosen you. Have you ever thought about the fact that Kevin got to spend the rest of his life, though short, with you? And that the years of his life with you were the happiest he's ever experienced? I think this about Craig and it brings me a small measure of peace.

Take care Carribee, I'm thinking of you and sending you big hugs from Australia.

[aprilmoonflower]

I used to be terrified of death too. I have had a couple of hospitalizations in the last 2 years though (both involving hospital tranfers) so I just thought it was anziety over all that until DH died now it's completley lifted. I almost feel like I we both had a 6th sense feeling that DH & I both knew he would be leaving this world way too soon. we've had many converations about "what would happen if..."more so, in the last couple of years. even a couple weeks before he died he had askewd me if I would remarry if he died..just weird stuff. it is quite erie to me and family members now. I have always felt our life together was too good to be true but I keep reminding myself we did have 8 wonderful years together and created these 2 blessings (our 22mo and 5mo). they get me through the day. though the future is just looming before me. just thinking about living my life without him hurts so much. I also keep wondering how this will change my kids. they are likely to be 2 totally different people now that he is gone. I just hope I can raise them (well) by myself and be enough for them. there's just a big hole there in my life right now.

[DeeAnn]

As I read all of our posts, the similarities in how the human spirit responds to loss is amazing. There's very few other events in life that are like that.

Aprilmoonflower, children often seem to accept death as a part of life better than many adults do. While your children have suffered such a huge loss in their lives, they are resilient. "Normal" for them will be knowing that their dad was a wonderful man who died much too early in life. For those of you who have read about near-death experiences, they often involve children. I think that's because children haven't yet learned to question the phenomenon of it all, and they accept it for what it is...an afterlife communication.

Oh the things we can learn from the young ones

DeeAnn

[jlizzy]

Hi Everyone,

Since I lost Bob June 27,2004; I see so many new people and my heart goes

out to you all. We are all joined together here and I know all of you

find the support that I have.

Everyone here understands what you are going through and they will listen

to you ramble on and on and they will support you and tell you what

has helped them during this hard time.

I have found that this has been the hardest time of my life. I will turn

60 in March and the man who was with me for 34 years, wont be with me

when I do.

I talk to him every day and night; I tell him about what is going on;

I tell him about his sons; about his grandchildren and how they are

growing up. This week, I told him about his 12 yr old grandson and his

first girlfriend. I know that he is with his family in spirit because

family meant everything to him. He will look over us and help us all

he can.

When Bob passed, he knew he was going to leave me. Many people have said

to me, "You are lucky you got to spend time with him". I tell them,

"Yes, time spent watching him suffer the way he did. So which is better?"

I truely believe that passing quickly is best because I wouldnt want

anyone to watch their spouse or anyone else suffer they way Bob did.

He didnt have many good days during his whole illness. A doctor giving

him a wrong diagnosis and not finding out for 6 months that it was wrong.

The excruciating pain all day and night. NObody being able to relieve

that pain for 7 months and then for the next 6 months trying to keep

him out of pain. False hopes given by the doctors; one saying "the

worse case is that they take a lung"; one saying, "Chemo will tell us

where the cancer started and then we treat it"; fighting the insurance

companies to get the drugs covered that Bob needed to help him.

I sit and wonder; "What if the insurance company okayed the pills

without taking 30 - 60 days; What if? Nobody helped Bob fight the pain

or cancer and he lost the biggest battle of his life.

The grief is hard no matter how you lose your loved one. Our loss is

personal; but yet has to be shared so that we can move on. There are

no answers and we have to live with that and find out why we are

here and what we should do with the rest of our life.

I am here because I have to help our sons and grandchildren: when Bob

passed, our youngest son, who was 29, thought that he would go to sleep

and not wake up; the world was ending. He was that close to his Dad

and he was devesated that his Dad was gone; the dad that nothing could

stop; the dad who was undestructable. Then there are the grandchildren.

We all learn from them. At first, only one wouldnt talk about Bob and

the others talked too much. Now, they all talk about Bob.

When Bob passed, his body was donated to science. When the cremation

remains came back; we held a service/picnic at a park. It was different.

We set up a table of Bobs pictures and his ashes and all the sympathy

cards we received. I had made up a photo album with all of Bobs photos.

Everyone said how nice it was to be able to talk about Bob casually,

not in a rented hall and be rushed out. The young kids could play in

the playground, while the adults talked. It was different, but Bob

was different. I am holding his ashes and when I pass I will be

donating my body to science and His ashes and my ashes will be taken

by our sons/grandchildren to a lake and scattered together. Bob said

this way, we would be together forever.

I am rambling, I am sorry. I didnt mean to.

For those of you who have supported me: "Thank you. You have really

helped me through a rough time:

For those of you who are new here: "You have come to the right place.

Everyone here knows and understands what you are going through. This

is where you can ramble on and on and share your feelings; and nobody

will stop you. Everyone will understand and help"

God Bless You All

Joyce

[nancy55]

Hello to everyone. I do hope you are all doing o.k. I know the heartache all of us suffer is enormous. I guess, what I find so hard to bare with..is that in one year, or two years after our loved ones are gone..the hurt is still there. I have been through 7 months of hell since losing my husband, and 3 months since losing my 41 year old brother. I keep thinking the days will get better. They don't. The hurt is still over whelming and exhausting. I can't plan ahead..or seen to enjoy much in life right now. I wish it was 5-6 years down the road and maybe I won't be so numb. I feel as though I am just existing.

I assume this will pass with time..but it's not moving fast enough. I know I have to go through the grief, not around it, but it is hard.

I certainly know there are alot of you out there suffering the same pain. With that I offer you my prayers and hope for comfort to come. I certainly feel life is unfair for us to have to suffer our losses. I am always looking for the answers I need in this life...but have to accept what has happened. God bless all of you, Nancy55

[bubupig]

Hi all,

I'm having a bad few days at the moment - I'm just so tired - just of everything. I'm just so sick of fighting each day to survive, of thinking of Craig constantly, of the intense pain i am constantly in, deep in my soul. I'm tired on feeling empty and broken and of having no future. I'm tired of having to make it thru each day, of waking up and having to make it thru each day. No one can imagine how much of a struggle it is to go on when you loose your soul mate until it happens to you, of course we all know what it's like. I'm broken and don't feel that the pieces will ever be put back together. I just wish it would all end. I wish I knew when I was going to die so I would have something to work towards, at the moment, I have no goal in sight to reach for. It's extremely difficult living in a dark world with no light, no dreams and hope for the future. I feel that I am slowly decaying from the inside out. I just don't know what to do. I just wish it would all stop.

And what makes all this worse is that tomorrow is only the 10 week anniversary of Craig's death. How can I possibly go on for years feeling like this? It just seem so uncomprehendable. I don't see the point of having to go on just to survive each day and never live again, never to have joy or happiness or light in my life. I'm just hurting so incredibly bad right now.

I feel so alone here in Australia. I feel that everyone around me has now moved on. No one really asks anymore how I'm going - or if they do, it is only a courtesy and they don't wait for an answer before changing the topic of conversation. I feel like I have no one here to confide in. I just so badly want someone to sit with me, give me a hug, some human contact and understand. To let me cry and it be alright. I hate doing this on my own. I just feel so let down by everyone and feel I no longer have anywhere to turn to. No one here understands. Everyone feels I should be doing ok now and living again. I'm just so sick of putting on the "everything's ok" face. I depended on Craig so much for everything, and now he's gone, who do I turn to? Where do I go? Who will tell me they love me, pick me up when I'm feeling down, take my hurts away, be there for me when I need them?

I'm just so tired of it all. I don't want to be here anymore.

Becky

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone~

I have been reading all of your post. I know all the feelings everyone of you speak about....."EVERYONE". None of us are crazy....we all were struck down by our losses. It is so lonely after this happens and everyone goes away...I can't even express how disappointed I am in so, so many! God forbid they ever will go thru the same....that is when they all will realize what we had to endure alone. I cannot articulate the disappointment in the numbers who did not call to talk with me....what they all don't know is the kind of love my husband and I shared. Perhaps all these "friends" haven't experienced that and couldn't possibly know about that. I can so relate to you all. It has been 20 months for me now.....I can't say it is better. I long for him back. I cry. I have anxiety. I can't sleep. I am lonely. I am angry. I am exhausted. So, as a result I will not let anyone tell me how to live or how to grieve. I am doing my grieving mostly alone and in my own way. Most times, people don't like it when I tell them the truth of how I feel and I mostly think prople can't handle the truth...ie. when someone wanted to fix me up on a date....the answer was/is, NO. I don't want to because I still have my husband in my heart so how the hell does anyone think I could see someone else???? That boggles my mind....but, this is a throw away society and instant gratification. We never marched with all the other drummers, we marched to a different beat! This grieving ebbs and flows differerntly all the time and I just go with the punches. It was deep.... The love, the loss and the grievings! Even though I am surrounded by many, I still feel alone. Alone in this great big world. Trying to find my purpose, again....but, can't imagine it without him. He is with me thru every thought. I understand the feeling of not wanting to go on but we must...for them, our children, grandchildren, a bigger puepose, etc....I still find it difficult to pray and go to a church but I have my own church and that is in my soul. One thing I think we all need to think about is if we believe in god and heaven then we have to know our loved ones are with both so we need god to comfort us in order to get to them again. I hope god has broad shoulders to carry this anger of mine...I have been assured that he does. You are all strong woman and at least we all know here that we can vent anything and it is o.k. Your all the ones that really know and understand!

Bless you all.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Lauraa,

Anger was the hardest part of grief for me. There's a book that helped me immensely, and I wanted to share it with you in case it might could also help you. The name of it is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. Others who haven't experienced the types of losses we have can't begin to know what grief is or what it can do to someone. That's what's so comforting about these boards. We can be ourselves, and we know that every person who's here understands.

Dear Becky,

****hugs*** I can so feel your pain through your words, as I'm sure many others can. On February 22, it will have been eight years since I lost my beloved Eddie. I still miss him, I still grieve for him, and I still wish every day he were still with me. But it's different now. It's SO hard to explain how grief transforms with time. One thing that takes a long time to comprehend after the loss of a partner is that you have no reference point for "normal" anymore. You have to create a new normal, and that's VERY difficult to do. I know you feel alone being in Australia, but I honestly think you would feel that loneliness no matter where you are (even if in a crowded room). It's a loneliness unlike any other, and no matter where we are or who we're with we feel the desire and/or need to be somewhere else with someone different. Nothing ever feels "right" anymore. But please trust me that that changes with time. Your grief is still so new. I hope you will trust those of us here who have been through it to now help you through it. We know how you feel, and we know it won't always hurt this bad. It's like a physical wound. At first, it's excruciatingly painful and when it's cleansed, the pain is even more intense. But that cleansing leads to healing. A scar will be left, no doubt, but healing happens. So it is with our souls and grief. Your soul has suffered the most extreme wound it could, and your soul is healing itself through the tears and all the emotional pain that goes with grieving. Please know this is a place where you can always let your true feelings be known, and know others will embrace you through those feelings. Sending you huge hugs and wishes for a better day over the miles that are somehow eliminated on this wondrous thing we call the internet.

Dear Nancy,

I remember all the times I wished for years to pass so I would feel better. And you know what? I do feel better now. My life is completely different, but I can honestly say I've found happiness. Eddie's death is a part of who I am. It helps all of us when we share our feelings, so I thank you for sharing yours. Hearing many of you helps me realize how far I've come. In turn, I hope you hearing me helps you know it won't always hurt as bad as it does now. Keep taking it one day at a time, and those years will pass quicker than you can imagine now. I know right now, a day is like a week sometimes for you. I promise, it won't always hurt so bad.

Dear Joyce,

Those milestones, such as 60th birthdays, are tough without the one we shared everything with being there to celebrate with us (although I think they are more "with us" than we know). I do understand. My Eddie died from cancer of the tongue, and it was horrific, so I understand what you mean about having to watch someone you love with all of your being slip away in front of your eyes. No words can describe that kind of pain. On the other hand, I can't imagine not having had the opportunity to say all those "last things" that those who have lost someone suddenly never had a chance to say. When you have the kind of love that we obviously shared with our partners, it's not necessary to verbally express those "last things," but I do find comfort in knowing I did. For Eddie's sake, I would have given up that opportunity to have spared him the physical suffering. In the end, sudden or over time, we have all loved and lost. And only others who have loved and lost can understand what that's like. I love the picnic you had at the park in his honor. What a wonderful idea!

***

Wishing all of you better days ahead.

DeeAnn

[nancy55]

DeeAnn, thank you. It is good to hear that maybe..just maybe this will get better. I can only pray it does. I know it's a long hard road..but I have to keep walking down it. God bless you, Nancy55

[jlizzy]

Dee Ann,

I am so glad that you posted. Friday will be 19 months and it has gone so

fast. It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost 19 months, it

seems like just yesterday that Bob passed away. Just to know that it will

be better down the road really helps me.

So many of you have helped me during this rough time. I went to a physic

last year. Before I went, I asked Bob to come through with something about

how me met: and he did. He came through with a dog and when we met, he was

walking his dog across the street from my house. I had 34 years with him

and I wouldnt have traded those years for anything in the world. When I

met him, he had two kids from his first marriage and I had one from mine.

Then we had two kids together. We shared many good times, and I treasure

those memories.

I live with my memories and try to figure out how my life should be now.

I havent figured it out yet, but it's only 19 months. When I first started

feeling better (no more depression or anxiety attacks) I felt so quilty:

how could I have any happy times; how could I laugh? But I do feel better

and I am looking for a future.

I do still cry because I miss him so very much and I will always miss him.

Because of what I have gone through with his passing, I am who I am now.

For those of you who have just lost recently, I agree with Dee Ann: it does

start to get easier. You may not think so right now, but it will.

I have read many books and of course, see my physic. I just wish that therre

was a spiritual church near me. I think that even though I cant go to my

own church, I would be able to go to a spiritual one. I do pray to God

every night asking him to take good care of Bob and all those that I have

lost in my life so far. I ask him to protect those whom I love who are

still here. And after I pray, I talk to Bob. I actually feel guilty when

I fall asleep early and dont pray.

I pray every night for all of you, that your pain gets easier quickly.

I didnt know anyone who lost their spouse (except my two aunts that are

here--but they dont express their feelings with me) so this site became

my outlet for my feelings and it is yours too.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[DeeAnn]

Dear Joyce and Everyone,

It's hard to explain "time heals," but it does. One thing someone said to me that seemed to help was to compare where you are *now* to where you were the moment your partner died. We all remember that moment of total disbelief, even though for some, it was expected. When it happens, we can't believe it really did, and the pain is nearly unbearable. Do you remember that pain? I know you all do. Look how far you've come from *that* point to today. Each day will heal you more.

This is a weird thought, but I think ya'll can appreciate it. I *often* think that my Eddie knows all of your partners who are on the other side with him. I sometimes think they know our needs so well, they inspire us to say whatever it is we may say here. I know there's times I've posted and not even really understood why I was saying something I said and apologized for rambling. Only to find out later, it was just what someone needed to hear. Coincidence? You can all decide for yourselves

**hugs** to all of you! It does get better...

DeeAnn

[bubupig]

Hello everyone,

I have to say that the things you have all shared here and are experiencing ring true for me as well.

I feel so close to all of you yet have never met any of you - I am so thankful I have found this site and have been able to share your pain and my own - thank you so much. I always find that I feel better after reading something one of you has said - I often cry also after reading your posts too, but am so glad that I am not alone and there are people out there that completely understand. I think that to go thru something like this, you do become wiser and stronger, and I know we all need to be picked up and carried on for a moment, just to help us regain our strength to fight another day. Everyone here picks me up in my lowest moments, again thank you.

It helps hearing from you DeeAnn, when you have been on this journey for 8 years to know there is life after this and that it is possible to go on and that the grief doesn't kill you. I often look back to how I felt when Craig initially died and know I have changed alot from then - the grief is different - some days it's a better different other days it's unbearable, but I'll just have to keep going. I just can't let Craig down.

Joyce - I am so happy for you that at 19 months, you do feel better and are looking for a future, though you don't know yet what that may be. I can only hope that I too feel like this at that stage.

Lauraa - I completely understand what your saying - it's how I feel at the moment. I too am going thru this alone and doing things my way. Everyone has stopped coming around, calling. I currently feel like I must have a disease the way people are staying away in droves. It saddens me however at the end of the day, I know that the people still around me in a years time or 5 years time, are those that truly care about me and though they don't understand what I'm going thru, they've tried there best and have just been there if I needed them. The people that are no longer walking with me then, I think it is there loss that they couldn't bother. I know it is hard for people to know what to say but as I keep saying to friends and family that say this to me, it is better for them to phone/drop in/email saying "don't know what to say to you but I do want you to know I'm thinking of you". Something is better than ignoring it and doing nothing.

I hope each of us finds some peace today and just a moments relief from our grief. Each one of us is priveledged to have shared our lives with our soul mates, even if that time was cut short. I prefer to have had 4 years with Craig than to have had none at all, to have experienced such happiness even though now I must experience such saddness. I wouldn't give up our time together for anything.

Becky

[melissa1026]

Becky

I like you find comfort on this site. I don't know where I would be right now if not for the words of comfort here. I still have my husband with me although I don't know for how long. He had an extremely hard night last night and has told me he is tired being so ill. I stay in knotts all the time my stomach is mess and sometimes I think I am losing my mind. Along with dealing with my husbands illness my brothrer committed suicide on Dec 14th. I am trying to come to grips with that and my husband tells me he understands why he did it .. I have talked about this with my husband and know that he will not do this since it has hurt me so much with my brothters death... I still try to convince my husband that we will keep trying and find a dr that can maybe help him, although no one so far has given any hope. I don't give up... but i am tired. I try to stay so upbeat for him and all i want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere where no one knows where i am .

Again this site helps. I can at least express myself here without anyone telling me to get over it... i have people around me that have no idea what my life is like. they have no idea what it's like to wake up each morning and not know if this is his last day... i just keep coming here to vent and express.

I sometimes feel like i shouldn't come here since my husband is still here. but i have no where else to go.. and i have found such comfort here in knowing that i am not alone.

Joyce has been thru this and has helped me alot. I wish each and everyone one of us peace today. I am so sad that there are so many hurting like this. I am just glad I have this site so that I can keep it together, at times i don't feel that i can. I come here and get the strength I need to go thru another day of not knowing.

I too feel like I know people here more than I do people around me. We can express our feelings and not feel like we'll be judged by anything we say.

To all of you here My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.

Melissa

[aprilmoonflower]

wow so many replies to this thread latley! I can't hardly keep up! I just want to say I identify with each and every one of you that post here. I really appreciate this board and all of you.

Melissa-of course you should be here if you feel it's what you need! I am thinking of you. what a difficult time you are having and have gone through with your brother. wishing you peace & sending strength.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Melissa,

I was Eddie's caregiver for 10 months, and I can so relate to how you feel and what you're going through. I would have had it no other way than to have been the one to take care of him, as I'm sure you feel about your husband, but caregiving is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. Not to mention the grief you're feeling over your brother's suicide.

Don't ever give up hope. Without that, we have nothing. There's always hope for better days. I'm glad you're a part of our board. Take care...

DeeAnn

[nancy55]

Melissa, of course this is the place to be. I also lost my brother, Oct 21. He was only 41 and died unexpectedly. My husband died on June 21. So, I had 2 losses that have hit me. I also was a caregiver to my husband. It is the hardest job I have ever had! And I am a nurse by profession. But, the emotional, and mental, and physical job of caring for a dying loved one is the greatest pain there is. To look at that person daily and not know what is ahead is troubling. It drains your soul. It rips your heart out every minute. I feel for you. The loss of a sibling is enormous...because you have known that person ALL your life. I wish you peace and comfort. Vent anytime you want here. God bless you, Nancy55

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

I have been feeling really depressed lately and I would like to ask all of you today to pray for me in hopes that it will lift alittle...I have been overwhelmed lately and haven't wrote alot here but I think of all of you as family and keep you all in my heart......I have always believed in the power of prayer but since loosing my husband and both parents in 6 months I find it difficult so I would appreciate it if you all could help me today.

I'll write later...off to work.

[bubupig]

Melissa - I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and for the daily difficulties and uncertainities you are facing with your husband. You should definately be posting here - if it is bringing you strength it is the right thing to do. We are always here to lend an ear. Make sure you take care of yourself as well. I'll be thinking of you and your husband. I hope today is ok for you.

Laura - I too am feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed the past few days - I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on and I can't find a reason for me to. At the moment each day seems like such a struggle for me and it seems that the daily hill is getting steeper and steeper. I don't know what I believe in spiritually anymore, but you are in my thoughts and I am sending you hugs and peace from Australia.

Today has been a really bad day for me. It started off ok but then i decided to tidy up the shed and ended up coming across a whole heap of things that brought back memories of the stuff Craig and I did together. I sat there crying and crying and crying like a banshee and haven't really stopped for hours. I found one of Craig's old wallets that he used in the UK before we came to Australia and it had all his old Video cards etc from UK and tucked in where money would normally be was a folded up note I had written him 3 1/2 years ago. It just touched my heart deeply. I had forgotten all the little things we had kept over the past 4 years - ticket stubs, little souveniers, etc, so many things that triggered memories buried deep within me. I just hurt so badly today. I can't stop crying. I have no one here I can talk to and it is making it so hard - no one understands here. I just feel so alone and have no physically around me to lean on right now. Craig was always my rock and now I am just so lost. I have no one here to pick me up each time I fall down and push me on, no one to give me strength when I need it. I am just finding it so hard being at home alone all the time with no support here. I just have no energy left and there is nothing in reserve. If I didn't have this site to come to I don't know what I'd do.

[DeeAnn]

Laura....You will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers in a special way. Some days are worse than others, and we don't even know why sometimes...they just are. I'm glad you posted, and I hope things get better for you soon.

bubupig...One of the hardest things for me after Eddie died was going out to his workshop. It was *his* space, and even after his death, I felt I was invading it somewhat. It was very painful to be there, but at the same time, I felt a special closeness to him there. For me, I usually did okay with the big stuff, but it was the small things that got me. I remember running across his slippers probably six months after he died. I just cried for probably an hour.

I hope all of you will have a good weekend and hope for better times ahead. Take care...

DeeAnn

[melissa1026]

Laura

My heart goes out to you, I wonder sometimes just how we are suppose to overcome the sadness.. I guess being here is the best place to start.. You have had so much sadness that it seems almost unbearable. Hold on to the happy thoughts that you have and take care of yourself.

Thanks to all of you here, you have been my salvation on numerous occasions. There is such over whelming sadness it all of our lives. It just helps to know that we are not alone in this.

Becky, thank goodness for the internet. Now at least you can talk with us no matter how far away you are. When reading your threads it seems like you are here with the rest of us. I am sorry for you sadess and loss. It does seem like no one around knows how we feel and we must come here to feel accepted. I guess friends just don't know what to say. And usually if they do it's something stupid like you should be over it. well i for one don't think i will ever get over the suicide of my brother. And dealing with the health issues of my husband are a daily baisis, so that is always on my mind. I wonder how they think we can just put it away. evidently they have never been thru what we are going thru and i hope for they're sake they never do.

Nancy, Laura, DeAnn, Becky I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. And you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Along with all the others that are facing such sadness.

Melissa

[njgirl361]

Hi everyone.....I can't believe I haven't posted in so long...my computer has been down and now I'm back to work and using this computer. I'm so sorry to hear of all your heartaches and pain. There have been so many new developments here....it's heartwrenching. I've been so so busy with the baby..he's two months already and certainly the light of my life (and of course my other 3 boys as well). When Mark 1st died (4 months ago) I was 7 months pregnant and couldn't imagine having this baby without him...now I thank God everyday for giving him to me. The baby has helped so much through this tragedy and time of grieving. I couldn't look at his birth in that way before he was born. I can only wish for all of you that there is something out there to help your pain subside. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers..........Michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele I am glad to hear you are doing ok (whatever that is!) sounds like your babe is helping you heal. I am right here with you!

anyway I am wondering do any of you have problems with your spouses family? if so what did you do? mine are driving me nuts. to the point where I am distancing myself from them. I feel guilty about it but I don't know what else to do! they are constatntly hounding me about what I "need" to do and causing me undue anxiety and stress..sometimes I feel like they don't even know the real me (or care to)it's just annoying. anyway just looking for advice.

[bubupig]

Aprilmoonflower - yes I do have problems with my spouses family and they were driving me nuts as well - they were really harrassing me phoning at all hours of the day and night all the time - craig's scottish and we live in australia but all his family are in the uk (which in a way is a small relief because then they can't just drop in!). Craig's family really bring me down emotionally and I end up extremely depressed whenever I speak to them -they always make a point of pointing out all i'm missing out on etc and feel the need to reduce me to tears when they talk to me. I ended up getting my mum to email them all telling them that I am going to be away for 6 weeks at the advice of my doctor and will be unable to be contacted during this time. They have respected this and not attempted contact since I went away on my "holiday". I am hoping that the 6 weeks will get them out of their bad habits and they might back off a bit. I didn't want to put them offside as they are craig's family and felt that this small lie was the easiest way in getting them to back off without completely upsetting them.

I guess you could try with your inlaws to say you need a couple of weeks space to deal with things and could they please refrain from calling etc for a couple of weeks. that you need to get things sorted out in your mind. Not sure how close your inlaws are to you so whether you can say you will be away visiting someone or something for a week or two?

I feel that we are the last link for them to their son/brother/nephew etc (in their view) and they feel closer to our passed partner by talking/harassing us.

Craig's family have never asked how I'm doing financially or anything or if i'll even loose our home - to me it feels like they are only concerned with themselves, which I understand to a degree, however if they ever cared for their son and me, i believe that this should be a concern to them - it has been to everyone else around me. Craig's family came out for the funeral and stayed for 2 weeks so they saw everything and know we have a mortgage etc but specifically avoid talking about this. Plus, Craig's family had basically severed contact with him when we moved to Australia 3 years ago and called maybe once a year or not at all - craig had to chase them, plus they never sent him presents or cards for birthdays, xmas, yet this xmas just past, first one without craig, i get sent xmas presents and cards from them all, my parents and brother get sent xmas presents and cards from them all as well as some of my aunty's/uncles. I know they feel guilty now about how they treated craig but it certainly doesn't make me feel any better by them bringing me down.

They are very frustrating and I don't like lying to them BUT for my sanity, it was necessary and I have to say it has been such a relief to me not having them calling me and bringing me down - after all, I can make myself feel like crap all on my own!

I hope this helps you.

Take care,

Becky

[aprilmoonflower]

thanks so much for the advice Becky. it helps knowing I'm not alone here with this! they just stress me out at times! I just sometimes wonder why they didn't care so much before he died? and what's up with the advice? I'm sick of getting advice from those who have no clue what my life is like. I have some anger to deal with I guess...sigh.

[carriebee]

I hope each of us finds some peace today and just a moments relief from our grief. Each one of us is priveledged to have shared our lives with our soul mates, even if that time was cut short. I prefer to have had 4 years with Craig than to have had none at all, to have experienced such happiness even though now I must experience such saddness. I wouldn't give up our time together for anything.

Becky

Dear Becky

It's weird how we've all said things in this forum that the others are thinking. I completely agree with what you say here, I wouldn't trade the three years I had with Kevin for anything in the world. Lately, it's been hard for me and I've missed Kevin so much more these past two weeks. I really feel sad and I feel pulled down, like gravity is hanging on me and that it shows, especially in my face. I don't cry alot, I get teary often, and it's almost like the crying part is "right there" but isn't ready to come out yet.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Becky and Carrie....

It sounds like both of ya'll are possibly getting to that place where you're realizing you still have a relationship with your partner. It's *quite* different than it was before, but they are still with us and remain with us forever. It seems like when we first lose them, we feel we've lost *everything* (and in many ways, we have). But our memories can be sustaining. NO ONE can take them away from us. I, too, have asked myself, "would I give up the time we had together to not feel the pain of grief?" No way! We've all been so so blessed in this life. We've known love that many never know in a lifetime.

I wish all of you continued healing, peace, and better days ahead...

DeeAnn

[hurleyta]

I have been reading some of your posts. I know that I will ALWAYS have my memories with James and I also know that I will always miss him and have the emptiness that once was completely filled. I also know that even though James died at age 39, I got to spend the rest of his life with him. I would not give that up for anything. I thank God that I got to know him and love him and spend the time I was able to with him.

I feel lost and alone, but I don't feel any regrets about the time that I got to spend with the Man I love, my soul mate.

Trish

[Guest Guest]

Hello, I have been reading through these posts, and in one way or another, your posts stike a cord with me. I lost my husband and our 3yr old son one year ago, at the hands of a drunken driver. Every waking moment of every day is a struggle. I no longer "live" my days, I merely exist through them. My heart and thoughts are with each and everyone who walks the same path of loss as I do.

Strength to all....Heather.

[nancy55]

Guest, I can't imagine the pain you have to had suffered..and still do. I do understand your statement of existing..as that's how I feel. I wish you well, peace and comfort. This is a nightmare no one should suffer..losing our loved one. God bless, Nancy55

[iocasti]

Dear Heather,

your story is one of the hurdest i ve heard in this site....Time heals..they say....what keeps me up, in my difficult days is the knowledge that for sure someday i ll pass away too...no matter what tomorrow brings....smiles, tears, one day i ll be gone too as my husband did and i ll maybe know why things happen or at least i ll stop fighting for my everyday....Anyway after a year my husband passed away days are much better for me..and most of the days..i am trying to live a normal life. I wish to you comfort and peace.....Iocasti

[DeeAnn]

Dear Heather...

***hugs*** I can *only* imagine what it must be like to lose a loved one in the way you did. And losing your husband and child at the same time must be completely overwhelming. I'm glad you shared with us here. You have so much to offer those who have been through a similar experience. Just knowing someone else has gone through it can bring some level of comfort. I think that's what these boards are all about. Please let us know how things are going for you.

DeeAnn

[njgirl361]

Heather - I can't say I can imagine the pain you're going through....I too had my own loss recently - however, losing a child is unimaginable to me...and my heart goes out to you. I lost my fiance on 10/1/06 to a heart attack and I was 7 months pregnant with his child (who is now 2 months old). It was the most painful thing I could imagine and I felt like ending it myself.....we (the ones left behind) have it the hardest...your little boy and husband are at peace and they are together....hopefully you can be strong and get through life with some kind of peace...just remember we will all see our loved ones again....but not until we are done with our work here. Michele

[Guest Guest]

I too know how everyone here feels I just lost my love one just 2 weeks ago. everyday is a struggle, I dont know how I am going on I want him here with me every moment of the day. we were together for 18 years and never been apart and now my heart is torn apart i cry everynight hoping he would walk in the door, but i know deep down that is not so

how will i go on without him my love my freind my partner. i miss you so. I know he didnt want me to cry for him but that is all i do. his loss is so heavy on my heart that at times i wish i could be with him but our kids is what is holding me here on this earth

[121235]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved partner. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away your pain. But I know from experience that\'s not possible. Please know that you are not alone and that there are those of us who are in different stages of the grief process who know the intense pain, heartache and loneliness that occurs when you lose the love of your life. You just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and see him beside you and have your life back.

My heart and prayers are with you and your children during this difficult time. I wish I could offer you comfort by telling you it gets less intense because it does. But when my love was gone just 2 weeks I could not hear it when people told me that. So I will tell you what helps me get through the loss of my love of 25 years. One minute, hour, day at a time. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your beloved partner.

Peace be with you.

[hurleyta]

Dear Guest,

I am pretty new to the grieving process myself. I lost my fiancee on 11/12/2005. It was 3 months ago today that I found him dead in our home. I miss him terribly and often wonder how I am going to make it without him. But it is true, I have to take my life "One day at a time" for without trying to live like this, I would not be able to cope and go on. I have a good job and go to work every day, as it is the only time that I can escape from the pain I feel when I am here in our home. We were suppose to be married this year, so it is hard to understand why instead of walking down an isle to marry him, I had to stand in an isle and greet people telling me that they are "sorry for my loss"... I am going through some really emotional times and it is not easy, this I know. But I also know that James would not want me to just sit and cry from him every day. He loved life and what it had to offer. He is a good man that made me VERY happy and when I was sad or scared, he found ways to make it all better. I know that when I get my saddest now or the anxiety seems to get to be too much, he is with me to help me through.

I went to some group therapy for a little bit and this helped me to get through those first weeks. I don't have any children, but James had 4. My family and his are very supportive and loving and I am close to them all. They are a huge help as well.

I know that people say things get easier with time, but to me, I just am not feeling it yet, I have faith and hope that some day I will... I believe that everything happens for a reason and that one day it will all be revealed. Without this, James death would just be a senseless act...

Be kind to yourself and get enough rest. I know that some days I am so exhausted I feel like I am going to collapse.

Trish

[kcnapiers]

thank you all for your response i forgot to update my profile iam the guest that lost her partner just 2 weeks ago. It helps me alot to know I am not alone, I feel alone, this nightmare will never end, a friend told me to have a cup of coffee every morning with him in his Jeff gorden cup and that does help some I say good morning CHRIS everytime i take a sip and i love you please help me through this day.

Some how i make it, the kids keep me strong but they will all be moving out soon and then i will be bymelf again, will i ever find love like that again,,,,,,,,,,,,,NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i miss and love you chris

[DeeAnn]

Dear Trish and Kcnapiers,

I, too, lost the love of my life and felt as you do now. It's been almost eight years since Eddie died in my arms, and I still miss him every day. I can tell you the missing feels different now. It's very difficult to explain how time heals, but it does. We will never "get over" these losses, but you do learn to incorporate them in with your life experiences, and it just becomes a part of who you are. What helped me the most in those early months was that I was in group and individual therapy, read many books, and wrote in a journal. More than anything, these boards helped me heal. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone and that others empathize and sympathize with your intense feelings of loss.

I hope you both will continue visiting the boards and sharing with us how you're doing and what you're doing to cope. Kcnapiers, I still often have a cup of coffee with Eddie I wish you peace...

DeeAnn

[kcnapiers]

DeAnn,

Thanks for the support, I never thought about a journel I will have to try that oncethe tears stop so i can see again, just got back from changing names on bills and that was the hardest thing to do. I will drink a cup of coffee for your Eddie also along with my Chris

Kathy

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone......

Sorry I haven't been here in awhile, I have had alot of serious issues that needed my immediate attention. I think of you all often and have you all in my heart and prayers. I wanted to share something that a dear soul recently said to me when I told her that I still cry everyday for my husband (It will be 21 months tomorrow). She said, "that is so beautiful because that means the Holy Spirit is with you when your crying".....I think of that all the time now and I feel consoled and not so alone. It makes me think that the Lord will not abandon those of us who mourn. I do think my husband and all of yours are in the most beautiful place imaginable and I think that is what all of us here have to hold onto.....they are waiting for us! Just wait! Keep feeding your souls as difficult as it is....We are not alone! Bless you all!

[DeeAnn]

Dear kcnapiers and lauraa...

I agree with the lady who told you that, Laura. I've found tears can be the most healing thing for me sometimes. They must be heaven-sent

I hope ya'll are having a good day. Let us know how things are going...

DeeAnn

[kcnapiers]

Dear Lauura,

That is so beautiful of what she said, never thought og it that way, and yes Deann they are heaven sent

[hurleyta]

If crying is healing, I am gonna have to remind myself of that. I cry EVERY day and I do feel some what better when it is done. My parents think that I need to "grow up" as my mom puts it, but I told her that when she looses someone that the really "loves" she will understand what I am going through. I know that they are just worried about me, for some days I walk around the house in tears and to them they hate to see me so upset. They are here with me until early April. I love this, for when they leave, I will really be alone and that is not something that I am looking forward to.... Don't get me wrong, I love being by myself, at times, but I also like the feeling of noise and the human touch that is here...

I pray that you all find some peace this weekend. I am having a hard time, as I finally got James autopsy report and his final death certificate back yesterday... It felt like I was reliving the "worst day of my life" all over again. Of course this am, after crying myself to sleep, I woke up feeling a little more peace. At least I know what happened and don't have to keep on wondering.... He died of an accidental overdose, actually it is classified as "Multiple Drug Intoxication"... So sad and he was only 39 years young...

Take care and God Bless,

Trish

[kcnapiers]

Dear Trish,

I know the feeling of being all alone, for my 19 year old daughter promissed her dad that she would not move out for sometime, well he has only been to the lord for 3 weeks now and she moved out a week ago, it was hard at first, but be strong and it will come, I am a strong woman people tell me, but my Chris comes to me in my dreams. He has told me not to dwell on things and to go on living for he will always be here.

That made me relize that I must live. I feel quilty for I have stopped crying for him we were together for 18 years, but another part of me says go ahead and have the fun that you want for he would not be mad.

Life is a long and at times it can be short live each day as it would be your last, Chris always said that to me, so I am sure that this is what he would want me to do.

they never leave you

Kathy

[hurleyta]

Kathy,

I know exactly what you mean. James comes to me, often and it is almost like we have this wonderful life now that although we did have a good life here together, it just feels like he is here with me, always and will always be. I am in NO WAY ready to move on and be with another man. I feel that if and when the time comes, James will let me know that it will be alright. I know that he would want for me to continue living and also that he is here with me every step of the way... I miss him so very much. I have a picture that was taken of us 2/19/05... We look so happy together. Now he is on another realm, but he is still with me. I am sad and some times selfish in the fact that I don't want to completely let him be at peace. I want him to keep on taking care of me. BUT when I think about it, he probably is at peace still taking care of me and helping to "guide" me in the right direction. Just isn't physical with me...

Trish

[Guest Guest]

My husband passed away 8 months ago. I don't think I will ever get my life together again. We had been married over 34 years. He had two different types of cancer in the last 12 years of his life. He passed away at home comfortably and also I thank God for Hospice. My family, especially me and my two daughters, have been so accustomed to taking care of him it is very hard. I see him everywhere I look and feel his presence every day. I miss him so.

I have gained weight,I can not sleep, I seem to have more physical problems than I ever had in my whole life. My youngest is at college and my sister wants me to move to her house many states away and my older daughter wants me to move in with her so she can get a job and I would babysit.

I just want to keep my present job until I can retire and see if I can pay off some of the many bills I owe from all the years of doctors and medicine.I have alot of decisions yet to make and may need alot of help. Thanks for listening.