I Miss Him So...

[121235]

Dear Lauraa,

I have found that God or Spirit or Higher Power is the only constant - my life and situation and I may change but the peace I can find in my center, i.e., God or Spirit is always there. I see the difference in my grieving when I try to do it alone compared to times I sit quietly and look for my peace and feel centered and stay in the moment. And I never feel abandoned at that moment. I should do it more often but that would require more change in me and I am not ready yet.

I hope my expereince helps you.

Karen

[hurleyta]

Laura,

I know that you are right and James mom is grieving. I am just always the one that has to fix the broken and I am so lost in trying to help everyone else with their grief. I sometimes think that if I can fix others, I will not be hurting so bad myself. Silly, hey????? I just hate to see anyone hurting. I have been hurt so many times in my life and now that I am hurting more than ever before, I am trying to make others not feel so bad... Guess that is why God left me and took James first???

I am just so greatful to all of you here. I have said this before, but I really am... I can be so sad and feel so alone and then I come here and realize that I have this safe haven to vent and talk and respond to others...

Take care and hugs to all,

Trish

[jlizzy]

Hi Everyone,

We all made it through the holidays, so we are strong.

I know how hard this is for all of us.

When Bob passed, I had to be strong for my sons and grandchildren.

My friends tried to help me at first; then they disappeared. How funny is

it that everyone says, "If you need anything, let me know". We have all

heard those words since we lost our beloved ones. but nobody is there to

help us because they havent experienced what we have and they are

so afraid to face the fact that it will happen to them eventually.

We lost my husband, Bob, 18 months ago and now my youngest son, who took

Bobs passing as bad as I did, had to put his dog down Monday night. He

raises Norweigen Elkhounds and this was not only his first elkhound, but

the first dog he and his wife got together. It was like their child.

It was so hard for them to make the decision. But the dog, Sargent, had

kidney failure; he was sick since Christmas and the vet told them it wa

just a cold. But Sarge got worse and they had to take him to the vet and

then they were told that it would cost them over $2,000 now and that they

would have to take Sarge to the vet once a week for tests and that they

could only give Sarge about two months. So my son and his wife decided

that since Sarge would be in pain for two more months, they had to end

his pain.

We all prayed and asked Bob to meet Sarge and keep him with him till

we all meet again. We are all going to miss Sarge and this is so soon

since they lost Bob that it is so hard on my grandchildren. We are all

crying. I know this isnt the same as the loss of Bob, but just too soon.

I am going to go down in two weeks when they get sarge's ashes. The kids

will want some sort of ceremony for Sarge and I want to be there.

It will be strange because When I visit them, sarge slept at the bottom

of my bed after he checked to make sure the kids were okay.

Sarges photo has been placed on the living room wall under Bobs.

How much to we have to bear in this life?

Well, I, too am glad the holidays are over and I dont look forward to

the next one either. They already have Valentines merchandise out in the

stores and I am having trouble again going into Walmart and the Dollar

stores.

We all have to continue our path in life, we are strong enough to do it.

It's just all the pain along the way that hurts. So stay strong everyone.

God bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Trish,

I have found that by helping those who are grieving, we help ourselves.

Letting James" mom talk will help you keep him close. I feel better when

others will talk about Bob. Some are just starting to talk about him.

Talking is good. You are a good person.

God Bless

Joyce

[njgirl361]

Hey everyone....I haven't been on in a while..but I was thinking of you all and wanted to touch base. I've been so busy with the baby...I forgot how time consuming newborns were...he's doing well..getting bigger everyday. It's such a hard situation..I love Jake so much but I still can't believe his dad isn't here to share all these precious moments with him. I just hold on to the fact that he's here in spirit and is near me and his son.

The holidays were not as bad as I thought they would be. I kept so busy with all my kids that I didn't really have time to think so much. I'm glad they're over though. It almost seems harder now that all the hecticness is over.

My prayers are with all of you and I hope all is a little bit better than yesterday......Michele

[melissa1026]

Michele I was begining to worry about you. I am so glad the baby is helping to get you thru this. I can not even imagine what you are going thru. Everyone on this site has indured so much heart ache. I haven't been doing well lately and have stayed in a pitty pool... it seems that no matter what i do i can't seem to pull myself out....people at work are begining to make mean remarks about my sad face all the time.. i try to be light hearted and i don't talk about any of this at work but i just can't keep a smile on my face when my heart is so heavy..a girl i work with go really mad when i told someone that i was glad the holidays were over... she said it was great and had a wonderful time.. well i am glad for her but she hasn't a clue as to what any of us have gone thur. we go to dr tomorrow and more tests. dr says I'm just grasping at straws but i will never give up. If they could just find something to make him feel better and have some energy .. well it's late and i guess i must go to bed even though i will probably lay awake till wee hrs of the morning.. that is the usual lately. I have bared my soul enough for one night.

Love to all

melissa

[charlieg]

Hey everyone. We have all made it through Christmas and New Years..so I guess that is another hard period over with. There always seems to be something else up ahead though, will we ever get a break?...now its Valentines which I am dreading..as Michael and I always made such a big deal over each other and really spoiled each other, it was always very romantic. Last year, we went to Paris and spent Valentines there, it was amazing.

For me, I am glad Christmas and new years is over and all the fuss has died down, so I no longer have to hide away from things or try and appear like I'm enjoying it for other peoples sake. I did have little moments where I enjoyed being with all my family and friends...but of course theres such a huge hole there where Michael should be.. Michelle, I agreed with you in that the actual Christmas Day wasnt as bad for me as the build-up..maybe cos I was so busy? Now that it is all over, although thats good, at the same time, its just so dead now, quiet with less people about..and life is trundling on and the pain still remains.. That kinda gets you depressed too?

Joyce - I am so very sorry to hear about your dog, Sarge. Animals do become like a part of the family and it is hard parting with them too. I agreed with you that helping others does help a bit with your own grief. I am in a few grief groups and sharing with others and trying to help others with their pain does, in a way, help you to feel less isolated and that you may be helping another. It helps to see that your feelings are entirely normal. It has helped me learn about the 'roller coaster' of emotions, which still throws me when it seems to happen for no particular reason..I hang on to the days when I am feeling on a bit of an 'up' but I know for sure, its bound to all come down again before very long..

Trish - I am sorry to hear that James' mum is doing so badly...but also glad that you can both be there for each other. You may feel you are not doing much, but for her, having you at the end of a phone understanding each others pain and crying together..that is a great help..those tears will be healing. I still see Michaels family a lot and am particularly close to his mum, as Michael was. We cry together too..and although thats hard, I'm also glad for once, to have someone to cry with who misses him too, and not be crying alone as usual..

Laura - You said about this pain being the downside to loving so deeply. Someone said to me that you grieve as deeply as you loved. That is so very true..and is why, I think, we will grieve far longer than others around us who may not understand this.. I have been depressed a lot since Michael died too, and like you, I find it really hard becuase that is not usually me either! I was always a happy, positive person all the time..I didnt know depression. Now its like I have changed and become this person who gets miserable and depressed all the time, and I dont like that new part of me. But hopefully, the old me will return, maybe if not all the time, but some of the time anyway.. You also spoke of re-examining your faith and not understanding why you had to go through this when you both tried to do good. Unfortunately, faith doesnt work that way, this world isnt fair, and it doesnt reward those who are good and turn out bad for those who arent. Illness and death strike all of us, God doesnt promise us that we will not suffer pain on this earth, just that he will be there with us if we do..

"A small lantern may only light the next step of our journey, but it still provides enough light to get us to the other end of the tunnel."

We may only be able to see one step ahead at the moment..but just a little bit of light will help us each step of the way. We cant see to the end or how it will turn out, but just take it one step at a time and we will get there. I pray for all of you that you find that little bit of light everyday, be it in here or somewhere else.

Lots of love, Charlie x

[charlieg]

Melissa - You have been through a terrible time..and still are going through one. You dont have to put up with people at your work being so insensitive, I cant believe the remarks you have to put up with.. Maybe one day these people will understand what its like.. Dont worry about admitting to your real feelings, you are glad the holidays are over, so they can just accept that, even if they had a wonderful time!!! As regards the doctor, dont ever give up. We never gave up on Michael either and we never just accepted what they said. Yes, they know what they are talking about, but Michael always said, 'Its my body, I know it better than them. I know how I feel and what I can do.' You are right to always want to look for something that can help him..even something to relieve his pain for a bit. You do whatever it is you need to..and as hard as it is for you to be happy, appreciate all the time you have with your husband now. I'm not sure how ill he is or what he can do, but I took my Michael out for a drive a week before he died (he had been in a hospital room for a long time before that and hadnt seen outside at all) and got him out of the car and we lay together on the grass watching the baby lambs in a field..it really took it out of him, but he loved it and talked of how nice it had been when he got home...he never got out of the house again and it was the last time we were alone together. He was so ill and was suffering so much, but I'm glad we had that little bit of time together.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you, I'm thinking of you often.

Love Charlie x

[hurleyta]

Hi everyone,

I really need to vent. I had a very strange day today. I had to go this morning and have a proceedure (Epiderals) done on my back as an outpatient surgery. Last night I didn't sleep, I was so very nervous. I had asked James to be with me through it and I really believe that he was. This is the only good thing about my day... I was talking to James sister tonight and she told me that one of James aunts called James mom and asked her if she noticed that I didn't cry the day James was buried? I cried alright I broke down hard, maybe not when she was around me, as I really don't remember who she is, but I thought how can this woman judge me, she doesn't even know me. I cry every day for James I miss him with all of my heart. After his buriel we all went to his sisters home for food and drinks and things turned a little bit lighter, as we were all together and trying to remember the good and funny parts of James life... I get very upset when people look at my grief, look at your own is what I want to say... The nerve, as if she can possibly know how I feel inside and to judge me for not crying??? I cried, all darn day long. I tried to be strong as every time that James mom looked at me she broke down even more. I tried to be the strong one for her and his children. I had a viewing and memorial service for him on Tuesday down here in Florida. I got to say my goodbyes for a lot longer than anyone else in the family. I then traveled up to CT for his buriel and another viewing Thursday and Friday... I cried all right, but like I said she must not have been there when I did, or maybe she doesn't know who I am??? I just really get upset when people try to tell me that I should grieve differently than I am. She doesn't know that I walk around crying 1/2 of the night or that I miss him so much I beg for God to bring me home to be with him....

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I don't know what I would do without all of you.

Take care and God Bless you all,

Trish

[charlieg]

Trish,

I can't believe that. That would make me soo angry too, what a terrible thing to say...even if you hadn't been crying when this woman saw you, what is it to her?? And how dare she then go round and tell James' mum this..who already has enough to deal with, what was she possibly trying to achieve??!! I know many people dont cry at funerals as at that stage they are still in so much shock. For whatever reason, or if she was right or wrong..it makes no difference, it was a spiteful thing to say to James' mum and you should take no notice. I hope James' mum told her that - but if not, I'm sure she absolutely knows its rubbish!! You have enough to deal with, dont listen to stupid insensitive people who havent a clue about you or how you're really feeling.

Hugs, Charlie x

[hurleyta]

Charlie,

Thanks for the sentament. James mom did tell her that she must have been mistaken, that Trish took James death very hard and is trying to deal with it on a daily basis. But you are right, who is she to say such a thing? James mom is hurting enough for all of us, as she lost her son. I took his body home so that she would be close to him. I had such mixed feelings doing this, but felt it was right. James and I weren't legally married, but we were very close to it... Like I said I had 5 days to deal with his death by myself before his next wake and buriel... I cried, but apparently not enough or up to her standards. Makes no difference, what is important to me is that James knows how much I miss and love him and that I will grieve for him every day for the rest of my life... I thought about this long and hard during the night. I still have a VERY hard time falling asleep at night and when I do, I wake up and can't get back to sleep. But I am seeing things in a new way this afternoon. I look at it and think that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know the truth in my heart, as James and God do. That is what really counts...

Trish

Trish

[sunflowergm]

Hi everyone

Today marks the 2nd year for Joe,I went to the cemetary with his family, and I,m getting passed this day slowly.My family on the other hand did not call to see if I was ok(strange)the only one who did bother to call me was my brother I told him what today was and he had forgotton. My aunt who I called said people will forget ,but this is strange to me that my mom or sisters wouldn't bother with me today.I'm a little pissed off. My family is so ready to forget that Joe and I were a couple about to get married no less, my sister in law says get over it you had no kids with him so it should be easy(I feel like bashing her face against the wall when she says that)i'ts still so hard for me to "get over it". Trish thanks for sending me that story it was very uplifting to know their are decent people around this world and I'll be writing you back just wanted to touch base and tell you I made it thru this day.

Gina

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm so sorry Gina (((hugs))) I think that is so wrong for your SIL to tell you just to get over it. what a horrible thing to tell someone! I would have a real problem associating with anyone that would say such hurtful things. but it's your family member so I know that's not always possible to cut people off. I would be upfront with anyone though and tell them straight out they are being hurtful. you need to protect yourself and surround yourself with positive energy.

[hurleyta]

Gina,

I am so very sorry for your SIL saying those horrible things to you. It is not fair, children have no play in how you are grieving or WHEN you should be getting over it. I learned in my bereavement group that it is OK for me to grieve for as long as I need. It is also not set in stone as to if I need to get over it. I know that I will NEVER get over it and that is ok. I am the only one who knows how I feel and grieve. I know that others are going through similar times, but for each one of us, it is my belief, that we are each grieving in different ways. I am glad to hear that you made it through. I am just sorry that you couldn't do it with your family.

My family on the other hand is planning on selling the home that James and I lived in when he died. I feel like crap and my father doesn't understand why I can't handle it? He wants answers that I CAN'T give him. I understand that this is His home and that I was only a TENANT. He does have good, legitimate questions, but I honestly don't know the answers. I am still walking around in the "fog" it hasn't even been 2 months since James died, and I just honestly don't feel that I can make rational decisions when it comes to "where is a good place to live", "who is going to take care of the hurricane shutters for me" and others that go on and on... I try to explain this to him and my mom, but I just don't know how. The only explanation that I could think of was that my brain isn't functioning at this time... At least it is an honest answer...

Well, take care and God Bless You,

Trish

[lauraa]

Hi Guys,

Try not to let others opinions interfere with your well-being. I usually try to isolate myself the best I can from this and if people do say rude things I usually repeat back to them what they said or raise an eyebrow at them. We all grieve our way and we all need to take as much time as we need. I don't think we will ever get over this, ever! But, I think thru our grieving we will find a place where we handle it so that we cope better. For me I still cry because I just miss him so much and I'm lost without him. I am angry! But, I am working on that. I have let things go that I can't control. I can't control the wrongs that were done and so I truely know in my heart that certain people have to report to god when it's their time. Also, what people say we can't control...they couldn't possible know how we feel or know our pain unless they have experienced it so in the respect we are in a world of our own....Unfortunately, their day will come as it will for everyone and only then will they understand. As for me now, I am not afraid to die and I know I only have today...not tomorrow, next week or next year...TODAY.....and, I think "WHEN" it is my time......all this suffering will be only so that when we feel that unbelievable triumpant joy the day we are reunited with our soul mates it will be all worth the wait.....And, I think he is NOT suffering anymore but still lives on....These are the thoughts that I have daily. I get stuck when I stop and remember his suffering while here on this earth but then I have to go back to him in eternity.

Bless you all!

[sunflowergm]

Hi Trish

Hello Trish I e-mailed you back today,thanks for caring. I'm still living at Joe's house we have the apartment upstairs from his family. Everyone tells me I should move out, at first it was a comfort to be there, but now i'ts becoming very hard to move on for me. I look over at where he died and flip out I hardly stay in the apartmemt now. So I think I should start looking for apartments,I just feel it's one of the only things I have left of us is that apartment. As for you how do you feel about them selling yours and James? It's so crazy how people tend to go on about their own business as if nothing is going on in our world.Some people are in for a rude awakening.Just like you said to loose a love is very different,very overpowing this emotions that come out.So this week I'll be looking into some type of counseling I'm comming to the conclusion I can't go it alone. anyway talk to you soon.

Gina

[sunflowergm]

Thanks for saying that my sil is just a cold person to me.I did get over Joe's anniversary by myself. I do tell her how it is and others who think it's time to "move on", I'm actually starting to feel bad for the people who talk like that it's like their time will come when they know how hard it is to just get out of your bed and feel the emotion of having someone so close ripped away so fast.I'm going to go now but hope everyone is getting thru the nites and surviving the day's.Thanks so much for being there for me it means more than you'll know.

[lauraa]

Gina and Everyone,

I go to counseling once a week and it has helped me tremendously. It is the one place I can go where that certain someone focuses on how I feel when everyone else goes away....And, I feel validated that "all" my feeling are normal for this damned grieving process. This is the absolute most horrible thing that could happen to any of us and I am shocked that everyone thinks we should go on like nothing has happened and/or that we are over emotional....bull! It has been almost 19 months for me and I am still deeply grieving for loosing my husband....."We grieve as deeply as we loved".

[aprilmoonflower]

Gina, glad to hear you are hanging in there. don't let others get you down! it's too easy especially when we are so vulnerable. I am having some issues with DH family members as well. but I just draw the line at certain points. they are going to have to respect it and deal with it. I know you don't have any kids and I think that would make it MUCH harder to tell you the truth. anyway my point is, you need to create the strongest support system you can right now. take care of YOU first. you might feel selfish at first but it's ok. everything else will follow and fall into place.

Trish, I'm sorry to hear Jame's family is selling your home! will you be able to stay a little while or do you have to move right away? I can't imagine having to make such a decision at a time like this. Sending you much strength.

I too like others have family telling me I need to move, sell my house, sell this, do that and such. they don't even know what they are talking about! just because DH died doesn't mean I'm going to abandon our home and my life! plus I have alot of soul searching & healing to do right now. it's not ike I can just move and leave my problems/memories/greif behind anyway. I still do have a life..(or will someday anyway when my kids grow up.lol)anyway my point is I'm sick of advice from others!!!!!!!!

thanks for listening to me rant!

[lauraa]

Guys,

My therapist told me in the beginning that I shouldn't make any major decisions the first year of loosing my husband if I didn't have to. Boy, was she right. Looking back now it is so clear to me the fog I was in. I say, surround yourselves with the most supportive people you know...even if they aren't family to help you make decisions or just for support. I am 800 miles away from family and I rely on friends to help me when I need them. One is even a neighbor of mine who has helped me with financial decisions (he is a financial guy)and truely helped me make those crucial decision when I wasn't thinking clear....it is so overwhelming on all fronts, ie. the kids, the house, job, money....the list goes on and on. It is difficult when we are totally exhausted. I don't know about all of you but it didn't and still doesn't take much to slam me back to square one. My energy level is still very low, even though I am still going like I did before. Keep talking here and it is probally the best support you will get. Hang in there. Bless you all.

[tuesday3900]

Hi Everyone

I lost my husband 12/5/05 I have been reading a lot of the posts on here and I have to say that what I am reading lets me know that I am ok. People around me tell me I need to get over it. When it was told to me I felt it was a horrible thing to say and it hurt so much. One guy at work was making passes at me telling me I had to get n with my life and that I can't change what happened and that he is never coming back. I know all of this but it doesn't make it any easier. i am not ready for another relationship. It was hard enough getting thru the Holiday's knowing that I had to start the New Year without Ron had put me into such a deep depression I didn't know if I would ever get out of it. Some day's are harder than other. I try to get thru work without anyone knowing that I am crying on the inside putting on a mask is what i called it. What you see on the outside is not what is going on on inside. The guy got angry when I turned him down and has started treating me really bad. I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment but it will cause me to go look for a new job which takes an effort I just don't have right now but I know I can not continue working around this guy and dealing with his ugliness. There are certain tv shows I can not bare to watch and seeing couples together hurts too. I am happy for them but it makes me miss Ron so much. I saw his mother today and she is looking frail and she is having trouble sleeping. I do not have comforting words for her because I am still healing also I just sit and listen to her its all I can offer her. I still sleep with my husbands shirt it still has his smell and I can't sleep unless I take something to sleep. April be hard for me too Ron's birthday is in April My counselinf sessions don't start until 1/19 I am just trying to hang on until then but I want to thank all of you because you let me know that I am normal in what I am feeling I am so sorry for your losses and I do know how much it hurts but I am relieved to know that I am not losing my mind and that I am feeling and grieving just like anyone else qould after losing someone you love so very much. Thank you

Chris

[melissa1026]

Chris

If i understand you correctly you lost your husband a month ago..How could anyone be so insensitive to your feelings... people are so stupid. I'd get that guy fired, there is such a thing as sexual harrasment.. and this is it.. You shouldn't let him make you the one looking for a job. Life is hard enough without those idoits making it more difficult.

My husband is still with me although he is very very sick. Dr do not have any hope for him. I am not a quitter and will fight for him till his last breath. My brother committed suicide on Dec. 14, 2005 and it has been one of the hardest things to come to grips with. All the questions of why??????

You just hang in there and do what makes you feel better. This site has been a tremendous help for me. There are alot of loving caring people here that know exactly how you feel. Not like those idiots you work with who have no idea the pain that losing someone can cause. There is no time table as to when to quit greaving. It is up to you and how you want to deal with it.. It all takes time . There is no magic wand to make it go away.. I wish there were.

Keep coming back to this site...it will help. It lets me know that I am normal and the thoughts that run thru my head are norma.

take care of yourself

Laura, Michele, Joyce all of you:::: take care and you are in my heart and prayers.

Melissa

[aprilmoonflower]

Chris,

I'm so sorry about your DH. don't let anyone tell you how to feel! you are entitled to feel whatever way you are! there's no rules to the greif process (though some might try to tell you differently) and of course it's always those who haven't been there doling out the advice.. just try to be true to yourself and take care of YOU. as for that guy at work making a pass at you I would draw firm boundries with him (he sounds like an @ss btw-what tact!) if you don't feel comfortable around him I would however report the incident ASAP.

Melissa,

I can't imagne what you are going through with your brother and your DH at the same time.(((sending hugs and strentgh)))and will be thinking of you.

LAura,

THat is so true about waiting to make decisions. everything is so exhausting as a single parent.

as for me, I have had family pushing me to travel recently and that's about my last priority right now with 2 little ones. we did disney in NOv and that was enough for me for a LONG while! plus i am just now getting into the swing of things now (barely though)of taking care of all the bills,house,kids,errands,etc. but things aren't always organized and I struggle everyday. i almost had my water shut off last month cause I forgot to pay the bill.ugh!

[hurleyta]

Hi everyone,

It does hurt to feel like the place James and I lived and celebrated life togethe being sold is almost too much to bear. But my parents can't afford to help me and I don't want to have a roommate, so it looks like this is the only way to go??? I don't know... I feel bad this was my grandfathers home foe 35 years prior to his death and now it was James and mine prior to his death. I know that if my parents could, they would let me just stay here, but without me being able to pay for the bills that James and I used to share, there is no way.... It is my parents home and not mine, so it is all up to them...

I am not feeling very good tonight. I must be coming down with something??? Oh well, life must go on... Sad some times, I just feel like it was so much easier before...

Take care,

Trish

[aprilmoonflower]

Trish,

I'm sorry to hear you so torn up about the situation. I have developed a new attitude about life since DH passed and that is to go with the flow. I feel like everything happens for a reason even if we don't know why. so that's the only advice I can give (not that you asked.lol) I just couldn't read and not post.just wanted to send some support your way.

Anyway I can only imagine what you are going through. it's hard, but just hang on.

April

[hurleyta]

Thanks April,

Yes, it is hard sometimes. I went for a ride with my mother, down to the beach last night. I thought that I would be ok, but as soon as we got there I took one look at the waves rolling in and broke down. I just couldn't take it, not yet any way... I am hoping that some day it will get easier. I live only blocks from a beautiful beach... James and I used to take night walks and look for shells down there. I loved it... It used to bring me so much happiness and peace. How can it bring me so much sorrow now??? I really miss my night time walks with James. We used to go quite often. If not walks, bike rides... He used to give me so much strength and support, I really miss that and him.... But as you said, everything happens for a reason. If I didn't believe this, I would not be here right now... I just know that James death was for a reason, and it is not to make me hurt. If it was, it is doing exactly what it is suppose to.

Well, hope you are ok, just for today.... I learned that life is way too short and all we have is the here and now. Tomorrow may never be.

Trish

[hurleyta]

Thanks April,

Yes, it is hard sometimes. I went for a ride with my mother, down to the beach last night. I thought that I would be ok, but as soon as we got there I took one look at the waves rolling in and broke down. I just couldn't take it, not yet any way... I am hoping that some day it will get easier. I live only blocks from a beautiful beach... James and I used to take night walks and look for shells down there. I loved it... It used to bring me so much happiness and peace. How can it bring me so much sorrow now??? I really miss my night time walks with James. We used to go quite often. If not walks, bike rides... He used to give me so much strength and support, I really miss that and him.... But as you said, everything happens for a reason. If I didn't believe this, I would not be here right now... I just know that James death was for a reason, and it is not to make me hurt. If it was, it is doing exactly what it is suppose to.

Well, hope you are ok, just for today.... I learned that life is way too short and all we have is the here and now. Tomorrow may never be.

Trish

[lauraa]

Melissa,

I am so so sorry to hear about your brother. I know it must be difficult not knowing why or seeing signs....Please try and be gentle with yourself thru all of this. I will pray for you, your husband and your dear brother.

[tuesday3900]

Thank you to both of you that respond to my post. I try to take one day one step and that is about all I can handel for now. I miss Ron so much right now I am not interested in anyone except trying to heal myself as well as my children so we can make the most of what time we have together. The guy at work well our office is recorded with a microphone and a camera. I am hoping that if he is going to harrass me that it will be where the camera is it doesn\'t matter where you go in the office everything can be herd so I have that to help me when I take it to my boss. For right now it is his word against mine. I will just keep praying that everything will work out. Thank you for the kind words and advice I find comfort here knowing that others understand how I feel and no one is going to tell me to just get over it. I wish everyone the best. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever gone thru and I know it will take time to come to terms with it I don\'t think it will ever leave me. I will remember Ron for the rest of my life . I know one day some day I will see him again

thank you again

Chris

[hurleyta]

Chris,

I will pray for you too...

I know how hard it is, tomorrow will be 2 months since James died. I still am waiting for some answers from the autopsy. They have 90 days to complete it, although I know in my heart, exactly what it is. I know that the day I get the call that it is complete, I will have to relive it all over again... I will NEVER get over the hurt of loosing James, but I also know that in time I will learn to live with the hurt, pain and loss I feel. I started Bereavement counseling and it has helped. Although the class I went to is now over, I am signed up for some more and need to see someone for some 1 on 1, as there is so much that I am having to deal with. I just want to close the door and hide under my covers, but know that I can't do that either. I have to deal with life, even when I really don't want to... I used to turn to James and he would help to make things all better. I still turn to James, just in other ways. I journal and speak to him all of the time. Some times I feel like he is right next to me. The other day I woke up and went to look for him in our home. This is how close he feels to me at times.

Right now my grandmother has pneumonia. She is staying here with my parents and I. They came down for 3-4 months, as in WI it is so bitter cold in the winters and here in FL it isn't so bad... Any way, she is very sick and I am worried about her. I feel like I am loosing her, even though her MD gave her some antibiotics. I just couldn't stand to loose someone else I love right now... James death is still so fresh. Please say some prayers for her. James loved Granny so much and I know that he is here with me to watch over her. She has emphazema, so this is pretty serious, although the doctor hasn't put her in the hospital yet. Usually he does, but told her that he would trust her not to smoke, to wear her oxygen and take the meds he prescribed for her... I am just worried about her.

Hugs to all,

Trish

[melissa1026]

Today is one of those days that I feel empty inside. Just waiting for the bomb to drop. I don't like feeling like this. But here I know all of you know what I am talking about. I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't stop thinking about my brother.. why did he think he had nothing to live for? Why did he take his own life? I know I will never have answers but I can't seem to get those thoughts out of my head.. i try not to think about it, but it just seems to be there...the sadness is so over powering. At least here i know that all of you are with me. I don't have anyone else to share my thoughts with. I looked into a support group but I live in such a small town there is nothing here. I can't take the time to drive somewhere to get help. so you all are it.I do thank you for being here.

Trish, hang in there. To loose you husband then your home. Death changes so many things. I guess we just want things back to the way they were. Life was so much easier before.

My husband is not feeling well. He had a few better days but now it seems he's much worse. I sometimes wonder if i have the strength to handle all of this. I just want some happiness in my life and i don't know where to go to get it.. do you ever wonder if we'll ever be happy again? I see so many people that are so carefree and well darn it I want to be one of them. sorry for my pitty pool. I know all of you are going thru worse things than I can imagine. I am just glad you are here.

I haven't heard from Michele and I guess she's busy with baby. I hope the baby gives her comfort.

ALL OF YOU::: you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for listening.

Melissa

[hurleyta]

Melissa,

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to deal with your brothers death. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

Today is very hard for me as I keep on thinking back, why didn't I KNOW that James was about to die and help him??? Why didn't I wake up a few minutes earlier?? All of the why's drive me nuts too... If I had one wish, I would go back to 11/11/2005, the day before James died and not let him go to the doctor. I believe that he would still be here today, if it weren't for that darn MD... Of course I am sure that we all wish we could go back and change things, but in reality we can't... I dreamt last night about James and he looked younger in his face, but he had more gray hair than he did when he was alive... I miss him so very much and wish that this wasn't happening to me. We had our whole lives ahead of us and now... it is just not right... Guess that some days are better than others, but I wish that I knew when that magical day would come when I could feel happy again??? Will I ever feel happy again without the guilt and the sadness in my heart??? I don't mean with another man, I can't even IMAGINE that at this time, but I mean truly happy to be here without James???

Thanks for being here.

Trish

[carriebee]

I lost Kevin just over two months ago (Nov 6th). We were together for 3 years and he was the love of my life and we were planning on getting engaged this spring, married next year this time. He died in his sleep next to me and having to deal with that is so hard. I had worked a very long day that day (14 hours) and got home about 11pm. He and I went to bed about 12:15am and I fell fast asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Kevin was usually a restless sleeper, has sleep apnea, and snores so I'm used to movement and noise throughout the night. But, something woke me up about 5am and I put my hand on him to feel nothing. I shook him and shook him but still, nothing. It's when I rolled him over to see him "frozen" I realized that he was gone. I still shook him, calling his name and just hoping this wasn't real. I jumped over him and called 911 and once the EMTs and police arrived, I never saw him again until the viewing four days later.

I miss him so much and not having him here is so difficult. I get sad and I get angry and I can relate to your posts here regarding medication. He had been taking vicodin for a back injury and had become dependant on it. After he passed away, we found out that he was going to urgent care offices and ERs in our area and these doctors were just prescribing him hydrocodone like crazy. He had been getting if off of the internet as well so he had access to tons of this garbage. Here's a college graduate with a masters degree, a personal trainer, a man who knew better but got himself stuck. When he finally wanted to stop, he consulted a physician (never saw him as a patient before) and this guy gave him methadone (methadose) without any sort of in depth consult at all....just gave it to him to take on his own. Well, he lasted 3 days doing this "on his own" and he must have taken too much or mixed it with something else because now, my Love is gone.

His mother and I are so angry at the fact that these medications are prescribed so easily to anyone. I really blame everyone involved....people just don't take the time to slow down and really focus on anything anymore. And to what result? The loss of a wonderful son, father, and partner.

Who suffers after a loss like this? We do, the survivors. Regardless, my heart is heavy and I feel empty with out him. He was my best friend and I was his. I sit at night and watch tv alone before I get into a big bed by myself with pillows lined up on "his side" so there's something there.

[melissa1026]

Trish

I guess it's the same for all of us. Wanting the happiness back in our lives.I like you have no desire for anyone other than my husband,.When his time comes there will be one one else for me. I wish none of us needed this site. But we do and I am thankful to have it to come to. I agree that Dr. do not take the time to talk and find out what is going on, they herd people thru like cattle. My husbands dr is always telling us there is no hope. What kind of dr is that? There is always hope always miracles. Only God knows all the answers and we aren't suppose to question. I do though. Why is my husband so ill? Why did my brother kill himself? Why can't I find some relief from the sadness I feel in my heart? Everyone tells me it's to make me stronger. Well I don't want to be strong anymore. I want what i had. I guess I never really appreciated it . I guess we never do till we lose it. At least I can tell my husband each day that I love him, for that i am grateful.. so many of you never got the chance to say good bye and tell them one last time how much you loved them. We're all greiving in different ways, yet the sadness and loneliness is the same. Problems that pop up now are just another straw on the camels back . I just wonder when it will break. Things didn't use to bother me as much. Well to all of you, I feel like we are sisters. I thank you so much for all the help you have given me and to listen to me when I am at my worst..

Hugs and Love to ALL

Melissa

[aprilmoonflower]

Trish & Melissa. I struggle evryday but coming here helps..to know there are others who really understand. Nobody in my life does. they think they do, but they don't. it's hard. i am at the point right now where I am beciming very lonley. yes I have freinds and a little of DH family around but it's just not the same. there's just a big void.

carriebee,

welcome. I am sorry to hear about your DH. what an awful nightmare to wake up to. I am so sorry about the drugs. I think it's too easy to get the stuff. that's crazy too he went from vicadin to methadone! anyway I just wanted to send a cyber hug your way and say you will find alot of support here. keep coming back!

anyway my mom is coming out tomorrow from the east coast w/ my 2yo nephew! I am so excited..but I'm so afraid of the letdown when she goes back home. it was always hard enough when DH was alive. sigh. life is just hard all around right now. when does it get easier? or will it never get easier?

LOve,

April

[jlizzy]

[Melissa,

Just treasure the time you have left with your husband. Pray as hard as you

can for more time together and for him to get better. God watches over us in

strange ways. I prayed and gave my Bob the natural medicine as well as

the prescription drugs. It was just his time to go to God. that is the only

way for me to go on, is to believe that God needed him more than I do.

Yes, it is hard. Watching your spouse suffer for so long and not being able

to help is so terribly hard. But just letting him know that you are there

and you love him, will help him fight.

I watched the whole process and I asked God Why? There are no answers

to that question.

I cant explain exactly what I went through, but it was just as much of a

roller coaster as I have been on for the past 18 1/2 months since Bob

passed. I still cant get myself to say he died, I guess because he is stil

a big part of me. He took 1/2 of my heart and being with him and he is

holding it until the day he comes to take me to God.

All I know is that the passing process isnt something to take lightly

and I pray for you both that you will not have to lose each other yet.

As you can be sure that you both are in the prayers of everyone here on

this site.

So, stay strong, love hard and ask God not to take him; but to put him

out of pain here with you. Prayers are strong, dont give up and dont

let him give up; for there is always hope.

God Bless You Both

Joyce

[jlizzy]

I have read all of your posts and I know exactly how each of you feels.

We have all lost the love of our life and it isnt easy. What we all have

to do is take care of ourselves now. For me, my pillar of strength is gone

and I feel so alone. No matter who I am with; sons, grandchildren, friends,

I am still alone when they leave.

I have been through the depression, the crying and the hurt that all of you

have felt. I, after 18 /2 months, am still crying and hurting. My depression

is less than before and I stopped the pills. I carry anxiety pills for

whenever needed.

I just want you all to know that we all feel your pain; we all understand;

and we are here for you.

May God Bless You and help each of you through your own situations.

Take day by day; take care of yourself and your children.

God Bless

Joyce

[hurleyta]

Carriebee,

I, like you, lost James to a Methadone OD... He had only been on it less than 24 hours. This medication is deadly and no one is ever gonna tell me differently. I guess that is not true, as I know that it is used to help people in pain. I should refrase by saying, this medication, when taken by someone who is not used to it, needs to be monitored very closely... I don't understand why doctors prescribe it to addicts? Does anyone??? I have found out that it is now outlawed in certain states and should not be mixed with any Benzo's as the combination is deadly!!! James was prescribed Xanax along with Methandone. In large doses at that... I feel for you, for we are going through a lot of the same things... James died on 11/12/05... I am so sorry for your loss...

I am having a very hard day today. I guess that each of these 12's will be hard, as the date will NEVER be the same to me... I thank you all for being here and for responding... It really helps to be able to come here to vent. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Trish

[nannatrent]

In Aug of 2005 I lost my husband to Agent Orange related cancer this isn't what took his life he died in the hands of the Va hospital and neglance they let him bleed todeath and and then covered it up..Now no attorney wants to take the case because there isn't enough money in it for them to come out with

a load this really isn't a factor the main factor is that the Va hospitals are buring their mistakes and getting by with it..All the lawyers want to read is the autopsy and not the medical records this tells it all..also there was three

doctors involved and they are still in the hopital doing it to more of our GI's

Thanks for hearing me our

nannatrent

[DeeAnn]

Dear Nan,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I can only imagine the frustration you feel about the surrounding circumstances. I hope you will be able to find your answers and, most importantly, I hope you will find peace. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

DeeAnn

[bubupig]

Hello,

My husband was killed on 15 Nov 2005 and I feel so empty and lost and don't possibly know how to carry on and live. We are soul mates, Craig was 24 when he died, I am 26, and we had been married 3 short years. I am posting from Australia which is where we live but I met Craig in UK and we married there and I brought him home with me. We have no children. I just feel like I have nothing to live for and feel no one can help me. It saddens me deeply that there are so many of us dealing with death. It is so unfair being left behind. I wish I could have died with him - I already feel dead, just an empty shell doing the basics (when I can) to keep my body going. My heart and soul have been shattered. I just can't be bothered with anything anymore, I rarely leave the house. I just don't see any point to anything. Craig was my life, and I just don't know how I can possibly go on now. I just don't want to go on - I see no point in anything. I don't want to forget any little thing about him and our relationship but then I feel like I'm going to go crazy for thinking about things all the time. And now today I can't even imagine him being in our house anymore. It just hurts so much.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Bubupig,

I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your husband, Craig. I lost my husband, Eddie, on February 22, 1998, after his 10-month battle with cancer. Everything you're feeling now is completely normal, although that doesn't make it any easier. The grief that follows the loss of a loved one is, at times, almost unbearable. Sometimes, it helps just to know we're not alone. While the acute part of my grief is behind me, that was an experience I will never forget, and it is what continues to bring me to these boards.

Time is the only thing that heals our souls, and the way we spend that time makes a tremendous difference. There will, indeed, be days you see little to no reason to continue going, but if you can get through those times, there will be light again and not the constant darkness you are experiencing now. I know you find that nearly impossible to believe now, but please trust me. I hope you've found some way of dealing with your grief that will lead to your healing. Let those of us who have walked the same path now help you on your journey. We're here for you. Please take good care of yourself.

DeeAnn

[carriebee]

Each day is so different from the others before it, you know. We are all without the one person we shared our lives with and loved more than anything else. There isn't a single minute that goes by that I don't think of Kevin and his smile, his hands, his walk, his hugs and kisses. I feel so cheated sometimes, that I've been robbed of so many things, and that I'll never get a chance to have them again. Every once in a while, as I'm driving and looking up to the sky, I sometimes will see this small patch of rainbow in the clouds. I feel as if it's Kevin watching over me and making sure I get to where ever I'm going safely. When I spot the faint colors, I smile and say "Hi, Honey. I love you."

I'm thinking of all of you and hope that you all can find that strength within yourselves to keep going.

[bubupig]

Thanks for your wisdom DeeAnn. I too am sorry for your loss, it must have been so difficult watching him battling for 10 months. Craig died when a dirt trench he was working in collapsed on top of him. I am just finding it so hard to cope. I really don't know how to ease the pain and make it better. I was seeing a psychologist for a bit but then he let me down in not bothering to turn up to appointments etc and he had lost his wife when he was younger too so understood but now I feel very much let down even more. Plus everyone else has now moved on with their lives and yet I'm exactly where I was 9 weeks ago when Craig was killed. Even my family seem to have moved on with it and i just don't know what to do. I also don't know what to believe in with relation to the "after life". I don't believe in a god but have thought of myself to be a spiritual person to some degree and I have felt Craig around at times and feel he has been letting me know he's around. Plus, a close friend is a medium and craig and I had seen her before and she has since been in touch with me since Craig's death with some messages from him that no one else could possibly know.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to survive Craig and go on. I feel like I'm forgetting him and give myself panic attacks but then I feel like I'm going mad when I'm thinking about him all the time you know. I only leave the house about once a week now and usually only to buy food. I am physically sick every day for the past 9 weeks, don't eat much, hardly sleep, have lost alot of weight. I just feel absolutely horrible and I just wish that there was some way that the pain could all just go. And I now don't know what to do with myself and my life without Craig in it. I feel so lost. And I'm angry at everyone else for having there partners/husbands etc and I don't have my mine. I don't understand why I had to loose Craig. Why do any of us have to loose the person that means the most in my life. I feel now like a lost soul with no hope. I just don't see the point in anything and really can't be bothered trying to pick myself up each day. What's the point of my life without Craig. I don't feel that I can ever be happy again.

How did you pull yourself thru the initial intense pain DeeAnn? What can I do to heal myself to a point where I can go on.

I know there's no easy answer or quick fix solution - how I wish there was though - for all of us. Our pain is so horrible and so deep and so soul shattering. It just isn't fair.

[mamabets]

For Bubupig- I am mamabets, and I am usually over at Loss of an adult child- My 25 year old son passed in June of 2004, but I do travel around the forums to see if perhaps I can help someone else, as so many have helped me. I feel so sorry for you- You are so young, were married to your love for such a short period of time. Do keep up with any kind of after life communication- There is a board here as well- ADC's, Visions and Dreams- Alot of communication with loved ones- Also, as crazy as this may sound... I have four little dogs, little daschunds and they bring me tremendous comfort whenever I need it- Do you have any cozy pets?? I hope so.. Please find me traveling about here- My name is Betsy ,and again, I go by mamabets- This will never be over, it will never leave you, but I promise- It will not stay this awful. Before long you will find some kind of peace, and you will know that without question, you and Craig are always together, and you will be again in a different dimension. That will keep you going, and you will find that by coming to Beyond Indigo as much as you can, there will always be someone who can help you. xoxo Take extra care of yourself....

[charlieg]

Bubupig - I feel your pain so much in your messages and I feel for you so much as you are at such an early stage in your grief. You have to take each day as it comes...dont think too far ahead just yet, its all so completely overwhelming and painful for the first while. I was in your position just a few months ago and I could see no end to it, no point to anything, I was in such a depression and I felt everyone else was dealing ok except me and no-one else understood. I got very frustrated at other people so withdrew into myself.. My Michael was only 23 when he died last April, I'm 25 now and I know the pain of losing them so young and the immense feelings of unfairness and what you will miss together. I had people tell me things and to give it time etc etc and at the time, that didnt help me!!! How was I just to get through that day??? It all seemed just too hard and I longed for sleep to escape reality yet then my mind was filled with awful nightmares of his illness and him dying.. But I do promise you it will get easier..at least I can only speak from my own experience, Michael was my whole life, my whole reason...and for a long time, I have struggled to accept that hes gone and that this is forever, its one of the toughest things to do and I still struggle with it every day...I still cry often and miss him and feel sad and down...but its not as completely awful and all-consuming as it was at first. Its a long road Bubupig and there are sooo many emotions that flood you all the time..but you will make it, and we are all here for to talk to anytime cos we DO understand and we have all been there. The thing that helped me most when I was at my lowest points was being able to share with others that understood so keep coming back and vent on us anytime you need.

Sending lots of love and hugs,

Charlie x

[DeeAnn]

Dear Bubupig,

As you can see from what others have shared, we all go through very similar emotional roller coasters during grief. It's wicked. I believe a sudden death is probably more difficult in the beginning than any other. What a tragic way to have lost your Craig. I'm so, so sorry this had to happen to you. There's nothing fair about it.

As Carriebee shared, when she sees a rainbow, she can now look up and tell Kevin she loves him. I doubt she could have done that in the very early stages of her grief. Rather, that rainbow would have problem made her cry because Kevin wasn't there to share it with her. As Betsy shared, she finds comfort in her pets now, but I would imagine that when her son had just died, very little brought her comfort. Charlie gave some very good advice about taking one day at a time and trying not to think too far ahead.

At this point, you are probably going through the very worst of your grieving. That's certainly not to say it's over because it's only beginning. But I would imagine the reality of your loss is just beginning to really hit you. One thing that used to help me was switching places with Eddie and imagining it had been me who died (and I wished many times it had been rather than him). I tried to imagine what *he* would want me to do. As I'm sure Craig loved you, Eddie loved me in a way that I knew, without doubt, that he would want me to continue living. He even told me that, and had your Craig had the opportunity, I bet he would have told you the same thing.

Right now, just strive to get through each day as it comes. Things that helped me were journaling, reading books about grief, and therapy. Perhaps you should see your medical doctor for a thorough physical just to be sure the trauma of grief hasn't caused your body to respond in ways that should be treated medically. Grief is extremely powerful, as you're learning through experience. I hope you will continue to let us know how you're coming along on your journey. It's like Betsy said....It will not stay this awful. We can all promise you that. We may not can explain it, but we just know. In time, you will know also.

Take care...

DeeAnn

[bubupig]

Thank you so much Betsy, Charlie and DeeAnn. You have given me hope and a different perspective on things.

Betsy – I am so sorry about the loss of your son, I’m sure loosing a child must be so difficult. Craig and I have several pets – we always said they were our children – just over a week before Craig died, we got 2 kittens. Craig had been wanting kittens for some time and I got him the 2 as an early xmas present – I’m glad I was able to do this one last thing for him. The kittens though extremely frustrating to me most of the time, have ensured I don’t completely withdraw into myself. I think the greatest comfort they’ve brought me is that they sleep with me at night. Craig and I hadn’t spent a night apart in our 4 year relationship and it is such a comfort to have some heat and contact when I go to bed and not feel so empty and alone. We also have 2 dogs that baby me whenever I am around them and have been so understanding of my feelings and have just been so gentle and kind. I know it’s probably a good thing we do have our “children” as I care about them deeply and would never mistreat them or let them starve so it has in a way given me my only reason for waking up each day and for getting out of bed.

Charlie – I completely understand what you are saying. I have been withdrawing into myself now too, and have little contact with family or friends anymore. I just don’t want to hear about their lives or that they are going on with things and don’t mention Craig as if that means it never really happened. I haven’t really been completely open with anyone about how I’m feeling for some time – expect here on BI because I feel you all know, and rightly so. I just haven’t felt that anyone can help me but it gives me a small measure of hope that you are all still here and getting thru it and though it is still there it isn’t as intense as the stage I am currently dealing with. I am so sorry for your loss also. I feel that we’re both too young to be going thru something like this. I know death is all around us but before Craig died I had never had any close to me die. No one around me understands and all everyone says is give it time and it will all be ok – plus a few have even said “don’t worry about it, you’re young, you’ll find someone else in no time”. This is so not what I want to hear right now or even consider. Craig is my soul mate and I don’t want to find anyone else, I just want him. I do feel like I’m going to go crazy some days – on those especially bad days – I think of Craig constantly and then have stupid dreams/nightmares where I know he’s dead but in my dreams I can go back and change one thing so he would still be alive. I know in my dream this isn’t possible but I can’t wake up from it until it finishes. On really bad days I am just crying and crying and crying and feel so much pain.

DeeAnn – I understand where you are getting at, that in time I will have some peace and things that currently make me cry and are so painful I will eventually be able to look on with perhaps even a smile. It just seems so inconceivable for me to ever not deal with the pain I’m going thru right now. Craig and I had such a wonderful life together, with so many happy memories, and so much laughter, yet currently when I think of these things they just distress me and destroy me. I don’t want to forget him but some days I wish I could just switch off and not have to think or feel. I try to deal with one day at a time, even sometimes just hours at a time when it is particularly bad, but there are times I just can’t stop my brain from thinking ahead. I just see nothing ahead of me and it is so hard to find a reason to continue living. I do think about what Craig would be saying to me, which sometimes snaps me out of it, other times it doesn’t. Craig and I had been talking about our deaths a few months before he died and he had told me then he would want me to go on and he made me promise I wouldn’t kill myself. This promise to Craig is the only thing that has stopped me from ending it. Because I know how hurt and upset he would be if I did this.

I have been keeping an informal journal that I write in when I feel the need. I’ve been looking at books on grief but really don’t know what is worth getting and what would help. There is so many out there and I just don’t want to buy something that won’t help me you know, or make me feel even more desolate. And we have no place here really that deals with grief and recommends books and things like that. I am considering finding a new therapist, but don’t know that I’m ready to yet – I’m still to upset over the last one letting me down. I have been to see my medical doctor as have had physical problems since Craig’s death. I had one kidney removed several years ago and now I have problems with the remaining one – this has come about since Craig’s death. I also have a chest cold/bronchitis which is starting to get quite bad and I’m thinking of going back to the doctor, and a few other little things. My body is quite exhausted now because it can only go so long with little food, little sleep and being sick constantly. I feel now that I need to sleep for days and days to recharge. I’m just so physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. It just feels so hard to fight each day to get up and be alive.

I’ve bought a big white board and have written Sunday to Saturday on it with little things I need to do everyday, like shower, wash my hair, take tablets, eat, etc, etc. My mind is just all over the place and I go into my own little world and forget about what I need to do or should be doing.

Thank you for your support, you are all in my thoughts. I hope that by me sharing here and you sharing with me that I will in some small way be able to come to terms with things a little easier.

I hope you all have “good” days filled with peace and kindness.

Xxoo

Ps. Sorry my post is so long

[BarbaraGurl54]

Everyone,

You are not going crazy. What you're experiencing is grief. I've been a widow for five years and at first I couldn't remember anything-one day I was driving home from work and totally forgot where I lived! I could read because I found I kept reading a sentence over and over and couldn't remember what it said, I couldn't watch tv because I couldn't concentrate. Supermarkets playing those songs-well I cried. I cried in the drugstore when I was picking up medicine.

And I thought I was losing my mind. I really did.

But DeeAnn on this site who was also a young widow explained that I wasn't losing my mind,she had gone through the same thing and that helped me so much to know I wasn't alone.

I didn't want to go to bed because now it was so big and empty, I used to keep his shirt on his pillow and spray his cologne on it so I could smell him. Then I didn't want to wake up because at first I could pretend he was still alive and then suddenly it would hit he wasn't and I had to get through another day.

I talked to Craig alot, for some reason he was always up in the ceiling in a corner of my bedroom. I always looked up when I talked to him. And I began journaling writing letters to him about my day because it made me feel more like when he was alive and we shared about our days.

Since I worked during the week, coming home on a Friday was the worst. It meant an entire weekend. So I would do things like obsessively clean so I'd be exhausted by Saturday night.

So no, none of you are going crazy.

[sunflowergm]

h