I Miss Him So...

[jenmulloy]

I havent posted in a long time. I will be at a year Nov 22. Ive had some people say some pretty nasty things to me and at this point i think i dont care what people think anymore because everyone is so negative. I miss him and if i dont want to move on i dont have to. The worst part is is that i had a friend give my phone number to a guy we worked with. She finally convinced me to just talk to him, that i didnt have to promise him anything, just have a cup of coffee or lunch with him, so i finally gave in. Well she started dating him. She did all that just to bring me down again cause she said she had to prove to me that i couldnt have everything i wanted. I guess i was just at a loss for words because if she was a friend of mine she wouldnt have been that awful. Twelve years we've known each other and when i need her support the most she pulls this. She actually believes that im upset with her cause she's having sex and im not. Um, helllooo? I could care less about that, im hurt because shes supposed to be a friend and she's treated me like this. Cant win with anything i guess.

[njgirl361]

Jenmulloy.....I can't believe ur friend did that to you...what the hell was that???? "You Can't get everything you want?????" Why would she have to prove that to you anyway????? You already lost what you WANTED!!!!! You should tell her to go to hell.....she is not a friend....I know we need people in our lives right now to help us grieve for our loss...but you certainly don't need someone to try to PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE!!!! She has no idea what "PLACE" you are in...or anyone that lost our loves like we have....I wish I could contact her and tell her off... I AM SO MAD!!!! Please don't let anyone like her bring you down.....if you want to meet someone for coffee....you should....we all need companionship..however, don't let her involve you in any of HER childish and selfish schemes...please take care of yourself...Michele

[jenmulloy]

Michele, i have talked to mom about it, i have talked to other friends of mine that i have met through support groups and they ask me why i still talk to her. I've never gone out of my way to be flat out nasty to anybody, but after all that she has done and said the past few months i have had about enough and she's no friend of mine if she thinks saying stuff and doing stuff like that is okay. Mom says she thinks she's jealous of me, but i dont wish my past year on anyone. My friend Casey tells me the same thing because she came to her salon and asked her to dye her hair and cut it the same way and i about hit the floor. She buys the same perfumes and hair clips and clothes if she can find them in my size. She's driving me crazy.

[Chris4703]

Hi everyone, gosh it has been at least 1 year since I have posted anything in here. My husband passed away April 7th 2003. We were together 34 years. Although the saying "Time heals" is somewhat true, I still hurt. It has been 2 1/2 years now and after realizing that I was slowly losing all emotions. No anticipation, excitement, fear everything...I wasn't even getting startled. I went to see the doctor and he said you are depressed. I still visit the cemetary every week. I rarely dream of him. I still miss him so. My heart aches for all of you going thru those first painful months of lonliness. I think I finally thought I was getting better after the first year passed. Just remembering where we were "last year" hurt. Now that I've spent over 2 years without him the pain isn't as overwhelming. I recently started taking "meds" and seeing a therapist. Because "THEY" say I should be much further along. The meds don't do anything, its like taking "Good n Plenty", and the therapist just asks " How was your week this week? I think I should have been talking to someone after 6 months. It probably took me that long to just be able to talk where someone could understand me through the sobbing. I still have bad days. Like when the toilet stopped working and I was in the plumbing aisle of "Home Depot" standing in front of toilet parts and crying because this was "HIS" job, I knew nothing about toilets other than how to clean them and flush them. So many moments...so many memories, and so many tears. I had no idea the human body could hold so many tears. I think I am posting in here again because I did want you all to know that it does get better, and when I was where you are now I got so much comfort in all the stories I read. Like only you could know how I felt. I did need to hear that things get better.... sometimes sooner for others, sometimes not so soon. After 2 years and 7 months I have not dated at all. I don't know if it is because I'm "too old", or was too much in love with him to let anyone else in.

My life is by far not over yet and I do keep busy. I just still miss him so...

[njgirl361]

Hi everyone...today is Mark's one month anniversay of his passing. I sit here and miss him so much that it is so painful. I can't believe a little over a month ago he was home, cooking dinner....or just hanging out like any other night. I always seem to be sadder this time of day...I guess because that's when he would get home from work. My kids go with their father on Tuesdays...so the house is empty now and this is when we would have some "alone" time..even if it was just hanging out watching TV together. Now I feel like I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone....it hurts so bad. I just want him back...I wish it were that easy.....Thanks for listening...Michele

[lauraa]

Everybody,

I am so sorry to read about all of your "aching hearts". I definitely know what that feels like! The 16th of this month wil be 18 months for me. My heart still aches...I am moving forward but still feel very sad! I lost the love of my life and still can't imagine the rest of my life without him. It is a rough process. Mostly the crazy agonizing denial that this couldn't possibly have happened "to us"......but it has and then that's the knock in the head I get to constantly be awakened to reality.....Up and down and all around! Everyday is an adventure as I always say. I still don't have a zest for the things I once did and still have to be careful "out there" as people are trying to push

me into going out more and doing things that I am totally not interested in. I am getting on with things because I have to for my kids but believe you/me I deserve an Academy award. I wish you all peace and please try to only take one day at a time. There are some things we can't control but alot we can. I will never be the same but hopefully if this doesn't kill me I will be stronger.

[computermemaw2]

It has been 2 1/2 years now and after realizing that I was slowly losing all emotions. No anticipation, excitement, fear everything...I wasn't even getting startled. I went to see the doctor and he said you are depressed. Now that I've spent over 2 years without him the pain isn't as overwhelming. I recently started taking "meds" and seeing a therapist. Because "THEY" say I should be much further along. The meds don't do anything, its like taking "Good n Plenty", and the therapist just asks " How was your week this week? I think I should have been talking to someone after 6 months. It probably took me that long to just be able to talk where someone could understand me through the sobbing. I still have bad days. Like when the toilet stopped working and I was in the plumbing aisle of "Home Depot" standing in front of toilet parts and crying because this was "HIS" job, I knew nothing about toilets other than how to clean them and flush them. So many moments...so many memories, and so many tears. I had no idea the human body could hold so many tears. I think I am posting in here again because I did want you all to know that it does get better, and when I was where you are now I got so much comfort in all the stories I read. Like only you could know how I felt. I did need to hear that things get better.... sometimes sooner for others, sometimes not so soon. After 2 years and 7 months I have not dated at all. I don't know if it is because I'm "too old", or was too much in love with him to let anyone else in.My life is by far not over yet and I do keep busy. I just still miss him so...

Your note struck a chord with me when I read it. I, too, have lost that zest for life I used to have. Nothing interests me any more. I do things on automatic most of the time and because it's something I'm supposed to do. And, I too, finally went to the doctor and was told I was depressed and needed to go onto medication. I find that I don't dwell on thoughts of my husband so much and can now tell myself those moments when I do think of my husband and start to cry "okay Gayle, it's time to concentrate on something else, this isn't doing any good." I will never forget my husband or put my memories of him "on the back burner." My life was so wrapped up in him, we had so many years together growing up together, I can't imagine him NOT in my life any longer. I had to smile, though, when you were talking about your toilet not working and standing in the aisle at Home Depot. God, I did the same thing! I'm standing there crying saying out loud "Edward (I called him Edward when annoyed with him instead of Eddy) this is YOUR job, I don't know squat about fixing a toilet--I shouldn't have to be here doing this!!!!!!! I'm sure people around me thought I was nuts. I see the changes going on in the town we live in and get so sad wondering if he sees all the "improvements", knowing exactly what he'd be saying. I miss that man so much--when's it going to stop? I haven't dated anyone else since Eddy, haven't even wanted to. And I don't have the energy. I'm too busy just trying to get through another day, trying to live a life that I don't even want to be living, trying to just keep going on. I'd feel a lot better though if I could just get a handle on this disorganization I seem to still be stuck in. I still feel I have no control over anything, and some tasks just seem insurmountable at times. But I'm going on. I don't think about the future--don't really feel I have one, and often wonder why I was left here without him, wonder what lesson in life I'm supposed to be learning now. I don't know if I'll ever have the answers, but I'm moving on,, one foot in front of the other--that's all we can do. Keep busy seems to be my motto. The 27th of this month would have been our 35th anniversary, instead I'm unbelievably saying to myself "I can't believe almost 2 years have gone by--I don't even remember the days passing"--yet I remember his dying as if it were yesterday. Church makes me sad, God has made me still mad - although I know God didn't take Eddy, he had a heart attack. When I see the commercials on TV about taking the aspirin a day I almost have to get up and walk out of the room. My husband took his vitamins and aspirin every day--and look at the good it did him. But I have to keep trying to focus on the memories of us together. We had a lot more time with each others than some, had our fair share of both good and bad times. But we always said we could get through anything as long as we were together, at least we had each other. I miss him so much, and if he were here with me right now, I'd probably be giving him pure hell for making me go through all these emotions! (grin). Sometimes I tell him, Edward, if you think I'm going to stop talking to you just because you're in heaven now, you've got another think coming. It took me a lot of time and effort to make you notice me and I'm not letting you go that easily. I'm sure he's got a silly grin on his face up there!!!!! He always did think he was God's gift to women. Gayle

[jlizzy]

Chris, Laura, Michele, NJ girl and everyone,

A friend stands by you no matter what. I am lucky that I have one really

good friend; since Bob passed, she calls me twice a week to make sure I

am okay. She doesnt let me talk about Bob too much because she and her

husband saw Bob three days before he passed and the last thing she said

to him was,"I will see you when I see you" and his reply was, "Not if I

see you first". She is a couple of years younger than me and her husband

is just one year younger and I know that when Bob passed the realization

that she could lose her husband hit home with her. But she is a good

friend. I have another friend and her husband who will talk about Bob

for hours with me and they come to PA twice a year to go to the

holistic fair with me. When I am with them, it feels as though Bob is

right there with us and I feel great; when they leave for home, I cry.

Probably because they are the only ones who I can let myself go and

they listen to all my hurt and fears and they seem to understand

why I dont look at a future. And they are like my adopted son and daughter,

they are the same age as my oldest son ( in their mid thirties).

The 27th of October was 16 months that Bob went to Gods house and I think

the only future that I have now is the time that he comes to get me to

join him. I realize that this could be a long time from now, but I am

willing to wait here and just take one day at a time. I watch my

grandchildren and I try to imagine their lives without Bob. We talk

about him all the time and they miss him too. But he had so much to

teach them and he was so good at teaching them. He had a special way

about him. When one of them comes to me with a question, I try to

figure out how Bob would answer them.

No matter how long you have been grieving (one day or years), dont let

anyone try to rush you to do things you arent ready for. This is your

grief and you will handle it in you own time. Some people have asked me

how I am coping and I tell them the truth. Most dont want to hear it,

but I tell them if they dont want to know, then dont ask me.

Gayle,

I know what you mean about commercials, I have to turn the channel whenever

they have one on cancer and the people who have been helped. I always wonder

why they didnt help Bob. And then there is a commercial where people and

cars are coming apart, I dont know how to explain, but they are like

digital and coming apart. I cant watch that at all either. I dont know

exactly why, it just distrubs me so much.

Laura,

we are in about the same time frame, so I try to compare my feelings with

yours and we seem to be in the same place. When you post, I get a little

stronger.

God Bless You All in your Journey

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce and Gayle,

I feel the same way when I read your post.I think we are all close to the same time frame of loosing of "soulmates". When you two write it is if I wrote it. I don't have the answers to any of this. I feel like a "lone ranger" in life and just going about it aimlessly. I am at a point where I feel like all the stress has taken a toll on me. My main goal for myself is to get rest and try and stay as even as I can. I am also on a med for anxiety which I am taking gladly and it helps me do just that! I am not a big med person but sometimes we have to get the help where/when we can. We are all "troopers". Otherwise, we wouldn't still be here....I never/ever thought I could get thru a couple of weeks without my husband and now it has been 18 months.....I just can't believe it. Someone told me today about a woman who lost her husband but he said she had it worse than me because he had $50,000 in life insurance and in debt for 47. That is the second person that has said that to me....how the hell do they know how much $$$$ I have? I just raised my eye brows at him and bit my lips together. The other day a friend of mine told me she thinks I should go to my office Christmas party because my boss has been good to me (she doesn't work there). I told her I don't owe anybody anything and if he wanted to be good to me it should be because he wants to and then I said I will not feel guilty for not going to a party with all married couples and just me as the single in a limo at Christmas.....what, is she nuts? I said if you lost your husband or one of your kids that is the last thing you would want to do at Christmas. I told her she shouldn't tell me what to do because she has absolutely no idea what it is like because she hasn't experienced a loss like this....that shut her and the other girl up quick....and then people want to know why you don't want to go out and just want to stay home (that was my night out). I would rather just be alone....I know you all can relate to this....Thanks for writing and supporting me thru my hardship....you all have helped me stay sane.....Your all in my heart!

[jlizzy]

Laura,

I know what you mean. Nobody knows what we are going through unless they

are going through it. I havent been anywhere with anyone but my family

in the past 16 months, I just cant be around couples. I feel so jealous

of them because they still have each other. My girlfriend called me last

night to let me know that she and her husband were attending a wedding

today and they were at this really nice hotel in NJ. I had a hard time

talking to her because I felt myself getting jealous. This friend has

been there for me through the suffering my husband went through (her

and her husband made it a point to come to see my husband a couple of

days before he passed--they have been close friends for over 20 years)

In the past 16 months she calls me at least 3 times a week to make

sure I am okay. I dont know what I would have done without her and yet

I felt jealousy last night. They were together and I dont have my

husband to go places with. I havent spent a night with my husband in

16 months and I never will be able to again.

the holidays are coming quickly and I dread them again this year.

If it were up to me, I would go to sleep a week before Thanksgiving

and not wake up until January 4th. In some ways it is getting easier

and in other ways, it is harder than it was. Does that make sense?

I know that I am strong, but I have days when I dont want to be

strong anymore; I want someone to take care of me. But there never

will be anyone else to take care of me and I know that, I just find

it hard to face that fact.

I now live in limbo and I remember every good time we had together

and that is what gets me through day by day.Besides my talking to

my husband every day. Although I cant get to church, my faith in

God is still alive and stronger than ever. I realize that there is

a reason that I have to go through this, I just dont know why and

I dont ask anymore. Although I do keep asking my husband why he

left me here in PA with my son and his family. With a daughter-in-law

that really doesnt like me. But I guess that I will find that out too

in time.

Dont do anything that doesnt feel right to you. You are right in

telling people just how you feel about their trying to push you

into going. Your boss should be nice to you because he wants to,

you shouldnt have to pay him back.

I, too, like it better when I am home. I gues that is because my

husband died here at home and I have his ashes here with me. I dont

know. I just know that I feel better when I am at home and dont

have to face couples. So I do what feels right for me and you

should do the same.

Take care of yourself

God Bless

Joyce

[loved426yrs]

Laura,

I know what you mean. Nobody knows what we are going through unless they

are going through it. I havent been anywhere with anyone but my family

in the past 16 months, I just cant be around couples. I feel so jealous

of them because they still have each other. My girlfriend called me last

night to let me know that she and her husband were attending a wedding

today and they were at this really nice hotel in NJ. I had a hard time

talking to her because I felt myself getting jealous. This friend has

been there for me through the suffering my husband went through (her

and her husband made it a point to come to see my husband a couple of

days before he passed--they have been close friends for over 20 years)

In the past 16 months she calls me at least 3 times a week to make

sure I am okay. I dont know what I would have done without her and yet

I felt jealousy last night. They were together and I dont have my

husband to go places with. I havent spent a night with my husband in

16 months and I never will be able to again.

the holidays are coming quickly and I dread them again this year.

If it were up to me, I would go to sleep a week before Thanksgiving

and not wake up until January 4th. In some ways it is getting easier

and in other ways, it is harder than it was. Does that make sense?

I know that I am strong, but I have days when I dont want to be

strong anymore; I want someone to take care of me. But there never

will be anyone else to take care of me and I know that, I just find

it hard to face that fact.

I now live in limbo and I remember every good time we had together

and that is what gets me through day by day.Besides my talking to

my husband every day. Although I cant get to church, my faith in

God is still alive and stronger than ever. I realize that there is

a reason that I have to go through this, I just dont know why and

I dont ask anymore. Although I do keep asking my husband why he

left me here in PA with my son and his family. With a daughter-in-law

that really doesnt like me. But I guess that I will find that out too

in time.

Dont do anything that doesnt feel right to you. You are right in

telling people just how you feel about their trying to push you

into going. Your boss should be nice to you because he wants to,

you shouldnt have to pay him back.

I, too, like it better when I am home. I gues that is because my

husband died here at home and I have his ashes here with me. I dont

know. I just know that I feel better when I am at home and dont

have to face couples. So I do what feels right for me and you

should do the same.

Take care of yourself

God Bless

Joyce

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies,

Haven't checked in in awhile! (sorry!) things have been hectic with the 2 little ones..I have been doing ok, I guess. Not particularly depressed..nor happy for that matter. just existing I guess. I really need to make a huge effort for the sake of my children though and I've learned life does go on, wether you want it to or not. I am taking my 20mo and the baby to Disneyland for Thanksgiving. (we are meeting my SIL& BIL and the cousins for a week) I figure it will be easier on all of us if we are out of the house. and we will be with family so that will help a little I think! I think my son is going to love it! =) hoping I can feel like a kid too for a little bit.lol. I've never been to Disney and I am getting excited for the trip! (something to look forward to anyway) Otherwise I'm starting to think about cleaning out DH's clothes and things but haven't gotten to the point of making myself do it yet. I guess there's no hurry, so I'm in no rush. it's going to be hard anyway I look at it though. I've had family and freinds offer to come "help" but it just feels like something I need to do myself,alone. I want to make the kids a quilt with his jeans, so I'll be saving those. The police investigation is nearing completion. I am kind of nervous over it because I am scared of anymore surprises. JUst the fact he was using cocaine was a big enough shock for me and taken me the last 2 months to get through it & accept it. It still makes me sad & mad, but at least we had 8 great years together. I know whatever demons he was fighting, he is at peace now. I don't love him any less. I just feel soooo stupid for not noticing. well I did notice mood swings but I thought he was just stressed over the new baby and bills,etc. I would have never guessed.. Anyway I want to concentrate on living in the present than in the past but some days it's so damn hard! I miss him sooo much but I feel like I'm at a turning point of sorts in my life. Though I have no idea what direction my future will take me in. I'm sure you all know what I mean. Hope you all are doing well. MIchele, how many weeks do you have left until your babe is due? I can't wait to hear about it. Hope everyone else is well. I will try to check in more often.

Love,

April

[njgirl361]

Hi April....I haven't posted lately either....I've actually been busy around the house trying to get things organized for the baby's arrival. I finally feel less "paralyzed" and am able to do simple things..like organizing the baby's clothes and worrying about the house. I was in such a bad place for the past month that nothing seemed to matter or be worth while. This baby is pushing me to "care" about the everyday things....although Mark is always on my mind....maybe he is helping me through it.....who knows? So many unanswered questions go through my mind and all the "why's".....you can absolutley drive yourself crazy. My boys are with their father this week in Florida...so I have time to do the stuff around here without taking care of them....my friends and family have been coming over to help me...thank god for them. I'm so happy to hear your going away with the kids....you'll have a good time...just watching them enjoy themselves....As you can tell, today is not such a "bad one"...but sometimes it all creeps up on me and there I am again...In pain and hysterical crying...I hope your having a good day....Michele

[iocasti]

Hello to each one of you in here..and have a nice week...

today at work first christmas songs made me feel for once again the lonlyness in my life, the empty future that is waiting for me.It has been almost 9 mounths since i lost HIM..I go on..i dont cry everyday...i smile many times...i am full of my childrens love....BUT BUT BUT...i am a half person...i dont have an adult in my life to share my agony in raising my children...i dont have my love to share happy moments...i am SCARED of Christmas Holidays when everyone else in my age will selebrate..and me? i ll have to pretend for my kids and feel sorry inside me for myself and my man who is not with me to selebrate to feel the warm of his home...to share a hug...how can i enjoy the christmas tree...if only there was a place to get in and not hear not feel...if only we all in here could be together and comfort eachother...love you all...do the best you can.....

[butlergirl]

hello i just recently lost my husband on sept 9th 2005. he was 23 and so was i we just got married in april and i am 7 months preg. its been very difficult for me. this is so new to me, i am so confused i dont know what to do anymore. I have read some of the messages and they have made me cry cause its alot like how i feel. like about being numb and confused.i miss his smile and i miss every little thing about him. i have been in denial. and i know i will be for a while cause i just can't bare the pain. i have managed to keep myself together and not let myself grieve the way i prob should be because i am preg and have had 2 miscarriages already in the last year and i cant bare to loose my baby. i dont really have anyone to talk to thats in my same kinda situation.i have alot of problems with anxiety and panic attacks. i am in counseling and it helps a lil but its not the same as having someone to just talk to thats been in my shoes.christmas is coming up and its very depressing. christmas has always been a huge thing to me. i would keep decorations up all year long if i knew i could get away with it lol.. but just the thought of christmas makes me wanna fall apart. is this natural? if someone could please give me advice or anything i would greatly appreciate it. my email addy is tjbutler3430@sbcglobal.net thanks so much

[jlizzy]

Butlergirl,

I am sorry for you loss, we all here know how hard this is for you

for we all have gone through it already. But you have come to the right

place, everyone here supports each other and understands what you are

going through. We all grieve in our own way and you have to do the same

thing. Dont let anyone rush you through your grief. Nobody understands

unless they have gone through or are going through what you are going

through.

Iocasti,

I know what you mean about Xmas. I too was big on the Xmas holiday.

Xmas 2003 was heartbreaking because my Bob was so terribly sick;

Xmas 2004 was the first without him and it was so hard for me.

I kept up appearances for my grandchildren, but I was hurting inside.

but I got through it

New Years Eve 2003, my husband and I watched the ball drop in NYC

and as I wished him a Happy New Year for 2004 and kissed him, a feeling came

over me that it wasnt going to be a good year. Bob was admitted to

the hospital in January 2004 and after 2 weeks of testing, they diagnosed

cancer. He passed away June 2004.

Michele,

I am glad that you are preparing for the birth of you baby, Be assured

that you husband is with you always, in spirit. It is good that you

have help. I wish you all the best, when is the baby due?

April,

It is good that you are going to take the kids to Disney for Thanksgiving.

On the first anniversary of Bobs passing, I took my sons and grandchildren

to an old cowboy town in NJ for the day. It was the best thing I could

do for all of us. We had a great time, the grandchildren loved it and

asked when they could go back. It was good doing something with the

kids and grandkids that Bob wanted to do, but never go around to doing

it.

Bob always acted like a kid and that's one of the things I loved about

him. I used to tease him about it.

None of us know where the road in life will lead us. I always am

thinking, "What would Bob want me to do?" and I do it.

I had 34 years with Bob and we were like one.

Take care everyone,

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

I am so sorry to see all you newcomers to this site. But, please know we are all here because we know what you are feeling. It will be almost 18 months for me since I lost my husband. I know how discouraging it to read that after all this time some of us are still struggling. All I can say is it does take time. WE all have to go thru this pain and we have to do it our way and in our own time. Reach out to only the ones you feel the most support from. I have learned alot thru this time....the biggest is the realization that everyone goes away after the funeral and that includes friends and family.....that is very confusing and hurtful. I learned that it is really me that is going to get me thru this. I pray to my husband all the time. I feel as if he is still right next to me and I always know what he would say. I am still trying to love life again...I adore my kids and they are my purpose but I am searching for wholeness again. Don't know if I will ever really find it. I lost my high school sweetheart...we were joined at the hip from the age of 14 until his "passing". We had high goals that we made together and we accomplished them....we thought alike and we adored each other...and then he was taken from me. A piece of my heart was taken when he passed. I guess my life has a different purpose now than what I thought. I am angry at god still. I hate that but I can't get around it. Why and how could this happen. I know you all are wondering the same thing. All I know is we all have to take really good care of ourselves to try and beat this exhaustion that grieving brings. I just don't know what each new day will bring. This grief work is hard. I might have a good day and then the next is pure hell???? Anything can set me off and believe me I am a strong one....."We grieve as deep as we loved"....that's all I can say! I do know our love ones are with us still and so I am working at communicating with him in spirit......I can still see every inch of his body. You all will make it, too.....this site has given me so much strength and sometimes it has been the only support I had and I am thankful for that. Keep writing!

[jlizzy]

Laura,

You gave me a lot of strength in the past 16 months and I am grateful to

you and others here who helped me. I have grieved as much as I loved.

I am trying to find a way to strengthen my spiritual side so that I can

communicate with my husband. As far as finding anyone else, that will never

happen for me. I dont want anyone else. So maybe I will never be hole again,

I dont know. 16 months ago, I didnt think I would make it this far; but I

have. Now, I must find my way in life alone and I am content with that.

I go tomorrow for my SSD appeal and am praying that it goes through.

I just need to get back on track and I feel that my husband is doing the

best he can to help me. Oh no, a song on the radio again. So the tears

are starting. God I am beginning to hate certain songs, but I cant seem

to turn them off. I hurt when I hear them, but I must listen. Do you

know what I mean?? The only song I cant listen to yet is the TWIST;

because it was our song wherever we went. Bob would request it and we

would dance the twist together; even at home if the radio was on and

the TWIST came on, he would stop what he was doing, grab me and we would

do the twist. Wow, its over.

Got to go

God Bless

Joyce

[lynnie]

Hi everyone, gosh it has been at least 1 year since I have posted anything in here. My husband passed away April 7th 2003. We were together 34 years. Although the saying "Time heals" is somewhat true, I still hurt. It has been 2 1/2 years now and after realizing that I was slowly losing all emotions. No anticipation, excitement, fear everything...I wasn't even getting startled. I went to see the doctor and he said you are depressed. I still visit the cemetary every week. I rarely dream of him. I still miss him so. My heart aches for all of you going thru those first painful months of lonliness. I think I finally thought I was getting better after the first year passed. Just remembering where we were "last year" hurt. Now that I've spent over 2 years without him the pain isn't as overwhelming. I recently started taking "meds" and seeing a therapist. Because "THEY" say I should be much further along. The meds don't do anything, its like taking "Good n Plenty", and the therapist just asks " How was your week this week? I think I should have been talking to someone after 6 months. It probably took me that long to just be able to talk where someone could understand me through the sobbing. I still have bad days. Like when the toilet stopped working and I was in the plumbing aisle of "Home Depot" standing in front of toilet parts and crying because this was "HIS" job, I knew nothing about toilets other than how to clean them and flush them. So many moments...so many memories, and so many tears. I had no idea the human body could hold so many tears. I think I am posting in here again because I did want you all to know that it does get better, and when I was where you are now I got so much comfort in all the stories I read. Like only you could know how I felt. I did need to hear that things get better.... sometimes sooner for others, sometimes not so soon. After 2 years and 7 months I have not dated at all. I don't know if it is because I'm "too old", or was too much in love with him to let anyone else in.

My life is by far not over yet and I do keep busy. I just still miss him so...

[lynnie]

It's over 8 months since I last posted. David died on 23rd December 2004. I have been through every anniversary apart from the last one - the day he died. I am scared - I am still lost. I have no idea how to re-live the day. I don't want to. I don't want Christmas - I don't want a new year. I want him. It's not going to happen - I know. I have been doing OK. But now it really hurts. This time last year I had no idea the pain that was going to be inflicted. I know when I get through this last anniversary it won't be the end. It will never be the end.

Love to all of you going through pain and heartache. It helps that I am not alone. The tears come more now than they ever did. With God's help I will get through this.

God bless all

Lynn

[lauraa]

Lynnie,

I am so sorry for your pain. It's horrible...we all know "here". I lost my husband 18 months ago and in some ways I am just beginning my grieving. I think there are so many layers to it and it takes time. Please know you aren't alone when you are here. We can all help you just by listening. No-one "out there" knows unless they have been thru this themselves. I have sheltered byself for the most part but recently I have ventured out and now I know why I did isolate myself...people say, "the darnest things".....They mean well but just don't know what to say......it usually comes out dumb on their part. Please know you can always tell all of us here how you "really" feel....and it will always be o.k.....I will admit to the fact that I am depressed but it is normal for this process. Counseling has saved me and so has to board. Reading about the afterlife has also helped me...just to know that he lives on and is really still with me helps and to know he is not suffering any longer........In his short years here on earth he sure packed in a full lifetime....He said he would not have done things differently so I know his life was meaningful....I am thankful for that! Keep your chin up and take special care of yourself....he would want that for you!

Joyce, I will be thinking of you tomorrow when you appear your S/S....and send extra prayers your way...keep us posted.

[melissa1026]

This is my first time doing this.. I wanted all of you to know that reading your stories helps... my husband is still with me but, he is so ill and I fear the time is coming soon.. he told me the other night he was so tired of being sick he just wanted to go.. I have a hard time with that.. i want him here forever... it does help to see that most of you are saying that time will heal my sorrow but i am so scared. like most of you my husband and i are sole mates.. he makes me laugh and smile even when he's so sick. we've had 21 years of happiness and like most of you i do not want another husband because i will never find one that fills my heart like he does... i just hope that with prayers that i can get thru this. i am and emotional wreck just wating for the bomb to drop. not knowing when . and hoping that it never does.

thanks for being there.

[lauraa]

Melissa1026,

I will keep you in my prayers. This is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I hope with all of us here to listen it will help lift you up. What you are feeling is so overwhelming as you probally know the reality but if you are like me I held out hope until my husband took his last breathe. Whatever you do just make sure every second you tell him how much you love him because in your grieving that is what you will hold onto. You and everyone else here are all in my heart and prayers.

[melissa1026]

Thank you Laura.. i am sitting here and shaking. not knowing what the day or night will bring.. i am so thankful that i found this site. Since his first heart attack in 1989 there has never been a time when i left for work or even walked out the door and even with telephone calls that i have not told him that i love him. i know he knows that. and i know how much he loves me by trying to keep me smiling... it's so selfish of me to feel so sad and alone and he's still with me.. but in 89 he was in a coma for 4 weeks and i missed his holding me and talking to me and I know that when the time comes that this will be forever and he won't come back to hold me. I am going to surround him with all the love i have. It scares me that so many like you even 18 months after are still greaving.. i am not strong and feel that i will drop off the deep end. i do not like to be alone and fear that i will be.

[lauraa]

Melissa,

I know the fear. Thank god you found this site as everyone here knows your pain and what you are facing. Sometimes I felt so alone that this site was the only support I felt as everyone here truely knows. You will move forward because your husband will not want you to be sad and when you get really low that is what will keep your going. I always say.we grieve as deeply as we loved". How can we not when we loose the grestest love of our lives. Keep posting here as you will meet great people who will understand and listen. Youur in my thoughts and prayers.

[njgirl361]

Hi everyone...I haven't posted in about a week....I hope you are feeling ok (whatever that is)....I have about 2 weeks left before the baby is born. The doctor is talking about inducing me the day before thanksgiving...which is fine with me..because that's one less holiday I'll have to deal with. Today was a bad day...I miss Mark so much...I still can't believe I'll never see him again....somedays are just so hard to get through. Thank God for the days that are somewhat bareable. I am so mad at God today too..and I know I shouldn't be...I feel like screaming that he took the love of my life away and didn't even give him the opportunity to meet his baby boy! It's just not fair~! I'm sorry...I know you all feel like your situations aren't fair either..and they're not......this sucks...big time. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!! maybe I'll stop crying for a little while now. Take care...michele

[jlizzy]

Melissa,

I know exactly what you are going through. My husband, Bob, was diagnosed

with cancer in January, 2004. I had promised him he wouldnt die alone in

some hospital. We had hospice (thank God for them) so we could keep him

home. I was there when he saw the beginning of the tunnel. That was when

I hd to face the fact that he was going to pass away. I wanted him out

of pain; but at the same time, I didnt want to lose him.We had plans of

retiring together; walking on the beach holding hands like a couple of

teenagers; he wanted to get a trailer and travel across country. But I

had to face the reality. It was so hard, all I could do was hold him,

and let him know how much I loved him. Two days before he passed away,

I had put up the families photos next to his bed and when I put mine

up, he went balistic on me. He started crying, shaking and thrashing

about the bed. I had to give him medication.

I did all I could for him, but he passed away in June,2005.

I still see him in the recliner; I still feel him in bed; I still talk

to him as if he was here with me.

I found out that there is no way to prepare for what I have been through,

although I tried to prepare myself. I wish I had found this site before

Bob passed away, maybe I would have been more prepared for what I was

going to go through--I dont know.

Now all I do is the things that he wanted to do but never got around

to doing. I feel that that is what he would want me to do, so I do.

The only thing that I cant do is renew our vows in church together;

but I tell him how much I love him every day.

Take care of yourself, I know how hard this is on you.

May God Watch over you and your husband

Joyce

[lauraa]

To ALl,

I am very angry still. So pissed I have had a very difficult time praying to god over the last year. I have been crying alot lately (lots of anniversaries at this time). Yesterday I laid in the bathtub and yelled to god, "why did you take my husband from me"....please help me survive this! I cried this morning while my kids were sleeping while I was lying on the couch looking out the skylite at the sky and asked for a sign to give me hope..a short while later I was watching t.v. and above on the wall a reflection came thru...it was a round aura with a cross in the center of it......What do you all think about that? My husband said so many times to me that he felt he was "carrying the cross".....whenever he said said that I felt that he was the closest to god that he could be despite his suffering.....I always told him, "stay in the light" thru his suffering. He said he wasn't afraid to die, he just didn't want to leave his family. Now, I feel we as a family are carrying our cross. I think the sign I got today was god saying that my husband is with him and there is eternal life and that they are both with us.

I wish you all peace and love. If I could I would most definitely take all of your pain away....You are all in my heart and prayers. This is the worst thing any of us will ever go thru....What doesn't kill us will make us stronger....right? This is so difficult because it is the one thing in my life that I couldn't fix....if there was ever anything that didn't work out my way then I always felt it wasn't meant to be.....this one hurts so deeply and it is so frustrating to not be able to fix it and then to have to go thru all the grieving is just devastating.....Love to all of you!

[melissa1026]

I keep telling myslef that all of you have gone thru this and have gotten thru it and so can i...I am so glad that i found this site. My heart breaks for all of you. Each one of us has a different road ahead of us but we will be ok... it's just getting to a point where it doesn't hurt so much...and not knowing when that will be..Some days will be better than others. I just sometimes want to get in the car and keep driving. Thinking maybe if i just lost myself i wouldn't feel so sad. My husband is getting tired of me asking if he is ok. I don't know what else to do. Every time he puts his hand on his chest i think he's having pains, then my stomach sinks and I get scared that this is it.. I try to tell myslef that I will be ready but I know I wont. It helps to know that others have been thur this and can help me. I don't know that I would be of any help to any of you but I am here and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

[melissa1026]

JLIZZY,

Thank you so much for your support.It helps to know that I am not alone and that what i am feeling is somewhat normal and that you and others know exactly what i am going thru.. there is no one that knows other than someone that has faced this. I have friends that say I've had time to prepare myself and that I should not be so panicked now that the time is near.. i just want to slap them. they have no idea. they tell me to just get over it.. like it would be easy. i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. He is my soul mate. I can't let myself think about him not being there . No one loves me as he does. I have sisters but they have there own families. I have a daughter who is 27 but mentally hadicaped. In her mind she is 9. she will always be my little girl. how much this will hurt her. Sometimes i feel like backing away and that if i don't love him so much it won't hurt so much.. who am i kidding.. i love him with all my heart and soul. i guess i just need to let some things out today. thank you for being there.

[njgirl361]

Melissa... I'm so sorry to hear what your going through. I don't know what's worse...seeing the person you love with all your hear suffer or losing someone so quickly that you never saw it coming. I lost my fiance 6 weeks ago...sudden heart attack...he kissed me goodbye that morning and went to work...and never came back. I wish I had an opportunity to say things to him...to talk about him crossing over...just to give him one last hug and kiss. I am having his baby boy in 2 weeks and my heart breaks constantly that he is not here to share my life and baby with me. I also have 3 boys from my previous marriage who are very upset as well. I wish I could say something to make this easier for you....just cherish every moment with him....we all have a long road ahead...if you need to talk feel free anytime....somedays are definitely harder than others....somehow I manage to muster up the strength to get through each day...it's not easy...but I have to keep thinking that life will eventually get better....and you are right...you're friends don't understand and you know what....up until 6 weeks ago (today)...either did I. Please take care....Michele

[melissa1026]

Michelle

My heart breaks for you and what you are going thru. knowing that he will never see the little ones face... oh i feel that what i am feeling is so petty compared to yours.. I just get so scared sometimes.. like now, he's been in bed for a couple of hrs and i haven't checked on him cause i'm scared of what i might find. that he's gone..

Thank you i am so glad that we have each other. no one that i know even comes close to understanding how i feel or what i'm going thru. They seem to think since he's been sick so long that i've had time to prepare and you know what it doesn't work that way. i am blessed that i can still tell him how much he means to me and how much i love him. i don't even begin to pretend to know what you're going thru. with it happening so suddenly and to be pregnant. i wish you the best, and pray that it will get easier for you when the baby gets here and you can hold his love for you in your arms.

[njgirl361]

Melissa - I woke up and for some reason I was thinking of you and what you're going through. How is he today? I hope he's not in too much pain....thank god he has you there with him. We all have a "role" to play in this short life....I'm not sure what mine is yet. But we need to believe that we were all put here for some kind of purpose and that sometimes our souls are done with what they've had to accomplish here and are needed elsewhere. My girlfriend is sending me a book by George Anderson (the physic)...she says it is a wonderful help in understanding death and the afterlife..I am looking forward to reading it..maybe it'll help me accept things. Is your husband older? My fiance was only 40...not that it matters or makes things easier..but it's hard to understand why is life was taken at such a young age. I hope your husband is having a better day today....I'm not sure of what his illness is but like I said, he's lucky to have you by his side as painful as it may be. God Bless...Michele

[jlizzy]

Melisa,

I dont know your exact situation; but my heart goes out to you and your

husband and you are in my prayers. For I know what it is like to watch your

soulmate suffer. You are right, there is no way to prepare for what is coming

and nobody knows what you are going through unless they have gone through

it themselves. Many people have told me it was easier for me because I got

a chance to say good bye; but you know it was just as hard as those who

lost loved ones quickly.

I have gone through what you are going through. There were many days where

I was afraid to go in and check on my husband because I was afraid that

he would be gone; but I made myself check on him.

I do feel fortunate (if that is the right way to say it) that I could

comfort my husband during his time of need and passing. At least I got

the chance to say good bye to him and let him know just how much I love

him and I always will.

When they diagnosed my husband with cancer, we moved in with my son and

his family. Two weeks before my husband passed, my son and his wife

went to NJ to see John Edwards. While they were gone, I was making

dinner and my husband yelled from the other room that the house was

on fire, there was smoke on the ceiling. I ran to his room, but didnt

see anything. The next day, I spoke with his hospice nurse (I thought

that he was hallucinating); she told me that what he saw was the

beginning of the tunnel (you must have heard about people with near

death experiences say they saw the tunnel). When she told me, my

first impulse was to run to my husband, but I couldnt because I couldnt

tell him he was dying. I didnt know what to do. I ran outside the

house, where he couldnt hear me, and I just screamed and cried, "I

cant do this". After I calmed down, I went and hugged him and kissed

him and told him we are going to win this fight. I know in my heart

that he didnt believe me, he knew he was going to die. For in

January, he told me that the cancer was all through his body and

the doctors were telling me it wasnt. But he knew.

not two weeks after, he passed.

The hospice nurses were really good. The Sunday he passed, the nurse

came in the morning and told us that he would pass in a couple of

hours. I dont know if he heard what she said, I am not sure how much

he was aware of what was going on around him at that point. But I

called our son in NJ and told him to get here as soon as possible and

he did. So when my husband passed at 9:30PM that night, my sons were

holding his hands and I was holding him.

The hospice nurses told me there were signs to watch for but that everyone

does and goes through differently.

For my husband it went this way:

First he saw the beginning of the tunnel

Then, after being in bed for 5 days, he wanted to sit in his recliner

and watch TV. I was sitting on a chair next to him, holdling his hand.

There was a scene where a man robbed a store, ran out of the store and

got hit by a car. At his point, we both said at the same time, "He deserved

that". And my husband looked at me and said "We will always be in sinx

this way".

Third, a day or so before he passed, he started screaming, "Get away from

me, I hate you. I dont want you here when I come." I ran over and grabbed

his hand and asked him who he was talking to. He told me his real father

was here and he doesnt want him here. (his father deserted him at birth,

claiming he wasnt his child). I comforted my husband and told him to

look for someone else. For the next day or so, I heard him talking to

people; he would say things like, "I love you, Yes, I know its okay,

Yes, you are my mother (must have been his foster mother who raised him),

No not yet."

It's been 16 1/2 months now and I must say that I am doing better, not

good but better. I am not crying as much but when I cry, I really cry.

Anything can set me off; a smell, a song, a place or just a thing.

Enjoy the time you both have left, I know it is hard. What I did was

talk to my husband about the good things we did together. I think it

made it a little easier on him, at least I hope it did. I was left

with a lot of good memories and I treasure all of them and I think

about them every day.

Hang in there, take one day at a time. My prayers are with you.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Laura,

I know how hard this is for you, for I am right near the point you are at.

I think the cross with an aura is God telling you that you are healing

even though you may not think so. He is trying to let you know that your

husband is okay and so will you be.

all the signs are around us, we just have to be open enough to see them.

Last week, I couldnt sleep because every time I closed my eyes I kept

seeing people walking down a steet, just walking not going anywhere.

The dream was in black/white and it scared me. I still am not sure what

it meant. Any thoughts? I was told that black/white dreams or visions

arent good ones.

I am so glad that this site exists because it is my only outlet for

all of my feelings. My girlfriend doesnt understand and I think she

is afraid her husband will go first. Although they are both in good

health. I wish I had gone first because all of this hurts so much

that at times it is unbearable. But I know that God has a purpose for

me going through this-- it doesnt help.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Michele,

I found that after my husband passed, it helped to read some of the

books on after life. What helped me a lot was James Van Praagh,

Heaven and Earth.

I am a firm believer in the afterlife, losing my husband reinforced

my beliefs. It is the one thing I dont fear is passing. For I know

that he and my family will be there for me to help lead me through

the tunnel.

A physic told me that my husband is waiting by the water for me.

Which makes sense because I have his ashes and when I pass, I will

be cremated because my body will be donated to research, like his

was, and our sons will take my ashes along with his and spread

them over water. This was what we wanted because it would join us

together.

There is a holistic fair here in Allentown twice a year and I have

been going and will continue to go. It helps me to speak to a

medium and the one I go to is an Indian. My husband was big on

the indian beliefs. It also helps me to read on afterlife.

So, read whatever you can that helps you. This is a hard time and

you need to understand as much as you can. It will help.

God Bless

Joyce

[melissa1026]

Thank all of you for being there for me. There is no one here that i can talk to as openly as i can here with you. Yesterday and today have been bad days. i am just waiting for the bomb to drop. At least when i go to work my mind can think of something else. i want to be here for him yet i don't want to be here alone when the time comes. i'm sure you know what i am talking about..

How are you JLIZZY and Michelle and Laura? i appreciate any guidance and help all of you may have.. i don't know how long i will have him with me and i am already feeling sorry for myslef.. i feel petty and selfish.. i just don't like my situation. 21 years with him and i don't want to be without him..

we go to the dr tomorrow to see what lays ahead of us.. he's not willing to try anything new.. he wants it to be over he's so tired of being ill. i just don't want to let go.

[njgirl361]

JLIZZY---- I'm not sure what the black and white dream meant, however, I do think the people walking and not going anywhere may symbolize that you need to get on with your life. That is the first thing that popped into my head....walking but not getting anywhere...Who knows why we have these dreams..it's strange that under "normal" circumstances we don't think much of them...but when we're grieving we look for any breakthrough wether in our dreams or during our waking hours. Maybe that was your husband's way of saying...it's ok to move on. Let me know what you think. Michele

[jlizzy]

Melissa,

I know exactly what you are going through and it's not easy. The problem

with knowing that your loved one is going to pass is really hard.

You suffer with him before and you grieve alone after. I dont know how

to help you right now. All I can say is to enjoy the time you have left

it is hard but it will help you later. Bob and I talked about almost

everything: we talked about our sons/grandchildren; we talked about

the good times we had; we talked about each other. We forgave each

other for anything that we did that we regretted. There was a point

where Bob said he was afraid and I got into bed with him and held

him and told him to talk to God; that I was doing all I could to help

him stay with me. I also told him that I was afraid too, I couldnt

imagine life without him after 34 years. He was my life.

I watched the pain that Bob went through and I could understand

why he stopped fighting, even though I didnt like it. The pain

wears them down. I dont remember if you said what is wrong with

your husband, not that it matters. But it might help you talk about

that too, because it will release your hate for that too.

I know that I hate cancer, especially since I beat it years ago

and Bob helped me; but I couldnt help him beat it. My cancer was

cervical and his started in a mass in his back and was misdiagnosed.

Talk all you can right now - we are all here for you; as we will be

after.

I am praying for both of you, because I know what you are both going

through.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Michele,

I didnt think of that, thanks. You might be right because last night was

really bad one. I kept remembering my past with Bob and couldnt sleep.

I just sat outside in the warm breeze and thought about Bob. 34 years

is hard to give up and go on. I guess that my situation isnt helping

either. My lawyer told me that SSD will let me know in 2 months if

they consider me disabled and if so, I will get a check 3 months later.

Which means I have to stay put until then.

You cant imagine how hard it is to live in my sons family room, hearing

what is going on. Things i shouldnt be hearing, things I shouldnt be

seeing.

Then not be able to get into doctors offices because my medicaid isnt

taken by the good doctors.

Enough, I cant be depressed today--bad enough I didnt get enough sleep

last night. I have to go to Grandparents Thanksgiving Dinner at my

grandsons school.

Melissa,

one last thought. You said you are selfish-- Be selfish, be with your

husband as much as you can. You have a right to be selfish right now.

Take in as much as you can, it will help you later.

Laura,

I hope you are doing better. God, I have come to hate Christmas and I loved

it so much. I cant listen to all those songs-- they hurt so much now.

Well, I guess I will be turning the radio on and off again and as it gets

closer, I just wont listen to the radio.

God Bless

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Mellisa,

I forgot to ask you; Did you go to the doctor? What did he have to

say?

I know what its like to see your spouse give up when you want to

keep fighting.

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hey Everyone,

Joyce, I know that S/S system.....I just hounded them over and over....the local office screwed things up so then I just went straight to the main ofice in Baltimore....It took 6-7 months for me. Sometimes I understand it takes much longer....it's terrible when out livlihood is reliant on that check. Try and keep busy and put your mind in the place where "YOU" get the most peace.....I imagaine it would be very difficult to be in your son's home with his family......go for long walks....is there someone you can get out with and do that..."a buddy". I did that one winter with a friend and it helped me tremendously.

Melissa, just breathe and try and stay in the moment. When my husband "passed on" (I will never/ever say he died), he was very peaceful. When my dad "passed", and I was sitting at his bedside I felt the angels coming to him. He would lay and keep looking at the corners of his bedroom ceiling. This freaked my brother out but I told him his angels are coming to be with him when he "crossed over". My dad would also call out his family members who "passed" before him so I also felt they were coming as well. Try and stay in the moment and take him all in so you never forget the time you have had. There will be so many times when you will reflect on it and it will help you in time gain peace.....I hope this helps.

[melissa1026]

The dr said the same as always. nothing new to do or anything. my husband told the dr and his nurse that he was dying and they didn't seem to think anything would help at this point... gave him antibotics? for what????? oh well just trucking along each day. praying that things will get better.thanks to all of you. i do seem to be strong just knowing that i can talk here when i need to.

[jlizzy]

Laura,

It has been two years since I applied. I was told to get a lawyer and even

that hasnt helped. For what the lawyer did, I could have done that myself.

The lawyer said he would go back 5 years if I could prove my disability,

I did prove it; and he only went back to July,2003 and SSD will take

5 months off for a waiting period. And to top it off, Social Security

disability could grant the lawyer up to $5,400 for his services. Some

services. The lawyer told me at least 4 years bcause I havent been able

to work for 4 years except for a couple of temp jobs. then in court,

he said 2003 instead of 2001. What a rip off. Well, I dont have any

choice except to take whatever I can get and at least I will have

a monthly income and can move on from there. It just makes me mad

that it will take 2 months for a decision and then 3 months more

to see a check. I am outraged at what SSD is doing.

I applied in 2003, transfered to PA beginning of 2004, PA sent back

to NJ who closed case, had to go to PA SSD and re-apply; then in

October, 2004, a judge picked up my file and was supposed to make a

decision, he held the file till April,2005 and said I should get a

lawyer for the appeal. So from April to November to get appeal with

the lawyer because the lawyer didnt push SSD.

It is so frustrating because I could have waited till march, 2006 and

collect my husbands SS and then fought for my SSD.

Well, one day at a time

God Bless

JOyce

[jlizzy]

Mellisa,

Do you have hospice to help you with your husband? I found that they were

a great help for me.

Take care,

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

I think you should call or write your Congressman and let them know you are having this much trouble...this isn't right! I wrote mine but will never know if it helped or not. All I know is I called and hounded them and each time somebody new said something different from the other. It was so frustrating and discouraging. Call your Congressman and raise a stink!

Today is 18 months for me since I lost my husband. Dec. 7th is the day my dad "passed" and my husbands birthday. No wonder I have been so emotional lately. Today I came across a picture of my husband that was so totally him....it makes me weak in the knees and I cry....I still can't believe he is not here with me. It is a nightmare. I know you all here know what I feel. I am so sorry we all have to go thru this pain. Somedays I just don't know how I can go on...but I do! He was in my heart, my soul, my bones! I am trying to love life again.....I am doing a really good job because I love my kids so very much and I know my husband would be happy to see they/me are all o.k. but I am so lost without him. My world is very small because it has to be to survive. Can you all relate to that? I hate these holidays coming up and it seems like I just got over last years and here they are again....it takes so much energy that I don't have. I can't go to the cemetary to sit and visit with him as he was buried 800 miles away in our home town. I will go there in Feb. but not sure if snow will be on the ground. Oh well, I will be pray for all of you for peace and to know the Lord is truely with you all to guide you to a place where we will feel whole again.

[DeeAnn]

It's been ages since I've visited these boards, but I remember another place and time when they contributed tremendously to my healing after the death of my husband. He died on 2/22/98 after a 10-month battle with cancer when he was 43 and I was 41. I remember when the number of registered users here hit 300, and I see now there's over 16,000. There's such a bond between grieving people. We may never have seen each other, but our spirits know, and that's how we connect.

Joyce, you mentioned songs. The soundtrack to the movie Phenomenon has a song by Bryan Ferry called Dance with Life (the Brilliant Light) that I wish you could hear. It's how I remember my Eddie now. He was such a beautiful, wise, loving soul, and he so enjoyed his dance with life. The brilliant light he has left behind can never be put out. When we first lose someone, I think we're only able to see our loss (quite naturally so). We can't see what we still have. Our lives are the sum of all its parts, and Eddie was so significant in my life that he'll never be gone...ever. He lives inside of me, and I feel his presence every day. Their physical being has been taken from us, but the essence of all they were will always be with you. That's the part that never dies. While it may be hard to believe right now, there will come a time when you will hear the Twist, and you will smile as that beautiful memory of Bob gently comes to your mind.

Lynn, the holidays are, no doubt, tough. Eddie was at Vanderbilt at Christmastime in 1997. The first anniversary will be difficult, but yes, you will get through it. I hope you will be able to spend that day with those who can somewhat understand how you feel. It always helps me to plan some time for my memories. Eddie used to love really good coffee, and often I will have my time drinking coffee and talking with him. I cry, I laugh, and I feel relief and strength from it. You will get through it, and you will be stronger for having done so.

Melissa, I send you huge hugs! Eddie and I were married for 21 beautiful years, and I cherish the memory of each one of them. Laura is right about this being the hardest thing you will ever go through. I'm glad to see that you are embracing each new day and loving him through all of this, as he is you. Several years ago, I wrote an article for this website that might be useful to you and/or your husband. It is at http://www.beyondindigo.com/articles/article.php/artID/200109. Time really does heal, but I doubt you can even get your arms around the concept of that right now. I know I couldn't. Someone might as well have been speaking Greek when they said that. I think everyone here would tell you not to even try to think ahead on how you will deal with the future because you get your strength one day at a time, not ahead of time. Sometimes, the anticipation can be overwhelming, so I hope you're able to avoid that as much as possible. As odd as this may sound, he will continue to be the shining light that will see you through the difficult times even if he is no longer physically with you.

Michele, I send you huge hugs as well. I was angry with God like you are now, and a book helped me tremendously. It's "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It made me understand that God grieves *with* me. It was a life-changing book for me, so maybe it could help you now in some way also. It's not a big book. There's no doubt in my mind that Mark will be with you as you bring your beautiful baby boy into this world. But you're right, it sucks that he had to leave you when he did. It's *not* fair. Not at all.

Laura, the anger was one of the most difficult grief passages I went through. I love the vision you had, and I'm glad it brought you some peace. There's nothing easy about grieving; however, it always helped me to stop and remember that Eddie is very much okay and living in a place I can't go yet. But I will see him again, just as we all will see our partners again. Stay in the light, my friend.

You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

DeeAnn

[melissa1026]

DeAnn

Thanks for the encouragment. I need it despirately.. Each day seems to get harder and harder. Billy told me yesterday that he's now afraid to go to sleep, afraid that he will quit breathing. It's so hard comimg from the one person that I always thought would take care of me and I'd spend our later years holding hands, sitting on the front portch. I try to stay strong in front of him. I have to. If he knew how much this is hurting me it would make him even sadder...I have planned a huge Thanksgiving . I don't feel up to it but it's what he wants.. Everyone of our relatives are coming. He's planning on this being his last holiday. I'm don't want to do it, but I will for him.

JLIZZY keep on hounding them.. I hate the government. It's not about the ones that need it anymore. It took me 11 months to get the disability for billy . At one point ( after they'd read his dr reports) asked how often he went fishing..Well i blew a gasket cause at that time he couldn't even wipe his own behind much less fish.. He couldn't even walk, he was in a wheel chair.. Any way he finally got it although it's not much over what his medication is every month.. but hang in there.

Laura I hope what DeeAnn said helped you. I think of you daily. Hoping the pain is not as bad each day... guess it's kinda selfish cause that's want i want for me also.. I am going to try to start thinking of the fun and laughter we had together each time i feel depressed. maybe that well help. i don't know at this point i'm willing to try anything... this site was one of the best things i've done.

Michelle

How are things? Any more about inducing labor..? You are so stong and brave. I get strength from you, knowing what you are dealing with. A baby on the way other small children and you keep going along... I am so proud of you.. I don't even pretend to know what you are going thru I just know from what you tell us that you are a devoted mother and a wonderful person.

Thanks to all ... I think now that I have found all of you that I can make it. I was ready to give up when I found this site. I had no one to talk to that understood what I am going thru.. I feel a strength now that i did not have before. i know that if i need to I can let it alll out here..

[melissa1026]

I don't think I had told any of you what is wrong with Billy... it's a long story but I wanted to let everyone know... it started in 1989 with Billys first heart attack. He was in the hospital for 3 months and in a coma for 3 and 1/2 weeks.. at this point he lost all muscle control. Everything that could go wrong did after his bypass surgery. He coughed so hard he busted open and they left him open. I could see his lungs and his heart beating... then they put him in coma intentionaly so he wouldn't cough. Any way after 3 months we did get to come home. He was finally able to walk and feed himself ater 7 months. the years went by and in 1998 he had to have bypyass surgery again. he went thur that with flying colors although his depression was worse this time. In 2000 he has stints put in. His heart stopped and the drs told me that they almost lost him.. well more yrs and then this last march he got sick... coughing and fevers.. he's pretty much kept phenemonia since march. off and on. maybe a week or two of feeling ok... drs say his heart and lungs are worn out and nothing can be done. he feels so sick most days and doesn't get out of bed. I haven't had to face the pain with him as some of you who lost loved ones with cancer. but you know how it is when they never feel good and are sick. It's been a roller coaster for me over the years.. He and I never gave up. But now since he been so sick he's giving up. Everyone I know says since i've dealt with this so long i should be ready. well i have a news flash for them you can never be ready. everyone is telling me i should make him go elsewhere for treatment or see other dr.. but he is not willing to to that. should I rant and rave at him to go or should i let him have control of his life and make his own decisions? i am torn with what i should do.. He tells me he is just so tired of all of it and just wants to be left alone.

Thank you all for listening I just thought knowing about him would help you understand and maybe with that you can help me get thru this.

[DeeAnn]

Hi Melissa **hugs**

The Thanksgiving situation is tough since it’s something he wants, but it’s going to be hard for you to do. Is there a way that perhaps you could take some short cuts and get some of the casseroles and desserts from the deli? There’s a lot of frozen foods that are so good now too. You can even get your ham or turkey already prepared. Keep in mind that it’s not the dinner itself that he’s yearning for. It’s the company he will keep that day. Are there friends/family members who might can help you? So often, we don’t want to ask for help, but people honestly want to be able to do what they can to make life easier for you now. Call on those who have offered to help, and try to make it a day you will enjoy along with everyone else as much as you possibly can.

You and Billy have been through SO much these past several years. I bet those who tell you that you should be “ready” (whatever that means) have never lived through this. What can we say other than people can be stupid, simple as that. Sometimes, the best thing to say is absolutely nothing. Nothing anyone can say will make this time any easier. But hopefully, we can reach out to you in a way that lets you know you’re not alone. Others have walked in your shoes, and we understand how difficult it really is. Somehow, that is always a comfort to me. As much as you possibly can, take it one day at a time. Take It One Day At A Time…seven small words that are oh so hard to follow. Do the best you can, that’s all any of us can do, and do your best to be patient with yourself. In retrospect, I can see where I was harder on myself than anyone else was.

I’m glad you and everyone else here found each other through this site. It, indeed, is a place where you can unload, vent, cry, laugh, and touch each others’ lives in a way few can. It’s like soldiers in combat. No one who’s never been there could relate, but we all know we all know, and that means something. It’s a very strong bond.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, along with everyone else here.

DeeAnn