I Miss Him So...

[patsyh]

Hello everyone,This is my first visit here. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I found my fince dead in our bathroom floor on Nov.14,2004. He would of been 41 on Nov.20,2004. When I found him he was already cold and stiff. So that made it final, left no possibilities of getting him back. I reached and grabed him by the arm before I knew he was dead and I will never forget the way his face looked. He wasn't sick. And that made it even hard to comprehend. 3 months after his death Feb.14,2005 We got the report back saying it was his heart. How can someone seem so healthy and be so sick? I have a 13 year old son also. He hasn't takened this well at all either. Dougie wasn't his dad but he was the only dad he had ever known. His father, my husband died when he was only 15 months old.

This is still to over whelming for me. I too have the fincal problems to go with this.

I still keep thinking in my mind that he is gonna come back. I still haven't sleep in our bed yet. I had never slept in it without him. I know God has purpose, and I also know My weight is at it's limit. How do I start over again? I know I have to for my son, but I don't know how nor where to start.

[jamaga]

Patsyh,

You have come to an excellent place. We all understand. I am so sorry for your pain. I had a weeks notice that my husband was dying. And I felt like the ground below me just crumbled beneath my feet. Know that you can come here and vent/share anytime. It really helps me.

Healing needs to be your focus now. Take time to grieve, check into your son's school, or church, or your local "Y" about grief counsling for him. He is at a tough age anyway! For yourself as well. I had terrific "angels of mercy" help me through my church and community! Both spirtually and finacially. So don't worry about starting over, focus on healing. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

My prayers all with you.

[kivavala]

Two weeks ago I lost the man who had been with me for 8 months. We were to get married. The relationship seemed so complete. I considered him my "KISA" - and now I feel like the proverbial "maiden in distress." The difficult part is that my emotions of grief are often passionate and strong. It often overwhelms people I am with. My son visited me and he wanted to go out and do things for the 4th. I tried and found that I could not hold up. He was very critical that I was not acting "normal" and should find things to be "happy" about. This was very hurtful to me and made me fear that he could be right. I no longer know what is the "right"way to grieve.

[pandorra]

I get tired of wearing 2 faces too. I learned quite early on that I was going to have to put on one face for the public and one for when I was behind closed doors at home. It's just easier that way. You smile, go to the work lunches, and meet the girls every once in awhile. But that changes once I close the doors at home. Gayle

Oh I know that oh so well. Someone at work commented on how well I am doing. She doesn't realize that once I get home, the facade comes down. I cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I just stare at the wall or lay there until I realize its time to go to bed. I can go out to lunch or see a movie with girls from work, but its really all empty.

6 months now without him. This fourth of july was hard. I sat at home with my blinds closed while I could hear all the neighbors having fun and lighting crackers. NOrmally I love to watch the big fireworks shows, but now who cares. I watched DVD movies and cried at every little thing.

[pandorra]

He wasn't sick. And that made it even hard to comprehend. 3 months after his death Feb.14,2005 We got the report back saying it was his heart. How can someone seem so healthy and be so sick? I have a 13 year old son also. He hasn't takened this well at all either. Dougie wasn't his dad but he was the only dad he had ever known. His father, my husband died when he was only 15 months old.

I know, my fiance was 42 and they never told him he had heart problems. Heart attach took him. I can't believe you are going through this again. Your husband passed away also?! I am SO SORRY. I am afraid to love again because I don't think I can go through another loss.

[patriotsmom]

July 15th will be the half year mark that Dave has been gone..my heart goes out to those who have gone thru the one year mark..i don't know how i will make it thru, when i'm barely hanging on now..i can relate to the two faces thing..i have one for work, to let every one think i'm doing okay and one for at home, when i'm around my kids. keep my feelings to myself until i'm behind my bedroom door..there i can let my guard down and cry and cry. which i do alot. i feel like i'm just a shell of what i once was..i'm broken, numb, scared and alone. just going thru the motions of life to get by but not really living it. scared to go on living without him - my best friend, lover and soulmate. the fourth of july was very hard for me, since this was daves favorite holiday..we would talk about getting married on this day and have a big firework display and such..this is the first year in the past five, that we didn't have fireworks..i had the kids watch the neighbors light theirs, while i sat alone and cried.. i miss him more and more each day.

all in my thoughts and prayers.

KIM

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

It has been almost 14 months since I lost my husband....All I can say is we have to just take one day at a time. I still cry everyday for all that I lost especially him. We were together since we were both 14 and grew up together. We did everything together and taught each other as we went. Everyday I ask him, "How am I suppose to go on without you"?. And, I cry. Just one day at a time guys. There are so many stages we go thru and we have to go thru them...all the feeling that are associated with our losses sometimes can interfer and take us on a detour. We all have had different experiences and will heal in our own ways. We all need to take extra special care of ourselves as our love ones would want us to do...easier said than done I know but each and everyday just do one little thing for yourself. No rushing thru this. They are with us we all just need to polish up our skills so we feel it. Bless you all.

[winsome57]

I just lost my husband, friend, lover and riding compaion of 45 years last Tuesday. I cannot stop crying, grieving and even feeling guilty because he w as so special and cared for me so much and I was not always the best person. I just want to leave this earth and be with him in heaven. I am so alone and feel so lost and very confused right now.I just do not know how to cope with this loss. This man was the best of the best and he was always only thinking of me.

[lauraa]

Dear Winsome,

I am sorry for your loss. I know "exactly" how you feel. I never ever in my life felt like that. Disbelief, Aloneness, Numbness....all those feelings. I couldn't breathe and still can't at times (like today). I lost my best friend and companion in the whole world. Like is not the same for me. What is our alternative...it is rough. I know that raw feeling you have. I can tell you that this site has helped to give me strength on days when I had none....just to know someone else knew how I felt and what I was going thru helped me. I also read anything I could and had the strength to read about the "afterlife" and that helped me learn that our loved ones live on. I have had experiences over this past year where my husband came to me to let me know he is with me and always thinking of me.....you will too....Keep writing here and you will find suggestions and help/support because we all know what you are going thru. God bless.

[winsome57]

Thank you so much for replying. I am just so sad and cannot stop crying. He died beside me in bed and I did not know it until I went to wake him up. God, I wish I would have had time to say goodbye to him and tell him, which I did not enough, that I loved him and he was the best thing in my life. I am sitting here so very alone except being able to write here. I know he is in heavan, if only I felt worthy of going there with him. Since selling our farm and miving to Florida we have done everything together. If I did go to the store he would be waiting and tell me he missed me.I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for not being a better person for this wonderful guy who always stood beside me no matter what. It is always when it is too late that you wish you were a better person.God, I just cannot stop crying and stop thinking and seeing him everywhere.

[lauraa]

Winsome,

Don't stop the crying....in retrospect for me it was a good thing. In the beginning I feared those long, deep daily, constant cries but with time I accepted the fact the I needed to do it and when I did it wasa thorough and then I could move alittle forward even if it was for one minute or 5 minutes. Yes, I cried constantly. I woke up thru the night in total disbelief that my best friend and companian was gone...I still do but now I use medication to get me thru the night. I didn't do that for a year but then I felt it was crucial to me maintaining my health. The grieving comes in waves and when you least expect it. I knew I needed to be ready for all the big anniversaries but it was all the little things in life that get me. It's everything! I want you to know that your husband is with you and he knows how much you loved him and still do....if you have regrets now then just tell him and he will hear you. I'll bet if he could respond he would say the same things to you. Those thoughts helped me thru times when I felt that way. No relationship is perfect but you were together because of love. Keep talking with him and try and just comfort yourself the best you can. God bless.

[pamnbill]

Winsome,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's been six months since my husband died, and I'm still in disbelief. I think it must be my way of coping....not wanting to believe that this has really happened. Go ahead and cry, cry all you want, and try not to beat yourself up with thinking you didn't tell him enough how much you loved him. He knew. Didn't you know how much he loved you even if he didn't tell you?

I re-live our last day together....wished I had done more....hoped he heard me tell him how much I loved him. Keep talking to him, he's there listening to you, he'll help you through this. That's how I've made it so far...he was my best friend, the only one who really knew me...I don't know how I'll make it either....but you do. You just go on..... you know that's how they would want it.

Keep coming to this site....it's wonderful. It's the only place that feels real to me, friends can't possibly know how I feel....but everyone here does. When you think you're the only one feeling this pain, wondering if you're nuts because of the way you feel or the way you're acting, or just need to blow off steam....we're here for you. Take care.

[ssg1legal]

Dear Winsome,

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away in February of 2004 from cancer. It has been seventeen months since he passed on, and it still doesn't seem real. I can tell you that you should greive any way that is right for you, but don't turn your anger or grief on yourself. I'm certain that your husband knew and still knows how much you love him. We are not perfect, being human, but love sees past what is humanly possible. Please take care of yourself, don't forget to eat, sleep, and live. I know that it's easy to forget those things, but you are here for a reason and you need to take care of your body and mind. I did feel like you, wanting to just quit, be with my Tom in heaven, but it's not our time yet. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you travel through this darkness and be assured that it will be less painful soon. Take care.

Susan

[klapdlp]

I have just found this website and I can relate to all the feelings and expressions of loss that I have read. In the past 10 years I have lost over 30 friends, family members and true loved ones, including my father, my mother and then 1 1/2 yrs ago, my beloved husband. I cry still as I try to write my feelings. I am journaling and I am trying to go on. After 37 years of marriage, 2 wonderful children and 4 beautiful grandchildren (our little grandson was born 3 weeks before 'granddad' died suddenly of a heart attack), we were very, very close. We were often called 'the Cleavers' as we did everything together, vacation, hobbies, played,live within 20 minutes of each other, etc. It is comforting to hear all the words of encouragement from so many people who are hurting themselves. It is difficult everyday. I am not old but I am not that young either. I never wanted to be left, I always wanted to go first because I knew the heartache of being left behind. Inever wanted to be a widow, the family matriarch--I am the only one left from my family (my brother died years ago). I had retired from my full time job in education so my husband and I could spend time together and now I work part time at 2 different jobs. I try to stay busy and keep up with old friends but it is still difficult to come home to the empty house. Anyway, love and prayers to all those who are hurting and experiencing such dreadful losses.

[computermemaw2]

My middle son and his wife just finished a week's visit with me. He's in the Army (military police) and is to deploy for a year to Irac. The end of next week my oldest son (a Black Hawk helicopter crew chief, also Army) will visit for a week and he is also to deploy for a year to Afghanistan. God is asking an awful lot of me lately. While seeing my children has been and will be wonderful, there is such pain to hide as they leave. I had gotten into a schedule of "aloneness" and then was getting comfortable with someone here. Now I have to go through adjustment again as I hope they will be watched over in this time of turbulence and it's almost too much for me. I asked out loud to my husband today "how can I honor life when I feel my purpose is gone? What did I do that was so bad? If it's true that we've decided our earthly life beforehand, why did you decide that you'd have to leave me so suddenly? What lesson am I to learn now? There are no answers that I'm hearing and I'm getting so frustrated that I haven't had any dreams of my husband so I can feel in my heart he is okay and his spirit lives on. I had lunch with 2 friends today and one was showing pictures of a friend's house being bulldozed down. This friend had been killed in a car accident about 3 years ago, and her husband decided he needed to build a new house. My other friend made the commend "it's been long enough, it's time he decided to move on, she's not coming back." That statement just cut through my heart. It was all I could do to not change my expression on my face and to continue with lunch. I guess I'm not doing something right, because this pain is still so unbearable. I hate it. Gayle

[nancy55]

Hello, I am brand new to this website, so I really don\'t know what to do. I can only tell you--that all the posts I\'m reading-I can relate to. I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to cancer. He had cancer for over 18 months-lung cancer. The last 3 months he was very ill-but was able to walk our daughter down the isle on her wedding day-May 14th. He used a cane but he made it and he had just gotten out of the hospital. I am crying everyday. I went back to work 2 weeks after his death. I had to-I needed to find some type of normalacy after not working a full week for 2 months while he was ill. I can not even express the hurt i my heart. I miss him so much. I cry when people ask me how I'm doing. I realize that this might get better and it's only 3 weeks, but I didn't know I would have the absolute empty feeling in my heart day and nite. And I have no energy. Nothing will ever be the same. I can't believe this all happening to me. I loved him so much and I can't believe I'm without him now. God bless, NancyC55

[jenmulloy]

I have been out of Colorado for two weeks now. A huge sense of relief when it comes to grief, but an overpour of memories as I sift through what is left of our belongings together. I have been looking at houses and trying to decide where I want to live and how much to pay and what is necessity and just bombarded with everything. I never dreamed I'd have to do things like this alone and never wanted to. Now it's just me and Brady and I don't think I've ever felt more alone in my entire life. It seems so hard to believe I've been living without him for almost 8 months and I'm still alive. If not for my son, lord knows I probably wouldn't have made it this far. I'm living with a friend of mine from high school and want a place of my own, but don't want to be alone, lose lose situation I guess. I have another friend who is not being so supportive, she's obsessed with weight and that's all she cares to talk about. Once upon a time we were about the same weight and in a matter of six months she went from a size 12/14 to a 2. Not healthy in my opinion, but she is now obsessed and has caused herself to have heart murmors because of excessive dieting and just plain not eating. I've never been "thin", but I've battled with my weight my whole life and when I need support with my move and trying to handle being on my own without Brad, she's commenting on my weight. Sucks, but what do you do? Anything to focus on her? She's going through a divorce right now, so maybe she's just avoiding bad subjects? I don't know, but she always asks me if I've lost anymore weight from the last time she talked to me and I get offended when I talk to her anymore. I think me having weight issues makes her feel better about herself. I don't know, I just guess having her as a best friend in high school and keeping in touch with her made me feel like she really truly was there for me and now this, all about our weight. How she'll never be my size ever again, that she'd kill herself before she was overweight again. I try to blow it off, but it's hard sometimes. I hope all finds you as well as can be.

[janamuff]

Hello, I am new to this website. I lost my husband 6 months ago from a sudden heart attack, I am 36 years old and greg was 44 and we have a 10 year old son.I never would have thought at my age I would be dealing with this, this early in life. I feel so alone. I do feel like that my son has made me stronger but it is so hard. We live day by day and this week I finally went through his clothes and today I gave alot of his stuff to his worker/friend that I know will wear and use his stuff I was okay until after the fact and its hard, like final, I do have family but I sometimes feel like they do not understand my pain. greg was my best friend, so I keep it to myself and cry by myself. I so much miss adult conversation with him everyday. I just cannot believe it will be 6 months sunday when honestly it feels like last week I never thought it would go this fast, I remember when it was just three weeks. I do know that in time we will all be okay but the empty feeling and pain and being lonely is horrible right now. Its so hard to deal with your own pain and having to help your child at the same time, my son loves sports and plays sports and at his age, he feels like he is the only 10 year old that does not have a dad to help with baseIball or football, It hurts me so bad. I deal with this and help as much as I can and his friends dads help. thanks for listening today. janamuff

[winsome57]

All of my family left today and it was so hard. I am in a panic and cannot stop crying. I think I am the only one that feels so quilty that I did not love him as much as he loved me. Oh, I loved him more then anything but I was not as caring and great as he was. 43 years and I feel that my whole life is over.I know he is in heavan and I want to go there with him now. I want to hold him and love him and tell him I am sorry and to tell him he was the best thing that ever happened in my life. But, I am not worthy of heaven as he was. I know he is up there. I am so confused today I just do not know what to do. We moved to Florida 110 months ago and I have no one here at all. That is why I need to write here. I am weak and feel so sick and so hopeless.

[withani]

My sympathy and prayers are with all of you. I too have felt too young to lose my significant other/bestfriend 7 1/2 mos. ago and it has been extremely difficult...I miss him so much...wish I had some insight for when the crying stops but I don't...still an everyday occurence. My Gary had an enlarged heart and he passed away from acute myocarditis. I miss the every day phones calls...several times a day...dancing every Saturday night...fleamarketing every Sunday..playing guitars every Tuesday...definite void. I keep reading that it will change your life forever and I really hate reading this because I didn't want my life being changed forever!!! It makes it difficult to accept and without the help of my children...I just don't know what would've happened. I just pray and hope that one day I'll see him again. I keep thinking about the movie City of Angels when Nicholas Cage asked the little girl what she liked the best..........

[honeybuny]

Everyone-hugs to you who are so new to grief. I lost my husband five years ago and no the crying doesn't stop. You just don't cry as much or as hard but it doesn't go away. I don't mean to cause you despair, it really does get softer, I promise. Craig died at 50, I'm now 51 and it hits me that I have lived to an age he'll never see. But in my heart, I really feel he's up in heaven looking down and smiling. I know people say "they're not in pain anymore" but that doesn't exactly comfort us. We're in pain. I realize that death is hardest on those who are left behind. The first year he died was hard,all those firsts, having to make decisions - big ones and small ones. I felt as though I was in a bad dream state. Everything I had once been interested in I lost interest in. I went to work but never felt I was really there. I didn't want to sleep and then I didn't want to wake up. I lost my memory. I forgot how to laugh but I sure learned that there is no end to the tears.

And so here I am five years later and sometimes it seems like just yesterday and sometimes it seems like a bad dream I had long ago. But I did get interest back in life and I did learn how to laugh again and I learned it's okay to still cry five years later.

I still miss him terribly and it's the little things I miss the most. The looks sharing a private joke, the way he knew just what buttons to push to get me riled up. What I wouldn't give for him to rile me up again. I remember when he was in the hospital and I was walking across the parking lot and a couple was out there fighting. And do you know what went through my mind? I wished my husband was conscious enough that we could have a fight! Sounds sick to someone who hasn't been what we're going through.

Jen my heart went out to you when you wrote about your friend with the weight issue. When Craig died I stopped eating and then suddenly I ate everything-as though the food could replace what I lost. And I gained and I didn't care. Then a day came when I looked in the mirror and realized I was in that body somewhere and I began to exercise and watch my diet. But let me tell you if that day had never come, big deal. This friend doesn't sound like a friend at all. She sounds as though she's kicking you while your down. Maybe when she brings up weight just tell her you don't want to talk about it, period. If she continues use the oh-someone is beeping me on the other line or someone is at the door excuse.

What we look like on the outside is no one's concern but our own. We are broken inside, we have to learn how to put those pieces together first and not only that, we find out that some of those pieces are missing. And we don't "recover" or get over our grief according to someone else's set time. We never get over the grief. We slowly learn that it has become a part of our being, this is a part of who we are now.

I truly thought I was slowly and painfully going insane when Craig died and I want to let you know that through this site, I realized I wasn't alone. You have come to a safe and loving place.

[sillygirl]

Hi to Everyone...I haven't posted in quite a long while, I have been really busy with work and summer vacations with the girls that time seems to just have slipped away. Well it has been 17 months since Jerry has been gone and it still just seems like yesterday. I still miss him but the pain and grief are better and I live with all the memories. The girls are finally able to move ahead and for this I am thankful. I hope that Laura, Jen and all of my other friends are getting along ok too. To any new people I say Welcome and we all here know just how you feel. It all takes time. Don't stop talking or writing and just know that we are all here to listen. No one judges anyone here. Well, Gods peace and blessings to all. Take care. Sue

[jlizzy]

Winsome57,

We all know how you feel. It is a terrible feeling when everyone leaves;

but be assured that we are all here and we understand.

Everyone here has helped me get over some really tough times. I lost

Bob 12 1/2 months ago and I felt as though my world was ending. I am

definitely not the same person since he passed, because 1/2 of my heart

is gone and there is no way to get it back. but I have my memories and

there are times when I hear a song, see a special place and even when

I look at my grandchildren, that I just break into tears.

We all heal differently, but we all share the same pain. So, just hang

in there and believe that your husband is with you just not physically.

God Bless You

JOyce

[klapdlp]

I am back on the website. Misery does love company. I am praying for all of us out there that are hurting so very much. It amazes me that there are so many who have had or do have the same emotions, feelings, concerns that I am experiencing. Bless you all for writing. In an effort to move on but also to spare others needless toil and to help me find a focus, I have decided to write a pamphlet or booklet about death and dying--this will not be something that deals with handling grief (a list of resources in the appendix will guide people to the best resources I can find) but a booklet on the 'hard issues' such as living wills, disposition of property, funeral preplanning, social security, pensions, etc. I want this to be a living resource so people can plan ahead or at least try to in order to relieve some of the unnecessary emotional strain by working through wills, probate, etc. If any of you have had experiences, have ideas or comments, please email me at kpatton317@sbcglobal.net. I will certainly quote you if desired and or document your source. Why so much sadness? Why when everything was going so well? May God be our true resource for now and ever.--Karen

[hope4905]

This is my first time visiting this web site, and I felt compelled to tell my story. I lost my fiance' 7 weeks ago from a brain anyurism. It was completely unexpected, and I feel lost. He not only left me behind, but also his 6 month old son. He was 27 and, we thought, perfectly healthy. I feel lost, and our son is the only thing that keeps me grounded. I thank God everyday for my little man, and the time his father had with both of us. I'm not sure what to do now, how to even begin moving on with my life. . .

[withani]

Hope I am so sorry to hear of your loss...your fiance' being only 27 I'm sure was very much a shock...I lost my fiance' 7 1/2 months ago who had just turned 50 and it is still very difficult....but I am at a better place than I was initially in the first couple months. My thoughts and prayers are with you and know that it takes a lot and a lot of working through all your feelings. The best thing anyone has said to me during this time was "God doesn' make mistakes"....

Take care,

Withani

[jenmulloy]

I haven't seen anybody on here in a long time. Laura, Chris especially. I hope all of you are doing okay, I wonder about you guys all the time. I don't know, sometimes I just feel like doing certain things depresses me, so I don't do them as often and thats not good because every little thing should help me. I thought I was doing a little better, then found out my grandfather has inoperable liver cancer and has 3-6 months at the most. When it rains, it pours and the storm for me just won't let up. I just hit the eight month marker and can't believe I've made it this far without him. God I miss him so much. I moved and am now living with an old high school friend and her boys, she just went through a divorce. Im near my mom again and the stress of his family being so mean is gone since they are a thousand miles away. I hate not being able to visit his grave, but I will visit as much as I can. I guess the way I looked at it is he will always be with me where ever I go and my memories will never fade. He was and always will be the one true love of my life. It's hard at 25 to believe I'll live the rest of my life without him, especially if I make it to 50 or even 40. I have a job interview tomorrow.

[withani]

Jen...I too will be at the 8 month mark soon...whew!!! Still VERY DIFFICULT...don't do the same things I used to...just can't..

I understand completely about not being able to visit "the grave site"...my significant other of 11 years was cremated and his 16 year old son has his ashes so I believe he goes with me wherever I am...just not physically.

Good luck on your job interview tommorrow!!!

[lauraa]

Hey Jen,

It is good to hear from you...I know what you mean when it rains it pours! I had a car accident 3 weeks ago, accepted an award for my husband last week on my birthday which was emotinal for me. When I got home I cried the entire night. ANd, last week I had surgery to remove a lyphoma from my shoulder (not cancer).My kids also keep on my toes. My oldest is off to college in 2 weeks...wow! Everything is so bitter sweet for me. It has been 14 months for me now and I am still so very sad without my husband. We met when we were 14 and together ever since...I just can't get use to living without him...he was in my skin, my heart, my soul. I am holding the tears in better than I use to...mostly because of my kids but then I get to a point where I could just explode if I don't. I think about him just about every minute of everyday. Nothing seems the same or ever will again! I am so glad you moved back home. You did the right thing...although, I'm sure you will be faced with new circumstances you will at least be with you family who are supported. I always tell people "the grass is always greener on the other side but you still have to mow the grass". Your a strong girl and you need to remember that your Brad IS still with you! He i s not in the grave...I know that is hard for you now that you have moved. My husband is buried 800 miles away from me and I have only been able to visit him but in my heart I know he really isn't there. This whole things is so very difficult to get thru and I am searching each and everyday to find ways to comfort myself to be able to get thru it all. It is a total nightmare...Keep writing and we will all lift each other. Keep lovin' that little boy of yours.

Sillygirl, Joyce, Chris....I think of you guys all the time and think of you all so often...Hope you all are doing o.k.

To all the new people here...I know your pain and I am sorry to hear of all your losses. Keep writing here as it helped me keep my sanity.

Your are all in my prayers.

[charcoal8]

My fiance' Sean died from a heart attack just over two months ago at the age of 34. He had tried many time before to wisk me away to Ireland to elope but i wanted our families to be with us. Now i wish that I had not been so damn practical. We were celebrating the fact thaT I was pregnant, he wanted to be a father so bad and would have been a great dad. But i woke up to find him gone, without any warning, no family or personal history of heart problems. I made it through the funeral and his awful parents by thinking, at least i am still carrying a piece of him that will live on forever. And then lightning struck again and on Father's day I had a miscarrige, stress induced the doctors tell me. I am so lost and alone. Sean's parents took the the keys to our house the day we buried him and I had to find a place to stay. They had only been there twice in 2 years! I am so angry, why is this happening to me? I miss sean so much and I just want to be with him, I don't know how I am suppose to deal with this. Counseling doesn't seem to ease the pain, even the support group gives me little comfort. I found the love of my life and we were so happy ready to begin our lives together, but now at the age of 26 I am a widow. I am angry at God for showing me true happiness and than snatching it away like I was not worthy.

[withani]

Charcoal8,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience...and how unthoughtful of Sean's parents. Some of the abuse we suffer after our beloved passes on is unreal!!!!!

In my case my significant other for the past 11 years who was also my fiance' but I didn't marry because he had a problem with alcohol and was bipolar so I felt it would be financial suicide for me to marry...hindsight I wish I'd just done it anyway...it would have made him sooo happy.

Anyway his exwife of 12 years ago on the day he passed took the keys to his storage unit (which my name was on also)..called me and said since we were never legally married everything belongs to his 16 year old son... how said that made me..not because there was anything of value but because what he did have represented the many years of our life together.

Also...she had the memorial...I was just a blob..and she had her husband say the eulogy...then she spoke and sang a song "I Hope You Dance". The people who were there were her family who hadn't spoken to Gary in 12 years!!!

Uggghhhhhh...what is it with people that add these insults to injury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[withani]

and p.s. you are WORTHY!!!! So much that God wanted you to have time with Sean even if it was cut short. Remember...Sean is still with you!!!

[nancy55]

IT HAS BEEN SINCE JUNE 21ST THAT MY HUSBAND DIED OF LUNG CANCER. HE DIED 19 MONTHS AFTER BEING DIAGNOSED. THE LAST 4 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE WERE NOT GOOD. BUT HE DIED WHILE I WAS AT WORK--AT 915AM. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT DAY WHEN I LEFT --HE WOULD DIE.I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I WISH HE WAS HE HERE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE HURT I FEEL. I CAN'T IMAGINE FEELING LIKE THIS FOR AT LEAST A YEAR--IF THAT IS WHEN THE GRIEVING PROCESS LASTS??? HE WAS ONLY 53 AND I AM 49 AN A WIDOW. THIS SUCKS. GOD BLESS,NANCY55

[withani]

Nancy55...I am so sorry to hear of your loss...I've been going through the process eight months and it is VERY DIFFICULT...I'm told everyone's process is different and I'll I know is in my case which seems to be right now I'll have a good day or so and then it hits me again like a ton of bricks!!! I just turned 48 in May. My significant other for the past 11 years died suddenly of acute myocarditis...when I was out getting my oil changed. It seems you never suspect anything to happen when you're gone..you feel like you didn't get the chance to say goodbye and feel cheated of that as well as guilty.

Take care of yourself (hugs)

Cindi

[nancy55]

withani--- Thank you so much for your response. i had a terrible day yesterday. I didn't think I could cry anymore. i am so sorry for your loss also. It is unfair to lose our loves so young. i can't imagine feeling like this for a prolonged period of time. This heartache is killing me. I know what a "broken heart " is and he is never coming back.i have to go on--even if I never find happiness again. Take care too, I'm praying for us both. nancy

[withani]

Nancy55...you're very welcome! I know just when I think I can't cry anymore something happens and it starts up all over again. The toughest part for me was getting to the realization he's not coming back and all you can do is one day at a time. Be good to yourself and don't let anyone pressure you into anything else.

Take care and God Bless,

Cindi

[nancy55]

Today was better. I seem to be in alittle more control. But I know everyday will be a challenge and tomorrow I might cry a river of tears. I am trying to plan two trips -one in Sept and one in Oct. But it is very hard to try to act happy about anything. I figure I might as well travel with my family as sit home. I just pray this gets better. I hate this empty lonely feeling--knowing that he will not be back. Take care, thanks for listening. God bless,Nancy

[tammy61]

I am crying after reading of everyone's loss. I'm so sorry for all of you! I am thankful I found this site--I lost my fiance 11 months ago & I have experienced all the same emotions but have not had anyone to talk to about them. I have only kept my sanity through prayer. The loneliness & pain are still w/me 24/7 but I can occasionally get through a day without tears. I am trying to "start a new life" but it is hard. I laugh, I meet people who do not know of my loss & wonder how I do it because I still feel so empty & sad--I think I will always feel this way, as if part of me is gone--so I have accepted that lonely feeling & just live one day at a time. Lately, the 1 year mark has been on my mind--September 12, 2005 @ 6:29 pm--how have I made it almost a year without the only man I have ever loved by my side??? Time has passed and I cannot tell you where it went. I re-live Roy's death every day but it only occurred to me a few days ago to thank the Lord for allowing me to be at his side when he died suddenly from a heart attack. I am so thankful I was holding him & he was not alone!!! I truly believe I would have lost my sanity if I had come home to find him gone. I would have lain in bed & died if I did not have my 2 teenage boys--they are my only reason to live. 8 months after Roy died his father passed away from cancer--I have my "mother-in-law", whom I love so much, to talk to but I try not to add to her burden of losing her youngest son & then her husband of 56 years--she is an amazing person--worrying about everyone else & always cheering everyone else up without speaking of her losses. She "talks" to dad just as I "talk" to Roy on a daily basis--on my lowest days I will get a "sign" that my worries & sorrow are being heard--I cannot say if it is God, an angel or Roy--I just know that something shows me my words were heard & that has brought comfort.

I am thankful I found this site. I am sorry all of us have to "come together" under these crcumstances but it is such a relief for me to have someone who understands what I am going through, who is feeling the exact same way I feel every day. Thank you for sharing your grief.

Tammy

[withani]

Tammy61...I am so sorry to hear of your loss..this site has helped me tremendously!!! I lost my significant other of the past 11 years to acute myocarditis January 2nd. Unfortunately I was not with him..I was getting my oil changed and the guilt that follows not being there was almost unbearable the first few months. I know what you mean by if not for your two teenage boys you would have laid in bed and died. I felt the same way..if not for my teenage son and daughter and grandson I would have done the same as well. I can also relate to the emptiness and feeling as if a part of you is gone. Gary was the love of my life...my soulmate and it's hard to believe 8 mos has gone by without him. It's all just a blur....

Like you...I speak to him EVERYDAY...and at my lowest times I get signs. Whether they're from him..God..an angel. I don't know. One of my favorites is when I kept asking God for a sign that Gary is in a good place and I was cutting my backyard grass when out of nowhere a broker yellow helium balloon landed at my feet. It was in a circle and frayed all the way around the edges and looks like a sun...I picked it up and but it in my pocket and it hangs from my bedroom mirror. I believe in signs and that I will be with him again someday.

God doesn't make mistakes and for some reason he needed your Roy and my Gary to return home at this time...god bless you!!!

Cindi

[nancy55]

Both of the previous posts-made me cry. I know exactly how both of you women feel. My husband just died June 21st and I can't imagine feeling like this for a year or more. I feel so empty. The last three days I could hardly get out of bed. I take naps in the afternoon when I'm not working to get away from my pain.

I go to bed early at nite, because I have made it thru another day without him. I feel I'm losing my mind. I have no energy but some how i make it to work. Keeping busy after work with friends and family is fine, but I still feel lonely for him. I am upset because I thought this would get better. I know it's early but I want to feel better. I take sleeping pills at nite, and they do help me get to sleep. I hate my life without him. Take care and God bless you, Nancy C

[Artina]

Nancy55,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Tina

[withani]

Nancy55...God Bless You...Hugs...I find it best just to take one day at a time..cry when you want to...rest when you want to..both are good for you. Another thing that seems to help me is talking to Gary everyday and has opened me up to signs from him. If you're not doing this already I'll tell you it has really helped me. There's a messageboard called ADC's (after death communications) that I really like as well. I'm glad you found this site...take care of yourself!!!!! More Hugs...Cindi

[sillygirl]

Hi to everyone...I am so sorry to hear of all of your losses. I lost my husband 18 months ago and all of the emotions I can understand. It does get easier but only with time, your time, not anyone elses. I am learning to move on, knowing that Jerry is still with me in my heart and in my mind. No one understands how we all feel or what we are experiencing. They just don't have a clue. I hope that this site will help all of you as much as it has helped me. You are never alone here.

Laura, Jen and everyone else, I hope that you are all doing ok. I miss not hearing from here. You are all still in my prayers.

I will keep all of you that have posted lately in my prayers also. Everyone please take care. Gods' blessings and mine. Sue

[nancy55]

Withani and Artina, Thank you for your response. It is good to know others know how you really feel. I will check out the ADC's. I do feel I need to know he is with me. I do talk to him everyday. I have started writing to him also. It helps me feel I am doing something with all the emotions I have. God bless all of you out there. I am surely glad I found this site.God bless,Nancy

[kalagirl41]

Jesus, I'm coming up on 4 years and really, it kind of pisses me off that I've been grieving for so long. I've let him go...I've moved on in so many ways...I don't know what to do? My god, I can't even admit this grieving for so long, everyone thinks I'm nuts. I remember this conversation we had a long time ago - he said he'd haunt me if something ever happened. Does he? Why can't my heart heal? I feel nothing, just jaded, empty. so sad. Is anyone out there like this after this amount of time? I can't even talk about this anymore - there's no one who wants to hear this...my god, what do you do? No, medication is an answer for me and no kidding - I realize I'm depressed. Any thoughts that really help me? How long can a person do this?

[withani]

Nancy55...I read your posting on ADC...it's a really cool site. I've been writing since May and that seems to help as well. Just when you think you're starting to get out of the woods something happens. Today I went canoeing..something that should've been much fun but instead I spent most my time sad and wanting to cry over it. Take Care..Hugs..CindiSue

[lauraa]

Sillygirl, Joyce, Chris and Jen,

I hope all you guys are doing o.k. and just want you all to know I continue to keep you in my heart along with all the new people here. I am in a stage where I am so tired that it is even hard to read and respond sometimes...does anyone know what that feels like? I think it is having the kids off for the summer and being completely absorbed with all their stuff and everything else. I am making it alright. It has been almost 15 months for me and a rollercoaster as you all know. I am just trying to take one day at a time and my kids do keep me extremely busy with sports, etc. I did have a car accident 5 weeks ago which I thought would have been a total but they are fixing it but the good news is that neither my daughter or I were injured. I also had a surgery last week and I am healing well but trying to just pace myself to get thru things. I also just got home from taking my oldest off to college today....very emotional! This is alot of stuff, huh? Well, the way I look at things is I can do anything as the worst thing has happened and nothing will ever be that bad again. I hope you all are o.k. and hope you all post when you can and please know I keep you all in my heart and prayers daily.

[charcoal8]

Thank you for you response, I am so sorry to hear about your experience, people grieve differently often become vindictive after someone dies. And old flames come out of the wood work. Sean's girlfiend from over 5 years ago came to one of the viewings, professing that she had lost her best friend (even though she was the one who broke things off with him). Sean's whole family, even distant relatives knew who she was, even thoguh most had never met me. She didn't even walk up to Sean, she just flashed one hell of a smile at me and then proceded to "cry" even more.

Charcoal8,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience...and how unthoughtful of Sean's parents. Some of the abuse we suffer after our beloved passes on is unreal!!!!!

In my case my significant other for the past 11 years who was also my fiance' but I didn't marry because he had a problem with alcohol and was bipolar so I felt it would be financial suicide for me to marry...hindsight I wish I'd just done it anyway...it would have made him sooo happy.

Anyway his exwife of 12 years ago on the day he passed took the keys to his storage unit (which my name was on also)..called me and said since we were never legally married everything belongs to his 16 year old son... how said that made me..not because there was anything of value but because what he did have represented the many years of our life together.

Also...she had the memorial...I was just a blob..and she had her husband say the eulogy...then she spoke and sang a song "I Hope You Dance". The people who were there were her family who hadn't spoken to Gary in 12 years!!!

Uggghhhhhh...what is it with people that add these insults to injury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[withani]

Charcoal8...I KNOW how you must've felt...it makes you feel so unsignificant but HE KNOWS your were there for him no matter who you knew in the family. There were several of Gary's family members I never met because they never communicated with him in 11 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We know...they know and God knows and that's all that is important.

Hugs!

Cindi

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa,

I know it's been a while since I wrote, and I hope you are doing well. I hope your surgery went okay. I think about you all the time and hope you are doing okay. I have bought a house and found a job, all within the first month of being back out here. I'm really hoping that things start smoothing out a little more. You seem to have had a lot on your plate lately and Im sure that you will pull through just fine. You told me that a few times and sometimes I think I might make it. It's different doing things on my own, being the only one who makes decisions for my little one now. He's doing very well and I'm so happy to see that. It's actually getting really late here, so I should probably head off to bed. There's no stopping the 7 oclock wake up call I get from him every morning. I hope Chris, and everyone else on the website for that matter, is doing well, haven't heard from him in a while. I'm thinking about you.

Jen