I Miss Him So...

[withani]

Miss Lambrini and April....I am soooooo sorry to hear of both your losses...I've been "in the process" for almost 10 months now and you're right about the pain being extremely deep. It took me over two months to get my beloved's autopsy...I wasn't sure if it were suicide or something else and felt somewhat relieved that the autopsy said acute myocarditis. Had never heard of this before but like Miss Lambrini...somehow I always knew I was going to be left alone as well. Best thing I can recommend is getting as much sleep as you can..and I know it helped me to read books with regard to spirtuality and the afterlife. God bless you both (((HUGS)))..Withani

[lauraa]

Joyce,

I hope you are feeling better. I hate all of this! I hate that life goes on and we feel so forgotten with our grief and our loss...It is so lonely! Everyday, I ask myself "what am I suppose to do now". Only the lord knows because I sure as heck don't...not a clue....my life as I knew it went up in smoke. One day at a time, huh? I am at a place where I am not phased by to heck of a lock...nothing excites me and nothing really ticks me off? Just going about like, "oh well"...I still don't want to be with alot of people....only my small group of friends. I started a part time job and they invited by to their X-mas party...I have no desire what so ever to do that and they are promting me to come. I really don't want to be with all couples and I don't want to be a burden to them to all have to try and assist me in having a good time....it just really doesn't matter to me...I'de rather be home! I really don't know what will make an impact on me to give me meaning to put all my interest in? Oh well, one day at a time with hopes that we will all get stronger with each new day.......God bless!

[computermemaw2]

Joyce,

I hate all of this! I hate that life goes on and we feel so forgotten with our grief and our loss...It is so lonely! Everyday, I ask myself "what am I suppose to do now". ....my life as I knew it went up in smoke. ...nothing excites me and nothing really ticks me off? Just going about like, "oh well"...I still don't want to be with alot of peoplethey invited by to their X-mas party...I have no desire what so ever to do that and they are promting me to come. I really don't want to be with all couples I'de rather be home![/quote

I hardly go to the malls any more, it depresses me so. I see everyone with smiles, couples, and it about breaks my heart. It's all I can do to keep from bursting into tears. I look at others and wonder what's the matter with me. Surely there are folks in this sea of people I see that have lost loved ones--how did they do it? How do they get through the days still smiling, still wanting to go on with life? I wonder what's the matter with me that I feel this grief so strongly. When someone tells me "you'll always remember your first love, nothing will ever take that away, but you'll have another one day, it'll just be different" I just want to scream! I don't want another love--I want the one I lost back! I don't know why, but I just feel there won't be anyone else in my life--I don't want there to be. I was perfectly content being a "one woman man" and, that's what I'll end up being. I just wish I had as much faith that I WILL one day be with my husband again. I still am having a difficult time. Maybe it's because I'm approaching the second year mark and it's finally sinking in that my husband isn't coming back. It's kinda funny--I still look for him in a crowd. One day, I was at Cracker Barrell and saw someone that made me stop in my tracks--he looked so much like my husband. My heart almost burst with joy--then the knot started again in my stomach, because after that one brief moment of happiness, I remembered. Everyone says to take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, eat right, etc, and I feel like I'm falling apart. I've picked up 30 pounds over almost 2 years, and don't really care. Trouble is, I don't know where it's coming from since I don't think I'm eating more than I used to. In fact, I think I'm eating less, but medicine I'm on also can contribute to weight gain, so guess I'll have to start keeping an eye on that. Additionally, the stress has made me develope fibermyalgia. I never liked feeling badly when my husband was alive, but at least when I felt ill, he would be there to pat the top of my head, and would so gently cover me with a blanket, tucking it in around me and telling me not to worry about anything, he'd take care of it and for me to just rest. It's so lonesome when you don't feel well and you're alone. My daughter and granddaughter are living with me for a bit now, but I feel I might as well be on an island by myself. I feel there's no one to talk to and I'm tired of talking to air. I don't know what I believe any more, and I think my faith has been stretched to its limit. I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch with a girlfriend one day and when she said "go ahead, open up your fortune cookie and see what it says your future holds" I just looked at her and said "I have no future." I feel like I died the day my husband did. The person that was then has ceased to exist, and it's frightening to look at myself in the mirror sometimes and wonder "who are you now? Where do you go? What do you do now?" I'm usually not such a down person--I'm generally stronger than this. I'm just hoping that one day I'll wake up and say to myself "no more, this has got to stop, you've got to get a handle on this" and I'll be able to. I've prayed to God, if there is one, to somehow help me get through this--I can't do it alone. And I've asked him to take care of my loved one. But I don't know what I feel any more, don't know what I believe in any more. Don't even know if it matters any more. I'm in this hole and I just don't think I'm going to be able to come out of it. But I'll keep on coming back here, reading everyone's input, trying to find something to grasp onto to keep going. There's nothing else we can do. Gayle

[dsam24]

Hi. I'm new here. my DH died just a little over a month ago (Aug 25) suddenly at the age of 32. this was just 2 weeks after the birth of our daughter. (we also have a son who is 18 months) he was driving our car at the time and was in a one vehicle accident about a minute from our home, though the police have said that was not the cause of his death. we are waiting for autopsy/toxocology and crime scene reconstruction to figure out what happened. I was told it might be 10-14 more weeks until we find out. I am suspecting a heart attack from what little info. I have so far but still don't know for sure. it has been incredibly hard. I am just looking for support as I am still in shock. we have been together for 8 years (living together) and married for almost 3. last week would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary and DH 33rd bday. it's been so hard and I feel so alone. especially with the daunting task of raising my kids alone. he was my soulmate and I miss him so much. I feel like I'm living in slow motion now. everyone tells me how sorry they are but I am just empty as nobody I know REALLY understands what I'm going through. anyway I found this message board looking for grief support online as I live in a rural area and there are no groups that I know of locally. I am also a stay at home mom which isolates me even further. my kids are so young and I am so sad they will never know their Daddy like I did. I'm planning on starting a journal for them and show my 18mo pictures daily (something we did even before DH died but is so much more important now). It breaks my heart to know ds will probably eventually forget his memoried of his dad. it's killing me inside to think of it! The sad thing is we had talked about this happening and in the back of my mind I always knew he would die. somehow I just knew this would happen and I would be left alone to live life without him. a couple days before he died he even told me he felt like he would die if he did not quit smoking. I brushed this off and told him don't be silly. About a year ago he even told me he wanted to videotape himself talking to ds about different things he wanted to tell him just in case he were to die. I don't know how or why this happened. Sometimes I feel like our life was just too perfect and we were too happy. I just don't know how I will go on. I feel his energy surrounding me but still I am so alone. My heart is just broken and I don't know what to do with myself at all. Thankfully I have my kids as they are what gets me out of bed in the morning and keep me going. but it's still incredibly hard. I am so glad to have found this site. I hope to get to know you all better in the coming weeks and months. thanks for listening~Peace & Love & Light~ April

April I know how you feel. I just lost my husband on July 24th. He was 33.

[jlizzy]

Hi,

First, April: I am so sorry for your loss. There isnt much anyone can say

right now but are you keeping a journal? That helped me a lot during the

past 15 months and I still write in it from time to time. I guess if I

wrote in it more, it might help. But you will find that everyone here

will support you because we are all going through the same thing; we are

just at different stages.

My father died when I was 1 1/2 years old; when I was 3 yrs old my mother

remarried. When I asked her why she remarried, she told me that I needed

a father; but that my real father was her only true love and she had

never forgotten him.

Laura and Gayle,

I have always hated roller coasters and I am on one and cant get off.

Some days are okay and others are really hard. I find that when I cry

now, I cry harder than I did before. My life is nothing like it was

before. I cant work, I wish I could. I am finally getting a appeal hearing

for Social Security Disability in November. So far it has been two years

since I applied. The PA insurance only covers certain doctors and most

are through the clinic and on the second floor and since my husband passed

I cant go on the second floor because he was my support for my claustrophobia

and now with my back and legs hurting, I cant climb the stairs.

I understand just how you feel, this is a time when we need someone to talk

to and nobody understands. I go to counselling for my physiatrist and that

helps to some extent, but not enough.

I went to a lawyer to see about a malpractice case against the doctors and

hospital by husband was in in NJ. I got a copy of the MRI report from

Sept 2003 that was taken. My husbands orthopedic doctor who had the MRI

ordered told us there was a possibility of cancer but to go to another

doctor who would tell us if it was or not. The other doctor told us it

was pagets disease (an extra growth of bone that could be dissolved).

Well, the report from the MRI says there was a lesion in L1 and L4 vertebral bodies suggestive of multiple myeloma with tumor mass along the posterior

aspect of L4 occupying 75% of the spinal cord. Mass not bone growth.

The second doctor knew it was cancer.

Now I am really mad. I looked up the multiple myeloma and it says the first

stage would be a lesion on the bone and that there were treatments that

had to be done right away. There is no cure, but quality of life would be

better and it could be controlled. There were tests that should've been

taken and werent. These tests would have shown cancer for certain.

What is wrong with doctors???? Why dont they tell patients the results.

If he would have said it was cancer, we would have sought help through

one of the cancer centers.

Thus, from September, 2003 through January, 2004, when we found out it was

cancer; it spread to other parts of his body.

This is making it even harder on me. We rely on doctors and they dont care.

It's only money to them; they dont want to lose money by sending a patient

to another doctor so they dont tell us the truth.

I am sorry, I am so mad today.

I believe that my husband and I will be reunited when it is my time to pass

over. This is what helps me keep going on. God has a reason for taking him;

I dont care what it is, I dont like it. Now, I dont make plans for anything,

and as far as holiday parties, I dont go. I have a hard enough time trying

to help my son decorate his store for Halloween. On Halloween every year

since I knew my husband, he would dress up as a female. He used to say,

"I become a cross dresser once a year." He would go to work as a cook in

high heels and I never understood how he could work in them all day.

I live with my memories now, that's all I have left. Whenever I remember

something special, I talk to him about it. I dont go to church, but I

do pray to God every night and I talk to my husband every night and on and

off all day.

One day at a time is all I can say. Dont try to foget him/her. Rely on

all of your memories to help you get through. This helps me. When I think

of some of the things we did together; some of his reactions to situations,

some of the things he had said; it makes me laugh.

I felt his presence around me all the time for months and then I couldnt

feel him anymore. But when I go into my memories, I can feel him. So,

now I am remembering something every day, just to feel him close.

Remember what helps one of us, will not necessarily help others. but anything

is worth a try, so we all share what helps us.

God led us to this site for help and he led us to the right place. For here

I have received more help than anywhere else.

Thank you all,

God Bless

Joyce

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi there ladies.

Thanks for the advice on the journal Joyce. it helps to write things down, at least for me it does.

Sally- I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. please know it's not your fault though.

I just had my social security appt. this past Friday and am just SICK to my stomach wondering how me and my kids will survive. my DH owned part of a company with my father in law who promised he would continue paying me DH salary until the company went out of business. (out of guilt I'm sure) now he informs me he can't afford it when I asked what to tell SSA during my appt. I am just sick over it all. he used my DH for so many things involving him in lawsuits, promisising him this and that,etc.and then keeps on promising things even after his death, I don't feel I can trust him at all. nor do I want to keep on depending on him as we did while DH was alive. plus when was he going to even tell me if I hadn't asked? on top of it all I've dicovered my DH was using cocaine around the time he died (or something similiar-I found it hidden in our bathroom drawer) and it just makes me so damn mad! I am pretty positive it had something to do with his death but still no word from the police. I just don't even know what he was thinking!?!?!?! He has never been thte type to use cocaine that I know of so it's a complete shock to me. How could he do somehthing so freaking stupid? especially with a 2 week old and 18mo at home? I feel so betrayed and abandoned right now. It does explain a few things though I had noticed prior to his death (mood swings, excessive sweating, being broke,etc)I am mad at the world really right now but most especially DH for leaving me in this mess and just sick over this. This week has been so hard on me and I'm barely functioning and I'm sick to death of his needy family. They all say they want to help me but yet nobody does/is. All they do is create more stress/guilt/etc. and put it on me. It's all about them and always has been. I am trying to distance myself from them at the moment. I just feel like such a bad mom right now and complete white trash and it's just not fair to my kids or even of my own doing and makes me so mad all over again. I feel like I'm falling into a hole. anyway if you've gotten this far thanks for listening to me vent...

[lauraa]

Gayle,

I just finished reading your poem again and I am crying. I feel that came straight from my husband...when he was sick I always said "stay in the light" to keep him motived and encouraged....thank you for sharing that with all of us here. I hope you are doing o.k. I know this road is like a long slow torture. Just keep reading that poem or whatever you need to do to get thru.

Joyce,

I hope you are feeling better. I will think of you and your S/S to all work out. I feel like it is time for me to go visit my little church again which is where I always find peace and my husband always comes thru to me there. Know that I am with you in spirit.

[jlizzy]

Laura,

I have so many ups and downs. The memories keep flowing through my mind right

now. I guess this is just another stage of this misery.

I do have to tell you one thing: Every night I go onto the patio, look at the

sky and talk to Bob. Wednesday night, I was on the patio talking to Bob.

It was very cloudy and I watched my name being written among the clouds.

It was weird, but I felt Bob was doing it to calm me down and let me know

that he is still with me.

April,

I dont know your complete situation, but you are not a bad mother. You are

taking care of your children the best you can. I am sure that DH loved you;

he probably just got lost and didnt know how to let you know. My husband

left me a tape and on it he said, "We always talked". Yes, we always talked

but not about his mental problems.

You have to feel good about you. Dont go in the past and think,"What if"

or "Why". We will not know the reasons until are loved ones come for us to

take us to Heaven to be with them. I know how hard this is to do, because

I have been there and still have my moments. But our kids are what seem

to help us get through this misery.

Talk to DH all the time, no matter where you are or what you are doing.

He will hear you and do what he can to help you. You must have faith

right now. I know this isnt easy either. I lost my faith in the beginning,

like many others; but somehow it comes back.

Nobody understands what a widow or widower goes through unless they are

going through it or have gone through it. I think it scares people to

try to help us because it brings the realization to them that it could

happen to them.

Stand up for yourself and your children. Fight for what is yours.

Another suggestion, that helped me, is to make up photo albums just for

your children of pictures, cards, etc. I made up an album of just my Bob

and I am in the process of making albums for all of the grandchildren,

and I have a lot of them. I'm also making CDs of all the songs that Bob

liked for all of them. And I am collecting VHS tapes from everyone who

has Bob on them and am making a tape of the good times.

Stay here at this site, because everyone here can help you on this long

journey. If there is anything I can do to help, please dont hesitate

to contact me at fales46@hotmail.com. I havent had the easiest life and

there is a lot you can do to help yourself. I hope your SS appt went well.

because that money will help.

God Bless and Hang in there

Joyce

[njgirl361]

I can't even believe I am writing this. My fiance, Mark died last Saturday of a sudden heart attack. I am carrying his son and am due in 8 weeks. I have 3 sons from my previous marriage. Mark and I were so happy about the baby and he is my best friend in the world. HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT HIM? My heart feels like it is being torn out every minute of the day. Everyone is telling me this baby is a blesing and I feel guilty thinking "HOW CAN IT BE" . I am left here to not only raise my 3 boys but also to go through the rest of this pregnancy alone and raise this child without a father. I am still in shock and I have this feeling that something will change to make this pain go away. My children were also extremely attached to him and are grieving his death. I feel so helpless.....will this paid ever go away.....sometimes I wish I could just go with him.

[lauraa]

njgirl361,

I am so sorry...we all know here what your feeling...it's horrible! Keep talking with us and we will all listen and no matter what you feel or say it is o.k. and it is all normal. I know you are totally overwhelmed....just take one day at a time and get thru one minute at a time. I don't have to tell you how important it is to take extra special care of yourself now...you would need to do that especially now in this stage of your pregnancy not to mention the passing of your best friend...truely I am so sorry. Somehow, someway you will make it in one piece and honestly it is a rough road that we all are on here. I lost my husband almost 17 months ago and both my parents all within 6 months of each other....it is the roughest thing I have had to do. I have 3 teenagers that loved their dad dearly. Things I know is they are closer to us than our own hearts, they would not want us to be sad and they are still with us guiding us in all we do.....Quiet yourself whenever possible and look for him and you will see....god bless you and keep writing.....

Joyce, You and I are around the same time frame that we lost our husbands. It is so damn hard and really doesn't feel easier. The only way I can get a good nites sleep with by taking meds...I hate that but I had to weigh the benefits and the risks of no sleep...."This to shall pass",huh? I hope your S/S goes thru and you can find independence. Try everyday to get alittle piece of that. I just started working one day a week and it is good for me to be with people as hard as it is. I do still cry immediately when I leave and drive home. I think when we were so in love like we were it will never leave us but we need to figure out a way to manage it so we can cope the best we can. I still can see my husbands eyes as if he is right here with me and I always know what his opinion would be or what he would say in a conversation....He was in my skin, my heart...my soul and always will be. I pray for you as I know your loss and I know you can totally relate to what I'm am saying.......Nytty!

[njgirl361]

Lauraa........Thank you so much for your response. It's unbelievable to me that less than two weeks ago I had no reason for being on this website. Nor did I even think about the pain of other people. It makes you realize that when life is good how much we all take it for granted, while around us so many people are in pain. I am trying to take one day at a time but my worries about the future are overwhelming. I hope you and your children are doing ok...whatever ok is...I'm sure the pain has to lessen but missing the person can never go away. I have to be strong for the baby and be sane so I can be the best mother he deserves. Thank you again for you support...I will talk to you soon. Michele

[iocasti]

There is so much pain in this site..there are so many whys? There are all crazy situations, young people passing away leaving alone others to raise children all alone..people hitted twice and more by very bad luck, people that loved eachother deep lefted in the middle of the pain ocean.... why? how? I love you all in here...wish we had the chance to meet eachother and live together...WE the ones that noones can understand WE that death hitted us...close your eyes to the past, close your eyes to the future and just moove on...we are still alive...we have things to do...take care of ourselves our children our relatives...try to smile...and keep climping the mountain of life for as long as we can couse we can not do anything else...the clock counts the minutes either tears or smiles colours your face...fight with smile love yourself be strong love you all....

[mylissasmama]

Hi I am Heather, a 24 year old single mother of a 5 month old wonderful little girl. My daughter was born May 1st 2005 and her father, my fiance, was killed in a car accident on May 2nd 2005. The driver of the car was his best friend and they had been out celebrating the birth of Mylissa. I never imagind this could happen to me. How can god allow someone to have the most ultimate high and then give them the most ultimate low. Within 48 hours i gained a little girl and lost my soulmate. I never imagined living my life without him and now I have no choice but to go on everyday and raise our little girl. She has definately been a godsend and I know that without her I would probably be laying next to him. I cry daily at the thought of how much I miss him and at the thought of one day my little girl is gonna ask me where her daddy is. Beyong being hurt, I am scared to death. I am the only one responsible for this little girla dn I dont know if I can do it alone. I will do my best but I am so scared to mess up in anyway.

[njgirl361]

Dear Mylissasmama........I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...me too, just lost the love of my life..11 days ago my fiance passed away at 40 years old of a massive heart attack. I am left here scared and alone and I am 8 weeks away from having his son. I feel like someone is ripping my heart out..and I have to stay strong for the baby and my "three" other kids. Please know that you're not alone in this world...we all have "normal" lives and in a second it is turned upside down. Cherish that baby girl and let her know about her father through stories and pictures....you'll be a great mom......and you are so young and have so much to look forward to. Write back....if you need to. Michele

[lauraa]

Melissamama,

I am so so sorry for your loss....my heart goes out to you! In regards to being afraid of raising your daughter...you already are doing it! That's what my therapist said to me after I lost my husband/I have 3 teenagers...I said, "How am I going to do this"? and she said, "You already are! One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time as I am sure you have found out....I have you and everyone here in my prayers. There are different stages of grieving that helps to know about so we all don't think we are nuts....Keep writing!

[njgirl361]

It's been 11 days since I've lost him....everyday seems to bring on new challenges....yesterday seemed almost tollerable...today I tried going back to work for a few hours and it was horrible...everyone coming up to me with their sympathy....their intentions of course are good, but it hurts so bad. I came home and had to write down my thoughts...to all of you...the people who know how badly the pain feels. I still can't believe that I will never see my true love again and that I have to continue with life without him here. I can't imagine it getting any easier...is this how I'm going to feel forever? The pain can kill me...I have to try to be strong for my kids and this unborn child. Please pray for me as I am for all of you. God Bless...Michele

[julianmae]

Njgirl..My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family.

[computermemaw2]

It's been 11 days since I've lost him...is this how I'm going to feel forever? The pain can kill me... Please pray for me as I am for all of you.

My heart goes out to you. 11 days....an eternity right now. Have you seen the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" where Tom Hanks says to the radio doctor when asked how are you doing---"well, I get up in the morning and tell myself to breathe, waiting for the day when I won't have to remind myself to breathe"? That's what you do each day--get up and tell yourself to breathe, to take one day at a time, one moment at a time. Don't look past today. I feel your pain--we all do. Is this how you're going to feel forever? I won't even try to give you an answer to that because I think it's going to be different for all of us. 22 months and I'm still feeling like it was yesterday, a dream that I'm waiting to wake up from, struggling with the realization that I'm not going to see my husband again in this lifetime and having to try and hang onto what shred of faith I've got left to keep believing I WILL see him again, eventually, when it's my time to go to heaven. I still cry at the unfairness of it, still question and ask "why?", still cry because I miss my husband and what should have been and now will never be--cry because the life I knew is gone and will never be the same. Cry because I feel as if I died along with my husband the day he did. I'm not the same person I was, and am just trying to get through each day still. Know we're all here for you--I know it's not the same as having your loved one back with you and that you'd do anything to have him back, but we do care about you and will be here to help you carry on. Gayle

[jlizzy]

Hi Everyone,

We are linked because of what we are going through and for me, this is a

good thing. Without this site, I dont know how I would have gone on this

past 15 1/2 months. For those of you who have just recently lost your loved

ones: I know what you are going through and it is so terribly hard. I must

say that at times it will be easier but the roller coaster is never ending.

I am claustrophobic and to get me on rides at the carnivals my Mom used to

say, "Nothing lasts for ever". That worked for rides, but this is life

and I will always have a hole in my heart, just as you all will. We have to

find a way to keep on going until our loved one comes to get us to join

him/her in heaven. I keep busy, I write in my journal and I visit with

my grandchildren in Jersey as much as I can- for they are the legacy that

my husband left. I sit at night and remember all the good times even though

it makes me cry. I still cry when I hear some of the old songs and I can

picture my husband dancing to them.

Every so often, I can feel my husbands presence. Last week, I was sitting

on the patio, it was about 9:30 PM (that is the time he passed) I was

looking at the clouds in the sky and I saw my name being written in the

clouds. JOY, clear as could be. I thanked my husband for letting me know

he is with me.

I went on Sunday to watch my grandchildren in Jersey while my son and

daughter-in-law went to a wedding. My youngest grandaughter has a Snoopy

doll that talks when it has batteries in it. Well, the batteries went dead

a couple of years ago and they were taken out and never replaced.

This Snoopy had been saying, "Do you need a hug?" off and on for the past

15 months. I had never heard it until Sunday night. During the night, it

woke me up a number of times saying, "Do You Need a Hug?" "I love you" and

"hug me".

This September after my husband passed, I went to a holistic fair. When

my husband and I met, he was walking a dog. The first thing the psychic said

to me, was there is a tall man walking a dog that wants to speak with you.

I guess the best advice anyone can give you is: take it very slow

take care of yourself and children; let yourself grieve as long as you need

to; talk to your loved one; and know that even though we are all questioning

why, it is normal to do so. I found that talking about my husband helped me.

I know how hard it is to get friends and family to talk about your loved one

with you; but you can always talk about him/her here.

God Bless All of you on Your Journey

JOyce

It would be nice to meet some of you, if anyone is ever in the Allentown, PA

area or in New Jersey, let me know. I dont travel very far.

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele,

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry about your husband. I can't imagine being pg and dealing with this..but I do know what it's been like with a young baby. surround yourself with as much support as you can and of course we are here for you here as well.

I love this board and feel close to all of you as I know you know what it feels like and what I'm going through. not many people in my real life do.

as for the cocaine (I wrote about in a previous post)and DH- I found out last week that the WHOLE family knew there was a vial found on his body. ugh! I can't believe nobody told me until 7 weeks after the fact! I called & talked with the sherrif after finding out (he didn;t even tell me and he was in my home when he came to tell me DH died w/ 4 other policemen) and he told me it was positivily cocaine. though the cause of death still hasn't been determined even 8 weeks later. I am so beside myself as I never knew or would have ever suspected DH was into it. I am really mad at him right now and ask him 1,000 times a day "why" and then I feel guilty as well because was I such a bad wife he had to resort to drugs? I didn't think so and thought our life together was a good one, but it'hard to understand and accept I'll never know the answers, and I feel even more lost now like I didn't even know my DH. but like the sherrif told me I hope he's in a better place and at peace. I really do. I can hear him telling me he's sorry in my mind constantly. he was such a good man but I know it doesn't probably sound like it by the sound of the drug use. but he was. I am just most sorry for my kids and thinking what a waste for him to die this way..

[cecilia]

I feel that maybe, just maybe i have found a place to comfort myself. I have read some of the horribel stories here, and in some weird way it gives me peace to know that other women like myslef are suffering too. Selfishly I felt I suffered alone.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. Now I feel more alone than ever. My husband... my Daniel died in a horrible accident. Why did God do this I ask? Then I look at these other posts on this message baord and I ask... How cruel can this life be? Some of us are so weak like me. Others of you are so strong.

The internet for right now seems to be the only place I can find peace. I am too much of a mess to talk to anyone, not even my kids.

For a month now I have spent almost every day on the internet. The only small peace of mind I found was another similar website where I was able to start a memorial for my sweetie Daniel. This "MessagesOf.com" let me create a memorial. But i don't even have any damn digital pictures! Oh god it seems like even the most stupid details make me want to give up alltogether!

When I wake up, I dont have him to roll over onto. When I wake up I don't have him there as my strong support and guide. Sometimes I don't want to wake up anymore.

CC

[njgirl361]

Another day waking up to this misery...I feel guilty saying that because I have my 3 beautiful children and one on the way to live for. But losing my love, bestfriend and father of this child is the hardest challenge I've ever had to face. I seems that life is just going on around me..people living their everyday normal schedules....just like I did less than two weeks ago. And then there it was....BOOM! Like an explosion....my whole world fell apart with one phone call from his brother. "Michele, he died". I will never forget that call nor the feeling I had when I heard those words. It was unbelievable...I almost felt like someone had taken me out of my own body and I was standing and watching myself fall apart from the sidelines. Yesterday seemed more tolerable..for some reason...I think he gives me the strength from beyond..to be able to function.....I can't imagine living with this pain forever...Does it ever subside??? I know Mark wouldn't want me to hurt like this...he hated to see me cry...I will try to make each day a better one...so he doesn't have to see me suffer like this. God Bless all of you here......Only we, who have lost our loved ones can relate to how painful everyday could be. Let's embrace the better moments..that's what are loved ones would want to see. Michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele, I have to say I feel a real connection with you. my daughter was 2 weeks old when DH died (Now 2mo and my son is 19 months) it's so hard to go on but you MUST do it for your kids. some days you will feel numb and others you will just be on autopilot. others will be better.let yourself greive though. at first I was afraid to cry in front of my kids but they really don't understand it anyway, though they do pick up on my moods. I decided long ago not to supress the way I feel as it's just not healthy for anyone. at least this is how I feel. the pain is real and isn't going to dissapear anytime soon. everyone keeps telling me how "well" I'm handling everything but they don't know how long the nights are or how hard my days really are as no one is in my exact position raising 2 babies alone. I really see no point in being hysterical and secretly I think some of our family would get satsfaction in seeing me that way. DH certainly would have not wanted me to be in this position but this is just the way it is. nothing can change it. I do feel stronger than I ever knew I was before he died.anyway regardless of the way I act or feel won't change a thing or bring him back. anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is above all, take care of yourself first, as your kids need you. and especially your new little blessing on the way. you may not know it now but your baby is a miracle. your partner's legacy. in a way things have been easier and harder at the same time with a new baby (you may not quite understand this completley though until your baby is born) also, do you have support for your upcoming birth? I don't know your situation but if you don't mind me saying so I would really reccomend you try to find a birth doula in your area if you can (I'm actually one or at least have gone through the training, just not working atm) and it's a wonderful addition to your birth team. not for medical support but emotional support. there are even post partum doulas as well. and many doula's will work for free if you don't think you can afford it. check out www.DONA.org for more info (click on mothers and families in the menu) if you're interested (if not then just disregard what I've written) but it may help you out a lot to have some extra support.

[njgirl361]

Aprilmoonflower.........thank you for the reply. It is friday night and my boys are with their father. I'm staying at my mother's house because I can't bare to be in the house alone yet. I miss him so much tonight...I felt ok during the day...but i just started to feel so empty and the realization that I will never see him again has set in again....I never loved someone so much. I am 39 years old and finally felt like my life was "set"...finding the man I love...having his baby and making all of us a "family". Now all my future dreams are gone and I have to live with the pain. I just can't accept the fact that he is gone....how do you? I have so many friends and supportive family....but the pain does not subside. I pray tomorrow will be a better day....sometimes I feel so angry at him for leaving me...even though I know how much he loved me and his unborn son...in my heart I know he didn't want to leave. I know I'm going on and on...I just need to get this off my chest. I hope today was a better day for you. Talk to you soon. Michele

[aprilmoonflower]

I really have no advice on accepting you will never see him again. some days are easier than others for me. it's like my life is a bad joke half the time and the other half I KNOW I'm incredibly blessed to have my babies. I always try to think things could always be worse. becuase no matter how badly we may feel there's always someone out there who's worse off if you know what I mean? not that other's people's pain makes me feel better but it sure make's me count my blessings. my son was in the car w/ DH just hours before he died and that rocks me to my core. not sure how I would deal if I had lost both of them at once. it's just hard anyway you look at it. I know what you mean about being alone. I don't think I could stay in our house alone either. that's why I'm so incredibly thankful my kids are with me. I take so much comfort in them. especially the baby. I'm going through a really awful hard time (with DH dying) and a really happy one (with my new daughter) at the same time. it's exhausting mostly. especially being pulled back and forth. but I can't NOT be happy my daughter is here,you know? some days I'm soo sad and others are btter. it's just a rollercoaster and you will come to know it well. I take comfort in the fact that I KNOW my DH's energy surrounds us. I feel him with us alot. anyway take care of yourself and do something for YOU tonight if you can.

[victoriavega]

cecelia,

first, darling, my heart goes out to you. i understand what it is like to never want to "wake up again". but girl, you've got to keep pushing. it will get better. i promise you that. i know because i lost my husband years ago. it was devastating, and at first i didn't have message boards like this to reach out or be reached out to. for i too could NOT sapek to anyone in person. just stay strong for you and your kids.

i also went to that www.MessagesOf.com. what a beautiful place. thank you for sharing that. i read your - message of memory - as they're called. it was touching. i think i may create something for my husband there.

you take care, sweetie. hang in their and just believe in yourself.

[njgirl361]

APRILMOONFLOWER.........Thanks for ur response. It's Saturday afternoon and I'm feeling a overwhelming sadnesss...missing Mark horribly. It finally stopped raining up here in New Jersey, but the sun doesn't seem to take the gloom away. My mother and her friend are here sorting through the baby clothes and trying to organize everything for his arrival. It's so hard for me to even look at the little prescious clothes cause it just reminds me of how he'll never see his father. I know what you said that we should count our blessings....but I just want my life to be the same as it was 2 weeks ago this time today. I know I was talking to him on the phone around this time....and by 4:55 he was gone. I still can't believe it. I hope ur having a better day. I look forward to your response. Michele

[lauraa]

NJGIRL,

Someone said to me just yesterday that "everyone" just wants for me to move on...it had to do with a Christmas office party. Mind you I only just started working there and only 1 day/week. I was honest and said I would not be going as it would be to painful for me being the only single person and the rest married couples. I said it takes to much energy for me to muster energy up to just get thru anything like that and then I would crash and burn....I told her that I only know 2 things for sure...1.) I do know my husband wouldn't want me to be sad but I also know if the table were turned he would have been just as devastated as I am but when I get really, really down when I think of him being sad that I am sad I come out of it somewhat and 2.)I know positively that he would want me to take really, really good care of our kids that he adored. I told my co-worked that I have to conserve my energy to do that....It is that simple. I don't care what others think and only I know what I need to do to get thru this. How can anyone who hasn't experienced the loss of their "soulmate" tell us to move on...the truth is we are "moving on". We get out of bed everyday, etc, etc, etc....need I say more. It is a process that we all "have" to go thru and it can only be our way. I think we all need to ask for help and accept help to get thru it.....One of the harsh realities of it all though is that most people disappear afterwards and we are fending for ourselves.....We are all here to help raise and support one another here and it is o.k. to say exactly how you feel at any given time. Yes, you were left with a baby (a gift) but I sure it doesn't make things any easier for you only probally more difficult but with time and support things will get better...it's important to keep talking to all of us. I will keep you in my heart and prayers! I lost most husband 17 months tomorrow and it still seems like it was yesterday...but, I know he is still with me...I feel him!

[njgirl361]

Laurra.....Thank you for your words....Can I ask you something? How old are your children? And please be honest with me...you say you feel like you lostyour husband yesterday...even though it was 17 months ago. Are you saying the pain is just as fresh? Does it ever lessen? I don't expect to ever stop missing him..but I pray that this piercing pain through my heart will somehow ease up. How can we live with this heartache every minute of everyday......it scares me to death. I've lost loved ones before...grandparents who were older and sick and ready to go........But this seems so unfair...a 40 year old man who was loved by me and my children and starting the next chapter of his life with us and his unborn child. I pray for you too....and hope that your life has some joy in it.....even if its for a couple of minutes a day....I know the few times I feel a little relief...I embrace it...cause I know what's yet to come. I look forward to hearing from you again...Have a good nite....Michele

[lauraa]

NJGIRL,

I lost my dad, my mom and my husband all within 6 months of each other. I felt like I was broadsided and I was. I can honestly say I have been grieving so deeply for my husband over the last 17 months that I haven't even touched upon my grief for my parents. I think for you, me and everyone else here who has lost their "soulmates" that truely we will never get over it and it will take along time to feel any better. In the beginning I told myself that I was the only one that could do it for me. No-one can fix this or tell me what to do or how to feel so I knew I needed to be very thorough with my grieving...which meant that I had to honest every feeling that I had at any given moment. That meant alot of tears (buckets). That meant locking myself in the bathroom and crying my heart out while soaking in the tub. Crying hystericly whenever I was/am driving somewhere alone. Walking a crying! Songs, memories....I have to look at everthing as it comes. You will find times of solace as I think our psychics do protect us because there is only so much we can handle at once. You will get to a point where sleep will become a priority for you for a couple reasons, 1.)your flat out exhausted and 2.)just to escape the reality and 3.)you will realize you need to take care of yourself to be able to move ahead and take care of your family.

When my husband "passed" our daughter was just 11, our middle son was 14 and our oldest was just turning 19. They are unbelievable creatures and are doing an unbelievable job coping with the loss of their hero....but, I worry because we talk about their dad but they won't cry with me and show the emotions that they are covering up. My therapist says we will just keep an eye on them as it is to painful for them to speak about right now, so I tell her if I have worries about them and she gives me thoughts and sugestions. How many kids do you have? I can only imagine how you are feeling right now expecting a child soon and how alone your are feeling. I am truely so sorry. I hope it helps you to talk to me and others here about that. Please get as much help lined up now for help because you know how crazy a household can get after a new baby comes home....let people help you but you need to direct them so you still have control and their presence doesn't do the opposite of what it's purpose is and that is for you to get support and rest and keep your home going as smoothly as expected....Do you have family that can support you or friends? Keep in touch.

[njgirl361]

Lauraa...........I do have a lot of family and friends to help me when the baby arrives...THANK GOD. My boys are 13, 10 and 7....and they can't wait for their brother to come home. My little one talks about Mark all the time...which I know is a healthy thing. My older one (who was extremely close with him) doesn't say anything or show any emotion...like your children I think it just hurts so bad. I do cry in front of them when I need to...my middle and younger son come over to me and try to console me. I don't want to hide my emotions with them...they need to see that this is part of the grieving process..ughh!!!! I am so sick of that pharase.."grieving process"!

Missing Mark is only half my battle...I am so scared of having this baby by myself...even though my sister is coming into labor and delivery with me...and she has already offered to take the baby overnights on Saturdays to give me a night of sleep. My mother and aunts are also close by to help...I just hope when I look at my baby (by the way his name will be "Jake Andrew") that i can feel some happiness....we'll see in time...I guess.

I am so sorry for you to have to go through losing three loved ones in such a short period of time...You sound strong though...do you go out at all? Do you have any companions in your life to share time with? I am assuming you were married for a long time since your children are older....it must be that much harder to have so many years of memories....but count your blessings...I only had Mark for a short time......I wish it could've been longer. I appreciate you talking to me...it does help.....Have a great day....the sun is shining here.....maybe that will lift our spirits somewhat....Do you live in the New York area? I think I mentioned I'm in New Jersey. I'll talk to you soon. Bye for now.

[jlizzy]

Michele,

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you didnt get flowed out with all the rain

last week.This is the hardest thing to go through and I

completely understand how you feel, as we all do. I envy everyone here

whose children are younger because it is easier to go on when someone

relies on you. My chidren are older, our youngest son turned 30 in

September. That was a hard day for me because my husband watched all the

others turn 30 but not our youngest son who was the closest to him.

When my husband passed away (we were all with him as he died at home

with cancer) our youngest son actually thought that the world had come

to an end and none of us would wake up the next day. It took months for

him to be able to talk to me and I respected that because I knew his loss

was as bad as mine. For his dad was his confidant and who he turned to

for help, his dad worked on his habitat house with him, they worked on

his antique car together. Our other sons were close with their Dad,and

dont get me wrong, they suffered too, But they could talk about it sooner.

Our youngest son is dyslexic and needed more all his life than the others.

He had to fight for everything and my husband was always there to guide

him.

To talk about your loved one, to me is the best therapy. I know that I

will not let any of my grandchildren forget their PopPop. They are his

legacy.

Laura,

I have not seen any of my sons cry and it has been 15 1/2 months.

dont worry about your kids, they are handling their loss as you are.

It isnt easy for them, but they will come around. My counselor said it

was a really big step when my boys started talking about their Dad.

All we can do is be there for them, love and take care of them, and

help keep our loved ones memory alive. She also told me that kids have

a way of trying to be strong for us because they realize that we have

lost our partner and it is really hard.

As far as the question that eveyone is asking, "Will it get easier?"

I have found that although I think of and miss my husband every day,

some days are easier while other days are harder. It all depends on

what happens around me: a certain smell, a song, a place can start

the tears. I dont expect that to stop any time soon. I do know that

my anxiety attacks have gotten fewer which means I am taking less pills.

I had 34 years with my husband and I can remember everything, even though

sometimes Icant remember what I did yesterday. I am finding that these

memories are making me feel better. And I watch for signs that he is still

with me. The signs are there if you look for them. Like, last Sunday I

went to our youngest sons to watch his 5 kids and 1 foster child. My

3 year old grandaughter has a Snoopy dog that says things, this dog hasnt

worked for 1 1/2 years, nobody can get it to say anything. So they took

the batteries out. On and off they have been telling me that this Snoopy

has said, "Do you need a hug?". I hadnt heard it till sunday. It went off

while my grandaughters were playing on the computer, It said, "Do you need

a hug?" and my one grandaughter said, "It's PopPop, I love you." then

after we went to bed, it went off 3 more times: the first time, it said,

"I need a hug" the second tme,it said, "Do you need a hug?" and the

last time it said, "I love you". Over the past months, I have had other

signs from him. He told me he would do whatever he could to help me

and he has.

I take one day at a time and some days I take one hour at a time.

All in all, I know that my husband wouldnt want me to be unhappy and

I feel that I will never be myself again and that's true. The grief

counselor said once that we have to put our loved one in the back of

our memory and I dont ever plan to do that.

We all will grieve differently even though are pain is the same.

So hang in there and dont let anyone try to rush you through your

grieving.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[aprilmoonflower]

Joyce you are so lucky to have had so many years with your DH.

Some days I fel strong and some days I feel like I am about to fall apart. it's sooo hard to parent two little ones alone. I'm not sure if time will make things better or worse but I do know I have to hold it together for my kids. I feel SO alone though. I have a little family nearby (his) but they don't help all that much and I hate asking for help or depending on others. just a simple task as grocery shopping is a nightmare now.

I am saddest about my kids not remembering him. ds is 19months and seems to remember his Dada (he asks for him or points to pictures and says "Dada")but I can tell his memory is fading already. he is clearly confused at times. I am writing in a journal stories and about their Dad so they can read it later and know him like I did just a little bit.

I feel my DH energy in the oddest places too. the other night I was out in the garden and was watching a dragonfly trapped in our birds of paradise plant. I could feel DH energy and thought that's how he must have felt during those last months of his life. I feel so guilty though as I just never knew.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

This is the hardest journey any of us will go thru. I don't think any of us will ever be able to know the answers to all the why's. I am still shocked myself after 3 years of caregiving and 17 months of grieving my husbands loss. "We grieve as deeply as we loved"....that is the only way I can sum things up here. We all have had different experiences with our loved ones and different lengths of time we spent together. I met my husband when we were 14 and we were together ever since. We grew stronger and stronger together with each passing year. My therapist told me the odds were against us to make it being so young when we met. We were married 28 years together. I would not have ever traded one moment of it. Now, I am alone without him scratching my head and feeling like I just had the tar kicked out of me. It takes time ladies. It is like a rollercoster ride....each day brings new stuff and one never knows what will come our way at any given time. I get really busy with my kids and keeping them afloat and watching them for signs of trouble. I know they do feel sad but are unable to let it out so that in itself is a major concern and worry. Someone told me they took a class and they learned that kids who hold it together for the parent left behind are really well adjusted kids and the parents did a good job raising them. That's all well and good but I still worry and I work overtime taking care of them. I know my husband would want that. I really resent people saying or thinking we should move on after our losses...what the hell are we doing? We are moving on just by doing the day to day things and be trying to find ways to cope without them. It's hard! I am still struggling to just love anything about life again. I struggled last year in preparing for our first X-mas and I decided to have a movie marathon and it was a great thing to do...I really would recommend that...it passed time and we spent family time together...we all decided together to stay home and that was good because it just eliminated any extra stress....Everyone is different and that just worked for us.....I do think we all have to prepare for it so it is not a disaster. I hope you all take really good care of yourselves and know your guys wouldn't want you to be sad. Cry if you must and for as long as you need to.....do it your way!

[njgirl361]

Wow..I woke up this morning and almost felt human...but as the day is progressing I feel myself drowning in sorrow....realizing my Mark will never come home. It haunts me that he made it to the hospital alive and in the emergency room he went into cardiac arrest and there was nothing they could do. All the modern medicine and technology could not keep him alive at 40 years old. I know I'm not the only one grieving for him but it seems that it has hit me the hardest....as I lived with him and am carrying his baby. His poor 17 year old daughter is devasted by her loss as well..they were very close and had a great "friendship"....pray for me today as it feels like it's going to be a rough one...God Bless all of you too....although we don't know eachother we all are connected by this horrible grief in our lives.

[jlizzy]

Hi All,

We all have different stories but our feelings are the same. It doesnt

matter how long we had with our spouses, our love was strong.

I was married twice; I knew my first husband since we were in 3rd grade

together. That marriage lasted 3 years, it just wasnt meant to be. I met

my husband, Bob, in 1970. I knew when I saw him that he was it. Although

I tried to talk myself out of it because he was 5 years younger that I.

But there was no way out, he was the one for me and I knew it. We had

out ups and downs like other married couples; but we always survived.

We even survived an affair he had a few years before he passed away.

we have two sons together, one 31 and the other 30. From these two sons,

we have 7 grandchildren. Then he had two sons from a previous marriage;

one is 34 and the other 33; they gave us two grandchildren. and then I

have one son from my first marriage; he gave us two grandchildren.

My husband left a legacy of granchildren to carry on his name. As a matter

of fact, one of our grandaughters says she will never give up PopPops last

name even when she gets older and gets married.

I live for our grandchildren now. I have to force myself out of bed in

the morning and I still have trouble sleeping most nights. But I go on.

Mainly because it isnt my time to join my husband yet. My grandchildren

know how hard this has been on me, they still ask when I will be normal

again. I cant answer them because I dont know.

As far as our sons, they are still in pain-- I can see it in their eyes.

But we are adjusting, the best we can. That's all any of us can do.

I keep all of you and yours in my prayers. I know that somehow we will

all be as okay as we can.

God Bless

Joyce

[pamik1967]

I was the caretaker for my husband for 2 years and 9 months. He has been gone for 3 months now. It was 3 months ago today, acutally, that we buried his ashes. For the most part, I'm doing ok. Songs that play on the radio are frequently reasons to cry. Or hugs, strange as it may seem. One of my former patients came to see us today and gave me a hug and I started to cry. Granted, I was having a bad day, hadn't had much sleep, and was fussing with another patient, whom I don't really like all that well. I miss the touching, the talking, the holding, the body next to me in bed. I reach out at night in my sleep and all I feel are either blankets, my dog or one of my cats. Part of it is just plain lonliness. I go to work, sometimes see a couple that we associated with but for the most part, I am by myself. For the first time in 15 years. I kind of like it but.... I had also gone through some more of my husband's belongings this weekend....bringing up memories. Thanks for giving me a place to talk....and share my feelings.

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele, hope you had a better day today. some days I have so much energy and trying to be the best mom I can then other days I am just zapped. (like today) I did get a nap though so that helps a bit.

ugh,. I know what you mean about songs on the radio. yesterday I was driving my the mortuary where DH body was handled and the Eric Clapton song "Cocaine" came on. I haven't heard it in years and it was just sick. then today I went to the post office and as soon as I turned the car on there it was playing yet AGAIN.

I am missing him so much the last few days. it's hard to accept I'll never see him again or hold him in my arms.

[nancy55]

Hello everyone. I haven't been on this site for a month or so. It hurts me to read all the new people going through this horrible experience. It has been 4 months since my husband died. I feel so empty. I can't imagine still feeling like this years to come. But, there is nothing I can do. I am the only one that can do this for me. No one else. I have to experience this myself. It is so exhausting. Everyday is so hard to get through. But we do it. We have no other choice. I have traveled 2x since his death. It is just not the same as going with him. But, what can I do?? I am constantly seeking....for what I don't know?

Nothing will ever be the same again. I miss him so much. I know he is in a better place and at peace. He was so very ill his last 2 months. He was on a morphine pump for pain his last 2 weeks of life. He had lung cancer....and that is no way to live. But I miss him. And I want to be with him. I only pray this gets better. This pain I feel in my heart is unbearable. I know I have to get up everyday..but I don't want to. I know I have a life ahead of me..without him...but I don't see how it can be enjoyable. I don't enjoy much of anything now...but I do go through the motions. I feel everyone's pain as they describe it on this site. I pray for us all. I wish all of you comfort and peace. Nancy55

[jlizzy]

Here I am, 6:40 AM and I cant sleep.

My husband got really bad in December, 2003.I started really taking care

of him in January,2004 and he passed away June 27,2004. I am grateful

that he wasnt in pain for more than a year. I am grateful that he is

out of pain. But my heart aches for what we are missing together.

I too go through the motions of every day living, but I cant find my

place anymore. 34 years with one man, the man who was and will always

be my soulmate. Where do I go from here?? I dont know. Almost

16 months now and I am still lost. My counselor says that part of my

problem is that I am stuck living with my son and his family: a

daughter-in-law that I dont get along with; one that I dont trust;

one that wouldnt have me here if I werent her husbands mother.

I have too much stress here, seeing and hearing things that I, as

a mother, shouldnt be hearing or seeing. Keeping my mouth shut

because I have to live here, I have nowhere to go yet.

WEll, I guess that I will keep taking one day at a time until I can

get my own place and put my husbands things around me again.

Maybe today will be a better day.

Joyce

[aprilmoonflower]

Joyce,

I'm so sorry about your living situation. I know it's hard but just try to think how good things will be when you can finally move out. (easier said than done I know)

Today was an ok day. haven't gotten much done but I did work in the garden a bit so that helps a little.

Michele,

How are you doing? I haven't seen you post much in the last few days. when is your baby due btw? soon, right? Hope you are ok.

[njgirl361]

Aprilmoonflower..Hi....I haven't been on...I don't know why...sometimes this site helps..other times I feel like I'm reading other people's post and there is no hope.....maybe I'm dillusional....I want to hear that things are going to get easier...that life doesn't have to feel full of this pain...but it seems like it doesn't from other's experiences.

The past two days have been a tiny bit more tolerable...I don't know why...maybe the shock of Mark's death has finally worn off and turned into the reality that he is not coming back and that I have to go on for my kids and try to be stronger....the other night I cried so hard...for about an hour...and since that breakdown I feel like I can breathe again. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of him but I realize he is trying to help me get some strength.

His mother came today and we went out to lunch and to Babies R' Us. She bought the baby a crib and all the bedding to go along with it. It was so nice of her..but the truth is it was sad for me because his "dad" couldn't be there with us and enjoy the excitement of his baby coming so soon. I'm due in 6 weeks..and I am praying this baby brings me a sense of joy that at the moment doesn't seem likely. I can't wait to see him and hold him....I think he may change things for me and my 3 other boys.

How have you been feeling? I hope a little better...write back when you can....Michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele,

I am feeling ok today. mainly numb most days. I don't cry everyday like I used to. sometimes I even feel guilty because maybe I don't feel sad enough but then it hits hard other days. I just feel like I have no choice most of the time but to go on living.

Your babe IS going to bring you so much joy I know it. but you will also feel the pain too. it's such a weird feeling I tell you! sometimes I feel almost guilty for being happy with my little baby, but then sometimes I also feel guilty when I'm sad/depressed about DH. like I'm robbing DD of this happy time. It's so hard to explain really, but it's like I'm constatntly pulled in 2 directions. I really don't know what I'd do without her though! she definitly gives me strength to go on each day (as does DS). I have no advice on when things won't feel so raw but I know my children have helped me accept & come to terms with DH death in a big way. I am nursing the baby and I tell you that has been the BEST thing in the world. it keeps me grounded in a way nothing else does. Anyway I hope you are doing ok (as well as you can anyway!) just remember you only have to live each day minute by minute. Talk to you soon! Love~April

[ritarevis]

It has been almost two months now since I lost Ed. Some days I feel ok for a few hours out of the day but I still keep from crying frequently no matter where I am. My six yr. old gives me hugs alot and pats my back softly if he sees I have been crying. He helps me but sitll nothing touches the pain in my heart. Raine (my 6yr old son) told me one day that he missed Ed and said "I can see him in my head, right in front of my face". I desperately wanted to see exactly what he saw. I know someday this HAS to get a little easier. We all need to find a little happiness in the days ahead, even though I can't see it yet. I just want to quit HURTING!!!

[njgirl361]

Ritarevis...........I'm sorry ur feeling this pain. I think that's all of our "common ground" here. I honestly wish I never had to find this website...who would've thought? How did you lose Ed? Is the six year old his son? It's only been 3 weeks since I've lost my fiance' and I am preganant with his son and due in 6 weeks. This morning I had a doctor appointment and my mother came with me...but it was toturing going through the motions knowing his dad is gone. I guess we've all been lucky to not have to experience this pain in our lives sooner than we had to....even though it still seems so unfair...I'm sure I'm not the only one here saying "why me???" I miss him so much it hurts so badly......I am trying to be the best mom I can be for my 3 boys and unborn child. Please take care of yourself and hold on to any moments of feeling somewhat OK.....it happens .....but not frequently enough....I will talk to you again.......Michele

[kittykat]

I am so very very sorry. My heaat breaks for you at this time. Visit www.BelovedHearts.com Itis a virtual interactive home for your departed Loved One.

Meet others who are grieving the loss of a loved one.You are not alone.Please visit. You will find comfort God Bless you. God will kkeep you in his care

[jlizzy]

Michele and Everyone,

I dont know if I can give you any hope of things getting better, but I am

going to try.

It will be 16 months next week. I was crying all the time in the beginning

but now I cry much less. But when I cry, I really cry. A month after

Bob passed away, I went to Grief Counselling. the counselor had lost her

first husband and was remarried. She told the group that we would get to

the point where are spouses would be just a memory and I didnt want to

go back, but I did. I went for 6 weeks and didnt feel any better. I stopped

when she said that I wasnt putting Bob in the back of my mind where my

memory is stored. I told her this is my grief and I am going to handle it

my way.

I am finding that it is getting easier, and I have had my times when I

think that I am not grieving enough for my loss of him. I still cry and

I still have trouble when I go into certain stores; I keep looking for

Bob and I find myself talking to him. But all in all, I have to tell

you that it does seem to be getting somewhat easier in that I am not

crying all the time and I do have good days. Not that I dont have my

bad days, because I do. I miss him so much that it really hurts and

I think of him and talk to him on a daily basis. I dont feel him with

me all the time, but he gives me a sign every so often to let me know

he is still here with me, just in a different way.

I used to fear death, but now I just look for the day that Bob comes

to get me to take me home to Gods house.

The thing that keeps me going is the fact that he is out of pain and

walking like a man again. He was in a wheelchair and toward the end,

he couldnt walk. I knew just how much that was hurting him. I have

come to the point where I am grateful that he is okay. Someone told

me once, "When a person cries at a funeral, it isnt for the person

who passed--but more for themself:maybe they wanted to do or say something

before the person passed; maybe just because of their loss." I have

been thinking about that a lot lately and I am realizing that I am

crying because I miss Bob but I am grateful that he isnt here suffering.

Before he passed, he had a holistic healer taking care of him. When he

passed, nobody told her he passed away and she came two days after he

passed. She appologized for coming and I explained that it was okay.

We were standing face to face, I was crying. She looked over my

shoulder and said, "Bob is right over your left shoulder. He has a

cowboy hat and boots on and he is dressed in black with a white tie.

He is laughing. He is okay." For awhile, I couldnt figure out why Bob

would be laughing and then it came to me; He had told me that he would

find a way to let me know he was okay. That was his way. I have held

on to that, and always will.

I ask God every night to take care of Bob and to let him come for me

when it is my time.

But, for me, it is getting easier. I saw women at the grief counselling

group that had lost their spouse 2-5 years ago and they are still in

bad shape; crying every day. I will not be like them. I have come to

realize that I am stronger than I thought I was.

On the first anniversary of Bobs passing, I took my sons, daughter-in-laws

and my grandchildren to a place in NJ called Wild West City. It was a

place that Bob wanted to take them. I went as a child, I took our boys

and now my grandchildren have gone. I just didnt want the year mark

to be a gloomy one for all of us, especially the grandchildren, who

range from 3 to 11 yrs old. I just thought of what Bob would have

wanted and I did it. Now I think of what Bob would want for me and

I do it.

I will never be with another man, but many of you are so young yet and

have children. My mother lost my father when I was 3 yrs old and she

remarried and gave me a step father. I know that you are shaking your

head and saying that will never happen for you. And it may not, but

I want you to know that although my mother remarried, she thought

about my Dad all the time; she never let me forget him.

Grieve for whatever time it takes you, because we are all different.

Our circumstances are different; some of us were married, some of us

were planning to get married; some of us have children; some of us

dont; some of us are young and some of us are older, like me. But we

are all going through the same grief, just ride the rollercoaster

and you will be okay at the end of the ride. Some of our rides will

be longer than others, but we are all taking the same ride.

Have faith and God Bless You All

Joyce

Ps; this has been a good day for me, can you tell??

[njgirl361]

Hi everyone...it's been a while since I've posted....not much has changed...my world is feeling lonelier everyday. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have my three wonderful children..but why can't they fill this horrible void? Being pregnant has also put such a strain on my emotional state...the worrying about delivering without Mark...coming home with the baby without him..and of course, raising him alone. My loss is horrible enough...and with all these other worries I feel so hopeless.....I cry everyday for him...or sometimes I wonder if I'm crying for "me"...it's so hard to tell the difference sometimes. I miss his smile, his face...even the annoying habits...if I could just have it all back for a day...I hope you're all feeling somewhat better since I've heard from you....we're all in a similar boat...and sometimes we just have to stop it from sinking...GOD BLESS...Michele

[lauraa]

Dear Michele,

I lost my husband 17 months ago....I feel so much for you and your loss. I would suggest to you to get as much support that you can to help you to prepare for when the new baby comes. Only you know what will help you to do this. Who do you feel closest with? Maybe counseling would help you prepare for those things. I know my therapist helped me tremendously last year to help with suggestion to get thru our first Christmas without him...She encouraged me to do things that ordinarily I wouldn't have done that made all the difference in the world. Plus going to her once a week and making time for me and a safe place to grieve with someone who cared and could help me help greatly. I still cry everyday....and that is o.k. I miss my husband with every fiber of my being. I can still hear his voice and see his face as clear as day...it's as if he is still right here with me. I know you feel the same. No-body could possibly know unless they have been where we are. I honor myself by grieving the way I need to and not the way others think I should. Tonight I went out with 3 girlfriends which I do not do often and one of them said I should go out with everyone I work with (just started the job a month ago and only one day a week)for the Christmas Party. Mind you it is all married couples and then just me in a limo...she said I owed it to my boss because he has done alot for me????????? I don't owe anybody anything....I didn't apply for the job. I told her that and that I couldn't possibly go as it would take up to much of my energy just to get thru the night and then I would crash and burn....she was persistant and then I said if you lost a child or your husband you wouldn't go and have a good time especially at Christmas....that got her. I know what I can do and what I can't. Cry if you must as you have alot to cry about but do try and get as much support as you can to help you get thru this extremely emotional time. Keep writing to us here as we all know as we have been there, too. I will keep you in my prayers. I don't know why these terrible things have to happen and I guess that is a huge part of our grieving.......Keep writing!

Joyce, I hope everyday you are feeling stronger and stronger...keep fighting for your S/S so you can get out on your own.

[jlizzy]

HI Michele,

I know how you feel. I miss Bob every day and I, too, even miss his bad

habits. But I know that he is much better off than I am right now.

Yesterday was 16 months. I wasnt as bad as I was in the beginning. I

listened to the oldies station; cried with certain songs and laughed at

others. I picture Bobs smile, his georgeous eyes, his hugs/kisses and

even his strange sense of humor.

Halloween was always a big thing for him. Every year he would go all out

and dress like a female(what a female he made) His legs looked better

than mine. He was a cook and he went dressed up in high heels no less

and worked 8 1/2 hours in them. I couldnt even do that job in heels.

In his way, he was a great man.

But Laura is right, have someone close to you be there when the baby is

born and help you afterwards. This will be important for you. I know how

hard this is on you, but you will get through it. It wont be the same as

if he was there with you, but remember that he will be there in spirit.

He hasnt left you entirely.

We all have different situations and we will go through our grief

differently. But we are all here for you, remember that.

Laura,

I have my appeal on November 9th and I am praying that they give me

my disability.

It sounds as though you are getting through your grief as best you can.

The 16th month wasnt as hard as I thought it would be, with halloween

and all; but I made it through. I went out by Bobs 1961 Buick exactly

at 9:30 PM, the time he passed and I talked to him about the Christmas

I gave him that car. It was the first time I really saw him cry, tears

of joy. For he had expected a car, but not an antique one. It was

the best Christmas he had ever had, that's what he said to me. For he

was abused as a child and when I met him, he didnt believe in Christmas

or any other holiday for that matter.

I guess that is what I like most about this site, you all listen to me

talk about Bob and I can say whats on my mind and you are all there.

Thank you everyone,

God Bless

Joyce