Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Karen....we are all in the same book...

  just on different pages.....

and it may 'look' and 'sound' like many are getting on with their lives....I think it is just that they have learned to balance the burden of grief....they have learned to 'carry it forward'....for 'life goes on..it does not go backward'.....and so many wish we could go backward...

   many can wave to us....they are farther along the grief path....but all must find their own path...

and many will say they learned to smile and have laughter...that is Grace...and it gives me 'hope'....

I am not there ..yet....but I am moving forward..slow..slow..slow....

  I know now...for sure...I will not have the answers to the questions that I have asked...

   I will not ever find a reason that I have searched for...

  I will not ever be the same person as 'before'...

 

I am learning to have different priorities...

  I am learning to see with 'eyes' in a different way..

I have a layer of empathy that I never had before..

  I have a vulnerable spot that is so very deep..

I have a 'fear' that something like this can happen again...

  I do not take anything for granted...

I am grateful for my blessings I do have..

  I am in awe of the tiniest ..tiny flower...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

What Shauna wrote is a beautiful tribute to the kind of man that your Brooks is and we know, like father like son. The ways you honor Brooks shows such a loving connection. I can relate to what you wrote about staying positive. I try to do that too, as much as possible.

I have times that I have to just let myself yell, scream, cry… but then I have to pull myself up and do something good to honor my girl, to honor myself, and my family here… otherwise, I know, it would be a downward spiral. I’m afraid of going so far down that I won’t be able to pull myself back up. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else. It’s just how I feel. Like, my mind, my soul can only take so much at a time.

Ms Mom and Debbie, I agree so much. It’s so important to have this place to share without judgment… without people who, despite the best intentions, say things that are of no help to us and just hurt.

Ms Mom,

Sometimes all I can do is read. I’m just in that place at times. That’s okay. It’s also fine to share anything you want with us as a group and not worry about responding individually. Sometimes the energy is just not there and we all get that.

Becky,

I’m so glad that you got to see first hand that a difference has been made. You are a fighter for sure and have been such an inspiration to me. I keep praying for you to feel stronger each day with your health issues.

Kate, I’m sending prayers for good results on Ross’s tests. This does seem to be the never ending winter but slowly I am seeing signs of spring. I’m torn about that. I’m ready for sun, to be outdoors, I’m also dreading the changing of the seasons, the summer without my Summer Solstice Girl, the passing of one year.

Karen,

"These past few weeks have been so difficult. I'm missing him more than ever. Every time I look in his room it just breaks my heart knowing that I will never again knock on his door and ask to go in. Never again will I feel his hugs or get a kiss good bye.” “So many firsts to get through. Then it's on to the second."

I know this feeling. I still open Trista’s door every night and say good night to her. I just have to. I can’t just walk past.

Ted,

I’m glad Nick’s friends gathered for his birthday and that it helped you get through. I keep you and Nick in my thoughts. This is all so hard.

Susan,

What you wrote to Karen… beautiful and perfect.

I wanted to ask, for those who have passed that first year, just to share some experiences if you want to. I just am an anxious person anyway and already I am feeling this lead up to the fact that Trista will have been gone one year in just a couple of months. I don’t know if it’s the changing of the seasons… Spring will lead to Summer… My first Mother’s Day without her will be coming too. Summer was Trista’s season in so many ways. It was her favorite… She was always mad that I didn’t name her Summer when she was little (or Star). It’s her birthday on the Solstice and so we always made a big deal of that and then with my birthday at the beginning of July… it was just an ongoing time of celebration for us. It was our season… Trista’s and mine. I’m realizing how in shock I was at her 18th birthday being just 20 days after her accident and now I have her first Angelversary so shortly followed by her 19th birthday. I just don’t know. What I should do? What I should expect? I feel myself withdrawing a bit (cocooning). Did others experience that in the time leading up to that first year mark? I know we each will have our own experiences on this journey and will handle things differently. I just thought it might help to read how others felt during this time and how they got through.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hebrews 13:2. 'Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for by doing so some have
unwittingly entertained angels.'

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....will give you my 'thoughts' later....

 

Laurie...how is Christina...? thinking of you and yours....how hard it is to see our children have such pain....and we have pain...the same kind....and if we can't 'fix' us....how do we 'fix' them...??

[shorty16]

Trista's Mom

The days or weeks leading up to a special day or holiday are usually filled with anxiety. We are waiting for the ceiling to fall down on us.

You are at such a difficult time. Unbelievable our babies are gone from this physical world, but will never really leave us.

Yes, I have experienced anxiety prior to special day. Please be kind to yourself and your family. Do whatever you and your fam wants.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, we kept the first anniversary thing very low key. I had pre-ordered a special floral arrangement for Jesse, helium balloons, and we went out in the morning and said a special prayer over his site and I think we read the 23rd Psalm.

 

I do not remember much of the rest of the day other than just coming home and having everyone rest...I think my husband went to Jesse's place and cried...

 

We also prepared some food the day ahead, just so there was no cooking that day...

 

********************************************************************

 

Thanks Susan for sharing that verse...

 

I have been reading this book by a mom who lost her 4 year old son from drowning. She is originally from Cuba and she is Catholic.

 

What I found very interesting how she interpreted the supernatural signs/events surrounding her son's death and others - she talks about foretelling dreams, OBE's (one was very detailed that her cousin shared) and other supernatural occurences in the book.

 

I am not sure if it is the difference in culture or being in a different area of the world that she refers to these types of events so naturally -- as her family does as well....Her father was a physician in Cuba and her Uncle a neurosurgeon...

 

...I look for other  perspectives on what we would term the "supernatural", I am unsure why so many here in the US are so dismissive of such experiences, the events that often naturally occur when one transitions from this place ---  even those of many organized churches are so afraid to discuss end of life supernatural events...It is ironic that so many church attenders and  preachers spend their entire life talking/singing about heaven but cannot handle discussing how the actual process might occur....fear and/or I feel just being closed minded gets in the way...that is what I have come to know...

 

Below is a except from the book, Veronica is the sister of the little boy that died...she had been listening to her mom telling another mom how God is Light...

 

*********************************

 

...As we talked, Veronica  came to me when she heard me saying that God is light. Immediately she remembered the encounter with God that you are about to read. It has not been edited in order to reflect her exact words.

 

One night I woke up to realize there was a bright yet pleasant light behind me. When I turned around to face the hallway next to my room I see a very tall person looking at me. I happened to notice that all his body was covered by a golden light. Although the light was so bright I didn’t feel any warmth like fire. He was wearing a rope from his shoulders to his ankles. He stood there for a moment and I felt frightened because I was only seven and I didn’t know who he was. Then slowly he started walking toward me. I was stood up in my bed and as he walked toward me, I slowly went laying down.

 

When he was close to me he stopped at the edge of my bed. Although he was standing at my feet I could feel that his face was right in front of mine. I couldn’t see his face. All that time that he was standing in front of me I noticed that he was holding a stick. 

 

The stick had a cross in the middle of a circle and all golden. Inside the cross it looked like diamonds. When I asked my mom she had told me that the stick I saw was called the tabernacle and that the golden man was Jesus. The light was very bright but not the kind that you would need to look away. Then, in a blink of an eye he disappeared.

 

Izquierdo, Cecilia (2011-06-29). Signs from Heaven: A Son's Messages from Beyond the Physical Realm (Kindle Locations 364-372).  . Kindle Edition.

 

Jesse and Christina - Our last family vacation

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, Ross and I had the opportunity to go on a cruise many years ago that we experienced an unbelievable happening. We were in good spirits and had enjoyed a lovely evening with friends. At some point afterwards we decided to walk around the deck enjoying the warm ocean breezes. We headed back to our cabin for the night. At some point during the night a very strange occurrence happened. I wakened to see a man standing at the foot of the bed.  Behind him was a blinding light. Pure white and intense. I was scared to death. Afraid to move. I looked for my husband who appeared o be facing the opposite direction facing the wall. I was afraid to reach out for him as I feared what was there. I was I have too admit...a coward. I closed my eyes and just wished for a peaceful ending to whatever this was. I knew it was not of this world. The next day my husband appeared to be very tired. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had wakened during the night t see a man standing at the foot of our bed. That he looked towards me and that I was facing the wall!!! He too was afraid to move. We both witnessed the same thing at the same time,but felt completely alone in this. Whatever we saw was not from this realm. Without a question. Room B 90. Won't mention the liner. We had a few things sent to the dry cleaners.................. The room number would not come out.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie and Colleen,

Thank you. I have felt my anxiety really rising and with PTSD I have a lot of anxiety anyway. It helps to know that it’s ‘normal’ to feel increased anxiety nearing this date.

Some of her friends have talked about wanting to have a type of one year memorial around that time. I think Trista’s birthday will be a better time for me for that. I just know that whole month of June is going to be hard and both dates, Trista’s angel date and her birthday will be close together.

Sometimes I wish we could just take a year off from everything. It seemed to me this year that it was just one holiday or birthday after another. I know that’s probably the same for everyone. I felt like I would just barely ‘recover’ from one and it would be time for another with only a month or two between.

Laurie,

I think the idea of having food prepared ahead is good. I also plan to keep Trista’s angel date just close family. I don’t know what we will do or how yet but just us.

I don’t know why it’s such a hard thing to talk about. These supernatural things to occur and I think they are much more natural than supernatural. I believe there is much more than we can perceive with our five senses. I’m going to look up that book. I’ve had experiences. One that is similar to the book and to what Kate shared. It was shortly after my Grandpa passed away but before my first husband passed. They passed 4 months apart. I was in bed with my husband. We were home alone. He was sound asleep. I was praying. I missed my Grandpa. He was a father to me and the rock of our family. I was just asking for some knowledge that I would be ok… that he was close. I felt a presence. It was a feeling that was really strong. Then I felt someone sit down on the bed beside. I was afraid to look. I didn’t even open my eyes. I just lay there very still and the presence didn’t move. I could actually ‘feel’ someone there and the weight of them pressing down on the bed beside me. I eventually must have fallen asleep. When I woke up and did look no one was there. I have always wished I had looked.

The picture of Jesse and Christina looks like it was taken in a beautiful place.

Susan,

I really like the saying about Mothers and Children today. And the verse you shared too. I’ve met a lot of Earth Angels. Many right here.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wishing all a peaceful evening...

 

Wade, sending prayers for Tiffani and her family...thank you for sharing the stories of Brook and him overcoming those adversities of life....I know you miss him and love him...

 

Karen, it is so hard this walk...we are here for you...

 

Colleen, thanks for the encouragement...and for listening when I called...

 

Here is a prayer I got from a booklet from Holy Hill:

 

Angel of God,

My guardian dear,

To whom His love

Commits me here,

Ever this day (or night)

Be at my side,

To light and guard

To rule and guide

Amen.

 

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Laurie, a very comforting prayer. Our hearts and prayers go out to the families in Washington State that lost their loved ones due to the landslide. Also, my heart aches for the families of Malaysia Flight MH 370.  God grant you peace.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I didn't know about the landslide but was thinking today that there is so much sadness. I don't know if there is more and more of if I am just more aware of it.

Last week a young girl who I babysit as teen passed away in my hometown of a heroin overdose. I knew her family very well. A little while ago a friend contacted me about a friend of hers who just lost her son to the same thing. She wondered if it would be okay to pass my phone number on to her in case she needs someone who has also lost a child as she has no one close to her who has. I told her of course that would be ok. I read an article that says Ohio is one of the worst states in terms of heroin and someone dies of a heroin related death every five hours here. It is heartbreaking. Having members of my own family who have struggled with addiction my heart just breaks.

I'm sending out prayers for the whole universe that we can heal some of this pain and sadness. My heart just hurts.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I don't think there is any more sadness today than experienced in the past. We are just much more fragile to the hurt of others when we undergo a loss such as ours. I feel that because of this we are also more aware of the importance of living each day as fully as we can. Finding the little rays of happiness that slowly work their way back into our lives. Eventually we find in time that we have begun to rebuild that foundation that was shattered. I am slowly and I mean it...slowly working my way back to a form of living again. It has taken me ages to get to this stage. Heck, I have had many people on my heels to speed it up. I no longer care about their opinion. This is my call. Jeff was my son...and until they lose one of theirs... they are not in a position to make suggestions.

 

How are the kids doing? Your Gram? I heard from my SIL today and she mentioned that her tulips and daffodils were slowly coming up. She lives in Dayton. I have planted my begonia bulbs and am anxiously watching their growth. It will be some time before I can actually plant them in the soil.

 

Hang in there. It is going to take time to find your way again. It will happen but it is going to take a ton of patience and perseverance. One day at a time. One step at a time. Post pics when you can. I love to see the kids. Kate

[mikesmomrs]

TED...so very sorry I was not here on Sunday to speak of your son, NICK.  I hope that he surrounded you with his sweet and loving spirit and you felt closer than usual to him.  These days are tough to get through, but as others have said, this is the day to remember the joy, the love, and the wonder that was placed in your arms on that beautiful when he entered your life.  It is very difficult, but we must remember their life more than we think of their death...it can take a long time to get to that point, but we who have walked this path for a long time are here to help you on that journey. 

 

SUSAN, thank you so much for the picture of the sun reflecting the shape of a heart on the sand by the surf...such a beautiful picture.  I love the sea...it sends life back into my heart when I am near it.  I only live 35 miles from our favorite spot on the beach and go as often as I can, but this winter has been a tough one for such as that, though I have managed a few icy visits.  You wrote "I I look around today and see things I have started," things I need to do...things I should do..." etc...This is so familiar to me...only recently have I begun to stir and "do."  Today Mike's youngest (9 yo) was here, and I handed him a framed picture of him and his Papa, playing Legos...one that I had promised him many months ago.  I had put their names in glittery letters at the bottom of the photo.  When he saw it, his little hand flew to his mouth, as he drew in his breath; he held the picture close to him, and his eyes filled, tears threatening.  I told him I was sorry it took so long, but he said it was okay, and that he "loved the picture."  That smile of gratitude and acknowledgement of all the "remembries" (his word spoken a couple of years after his daddy died) of his Papa and he endlessly playing Legos, seemed to come alive, right there between us, and I was so grateful I had finally moved forward enough to put that picture together for him.  But, we have to do things in our own time, whenever that may be.  That is just the way it is, at least for now. 

 

KATE:  Prayers to you and Ross as he goes for the tests to see if he is still clear.  I know the days leading up to such can be heart-rending and stressful.  I am so glad that you are so close to each other...it does make the journey that much lighter when two are carrying it, one for the other.  The story of you and Ross experiencing the same thing while on that cruise brought goose bumps to my skin! 

 

BECKY:  My heart jumped when I saw the picture you posted of the traffic stop set up...that it was right near Jared's sign was no coincidence for sure!  SEVENTEEN!  Wow, that should say something to them, I would think.  I hope you are doing better, and though it may be slow, we rejoice in your progress and pray for more.

 

WADE:  It is easy to see where Brooks got his character and loving nature from...I love to read your words about him and reflections on his life.  That you are again able to "visit" him more often is comforting, I am sure.  The snow here is still too high for me to get into my son Mike's and his dad's site (they are side by side, though Mike's is just a few of his ashes under his stone, as he was cremated).  I never was able to get in to put up the Valentine's balloons for them...they are still in my car, waiting for the path to be safe enough to go down.  They are just small balloons, so they are holding the helium very well.  I just hope I am able to put them up before Easter...as it is, people are likely going to think "WHAT???" when they see them there, weeks, and now over a month, since Valentine's day. Oh, well, we can only do what we can do.  You mentioned those of us who dealt with our child being ill before they died... our son, Mike and his wife, Sarah, came to us and asked if he could do his hospice at our house.  They lived on the second floor and he was no longer safe on the stairs, and Sarah was at work all day.  While it hurt, so very, very much, to see him come closer to the end of his life, it nevertheless was such a privilege for me, as his mother, to be able to care for him and help love him into his eternal home.  We all took part...his wife, two of his best friends, his sister, his dad, myself...he had to have someone with him at all times, and so we took turns...luckily - time wise-- one of his best friends had broken his arm a few weeks before Mike began hospice and was out of work for three months, so he had the time.  His other friend was a pilot, and cut back on his schedule so he could be there when needed.  My husband, Mike's sister and I, all took sporadic days from work, until those last two weeks.  We knew it was soon, and so we all stayed home and were with him all day every day.  The first week was a sweet time for him...he was alert and actually joyous, as many came to visit and essentially show their love, and he did enjoy all the company, as well as all the Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Bean Coolattas that everyone brought...and I do mean everyone.  We kept them in the refrigerator, and he was usually awake most of the wee hours of the morning, and would say "Oh, I wish it was later so I could get a Coolatta."  I would go to the fridge and bring one to him and he would always act surprised..."Now where did you come up with that at this time of night?" he would say, and we would both grin and share the joy of his wish being granted so easily.  The second and final week was hard; so very, very hard.  Each day he drifted further away.  He wanted so very much to be there for his dad's birthday, which was the Thursday of that second week, and on that morning, I walked over to his bed and asked if he knew what day it was.  He smiled and softly said, "Yep, it's dad's birthday."  He was so proud that he had made it to that day.  I left the house to go and get his dad's birthday cake, and when I returned, Mike had lost his voice.  It was almost as if he didn't really know it though, as he didn't seem at all upset about it.  When it came time to sing happy birthday to his dad, we all gathered around Mike's bed so we could all do it together.  Mike mouthed the words to it, and when it was done, he held his thumb up and looked at his dad with a big smile on his face.  He went to sleep shortly after, but managed a few small bites of cake first.  His time after that was spent drifting in and out of sleep, not truly conscious when he was awake, but we knew he could hear us.  The two friends who were helping us, sat by his bed, reading from the Bible.  Even though Mike seemed totally not conscious, every now and then, they would read something, and he would turn his head toward them, eyes still closed, and smile and nod, as in agreement with what was being read.   He left us two days later. 

 

CHERRY, so very glad to hear that you went to the ceremony for your beautiful Kylie at school...I can understand that it must have been very hard, but yet I am sure she was right there, watching and so proud that you came. 

 

SHANNON:  Yes, these "firsts" can be so very hard...but we are here, with you, all the way.  Your beautiful Trista will also be with you...as she is every day.  I hope that Aiden is looking forward to more time outdoors...I can't recall where you are from, but I hope that the spring weather comes to your neck of the woods soon and the outdoor play that you have spoken of in the past can resume.  We've not had much warmth here...last night it was 1 degree (F) but tonight it is supposed to have a warm spell, all the way up to 6 degrees F! 

 

LAURIE:  Prayers and good thoughts going out for Christina.  Thinking of you. 

 

DEE:  So glad to know your are "winging it" for this spring break.  I know how hard you work every day and you deserve to "lay low" and rejuvenate your sweet, remarkable spirit.  I know you enjoyed your day in the city with the two children; I've read of your adventures from years previous and I know the children will hold the memories close for a very long time, and likely, forever. 

 

COLLEEN:  So very nice to see your input...I know that those new here benefit from it greatly...you have learned so much and come so very far and should be very proud of yourself.  I would imagine that Brian is beaming over your accomplishments. 

 

KAREN:  So very sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Geoff.  I read of your "last thought at night of him and first thought in the morning."  This is so normal for what you are going through.  Yes, over time, the edges are not so sharp, but that "time" period is different for everyone....eight years (unbelievably) for our son, Mike,. this October, and two years this August for my husband... I sleep with my cell phone on my husband's pillow...saying good night to both of them each night, as their picture is on my screensaver, and good morning every morning.  Whatever we do is "normal" for us now...a new "normal," never returning to the old one.   

 

Well, I've come on and posted another lengthy post that takes too long to read, but that is how it is when I am able to post...my heart wanting to speak to each of you, and it can take a while...so sorry for the long post...but I feel as if I've had a good visit with good friends...the feelings of sadness softened, the "missing" lessened just a bit by discussion of memories with those who truly understand.  Love to all...as always, in my prayers....

 

[ericasmom]

Ted, I am so glad that Nick's friends joined you for the Birthday...letting you know that Nick is forever in their hearts. He will not be forgotten Ted. Iknow so many of us worry about that, but he is embedded in the hearts of many.

 

Carol, haven't read your message yet, but saw sweet Mike and wanted to say Hi and batten down the hatches as a storm seems to be heading your way. Holding you close.

 

Kate, good good luck with the doctor appointments for your Sweet Husband. Hope all goes well.

 

Laurie, the story you shared from that book is pretty great, thanks so much. I believe as Shannon does and many here, these are the ways we are in touch with that other side, some of us get to see a bit more or are able to. I love Kate's story and when I have more time I will tell one from long long ago.

I hope that your Daughter begins to feel some good forces in her world, that she finds her steps. So hard for folks her age to readjust and adapt to something so agonizing.

 

Becky, RIGHT ON in your seek for justice.

 

Susan, we are ever-evolving aren't we?

 

Sherry, you okay?

What about Sandy?

Gretchen?

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I do hope you get a full week of Rest and Recreation....

  and I do like your '30 for Eri's 30th'......only you can come up with something so original...keep us in the loop of all the plans...

  and so happy you will get an armful and lapful of your Babydoll....those hugs and sugar kisses bring a healing like no pill or bottle of medicine can.....

   here is a recent photo of our 'new little man'...Wyatt John....I created the little table....(I design and hand paint a small table and chair or bench for each of my GRANDchildren)...my son, Jesse, said he was writing his first letter to Nonnie...

[daveydow1]

Hello friends at BI......

I'm so far behind, .......too hard to get caught up. (Have to use the computers at the library again)

 My phone/internet has been down, and out-of-service for a week now, and I haven't been able to

get AT&T to fix the problem.   (They say that it is a job to be done outside my home...not inside).

No help in "Customer Service, and Repairs", after multiple calls. Very frustrating. I'm hoping to get the

service back soon, but so far....nothing.

Am thinking of everyone here, and wishing peace & comfort for all.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....hope all gets restored soon....am sure the weather has a lot to do with repairs being late....

  look on the bright side....

I have always said 'that my blood changes...as soon as I walk into a library'...

  so....you get to visit the library and visit with us.....

[SamDsmom]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I haven't really had a chance to post. I have been reading and will be back later after my day calms down. I have been thinking of everyone.

Not much new on my end. Hurry up and wait. The attorney has all of the releases now and we are just waiting for all the reports to be sent back. It seems like they are dragging their feet. Seems they are waiting until the last minute to turn everything over.

Sam,

"If you had lived to be 100, I would want to be minus one day so I would never have to feel what it is like to live without you." A.A. MILNE, Winnie the Pooh

I love you.

[SamDsmom]

Here are some new pictures. Sam and his sister Keri and him with his friends.

Thanks for being here,

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

Here are some new pictures. Sam and his sister Keri and him with his friends.

Thanks for being here,

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Debbie, lovely photos, treasures in your heart I know. How is your Daughter doing these days?

 

Carol, I remember those stories when you first came here, the love of family and friends surrounding Mike 24/7. The strength in your love is huge.

I am going to the Museum tomorrow with the girls. Should be nicer out too which is great, and as cold as it is, we have been lucky with the sunlight and blue skies.

 

Susan, Husband and I babysat all day with Little Miss Erica and it was a delight, though I was unsure if I would be walking upright today...Wow the energy and joy she is. I went to sleep last night with the day as my blanket, a soft and wonderful wrap around my spirit. Thanks about the 30 for 30, I am starting to get some responses from the Girls.

 

Sherry, what? After all you learned to get going on this new computer you have to travel to write to the Gang. I am sorry, I do hope that someone will settle this soon.

We are seeing deer prints all over our backyard, and the rose of sharon as well as most bushes that flower have been whittled down.

 

Wanda, how are you doing this week?

 

Shannon, sadness about the death due to heroin. I know that I worry all the time about my nephew who is addicted. Many articles lately about how prevalent heroin use is around here. Sad, I think by now when someone tries it for the first time, that they know it is highly addictive. Why go there? Why is it so easy to go there? What are we doing in this country to see so many on this path?

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping in to say I am thinking of everyone and hoping to post more later. Kate  

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends - there is no way for me to catch up on all as it has been quite some time since I have been here  I do think of BI every day and all that are here walking this journey together, the support, the family that grows each day.  So much has been going on between Tavian and school and my hubby beginning a new job - hubby has been hired where I work (the Town of East Hampton) as the Master Electrical Supervisor !! Very exciting - more money, great retirement and great benefits. I have been there for almost 20 years - I work with for Human Services - I take care of the 5 departments that make up Human Services - love my job and I think the best part is being able to mix with all of the elderly who come each day, I become attached to them and they have so much to say.    Tavian is doing great in school but the homework is sometimes a bit much - he can do it with no problem he just doesn't "like" doing it..but we get through it.

I would like to share something with all of you as it is so very special to me - I went to the mail and received a letter from my sister or so I thought - when I got home I sat down and opened it and it was a letter from my dad (he passed in November) that he wrote back in April of 1994 - it was a letter he wrote to my two children Jessica and Bj - they had went to Iowa to spend a month of summer on my dad's farm, I remember what a magical time they had.  This is what my dad wrote:

 

"Dear Jessica and Bj - Grandpa wants you to know that I love you. I don't want you to forget the time you spent with me in the farm. You can think about when we went walking down the lane and Bj you pushed grandpa into the ditch, we laughed. Remember how you wanted to yell through that tunnel under the road. Jessie, you and me and Bj fed the cows and watered the chickens.  Remember when you and Bj went to gather the eggs and you pried one old hen up with a board to see if she had any eggs under her. I will always remember these things and so much more. Every time I look around me I will see two little kids that I love so much running through the fields, helping me with everything I would do. My heart can always sing  a sweet song of memories.  So when in your life you get lonely and think no one loves you take this letter out and read it, you will know there is one who cares. Love you both so much - Grandpa"   I cried for some time thinking how long my dad had held on to this letter and my sister had found it when going through his stuff - it is truly a treasure from heaven and I can not put into words what it means to me.....I wish my Jessica would have got to read it but instead she gets to hear it straight from her grandpa as they sit upon a star.   I am going to frame it.

 

I have been talking on line to a friends sister who lost her son who was 24 - he was on a dragger boat out to sea when something broke loose and hit him in the head this past summer. She tells me that I have helped her so much as she does not know anyone else who has lost a child and no one understands....I have told her about BI but I don't think she is ready yet - right now she is content talking to me but I am praying she will come here one day.  Her sister works with me and every day she says thank you to me....It is wonderful to be able to help someone, to pay it forward for all of you who were there for me.  Never thought I would see the day when I would be able to help someone else through their grief.

 

We are expecting some snow tonight - I am weary of winter but do not wish my time away, spring will be here soon and then my summer days...long beach walks, camping and sunshine....

 

Take care my friends, prayers and hugs to all as I think of your struggles each day...Jessica's mom always, Kathy

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Gosh Kathy....well...gosh....

it took the breath away from me for awhile to read that...more than amazing...a blessing...a message...words are written to be told...again and again....when written....(I was told)....can not ever be erased...(they can..but not in memory)....

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Kate...for you...am thinking about you and Ross....the appts. that are scheduled in the days ahead....

am pulling for you...

am hoping you will keep that 'forward motion' persona...with you...

we are here for you...

and your own cheering section....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, I agree with Susan, sending prayers as the medical appts come up.

 

Carol, your story of the last days with your son Mike spoke to my heart...I thank you for sharing those words, sharing your love for your son and there is great sadness but also wisdom in your words....I thought of those friends who took the time to share his last weeks...that is truly the heart of brotherly love...hoping for better weather for you soon, I too want to get out to the cemetery unhindered by snow and ice...

 

Kathy, that is such a precious letter...that is so wonderful that your sister shared it with you...it struck me as I read the words, the true treasures in life are in the simple pleasures...sharing moments with those we love, just doing the ordinary...

 

Debbie, thank you for sharing the new pictures of Sam...this is a hard time to be in for you...the hurry up and wait, the wondering...know because that is where we are stuck too...

 

Susan, loved the desk with your grandson...you are very talented....how is your daughter doing after her FIL funeral...

 

Dee, wishing you a wonderful day tomorrow at your field trip...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Laurie, I will have fun tomorrow with the girls. It is always a treat to hang out with kids outside the school day in a place so wonderful.

 

Kathy, that letter from your Dad is truly a gift from beyond. How wonderful a man he is to have written such pretty words to express his feelings of his time with Jess and BJ. My goodness, lovely. Yes, make a copy for BJ and frame the original. How nice that your Sister thought to send that piece of love to you.

 

Susan that little Grandboy of yours is GORGEOUS! He has a full adult head of hair, the opposite of my Grandgirl, but pretty as can be nevertheless. Wow, so cute your Boy and the table and chairs are sweet as can be.

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....it touched my heart that you would share those 'last days' with your boy....and what a bond he had with you and his Dad....that he would want to be at your home....for those 'last days'....we know your words you shared can never convey the absolute deep sadness...heartache...you had to endure with him slipping away...time running out with every tick tock of the clock....but the love and support surrounding him was the foundation you could stand on to stand up to the situation...and get through it....thank you, Carol....that is the first time I heard your story....I feel honored that you could share it with me and all on this site....Blessings to you...

 

Debbie....love those photos of your SONshine boy...and yes....many will relate to your 'hurry up and wait' vigil....have you talked to any more of the people that were there that night with your boy ? How is your daughter doing ? Keep us in the loop.

Many on this site know the trials and tribulations of an ongoing investigation....so....if you hit a 'rough spot'....there are hands that will pull you up.

 

Laurie....Randa and the kids got in yesterday...they had a non-stop flight that got them in earlier than what they thought...and George stayed to be with his Mom for a few more days....as everyone knows....the 'hard work' that comes 'after' the funeral....she is worn out....but she will recover with some rest....she said all went beautiful.

 

Dee...I can so relate to 'babysitting'....and what I noticed when I had that first GRANDchild...Austin...then soon after our son, Jason and his wife had identical twin boys...Josh and Alex..that when I had them...I was a little more 'vigilant'...and little 'hyper' and a little more 'hands on'.....for that 'what if something happens' seemed to be a theme going through my mind. When Randa and George were moving to Brenham...they left Austin and the twins, Taylor and Hunter Bear with me...I lived in Sugar Land at that time....and I also had Josh and Alex....so there I was....2 sets of twins and Austin...my saving grace was Jeremy was in the 8th grade and lots of help....and we had those baby inner tubes and floaties...and we would let them spend lots of energy swimming...Grampa was a big help, too...John David came on that week-end and he did all the cooking...then take them all to the lake to feed the ducks. I was exhausted by 6 each afternoon....

  Wyatt has 'John David hair'....I have photos of him with his hair cut like that....Jesse's hair is curly...in fact...if it gets long enough it is in ringlets...Austin and Taylor have that kind of hair, too....we have always tried to figure out what ancestor had that kind of curly-curly hair.

 

Kate....I meant to mention how scared I would be if I saw someone at the foot of my bed in bright lights....geez....I would probably have a chinese baby...

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....it is heartbreaking to hear and read about the overdosing deaths....

   We don't have to be wrapping our sadness around us....or just keeping it to ourselves....there is enough to go around...and share with....

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, hope your outing today is a fun one! Thanks everyone for your thoughts on the upcoming tests. He is very nervous today. At least the procedure is early in the day. We have to  be at the hospital for 7:30 tomorrow morning.

 

Carol, I am convinced that when it is your time to go you will be greeted by a walkway of heart shaped stones that you love so much...and at the end will be those awesome guys of yours waiting with outstretched arms! Hope you are not experiencing too much bad weather your way. I see that the winds and storm pattern have touched the Boston area heading towards our east coast. It is supposedly going to be a doozy.

 

Susan, that event on the ship happened many years ago. To this day we do not know what it was all about.

 

Thinking of everyone today and wishing you some degree of happiness and peace. kate

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

Thanks for asking about my family. Gramma is doing well. She is here with us for a couple days. Just got here yesterday. Aiden loves it when Nonny is here. He says she is the best game player. Slowly we are seeing signs of spring but then yesterday more snow. It’s almost gone today again though. I’m getting ready to get my root vegetables and greens in the ground as soon as we have a couple of nice days and also start my tomatoes and peppers indoors. Your brother and SIL are not far from me at all… maybe 30 minutes to Dayton from here. We live in a little town… Yellow Springs. I’m sure your SIL would know of it. We are best known for being ‘that little hippy town’. I hope you and Ross can enjoy the day and still sending prayers for good results tomorrow. Thank you so much for your words of support. This is all so hard but your words and all that is shared here helps me to put one foot in front of the other some days.

Susan,

Your little Wyatt John… Oh my goodness, what a smile. He is so precious. You’re so right… there is a lot of sadness but just a precious smile, like the one on your precious GrandBoy, helps to see all the good in the world as well.

Carol,

The story of Mike’s last days really touched me too. Such a heartbreaking but precious time for all of you. Thank you for sharing that part of your story with us. I just loved the story of the picture given to your Grandson and his sweet reaction to it. It is still very cold here with a nice day thrown in here and there. I also hope that the weather breaks soon. Thank you very much for your kind words and support.

Dee,

I hope your museum outing today is a good time for all of you. I agree with what you said about heroin. I actually read an article that dealers are targeting high school and college students and because so much is being put out there about heroin, they are telling them it’s something else. So so sad and very scary.

Sherry,

It was good to see your post. I’m sorry you’re having internet problems. I hate dealing with ‘internet people’. Ours is Time Warner but the customer service sounds about the same.

Debbie,

I hope you’re doing okay. I know how draining all the legal things are. I loved seeing the pics of Sam and his Sis and friends. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Yesterday was the sentencing date for Trista’s friend who was driving that day… six months probation, six months, driving suspension, and she is court ordered to speak at schools and remedial driving courses. I did not go to the sentencing and I’m glad I didn’t. The victim’s advocate called me when it was over. I spent the rest of the day in bed, sleeping and staring at the television with no comprehension of what I was watching. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I didn’t even talk to my family about what I knew. I just couldn’t talk at all yesterday.

Six months… and my daughter is gone from the earth forever. It’s not that I wanted the book thrown at this girl. As some of you know she’s not even the person I hold most accountable. I’m still pursuing things civilly in hopes that there will be some accountability for the people I know are responsible. We are still working on getting changes made at that intersection. It still was so hard to hear yesterday. I just feel so broken. I’m going to spend as much time today as I can by myself. I just need to.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, I am so sorry the sentencing went that way...it seems so much of the time that those who need to be held responsible are not...

 

I am fully expecting the same nonsense to come out of this trial for Jesse...

 

Words are really not adequate here...I would give you a big hug and just sit there and cry with you...

 

Sending you prayers...

[shorty16]

Shannon

Ditto...I too am saddened for the light sentencing.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[summergirl]

Yes my friends a true treasure in deed - my wonderful dad....it is a little thing in some people's eyes but all of us here know what a tremendous and powerful thing it is to receive such a gift.

 

Shannon - I am so sorry - I can picture you laying in your bed in a state of disbelief - I know you didn't want a harsh sentence but it still numbs the brain...I pray that this young girl understands what she did and that when she speaks of it to others that she also will learn.  Hugging you

 

A cold and blustery day here today but at least we missed the snow - days like today bring many thoughts of my Jessica - she loved coming over when it was really cold and spend time with us - usually on the couch all curled up in a blanket - I would cook good food and of course wait on her for whatever she wanted. She used to call me her "ATM Machine" - when she was short on money before pay day she would call me and as I drove up to her and her friends she would say "here comes my ATM Machine" - we would laugh - how I miss those things, how I miss so much

 

I have to get Tavian moving on his homework so best say good night to all - I wish you peace, strength and love - Jessica's mom always, Kathy

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....sometimes we search for just the right words....when we want to convey our thoughts....and words are all we have on this site to reach out....

    I am glad your Gramma is there....I know she can comfort you in a way no other can....and help with Aiden....so you can lick your wounds...

    Use what you have  been learning in the last few weeks....and I suggest....'let it go'.....

  not to the wind of 'not caring'.....that is not what I mean....

but...'let it go'.....

  for it is 'out of your control'.....

  there is a big difference....and when one is on the grief journey....the burdens and stress of trying to 'have that control over things which are simply out of our control'.....will only lead you to have greater anxiety...heartache...and heartsick days...

   I think you have done an above stellar job of your carrying yourself and your family....and seeking justice and also...seeking to have a 'wrong...turn into a right'......shining a light on that intersection is a very large order....especially when one is down on their knees in grief....I applaud you...I feel as if I have been right beside you in the last months...for we know how hard it is to even take the housecoat off and put on a pair of blue jeans...

   I think it is 'ok' to be sad...we are born with these normal emotions....so.....go ahead and be 'sad'....but do not have any regrets...for you have gone far above any expectation.

[ericasmom]

Shannon, the sentencing of the young girl has the effect it does because of TIME. Six months one thinks, and all of life. The juxtaposition of these two time periods are alarming to one's heart adn soul, but something inside of me thinks, and Lord knows I may be wrong so please forgive me, that had the sentencing been harsher, you would also be feeling similarly as you are now. Something also occurs to me in all these months of learning about Trista, that she is glad that her friend is not going behind bars and instead will learn from this deep tragedy each day of her life and help spread the lesson to others whose lives are needing the harsh reality of life and accidents and death.  Please forgive me if I am assuming too much here. I am rooting for you to work toward that intersection, and that trucking company whose driver admitted right off that he was just done with a full time job when he began driving that day. This overtime behind the wheel has got to stop.

I am certain that the way you are feeling is normal for this not normal kind of happening. The sentencing or any kind of court or official word having to do with our Kids is very powerful and we don't always even realize how tense we are awaiting the word that redirects our case. It is exhausting and it is unfair, but there is still more to do later on. Rest now, let Gramma help you out as she is so keen to do. Hugs.

 

Downtown with the kids was fun. We went up to the 9th floor at the old Marshall Fields Building, now a Macy's, for the garden show which was lovely. The kids and I enjoyed the art museum and the sunshine to walk in on Michigan AVe. We began at 10:00 AM and I got them home by 3:00. I took a long walk when I got home to just be quiet and alone under the bright blue sky. Now I am tired.

 

Kate thinking of your early morning trip with Ross to the hospital for tests. Fingers crossed and prayers being sent.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Shannon, Oh my dear heart, how I wish I could be right there with you to offer you comfort and hugs. I am sending you cyber hugs ((hugs)). I know so well what you are feeling, as I have indeed been there and had to listen to someone tell us they could bring NO CHARGE that they felt confident in proving, much because of their poor investigation from the beginning. i am so very sorry, but I do think that maybe some good will result from Trista's friend having to speak of it, maybe a future life will be spared. That is what I have had to console myself with in each thing I undertake a change for the better in. It has been very slow coming, and I still have more I wish to do. I pray for you and your family to find strength during this hard time. 

 

I continue to struggle to walk and do things for myself. I have a torn rotator  in my shoulder, a result of my struggle to get up from lying down or sitting when my ankle was broken. made an old injury in the shoulder much worse, doing PT 3 times a week, they come to my house, thank God for insurance. My blood sugars are still not great, but better, and my hands are not much improved. I have an eye apointment next week to see if there is anything that can help my vision. It is still blurry. I have to use a magnifying glass to read my mail, etc., so frustrating.

 

Love to all,

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

You said what I just didn’t have the energy or words to say today. I didn’t want a harsher sentence for her. She already will live the rest of her life with this. The victims advocate told me that she made a statement which is something most minors don’t do. She cried and said how very sorry she is and that she can and will never heal from this completely but that by sharing her story and Trista’s story she hopes she may save at least one life. She told the court that the only thing that has contributed to her healing has been the fact that I have been so kind to her.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It’s been rough today. My mind is spinning and I can’t seem to focus. I tried to do some school work and failed miserably.

Susan, I’m trying to do just what you said.

Laurie and Colleen, Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It truly does help to come here and feel the support.

Becky,

Thank you. You have been such an inspiration for me to know that no matter how everything turns out with the legal system there are ways I can make changes in Trista’s honor and to help ensure the safety of others. I’m going to keep on with my fight for changes there. I see the strength in all you do in Jared’s name and I know I can do the same. I pray for continued healing and strength for you. I’m so glad that the pt people can come to you.

So tired tonight. I’m just ready to sleep again.

[wgreenlee]

Carol...

What a blessing you are...your memory of Mike and the love you all shared really spoke to me, as well.  Read it over and over.  Hard times, but life can still be fulfilling through those times.  What a man Mike was!!!  And your family and his friends too!!!

 

Kate...

Hoping and praying that the tests for Ross only give good news.

 

Debbie...

Sam,
"If you had lived to be 100, I would want to be minus one day so I would never have to feel what it is like to live without you." A.A. MILNE, Winnie the Pooh

 

Yes, my thoughts exactly.  It just isn't right... Good friends are hard to find, but Sam certainly was one.

 

Kathy...

What a wonderful memory from your dad.  Truly a blessing.  Frame it...savor it...let it be a constant reminder of that bond.

 

Shannon...

My thoughts are really with you tonight.  Not sure what to say...hoping, at least, that there might be some peace with the closure of the criminal case and hoping the civil one goes well.

 

Dee...

So glad that the weather cooperated for your trip.  How special it was for those children...memories that they can share when they get back to school.  The other children will be envious.  And your wisdom for Shannon seemed "spot on."  Sometimes all we can do is rest up for the next "fight."

 

Susan..

Your words for Shannon, too, seem so "right."  Good advice for all of us.  I feel like sometimes that I am just "licking my wounds" and recuperating from the grief so I can face it once again more whole than before.

 

Laurie...

Hoping for your experience to be better... It's a long haul, I know, but all of you who are carrying that burden are inspirational...

 

Last night Renea went to her women's bible study group with one of the workers from the funeral home.  The pastor of the church didn't know what happened and so Renea explained it to her and they had a good talk.  Anyway...the pastor lady immediately knew of the situation, since the parents of the man who shot Brooks deliver donuts to the church on Sundays.  She told Renea that they were devastated and so sorry about what happened to Brooks as a result of their son.  This weekend I will stop by their shop and bring them a card and let them know I understand.  Don't know if will talk to them, but they are also dealing with loss and don't need the added "guilt."  Maybe that will be healing for me, too.

 

Hoping for peace and love to find every one of you tomorrow and into this weekend.  And...better weather.  My mom said they got more snow in Minneapolis and my brother said it was below zero last weekend.  Enough Mother Nature...spring is here!

[shorty16]

OMG Wade

I wish you luck when you stop into see the parents of the boy that killed your son.

You are a special man.

God and the angels will be singing during that meeting.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Wade, I agree with Colleen, you are a good good man to know that the family of the young man is also going through a loss. Though different from your loss of Brooks, the future they dreamed of has changed...I wish you well and some healing when you go.

 

Shannon, you will know when your energy is right for more, not now, maybe not in the next week or more, but one day you will figure out what is next.

[wgreenlee]

If Only…

It’s your time to shine
Lyrics worldwide
Symbolism in rhythm devine
Your first concert fears aside

On one knee you say
A wedding to plan
Love joined with no delay
Can I be best man?

Children to raise
A love so very rare
An amazing trail you blaze
Of that I love to share

Your life’s a blessing
Straight and narrow you stay
My work now lessening
But from you I never stray

Years passing…going by
Life is getting harder
Care for us you sanctify
Now you are like the father

Holding close by our side
Tears run down your face
You whisper prayers to be our guide
And sing of God and Amazing Grace

Time is almost gone
Our lives have known great joy
From then to now we’ve drawn
A masterpiece…our boy

I wrote this for you, Brooks, as I sat here listening to your song to mom and I. I can't sing it...but it's my "If Only" back at ya for all the amazing years you gave us and all the years that would have been.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, that is beautiful. Thank you for all you share and the sweet kindness you give to all...

 

Your Brooks is always with you...I like to envision Jesse helping to prepare the "mansion*" for his family on that side of heaven...it helps my feet to travel to the end of the day...and that is all the further I travel...just to the end of a day...

 

Thinking of this by Barbara Johnson:

 

"Knowing your child is safe in the Lord's loving embrace and imagining that he or she is enjoying an eternity of favorite things may help you replace some of your sorrow with Joy. Other times you may have to actively work at find joy when it feels like your world is crashing down around you."

 

I do admit I have to be in a very certain place to read her writings...it would not be for those in raw grief (or when I am that mode) but maybe a little later on...

 

...however I have found some value what she did in her struggles with the grief -- she had of lost two adult sons -- as usual I take what I like and I leave the rest...any little help I find I figure is better than none...

 

The book is Laughter from Heaven...maybe Renea would like to read this...

 

*******************************************

 

"You whisper prayers to be our guide
And sing of God and Amazing Grace"

 

*******************************************

 

...This I believe...

 

That writing is so pretty, I could see it on Brook's marker...or even the entire poem...

 

I also love the pic with Brook's and the kitty...Jesse and Brooks I am sure would have a fine time discussing their cat's...I plan on adding my son's cats ashes by Jesse's side this spring...she died shortly after Jesse passed....I think he needed his kitty....

 

Now Jesse had named his kitty, Betty. This was a very useful name. That way if a girl started to like him a bit too much he could say nicely, "Oh, I need to get home to Betty." So he spared the girl's feelings and no harm was done...And Betty was happy too.

____________________

* wanted to note that in the greek "mansion" translates to a "place" not so much as a "building"..this makes more sense in light of the NDE's I have read...

[ericasmom]

Wade, clear to see where your Son garnered his talents with rhythm and song...your poetry is evolving as you do, simply beautiful.

 

Gray skies and rainy here, drinking coffee and relaxing at a time when I would be preparing to teach math. Spring Break rocks.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

I lost my son 10 years ago and still have it. I heard it is normal. They say if our minds allowed us to remember every thing, the sadness would be so overwhelming that we actually would die of a broken heart. It's the minds' way of protecting us:))

 

 

 

I just read the above on the Compassionate Friends on FB......

 

it brings up what I experience....I have to have 'something' to open a portal to a memory....

 

more later....

[Steve s mom]

Sharing a poem sent to me ,was written by a mom who lost her son.

By Lyndie Pavalon

The secret world I live in...

Where others have no clue

Where pain lives on inside me

Where dreams went on with you

The secret world I live in...

Where memories are bittersweet

Where missing you is endless

Where life is incomplete

The secret world I live in...

Where tears now flow with ease

Where questions have no answers

Where I'm treated as diseased

The secret world I live in...

Where others think I'm fine

Where a mask is worn as armor

Where I look for daily signs

The secret world I live in...

Where laughter causes pain

Where happiness eludes me

Where I often feel insane

The secret world I live in....

Where I've learned how to deny

Where grief is never ending

Where forever I'll ask why

The secret world I live in...

Where you are always missed

Where sleep may bring a visit

Where your spirit does exist

The secret world I live in...

Where others have no clue

Where pain lives on inside me

Where dreams will not come true

In loving memory of Joey and his heavenly buddies

Lyndie

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom...

 

that poem hit the nail on the head....every word so true and from the heart of one that 'knows'...

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos........I'm  back online after 8 days.....finally got the problem resolved...had to have a

whole new Wi-Fi  rewiring done.   

 

 

Susan---

Thanks for posting the poem.....it certainly speaks from that mom's heart, and

strikes the all-too- familiar chord within all of us here on BI.

 

 

Peace  to  all.

 

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

We returned from the hospital about an hour ago. I made Ross a bowl of soup and he is now back in bed sleeping. Wish I could say the news was good. They found another growth that they have sent for biopsy. It had not been there when they did the last CT scan not all that long ago. It was also a decent size. So it was growing fast. We are both just wiped and anxious for the results. May mean more chemo.  Thanks to all for your concern and prayers. We both appreciate it. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry...glad you got those techno problems solved and you are back online....

and....as much as I would like to take credit for that amazing...pure heart rock poem....Steve's Mom graciously shared it with all of us....it is one where the tears just crawl slowly down the face....

 

Kate....well....the positive view....is....they found it....they know it is there and where.....

and that is where you want to be....

but....we know that news like that will take the wind out of any sunny day...please get comfy...and take it one day at a time...(which you already do)....but....what I am trying to say.....is..remember...'self care'....

'cause we care for you....