Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1~ I love the "Cappy" story... I must share with you~ My mom just left today after a week, and quite awhile back, maybe 5 years, Mom lost her dear cousin Cappy... We were just talking the other night about poor Cappy, whose life had been so saddened after she had lost 2 of her 3 kids- One, her only daughter, to a drunk driver and one, her youngest son, to murder... To hear your sweet "Cappy" story warmed my heart- We had a Lhaso once- Abbey was her name!! The kids were little~ Thanks for your sweet words... I love you and all of my dear angels here~ You are all just sooooo special and I would be lost without each and every one of you!!! Where did the name "Cappy" come from?? Isn't this just too sweet?? Mom will LOVE this happy ending story- Both for your Mom and for "Cappy"!! I love you~ xoxomamabets

[mikesmomrs]

DAVEYSMOM, what a sweet story about "Cappy" and your mom! It sounds like she really has a new little baby to keep her young! So glad your spirits were lifted; I can't imagine having to visit TWO graves for your children. And it doesn't matter how long ago..it would be just as painful. God bless you! MAMABETS: I hope your little doxie is doing okay, also. Our loves are always tugging at our hearts, aren't they, human or otherwise! I will keep your daughter and Sweet Caroline in prayer, also. ERINZMOM: thank you for your words of encouragement. I would like to reply to the meeting suggestion by saying that I live near Portsmouth, NH, but traveling to a central place is not a problem. I don't know where everyone else is. love to all, mikesmomrs

[robsmom]

MAMABETS;

HOPE ALL GOES WELL, WILL BE THINKING OF YOU AND KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS. MIKESMOM:

FOR A GOOD FOUR MONTHS AFTER ROB PASSED ON I DON'T THINK I EVEN KNEW WHO I WAS I ONLY FOUND BI ABOUT A MONTH AGO. IN THIS SHORT TIME I FOUND MORE COMFORT HERE THAN I HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE, AND I HOPE YOU WILL TOO. MOST PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN OUR HORRIBLE POSITION HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS LIKE. BUT HERE AT LEAST WE CAN EXPRESS OUR FEELING WITHOUT FEAR OF BRINGING SOMEONE ELSE IN OUR FAMILY DOWN. IT TOOK A LOT OF COURAGE FOR YOU TO COME HERE. AND A LOT OF COURAGE TO POST. I THINK ABOUT YOU A LOT AND THOSE HORRIBLE, UNBELIEVABLE FIRST COUPLE OF MONTHS. ALL MY LOVE, LORRAINE-ROBSMOM

[mikesmomrs]

Well, here I am, posting, and at the same time, down in No Carolina, Mamabets is posting also! I felt almost like we were sitting side by side, when I clicked on "post now," and saw that you had posted while I was typing my post! Can we figuratively twist our little fingers together, like we did as kids, when we would say the same word? LOL What a lift to my day!

I wld like to share with everyone that attending the funeral of my friend's granddaughter, whose name is Taylor, by the way, was truly an uplifting experience. The inspiration given by her parents and family was nothing short of incredible. I also received a gift, from the priest who said the mass. He said that little Taylor's bedroom, where she died, is "now like a sacred place, an anteroom for her spirit to travel to Heaven." It was such an awesome thing to hear, because it has been so hard for my husband and I to go into our dining room, thinking that that is the place where our son died. Instead, it is the place where his eternal life BEGAN, as Father said, it was an anteroom, an air-lock for his journey to Heaven, where we cared for him and nursed him and loved him until he went to the arms of his Father for eternity. I have carried that thought with me all day, and it has truly comforted me. I must say, though, it was a little tough when they ended the services with "The Dance." I had pretty much held it together til then! God bless all, love you all. thank you all for being there over this dreadful one month anniversary of our sweet son's passing. love, mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Robsmom- Lorraine: Well, here I was, keeping company with you, too, not just Mamabets. yes, you are SO right. I have found more comfort here than anywhere else, being able to express my feelings without bringing my family down with me. I just love you all! Thank you all so much! God truly blessed me by showing me the direction to BI. love, mikesmomrs -

[mamabets]

For Mikesmomrs~ Our hearts are so very twisted in one piece, so too may we hold hands forever..Consider it done!! I love you and yes, sacred grounds are all around your home.. Mike, right there with you always. No one can ewver take that sacred place of yours away from you...xo It is a new, steady, painful place, perhaps, but gentle, in a way. A reminder of his ETERNAL, FUN , PAINFREE, as I too, call Danny's existence now, Land of Make Believe Come True!! I love you- xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Robsmom~ You are such a sweet, sweet person- So brave, too, to be here- I so welcome you into my heart...Please feel free to email me, OK, Lorraine?? huntross4@aol.com. I would love to hear all about our Rob!! I love you~ xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ Hi Sherry, trying to email you and it is being returned again!! Remember the snags we used to have?? You are still yahoo, right?? I don't get it!! My sister emailed you too!! Got returned!! I love you! xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

My email is still the same---Yahoo. Can't think

what went wrong. Still the same email address I

have had for years. Hope you get thru next time.

xoxoxoxox Sherry

p.s. Not sure how my mom came up

with the name "Cappy", I'll

have to ask her.

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom,

Thanks for your sweet kind words. You wrote about

the priest's words that a person's room was like

an anteroom to his heavenly home. That is such a

comforting thought, isn't it? In 2000 I went to a friend's

funeral, and the priest said "life here on earth is

a dress rehearsal for one's eternal life". Our Davey

did not die at home, but in the trauma unit, so I

like to think of his life on earth as his "dress

rehearsal" for his heavenly life. Also, I still get

comfort from being in his room (which used to be our

dining room). May you gain a wee bit of strength from

our family here at BI. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[Guest Guest]

Mom2Angels, thank you so much for your kind words of support. We realize we are barely into our grief journey and our feelings right now are very raw. We know we have support from family and friends, but it helps to talk to someone who has walked in our shoes. We have experienced loss and much sacrifice but there is nothing, nothing that can compare to this. I feel like a punching bag: I'm just hanging there and then WHAM! I get hit from one side and then another. I thought I would recognize the "triggers", like a photo or a song or even finding his sock at the bottom of the laundry basket. But the other night I broke down loading the dishwasher because Erik worked as a dining room attendant and was so proud when he got promoted from running the dishwasher to working in the kitchen. I bawled for an hour. Tonight, I re-read some of the sympathy cards we received and they were so warm and so loving that it helped get me out of a really down period. Sometimes, I close my eyes and ask Erik to lend me some of his strength because he was so strong. (I came up to his chest and he would hug me like a bear.) We have to be strong for our 17-year-old son, who seems to be doing okay, and for our mothers, who are not doing so well. Both are disabled and need much care and living to see a grandson die is not something they wanted to do. But we try to keep their spirits up while we are crumbling inside.

I know you have been here. The loss of a special needs child isn't worse than any other kind of loss, it's just different. Because all the things we did for and because of Erik we don't have to do anymore. I don't put out his toiletries and clothes each night. I don't give him his pills. I don't get up at 5 a.m. and wait with him for the van that took him to work. I realize that as much as I grieve the loss of a child, I also grieve the loss of my life WITH that child.

Thanks for listening.

Eriksmom

[kathy714]

Dear Mom2angels,John is doing really well,i really think everyone's prayers are working for him,all that is left is two small spots on his lung and they have been there since the beginning,they think they may be scar tissue,so they took him off all chemo,and are going to check ct scan after christmas,He has gain back all his weight,and all his hair is growing back.Thank you so much for asking about him,and for your help when he was so ill..sorry i didn't get back to you right away,it gets so late,so i answer a few at a time....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Eriksmom,you are so right,when you said it is the life with THAT child.My son wasn't ill but he still lived at home,and he was at home all the time,and usually his friends came here,he liked to hang around me and my husband,we would go to bluegrass festival,camping,the beach,Nate liked to go the mall with me,out to eat,This is what i miss,even though he was turning 21,he was still such a big part of my life.ALSO Mikesmom,it is so true about what the priest said,and Nate's room to me is his whole life ,he grew up in the same room,from the day he was born,till the day he left this earth, i don't think i could ever change a thing. I go in Nate's room and lay on his bed and just look around at all the art work and posters that over the years[21] that have been placed there and i feel so close to Nate,I miss him so much,My heart breaks for the new mom's just starting on this road...Everyone here is in my thoughts and prayers...T/C,K athy Nate's mom 4 ever

[heybud]

Aprilsmom, Renee..thinking of you today as you begin the third year....thank you for the guidance and friendship you have shown me. You and your family are at the top of my prayer list today.

Kelly's Mom...Lisa

[Guest Guest]

I have been reading the thread on our children's rooms and it helped me understand why I am drawn to Erik's room. That's where he died and where I found him. We haven't really disturbed anything but I kept thinking maybe I should at some point we need to put some things away; go through old clothes, etc. There seemed to be something wrong with just having his room exactly as it was the night he died. But I also am drawn to his room when I feel especially down. I lie on his bed - and yes, this is the bed on which he drew his last breath - and I feel closer to him than anywhere else. I don't tell people this, and even my husband thinks I'm torturing myself by spending time in there, but it does help bring peace and clarity. It's not a sad place at all, but a reminder of what a full life he led. The photos, the trophies. The odd little things he collected. It doesn't feel right to create a shrine that isn't touched for years, but maybe that's what we will end up doing. And I think that will be okay.

[mikesmomrs]

Eriksmom: We are also new to our journey of grief, and along with you, we also "took care" of our son, though ours was somewhat different--he had epilepsy also, but it was mostly under control for the last 6 years, with meds. However, in spring of '05, our son was 30 when he was diagnosed with brain cancer (just 18 mos ago), and in Aug of this year, after a summer of decline, he became incapacitated and had to come to our home because of the circumstances of where he lived with his wife and 2 yo son. They lived on the 2nd floor in a very small apt, did not have a washer and dryer, and he needed to have 24 hour care, etc., so we all (his wife, myself and his dad and sister) decided to bring him to our house for care. His wife would come a couple times a week and then spend the weekend. For the last month, I was the primary caregiver, along with Hospice's help (praise God for them!), and when our son passed, it was as though my life stopped, as well as my heart. My days were completely involved with his care and needs and all of sudden, he was gone, and so were the things I had to do for him, bathe him, dress him, give him his meds, read to him, etc. I would stay up at night with him, because he would be awake after midnight, and be awake for 4-5 hrs sometimes, and I did not want to miss even one minute of his being awake! My hands don't know what to do with themselves, and my thoughts are constantly racing ahead. If I go to the store, "I am thinking what is it I need for Mike today" and then I remember, "Oh, I don't need anything for him; he's not here." And I want to run and get in my car and go home and not come out again. You are SO right, I also, like you, grieve the loss of my life with THAT child! My heart is with yours, and what strength I have, I share with you, and our children will give us more strength, and we WILL go on, and we WILL get there. We just don't know when. It truly does help to come here and talk to those who are sharing the same journey. I thank God for leading me to this site. I apologize for such a lengthy post, but Eriksmom really struck a LOT of nerves with me with her post--as I am sure she did with all of you.

God bless all of you, and I will be thinking of and praying for you. Love to all, Mikesmomrs

[ashleysmom]

Aprilsmom, You're in my heart and prayers today. May you have peace in the memories and connection you have with your daughter April. Love, Dottie

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

Thinking of you on April's angel day. My prayers

are with you on this day. Peace & Light be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Guest,

Each of us must go by our own timeline for grieving.

However you choose to take care of your son's room,

let it be your own decision. No one can tell us how

and when we 'should' be doing things or handling our

grief. My son's room is not exactly as it was, but still

has a lot of his influence in it. Everyone here at BI

understands how it is---especially in the early days after

losing a dear child. We want only to help if we can.

Take care, and Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Aprilsmom: Thinking of you on your sweet April's angel date. May peace follow you like a shadow cast by the sun. love, Carol

[griffinsmom]

Hi AprilsMom...Uncanny I should happen here on Aprils'Day. How much can we miss our kids? There are no words for it all. Peace Out, Apes. (and Griff)

[mom2angels]

Namarella/Carol ~ Trying to make sense out of feeling so close to Eric, while missing him so much is the conflict between the body and the soul. The spirit is eternal, while the body is temporary; thus, the spirit is far stronger. As human beings, we are tied to the physical senses in our relationships, which is why we experience profound yearning for the physical existence of our children. Just to hold, touch, see, smell them one more time…we cannot help but long for these things, because we are Earth-bound. The salve for this pain of physical separation is within the power of our children’s spirits to touch our spirits. They are ever present, even when we do not recognize that they are near. That is the closeness we feel with our children, because we are always connected. This is where I find my comfort, and I really work on developing my spiritual relationship with Michael, because I know that I cannot reclaim the physical one. It’s so wonderful to hear that Eric has visited you and your husband in your dreams. He may miss this world, but mostly he misses you. The world he is in now is glorious.

April’sMom/Renee ~ Thinking of and praying for you today on April’s Angel Date. May you be surrounded by warm memories of your beautiful daughter and find comfort and peace in them.

Julsmom/Lynda ~ Your husband and you are in my prayers. I pray that he is (or will be soon) home from the hospital, healthy and fully recovered, with no relapses. Sending prayers of strength for you too.

Mark ~ Thank you so much for your prayers. I am praying for you and your wife also.

Mikesmomrs/Carol ~ Attending Taylor’s wake and funeral must have been so difficult for you and your husband, only one month after the passing of your beloved Mike. Obviously, the priest delivered a message you needed to hear. “Heaven’s Anteroom” – a lovely way to view Mike’s room.

We converted our family room into a bedroom for Michael for the last several years of his Earthly life. Although he was close to coding when the paramedics were working on him in his room that Mother’s Day, he passed in our hospital’s hospice care unit 3 weeks later. Since he was confined to bed for nearly 5 years, his room really did serve as the anteroom for his transition. We removed his hospital bed and all of his equipment from his room but left his furniture and all else the same. Gradually, we have filled his room with gifts we’ve received in his memory, and gifts we’ve given to him on holidays and special occasions. We don’t feel that we’ve created a “shrine,” rather Michael’s room is a Sanctuary. Our children’s rooms are sacred places.

Betsy ~ My thoughts have been with you today. I hope that Cody’s echo went okay and that nothing untoward was found. Keeping Jackie and Caroline in my prayers, and you too, of course.

Daveydow/Sherry ~ Sounds like Cappy and your mom rescued each other in a true meant-to-be match! It must be so hard to cope with two Angel Dates. Lisa and Michael are the same age. I like to think that all of our angels know each other, since we connect them with our friendships here on BI. So, I imagine all of them watching over us, as we grieve for them on their Angel Dates, showering us with their loving compassion and guiding us to strengthening moments. Little Cappy is serving more than one purpose. He lifted your sadness on November 15th. Heaven-sent perhaps?

Robsmom/Lorraine ~ It’s good to know that our BI family and the support here brings you comfort. I wish I had joined much sooner than I did, as I’m sure my struggles would have been lighter. It’s healthy for us to be able to share our feelings and be understood, and the only people we can really do that with are others who are on the same journey. I’m so glad for you that you found us.

Eriksmom ~ I know exactly what you mean – about everything. The life long care of our special needs children shapes our existence to a great extent, as life revolves around their needs. The schedule, the routine, the full care giving, the extra effort to get our children an appropriate education, medical care, therapy, and setting them up for a successful adult life is a full time, constant effort.

After Michael passed, not only was my heart broken, my hands and arms ached with emptiness. I didn’t know what to do with myself, because my life was dedicated to his total care for 32 years, as well as Jon’s care for 33 years. A void was created in my life, and part of me was missing.

Sometimes I think I still hear his feeding pump alarm, even after 3 1/2 years. My mind and body have had to be retrained to not look at the clock and think “it’s time for his meds, or to be turned, or bathed, or …” and to not wake up automatically at 2:30 in the morning, when he typically had a tonic/clonic. It’s like de-programming, and it takes a long time.

Years ago, when we had Jon and Michael in the ER at the same time with seizures, the doctor looked at me and my husband and asked, “Do you two have a life?” Without missing a beat, Jim and I simultaneously responded, “They are our life.”

Whatever you do with Erik’s room will be okay. And for now, you need to be in his room, lying on his bed, and remembering the fantastic life you made possible for him by looking at his trophies and photos. That’s what you need to do, because it makes you feel closer to Erik.

The word “shrine” always seems to carry a negative connotation, which I don’t understand. I’m sure someone might use that term to describe Michael’s room, although everyone who enters his room is filled with the purity of Michael’s spirit and the inspiration of his courage. It’s a sacred place, where his ashes rest in special urns and candles glow around angel figurines and photographs of Michael.

While we have removed his hospital bed and equipment and made changes to his room, one place is still untouched. I cannot seem to remove his gowns and linens from his closet, and it is difficult for me to walk into his closet.

I may never be able to take his gowns and linens from his closet, and that’s okay. We all do what we have to do and need to do to survive. Just because I can’t touch his clothes doesn’t mean that I haven’t let go or moved forward in my life. It just means that I’m not ready, and maybe I never will be. And that really is okay.

And, finally, it’s those unexpected moments that open the flood gates every time. They surprise us, because we’re unprepared. We know that a song, or poem, or a sock are going to make us cry, but it’s those every day memories that catch us unaware. Those moments happen for me frequently, but I don’t cry as intensely as I did in the early days, weeks, months of his passing.

As Betsy has mentioned, your tears are diamonds of love for Erik. These are the soothing words of our wonderful hospital chaplain as she stood beside Michael and held me as I wept for my son. I wondered to her whether it was wrong for me to cry, as I rejoiced for Michael in his freedom from his life of pain and struggle. She gently assured me that my tears were from a mother’s heart, each a diamond of love for my child, collected by God in a special bottle for only those precious tears. Crying is cleansing and healing, and very necessary as part of coping with our loss. Let the tears flow.

Kathy ~ Blessed news that John is doing so well. May he continue to be healthy and strong. Tell him to keep up with the flax seed oil and yogurt/cottage cheese/milk, and check out mangosteen juice and pomegrante juice as well. My prayers will continue that John remains cancer-free.

To All ~ Sorry that I’ve taken up so much space. I have composed this message over the past couple of days with numerous interruptions. I always have so much that I want to say to each of you. Someday when we have a new format for BI, it will be much easier for all of us to communicate and follow topics, and we won’t have to worry about taking up to much space.

To Those of You Who Haven’t Posted for Awhile ~ Please check in with us. I think about all of you here, and I wonder how each of you are doing. Just pop in every so often and update us, so that we know that you are all right. I care and I worry about each of you.

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone ~ May you be blessed with peace and comfort and feel your children very near and hold them in your dreams~ My candle is lit for you ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Roslyn, and to everyone, thanks for your prayers and support while we're going through so much. As ill as my wife is, I've had to come to terms with some things, such as taking care of myself emotionally. One thing I've done has been to attend the meetings of Parents of Murdered Children more diligently. It's not that I feel I can contribute, but they offer me so much that is helping me to get through the holiday season especially. Thank you for your concern about my wife, and your prayers. She went spiralling out of control again, so we're trying to place her in a nursing home very quickly. It's vital for her self-protection now. Perhaps I'm best off not going into it just yet. My prayers are with you all, each and every one of you. luv y'all. Mark

[kathy714]

Dear Mark,you and your wife will be in my prayers,i hope she is ok espcially through the holiday's,why does everything happen just before Thanksgiving and Christmas,my mom padded Nov16,2001 just before Thanksgiving....T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Laurie,Erinnzmom,i would like to meet the weekend after Thanksgiving,maybe on that Sunday,i will keep in touch ,or anyone else who would like to get together,please let us know....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,I hope you found some peace on your daughter,April's angel day,you were in my thoughts and prayers....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,i hope you are doing ok,i have not seen you post in such a long time,i think of you often,because you started posting here right after i did,please come visit again and let us know how you are doing...T/C Kathy, Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Mamabets,how did Cody's echo go ,i hope everything is ok,i will try to talk with you over the weekend,although i have to work,,I will say a little prayer for your little doxy,CODY..T/C,Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For All~ Well, we packed up our little Cody dog yesterday, and I had around my wrist a sweet little satin bag {Dean had given little pearls to Julia on Jackie's wedding day, in the satin bag} with an Angel Star Guardian stone in it that Jackie had given me- Angel wings in the shape of a heart- Also, attatched to the little bag I put Danny's angel pin that Jackie had given him once-He wore it on his hospital gown in April of 2004... He then had attatched it to a card that I had written to him while I was with him in his room during the hospital stay in April of 2004.The card was brought back to me by Jackie after he departed, and I read it all of the time- I had written him a long letter in the card. I took the card with us as well, and held that sweet angel heart and pin close to him as they checked him out- They took him for his echo, came back in quickly, and told us that his murmur was a 3, not a 4 and that while he has a slight enlargement, it is so slight that it has probably been there for years and that he needs NO medicine and they will recheck it in a year!!! He has what the call a slight regurgitation of the valve, but no prolapse!!! Dean has the same exact thi8ng!!!!! Dean has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, enlarged heart, but it has been managed with meds for a long time now. Cody doesn't have the hypertrophic, but a little case of empathy for Dean, no doubt... Another miracle!! LOVED bringing this good news to Jackie!!!! She was so great during the wait... VERY calm for the old Mom...I am exhausted from the all of the emotions, starting months ago with Ashley being so sick...Jackie goes on the 29th for the more in depth ultrasound, but they have put her mind at ease completely.Thanks so much, to all of you for our prayers... Cody saw the same doctor yesterday that told us that Rosie was no longer blind!!! I love you all!! xoxomamabets

[aprilsmom]

Good morning to our circle of friends: you are all truly amazing and your kids were and ARE so lucky to have had YOU in their lives. As parents we usually look at that in the reverse. Well, I made it through yesterday; put roses at the site and met two other moms that lost 16 and 17 year old daughters in car accidents. We too talked about this strange "peace" we get at the sites of the accidents and thought maybe we are wierd because isn't that where our kids got hurt? Well, we just decided it's okay to be "wierd" as everyone has said here over and over.

Rosyln, you never take up space but if you write a book I WILL BUY IT LADY!

Griffin's mom- thank you, I love the way you talk to Apes, and WE HAVE MISSED YOU.

Lisa- AKA HEYBUD lost her precious son Kelly last Christmas Eve, we have missed you too. All of us have been silent in our postings at certain times and when people come back they always have this profound thing to say that touches us all.

MOST OF ALL--THANK YOU TO THE PRAYER WARRIORS-I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT YOU!!!

Betsy- you really don't think April was going to let anything happen to Cody yesterday do ya?

[robsmom]

aprilsmom:

so happy to hear you made it through April's angel day. Just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you.

i am going to a bridal shower today.the shower is for one of my best friends daughter. I really don't feel like going even though I already said yes. I went to one last week and had to leave after about an hour and a half because i felt as though the room was closing in on me. and i really had the urge to scream or run. So I don't know who this one will go but i'll give it a try. I am trying so hard to get something normal back into my life, something,anything but i know i'll get to this shower and wind up having to leave.

mamabets:

great news about cody. xoxoxoxo lorrine, robsmom

[griffinsmom]

It will be 2 years that Griffin had his accident- Jan 1 '05.

I just can't imagine living out the rest of my life without him-it is ever so hard, as we all know. There are no words to express. I have started a small business of vending machines (how non engaging is that), but I am putting an In Loving Memory of Griffin, some photos- including the car, and donating 10% of the profits to MADD- in hopes our chapter can purchase some programs for our schools- in Griffins Memory. Maybe someday I will even be able to present them. The driver of the car...(on 15 years probation) is finally buying into the idea of sharing his story with others through MADD and victim impact panels- as this type of work was integral to the probation versus prison 'punishment" for the vehicular homicide which took Griffins life.

There is no revenge that would change a thing- nothing changes anything. Maybe the story being told by the young driver may impact someone- whatever. Just trying to do something, and something that is fair. There is no punishment that would fit the crime of killing my indescribable son- my love, my heart, my life. What a nightmare.

[daveydow1]

Griffinsmom,

Your words 'nothing changes anything' struck a cord

with me. I am over 3 yrs. on this road of grief, and

in the first couple of yrs. I think I held a lot of

resentment for the truck driver who fell asleep at the

wheel and killed my son in traffic. However, lately, I

think I have begun to 'let it go' a bit. That driver

was unapologetic and indifferent to us--we have never

had a personal word from him. However, as you said 'nothing

changes anything'--our son is still gone. I admit that

from time to time, I STILL have some anger towards that

guy, and may always. But, I hope I am able--in time--to

let it go completely. I want to now concentrate more on

connecting with my son spiritually. I pray you can somehow

find some peace & tranquility in your life.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Glad to hear little Cody pup will be ok. Pets

are such a help to people who grieve, aren't

they? They somehow seem to know when we are in

'a bad way' and soothe us with their presence

and friendship.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[Guest Guest]

Hi All, My name is Joyce I'm new to this. My son Darryl was killed Aug 24,2006 in a motorcycle accident. He had a girl on the back of his cycle & she was killed too. She was 4 mos pregant not w/ his baby. They were friends. It is really hard. He was 41 YO. I miss him so bad. Some days I don't know if I will make it myself. I am so sorry to you all for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you,

[robsmom]

GUEST:JOYCE

ALL OF US HERE KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, WE'VE ALL BEEN TRAVELING THIS ROAD FOR DIFFERENT PERIODS OF TIME. SOME SHORT AND SOME LONGER BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG OR SHORT THE LOSS IS STILL THE SAME.

WHEN YOU SAY THERE ARE DAYS WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU WILL MAKE IT, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST HANGING ON BY MY FINGERNAILS AND THE LEAST LITTLE THING MIGHT JUST PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE. YESTERDAY I WAS ON MY WAY TO A BRIDAL SHOWER IN MANHATTAN, WHICH I FORCED MYSELF TO GO TO, AND GOT STUCK ON THE LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. BEFORE THIS THE TRAFFIC WOULD NOT HAVE BOTHERED ME, BUT I STARTED TO HYPERVENTILATE. I WAS BEGINNING TO PANIC FOR NO REASON THINGS LIKE THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE BUT NOW IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. IF FEEL LIKE I CAN'T BREATHE IF I'M IN CROWDS AND I CAN'T SIT FOR TOO LONG, I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO MOVE AROUND I ALMOST FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO RUN.

THAT HORRIBLE ACHE IN YOUR HEART NEVER SEEMS TO GO AWAY AND YOU JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD MISS ANYONE AS MUCH AS YOU DO YOUR SON. MY ROB PASSED ON JANUARY 20,2006 AND WHILE I KNOW HE'S NOT COMING BACK I'M STILL WAITING. WHEN MY DOCTOR SAID "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" I REMEMBER SAYING FOR THE DOOR TO OPEN OR THE PHONE TO RING, I'M WAITING, AND I PROBABLY WILL BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

i HAVE TWO OTHER CHILDREN, OLDER THAT ROB AND A 16 MONTH OLD GRANDSON,JACK. AND WHILE PEOPLE SAY YOU HAVE TWO OTHER CHILDREN TO THINK ABOUT, I KNOW THEY'RE RIGHT BUT I MISS ROB. MY HEARTIS BROKEN, HE WAS MY BABY.

PLEASE COME BACK AGAIN, I HOPE YOU FIND AS MUCH COMFORT HERE AS I HAVE.

ROBSMOM, LORRAINE

[robsmom]

mamabets:

we have a rottweiler named jada, she is three years old. we originally bought her as a christmas present for my husband but she became robs dog. she loved him and would always patiently wait for him to come for the night and then he would start toplay with her. he played rough and she loved it.

when rob wasn't here anymore she started to act very odd, and only with me. there was one morning when i was feeding here i went into the bathroom to get something and she would not let me out of the bathroom. normally if we were all sitting around at night watching tv she would lay in the living room with us, but she started to go off by herself and if i went anywhere near he she would growl at me. she really scared me and i considered giving her away because not only was i scared but my grnadson jack is 16 months old and now running around and i was petrified she might bite him. i dont't know if she thought i did something to rob or i was hiding him or what but she definitely did act very strange. my husband and the rest of the family thought i should put her up for adoption, but it is not that easy with a rottie not everyone wants them, they have a bad rep. i didn't know what to do because i felt as though i lost rob, jody his girlfriend (he was with her five years and planned on getting engaged during last summer)because i never see her anymore she says its too difficult for her to be around us, so she doesn't really bother with us.so i felt like jada was the last living link that i had to rob and i really did't want to get rid of her but at the same time i was petrified of her. another DILEMMA. does it NEVER end?

as time goes by jada seem to have gotten better as a matter of fact she just goes nuts when i come in the house. i feel a lot better but in the back of my mind there is still that fear of being trapped in the bathroom with her on the other side of the door growling at me. i'll just have to wait and see what happens because i really want to keep her. i'm sorry i'm rambling on like this but your love of cody just made me want to share this with someone so that someone else knows how i feel.

thanks for listening.

lorraine; robs mom

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all, and welcome to Joyce. I too am fairly new to this site, with my son, Mike passing from us on Oct 14th of this year after a long battle with brain cancer. You will find comfort here, and you will likely give comfort here, after a while. As Lorraine, Robsmom, said, we all have different times that we have been on this road, but we all carry the same heavy load--the loss of a child. And, yes, no matter how long, the loss is still as painful. You WILL make it, Joyce, and you will be in our prayers, as well. My own week has been pretty rough, with the one month anniversary of our son's passing and I truly didn't think I would make it through the day. I had to attend a funeral of a friend's 6 yo granddaughter that night, and my husband took me for something to eat, and we both sat there in the restaurant and cried. The poor waiter-- but he was kind, bless him. People ARE kind, Joyce, and you will see that those in this "club" are truly kind, always. you will be in my prayers. A good week to all, and you all will be in my prayers. MIKESMOMRS

[messenger]

MIKESMOMRS...HI..I AM SO SORRY YOU LOST YOUR SON TO CANCER...........SO RECENTLY.............I TOO LOST MINE TO CANCER..IT HAS BEEN 17 MONTHS.I FEEL FOR YOU HAVING TO WATCH YOUR SON SUFFER FROM DAY TO DAY..AND BEING HIS MOM AND TOTALLY HELPLESS.............I HAD TO PUT IT IN THE LORDS HANDS...........WHAT A TERRIBLE FEELING AS A PARENT..

KNOW YOU HAVE COME TO A GREAT PLACE FOR SUPPORT..THERE ARE SO MANY WISE PEOPLE ..TRUELY ANGELS I BELIEVE...........SO FULL OF THE PROPER WORDS THAT WE ALL NEED TO HEAR AT ANY GIVEN TIME..DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION..I AM ALSO SORRY YOU HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER FUNERAL..OF A SMALL GIRL.......THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IN OUR LIVES DEFINETLY HUMBLE US..........THAT IS HOW WE GROW...HE PRUNES US AND THEN WE BRANCH OUT..............TO HELP OTHERS ETC......

KNOW YOU ARE WELCOME AT ANYTIME TO COME AND JOIN IN ............WE ARE ALL HERE FOR EACH OTHER..ALL HAVE LOST ....SOMETHING SO PRECIOUS...............TO US,,OUR CHILD.........

EACH OF YOU ..WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

SINCERELY

MESSENGER

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning to all. I am on my way out to work, but wanted to leave a message to ask if any definite plans have been set for a meeting for those in New England? I am near Portsmouth, NH. I will check back later tonight. The weekend of thanksgiving has been suggested...I am okay with that. love to all. please stay safe, and remember we are all praying for each other, all the time. Mikesmomrs, Carol

[daveydow1]

For Guest--Joyce,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Darryl

in a motorcycle accident. The pain is so hard to

bear so early on. I know how you are feeling. I

am Sherry, and am about 3 and a half yrs. on this

journey. My son, Davey, age 31 and single was killed

in traffic 6/14/03. I came on this site not too long

after that. It has been such a help to me. I'm not

able to discuss my grief with most other people. I

hope you will come back to BI because everyone here

is kind, and you can just read or post as you feel

up to it. This is like a family who are all plodding

along on the same road for the same reason. Peace be

with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[Guest Guest]

Even though my username is "Eriksmom", I keep showing up as "guest", which is kind of how I feel in the world right now, so I suppose that's appropriate. Thanksgiving is the one-month anniversary of Erik's death and we are planning to observe the holiday. We have to do it for our moms .. for our surviving son ... and maybe for us. I realized today that the thing I miss most - besides my dear Erik - is anticipation. I always looked forward to things - holidays, vacations, the weekend, even leaving work early to hang out with my sons. But I don't anticipate anything anymore. I just exist in the present because I can't imagine a future without Erik in it. I have nothing to base that future on. We will decorate for the holidays, because traditions have always been important to our family, and especially to Erik, but I won't look forward to it, I'll just do it. Today, my son asked me to not be so depressed - and I thought I was hiding it pretty well - because it made him depressed. I will do my best, for him. But it's just acting, isn't it? When does it become the real thing?

Thanks for listening.

Eriksmom

[mikesmomrs]

ERIKSMOM: I am fairly new to this site, but I think that if you go in and do your "Profile", it will then put your name instead of "guest." Click on the "profile icon" at the top of your post, and it will allow you to update it.

I fully identify with your feelings of "not looking forward to it" in regards to the holidays. T'day was one of my son\'s favorites, and he just loved every aspect of it. Ours will be as void as yours, but as you say, for the sake of your family, you must get through. I pray that God will allow only the good thoughts of all the good memories you have from times before to come through to you on that day, as I pray the same for all of us who have been led to this comforting site, as well as those who have not but are walking the same heartbreaking path as we are.

I must go to work now, but please know that you are in all of our prayers, and that it is TOO SOON for you to feel anything other than what you are feeling...don't expect anything else. Mike's one-month anni was last week, and a truly terrible week it was. YOU HAVE JUST LOST YOUR SON, how could you feel anything but what you are feeling? Let yourself feel it, let yourself reach out to others, such as us, and you will get through it a day at a time. A future without our dear child is, like you said, a future we have nothing to base anything on about, and we will just have to find our way through it, and with God's help, and the support of all the others on this site going through the same thing, we will. Keep your child close to your heart, keep him close in your thoughts; it IS truly painful, but it is the only way we can walk this road right now, because we are new to it, and the pain is too raw and grating to do otherwise. please email me, if you need to talk more (my email is listed in my profile--click on the icon at the top of my post). love and peace to you.

AND LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL OF YOU FOR THIS THANKSGIVING, WHERE WE TRULY MUST BRING TO OUR MINDS THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES OF OUR CHILD, IN ORDER TO DRIVE OUT THE HAUNTING PAIN WE FEEL, EVEN IF JUST FOR THAT DAY. Love to all, Carol

[rhonda68]

Hello Friends,

I don't always write on here but remember i think of you all. Sometimes its really hard to get my head to focus well not sometimes almost all the time. So sorry to all the new people on here for their losses, but please stay and we will try to help. This site has been very helpful to me over the last year and a half. As no one out here in the world understands I am having a hard time dealing with the worldly people. I have been told awful things by people and I really dont care to be around them I am really struggling. But I have a little hope now I found someone that would listen to me. Thanks to her I have a new chapter for compassionate friends starting in the area and I really hope I can be of help to others. I dont want anyone to have to face this pain alone its the worst that anyone could go threw I am sure. I Love you and try to be good to yourselfs.

Richards MOM

[rhonda68]

YOUR COMPASSIONATE FRIEND

by Steven L. Channing

I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk,

So come take my hand and let’s go for a walk.

See, I’m not like the others - I won’t shy away,

Because I want to hear what you’ve got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard,

But they don’t want to hear a single word.

They tell you your child’s "with God", so be strong.

They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong.

They’re just hurting for you and trying to say,

They’d give anything to help take your pain away.

But they’re struggling with feelings they can’t understand

So forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I’ll walk in your shoes for more than a mile.

I’ll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.

I won’t criticize you or judge you or scorn,

I’ll just stay and listen ’til your night turns to morn.

Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long,

And I know that you think that you’re not quite that strong.

So just take my hand ’cause I’ve got time to spare,

And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay

For not long ago, I was helped the same way.

As I stumbled and fell thru a world so unreal,

So believe when I say that I know how you feel.

I don’t look for praise or financial gain

And I’m sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain.

I’m just a strong shoulder who’ll be here ’til the end-

I’ll be your Compassionate Friend.

[eriksmom]

I found the problem. Although I'm able to log in with my user name or e mail address, if I log on with my user name I show up as "guest." One thing I was able to clear up. A small success.

This is such a comforting site. I've been to other message boards and end up feeling worse, which I know is more about me than the members of the site, but I need to be reassured that 1) what I am feeling is normal; and 2) it gets better with time. Because like the rest of you who are early in your grief, I can't imagine feeling this way for years. Well, I know I couldn't. Last night was the first night I dreamed a vivid dream about Erik. In it, God had sent him back to me so that I could hug him. All he did was smile. But I felt his face, and kissed his cheek and felt SO wonderful in my dream. Of course, waking up was a mess of emotions because it wasn't real, but for those moments in my dream, he was back here with me. I am a Christian but something like this tests my faith so much. I want to believe that God was telling me that Erik is indeed still here with me, that he is smiling, and that anytime I need to hug him, I just close my eyes and do that.

Eriksmom

[xxordinaryxxgirlxx]

I know this is the loss of a child sight but, i need your help. My sister just passed away in July. The holidays are coming up, and my dad and i are really having a hard time. I want him to know that i am there for him even though i'm having a hard time too. Do you think that he knows already, and he just isnt reaching out? I really don't blame him. It's so hard. I lost my mom 2 years ago in 2004 so, its been really crazy.

I just want him to know that i am there.

I love him

sweetie_pie2669@yahoo.com

[daveydow1]

xxordinaryxxxgirlxxx,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear sister.

Also for your father, who lost his daughter. Your

family has been hard-hit, with the loss of your

sister and mother in a short time frame. I guess

your dad is just overwhelmed right now, as you are

too. You could give him extra hugs, tell him that

you love him and are grieving too, and tell him

from time to time that you are there for him whenever

he would like to talk. Don't give up. You and your

father need each other now. Let us know here at BI

how things come along. My prayers are for you and

for your father. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[messenger]

DEAR XXORDINARYXXGIRLXX...................I TOO AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOUR SISTER AND MOTHER..............TEH HOLIDAYS ARE REALLY HARD......................I AM SURE YOUR DAD KNOWS YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM BUT DOESNT WANT TO UPSET YOU ANYMORE......MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM........AND TELL HIM......THAT YOU TOO ARE HURTING AND WANT TO BE THERE FOR HIM......THAT WAY HE WONT FEEL LIKE HE IS UPSETTING YOU AND SEEM DISTANT WHEN IN FACT HE IS TRYING TO SHIELD YOU FROM HIS SADNESS........YOU NEED EACH OTHER ESPECIALLY NOW..............THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT...YOU HAVE COME TO A GREAT PLACE FOR SUPPORT...........WHY NOT MENTION THIS TO HIM........IT MAY HELP HIM TO CHECK THIS SITE OUT..THERE ARE SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE AND WE HELP EACH OTHER.......THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR...........WE ALL HAVE LOST A LOVED ONE AND ARE HURTING

YOU BOTH WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER.......WRITE ME ANYTME IF I CAN HELP............. LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET

[kathy714]

Hi Rhonda,thank you for posting that poem,it is very touching,i am so glad you are doing a little better,and i think you will really start feelig better after you attend a few meetings..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom4 ever