Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Don Everly receives 'special spiritual message' before passing of brother Phil

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- The infighting and hard feelings between the Everly Brothers were well-known, but surviving brother Don felt he had a special moment with his brother Phil before Phil's passing Friday - even if the two weren't together at the time.

"I was listening to one of my favorite songs that Phil wrote and had an extreme emotional moment just before I got the news of his passing," Don Everly wrote in a statement to The Associated Press on Saturday morning. "I took that as a special spiritual message from Phil saying goodbye. Our love was and will always be deeper than any earthly differences we might have had."

Phil Everly died Friday in California from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 74.

The Everly Brothers were arguably the most influential vocal duo in music history. They brought their love of country music to rock `n' roll in the 1950s and 1960s, transforming the pop charts of the day and inspiring legions of young proto rockers like the Beatles, Bob Dylan and the Byrds who would go on to change popular culture.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_OBIT_PHIL_EVERLY_DON_EVERLY_STATEMENT?SITE=WIMIL&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

[Sholl1955]

Lora, I am praying for your brother as he goes through recovery from his injuries. Also for you as I know his accident has stirred up many hard memories. We just had our family Christmas today. It was great to have the Grandbabies here and Rachel and Jason, and Sarah's husband. The kiddos had fun. I have to say though I am really glad the holidays are over. This entire season has been so very hard. I am so discouraged about many things and there is no one here I can talk to. Like so many here, those we thought would always be by our side are gone. I am so thankful for all of you. We are supposed to get major snow followed by very low temps tonight. The effects on the grocery stores are a testament to the forecast. Kind of wish I could hibernate the rest of the winter like a big old bear, and not have to deal with anyone. Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

The 'Celebration of Suzie's Life' was just what she wanted....

the 'seven' of us....her friends...(close ones)....all sat together...in the back....so we could whisper and bolster each other....

we remembered some 'funny ones'....like when we gathered to have a party for one of our friends who sold their business and was 'retiring'...we put all the food out buffet style...I brought my 'layered dip'....we weren't even through eating and Suzie got up....and she took my dip to the kitchen...there was half left.....I went to the kitchen and asked her why she was moving it...she said..."They have had enough...and I want to make sure I have some to take home"....

so...when she was going through chemo...I always made sure....she had that to look forward to..

too many memories to recall here...

[ericasmom]

Colleen, I am sorry to hear that someone so young has passed in your area...I am sure that you will be a source of strength and friendship to the family. Prayers.

Laurie, thanks for the links, I will look into them tonight.

Susan, I am so glad that your Friend's celebration of life went well and that you and the girls were able to gather in her love and share those tears and laughs. I love that she carried the dip away to the kitchen in order to save some for taking home, what a fun friend Suzi was and will always be for you. I can see her sense of humor is much like yours, she must be smiling that you have shared her story with us. Thank you.

Sandy, I wish you could hibernate as well, hide away and rest and not have to deal with the constant barrage of responsibility and loss. You are a wonder to me, that you have handled so much, I know you must be exhausted by it all. If I could, I would lend a hand so that you could rest for a few days. Are you getting assistance with your husband's transportation to his day-placement while you work? I am glad that you had the kids today, I know that there is mending to our hearts when we get to spend some time with our young ones. Stay warm, we are getting snow now, have gotten almost three more inches on top of the 10 we had, and we are to get possibly six more tonight. I love the snow, let it snow, it is that bitter subzero cold I don't like. By tomorrow evening, the temps will drop to -15 without the windchill factored in, by Monday, not above -11 in the daytime. Holy cow, still am unsure as to if we will have school, so far its a yes, but who knows if it will change. The wind-chills on Monday morning will be -40. Just everyone, stay safe in these cold temps. Do not leave the house without a blanket and extra clothing in the car just in case. Also,, water bottles and an energy bar or two, just in case.

[lovU2themoon]

Hi all, we are back from Vegas, alot to read and catch up on.

It was a good distraction, and since I had never been and neither had my daughter lots to see, and go go go no thinking no thinking

and then we come home. I think 2014 bothers me the most,

Its a year that Lane will never know and a year that will never know him.

I find that the hardest to think about.

Taking a step back, to one minute, one second at a time. Lots of tears and heavy chest these days.

Lora, sorry for you having to deal with a car accident again, saying prayers for your brother.

Thinking of you all tonight.

Wanda

Lane's mom forever.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I'm glad your trip was good for you and your Daughter. I imagine it is hard to come home now. I have the same feelings about 2014. New Years Day marked 7 months since Trista left. I'm thinking of you.

Dee,

We are expecting lots of snow and freezing temps too. Zak's hoping for an extended Christmas vacation. We will see. My husband tried to go to the store to pick up a few things and said it was terrible... lines out the door. Luckily we didn't need much. He said the shelves were almost empty.

Sandy,

I'm with you on hibernating. I would rather stay under a warm blanket until Spring. I'm glad your family Christmas was nice.

Kate,

I'm sorry to hear about your girl. It's so hard to lose a pet so loved. Trista's dog Britney passed two years ago. I know she was there for my Tris. There was such love between the two of them.

Jan,

Thank you for sharing the picture of your Girl. She is beautiful.

Susan,

The Celebration of Life sounds like it was perfect for your friend, Suzie. I'm glad it was just what she would have wanted.

Colleen,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of that Child. We know how hard this is. I hope you're able to be of some comfort to the family.

Lora,

I'm finding out too, that sometimes things can just send me reeling and all the questions come back full force. I'm thinking of you.

I have been resting a lot since I've been sick. I was looking through some of Trista's things today and found this poem she wrote when she was little. With the bad weather many of us have coming our way, I thought it was perfect. It put a little Trista magic in it for me. I will always see her in the snow now.

Snow Magic

Snow, snow

It's so magic

falling from the sky

The snowflakes look like thousands

of tiny white butterflies

Oh, I wish I could fly sky high

with those magic white butterflies

Oh, say it's so and I will go

It's the magic of the snow

Trista age 9

I love you, Trista Mae. Thank you for giving me some magic today. I needed it. I miss you so much.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all...have not been by as I am inundated with the beginnings of what may be the flu following close behind a difficult holiday of trying to be "up" when "down" was how I was feeling. It is so hard sometimes trying and sometimes I just want to say "I'm tired and can't smile (or laugh or be warm or comforting or sometimes even just loving) but how can I do that when I know that they are hurting and missing Mike and their dad/papa/grampa too? I have always been the "fixer," whatever you might call it, and right now I only feel broken, missing some important pieces that I have always relied on and know that I will never find again. I know this is a journey, with many steps, steps that go forward and then when least expected, backward, and I need to and will find "different" pieces, but for now, my path is dimmed by sorrow and loss. I know this will change..I've been walking this road for a long while now. It's just that it is so hard to wait for the time to pass until it starts to soften LORA: so very sorry to hear about your brother...I was glad to hear that he is going to eventually be all right, and my prayers go to all of you, especially him, for strength. It must be hard for you to go through this and my heart goes out to you. SHANNON: I was sorry to read that you were having such a difficult time. This is a tough road, and can swipe at us from every angle sometimes. I was happy to read that you are getting a little more understanding from your husband. I loved Trista's poem about the snow...thanks for sharing. WANDA: I m glad you got away for a while and that it provided some distraction for you, happy that you and your daughter got to share some time together. SUSAN: So good to hear that the celebration for your friend Suzi went so well. I too liked the story about the dip. It is hard to lose our long-time friends. My life-long friend, Rita (we were best friends for almost 50 years) was there for me during Mike's illness. She had many different kinds of cancer over about 6-7 years and died just 2 years after our son, Mike. SANDY: I'm glad you got to have the kids...as DEE said, they can bring back into our hearts when we feel the well running dry. KATE: So sorry to hear that your fur baby is not doing well . I know she's had problems before that she's come back from and I do hope things go easy for her. I saw in your post about the building of bridges for the moose....our state has built some "passage ways" for wildlife, under the highways...I don't think we have a lot yet, but as they seem to have succeeded in their purpose, they are supposed to be adding more s time goes by. You've had some terribly cold weather and lots of snow up there....we've had some pretty cold weather and lots of sow here, as well, though our temps haven't been quite as low as those in your area or in Dee's area. I think our lowest thus far has bee minus 12 F with wind chill of minus 20 F or so. I will be glad to see the buds on the trees again, but for now content to see the beauty in the snow. We don't have a of driving around our immediate area, so the snow stays nice and white for a while longer than further on down into the city. I see that we have some more new parents here since I last came by....so very, very sorry that you have a need to find us, but you have found a good place to be...here you will find much support, comfort, understanding, wisdom and love here...all things we need on this sad journey we find ourselves on. I am still having problems with my computer and am doing this on my laptop, with which I am not too familiar,..it has windows 8, which I do NOT like at all. As bad as my PC was, the shop has messed it up even more, losing all of my email and email folders, as well as accidentally downloading another customer's hard drive onto mine and causing my hard drive to fail with the overload and need replacing. I am quite upset, and will be heading down there on Monday when the manager is back on duty to try to straighten things out. Also, of course, can still not do colors or paragraphs on BI...I can "space ahead" to make false paragraphs, but it doesn't always work. I know there are some I've not addressed, but it is hard for me to type on this keyboard, and my fingers are not working too well right now, so I will sign off with wishes to all for peace-filled moments for even just small parts of each day. Our beloved children are with us and surround us with their love, always.

[mysonrich]

Found on my fb page this morning

[Steve s mom]

Shannon thanks for sharing tristas snow poem , believe she is flying with the snow butterflies today and having fun.funny how butterflies seem to remind us of our loved ones and serve as messengers from them

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....I can only send you these words...but I do hope 2014 will give you some leeway...some avenues that can be opened to lessen your load....you mentioned that you found 'a gateway' so your husband could have his Daycare....without a lot of expense.....did that come about ? Is Rachael treating you some better ? How was she at the Christmas gathering ? That may just have to be put on the back burner...and let the strings untangle themselves. I have found that there are some 'questions' I have....that have no reasonable answer....the questions and problems bubble up and I will fret and fume about them....and wear it down...and I will have to put them aside and go about my business. I just can't come up with anything new to shed a light on a 'person or problem'....but I know it is easier said than done....and when it comes to our children...that is a undefined kind of hurt. You and I were so on the same thought....the holidays were uphill this year for me...I was not in the right attitude or spirit before they were upon me.....as for my personality...I know myself well....and 'if' I can adjust my attitude...it makes all the difference in how I handle anything....and I could not turn the dial to 'good attitude'. I remember after John David passed I had the thought that I would like to take a year off of 'Easter..birthdays...Thanksgiving..Christmas'...in other words....not having to celebrate any 'day'...or holiday...I will wish you and I an 'Attitude Adjustment' gift for 2014.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....I so wish my husband and one of my son's could help you with your computer...they would get it all fixed....it is so troubling to try and have something fixed...and they make it worse ! If you read my post to Sandy....yes...many of us were on the same 'thought' about our holidays...and I could 'read' in your other posts that yes...you are the 'fixer' in the family....many of us are 'The Keeper of the Springs'.....and it is hard to march forward...when we just want to 'camp out' on the grief path...but you do a fantastic job of leading your loved ones on....and they so need that...and need you to hold up that light....for life goes forward. You do give us ...on this site....a share in your compassionate energy...caring...and endless love for your family....and it helps us in knowing we must carry forward for our families. You let us know it is not easy...but you do what you need to do.

I lost my BEST and dearest friend, Margaret Ann....a few years ago....best friends since I was 12 years old....not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Suzie will be in the top 1% of 'People I will forever miss'....but I have been so blessed to have had these funny..talented..creative..loving people in my life. They are gifts.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....love Trista's snow poem....

in fact....it is a very good poem....it makes you 'see' the snow...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....hope you are keeping warm.....

if you find someone that has not been knocked down by the 'treatment' of others...then they live in a closet....

so many on this site have been so hurt by the treatment of family..friends...during their mourning time...not only the raw pain of grief...but having to deal with the raw treatment of others...

what I have discovered for me....is that I was overwhelmed by my blindside of the betrayal....

for I would think...'Well...I walked into that one'....or...'why didn't I see that coming'....or why did I not see that characteristic in that person before...?

I think it takes something very profound...or horrific ( like losing a child) to see the true colors of many of those 'family members' or friends....it is a betrayal....

but ...at least....one can know then for sure....to write that person off....let them go...

it takes a long time to let that process work it's way through...but it will come...and along the way...I always find a few more 'other truths' of that person ...

[ericasmom]

Wanda, I am happy for you and your Daughter to have gotten to a new place for the holidays. Yes, returning home is difficult when we are missing a Child, but you and your Daughter are forging a new path and I can only think that your Boy must be very proud of you both. He was there with you.

Carol, lovely to see you. The snow is falling, tiny flakes-BIG SNOW, as they say. I will take a walk soon before the temps drop too much more, it is 17 degrees right now, but windy. Love my long underwear! I hope that your computer woes get fixed and boy should they when the very place that was to fix made them worse. I know that your amazing ability at pointing out right from wrong will come in handy here. I can almost see Ralph, (Mike) standing next to you with a huge grin on his face when you make that manager eat his words...

Betsy, love that you found that on your FB page.

Shannon, I adore Trista's poem, it is so TRISTA. Erica wrote a poem in 2nd grade about the snow, I sure wish I could find it, but it questioned why others were not outside on such a great day of white all around...I too think that finding that poem when you did let's you see that Trista is certainly with you in each season, loving you as she always will.

The quiet beauty of the wind and the snow are an amazing magic to my soul, even with the temps dropping, when I walk in the snow, I can feel the spirit of my young self, my young children, and all that delight in snow, with me. I keep watching the big hill 4 blocks from here, the sounds and actions of those young ones are the same sounds and actions from my Childrens' young days. I am pulled there.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I too loved Trista's snow poem. I imagine she would be writing poems galore if she lived up here during the winter. Hope today is a decent one for you. The kids rarely have a day off due to the weather in our area. The road conditions have to be pretty bad before they take the busses off of the road. The province is pretty well equipped with road plows, etc. for huge amounts of snow. So snow days aren't all that common for the kids. I do understand the panic in southern climes when this type of system hits, as they are just not prepared. And why would they be? I imagine it does not happen very often. It dropped again during the night to -39C. Our day time high is only -27C. It has been a miserable stretch of few weeks stuck inside due to the cold. I most certainly hope that this is not going to become the new norm. Susan, yes, I can relate to the cherished friendships that we build over a lifetime. My dear friend passed away January 18th. last year. She is the lady I mentioned that worked relentlessly to help her daughter that had suffered a stroke. All we can do is reflect on the valued time we spent with them and how their friendship impacted our lives in a positive way. Yes, they will be dearly missed and how lucky we were that our paths crossed. Wade, thoughts sent your way that you are starting to be able to breathe again. Take care of yourself. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...take us all with you when you walk....we don't have the snow or the severe cold...but it will get down in the low 20's here for THREE days....I don't have the boots...long underwear...or the heavy duty coats, etc....that my Northern sisters have....(I have 'cute' boots)....or I could/would brave the cold to get some walking in....

I do like your 'snow spirit'.... it is like taking a 'walk adventure'....hearing the laughter and shrills of children always makes me go back in time...when they were 'my kids' and I could shape a theme for them...

'If time were not a moving thing...and I could make it stay'...

[Sholl1955]

I am so thankful for each of you. When I posted yesterday, I so needed to connect with someone who understood and really truly cares. SUSAN the betrayal of friends and family is the worst kind of betrayal especially from those that were close. I am SLOWLY learning to let go but have trouble accepting in my heart that these people who have known me for so long ( my sister, close friends) have turned away when I need them the most. I know they cannot understand and I would never want them to, but, have been by their sides through some tough times and wouldn't think of turning away from them. I have been seeing a therapist since Sarah died and have been working so hard to forge through this grief road as I know I cannot go around it and putting it off only makes it worse. I have been working on what she calls "Self Preservation" and I need to do what I need to for me. I have always been there for others, and is why I became a nurse. I know I have to work on me, and letting those who can't support me go. The one I will NOT let go of is my Rachel. Things have to be kept on a superficial plane, and discussion of Sarah kept to a minimum, and that I can do. The grandbabies help with that as they always are the center of attention. I just have to accept I will not get any emotional support from Rach right now. I think her own grief is part of it and she doesn't want my support so I need to accept and respect that. DEE and SUSAN, yes I did get some assistance to help cover my husband's adult day care expenses. It was approved in November and I am very thankful. His dementia continues to decline, but he is not violent or physically abusive, just gets stubborn and cranky at times, but mostly will cooperate with what he is asked to do. He spends a lot of time sleeping. He struggled during the holidays due to what I belive was a disruption in his schedule with the holidays in the middle of the week. He was sure that I took some of his days away from him. Don't know what he thought I did with them but he just accepted it, and now doesn't remember his frustration. He kept falling asleep during our family Christmas and he calls the girls the wrong names ,but they know it is just who he is and they love him dearly and are very protective of him. SUSAN I know I can use an attitude adjustment, usually on a daily basis. Sometimes on an hourly basis. I still struggle with having no stone on Sarah's gravesite. I know the vicinity but her's is in the middle of unsold plots. The cemetery will allow NOTHING except a stone flat to the ground on the site. I went on the 23rd of December to put a wreath on it (which is allowed only for the holidays) and was going to have someone there find the spot for me, but no one was there, I had a huge meltdown out in the cemetery, then brought the wreath home and it sits in the garage. I know that she is not there, and that for many going to the site is not a big deal but for me, I know she is in heaven but that is where the body I gave birth to and loved is buried. I have a need to go there. But I don't think that is going to happen. My son in law knows how I feel. In fact even Maddie (7) needs a place to go put the letters she writes to her Mama. But he will not budge. He has been very ornery lately. I know he is grieving too. He can afford it so I don't know what he is thinking. But guess my attitude needs to change and I need to think of someplace else I can go to feel close to her. And, someplace Maddie can take her love notes and letters. It all gets so wearisome at times. I have been watching the snow pile up all day outside and the winds and really cold temps are due this evening. I remember these kinds of winters as a kid. Guess I wlll go put the Christmas decorations away. Thinking of you all. Stay safe and warm. SANDY

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, so loved the snowflake poem by Trista. It sounds so Trista. Beautifully written.

snowflakes

Okay, I just read Dee's post...we said the same thing about the poem almost word for word.

All, I am still reading posts.

I did read yours Carol and the struggle to keep marching on for everyone else. Thank you for coming back and holding our hand and offering comfort to those new on the path. We for the most part skipped the holidays, with only a small gift session for the grandkids and a visit to my parents in Milwaukee. Just kept it low key. Think it helped but still was depressing...

Found an article in Guideposts on Loretta Lynn and found out she had two adult child losses, one son, age 34, and this past year her daughter, age 64 both were her eldest children. She also outlived her husband, married 49 years. She just received the Congressional Medal of Honor this November. Found her story to be of interest as to how she carried on in spite of so many losses. Short song by her.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, we do think in similar ways don't we? I got a kick out of that too. I have those snowflake picutres as well, love them. There is a great snow book for kids that is non-ficiton, the story of Snowflake Bently. It is the science of snow and the dedication to proving that each snowflake is different from all the rest, by this man who was later called, Snowflake Bently. There is a plaque in his town in Vermont in his honor. I had no idea that Loretta Lynn had two losses like ours. So hard.

Sandy, I am happy that your coming here can help you feel connected and is part of your self-preservation. It is true, we have to shed some of the negative influences in our lives in order to find our strength and in order to honor our own spirit, which of course gets depleted by the loss of our Children. I am happy that you are seeing someone to encourage you in this endeavor. I sure wish your SIL would budge on the stone, it just makes sense even if it is not in his belief system, to provide a place for his Children to go, for you to go. I don't go much anymore, but in the first 4 years, I went quite often to sit near the spot that last held Erica. I am sad that he cannot see himself clear to do this. Maybe you and Maddie can send those letters to the sky via balloons?

[ericasmom]

Oh I took a fabulous walk and I did take you all with Susan, I spoke the names of our angels down at the slough, which of course was covered with snow. It was a gorgeous walk, two pair of silky longjohns and jeans, two shirts, one of them a turtle neck, a hooded sweatshirt, a big winter parka and earmuffs and hood, scarf, and of course my timeberlands...I may look funny but I was out for an hour, went 2.5 miles and had to make myself come back in as I LOVE IT. Now we find school is cancelled for tomorrow, and the snow keeps falling...

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, you look fabulous. Your cheeks are positively glowing. Glad you have another day off tomorrow. Hope you can get outside again and enjoy the fresh air. Laurie, aren't they marvelous? It is so hard to believe that not two snowflakes are the same. Something like our kids. I used to love to cut them out of paper when I was a little girl. Do they still do that? Loretta Lynn did indeed have a lot of heartache to carry. What are our options? We have to continue.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, I agree that when the year turned there was a new dimension of pain. I could no longer look back and say, this day last year Jesse was doing ___________. There are definitely many unexpected twists and turns on this path of grief.

Honestly I still have my “screaming” sessions when no one is around. I really hate this new life and I am so mad.

Betsy, what an amazing post on your FB. We all need those tidbits of unexpected encouragement.

Mary Ann, I agree that many times butterflies are used to connect us with a loved one.

Susan, it is good that you had such friends in your life. They are a treasure. You might have read the post about my BFF who bailed on me when she saw the intensity with child loss. It is hard because we went through so many things together, including births of our children. I am just letting go…

Kate, we are preparing for the cold blast too. Extra wood stockpiled and more groceries bought…will be glad when this is over, 30 degrees will be like a heat wave.

Sandy, good to see your post and it sounds like you are getting some help from a therapist. There are times when an outsider’s point of view is needed and just for someone other than those close to us to help bear the load. Have you considered purchasing the cemetery plots next to where your Sarah is buried? When Jesse passed that is what we did. I think we have six in all.

Dee, you answered a question I had wondered about…how often you still went to the cemetery. I know it may slow down but did you just felt the need was less?

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....you do look like a 'Snow Queen' for sure....I know now that you are a professional snow-walker...for you know how to dress...and that has to be the most important factor for safety.

I know those are snowflakes...but behind you they look like 'orbs'....so pretty....thank you for saying our Angels names.....John David loved the cold..snow..mountains...fishing in the lakes..skiing...I know he only came back to Texas for me and the family....I have many photos of him camping in the mountains when he was at Whidby Island....

I use to tell him he did not inherit my DNA for his love of cold weather...

Laurie...I knew she lost an adult son...but did not know she lost her daughter...she is such a unique and talented lady....still one of my very favorite movies is 'Coal Miner's Daughter'....Levon Helm played her Dad in the movie...and he is still in the 1% of my favorites....when I think of Rose Kennedy...I just have to go to another level..(that I am not on)...to think how she could get out of bed in the mornings.

Sandy...I am so proud of people that have enough 'knowing' to 'know' they need to go see a therapist...for it is not a sign of 'weakness or intelligence'...rather it is a sign of great astute reasoning...to seek what one needs. No one has all the right answers...no one has the 'right' handle on all the problems....and there comes a time when one can just hit a 'wall'...and can't see far enough down the road to know where to put their foot. I think with all the circumstances you have on your plate...you are doing 'good'...and you will move forward.

Of course..never 'let go' of your Rachael....I am guessing she, too, has a lot on her plate...she has those little children..a home and husband..a busy schedule..and she has her grief...and many times..24 hours a day is still not enough time to fit it all in. I do not put 'all that I am thinking..or all that I am grieving...all the emotions I am feeling'...on my daughter, Randa...she sees me every day...and she will call me every day....but....I pick up my que from her....if she opens up and starts talking about her John David. She is in what I call the 'Bermuda Triangle of a Woman's Life'.....her brother passed...her oldest son went off to U of Texas and her hormones are going crazy....she is at that age and I know...by her emotional roller coaster. Also...her twins...Hunter Bear and Taylor are 16....!! So ...go figure.

But...that is why I come to this site....here...I don't have to qualify any statement...or tear...or sob session...or emotion...

Dee offered a good way to 'send a message' with the balloons....was there a favorite park or place your Sarah loved to be at....or...maybe plan a 'tree planting' celebration...and you will have that to go to....I cannot fathom why the SIL is so stubborn...am sure later...the girls will question him on this...and he will have them to answer to...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...it is very emotional to know our child did not leave a footprint in 2013...and we are faced with 'that deep space from 'then' to 'here'....and it does have another kind of grief and hurt to it..I know...am sure many do, too....

[daveydow1]

Laurie----thanks for the Loretta Lynne song. I didn't know that she had lost two adult children. She has been brave. I often wonder what ever happened to her younger sister, Crystal Gayle, who had the longest hair....down to her feet? She was beautiful. I got another desktop computer. It has the Windows 8 on it, and it sure is a challenge to get used to navigating on it. Also....I hate the way I cannot access/use the text color for replying her on BI. I've heard that Win 8 doesn't support it. Sandy......Yes, I agree that sometimes friends and family often turn away. It's as if our sorrow is burdensome to them, and they lose patience. I'm glad that you have a counselor to talk openly with. Sorry about your meltdown at the cemetery. I can relate to that, as I, too, have had them.....especially in the winter months when the area is so stark and lonely. Prayers for your husband. Wishing you peace. Susan-----You are right.....sometimes a 'fix' for a computer makes things worse. I found that out firsthand with my old computer....and it costs $$$ too. Carol----Stay warm and take good care of yourself. The flu is really the "pits". Shannon----thanks for posting Trista's poem. So lovely. One can tell that she was a lovely, kind-hearted person, with a gentle soul. So very painful for you to be without her, I know, .....I'm sorry. Wanda-----Yes, .....the turn of a new year without your beloved Lane is so sorrowful for you. The first new year without him. PEACE & PRAYERS Kate-----So hoping that your pet will have more time left with your family. Pets are such a comfort. I cried so much when our 15 yr. old cat had to be put to sleep. We had her when Davey was still with us, and it was painful to see her go. Did you have this dog(?) when Jeff was still with you? Over the years, here at BI, quite a few people have had to say goodbye to beloved pets, and it is very difficult. Lora----Continuing to send prayers for your brother for his recovery. PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[SamDsmom]

Just wanted to say hi. Still breathing. Just caught up reading. I'm thinking of you all

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Debbie, so glad that you are out there and yes, still breathing. Did you stay back and land somewhere for a bit of time? I am thinking of you.

We just watched the game between Green Bay and San Diego. We were rooting for Green Bay, where the temps were almost as cold as they are here, but it wasn't to be, San Diego took it. Sorry Col.

Everyone to the east of me, stay warm as it is heading through Indiana the northern counties have been completely shut down in Indiana as the roads are too dangerous, so all roads in the northern four counties that touch the lake are closed except for emergency workers. Goodness.

Sandy stay home tomorrow.

Kate, yes my cheeks are still pink, a bit windburned but that is okay, I did not realize how red my nose was as well. Hugs to your Pooch. I do know how hard that is.

This is a photo of Erica when she was 6 years old at Macy's Walnut Room at Christmas time, my Sis had this photo and I'd never seen it before...

[ericasmom]

Laurie, back in those earlier years I wanted to be there more often than now. I still feel good going, but there is less of a need to be there, more able to tap into that peace from home and from my walks. The flat stone at the cemetery is hard to find under the snow, and it closes at 4:00 on weekdays in the winter, so I can't get there after school until spring time. I do definitely go more often in the three seasons that make for sitting near a grave doable, but I go far less often now. Our cemetery has many rules like the one Sandy spoke of...I wish that I could put solar lights and I wish all the cute things I once put there were not eiether stolen or run over by the careless grounds-people. Not that they are being mean intentionally, just doing their job and these little tokens are not smiled upon in this cemetery.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...can only 'imagine' what that photo can bring to you....Peace to you ...you are a 'rock' in my life...

[Sholl1955]

Dee, I am staying home tomorrow. Most everything is shut down. Fort Wayne and Allen County have declared an Emergency Only Travel level. So only emergency vehicles are to be on the roads. We have a lot of snow, and the winds are picking up with the temps going down to possibly -12 tonight and that is the expected high tomorrow. The organization that I work for is closed. If I still worked in the hospital I would need to try to go in and would be exempt from getting ticketed for being on the roads. I am fine with where I am now. My husband's Day Care is closed too. We are quite comfortable but would love Kate's fireplace to sit in front of. The concern for the night is the winds and also possible loss of power due to the wet heavy snow on the power lines. Prayers for everyone in the path of this storm. It is a dangerous one with the low temps along with the snow. I am wishing I would get a sign from my girl tonight, but have not had too many of them, Maybe I am not just recognizing them. Rest well all. Sandy.

[Mermaid Tears]

We are having a 'cold' South Texas...but nothing compared to my Northern Friends....stay where you are...and hope you stay warm...

Wade....have not heard from you...but...

I...am many on this site are thinking of you and yours....

and of course....your Brooks....we are not so far away....we know you must be going through a certain kind of 'grief'....and your family has yet...another kind of grief and layer to your mourning...

we....think of you...we are 'with' you.....and we just want you to know...you are not alone on the journey....let us hear....

[mysonrich]

It's 57F at the moment but will drop to -12 by tomorrow morning.

Sandy, I was thinking that a sheap hook with flower basket may help but i guess that isn't allowed either.

Speaking of laughing..sometimes while under desks and other times. Suffering from a bit of cabin fever and returned anxiety i decided to watch a movie on hbo. It was "Mars Attacks". Rich and i saw it when it first came out only because our 1st choice was sold out.one of the characters , Ri

ch, saves the world with h

elp from his grandmother. My Rich loved his grandmother very much and was very helpful in her care. Very hard to lift someone from wheelchair to car,

glad i had help some days.

Going to look up a person that was once a friend of Rich. I would like a copy of a picture he has. I called but he never called back. I am very familiar with the what can you do for me re:this family. I'll be back and respond to others. I am not well practiced with finger typing.

[ericasmom]

It's -16 outside right now, windchills of -40. I am grateful for the school closing. Our house is surrounded by ice stalagties, they glisten like diamonds.

Betsy, get the long underwear out, it is horrendously cold but the sun is out, thank heavens for that. Today while watching the news with husband, a tiny sparrow tapped on our window, looking in while surfing a rose bush branch. She was so pretty, I said, " ERICA!"

Wade, as Susan has said, we are thinking of you and holding you in our prayers and hopes.

Sandy, I am happy that you are home today.

[ericasmom]

ICEY days.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sandy,

thought about the locating Sarah's site....how about purchasing a personal GPS unit? My brother in law had one when he came up and he was able to mark a spot on our property and backtrack to it when he wanted. You could use this device to mark Sarah's site.

Video Bushnell Personal GPS

http://www.opticsplanet.com/bushnell-gps-backtrack-personal-locator.html?gclid=CKmhwInv6bsCFcxAMgodRUgAig&ef_id=Uok-dwAABeJhgAXb:20140106153040:s

Link to unit sold at Walmart

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Bushnell-Backtrack-GPS-Tracking-Locator-w-Compass/10783778

It looks like these units vary from $45 on up.

Also, just a side note, they are now using this technology to keep track of elderly people. Don't know the condition of your husband, but my cousin lost her elderly mother (with alzheimer's), she had wandered off, something like this would have helped.

*********************************

Very cold up here in northern Wisconsin but it is clear out today...keeping the woodstove going...

[ericasmom]

Laurie, you have wonderful ideas and then the links to access them. You are so helpful.

[Caty]

Hello to all. I lost my youngest child Angie December 19th of this year - she was just 39 and had been fighting breast cancer for the last 6 years. She was 32 when diagnosed, went through treatment and we prayed the nightmare was over but 3 years ago it came back. She was doing well until a week before Thanksgiving - I wont go into all the details but it has been horrific. After more than 2 weeks in the hospital she passed away leaving a 16 year old daughter and 8 year old autistic son. I have read about the stages of grief and many of the posts here. I don't seem to fit into any category. I am starting to wonder if I am still in shock. I do know that since her diagnosis of Stage IV cancer seemed to consume our lives. I cry most of the time, especially when someone wants to bring up Angie, I just want to sleep because then I don't feel.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, you have wonderful ideas and then the links to access them. You are so helpful.

Thanks Dee, I had actually thought of you too since you had mentioned it is hard to find Erica's site in the winter months...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Caty, I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Angie. This is a "place" that we can freely share about the loss of our children, and where others truly "get it". Please share as you are able.

Regarding the stages of grief, they were not intended to be approached in a linear fashion." Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (first author of stages) noted that these stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions that could be felt, and, they can occur in any order."

So many of us have found, we each travel our grief journey according to one's own heart, but we are here to hold one another's hand and listen. Hugs.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Caty....how so...so sorry to hear of your sweet girl passing...it doesn't matter if your 'child' was 2 or 42....they are still your/our child....that is why the site is called 'Adult Child'....and you have come to a site where we may not have all the answers...but we do have a common ground in that we 'grieve' for our child....I am on this site for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a 'child'....so I have no one around me that can quite understand my profound sorrow..grief...mourning...longing...crying...tears...panic attacks...questions...anger...bitter moments..better moments...and the big..black..dark place I go when I ask...'WHY'...

many on this site has been here for years...some even 10 years....I call them my 'Spirit Guides'...they have offered their hearts and a hand up to me...a life line...when my human boat was going down...down...down....

there were days I could barely breathe....and then....someone would give me a hand up here...and I would 'come up for air'.....

this is not a journey for a Sissy....it is hard...so hard....and we do understand if you want to stay in bed all day and sleep.....in fact....it is ok to sit on your couch all day in your panties..and cry..weep and wail....do whatever you want to do...(except to harm yourself) to get you by on this part of the grief path.....

there is no set of 'rules' on the grief path....and there is no 'One Size Fits All'.....for our children were unique...and your grief journey will be unique...there is simply no right or wrong...there is a beginning....and we are here to help you along this path....

many on this site like you....had that long vigil in the hospital...and had to stand..watch..be on your knees...and see that beautiful child slip away....we will pray that one day you will feel how blessed you were to be there when she was placed in your arms and heart...and was there when she went to her 'Forever Home'.....you have to know..that she would not leave you...unless she had to....please tell us your story....about your girl...her life ..her children...anything you want to relate....

Do you have a support family of family and friends....how are her children doing...her husband..

and most important...we do want to hear how you are doing ....Peace to you....

I lost my John David...he was 42....I am still in Pre-school on the grief path....it takes time...a lot of time....

[Mermaid Tears]

yes indeed Laurie....we do APPRECIATE you sharing of your research and learning and knowledge....you have shared so much that I have had a profound learning curve...on so many subjects...

[ericasmom]

Caty, what a terrible loss of Angie, we certainly understand your aching heart. Do the Grandkids have a Dad in their lives? How are they doing, hard times for them for sure. And the stages of grief for them will vary from the stages you face, everyone will need to grieve in their own time, never in a linear way. How is your Grandboy who is autistic? What confusion this must be for him. And Lord knows that a 16 year old girl already has so many hurdles, is there counseling going on for them?

I lost my 19 year old 10 years ago, so I know that those stages of grief are not linear, no you don't always see yourself in any one stage...shock, most definitely. I found that a layer of shock wore off when I hit the 3 month mark, and then every few months another layer seemed to fall away until about the one year mark, but each time a layer seemed to shed, I felt more raw and more vulnerable than ever. It is a long process and one must know that they will have to allow time to be a partner here. You will need to take very good care of YOU even when you might not want to, the kids need to see you as a good example here but also, your Daugher Angie would absolutely want her Momma to be as healthy as you can be, to stand where she no longer can. She is shining her light Caty, you will feel her energy in bits and pieces as you find your way. We are here.

[SamDsmom]

Caty,

I'm sorry about your daughter. I know right now words don't really mean a lot. It's been a little over 3 months since my Sam left us. I know that it helps to come here and read and vent. The people here are wonderful. Most of the time I feel lost and so very very sad. It changes all the time but the one thing that remains is the constant feeling of overwhelming sadness. Our worlds have been turned upside down. Lately I haven't felt like talking or posting but I know that people are here which gives me a little comfort. Please keep coming back here even when you don't feel like it.

Dee,

I loved the picture of little Erica. So beautiful.

I got a little break from the truck. Christmas and New Years. Financially it's a horrible time for us. So finding another place to stay is not really an option. I have been dealing with this a little better. Not sure it's real healthy but the major anxiety seems to be gone. (Today) I think it's more depression. I am going to the doctor in a few weeks so maybe some medication might be good. I also started making collages again. It is something I have done before that has always been therapeutic for me.

I want to find an attorney or someone to help me find out why the train did not stop when they saw the 200 lb. "bag of trash" in the tracks. (that phrase gives me chilld and nausiates and infuriates me. ) When I asked the railroad investigator what the protocol was for stopping for something in the tracks, I was told only that Sam was tresspassing and he wouldn't answer. Now when I try to contact them I am transferred to the legal department and sent to voice mail but no one returns my calls. So today I am going to do some research. Everyone I contacted before always told me to wait until the police completed their investigation. Most assumed it was suicide, which also infuriates me.

I hope everyone stays warm. We are in Kansas city headed to upstate Pennsylvania. The roads haven't been too bad.

Once again thank you to everyone here. I still feel a little selfish because I'm not quick to respond to everyone's posts. I hope that maybe one day I will feel more like giving back to others.

I got a new picture of two of my granddaughters yesterday and found another of my awesome Sam from when we went to Florida the summer before last.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....we are happy that your emotions have settled down...a little....it is a day by day existence on this grief journey...I call it 'coming up for air'....I find that my GRANDchildren bring me a breath of heaven...and yours look as if they do the same for you.....love that photo of your Sam...

I find that when I am 'creating'....I get a layer of normal....but that has always been the norm for me....when my hands are busy...my mind settles to a moderate 'speed'....

we are all finding our 'new normal'....good luck with your research...one word of warning...be very cautious..discerning...when contacting a lawyer....many on this site have been so 'wronged'...when the lawyer puts up the front that they are working on your behalf 'only'.....they are really only wanting to get whatever cash they can from the 'big boys'....it seems they are not in the corner of the parent to want to 'right the wrong'.....please travel safe...I see so many major roads have been closed due to the frigid weather and ice....

[Caty]

First thank you for your responses. A lot of good advice that is very much appreciated. Angie was married to a wonderful man. He was a late in life baby and an only child. Both parents have passed away (his father this past Sept). Also, he is from another state so no relatives here except my family which is small. My daughter was very open with my granddaughter, she knew it could end badly but up till a few weeks ago Angie had been doing very well. The little guy is high functioning and attends a school with an autism program. We weren't sure how much he comprehends but he has stated several times that his momma is dead - breaks my heart. Her husband and I are working together to try and keep things balanced while we figure out our new normal. The children are going to counseling and the son in law and I start this Thursday.

[Mermaid Tears]

Caty....it is a good thing...your SIL and you are working together...and have each other to hold onto and then the children have BOTH of you....it is exhausting...so please listen to Dee when she says to 'care for yourself'.....we call it 'self-care'....emotional grief can be so heavy...making one off balance...so....take time to rest...drink water...fruit....and the big problem I had to face was...'how to just 'say no'....to my social commitments..social events'.....so...Dee came to my rescue and gave me the 'know how' to simply say...'Not now, thank you'.....and I got my 'alone' time....I call it 'cocooning'.....and it made all the difference in my grief journey. Peace to you and yours.

[Sholl1955]

Caty, I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Angie. I too lost my daughter Sarah to Breast Cancer March 14th 2012. She was diagnosed at age 31 and died at 33. She too was doing well and preparing for reconstruction when it was found that it had metastasized and was stage IV. Things went downhill quickly. I feel that I know some of what you must have experienced while you watched your dear daughter be taken with this horrible disease. I am sure that you are still in shock as it has not been long. You have found the perfect site to come to, to share ANYTHING that is on your heart. There is no judgement, only love and support. The journey you have been forced to be on is a very hard one and a very long one, but those that are farther down this road help us see that things will get softer. One day at time and sometimes one minute at a time. Sometimes you may want to post, and sometimes you may just want to read. I have found comfort in the "read only" times when I am too weary to even put into words what I am thinking. Please also feel free to personal message me. I know that what you have experienced the last couple of months has taken so much from you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sandy

[mybeautifulgirl]

Catty, you are welcome here , All of us have lost a loved one in different circumstance and are at different stages in their grief journey. I lost my beautiful girl to liver disease as a result of a deteriorating transplanted liver in 1994. I understand the caring of someone who is ill . The constant hospital admissions, days sitting in a hospital , living with hope that all will be well. Meagan died under horrific circumstances in hospital , it was just awful. I still have visions of those last 24 hours . She had special needs so her understanding of what was happening must have been difficult for her. My heart aches as I realise I will never cuddle her again. Our love for each other was so deep.

I do try not to focus on the above but it is difficult. It is six months since she died and I am only now starting to "live" again .

Thinking of everyone here ! Hope you are all keeping warm.

We here in Australia are enjoying summer !

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...those icicles look lethal.....love your sparrow that came tapping..tapping....your girl sending some winter hello...