Loss of an Adult Child

[SamDsmom]

Dee,

It wasn't long ago that I was in the same place as your sister. The fear of losing a loved one to their addiction. I pray that they will be able to intervene soon. Ours was horrible. My daughter has packed up and left for Texas supposedly. But there is some peace in knowing that we did not let her walk out the door without trying. I have surrendered her to God. As it has been said, I have loved ones that want my love and attention. I have to focus on that and make sure my interactions are positive because you never know when it may be the last time we see each other.

Debbie

[shorty16]

My dear friends

I have an amazing true story.

Almost 1 month ago, Lisa's parents house burnt down. Lisa is a childhood friend of my son Brian.

Today, Lisa texted me the following...

This morning, my family went to a warehouse to salvage anything left after the fire. This picture is the only artwork I made that survived.

Lisa is an artist and this picture is a pencil on paper original. Brian, thanks for keeping Lisa and her family safe.

I am so humbled right now.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Colleen...if there was ever a 'sign' from the other side...that is one of them....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Prayers for all today...especially those who are carrying extra weight on their shoulders...

*********************************************

A Mother’s Grief

by Kelly Cummings

You ask me how I’m feeling,

but do you really want to know?

The moment I try telling you

You say you have to go

How can I tell you,

what it’s been like for me

I am haunted, I am broken

By things that you don’t see

You ask me how I’m holding up,

but do you really care?

The moment I start to speak my heart,

You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,

you see, friends no longer come around,

I’ll take the words I want to say

And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,

I guess they don’t know what to say

They told me I’ll be there for you,

then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,

that’s what everybody said,

But how can I call and scream

into the phone,

My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me

say the words I need to say

Why does a mothers grief

scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending

my heart hammers in my chest,

I say things to make you comfortable,

but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things

that are too sad to be told,

of the helplessness of holding a child

who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,

How should one behave,

who’s had to follow their childs casket,

watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine

what it was like for me that day

to place a final kiss upon that box,

and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,

and I believe you do,

if you really want to help me,

here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,

reach out and take my hand,

Say “My friend, I’ve come to listen,

I want to understand.”

Just hold my hand and listen

that’s all you need to do,

And if by chance I shed a tear,

it’s alright if you do too.

I swear that I’ll remember

till the day I’m very old,

the friend who sat and held my hand

and let me bare my soul.

–Kelly Cummings

12/8/03

******************************

Been reading a blog, "Grief One Woman's Perspective" put out by Rebecca Carney. She lost her son, Jason and his best friend, Alina, to a drunken driver over 10 years ago...this is her experience with her grief...

https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

"I worry about not being strong enough to handle what I need to handle or being able to do what I need to do to the best of my ability. You see, I have a hollow space in my life that nothing else can fill.

Most people are probably not even aware that it’s there. New people I’ve met don’t know my story and don’t know how Jason’s death impacted and changed me so greatly. They don’t know that I have a huge hole in my life. They don’t know that the “me” I am now is nowhere near as strong as the “me” that used to be before Jason died. People I’ve known for a long time assume that I’ve “healed” or perhaps filled that hole with other people or things. They would be wrong.

A child’s death leaves a hole in a parent’s life. That’s all there is to it. It gradually recedes out of public view as time goes by. But that doesn’t mean that it ever completely goes away. It doesn’t keep me from living my life, but it’s always there – sometimes closer to the surface than others.

I will always miss Jason. I will always feel like there is a space in my life where he should be, a life he should be living. I hold him close in my heart. I just wish I could also hold him close in person. I wish he were here instead of just a hole in my life where it seems he should be."

[ericasmom]

WOW! Colleen that is amazing, truly amazing. Magical and wonderful. Oh Brian, you are touching those you love with your protective heart.

Thanks Debbie for your input on the intervention. I can't change anyone here, just have to wait now and see what route they take...in any.

Thanks Lora, nothing good about heroin.

Laurie, thanks for sharing the poem and website.

Del if you are out there please stop in if you can. We think of you often and hope hope hope for goodness.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....how that hits home in the heart of so many parents...I have a story to share..in fact..two...when I have time to sort it out...bring comprehension..and piece it all together...I always 'write out' what I want to share in my mind...mull it around...wrangle the words...and I always find something else...(a memory tucked back) to add to it...

as I have related on this site....I don't have a circle of friends that have lost a child around me...and I knew...that no one would understand me now...that is why this site has been a life line in my life...

for some reason...I already had a knowing that I was going to change...was going to undergo a cataclysmic change....and I already had a knowing that no one would know how deep my grief would go....not even my own children...family....

weren't they the ones that kept telling me..'not to change'...

I knew I needed to find people that would know what I was going through...

and one night...I was looking something else up on the internet.....and...there was this site...

I will never..ever think it was a coincidence....

it was my lifesaver...helping me to come up for air....

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky..our Warrior Mom.....please let us know how you are doing....yuk..a broken ankle...right in the middle of Christmas....and we do know how your family needs you....

but for now.....sometimes...I think 'accidents' can be a positive thing....

am thinking your body was beginning to feel the two years of your deep grief...deep mourning...and those emotions can absolutely tear down the strongest person's immune system...in time....like how a small drip..drip..drip of water can hollow out a stone...in time...

am thinking your physical body was so..so strong...and with the load and valiant fight you have been fighting uphill....it finally....signaled...that it had to come to a complete rest and halt....

because you would not have done that for yourself....

the body itself...had the accident....

and now...you will be down for the count...and your amazing body will get it's much needed rest...

if you are a 'good girl' and stay down....healing will come....and you will be as good as ever....

....I am thinking that not only will your ankle heal....but you will get a lot of emotional healing, too...and that come only come with rest. Sleep is healing.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Colleen, that is amazing and what a beautiful picture of Brian, it would be great to have a digital copy of it by having it fully scanned...I am sorry about the fire for the parents of Lisa...one of my good friends had that happen to her childhood home, you lose not just things but the artifacts from your life...

**************************

Have been reading all the posts...just kind of down right now...

[SamDsmom]

Colleen, that is an amazing story. Those stories are what we need to hold onto right now. A friend shared something similar with me last night. Tomorrow might change for me but today I know our loved ones are in a much better place. I believe they send us signs and shower us with love at every turn.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...I think many of us are 'exhausted' ....I think we use up our allotted amount of adrenaline before 'the birthday'...the 'angelversary' and then every holiday....and then all the days in between...the burden is heavy til we learn to carry and balance it in our lives...and then we have our loved ones to care for also...we are so stretched. loved that poem...

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Del....we do hope all is well with you....I thought of you and Chip 'so much' on August 3rd...

and ....Randa and George use to live in Ft. Worth...and had so many friends there....they met their friends recently when they went to the State football High School game....and one of their friends, Mary lost a brother, too, on August 3rd.....she has 4 sisters and he was the only boy.....in our family...we had one girl and 5 boys.....small world.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. Shannon---- Such a nice way to honor your sweet Trista....with your dear Gramma. Yep----computers will make one want to pull their hair out! they ca n be a real challenge...especially if the one you have now is different from another one you had in the past. I'm finding that out to my distress, right now. I'm learning a bit every day, though. So sad that the cars sped by so fast, without even a glance. I guess that's the way it is. It takes moving a mountain to get any laws/highways changed to make them safer. Peace to you. Laurie----Lovely poem....so true. Thanks for posting it. Jenn-----I know what you mean about your sister...I , too, have one who is barely speaking to me....for some unknown reason. She's also barely speaking to my other sister, and we don't really know why. As you say.....you must just let it go and not get caught up in all of the negativity. Debbie---Lovely pics you posted. So cute! Thanks for posting. PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Does anyone know how to make the text color work for using in replies? I can't get it back for some reason.

[SamDsmom]

If you are using your phone or tablet, you have to go to the bottom of the page and click on full version.

[tanmanmymagicman]

that's awesome Colleen......I m sure very overwhelming..... I think I would of cried a bucket of tears ...because of the message you were given...... and how much you love and miss your Brian...... Christmas was exceptional this year.for our family...... so making progress......... I do so feel for the mothers here that have lost a child this past year.... but ... we learn alot as time or life does not stop for grief .......... the first year..... I did not learn a thing ... 6 years later I have learned not to dwell on my son s auto accident ; I have a much simpler life .... and I try to take care of me and what makes me happy.......Frankly i would of never though I could live after losing my son but we can and must for our remaining family.......I am Cindy Tanners mom he called me Mama Gama he was 16.......forever my much loved baby:)

[wgreenlee]

Just got on the internet. Been reading everyone's posts. Wish I could have been on the whole time to offer support. Praying for everyone.

Debbie,

Wish there was something I could say to get you through this, but I know you will see good eventually. I know that, because I wish the same thing for myself. It will happen for all of us "newbies." And all those who have been on this journey for longer, I know you still feel that pain, and I'm not sure how you deal with it. Ups and downs...sometimes like it was yesterday. But I also know that your words tell me that it will get better...not over...but better...and I take solace in that. Without being on here lately I see how it must be dealt with, not bottled up. Hard to say...even harder to do... Pictures...poems...memories flood back to you and sometimes just overwhelm the human system. The support on this site is like a tune-up...just helps us run a little better.

Got a message on FB tonight that Brooks was added to his HS Memorial page. More memories I wish I could just shut out and erase, but now it's there for an eternity...

Guess I need a tune-up. Traveling again tomorrow. Good to visit with friends and family, but I'm tired. Don't want to talk too much with them about everything cuz the memories come back so raw, but I am fortunate to have support. I so wish that were true for everyone else. Makes me angry to see that some of you don't have that completely. Renea is opening up with my mom so that's been good, but I just can't do it without crying and I don't want to do that. Needed to get on here.

Going to get below zero on Sunday again. Wanna get back to Carson where it's warm...and also to see Brooks. Not sure why that means so much to me, but it does, so I will be happy when I get home.

Love to all...Thought I'd share a beautiful pic of the National Anthem before one of Brooks' games.

Love and prayers to all...

[SamDsmom]

Wade,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am glad you had a good holiday with your family. The new picture is beautiful. I know Brooks is looking down so proud of you and Renae. As I've read here so many times, it is so important to do things that would make our kids proud. I love the way you have memorialized him by your kindness and actions.

I think sometimes I so desperately search for someone or something to make me feel better and realize that no one or nothing can make that happen.

I am looking at options for staying here. Jack leaves for Dallas on Tuesday. Right now I am very limited. After my daughter and husband got into it on Christmas day, he told me he couldn't do this any more. She showed up high and was very disrespectful to all of us during our ceremony for Sam. Jack told her to leave. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. Now he's mad because I didn't stand up to her. I really just wanted her to go away.

I feel like I am in a cloud, watching all these crazy, highly dysfunctional people who have no idea that I am alive. It's like a really bad movie. I scream at them to stop but they won't listen. And for some reason everytime it ends up being my fault. My sister's son, his wife and their new baby are here visiting from Japan so she doesn't have room for me. My ex husband is an option, but I don't think that would be a wise move. He seems to be my biggest support right now and the only one who understands. Of course that makes sense considering the circumstances.

I want so much to make Sam proud of me by the decisions I make. So far it doesnt seem like anything has been about him. That makes me angry. I so wanted Christmas to be my chance to focus family and Sam. I believe the birth of the Christ child is why I will have the opportunity to see him again.

Thanks for letting me vent again.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Cindy...thanks for sharing....for those that are farther ahead on the grief path....you are the ones that wave to us....waving us on....

still...it is a very hard path in this foreign land...we stumble..we lag....we re-trace our steps and make no progress....we fall to our knees...we carry a very, very heavy grief load...some days...we just stop in our tracks...and wait for a second wind to come...sometimes we make camp on the path....and stay there for a long time...til our hearts have enough energy to make some progress...this is not a race...or a marathon...we can take as much time as we want....

for there is no finish line on this path....we are simply the ones that have started this grief journey...

there are those...like you..and many that have graciously and generously have stayed on this path for us early hikers....to give us your words of care...and let us know we do not travel this alone...as my Grama said many times...'If there is One...there is Some'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....we all hope your travels will be safe....and we hope your heart had a 'little time out' with your family....I just wanted to share this with you.....til this day....I cannot start 'certain' conversations without the sob coming from my heart to my throat....I simply cannot talk without tears.....

When my adult children call on the phone and there is that 'one' word that opens that door....then there is my silence....they know....I simply can't talk....

I don't know when I will cross that bridge ...I don't know how long it will take til I can have that composure...

When they are with me....there can be some talk of John David that comes naturally....like at Christmas we were gathered in the kitchen and we 'talked' about how he taught me to cook certain things...and I can be very much 'at home' with that.....

I really don't know now...what can set me off...or what I can or cannot see or say....sometimes it just comes so quick..just a rush of grief....it surprises even me....and knocks the wind out of me...it is still unnatural that he is 'gone'....I am still immature about it all....I have not reached that point of 'acceptance'.....

I know one day I will....but not now....this grief is mine...I am not that far on the path....for there is still that one part in each day...'I just want my boy back'.....I am in the Pre-school class of grief...

[Mermaid Tears]

Deb...we all hope you can find a way to help you with your healing and grief...let us hear..for we do care...

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...just wanted to stop by and Share a few pictures from our Christmas. ..it was a day filled with gratitude, longing, sharing, remembering and sharing. Tears were shed, but we know that the tears help us to heal. We had egg nog and cookies like always...I have a beautiful egg nog story to share, but I will do that later. I share these pictures because I know that you all understand how important this process is...you understand more than anyone else. You all were 8th my thoughts and prayers and I hope you all felt surrounded by the sweetest of spirits...your own beautiful child...The remembrances....mike's middle son Kameron (16)

[daveydow1]

Debbie--- thanks for your input. I use only my desktop computer for posting. Still can't figure out how to get color back, or lines spacing, unless format may have been changed when I was off BI due to old computer problems. Haven't been able to do color, or line spacing since coming back to BI with new computer. Cindy--Tannersmom-------So glad to see your post. I agree with you that it can be a good thing to simplify one's life after the devastation of losing a beloved child, and the way that it throws us into a life-changing tailspin of confusion, and heartbreak. I've tried to simplify, and it does help. Colleen---What a touching story about the drawing of your dear Brian, and the girl finding it. Thanks for posting it. Wade----Yes, after a number of years, the pain of losing a child does get softer. I've been here, along with Dee, for 10 yrs. and have found that there is more understanding here than with the general population.....sometimes even those closest to us don't really get it. As you say.....there are many ups & downs to contend with, and lots of crying along the way. Keep coming to BI and post/read as you are able. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

PS: just to explain....I am doing this post from my phone which is less than optimal...I really wanted to speak to you individually but I can't do that so easily on the phone because it is more difficult to go back and forth (I usually do that to refresh my memory as I am posting.) Hoping i will get my PC out of the shop later today...wound up having to get a new hard drive after all...grrrr! But at least they were able to save all my files/pictures. Love to all of you. SHERRY...IT'S NOT YOUR COMPUTER...KATE AND I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM. sometimes I can do some paragraphs by spacing ahead but otherwise not. We can't do colors or font changes either. Love seeing you posting again.

[daveydow1]

Carol--------I think we posted at the same time. Such nice pics. Looks like the dogs were enjoying the holidays as much as the family. I expecially like the pic with Ralph's picture. Bittersweet emotions, to be sure. Hoping that you are doing ok, friend. As I've posted.....being off BI for a number of weeks/months due to being blocked out of the BI site has made me feel a bit 'lost', but am getting back in the swing of it now. I hope that your PC will be fine when you get it back and all set up again. Computers can cause a multitude of troubles when trying to access sites, and many other problems too. Wishing peace to you and all your family.-

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carol, it is lovely to see your posts and pics...what dog is the black and white one? I thought I remembered the other one was Lucy...(memory is not so good these days)

Sherry, I missed your posts, it is good to see you back online...mastering a new computer is sometimes hard to do...missed your "Grrrrrs" I have had a few of them myself...get something entirely typed in, hit the wrong thing and its gone...

Cindy, thank you for stopping in and encouraging us all...it was very sweet of you...

Wade, thank you for sharing the picture of Brook's baseball team and the lovely view of the mountains behind the field...hope things go soft when you arrive back home, know how it can be when you first go away somewhere and then come back...

Debbie, keep posting, you are in some rough waters for sure...but praying that you will find the path that is the needed way for you to go, you will know in your heart of hearts...but it helps to have somewhere to vent as we find our way...

[ericasmom]

Carol, so nice to see the images that were your holiday this year. A season for remembering and finding joy in the moment. You look great as do the kids and pups.

Cindy, good to see you again after so long a time. Glad that you touched us with your wishes. How nice to give encouragement to those here as newbies. I remember when you came and how adamant you were about how you would never be able to make it...and here you are. The last time we saw you I remember your feeling stronger and that you were simplifying your life. Three cheers to you for the work it takes to do so. Are you still working as an accountant?

Debbie, the addiction thing can really rock a family can't it? My sis is very defensive now with everyone because she feels that we all want answers from her...but we don't. Who would expect answers, we just want she and her Son to know that we support them and hope that he will go into rehab. It is a sad sad affair. I am wishing you the very best that you can have in all of this. I do hope you can stay home near those you love, somewhere where you can just be for a while.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I really don't know now...what can set me off...or what I can or cannot see or say....sometimes it just comes so quick..just a rush of grief....it surprises even me....and knocks the wind out of me...it is still unnatural that he is 'gone'....I am still immature about it all....I have not reached that point of 'acceptance'.....

I know one day I will....but not now....this grief is mine...I am not that far on the path....for there is still that one part in each day...'I just want my boy back'.....I am in the Pre-school class of grief...

I am very much at the point you are Susan.

For me it has been really tough in the mornings...the first thoughts that hit my barely awake mind...the process of coming to grips with this reality that has been thrust upon me...

This holiday, I have found myself avoiding many of my friends, those with whom my children grew up with...it is more than I can bear right now...they have no idea how a fraction of a second can change your entire future. However neither would I want them to know...how can you share on FB, oh yeah, the day after Christmas I went to the cemetery to see my firstborn son [iNSERT SCREAM HERE]...who wants to hear that...

I feel so angry so much of the time, at everything, stupid Ms. Rupnow for killing my son, what my life is now, how my son suffered, and on and on the list goes...until I reach night and I can finally shut off for a while...that is unless I have nightmares...

I wish I could post a sunnier post, but this is where I am honestly. I am unsure where the path is right now...I think I will do as Susan says, and just camp out where I am...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, sorry missed your post. getting someone into rehab is so difficult, and even then, the person addicted still has to make the choice to get better...

Would it be a possibility to go with your sister to some kind of support meeting, like the Alanon (I think the is a Narcotics version) so she can learn how addiction has affected the whole family...my mom still reads the blue Alanon book...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and your nephew would see what he has do to get better...but know that in real life that change is often difficult. My older sister was the youngest one admitted on the Methadone Clinic in Milwaukee many years ago, I often felt it was a mistake for this program to be administered in the manner it was. That they just kept handing out the methadone to the same people for years instead of encouraging a real treatment program...

Prayers for your sis...

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

Just want to say, I hear you and so understand. It is so unfair that the person responsible continues to breathe.

Dee, I think the thinkAlanon thing is a great idea. They have meetings here in Monday and I plan to attend. They also have online support that I have been checking into. I know in the past I have sometimes been defensive because as a mother of a child with an addiction I felt responsible. Always wondering what I could have done different. Did I spoil her too much? Did I not love her enough? I have moved way beyond that now. She makes her own choices and has her own consequences. I just pray that one is not death. But just saying that I know these thoughts can make a person defensive. I am praying that your sister gets the help she needs to move on. That is a very low place to be.

Typing on a smart phone or tablet can be tricky. Sometimes my smartphone thinks it is way smarter than me.

[Jeff's Mom]

I have not posted for a few days now but have been reading. I have however been reading the posts... but time did not allow for any reply. I have been thinking of everyone and how your last few days were going. Carol, so nice to see your pics. Your little Lucy is just a doll! I also loved the picture of Ralph by the basket of cards. All of your photos turned out so nicely. And Sherry...so very good to see you back. We have all missed you so much. I hope that your holiday was a good one. My troupe left yesterday for a long drive back through into an Alberta clipper. I had a message from him last night at 1:30a.m. that they had pulled into Medicine Hat for the night. It is approximately a three hour drive from there to Calgary. I would much prefer it if he flew, but they insist in driving as they have so much to lug with two little girls that believe in Santa. We had a wonderful visit. The girls were so excited and it was amazing how quickly the time flew by. Today we are experiencing another bad weather system that is supposedly to last for the rest of the week bringing bitterly cold Arctic air. The positive thing is that we have decided to go to Banff for some time while the kids stay with us and we can have a great visit. We will most likely wait until spring when the weather is better and Ross is feeling more up to it. I have been thinking of you all and sending warm wishes over this holiday period. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...there is just despair in every corner for the family when it comes to drugs..addiction..and it touches everyone in that family...a different touch for each...but so felt. The fear is behind every word and thought...the fear..the 'what if'....it is like a person is tied to a tree...and watch a toddler walk off a cliff. Privacy Laws can really tie a families hands to that tree....and render them helpless.

It is hard to live...and hard to watch.

I so relate Laurie....I think I will camp out on the grief path for awhile....I feel paralyzed....on the morning of the 26th....my first thought was...'Thank Goodness...Christmas is over'....I was so exhausted....and my Grief came back so strong and hard...you would have thought John David had died the week before...just that raw. I do know why.....I did not 'self-care'.....I went the 'extra mile'....and I was running on empty...no wonder I was depleted.....because our family has been on the road with all the football play-off games every week-end...Austin in the play in San Antonio...and then I hosted both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...many people to host...and family...consumed by a very, very heavy sadness....

I have to simplify....I have to....my Dad use to use this phrase...'get things down to a common denominator'......now how I am going to do that is beyond me right now....but at least I have enough sense to know that is what I need to do for myself..to survive...instead of exist.

I have moved myself back to square one....I think this is normal...just being human.

Dee....how was your second Christmas ?

[Jeff's Mom]

It is just so hard to work with addicts and not get involved. You are right Susan that it creeps into all areas of a persons life. Jeff worked with many people that fought addiction and he tried very hard to help give them support. But the ones that help can also become drawn in and go down the path into depression when they feel they have failed. I remember mentioning a man that Jeff had given many chances to get himself cleaned up. The guy took him for granted. Finally he had to read him the riot act. I honestly think this fellow thought Jeff would not follow through...but he did...he had too. And he finally fired him. The man in despair took a room in a horrible hotel and killed himself. Jeff blamed himself for that. We talked cold turkey to him and told him that ultimately he was the master of his own fate. That this man had to take responsibility for his own life and he could not be coddled forever. There were two men that entered his office looking for work during his time there that he personally knew. One was a doctor that ad lost his license and had lived in our area. His sons played hockey with our boys. He had hit the skids. The family threw him to the dogs. Another man had a similar story. The battle with their addiction had won over and their family came a long way down the line in their priorities to get the next fix. They had worked so hard to build a good life, but oh boy... did it ever go south fast. They never could kick it. It is a terrible thing to watch someone sink into a life such as that. What a shame. What a waste. Having said that there were also many, many positive situations that he told us of. People who worked hard to fight their addiction and moved on to live positive happy lives. It is up to the person to want it enough. Nobody can do it for them. There are people there to help them but they have to do the work and want it badly enough.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Addiction is so very hard. My family has had such a struggle and I know that it will be an ongoing 'forever' thing. One day at a time is all that can be done. We picked my Dad and his wife up at the homeless shelter on Christmas day so they could have Christmas dinner with family. We served no alcohol on Christmas out of respect and in support of them. My Grandma did bring a bottle of wine to have for New Years. We realized after they left that it was missing. We had even put it back in one of the bedrooms so it would be out of sight. At some point they found it. It is such a hard thing.

These past few days have been so hard. I have been in a time warp. It feels this 'holiday' has lasted for weeks. Yesterday was the worst panic attack I've had for a long time. It lasted for hours. My Gram and Sis were here and they helped along with my husband to get me through it but it just wouldn't stop. Last night was such a low point and I relate completely to what Susan and Laurie are talking about. I feel sometimes like I'm doing really badly but then when I try to push myself to do better I end up pushing myself right into a panic. I think I just need to "camp out" for awhile too. Yesterday was one of those days that I just thought I might not make it another minute. I did and I know I will but I don't know how. It's been said there is no map and that is so true. I have no words for the place I've been but I know you all understand. I am lost right now and I don't how I'm going to do this. I feel I'm just barely hanging on.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon and others on this grief path....yes....we can camp out and just cover ourselves in the tent....and wait...really....this is not a marathon to get to the finish line....we can just stop and rest and think and remember and cry and sob and let the mourning be our friend...

we will not win any prizes for running the best race on this path....

we have this 500 lb. grief backpack strapped to us....and that is why we struggle...

....we are trying to learn how to carry our child...

the child of grief....and carry them in our new world...

we are so brave...to face the holidays in fashion and grace...

maybe that is too dramatic for many to understand....so I will simply say....

for me...I am trying to learn to face the day today...the day after tomorrow...the day after the day after tomorrow...without John David....

Kate...thank you for sharing your story of addiction and how you know it impacts so very many...and it does not have any boundaries....and how your sweet boy had to deal with it....it does make every friend and loved one feel guilty...in it's insidious..evil way....

Shannon....am so glad your Grama is with you....and also...I have not mentioned it...but so happy your husband has found some firm footing....it took your 'tough love' to bring that to the front....

[Steve s mom]

My son also worked to help those with addictions for a while he was in adddiction counseling ,while he was working on his degree .when he died he was just short of getting his phd in psychology.i guess he got into that because of his own psychological problems he always sufferered from depression .i never understood why .he never saw the wonderful person he was ,he always thought he had to be better and live up to some idealized goals of his own making that no one could achieve.his fathers side of the family came with a long history of alcoholism and addictions,I guess that's why he was drawn to help with that.he helped many people and even friends thinking he could cure them,he even let some stay with him thinking he was helping them only yo have them betray him ,steal from him ect....addiction is a very bad disease

And he really believed on the premise it is a true disease ,he was interested in and worked for a while in the treatment of especially opiate addiction thru psychiatric care and medication not methadone programs but other medications used in private practice to treat opiate addictions the thought was there was a brain defect if you may believe that the addicted had receptors that didn't work right and these medications could help by blocking those effects .methadone does that as well but those type of programs have their own set of problems.anyway he believed in the good in those addicted and that their problem was not a behavior choice but a real disease.so anyone here who have family members with addiction maybe see if they will benefit not only from rehab type treatments but genuine psychiatric care if they are willing.i am not sure what I think about that but he seemed to think it helped people,that's what he was trying to do.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Poems from John F. Connor site...

http://poemsbyjohnfconnor.com/letter-to-heaven.php

[Jeff's Mom]

I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I guess what I am trying to convey is that this is not a Hallmark Movie. Life on the street is HARD. It has a language of it's own. When a person falls into an addiction situation they lose the very core of who they are. The addiction takes over. People that are trained are there to help them. However, often people in families, etc, think that the system are there to take over. Wake up call. The system does not exist to the extent that we need it too. The level of help is just not there. I agree that more "Government Funding" is needed to be put into place to provide legitimate programs for addicts. Families need to take responsibility and not walk away. My son also suffered from depression. Another silent killer. He worked his buns off to help everyone. And I would hope that those he did help knew how much he cared. The addicts need to know that the caregivers "DO" care. That it is not just a low paying job. That they have people who are working on their behalf. I would hope they would meet them half way. Those who walk away do so of their own accord. In the end we are all responsible for our own life. It is up to them to decide how much they want this. It's about their own choices. Like all diseases if you refuse the help... the outcome is of your own making.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I think there are people who are placed in this world to help the suffering....they often suffer themselves...I read a little on Mother Teresa and her work in India...I read how she entered the dark night of the soul while trying to help others who had no hope...

So often I have read a common theme, that so many young ones that passed on before their time seemed older than their years, kinder, gentler...and often walked to a different beat...they were their own person...

I have been pondering on this very idea...and struggle with it as well...

[Mermaid Tears]

yes...to Steves mom...Kate...and Laurie....we and I ponder...wonder...

we go between the lines...

we go below the lines...

and all that is written...thank each of you for sharing...for in sharing...we learn...and we learn the most important...is that we are not alone...in pondering...or wondering....or questions beyond our circle of understanding....it is ok...to ask....it is ok....not to know....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate and Steves Mom,

I've read what you both have written and how wonderful it is that both Jeff and Steve made it part of their lives to help others. I just wanted to share a little of our story. My husband has struggled all his life with his addiction. He tries, sometimes having years clean but always would fail. After I finally enlisted the help of my father in law, who is a doctor, we got a treatment program that focused on dual diagnosis. His addiction issues were addressed but he also underwent an extensive diagnostic period. We found that he has a dual diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and OCD. We were told that a person with addiction issues and a diagnosis like this has almost zero chance of ever staying clean with out proper medication for the underlying condition and continued therapy. The change since he has been working with his doctors is dramatic. We have hope. I know that 'addiction' is very different in every person. I see that in my own family when looking at my husband, my dad, and my brother. The one thing I have never done is give up. I have, for my own sanity, drawn a line in the sand. I have set boundaries but they all have always known that if and when they are ready for help I will do all I can do to help them.

The treatment that husband got, with his step father's backing, was very different than any treatment he ever got before or the treatment my dad has gotten in the various programs he has been in. Those places, many times, are a revolving door. I'm not a professional but I agree that we need more people who really care in these places. We need more funding so that people are truly getting proper diagnosis and the individualized help that they need. We need professionals who care enough to 'follow up' after they walk out the door.

[ericasmom]

Right-On Shannon and All those commenting on addiction. Kate and Maryanne, your Sons did such fine work in assisting those whose lives were affected by addiction. I do feel that the underlying illness needs to be treated and often can be if the patient is willing to go through therapy, a lot of therapy to find the reasons for the depression or the cause of the OCD...whatever the underlying issues are, so that even with rehab, without the ongoing therapy that helps one discover the reasons for events in their lives, it cannot be as effective. Laurie, thank you for the poems and the good thoughts.

Going to sleep soon, thinking of you each as you find your way to bedtime, may you sleep sweetly.

[Guest]

 .

[Steve s mom]

Wade ,

I had read your entry and wanted to respond .i too know how hard it is to see our child's name in the memorial section.i agree it is sad but also can be comforting knowing people remember our children and care.the transplant organization that my son's organs is very good about remembering and honoring the donors and supporting their families.they have had several ceremonies and remember not only their death and their gift of life to others but also celebrate their life .the worst fear I have is of Steve being forgotten.

When he was in the hospital for the 8 days while he was dying many of his graduating class came to visit him,he went to a small private school and his class was only 10 people . 7 of the classmates and friends came to visit him some from as far away as Virginia, DC and even Korea .they brought year books and things to remember the times they spent with him ,it was like there high school reunion was spent in his room there.they talked to him ( although he was not conscious) like they always had as friends not like the rest of us spoke to him as someone who was likely dying soon.they joked with him ,told stories of things they had done ,even played music for him and spent time with him as a friend I hope he could hear them I believe he could ,I am sure it made him happy to have them there.it was nice to know that people cared so much for him.one friend even stayed over all night some nights to keep him ompany so I could run home for a few hours and take care of his grand mom ,otherwise I stayed there with him around the lock for 8 days.one of his friends wrote a eulogy for his funeral ,I didn't even think of that ,I couldn't even plan anything and made a cd of a song to play there that was his favorite.we had a private funeral I really didn't want anyone there except a few family members and that 1 close friend.i regret that now but I couldn't deal with anything more at that time.

As hard as it is memorials make us aware that death is real ,and that it' s not just a bad dream ,and there's no hope that we were wrong and that they were ok and coming back.but it is comforting to know people remember them and that they are not forgotten.

If we can it's nice to rejoice in the memories of who they were and not just dwell on their loss and that they now are gone.i also find that that is very hard to do.try if you can to rejoice in the memory of your wonderful son Brooks and take comfort in the fact that he will never be forgotten

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom...thank you for sharing...what you wrote is very moving..and you are so right...we don't want our children defined by their death...but of their life...

this is one of those learning curves on this grief path...some of us just can't see past the sorrow...as yet....but we will see some daybreak somewhere on this path...

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....am happy that a ray of sunshine is coming through the cracks in your broken heart...that your husband is receiving the 'help' he so needs to rise above his struggles with his addiction....and you are so right....a 'one size fits all' in treatment can help...but not cure for each person is so unique.

Kate and Steve's Mom....your sons were Angels even on earth...

Lora...I so relate...when you said your were forever changing to adapt to this 'life without the child'...I guess it is us trying to adjust to the heavy burden of grief...which we now carry...always trying to adjust it...we carry it in our arms...on our back...sling it to our hips....but more...in our hearts...I guess that is why some days I feel so out of balance...

[ericasmom]

Many years ago, I think it was Trudi, or Carol, who said that they did not want their Child known and remembered by his death but by his life. Oh the life. And of course the death is something we all remember, in those first years it is in the front part of our memory, but as we do what Lora and Maryanne have talked of here, as we find ways to adjust and acclimate, we find the memories of the LIFE have more room in the front of our memories, in the hole of our hearts...

Maryanne, the friends who came from all around to help set Steven free sounds much like our 6 days in the hospital with ERi as she lay dying. I do believe she hung out so that everyone who wanted or needed to be present, had time to get there. There is magic in loss, not always what anyone wants to hear but I saw a great deal of Erica magic.

It is cold here, just as Kate said, that Canadian front is whisking through our territory and the winds are strong. The Bears vs Green Bay here in Chicago will be a very cold game, with wind chills in the single digits by game's end. We had 50 degrees yesterday. I prefer real winter to those days when the temps rise so high as my body cannot make the temperature adjustments well.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I woke up this morning, alone. My husband had taken the boys to Zak's Gramma's (my first husband's Mom) for her Christmas. He let me sleep because I haven't been doing much of that. For a moment, I panicked at being alone. I haven't been alone at all for awhile with the holiday. Then I had just an instant of relief when I remembered Trista didn't go with them, just for an instant, she was here in the house... sleeping in her room. Then reality hit. I have less of those moments now... where I forget that she's not here, but they still come. I am still adjusting to this reality, still figuring out how to live without my Girl and sometimes even denying the reality completely. These are the times I wonder if I'm doing badly or if we all have these moments.

When I read about each of Children here I see the beautiful Souls. I 'see' a light that shined from each of them. Trista was described exactly that way by her closest friends... An Angel. Each said she arrived in their lives just when they needed her, at a crossroads for them and that she helped guide through. Trista left so suddenly that there was no time for anyone to say goodbye, to gather around her but we all gathered here. For two weeks, no one left. Her friends stayed with the family and for two weeks we shared stories and memories. Many of us felt that she was 'here' with us during that time. I hope she was and she heard the words that were spoke of her. I hope she knows, in her small circle, she changed lives.

Yesterday we planted her tree. It's just small right now but we will watch it grow. There was a writing she did, I think I talked about it before, where she wrote about all the things people around her were concerned with... relationships, parties, clothes, money, etc... and the last line was "All I want to do is plant a tree". We are thinking of a small plaque near the tree, with just that line and her name.

Trista, you never got the chance to plant your tree but we did it for you, Baby Girl. I love you so much. Love, Mom

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I often think that the ones with the beautiful soul are taken. I tell everyone that it had to be so beautiful on the other side for Cara to leave us, so many of us needed her and counted on her. Life is can be so unfair. So many unanswered questions and sometimes relying on faith is hard when you child is not here on this earth. I am constantly changing things up in my life in order to continue to develop tools to survive this lifetime journey.

These are so much my thoughts as well...I never thought I would have to endure a second child death and lose both of my son's...

For me, I feel like I am frozen in time...sometimes I think doing something entirely different would be good...but then the severe panic hits...I do not want to be in public when this happens...just where I am I guess...I think there is a need for "retreat" when something this intense hit...I believe it is part of an automatic response...just like the body goes into shock and shuts down to allow for healing, on some level this happens when our soul is severely wounded...at least that is how it has been for me....I cannot say this is for everyone since each is an individual on this journey...for my daughter and husband, their jobs have been a very good tool with helping them along...

So....I had viewed this NDE from a young girl a while ago...I will let the girl tell her own story...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

From Laurie's post:

For me, I feel like I am frozen in time...sometimes I think doing something entirely different would be good...but then the severe panic hits...I do not want to be in public when this happens...just where I am I guess...

This very much how I feel too.

Thank you, Laurie, for sharing that video. I needed that today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....amazing...that looks just like a 'Trista Tree'....

Laurie...thanks for sharing that video.....

I guess we all try to think of 'somewhere' to go

...or 'something' else to do...

but first....I will have to start by wanting to leave my home....

this 'cocooning' is normal I suppose...