Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Woke up this morning to a fantastic day. Beautiful warm weather for us. Today's high a lovely 0C. Now that more like it.

Jan...sounds very warm to me. Is that the norm for your summers? I imagine it's a dry heat.

Dee...thank you for your poem. As always it rings true and goes straight to the heart.

Shannon...how are you today? As everyone mentioned it is so good to see you back. One day at a time it will slowly start to lift. Go easy on yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

TBear...I agree it helps to read words rather then just seeing that someone agrees. And yes, you will always be Nicks dad. That is never going to change.

Wade...thanks for sharing your pics of Brooks with Renea. A good looking pair! To me deer are one of the most gentle of creatures. I remember one year looking out of our bedroom window to see a young buck with his head resting on the edge of a bird feeder. He was munching away on oiled sunflower seeds. My he was beautiful. I feel a sense of peace when I visit the site where Jeff is. It is so important for me to be able to go to a place that I feel I can connect. I can't begin to count the number of times we have now visited. We never fail to come home feeling a sense of peace.

Who mentioned the Velveteen Rabbit? Oh wow, does that ever bring back memories. Does anyone remember the Mr. Men books? My granddaughter is into Nancy Drew and the Clue Crew. Even at five she can't seem to get enough of those stories. My son is kept busy reading to her nightly.

We headed into the city yesterday to check out the new Ikea store. It was huge. We did not stay long as Ross tired easily and I could see he was not really interested. Ran a few errands and grabbed a quick bite to eat. It is so nice to be out and about again now that the weather is so much nicer. I'm thinking of everyone and hoping your day is a decent one. Kate

[Tbearw58]

I also have some photos of him in his group

 

[SamDsmom]

I have no eloquent words. I have no hope. I am stuck in a deep muddy hole. I try to scratch my way out but the sides cave in around me. I try to be happy, have a good day, smile at strangers and pretend that everything is going to be ok. I sometimes have the faith in Jesus Christ that everything will be revealed and I will see Sam in heaven but sometimes that doesn't matter because I begin to doubt everything I believe in. I don't want to kill myself because I have to be responsible to everyone else who is left. I hate self pity. I could have been a better mother. I could have been a better person. I could have been there and maybe he wouldn't have gone. I see no hope. I sit here in Mcdonalds, drinking coffee, typing, crying. People stare at me but I know they dont care. People who know me don't want to hear it or care. Poor me. I get so wrapped up I forget what it is about for a couple of seconds then it rushes back...my baby is gone forever it is a spiral. MY Sam is gone. I'm finished before it starts at the beginning and repeats its self.

[Mermaid Tears]

FYI......all those 'teens' grew up to be outstanding Adult Children....

although when they were 'teens' many of us parents would shake our heads and 'wonder' about them.....

   now when they are with me....they tell me 'stories' that I never knew....am sorta glad about that...I probably would have gone 'white haired' ...if I had known....priceless...

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....the sun is shining this morning in my part of Texas....first sunshine we have seen for a few days....and I wish that I could sit with you as you drink your coffee...and just listen to you...but the screen in front of me will have to do.....

   many will relate to your feeling that the sides are falling down on you....and really....they are...and that is a very normal feeling...for that is simply grief falling down around you....and self pity is also a normal feeling....it is the 'what if'.....each parent on this site....and all parents that have lost that child has a zillion thoughts of the 'what if'.....for the core of a parent is to protect that child....and somehow we in our deep and profound love for that child think we have super human powers....and by the sheer force of our love....we can protect them from ANYTHING that could harm them...

   That is simply not true....we simply do not have that kind of control or super human powers. We are simply ...human...with a super human love for our children.

   Every thought and feeling you have now....we have, too. That is the common ground in the grief journey. We can all relate. You do know...that if you harm yourself...think of the grief your children will endure. Remember what I told you....to please wrap a warm soft blanket around yourself..give yourself a measure of comfort....and go ahead and cry. Tears are what our bodies produce to give us an outlet for the grief inside.

    You will have to keep practicing 'self care'....for you have a lot of 'issues' on your plate besides your mourning.

   What you said yesterday about your daughter having brain damage from her drug use....you are probably right and I am not saying she does....there are drugs out there that do alter the chemical balance in the brain...forever. There is no pill in the Doctor's bag to reverse it...it is beyond sad....the drugs these days are very complicated and combined...making them very lethal..and super addictive.

So many innocents out there just 'trying them out'....and there is no way to make the clock go backward.

   You say you have 'no one' that is giving you support or what you need....in your family....well...give yourself what you need. A parent will go to the ends of the earth to try to give their child their heart's desire....of course.....think of it like this.....remember when you wanted that puppy for your 10th birthday...and did not get it....well...give it to yourself NOW.  Or....the time you wanted a new pair of shoes...and you didn't get them....give them to yourself NOW. I think more adults need to give themselves what they need and want...instead of waiting around thinking 'Prince Charming is going to come and give it to them'.....I have so many friends that stand around starving....in front of a table full of food....waiting for someone to serve it to them...I have to remind them....to help themselves. If you can...just start out small...a book, magazine, pedicure...candy...and give it to yourself. There are so many books on the market that can relate to the grief you are experiencing...I read every book I could get my hands on...and I knew that no one was experiencing the kind of grief I had...for no one but me was John David's Mama...and no one could really help me....but me. The only ones that really understood what I was feeling were the parents on this site. My husband's grief was so deep I could not reach his....my grief was so deep he could not touch mine....it was as if we were too sick to care for each other. This is a time to be very kind and gentle....to yourself.

[Tbearw58]

SamDsmom

what you have just writen I feel I sit and the waves come crashing over me the walls are closing in my Nick is gone never to return and come home why I am afraid , helpless, no hope for a happy life ahead. How can this be happening I ask a thousand times a day why why  why I am afraid it hurts so much how can anyone make it with this much pain. I can still see him going out the door that night saying I will be back but he did not come back. I love Nick and hurt that I can no longer hug him and hear him say love you to dad. The wife does not help me with my grief she just says you have to stop thinking about it and try to think of the good things. I cant find any good things my Nick is dead and nothing good will come of that. I cant belive she can be that way it seems cold to me. I am going to try compasionet friends to see if I can find some support here. But I don't know. I feel lost, alone, helpless, trapped in a loop of Nick is dead and it repeats over and over in my head along with why why why, how how how, could I have done something to stop it was there something  anything this hurts deap and it seems never ending in every waking hour of the all the days. I beg and cry hopeless please make this not be true let me have my Nick back oh how can this be happening. My days are putting on a fake face for everyone else and going through the motions but inside the grief is all consuming and totaly holding my sole.

[tobyfreefoot]

susan--shannon's mom--for some reason this site kept popping up when i was putting in something else so decided i was 'spose to check in.  ironically i had been thinking about you lately.  you know we are about at the same point.  i always remember the video you posted.  i'm so sorry everything is so f'd up.  i can relate.  when i read they found you at the cemetery i just felt like crying which is different than my usual numb state.  love to you.  hoping if nothing else you can get some closeness with your other daughter

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen,

Good to see your post today. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

To all who have found themselves in a dark, dark place... unable to see a way out, many of us have experienced this it seems in one way or another, on different levels, but I understand completely the thoughts that grief can cause. I went to that place over the holiday. I felt so lost, and such deep despair that I came dangerously close to wanting to give up. I'm very glad that those of us who have been to the edge are here to tell about it. For me, I am now trying to focus on the devastation my Boys and others would feel if they lost me too, either physically or emotionally. I also think about that reunion with my Girl. When that happens I want to see pride in her eyes. I know, no matter what I accomplish... a lot, a little or nothing at all... every day that I at least make the attempt to 'be' she is proud. We all have different circumstance, different things that drive us, but we all understand this pain. I think our Children are smiling on us today and everyday and surrounding us with their love in all the ways they can.

I saw this today and wanted to share it.

I'm not in a place of moving forward yet. I'm in a place of sitting, resting, learning. I'm still very much in the dark. I used to be afraid of being in the dark. Now, not as much. The light is a place of action, of doing, and moving, creating. In the dark is where discoveries are made, hearts and spirits are healed, wisdom is gained. It's the place to rest before the light, before the action, before the creating begins.

All the questions... we all have them, I'm sure. The why, how, when, what ifs. I have also thought about all the mistakes I made as a parent. I've thought about all the ways I could have changed everything and kept my Trista here. I've thought about every parenting mistake I've ever made. I've thought of any pain Trista ever experienced in her life and wished she had never had to go through that. We never want our Children to feel pain of any kind but we know it's part of a growing process. It's part of life. When a life is cut short then that all seems in vain but then I think Trista is Trista partly because of her life experiences. I don't have any answers I just wanted to say that these questions, feelings, regrets and wishes are all natural and a part of the journey we're on. This journey that none of us wanted. We share our journey though and help each other by doing so.

Sending love and prayers to all today.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

So true what you posted Shannon....as Dee has said so many times....we now stand in their light..and shine for them....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for sharing your poem. As always you put this process of change and self discovery into words so beautifully and perfectly. Thank you so much for all the ways you reach your hand out to all of us here.

Susan,

That picture you posted is exactly how I have felt at times with the pressure to be better faster. Thank you.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I had just read all the posts and was preparing something when this situation occurred.

 

However, I would like to share this for Jan in honor of her daughter...it is a song that the Rich Mullins had composed for a child he met with severe disabilities. The child passed away six months after him.

 

[ericasmom]

Laurie, how old is your lovely Jennifer? I am so sorry that she has to go through the ugliness of parental fighting and being put in the middle. An extra hug of our love to you and to her. I am glad that your Boy, Thomas, brought her over. Do they live nearby?

The music in honor of the little girl, Madeline, is lovely.

 

Gretchen, lovely to see you today.

 

Wade, love the photos of Brooks and his Momma. They have similar smiles. How nice.

 

Debbie, you hang on please. Yes, it feels like nothing will work out but there are others in your family who need you. Your Daughter's situation must make it doubly hard to feel strength and forward thinking. I know that when we are worried about a child of ours, there is little else we think of. I am sending you more prayers and hope that you feel your Boy nearby holding you.

 

Susan, I love the photos of your Sweet John David and his Buddies.

 

TBear, those friends will remember your Nick, he will always be a part of their group.

 

Jan, your Sweet Little Sunshine must be smiling on you.

 

Susan, Shannon's Mom, how are you today?

 

Any news Becky???Sending thoughts of healing your way and a lot of HOPE.

 

I received such a cool gift at the holiday from my Daughter in law. She gave me time with Baby-Love at a place nearby called MyGym. I have 4 Saturday sessions with my little Eri at the gym and today was our first. We both loved it, it was a delight for ERica to crawl all over such a large expanse with a myriad of climbing and large motor activities to experience, and there was free time for that as well as circle-time to do some singing and movements with all of the babies and adults. What a fun morning class. I feel very lucky.

[Steve s mom]

Sorry,I haven't been checking in very much.i too am again unravelling like so many others seem to have been expressing lately.i thought once the holidays were done than a few months of pease ,they just put out valentines day stuff already ,it just starts again.i don't know I think any ground I had gained if any I m losing again.i really feel very depressed and just don't want to do anything,I wonder why I am here at all anymore.i just can't stand this cold weather ,dark depressing days nor am I wanting any longer to go on without my child.I just want this nightmare to go away and wake up...and see this was all a bad dream and that my son is alive and well.and here with me.I can't understand why he isn't ,I don't want to believe he is gone...just like that

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you Ted for sharing the photo of your son and his friends.

 

Also, Susan, love to see more of John David. Your words are also so soothing.

 

Wade and Ted, I think it is good that you have found a place to share. I have found that my husband and I need separate grieving spaces for exactly what Susan said, I think we are both in too much pain to touch one another.

 

Dee, if it could be managed to meet up I would. Maybe Colleen would be willing to come down. I believe she only lives a little ways from my mom's. About Jennifer, she is four. Waiting for Thomas to come back. It sounds like he was able to talk through something with his ex-girlfriend. Will know more later.

 

So many have reached that deep dark spot. I am so sorry. I know that spot, it is very black. Take care of yourself as best you can.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...the other strange thinking comes from the 'Big Why'.....

Why my boy? Why not the evil ones?

Why Me ? I dotted all the 'i's'...crossed all the 't's'....I followed the laws of society...and the Commandments...etc....

There is nothing abnormal in that kind of 'thinking'....but it can tangle me up...and I will have to put it on the back burner. I do know...there is no simple answers to some questions....and there are some questions that will never be answered....in this life. That is when I have to reach deep and come up with Faith...just the size of a mustard seed...that is all I need to carry on.

So well said...the why is a question that tangles me up and it just gets me mad...you are right though, some questions do not have answers in this life....

[Sholl1955]

Laurie, I am sorry you are dealing with seeing your son have difficulties and also the effects on your grandchild.  It is so hard to see those we love hurting especially when there is nothing we can do to help.

 

My thoughts are with everyone that is struggling so hard. The holiday season has been so hard to get through and I wonder if the crazy weather systems all over the country make things more difficult too.    I know that I am not the person I was before Sarah died, and I never will be that person again.  It is such a struggle to try to see who we are or will become.  I think that sitting still and not moving forward, but "sitting, resting and learning" as Shannon put it so well, may be a good place to be.   I know that I need to ignore those who want me to be "over it" and take as long as it takes.  It is truly a roller coaster journey with so many ups and downs. 

 

Dee, what a wonderful gift to get from your daughter in law.   Nothing is better than time spent with our precious grandbabies.  The girls were with us today, and this afternoon we worked on a sewing project we had gotten them for Christmas.  They want to learn to "sew like Mimi", so we had fun and they both worked so diligently to finish a simple little project and were so proud to show their daddy.  Such special times.  I hope their Mama was able to see them. 

 

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you and for a restful night.

 

Sandy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

just saw this Laurie....

   please...do not ever give up the children to...'fools'...or 'others'....maybe you can just ignore that...hide...lay  low...be very low profile....maybe let the child sleep through it all...oh Laurie...am so sorry for you and your family...please...let the child sleep...

just keep a very low...moderate...sweet...kind...persona going on....just keeping on with the keeping on....keep the children safe...let me hear...

[ericasmom]

I agree Sandy, sometimes just being still, just being where you are is what is needed in order to figure out this new place, the new parts of you that are not what we are used to. And I agree with what Shannon said that so beautifully, that in the dark stillness we find our strength for the journey.

 

MaryAnne, I do think that the weather is casting more gloom for folks who are just trying to get by. I am sorry that you are so blue, so deeply hurting. the days are dark and dreary, but we are actually gaining a few minutes of sunlight each week...not noticeable in all of the clouds right now, but we are.

As far as finding a purpose to answer why are we still here???you will find out, all I know is that being here means we still have work to do. I also know that three steps forward and four back is discouraging but I have to point out that you are still ahead of where you would be had you never taken those three steps forward...we move slowly, there is no need for speed in this process.

 

Goodnight Friends---dream sweetly

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I read this today and it is so much like what many of us have described going through, so similar to that 'dark place' Dee has described in her poems that I wanted to share. Laurie, I think you have talked about this "dark night of the soul". This is a description by Eckhart Tolle and it specifically mentions child loss.

The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.

It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.

They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual.

Laurie,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this with your grandchildren. I'm sending prayers. I understand how exhausting family dramas are. I had a situation tonight with my dad and his girlfriend. Take care of those little ones and take care of you.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

Its late, reading the posts and feeling sad.

So many new people on this site and wishing none of us had to be here, its heart breaking. 

Such painful words we write to help ease our pain, and try to find comfort in what others write.

I find i have no great words of comfort to offer to those that are new, i still hang on one day at a time. 

Grateful for the end of each day, to sleep, and have a break from the pain. 

 

Laurie, i agree with Shannon, family dynamics are exhausting, thinking of you and sending prayers.

 

Sending prayers to all on this site. 

 

Wanda, Lane's mom forever....

[mybeautifulgirl]

Laurie, I was so touched and surprised that you were so thoughtful in downloading that very nice song.

I will listen again, thanks so much.

I do hope your family problems are resolved.

I sometimes think I would just like to run away to an island and grieve. Cry all I want without expectations from others.

Dee, thank you for your mention. I hope my beautiful girl is looking down on us. I miss her so much , particularly today for no reason. Just wish she was here.

Jan

[shorty16]

Tbearw58

So sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to the right place. We will listen and we care.

My 16 year old son, Brian died on 6-19-2008 from car-surfing. Yes, he was on the hood of a car and the driver lost control.

In the beginning, the pain is severe. I came here to learn how to live again.

With work, you can find happiness again, but it takes a long time.

Tell us about your boy, here we say their names loud and clear.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[shorty16]

Sam's Mom

You have every right to feel self pity now. It has been such a short time since Sam became an angel.

But, there is hope. The sun does come up each morning. We will see our boys again.

Be kind to yourself. Your world has been knocked out of orbit.

Sending love to you

Colleen, Brian's mom forever

[shorty16]

To my friends

We went to the funeral of a 6 year old boy, Zak last weekend. Mind-numbing and unbelievable. Zak did have challenges, went into seizes and died. Mom and Dad are young (25) and not together. Their only child.

I sat with the Mom and I could tell she was out of it. Just like me, wondering when someone would wake her up and this would all be a bad joke.

I will contact her in about 2 months, after many others have gone on with there lives and we are left picking up the pieces of our life.

I ask that my friends on this site pray for me that I will have the words or no words at all to bring some peace to this young parents life.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I do hope your family problems are resolved.

I sometimes think I would just like to run away to an island and grieve. Cry all I want without expectations from others.

Thanks Jan, Susan, Shannon, Dee, Wanda and to all those who responded regarding my grandaughter Jennifer. My son was able to have a conversation with the mom last night without new boyfriend being present. (BTW kids were never hurt in the fight, just very frightened.) I know that sometimes if people realize someone is watching it helps as a deterrent.

 

Yes, Jan, I too feel like running away to an island. I understand the allure of being a beach bum...my father actually is from Hawaii and I have never understood how he came to settle in Wisconsin.

 

 

 

[Steve s mom]

Dee,thank you for your words.today I was just sitting here alone feeling badly wondering what I am doing here and why I stay.some people may think this is crazy but I believe my Steve sent me a message to try to comfort me even if not directly .i finally turned on the tv it said on the screen you are not alone ,it was some kind of community channel or something I never look at usually .then 3song played all in a row that reminded me of Steve and 1 I never heard or didn't even know but you all may want to look into it it is Carrie underwood this is not the end I think it's called I just googles a few lines ,later to see what it was,then another song played ,then Mariah Carey some sweet day ....I remember when Steve was in the hospital the last day the last hours when we were waiting for the last test to come back right before they declared him brain dead ,I sang that to him I don't know why ,but now I know he heard me , he remembers,he was there and knew I was holding him in his last moments.....he never liked that song when he was alive was not his kind of music.but somehow I feel he was here with me now,maybe trying to tell me ,totry to make me feel better .unfortunately it still made me cry.i don't know what to do I dont know what he was trying to tell me,but I think in someway he was trying to be here to help me.

[Steve s mom]

Sorry Carrie underwood song was see you again

This is not the end is the other one I forgot

[ericasmom]

First off, Shannon, that quote by Tolle is exactly what I feel, it is the 'new life' piece that I have been living for some time now that I try to encourage in all of you so new to this loss, that a new life is possible, one with deep and wondrous meaning but first you must travel this dark and sorrowful time, we are 'miners' after all, mining the depths of our souls, of our past life, to find nuggets of what can be the start of our new life. Thank you for posting that, I will enjoy reading more from Tolle, so thanks a ton.

When things become so very meaningless, it is indeed difficult to know that there is the possibility of a new life, and many feel that the very words are obscene, to think a good life is possible without our CHILD here, but for me, it would be such a terrible sadness to my Daughter if I refused to see and work toward that possibility. And I repeat myself again; I stand in the light she shines, I live fully in her love and light, I honor her with my actions.

 

MaryAnne, I do believe Steve did send you that message indeed, letting you know in all the ways he could, that he is holding you, he is near you, he does listen, he did hear you that last night. While that music was not his music, he lets you know that it was music that soothed your soul, so he wants you to know that. Of course you cry, I am over ten years long in this world without Erica right here in the physical sense, I cry over the missing, I will always, ALWAYS, miss holding her big hands, seeing the sprinkle of freckles over her nose, seeing that dark spot on her iris, hearing her loud laugh and wondering what she would have done if she were here...Though now I know that my purpose is before me, it is in my everyday and I am a happy human with a rebuilt heart. The hole holds all Erica has given us in this world.

 

Laurie, I am so happy that your Son calmed the waters at your Grandgirl's home for now. I am very glad that Jennifer has you to be a safe place to be.

 

Colleen, we wondered how you were after going to that funeral last weekend, I know that these can take their toll on us as we have such vivid memories of our own deep losses, but you do this and I celebrate that strength in you. That goodness that comes from deep within, to reach out to an aching heart...prayers for you to have those words and comforts that are needed, though I do believe you have them as part of your soul now.

 

Wanda, I understand completely about closing the day each evening, hoping for rest and escape of pain...know that your smiling Lane is holding you close and rooting for you as you try to find the energy to face another long day, one day those will hold more promise.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....your DIL must have a heart of love and imagination to give you that amazing gift....of fun, music and motion with that Baby Girl....one of those gifts you can't tie with a bow but is priceless...and thank you again for your words that seem to ooze out of the screen with empathy and experience for all of us....all of us are at different places on the grief journey...with no map or compass....just a guide to wave us on.....

 

Laurie...am happy that your ordeal did not escalate....your son seems to have inherited your persona....for I feel that you are a person of genuine character....wanting the best for everyone...and for everyone to be their best...

 

Shannon....it is a hard place to be ..in the dark place....I call mine..'when all the boogie men come out of the closet'.....I just have learned to deal with it the best I can....until daylight can shine through the cracks...

 

Steve's Mom....I, too, believe we can feel our child's presence at times....

 

I woke up very early..in fact I have for the past 3 mornings...3 o'clock in fact....I thought I was getting into a good sleep pattern...

  I was at the computer looking up some info for my aunt...and I heard a 'whistle' behind me...

it was so distinct..I turned around....Daniel went gambling in Lake Charles with a friend...so it wasn't him, either.....spooky.....I have thought about it all morning....

 

today is going to be a sad day for my daughter....Austin goes back to Austin....college classes resume tomorrow....there is no use in telling her he is only 1 1/2 hours away....or that we can go see him next week-end....I remember how it was for me when she went to college...so we will circle the wagons and I will just love and pet her....as I have said...she is in the 'Bermuda Triangle' of womanhood.....she lost John David...Austin left home for school...and her hormones are all over the place'.....and the twins turned 16....

 

Wanda....have you gone back to work ? Is your daughter still with you? Just know we are here to hear you....

 

Becky....all of us are thinking of you....let us hear how you are when you are up to it...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

On Synchronicity...

 

This week this word has been on my mind. It is a term coined by Carl Jung. Synchronicities are those moments of “meaningful coincidence”.

 

"At the synchronistic moment, just like a dream, our internal, subjective state appears, as if materialized in, as and through the outside world. Touching the heart of our being, synchronicities are moments in time in which there is a fissure in the fabric of what we have taken for reality and there is a bleed through from a higher dimension outside of time."

 

The last year before Jesse passed there were so many of these moments that layered themselves upon one another. I did not realize that there was a term for this. Basically what ordinarily would appear as unrelated is not because you realize there is a meaning presented from your inner world that connects those event. There was also a certain agitation of my soul when these type of moments occurred.

 

Carl Jung noted that there are more of these occurrences when death is near or nearing...he was himself a near death experiencer and I believe these NDR's gain certain sensitivities.

 

This last week was the second Wednesday of the month which in my soul responds as Jesse's true passing date and then on Friday which was the 10, the actual calendar date.

 

Wednesday, I had what I would term a "visitation" dream. Jesse was dressed again in his and mine favorite shirt. I was aware in this dream, careful to try and not end it prematurely.

 

On Friday the 10th I receive a phone call from someone (a complete stranger) asking for "JR Trucking". This was a trucking company Jesse had started up when he was about 22. (You can google it if you want) I have never had a call for his company before but got a call on the 10 asking for JR Trucking.

 

You can find an interview on Carl Jung and synchronicity on youtube. It is about 10 minutes long.

 

I thought this post would be helpful to those who felt their loved ones presence...

 

****************************************

 

Thank you Susan for your kind words, it was stressful.

[ericasmom]

Susan, I hope that your Daughter finds a peaceful place from which to operate her day to days, with hormones all over and loss a constant shadow, it is very hard to juggle it all. She is lucky to have you, the Momma of big hearts.

 

Laurie, I am so happy for your dream and then for the message, this is your sweet Jessie letting you know that he knows what these dates are to you. Letting you know that he is nearby. I love Carl Jung, his words are always a clear path and help me immensely. Thanks for sharing, I will look at that video.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

When I read that I thought, yes, this is what Dee has been talking about. I would like to read more from him too. I think he has a few books. I had a friend recommend a book from him once but had never gotten it. I have so many waiting in line already. I read everything I can now. Also, what a sweet sweet gift from you dil. Precious time with little Erica. Those are the kinds of gifts I love the best.

Susan,

The whistle, wow! I have a story too. I will tell later on.

Wanda,

It was good to see your post. I have been thinking of you, your daughter and sweet Lane. It truly is one day at a time or less when a day seems to overwhelming... sometimes just a breath.

MaryAnn,

A what a beautiful message from Steve. I believe our Children 'touch' us in so many ways. Music being one of them. I have received messages of comfort from Trista through music too. Sometimes I go looking for music or songs that will soothe or remind me but it's when they happen spontaneously, like for you, and are just want I need... just when I need it... I just know. Thank you for sharing that.

Laurie,

I'm glad everything worked out ok with the Children. Last night I got a message from my Dad's wife saying he had been drinking and telling me to come and get him. Really?? Did she think I would actually do that. She said he was drunk and being mean so I'm going to bring him to my home around my kids? I simply told her that... no, I would not get him. She needed to deal with it herself or if things were getting out of control, call the police. I did not respond to her again. I can't believe she would even think I would do that but she is younger than me and she too 'doesn't know enough to pound sand in a rat hole' as my Grandpa would say. wo

Colleen,

I'm so glad you could be there for that young Mom. I know, you understand all she is feeling. We all remember those first dream like days... waiting for someone to wake us up from the nightmare. When I read your post it touched me deeply because it hasn't been that long for me and then I saw the Boy's name... Zak. That is also my Son's name. We've never met another Zak (spelled with a K).

Jan,

So many times I've visualized myself just going... going going going.. as far away as I could get. An island sounds perfect. Far away from the rest of the world. Your beautiful Girl is with you.

Ted,

How are you doing? Thanks for sharing that picture of Nick with his friends. I love to see the pictures of our Angels just being themselves.

Ok, now for my story... I couldn't share this anywhere else but here without running the risk of being thought completely bonkers...

The other night I was in bed trying hard to sleep. It was a very hard night and I just couldn't stop the thoughts. I kept replaying the scene of the accident over and over. I knew that the EMS report and the emergency room records would be coming any day and so I was wondering what I would find, how I would feel. I just couldn't stop the painful thoughts no matter how I tried. I then just whispered to Trista, "I need you". Just then the bedroom lamp on my side came on. It had never done that before. I was really kind of in shock. I laid there for a minute and then reached over and turned it off. Laying there again, the thoughts started and so I kept talking to Tris. Telling her I didn't know how to do this and that I really needed to feel her close when it came on again. So, I just looked at it for a minute, checked the cord, tried to figure out what was causing it. Nothing... and like I said, it had never happened before. I turned it off and asked out loud, Tris is that you? I felt pretty foolish. While I believe with my whole heart that my Girl is with me when I need her, it was a little odd to think she might be turning on the lamp. I imagined her laughing at me and saying, Mom, you Dork! It doesn't work that way. But I also thought, Tris and I used to love to watch all the ghost hunter shows and shows on the paranormal so if she could do something like that she would. A couple seconds after I asked, it came on again. I actually laughed at the risk of waking my husband and Aiden. I turned it off and fell asleep feeling my Girl was close. The next day was when the reports came. It was bad. It was so painful and brought all the pain of the accident and the details to the surface... another sleepless night. I was lying in bed, finally, reading on my ipad so I could read in the dark. I couldn't even focus on my book and kept rereading the same paragraph over and over. I started to talk to Trista again, as usual when I can't sleep. The lamp came on. This was about 3 am. This time I was a little less in shock and found myself smiling. I turned it off and I said, You really are with me when I need you, aren't you? and it came on again. I turned it off again and I fell asleep, feeling my Girl snuggled up beside me. I know this sounds crazy. I swear, I'm not making it. Nothing like that had ever happened before. This was a few nights ago and it hasn't happened since. Part of me wants to go sit in front of the lamp and just use it like a 'telephone to the other side' but I know it doesn't work that way. It's not about the lamp. I really would be being a 'dork' as Tris would say, if I did that. I know that it was her way to let me know she was close and she will be whenever I need her. Now, that you all think I've lost my marbles... I will sign off.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I just read your post. I believe in synchronicity. I've read some from Carl Jung and it has been helpful. Thank you for sharing that story. I do believe that was Jesse.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I am thrilled that Trista responded as she did. I have NO DOUBT in this. Electrical things are often the medium used by our Kids, we are immediately caught by its on-off, Eri has done some electrical things, especially that first year. Cool.

Susan, the whistle???yep, I do believe John David was hanging out with you on a January sleepless night.

[Steve s mom]

There is a good book called synchronicity and the other side

I have had many odd things like that happen,w watch that had stopped at the exact time Steve died and never worked again..tv going off or on especially in the beginning and. Sometimes coming on to static or channels that were not normally on my son loved the history channel I hate it one day I camr home from work and the history channel was on the dog(Steve's) dog was sitting near his favorite chair content and watching the tv with Steve I thought.also several times the tv came on blasting loud in the middle of the night ,no one had the volume up that loud earlier that day,my husband says Steve does that to annoy him jokingly I think he did ...I always yell for my husband to turn his tv down in the family room cause it's louder and I can't hear mine in the next room,then those times my tv blasted on in the middle of the night usually when my husband fell asleep on the couch watching tv and I had already gone to bed ,I'm sure Steve does that to mess with with him ...then my husband calls him a jerk like they used to joke back and forth often doing things just to annoy each other

[mysonrich]

Having a rough few days. Some when I teeter a bit and feel profound pain. And yes, rresentment as I struggle with thIngs. Cabin fever doesn't help . Early this morning I headed east to the ocean. Free's up my mind and thouhts while walking, listening to the waves breaking and the cold breeze whirling around my hair.took a couple pic's. Sent one to Trudi, our. Boys xied on the same date,2 years and a world apart. Means nothing of course. Just is.

[wgreenlee]

Shannon…

 

I will help you find your “marbles” if you help me find mine.   That made me think of the move “Hook” with Robin Williams and how Tootles kept saying he had lost his marbles.  In the end, Peter found his real marbles and Tootles was able to fly again.  Hopefully we will find our marbles, because I would like to “fly” again.  Seems like it’s been a lifetime since I have.  So glad you felt beautiful Trista….  You’re right on the Zak with a “k” thing.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had a student with it spelled that way.  How are the boys?  Thrilled to be back at school?

 

Wanda…

 

Good to hear from you.  I’m glad you and your daughter had a good time in Vegas.  I know it was hard without Lane.  I was in Vegas as well for a few days…remembering all the Christmas times we visited Renea’s brother and went to our annual Christmas movie with Brooks…Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.  Shauna invited Renea and I to Maug this year but, of course we weren’t around.  First time in probably 15 years we hadn’t done that… How many more traditions will I miss?

 

Ted…

 

Hope you are finding a little peace this weekend.  Share your wonderful son, Nick, with us when you can.  There’s only a few of us guys on here, so maybe we can help each other in our grief.

 

Susan…

 

John David is there, you can bet on that.  It is so nice to feel the presence of our children, and what comfort it gives.  I have faith that God allows this, as it says in the Bible that we will meet them again in Heaven, why not also on earth in some way?  I pray for that every day…every day!!!

 

Jan…

 

Praying for you today!  An island far away with warm breezes and peaceful nights.  Listening to the birds singing and the rustling of leaves…  Seems like an impossibility right now, but anything is possible in dreams.

 

MaryAnn…

 

When I had to go pickup Brooks’ truck at the crime scene I turned on the radio and it was Renea’s favorite Christian station.  We had been coaxing Brooks to find a church and take Shauna and the kids.  Usually he always listened to rap, since that was the music he was trying to develop, but that day it was on her station.  I wonder a lot about that.  What was he thinking as he drove over to his friends house?  Why that station?  Did he know something?  God wanted my son and was this His message to us that Brooks would be cared for?  So many questions, but I am thankful for having that memory.  I know it wasn’t by accident.

 

Laurie…

 

So happy that the situation with your son’s ex and her boyfriend was resolved.  You must be so proud of him for the action he took…and it shows the love he has for his family to take that action.  Confrontation is hard, but sometimes it is the only course of action.  I pray that it will make a difference.  I know from interactions with my students that parental fighting is one of the worst situations they endure and effects them so much.

 

Colleen…

 

We will see our angels again…I also am sure of it, but it’s so nice to be reminded.  Thank you!

 

Dee…

 

My sentiments exactly about honoring our children.  Sometimes that’s the only thing that gets me through a day.  With Brooks’ addiction…honor was a key word…and he responded by making us so proud of him.  How can I not respond the same way?  I know it’s been many years since Eri’s angel date, and I cherish your words about her every day.  It means so much to me to know that I can do the same for Brooks, and that when my journey is a little longer on, my son can still be so much a part of me.  Sometimes I worry about that…about forgetting him… or not thinking about him all the time.  Your words let me know that this will be ok, and that I won’t forget him, but it’s ok to LIVE.  Hard now, but I will LIVE!  Thank you.

 

Betsy…

 

I hope the sound of the ocean gave you a little peace.  You are right…sometimes “it just is.”  I know getting out makes a difference for me.  Renea will take walks…I go over to my friends and work.  Each of us to our own grieving sometimes.  The pictures are wonderful.  I have an app on my iPad that has ocean sounds and sometimes I play it at night to give me a peaceful moment.

 

Becky and Lora…

 

Thinking of you!

 

- - - - - - 

 

Visited Brooks this morning…was so windy yesterday that the little cemetery was a mess.  Spent about an hour picking up everyone’s flowers and special memories and trying to find who they belonged too.  Kinda funny…kept up a conversation with Brooks the whole time, asking him to help me find the owners.  The day before I was a mess went I went there…for some reason was just very emotional and couldn’t stay long…angry and hurt!  Today was much better…as always doing something makes a difference.  Thank you, Brooks, for your help.  Going to go a little later and put his solar lights back.

 

Oh…this is crazy too…thinking of the electrical thing…I think I mentioned before that Renea had gone to a women’s ornament exchange prior to Christmas.  She got an ornament that had little strobe lights on it.  It said that it would run for about 200 hours.  Well, one of Brooks’ friends turned it on before Christmas, and guess what?  It’s still on…by my figuring that’s 20 days now…so 440 hours.  Your light is still shining bright, son!!!  Thank you…I love you, buddy.

[daveydow1]

Betsy-----So sorry that you're having a rough time of it. As we, .....who have been on this rough road for a good while, all know......

the pain and sorrow does 'soften', but at the same time can come back full-force ....and put us in that 'dark place' that we must

struggle to find our way out of.  I hope that you will find some comfort soon, and as you say......nature's beauty helps so much. Prayers.

 

 

Wade-----

It could be that Brooks was  reaching out for something more, and comforting when he switched radio stations

to the Christian one.  Yes---I agree---there are so many questions that we have that probably won't ever get answers to, but as

someone here at BI once said......we will find out when we go to be with our beloved children again. Thanks for the pics you posted.

 

MaryAnne-----I so believe that our children give us messages too.  My son-in-law went to the ER where my son, David, died, to

identify his body, and to get his personal effects.  Among the items was his watch.  I kept it in my desk drawer for quite awhile,

and noticed one day that it had stopped working at the time of day that David died in the operating room after the wreck.  As you

say......it is a message that your Steve tells you that he and all our kids do communicate to us in ways.  Peace to you.

 

Laurie---I, too, believe in synchronicity.  The veil separating us from our beloved children is a thin one, and they are just on

the other side......not far far away.

 

Susan-----Sending prayers for your daughter who is so sad that Austin is going back to college.  There's a lot that she has had

to handle in her young life.  Hoping she will feel a bit better soon.

 

Dee-----You mentioned dreams......I recently had a dream of Davey.  He was packed and was going on a trip.  There wasn't any

conversation, but he looked just fine and seemed happy. Thanks for your poem.......love the analogy with gems, and what it

takes for nature to produce them......just as we have heat & pressure to endure, and hopefully it makes us stronger.....just as

nature produced the diamond.

 

Lora-----thanks for your words of welcome back to BI after going through all the problems with the old computer, and finally

getting a new one.  I missed being off BI.  My cat, Misty, is doing ok.  She will be 3 pretty soon, and seems to be settling down

some.   ( always a rowdy sort of kitty) . Hope your kitties are doing well.

 

Tbear----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Nick.  I am glad that you have found your way here to this site. Everyone

here knows the sorrow of losing a child, and we understand and welcome any others who have lost their child.  Peace to you.

 

Shannon-----I hope you are feeling a bit better now.  This lousy road sure is rough, and sometimes it gets worse for us.  Yep--

I, too, have problems sometimes with posting to this site, but hoping that the problems are solved for now & that it will 'stay put'.

I hope you get the colors etc. back. Good luck. 

 

PEACE  AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

 

 

 

  

[Steve s mom]

Wade, that radio story made me remember when we picked up Steve's truck to bring home after her died he had a cd playing and the song was see you on the other side ,when I listened to the lyrics it very much described things that reminded me of when Steve was dying in the hospital those last days and maybe somehow he wanted us to know he would see us again.....that song still makes me cry and I do hear it played on the radio sometimes still even tho I think it's old and not very popular now,when I do I still think he is sending it to me

[mybeautifulgirl]

Wade, An island with all those things would suit me nicely.

I wish!

Best wishes to all my friends here.

Jan

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Shannon,

Your article  by Eckhart Tolle struck a chord with me an my situation. I really  found this quite helpful as I can show to others how I feel because most do not.

Thank you for showing us this.

Jan

[ericasmom]

Last night while watching some amazing figure skating at the Nationals, this song came on, this piece of Stravinski's Firebird, Hannah Miller skated to it. Tears came to me as the music touched something deep in me, it reminds me of the search for those nuggets of wisdom we search for among all that is lost. It is beautiful.

Sleep well fellow travelers.

 

 

 

[Tbearw58]

2 months tonight I still can not believe it is true I love you Nick 

[Mermaid Tears]

TBear....yes....those 'markers' are etched on a parent's memory and DNA...forever...and we know how it hurts...the pain that just cuts across your heart...and sears to the soul...as I have said....there just isn't anything easy on this journey..and we don't have any answers for you but we are here for you...will listen to you...hold your hand with you...let us hear from you...if it gets real hard...hold on with both hands...we do understand...we have all walked and do walk everyday in your shoes....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...you ok ?

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susan, yes I am ok. Just in a crazy sort of funk. There is nothing worse than thinking too much! I started to think about what a crazy and scary year it had been... and I felt myself slipping into that depression I can find myself in when things seem overwhelming. We are off to see the surgeon again on Friday afternoon. More appts. and tests as per usual.

We had a lovely visit from an old friend of Jeff's yesterday. We really enjoyed his visit and catching up on all that is going on in his life. He was so happy and just enjoying the moment. I had to push back memories of Jeff in bygone years. It just felt so sad in a way. Seeing Seaan again made me realize that time has moved on and I am the one in a time warp. But where to go from here is the challenge. I'm just lost without him. Guess it is the post Christmas blahs.

Our weather is just lovely. We managed to go for a very nice walk after Sean left. I hope to post a couple of pics of my dog in her winter garb for outside. Keep in mind she is now over fourteen and blind. Also can't wait to get back outside into my gardens. I have been pampering an Amaryllis that is just lovely. It is called Fiery Sovereign. This was the first time I have grown one that has had ten blooms. The size of the flower is the size of your hand. Just lovely.

Thinking of everyone both old and new to the site. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...would love to see photos of 'your girl and best friend'....and yes....last year was a long dark hallway that you and Ross had to walk...but....it has been so rewarding to hear how good he is doing...and that maybe you both can walk 'in the sunshine'....keep us informed about the new Dr. visits...

  how very sweet to have that visit....I know I am very important in keeping John David's friends in our circle...for they still want to be a part of our family....am blessed in having all my children's friends stay in touch...and as I have mentioned before...their childhood friends have grown into their adult friends....I think it is quite unique that they have kept those old friendships in place....and how they love it when I send them some old photos I have found of them...recently I sent them all photos of when Jesse and Aaron and their buddies were building this hugical skate ramp in our backyard...and there was John David helping them out...(the story behind the huge skate ramp..that covered 90% of my backyard is still a good family story and laugh)....but...I will forever be famous in their memories that I agreed to let them do it....priceless...

   I wish I lived down the street from you and could learn more about gardening...for the first time in my life...I am 67....and have an interest in learning more....I do have a green thumb...but...there is more I don't know than know....send some photos of that flower...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks, Susan. I agree about watching our kids friends grow up. We did have a lovely visit and it was so nice of him to have stopped by yesterday. Here a couple of pics. One is of our dog Annie that is now fourteen years old. This was taken after she was dressed to go out into the frigid cold for a short walk.

The other is of an Amaryllis plant that I have grown and hope to keep for several more years to come. It adds a lovely splash of colour and helps to brighten up those long winter days.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wow...love that flower...Annie has better winter clothes than I do.....thanks for sharing....