Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted December 31, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 From Compassionate Friends Forum..premonitionshttp://www.forumforp...ns/3028313222/0Some things are just so hard to process...this type of phenomena was not something that fit into my belief system previously...however it does happen...For me I have always been an analytical person, in my previous job I had to do a lot of research...I remember before the accident Jesse calling me a lot...one night he came home early from his job and sat on the loveseat adjacent to the couch where I was sitting...I noticed him just studying my face intently...so many of these tiny occurences..like the Monday before the accident also, I had this presentiment flash in my head all of a sudden, "the accident hasn't happened yet"... I wanted to quit the new job I had started right then...I wish I had...just was having such an ominious feeling before this occurred... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted December 31, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Thanks Laurie, I read many of the testaments on the link you posted. So many similarities. I certainly identify with these as I had 4 dream-premonitions and several waking moments that alerted me that Eri would not live long into adulthood. Shannon, it sounds like a good plan for tonight. Having family and Trista's good friend over to write wishes and hopes...a very nice idea. Leaving the year that last saw your Daughter is no easy time, though I feel she is with you in the gentlest of ways and will be so proud of your actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted December 31, 2013 Members Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Hello to all INDIGOS-------- YIKES!! How did I get so far behind on posts?? Such a busy and time-demanding last few wks. Laurie-------Thanks for your kind words of welcome. I'm glad to be back with all my INDIGO friends. Kate-------I'm glad that you had such a nice visit with the family. It's cold here too, but not as cold as it must be in your area. Stay warm. Your Jeff did a good job of trying to help people. Susan-----I so know what you mean about the grief coming back in full force after the holidays. It is especially crushing and fierce. All the hectic schedules of Christmas and hosting gatherings.....planning etc. ..then it's all over and we get that blue letdown. Wishing you peace and comfort in the coming days. Shannon-----Yes, I agree...we all need some 'down time' to just collect our thoughts and chill out a bit. I hope to get outside and get some walking in to possibly help. Dee------thanks for your words of hope and inspiration. It has been a difficult season for many INDIGOS, and I am thinking of everyone on this site, and for those who are going through the 'firsts'. My heart goes out to everyone here. Thoughts& Prayers. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Hope that all of you find some peace tonight.i cannot even imagine how I am going to make it through another year without my son.i can't help but hope that this will be the year I will be reunited with him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mybeautifulgirl Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wishing you all peace and happiness for the New Year ahead.My thoughts are with you all as we take a stride into a new year without our precious loved ones.As I take down the Christmas decorations I think constantly of my beautiful girl who missed out on the best time in her life.Tears flow as I miss her so much. Life will never, ever be the same.Nothing can hurt me now as the worst has happened!Thinking of you allJan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Jan and Sherry...and all on the site. My love and wishes that this New Year will bring you comfort and a sense of peace. Thank you everyone for your wishes for Ross during his illness. We are both so very grateful for your friendship and concern. On this Eve of a New Year we are both hopeful of a New Year spent with the hope of better health. Love and the best to all. Holding you all so close. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 will post more tomorrow...Sherry..many like me..are so happy you can once again be with us...be for us...and maybe there are more that want to 'read'...than post...that is ok...for we know that it is so..so hard....when emotions overwhelm the best of us....for sure...and there is a space in time when even words aren't enough to share....and that is where I am ...now....isn't that a rip....I can talk to a telephone post....my college room mate said that if an obscene phone caller called...they would actually get off the phone with me.... ...a little humor here....my GRANDdaughter is with me....Thank you, Jesus... a funny ...maybe not 'so funny'....cause....I needed her so with me.....amazing...the timing of it all....the reason and the rhyme......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Dee...Taylor and I are going to 'burn' our messages....thank you for sharing that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Susan, I hope that you and Taylor enjoy casting your thoughts to the night. I am glad she is with you tonight, and that she has you. Sherry, I second Susan's thoughts, so glad that you are able to post here again. Jan, no, life will never be the same, and I am sorry. She is holding you as you let your sadness out.MaryAnne, I know that you are feeling empty right now. Hang on and know that Steve is rooting for you because nothing can change the love he has for you, not death, not illness, you will always be his Mom.Kate, stay cozy and warm. May 2014 find you and Ross in great health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 When it began to snow heavily this late afternoon, I put on my layers of clothing and went for a long walk through the snow, down to the slough, and skirted the woods. It was quietly beautiful. Well I went out to the yard to burn my list as well. There is fresh snow, about 3 inches, and it will snow some more in the night and in the morning. It looked like daylight almost as the snow caused so much light. Lovely.May the new year bring a tiny measure of peace to you Each. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Need your prayers. My stepsister passed away today. Don't know why all this is happening. We weren't extremely close, but my stepbrother and other stepsister have helped me through all this and I feel so bad right now. They had invited me to see all of them tonight for a New Year's party and now this. God, why are you doing this? Enough already! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mybeautifulgirl Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Prayers and thoughts are with you Wade.Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 I too wish everyone a more peaceful year ahead. Wade, I am so sorry for everything that is happening right now. My prayers to you and your family. Somebody needs to remind me why I am living here right now! The fact we have some of the best summers in the world does not cut it this morning. We are breaking all records. The coldest in a hundred years. Well, that's something to make me feel all warm and fuzzy! Not! I just walked in from taking our dog outside. I can no longer let her go alone as she is blind. There are no words to describe this cold. Chilly does not cut it. This morning it reached a bone chilling -42.7C(-45F) Needless to say I envy your walk Dee. Lora, glad you had a good sleep last night. Our neighbours treated us to quite a lavish fireworks display last night. How can you tell we are getting older...they were over by 10:00. all enjoyed from indoors. Lights were out before midnight. Wishing everyone comfort and peace today. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wade, I am sorry for the loss of your StepSis. Goodness knows your heart has been through so much in such short order. Was your stepsister ill? I know that you will do what you can during this next trial, we are holding you in our prayers and our thoughts.Sandy, may your 2014 hold much more goodness than 2013 held. Time for some good changes.Last night I posted at almost 12:30 AM but my post says 11:30ish. I wonder if the time post is messed up, I also have to hit the sign ineach time I come here even though I've been signed in for 10 years. Odd. Lora, it is snowing and blustery here, we are supposed to end up with anywhere from 8-12 insches of snow. I am going to go dress in my layers to take another snowy walk. It is quite beautiful. I will check out that link in a while, thanks.Kate, that is an insane temperature, though it does have to do with global warming even though it is so darn cold there. The extreme temps have everything to do with the changes we have caused on our Earth. The intensity of the storms all over the world, the rise in summer temps and the amount of rainfall in some places and the droughts elsewhere...but for now, I am hoping that your temps even out for a normal winter. I did get a kick out of your statement of the beautiful summers cannot make up for this cold. Be careful. For us in Chicagoland, we are seeing snowfalls much more to what we used to have, and I hope that we find the switch to get our Earth back to that old rhythm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wade....I am so sorry for the loss of your step sister. Your family is in my prayers. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wade, I am sorry for the loss of your step sister...you and your family will be in my prayers...Psalm 48:14Dee, thanks for all the help you have been to me this year...I appreciate your thoughts and writings..Kate, that does sound so cold...stay warm by the fire! That is what we are doing, staying real close to the wood stove..Lora, hope you have a restful day off...thanks for sharing...Becky, how did the test go? Hoping you are feeling better...Thinking of you all, Shannon, Jan, Debbie, Wanda, Susan, Gretchen, Carol, Colleen, Sandy, Mary Ann, Sherry and so many others....Try to stay warm and find some rest today... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Oh Wade....what a burden of sorrow your family has to carry....when I read that...it reminded me of something Essie and 'the old folks' use to always say..."Death comes in three's"....now..that is not true....but you have certainly had your share...was this sudden...or had she been ill? I have prayed for you and yours....and know that His Arms of Mercy, Grace, Healing and Love are around each of you...this is one of those 'knocks you to the knees' situations.Lora....I watched the video...then my GRANDdaughter, Taylor watched it....food for our starving souls...hope you can some rest...and have a day to stretch out...renew your batteries..Dee....I can barely walk when the weather is in the high 50's.....we don't get snow around here...but know that Mother Nature can work her healing...Kate...stay warm...and close to that fireplace....Laurie...loved your photo....I have mine going, too....well...2014 came in soft for me..."for I have promises to keep....and miles to go before I sleep"....I so wish that the 'healing hands of time' shall touch each of you in the coming year... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Asleep in the snowAsleep in the snow cold is her blanket-Sparkling dreams and crystallized wonderTucked into a drift by a lullaby of windWhat could be more like home?The sleep so deep that even prey sitting nearby can’t rouse her,Respiration reduced and those three-seasons-needs gone for now.Living but barely alive it seems; a foot in both worlds as ice thickens trapping the fish further down, stopping the movement apparent just days ago.Skaters find this place and the sounds of blades on ice reverberate through the now frozen-solid pond, twirling over the opaque cover day and into the evenings. Woodpeckers drill and blue-jays holler, cardinals and robins forage alongside the chickadees and sparrow. It is winter in the forest and she is very sleepy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 A New HomeShe went home-but she took our old home with her,causing us to searchand discover ways to find shelter,and to learn to function without oxygen.I sucked hard and filled my lungs with memories,from which stores of air live.And I coughed and sputtered and found shelter in all she left.Dee Conmy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Oh Dee, your poems brought tears to my eyes. Just beautiful. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Thank you, Dee.... On this site....each of us knows where 'the soul meets the words' of a Mama...the place she can touch to draw out those 'words'....and words are all we have..to convey that deep place where we go...for that child...thank you....your poetry has another level to it....a mature knowing in the flow of your 'wording'...it means a lot to me...especially today... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I am glad Susan and Kate, that the words that I wrote quite a number of years ago suits the mood today. You see, I do so remember those places where I stopped or was stopped in my tracks by the depth of my ache and I hear that sense coming from so many newer to this path, like you. Those poems still resonate within me when I pull them up to read, they are my stepping stones over the raging waters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Hey Surreal, just wondering how you are this last few days. Anytime you feel that you would like to talk just know that we are here for you. Just wondering how cold it is your way? This crazy winter has us all running for cover. Look forward to hearing from you. All of us on the site. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tbearw58 Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 My son was fighting depression him self he broke up with his long term girl friend and she would not let him she his 8 year old daughter. She was holding the child hostage basically for revenge. He was devastated for it. He was grieving and slipping away from his mom and I. He lost his place his job and his self respect. He became angry and was slipping into a dark place. I had given him a civic tuner car with high performance horse power 350 at the front wheels. On that night 11/14/2013 he chose to drive over 130 mph he lost control and hit a tree killing him instantly. The car was a graduation present and a father son project for years. Him and I skied rode quads and dirt bikes together we would take road trips and a lot of stuff together. Since his death I am a mess I cry all the time and don't know if I will ever find a place to be ok. My wife has progressive MS and take a lot of care. My heart has exploded and I don't know if I can piece it back together I scream out loud why why why and no answer comes. I am going to find a support group next week and try that but just think of life without my little boy and best friend is horrific at best it is destroying my sole it hurts so bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm not going to give you a bunch of advice of how to carry on. I am also walking in your shoes. My son also chose to end his life... and each and every day I am torn with how I could have said or done something to have made this a different outcome. I only can offer you that from reading your post it spoke volumes of how much you loved your son. You will eventually find that you will be able to shoulder this pain and continue. You somehow will find the strength to carry his memory in your heart and take it along your life journey. He will never leave you actually... NOT EVER...and you will again be reunited one day. I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. Please continue posting here. There are many that are walking in our shoes. We are far from alone in this situation. Take each and every day as it comes. It takes ages to heal from a loss such as ours. This is still so new to you. The grief is raw and surreal. Hold on...we've got you. We all are unique in this journey and at different stages. Take care. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 TBear....Kate has given you a message...and one that you can relate to....all of us here have lost that 'child'...and when I say child....it doesn't matter if they were 2 or 42....I lost my '42' year old child...my John David...the common thread is....our grief...our shattered hearts...our broken hearts...please tell us more about your SONshine boy....we do understand how your heart is exploding...no...it is not the same or ever will be....please come and tell us more about your grief...and we will open our hands and give you a hand up...words are all we have here to share...but we all walk in your shoes....you are not the only one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Yes Surreal....have been thinking about you....let us hear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I guess because you were 'on the place on the path'....that is why the words spoke so loud...thank you, Dee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tbearw58 Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I dont think he chose to end his life he was always driving fast but this time he lost control and it cost him. every thing we did was dangerous from motocross to drag racing we could lose our lives at anytime we loved the excitement of it. this time it was the wrong place at the wrong time. The greif he was going through made him ack reckless and he just made a mistake an accident even though he did not need to drive that fast. I saw signs he was starting to get a handle on his grief but it was just begining there is also a story of a girl his good friend had sent him a text telling him she was in danger and he may have been speeding to get to her and help her that night he was that kind of person willing to give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He was a great man a great dad and my best friend and son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Oh, I am sorry. It sounds as if he was not in control as he would have liked and had lost his power of concentration. Perhaps pushing the speed limit trying to block things out. You sound as if you had a very close relationship with him. I'm sure he was a great father and son. Please try to take care of yourself as hard as this may sound. It is necessary as you need to stay strong and healthy to get through this period. I hope that you have other supports to help you at home. I know how hard this is. Please tell your wife how sorry I am and stay in touch. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 TBEAR, how extremely sad this loss of your Precious Son, your Best friend. I am sorry that he was going through such a hard time prior to this time, that you saw him edging toward depression. It is so hard to watch our Children go through the hardships that sometimes come with adulthood. How is his Daughter doing since she lost her Daddy? Is your wife able to get around with her advanced stages of MS? You really have your hands full but I would hope you also have time to grieve because letting loose those tears and that anguish are important. We will listen so tell your stories, tell them over and over if it helps, we all had that from each other. It is so hard to talk about our Kiddos with others, so many get uncomfortable when we do so we come here and we can talk and talk about our Child. We listen and we get to know you and your Child. My Girl Erica was killed 10 years ago when a train hit her car in Michigan. We live in the Chicago area, but Erica was living in Michigan with my Son, Jon, going to school. She was 19. As an oldie around here, I can promise you that somehow you will make it, even if you'd rather not, and we make it because even though the order of things is our of whack, we are still here for a reason, we have work to do. I will say prayers for you TBEAR, that you receive a peaceful message from your Boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD99501 Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I wish the weather was to blame how I felt. Its not that simple. The winter world is stunningly beautiful. The air is clean and free from that hazy gasoline smell I experienced when I was in the lower 48. The smog clouds your mind and racks at your immune system. It took me 2 weeks of being here in Alaska to finally clear my mind and body. I am just not one of those carry on kinda guys. I found my son dead and that does things to your mind. I have heard so many people tell me look into this light, tap this, take this, see this person or that. I would feel better for a few days. After that I would just fall back in the deep end having to learn to swim all over again. A most dangerous time. It was in one of those times I almost killed myself with the very meds that was suppose to help me.So now the house is devoid of all pills of any type. People are foolee into thinking that anything helps. Its the people around you who want you to magically heal. They dont want the burdeon of dealing with you. So hurry and get better right.Thats why we all learn to wear a mask so the others around us dont have to deal with our suffering. Its fair actually. They dont understand what we are going through. And I for one dont want them to feel as bad as I do.its still a wish they would. Just for five minutes. To feel thier chest tighten for no good reason. Thier mouth to be dry no matter how much you drink. To hear EVERY sound around you in detail. To have the images flashing in your mind. To have the smells invade at any moment. To have a single sound reel you into a panic attack. Let all alone all the memories of the life together etc......It is so difficult accepting what is so permanent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I have tried twice to post and lost the post, fingers jusssst won't hit the keys right. ankle very awkward, more than painful, still off balance, no answers yet. Sorry for your recent loss, wade, and greg, my heart to you, as i know how you feel, so lost, so hard, so many images implanted in our brains.More laaaaaaatr. sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Becky, I have been thinking of you and so sorry that things are up in the air right now with your health. Please know we are sending our love and hoping that you make a speedy recovery. Surreal, I hear what you are saying. I get it...completely. My husband and I fought desperately t save our son when we found him in his room. We frantically performed CPR while waiting for the responders. It was during that brief few minutes that he died before our very eyes. My husband is haunted each and every day by the feel of his last breath. He was still performing CPR even after he died... as were on the line to 911 who walked us through what to do. I will tell you this much. For me...and this is not intended to be me telling anyone else what to do. But for me...I will not allow myself to focus on that night. I can't go there. I won't. I force myself to focus on Jeff and everything that was wonderful about him in my life. I remember the crazy and goofy sense of humour he had. Without fail it now brings laughter when we recall his antics. At the beginning only tears came...but now after four years we are much stronger. I sense that you have always suffered from depression and it was not something that surfaced due to your sons death. That is exceptionally difficult to shoulder this type of loss when you are personally battling this dark beast. But you said so yourself. There have been some good days. And I am willing to bet there will be more along this road. It takes a ton of effort on your part. It's darned hard to pull yourself out of it. Go with the supports you have. Therapy, meds, friends, whatever. And instead of fighting them because you feel they just don't get it...well, some probably don't...but they care. At least try to meet them half way. They are working on your behalf. I'm not sure if you are into sports or another hobby. But is it possible to try some volunteer work? Perhaps helping with kids in a coaching or managerial position. Anything that will help you to feel needed and that you are giving back. Trust me on this. Keeping as busy as you can does indeed help. It does not mean that you are leaving him behind. You are just now making a concerted effort to move forward and carrying him with you. Keep posting. Keep talking. And reach out to those that will help. It's worth a try. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I spent New Years Day at the hospital. I broke down. The anxiety and depression were so intense I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Nothing helped and I wanted to just make everything go away so much that I was afraid. I agreed to let my husband take me. I'm home now and have a follow up appointment in a little while. I'm still very depressed, shaky, scared but I do feel a little better with the fact that my family knows now. They feel bad that no one saw it sooner but I'm good at pretending I'm ok. I feel very guilty though for not being ok. I feel I've let my family down by not being strong enough. I'm going to do my best to get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Shannon, I am so sorry that the heartache has built to this level. I am also so very glad that you have such a loving and supportive family. Now you no longer have to pretend that you are ok. And I am sorry that you feel you were not stronger. That simply is not true. You are hurting badly and nothing else in this life will feel so hard to take. With the proper care and time you are going to see life again in a different way. Be gentle with yourself. Post when you can. Love, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Isn't it a 'coincidence'....??? That there will be that 'one'...that has walked in the very same shoes you have...when you need them the most... Kate...it takes 'one' to understand 'one'.....I am glad that you have stayed on this 'site' for so long...to really speak to the ones...that have similar situations and circumstance surrounding the passing of their child... Surreal....you are right on the mark on so many of the directions that come to a grieving parent...and yes....there are 'those' in all of our lives....that want us to get on down the road...for us to 'find closure'....to 'get over it'....they simply cannot fathom what we feel.... and I will be honest with you....until I lost my John David...I did not know the depths of sorrow, either....now when I look back...I wish I had known...for I would have been a better friend to the people that had lost a child.... for me....I come here for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...and I do need to reach out....have those hands to lift me up when I am really, really down...and understanding hearts from parents that walk the same path....I am not 'the only one'.... I really don't know 'what someone could do for me'.....this grief is mine...I am possessive about it...and I will walk the path to my own drumbeat....for that has always been my nature...my personality...I will grieve and mourn in my way.... and with the help of my friends on this site....I take it 'one day at a time'.... I have better days with moments of bitter...I have bitter days with the moments of better....it is still a slippery slope....but I think that is normal....I 'cocoon' myself.....for I need that for my survival...no...I am not a recluse....but I am in a 'time of transformation' and I need that for the change I feel within myself....I am very, very sad....beyond sad....but I should be....that is normal....If I was giddy...bouncing around...and having a party time.....that is abnormal....so for now....I am just trying to find my 'new normal'....and finding the balance between 'the good and the sad'....I think Kate's words have a lot to offer you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Shannon....I know so many will wish the same thing I am.....that we wish we could reach right through this screen and give you a big hug.... I will be honest....I really don't know why you haven't broke down like this before...with all the 'circumstances...situations...people' that have been intruding upon your grief...and giving you such a burden to carry while in such a sad mourning... Well....even the strongest can break....when the load gets too heavy....that is just Mother Nature at work...in other words....'someone' was telling you this is too much...get out from under it....I have had similar situations...and it was good for me...that it happened. I think Becky has been carrying such a heavy burden....that is why she needs to 'rest' for now....I am thankful your husband and Grama can circle the wagons and permit you to 'rest'....it's ok....the sun will rise...the earth can spin.....but you do need to 'rest and heal'.... It is amazing how Mom's can feel like the world will fall from the sky if she has to 'bow out for awhile'....take care and let us hear.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Shannon, let the rest happen, the exhaustion of grief cannot be tossed aside, I mean we all try to work through it but it does demand our attention. Our immune systems are loaded down, they don't keep us as healthy anymore because shock and anguish have diminished them. You are not weak Sweetie, think of what you would say to any one of us if we had spent the day in the hospital...you would say that we need to pay attention to the fact that our bodies and minds need a break. You need to grieve but you also need to be given permission to do so. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it in fact will become a strength that allows you to live strong in the future, but we have to rest in between, we have to eat well, drink water and juice and tea, allow our bodies the rest that a grief stricken soul needs. You are strong Shannon, as I have said so many times, any parent that lives one day beyond their child is VERY strong---and very sad. Anxiety is something that may be a daily beast in your life, it is mine, and there are tools in which to deal with it, so take heart Dear, you are going to feel better but this whole thing is a process, and processes take time.Surreal, I am sorry that you feel that moving forward is leaving your Boy behind. For me, it is the opposite, I move forward and feel my Daughter happy in the ways we honor her, happy that we are doing those things we love to do, or develop new things that we love to do. Her life was short, like your Son's, so I feel that Eri would be sad if I did not live mine where she no longer can. It is in her early leaving, that I find my time here to be even more deliberate and I do something each day to make sure that God and Eri know that I am aware of the specialness of them. This is not moving on, it is moving forward with intention and with love of life. I was with my Girl when she took her last breath, at the hospital on the 6th day after she was struck by the train. My Son, Their Dad, and me. All the pumps and measures were removed, it was time to let her go, the hardest thing in the world and we had to decide upon it. Those last breaths were terribly ragged, her chest heaved, rose and fell in waves, we wept and held her, my Son crawled in her bed and laid his head against her and wept for all he lost, all we lost, and she left. Oh I will never forget, never ever, but I can't stay in that day, that would be throwing away the days that she would so love to have had... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Did I mention that we have about a foot of snow and it is still coming down. I am off for a trudging walk, love to All.dee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mysonrich Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Hello Indigo's, I have been reading but am not able to respond as I would like due to a new device and not practiced at the keyboard. This is my laptop for now.SamDsmom, thanks for the info about full view. It has helped. I'm sorry about the report. It seems we are always left with questions and I know that makes your loss so much harder. Please take it easy, I know, sounds trivial but those questions and the circles that take us seem to never end. A friend here, Carol or Trudi, once suggested that when the questions start, hold up a stop sign in your mind. Reach out when you can.Dee and Lora, in answer to your questions from last week; it's a phone and a gift to myself. Lora. I shut off the auto-fill. That has helped. Tanners Mom, good to see your smiling boy.Sherry, I've missed you and Dave’s smile and the ever present Lisa Baby Girl . I have never been able to use font colors on BI with WIN 8. I did download Openoffice in place of MS product. Openoffice is free.Steve's Mom. My son, Rich, died from cardiac dysrhythmia while in his sleep after attending a concert and having a great time dancing. I did not find him Surreal , his g/f did. I am sorry that your pain has taken you to the edge of place that you believe you will find peace .I don't have a lot of time right now but wanted to check in.Yesterday I was having a major anxiety attack. I haven't had one of those in quite a while. Not like that. I went for a ride to the river. A place that I used to take my kids to, more so Rich ( Sarah at the age when she wasn't always into hikes etc) It was really cold out but I just kept walking and talking. Mentioning out loud to Rich that some things had changed, but also some remained the same along the river. I remember smiling at one point , the more I moved the better I felt. I took a couple pictures. Hope you don't mind me sharing. This is a swimming spot , falls and current formed by an old mill. Kaykers enjoy it too.Weird thing , before I moved back to my home state I didn't realize that I would be living right down the road from where Rich used to work. It doesn't bother me. My sisters birthday was on the 29th. She is a year older . I found pictures of her and her new husband from the early 80's. They were in my Fathers things. Might explain the anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Betsy....did you lose your sister, too...? am sorry....I must have missed some postings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Kate and my friends,I agree with your post. I call it "turning the channel". When I dwell on the way Brian died or other sad memories, I try to turn the channel in my brain. In the beginning, this only worked for seconds, but with practice, I have used this in social situations,Shannon,Thank you for reaching out to your husband and getting help. I went to counseling for over 2 years. You have been on this journey for 6 months. Reality is slapping you in the face. I too needed help to cope.Thank you I am being pretty lazing during my holiday. With single digit temperatures and continued snow, it is hard to get out.To all the newbies, I am here to tell you that this searing pain will not last forever. With work, this pain is substituted with smiles than a laugh. Please give yourself permission to laugh. Your child wants you to be happy again. You are not aloneColleen, Brian's Mother forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Good to see your posts, Colleen and Betsy...To Betsy, do you think traveling around for awhile helped? I thought I remember you mentioned that...Shannon, I am sorry about finding yourself in the hospital...I just ordered a warm blanket throw from Walmart and it seems to be helping me...I haven't felt the best the last few days...Becky, keep us posted...saying a prayer for you...Wade, sending hugs your way...Tbear, I am sorry for the loss of your son, please share as you are able...Wanda, Debbie, Steve's mom, thinking of you all today....I think this new year thing just kicked me in the butt...I am resting and doing very little myself...it seems like many of us have had these same intense feelings...Going to keep it short, just not feeling real great...Maybe Dee can walk vicariously for me today...Sending a BIG hug out to all the fellow pilgrims on this journey... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 I walked us all through the snow Laurie, three miles, deep deep snow. YOu probably are having the same weather there. Col too, Sandy as well unless you are further south from the lake effect Sandy.The sun burst through the clouds a few moments ago, shedding golden light on treetops, making the snow covered trees glow tangerine color. Amazing.Betsy, good to see you and happy that you bought a new way to communicate. A good gift.Becky, when will the doctors have something definitive for you? Is the ankle healing? Prayers there Kiddo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 to my Northern Sisters.....applause for each of you..... we have had some 'very cold' weather for our South Texas...what we had in late November and early December is what we usually have the latter part of January and February seems to be our coldest month..and IF it snows...it is always in February....and all the schools are out...it is such a rare sighting in this part... the cold has hung on...and we just got another 'front' early this morning....but the sun came out this afternoon.... none of us have 'winter clothing'....in fact...sweaters can last for years and years...my daughter and I were having a chat about this just yesterday.....that if this keeps up....we will have to order from L.L. Bean....I guess you can call our wardrobe for Winter...'very light' with long sleeves...no heavy jackets...just 'cute' hats....and decorative scarves....we have heard about layering....who knows...maybe South Texans will learn a new way to dress.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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