Loss of an Adult Child

[Steve s mom]

I see that your experience with eri was similar to mine in the hospital,although at first there seemed hope he could survive I think that is out of our hands despite the best medical care.during the few days he was aware and communicating in some ways ( if anyone can understand how someone on life support can communicate) he seemed to want to live I thought to fight to get better.but really I think he was just hanging on for us a little while to stay with us and help us.after I told him the decision was his that if he needed to go ,I would be ok( I was lying of course) he seemed ok to let go.i know he had no chance to survive I was just thankful for the little extra time we were given with him.to let him know all the things I wanted to say,that we often forget to do on a daily basis when our loved ones are alive.i always thought there was plenty of time and always tomorrow ,but there wasn't.i wonder what Nde he may have had when he died and was resuscitated ,I'm sure it was a good one and he knew he wanted to go to that beautiful place.

[Steve s mom]

Jesse davids mom

I have heard several Nde from patients of mine in the many years I worked In Icu

Most were comforting to think of now ,reassuring of an afterlife

I only recall one that disturbed me

[Mermaid Tears]

Fret not your mind with puzzles that you cannot solve. The solutions may never be shown to you until you have left this life. The loss of dear ones, the inequality of life, the deformed and the maimed, and the many other puzzling things may not be known to you until you reach the life beyond. "I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now." Only step by step, stage by stage, can you proceed in your journey into greater knowledge and understanding.

I pray that I may be content that things which I now see darkly will some day be made clear.

Anonymous

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, cocooning is a perfectly natural process when we are hurting. To suffer a loss such as ours we are like a bird that has lost a feather from its wing. Our child is gone. We take flight, but we can not soar. Slowly in time you will again begin to find ground. It takes courage, patience, and faith. The human heart has the ability to survive and continue as long as we carry love in our heart and not lose faith. Hold on.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Kate....I was progressing along on the path...and feeling so confident in my faith..and all that I learned in Sunday School...the child like faith....you know...we only have to have faith the size of a mustard seed...hey...I can do that...

and for all the words I have...for all the faith I have...for all the wonder and kindred spirit I have...

I am coming up empty...

but for all of you that have been here for so long...I am going to hang on...if you can do it...so can I...it is just so damn hard...

[Mermaid Tears]

What other choice do we have but to "go on", our lives are not the same as they once were. We go on but we are different people. Some who were close to God have felt he has turned his back on them and others who never felt the need of comfort of God have turned to him. Each of us go on because it is the only thing we know to do. I know my daughter, and I cannot imagine anyone else's child would want the parents to sit and lock him/herself up because the pain we feel. A pain that is so deep and unimaginable that those of us taking this journey do it without knowing the direction we are headed or how we are getting there. There is no roadmap for us, no GPS, no neon arrows pointing the direction. We are lost, sometimes just walking straight ahead sometimes in a circle but all walking a journey we never expected to walk. How can you or anyone help, sounds like such a simple question but the truth is those of us walking this journey have no idea on how you can help us. We do not know what we need, we do not know where this journey will take us therefore we have no idea what to ask for or to take with us, and even when we do know what we need it is hard to put into words,or for people like me who has never asked for help but always given it, it is hard to say "please help me". If you know someone traveling this journey, be it a child, a spouse, a parent, or someone he/she is very close to, do not ask what can you do or what do you need because unless you can bring our loved one back to us we will not have an answer for you. So again you ask, "what can I do to help?" talk ti them, share your memories of the person with them, our biggest fear is our child will be forgotten, show us he/she will not be. Make dinner for them, not only in the days after but even months after. There are some days (four months later) that it is hard and exhausting to try and figure out what to make, or if you can decide to actually get up and do it.Do not tell then "call me if you need..." if you think he/she will need help just go do it. Grief is exhausting, months and years after the actual loss and for most of us there is no time to grieve. For me, the first week was a blur, we found out, started making plans, had her service, that week I was (as most parents are) in shock. The second week, I walked around in a daze trying to make sense of it and couldn't. The third week I had to go back to work, I get home at 5:30, have to try and clean, figure out dinner, take care of animals, do shopping if I need something and go see my daughter, where I get five or ten minutes to grieve and then it is back to life. A life I don't want because it is not the life I had planned and don't know what to do. So please do not ask us what we need, just do.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thought I would post this link to another Beyond Indigo member's blog...he lost his wife who was from Finland. He shared photos of what the Finnish do to honor their loved ones...photos on this post are beautiful in that the loved ones are not forgotten...

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2013/12/lives-matter.html

Susan and others, think we kind of hit a low spot...I guess we will just "hold one another's hands" for now...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...once again...we have to thank you for sharing what you gather...what you glean...

that is so beautiful in Finland....I feel as if I spread my arms around such a large circle now...I just got off the phone with my sister...that baby sister...I was 10 when she was born...

my Dad had this favorite saying..."Me, Mom and Susie had Bubu and Becky"....

...she lost an amazing Renaissance husband 3 years ago....a one of a kind...then she lost John David, too....grief is not for one...

we have enough for everyone...

[tanmanmymagicman]

dee and all I will try and come back more......Honestly I was so raw..... so scared so frozen....for years frozen ...a lot of wasted days grieving and it hurt. it like bad enough we have to lose our child but now ...... we are lost too? I indeed will NEVER forget this site........in my first year...... the company I worked for went bankrupt and I had lost my job 2 weeks before my Tanner got in is accident..... my husband s work slowed too....... we were in deep trouble.....mentally and I was scared financially for the first time in my life............. Dee I will always remember you suggesting to go bag groceries:) will never forget it.....Im still working but im not an accountant........ I was an escrow officer for many years so I reinvented myself and became a mobile notary(marsha) had given me that idea.. when she mentioned one day she was waitng for a notary to come to her home.......... omg...its been almost 5 years and what a blessing I WAS given......I feel GOD had a hand in my self employed business......... it took my mind off my constant dwelling on ... losing my son ( BUT SO NOT FAIR) he did not get a life!!!!!!!!!!! .... I am now wanting to slow down alittle so we shall see........... I do take anti depressants? so that may part of being able to be happy and live alittle..... still hate the grocery store but now I love to shop ....before I could not drag myself out to shop I hated it and if I was at the store I would walk around in a daze ..... could not make choices...... uggghhhh....... im sure im not out of the woods but I DO TOTALL UNDERSTAND YOUR deep the pain and feeling of hopelessness and I totally get it............. but while it does not feel like it..... YOU will get part of your previous life back............ but yes the simple life for me.....I tell customers "nice meeting you enjoy your new home now im going home to my husband and my bulldogs.... we have 2...English bulldogs Tucker and Pearl. they give us peace and comfort.............

[ericasmom]

Oh Cindy, I hope I did not offend you to say go bag groceries, I do remember that too. I remember that you were really afraid for the finances and the work you had done was hard on you if I am remembering correctly, so I thought, well you can probably get insurance and a small wage if you work at a grocery chain, and regular raises, and you don't have to take your work home with you...so glad that you have carved a new and simpler life from the ashes of losing your Sweetie Tanner. We change and we don't recognize our lives for a long while, don't recognize ourselves either after losing our Child, but eventually we chisel away at our lives adn keep what we can and want to keep and we blend the old with the new and find our way. Three cheers to you.

[JD99501]

I am always The dark cloud here. I am not looking for sympathy or even a real response. I am just here to say that Oct12th .I. Attempted suicide. Needless to say the people around was keen enough to catch on before I slipped away.

My son passed away 2007 here we are moving into 2013. Some have said we must move on. I dont know what they are talking about. You stumble on maybe but move on I dont think so.

The sun may forget its rays, or the clouds its rain, or the mountians its sand. What we experience in life is not simply tossable.

Yeah I thought I moved on too.............I was quickly reminded of how I fooled myself...........in the back of that ambulance not really caring if I made it.

Just because people are telling you to move on........doesnt mean they want you to move on.......they just cant handle the depth and jagged nature of having your child die. What do they know? And would you really wanting them to know? I dont. Its enough I suffer.

So dont get any grandiose ideas of just "moving on".........you might not be riding in an ambulance.

[ericasmom]

Surreal, I am sorry that you were in such despair that you tried to take your life...I hope that in 2014 you will find and relish a reason to live in this world, to stand in the light of your Son's love. Personally I find that after 10 years I have moved forward carrying my Girl in all I do. I think the best I can do is to live as fully as possible bringing her into each day.

Cold as can be here today, 1 degree, though sunny of which I am grateful. It was so dark all day yesterday.

Shannon, love the tree, love that she wanted to plant a tree and I do think that the saying on a plaque will be beautiful.

Susan, who are you quoting when you wrote at 9:19 last evening? I seem to have lost a connection to who spoke those words.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....that was from a posting on the Compassionate Friends on FB.....I thought it really spoke of how 'we the parents' really don't know what we need...for we are so lost when we lose that child...we almost become 'childlike' and bumble around....

the other posting came from a Prayer Book my sister gave me...once again...when we offer up a 'Why'....

[Mermaid Tears]

[Jeff's Mom]

Surreal, I am sorry that you were in such despair that you tried to take your life...I hope that in 2014 you will find and relish a reason to live in this world, to stand in the light of your Son's love. Personally I find that after 10 years I have moved forward carrying my Girl in all I do. I think the best I can do is to live as fully as possible bringing her into each day.

Cold as can be here today, 1 degree, though sunny of which I am grateful. It was so dark all day yesterday.

Dee, your advice to Surreal could not have been said any better by any of us. Surreal, I too am really sorry that you felt that this was your only choice. It's hard isn't it? This living process. Each day throwing us curves and twists and turns that are hurtful and often unexpected. I felt the way you do now after Jeff died. I honestly did not want to go on. To think of living a life with him no longer in it did not seem possible. I had lost one of the biggest reasons for my happiness in life and my life did not seem worth living for. In our depth of despair at our darkest hour... when there is nothing separating us between the here and hereafter except an act of desperation done in an attempt to end the pain... we are left to decide what it is we truly want. To live or to die. Most often people choose life. At that moment when nothing or nobody can intervene except our maker. It is easy for people to give reasons to continue, but they are not you. Each one of us has our own unique personality and life. We need to try to focus on just living for one day at a time when we feel this way. Tying to throw ourselves into keeping as busy as we can. Sometimes reaching out and helping others helps to gives us a sense of purpose. It is a good feeling to think that you have made a difference. I remember your intention of experiencing adventure in your travels. As hard as this life is we have to work really hard at it to survive. Frequently it is in that attempt that we find that we have again found a new direction and peace once again. I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the very best. Kate

Shannon, love the tree, love that she wanted to plant a tree and I do think that the saying on a plaque will be beautiful.

Susan, who are you quoting when you wrote at 9:19 last evening? I seem to have lost a connection to who spoke those words.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you, Kate....I was progressing along on the path...and feeling so confident in my faith..and all that I learned in Sunday School...the child like faith....you know...we only have to have faith the size of a mustard seed...hey...I can do that...

and for all the words I have...for all the faith I have...for all the wonder and kindred spirit I have...

I am coming up empty...

but for all of you that have been here for so long...I am going to hang on...if you can do it...so can I...it is just so damn hard...

Susan, even in the dark a seed can take root and begin to flourish. It eventually reaches for the light and with love and care will grow into a thriving plant. It takes nourishment and so that is what we need to give ourselves. Self care and a ton of time and nourishment for our aching hearts. We have taken a terrible beating in our loss. Patience is not one of my virtues, but I can tell you with complete honesty that time does truly soften the edges around this pain.

[shorty16]

Surreal, it is brave of you to share your story on this site.

I have been on this journey for 5.5 years. We cannot move-on, but we can move forward and bring our children with us.

I needed to teach people how to treat me.

1. Say Brian's name, I may cry, but "Brian" is music to my ears.

2. If I cry, you did not make me cry.

3. Please do not give me advice on what I should do unless you too have lost a child.

4. Please just listen to me. No response needed other than a hug.

5. Make grief your friend

6. I need to make an effort to find happiness again. To channel my grief, because grief will not be denied.

These are just a few things I have done to make my life livable after losing Brian at age 16.

These are only suggestions, but they are from someone who knows.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4 ever

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, I have been wondering how you are getting along? I sure hope that things are working out for you and that your ankle is healing nicely. Please let us know how you make out with your MRI. Dee, it is so cold up here this week that we have had to leave the water slowly dripping in the lines to keep from freezing up. Last night it went down to -40C. Darned cold. It really is too bad as the kids are off for the holidays and they love to get outside for outdoor activities. Not going to happen this week. It's hard to believe that just last Friday it went up to -1C. The way this weather is fluctuating it is driving us all nuts. At least it is sunny!

[Jeff's Mom]

I would like to share a story with you. In fact it is a Christmas story with a very happy ending. A story of strength of spirit and a determined woman that refused to give up on her daughter and lived to see her move forward with her life. My friend died of cancer last January, but not after having the joy of seeing her girl safely moving ahead with her life. Her daughter had come to visit for the Christmas holidays with her two young boys. She had just left an unpleasant relationship and was under a ton of stress. One morning while visiting her parents she was late in coming out of her room. They were so busy playing with the kids that they just felt she was exhausted and was sleeping in. Eventually her mom walked into the room to find her lying on the floor. She had suffered a massive stroke. She was only thirty-four years of age. Her parents were advised by the Docs to let her go. That the situation was so serious that she would never be able to function properly again. She thought quickly and intently and refused to listen to them. After many months in the hospital she brought her back to their home to care for her. She was relentless in her drive to make her as well as she possibly could. Daily rigorous rehab that involved them both on the floor for ages at a time. Well, slowly, very slowly, it started to work. She refused to allow her daughter to give up. She pursued relentlessly. Eventually that girl reached a point that she was able to walk alone with a cane. To be able to talk again, but slowly and with deliberate care and thought. Today, she has remarried. She lived to see both of her sons graduate from high school and move on to university. She is now driving a vehicle that has been modified for her disabilities. She volunteers with other stroke victims and also one day a week at a nursing home. Had my friend listened to the Doctors she would have been dead for several years. I asked her why she did not listen to them. She told me that something i.e. "someone" told her not to let go. Her faith was strong in that voice and she listened. When she died last winter she told me she was ready to go and that she knew her girl would now be fine. And she is! The power of faith and love and the human spirit to survive is strong.

[ericasmom]

What a great story Kate, thanks for that. Your friend knew.

Yep, it is cold, colder by you. By Wednesday we will have more normal temps, 24 degrees, which to me is perfect winter weather and some snow to go along with it. Prior to the school break, I played in the snow with the kids at recess and hope that there will be a fresh batch upon returning.

Susan, thanks for the piece of writing. I am sorry that you feel you are coming up short. In our reconfiguration, we question all of our belief systems from our past. That scares many as they are afraid of believing in something that does not coincide with their lives previous to loss. In that they question if their lives made sense? The way I figure is however we get to today mattered and matters, change is inevitable and reorder comes when it must. THis is one of those times, I do believe you are on the crux of finding a bit of that. It does feel childlike, I agree, but what could be better really, than to be more tuned into our child-self? That is the intuitive piece of us. Just take some time if you have it, to listen to that little girl inside, to that Gramma of yours who kept her inner-child well fed. Yes, we are more vulnerable now because we know what it has taken to get to now, but really, we were always this vulnerable and did not know it.

Remember what George Harrison said on his last album when he knew he was dying; You can't be lost if you don't know where you're going.

Sometimes, being lost is the only way to find your way through the dark.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...what a story of 'Mama Love' that is....thank you for sharing...we all need some spirit filled stories to hang on to....and that is certainly one of them....

Dee...I 'think' what I am going through now...is the 'thoughts' that have come up...that I will march into 2014...and I don't have a footprint of John David in 2013.....in 2013 there were still the 'touchstones' of 2012....

in the past when anything hard would be upon me...I would always reach back for a reference from the strong women in my life...one of those 'well she did this or that'...or 'she went through this or that' and I could always find my footing in knowing if they got through their storm...I could get through my storm....

in my family there are many stories that are passed down to generations of women...

and you are right...I do feel 'child like' in the sense that I can't get my footing....in the march to 2014....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Surreal, it was brave for you to share your pain with us...I offer to hold your hand...it is a hard journey at times...

...my son Jesse had wanted to go to Alaska about three years before he died...when we were considering this we read that especially during the winter months the darkness can be very oppressing...perhaps getting away to somewhere with more sun would help you...excessive darkness does not help one's spirit and causes even more depression...

I know of course this rotten grief is the root of it all but we try to find those small helps along the way...my prayer for you is that the Great Shepherd would find you and hold you in His love...

...I ask this everyday myself, it is not a lightly spoken prayer, it is what I pray when I am in the rages of grief, because I am so lost there is no hope of me finding anything but in Him finding me...

Wishing you peace and gentleness...

Laurie

[ericasmom]

Susan, I have no doubt that you will get your footing, and over the years ahead, your footing will change to make accommodations to other changes in your life. I think that when we are on the crux of change, we look backward and forward to try to gain insight as to how large our steps need to be, or how many steps we have taken...we gage our position as though we are cartographers creating a new map and in many ways we are. And that is not a bad thing, we might feel stuck, or we might feel overwhelmed, but we might just be working through to the next phase, the next steps.

[ericasmom]

[ericasmom]

At the concert for George, after his death, his Son, his best friend Eric Clapton, all of his good and wonderful friends came together to pay tribute to this man who tapped into what the essence of life and death. His beliefs make my heart happy.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you for the words...and the song....Dee....you always seem to know where 'we' all are on this path...

I have been so 'stuck' ever since the 26th...

Kate...thank you for your sharing and words...

it does take 'one' to help 'one'...

I do know that many have been right where I am now....walking in the same shoes...

[SamDsmom]

I just got off the phone with the chief of police.They have ruled Sam's death an acaccident. Most everything in the autopsy was inconclusive. I hate those words. Not sure how I feel right now

Debbie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am sorry Debbie, be gentle with yourself today...I know it is hard to process this information...feels like your head wants to blow apart...

Hugs to you...

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie...there is just not any part of this journey that is easy....but so many on this site know where you are today....you do not walk alone...

[JD99501]

I was uptill 5am struggling with crap. My son passed from SUDEP. I go back and forth if he knew what was happening to him. It would be much more peaceful if I knew he didnt. I found him dead so I know exactly how it looked. He was already stiff and red and white foam was out of his nose. Face down in the pillow. Oh God please tell me he didnt Know.

That damn doctor never listened we told him something was wrong. I am going to ruin that man.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie this is such difficult time. Thinking of you today. Dee, thanks for sharing your words of wisdom and music. I always loved that song. And Eric Clapton knows what we are going through as well. Susan, the days turn into weeks and months...and then years. I seems as if Jeff has only been gone such a short time. Yet four years has passed. Both Ross and I find ourselves constantly going against the tide in our grief. Pushing ourselves to find that place of peace. We all agree to the fact that we feel as if we have been set afloat looking for land that seems unfamiliar. Eventually the days do take shape and some are better. Colleen mentioned earlier how there definitely are positives to look forward to. That in time you will again find happiness. It may not seem like it at this moment, but it will happen. It takes a lot of time and patience with yourself. You can't rush yourself through this. I love to garden. Several years back I purchased several lovely begonia bulbs. I managed to save them for a few years. At the end of the season I would cut back the flower and stem to about two inches from the bulb. I would let it dry out and dust the earth off and then place it in a paper bag. Each one labeled by colour, etc. Placed them in a cool dark place and leave them. In February I was always delighted to see that they have sprouted shoots and were ready to be planted in the light. They grew like crazy with love and attention. Many people remarked at why I would attempt to bother with something that appeared to be withered and dead. I felt like that bulb after Jeff died. Eventually with nurturing and care I started to grow again. Finding my way to the light and hopefully a new life. And you will as well with time.

[Jeff's Mom]

Surreal, again I am so sorry for your loss. I am afraid that I am not familiar with epilepsy to any extent. I do know that the last moments of our child's life is something that we all struggle with. It is devastating to be in a situation such as ours. Yes, we look to find answers and often find fault with someone...anyone...that can help to take some of this pain away. I can only offer that in time I hope you would find that you no longer desire to fill your heart with a need for vengeance. I too was so angry with Jeff's doctor for not following through when we called about how he needed to be seen immediately. I have learned in these four years that the only way I am going to move forward is to let it go and to know he is at peace... and nothing but nothing can bring him back. I find that spending time honoring my son in positive ways is what gives me comfort. When you are able we would like to hear about your son. Hang in there. Kate

[Steve s mom]

Surreal,

Your son had epilepsy? My son too died suddenly from a dysryhmia and cardiac arrest.he was resuscitated and then later died of brain death several days later.a few of the days in Icu he could hear us and communicate in some ways if you can understand that.i asked him if he knew what happened if he had any pain( during the initial arrest) he indicated he did not.i believe your son did not suffer either.i also am a nurse who has cared for many patients that survived resuscitation they all said they didn't suffer,they were taken away to a wonderful place ,it was only after they were revived that they were once again aware of any pain.i believe your son went peacefully to that wonderful place and didn't suffer.i am sorry that you like me are left behind to suffer because of his loss.

[SamDsmom]

I was uptill 5am struggling with crap. My son passed from SUDEP. I go back and forth if he knew what was happening to him. It would be much more peaceful if I knew he didnt. I found him dead so I know exactly how it looked. He was already stiff and red and white foam was out of his nose. Face down in the pillow. Oh God please tell me he didnt Know.

That damn doctor never listened we told him something was wrong. I am going to ruin that man.

[shorty16]

Debbie, I am so sorry. Love to you. Colleen

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I am sorry, I know that there are no words that can bolster your heart right now, all I can offer is my ear to listen and my heart to hold you with.

Surreal, had your Son been diagnosed prior to his death? I am so sorry. Erica was in a terrible accident with a train, but she lived for 6 days. I know my driving thought was, did she know that she was about to be hit???I hoped not. Her friend went to a medium recently and the medium told her so many facts about Eri's accident. She said, " YOur friend was outside of her body immediately, even though she lived for several days after she was struck. She was not in pain.

I do think that for the most part, our Babies are already in the arms of angels when they are leaving, no pain, just warmth.

[SamDsmom]

I didn't finish my post earlier when I quoted Surreal. I guess what I wanted to say was that my heart goes out to you. I feel a closeness to everyone on here because if the commonality of our devastation. Some I can identify with more than others due to the similarity of our individual experience. Sam didn't die slowly add in a hospital but I will never stop wondering (torturing myself) if he laid on those tracks and knew that train was coming and could not get up. The thought that he knew it was coming is more than I can bear.

Every morning and other times during the day I think about how wonderful it would be if the Lord let me die today. But I can't do that to my loved ones. The thought if putting them through that again keeps me going for just one more day.

I will hold you in my prayers.

Thank everyone for the support and prayers. I think now i am supposed to start this closure business and i don't think I'm ready.

Another dark day. Debbie

[Sholl1955]

Oh, I just wrote a long post and lost it all. SUSAN, I can understand where you are right now because I feel like I am in the same place. My Sarah died a few months before your son. This holiday season has been so hard and seems to have gone on so long. Yes, I too believe that part of it is due to the fact that there have been no new special moments for our children in 2013, and there will be none in 2014 or the years to come. I don't know how to walk this road, but I will walk beside you Susan and maybe we can learn together how to navigate the days ahead. SURREAL, I am sorry for the incredible pain you have been through. It took courage for you to come and share, but I know that you know it is a good place and a safe place just to be you. There are good caring people here so keep coming and sharing. DEBBIE, I cannot imagine how hard it is to hear those words. My thoughts and prayers are with you. KATE, I truly cannot imagine living where it gets so cold. I live in Indiana and our weather changes constantly, and it gets cold, but nothing like you have. I think of you and Ross and continue to pray. Treatments and tests get old and he has been dealing with it awhile now, and you have been right by his side. LORA, I was thinking of you today and your busy schedule. Has your son gone back to Chicago? SHANNON, you are in my thoughts and I hope you are getting some rest and relief from the anxiety this week. Dee, thank you for being here to encourage and offer words that help all who walk this journey. I don't think we live too far apart. Maybe one day we can meet and have a cup of tea and chat. My heart has been drawn today to the mother of the precious 13 year old in California whose tonsillectomy turned out so terribly wrong. Her pain and love for her daughter is so obvious. I hope that she has a good support group surrounding her now and that they will remain by her side once the decisions are made. So tragic. Such hard decisions to have to face. Hoping for a restful night for all tonight. Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....no one....not one person on this site will tell you when or how 'closure' comes to you...that is simply your rules...your game....the ball is in your park...

we tell people that there is no finish line...or start time....or 'buzz...the bell goes off' and you are done....

it doesn't happen that way....or should it....so....you have all the time in the world to find your footing...

but we understand...that 'some people' around us or you....will want to get on down the road...

your grief is heavy to you....and your grief is heavy to them....

they just don't want to deal with it....

and please...just smile and let them get on with their lives....but you have all the time in the world to have your grief...your time of mourning...your time to cherish your SONshine boy...

Surreal....I was not there when my John David passed....

if I had known...I would have run barefoot over nails to get to him....

it wasn't to be.....but.....I don't know if this will help you or not....

but I am going to see a medium....I don't know 'who' ...or the 'when' ....but I am...

I have had too many people that have been to one to tell me....'there is no way they could have known so many details'....I know some are 'idiots' but.....some are the 'real thing'....

Kate...thank you for your words ....your stories...

Dee and all on here....I guess I am just standing in a 'lost gap'...

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart, too....many on this site will face the New Year...and know there was not a footprint in 2013 for our child....

and yes....this holiday season...I didn't want to decorate a tree....shopping was like walking in mud...the only highlight was going to see my grandson in the musical 'White Christmas' in SA...and then any time with the grandchildren...but....it was a hard one...

I realized that is why people take a cruise...or go ANYWHERE...but where the memories are....

they must need to make new memories....and that is a good thing...

"we will all muddle along somehow"....

each of us have unique situations...unique memories...unique circumstances in how we have to deal with our grief...but having common ground in the respect we have for each other and our grief is what we need the most....and here....we have that for each other.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee... I believe that, too....that our children were 'in the arms'...

[Jeff's Mom]

Surreal, holding you close this winter night. We here on this site are all walking in the same shoes. Don't give up. There is so much beauty and joy to living. Our children most definitely want that for us. If you are up to it...please tell us about your son if you can. What was he like? Thinking of everyone this evening. Off to cozy up in front of the fire and watch TV. Oh my, it is cold as blazes tonight. Wade...hope you are Ok. Trust hdrive went well. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

I know I am ...nor my South Texas as cold as you are...but...for us...we are cold...geez..I don't know how ya'll can take it....my Northern friends....hope all are warm and doing ok...I really do...I don't think we have had this kind of 'cold' before January....will have to learn how to layer...and layer the clothes....John David loved this weather....he knew his Mama could not go below 70...sweet boy....

[Sholl1955]

Kate I was hoping you had a fireplace to snuggle in front of with the cold temps. We have never had one but always thought It would be nice. I imagine your home and views very beautiful in spite of the cold, Have a good sleep. Sandy

[tobyfreefoot]

someone tell me this will get better. i just feel blah. am i ever going to regain my enthusiasm and lust for life? it is so gone------------->

zip completely. i had days off and didn't do anything, didn't want to do anything. didn't go outside. i live on 40 acres because i love the woods but i have barely been out there in the last 2 1/2 years. i just don't do anything but mindlessly play 3 in a row video games. i feel pretty good when i'm with my grandaughter but mostly i sleep, stare into the fire do nothing. i use to be so much fun and have so much fun. my daughter had a dream last night with me and all her sibs including forest. we had a time travel balloon. it didn't have a basket just metal bars you had to hang from under the flames. it went 500 miles per hour 5 miles up in the air. she said everyone else was afraid "but mom you were like balls to the wall, let's go!" now i wouldn't move to go outside to see one fly over. i don't feel like i think of forest all the time or even feel actively sad just nothing nothing nothing. or like i'm sad in a place i can't get to. like there is a tight lid screwed down on it. it didn't help i didn't get to see my mom probably. all these days off i never left the house sewed or anything.

take tha i did get out today to set an electric trap for pack rats because they are driving me crazy. i looked under the house to see where i wanted to put it. there was a concrete block with a pop bottle and a sprung rat trap wedged in it. pack rats are cute and funny but noisy as hell. the other animal story of the day was one of my cats was on a rampage knocking things over and dashing around. something started hissing then fell. she punctured a febreeze can and it was spraying out the side!

haven't called lynn since before christmas. can't even help a friend. that is not my norm. please tell me it is going to get better than this.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, it will get better than this, the holidays, your Mom, your friend's Child...and you are still fairly early on this journey too. Those things that gave you joy in the past are not able to provide you this right now, like being outdoors in the woods. Sometimes we resist doing these things because we know it will feel different, but it might be there that we also find some nugget of gold, some tiny piece of something good to grow and to nurture. Maybe anyhow. It might be that a whole new set of experiences are needed to allow you to 'FEEL' again.

Each New Year's Eve, I like to write down my hopes for the new year. Some years, I also write a list of those things that have been hurtful or disappointing from the year. At midnight or thereabouts, I go outside and stand in my frozen garden and burn the list, casting it to the universe, letting it go. Letting it go because I cannot always carry it. I say some prayers to my Girl as the list burns, to our Creator I send my hope and my love out into the frozen night and hope that the energy I release blends with the energy from others around the world to help find that sense of goodness in this universe.

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen, same here. He's gone and it seems as if the very life has been sucked out of me. He was so full of life and energy. He brought so much laughter and joy to my life. I feel as if a light has been turned off and I am fumbling through a sort of twilight. Lost and unable to find firm ground. For me the best I can hope for are days that are filled with activities that keep me preoccupied. My mind focused on things other then why did this have to happen. But those days do happen and more frequently. This numbness is a part of coming to terms with their death. The mind cushioning the blow. The need to process what the heck happened and is this actually happening. The reality settling in. The fear and panic that builds when we see that it is permanent. The knowing that we have to live our lives as best as we can without them in it. I do believe that others such as Dee and Carol have shown us that with effort we can achieve that goal. That happiness will again take over. Always an ache in our hearts when we think of them but still life continues. Sandy and Susan, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, this cold snap is brutal this time. Global warming...my foot! There is a still and magical beauty today as I look out into the yard. The air is frigid and crisp. The sun is shining on the snow and it is a pure white. Glistening like a million diamonds thrown across the yard. The sky is an intense deep blue. And I'm happy to report that my pileated woodpecker was spotted again yesterday on the tree. The dreaded bird as pesky as he is was a concern to me when he failed to show up this past week. I was sure he had succumbed to the cold. There is a very healthy and active fox that lives not far from our yard. He has the most bushy tail and appears quite happy. There are signs all around of life continuing. Today we are off to the city to run a few errands. Thinking of everyone today and wishing you a peaceful day. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....thank you for sharing your New Years story....I think I will do the same....I can write my list all through the day....and then let it burn....maybe like the Phoenix...something new can rise from the ashes....

Gretchen...I got the 'notion' that you were a 'fun filled free spirit'.....and I was/am a 'push ahead' ...workaholic...get-r-done...10 plates in the air....caretaker...list maker...appointment maker...reservations maker..business owner....shape a theme.....spirit.

Loss of John David has changed me....as of today....I really don't know 'where my feet will land'...I am still in a free fall.....

maybe you are, too....

I have been in such a 'gap' the last few days....who knows...maybe the change is so profound..(within us).....and we can't see the forest for the trees....hmmm...

I have been meaning to tell you that the names Forest and Marshall are the names used in the Eldridge family....over and over....I have never met anyone that had both names in their family.....my Dad's brother was Forest...his other brother was Lawrence Marshall...they called him L.M.

I am sure that many that have been on the grief path much longer than you and I can tell you how they changed...and what stages they went through....

maybe that is why I 'cocoon' now....I am being transformed....maybe you are, too....I wish I had more to offer....but the ones that have been on the site longer can better give you some words...sharing these with all today....

[ericasmom]

Susan, I do so love that quote by T.S.Elliot, thanks a ton for that. I have always looked at a New Year in a positive way. I know that leaving 2003, the year Eri died was deeply hard, knowing that 2004 would never hold her footsteps, her hand in mine, her laugh so loud, but I also was ready to say goodbye to that year that saw her leave. As it turned into a new year, I found that she did still hold my hand, her footsteps were and are embedded in mine, my laugh returned slowly at first but eventually fully and daily. A new year is a new chance, a time to refresh our hopes, to regain some balance and in it, strength. An old friend here, Bonnie, used to say: " Strength for the journey" Indeed, we need it and we learn how to generate it.

Our footsteps to this day have been up and down. Look back, see how far you all have traveled. Look at the holes you slipped in, the mountains jagged and steep that you climbed through the hardest and most terrifying time in your lives: the loss of your Baby. We will continue to carve out our paths, it will never be straight and even, why should it? But look for a minute or two and pat yourselves on the back for you have come through a long way and you need to see it to realize you are not weak, you are not spinning your wheels, you are traveling.

I love you All

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading all the posts. I'm in a place where it's just very hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Everything is very abstract for me right now. I wanted to post and let all of you know how much you mean to me, how much this "place" means to me. I'm so thankful for all of you. I'm so thankful for the way you all share your stories, your pain, your hope. In this way we help each other. I'm thankful for those of you on this path longer who keep coming hear to reach out your hand to those who need it so.

I have some little 'rituals' planned for tonight too. Dee, I think you had shared your story of what you do on New Years before and I thought it was perfect. I had purchased, a couple of weeks ago, a small 'cauldron' like pot. I also have the flying wish paper. Throughout the night we are going to write down anything negative we want to let go of for the new year and those will be placed in the cauldron. We will also write down messages for Trista along with our hopes and dreams for the new year on the wish paper. Just before midnight we will burn and release the negative and just after midnight we will do our flying wish paper to send our messages to Tris and our dreams to heaven. My Sis and Gram are hear with my nieces and nephew. Trista's best friend, Abby will be here too.

I hope doing these little things will make the night a little easier. I'm having a real struggle with leaving 2013 behind. I know I will carry my Girl with me into the new year but this is all so hard.

I wish peace and love to all of you tonight and that you feel your Angels close.

Love, Shannon