Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Have to keep this short, as my hands will not cooperate to type, so frustrating. I missed the appointment to have my MRI read, and had to reschedule for the 20th. Husband had to work, and daughter jusst did get a new job. I have muxh trouble holding onto things, and my legs not working right either. I feel like I am 90+. MIserable. Can't sit here any longer or I CAN'T get up without help, and there is nobody hereeeee now. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Golly Becky.....did these symptoms come on quick....? I remember only that you fell and broke your ankle....and when that happened you mentioned that your legs 'seemed funny'.....the only guess that I can make is that if your MRI showed anything serious....they would not put off giving you the results....but hopefully...there is something in the Dr.'s bag that can bring you healing. Prayers for you, our Warrior Mom...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, first let me send a virtual hug to  you....have they checked for Lyme's disease...later it can cause neurological problems...just thought I put that out there since it seemed like this came on so quick...

 

Are you able to get any help from your sisters or perhaps nieces/nephews? I know in the past they haven't been involved...

 

Keep us updated as you can, I know that it is hard to type....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Gretchen, when is Forest Bday? I do not see it listed...

 

Susan, the picture of Pebbies is beautiful...just viewed it now....I am assuming that it is Laura Bush (not Barbara???) that is involved in the Bush library and reading stories to the children...that would be really exciting for the kids...

[Mermaid Tears]

The George H. Bush Presidential Library is in College Station....his wife, Barbara, had the reading...she has done this numerous times around Houston and area.....the George W. Bush Presidential Library is in the SMU campus in Dallas....his wife, Laura, does readings, too...and she founded the Austin Book Festival...which is amazing...I love to watch C-Span on week-ends to see books reviewed and they always go to the different book festivals around the country.

   All the kids were so disappointed that they did not see her in person.....my cousin's triplets (all girls) got to see her...she came to their private school in the Woodlands....his wife, Pam, said there was no problem in getting people to volunteer for school that day.

 

My daughter, Pebbie and Hunter Bear took Lacey yesterday to be put to sleep....so heartbreaking to see the sorrow...but the book I ordered...'Dog Heaven' came today....it is so sweet....all of Randa's children have such tender hearts....Randa told them that John David was right there in heaven to greet Lacey...and now they have each other...and Lacey loved John David...really...all the animals did....

[Jeff's Mom]

What the Sam? Well, we headed outside to have a nice outing and the clipper that was "not to be" hit with a force. Could there be any more snow??? It was a total whiteout and we had to drive with the hazards going all the way back. If this keeps up I am going to float away like the Michelin Man. I need more exercise. Not being one to be too wild about the actual dreaded gym workout. I'm more into long walks.

Becky, oh my...sending huge "hugs" your way. I know this must be a real concern for you and your family. Have you suffered a slight stroke perhaps? You have been under so much pressure. Please take good care of yourself.

Susan...the reading would have been wonderful to have attended. What I would give.

Laurie, we used to drive to Wisconsin a few years back to Spring Green. We frequently stayed in Madison and also ad an opportunity to tour the Frank Lloyd Wright summer mansion. I absolutely loved it there. I remember stopping into an Amish furniture store in a small town called LaCrosse. The furniture was just lovely and beautifully handcrafted. I still remember passing some children walking home from school carrying their books. A horse and trap stopped to pick them up just as we passed them by.

Lora... Thanks again for posting the video of Coldplay. I admit I really like them too. He must have played that song on his way back home that day. I still can't believe this is true. Four whole years now. Does not seem possible. It seems like a year ago or so.

Thinking of everyone and sending warm wishes...but not the snow. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

(((HUGE HUGS FOR BECKY)))
 
Kate, Sorry that your outing did not happen, we had the white out yesterday. Thomas my son, got stuck on the road going to work...he was pushing snow with the car...
 
I know the area of Spring Green and have been in some of Frank Lloyd Wrights homes/buildings, I always wanted a home inspired by his architecture.

 

Thought about the line in your post, "I admit I really like them too. He must have played that song on his way back home that day. I still can't believe this is true. Four whole years now. Does not seem possible. It seems like a year ago or so."

 

Isn't it strange that time seems so frozen...and there are happenings from that day forever in our mind...it both binds us to them and yet causes sadness...

 

I have been in a place where I have not been able to look at Jesse's stuff...I  have read from others that this can swing back and forth, some days you want to look at their artifacts and other days it is just too much...

 

 

[mysonrich]

Susan, Rich took me aside on Christmas 2008 and asked me to listen to a song on his.new stereo. It was Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. We included the lyric in his service program. Last song I woke to in my thoughts was walking on the sun by smash mouth

It was 10F so I wonder about that.

Doing better with this finger typing I believe.

Becky, I'm not very far

away if you need help. Near Mercer County NJ

Wade, thanks. Driving and being out of doors helps.

Kate, feeling better, thanks.

Was at the library

[mysonrich]

Ok. So I need practice with this :-\

[Mermaid Tears]

Betsy....isn't that something...? With 'Simple Man'...I woke up with it in the background...and I had to finally do some research to find what I was listening to....I don't 'remember' hearing it before...but my mind is rather murky at times....what a journey this is...

 

Becky....was wondering if you got around some 'chemical'....?

[Jeff's Mom]

I feel in this past while as if I am slowly emerging from a deep sleep. One that was self imposed. Everything seems so strange and yet familiar. Almost like floating through the motions of existing. Like a time traveler. If this is what it is like they can keep it. Post Traumatic? Whatever this is...I sure wish it would go away. I reach for something tangible and find it slips through my fingers. I am standing on shifting ground. I need to find that security again. Oh, this is such hard work.

Wade...you may want to consider watching something lighter on TV late evening. Enjoy your dinner with Brooks friend. How lovely that they had a new baby.

Kate

[bevlove7944]

Someone help.  I just lost my 33 year old daughter to complications of a panic disorder, bad marriage, and overall depression.  I am in the rethinking phase of could I, should I, how did I fail her. I have to tell you I tried to get her involuntary admitted, only to be turned down.  Did the tough love thing to get to to commit to an intake interview.  They missed her by hours.  The grief is terrible.  Those who have gone thru this please advise next steps.  I have a counselor, working on trying to find a grief counseling group, but every day is a challenge.

[Jeff's Mom]

Let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I want you to listen to me closely. First of all...you must not blame yourself. From reading your post it is clear that you tried to take the necessary steps to help your daughter. Depression is a dark beast. It is a very real illness... as real as any other physical illness.

My son died four years ago from depression. He was a happy and well adjusted young man. He kept his pain hidden... mostly because of the fallout from society. He had a steady job, did not take drugs, and did not have any really harmful habits. Yet this did not stop him from walking into his room a mere few days prior to Christmas and dying. I am convinced that he suffered from a chemical imbalance that required meds. No different than a diabetic with insulin, etc.

I am so glad to see that you are seeking counseling. Also, please know that you will manage to carry yourself through this period. I know it may not seem so right now. But you will find the inner strength to keep going.

There are others on this site that have experienced suicidal thoughts, and also those that have lost children to this act. You are not alone and do not have to shoulder this pain on your own. We are all at different stages of our grief and so we offer what we can from our own experiences. But know this...we understand and care. Hold on. You will eventually see the light. Holding you close. Kate

[ericasmom]

Dear Belove,

I am so sorry that your Daughter died, that she left with depression and anxiety. You could not save her just like everyone here, we could not save our Children. It was not in our power to do so. We all lost our Kids and I don't think that there is anything that leaves you more powerless, more confused and conflicted, it just undoes us. Why wouldn't it? We are shattered but after a long while of learning some basic survival skills, we learn to take steps into the hour, the day, the week, we begin to build a bit on what we learn. We slip backwards many times, but remember, we have all done this. WE are here to help you find your steps, to help you do this through listening. We listen really well.

My Girl died 10.5 years ago, her car was struck by an AMTRAK. There are a few of us old-ones here, here the longest and we stay because we find that we have a purpose in our loss by staying. We want to encourage you all to believe that you are still here for a reason. Those reasons are not readily felt or seen, but they will become more clear as time goes by. I welcome you here adn hope that you will let us more about your Sweet Daughter and yourself.

 

I have been inundated with meetings and I have not been able to log on from school on my breaks for the last few days. I have not read much and so can't post much. I am thinking of you all, wishing everyone a good night. Make a wish on the full moon.

[ericasmom]

Becky, goodness knows this sounds serious and it must be difficult to wait and not be able to do the things you usually do. I am sending prayers like crazy. I was thinking lymes disease as well, did they take blood to look at that? I hope as the others do, that the doc will find what is doing this to your movement and be able to make a fix. Didn't you have some surgery a long while back for nerves in your arm? Could there be compression on your spine? Prayers.

[Mermaid Tears]

Beloved...many on this site have the arms and intelligence to lead and help you....

Kate...has been through the fire...and now...she is 'golden' with how she can reach you and help you....you are not alone on this journey....not ever...not one step...

[lovU2themoon]

Wanda....have you gone back to work ? Is your daughter still with you? Just know we are here to hear you...

Susan, I take great comfort in knowing you all are here. No, i have not gone back to work, just not ready too, I am getting out, my daughter and i joined an art class, I have started to knit. Scarves, slippers, hats. i find i am so exhausted still. We have an excellent disability program thru my work, and i was able to take 16 weeks sick leave thru the Government. So, i am able to grieve and go at my own pace, i do feel very fortunate to be able to do this, as i do know many can't. They financially are not able to take the time. Lindsay will stay until the next university year. She is taking classes here to keep up so she doesn't fall behind

 

Wanda, I understand completely about closing the day each evening, hoping for rest and escape of pain...know that your smiling Lane is holding you close and rooting for you as you try to find the energy to face another long day, one day those will hold more promise.

Thanks Dee, i feel sometimes i am waiting, waiting till this is all manageable. waiting for the day that holds more promise. Waiting for the pain to ease.

 

Shannon, i love your lamp story, I want so bad to feel my Lane, and know he is here, but i will wait for the signs. I think we need to believe our children are around us, another survival technique for living after our kids have died, i don't think i could stand it if i didn't think he was safe and happy and around me.

 

Lora, the pictures of the Amish funeral hurt my heart. Another loved child taken from his family. 

 

This is a song that Lane and i had looked up 4 days before he died, the singer is a past "boys band" member, and we wanted to here the song, it now takes on so much more meaning, and it plays on the radio almost every time i am in the car.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpzpeHl5gBA

 

 

or this one, Lindsay say it reminds her so much of her little brother.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oAn81h21aQ

 

and again, it plays every time we are in the car, makes me cry.

 

 

Wishing you all peace tonight.

 

 

Love, Wanda Lane's mom forever.

[SamDsmom]

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks to all that sent me hugs today, really needed them! I had surgery on my neck, removing c6 and the disks below and above in 2012, only 8 months after losing JD. Before the surgery I had lost all feeling in both my arms and hands and it helped alot but now that is back, though not as bad, and in addition the legs feel like lead when I try to get up or down or walk. scary, don't want to be stuck like this. I will surely ask about testing for lyme disease. 

 

Stroke? OMG, I hope not! Nobody really close by to help me, but my daughter and hubby are doing their best. It's hard for them, because I am usually busy busy, but not now. 

 

A little six year old boy here got hit just a few days ago, and i have been in touch with his mom. He has aleady had two surguriES  and is facing more. ( I can't stop hitting the wrronggg keyssaaa. SOrry) I just wanted her to know thattt even though her boy survived, that i knew something about blaming and second guessing yourself, she seemed glad to talk to me. I hope I can be some help. I am still such a mess, cry everyday, feeling such injustice. It was aa 16 year old that hit this little 6 year old boy, but at least he will survive, and at least the 16 yr. old was remorseful, far more than our exxxperience. Gotta quit, can't type anymoe.

[wgreenlee]

Becky...

 

I am praying so hard for you.  Will be hoping for good news from the MRI.  I'm thinking too that they would have rescheduled sooner if it was urgent.  Please let us know when you can.

 

Betsy...

 

Thinking of you as Rich's angel date approaches.  And that is so wonderful of you to offer your help to Becky.  True friends through everything.

 

Beverly...

 

So sorry...thinking of you now.  I am sad all the time, thinking of "what ifs," but know in my heart that there wasn't anything I could have done to save my son.  Doesn't hurt any less, but it's true nonetheless.  I will eventually come to grips with that, and hope for you as well.  Please take care of yourself and know that everyone here will be with you on this grief journey.  I don't think I would have made it myself, without the love that was shared with me here.  Share with us...let it out if you want...we all know.

 

Kate...

 

I know what you mean by watching something light on tv...normally do.  Lots of Family Feud...Big Bang Theory...Discovery Channel.  I sometimes feel like I'm almost punishing myself to keep Brooks closer.  Can't get grips on that...

 

Lora...

 

Thank you so much for the headstone idea.  First one I've seen like that.  You are the best...so hard to do this alone...but I'm not alone...thank you, God.

Will be finishing his wooden headstone this weekend, and am so excited to post it and show you all.  Little things to keep going.  My friend, Rod, is making me do it all by myself, even though he's good at woodworking.  He knows...  Was practicing using the router for his letters last weekend.  Praying for Todd.

 

Gretchen...

 

I thought the Pooh video was so appropriate for us.  My FB friends liked it too.  I would love to get back that innocence again...

 

Dee...

 

So glad you had an enjoyable trip.  And I smiled when you mentioned all the meetings...me too.  They don't seem to ever end.  I always get a little laugh when I still hear people say how easy teaching is...if they only knew.  I seriously can't remember the last day when I didn't get to work early or leave late.  But it's all good.

 

Well, Brooksy, had a good meal with Chad and Ronnie.  We had KFC.  Mom bought a couple cakes...extra chocolate and coconut.  Ronnie sure can eat.  Packed up a bunch of food for them afterwards.  Kept thinking about how you always brought Chad home for lunch when they were hurting.  Funny thing, I forgot that you hadn't told me that story, but Chad had after you went away.  I'm sorry I forgot.  It just seemed like I heard it from you.  We talked about your basketball games.  Mr. Ward shared some stories with mom today.  He still thinks a lot about you.  You sure made a difference.  He talked about your Renaissance project and how you did a rap.  He was so impressed.  I hope he told you.  We talked about lots of other things that I will hold dear to my heart. I need to hear more of those.  I think you'll like the headstone I'm making for you.  You will always be behind the plate...  I miss you, bud.  Still not accepting very well, although today was a good day.  Need some time off at work, but can't really do it right now.  Want to feel you, son.  Erin visited you today.  We're seriously wearing out a path to your site.  You can see it in the grass.  Will see you tomorrow.  Visit me tonight.  Love you...Dad!

 

Peace to all tonight...praying for sweet dreams and better days...praying for healing to those of you in need...warmer weather and sunshine to those of you up north.  Thinking of those of you who have been missing from us lately and praying that everything is ok.

[Melodyannhudson]

I'm not sure how the adult forum works in comparison to the loss of a child forum so I just found this reply area and decided to see where it leads me.

I'm trying to make some kind of contact here I guess that I haven't been able to accomplish on the other forum. I started out alright and made a few friends I still talk with on fb but since the very beginning I feel like I just either post at In- opportune times or maybe because sometimes I'm not on for periods of time but felt like good thing because no one ever seems to respond even when I've tried reaching out to others so idk. I just know it's been a very lonely road and I'm coming up to my 17 yr. old at the time daughter Aundria's 4th angel date anniversary on Sat. And have been very anxious and panicky. It feels like yesterday and like I get the news everyday.

My other half has wanted to sell our home and move away thinking staying in the same house is holding us back but I feel closer to her here where I feel comforted at times that I can "see" her in memories around every corner. I haven't even been able to do anything about her room or her things let alone think about moving. I'm afraid of regretting a decision like that and feeling even farther away from her if that's even possible. Has anyone done any of this and what were your feelings on these issues and how did it work out for you?

I pray for peace in life for everyone here on this journey that we take and face everyday.

[mikesmomrs]

Melody...I just came on to read a bit before bed and saw your post.  I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful Aundria (such a beautiful name).  I am sorry you have felt not answered or listened to...don't know what to say about that.  I am not on all the time, as I lost my husband in August of 2012 and it set me reeling.  We lost our son, Mike, in Oct of 2006 (to brain cancer, at the age of 31), and had shared our grieving, our healing and our memories.  After my husband passed, that "sharing" was gone and it seemed almost as if I lost our son over again, so the healing has been slow and murky, with rays of light coming through a little more often over time.  We here all know well and understand the feelings you are describing, especially those of feeling as if it was yesterday, and as if you get the news again everyday.  I can tell you about our experience with moving after our son's passing.  We were having to downsize because of my husband's arthritis (and my own, as well) and he couldn't do the stairs very well any longer.  So, we looked for a smaller place and finally found one in late 2007.  I too had those feelings of not wanting to leave.  Our son had done hospice at our home, and had passed in what was our dining room, transformed into a bedroom for him at the time.  At first after his passing, I couldn't even walk by the room.  but then I had to attend the funeral of a friend's 5 year old granddaughter (just one month to the day after my son's passing) and the words of the pastor rang in my heart and helped me very much with the dining room issue.  He said that little Taylor (who had cancer and died at home, also) had been "prepared for her entrance to Heaven" by the love of her family, who took care of her and provided what comfort they could, even transforming her room into a "mini-castle" fit for a princess.  Her parents did not know what to do with the room now.  He went on to say that the room was now very much a sacred room, a room in which she was loved and lovingly prepared to journey  "from her earthly home to her heavenly home."   When I came home that evening, I looked at that room in a whole new light.  From then on, I found peace there, and sometimes would just sit and rest, remembering.  Then, when we spoke of moving, I was devastated at having to leave that room behind.  it was the last place my son drew breath.  It was where he began his journey to his eternal life (although, in a way, we do begin that very journey at the time of our birth, don't we).  I would sit in the room at times, and try to remember everything that happened there, even the sadness, so that I could "take it with me."   Well, it wasn't until a year later that we actually moved, and by then, after much sharing and praying, I had come to terms with it.  I saw it as a progression in my journey of healing.  I knew I could not take the room with me (nor any of the rest of the house that he had grown up in for 11 years of his life (from 8 to 19), before he went out on his own).  It takes time, and of course, you know by now that the "time" is different for everyone.  As for how it worked out for me, well, my husband and I, as I said, shared our loss and our healing, talking about Mike often (Mike left behind 3 young boys, 20 months, and 8 and 9 years old, and we saw them often and so the remembering of him was ongoing for us through them, as well.  We spoke about Mike every single day, for one reason or another we would find ourselves sharing some memory that would be triggered by something or other.  (and thus, why I felt almost as if Mike had died all over again, when his dad passed.) 

 

I know that you will find comfort and understanding here, and a truly "soft place to land."  Some have been on here for 10 years...Dee and Sherry, and I have been here for over 7.  It is a group of people on the same journey, traveling it in a different manner, yet having so many similarities and this alone can comfort us....just to know that we are not alone, that someone truly understands.  Dee said once that those of us who have been here longer are "leaving footprints behind for those who come behind us" to help them find their way. I believe this, and I hope that you will step into those footprints and find comfort and peace.

 

My daughter Cathi and I met with the lawyers yesterday for their "briefing" for the mediation meeting next week with the hospital on the "wrongful death claim" for the heart attack that took Ralph's life.  We are not going to court, as it would be years before we got anywhere, and reliving it over and over...and mostly we just want acknowledgement from them of what happened and what they have done to prevent it from happening to someone else.  After our lawyers read over the hospital records these past few months, even more "mistakes" were identified, to include that he received 10 mg of morphine over a period of 70 minutes, when, because of his respiratory issues, it was ordered that he only receive no more than 2-4 mg over a THREE HOUR time frame...as well as the fact that he said he didn't want ANY.  It was a difficult meeting yesterday, as we had to go over the whole thing again, in detail, and we will have to do this again next week, during the mediation hearing.  I just can't "let it fall through the cracks," like what happened with the issues with young Mike when he was there for his brain surgery ...when they put him in a coma for 44 hours because they didn't start the medication that the doctor had ordered that evening.  Additionally, they had put him in a room without supervision when he had just had brain surgery and he went into a seizure, there in the room alone (I had just left to use the bathroom), and fortunately did not tumble out of bed.  They had left him sitting up in the bed, without any restraints.  At this point, Mike could not walk any longer as he had no control over his right side movements.  They basically told us to take him home and take care of him; he will be dying soon, and they told us "We've done all that can be done," when they SHOULD have said "We've done all WE CAN DO and you should take him to a neuro-oncologist for more treatment.  We then had him transferred to Boston and there he had another brain surgery and they got another 50% of the tumor and Mike's right side control and movement was completely restored and he had an active additional 17 months after that.  So, enough of my rant. 

 

I say hello to all here, and send out my thanks to all of you for being here, for your love and comfort that you offer every time you come here.  Praying for you, BECKY , that you have good resolution to your health issues.   BETSY:  Thinking of you as Rich's angel date nears.  TRUDI:  It is now the 17th in Australia, and you are in my thoughts as you mark another milestone in your Micheal's story.  The years just don't seem to go any slower, and it is so hard to fathom the amount of time that has passed since our lives took such a drastic turn.  WADE:  Can't wait to see the wooden headstone you are working on...what a beautiful thing to do for your son.  BEVERLY:  So very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.   You are right, the grief is terrible.  It is too soon and raw for you to even think of being able to smile again or that healing might occur at some point.  Your pain is known and understood by all here...we hold you in our hearts.  You will find comfort here.  DEE:  So glad to hear that the outing with the kids went so well.  Chaotic, what with so many, but I know you look forward to it and I am glad you had a good day.  I loved the pics of your sweet grandgirl...such a darling.  And the gift from Shannon and Jon...so thoughtful and one you will treasure the memories it allows, forever.  LORA:  Indeed the pictures of the Amish funeral for the little one they lost brought tears.  We all know what they are going through and feel their pain.  SHANNON:  Feeling our beloved child around us truly helps and we can call on those memories when we face those days when the "pit" appears to try to swallow us again.  Loved the lamp story.  KATE:  prayers for your doctor's visit with Ross on Friday that all continues to go well.  GRETCHEN, LAURIE, SUSAN, SHERRY AND WANDA and anyone I may have missed...as always, I hold you all in my heart and in my prayers. 

 

As always, you all are in my prayers.

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Melody, we welcome you and I am sure you will find comfort here. I am sorry that your loss has bought you here. We all share your loss and know how difficult it is to return to "normal".

I lost my beautiful daughter in July last year (sounds a long time ago but feels like yesterday). Meagan had been ill for sometime but lost her life during a medical procedure. This was such a shock for us as the procedure was relatively simple.The trauma she went through before the surgery haunts me.

Meagan was a special needs child (25 yrs) . We were intending to move house so she could be near the respite facility and also we needed a single storey home.

We have recently purchased a home and moving over the weekend. I do have reservations of this decision but the memories of Meagan here is one of a sick child in pain. I am taking all her furniture and belongings and I intend to make a memory garden. I am trying to make a positive step to looking forward , it is difficult I know. I do hope I won't regret it. Only time will tell.

I will let you know how I go as time progresses.

I am sure you will find friends here. You are free to express your feelings without judgement.

Peace be with everyone tonite.

Jan

[Mermaid Tears]

Bevlove...Melody....on this site....it doesn't make any difference if your child was '2 or 50'....they are still our 'child'....your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....the common ground here is the grief and mourning...the path we walk has a beginning....but no finish line...and it is a hard dark walk at times....I lost my John David...and I am here for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child....and I need people who understand this foreign language I speak now....my human boat was going down...down...down....and the ones on this site threw me a life line....I call it coming up for air.

  That is what we do here.....we listen ...we put our hand out...we care....and....we understand.

  Many on this site not only have to deal with their grief....but many layers of issues...and they are all connected...and we will listen to whatever problems or people you are dealing with.

   Many do not have a strong circle of family or friends to support them...some do....some have been on this site for years...even 10 years.....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'...they are the ones on the grief path that are farther up and they wave to us....showing the way....for this path has no compass or map.....we have to take baby steps...or we can take 2 steps up and 3 back...this is simply a journey...

   I hope each of you will re-read past postings....you may find a word or words that will help you...let us hear from you....tell us what you have been going through...tell us about your child...and we always say....to be very kind and gentle with yourself...we call it 'self-care'...for grief is very dark and heavy..and there is simply no way to side step it...or jump over it...one must go through it....Peace to both of you...

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....your words really touched my heart this morning....thank you for sharing

[Jeff's Mom]

Melody, what a lovely name that you chose for your daughter. I hope you will tell us more about her when you are able. I do understand the struggle you are feeling about the decision to move or not. We are all on different levels in this thought process. Some of us embrace the memories and surroundings and others look to new beginnings. A very personal choice.

Jan, good luck with your move this coming weekend. It sounds as if making a memorial garden to your daughter is a wonderful idea. There are three families that live in close proximity to us that have all lost a young adult child. One place has built the most lovely garden. The girls name was Eden. She died suddenly from a blood clot after leg surgery. They purchased a large boulder and had a plaque attached to it. It is now called the Garden of Eden. It is filled with perennials and beautiful rose bushes. It is a comforting feeling to be actively involved in personally working on a tribute like that.

Another neighbor lost her granddaughter to brain cancer. They have also started a garden in her memory. Filling it with cheerful and lovely flowers that she loved. Wade and Sandy have plans also to plant a tribute at the cemetery. Sandy...that pink Gerbera sounds so perky and cheerful. I'm sure she would love it!

It was the night from hell last night. I can honestly say that in all of my life I have never, not ever... experienced anything like it. This is now becoming very concerning and one can't help but wonder what is coming. Tuesday night the temps plummeted to -29C. During the day it reached +3C. Strong gale winds that blew snow in swirls. It set off the motion detectors continually. It was the sound of the wind that was so unusual and the dramatic temp rising that was cause for concern. At one point on our nightly outing with the dog it was actually raining!!! I have a bad feeling about all of this. It is changing far too fast.

I am sending prayers and love to all for a better day. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....you are having some 'hoo-doo' weather....thanks for sharing about the Memory Gardens...I, too, am going to create a John David garden under my huge oak tree this spring...have been 'creating' it in my mind for months...also have to share something else where he will be remembered....later on that....

 

Shannon...how are you doing ?

Laurie...when is the next meeting ?

Wanda....you are doing 'good'....and we know how a shattered heart feels...hang on with both hands...I wish I knew how to knit...

Dee....when you have time...so many new ones on here....could you post your photo of the shaft of light on the path...and tell your story about it....I embrace that...

[Guest]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....you were telling your story of how you could hear Cara laughing over your flower arrangements....well....I 'tried' to make John David's special Chicken Alfredo recipe....I knew he was cringing..over how I 'didn't quite make it'....

[tobyfreefoot]

i realize electronica isn't everyone's thing but forest would have liked this i think.  my favorite lyric---

 

The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?

 

http://youtu.be/0iW5U4i-Z74

 

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late, for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone, in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue,
Locked, in your basement.

I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be the perfect warning,
That something's, a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way, you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice, on the other, end.

The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done,
It's late, for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs, to be finished.

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started,
Too late, for beginnings.
You're smaller than my wife imagined,
Surprised, you were human.
There shouldn't be this ring of silence,
But what, are the options?

When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.

When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.
When someone great is gone.

We're safe, for the moment.
Saved,
For the moment.

 

 

another one of my favorite lyrics---from dancing barefoot by patti smith

 

the plot of our life sweats in the dark like a face
the mystery of childbirth, of childhood itself
grave visitations
what is it that calls to us?
why must we pray screaming?
why must not death be redefined?
we shut our eyes we stretch out our arms
and whirl on a pane of glass
an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree
the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women.

[tobyfreefoot]

i was looking up my old house to see what it was selling for and when i keyed in the address this came up

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Beverly and Melody, I am sorry for the loss of your dear children. This is the most responded to thread in the Loss of a Child section, I know there are many good people who stay on and check this sometimes multiple times a day.

 

In my view, sometimes it works more like a typical forum...but sometimes it functions more like a chat room when some need more talk time....so just look through...many of us post your reply in with other replies too...so if you are lonely and need someone to hold your hand, there are many WONDERFUL people here who will do so...

 

I would like to post more, running out of  time...looked at the words to the songs posted, I usually do...they had some beautiful written words that are just good to read...

 

Susan, our next court date is the 27th of this month...

 

Good to see posts from Gretchen, Carol, Becky, Betsy, Wanda and Debbie...

 

 

I am so thankful for this place and for all of you!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

sharing...

 

 

Gretchen...how are you doing ? Has the inertia left you....? loved the words to the song...

 

was that the announcement for Forrest ? How is your friend doing ?

 

Becky...all of us on this site know how far you go for others....now....we see through a new pair of glasses...and we have a deeper empathy for those on the grief journey....hope you are resting and let healing begin...

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen...thanks for posting the music. I enjoyed listening to it. I could picture Forest while listening to them.

Susan, I did not know that originated in Ireland. How true! Thank you for your support and kind words. I can't wait to see pics of that garden you are planning for your SUNSHINE! Heck, this is going to be one heck of a party when we all meet and greet on the other side.

Lora, no this definitely is not the norm for us. The crazy ups and downs are something that started a couple of years ago. This year is by far the worst. I must say this is really starting to get to everybody. The snowbirds are leaving by the droves. Once Annie is gone we are considering perhaps doing the same thing.

Wanda...I am sure you are really happy to have your daughter wit you until the next semester. It sounds as if your art classes are fun. Have you being drawing or painting for long?

Laurie, you are so correct in your post. Many like Dee and Carol, Colleen and Sherry... have stayed to give support and to show others that there is light beyond this loss. I would be lost if it had not been for them a couple of years ago. They held me up when I was alone in my grief. That meant the world to me. I am forever grateful to all that have held my hand.

We are off tomorrow to the city for the day. Wish us luck. BTW...thanks Carol. Please do keep him in your prayers.

Kate

[Steve s mom]

Melody, I just read your post about your daughters room ....my son Steve passes away in 2011 his room is pretty much the way it was ,he had just moved out to his own place a month before he died but left much of his things here in his room,when we was moving I said I was going to turn his room into this or that just kidding (I was always hoping he would move back soon anyway)and he said you can't that's my room that will always be my room. So I still can't bring myself to touch it ,it is his room.i did straighten up pack up and give away very few things .but that room is still his and I always feel he is around....a few times early on I swear I heard him say goodnight mom,or love you mommy like he often did when he was there and I got up at night and walked past his room.i know I didn't hear that ,but I can't let go.also a few funny things have happened in his room that I posted about before that make me feel that way

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, hello Newbies-

I have been a busy bee this week and last, will be until February 2nd. February 1st is our Annual carnival at the school where I teach and I run an annual student council painting project that is auctioned off at the carnival each year at a silent auction. The money this year goes to an education center in Ghana, Africa. One of my co-workers daughter is living there at the age of 20 running the operations. She had the idea at age 19 and has raised enough funds to have a building now. Last year we donated 2000 books and had them shipped for free to Ghana. We donated $500.00 to the education center. Not a lot but it sure means a lot to the students at school and to the people in Ghana who feel blessed now to have a place to learn. So this year we hope to have closer to a thousand, but times are tough for all and so whatever we raise will be good.

My husband makes the object that is painted by students. This year it is a mini-beanbag toss game. Kids are making the bean bags. So student council voted today on two winners per grade level. Usually we have one winner per class, but this project is larger and harder to store after paint days. Many years we had bird houses, which of course are my favorite. The designs that won and all that came in, (600) were delightful but I tired now. All of this is done on lunch hour and after school. So next week I will stay after on Tuesday and Thursday for painting, and again on Monday the following week. The next days after that I will be there late for parent teacher conferences.

Wade you know all about these hours, about this kind of tired. It is a good tired though. I will post photos of the games as they are painted. Should be cool.

The Art Museum was a delight, the kids and the docents were wonderful. We were able to get to the installation modern art wing, the impressionism wing, the ancient sculptures from Asia among so many other things, oh and the mini rooms, and the display of the most amazing glass paperweights. The kids were great. Our lunch was from home but the room looks out to Millennium Park, such a lovely view.

 

Gretchen, love the words to that song, and don't mind the electronics of it. I also love that your Son made sure you were sufficiently surprised by his message. He arrived! He will always be near.

 

Jan, good luck on the move. You will take your Girl with you wherever you go. The garden sounds like a very healing project.

Melody, I am so sorry for your loss of your lovely Daughter. Getting close to a birthday is very hard I know. Hang on here, we have you.

Beverly, same to you, hang on and know that while we cannot make it better, we can be here for you to tell your story to, to share your grief, to let it out as we don't scare. We get it.

 

Carol, so good to see your sweet and wonderful post that comes straight from your very big heart. Love to you.

 

Susan, I will post the photo and the story but it might have to wait, however I am touched and honored by your request.

love to all

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

 

More snow in Indiana again.  The streets were treacherous this afternoon and lots of accidents.   A crazy weather system everywhere.  Actually I remember as a child the winters were always very cold with a lot of snow, but over the past 2 decades they have been milder.  Maybe this cold will kill some of the virus and bugs.

 

Melody you have come to a good place.   There are very special people here who not only understand what you are going through, but they also truly care for each one who find themselves on this journey that no one wants to be on.  You can share, vent, cry, be angry, no one will judge you.

 

Laurie, thank you for asking about me.  I am doing ok.  I have decided to try to do a couple of things.  One is to try to eat healthier and lose some weight (A battle I have fought all of my life and the past few years have not helped that.) And I registered for a grief support group called GriefShare that starts next Monday. I guess if I am going to find out who I now am, I need to step outside of my comfort zone.   If I find it is not for me, than that is ok too.     

 

Kate, You and Ross are in my prayers as you go to yet another doctor appointment.  

 

Dee, glad you had a good time on the field trip.  My Sarah was a first grade teacher and loved going on field trips.  She had the cutest stories about things those first graders would say and do.   Her little Maddie  says she wants to be a teacher just like her mama was.  Of course she says she is going to marry the little boy she started liking in preschool too.  (they are both in first grade)  The funniest thing is he likes her too and they are best buddies.  She said to me "Mimi, I know we are going to get married when we grow up, but we have decided to not talk about it to people right now."  She cracks me up.   So who knows maybe she will be a teacher like her Mama, and marry her one true love.:-)   I do hope that Sarah can see HER little first grader.

 

Carol I think of you often and you are in my prayers.  In fact I think of everyone on this site everyday.   It is like you are family.  Many of us do not have good family support, but here we can be real and everyone gets it.   I am thankful

 

I am praying for each of you and for a restful night tonight.

 

Sandy

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mary Ann, thanks for your post on signs from our loved ones...I understand not wanting anything moved or touched...left Jesse's car the same and everything else for now...not ready yet...

 

Dee, does this girl who does the education center in Ghana have a web site? It would be interesting to view it if she does...

 

Gretchen, loved the lyrics to the dancing barefoot song...

 

Sandy, just noticed your post...I have heard good things about Griefshare...

 

Wishing all a peaceful evening and deep refreshing sleep...

 

Found this story posted on the allnurses.com web site...many experiences are posted by those in the field...

 

"...About a year before my father died, I prayed for God to send an angel to comfort me. Two hours later, my four year old son, (unaware of this prayer) woke up at night and stared at the ceiling.

 

Apparently, he saw "beings" floating above us. We moved from room to room and they followed. He was so freaked out, I asked (again silently) for a sign (a feather) that these beings were "safe". Ten minutes later, I felt a scratching beneath my shirt. Sure enough, I found a feather. From then on, we found feathers every where, (it was winter) including one feather on my father's chest the day he died.

 

Our clothes that we chose for the funeral, each had a feather, as did my mother's coat. The feathers stopped the day after his funeral, until my sister woke up and found a 6" feather in her newly washed bedsheets.

 

Other, more profound events occurred that others can concur, and all seemed to call my father back to God..."

 

(author said her father struggled with God....)

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all...just wanted to share something with you...A few months after Mike died I had a gold cross made to hold some of his ashes. I had MIKE engraved on the long part and on the left "arm" 1975 (year of birth) and 2006 on the other "arm." Over the years, (hard to believe it's been SEVEN) the engraving has faded to where it could barely be seen and the jeweler had told me that it could not be re-engraved because of the fastener that was added after the ashes were placed in it. So I had the idea of just attaching a gold disk to the front with just"MIKE" on it. I finally got to pick it up today...it's been in the shop for two days and I've been practically holding my breath while it was there. The jeweler is very understanding of its importance but still.... Anyway, I picked it up today and wanted to share how it turned out..

[wgreenlee]

Melody…

 

My journey is new compared to your’s, but I feel the same way about the closeness of our children.  I had a hard time leaving for the Christmas holiday as I didn’t want to be away from Brooks’ site.  I don’t know what I will do years from now, but I think it would be hard.  I can’t see myself ever not visiting Brooks at least a few times a week.  We were never apart before, so I don’t plan on it being any different now.  I will be thinking of you on Saturday and saying the name of your girl loudly….Aundria

 

Jan…

 

I wish you well in your move and creating the memory garden for Meagan.  What a special place that will be.

 

Carol,

 

Praying for a positive resolution in the mediation meeting.  One of Brooks’ good friends is going through brain cancer right now.  She has had 3-4 surgeries…it is very aggressive.  I have so many pictures of her and Brooks.  I pray so much for her…please pray for her too.  Her name is Tiffani.  Her family was so good to us after Brooks’ death.  I am so tired of death…go away…  She is having some trouble now with infection from the surgery.  She is at Stanford and her mom says they are doing everything possible, but they are trying to get an experimental treatment ok’d.  She is so open about everything…and in good spirits it seems.  I am very fearful of what will happen if it doesn’t work out ok.

 

Kate…

 

Geez, I hope the weather stabilizes for you.  It is crazy, huh.  Wishing you some sunshine this weekend so you can take your walks and enjoy the outdoors.  Thanks again for those Hall of Fame pictures.  Some day…

 

Susan…

 

What you wrote today touched me…how you wrote it…what you said…  It is a foreign language and only those on this path understand.  I feel like I have to bale water daily out of my “grief boat.”  I just don’t know how to stop the leak.  I’m sure I will eventually find something to stem the tide, because I have faith in the words spoken here.  So much love on this site will make the difference.

 

Gretchen…

 

Yes, I believe Forest would.  And so true are the lyrics.  Brooks loved all music, and dancing too.  I have a couple videos his friends posted of him doing the “Dougie.”  I liked it…  Reminds me of some group in the 80’s.  Can’t remember though.  Kinda like the old MTV videos.  Music right now brings mixed emotions for me since that was Brooks’ life, but when I hear others talk about the music their child listened to I have to look it up and give it a try…makes me smile to think of the eclectic tastes our children had.  Thinking of you as Forest’s birthdate approaches.

 

MaryAnn,

 

I know the feeling…sometimes I go into Brooks’ room and sometimes I don’t.  I’ve done a few things in there, but more just to make it seem like he’s not gone.  Like he will come home and ask to stay the night.  Makes me feel better that way.  Eventually I know it will change, but for now I am content thinking of it as his room. 

 

Dee…

 

Good luck with the carnival preparations.  Looking forward to seeing the pictures.  Nothing like a  school carnival…and a good beanbag toss.  Funny…my brother plays in a beanbag toss league at the local pub.

 

Sandy…

 

Good to hear from you.  I remember that Sarah was a teacher.  Special person to teach elementary school.  Good luck on your new endeavors…getting out of our comfort zone is always tough.

 

Lora,

 

Thanks for the encouragement.  I sometimes feel like I need to get the real headstone done…like his site is incomplete…like not giving him what he needs.  Sounds silly…he’s not there, but when I think of him in his casket, just below the surface, I want to make everything so special.  I wish I could see him now…just one more time.  Just one more…

 

Becky, Shannon, and others…hoping peace for you this evening.

[wgreenlee]

Carol...

 

It is beautiful!!!  I know how dear to you it must be...and Mike is close to your heart always.  Thank you so much for sharing.  

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, just beautiful. I know it must be a treasured keepsake for you.

Trudi...hoping your day is filled with special memories and you are surrounded by his loving presence.

[mikesmomrs]

MICHEAL....MICHEAL...MICHEAL.....Please surround your sweet mum and family with your spirit and help them find comfort in the memories that sustain them through the days of missing you so much.    TRUDI:  thinking of you as you spend the day thinking of your beautiful son.  (I know that in Australia, the 17th is already the 18th, but know that I have held you close in thought all day.)   

 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

So many are hurting in some way...

hang on with both hands...

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....I simply love it...and you can wear it close to your heart....

 

Sandy....applause for you...yes...it is hard to go out of your 'comfort zone'....but I do believe it is just the most 'normal' thing to do when we 'cocoon' ourselves after the life changing experience of losing our child....for we have to learn to breathe the air without that child in it...to walk without them by our side...we have to have those hours alone to cry and cry and cry....until we spend ourselves . For me, I think it has been 'one' of the most important phases of my healing. I have learned so much in my self imposed exile. I do not want anyone to think I 'really dropped out' of the world....no....for I do have my family, friends, business to attend to....but I did make a break from social events...community events....that could and will go on without me. I did not go to funerals...parties...birthday get togethers of friends...etc....stuff like that....and it presented me a clean page to write on.

   With that said....there does come a time when one will wake up and find we need to make some steps out of that circle....and find what we need...and that will be unique for each parent. Please let us hear how the learning curve is going for you....

   "Instead of having a breakdown...

     Have a breakthrough".....

 

Wade....later on I will post a story of my Grampa and one of his friends that lost his son....and you go to Brooks site as many times as you need....you have the only medicine that can heal you...your grief is yours....

[ericasmom]

Hooray, I can log on today...

I am so tired right now, the kids are in PE thank heavens as they have not been out today due to wind chills.

Carol, I love what you did to your necklace it is lovely.

 

Yes, Laurie, there is a website for Rebecca's work in Ghana, it is 

www.together-we-are.com

 

I think that you will enjoy seeing what she is doing and her enthusiasm. She has been going back to this same town, to these same families for 4 years, now she is living there.

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEAVENLY BOY MICHAEL

You are loved and honored by love each day, every single day. Your family needs to feel your sweetness today, reminding them of  your forever love.

 

 

Trudi, your smile is a deep joy in my heart, I feel so glad to know that we gathered when we did, that we could see each others faces and share in our tears and our laughter. I hope you are well, that your heart is full today of the wonder that is Michael.

[Mermaid Tears]

Trudi....it is always etched in our souls...the day that angel fell off a cloud and was placed in our hearts and arms....we the 'baby' parents...never knowing that in the course of time...our 'child' would be teaching us....sending you comfort and peace...be still and I am sure you will feel your SONshine boy near you...

 

 

Dee....you are a Marathon teacher now....but how the children give us super human energy and a balm for our hearts....if I could...I would volunteer to be your helper...

[tobyfreefoot]

my best friend, lynette i met in jr. hi and helped me pack up forest's house sent me this today:

 

Dear Gretchen,

I just had the most beautiful , well, I don't want to say "vision" because it was more like an encounter with Forest. I had just seen you post on FB about his birth announcement, so naturally I was thinking of him, when I saw him come into my office right now at work and sit down in the chair and have a conversation with me. It was a little like meditating because it wasn't a real physical visit, but totally real just the same. He was wearing his long coat, a black T-shirt with some sort of graphics on it, army boots and some pants I didn't pay attention to, but they weren't jeans, inside his boots. HIs hair was long and parted in the middle and he didn't say, "I'm fine" or anything like that because he didn't have to. I could tell he was totally fine and it was like all very normal him dropping by, but I starting tingling. And I just enjoyed his presence for, I really can't say, but I didn't want it to go away. It was so very pleasant and loving. And then he very gradually left and I opened my eyes. And outloud I said, "I love you, Forest." And my printer beeped! I had not been on my printer or touched a printer key or anything. It just gave a little "whirring" sound like R2. And that was that. But I feel uplifted , like I would if he'd just stopped by my house to say hi. I know you miss him terribly and always will. But he still IS. Yay quantum physics! I love you.

[tobyfreefoot]

my best friend, lynette i met in jr. hi and helped me pack up forest's house sent me this today:

 

Dear Gretchen,

I just had the most beautiful , well, I don't want to say "vision" because it was more like an encounter with Forest. I had just seen you post on FB about his birth announcement, so naturally I was thinking of him, when I saw him come into my office right now at work and sit down in the chair and have a conversation with me. It was a little like meditating because it wasn't a real physical visit, but totally real just the same. He was wearing his long coat, a black T-shirt with some sort of graphics on it, army boots and some pants I didn't pay attention to, but they weren't jeans, inside his boots. HIs hair was long and parted in the middle and he didn't say, "I'm fine" or anything like that because he didn't have to. I could tell he was totally fine and it was like all very normal him dropping by, but I starting tingling. And I just enjoyed his presence for, I really can't say, but I didn't want it to go away. It was so very pleasant and loving. And then he very gradually left and I opened my eyes. And outloud I said, "I love you, Forest." And my printer beeped! I had not been on my printer or touched a printer key or anything. It just gave a little "whirring" sound like R2. And that was that. But I feel uplifted , like I would if he'd just stopped by my house to say hi. I know you miss him terribly and always will. But he still IS. Yay quantum physics! I love you.