Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I can only say how sorry I am that you have had two child death's...the fragility of life...it was why I was so careful with Jesse, as I can understand how it would have been with your David.... I wasn't leaving any stone unturned to try and protect him...and then it happens again...

And it turns out that the woman who tried to help Jesse that day was the wife of the doctor he was going to see for the appointment....I do not believe in coincidence....I will be talking with her on Friday morning...

I also like the memorial brick you had placed for your son...it is something I am considering too...

Laurie,

I think I said before that the house that Trista's accident occurred in front of, the yard the car ended up in, was a house we used to live in. The woman who stayed with Trista is also the woman who held me that night and it is she and her sister that now live in that house. She is also the woman who was interviewed on the news asking for county officials to make changes at that intersection. I am going to speak more with her too. When she told me that she had been with Tris the emotions were too high for me to say what I needed to say and ask what I needed to ask but I don't believe in coincidences either so I am going to meet with her again.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

Thank you for your comforting words. I'm glad the story of my Grandma and Trista made you smile. When the two of them were together they always made me smile too. They could be very silly together. I really like the idea of the memorial brick for David at the park.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

I cant get over this pain, this physical pain in my chest, and the thought of never seeing him again scares me. forever is such a long time. I miss him so much!

I am trying to take things one minute one second at a time, but it so very hard, he was my baby boy, and we were so close, we did so much together, and he worked so hard

to overcome his challenges, things were finally going his way.

I just hurt so bad, my daughter is hurting so much to, we were such a close family.

I did see my doctor today and he said if i didn't start eating, he would put me in the hospital, its so hard, my stomach turns and i feel like throwing up, i am so lost.

I have never felt so helpless and sad in my life...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

lovU2themoon,

This pain is so very fresh and raw for you. I am only 3 months on this journey. Those first days and weeks are so fresh in my mind but at the same time I realize I was functioning in a fog of shock for many weeks. That fog is just starting to clear for me after 3 months and just a little at a time, very very slowly. The physical pain, I know it so well as do the others here. I can tell you that you will slowly learn how to breathe again. I'm still learning. There are others here who have been here longer that will reach out and hold your hand. I know it's hard to even eat. I still struggle with that daily but know I need to keep my strength for my family and myself. One woman, a neighbor, brought me fresh fruit daily in the very beginning... cut in small pieces so I could just eat a few bites as I could. It was the only thing I could eat and even then just a piece at a time but it did sustain me when I was unable to eat anything else. I also, after a little while, tried to add yogurt for protein. It was something else that I could tolerate and eat in very small portions. I truly know how you are feeling right now. Step by step, breath by breath. Keep coming here and sharing or just reading. In those first weeks I read a lot and still do, both here on this site, going back through the posts, and other places online, every book on grief that I can get my hands on. Reading Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has helped me a lot. I am thinking of you tonight and sending prayers for comfort for you and your daughter.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been reading this past couple of days. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of everyone and holding you all close. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been reading this past couple of days. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of everyone and holding you all close. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have not been on that road...but I can understand how talking and being with the ones that held your child in that horrific moment...when their sweet souls and spirits went to their homes in Heaven...can bring a layer of comfort to loved ones....I would go to the ends of the earth to seek them out.

I am taking my girls back to Port Aransas this week-end....Taylor can't go...she has a soccer game in Houston...but it will be me, Randa and Pebbie.....Tay and Pebbie sobbed and sobbed during and after the ceremony on the boat....

Dee...I bought the book for Pebbie.. "The Next Place" and have glued photos of him with the family on each page...and will give it to her when we are on the beach....and we will have our own talk...

My girls need the healing of the salty waves...where the sky meets the water....and the Sun can spread it's sunshine all around...I do have my grief...but now I need to help them with theirs...it has been an emotional year....and with Daniel's surgery....Austin leaving....and we had so many people around at the 'blessing and scattering' of his ashes while we were at Port 'A'.....

My parent's would take Randa to their cabin in Matagorda when she was little...so...she is an original beach baby....am so glad she has those memories....it is hard for me to go back to Matagorda beach...and see the cabin...(that my Dad and his friends built...of course it has been remodeled)....and not be able to just go up the steps and step back to that place.

That was then....this is now....

I don't remember if I posted photos from the boat...?? Once again...the foggy mind....here is a photo of me and Wyatt John on the boat....

[lovU2themoon]

my first waking thought is my Laney is dead.

I hate that, i have no other thoughts but the sorrow of missing him.

My daughter and I are sleeping on the living room floor, we need to be close.

here is a poem my mom posted on fb we are all so heartbroken,

"For Bereaved Grandparents"

I am powerless, I am helpless,

I sit with her and I cry with her

She cries for her son and I cry for my daughter

I can't help her

I can't reach inside and take her broken heart

I must watch her suffer day after day

I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Lane

and wants him back but I can't bring him back to her

Can I tell her it will be O.K. in two months or two years

when I know she will carry this pain in her heart forever

I see this women, my child who was once carefree, funloving

and bubbling with life, now slumped over with her eyes filled with agony

where is my power now, how do I make it better

as tight as my arms wrap around her, I can't reach that aloneness

Where are the answers? I should have them, I'm the mother

I know someday she will find happiness again

that her life will have meaning again, but what about now

this second? this minute? this hour? this day?

I can give her my love, my prayers, my care, my concern

I could give her my life

but even that won't help.....

[Guest]

.

[Guest]

double post

[lovU2themoon]

I believe Lane was loved as much as you all loved your kids. I am trying to take comfort that you and i have gone or are going thru the same thing, the same pain.

but it feels sometimes i cant go on with out him here. The pain is sooo deep, and sad.

For my daughter too, i cant take her pain away, we cry together we grief together, but we were such a team of 3 and we had gone thru and done so much together.

I struggle with the accident, i have gone over it and think i am done with the "what if's" and then they start all over again,

"what if i had taken him with me, what if the black truck had not cut infront of him, he would have make it, what if he just stayed home.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

I relate a lot to the way the relationships have changed with Cara's friends. I'm following just behind you on this journey and with our Girls ages and personalities, as far as being caretakers for their friends, I see similarities. They are not grieving in the same way I am at all. They are moving forward in their lives as they should be. I am Trista's Mother and my grief is so very different. Second, as you said you are not Cara, I am not Trista. As much as I care for them and want to see them succeed, and want to keep a relationship with them in a healthy way, I am not my daughter. I can't do for them what she did. I am struggling just to take care of myself and my boys right now. So, I have kept up with them. I don't reach out much to them but if they reach out to me, I respond with love. Thank you for sharing because it helps me to be prepared as these things have come up.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

LuvU2themoon,

Those questions, the what if's, they still keep me awake many nights. I've slowly, and just very recently began to shift my thinking away from the "what if's" to the "what now." It's a slow process and that's not to say I'm not still struggling with those thoughts. They just come a little less with the realization that I can't go back. I just can't. I want to. We all do. I know if I could I would trade Trista places in moment. If someone had to go, why not me? I understand all those questions. What Lora said is right, Lane is your biggest supporter. What would he want for you? For his sister? I had to think in those terms. Trista loves her brothers so. She loves me and she was always fiercely protective of her family. What would she want me to do? Those are the thoughts that give me the courage to take just one more step.

You mentioned sleeping on the living room floor with your daughter to be close. Many have talked about needing different sleeping arrangements for time, and that time is up to you. There are no rules. You just do what you need, how you need, when you need. I slept on the couch. It was a place where Tris and I would lay to together and cuddle and I just felt closer to her there. I am back in my bed but my little one now sleeps with me. He's my security blanket and I'm his. It's minute to minute right now and that's all you need to focus on. Take care of yourself.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

2 the moon......I think you can re-read my posts....I posted something similar a long time ago..on the guilt of the 'woulda...shoulda...coulda' thoughts that beat us up...and bring us to our knees...there is not one parent on this site that has and still have...those thoughts that run across our minds like a movie reel....over and over and over and over....but....you have enough love for your son to take yourself to the moon and back in a rocking chair....there is not one hair on his head you would have harmed....simply....there just isn't anything 'within our power' that would have stood in the way of us saving them. I wish I had answers...I wish I could answer my own questions...I wish I could solve all the universal questions that come with grief....but ...we are only human...with human emotions...tears...and lots of tears. You may need to sit and take some really deep breaths....eat some yogurt...wrap you and your daughter in a big blanket...and I love what you wrote about...'solving all the worlds problems over spaghetti...'.....that is the way of loving families....I am going to try to post something for you to read if I can...I read it at my Mom's funeral and at John David's memorial....it gives me a comfort.

[Mermaid Tears]

Death is nothing at all ver2.doc

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Death is nothing at all ver2.doc

Susan,

I love this. I chose this to be read at the gathering at Trista's site on her Birthday. I keep a copy on my fridge, in my purse, and on my computer.

[Mermaid Tears]

My dad died 8 months after my Mom passed....I would bring it out and re-read it over and over...and it brought a balm to my heart....John David liked it so much....and I know that is what he would want to say to me...and for me to carry forth.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[ericasmom]

Susan, love you, wonderful thoughts from you to everyone.

Sherry what a load of potatoes you have, I love potatoes. Enjoy your crops.

Lora, I am good, just busier than ever right now, though I do post from school now and again on days when I have a planning time. I am so glad to be able to see you all during my school day.

So Cara lived for six hours after her accident, and Eri for six days...our girls had some similarities, I am glad that you let her friends see Cara, let them make amends in their spirits somehow so that they could feel their Girl leaving, they could gather her spirit in theirs and go forth. I do think that you and Shannon pulling away some is important, that you both realize that you cannot replace your Daughters in their lives is a hard decision, the want to still see them and be around that age, that energy, but the bitter sense of the person who is missing, and the hope on the kid's part that somehow you can fill in for her. It is part of their grief to have that need, but you helped them by being less available until you feel like it might feel good to see them and spend some time. Eri was a year older than Cara, and so all of the best friends were scheduled to go back to their college lives and apprenticeships at the end of the summer, many went out of state, so I did not have to scoot them out, but when they came home on breaks, they visited and it did feel mighty good to me to hug the girls that I watched grow-up. I do so love to spend time with them, to hear about their latest travels, love-lives, career changes, babies born and marriages.

So Matt and Joel, more of them on the night that Erica's car was struck by the train. I guess what Matt and Joel represented to me were the forces of good. They stayed at that hospital with Jon and his friends and those that were gathering until we showed up three hours after the call, (drizzly night and from chicago to kalamazoo) to tell us about the light. They cried, they said that they would never take anything for granted ever again, that Erica showed them that. Both said, " I don't even go to church, I didn't even know what I believe, but now I know that there is a GOD, her car was filled with light and it was beautiful. They were hit by Eri's car after her car was struck by the train, her car bounced off of them and then proceeded to spin and spin until it finally stopped about 200 yards away. They ran to her, she changed their lives.

Both of the boys were on the football team at Western Michigan University, right there where she was hit. Their coach sent me the team flag with everyone's names signed on the flag in their own handwriting, and Matt wrote Eri's name, and the coach sent a letter saying, " Erica changed the lives of my two team captains, Matt and Joel, and because of this, they have come back to lead their team with new energy and a new outlook on life. They have explained to the team that anything can happen to anyone so that you must live a good life and spread your goodness to others. They told the team that they learned that from Erica, from all the kids and family in the Emergency room everyday telling stories of this Girl. They came everyday, they stood with her friends and cried with them, and they drove to the wake and stayed with Eri's friends here in Illinois to attend the funeral the next day. I love them.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you so much for sharing Eri's story....what a sacred event...and she continues to touch so many lives, to inspire, give hope, and show God's love in our darkest most vulnerable hour...

***************************************************************

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I guess the way you let me and us know all of the all...is a part of the journey...thank you for sharing....I guess we just can't let it all in....all or known at one time....just...a little bit at a time...to keep us sane...keep us in step....keep us breathing....keep us marking one little step at a time...thank you....my Amazing...Sweet...Guide....you are one Brave Mama...but more....you do light the way on this dark...dark...path....and you do know....you would be so needed by so many...in the days ahead....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I agree with Laurie and Dee. You have such a soothing way with words. There are times when I have been in so much pain that I have read some of your posts again because they truly do help my heart.

Dee,

Thank you for sharing this part of Eri's story...So beautiful. The light that filled Eri's car, the Boys who stayed with her being so touched by Eri's light. It is all part of her story, one that continues to give peace and hope and change lives.

Thank you for sharing what you do. As Susan said, you do help light the way.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing that video.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When I hear the stories, all involving a light, I remember my Grandpa's passing. He had pancreatic cancer. He'd undergone many treatments. Finally in the hospital, as the doctor was talking to him about yet another treatment, He stopped the doctor and said, no I'm ready to go home. The doctor told him that he couldn't guarantee that he would make it. My grandpa said, "I don't care. Just put me in the ambulance and point me towards home. Whether I make it or not, either way I'm going home". So, he went home. He was there for a few days before he died. The whole family was able to be with him. When we knew the time was close we left him and my Grandma alone. She laid in the bed with him and they talked. Prior to that last day he was not able to communicate much but on that last day he was much more alert and talkative. My Grandma said he suddenly just let out this sound like pure amazement and said to her, "Do you see the light?" She said, "No. What light". He said, "It's all around. It's so beautiful. I really wish you could see it." Then he passed. A few days after his passing I had a dream of him. He was in a little pick up truck like one he used to own. I saw him when I pulled into the parking lot of his favorite grocery store. He stood outside of truck and I ran up and hugged him and said, "Grandpa, what are you doing here?" He said I just stopped to tell you I'm going home." He said he loved me and that was it.

Last night I had a dream of Trista. It's the first time I've been able to remember anything other that a sense of her. It was so vivid. The strange part is that I can't remember anything that was said except that she loves me and is always with me. The visual part of the dream though I remember in detail. Her hair, her face. The touch of her delicate hand. The feel of her hand in mine. The feel of holding her tight. When I held her it felt so real and anytime I closed my eyes today I could see her and feel myself hugging her again. Oh how I miss my sweet Girl.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan, Shannon, and Laurie, I am glad that the light that Joel and Matt saw is a light to you as well, each time we get a story that allows our faith more room in us, we feel better. I know I do from the stories shared here. It affirms for us, that our Children are here with us and they are doing good things in this world still. It affirms that we will always be their Mommas and Dads, they will always be our Child.

Shannon, so glad that you got to see and touch Trista last night. I know that amazing joy when you can capture that feeling from a dream, then you know it was a visit.

[lovU2themoon]

...you have enough love for your son to take yourself to the moon and back in a rocking chair....there is not one hair on his head you would have harmed....simply....there just isn't anything 'within our power' that would have stood in the way of us saving them.

you are right, i would have stood infront of that truck had i known, and yes i have enough love deep love for that boy of mine. I just cant stand the pain of losing him and never seeing him again.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Felt the need to repost this...this picture is what I keep in mind...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

double post

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It's a beautiful picture and comforting thought, Laurie.

I am so tired lately. My insomnia is back with a vengeance. Now that school has started again I have to be up at 7 a.m. no matter what time I fell asleep. Not that Aiden let me sleep in much even in the summer. I'm averaging 4 hours a night which isn't terrible but catches up with me some days. Thank goodness for coffee.

I had a meltdown. My husband had Trista's phone turned off without talking to me. We discussed it about a month after the accident and I told him then I was not ready and didn't know when I would be. Trista, like any teenager was attached to her phone at all times. It's full of pictures and videos, I know I won't loose those if the phone is turned off but I will loose the voicemails and the ability to text her. I don't know if that sounds unhealthy but I do text her phone sometimes. So do many of her friends. I know she doesn't get my message that way any better than if I said it out load but it's a ritual thing for me, I guess. Tris and I would text each other constantly whether she was out with friends or in her room. Sometimes it was just random nonsense until one of us would get annoyed with the other.

Anyway, the phone doesn't cost us any thing to keep it on. Our phones are on our business plan so it's the same cost up to 15 phones. We only need 10 for business so we are able to have our family phones on the plan. For some reason, when a new employee was hired, instead of having a new number assigned to him, my husband decided to just give him Trista's number. I didn't realize it until I went to call her to hear her voice on her voicemail. Any texts her friends or I sent her during that time would have went to him as no one told me. He did fix it. Her phone is on. I explained to him that even when I'm ready I will not want to give Trista's number to someone we know. Eventually, someone else will have her number. I know that but don't want it to be someone who works for us. I just can't understand how he thought that was okay to do without talking to me.

Sometimes I feel like things are moving forward faster than I can handle. So many things I have no control over. These little things that I can control, that I can hold on to as long as I need and do in my own time are important to me.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thanks for thinking of us. We both appreciate it! And btw...there are visiting hours in heaven. Any time we want to talk... they are there to listen. I do like that picture. Thanks for posting. Shannon, I too did the same thing the year after Jeff died. I would call his number just to hear his voice. It is a very normal thing to do. It gave me a feeling of comfort to know it was still there. I think of everyone often that is walking this road to healing. I know it is so very difficult. I also know that slowly in time we will all find our way again. We just need to let our hearts lead us. Have a good evening everyone. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[daveydow1]

Kate-----I think that you are wise to keep Jeff's phone in effect,

so that you can hear his dear voice anytime. We never got Davey's

cell phone back after the wreck, as anything in his car was completely

destroyed. The semi truck hit his stopped car at the freeway exit

which was busy and backed-up. It was an override crash......the truck

ran over Davey's car and flattened it. 'Jaws of Life' machine had to be

used to get David out. Davey couldn't be saved in the trauma center,

and all of his belongings were destroyed. We never saw the car...

only newspaper photos. We could not bear to go to the impound lot

to look at it.

Laurie----Sorry to hear of your sister's ex-husband being killed recently.

Prayers for her, and his family. It's good that you kept Jesse's phone

on. How I wish that I could have done that too. When I didn't get the

phone back....I must have gotten his cellphone bill, and could have

then kept it on, I guess...not sure.....I didn't have the number, I don't

think. I must have canceled the phone, but to this day don't even

remember doing it. How crazy and messed-up we were....not thinking

right.....devestated. He had two answering machines with his voice on

one of them. They were the kind that is a separate unit that you attach

to the phone. I had listened to the message, and wanted to keep it

forever. We've moved a couple of times, and in the past year, I've been

searching for that other answer machine so I can again hear his dear voice.

But...I am not able to find it. When I try the one that I still have, there seems

to be nothing on it. I wonder if I gave the wrong one away to charity??? This

haunts me so. I guess I will just have to hope & pray that I have some dreams

of him. I feel so dumb and inept.....not keeping track of the answering machine

with his voice, and guarding it. Yes.....I will definitely have some baked

potatoes with all the 'extras'. Yum.

Shannon----I'm soooo glad that your husband was able to fix it so that you

still have Trista's phone on. Yes---teens (especially girls) seem to be attached

to their cellphones to keep in touch with their friends. I don't think that it is

at all unhealthy for you to keep her phone. As I posted to Laurie, I so wish that

I had David's phone on.....at least for awhile, anyhow. I also understand your

need to distance yourself a bit from Trista's friends. It is, indeed, painful to

see your child's friends moving on with their lives...when your own child is

gone. Your story of your dear Grandpa's crossing over into his heavenly home

put a lump in my throat. Such a beautiful story. Glad that you had a dream of

Trista last night. I have not had a dream of Davey or Lisa in some time, but

whenever I do have a dream of eith of them, it is more 'feeling' than words. David has

not said anything to me in any of the dreams I have had of him. In the ten years

since he has passed, I have had about 7 or 8 dreams. In them, he is always

fine.....so then I have the feeling of peace in my dream that he is ok. David's friends

have all drifted away now. I never hear anything from them anymore, but I am

ok with it. They've moved on with their lives, as they should. It is painful,

in ways to see them moved on, but that is the way it is. Take care.

Dee-----Glad that it has cooled off some. Is the classroom more comfortable now?

We dug more potatoes today. We're pretty much finished with that job. Still

have tomatoes left. We had BLT's for supper today.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[lovU2themoon]

Not sure how the media works, but this is a family picture we had done in the spring.
I miss my boy so much, the pain is sooo bad. I am staying at my mom's tonight.
I understand his dying does not change how i feel about him, or everything we shared but i just want to give him a huge
hug tell him i love him to the moon and back.

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, those BLT's sound great. Particularly with your own home grown tomatoes! There is nothing nicer then going out into your own vegie garden and picking fresh garden vegetables. Just love it. Notice how the colour of the tomatoes is a different shade from store bought and they have a slightly acidic taste. Actually, we had Jeff's phone disconnected after a year. I needed to move forward and focus on grasping the fact that he was in another place. it was hard...but necessary at that time for me. Lora, we had a few weeks of intense heat. I just soaked it up. The nights were beautifully cool and great for sleeping. This week calls for cloud and rain. I have been spoiled with so little rain. I dread the thought of cloudy skies. I find them so depressing. Luvu2themoon...that is a great picture of the family. I found that after a time it gave me a huge source of comfort in looking at my albums and remembering those treasured times spent together. Laurie, I am sorry to hear of your sisters ex-husband and his recent death. Today I am heading into the city to do a few things. Looking forward to the break. This has been a difficult time with the chemo side effects. He is quite weak and feeling generally lousy this past while. Oh, how I wish I could make this all go away. Prayers are very much appreciated. Thanks. have a good day everyone and holding you all close. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Wow, yesterday was so busy at school and then home to have Jon, Shannon, and baby Love over for dinner. So yesterday my sis called to tell me that her grandgirl was cutting again, my great niece who has had issues with this in the recent past...prayers, she is getting help and is enrolled in a day program where she will get schooling and psych- help.

Then home and cooking and kids come by and tell us that my Son's close friend's daughter, (who we love so much) has just been diagnosed with Wegener's disease---very horrid disease, she is 13 years old. There is so much that can be done now for this disease but because it is an autoimmune issue, it is not predictable at all. I had never heard of it before. PRAYERS PLEASE for Cat. She is a wonderful kid with wonderful parents and my heart is aching. My Son is her Godpop.

I cannot address everyone other than to say, have a great day, or as good a day as you can.

[daveydow1]

Oh Dee----You've had a lot to take in recently, I'm sorry. I can understand your

reluctance for Jon & Shannon & baby Erica to move to Fla., while

at the same time, wanting them to go after their dream. Sending prayers

for the dear girl Cat. Praying that the treatment will be successful.

LovU2 themoon----

Thanks for the great family pic.

Our little kitty, Misty, found a snake in the sunroom, and we had to

chase it out. I used a broom, and shooed it outside, and urged it on its way.

Not sure how it got in there.

Laurie----

Yes,...I hope that the other answering machine will somehow

turn up. I can understand your hatred of motorcycles. It's only natural

that you would hate them. I am afraid of big semi trucks......especially

when they are crowding close behind us on the highway. I always

think-----"that driver could be drowsy and fall asleep" ... like the one that

killed my son, Davey, ten years ago. It's something that will haunt me

for the rest of my life, I believe. The potatoes will serve a lot of meals.

We love potatoes! Peace to you.

PRAYERS FOR A PEACEFUL EVENING, AND GOOD REST FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, sounds like Misty is good at sniffing things out. Glad the snake was shooed away. I hope you enjoy the tomatoes and potatoes. YUM! I sure do understand the fear of semi-trucks Sherry, that makes sense after what trauma you experienced and live with.

Thanks for your thoughts on Cat. It is a strange disease and most people used to die with it because there was not much written on it and diagnosing now has a protocol that was not in place before so that is the good news. She has some kidney damage but if the treatments work, it will stop there. Some of her treatment is some chemo to supress her immune system in order to let the other meds do their work. Prayers for the family and for the doctors to fully have a hold on this. And continued prayers for Cat.

My great niece --- she really has us worried but we can only hope and pray that she sees herself through this with the help available.

Moving? Well if the kids move I will have to roll with it, loving them and supporting them all the way through. And I will. I took a wonderful 2.5 mile walk with Shannon and Erica today, while it was still nice out and breezy. We shared such a good talk, I feel lucky in so many ways.

I just came back from watering the school garden. Some lovely teardrop shaped tiny sweet tomatoes. They are so good. Some oddly shaped yellow squash, regular tomatoes, some peppers, a few cucumbers so we are still in growing mode. It is hot and muggy here today, we desperately need rain, but it may just pass us again. Tomorrow, nice a cool and then, next week in time for school---90's. YIKES HERE WE GO AGAIN!

To the Moon and Back, thanks for sharing your photo, it is a lovely photo of you and your Children. You hang on to us and know that our Children gather us together, (least that is what I think) they help guide us to this place where we can help each other as they know we need to do. They are with us in all the ways that they can be.

Kate, hope and prayers to you and your sweet Man, may the chemo affects dissipate and make way for smooth sailing.

Laurie, nice picture you posted, thanks. I love Elizabeth K. Ross. Love her. wrote a poem which I know I posted here about her. I am sorry about yoru sister's ex, how sad and difficult to be in that same area of your Sister's death.

Did you find another recording Shannon, of Trista's voice message? I don't blame you a bit for a meltdown, and yes, the little bit that we do control should not be stolen from our already traumatized spirits.

Lora, I am glad that your Girl, Cara, had someone with her until the ambulance came, those details in our kids endings are very important to us. Thinking of you.

Gretchen, was that Marshall in the photo you posted? Wow he looks like Forest, so handsome. How are you doing?

To all I have not seen in a while, I am sending thoughts of you and hope each day.

[Jeff's Mom]

I just returned from the city a few minutes ago. Hubby is sleeping and I thought I would check posts. Yes, the break away was just what I needed. I decided to go to my old hairdresser in the city and had my hair coloured and cut. They pampered me silly. It felt so good to just sit there and tune out the worries of the world. Dee, oh boy...can I ever relate to your Jon and his decision. Before we decided to make the move up here we lived very close to our older son in the city. Like you they were only a few streets away. We saw them frequently. Then one day they dropped the bomb that they wanted to move to Ireland for a business opportunity. My heart sank. I was so torn as I wanted the best for them but I did not want them to leave. At first it was supposedly to be for only two years. Then after almost three they returned to sell their home and furnishings and returned to Dublin permanently. My heart stopped then and there. Not long after they were back in Ireland the economy really bottomed out. They lost their positions and returned to Canada. But not home. They are now living in Calgary and I see them once a year. Today young people have so many opportunities to relocate with their jobs that did not exist when we were their age. While we wish them the best we also at heart want them to remain close. I am sending HUGS your way today as know how hard it will be for you to see your little doll move away. What a great place to visit! Laurie...thanks for the hint about mouth sores. So far he has not had a problem with that. But definitely is feeling it in other ways which I will not mention on the site. Thanks for thinking of him. Love to all, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

double post

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts on the phone situation. I think sometimes I allow myself to be pushed along whether I'm ready or not and I am refusing to that do that. In many ways I've had to push myself along for the boys but I will do everything else in my own way and time.

Dee, No, since Trista's phone was turned off and back on her voicemail message was lost. It tore me up. Another piece of her gone before I'm ready to let go.

Something else happened though that helped. I finally was able to figure out how to open Trista's ipad. She was forever changing her password to keep her brother (and maybe me) out. It is full of photos and videos with her face, her voice, her laugh. So, the voicemail recording was lost but so much was gained.

Also, Dee, what you said to 2themoon was perfect and I agree as well.

"You hang on to us and know that our Children gather us together, (least that is what I think) they help guide us to this place where we can help each other as they know we need to do. They are with us in all the ways that they can be."

This is one of those lines that I will want to come back to again.I can imagine the struggle between wanting your children to live their lives and go their own direction and wanting to keep them close at the very same time. It's not something I've experienced yet on that scale but I can only imagine. Thinking of you. I'm glad you and Shannon had that walk together and time to talk.

Also saying prayers for Cat and for your great-niece. I have had experience with cutting. My sis went through that as a teenager and Trista's friend as well. It's so hard but lots of love, understanding, and the right professional help can make a big difference. I'm keeping both girls in my prayers.

Kate,

The trip to your hairdresser sounds so nice and you deserve to be "pampered silly".

LuvU2themoon,

I love the family picture. So much love there and that smile!!

Lora,

Thank you for sharing more of Cara's story. I'm so glad Cara had someone with her too and so glad we have a place to share these painful things. They are so hard but I believe it's so important to have a safe place to share.

Sherry and Laurie,

I understand your feelings on trucks and motorcycles. I will never be able to look at a big truck again and not think about the damage it could do and say a silent prayer that it doesn't.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I think that that is a nice idea, maybe bounce that off of our moderator, Konnie. She would best be able to address this. It is a good thought, and it may be most helpful to those in need to read and reread some uplifting words, or sad words that mirror what they are going through as well.

I do believe our Kids brought us together, the Lovely Ones know, they just do, what we need to nurse and nurture our deep cuts and wounds. We need each other and to be able to describe the tragic, the sadness, the good stuff that finds its way through the cracks, the joys. All of it.

Shannon, I am so glad that you found a way into Trista's ipad to locate all the treasure that you did. One door closes...another opens, not that it is okay that husband shut down the phone, but that Angel is working hard to make sure you have contact with her. Love that.

Kate, a lovely day to the city and I so agree, you deserve some pampering.