Loss of an Adult Child

[tobyfreefoot]

i haven't had a chance to read, just sort of scan. will have more time soon i hope. looks like some new people with such sadness, i am so very sorry. we understand your overwhelming grief and will listen.

becky i saw your post and i am so so so sorry. i don't understand. how you can keep your anger in check is beyond me. i have so much rage at this woman and the authorities i can barely stand it.

kate also saw your last post and a glad your husband is alright. what an awful experience for both of you.

on the less sad side of my world i want to share, to encourage those of you brand new to this life----

i spent the weekend at the gentleman of the road tour stopover in guthrie

camping

oklahoma red dirt 35,000 in

attendance

and a pic of my middle son, logan with my daughter's baby madelyn at the sam noble museum

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Becky, I am so very sorry that you are having to experience this heartache from such an obviously shallow and cruel woman. Please know that everyone that knows you is also very aware of the extreme efforts you have gone to in preventing a further death on this road. We admire your strength and determination and hold you up when you are feeling lost. Jared also knew how much you loved and cared for him. Please...do not give this woman the advantage of getting to you as hard as it is. Hold your head up and know that without a doubt that she is the one with the problem. Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts on our recent dilemma. Isn't life funny? It can change on a dime. To everyone new on the path I am sending hugs and thoughts for a peaceful and restful evening. Please try to take good care of yourselves. Love to all, Kate

[daveydow1]

Gretchen----I, so, understand the anger that you feel. I guess that

it's something that we always have on this lousy journey we're on.

The injustice of it all....the loss of the child/ren we held dear to our

hearts. They will always be in our hearts & souls. Love the nice

pics you posted. Thanks

Kate----Oh,....I'm so sorry for the life-threatening experience that

your dear husband had. I'm glad that he is now home and resting

in his own bed. Sending prayers for you both.

Pat----I, too, have saved tea that my son, David, gave to me. I

had been having a bit of a hard time over something, and he

had given me St. John's wort tea because it was to have a

calming effect. I still have several of the tea bags left, and I

don't use them......just keep them in my tea cupboard as a

reminder of his love. Your dear Lori is surely smiling down

on you when you have that daily cup of tea. I feel Davey smiles

down on me also.

Laurie-----Thanks so much for posting that beloved pic. It is

so spiritual and soothing to aching hearts.

Donna-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, David.

I hope that you can come back to this site because there is a

lot of love & support here. I've been here 10 years, along with

Dee. It has been a lifeline. Peace to you.

Wanda----I, so, know what you mean about not wanting to go

to sleep because you don't want to wake up the next morning

and feel the awful shock, sadness, and pain again. I, too, felt that

way in the early months on this road.......dreading each and every

morning. This is such an early stage for you, and I know that

it seems as though the pain will never go away. Just come

back to this site if you can......everyone here knows, and

understands, the sorrow of losing a beloved child. Peace.

Shannon-----

I'm glad that you had the opportunity to talk to

the two ladies who were with Trista. It must have brought you comfort. I know how

it is.....one wants to know everything that they can find out

about our dear children's last moments before passing. My

daughter called someone she knew... (a nurse who worked in the Level 1

Trauma center where David was taken after the crash). She

asked if David suffered, and was told by this nurse, who was

on duty the day David was taken in by MedEvac, that he never

regained consiousness. To this day, it bothers me that he had no

family with him when he passed,...But over time, I've reconciled myself

to the thought that he was taken up to heaven at the crash site.

Becky-----That woman sounds just deranged or evil to taunt and torment your

family like that. It's inconceivable that anyone would be so evil. I'm

so very sorry that you are experiencing all this pain. This is pain and

disrespect and sorrow that you do not deserve. Your heart is already

broken with the loss of your son, J.D. I get so angry just thinking of

that person cursing & swearing and being so disrespectful to another

innocent person.....your boy....at the site of the crash. All this cruel,

contemptable, and terrible behaviour is impossible to think anyone

would behave like that. There are no words to describe such evil acts.

I've been 'with you' on your long quest for justice for your son the past 2 yrs.,

and am sorry that justice has not been done. Thanks for the lovely pics of your dear son.

Dee----Cooler today, and rain off and on. My husband harvested a basket of

gourds, which are small and striped multicolor, and some large green

birdhouse-type ones. I put 4 qts. of green beans in the freezer......he

pulled up the plants since that was the end of the harvest. Cornfield

is changing color now, along with the soybeans turning yellow. It will

be harvest time before we know it. I got up early the other day, just before

daylight, and heard a hoot owl back in the woods. Love the change of seasons.

Have you done any walking or bike riding lately?

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry...every time I read your posts....I feel as if I have had a visit with a very sweet friend...

more later....GRANDdaughter Tay needs to complete some homework on my computer....she is a Sophomore in High School....

[daveydow1]

Susan-----thank you for your kind words. I've popped back in

at BI to tell a bit about dragonflies. (I've looked up the info.....

did not know this stuff previously )

My husband was out in the backyard practicing his golf swing last

evening when there were hundreds of dragonflies flying all around,

and in the area.

1. There are 164 varieties of dragonflies in Ohio. ( 5680 species in the world).

2. They are seen in hot months of July, Aug, and Sept.

3.They can fly up to 30 mph.

4. They live under water as nymphs, up to a few years, and emerge as adults.

5. They eat small insects.

6. They cannot live in water that is of poor quality, so the water they

live in must be of good quality.

7. They do not sting people.

Does anyone know if they migrate like butterflies? There was no mention

of migration on the internet site I checked.

Many times there is mention on this site of how we like dragonflies, and

find them lovely and inspirational. We all seem to like them. I have a

stained-glass lamp with dragonfly design on it.

Sherry

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

I've had a lot of dragonflies in my yard this year and we've never had them previously. Everything I've read says they tend to stay near a water source and we have no water source of any kind near us. I've not read anything that says they migrate. So, I've been fascinated by them. I don't know if it has something to do with their food supply, maybe causing them to go places they typically don't in search of food? Regardless, I have enjoyed having them. Right after I read your post I walked out on my deck and counted 11. That's as close as I can get. Sometimes there are more, sometimes less but I see them out there almost everyday. I found this story when I was researching and really liked it so I have it posted on Trista's website.

The Dragonfly Story

In the bottom of an old pond lived some dragonfly nymps who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. He could not go into the water with his new, beautiful body. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number. He knew for them to understand they would have to wait until it was their time. Off he flew to his joyous new life.

The symbolism of dragonflies

The Dragonfly:

It is a symbol of joy and rebirth. In some Native American traditions, it is also symbol of the departed souls. For the Mayan, the dragonfly is the symbol of the goddess of creativity. The dragonfly is a symbol of metamorphosis and transformation, adaptability, Joy, lightness of being.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Just read the last two posts so far today...dragonflies do not migrate that I know of, and if fact have very short lives once they are dragonflies and no longer nymphs...but I may be wrong. This year we have had so few and usually we have so many. I love them. They are probably laying eggs before dying away for the winter.

[summergirl]

Dear Friends,

It has been an extremely trying week and I just need to talk about it. One of Jessica’s best guy-friends passed away this past weekend from an over dose of heroin, his mom found him in the morning when he did not come out of his room. I have been friends with his parents for many years and he was their only son. I went to see her last night and spent some time with her – she looked me in the eye and said “please do not tell me I am going to feel this way for the rest of my life?” I told her “no she would not, that with time, lots of time it would get softer but no matter what I say at this moment you will not believe it, all you can do right now is breathe, take one minute at a time and let your tears come”. She held my hand for the longest time as though she could draw strength from me and told me “I know this is a horrible thing to say but I am glad I have someone who understands” – I told her it was not horrible to feel that way because if I can make this journey she has begun just a bit easier for her then I am happy for that. Kevin was a wonderful young man who made some wrong choices but had been attending meetings and was doing really well – only God knows why. I also have a very good friend whom I work with who lost her 24 year old nephew Robert on the same day as Kevin !! He was working on a dragger when the line snapped and hit him in the head…she called me Sunday morning to tell me and begged me to tell her how to help her sister, what to say and not say. We talked later that evening and she kept thanking me for giving her advice. Today I went to the wake after work, it was at the same place where we had Jessica’s – it took everything I had to walk in the door and as I walked up that isle all I could see was Jessica – I know it was wrong as this was about a 24 year old young man but the memories hit me, taking my breath away and I almost ran out but I stayed strong for my friend and met her sister who said to me “my son is now with your daughter”. Tomorrow is Robert’s funeral. Kevin left a will with instructions to be cremated and no wake or funeral so they are having a memorial on Sunday at their house. I just cannot fathom the loss of two young men on the same day and have spent the week between trying to help and trying to cope with my own damaged heart. I want to say thank you to all of you for leading me to a place where I can help another. It would not be possible had I not found all of you, for all the moments you held me tight, gave me strength, your words of wisdom, your understanding and most of all your love that made me part of your family. I am physically and emotionally drained so I will say good night. I wish you all strength, peace and rest. With loving thoughts – Kathy – Jessica’s mom aways

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, have you considered getting a restraining order?? In Wisconsin, the forms are at our county courthouse....I believe there needs to be one in place for each member of the family separately...my son went through someone making all kinds of harassment against him...this is finally what he had to do...

We just had to fill in a packet and pay the filing fee to get this enforced...

Maybe video her each and every incident she does.. log it in a book, time, date, location, exact type of aggressive behavior....gives it more credibility...

Just some more thoughts for you to consider...

***********************************************************

Shannon, I really loved your story on the dragonflies...they are so colorful....sometimes we get them flying all over our yard, I think they must be eating smaller bugs...I am not sure..

Susan, I agree with your post about Sherry...and though many of us here are separated by the miles, there is a warm, kindred spirit...

Kate, I am glad to hear your husband is resting and is feeling a little better...

Gretchen, nice to see your post...looks like you enjoyed yourself this weekend...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kathy...Jessica's Mom Always.....

Of course....it is written on your heart....you have been through a lot these past days...isn't it strange....how we are put on a certain path...by some unseen force....to stand with the weeping...more later for you....

Dee....have much to say to you....about your 'teachable years'.....you should know by now...that is why you are so...so...wise.....we only become wise for our 'mistakes and bad choices..and taking the wrong path' so to speak.....really....it was to just make us stronger and wiser....and for you to be who you are today...no regrets....for you sat in the classroom of the great Teacher....

Laurie....I have something special to relate to you about Jesse David's Angelversary date....

Has anyone noticed anything about the dates....?? We are certainly tied to something beyond my simple understanding of it all....

On the boat...I was thinking of Del....she was on this site...her son and John David died the same day.....and I was thinking that I knew of some Mom that was having the same kind of day I was....so...Del...if you still read the posts....I was thinking of you.....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I have deleted most of my earlier post, but appreciate all that came to my support, and want to let you know that if not for the understanding I have received from this forum, I probably would be losing my mind.

Susan, Sherry, Kate, Gretchen, Laurie, all of you that responded, thank you so much for your support! Your words reached across the miles we might be apart, and felt like a balm to my soul.

Dee, I can relate to your work environment, as hubby is a counselor in pre-K through 2nd this year. What a challenge!! Thank you for always extending a hand to us on this path, who do look to you for guidance.

Colleen, I appreciate you coming back to express to us that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I cling to that hope.

Gretchen, I hang by a thread, trying to be 'decent' and above this horrid behavior. It also appalls me that my son was victim to that type of evil, and that no justice will be had. At least not in a criminal court system.

Laurie, I have considered the peace order, but was told that it would not apply as this person was on a public roadway, and yet they can get away with stating that I was harrassing them?

I have requested a meeting, where I will ask questions as to how this decision for no charge was decided.

I have also contacted the hired reconstruction person to ask him some questions, that I feel we need the answers to.

Again, considering the lengths this person has gone to make our lives miserable, please don't quote any portion of this post, as I will more than likely delete or edit it later.

Kathy, good to see you here again, but so sorry you have experienced triggers that bring back the pain. Glad you are able to reach out to others.

Kate, I was so sorry to hear about the incident with your husband! That's just awful!! You are right, things can happen and change in an instant!

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for their kind wishes. We are both most appreciative. We are now convinced we have figured out what happened. He usually starts his treatments with three pills. One is anti-nausea, followed by two steroids. Then they hook him up to a drip bag of magnesium and calcium for an hour. Then it is followed by three hours of Folfox chemo drugs (three to be exact) followed by another hour of magnesium and calcium. She forgot to give him the pills. He started to become very ill around noon and she then waited until he was almost through to give him the anti-nausea by injecting it directly by liquid into the picc line. I guess by then he was weak from being ill and not used to receiving it other then pill form at the beginning. It threw him into a full blown severe allergic reaction. Wow, it was so scary. They had to use Heparin then tried Adrenaline and finally Benadryl which seemed to work. They were ready to perform a trach. I know it was an honest mistake. I also know that I can not allow it to happen again. We are now waiting to hear back from our oncologist as it is under review. All chemo has been postponed until they sort this out with the cancer team. Apart from that? Well, things are ok. He is feeling so much better today. The swelling has finally gone and his voice is back. We are going to try to go for a short walk later as it is such a lovely day. I am thinking of you all and wishing you a decent day. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

On 'teachable times' on our lives....I do not represent everyone...but for me....I do know that if it had not been for my 'inner core'....that had been strengthened by all the events in my life...that when the blow came...of losing my John David...I don't think I could have withstood the storm...I would have been swept away....for that is what so many think in the first weeks and months and years....'I just want to be swept away...I just want to leave this pain'.

My 'teachable times' were when I made mistakes...too many times I would make the same mistake over and over and over...til...I learned. It was only when I had children that it dawned on me the 'WHY' my Grama..Essie....had her reactions when I would confess...wail..weep...over the 'how and what' I had done....being in the wrong place at the wrong time..and with the wrong people....the left turns I made when I should have turned right....taking the 'easy' way out instead of the 'hard and right' way. Saying 'yes' to people when my instincts said to say 'no'....letting others decide for me....and finally....feeling like a two faced person for not standing up for what was right...following along for the sake of 'what will others think' if I didn't.

She would have this calm look on her face...there would be no hollering or screaming..no blame or finger pointing...no punishment....just the same question...always...'Well..what are you going to do about it?'...

Now I understood she wanted me to have those times in my life....for that would be the way for me...(maybe not everyone...but for my personality)....to learn and gain the wisdom and strength I would need for the life I had to live. And....I did have some tough times. She also knew I would have to face them without her. As long as I can hear her voice in my ear....I will have a thread to keep me from going over the edge.

John David taught me in many 'teachable moments'.....yes...it is uncanny how our children taught us....how our children raised us up. I hold on.

Dee...you have given me many 'teachable moments' with your sharing of all the events that lead up to and after your Eri's passing....your words and grace teach me...

Kate...you give me teachable moments when you express how you are taking each day as a gift with your husband...

Becky...you give me teachable moments with your warrior Mom courage...to fight on...to right a wrong..

Lora....you have taught me with your sharing of pain...and yet you still put one foot in front of the other...and that one can still stand for their child in doing so much good..

Gretchen...you are my flower child...trying to blossom in a field of dust...your courage in saying...'I will cherish my family and create a life of meaning for them and me'...

Carol....you teach me with seeing your 'sweethearts' in the snow...in clouds...you seek and find..

Laurie....you teach me with sharing your vast knowledge...of things which are not innate...

Shannon...you teach me with your sharing of your day to day life with your young boys...it makes me feel honored that you would let us know how hard to deal with grief and them...

I know I have missed names...but...please know that each of you give me my 'teachable moments' when you post your sorrow...pain...heartache and heart break and heart sick songs from the depths of your grief. I am taught that we are unique...different...live in different parts of the world...come from different cultures...have different family dynamics..but....we still come together to help each other along....you help me pick up my heavy backpack and carry it for me for a part of the journey.

And then there are those that have been on this path a long time...and you teach me...that it is hard...but I can do it. That is a very vague teachable moment for many of us that just can't learn the lesson now....but you let us know....we can learn.

I know this is a long post.....I just wanted to let you know....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I just wanted to let you know I was able to read your post before you took it down. I am so sorry. Getting that letter was, I'm sure, just devastating. I have only been here a couple months but have seen how hard you have fought and I know your Jared has too. He has been with you all along. I think hiring the reconstructionist is a good idea to help get you the answers you need. I have done the same. Thank you for sharing those young pictures of Jared. Such a beautiful, beautiful boy. I'm so sorry for all you're going through with this person. I agree that her behavior shows something wrong on a very deep level. My thoughts are with you.

Susan,

Thank you for letting us all know the ways we help teach. For me, I get so much here from all of you. It's nice to know I give a little back in some way. I do agree with you, that all the times we have struggled, made a wrong choice and had to double back, help prepare us for things to come and make us stronger. Just last night in the book I am reading right now there was a poem that touched on this.

The Healing Time

Finally on my way to yes

I bump into

all the places

where I said no

to my life

all the untended wounds

the red and purple scars

those hieroglyphs of pain

carved into my skin, my bones,

those coded messages

that send me down

the wrong street

again and again

where I find them

the old wounds

the old misdirections

and I lift them

one by one

close to my heart

and I say holy

holy.

Pesha Gertler

Kate,

I'm so glad you're husband is feeling better. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you enjoy your walk and I'm glad you are having a beautiful day. Here it is grey and cold.

Kathy,

I can't imagine how hard and emotional it was to go through all of that but yet you put yourself in a place to help those who are dealing with a pain that you can understand. That is a beautiful thing.

Gretchen,

How wonderful that you were able to go to the GOTR Stopover. My sis and brother in law were at the one in Troy, OH a couple of weekends ago. It had been planned for all of us to go together but, of course, I did not go. My sis said that hearing Mumford and Sons and Old Crow Medicine Show was hard because those are our campfire songs. She said she sang Wagon Wheel (OCMS) and Earth Below My Feet (Mumford and Sons) right through her tears for my Tris and felt her so close during those songs.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello All, I have just been able to get on now...have to read yet....

Susan, yes, please let me know about Jesse's anniversary date...you can pm me if you think it should be shared that way...thank you for remembering it is coming soon...I can feel it sometimes so strong....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky I just pm'd you too...

[lovU2themoon]

i read all your post and wonder if i will ever reach the place lots of you are.

I tried to sleep in my own bed first time since lane died and i cried my self to sleep, only sleeping as long as the sleeping pill lets me.

From my room, which was right next to his, i could hear him playing, gaming, talking with his friends, i would get up and tell him "Lane, a dull roar please i have to work tomorrow"

and now silence, silence that kills me, breaks my heart. I long to hear his voice, gaming. Not the silence!!!

I see no teachable moments, all i feel right now is pain, and sadness, i miss my Laney so much, i can hardly stand it, i can hardly stop myself from screaming...

i see nothing to be learned from losing my son.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

For me, I was more thinking back on the mistakes I've made in life prior to losing my Tris and the things she had to go through that were beyond my control. As a parent no matter what I never want my children to know pain of any kind. Losing her so young has made any times she was hurt or sad stand out more to me because, as we all know, there is pain in life but I expected her to be here to see better days... and she was just not as long as I needed her to be.

I know the silence. My whole world has changed and is lacking the beautiful noise of my sweet Tris. I still don't sleep well. I tried to take a nap today while my husband was here to visit the boys. I just started to drift off when I jolted awake at the sight of her face. I wish I wouldn't have and I could have held on to that image longer.

I think of you so often and of your daughter your sweet Lane.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

On 'teachable times' on our lives....I do not represent everyone...but for me....I do know that if it had not been for my 'inner core'....that had been strengthened by all the events in my life...that when the blow came...of losing my John David...I don't think I could have withstood the storm...I would have been swept away....for that is what so many think in the first weeks and months and years....'I just want to be swept away...I just want to leave this pain'.

My 'teachable times' were when I made mistakes...too many times I would make the same mistake over and over and over...til...I learned. It was only when I had children that it dawned on me the 'WHY' my Grama..Essie....had her reactions when I would confess...wail..weep...over the 'how and what' I had done....being in the wrong place at the wrong time..and with the wrong people....the left turns I made when I should have turned right....taking the 'easy' way out instead of the 'hard and right' way. Saying 'yes' to people when my instincts said to say 'no'....letting others decide for me....and finally....feeling like a two faced person for not standing up for what was right...following along for the sake of 'what will others think' if I didn't.

She would have this calm look on her face...there would be no hollering or screaming..no blame or finger pointing...no punishment....just the same question...always...'Well..what are you going to do about it?'...

Now I understood she wanted me to have those times in my life....for that would be the way for me...(maybe not everyone...but for my personality)....to learn and gain the wisdom and strength I would need for the life I had to live. And....I did have some tough times. She also knew I would have to face them without her. As long as I can hear her voice in my ear....I will have a thread to keep me from going over the edge.

John David taught me in many 'teachable moments'.....yes...it is uncanny how our children taught us....how our children raised us up. I hold on.

Dee...you have given me many 'teachable moments' with your sharing of all the events that lead up to and after your Eri's passing....your words and grace teach me...

Kate...you give me teachable moments when you express how you are taking each day as a gift with your husband...

Becky...you give me teachable moments with your warrior Mom courage...to fight on...to right a wrong..

Lora....you have taught me with your sharing of pain...and yet you still put one foot in front of the other...and that one can still stand for their child in doing so much good..

Gretchen...you are my flower child...trying to blossom in a field of dust...your courage in saying...'I will cherish my family and create a life of meaning for them and me'...

Carol....you teach me with seeing your 'sweethearts' in the snow...in clouds...you seek and find..

Laurie....you teach me with sharing your vast knowledge...of things which are not innate...

Shannon...you teach me with your sharing of your day to day life with your young boys...it makes me feel honored that you would let us know how hard to deal with grief and them...

I know I have missed names...but...please know that each of you give me my 'teachable moments' when you post your sorrow...pain...heartache and heart break and heart sick songs from the depths of your grief. I am taught that we are unique...different...live in different parts of the world...come from different cultures...have different family dynamics..but....we still come together to help each other along....you help me pick up my heavy backpack and carry it for me for a part of the journey.

And then there are those that have been on this path a long time...and you teach me...that it is hard...but I can do it. That is a very vague teachable moment for many of us that just can't learn the lesson now....but you let us know....we can learn.

I know this is a long post.....I just wanted to let you know....

Thank you for your comment. I feel that through all of the adversity that we have gone through it has taught us that life is so fragile. Each and every day is so very precious. We decided at one point hat it is necessary for us to let the negatives go. To embrace all that is positive. Not to cling to negative and unhealthy thoughts. Anger, bitterness, etc. It just brings you down. We took the opportunity today to take a short, but lovely walk on an amazing fall day. We enjoyed with a real embrace the gift of just being alive. The sun was warm and the breeze off of the lake was perfect. I am not angry with the girl that flubbed his treatment. I am more grateful than ever to have him with me. It would be easy to be angry and want her punished. But why? She is human. She made an honest mistake and we forgive her. The outcome is all that really matters today. He is still alive and it all was corrected. I can guarantee you that she will not repeat that error. She stayed on for two hours after her shift to help with the treatment. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do...but it gives you a sense of release when you are able to reach that point. For many it takes a huge amount of time. We are accepting our days as a blessing and we are grateful for living today. God answered my prayers on Wednesday. Wow, how cool is that? Thanks Jeff for helping out as well. I know you were in that room. Love to all, Kate

[daveydow1]

Kathy-----So sorry to hear of the deaths of those two fine

young men on the same day----Robert and Kevin. So good

of you to go to the wake. Praying for the familes in this time

of their great sorrow.

Shannon----I'm glad that you saw the dragonflies too. Today,

I have not seen any of them. It seems that, here----they were

swarming, sort of, in an area of about a mile. We saw them over on

the other hillside when we drove that way to go to the store.

None in sight today. Thanks for the lovely Dragonfly story and

facts about different culture's beliefs about them. I especially

loved the story of the dragonfly going up the lilypad stem, and

emerging into the lovely creature he became. Such a beautiful

analogy, isn't it?

Kate-----So glad to hear that your husband is feeling better

after the terrible, scary ordeal that he went through....I'm so sorry

that happened to him. It's good that there will be a review

of the incident, and to address the error. Peace to you both.

Susan----

Thanks for your post about 'teachable moments'. You

were no doubt given a lot of influence and inner strength from

your dear Grama Essie. I, too, had a wonderful Gram who influenced

me. She's been gone over 30 years now, but I still think of her and

thank her for all she tried to teach me. Peace to you.

Laurie----Sending thoughts & prayers as Jesse David's angel day approaches.

Wanda----

I agree with you......in this very early stage for you, it is probably

not at all possible to think about what you will learn. The shock, pain,

devastation and despair is just too great at this time for you to think of

anything else. I, too, felt that way in my early times......I thought "why are

people telling me these things? Is it to give me courage?......that is not

going to ever work.....why don't they just say nothing to me"? I hope and

pray that you can keep coming here to BI where there is love and understanding.

Peace & prayers, friend.

Dee------Mixed weather here today. Cool....sunshiny.....rain...then sunshine again.

Typical early fall weather. Can't make up its mind what to do. Have you heard

more about the condition of your former student who was injured in the crash

that her two friends died ? Poor girl. I pray for her.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

“Hi all, I'm new to the group. Lost my son Aug.21,13 to pancreatic cancer, We found out on Sat and he was gone on Wed. Such a shock !! Don't know what else to say at this time, trying to deal with the loss. He was 57 and a loving grandpa and dad, loved his family so much.I guess it's normal to stop going to Church at the moment, having a hard time dealing with all this.. Donna ”

Donna, just want you to know that you and yours are in my prayers tonight for your son, David...these early days are very hard...you might not even remember much from them later...I know I have about 3 months of memory missing except for the extreme horror of waking up each morning and realizing my son is dead...share when you can...we hold your hand..

****************************

Jena, thinking of you today with the loss of your son...since your son loss was a prolonged illness there are certainly other layers of pain....I hope the book about Heaven was helpful and did not aggravate the pain...

******************************

Wanda...you are so right...it is the silence that is so deafening...it is so hard to come to terms with this new reality...and you are in middle of some of the worst of the raw pain...

“and now silence, silence that kills me, breaks my heart. I long to hear his voice, gaming. Not the silence!!!”

....there are so many mom/dads here that have been a help to me since I have been on this forum...it has been a very loving, caring community of souls...

[ericasmom]

I so wish I could visit with you All more often, this is hard...reading so many posts and forgetting some of the things I want to say and being so very tired each night after work, but maybe now that the weather is cooling down I will have a bit more energy. Today it was only in the 60's, my favorite kind of weather, with puffy clouds and blue, September blue skies. My cold is much better but husband is getting it now. Darn.

Kate, I read your words the other night but was just too tired to say anything intelligent so I just went to bed and prayed for your Dear Husband and you. I am so glad to read that he has recovered so nicely and has had two outdoor walks since. May this continue now, strength and joy for the day. Indeed Jeff stands and walks beside you both.

Kathy, such sadness and loss in one day. One simple day on a calendar and so much has changed for those who love those boys. We sure do get that. I am happy that the Moms of these Boys have you to lean on. Remember to take good care of you in all of that.

Susan, yes, teachable moments run through our stories, I so agree. If I was able to lend a hand out through my stories of Erica, I am so glad.

Do you mean the dates of birthdays/ angel days? Yes, I see several.

Randa did such fine work along the road that day, what a wonder she is to race to the rescue and let her training take her to that spot where she was driven to save a life. GO RANDA! Boy, I bet John David is beaming on her. I know that you are proud.

I often think of Del and wonder where she is, if she is okay. You and she sure do share dates and geography.

Sherry, harvest time for you guys hu? How are your spuds? Beans?

Oh about the girl from the crash? I have heard nothing more except that the drunk driver is going to jail for a long time, as he should.

Wanda, as Sherry said so well, it is too early for you to even think of teachable moments in this pain. It will take many steps and turns of the clock and calendar pages before you might see something new or important in all of this. Scream Girlfriend, screaming is sometimes the only way to express this horror.

Jen, I have kept journals from before Eri's death 10 years ago, so I do have a long account of how life unfolded and how we slowly find our footing and our pieces and rebuild ourselves. I am glad to hear that you are feeling content in a new area. Blessings to you.

Becky, your fight has been bravely fought, don't feel you have failed because you haven't. I know it did not turn the way you hoped, but it is not over yet and besides, your Beautiful Jared is smiling his gorgeous smile and is so proud of the fight you waged and continue to wage. Sometimes what we find in our battle toward justice is that there are many levels of change that occur from our actions, maybe not the one big thing, but instead many smaller experiences and changes in others. Some change is very very slow, but it has to begin somewhere, like a tiny river that starts as a trickle up in the hills, and begins to pick up steam and speed as it tumbles its way down. change is like that.

Lora, you okay?

Gretchen I love that you are festing among the tunes and performers that delight our Angels and all the people around you.

Shannon, sleep becomes harder for a time and one day it will be better again. It is so hard to go without sleep though, I know. When I wake up in the night as I so often do, I keep my eyes open and pray and try to visualize who I am praying for and I often fall asleep as I do so. Love the poem you posted.

Laurie, how are you doing?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I really liked what you wrote about the teachable moments…

“I don't think I could have withstood the storm...I would have been swept away....for that is what so many think in the first weeks and months and years....'I just want to be swept away...I just want to leave this pain'.”

I am honored that you have found a little something in what I share....I have always loved your style that comes through...must be Grama Essie...I believe I would like to adopt her as my angel grama...is that possible???

Whatever you wish to share about Jesse is fine with me and I know with him...he was a very open transparent person...so what you saw is what you got...as I said before...so many hurting people were drawn to him because of his gentle spirit, I struggle so hard with how someone like him got the short straw, and other mean-spirited, ‘hurtful to others’ get the long straw...I know there are not answers here...

****************************************************

Dee, glad to hear you are better....there is nothing worse than have a cold and having it in hot weather...I am holding together, however, I believe I am rather like an Eeyore at this point...this could change as I get closer to the angel date...I plan on scheduling some screaming time then...

***************************************************

Kate, I believe that your Jeff was there...I am so glad to hear your husband is feeling better and are able to go on some walks....

***************************************************

Shannon, thank you for sharing the poem...I understand the sleeplessness...I am getting more into that now...it is only in my sleep I can escape this “new” reality...though lately I have been having a bit more trouble with nightmares...do not know why...just am...

***************************************************

Sherry, thanks for being there as you said, with love and understanding...your story about David and Lisa, let’s say there is a double pain layer...I know you understand what I mean...

*************************************

Lora, also sending out hugs tonight for you....

***************************************

Kathy, thanks for being there for others even though it was hard for you...

*****************************************************

Wishing everyone a good night...sleep peacefully....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Yes. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, help can come in the most unexpected places. Reaching out to those women was a wonderful start. We all tend to withdraw when we are in extreme pain. I feel we have all done that when we are going through this terrible grief stage and with personal situations surrounding it that are difficult. Hold on my friend, you can do it! Those kids of yours are there and need you to help them along. Trista is also walking this journey as painful as it is for you to try to see at this point. She is and will always be your beautiful and cherished girl. You make the call here. One day at a time. Nobody can tell you how to do this. I hope that you will be able to connect with one of those ladies and openly discuss your feelings. At least you know that you are not alone. You have us to reach out to. I am going to try that relaxing tea that you mentioned on a previous post. Do you have a good book to read after the kids are in bed? Hold on, we are here for you. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Kate. If it weren't for all of you I don't think I could have made it this far. I know it was being able to reach out here and being welcomed with so much support and love that gave me the courage to get this far and reach out to these women now. I'm so thankful for this place and all of you. I do have a book. I read so much. The kava kava tea really does help.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

i read all your post and wonder if i will ever reach the place lots of you are.

I tried to sleep in my own bed first time since lane died and i cried my self to sleep, only sleeping as long as the sleeping pill lets me.

From my room, which was right next to his, i could hear him playing, gaming, talking with his friends, i would get up and tell him "Lane, a dull roar please i have to work tomorrow"

and now silence, silence that kills me, breaks my heart. I long to hear his voice, gaming. Not the silence!!!

I see no teachable moments, all i feel right now is pain, and sadness, i miss my Laney so much, i can hardly stand it, i can hardly stop myself from screaming...

i see nothing to be learned from losing my son.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. When my son died all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and go to sleep. I did not feel that anyone could possibly understand or relate to my pain. I felt completely alone and isolated. The first few months were surreal. It is so hard to grasp that it has happened. We tend to block out of self preservation. The mind can do crazy things to help us cope. But in time the pain will begin to get better. It won't seem as bad as it is right now. But it takes patience and self strength to force yourself to continue. You can do this. Please try to take good care of yourself and make sure you are eating and getting at least a reasonable amount of sleep. Have you considered going to see a grief counselor or participating in a group that can relate to your loss? It has not been long for you and after all you have suffered a tremendous loss. Crying and screaming is good to get it out if it helps. I tried to make out a to do list. If I could accomplish at least one thing on that list a day I considered it a good day. Eventually I started to cross off several and so on and forth. Just remember that you are not alone and we are always here for you. Holding you close. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, for me, there are still many days where I crawl up in that little ball....you had some good words for Wanda...

I thought I would share a portion of the book Shannon recommended...it really struck me...

"Grief takes us into a terrain where we must develop other senses, other ways of knowing. We must learn to see in the dark.

Within this darkness we become porous to another world. Some crack or fissure appears in these times of sorrow, allowing us to touch other worlds, if only for a moment. During these times, we are granted a glimpse of a larger reality, far beyond the scope of how we live our daily lives.

For some, this represents entry into the sacred world, one filled with awe and wonder. For others, it is a confirmation of an intuition that there exists another world behind this world. Whatever the experience, grief offers a revelation: In the midst of great loss, we find ourselves in the presence of the sacred."

- from Entering the Healing Ground

[ericasmom]

Yes Laurie, the part of the book you quoted there is kind of what I was feeling those six days in the hospital as Eri lay dying. There was/is magic embedded in loss, that is if we are privy to it. I do feel that having had those three nightmares and the 4th nightmare like a night terror, in the months leading up to Eri's death, was a glimpse from some other realm. Not good but nevertheless some kind of communication. The hand on my shoulder as we were nearly at the hospital, the hand letting me know that Eri was not going to live. The stories then that surrounded Eri those days, the music, the gathering of so many in her name, the pink sky hours after she died adn the clouds that looked just like her and were seen in the next state at the same time...the hurricane named the day she died out in the Pacific; Hurricane Erica...the ongoing sense of her experienced by many in very similar ways. She showed us in so many ways that she would be present in our lives, present in her new ways. the fight for some justice and changes, the fund raising in her name to support the children at the school where I teach, so many ways that we carry Erica forward and carry her smile into the lives of others. She is the warmth of my spirit, the music in my soul.

Shannon, I am so glad that you reached out to some women in your area. So great that all four reached back. I hope that you find friendship in this group and that it truly fills a space that could use friendship. We are always here for you as you well know, but some actual humans to share a cup of coffee with and shoulders to lean on are good to have near. I know you don't want to feel you need others in this way, but I am so very proud of you to take this step.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...I have carried your sharing with me....you sharing your 'story'...sharing your girl, Eri, with all of us....I mentioned before that I see with 'eyes wide open' or like having a 'third eye' now....and still I feel like I am sitting in a classroom...to learn a lesson....I just can't understand all that is being taught....but I am game...

I am in my 'teachable moment'....what I will be...or learn....is still far ahead...

Laurie...I need to read that book...I will share later about the date...don't have the time now..but willing....and I agree....and have such a hard time with the 'why him'...??

Shannon....sometimes when I read a post....I just want to 'swoop people up'....bring them here...and we all just sit around a big circle....have that cup of coffee...and share our care.....I do hope that you find some 'real people' to talk and be around...nothing like a 'human face' to talk it all out....just wish I lived down the street to help you with the boys....when you get so tired of carrying it all...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I think many of us here would love a cup of coffee on your front porch...then a trip by the sea shore.....

*********************************************************

I thought I would share this...I have found it has been so easy to get Kindle books at Amazon...

I have the Kindle for PC on my laptop... that way when I find a good book I can get it right away...I am way too impatient at times to wait for something in the mail...and sometimes have the need to read the book right away...just one more tool that for me has been helpful....

Here is a link to the Kindle for PC...it is free, which is just my price...

http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000426311

Thinking of everyone...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan, a cup of coffee at your house with all of you would be perfect. I know it's highly unlikely I will ever find someone I can share things with the way we all do here. I am more real here than anywhere else. Having some connections where I live though, I think is necessary for me to feel a little stronger.

Dee,

There was/is magic embedded in loss, that is if we are privy to it.

I felt it too before and now...

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing what you do. Many times when you share a poem or a part of a book it's just the right thing at the right time.

I like that we are reading the same book right now. I do think you've gotten a little ahead of me though.

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

once again i haven't had a chance to read. i feel somewhat trapped by time and people's need for my attention. i am at my mom's, she just left and i am due back in konawa soon.

i wanted to tell you all about the weekend. it was really the first time i felt kind of free of the dark cloud. maybe because i was not at home, nor my kids' or my mom's nor any of the people involved in anyway will my real life. i would not say i felt joyful and estatic but i had a freer feeling than i have had in two years. i had a couple moments where i was struck with grief and wanted to cry but mostly i was just drifting along in a peaceful space.

all we took was a tent, fold up hamocks, crackers, bread, water cookies and cheese and peanut butter. when i wasn't listening to a band i was walking around looking at things or sitting in the shade of a fence reading or embroidering. i just felt sort of weightless with nothing in my mind.

having to use my cane all weekend and the fact we were so much older the kids there went out of the way to help us, speak to us etc. they were so lovely to watch and be around.

so i was trying to wear my new philosophy of enjoying the time now because soon it will be gone. maybe tomorrow. when my son, logan and i were packing up forest's house. he said crying "forest was such a good atheist" and i told him it was ok it didn't matter anymore and he said "no, what i mean is he lived every moment to the fullest because he believed this is all there is."

as you might know my new thought was that i would see him again so i needed to enjoy the time with his sibs and the people i love while i can. well the book i was reading was called "hope endures" written by a former nun of mother teresa's order. in the end she had no faith and her thought was "the journey is all there is, the ones we love along the way our greatest joy." which gave me pause and a lot to think about. i decided that if this is all there and i was never going to see him again as forest believed then i was truly blessed to have had him be such a big part of my journey. so much more blessed really than most of this world and i was trying to adapt to never seeing him again.

i was thinking of this and at the end of my work day i looked down and right at my feet where i always sit was a tiny silver star. if you read my star story you know the stars were there months ago. my first thought was forest was saying don't forget me mom i am waiting for you. reason eventually told me it had fallen out of something i had recently at the cemetery but you know the stars are basically all under the grass now so anyway it kind of reassured me that though maybe this is all there is maybe not and i will continue believing he waits for me while i love and enjoy the rest of my family and roll memories of him round and round everyday to continue to enjoy the huge part he played in my journey and stil does.

funny this little bit that i have commited to is making tears well up in my eyes. i may never find something i can live with but i am only 2 years in and i will keep trying because forest wants me to and waits for me right?

love to all. your children are worth every tear you shed and also every moment of joy you can have in their name

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This is the new aluminum sign that we installed on our property, viewable as you travel northbound.

This is the one we just installed today on the other end of our neighborhood, half mile away, viewable by southbound traffic!

I was very glad to get home and get my aching toe out of these shoes!! I dropped this sign on my toe in my garage when flipping this sign over to paint the backside of it!

Going to a formal dinner tonight with my hubby. About the 2nd time in 2 years we have gone out. I had to buy a fancy pair of flip-flops to wear under my long gown, as there is NO way my toe will go in dress shoes. Still very painful.

[ericasmom]

Becky the signs look amazing! I love the colors and the clarity of the photo is pretty amazing. He will be thought of by many, his energy seeping into the lives of those who drive past.

I forgot to ask or even comment on the toe. OW! I read about it a few days ago, too busy at the time to comment but thought that it sounded like a mushed toe. Is it broken? You know you could tape the toe to the next one to give it some support. I hope that you two have a lovely time tonight.

Brenda and Carol, Leah, Betty, Trudi, Bonnie, Betsy, Rhonda, Del, all those we see infrequently, know that I carry you with me in my thoughts and hopes.

Shannon, I do believe that you have been met with so much magic in your early months of grief, your Daughter knowing that she needed to keep your heart open to the possibilities so that you could continue to take care of the family. She lets you know that she is present.

Gretchen, I am so glad for the respite in the deep grief the free feeling you experienced for a few days, how wonderful. The star at your feet only reassures me that Forest is saying, Mom, there is something beyond, and I am there dancing in the starlight. Our belief systems do go through so many changes, and we all question what we used to believe and compare it to now, basically I think that that is healthy and natural. I do still believe that our Children are who we will see again, we will be led to them or led to that new place by them in all of their wonder. I have always believed in another place, I still do.

Susan, Erica is such a force in my life, a force of good energy guiding me to try to do a bit of something lovely each day. I heard the blue-jays this morning and I said, " HI Bing, I hear ya." She loved blue-jays, their bossy ways and amazing patterned feathers. When Autumn is trying to enter on the wind, jays squawk and fly and build new nests for winter.

[tobyfreefoot]

home now running to dress to go to okc to see "wicked"

love your sign becky. had to laugh at your formal flip flops! kind of thing that would happen to me.

here are two pics of a cremation ceremony posted by my friend in bali. i have asked him to write a little about it so i can share their beliefs on this site.

the other i just came across after reading dee's coment and see me in the house and forest in the sky. have a good evening

[ericasmom]

Always!

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thank you for sharing that song. I have always loved Carol King. I hope you are feeling better now after a very hectic few weeks. I hope your cold has cleared up nicely. Becky, the sign is great! You have put a lot of effort into your drive to prevent a further death from happening. Sorry about your toe. Hope you have a wonderful time tonight at the dinner. Gretchen, the pics of the cremation in Bali were really interesting. One heck of a send off. Shannon, I hope that today was a slightly better one for you than you have had recently.Well, thinking of everyone and wishing you all the best. Kate

[daveydow1]

Dee---thanks for the song "Child of Mine" by Carole King. She has

always been a fav. My sister and I have been busy getting

my mom (age 93) settled in her new 1-floor apt. which is very close

to my sis. Mom fell out of bed last night, and my sis found her on

the floor this a.m. and it seemed like touch & go there for awhile, but

we got her up and after awhile she was well-oriented and seemed back

to normal. We gave her food etc., as she complained of a headache--

but she had not her regular morning cup of coffee. After her coffee, & food,

she was doing well. She now uses a walker, and we're hoping that

after she gets used to her new surroundings, she will be well satisfied

with her apt. Her beloved dog goes by air from Pittsburg airport to Minneapolis,

for my other sister to pick up. That sis has always loved pets, and already

has a dog & 2 cats, so now she'll have two of each....bless her heart.

Shannon----I'm so glad that you had reached out to the three women

who offered support. As you said.....sometimes having someone to

talk to face-to-face is a very comforting and helpful thing. I do remember

when you first came on BI, Shannon, and I could 'hear' the pain & suffering in your

posts. Also, I felt a real kinship with you since your lovely little Trista,

and my son David had died in crashes involving trucks. Even though

their deaths are years apart, we still share circumstances leading up to

our darlings' leaving this earth too soon, and all the pain, anger, and frustration

surrounding investigations, police etc......on top of our devastation and sorrow

for our loss. I'm so glad that you found us here at BI.

Wanda----I agree with Kate.....that sometimes screaming or crying can

be therapeutic. Crying releases endorphins in the brain....they are like

a natural pain med. I know how I used to sort of 'fight off' crying in the

very early days after David's death, but of course could not keep that at

bay for too long.....then I'd just cry and cry for my loss. Then, strangely

enough, I would feel somewhat better, somehow. This is very early times

for you, in your devastating loss of your dear son, Lane, and the sorrow

overwhelms now. Please come back here to BI. Everyone understands.

Laurie-----

You are right----a memory, thought, sign, or perhaps a dream of our children will

all give us a tiny glimpse of the heaven that our dear kids are now in.....their

perfect world. For we parents, who had to survive, it is so exceedingly painful and

hard to bear. But, you are right.....we get a tiny glimpse, ever so brief, of that other peaceful realm.

Becky-----

The new sign is just so nice, and with the great straightforward

message. I'm hoping that your sore toe is on the mend, and so glad that

you & your husband had a nice night out.

Gretchen----Thanks for the lovely pic you posted.

I,too, miss all those who have not been on BI for awhile.....Betty, Trudi, Rhonda, Bonnie,

Sonya, Shelly, Claudia, Amy, Leah, Sandy, Cindy, Betsy, and so so many others that I

must be forgetting. Wishing peace & comfort to all.

Sherry

[Newbie17]

Shannon,

I know the pain of being all alone while your heart is being ripped in two. I too have suffered from panic attacks so bad that I sit in the parking lot while my daughter runs in for the grocery list. I honestly have broke down crying when the cashier has asked how are you today? It is just easier to sit in the car. I do not work outside the home either that is probably a good thing . My ex husband has not been on the scene since he left 13 years ago. My sons medical care was a little much for him. But I do know just the need to talk to someone. I am thankful for my other three children or else I honestly would not see ny purpose of being here. So ANYTIME you want to talk I am available. I still retread parts of this touching heaven book I like to be reminded of the beautiful place my son passed on to. I surely would of traded places with him in a minute but The Lord has shown me just how very selfish that is. I would not of wanted him to be left with the broken heart that is felt afterwards. The sad thing is my son was referred to hospice 5 years prior to passing. The drs were amazed he endured on while he was functioning on so little. I actually think he endured because he was more worried about how I would do without him. Just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers.

God bless,

Jene

Ps I do not know how to put a profile picture up.

[lovU2themoon]

i long for these days to go by, i hate wishing my life away, but i hate these painful days.

Today is the first day i have been alone in my house since Lane died, and i don't know what to do with my self. i am alone, for the first time in 21 years, since i had my daughter.one of them was always around usually Lane. i was married for 14 yrs, but its been the 3 of us for the last 10 or so, and now, its just me. I am not ready for this!

I can't hold my 21 yr old daughter back, she went out with friends, she cant stay home just cause i am alone. i know that in my head, but my heart just wants her to stay with me cause i miss Lane so much, i want to hold her even closer so nothing happens to her.

I appreciate all the nice thing everyone on this page is saying, and i appreciate you all letting me carry on about my pain, i know we are all in pain too. just at different stages.

I guess that's why i am wishing these days away, to get away from this dark dark pain.

I miss him so much....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Jene,

It sounds like you had a very long, hard road taking care of son...such loving dedication to him...

...I know I would have gladly traded places with my son....it does tear a mother's heart in two...


 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for sharing that song. I've been working on a video of Trista but I haven't been able to find the "right" song. I would love to use that one if that's okay. I think it's perfect.

Sherry,

Thank you for you words of support. I felt a kinship with you as well. I will never be able to look at a truck like that again without thinking of the damage it could do. It is so hard to have to deal with all of the legal aspects, all the questions, on top of the grief of our loss. Trista has pushed me to reach out in ways I never have before or probably ever would. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom but I'm glad she's okay now and will be close to your Sis.

Becky,

The signs are beautiful. You did an amazing job. I'm sure you will look perfect tonight in your fancy flip flops.

Jene,

I still do not shop. I can't. Everywhere I go, I break down. I get what I need in little trips just to grab this or that. I'm also glad I don't work away from home right now. It isolates me but I don't think I would be able to. I'm glad you have your other children to give you the drive to take another step. My boys do that for me too.

" I surely would of traded places with him in a minute but The Lord has shown me just how very selfish that is. I would not of wanted him to be left with the broken heart that is felt afterwards"

I really understand this statement. I have struggled with the same thoughts. I said to someone recently, that I wish I would have had the chance to trade Trista places. They responded with, "What makes you think she'd want to trade you places?" It was kind of a slap in the face but it was said with love and there was so much truth in that question.

It's hard when you are alone in your grief but coming here has helped so much. There are truly beautiful souls here sharing their journey.

Wanda,

I remember the first time I was alone. It was so hard, quiet, empty, sad, painful... A lot of times it still is. We are all here, holding your hand.

Gretchen,

Thank you for sharing the pictures. I love you story of the star.

Laurie,

I have had similar thoughts when I think of Mary and Jesus. I love your song. Thank you for sharing.

For Heaven seems so far away, at times its hard to wait,

Sometimes its hard to hear You above life's shout...

This is how I feel a lot.

Saturdays are hard for me too.

Kate,

I hope you had a good day and your husband is feeling better still. I'm feeling stronger today. Thank you for asking about me.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am doing a bit better today, no panic, anyway. I went to Trista's Angel Spot to take flowers and to her her site to bring flowers and clean up a bit. I lay on my blanket beside her and watched the sky and talked to her for a long time. There were a lot of butterflies today. It helped to have that time... quiet... just to feel her close.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[Guest]

 

.

[ericasmom]

Lora, I hope you are feeling much better, this cold hit hard, and it lingers on in a cough and some tiredness. Take good care of yourself.

Shannon, please use that song, it is so fitting isn't it?

Today my Son, Jonathan, is 32 years old. We are heading to his place for the BEARS game birthday party. I remember fully what this day was like 32 years ago. My Sweetie-Boy came to us at around 8:10 in the evening after 20 hours of hard labor finally, a c-section. My little boy is 32 and it was just a little while ago it seems.

Stay well everyone,

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I found this resource on Youtube...it is the Compassionate Friends network...there are many videos...

https://www.youtube.com/user/compassionatefriends?feature=watch

The following video is from Carol Kearns who worked under Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:

Carol Kearns lost her daughter, Krissie, to a drowning on the Oregon coast...

I should add that her book was a 30 year work in progress..there was a lot of her own internal grief work that was ongoing....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, happy birthday to your son....hope you enjoy the game...

Lora, thanks for sharing the song...

[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, thanks for thinking of us. Yes, it is so hard to lose a child this way. His depression became more then he could handle. But I have been told that he is now ok and at peace. His ghost has indeed been laid to rest. After that occurrence last fall there have been no more feelings of closeness in sensing his presence. He has definitely moved on. And I now feel that I can do the same. Somehow I must find the strength to let him go and move forward with my own life. I do know that I can speak to him whenever the feeling arises but that I am here on earth and he has moved on. Becky, how was the party last night. Hope those shoes worked ok for your feet. Gretchen, how was the concert? Sherry, I imagine you are very busy on the farm getting things ready for winter. We woke up this morning tovery cool temps. Dee, hope Jon has a great birthday with the family. Enjoy! Laurie, hope your day is a good one. Hubby is just sleeping at the moment and then we are going to head out for a while. Kate

[daveydow1]

Laurie-----Such a lovely song... "Forgotten Song".....heartfelt words. Thanks

for posting it. Yes.....I agree.....Saturdays are difficult for me too, sometimes.

David died under the wheels of a 40,000 lb. semi on a clear sunny Saturday.

It's not so hard for me at this stage (10 yrs.), but do remember those dreadful

days early on this lousy journey. Your dear Jesse is surely watching down

on you to help give you some strength on Saturdays, and all other days too. Peace to you.

Shannon----Your visit to Trista's Angel Spot brings you comfort, and just talking

to your dear girl soothes your tormented soul. I, too, find it comforting to visit

David and Lisa's graves.....(same cemetery), to talk to them, tend the graves, and also

visit my dad's grave. Thanks for the best wishes for my mom. I agree......it can be

very difficult to work after the death of a child. I do understand that some have no

choice.....bless them. I worked about 3 mo. after David died, but was within a few

yrs. of retiring, and my husband was already retired, so I just left the job. It was a

job I really loved (librarian), but is also a "people" job. Must be upbeat, helpful etc.

and of course attentive to all the 'ins & outs' of the daily routine & computer work

in circulation. I just wasn't able to hold it all together.....the toll was too great. I, so,

know what you mean about seeing trucks. They are an excruciating reminder of our sorrow.

I know your boys are a big help to you. Bless their hearts. Peace & comfort.

Lora-----Hope you're feeling better by now. Colds are a real drag.

Dee-----Happy Birthday to Jon !! So nice to have a Bears game/ birthday celebration

today. I hope they win.

PEACE TO ALL.

Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

I know you are enjoying your SONshine boys birthday...and also...your GRANDdaughter...all this and heaven, too, huh? Thank you for the song....

I don't know how to post songs...but my GRANDson, Austin, sent a message and a song to me on FB....it is by Brandi Carlyle...called..."In the Morrow"....he said he heard it and thought of John David....how I need things like that....

Loved the poem Laurie....that had to come from a deep, deep place for it to have that kind of message...

Lora...I thought maybe you were on your get-away that you mentioned....hope you are feeling better....Geez....I woke up yesterday feeling great....and within two hours...I felt like I had not slept in 3 days...and felt like the flu was coming on.....I had 'lots of plans and things to do'....and usually I just fight through it....but...now....with the grief walk....I have learned to simply.....rest. I have learned to 'give in to it'....and then...I remembered....it was my Mom's Angelversary....'oh..I thought...now I know'....I 'knew' it in some place....so....I spent the day in rest..in memory...in gratitude....and laughter.....I have so many stories of my Mom....she was called 'Baby Doll' ever since she was born....everyone called her Baby Doll ...and she was a Beauty for sure. One has to know the dynamics of our family....she was very, very smart...but she was 'very dependent on her Mom..(Essie) and my Dad...who adored her....there were many times I felt like her parent...but then again...I was always very mature for my age. So grateful ...I have met so many that did not have a good Mother/Daughter relationship....just wish they could have had some time with her...there were no 'heavy or tired times' around her...if there were theme words for her it would have to be 'fun and spontaneity'. This will sound strange...but I am so glad she did not have to go through John David's passing...am glad she was there to greet him...I know she threw a party for him.