Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Shannon----I , so, hope that you will begin to feel somewhat better soon, and

that you can be able to keep some food down. As others have suggested,

try to eat just small amounts more often and see how you do. This upsetting

time for you is a part of the roller coaster---the highs and lows.....that we get

jerked through on this lousy road we're on. Sending prayers for you, friend.

Thank you, Sherry.

It is like a roller coaster. I won't say that any days are up yet but I do have days were I can think more of good memories, feel my connection to Tris, and almost find just a little bit of peace. Then the days were it all comes crashing down again. My mind goes in circles. I think I've come to terms with one thing and then it's back in my head and I have to try to process it, and work through it again. I keep thinking of anytime Tris was sad, hurt or lonely and I get so angry that she had to go through that. I have so many happy memories, why do I keep going back to the sad stuff? I know the things she went through made her stonger, more compassionate, more able to be the one all her friends depended on. I wish I could only think of it in that way. I never know what it's going to be or how I will feel from day to day. The last few days were very angry, sad days.

I miss her so much.

[ericasmom]

_{Going to bed, I have a bad cold.}

_{Shannon, your Girl was who she was/is due to what she wentthrough and due to her happy times that helped form her into the sweet bright sprite she became. Those hard times???We had them too, but nobody thinks of young kids not living longer, so those bad or sad times seem more relevant, but I think that in actuality, those were character-building times.}

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Dee. I agree. I know we all went through those times too. A lot of kids do. I just always expected to sit with Trista as an adult and talk about how much she'd overcome. It's just one of those things I keep trying to make sense of and she did overcome so much while she was here. I am so proud of her. I hope you are able to get over your cold soon.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I'm still just getting past the shock that she is not here with me and to try to process all of it at once is too much. I am meeting with the woman who held Trista after the accident tomorrow evening. I'm hoping that turns out to be something that will give me some peace.

Zak, Aiden, and I went to Trista's site over the weekend. Zak doesn't go with me a lot so on the way home I asked him if it was very hard for him to go. He said it wasn't but that he didn't need to go there to feel close to Trista. So, I asked him what makes him feel close to Tris and he said, "I'm always close to Tris and always will be."

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I love your Son's response, the closeness he feels is worn on his heart. Siblings, and each sibling differently, deal differently and grieve differently. I am so happy that you ask the boys the questions you do, it leaves open that door to speak of anything they need at any time. I also adore your analogy of the dream...I love it, yes, recreating you. You are nurturing this new heart that has to be rebuilt, new hopes.

I know what you mean about worry about the hard times. Eri was in some bad situations as a teen, one in which she was at a small gathering, (was not suppose to be there) and a boy pulled out a gun to play russian roulette. She and Melissa were in the bathroom putting on more makeup, (halloween) and heard a shot---Chris, the boy who lived at the apartment, was dead.

When this happened I felt that Eri's life was forever changed, and she was only 15. I felt that she lost a layer of innocence that she needed to stay a kid, you know? It was so sad for everyone involved.

Also, I dated a not good guy for 2.5 years during Eri and Jon's lives, and when I think of the time I wasted on that creep and the way Eri and Jon disliked him (for good reason), I get sad thinking of why I was so dumb and blind to the idiot and did not put Eri and Jon's thoughts first. Bad Mom.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

This is from a book I'm reading right now and it made me think of all of us and this place:

Grief work is soul work. It requires courage to face the world as it is and not turn away, to not burrow into a hole of comfort and anesthetization. Grief deepens our connection with Soul, taking us into territories of vulnerability, exposing the truth of our need for others in times of loss and suffering. I have been moved on many occasions when someone risked revealing what was present in their heart; the raw, naked expression of sorrow, exposing something utterly vulnerable.

This is what this "place" and the everyone who comes to share allows us to do.

Thinking of all today. It will be a long day, waiting for 7pm to meet with the woman who held my Girl.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky – During the first couple of years, every memory hurts. But as time goes on, I have learned to “turn the channel” on the memories that hurt to the memories that do not hurt. That takes a long time. Brian was a risk-taker. It seemed like I was always “re-directing” him. It has been over 5 years for us. I cannot tell you that I do not think of those bad memories, but I have learned to deal with them better. Prayers to you, Becky.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

Thank you Colleen! It really helps to know that the pain of it will lessen in time.

Did you all see that old movie "Major Payne", well I did something yesterday that took my mind off the pain in my heart, and moved to the pain in my toe!! I was putting in the new aluminum SLOW DOWN sign into it's frame on the garage floor, and when I went to set it down, I dropped it.... right across my right big toe!! Wow, I could really have done without that!! I am insulin dependent diabetic, and normally am so careful of my feet. Don't know how much the sign weighs, but I can tell you it HURT!! Geezz....

Here is a picture of the new sign, the 2nd one, still to install. I think I am going to paint the treated 4X4's bright yellow. Maybe I can do that without further injury!!

[Jeff's Mom]

YIKES, Becky! That had to hurt. Hope the toe is better today. Dee, how is your cold? Just a quick message to say I am thinking of all of you today. It is a lovely day here. Sunny and what I would call a true autumn temp. The leaves are starting to change to lovely shades of golds and oranges. The geese are flocking and it is getting quite noisy as they fly over the house. We still have had so little rain that we no longer listen to the weather forecast. With all of the equipment that they have these days they still appear to get it wrong. I prefer to look at the sky. Off to the hospital shortly for blood work and picc flush, Then off to do something enjoyable. Love to all. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Oh Becky, OW OW OW! That has to hurt! The new sign looks great but also heavy! Hoping your toe is less painful today.

Kate,

It sounds like a beautiful day for you. Not much change in the leaves here yet, just a little yellow here and there and not much rain either.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I meant to put this at the end of the quote and forgot.

Entering the Healing Ground: Grief, Ritual and the Soul of the World by Francis Weller

I haven't gotten too far into it yet but it was recommended by a friend who lost his Son, Mom, and Sister very close together. He said this book really helped him. So far a lot of what I've read really touches me and I love the language of the book.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda, Thinking of you today as well.

And Gretchen, Lora, Susan, and everyone.

Sending love to all.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

I feel my heart get heavier as i read about your discussion of the changes of the season, i dread the changes, I love fall and Lane loved Halloween, decorating the house with wooden caskets, scary lights and fog machines. He had big ideal this year, we caught all the end of season sales to make our home "the best on the block"

and now what?

"It is like a roller coaster. I won't say that any days are up yet but I do have days were I can think more of good memories, feel my connection to Tris, and almost find just a little bit of peace. Then the days were it all comes crashing down again. My mind goes in circles. I think I've come to terms with one thing and then it's back in my head and I have to try to process it, and work through it again. . The last few days were very angry, sad days.

I miss her so much."

The roller coaster of emotion is crazy, i so agree with you, although no up but deeper and deeper down. and such heavy sadness and darkness.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I talked of the same feeling not too long ago... the change of the seasons, the first day of school... Wondering how time can move forward without Trista. I think we all know that feeling. It just doesn't make any sense. Susan posted this poem before and I am reposting because it really hit on so many of these feelings. Thinking of you and Lane.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

Yes... I identified with that part as well. I have it highlighted because it touched me so much. I'm holding you and Jesse in my thoughts during this time.

"time out of time"... yes this is where I am too.

Prayers of comfort for you.

Shannon

[lorismom]

Hi All ~

It has been a very long time since I've posted. I do read your heartfelt messages most days and find comfort and strength in your words. I lost my daughter, Lori, in a car accident on May 3, 2004. She was 34 years old, my only child, and best friend in this life. It has been a little over 9 years now since I last saw her, but I feel I'm also 9 years closer to seeing her again. I remember a few on here: Dee, Sherry, Carol and Kathy--hello dear ladies! So many that are now new to this journey. One thing that I found that really helped was to write in a journal. I started writing a few days after Lori died. It was a way to continue "talking" to her and just let all the emotions come out in this little book that I still have and occasionally write in today.

I will try to write more later. Be loving and gentle with yourselves.

Pat

[Marylou Mader]

I just came onboard, I lost my 39 year old son Trevor to a drug overdose November 17, 2012. This has been a very difficult journey and I'm hoping to share with others... As the 1st anniversary approaches, I find myself falling into depression more often.

Marylou

[daveydow1]

Marylou-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. I hope that

you will come back to this site and read/post whenever you can.

I found this site after my son, David died in 2003, and would

read the posts, but somehow couldn't post for almost a year.

I found this site, BI, (formerly called BEYOND INDIGO), and it has been a

lifeline for me.....especially in those early years. Peace to you.

Lorismom....Pat-----so nice to see your sweet Lori's smile. I think

that it is a good idea to keep a journal, and as you say, it gives

us the opportunity to stay close to our beloved children through

the writing down of heartfelt words. I liked what you said that you

are now closer to seeing her again. The road of grief is rough.....

to be sure.....but with the passing of time, we are all getting closer

to seeing our kids again.

Kate-----Oh,.....those flocks of geese flying overhead sure do

tell us of what's to come.....cold weather. Time to hunt up some good

books, find a nice little hobby/project for winter, take your fav

cozy sweater out of storage,and also stock up on tea. and coffee.

Shannon-----I agree.....in the early days/weeks/months on this

journey, the 'ups' are just not there. Our minds just won't let

us think of upbeat things because we are so immersed in sorrow.

But,....perhaps....little by little, we can somehow think of 'good thoughts'

with our memories. I, too, would get so upset and angry whenever I

would think of David's struggles with jobs etc. or if someone was

unkind to him. Our darlings are happy now, and have no more sadness

or trouble. We will always miss them, of course, and if we're lucky

enough to have a little dream or 'sign' now & then, we can go on as

they would want us to do.

Laurie-----The churchyard where Jesse is buried sounds so peaceful

and with the river running nearby.....just so serene.

p.s. No more snakes---thank goodness!

Dee-----Nope!! I don't think that you are a bad mom.....no way! I

dare say that there isn't anyone who has not made mistakes that

they regret making in their lives.....escpecially when they were younger...

myself included. ( I've made pleanty). There are periods in our lives when things just do

not go too well, and we have decisions to make. We try our best and

deal with the fallout of unwise decisions. We just keep trying, and

learn a lot along the way.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Mary Lou and Pat, so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you felt comfortable in coming here to talk about your child. I lost my son Jeff at Christmas time in 2009. I briefly checked into the site and then left. I had other family members that needed attention due to ill health. After a period I crashed and found myself experiencing full grief in the loss of my son. You are most welcome here to discuss your feelings without criticism or feeling a need to cover the truth. We on this site have all walked the walk. We need to vent openly about our hurt as it comes. I hope that you will feel comfortable in talking about your child and openly about the way you feel. Sending you both warm wishes and a sincere wish for peace again in your life. Sherry, oh how I wish I could figure out this computer. I can't do paragraphs or punctuation. it is driving me nuts. Yes, it is finally starting to feel like autumn. And I have indeed started to think along the lines of comforting things to stock up on. I do indeed love the fall crisp days and beautiful colours of the changing leaves. Yet, sadly I know what is coming. Wishing you all a good night. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I can't do paragraphs or punctuation. it is driving me nuts.

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Okay, the old techie in me is coming out...had to check this bug out and read that it may be due to the internet browsers..it seems like this Forum software had some issues with making paragraphs with certain browsers...

Some claimed by using Firefox it resolved this issue...I am using Internet Explorer 9 and it seems like the editor does okay

Here is the link for latest firefox browser if you want to see if the editor would work...

http://www.mozilla.o...US/firefox/new/

Otherwise you might see if Internet Explorer 10 works...

Okay, I will be quiet now...I must resign that old techie hat...but I thought I would give it a try...

Hope the hospital treatment went well for Ross....

I am drinking my hot tea tonight in my very air conditioned room...and reading the book Shannon mentioned...

The tea is very good, by Celestrial Seasonings, Sleepytime Echinacea Complete Care...

Dee, think the tea may work for your cold...maybe you could chill it...also, you were the best mom to your beloved Eri...this is so evident by the caring beautiful words you write about her...for those of us who are new to this grief, your love for her has helped pave the path for us...remember this...

Wishing sweet dreams of our loved ones and a quiet restful night...

Prayers for all of us tonight....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Marylou,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Trevor. You have found a good place. There are many who understand and will share this journey with you. This is a very hard road.

Pat,

I am one of the newer ones here. I think the journaling idea is very good. I've recently started to do that.

Sherry,

Thank you so much for your continued encouragement and sharing that you too experienced all these feelings. Just knowing I'm not alone is so important.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I met with the two sisters who live in our old house. One of them is the one who stayed with my Tris after the accident. The other is the one who held me when I got there. There's just so much to process but I felt such a connection to these women. Such beautiful Spirits. They are both probably 70ish. Retired teachers. Tris did not suffer. This soothed my heart. We spent more of the time talking of Trista's life than of her passing. They wanted to see pictures and asked questions... Really wanted to know her. They both told me they have felt such a connection to her and really feel her presence in their lives. The conversation started off as a dance. Each of us saying just a little, testing the others a bit... not knowing what their thoughts might be. They do not believe in coincidence either. I've never used this term before but I honestly can say they were "kindred spirits". For the millionth time I heard the word "Old Soul" used to discribe My Girl. I sometimes feel like Tris is guiding me, pushing me forward... Giving me just one small peice of the puzzle at a time. I still have no idea what the big picture is but I'm so glad to have this piece.

Zak came to talk with me afterward. He wanted to know how it went. I told him most of it. Zak struggles with his concept of Spirituality. I never push. He's only 14 and these are things he needs to "know" for himself. I talk to him about my beliefs and awarenesses but never tell him they should be his. I just tell him that his ideas, thoughts, and beliefs will change over and over and that it's okay to just say "I don't know". We talked a lot and then he told me how one night recently he was just sitting in his room and suddenly there was a really stong smell of salt and vinegar chips. He said, "Mom, I don't eat salt and vinegar chips since Trista died. They were "our thing". So asked him what he made of it. He said, "I don't know but if Tris wanted to let me know she was here she would probably pick salt and vinegar chips. Do you know how many times she made me walk to the store to buy her some?"

I'm sorry If I've rambled on tonight. So much in my head.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

2themoon...we all can see a lot of 'Mama Love' wrapped around that SONshine boy and daughter...and guess what...?? You are the one who created it all....

I wish there was some way to make this journey easy....there is no going around it or under it...or trying to bypass it.....no side stepping....the only way is through it. He will hold you...He will not let you go.

I was looking back at some of the writings, sometimes i miss stuff, i wish i did not have this journey at all, actually i hate that i have to do it at all. I was sitting in the counselors office today, so overcome with what i have lost, and how i hate hate having to do this. I don't know how to stop, the pain, or the tears, i ache so bad to just hold my kid again. My emotions are overflowing most of the time, As night time comes, i don't want to sleep, cause i have to wake up and feel this pain all over again, wake up and start the day with " My Laney is dead" and i hate it. and i feel no one is holding me, my faith is so incredibly tested right now, that i have very little belief in any God. I believe i am walking this journey along, with my daughter, and that's it.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

My boys are both so young so it's not like their grief is at all the same as mine. This place has kept me going. It's the only place I feel understood right now. Sometimes I post so much I feel like I dominate the conversation but everyone has been nothing but supportive. I'm so sorry you are on this journey. None of us should ever have to be here and we all know these feelings so well. You, Lane, and Lindsay have all been in my thoughts. I'm sending you so much love and prayers of comfort. Please keep posting and let us know all that you're feeling. We are all holding your hand. I know how hard this is.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

Shannon i was thinking about you today also, wondering how your meeting went with the lady who held your Trista. I hope you found some comfort.

I don't think i can do that. I am aware of "who" held Lane, they wanted to make sure i knew he was not alone, but the RCMP said it was instant.

He was hit very hard drivers side, didn't even see it coming, which is probably a blessing.

I just get so overwhelmed with the whole thing.

My life is totally not my own anymore, i cant think straight, i cant make any plans, and i have i bet 15 books on grief, and loss of a child, and i look for sorrow in peoples faces wondering it they have lost a child. I feel like i am losing my mind.

I don't have any regrets on how i raised my boy we were , i just wasn't ready to let him go, we had so much more to see and do, we were getting our cars washed and detailed on Aug 11, we were going to Disneyland Aug 26, we were going to a football game this Saturday...

and all that gone in an instant....and here i sit bawling....

[ericasmom]

WE had open house tonight at school so I am going to bed but want to scold Shannon, (not really) but really, you never have to feel you should not let your words fill the page, we love it when we can let a lot out at one time, it is the way to the next puzzle piece, it is the way through this long dark tunnel, so keep posting your posts, I read them each and can feel the hope in your words. And on days when you are feeling less than that, post even more, it is through this place that we find some of our next steps.

Thanks Sherry and Laurie, I just sometimes wish I could change time and not have had a bad boyfriend in the lives of my children, but I did. YEs, I do know that Eri knows how much I love her and I sure am glad of that.

Mary Lou, I am sorry, so sorry for the loss of Trevor. How sad and how tragic, I am glad you found us. WE are here, just tell us what you can about your life and Trevor's life when you are able. Keep reading and posting until you can actually feel the sense of being joined by everyone here, we do get it.

Pat, I remember you, your Daughter. Glad to see you again, fill us in on where you have traveled in your grief journey and how you are doing now?

Wanda, the physical pain and emotional pain are insurmountable at times, just hold on to us...in many ways we are alone in our absolute grief, nobody quite feels what we do each day, but you are in a room of those who absolutely get it, who have also screamed, punched walls, lain on the floor sobbing, so many of us have fallen apart and melted down. We are still here however.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Dee.

I understand wishing you had made different choice. I don't know if I will ever stop wishing that but can take comfort in knowing that our children know how much we love them. You have been such a light through this tunnel. We are struggling alone step by step and then we come here and someone shows up with a light. They may not have found there way out but have found a tool to help them see just a little more clearly to the next step and are willing to double back and help the ones who have not found any tools yet.

Wanda,

Thank you for thinking of me. I'm so glad I did this. I did find just a little comfort. If you are not ready to talk to the person who held your Lane now or ever that is okay. Just take it day by day... minute by minute. I could NOT have done what I did tonight a few weeks ago. Not even a few days ago when she first approached me. I just politely thanked her and walked away because I knew I was about to breakdown. At the hospital, after Trista's accident, when the doctor came in to explain things... I listened for about 2 seconds before I screamed at him to stop and fell to my knees. I knew all I needed to know at that time and that's that my Tris was gone. My mind could not handle anymore. I'm so glad you have no regrets. Lane's smile in his photo shows his happiness. We are all in different places on the timeline, different backgrounds, different circumstances surrounding our loss, but we ALL know this pain and are brought together in the absolute, unconditional love of our Children. Please know you are in my thoughts. As Dee said, you are with people who get it.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have been reading posts....

My daughter and GRANDdaughter went to Port Aransas last week-end.....we were between Rockport and Aransas Pass when we saw a truck off the road and a man in the grass and 3 people standing around him...my daughter stopped on the side of the road and jumped out of our car to see what had happened....the man was blue...not breathing...no pulse....she started CPR...I stayed back at our car with Pebbie...then another car stopped and people got out...finally the man took a breath and then vomited some orange foamy stuff....Ran put him on his side...he started breathing....a man then took over CPR....Ran felt a pulse...his color was getting better....finally the Sheriff's car showed up.....then the EMS....the guy that was driving the truck told Randa that he had just picked the guy up from his sister's house and was taking him to Corpus for his first check..he had just got out of prison....and he did know he had taken drugs....Ran told him to find out what drugs and that could help them help him.....this was a young man in his late 20's...Spanish. They loaded him in the ambulance and then we left.....Ran forgot to get his name....so all this time she has been calling several places to find out if he lived or died.....she finally contacted a person last night that said he did live...and was being treated.

One can be at the wrong place at the wrong time....we were at the right place at the right time. She is a nurse....but took herself off the schedule sometime ago.....it was getting too much for her to deal with John David passing....and all that goes with her work....and facing Austin going off to college. She has always had a healing aura. She got her degree from University of Hawaii in Journalism....then 6 years ago...she decided she wanted to be a nurse.

We were going to Port Aransas for some time away....and for some healing from the salt breezes.....a month before we were there to release his ashes.....we had so many people around us....we just wanted some time apart and to let it all soak in.

We went to Virginia's ....and sat upstairs that looks out over the bay....and could see the Lydia Ann lighthouse....I used that landmark to stop the boat to release his ashes. We talked about how surreal it all seems...that he is not with us. We went swimming...shopping...met people from England...and other Texans...our favorite restaurant ...and our favorite places for music on Friday and Saturday night.

I gave the book to Pebbie and we talked about how much he loved her...and always would...and how I thought our loved ones were just a 'thought away'....and love never, never dies....it simply grows and grows.

'If time were not a moving thing and I could make it stay'.....

Today marks the tragic 9/11....saying many prayers for understanding...consolation...and to seek a Faith beyond my human hand grasp.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, it would seem to be providence that your daughter, Randa, of all people, would be there at this time for this young man….hopefully he will realize that God gave him another chance to live life right…and I too, do not believe in coincidence…

Your daughter is a true hero, and I am so moved to my core that there are people in the world like her…I take great comfort in people who act with humanity and compassion to others…may you let her know, that especially for moms of accident victims, that she did a truly beautiful act…

And it is surreal that our children are now in a heavenly realm but still so close, hearing us, helping us....

...may the salty waters of the sea be a balm to your soul...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I agree with everything Laurie said and could not have found better words. What a truly beautiful story. Your daughter is a true hero and I hope this helps her heart as well. I think sometimes a deep healing can be found in being able to reach out and help others.

It's kind of a day of reflection for me... 9/11... I think back to that day and say prayers for all those lost and so deeply affected. I think back to that day for me. I picked Trista up early from school. I couldn't stand to have her apart from me on that day. Zak was just two and still at home. I just held them close.

A lot of frustration with the Prosecutors and the State Patrol...

Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you for the kind words for Randa....after all that has been written on this site...there I was on the side of the road...wondering if some Mama out there would wonder if anyone came to be by her son's side ? I also prayed to John David to be with his sister.....and once again....back in the same place....this has been the year of 'Unanswered questions...and answered prayers'....and the year of 'Many Hard First Times'.....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon i was thinking about you today also, wondering how your meeting went with the lady who held your Trista. I hope you found some comfort.

I don't think i can do that. I am aware of "who" held Lane, they wanted to make sure i knew he was not alone, but the RCMP said it as instant.

Wanda...it took me quite a while to talk to the lady who stopped for my son...I know there was also a young man...but I just talked to her last week...it has taken me almost eleven months...

In the end I was comforted in knowing...but for me it took awhile... you might consider just getting the name of the person and hang onto it if you change your mind...

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Mary Lou, This group of people on this forum have helped me so much...their caring words, and willingness to hold your hand...

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Pat, Thanks for stopping back and sharing about your daughter...I too would like to know how your grief journey has been...do you mind sharing???

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[lovU2themoon]

Wanda...it took me quite a while to talk to the lady who stopped for my son...I know there was also a young man...but I just talked to her last week...it has taken me almost eleven months...

In the end I was comforted in knowing...but for me it took awhile... you might consider just getting the name of the person and hang onto it if you change your mind...

I actually don't think i will talk to them, my son was killed instantly, he was gone right away, i know that he did not suffer or know what happened, all marks were on the left side, no marks on the right side of his face, so he was looking straight ahead, never saw the truck, only a small bruise on his left temple. He looked like he was asleep. I hope its ok to talk about this. I hope i am not upsetting anyone. I was very scared of how he would look. after the accident.

Today i am feeling very bad for him, so sad that he had to die, that his life was cut so short. I cant stop crying, i have taken more ativan today then i have since his service. I am a mess. again.....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I actually don't think i will talk to them, my son was killed instantly, he was gone right away, i know that he did not suffer or know what happened, all marks were on the left side, no marks on the right side of his face, so he was looking straight ahead, never saw the truck, only a small bruise on his left temple. He looked like he was asleep. I hope its ok to talk about this. I hope i am not upsetting anyone. I was very scared of how he would look. after the accident.

Today i am feeling very bad for him, so sad that he had to die, that his life was cut so short. I cant stop crying, i have taken more ativan today then i have since his service. I am a mess. again.....

It is okay to share the specifics of how your son died...there were some posts on this a while back...I believe this is part of the journey...a very hard part that needs to be processed.....

Prayers to you...may you feel Lane's sweet presence close to you...

[Newbie17]

Hello again,

I have been reading posts along the way and someone suggested the book "touching heaven" , the book was so touching but also hit me so hard for grieving with my son. It has only been April of this year since I lost him to cystic fibrosis. So many of the stories was close to home for me, the pain of missing him is breaking my heart. He really had a very difficult battle with the disease and unlike the book where all the cf teens got to hang out together, they are not allowed to socialize together anymore. My son had very aggressive strains of resistant bugs that kept him so isolated in which just made it even more painful. But I loved hearing how some of the kids actually saw or heard from angels just before passing. My son was in a deep sleep for most of the time before passing but woke up long enough to tell me he loved me but could not continue on in this life....and passed on peacefully. I am a single mom with all my family in mn., it is a very hard to go on alone sometimes. I plan to move back after this school year. I just did not have the energy to make that major move right now. Please pray for me. I know my three kids are reason enough to go on. But at times I would give anything to see my son again.

Jena

[lovU2themoon]

Hi Jena i can't offer much as my grief is so new, except i understand your line "I know my three kids are reason enough to go on. But at times I would give anything to see my son again"

If it wasn't for my daughter, i am not sure i would be able to resist the feeling to be with my son, the pain is so deep and so bad and all i want to do is hold my boy and touch is hair, kiss his forehead and stop this pain in my heart. But like you, i have someone here on earth who needs me to be strong, to be here for her, as your children need you, so i come to this site, read post, and try to navigate my way thru this painful heartbreaking journey. one second, one minute at a time, and I hold my daughter close.

[Jeff's Mom]

Jena, thinking of you tonight and holding you close. I will of course keep your family in my prayers. I would also ask everyone to please pray for my husband. He had another round of chemo today... but it went very badly. He went into a severe allergic reaction to the drugs and his throat and tongue became so swollen that he could not breathe. I was sure he was not going to make it. He is in the hospital tonight after hours of pumping more meds into him. Surely this can't be happening. Stay strong everyone. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

Thinking of you and your husband and sending prayers. I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Jena,

I am on my own too with my family living away from me. It's just me and my boys so I understand. I also understand the feeling both you and Wanda shared of wanting so much to be with your children who have left. I feel the same. My boys give me the drive to keep putting one foot in front of the other but I so want to hold my Girl. Many have described it as having a foot in two worlds. Wanting and needing to be here for the family still here and wanting so much to be with your Child who has passed. Keep coming here and sharing or reading as you're able.

Shannon

[Davids' Mom]

Hi all, I'm new to the group. Lost my son Aug.21,13 to pancreatic cancer, We found out on Sat and he was gone on Wed. Such a shock !! Don't know what else to say at this time, trying to deal with the loss. He was 57 and a loving grandpa and dad, loved his family so much.I guess it's normal to stop going to Church at the moment, having a hard time dealing with all this.. Donna

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Donna, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son....come back and share as you can...

Kate, you and Ross are in my prayers...

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May I lift those up here before the Father...to be held as a child again by the Spirit...and to know the deep love the Son has for us...for all eternity...

May His sweet angels be close today...

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Yesterday, 9-11-2013, the twelfth anniversary of the horrible events at the World Trade Center in NY, and the Pentagon, and in a field in PA, were hard enough for me to relive, as my husband was deployed just three days after those events, and was gone for 16 months. My baby boy, Jared, was only 5 at that time, and our biggest worry was that Dad would be safe. Little did we know that only ten years later, we would lose our boy at the tender age of 15.

In the mail, yesterday, I received a letter from the Dept of Justice, stating that they did not have reason by way of facts, testimony, or circumstance to bring any charge against the driver. A brief, one paragraph declaration, that ends a battle for truth and justice that my family and I have been fighting for almost two years.

When that letter came yesterday, it left me screaming at the top of my lungs, and crying til I threw up!! I don't know what else to do. I feel like I have let my son down, by not being able to put this truth out there for the world to see! If I do, I have been advised that I will be sued!! Please pray for me and my family.

I am so sorry for all the new parents that are here, I wish you didn't have to be.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...first...you have not let your son down....in fact...when you look back...you have no regrets...for you turned over every stone in the road....now....this is not over....for we see the signs you have made...right now...you are suffering another layer of your grief....for the outcome of all the investigation did not show the truth. Please be patient....I 'sorta think' that this woman will create another scenario which may get her 'looked over' again. For she will continue to do what she has done before because no one has caught her. Her actions do prove that there is something unnatural going on with her....drinking or drugging....mental issues.

You will find other avenues to 'honor' and recognize that SONshine boy....right now...just do what your broken heart leads you to do....we will cry and mourn with you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...we are all holding you and your husband up with prayers....lifting you higher with our spirits of friendship, care and concern.

[lorismom]

Dee, Sherry, Kate, Shannon, Laurie........Thank you for your warm welcome. I remember coming here to read in those first few months after losing Lori and later joining to share with other grieving parents. As others have said, I think our children have guided us to this site. Nine years have now passed and I feel that I'm in a much better place on this grief journey. The first few years were very rough with the added stress of moving 3 times. My husband and I now live in a lovely neighborhood after buying some land by a lake and building a new home. I feel content here.

I think someone here mentioned herbal teas and it reminded me of the last time Lori came to visit. She brought a couple boxes of her favorite Celestial Seasonings and forgot to take them with her when she left. I still have those 2 boxes and keep them on my cupboard shelf in the kitchen as a reminder of the last time I shared good times with my daughter. Lori and I loved herbal tea and one that we enjoyed was "Sleeptime". I have a cup of it daily!

To those who are so new to this journey, try to be as gentle with yourself as possible. It's a grief that is like no other, but one day, it will not feel so intense. You will find joy again and even laughter. It just takes a long time to find our footing again.

Peace to all,

Pat

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for their prayers. He is now home and back in bed. It has been a very stressful time. As to the comments about attending church. I too have drawn away. I am more spiritual than religious. My faith is very strong and I know I have to put my absolute trust and faith in God. What will be will be. Thinking of everyone today and holding you all close. kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Pat....thank you for sharing....and for being ahead on the path of this grief journey....with a lantern in your hand....waving to us...waving us on....but you letting us know...it is a hard..tear stained...on your knees..kind of journey....

Kate....I hope you can feel the 'hug' I am sending through my screen to you....many of us are more of a spiritual than religious...it comes from the struggle to look beyond and over....please tell your husband he has a lot of 'ladies' that are thinking and praying for him....and we know his 'Best Girlfriend' is taking very good care of him....xoxoxoxo

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda...sending out prayers...