Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

"You will either get Better or Bitter, it is YOUR choice" I have had this said to me and over the past several weeks have seen it written in different places. Is it true? I have a job that requires that I be competent, compassionate and very involved with people, hurting people. I have a husband that I have been married to for 38 years who is in the grips of a disease that doesn't allow him to be able to comfort me. My youngest daughter, and my sister have pulled away and told me that they cannot grieve with me, that they have their own lives and families they are busy with and that we can't grieve together. The two people that I believed would be by my side and I theirs forever. I have two little granddaughters who are the love of my life who make me laugh, but also need lots of love, comfort and reassurance when they miss Mama which is very often. Am I Bitter because all of this hurts so much? It has been a year and a half since Sarah left us, am I Bitter because the pain is still so raw? Am I Bitter because my daughter lays in a grave without a stone or anything that says her body is there? Has she been forgotten so soon? Am I Bitter because after all of the caring is done, I still cry, alone every night. It feels like pain to me..... but maybe I am fooling myself, and I really am Bitter. Sandy

Sandy, I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. As to your question? Only you know the answer to that. What would Sarah want for you? if it were you... what would you want for Sarah? We all know how hard this is to get through. Stay strong... you can do this. Kate

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I do understand the thinking; our lives are our choice, but the choice in your life has been taken away on so many levels that I know I might be bitter but I also do know that over time, it will get softer. You are dealing with multiple kinds of loss however. The biggest one is the loss of Sarah, so sweet a Girl, a mother. WIth her leaving,and her husband has pulled away and you see the girls less, you have no rights to put a stone at your sweet Daughter's grave...your younger Daughter has pulled far away as well as your own sister, and your husband's illness makes him less and less himself and yet you care-take day in and day out and even in your job. If I could, I would hold you in my arms and rock you like a child because I would think that that would feel good after so much hurt.

I think of you very often and I send prayers and hope your way. Life can be so hard sometimes but oh my, you have had enough of this, it is time for some good news in your world.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It’s been a long day. Aiden kept me very busy today. I’m pretty sure we read The Very Hungry Caterpillar at least 100 times and acted it out as well. He’s finally playing quietly and not insisting that I play too so I made a cup of chai and am trying to rest a little. I thought for sure, without a nap today, he would be sleepy by now. Now such luck. I am trying so hard to be fully present in my time with Aiden. I am able to do that a little more. During a rare moment to myself today, I was standing on the deck with a cup of coffee, thinking of my Girl and my little hummingbird came whizzing up right beside my head. He came so close I could feel the breeze and hear the sounds of his little wings. It made me and him jump. I thought, “Good Morning, Beautiful Girl.” It would be just like Tris to do that. She loved to sneak up behind me and make me jump.

Wanda,

I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting a couple months ago. It wasn’t as bad as your experience. There were maybe 12 or so people there. It lasts an hour and with that many people it seemed like any discussion is just getting started and then it’s time to go and there is only a meeting once a month. I was going to go back to at least give it a few meetings before I decided if it would be helpful or not but now it’s very hard to go. It is late in the evening and over half an hour away. No way I can leave my boys at that time of night and be that far away. This is the place I feel the most support. I do understand trying to find some people near you though. I know how it is to feel so alone.

Kate,

“I turned back and walked down the path a bit and then looked up at the sky and yelled as loud as I could. "Jeff, where are you?" My pain seemed beyond bearable.”

I do this. I can’t scream the way I want to… the way I screaming on the inside. So, late at night I walk outside, look up at the stars and ask that same question… Trista where are you? Sometimes over and over. I miss her so so much. I guess, even though I’m feeling so alone here with the boys, many have felt that way when their friends and family just don’t get it or can’t be there for them for whatever reasons. Even though we have different circumstances, I know you understand grieving for your child in the midst of other family issues that need your attention. Thank you for sharing and for your kind supportive words. I’m thinking of you and praying for good results for your husband’s tests.

Dee,

“I think what folks in your situation lack is that time to let yourself have a meltdown. You always have to be there for the kids, a good thing, but it also is a hard thing because you can't let it all out when you need to.”

Yes, I do feel that. I do have to hold it in and sometimes I feel like I do that to a point where I just breakdown. It’s so hard. I’m glad I have this place and all of you. I wrote that all out last night through my tears but somehow I felt a little better getting it out. I tend to always defend others by saying they are fighting their own demons, they don’t know what they have done, and that’s all true but to have a place where I can say I’m mad, I’m hurt, and I don’t deserve this, helps so much. You’re right, having to be there for the kids is a good thing too. They do give me strength and motivation. Thank you for all your encouragement when I feel I’m completely losing it.

Laurie,

Thank you for reaching out to me through your own pain. Just reading your words last night before I went to bed helped. It was a rough day.

“....sometimes I wonder...as I said before I do not believe in coincidence...I am so thankful that I have had the wonderful group of people here that have helped me...it would be so difficult for many of us right now to really find any one who understands this walk of grief and what it truly means...”

This is why this place and all of you have been my lifeline. I do feel like I have no one. I’m physically alone but I also know that right now, even if I were surrounded by people, I would probably “feel” alone. I have tried hard to make some connections now just so I feel a little stronger in my surroundings but that is hard. This is not a time where I feel at all capable to “make new friends”. But I have. Here.

Lora,

“I really thought at the beginning of my journey that I was going crazy”

Thank you for sharing that. That is how I feel most of the time. I’m sure that had to be hard to see those memories. The holidays aren’t even here yet and the thought of opening those boxes already brings tears to my eyes. I had Trista’s ipad engraved too. It says Trista Mae You Are Beautiful.

Sandy,

It does not sound like bitterness to me. It sounds like pain.

Thinking of everyone toninght.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Sherry, Dee, and Lora for the kind words on the recent posts...

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There are many voices on this forum, which is the strength of connecting to one another in the midst of profound pain and sadness....in honor of our children...may we find comfort in knowing they look over us still...

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening....

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecc. 4:12

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Here is the video I made of Trista. I know for some it’s hard to watch the vidoes and that’s okay. I understand. I just needed to share it. I’m not very smart technologically speaking so I’m glad the program I used was pretty basic. These things help me. When I’m up late at night after the boys go to bed, to be able to work with her pictures and videos helps me connect. I miss her terribly and for that time I feel her. I used the Carol King song Dee posted. Thank you for sharing that song.

I thought this song was perfect for the video I made for Trista because it spoke to me so much about who Trista was while she was here but it also spoke to me of how she touches me and others even now, in her new life.

As a little girl Tris was full of magic. She loved art, she was forever writing poems or making up songs. She started leaving her mark on the world at a very young age, literally. She wrote her name on everything including walls. Instead of making her stop, I bought her chalk to do this so I wouldn’t have to repaint the whole house if we moved. Now I wish I’d given her a sharpie or some spray paint.

She saw the world in a new and different way. She was a breath of fresh air, my rainbow child. She chose to be colorful. She didn’t care if her clothes “matched”. She wore what made her feel good. At ten years old she asked if she could dye her hair orange. I told her to wait until she was 13. By then her color of choice was blue. She was beautiful. She went through a Punky Brewster stage and dressed just like her complete with leg warmers and a bandana around one leg. She was perfect.

She always said flowers were the Earth laughing. I love the way she looked at things. She was full of love but she was always a fighter too. After spending a day talking with Trista’s friends and family to get more of an idea of who Trista was, The pastor spoke of her at her services. He said, “In this world there are truth seekers and there are justice seekers. Trista was a justice seeker because in her heart she already knew her truth”.

Tris always stuck up for kids who were treated badly, picked on, or bullied. When she was 11 years old and discovered the horrors of the treatment of animals by places like big food companies and puppy mills she became a vegetarian. I remember one morning I opened my bathroom cupboard to get ready for the day and discovered almost all of my cosmetics labeled in red Sharpie marker: TESTED ON ANIMALS! DO NOT USE!. I explained to her that I really could not afford to throw it all out and replace it but I did promise her that when it was used up I would replace it with an animal friendly product.

Trista was fiercely protective of those she loved. All her friends say it was very hard to get Tris to “let you in” but once she did you were hers for life. Someone joked once that Tris liked animals better than people. Her response was, “No, I like people just fine, love them even. I just can’t relate to most of them”. I understood her completely.

Trista loved big though. She was a person who took the world’s problems on herself, in big broad ways and in small ways. She was always there when someone needed her but was never above telling you what you should be doing and how you should be doing it if she thought you were causing harm to yourself or others even inadvertently.

When I heard this song I not only thought not only of the way Trista lived her life here but of the way she is touching me in her new life. I don’t feel like she’s ever very far away and sometimes I can touch upon all her new colors and wonders. I can still feel her magic.

I love you so very much, Trista Mae. You ARE Beautiful.

Thinking of everyone today and wishing a peaceful day for all.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I can feel...taste...smell....the Mama Love coming from you through the screen...for some reason yesterday and today have been 'very low' for me...tears just slide down my face so slow...coming from some deep recess...off and on.....so....I cannot watch the video today...but I promise I will. I know you put the love you both shared ...between Mama and Baby girl...in every scene....take care.

[lovU2themoon]

Shannon, i am speechless over how you describe your daughter, and the love you have and all you shared, she sounds amazing and fun and free.

This is such a huge loss when they are such big parts of our lives.

Lane was my son, my friend, it was the two of us for so long, that the space and hole he left in my heart is huge.

Not to mention the silence in my house.

I cant watch the video's, it seems to be more difficult as the days go by, at first i couldn't get enough of Lanes voice or pictures of things he did on his computer, but now i get so incredibly sad when i listen or look at pictures.

I am not sure what everyone's beliefs are, but i have been questioning Gods will, and if this was my son's fate? Do some of you think it was our children destiny to not be on this earth for a long time? That they lived in their short lives more than some live in a lifetime? Lane had done things 2 and 3 days before he died, he never did, he went to visit a few old school buddies, he went to my sisters house on his own, he met me at my work, and we went to see a memorial butterfly the hospital has on the wall for my dad, something we had not done in years. He had given my mom 2 huge hugs the last time he was her. I just question not that he knew he was going to die, but almost the universe shifted and he had to "finish" some things.

Although, we were suppose to go to Disneyland two weeks after he died, and had lots of unfinished business here, and i was not done with him.

or maybe that doesn't matter.

I am just trying to find a reason why someone so loved, so cared about had to die so young.

and why we have to hurt and ache so bad at the loss. i miss him so much...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

Many of us have had these same questions and feelings. I don't have much time right now but yes, I did "feel" something and I believe Trista did too. Even if she didn't consciously know... Maybe more of a shift or pull by the Universe... I will write more later but Yes. I do believe this. Even if I can't explain it.

Susan,

Thank you. I understand about watching the video. I have had a lot of tears the past few days too. You are in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...for some reason yesterday and today have been 'very low' for me...tears just slide down my face so slow...coming from some deep recess...off and on.....

I too have been in that "low" place...I have been working on Jesse's memorial garden at his home....the ceramic hearts arrived today...hopefully his angel arrives soon...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am not sure what everyone's beliefs are, but i have been questioning Gods will, and if this was my son's fate? Do some of you think it was our children destiny to not be on this earth for a long time? That they lived in their short lives more than some live in a lifetime? Lane had done things 2 and 3 days before he died, he never did, he went to visit a few old school buddies, he went to my sisters house on his own, he met me at my work, and we went to see a memorial butterfly the hospital has on the wall for my dad, something we had not done in years. He had given my mom 2 huge hugs the last time he was her. I just question not that he knew he was going to die, but almost the universe shifted and he had to "finish" some things.
Although, we were suppose to go to Disneyland two weeks after he died, and had lots of unfinished business here, and i was not done with him. or maybe that doesn't matter. I am just trying to find a reason why someone so loved, so cared about had to die so young.
and why we have to hurt and ache so bad at the loss. i miss him so much...

I also read a book called To Heaven After the Storm by Ari Hallmark that touched on this...

For me the unanswered question of "Why" is one of the biggest struggles I have...

Please keep sharing about your son, Lane...we are here for you..

[daveydow1]

Shannon----Just saw your video in memory of your dear sweet Trista.

It's just LOVELY ....you did such a nice job with it.

Laurie-----Thanks so much for the comforting pic and Bible verse.

Sandy----So sorry that your are in that 'black hole' place right now.

Wishing you peace, friend.

Dee------My husband picked a lg. basket of decorative gourds

that he planted, as they are to be picked before the first frost.

There are large, medium, and small ones. We've been giving

them to friends & family to use with fall decoration settings.

Pumpkins are ready too. Grandies will come & pick out their

favorites for Halloween.

TAKE CARE , ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It's been a busy day. I'm trying to get some things together for Aiden's birthday tomorrow and his party on Saturday. The things that use to be so easy are now so hard. I always loved planning the kids parties. It's not that I don't want to celebrate Aiden's birthday. I do. I just wish we could postpone it. Planning anything without Tris seems so wrong. I hate it.

Laurie,

I'm thinking of you. I know it's going to be so hard as Jesse's Angel Date approaches. I can't say I understand because I haven't been there yet but I can only imagine and I've seen how difficult it has been for others here. Just know I'm holding you in my heart and sending lots of prayers for peace and comfort. I'm sure the garden is going to be beautiful.

Sherry, Thank you for your thoughts on my video.

Wanda,

If you can look back through the posts, a few of us have had feelings of a "knowing" surrounding our children leaving. The website Laurie posted, she had shared earlier too when I had a lot of the same questions and I have found it helpful as well as reading a lot of Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

"Lane was my son, my friend, it was the two of us for so long, that the space and hole he left in my heart is huge"

I understand. Tris is my daughter but also my best friend. She homeschooled so we were always together. If I went shopping it was with Tris, If I went out to lunch it was with Tris, we did just about everything together. Please keep sharing about Lane whenever you need. I would love to hear more about him.

Susan,

How are you? I'm still thinking of you and sending prayers.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I just wanted to wish everyone here a peaceful evening...

Thinking of Dee, Kate, Sherry, Lora, Colleen, Gretchen, Susan, Sandy, Becky and the many others who stop in...

Carol, thinking of you tonight...haven't seen any of your lovely posts in awhile...

I am sorry for the sloppiness of my posts lately...most days my mind is mush...

[ericasmom]

Laurie, hang on as you find your way through this big first, that anniversary feels like something otherworldly looming over your days, it is not easy to face down that date on the calendar. We are holding your heart as you go.

Shannon, I had tears as I watched your Lovely Daughter grow up in photos with the backdrop of Carol King singing the words that we all relate to so deeply. She is a sprite, a spirit filled with goodness.

Susan, you okay?

Love ya to the moon, I had premonitions to Eri's leaving and she made some comments over her last year that were interesting as well. She also got to do some things that came out of the blue, and to me, those were gifts before dying.

Sherry, how fun that the kids can pick out a pumpkin from their Grammy and Grandpa's house. We have one gourd it looks like, but oh, what a maze of vines to get to that one. Hilarious.

[ericasmom]

Hi Folks,

I have been in School Improvement Meetings all day, and we got a great deal accomplished. I have a good substitute so I am glad to have had this time to do this work.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...a friend of mine sent this to me....I thought of you....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, thanks for posting all the links, some were very helpful.

Susan, thanks for the pic of the sign! I love it!

Shannon, very nice video! Thanks for sharing your Tris with us!

Today, I went to take my 85 year old dad to the ER, as he hit his shoulder yesterday with the car door, and couldn't move that arm without great pain. Nothing broken, thank GOD! Both my parents have really gone downhill this year. They used to enjoy going to church and out to dinner with others their age, now don't feel like leaving home. My younger sister and I are there numerous times during the week to take them groceries, do some light cleaning, laundry,etc.

They have suffered losses too, as my older brother, their only son, died 10 days before Jared. He had both legs amputated, as a result of complications of diabetes, and then suffered a heart attack, right behind that surgery. At the time, my father was still in the hospital from a fall, which left him with a serious infection in the knee, requiring surgery, and a bleed on the brain. They often wonder why they are still here, and why we have lost our young.

Tomorrow, is the day we meet with the Attorney General for DE, and the police that handled the investigation into the crash that killed our Jared. They have already said they don't have enough to bring charges, but tomorrow we will be allowed to ask questions. I have printed out a 1 inch high stack of things I had on my computer of areas of questions unanswered. I hope they have allowed sufficient time. I am steeling myself to try to hold my emotions and my disdain of their department, and their lack of any real empathy towards us. I can only hope that if the criticism is delivered in the right way, that maybe in the future, they will rethink their approach not only to the crash investigation, but to grieving parents and family.

Keep us in your prayers!

[ericasmom]

Good one Susan, love that sign.

A friend of mine at school is sad today because her Son was doing a biking fund raising event in Colorado with a good friend of his and a whole group really, when drunk driver hit her son's friend, he died. So Andrea's son witnessed this tragedy and is just devastated by it. They were raising money for a church. It was mid afternoon on a two lane highway with a large bike lane.

Please prayers for my nephew who has gone to court once this week and again tomorrow hoping that the judge will rule that the woman who he had a child with is made to come back to Chicago with the Daughter they share and insist on joint custody. If this does not happen, I fear my nephew will not last long, he is so very sad and is mourning this loss, as is my sister who was babysitting pretty often for them and feels her arms are empty now. My nephew has now gone a full month without seeing his little girl nor the daughter that this woman has who he felt was like his own. Such turmoil.

Prayers too for another nephew who has been back involved with heroin---it is very scary to think of Matt facing this addiction, and scarier still to think of him not facing it.

[ericasmom]

Becky, I pray that indeed they will listen and give deep thought to the mishandling and rectify their policies. You have been a very brave person, your disdain for the department is a pretty natural consequence to their actions. We are holding your hands as you ask those very important questions. I might ask the press to my house if they don't cooperate with you or give you the time needed to ask all of your questions.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I’m very tired tonight. Today was Aiden’s fourth Birthday. He woke up so excited that he wasn’t three anymore. I woke up feeling sick. I asked Tris to let me feel her close today. I imagined her putting her arms around me and saying, “You got this, Mom”. I made the whole day about Aiden. We went to pick out a surprise for him, then to lunch, his choice, which of course was McDonalds for a Happy Meal. Yuck, but it was his day. Then home to make his Minion cupcakes. We ordered pizza for dinner, again his choice, he opened his presents and has been playing ever since. I got through it. It was hard a lot. I miss Tris so much and she loved to spoil her brother. She always made things so special for him. I also kept thinking of how she would have talked me into buying her a present for Aiden’s Birthday and how I would have caved. I enjoyed Aiden today. He said he had the best day ever. It still hurt so much. I am amazed how I can smile and feel like crying, be happy and be in extreme pain all at the same time. It’s hard to explain or understand myself how I can have such completely conflicting emotions all at once. Definitely a bittersweet day.

Dee, Thank you for your sweet words about my Tris. I am praying for the family of the boy who was killed and for your friend’s son who witnessed it. How terrible and sad. I am also praying for your nephew and sister that they are able to be reunited with those little girls they love so much and for your other nephew that he is able to overcome this addiction. I hate addiction. I’ve seen it destroy too many lives.

Becky,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending prayers for strength. I do hope they listen. Thank you for your thoughts on my video.

Thinking of everyone tonight. I hope we all have sweet dreams of our Angels.

Shannon

I'm posting a pic of our Minion cupcakes and of Aiden in his Woody costume (that was what he chose to wear for his birthday)

[ericasmom]

those conflicting emotions have everything to do with love, the love for our Kids and the emotions that come with loving those here and what to do with our sadness when we have to step up for the others that we adore. But I know that Aidan had a wonderful day because of what you gave him this day, I know that you love the day he was born, and that you know that Tris is smiling a huge smile that her little Bro had a real great day today. She is proud of you, and she is proud of her brothers for all they bring to this world.

Your sweet Aidan resembles his Big Sis. So adorable. Your minion cupcakes are hilarious!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, how is your husband's chemo treatment going? I know you said after the treatment his white blood cells go down....and that is the hard week....

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Gretchen, came across the old posting of yours with the picture of all the hearts hanging together...to think about what are children are doing today in heaven....

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Shannon, the birthday for your son would be so difficult without Tris...we have had 4 birthdays without Jesse...

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Dee, hope school is going well for you...will pray for your requests...for the family of the young man killed...was it during the biking event...I am assuming this was a bicycle?? not motorcycle???

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Lora, how is work going? I know it is hard with the two jobs

Sherry, sounds like quite a harvest...gourds are so pretty in the fall...

luvu2themoon, how are you holding up...

Susan, thinkng of you today...

Becky, hope you get what you want from the meeting...I would be very interested in how it goes...since my case was ruined by the intaking officers...

[Mermaid Tears]

my internet has been going in and out...more out than in....I was typing a post...and it went out...is there any way to retrieve what I was typing...?

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thanks for asking after my husband. He did not actually have chemo again. If you remember he had a severe allergic reaction to the last one. They have temporarily postponed chemo until they have found out the exact cause. He did go for a CT scan this week. We are anxiously waiting for the results to see if it has spread. We are keeping busy and trying to remain as positive as possible. I am thinking of everyone and hoping you have a nice weekend. This is the beginning of fall suppers in our area. Also fall craft fairs that are great as they give you a nice start to putting things away for the Xmas season. It has turned in quite chilly and the leaves are starting to fall. The flocks of geese are getting much larger now and I hate the thought of them leaving soon. This weekend I expect to waken to the sounds of gunshots as the hunting season has started. More then anything I know that it signals the coming of winter. Not a huge fan of the cold any longer.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, praying for good results then, I did not realize the reaction could have been to the chemo itself.....I too no longer like cold weather and the snow, just more to shovel...

Susan, I think once the post is gone that is it...sometimes I write in another program first like Word or Notepad and then copy it (ctrl + c) and paste (ctrl + v) it in the post area..

that way I do not lose it...when using the post are I have lost what I wrote and its hard to get restarted sometimes...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death.

We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind.

We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss.

We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband (or in my case, my son) is about to return and need his shoes.”

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Book on Grief... Author Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

Where I am at in so many ways....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....you are getting into the rough waters on this grief journey...in the days ahead you will be thinking of 'this is what we did'....'this is what we said'....'he was standing there'....'he was here'....and then there will be the e

[Sholl1955]

Just want to thank you for your kind, encouraging responses to my last post. I don't think I am Bitter, but could become that way. That is not my character and even though I am not sure who I am now, I know what I need to do. Thank you for all of your kindness , You are all in my prayers as you navigate your own journeys along this painful path. Sandy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie....you are getting into the rough waters on this grief journey...in the days ahead you will be thinking of 'this is what we did'....'this is what we said'....'he was standing there'....'he was here'....and then there will be the e

Susan, That's exactly what my husband and I both do...reliving our lives with him....my husband worked on cars all the time with Jesse...so it is extremely difficult now when he has to do engine repair work..

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Sandy....I saw your angel date for your daughter isn't real long either, from early 2012...this is just a very hard painful journey...I know it won't do any one of us any good to criticize ourselves for what we may or may not be doing while living the worst nightmare of our life...

I actually had to cut someone out of my life because she kept repeating to me a story about two mothers in our community, both had lost their only sons, and one person handled it one way and the other woman had a real hard time...(personally, I think the storyteller only saw what she wanted to...)

Anyways, this person kept repeating this ridiculous story to me...and it finally made me angry because I was there for her when her marriage dissolved after 45 years...her husband was abusive... and she was also suicidal from it...I never offered any criticism but only supportive words.....too many people love to hand out the advice as long as they are not wearing the "ugly shoes",

In my case I even got to to trade in my first pair of ugly shoes for an even uglier pair...

[Jeff's Mom]

Just want to thank you for your kind, encouraging responses to my last post. I don't think I am Bitter, but could become that way. That is not my character and even though I am not sure who I am now, I know what I need to do. Thank you for all of your kindness , You are all in my prayers as you navigate your own journeys along this painful path. Sandy

Sandy, you are not bitter. You are a mother that has lost her child. We feel your pain and are experiencing it along with you. Holding you close as you go thought this difficult time. Kate

[lovU2themoon]

"luvu2themoon, how are you holding up..

Laurie, thanks for asking, as you know everydays a struggle, pretty weepy today, my daughter went out of town to pack to move back home, seems to be tough time for me. I just am so sad, i miss my Lane so much, somedays i cant breath, my home is so quiet, i can hardly stand it.

I continue to go to Griefshare, and a counselor and my dr is going to sent me to see a psychiatrist he is concerned i should start on some antidepressants, i am still not eating much, i don't know, i just hurt so bad, i miss my kid so much. i just don't know what to do.. everyday i try to go out or do something but i just want to stay home, i get very anxious and weepy when we go someplace, i see lane every where i go, from Walmart to the grocery store, cause we did so many things together. its so tough..i am at such a loss..

[517958]

Hello all

I thought I’d check in as it’s been a little while. I read often but mostly feel like I don’t have anything to say. The summer was hard for me. Doing all the things that Charlotte did leading up to the first day of Kindergarten with Julia just brought back all those memories. I was certain that Julia would die just before going. Even the day before, I was so nervous and wouldn’t let her out of my sight. Somehow she did survive to the first day of Kindergarten. I brought her in and on the way to her classroom I had the thought that Char never got to do this and I just broke down crying hard. Harder than any “normal” mom bringing her child to Kindergarten. I suppose the teacher thinks I’m crazy.

I’m sorry for all the new people here. I lost my 5 year old daughter in a drowning accident over 2 years ago. I went back and read my journal that I kept for the first year. Sometimes when I think I haven’t come very far, I go back to read that and I do notice that things have gotten better for me. I still have very bad days – especially anything special that makes me wish Char was here with us to be there. But I’m now able to laugh which is something I never thought I’d do again at the beginning. Slowly, a little bit of the person I was is returning. I’ll never be the same but at least I’m reclaiming some remnants of who I was. Be patient and try to be good with yourselves.

[Mermaid Tears]

Angela...one can only imagine walking in your shoes...taking that little hand to school...and being flooded with all the emotion from your Char...to the emotion of letting that little one walk into her future...a double whammy for sure...

I sobbed when I took my first born to First Grade....I have always loved the summer so I could have my kids 'all to myself' and would be so sad to see them go back to school....

I don't think any parent that has lost a child is 'ever the same'....but am glad you are seeing some of your unique personality come up from the ashes....and thank you for sharing...many need to hear and read that one can survive this grief journey.

[ericasmom]

Angela, I so agree with Susan, you have found a way to carry on and give Julia what she needs. No, never the same as we once were, but it does not mean that we aren't good and nurturing, it just means as you said, that we change and it takes time in our grief to find our core again. It is there. I would be the same way as you approached Julia going to kindergarten, and your tears that day were as ours have been in those milestone times that make our missing so front and center. I wish you joy Angela, and the sense of peace from Char and delight for Julia.

Wanda, the ache is palpable, it is the empty arms, the heart's shattered pieces that make no sense what so ever, the second guessing the moments that brought our Kids to their end, all of it, a constant and a difficult way to live but for the first half year and sometimes more, that is what we do, that first year is thee hardest in my opinion, to find ways to breathe and walk, and eat and find anything in the world that matters, but you will and I promise you, it will not always feel this way.

Laurie, hold the hands of those on the path ahead of you, it is why we leave our footsteps, a purpose we find healing too, to help the next person put in this impossible position. We're here.

Lora, you okay?

Kate, the geese are sounding each early morning when it is almost light, flying overhead in groups, though they stay here as long as there is open water to drink. The trees are turning early due to the lack of rain and leaves and seeds are falling at a rapid clip. I am grateful for the temperatures and the incredibly blue skies, September blue. Going to a service for my cousin Linda who passed away last month, and then to a double birthday party for a great niece and great nephew. Love to all.

[Mermaid Tears]

Your plate is full, Dee.....another Slaughter of the Innocents on our Highways....a road in Texas had its speed limit raised to 80...I don't know who all was drinking the 'Kool-aide' when they did that....Speed Kills....known fact. It just doesn't end.

It is so sad how some parents will isolate children from people that love them....for the children feel the loss...somewhere deep in their little beings....and the outcome is forever having issues of insecurity...and trusting issues. There simply isn't a problem here on earth that ever stemmed from a child having 'too much love'..or too many people loving them....for they are the ones that can brave any storm...and maybe bend...but never break.

Your nephew and the problem of addiction...we can pray that he can raise his head just enough to see some blue sky from the dark....and he will have to do it....if loved ones could make up the mind of someone else....there would be no addiction problems....but...he will have to be helped by a recovered person. I think we will find very few families that have not had to deal with drugs...and it brings down everyone in its path....it leaves no one untouched. I hear of so many deaths from overdoses...and it is beyond sad. We will pray for healing for him.

How is the GRANDdaughter ?? Isn't it nice to have that little one that can give you the sunniest smile ever ? Hope your classes are going good....and that the season change will give you some relief from the heat.

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda, the ache is palpable, it is the empty arms, the heart's shattered pieces that make no sense what so ever, the second guessing the moments that brought our Kids to their end, all of it, a constant and a difficult way to live but for the first half year and sometimes more, that is what we do, that first year is thee hardest in my opinion, to find ways to breathe and walk, and eat and find anything in the world that matters, but you will and I promise you, it will not always feel this way. "

I fell like i will never feel any different, i feel like the biggest part of my life is gone and i have nothing to fill it with. My son was my everything. my daughter was living in another city with her own life going to school, very self sufficient but my boy, he still needed me he was just 17, just going into grade 12,and with some social issues he still needed guidance, i was not ready for this, the shock of not being "Lane;s mom" with appts and school meeting, and grad this year, and all the things we had planned for this year, i am just at such a loss. I feel so crazy empty and i miss him so much. How do i navigate the rest of my life or even next week or the weekends without him. I don't know how to do this....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...I started a post to you....but only some of it came through...our phones and internet have been off and on since Thursday....I guess ATT is too busy counting the money we send them to fix anything.

But...you are coming into the rough waters on this grief journey....and there is simply no way to side step it....go around it....one must go through it. Every family has their own dynamics...their own way of dealing with grief....and it will be a unique journey for you. You will find your own map. I pushed through and absorbed it...but I felt like I was sleep walking....felt very heavy...and so I had to take baby steps and 'self care' and I felt a profound velvet wall to hit me.

Leading up to the date you will go over and over...like background music playing....'we did this'...'he stood there'....'we said this'....'we ate that'....'he wore that shirt'....'we heard this song'....and I think that is normal....for we need to remember the 'that was then'....

There will be the 'IF ONLY'....'if only I had turned right'....if only I had turned left'...'if only I had left early'....'if only he had left late'.....'if only I had been there'....and that is a somewhat masochistic theme that is played out in your thoughts like a movie reel played over and over...and I just don't think any parent doesn't think like that....at sometime or many times....for we have so much love for our child...don't we also have the power to save them ?? That kind of thinking can bring all the boogie men out of the closet....but....then we realize...we don't have that kind of power or control....and we come to our senses and KNOW in our hearts...we did everything under the sun that we could to love and raise our child. That is GRACE.

There is no magic pill we can give you to give you to help you through this date on the calendar.....but we can be just up ahead of you on this grief path...where we traveled....we can wave to you...give you some of our light for your footing...and let you walk the path where many have put their landmarks. You can say anything you want to say....you can be angry...sad....you can even be bitter. We will cry with you. We will cry for you.

Your Jesse David has a tremendous Soul and Spirit....I just don't think that even death can keep a SONshine boy like that apart from his Mama. I do believe he is near you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Applause..Applause for you Shannon.....

You got up that morning and put your chin high...your shoulders back...looked in the mirror and said...'It's Showtime'....

If we had put you on a Broadway stage that day and the audience could see your 'act'....you would have been given a Tony Award.....because....that SONshine boy of yours had an over the top Birthday Day and party.....and with his costume....he could have gotten an award, too.

You are an amazing Mom.....and we on this site know that the same love and care you gave your Trista is the same love and care you give your boys....love has a way of growing and expanding....and love covers all our children....the ones here....and the ones...'over there'...

I think we forget the power we all have....now....I have to admit that my power voltage is sometimes low....but it is like a pilot light....ready to flame up when I need it. And it is there for you, too.

I see all the 'kitchen stuff' in the background to help make those cupcakes....I see a lot of laughter and love....for that is the basic ingredient for all the things we create. You 'did good girl'...so proud of you.

[Mermaid Tears]

A little bright note here.....if anyone is in San Antonio tonight...

my first born GRANDson is in the play..'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' at the Cameo Theater.....this is the opening night...and it starts at 10:30....he has always wanted to be in this play....now he goes to University of Texas in Austin....and Mom and Dad were not thrilled for him to be in the play out of town...but they 'gave in'.....but told him there were plenty of theaters in Austin from now on.

He is the one in glasses...(no he doesn't wear them really)...he plays Brad...who I think is the only normal one in the play....

My daughter and her friends are going....I will go to a later one that starts at 8....

Now you know why I always say I do have gratitude for all my blessings...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I fell like i will never feel any different, i feel like the biggest part of my life is gone and i have nothing to fill it with. My son was my everything. my daughter was living in another city with her own life going to school, very self sufficient but my boy, he still needed me he was just 17, just going into grade 12,and with some social issues he still needed guidance, i was not ready for this, the shock of not being "Lane;s mom" with appts and school meeting, and grad this year, and all the things we had planned for this year, i am just at such a loss. I feel so crazy empty and i miss him so much. How do i navigate the rest of my life or even next week or the weekends without him. I don't know how to do this....

Wanda, I don't think we could ever "be ready" to walk without our sons...I too was very close to Jesse, he was over almost daily...we did so much together...I still scream "NO!!" in my soul when I wake up...

...and the feeling "Crazy Empty"...

Yeah, I guess that says it all for me too....

As far as how to navigate this all, I think that is why this site came about...so ones further along in this journey could help give us a bit of a map...

You read other's stories and you might see something in what they say that could help you...or you may just be at a certain point of time of this journey...there are a lot of bumps and turnarounds along the way...

Sometimes just making it through the day is the accomplishment...

I am going to repost something I believe Susan had originally put on here...

[lorismom]

Thinking of all of you today and your beautiful children........

Dee's ***ERICA***

Sherry's ***DAVEY and LISA***

Kathy's ***JESSICA***

Lora's ***CARA***

Char's ***ANGELA***

Colleen's ***BRIAN***

Marylou's ***TREVOR***

Susan's ***DAVID***

Kate's ***JEFF***

Becky's ***JARED***

Wanda's ***LANE***

Carol's ***MIKE***

Laurie's ***JESSE***

Shannon's ***TRISTA***

Gretchen's ***FOREST***

Sarah's ***SANDY***

Donna's ***DAVID***

Betsy's ***RICH***

Blessings to all traveling this journey......

Pat

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you, Pat. Lori has a wonderful Mom. Sending warmth and hugs for a peaceful evening to all. Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am sorry I didn't get on yesterday to tell you how we made out at the AG meeting, but I came home feeling so tired, physically and emotionally, I just needed to rest.

This portion has been deleted, but if you are interested, I can send it to you in a private message.

This morning, I packed the volumes of written materials, pictures, reports, etc., into a storage box, and tried to clear my desktop and my mind, as this has all but consumed me for nearly two years. I knew from the beginning that nothing I could do would bring back my son, but I am not sorry that I chose to walk this path for him.

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, you have done everything that you could possibly do to try to make your voice heard. Please...do not lose hope. Your voice has been heard. By standing your ground and going to bat for your boy you have made it perfectly clear that others need to reduce their speed on that road. Sending you and your family huge "hugs" for all that you are going through. He would want you to find peace. Please pm me if you need to talk. Love, Kate

[lovU2themoon]

Becky, your amazing at your fight for your son.

Thank you Pat for the list of names and our kids. its beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Laurie, my soul too screams! My heart aches my chest hurts.

I hate going to bed, because i wake up to the same pain,and nightmare i am living. This is so true

We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind.

i feel dislocated, obliterated, as i try to go thru the day.

I do read other stories and hope, pray that one day i too will be in that place, but this pain seems so overwhelming and great i wonder if i ever will be.

I just miss him so much.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I haven’t had much chance to post. Thank you all for your supportive words about Aiden’s birthday. Yes, I do love that little one so much. The night of his birthday I rubbed his back until he fell asleep with a little smile on his precious face.

I asked Sis to show she was near for Aiden’s party and she really did.

Just as Aiden had finished opening his presents, my sister looked up to see a heart shape in the clouds. I was able to snap a picture of it before the clouds shifted too much so I can save it for Aiden and he will be able to see his Birthday gift from Sissy.

The next thing was a gift for me. My husband came today for Aiden’s party. He decided to spend a good portion of the time making me feel bad. After he left I walked out feeling completely deflated and suddenly there was a big blue and black butterfly. It swirled all around me and then went over to Trista’s garden where it fluttered around and stayed for quite a while.

The most amazing and perfect thing though, was the love note from Trista to Aiden. On New Year’s Eve of this year my Sister’s family came down and we all went out to eat at Trista’s favorite restaurant. Aiden got bored waiting on our food so my Sister produced a little notepad from her purse that she keeps for her youngest to doodle on when she gets bored in the car. Trista kept Aiden busy with the notepad. Today my niece reached into the pocket on the back of the seat in the van to get her game to play on the way down to our house. She pulled out this little note. My sister handed it to me when they arrived today with tears in her eyes. She said Trista must have written this that night and at some point It got removed from the notepad. She said the amazing thing is that she has cleaned that van out so many times since then including today. She said she purposely cleaned out all those pockets before the trip down today yet somehow that little note from almost nine months ago remained. She said her kids stick all kinds of stuff in there and that note is in perfect shape and found on the day of Aiden’s party. It was definitely Trista Magic. My heart was filled with love and my eyes with tears.

Becky,

I thought of you often yesterday and wondered how it went. I know it isn’t the outcome you had hoped for but you did everything possible and I’m glad you at least had this time to say what you felt needed said. I hope changes are implemented because of your fight and that you continue to see your signs changing things in your neighborhood.

Pat,

Thank you for taking the time to say the names of our Sweet Angels. I agree with Kate… Lori has a wonderful Mom.

Laurie,

I think of you so much and send prayers for comfort during this time.

Wanda,

Thinking of you too. This is such a hard journey. I know the missing is so hard and painful.

Dee and Susan,

Thank you for your words of support for all I tried to do for my sweet Aiden for his birthday. I think I did good. I love him so. It’s so hard to know he won’t remember much of his Sissy but I will continue to talk of her every day to him to help him keep the memories he does have and save all the stories of the precious ways she shows she is still with us.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Pat, what a kindness to put our Babies names in print, thank you so much.

Shannon, gifts all around you showing you that magic does exist even in our darkest times. Hooray for Aidan's birthday party and for the ways his Sister came around to show you she is near. Love the note story. I am sorry the husband tried to put a damper on the day, but so glad that you felt all the magic around you.

Becky, you did so much to honor your Sweet Son, I know that he is so proud of you, your strength and tenacity and drive. You were listened to yesterday, they heard your heart and spirit spelling out what should be different, what was not done, and I do believe from the reactions you posted, that changes will be made in the department. I hope you feel the love and pride Jared is casting on you, hoping that his Momma can feel him near. You have honored your Son, for two years of fighting for justice, and while the outcome is not what you would have wanted for anyone, the facts remain, you stood solid for the love you will always carry for your Son.

[ericasmom]

Good morning on a sunny, breezy, fall morning. I wish you all a pretty day, a gentle day if possible. I will check in later to see what is going on here, but for now just want to tell you that I think of you each and say prayers.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky our Warrior Mom......

I read your post 3 times....I had to walk away and mull over my reaction...my thoughts....and I could almost see you in that room with all those people...

I could also see many Warrior Angels around you with their swords raised high...

These are just my thoughts....

I believe there were 'seeds' planted at that meeting....this was a dialogue that needed to be started...there were words said that many ears needed to hear....it was said at the right place and the right time.....

You may not know it....but I believe you were 'standing up and for' many parents that that did not 'go the extra mile'...but they wished they had...maybe they did not have the resources or the stamina in their grief to keep the fight going on for justice...maybe they had been knocked down to their knees and could not get up....

And....as sad as it is to say this...but we know it is a true statement....you were 'standing up and for' the many parents that will have to face this moment of 'losing that child because of someone's mistake..from their destructive behavior'.....and they will seek justice as you have done....

I think the ones that heard your story have had a page turned...

Like I have told you....the person responsible for this carnage...will do something...again....this will not be a 'one time'.....

Yes...that waiting game....waiting for the Karma to kick in....

You say you have packed up all the research and papers....that is fine....for you need to rest...but.....I do believe....it will be a valuable tool....for maybe you should write some articles for newspapers...magazines...about the facts to change the law....'anyone responsible of another's death should be tested'.....I am putting it in a simple way....but....I don't believe all your hard work should be packed away....forever....I think this is the first step to get the law in place. Get the wheels spinning. My Grama would say...."If there is one....there is some".....and I think many parents- people will join your cause for they walk in your shoes, too. They too want justice for their loved ones.

[lovU2themoon]

today we are going to put a cross on highway where Lane was killed to bring awareness to the safety and need for an overpass at the intersection.

Its a high traffic intersection, and something needs to be done before more are killed there

I have mixed emotions. between anxiety and not wanting to to this at all, staying home under my covers and knowing it might help with the grieving.

Trying to be strong, trying not to do the ugly cry....