Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Lovely spot for coffee Laurie, it was I who spoke of meeting up for coffee. I will think of that place when I have my coffee in the morning.

Loved the link to the Lily stories.

Shannon, another gift then, the woman who sat with Trista let you know this today. I am glad that Trista had someone there talking to her. She is definitely feeling your ache and responding to it, she is a part of your lives.

All those worries were mine as well, did Eri see the train at the last minute? I so hope not, but early on, those thoughts drove my sleep away. Eventually, I had to realize that she was not afraid now no matter, now she was completely peaceful and filled with hope for her family.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Dee,

These are some of the questions that keep me up at night...that jolt me out of an almost sleep. I feel like maybe Trista knew I needed to hear these things now.

Laurie,

I'm so glad you had someone there for Jesse too.

This is the first time I've talked about seeing Trista at the scene of the accident. Even my husband does not know what I saw. I've kept those things locked away. I didn't get to see her again at the hospital and it was a question at first as to whether we would see her at her services. We were able to.

Thinking of everyone tonight. I'm so thankful that I have this place to come to. Love to all.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

23 months today, Jared. Still praying for truth and justice to prevail. We love U and miss U so much!

[Guest]

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[lovU2themoon]

good morning, i am new to this forum, not a club i ever wanted to be a part of, just as all of you never did.But here i am.

My 17 yr old son was killed in a car accident Aug 9 2013. I am so heartbroken, My chest is heavy my stomach is in knots, I am so so sad.

I just wanted to hear how some of you dealt with the pain, the heartache, cause i sometimes feel like i can't breath it so bad.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

I have so much to share...but have so much on my 'to do list'...but ...

love you to the moon....you have come to a good place...and yes...as you say...not a place you never think you will seek out....but we are here and want to know about your SONshine boy....and yes...we can all identify with that ....'it hurts so much I can't even breathe'....I called it 'coming up for air'....like when you are under water....this site has been the life line for me when my human boat was going down for the last time...(it felt like that)....and grief is such a physical thing...it is so heavy and dark. We will hold your hand on your journey....my journey has no map....but we will all be here for you...and yes....we know how much you are hurting. Prayers sent for you and yours.

[lovU2themoon]

I will tell you about my kid, he was the best kid ever! He always struggled in school, he stuttered, and he was always the subject for someone's bullying. We as a family, my son Lane, my daughter Lindsay and me, we were a team. We made sure we did as much as we could together, and always had the best time. My daughter went to university 4 yrs ago, and i was just me and my boy. He was diagnosed with Aspergers in grade 8, and we started to make changes to help him be the best he could be. by grade 11 he also was on the top of the world. He had accomplished being part of an Out door school program, which meant putting himself it high anxiety situations, that he completely overcame and concurred. He even got his drivers licence. But two days after, he was crossing the highway, and was cut off by another vehicle that was also crossing. he stopped to avoid hitting that vehicle, but stopped short of clearing the 2nd lane, and was t-boned by a truck. Today is the first day of school. would have been the first day of grade 12 for my Lane, graduation year, and he was so excited he didn't have to take the bus anymore, he could drive. And all that is gone now, and here I sit, with a broken heart, and my daughter couldn't go back to University, and we are a mess and so sad,

[tobyfreefoot]

lovu2themoon--believe me we can all relate to that feeling of being unable to breathe and that crushing weight in your heart. my 28 year old son died in a car accident also. if it wasn't for this site i would have lost my mind. i am glad you found us. it is so early in your journey, the very worst. it was about 6 or 7 months i think when i found this place. when you feel like it we will listen with love and compassion to anything you need to say or want to share. i am so sorry you have had to come here.

becky--love the picture!! just so nicely done. today is 26 months for forest and me.

shannon--i think i thought of the acrylic box but les figured a way to incorporate it into the monument rather than attaching it to the side. he also steered me toward a journal made with waterproof paper.

i'm glad to hear you and others had someone with your children.

i never got the emt report or police file. i just know the accident report said 911 was called at 6:08 am and they were pronounced dead at 6:12. (blunt force trauma--no autopsy so i don't know exactly) ashlie's mom sent photo's that were taken by someone who got things out of the car at the tow yard in texas. ashlie's parents were not allowed down to the car. i did not see photos of the accident but the windshield was up against the back seat , no roof etc. forest must have been reclined, the car obviously went completely under the semi after crashing through the back. i was not allowed to see forest for 3 very long days and then he was in the casket with most of his face covered with a gray cloth, could see his bruised hands. originally they were not going to let me see him at all but the mortician told me she could hear me screaming and crying all through the funeral home and knew she had to somehow fix it where i could see him. ashlie's father traveled to texas where he was only allowed to see his sweet little girl's arm. he called and told me he could tell there was little else there. she was cremated. i did talk to the woman that pronounced them dead and she said they didn't have a chance to feel anything.

ok enough of all this horrible stuff but you know there is no one else...

lora i think letting cara's friends say goodbye was important since there wasn't an open casket even though it was hard for them. my grandmother had a closed casket and i never felt like i got to tell her goodbye.

laurie--we have a get together in july and again in jan. (forest's birthday) i provide the ribbon etc and they decorate. many people wrote in the book the first few months but mostly now it is me and sometimes my daughter. i have seen flowers a few times but i think kids that were in high school still are more likely to have lots of visitors--especially in a small town where they are well known. forest was in grad school at the university of oklahoma. if he had not been president of the animation society he probably would not have had as many kids show. i do know how you feel, when i go (it's an hour away) i always hope someone has been there and it hurts now that it looks like i'm it. i am always always looking for things to add.

[tobyfreefoot]

lovu2themoon--we posted at the same time. no wonder you loved that boy!! just hearing about him makes me fall for him. i promise it will get better. don't worry you won't lose him again when you feel better, it will be easier to think of him. my youngest son just flunked out of college as he is having a some what delayed grief reaction i think. it is probably good to have your daughter around right now for both of you. i have to run but forest was bullied and came out on top too. so glad lane got there and was happy.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

I so agree with what Laurie wrote.....this is a 'safe place' for each of you to share that dark memory....maybe by putting it out there...let the light rest on it...it will not be as horrific....or maybe you will find that 'soft place' to fall.

Today....John David will be at his one year...one month marker....

Becky....I wish I could create the lovely photo memories you do...

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....once again....your words speak as my heart beats....thank you for sharing your poems...

Colleen....I think you found a very special place for some of his ashes...one of my sons is going to put some of John David's ashes at Whidbey Island....

Gretchen....so your son, Marshall, is going to take a break ? It could turn out to be what is best...for he, too, has to heal from the inside out...this has not been easy at all for John David's brothers or sister....and they, too, have to take it one day at a time. And...so I go by what I preach...I have never lost a brother....so I really don't know the way their path goes. The ceremony on the boat was very emotional for them. Sometimes I feel like I walk on eggshells around them. My husband still has lots of anger....and after his open heart surgery...I do keep an eye on him.

[Mermaid Tears]

luvU2moon.....thanks for sharing...I am glad you have your daughter with you...and you are at the beginning of this journey....and it is good to have someone to hold hands with....and even cry with. That boy is not 'gone'...he has just 'gone before you'.....there are many on this site I call 'our guides'....some have been here for years....they will reach out and hold you up...as they did me. Please take very good care of yourself...be very gentle with yourself...for grief is a very physical thing...your heart is broken...and your body can become broken, too.....that is why we call it 'self care'....there is no right way...or wrong way to grieve....we are unique...our children are unique....so the way each of us will grieve will be unique...your very own way. Howl at the moon....or sit on the couch in your panties all day....whatever makes you feel better. I will not gild the lily....this is hard...but do-able.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....happy to hear your son is getting a good start on his 'new adventure'....my GRANDson is doing fine in Austin at UT....although his Mom is having a hard time with this milestone....he 'surprised' the family by coming home this week-end...she had tears for most of the time...and I know a lot of the emotions have to deal with John David, too....too many hearts strings are being pulled. I teased Austin....for every since he was in Pre-school....they drove him and siblings to school...never once have they rode the school bus....I told him ...'at last...you are old enough to ride the bus'.....for where he is there is a shuttle bus to campus....and parking is a nightmare.

There has been a definite shift in me....at some deep level...very profound...like I have said....I feel like I am in a class room....and can't understand the lesson...but I am game for it.

[lovU2themoon]

this time of day is the hardest for me, i would be just getting home from work, he would be in his room playing on the computer. He would run out and great me, "hey mom, how was your day? whats for supper?"

He would watch me cook, and tell me all about his day. and now, my house is so quiet.

How do i deal with the quiet?

He talked non stop about everything, we would solve the worlds problems over spaghetti!

and now the silence is killing me..

My daughter lived away at school, and i don't want her to think she needs to replace her brother, i love her deeply and we need to get thru this together, but she lived away for 4 years, coming home once a month and when school was out. and together the 3 of us would solve the world problems over spaghetti but oh my this is so hard.

My son and i spent alot of time together. He had no close friends, as with aspergers, he did not make friends easily, so we went everyplace together, cause i never wanted him to miss out on anything, KIZZ concert, museums, grocery shopping, Holiday train. Christmas light tour, dressed up our home for Halloween, photography classes, the list goes on.

I am heartbroken....

[daveydow1]

MIKE....MIKE....MIKE....... ANGEL IN HEAVEN. .SMILE DOWN ON YOUR DEAR WIFE AND THE

ENTIRE FAMILY AND WARM EACH HEART WITH YOUR LOVE

.

Carol----Thinking of your today.

Dee----I was canning lots of tomatoes & tomato juice. I believe that is over now. Yep---it's

a hot/messy job, but it's good when it's done. I love your poem...Sand. When on vacation,

I remember standing on the beach, and just watching the different patterns form with the

surf. Your poem expresses, so well, some of my thoughts. The cemetery where Davey is

buried is like ERi's resting spot......large trees, quiet, sounds of birds. Of course, when the

grave was so new, I could not think like that......but time has mercifully softened the emotions.

Who can know the reasoning behind school board's thinking??? A/C would help the kids

to relax more, and be able to concentrate better. I hope that it's cooled off some. It has

cooled a bit here.

Laurie----Jessie's spirit lives on. The final resting place of our dear children is the painful

side of our journey. It's nice that Rudy's grave is near Jesse's. Rudy must have had a

wonderful sense of humor, and a beautiful outlook on his long life. May he & Jesse share

a nice friendly relationship in their heavenly home. We bought a memorial paver stone

at a nearby metro park, in a beautiful area with fountain/flowers etc. They are placed

next to one other one to make up each individual unit. The one that is next to Davey's is of a man who was

101 when he died.....and David was 31. I always thought that was quite unique...and we

liked that, somehow. I believe that we have a kinship.....in that you had lost an infant

some years ago,.....then your dear Jesse. I lost my 6 mo. old baby, Lisa, years ago,..then

years & years later,...David dies. I agree.....the loss of a child will always be a source of

sorrow for the rest of our lives. I hope that your meds help with your stress and the resulting

effects. Peace and comfort, friend.

WISHING PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

luvu2themoon-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, 17. You have

come to a very active site, and everyone here knows the sorrow and pain

that you are having. Please come back and tell us more about your dear

son....when you feel you want to. There is a lot of empathy and understanding

here. (I've been on this site for 10 years now, and it has been a lifeline).

Peace to you.

Sherry

[Sholl1955]

For all the new members here, I am sorry you had to find this site but want to agree with everyone here that you have found a group of very caring people and much support and wisdom as you navigate through a loss that is beyond words. Take it one step at a time and know that your journey is unlike any other, but those here understand and will be here for you now and 10+ years from now. Everyone here "gets it". I have not been on for awhile but have been reading. We are adjusting well to our apartment, in fact my husband likes it very much. Maddie and Becca seem to be adjusting fairly well to our living away from them. We see them once or twice a week which is still difficult after living with them for so long , kind of like going through the "empty nest" again. But we will be fine. The poems and pictures have been really nice . I am glad to see the sites of your loved ones. Sarah's husband has still not put a stone on her site and the cemetery won't let anything we put on stay. I still guess at where she actually is for sure. But this is something I have to let go of and hope that he puts something there soon. It is so very hard though. It is hard to believe that it is September already. I used to really love the fall but now it holds different meanings and memories. Thinking of you and hoping for a night of peaceful rest. Sandy

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

"As hard as it is to post some of the actual "horror" of our children's accidents ... my belief is there is a need to verbalize this and to process it with very safe people....so thank you all for listening to the details that haunt each one of us...I pray for those who share these deep confidences within this very special circle..."

Thank you for sharing your feelings on this today. I struggled with whether to post that part of my story but felt I really needed to be able to share in a safe place. As you said, it is needed in order to start to process the trauma and horrific nature of our loss.

Lora,

I can understand wondering if you should have seen Cara at the hospital or not. The hospital didn't really give me the option. I'm sure I could have insisted as her mother but I was in too much shock to argue without ever thinking it might be my last chance. When the funeral home said it may have to be closed casket, due to swelling and bruising that must have occurred after I saw Trista at the scene, I panicked. I felt I needed to that chance to see her and touch her no matter what but struggled with whether I should demand it if they were strongly suggesting not to. Would it better to see her or not to see her? Such hard choices and ones no parent should ever have to make. I was thankful that I ended up being able to see her.

Sandy,

I'm sorry to hear that a stone has not been placed for your Sarah still. I will continue to pray that something is done soon.

Becky,

The picture tribute to Jared is beautiful. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and continuing to pray to for justice.

luvu2themoon,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Son, Lane. I lost my Daughter, Trista to a car accident on June 1st of this year, just three months ago. She was also 17 and this would have been her Senior year as well. Trista was also diagnosed with mild Aspergers when she was 11 years old. I was always her advocate. She too was bullied at one point so I know how hard that is as a mother. I just want to say, as others have already, that you have found a place where you can share and everyone here knows your pain and offers so much comfort and support. I found this place just 3 weeks after Trista's accident and it has been a lifeline for me as well. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. This is such a hard journey but you will find so much understanding here.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Trista's cousin Jessi came to visit today with her mother, my cousin. Trista and Jessi are actually like 3rd cousins. We lived just down the street from each other when the girls were born until they were in Middle School. They were born just 3 months apart. They were very very close. Jessi was Trista's first friend. This is the first chance Jessi has had to be here since the services so she was able to come and spend some time in Trista's room. Then we all went to Trista's site and sat and talked. She was so glad to see it looking so different from the way it looked at the burial and I think today was very healing for her.

For me, it has been a day of exteme anxiety and panic attacks. I don't really know why today. It just is. I miss my Trista so very much.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....I was just thinking of you today...wondering if the new apartment was working out.....

And Sherry....you our gallant one to hang on for so long....to be that far ahead on the path....with the light....showing us our way on this dark path....saying...'come along....come along....we are here before you...showing you the way...on this dark journey...that has no light...no map...just 'us' ...lighting the way.....for that is what is really what is all about....us together...us being here for each other.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

luvu2themoon,

I must have missed your last post before. I understand so much of what your feeling right now. Our lives are so changed. Nothing is the same so what do we now? I don't have the answer. I'm struggling day to day to try to figure it out. Coming here helps. While everyone's journey is in their own way and in their own time, it gives me hope to connect with others on this path. There are people here from all along the timeline who share their journey. Our children, such a huge piece of us, are now missing from our lives in the way they were with us before. I have two other children, 4 and 14. We are trying to figure out how things are going to work for us now. For awhile I had no routine at all. Everything was wrong without Trista here. Over the past couple of weeks the boys and I are a just beginning to try to put some new ways of doing things in place. The old ways do not work for us anymore. Everything is still painful but I take it a day at a time, and sometimes a minute at a time just to see what will work for me. Be sure to take care of yourself. Self Care is so important during this time. This was told to me when I first came here and I'm glad. I didn't feel like taking care of myself at the time but I did to the best of my ability. I'm so sorry you have to be here but glad that you found this place.

Thinking of you tonight.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Shannon

[mikesmomrs]

To all...this past week has been a time of surreal being...going from one hour, one morning, one evening, to the next, pacing my breaths, feeling my heart beat...thinking surely it must be stopped by now...but no, it is still here; it still beats, my breaths still come, one after the other. I have survived. How? I don't know. I didn't even know that I had cried little until I came here tonight (this morning) and saw all of your loving thoughts; your wishes straight from your hearts; your kindness, in print. And I collapsed, finally, in tears that came like a flood...forceful, seemingly endless, yet cleansing in its own strange way. I feel as if I've been in a trance...Kim and her family came on Wednesday, late, and on Thursday we began the chaos that ensued most of the next 5 days. So many things to do, so many things done, so many hours awake... Kim had come for her dad's anniversary, but also with the intention of painting my kitchen cabinets, and this she did, after over two years of intent. Four nights they worked, and they (she and her fiancé) painted with oil-based paint , which of course is smelly, permeating, and dizzying at times. The ball game on Friday night...meant to celebrate the life of both Mikes, which we did...Damon for his first "real" Red Sox game, and they won, for the very first birthday game since our first one in 2007..... a trip to the cemetery to bring flowers and think of good times from before. And as we all moved towards the cars to leave, a group of 8-10 dragonflies gathered and flew around us, over and over, until we were all in the cars, and then followed us a ways down the road to the exit. Yes, they were with us, both of them...many signs, many times we felt them near...today, ending with a last-minute, unplanned, day-before- school-starts trip to the beach with Damon and just me...and in the change from our drink purchase...a 1964 (the year Mike and I married) nickel, and as I am showing it to Damon, a yellow punch buggy drives by. On the way to the game, on Friday, an unexpected turn to a different street, followed immediately by a yellow and then a red punch buggy right in front of us. At the beach today, 3/4 mile long shore front...just at the spot where we stop, a beautiful large rock on the sea wall, split in half, and on the one side, the stone was black; in a heart shape. . You may remember that I still cannot do paragraphs nor color...though sometimes I can force a paragraph and copy a color...so the runons are inevitable. I have read over some of the recent posts and offer my heart and my love to all of you who are here, trying to rebuild, to relearn how to live, and how to be in this world without a piece of yourselves that gave life to your world...hold on to that, it will happen...slowly, different time frame for everyone, but as those new here can see from the posts of those here for a while, it does happen, differently for everyone, but eventually...we will find a smile that comes from where we cannot imagine, but it comes...a memory that finds our lips forming a smile instead of bringing tears to our eyes... and we will file those away for those continued days of healing as we go forward. I am posting a few pics from Damon and my day at the beach, as well as our ball game..(everyone's name is on the bottom of each picture...Damon still has his little "heart hairline".. (the last pic of Damon is from the back, and I noticed that he walks just like his dad did at that age)....] upon perusal, I noticed the pictures do not have the names across the bottom on all of them, like I thought. So, the first 'family" pic is middle daughter, Cathi, Damon (Mike's youngest, 8 1/2), Mike's best friend, Denis, Me, Mike's middle boy Kameron (16) and Mike's oldest, Chandler (17). The next "family" pic is Kim, my oldest, Her youngest, (making the face!) Rachel (12 1/2), me, Kim's fiancé, Matt, and Kim's oldest, Rebekah (16).

[mikesmomrs]

Forgot to post a new picture of our fur baby, and wanted to post pics of the windsock for Mike's birthday, and the flowers for dad's anniversary, at the cemetery. As we have done before, each of us wrote messages to them both on the white strips of the windsock. August has been a long month....

[Mermaid Tears]

And this is all we want to hear....but it takes one 'to walk in our shoes' to understand.....

that is why I come here everyday....

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I hooked up at school, figuring that I am here for long hours, which I love, but hate being so separated from you. My kids are in Art right now...lovely.

Carol, what a wonderful celebration of life and love your Family shared, all together under the same skies, same hearts. Your Boys holding you all in thier ever-loving spirits, their ever-knowing souls. I am always in awe of your ability Carol, to bring your group together, the tribe of loving humans that you are, to grieve, to celebrate, to allow the freedom for both in one day. Peace my friend.

New to this forum, I have forgotten your name at this time, but you lost your precious 17 year old, and I am so sad for your huge loss. Your Boy sounds like a lovely and bright and wondrous young man. I know your arms feel empty, your heart shattered for all that is made different now. All I can offer is my now built heart, once shattered too, but re-built over time, re-built with the love and support of my Angel ERica and friends here, some family, and some friends in this life. Erica's friends help too, and after 10 years, they are an integral part of my life. I am thankful. My Son Jon and his wife and now baby Erica, also show me that life keeps changing, keeps changing and moving even when we need to stand still. So take your time in grief, do what is necessary for your heart and soul, do what you need to try to stay healthy too, grief is tiring and can make our immune systems crash, so please take some vitamin c and drink plenty of water as our tears dehydrate us. But understand that time is needed here to find your way, it is slow, it is a process and most things worthwhile are long processes. Your Boy wants the best for you.

My girl died too when a train hit her car. She lived for 6 days after, but she was never awake again, she was never Eri fully again as her brain stem was all but severed. Two boys, her same age that she had not met priviously ran to her and stayed with her to wait for the ambulance. They told me that her car was filled with light, they had tears streaming and were repeating over and over, her car was filled with light. We talked to her but we knew we could not touch her. We knew it was really bad.

I am so grateful to Joel and Matt for staying with ERi, and coming to the hospital each day to stand next to her bed, they vowed that they would never take anything for granted again to the Girl that changed their lives that summer of 2003.

They came to her wake and funeral back here in Chicago, the accident was in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She changed the lives of many and continues to do so, always with us.

[lovU2themoon]

I wake up with this huge pain in my chest, tears are right there waiting to roll down my cheeks, i miss my boy so much.

I feel so broken,

I want to hear his heavy foot steps running down the hall to the bathroom

I want to hear him laughing at his on line gaming friends

I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!!

We were in a good place, we were happy, very happy. my extend family was happy things were finally going our way, and someone decides to take it all away from me...we....all those who loved Lane.

Living a good life, doing good things, being content in what you have does not guarantee happiness. THE SECRET is so wrong. I lived by the words, good things come to good people, isn't that the universal law, one good deed deserves another. I volunteered for the Cancer Society, as did my son, we fundraiser for different groups, we were active in our community, my daughter is becoming a nurses, we struggled with finance, but we did all we could to complete the simple dreams we had....Including our dream trip to Disneyland.

and then "someone" "something" takes it all away from me.

I am lost...........

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

The story of how those two boys stayed with Eri and how they said her car was filled with light, Oh, it filled my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing that today.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing that poem. I understand that they can't understand and that is what it is. I'm glad they don't know, I really am. At times I just feel so alone and along with grieving for my Trista and I am grieving my relationships that are now so changed. It is as everything else in my life now. What existed before is no longer there and I must rebuild from the ashes.

I have had so many blessings this week in the form of other people, people I did not know before, showing compassion and kindness and I need to focus on those things. I may not have the same people in my life, at least in the same ways they were before but I have new people and new ways and I am not alone. I'm so thankful for everyone here who shares this journey because this is my lifeline.

lovU2themoon,

I understand. I want my old life back too. Your heart is shattered. You are so new to this journey and so am I but we all know your pain. Keep coming and sharing as you need and let us all hold your hand.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My Aunt found out a couple weeks ago that she had nodules on both lungs. She has been very scared and awaiting test results. We have all been praying and asking Trista to be with her Aunt as much as possible. Yesterday my Aunt was at work. She works in a factory and was up on a peice of equipment about 4 stories up. She said she was at her lowest of low points feeling sick, scared, overwhelmed when suddenly there was a little yellow butterfly inside the plant, four stories up, just swirling around her. She said it stayed with her for quite awhile and she just felt this sense of peace and felt Trista's presence so strongly. She called me right away to tell me about it. She just called again. She got her results from the doctor. There are no nodules. They can't really explain it and don't know what happened but there is nothing there.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

Thank you for your words of hope. I love the pictures and I'm so glad you have such a wonderful family around you. The rock heart is so neat. It's wonderful that you had many signs to show the love of your two Mikes and were able to feel their presence so strongly.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Wow Shannon, WOW! The miracles of our Angels, let your heart open to them and there they are. Oh, I know it does not replace them being here in person, but really, they are with us.

I love the poem about the shoes, great one.

Marley is playing as I read that you liked what the boys did with Erica and how they reported the light. THere is more to that story but I have a long meeting to go to so more later about Matt and Joel and the ways they helped us all with their sweet hearts.

Love you to the moon, what sadness, we all know those hard to catch your breath, those lonely quiet hallways at home, it is unbearable but here we are, still with a purpose here. Please hang on, the pain is like no other, but we are holding you close.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[tobyfreefoot]

luvu2themoon--for months i woke with that heavy, heavy feeling in my chest, knots in my stomach and my first waking thought being "forest is dead" it was so awful. it went on for a very long time. every morning. i never wanted to wake up again. it has been 26 months and i can report most days that is no longer my first thought, nor do i hate getting up that much more than i ever have. forest is in and out ALL day long. never very far from the forefront of my mind but most of the time in memories and love, much less often that sickening feeling or wanting to die. my heart is with you.

my son was a very different kid also. ADHD, dysgraphia with a really high logic score and he did not fit in this redneck little town. he was beat up, arms broken staples in his head you name it. he had no friends in high school but in college he was the pied piper for all those reclusive, nerdy lonely kids out there. he pulled so many out of their shells and got them involved with each other. i received messages from all over the world from on line gamers that he had hooked up with others and they now had real friends. i often wonder all your same thoughts--why all the good good kids on this site are the ones that left the earth. it is almost like it is some supernatural conspiracy as the world gets worse the best kids leave.

susan--sit on the couch in your panties all day ha ha!! made me laugh!! my favorite attire lol!

shannon--love the shoe poem. i have had similar experiences with people as you mentioned. i hate to tell you but my experience is the more time goes by the less my "friends" want me to mention forest's name. like ok we indulged you but come on 2 years? you can quit talking about him. wrong i can't, i don't want to, i want him alive--in my conversation, part of my day you know? that is why i'm still on this site--mainly because i can babble on and no one gives me that look and changes the subject. i also even after 2 years am trying on different ideas for living this new life. i also find some of those people just don't hold my interest enough to talk to them anymore. i know that sounds rude but my life has changed so much and has moved into a totally different realm.

today i met my daughter and grandaughter at the cemetery when i got off and brought fried okra and sliced tomatoes out of my garden and egg salad compliments of my chickens!! come the apocalypse we're will have food!!! tah dah!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I would really like to hear more of the story of those two boys, Matt and Joel.

Gretchen,

"it is almost like it is some supernatural conspiracy as the world gets worse the best kids leave."

You voiced a thought I have had as well.

I still wake up that way every morning. At first it was like realizing it all over again. Somehow in my sleep I would forget Trista was not here. Now, I don't "remember" every morning but my heart is still heavy, it is still my first thought, and getting out of bed to face another day without her is so so hard.

I don't think what you said sounds rude at all. There are just some things that I do not care to talk about any more. They are not at all important in my world. I will continue to always talk about Trista to anyone who cares to listen. She is still and always will be a daily part of my life.

Laurie,

I do remember always getting panties from my Grandma. She thought she was a "hip" grandma though so she would always get us cutsie ones and then, as with all our other gifts, we had to hold them up to show to the family. So embarrassing at the time. Now we laugh. She is still as crazy as she ever was. She told me that the thing she thinks about that brings a smile to her heart is seeing Trista shaking her head saying, "Oh, Grandma, Grandma, Grandma." She said, "somehow I was always saying something that caused that response from her."

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

laurie--my mom always did in a little flat box lol.

here is a new pic of my youngest-marshall feeling a little better. got a "soul crushing job" as a dishwasher where his girlfriend works

[Mermaid Tears]

glad to see your posts Dee....I get some kind of 'anxiety/withdrawal' jitters when I don't see or 'hear' your words....as I have mentioned...I do feel like I am in some kind of classroom...maybe an Adult Pre-School....trying to understand the lesson....trying to learn....a part of the 'shift' ...the journey..the profound change.

More later....much to digest...so much food for thought that has been brought forth and it all touches me in places I seem to have a knowledge of it all.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

laurie--my mom always did in a little flat box lol.

here is a new pic of my youngest-marshall feeling a little better. got a "soul crushing job" as a dishwasher where his girlfriend works

What a Rock Star looking guy....hey...maybe that dishwashing job is just what the universe wants him to do now.....I get my best creative ideas when I am ..vacuuming..mopping...sweeping...digging in the dirt...washing dishes...anything when my hands are busy....my Grama told me I would never go crazy as long as I dug in the dirt..(gardening)......he needed the break...he needed some healing time....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[daveydow1]

Shannon-----Thanks for the shoe poem. I had read it some time ago, and

the analogy is so true. New shoes...new heartaches.....are so painful and

uncomfortable....pinching, rubbing, and chafing. The poem tells us that

once we put them on (not something we ever want to do, of course), that

we can never take them off. Hopefully, like some new shoes, they begin

to 'soften' after some time....different times for different shoes,....and they

may be just a bit more comfortable. However it turns out for each of us

we know that we will always wear those shoes. Had to laugh about Trista's

response to her beloved Grama and the cutsie little panties. Delightful

little story. Sending prayers that your dear aunt's tests turn out ok. Peace.

LovUto the moon-----My heart goes out to you in this time of your pain

and sorrow for you loss of your dear son, 17 yrs. old. It has been so very

recent, and sometimes anything that anyone can say seems like no help

at all. I remember when I was on this journey so early on.....both times...

with my baby, Lisa, years ago......and years later when my son, David,

was killed. I just thought that nothing made any difference at all. Slowly....

ever so slowly.....there are the baby steps that we all take. I am praying

that you will continue to come to this site. Peace to you, friend.

Dee-----Those two young men.....Joel and Matt were so inspired by ERi

and the light that shone around her. It was inspirational and touching to

them, and touched their lives for all time........especially since ERi was

in their age group. Good that ERi's friends have remained close to you.

David's friends have all drifted away......we never hear anything from them

anymore, but I do know that he also touched their lives in ways.

Carol----

Cute pup !! The RED SOX windsock for Mike's birthday, and flowers

for dear Ralph are so nice. Thanks for the nice pics of all your family.

Susan----Thanks for your kind words. I agree.....we are here for each other,

and there is likely nowhere else that we can relate to people who have

suffered the loss of a dear child. We're all here in one place to help each

other, and we can come here anytime of day or night. The Grief Path can

be a lonely path to walk sometimes, and it's good to know we can come

here and share our feelings, and possibly help some other hurting soul.

Laurie------Yes.....I, so, relate to what you said about worrying about Jesse after your

baby boy died.....only to have the tragedy again. That's exactly how I felt too. Lisa

choked, aspirated, and contracted pneomonia and died. David was born 1 year later,

and we were so hyper and worried all his life. Lisa died,... and now he is gone too. I

know that you must feel the same. I can also understand your need to know....even

if it is painful.....whatever you need to find out from the woman who was there when

Jesse died. That 'need to know' is just one of the aspects that many people feel

that they must seek out. I wish you comfort now. ....and peace.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Here is David's memorial brick at a nearby metro park.

[daveydow1]

Some of the potatoes we recently dug from our garden.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

My grandma found this tonight putting away some construction paper Aiden had out. This is Trista's handwriting and definitely something I needed today. I love my Girl so much.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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