Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Me & daugher, Jasmine. There are my fancy flops! Can ya see that right big toe? Ugly

Hubby, Jerry and I.

Jerry & Jasmine. She does NOT have a broken toe!

It was good to get out, but I was soooooo happy to get back home and put my pj's on!!

I couldn't help but think what Jared would look like in a tux... brought a tear to my eye.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hey Becky....ya'll sure do dress up fine....thanks for sharing....am so glad you got some fancy flip flops to wear...and hey ....you may start a new trend !! Most women would rather be in flip flops than high heels anyway.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Here they are! The best I could do on short notice! I sat at the table at dinner, and hubby and Jasmine brought me food, so I didn't have to walk too much, and I could keep my feet hidden under the table!

[ericasmom]

The Bears Won! It was nice to be at Jon and Shan and Baby Erica's today for Jonathan's birthday. There with their friends and a few cousins...it was all good fun and a win besides. The friend of Jon's whose Daughter was diagnosed with a strange auto-immune disease is doing much better and actually going back to school tomorrow so keep those good thoughts going for Cat, that she may have a full recovery and live a happy, strong and long life.

Becky, you look very pretty in your purple and black, your bruise probably matches too. I like your flip flops, very cute. Daughter and husband looking good too. Thanks for sharing the photos. It was nice to hear that you had a good time, I am glad of this.

Susan, Laurie, Sherry, and Kate, thanks very much for the birthday wishes for my Boy. My Son is a dear, he is funny and loving and well loved.

Laurie, thanks for the link to listen and see Carol Kearns speak. I listened to some of her talk and appreciate knowing more about her.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hey Becky....ya'll sure do dress up fine....thanks for sharing....am so glad you got some fancy flip flops to wear...and hey ....you may start a new trend !! Most women would rather be in flip flops than high heels anyway.

I agree, the flip flops look smashing!!! Nice pictures of the family...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

Beautiful Family! You all look so nice. I think the flip flops were lovely but that toe still looks so sore.

Dee,

I'm glad your Son's birthday was so nice. It sounds like a great day for you.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing the video. I haven't had a chance to watch it but I want to tonight after I get Aiden settled.

Lora,

Thank you for sharing that song. It is beautiful. Trista was also never without her ipod.

Today was a day of rest for me. My husband was here early to spend time with the boys so I went back to bed. I slept late. I spent the afternoon working on Trista's garden with a cup of chai. This evening I visited a couple who lost their daughter in March of last year in a crash involving a woman going the wrong way on interstate. They had reached out to me through a card a few weeks ago, giving me their contact information. I contacted them and we sat and talked for about an hour. It was good to have people to connect with that way that live so close. They live less than three minutes from me. The woman had a couple of books she had bought for me because she said they had really helped her. It was a sweet gesture as they understand how hard this is.

The changing of the seasons is so hard. Aiden's fourth birthday is the 19th. I am having a small party for him on the 21st. It's been hard to think of celebrating but it's his birthday and he's use to me going a little overboard. I just find I have no attention span at all anymore and whenever I sit down to try to put it together I cannot focus at all. So, it's going to come together however it comes together. He will not care if his cake comes from the store.

Halloween is coming and that will be hard too. Aiden of course will want to do the things we always do so I can't just skip it. Trista loved Halloween. Every year from the time she was little she and I would work on her costume together. She never wore a store bought costume until she got older because it was too much fun for us to make them. She loved going to the pumpkin patch even as she got older. She would do it, of course, to help Aiden but she had more fun than he did. She took her pumpkin carving very seriously. When she was little we always had a party with her friends with all the gross Halloween games. As she got older She would have her friends over and we would decorate, play spooky music, and read Edgar Allen Poe. Tris loved the Raven. Then watch scary movies. I miss her so very much.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, so very glad that you connected with this couple. They are I am sure very understanding of your heartache. Sherry, how is your mom after her fall? It is a very stressful time looking after an elderly parent. Sending you wishes for a peaceful and calm recovery. Dee, so happy that today was a really nice birthday celebration. Great news about Cat! That is always what we are hoping for. Becky, glad that the party went A-OK. Your toe looked very tidy in your neat shoes. Hope everyone had a great time. Well, it was another somewhat predictable day. Heck, I'll take it. We managed to go for a lovely walk and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. Our life is centered around my husbands health and we go from day to day. Today is our anniversary. We were unable to go out to celebrate. But we had real reason to celebrate. After what happened on Wednesday we could be looking at another scenario. We enjoyed a nice dinner and are now sitting in front of the tv watching a British Mystery. Life is a mystery...enjoy it while you can. Sending love to all. Kate

[lovU2themoon]

i am feeling very anxious tonight, and i am not sure why, i feel uneasy, all out of sorts. I have cried, yelled pounded on the wall, the door, and no relief. i hate this feeling so much. i am in so much pain, i miss him so much.

Shannon, my Lane loved Halloween, last year we had a fog machine, and wooden caskets, had our placed decorated up, i am not crazy about the change of seasons either, makes me realize time is going by and i still don't get to see my boy. I am at such a loss as these days go by.

it was my nephews birthday yesterday, i could not go, Lane loved birthdays and they went bowling, i just couldn't do it, my daughter went. We had a family bowling in the winter and i just could not stand to be there without him.

and today i was alone again in my house, it is just so quiet, Lane was so talkative and always making noise with his gaming This is so tough.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sherry , Thank you for the kind words about my writing…I saw you mentioned that Saturday was hard for you too, and noticed how you mentioned it was clear and sunny…at some level it just makes me so angry that this girl took my son’s life for no reason other than her stupidity…I guess it would have been different if there were other factors…

Susan, remembering your mom on her angelversary…how many years has it been? I am sure your mom gave John David a giant hug…

Dee, glad to hear you had a nice day…sounds so lovely…and fun..

Shannon, it is good that you were able to get some rest…I too miss Jesse so much….I actually was inspired by you to put in a memorial garden at his place…I did it today…will finish it up over the next couple of weeks…I bought a memorial angel from Amazon and some memorial hearts…they were only $25…

Kate and Ross, happy anniversary!!!…nice to hear you were able to share a walk with one another and have a quiet, pleasant evening at home…

Wanda….it is so agonizing to be without our children…there are times when I am still denying this reality…my mind tells me one thing but my inner soul still screams “NO”… those anger feelings of loss… today…when I was at my son’s house…I was mad because I felt by moving him there at that house (under 3 years ago) it just was one more stepping stone in place... putting him closer to his death…I threw some rocks at its walls…. It does not matter to me if this appears rational or not… I am just mad… and I would love to crush the remaining two motorcycles my husband owns…I would spit on them afterwards…

Wishing the rest of those who come to this site, a restful evening….

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh, my dear girl...this is so new and recent for you. You are still in shock after your loss. Hold on and try to focus on the fact that you are not alone in this. We are here to hold you up through this most difficult period. I remember that at the beginning all special occasions triggered an alarm in me. I wanted to run and hide. But I was running from myself. This pain will and I honestly mean it... it will slowly begin to ease. Thinking of you tonight. Love, Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I'm thinking of you. I know this is so hard. Keep yelling and screaming all you need. It was hard for me because I have my boys here so I felt I had to hold back. I know all these first holidays, special occasions, and any sign that time is moving forward are going to be hard. I'm so new to all this but those who have been here longer do give hope. Thank you for sharing that picture of Lane. Yes, that is how Trista was too with Halloween. She loved it. I can't hide from these times because of my boys so instead I am going to get through them by honoring Tris and holding on to my memories but if it were my choice I might just skip everything this year. My cousin (who is just 3 months younger than Tris and was her first and best friend) turned 18 yesterday. I could not go. Trista missed her 18th birthday by just 20 days. I was going to try. I felt I should and I do so love this girl. I just couldn't. I'm going to have to be selfish for awhile and only do what I'm able. So many of us have anxiety. I think it is just part of this, although I know it doesn't really help to hear that.

Kate,

Happy Anniversary. I'm glad you had a nice dinner and such a lovely walk.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing a bit of your mother with us. She sounds like such a fun person.

Laurie,

I love that you are working on a garden for Jesse's space. It helps me to tend to these things. I would love to see it when it's finished.

" it just was one more stepping stone in place... putting him closer to his death"

I understand those thoughts. I have them all the time. I know it doesn't help and can't change anything but it's just where I'm at with this.

" It does not matter to me if this appears rational or not"

I'm pretty sure nothing I do appears rational right now. I'm so thankful for this place to share because you all help me to know that these feelings and things I do are so very rational for the devastating loss and pain I am experiencing.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

i have those thoughts too, i moved to a small town for a better school 3yrs ago, that meant he had to drive on the highway , Lane was killed crossing the highway......aauugghh

and i know the woulda, should coulda are not good either. because they don't change the outcome.

i think i am still in shock still numb, still screaming inside, trying to find some peace, but all i feel is more pain. like you said your head knows one thing but your heart screams another.

Kate, i hope the pain lessens...cause its almost unbearable

Shannon, i so agree with you i just can do these things, i cant put my self in some of those situations. and the holidays, i just don't know...i really would like to just jump on a plane and go away from it all.

[Sholl1955]

Wishing all a good rest tonight and a good peaceful week this week,,, Sandy'

[ericasmom]

Sandy, so good to see your name. When you have time, please update us on how life is for you right now. I miss you, I think of you often and send hope your way.

Wanda, the physical pain that goes along with the anguish of loss is overwhelming. The quiet, the empty arms, the seasons changing when our Baby is not here to witness it with us, how on earth does time continue without them? All of these firsts are incredibly hard lessons that feel like punishments pounding us. Hang on, as though we are a life saver, it is how we all climbed up on shore again, it is how we stand in the light of our Angels, through the hands that held us up in our very darkest hours.

Kate, happy anniversary, the two of you can really look at each other and see the years that have united you even further. I am glad that you had a walk on a nice fall-like day.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I remember when I first came here. Everyone on this site told me I was still in shock. I understood it but didn't realize until very recently, when I look back over the last three months, how true that was. I have very little memory of those first weeks and months. I do remember the pain. I remember calling out involuntarily, "No No No!" I still do sometimes. I am just beginning to feel as if a little fog is lifting but I have a feeling in three more months I will realize that I am still in a state of shock. I don't think it just goes away at a certain point but just slowly recedes like a fog. Thinking of you today.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, thank you so much for posting that video from Compassionate Friends! The speaker really hit home with me. Her talking about losing her young daughter so suddenly, without any warning, drug into the ocean by a rogue wave, for her to never see her again, because of how badly her body was mutilated by the time she was recovered, and how she couldn't understand how/why this could happen to such a beautiful soul.

That has been what I have struggled with, not just death, as we are born knowing it will come to us all, but the injuries that they endured, and the thought that they were hurting in those last moments. It took this woman 30 years to write her book, and to come to a place where she was able to take meaning from her daughter's death, and to apply that meaning to the rest of her life in her daughter's honor.

I have done what you are doing, Wanda, analyzed every moment that something different could have been done, and the outcome would also be different, that Jared would still be here. I remember well those first months, when simply breathing was hard to do, the sighing, the pain in your chest and stomach, the anxiety of being around other people in public, feeling like everybody else's life was moving on as if nothing had happened, while everything was changed in our lives. You feel like the world should be able to take one look at you, and know without your having to say anything, that you have experienced the greatest sadness, the greatest loss that there is.

I never realized how much I was still holding inside, until that letter came from the Dept of Justice, saying they were not able to pursue any charges against the driver. When we first lost Jared, I was so in shock, that people must surely have thought I was either crazy or the strongest faith filled person they had ever known. From the outside, I must have seemed to have it together, planning the funeral, even singing at his funeral, and all the months since that my family and I have been involved in trying to reduce the speed limit in our rural neighborhood, adopting this section of the roadway in his honor, getting involved in trying to establish and open container law in our state, and a law that would allow testing across the board on any driver that kills someone, not just the commercial drivers, and of course trying to address the texting and driving issue that we really feel was the cause of her distraction.

I have cried enough tears since those early weeks to seemingly fill an ocean, but the scream that didn't come from me on that first night, came when I read that letter, and realized that all my efforts would not bring justice for my son, or publicly tell the rest of the story of what happened. This Friday, we will meet with the Dept of Justice, and be allowed to ask whatever questions we still have for them. I hope they have set aside hours, because I plan to address how their investigation was handled (mis-handled) from the very beginning, how cold they have been to me and my family, and how they displayed more empathy for the driver than they have ever shown to us. I want them to get their heads out of whatever rule book or law book, or training manual they have it in, and realize that this is not a complaint about someone knocking over my mailbox, that this was my baby, my youngest son.

My thoughts are with all of you today.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I finally was able to watch the video. Thank you for posting it. I cried through much of it because it touched on so many feelings.

Becky,

I'm glad you will have the opportunity, at the very least, to ask all the questions you need to ask. Take as many hours as you need and make them accountable to answer you. I do want to tell you that you have been an inspiration to me.

"I have done what you are doing, Wanda, analyzed every moment that something different could have been done, and the outcome would also be different, that Jared would still be here."

I do this too.

Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I never realized how much I was still holding inside, until that letter came from the Dept of Justice, saying they were not able to pursue any charges against the driver. When we first lost Jared, I was so in shock, that people must surely have thought I was either crazy or the strongest faith filled person they had ever known. From the outside, I must have seemed to have it together, planning the funeral, even singing at his funeral, and all the months since that my family and I have been involved in trying to reduce the speed limit in our rural neighborhood, adopting this section of the roadway in his honor, getting involved in trying to establish and open container law in our state, and a law that would allow testing across the board on any driver that kills someone, not just the commercial drivers, and of course trying to address the texting and driving issue that we really feel was the cause of her distraction.

I have cried enough tears since those early weeks to seemingly fill an ocean, but the scream that didn't come from me on that first night, came when I read that letter, and realized that all my efforts would not bring justice for my son, or publicly tell the rest of the story of what happened. This Friday, we will meet with the Dept of Justice, and be allowed to ask whatever questions we still have for them. I hope they have set aside hours, because I plan to address how their investigation was handled (mis-handled) from the very beginning, how cold they have been to me and my family, and how they displayed more empathy for the driver than they have ever shown to us. I want them to get their heads out of whatever rule book or law book, or training manual they have it in, and realize that this is not a complaint about someone knocking over my mailbox, that this was my baby, my youngest son.

I too thought what Carol said was so healing for those of us facing loss...and that her words are not shallow, but are borne from her own pain and struggles with grief...

Thought you might find this article of interest

http://www.northjers...auto_death.html

I am facing the same with Jesse's death...they did not automatically drug test the driver with a blood test...for me, I am going to pursue this after I am more healed...my thought that this needs to be a national recommendation for states to adopt a law like this:

"In the case of a fatality(ties) of a driver, pedestrian, and/or other occupants of involved crash vehicles, all drivers of the vehicles involved in the crash will submit to a blood test for a complete drug and alcohol screening, this is to be done even if driver(s) is/are comatose/deceased and testing is to be done immediately...law enforcement will not be allowed to waive this required drug/alcohol testing of the drivers and it must be completed with a certified blood test by a qualified health professional. This applies even if death occurs at later time as a result from the said accident."

Some states have laws like this, but they have loopholes....all these loopholes need to be closed...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....I started watching the video....but will do so later....thank you for sharing all that you are gathering on your journey....as I have stated.....these things are not innate...and can only be learned by sharing.....

This thought came to me as I started watching the video.....

The only thing worse than losing a child....is to lose....two.

I have now been given another layer of empathy...another layer of 'knowledge'....by all the ones who come to this site and 'share from their heart'......

I am humbled ....

I have gratitude for what you bring to me on this journey....that has no map....and I still don't know the destination...

Also....in my world as it is now.....2 plus 2 is still not 4.

[lovU2themoon]

"I have done what you are doing, Wanda, analyzed every moment that something different could have been done, and the outcome would also be different, that Jared would still be here. I remember well those first months, when simply breathing was hard to do, the sighing, the pain in your chest and stomach, the anxiety of being around other people in public, feeling like everybody else's life was moving on as if nothing had happened, while everything was changed in our lives. You feel like the world should be able to take one look at you, and know without your having to say anything, that you have experienced the greatest sadness, the greatest loss that there is.

Becky, this is exactly how i feel...and i am so sad so very very sad, i can hardly breath, i hate going to bed i hate waking up, i hate the sadness....and the heartbreak...i am so lost... i miss him so much..

[Guest]

..

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes...many on this site will have that 'Year of Hard First Times'....

Lora...yes...I guess we have to realize when those 'break down days' come on...just to give in to it...and I woke up Sunday feeling good....

Wanda....we all know what you are going through...and there is just nothing...nothing that can make this anything but the hardest thing a parent can go through..there is no magic pill one can take...there is not a word in the English language can make it softer...there is not a book that can make rhyme or reason of the 'WHY' question...and the events that roll over and over like a movie reel in your thoughts....there just isn't a happy ending to this movie. The sleepless nights...feeling like a zombie all day....numb and feeling as if all is surreal....is the common thread. We will offer what we have learned...and that is simply to be as gentle...very kind...very considerate of YOURSELF. Give yourself a cup of tea...a bowl of soup....whatever that you think would be a great gift to yourself...as in a warm blanket...and rest...and rest...and rest. You have suffered a great shock..and the greatest loss a parent can have. Yes..it hurts so bad you can hardly breathe...I called it 'coming up for air' when I thought I would pass out. Panic attacks are the result of the great amount of stress on your heart...nervous system...your brain...really...these are facts. That is why to take it one hour at a time....try not to think too far ahead of time....for you will need to take it one day at a time. That is how many on this site could make it....one hour...one day...at a time.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mindful of you...every hour of every day....I miss you, John David...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

"In the case of a fatality(ties) of a driver, pedestrian, and/or other occupants of involved crash vehicles, all drivers of the vehicles involved in the crash will submit to a blood test for a complete drug and alcohol screening, this is to be done even if driver(s) is/are comatose/deceased and testing is to be done immediately...law enforcement will not be allowed to waive this required drug/alcohol testing of the drivers and it must be completed with a certified blood test by a qualified health professional. This applies even if death occurs at later time as a result from the said accident."

Some states have laws like this, but they have loopholes....all these loopholes need to be closed...

The beginning would need to say 'in the case of a fatality or serious injury', as a serious injury can result in death, often much later. Many states have laws like this that cover commercial drivers, but not for the average driver. My point, when I addressed this with my state legislators, was that, regardless of the type of vehicle or driver, the victim is still the victim, and as such, ANY driver involved should be tested! DE is very slow to respond. It will be yet another question that I will ask of the State Attorney General on Friday!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

That is beautiful tribute to John David. I love the poem.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/16/us/dc-navy-yard-gunshots/

12 killed in shooting rampage in Washington. Whole naval compound is on lock-down.

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan,

That is beautiful tribute to John David. I love the poem.

Thank you, Shannon....Gretchen posted it some time ago...and I used it in the service on the boat when we 'Blessed and scattered' his ashes....I also took poems from Dee that I shared.....and the Hebrew prayer chant was said...will post that later.....

You have a beautiful spirit....and a strong one....and that is why Trista was 'what she was'.....I remember last year...at this time...I felt I had the 'what is the use in doing anything' kind of attitude....for nothing meant anything anymore...and nothing had value or anything to sustain me.......Halloween is just the 'funnest' time for our family....yes..the fun of making the homemade costumes..decorating...the movies...and here in Brenham my house is centrally located...so...we have lots of food and snacks...and my daughter and family plus her friends and children...grandparents all gather at my house....one year I even had some young families to come I had never met before but they had been invited...for the kids have so much fun in Trick-r-Treating with friends...I welcome everyone..but last year....I first decided not to do anything...not even decorate....but my Pebbie...who just turned 10 asked me when we could start decorating.....my heart just fell to the ground....how could I NOT do it for Pebbie...I had to put that foot out there....I could not make my other children and GRANDchildren feel anymore loss.....and it is hard...to carry on...but the traditions can help us fashion a structure again....your boys need you to keep their world together....and I think you are doing a super human job of it all. Do you have Mother's Day Out at any of the churches there....Jeremy was born so late behind the others....he was the only one to go...but he loved it.....and that way the 4 year old can have social time and playmates....just a thought....and you could get some of that rare alone time...that can only sustain you. How is the 14 year old doing? That is such a tough age...does he go to school...or do you home school him ? Just take very, very good care of yourself....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

It was good to see your post. I've been thinking of you. I'm glad you're feeling better and were able to go to that soccer game.

I saw this online today. I don't feel strong most days but I am able to do this much.

[Guest]

.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

Beautiful. I'm so glad you got that rainbow from Cara. When I listened to that song after you posted it, that line is the one that stuck with me. That is so perfect. She is safe.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for everyone's kind words here...holding my hand when I needed it...and listening with your hearts...

I am quickly going down the slippery slope heading toward the first year mark...in a little more than four weeks "it" will arrive...then to endure the Saturday before when he told me his life was going to be "Short"...

I almost have Jesse's memorial garden completed by his home...only waiting for the angel statue and hearts to add...

Wishing everyone a decent evening...may His angels be close...

Lora, it is a very touching song....I cried...

[ericasmom]

Lora, love the song and I especially LOVE that Cara gave you a rainbow, a rainbow for you to know that she is doing Great and always loving you, always near. Lovely. A few years back maybe less, someone here posted that song and I weep, it is a hard one to be sure, but lovely.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I hate this. I just want my daughter back. I want to be strong for my boys and I will. I just am so angry and sad. I feel like I’ve been deserted during the most painful time any parent could ever have to go through. I just want my daughter back.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone, for your lovely Anniversary wishes! Oh my, where did the time go? We did indeed have a quiet and lovely day. I am just happy that he is still here beside me sitting comfortably in his fav chair. Today was a better day and we are keeping our fingers crossed for good results from the upcoming tests. Thinking of everyone and sending loving wishes for a peaceful sleep tonight. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Peaceful night to you to Kate.

Shanon, that want and need for your Girl to be back here is a strong one, and no matter the wishing and pleading and bargaining, we end up with no physical aspect of our Kids, but certainly, many signs. I know it is not enough, I know it pales in comparison to the GIRL of your dreams, but it is evidence of her ever-strong spirit and her undying love for her momma.

I know that the loss of support from the three you mentioned has got to feel like more abandonment, it is in many ways, but some of the folks in our lives that find the door, do so because we cannot deal with their crap anymore. Some are passive aggressive folks who make each issue one that is 'yours' never their own. We don't need more passive aggressive people in our lives, so finding the door is in the long run, a good thing, in the short run however, it is one more person taking leave. I am sorry for the lack of support and for being let down so many times. I sure get it.

Laurie, yes, that slippery slope indeed. It does feel like that and I often begin to feel the anniversary a month or so before the date. That first year? Well I felt panicky and at a loss for an idea for the day. Some do better knowing that there are plans in place for that day, others need to play it by ear adn see what the day seems like before making plans. Either way, it is a difficult day but usually more difficult building up to it rather than the day itself.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky, I saw that yet another shooting. It breaks my heart, I am not sure what is happening to our world. Keeping them all in my prayers.

I asked Cara this morning to show me a sign that she is doing okay. As I left the cemetery tonight on my way home from work, she did not let me down. That song I posted yesterday that she liked had this verse in it,

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors

When I saw the rainbow it made me think of that verse and I smiled, she is safe.

For some reason on my phone they upload sideways but you can see the rainbow.

I guess I missed the post and song Lora....what was it...?? I am not techno savvy...sorry...but I do want to know 'your and Cara's song'...for sure...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I know everything you said is right. I guess I just needed to get it out. I know Tris is with me in her "new" ways. I see and feel her all around. I know she wants me to be strong and take care of her brothers and myself. And she is here showing me her love and helping me along. I am better off without added negativity in my life. But you're right it does feel like abandonment in a lot of ways.

Laurie,

I'm thinking of you during this time. I'm sure Jesse's Memorial Garden will be beautiful. I know this has to be a really hard time.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I’m sorry for ranting. ... I just want my daughter back.

Shannon

It is okay to rant...we all have these deep dark moments....

I offer my hand to you tonight to hold...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It is okay to rant...we all have these deep dark moments....

I offer my hand to you tonight to hold...

Thank you so much, Laurie. I made a cup of tea and I'm going to light a candle for my Angel and read awhile.

[ericasmom]

Shannon, you are strong, I think what folks in your situation lack is that time to let yourself have a meltdown. YOu always have to be there for the kids, a good thing, but it also is a hard thing because you can't let it all out when you need to. As far as ranting, we have to rant, it is how we actually can put into words the consequences of all this loss, we have to scream, rant, melt down, and none of that means we are not strong. As I have said in the past, anyone who faces life without one of her children is strong beyond measure, way stronger than we ever wanted to know. The boys know that you are sad, they need to know that anyway to allow their own sadness to be free. Keeping it in check in order to find that balance sounds like the hardest thing to do. YOu should be very proud.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I agree with Dee. It is hard to try to find some kind of balance when going through this. Every day is a challenge to just try to get through at the beginning. Venting is necessary to release some of the pain. Keeping it all bottled up will only lead to health issues that will only further add to the complication of this whole mess. Yelling, screaming, etc. is common. I remember walking into the site one day on a very windy day. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore was deafening. My husband sat on the bench looking out over the water. I turned back and walked down the path a bit and then looked up at the sky and yelled as loud as I could. "Jeff, where are you?" My pain seemed beyond bearable. As it turned out my husband did not even hear that loud call of anguish as it was silenced by the waves. My sense of loss was as strong as those waves were crashing against the shore. I felt as if every ounce of my being was being put to the test. And it was. It has taken several years to learn to rebuild a new life again without my dear boy in it. I too was let down by my family that simply could or would not allow themselves to take any responsibility for moral support. I was left to grieve alone. And I certainly did. But I can honestly say that as Colleen mentioned not long ago...after a period of time...and we are all different as to that time frame...the pain will ease and you will begin to find joy again in your life. This is how it should be. This is how Tris would want your life to continue. You see, she is not gone forever. Just for a period of time. You will see her again. So hold on to that fact and allow yourself time to heal. Hugs to you today. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mindful of you...every hour of every day....I miss you, John David...

Beautiful poem Susan...and what a nice picture of your son John David....what a heart of gold...

....sometimes I wonder...as I said before I do not believe in coincidence...I am so thankful that I have had the wonderful group of people here that have helped me...it would be so difficult for many of us right now to really find any one who understands this walk of grief and what it truly means...

[ericasmom]

Thinking of you All with love and hope.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thinking of you All with love and hope.

Dee....how did your 2nd year go ?

[ericasmom]

It was tough in a different way than the first year Susan. I WAS more functional but some folks say the opposite. I was more able to see the road I was on, more able to feel hope but the lows were very low. Very low but I didn't stay down as long. So I would say that no year was ever as horrid as that first year, but there were pitfalls along the way for a few years, and still certain things or dates or occurances will bring me to that place where I need to isolate and just cry adn be alone for a time.

Seasonal change that first and second year were very hard on my spirit, each season bringing to mind and heart the activities I shared with my kids over the years and how now, those memories have an endpoint. Not a line but a line segment. Halloween? Oh my how Eri loved it, that first one was difficult but knowing how she loved it forced me out into it in full Eri-mode..

love to all,

[lovU2themoon]

My daughter and i went to our local Compassionate Friends group, there was only us and the lady who runs it. It had been 28 years since she had lost her 6 yr old daughter.she did try to add some insight, but she had lost her husband of 47 yrs in April, so that grief was still very raw. so the grief she felt for her daughters passing was overshadowed by her husbands passing. We left feeling more sad then when we got there, because i will never share 47 years with anyone, and she talked about sharing the loss of her daughter with her husband...and thats what she missed the most...

i dont know how i am ever going to feel anything but pain for my son, i struggle every day to make some sense out of this.

I have a million (or so it seems) grief books, and my heart hurts sooo bad, i miss my Laney every second.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. YIKES !! I'm too far behind with the

posts....I'll never catch up !

Laurie----That would be a good law, if it is ever passed. The wheels

of justice grind along so slowly as so many of us whose child was

killed by impaired drivers...knows. I believe that when someone causes a

fatal crash.....killing others....then the charge should definitely NOT

be in the misdemeanor catagory, as it is in many cases now.

"Misdemeanor vehicular homicide' should be thrown out....as it is

in some states. I believe N.J. charges a more serious charge when

someone is impaired.....whatever the cause of the impairment.....

that kills someone else in the process of their neglegence.

Becky-----Thanks for the beautiful pics of you, your husband, and

daughter, Jasmine. Love the flip flops !

PEACE AND PRAYERS FOR ALL.

I have many things to get done, so am signing off for now.

Sherry

[Guest]

.

[Sholl1955]

"You will either get Better or Bitter, it is YOUR choice" I have had this said to me and over the past several weeks have seen it written in different places. Is it true? I have a job that requires that I be competent, compassionate and very involved with people, hurting people. I have a husband that I have been married to for 38 years who is in the grips of a disease that doesn't allow him to be able to comfort me. My youngest daughter, and my sister have pulled away and told me that they cannot grieve with me, that they have their own lives and families they are busy with and that we can't grieve together. The two people that I believed would be by my side and I theirs forever. I have two little granddaughters who are the love of my life who make me laugh, but also need lots of love, comfort and reassurance when they miss Mama which is very often. Am I Bitter because all of this hurts so much? It has been a year and a half since Sarah left us, am I Bitter because the pain is still so raw? Am I Bitter because my daughter lays in a grave without a stone or anything that says her body is there? Has she been forgotten so soon? Am I Bitter because after all of the caring is done, I still cry, alone every night. It feels like pain to me..... but maybe I am fooling myself, and I really am Bitter. Sandy