Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Messenger,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,and his battle with cancer,and at such a young age.My husband is also battling cancer,he has had it since 2002,he survived through,rectal,then liver,and now it has traveled to lung,such a awful disease.I hope you continue to come to B.I.,for support,it is a wonderful site,and everyone here is like family.I was lucky to find this site after the loss of my son Nathan,on his 21st birthday,Jan31,2005.When did your son pass..You will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,starting up a group would be a great idea,i went to one here,it was held in a senior manor,so maybe you could ask around at places like that,also maybe if you went in person to ask,because it is harder to refuse someone face to face,when you write a letter they don't have to answer back.Right now John and i meet with another couple who loss their son in april,that was set up by our councilor.Another idea is to put ad in small neighbor hood paper and then decide where you want to meet once you get responses...Good luck,hope it works out for you ,it really helps to talk with others,that walk this same path and really understand how we feel...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[messenger]

DEAR KATHY714,,,,THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS. I HATED TO HEAR THE DEATH OF YOUR SON IS STILL...BEING INVESTIGATED...............THAT HAS TO BE SO HARD NOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM............OUR SON DIED JUNE 16 OF 05...HE HAD JUST MOVED HOME TO SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER........HE MOVED HOME JUNE 14 AND DIED 7:30 THE 16TH,. WHAT A SHOCK..WE THOUGHT WE HAD 6 MONTHS TO TALK ABOUT " THINGS" BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS.............

I AM SO VERY SORRY YOUR HUSBAND HAS CANCER.......I HAD BREAST CANCER IN 03 AND KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO GO THRU SUCH A TERRIBLE DISEASE....THE MAIN WORD YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND "NEED " TO KEEP IN YOUR VOCABULARY IS HOPE............NEVER EVER GIVE UP AND ATTITUDE IS THE BIGGEST THING IN SURVIVING CANCER.....TRY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ONE..I KNOW IT IS HARD WITH IT GOING TO DIFFERENT AREAS...I WILL KEEP YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY PRAYERS. GOD BLESS

[erinnzmom]

Messenger,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Will you tell us more about him? This is a safe place and we love to hear about each others children. Here they aren't forgotten. You will find that some people are to uncomfortable to talk about your son in the mistaken belief that it will cause you to cry. They don't get that we're going to cry anyway and that we need to talk about our children. Beyond Indigo is a life saver.. I wish I had found it sooner.

Hugs and prayers

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[messenger]

FIRST OF ALL..THANK ALL OF YOU FOR CARING THOUGHTS AND FOR REPLYING...WE CAN ALL HELP EACH OTHER...I HAVE A POEM..I HAD READ AT THE GRAVEYARD........IT WAS STRANGE..THE DAY JAMES WAS DYING..HE HAD BEEN DOING SO WELL..AN OLDER MAN FRIEND OFTHE FAMILY BROUGHT IT OVER...JAMES NEVER GOT TO SEE THE POEM OR CARD..I OPENED IT AS HE WAS DYING.....................TEAR JERKER....THE MAN..JIM SAID..YOU KNOW WE DONT KNOW ONE OF US MAY NOT BE HERE TOMORROW.......HE ONLY HAS 10 PERCENT OF HIS HEART..THINKING IT WOULD BE HIM......AND IT ENDED UP BEING MY JAMES...IT WAS VERY TOUCHING..THE MINISTER READ IT AND A LARGE BUTTERFLY WHICH SEVERAL SAW...FLEW OUT FROM UNDER THE TENT...

JAMES WAS A VERY STRONG CHRISTIAN..HE HAD HODGKINS LYMPHOMA,,,FOUND OUT ON HIS 21ST BIRTHDAY..WENT THRU CHEMO..RADIATION,,,ALL LOOKED GOOD FOR A YEAR AND BACK AGAIN.....WENT THRU STEM CELL ..USING HIS CELLS...I HAD ASKED DR..ABOUT USING OWN ...I DIDNT SEE HOW THAT COULD WORK....NOT TO WORRY WAS REPLY.....THEY TAKE YOU TO DEATHS DOOR AND HOPE....YOU WILL COME OUT OF IT...WELL IT WAS BACK ..OVER AND OVER...THEY HAD FOUND DONOR SPRING OF 05 TO DO STEM CELL..JAMES WAS SO EXCITED...................ONLY TO FIND OUT THE RADIATION HAD BURNT HIS LUNGS AND HE HAD NO LUNGS LEFT..THAT IS WHAT ACTUALLY KILLED HIM...NOT THE CANCER..ALTHOUGH HIS VOICE WAS JUST A FAINT WHISPER...IN LAST MONTH.....I WILL NEVER FORGET...WE HAD TOLD EACH OTHER..WHOEVER GOES FIRST...............WE WILL...LET THE OTHER KNOW WE ARE OK AND STILL WITH EACH OTHER...I HAD MENTIONED IT TO JAMES AS WE SPENT OUR FINAL MOMENTS BEFORE THE FUNERAL HOME CAME...I TURNED TO GO TO WINDOW...AND I HEARD JAMES IN A VERY CLEAR VOICE........SAY.....................MOM....................I TURNED AROUND AND SAID WHAT JAMES..TO REALIZE HE WAS GONE..BUT....STILL WITH ME ~~!!!!!!

KNOW THEY ARE NOT GONE JUST CHANGED LOCATIONS~~

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CHILD AND ALL OF YOU SO I CAN BECOME FAMILIAR WITH YOU AND HOPEFULLY HELP SOME OF YOU...

I WILL FIND POEM AND WRITE LATE TONITE.

[briansdad]

To all my friends here.My son Brian and I loved to fish together.I had sold my boat about 2 months before Brian died.Had to, didn't want to.Well, here 2 years later it sits back in the garage.I bought it back.I have a little piece of my boy back.His daughter was soo happy I have it again.

What I really wanted to post about though is this. I have a bereaved parents handbook written by a dear lady I met at the Bereaved Parents National Gathering.It's a collection of articles she has written for various bereaved newsletters.It could be very helpful.I have it in PDF format although it is a big file I'd be glad to send it to any of you if your e-mail allows it.If not e-mail me and I'll send you a hard copy.

Take care

[donosmom]

Briansdad I would love to have the collection. My email is marylebeau@msn.com. I can only imagine how good it is to have the boat back what wonderful memories.

This Saturday Matthew's Tae Kwon Do school will be having the 3rd Matt LeBeau Memorial Tournament. It is wonderful to go and have his students come up to us with big smiles, hugs and they always have a Matt story. The "little people" as Matthew called his little dragons and younger students just have a natural way and understanding it seems. They aren't afraid to speak his name and recall some of their fondess memories of Matthew.

[daveydow1]

For Messenger,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, James.

27 is so young. I'm sorry that all the treatments

he underwent were so painful. My son, Davey, age 31

died 6/14/03 when his car was crushed by a runaway

semi truck (the driver asleep at the wheel). I hope that

you will return to BI. Everyone here has been so

understanding and helpful to me and so many of us

who are on this unwanted hard road we must travel.

May you find comfort in the love you and your son

have for each other. The love always remains.

Peace be with you.

[messenger]

daveydow1

I TOO AM SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR SONS LOSS......................HOW TRAGIC..............MY DAD THE GUY HE WAS RIDING WITH AND THE LADY WHO FELL ASLEEP...ALL 3 WERE KILLED WHEN I WAS 10.........SO I KINDA HAVE AN IDEA ABOUT YOUR SONS ACCIDENT.....HOW ARE YOU DOING??? IT IS HARD........AND TALKING WITH OTHERS IS HOW WE LEARN TO COPE WITH IT..SOME WANT TO HIDE IT AND ACT AS THOUGH IT NEVER HAPPENED..I KNOW MANY IN MY FAMILY THINK I AM NUTS BECAUSE I TALK TO MY SON DAILY..KISS HIS PICTURE EVERY MORNING..I DONT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT BUT THEY THINK I TALK ABOUT HIM TOO MUCH.....................I DONT THINK YOU ....CAN...TALK ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH................IT HELPS TO KEEP THEIR SPIRIT ALIVE..THEY ARE WITH YOU STILL!!

WE CAN ALL HELP EACH OTHER..WHAT BETTER THERAPY ..THEN TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THRU IT?????????I WILL LIFT YOU UP IN MY PRAYERS AS WELL AS ALL OF YOU ON BI..................MAY THE GOOD LORD WRAP HIS LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU ALL AND FILL YOUR HEARTS WITH PEACE...I WILL BE BACK....

[messenger]

HERE IS THE POEM..I PROMISED YOU...I HOPE IT HELPS YOU..............HAVE A KLEENEX OR 2 READY BEFORE YOU READ IT...........

I STOOD BESIDE YOUR BED LAST NITE

I STOOD BESIDE YOUR BED LAST NITE.

I CAME TO HAVE A PEEP

I COULD SEE THAT YOUR WERE CRYING

QUIETLY IN YOUR SLEEP.

I TOUCHED YOU SOFTLY AS YOU BRUSHED AWAY A TEAR,

"ITS ME I HAVENT LEFT YOU, IM WELL, IM FINE, IM HERE"

I WATCHED YOU POUR YOU COFFEE,

YOU WERE THINKING OF HOW MUCH YOU WERE IN "LOVE"WITH ME.

I WAS WITH YOU AT THE STORE TODAY, YOUR ARMS WERE GETTING SORE.

I LONGED TO TAKE YOUR PARCELS, I WISH I COULD DO MORE.

I WAS WITH YOU AT MY GRAVE TODAY, YOU TEND IT WITH SUCH CARE.

I WANT TO REASSURE YOU, THAT IM NOT REALLY THERE.

I WALKED WITH YOU TO THE HOUSE AS YOU FUMBLED FOR THE KEY.

I GENTLY PUT MY HAND ON YOU, I SMILED AND SAID, "IT'S ME."

YOU LOOKED SO VERY TIRED, AND SANKINTO A CHAIR.

I TRIED SO HARD TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT I WAS STANDING THERE.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE SO NEAR YOU EVERYDAY.

TO SAY TO YOU WITH CERTAINTY, "I NEVER WENT AWAY."

YOU SAT THERE VERY QUIETLY, THEN SMILED, I THINK YOU KNEW....

IN THE STILLNESS OF THE EVENING, I WAS VERY CLOSE TO YOU .

THE DAY IS OVER...I SMILE AND WATCH YOU YAWNING AND SAY

"GOOD NIGHT, GOD BLESS, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING."

AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR YOU TO CROSS THE BRIEF DIVIDE,

I'LL RUSH ACROSS TO GREET YOU AND WE'LL STAND, SIDE BY SIDE.

I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SHOW YOU,THERE IS SO MUCH FOR YOU TO SEE.

BE PATIENT, LIVE YOUR JOURNEY OUT THEN COME HOME TO BE WITH ME..

I APOLOGIZE FOR MY LACK OF TYPING SKILLS AND LACK OF COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE..

HOPE YOU WERE ABLE TO READ IT OK..?? GOD BLESS MAY THIS HELP SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS HURTING TONITE.............

[abdwybabe]

I am sorry for all of you in your losses and offer my prayers. I lost my son, Keith, just before his 24th birthday and his sisters 22nd birthday (they had birhtdays 3 days apart and always celebrated together) to a drunk driver on March 27, 2004.

I need not tell you how I feel as you all know. It's a hard "club" to belong to. Bless you all.

www.keithlacava.net

[messenger]

abdwybabe

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS TO......NONE OF US KNOWS WHY WE HAD TO LOSE OUR CHILDREN TO DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.................MAYBE WE ARE TO HELP OTHERS ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ARE GOING THRU THE SAME THING...LIKE FOR INSTANCE YOU ARE TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE LOST CHILDREN TO A DRUNK DRIVER...MYSELF THOSE WHO HAVE LOST THEIR CHILD TO CANCER ETC..BUT WE ALL CAN BE SUPPORTIVE..........IN HELPING EACH OTHER WITH THE LOSS OF OUR CHILDREN BY JUST BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER..ESPECIALLY ON THE BAD DAYS...WHEN NO ONE ON THE OUTSIDE WANTS TO HEAR IT AND THINK WE DWELL TOO MUCH ON SUBJECT.........

I WILL ADD YOU TO MY LIST OF PRAYERS GOD BLESS YOU...

[julsmom]

messenger and abdwbabe, I am sorry for your losses. Our 27 y/o daughter died in a one car crash on 10/13/03. This site has helped me get through a lot. May you and your families find peace. Lynda

[julsmom]

To my friends who hear and see messages from their loved ones: I sometimes have a hard time, since I don't feel that Julie is contacting me or perhaps as I often did when she was alive, I am distracted and not listening like I should. Here is my story from yesterday, hopefully you can shed some insight on it. My husband has a favorite nationwide men's clothing store that he shops in. Obviously, Julie has bought clothes for her father there. Yesterday, we went to a branch that was opened after Julie died and this will be important, we do not believe she bought her dad anything in the 4 months she was alive when we had our current phone number. As the clerk rang up our items, she asked for our phone number and when I gave it to her she said "Julie Lynn" (her complete name). We were floored. I told her to remove the name as she was deceased. But for the life of us we cannot figure how her name and our phone number are connected. I would like to think she is reaching out to us and maybe I should. It was just so strange. As I have posted we are in the middle of a move to be closer to our surviving son and as we open and repack boxes we are often "blindsided" by things related to her. But this came completely out of the blue. Sorry for such a long posting. Thanks for being here. Peace to all. Lynda

[briansdad]

julsmom,

You need to take things like that for what they are.Signs!!!! I used to doubt my wife about the pennies but I have to tell you that I have found them in so many odd places that it has to be Brian.I find many of them around his daughter.Just today I went to see a new school his daughter will be going to and we were in the adim. office talking to a lady about the classes and fees and such.I look down and there right by Alyssa's foot is a penny.Daddy?? You bet it is. I know it is. I found a penny in our refrigerator on a shelf under a bottle of sauce.You tell me how a penny gets in there.

I really think our kids are around more than we know.

[ashleysmom]

Lynda, I agree with Briansdad, A wonderful sign from Julie. What a perfect time for that sign, as you are getting ready to move. Maybe her way of saying, "Way to go Mom and Dad" For moving closer to your son. It would be so much harder for me if my daughter didn't live so close. My granddaughter is a great distraction. I was a little afraid to love so much again, but I can't help it and that is a great thing. I hope your move does this for you. I will be praying for you and your family. Keep you eyes and your mind open for those signs, I'm sure they'll keep coming. Love, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Messenger and abdwybabe, I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. This is such a brutal journey we must take. Not one we want or would have chosen and one that we would give anything to get away from. You have come to the right place. This has been a lifesaver for me. My daughter Ashley died July 4, 2004 in a single car accident. She will forever be 18.

Messenger, Thank you for sharing the poem, it is beautiful.

Peace to all, Dottie

[Artina]

Messenger and abdwybabe,

I too am very sorry for your loss. Beyond Indigo is a great support group. I have been part of this site for over four years. I lost my my son on January 4, 2002 from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident- he was just 19. BI walked side by side with me. I don't think I would have found my way, to where I am today, without the support of the parents on Beyond Indigo. Please know that you are welcome to give and take from this site.

Lynda,

I just wanted to make note that there aren't too many ways the other side can get through to us... and electronics seems to be the best avenue since we are made up of energy. Plus, no matter what, Julie is saying "hello" in some way, because you FEEL she is. This incident speaks for itself no matter if one believes or not.

Peace to you, Tina

[messenger]

TO ALL OF YOU ....I DO BELIEVE OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS GIVE US SIGNS..AFTER THEY LEAVE US...........MY SON AND I PROMISED EACH OTHER..BOTH OF US HAVING CANCER THAT WHICHEVER WENT FIRST THE OTHER WOULD LET THEM KNOW ..THEY ARE STILL AROUND......I REMINDED OUR SON AFTER HE WAS GONE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS AND THE HEARSE WAS ON THE WAY...........HE COULD ONLY WHISPER AT THE END......TUMOR IN VOICE BOX AND LUNGS GONE FROM RADIATION DAMAGE...........................AFTER REMINDING HIM.I TURNED AROUND AND WENT TO HIS WINDOW...AND HEARD HIM SAY IN A LOUD CLEAR..............VOICE................MOM.........................I TURNED AROUND TO ASK WHAT JAMES AND REALIZED HE WAS LETTING ME KNOW RIGHT THERE..IT IS NOT THE END AND THEY ARE STILL...WITH US...ALSO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND I HAVE 4 COLORED BOTTLES HANGING IN WINDOW..I SAW ONE START TO SWING...I SHOWED MY HUSBAND..PRETTY SOON ALL WERE SWINGING....................THERE WAS NO CIRCULATION IN OUR KITCHEN TO MAKE THEM MOVE..THAT TOO WE FEEL WAS HIM AS WAS THE COLOGNE IN THE CAR...I SMELLED OVERWHELMING ONE DAY..MY HUSBAND DOUBTED ME AND WE WENT IN ANOTHER STORE ..SMELL GONE AND IT CAME BACK WITH A VENGENCE!!! SHOWING DAD HE WAS HERE WITH US AND OLD MOM WAS NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL!!!!

WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP EACH OTHER..SO GLAD I CLICKED ON

I WILL KEEP YOU ALL IN MY PRAYERS

[bellpa827]

To Brians Dad, I would like to have that file you have. I ampbll369006@comcast.net thank you, James' mom

[donosmom]

Has anyone had serious problems with a sibling after their brother or sister died? My youngest daughter took a credit card and some cash from my wallet and my husbands, when we confronted her she denied it but later came to the house while we were gone and got all her things and left the credit card and a note telling us that she is a drug addict. I have no idea where she is, she won’t answer her phone and I don’t know what to do. She has always been a challenge and Matthew was always able to reach her when no one else could. She has suffered so much with his death.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-03

[kirksdad]

Mary, siblings suffer greatly when they lose a sibling, especially in their teens, younger years. Our daughter was devastated, and now after 6 years still has issues that are hard to resolve. She said something to us one time, she told us, "Kirk was suppose to be with her the rest of her life, someone there to grow old with." Now she is by herself, thinking she would have him around to help her out.

It really does hurt them. If your daughter went to Matthew for help, and he was there for her, she is missing that. Keep trying to get her, and help her, that is all you can do. Be there for her, but know that she has the control over her life now and has to make decisions, hopefully they will be good ones. I wish we could control that, but you know how that goes.

[lorismom]

Messenger – Thank you for sharing that lovely poem. It was beautiful.

Julsmom – Lynda ……I think that your “Julie Lynn” sent you a beautiful sign to comfort you. I hope all goes well for you in your upcoming move. Also, I have a niece whose name is Julie Lynn and she too lost her beautiful daughter a few years ago to leukemia at the age of 9.

Abdwybabe – I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Keith. I lost my daughter, Lori, on May 3, 2004 in a car accident just a few weeks after you lost your son. As you said, it’s a hard “club” to belong to, but please feel welcome to read/post whenever you need to.

Erinnzmom – Laurie…..Thinking of you as you approach Erinn’s angel date…….July 30th. I know that the days leading up to it can be quite difficult……sometimes harder than the actual day itself. I hope some beautiful memories of your Erinn will bring you some comfort.

Take care,

Patty

[kathy714]

Dear Donosmom,i think it is really hard on siblings,i had only the two boys,so now my other son Kevin is a only child,and i really think that bothers him,plus he feels guilty,because he is 7 years older than Nate,and they had a period where they didn't get along,and now Nathan was getting older so they were building there relationship again when this all happened.I notice my son Kevin seems to drink more now that Nate is gone and when he drinks,he talks alot about Nate ,and how it's not fair,and a lot of i should of's.How old is your daughter,if she is a teen,that is challening enough,never mind throwing the loss of a sibling into the mix,the best thing to do is try to get her help,if she is young enough,where you still are responsible for her try to get her into some kind of rehap,where she can get a lot of support,she might hate you now for it but will thank you later when she is off the drugs.I will pray that she is safe,and i hope everythink works out..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[messenger]

DONOSMOM............I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING THIS TROUBLE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER..........DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?? I KNOW IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE..BUT I CAN SAY THIS......WITHOUT OURS AND OUR SONS CHURCH AND THE POWER OF THEIR PRAYERS.............WE WOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF OUR SON AS WE ARE NOW...............IF YOU DONT GO TO CHURCH TRY TO FIND A COUNSELOR OR SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO AND MAYBE THEY CAN HELP YOU...............HOW OLD WAS YOUR SON WHEN HE PASSED?????????..IT IS SO HARD ON US ALL...LOSING A LOVED ONE AND WE ALL DEAL WITH IT IN DIFFERENT WAYS.......YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

[kathy714]

Dear Messenger,i couldn't believe it when i read your post,i had the same thing happen,right after the loss of my son Nathan.Iwas sitting on the couch one morning drinking my coffee,all the sudden i felt a hand on my shoulder and clear as day i hear my son say "Ma".I opened my eyes,and looked around,it was so strange,and i know it was my son letting me know he is still here with me.Later i asked my husband if he ever felt like someone has put a hand on his shoulder and he said yea ,it has happened to him to.My husband has had a lot of losses in his life,so after he said that ,it valadated what i felt and i stopped thinking maybe i just was losing my mind..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[messenger]

DEAR KATHY714,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,IT IS A VERY COMFORTING FEELING ISNT IT??? BEEN AWHILE SINCE JAMES HAS LET ME KNOW HE IS NEAR BUT.........MAYBE I OVER LOOK THE SIMPLE THINGS HE DOES..KNOW WHAT I MEAN....LIKE THE BUTTERFLIES..BIRDS ETC...WHEN THOSE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU....YOU JUST NEVER EVER FORGET THEM!!GLAD TO HEAR YOUR HUSBAND IS FEELING YOUR SON AROUND TOO!!! I SAY KEEP IT UP NATE~~!!!

[messenger]

TO ALL..HERE IS A WEB SITE I ENJOY READING..WHERE ANGELS WALK WWW.JOANWANDERSON.COM MANY ANGEL STORIES ..GIVES US SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!

[erinnzmom]

Hi All, I've also posted to the I believe in God site but

I need all your prayers Erinnz angel day is tommorrow. and guess who can't stop coughing has a fever of over 101.2 who's achy and shakey? who feels like crap? and poor Katie has had it for the past several days. So get the prayers humming for Katie and me. Guess who has to take the test on monday? there are no refunds and I can't afford to throw away $540. I'm sorry that I'm whining. I'm going to go to bed and try to get better..Hopefully, I know all that I need to known.

Love to all.

Hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[messenger]

ERINNZMOM...YOU AND KATIE WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS~~ FOR YOU ILLNESS AND ALSO FOR TOMORROW...WE WENT THRU OUR DAY LAST MONTH..........KEEP YOURSELF BUSY AND HOPEFULLY YOU WILL FEEL BETTER...MAYBE SAY A FEW THINGS TO ERINN AND LET SOME BALLOONS OFF INTO THE AIR??...YOUR LOVED ONE WILL BE WITH YOU..NEVER DOUBT THAT..ESPECIALLY TOMORROW...THEY KNOW IT WILL BE A HARD ONE...YOU WILL DO FINE.

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU SPECIFICALLY AT CHURCH TONITE.. GOD BLESS YOU AND KATIE

[daveydow1]

For abdwybabe,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Keith. I

hope you come back to BI whenever you feel the need to

read/post. My prayers are with you. Peace.

Messenger,

Thank you for sharing the beautiful poem, and also for

your kind words. I keep looking for signs from my son,

and often hear a cardinal singing in some unseen leafy

tree and feel sure Davey is saying that he is ok. When

I dream of him, he is always well and happy. I pray that

you will continue to get signs from your dear son. Peace

be with you.

Erinzzmom,

I will be thinking about you tomorrow, Erin's angel day,

and praying that it will not be too difficult for you.

May the love that was between you and Erin help soothe

your heart.

Donosmom,

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is having such a

difficult time with Matthew's passing. As others have

said--it is very hard for young people to cope with the

death of a brother or sister. I pray that your daughter

will turn to you for help. Peace be with all of you.

[messenger]

DAVEYDOW1

YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE POEM ..I HOPE IT HAS HELPED SOME OF YOU...OUR CHILDREN LEAVE SO MANY SIGNS ALL AROUND US AND MAYBE WE NEED TO PAY A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION...I AM SURE THE CARDINAL IS FROM YOUR SON...I PRAY WE ALL GET SOME SIGNS FROM OUR LOVED ONES WE MISS SO MUCH.......OH HOW THAT WOULD HELP US ALL..TO HAVE AN OCCASIONAL SIGN HERE OR THERE!!

EVERYONE ON HERE HAS A STORY TO TELL...THE WAYS WE HAVE LOST OUR CHILDREN..HOW SAD...BUT THEY ARE FINE.............IT IS US THAT GRIEVE AND THEY WOULD WANT US TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM...

WE NEED TO HANG ON TO OUR MEMORIES..WE ALL HAVE THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS...THAT NO ONE ON THIS EARTH CAN TAKE AWAY........

YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS..AND I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE SOME PEOPLE I CAN TALK TO AND HOPEFULLY HELP A FEW.. GOD BLESS YOU ALL~

[kathy714]

Dear Erinnzmom,you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers,on your daughter's angel day.I also hope you have a fast recovery from your illness...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ashleysmom]

Laurie, You and Katie are in my prayers. May you have peace today in Erinnz memories. May you and katie have a quick recovery. Good luck with the test., Love, Dottie

[julsmom]

erinnzmom - may you get better soon and have a peaceful day today.

To all - thanks for responding to my posting. I called the retailer about it but did not get any satisfactory answers.

And to all my friends - I am signing off for a couple of weeks. We take down the computer today; movers come tomorrow. It will be about 2 weeks before I can sign in again.

We went to cemetary to say goodbye.

Peace to all.

Lynda

[messenger]

DEAR ERINNZMOM.........I HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER TODAY..........HOW DID YOU DO TODAY.............DID ALL THE PRAYERS OF YOUR FRIENDS AT BEYOND INDIGO HELP YOU AND KATIE???

DID YOU GET ANY SIGNS FROM ERINN????

I HAVE ANOTHER THING TO TELL ALL OF YOU...ABOUT SIGNS......

6 MONTHS AFTER OUR SON DIED ..THE LADIES AT HIS CHURCH HAD A RETREAT..AN ARTIST WAS THERE HELPING TEACH THEM TO PAINT AND SAID HOW THE MUSIC HELPED THEM..

ONE YOUNG LADY WAS PLAYING THE SONG I HAD THEM PLAY AT OUR SONS FUNERAL..I CAN ONLY IMAGINE..SHE WAS WONDERING HOW JAMES WAS...THEY ALL THOUGHT VERY HIGHLY OF HIM..............WHEN SHE WAS THINKING THAT........JAMES FACE APPEARED IN THE PAINTING!!! ALONG WITH ANOTHER ONE..THEY SAID IT WAS JESUS..THE SIZE OF A DIME...AND SHE DID NOT PAINT IT IN ..IT JUST SHOWED UP....THE ARTIST SENT US A COPY..IT IS PRETTY AWESOME...AS SOON AS I SAW IT...I THOUGHT OF A PHOTO OF JAMES I TOOK BY HIS APT..DOOR....THE FACE LOOKS LIKE IT...IF YOU HOLD THE PAINTING AT A DISTANCE...............THE TWO FACES BECOME ONE AND SEPARATE IF YOU BRING IT CLOSER..MESSENGER

JAMES WAS SHOWING SEVERAL THAT TIME ..THAT HE IS STILL AROUND!!! MY SISTER HAD A LONG DREAM ABOUT HIM SAT...AND ON JAMES BIRTHDAY FEB..17TH...HE SPOKE TO HER..CLEARLY...IN HER EAR..WAS VERY WORRIED ABOUT ME ...SAID HE SAW ALL,,KNEW OUR THOUGHTS..LOVED US ALL..MISSED US ETC..

THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOU..BROUGHT US HOPE AND I HOPE IT BRINGS YOU HOPE ALSO..

[erinnzmom]

Thank you All,Messenger,Dottie,Lynda,Kathy,Daveydow1

I had an amazing day yesterday!!!!! I was filled with such peace and I was happy!The amazing power of prayer. I was so dreading yesterday. I woke up yesterday, well...with no fever, aches or pains..I went to the cemetary, left Willow tree angel of love, I released a ballon that was heart shaped that had roses and butterflies and it said I love you on it. I saw it go up and up until it disappeared and Erinn picked it up. I'm still filled with peace and I just finished the Lactation Consultant test. I won't get the results until Oct 13th but I've left it in the Lord's hands I did the best I could and it's finished. Messenger as you can see all the prayers certainly did help more than I could have imagined. I'm glad to see that we all get signs. The picture of James must have been amazing.

Hugs and prayers

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[justgail]

HERE IS THE POEM..I PROMISED YOU...I HOPE IT HELPS YOU..............HAVE A KLEENEX OR 2 READY BEFORE YOU READ IT...........

I STOOD BESIDE YOUR BED LAST NITE

I STOOD BESIDE YOUR BED LAST NITE.

I CAME TO HAVE A PEEP

I COULD SEE THAT YOUR WERE CRYING

QUIETLY IN YOUR SLEEP.

I TOUCHED YOU SOFTLY AS YOU BRUSHED AWAY A TEAR,

"ITS ME I HAVENT LEFT YOU, IM WELL, IM FINE, IM HERE"

I WATCHED YOU POUR YOU COFFEE,

YOU WERE THINKING OF HOW MUCH YOU WERE IN "LOVE"WITH ME.

I WAS WITH YOU AT THE STORE TODAY, YOUR ARMS WERE GETTING SORE.

I LONGED TO TAKE YOUR PARCELS, I WISH I COULD DO MORE.

I WAS WITH YOU AT MY GRAVE TODAY, YOU TEND IT WITH SUCH CARE.

I WANT TO REASSURE YOU, THAT IM NOT REALLY THERE.

I WALKED WITH YOU TO THE HOUSE AS YOU FUMBLED FOR THE KEY.

I GENTLY PUT MY HAND ON YOU, I SMILED AND SAID, "IT'S ME."

YOU LOOKED SO VERY TIRED, AND SANKINTO A CHAIR.

I TRIED SO HARD TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT I WAS STANDING THERE.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE SO NEAR YOU EVERYDAY.

TO SAY TO YOU WITH CERTAINTY, "I NEVER WENT AWAY."

YOU SAT THERE VERY QUIETLY, THEN SMILED, I THINK YOU KNEW....

IN THE STILLNESS OF THE EVENING, I WAS VERY CLOSE TO YOU .

THE DAY IS OVER...I SMILE AND WATCH YOU YAWNING AND SAY

"GOOD NIGHT, GOD BLESS, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING."

AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR YOU TO CROSS THE BRIEF DIVIDE,

I'LL RUSH ACROSS TO GREET YOU AND WE'LL STAND, SIDE BY SIDE.

I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SHOW YOU,THERE IS SO MUCH FOR YOU TO SEE.

BE PATIENT, LIVE YOUR JOURNEY OUT THEN COME HOME TO BE WITH ME..

I APOLOGIZE FOR MY LACK OF TYPING SKILLS AND LACK OF COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE..

HOPE YOU WERE ABLE TO READ IT OK..?? GOD BLESS MAY THIS HELP SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS HURTING TONITE.............

[justgail]

This poem is absolutely beautiful and I did have a box of kleenex right here.I lost my 23 year old son on 6/23/2005 and it has been so difficult coping.It was a very sudden and unexpected passing.After reading your poem several times I know some of the things that have been happening are just James way of letting me know he never did really leave me.Thank you for sharing your poem and may GOd BLess you richly......Just gail

[messenger]

DEAR JUSTGAIL....I AM GLAD YOU LIKED THE POEM...READ FARTHER DOWN AND FIND OUT HOW I GOT IT....I SEE YOUR SON PASSED ONE WEEK AFTER MY SON...WAS YOUR SONS NAME JAMES TOO???? THAT IS WHAT MY SONS NAME WAS ALSO~~!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SON IF YOU DONT MIND ME ASKING???

YES THEY ARE STILL WITH US..MAYBE MORE NOW THAN BEFORE..OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I BELIEVE!! AND THEY LEAVE SIGNS FOR US..

MAY YOUR SON CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU SIGNS

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER..IF ONE NEEDS ANYTHING WE ALL WILL PRAY AND HELP THEM OUT!!

YOU ARE ON MY PRAYER LIST...

MESSENGER

[messenger]

DEAR ERINNZMOM....MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DO OK...AND I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU ARE FEELING BETTER~~YOU ARE 100% DIFFERENT THAN YOU WERE A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO...YES THE POWER OF PRAYER IS AWESOME...I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE AT PEACE...AND THE TEST RESULTS WILL BE JUST FINE ALSO..YOU HAD MANY PRAYING FOR YOU...THE MORE THE BETTER~~

YES THE PICTURE WAS PRETTY NEAT...WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT JAMES FACE WOULD APPEAR IN THE MIDDLE OF A PAINTING~~JUST GOES TO SHOW ...THEY CAN DO ANYTHING..TO LET US KNOW THEY ARE NEAR!!

I WILL ALWAYS TREASURE THE PAINTING AND HAVE SHOWN IT TO SEVERAL..PEOPLE..I FEEL JAMES WANTS ME TO...TO PROVE...THERE IS HOPE AND DEATH IS NOT...THE END!!

MAY THE LORD CONTINUE TO FILL YOUR HEART WITH PEACE...

BLESS YOU

MESSENGER

[briansdad]

To all,

Here are some lyrics to a song I found online.

Too Beautiful

@ 2005 by the MISS Foundation

To purchase a copy: http://www.missfoundation.org

Performed by Chelsea Brunsell

Composed by Leeanna Brunsell and Jim Peterson Lyrics by Joanne Cacciatore

My child, I have to tell you There is truth within my heart From the moment that you left me Even since we've been apart

Mere words will never let me show This emptiness so real

In the silence that surrounds me Too much sorrow now to heal

(CHORUS)

Perhaps, you were too beautiful Too perfect for this place

Time passes and I wait, my child But nothing can erase

Not even time or space

For now, I pray for grace

Not a time when I won't love you Dear child, you're everywhere

Not a time when I won't miss you Not a time when I won't care

(CHORUS)

Perhaps, you were too beautiful Too perfect for this place

Time passes and I wait, my child But nothing can erase

Not even time or space

For now, I pray for grace

In the moment of "hello"

And in the moment of "goodbye" I'll keep your memory close

With every tear I cry

My child, I have to tell you There is truth within my heart From the moment that you left me Even since we've been apart

Perhaps you were too beautiful Too perfect for this place

...For Chey,forever

[rhonda68]

Thank you so much briansdad what a nice lyric that did help me thanks.

I am having alot of trouble at work no one talks to me anymore and I feel left out. Also I have no friends left I am alone in this miserable world. Why would the world turn its back and HATE me so much? This is the only place I can turn too. Just know that I love you and I am sorry for all your losses.

Rhonda

[erinnzmom]

Rhonda68,

I am so sorry for the pain and the loss of your friends. I some times wonder if our friends distance themselves from us because they don't know what to say or do. or they're afraid it's catching, or they're feeling guilty that they still have a child, or it hits too close to home and if it could happen to us then it could happen to them. And then there are those that think that we should be over it by now and be moving on. Like the death of our child is something that we could ever get over..Unless, they have experienced it they will never understand. I will be praying for you. And if you'd like to talk any time to someone who understands email your number and I'll call you and give you my phone number. You certainly are not alone..And you are loved.And we do understand..

Hugs and prayers

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[messenger]

DEAR RHONDA68..........................I TOO AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS....PEOPLE CAN BE SO VERY COLD...NO WONDER THE WORLD IS AS IT IS TODAY!!!!!!

DONT FEEL ALONE...JUST CLICK ON HERE AND WE ALL CAN SHARE OUR FEELINGS AND HELP EACH OTHER THRU THE GOOD AND BAD DAYS..

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING...I NEED TO GET OVER THE LOSS OF MY SON...AND NO IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...WE CARRIED OUR CHILDREN IN OUR BODIES AND THERE IS THAT SPECIAL BOND BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD...LOOK AT MARY AND JESUS.........HOW SHE HAD TO WATCH HER SON SUFFER AND DIE............I THINK OF HER OFTEN AND CAN IDENTIFY WITH HER PAIN..

PEOPLE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND UNTIL IT DOES HAPPEN TO THEM AND THAT IS WHY THIS SITE IS SO VERY IMPORTANT!!!! WE HAVE ALL BEEN THRU THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD AND CAN HELP EACH OTHER............

DONT LET THE PEOPLE AT WORK GET YOU DOWN...THEY ARE JUST UNCOMFORTABLE AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY AFRAID THEY WILL UPSET YOU..IT PROBABLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PERSONALLY..HOPEFULLY SOMEONE THERE HAS A CARING HEART AND WILL OPEN UP TO YOU ...IF NOT........WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

MESSENGER

[Michaelsmom]

Hi all, it's been awhile since I've been here but I visit occasionally to keep everyone in my thoughts. With regard to siblings feeling loss, my daughter, who is 36, has suffered the loss of her brother (Michael, died at 36 in 2002) and her sister (Carolyn, at 40 2005). She is all I have left. She is the youngest. She is so lost. She was really close to her brother and was getting really close to her sister over the last 5 years. It pains me to see her but she is trying to cope. She has a successful career and loving boy friend who keep her grounded. I'm asking everyont to please keep her in your prayers. I am also keeping all of you in mine - I don't believe anymore but I still pray. I've lost hope but I know others haven't so I pray for them. Take care.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[mamabets]

Just so you ALL know, I have trimmed an entire side of our house today with fresh potting soil and "Forget- Me-Nots, red poppys and a bright yellow something -SUPERDAD!! All little seeds and I will anxiously await their bloom!!!!!

Remember, "Bloom Where You Are Planted"... I am trying- The garden is coming along beautifully... Always out there, always checking out each and every new sprout, as I add another something big and beautiful!!!

It has become quite a hobby and it was a GREAT place to go to this morning after I cried so hard that I lost my breath....

I throw all kinds of seeds- "Caution to the Wind", I call it- I blow lots of kisses these days- Keep in mind that every thing that required a green thumb did not like it here- I had not a clue on how to do this, but by following my heart and listening to the voices of all of our spirited angels, it is quite beautiful- Lots of bird houses too!!! What is so great about this garden here is that there is no ryhme or reason- No orginaztion, no right or wrong, just pure beauty... As it is in their Heaven, I am sure...Apes ie here, Renees froggie from April, the list goes on and on...

You are all in full bloom, and you are all being guided by your most trusted Heavenly child. I promise... xoox I love you all~ xoxomamabets

[annmay142005]

Hi all,

My son’s birthday is coming up: his 38th. I knew it would be hard to send the picture and words to the paper for that day’s edition, but I didn’t realize just how much.

Also, I have begun to grieve about something I did NOT do right after he died while in the ICU for about 32hrs. I look back and I cave, scream and cry about what I didn’t do at his bedside. I so regret that I didn’t ‘hold him’ to me.

Instead as I stood there I rested my right cheek on his left cheek and thought and may even have said this is the last time I’ll ever feel your body warm and other thing s like “I’ll see you again…I know you can hear me. Mommy loves you.”

I don’t understand how or how I was so calm at that time and even the funeral where I could not cry as I am now? I feel self loathing. It seems like I was playing a part that had to be played in a way that was quiet and accepting!

Does anyone else have any experience like this? Are you regretting anything that you could have done, should have done and didn’t?

Please share.

[briansdad]

annmay142005,

Don't beat your self up about not crying.I cried a lot leading up to the funeral but didn't at all the day of or at the visitation.Don't know why? I just didn't.It's probably a blessing though because I did his eulogy and I know if I tried to read it now almost 2 years down the road I couldn't.

[erinnzmom]

"annmay142005,

Could have, should have, would have, Haven't we all been there? All wished that we could have done things differently? NO Parent should ever have to lose a child. My daughter never talked to me..She was in a comma intubated. I had talked to her At 9:30 the night before and less than 7 hours after admission to the hospital she was dead. They still don't know why. Sepsis, pulmonary embolism. Acute adult respiratory distress syndrome..all names for something that took my precious, only child, 31 yr old daughter, best friend. I'm a mother, and a nurse. How can she be dead? I think that you handled it the way you handled it because you were numb. I kept screaming over and over no..no.... noooo... and yet at the funeral..I cried and laughed and celebrated my daughter's life...and it hits you like no other pain on this earth. Nothing can prepare you for it..and after reality hits and some things you know are going to be bad and you prepare for it and other things come out of the blue and bring you to your knees. But we are always here for you to vent and share.

Sending hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom