Loss of an Adult Child

[Elle-55]

Hi,

I am Rhett's mom. My boy died on Dec 31, 2011 while visiting his father in St. Louis, MO. He became sick and died of acute bronchopneumonia due to neglect from his Dad, step mother and doc at walk in clinic. I posted on here a couple times, but I mentally and physically shut down for awhile after. I have started to been deal with Rhett's death I guess in the best way I can. I know he is not coming back and I know I'll never talk or hug him until I see him in heaven. Rhett was mentally ill with an IQ of 160. He was funny, witty, intelligent, loved to read and lived with us his entire life. I was also his care taker and he was my friend.

I'm lost. My family has scattered to the four winds, we did not come together and grieve. My youngest son has acted mad at me since the second week of Rhett's death. We dont talk much and when we do, we usually end up screaming at each other. I don't know if he was a little embrassed by Rhett and feels guilty. Rhett could act a little out there once in a while. Derek and i were so close before his brother's death. It could also be that I blamed his dad and step mom; my son can hold a grudge forever. I've tried to talk to him and won't talk.

My daughter is doing pretty good, she is working through all the crap. My husband has been my life line. Without him, I wouldn't have survived.

My mother who had a special relationship with Rhett when he was a baby to his teens. Once his mental illness manifested itself around 16 yos, she didn't want much to do with him. My step dad was indifferent.

The Thanksgiving of 2011, my step dad was irritated because Rhett would go out and smoke in the garage. He went so far as to say to Rhett and I that he wished Rhett wouldn't come back to visit. I told my dad he would get his wish, if Rhett wasn't welcome then I wouldn't return. That was the last time they saw Rhett alive. My step dad never apologized.

I don't know what to do. I have always been a person who has discussed feelings with my kids and parents, now I don't know what to say to them. No one wants to talk.

My parents live in a northern mid west state, daughter lives in northern AL, son lives at the beach in Southern Alabama. Hubby and I just moved from AL to Clearwater, FL in Dec.

Help! I feel like I'm going to explode.

[Elle-55]

duplicate post.

[ericasmom]

Greg, thanks for the song.

Susan, the plans you have made are enough right now, those were big steps you took. Those steps have you looking forward which for many of us is a very hard thing to do once we lose a Child. The other details will be worked out as you get closer to that time, but for now, take some rest as you put a lot of energy into these plans.

Rhett's Mom, I do remember your post sometime ago, and like many, our first and second posts take so much energy, we really don't know if we can associate with so many others that are also grieving. We find it hard to put ourselves in that same catagory, it makes it too real somehow. Here you are now, finding ways to face this awful reality knowing that perhaps being a part of a large group may be helpful. I think it will be, just don't sweat learning our names or our Child's names...that will come with time. Just come and tell us what you would like us to know, let us know what your struggles are and keep coming back. It sounds like your Boy was a very bright young man. I am so sorry that he died and that your family has dispersed. The family dynamic changes so much when someone young dies. I hope your Son will find ways to connect with you again, it hurts when this happens and there are others on this site that have experienced similar issues with surviving children. Do your Daughter and Son talk? All you can do is wave your flag of peace, ask that your Boy try to have a dialogue with you so that something can be salvaged and new roads can be made.

Keep posting when you can-

[Jeff's Mom]

I hear you loud and clear. You are not going to explode! You have us! You have come to the right place. Speaking from experience...do not even try to find some relief from those that will not console you. You have a loving husband and you must try to let your heart lead you at this time. You are experiencing so much pain right now. And why wouldn't you? You are parents. That is never going to change. I can only offer you support and to tell you that as difficult as it may seem right now....time will slowly soften your pain. You will be led in a new direction due to the unfortunate loss of your precious boy. You are and will always remain a mother.. Keep posting and know that you can always come here to talk. Sending huge (HUGS)Kate

[Elle-55]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know this will be a safe place for me to come and get the the support I desperately need.

Thank you,

Rhett's Mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - it has been a long time since I have been here and as always I have missed everyone and keep you in my thoughts and prayers as always.

Once again I see there are new ones to this site which breaks my heart while I smile that they have found this home, this place that saved my life almost 7 years ago. The place where I was finally allowed to be who I was, a grieving mother who had no idea how to cope with the loss of her daughter - you all taught me how to walk slowly, to breathe in and out, one day at a time or one minute at a time, whatever it took to survive one day to the next. I count you all as family and am blessed beyond words to have been welcomed here as I was...Love you all

Mike - I am so sorry for the loss of your son Collin, the loss of a child is unimaginable and no you will never get over it, it will never get easier but it will get "softer" and you will find the day when you can smile without tears at the memories. You will always have "days" and "moments" of intense pain but you will live again. I lost my only daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD (sudden death by heart attack) she was just 26 - I miss her every day, I long to hold her, hug her, hear her voice, but I have found a "new normal" - my Jessica would never want me to stop living so I learned how to live again but I know in my heart that I would never be where I am today without all who are here. Hold tight and please visit as much as you can, talking of our child is so very important and here is where we can do that without being judged...

Well it is snowing and blowing here in New York tonight - it is the first snow storm we have had in a long time. It is a beautiful sight but I worry about the electric going out with the high winds...guess we will snuggle up for warmth until hubby can turn on the gererator...hopefully they will stay on. I will post a couple of pics I took tonight.

Tavian is doing well, he will be 11 on Monday, so hard to believe he was just 5 when I first came here, just a baby who had lost his mommy....Today he is well adjusted, very smart, doing great in school, getting ready for baseball season and is the light of my life - yes he wears this Mi-Mi out but I wouldn't change a thing....I love watching him grow but at the same time I am afraid, I try not to think ahead to the "teen years" - yikes....but I know he will be a good boy and a better man and his mom will be watching him with pride in her shinning eyes....

I have so very busy with work, end of the year close out and new year beginnings - I handle the finacial aspects for five departments in Human Services so it keeps me busy but I love my job so it is good. By the time I get home from work it is time to start dinner, home work for Tavian, spend some time together, shower, a little quiet time and off to bed to get up and do it all again tomorrow....I need a vacation...

The 18th is coming up fast - I am having a very hard time with the 7 year Angelversary - I just cannot wrap it around my head that I have not seen my Jessica for 7 years - my heart aches with pain, I find myself lost in memories often during the day, meltdowns with tears that won't stop, sleepless nights but I know that I will find the strength to make it through. Last weekend I was sleeping in (not very often) and I woke up with tears streaming down my face - I heard Jessica say "hey mom, it's me" - that was all, it was so real, I found myself looking around our bedroom for her and than facing reality. Then I thought - was it real, am I crazy, wishful thinking ?? OR "I believe" - I choose to go with "I believe"

Well my friends I send you prayers, peace and strength. I hug you all -- Kathy, forever Jessica's mom

Picture of Tavian doing the "Polar Bear Plunge" - I think I posted before Pictures of our side yard this evening of snow storm

My beautiful Jessica and me - Miss you my girl so much - love you

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Jessica's Mom.....and yes.....coming here has been the only thing that 'gives me that push' from under...to help me rise again...and again....when knocked down with the sadness...so many on here have been on the 'path' for years....and each of you reach out to the place 'where it hurts the most'......

Was doing some pondering...and there is a very special place in my heart for the Mom's that have lost that 'Baby Girl'.....that bond between the Mother and Daughter...can never be broken...not even by death....Lora and Dee shared a special 'sign'....and both daughters appeared to them after they had passed..for just a brief..too brief visit....to let their Mama's know they were 'there for them'.....

I am guessing that Tavian is Jessica's son....am new here....he is thriving...I admire people that can do a Polar Bear plunge...I am much too South Texas...

I wish you blessings and comfort with her Angel Anniversary....I don't think it is normal for a parent not to dip into a deep sadness on those days....thank you for sharing....the new ones on here need to hear how the path has cleared somewhat and in what ways....

[tobyfreefoot]

sorry i have so much trouble remembering names.

jessica's mom--love the pics of your beautiful daughter, not sure i have seen her before. tavian has gotten so big and brave! haha. looks like the snow is really weighing down your trees!

rhett's mom--as kate said you won't explode, that's why we're here. this group of parent's has literally kept me from losing my mind. i don't know what i would do without them. i'd love to hear more about your son. i think a kid with that kind of IQ would be such a challenge even without mental illness and such a joy to hang out with. my kids all have pretty high iq's and varying degrees of mental stuff going on. my daughter has BPD-borderline personality disorder, my oldest who died had a 190 logic score and a 20 coding score (dysgraphic-lots of trouble putting letter and numbers on the page) and ADHD to the MAX with NO brakes causing us to have a very close relationship--he died at 28. unfortunately last night was one of those bad times. my daughter called because my youngest (marshall) had a birthday party and my middle son, logan came home(his sister's) dead drunk and hysterical because marshall was suicidal. they ended up taking marshall to the hospital and getting an iv so he didn't die of alcohol poisoning. my kids are all having a terrible time in one way or another. in some ways i just have to let it go because i can't fix it. i do what i can and know that no matter what i do i can't be there every second. marshall is just starting to talk to me since forest died-july 3, 2011. sometimes everything sucks. i think the family unit seems a little less awkward but the personal dealing with grief for my kids is soo hard.

kate--i'm out of the loop occasionally these days. i knew your husband was having tests etc. but somehow missed the diagnosis. hoped we would be fine and wished us "all the best"????

exactly the kind of support i get from my only sibling. i am so sorry that it feels so lonely. i think of you often as you have offered me so much support. please stay in touch so we can "be" there for you as much as possible. <3

dee--thanks for asking after me. i was feeling so good after forest's birthday celebration that i didn't want to come on and somehow appear insensitive to anyone. it was the best i had felt since he died. but of course...it wore off somewhat. i wish i could get signs. maybe i do and don't see them. bleah anyway if you read above my kids are doing pretty terribly and i hate alcohol it makes everything so much worse!

brian's dad--i love the song. we have forest's car that he was trying to fix up and my middle son went out on his birthday apparently (a shot glass and marijuana in car) and sat in it. he had another car he was driving that i donated. when i heard this song it sure reminded me of when i got in it, with pop cans rolling on the floor, clothes, shoes, papers,change....thanks

becky--love the picture of the heart cats!! so exciting people are coming to your aid!! let us know the good news!!!

mike--loved your poem. so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. here is one of my favorite poets addressing that issue of time healing all wounds. i guess that is not the most comforting but for me being understood is comforting itself and most of the people i encounter don't get it. at this time of my life--19 months in--i just don't tell people too often because it surely isn't still effecting me right? i hope the parents here will be company for you in this life long journey

Time does not bring relief

By Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied

Who told me time would ease me of my pain!

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;

I want him at the shrinking of the tide;

The old snows melt from every mountain-side,

And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;

But last year’s bitter loving must remain

Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.

There are a hundred places where I fear

To go,—so with his memory they brim.

And entering with relief some quiet place

Where never fell his foot or shone his face

I say, “There is no memory of him here!”

And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Louise--are you out there???? sent you an email. the birthday was perfect. thanks <3

everyone else-love to you all. it is the weekend and my husband is tired of sharing me with the "one eyed mind sucking monster"

[tobyfreefoot]

dee i work 11 pm - 7:30 am that is why i sleep weird hours lol

[tobyfreefoot]

becky saw this and thought of jared

[daveydow1]

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.......DEAR CAROL.

Amy----Thanks for your post about my kitty. She's doing better. I hope

that your kitty will improve. Is she/he vomiting? Poor cat. I believe that

my cat is allergic to the fillers (corn, wheat, & grains) that are in a lot of

cat foods. Most kitties can eat them anyhow, but some have sensitive

digestions that can't tolerate the grains.

Dee----Hope that your back pain is getting better. Yes....the kids must

have enjoyed the sunshine and free time out at recess. Sunny here today.

I had the grandies for a few hours this a.m. while Becky had things to

do at Kent State regarding the bachelors program in the fall. We had

fun, and they each had cookies and two ice cream cones.

Mike-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. You have found a

good site. Please come back to BI.....everyone here understands the

pain you are having. Peace to you.

Kate----I'm sorry that your husband has been diagnosed with cancer.

Sending prayers for you both.

Becky----Glad that you have gotten some good news on your quest for

justice for J.D. Yes.....we encountered so many dead ends in trying to get

any changes for the laws after our son was killed. We mostly got a lukewarm

or indifferent response. It is so difficult to pin down someone who drives drowsy and

sleeps at the wheel, and causes a fatal accident. In our state....it's only a misdemeanor.

(vehicular homocide).....very minimal punishment.

I wish you continued success in your heartfelt and rightful determination

to get some new laws regarding speeding and impaired/careless driving. I'm

afraid that there won't be any changes or justice for our David...as far as laws

go. It isn't even addressed most of the time...(sleeping while driving).

If it is mentioned, it's just a short blip, and nothing further. Keep up your good and honorable efforts

to get justice for Jared.

Lora----

How much snow did you get in your area? We have snow on the

ground, but have not had any additional. Warmer days are coming, I guess.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

..

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks!! That's beautiful!!

becky saw this and thought of jared

becky saw this and thought of jared

[ericasmom]

ASHLEY

Swing into your Momma's space and let her feel your nearness, your sweet touch on her face. Visit with your dear Sister and give her the Calm she needs in which to decipher all that is in her life right now. Give all your Family and Friends a sign that allows them to feel that uplifting sense of YOU.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, good to see you. I did not know you worked the night shift. Have you always tolerated that shift? I am such a morning girl, don't know how folks do the late nights.

So interesting that Forest had a 190 with such disgraphia, the brain is such an amazing thing, the intellegences and the struggles all laying in tiny rows next to one another, and we so often don't know how to assist them when it just does not work in school. Glad that you are okay but boy, sorry that your Son is struggling so. You are so right, we cannot help more than listening and offering space and a bed, a meal and our hearts, money if we have it to get the help needed, but short of this, the Kids have to want to be helped. Prayers for that.

Sherry, the sun is shining and the Grandmom played with the boys. How nice, cookies and two cones each, what a great great day.

I spent a lovely day at the art institute again, but this time in a teacher workshop that I signed up for months ago. It was all about poetry inspired by art. Right up my alley. It was great. I am tired but in a good way, having had a creative day. My back is still an issue, wearing my brace after having one day out of it. Hurting is no fun that is for sure. My usual 12 minute walking mile is more like 25 as I have been slowed by this. HOpefully, I will get my speed back and my back won't hurt like it does...

Kathy, so good to see you last evening. Hopefully you kept your electricity and that all is fwell. The numbers on the snowfall are pretty incredible. Hang tight Sister, the dates are always going to tug on us, some years hurt more just because the amount of years is staggering, but then there is that peace we know our Kids are sharing, that incredible light that they are joined in and we can say, Okay Sweeties, we will see you one day.

[aim630]

Kathy-I believe Jessica was there, telling you she was ok. I have had 2 or 3 experiences like that, and I really feel it was Ashley. February is such a hard month, I'll be thinking of you on the 18th.

Today is her 3 year angelversary. I woke up thinking about how she texted me that morning saying she did not sleep well the night before (she had been hospitalized 3 months) and I texted her back that maybe she could sleep during the day. I never dreamed that would be her last day.

I'm so glad you all have been here the past 3 years, giving me the hope to go on.

Sherry-my cat seems to be doing better now that I switched her food. Glad your cat is doing better.

Gretchen-I'm sorry your kids are having problems dealing with Forest's death. It is so hard to see them suffer, but you can't do anything about it because you're grieving yourself, and you just can't fix it for them. I hope you and Marshall are able to continue talking to each other.

This is Sib's weekend at Ohio U, ironic for Katie. She seems to be doing better, and goes to counseling on Tuesday. She is speaking to the boy who broke her heart a couple of weeks ago, and I wish she would just move on. I don't want to see her hurt again. we leave 3 wks today for Disney World, driving the 17 hrs. Hopefully no big snow or ice storms that weekend!

Lora-I just scrolled down and saw your post. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, hopefully you are doing ok.

Rhett's mom and Mike-I am sorry you are here, but you've come to a good place.

Love to all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Mermaid Tears]

Amy....am new here...but wishing and whispering to Ashley that she sends a 'personal sign'...that only you and she would know from each other...and for you to know your Baby girl is not 'gone'...she has just 'gone' before you....

[aim630]

Thanks Susan & Dee.

[tobyfreefoot]

ashley on this anniversary make your presence known to your mom and sister. give them calm peacefulness in their hearts they will recognize as you!

[Guest]

..

[Jeff's Mom]

Amy, thinking of you today as you are surrounded by the love of your darling daughter.

[ericasmom]

Oh Lora, I am so glad that you have been having some dreams...what a good feeling those kinds of dreams leave you with. I always feel an extra energy from them.

Thanks for your good wishes about my back, it has been a chronic thing since I was young, but certainly as I get older, it becomes a longer process, more painful too, when it goes out.

I agree with what you are saying about your other Children, we cannot make it all good for them, we can only be here for them when they need us. Your Boy Mitchell is near my Son's age, Jon is 31.

Does he live near you?

How much snow did you get Lora?

Goodnight All, sleep well. I am pooped and hope for some deep and restorative sleep. A sweet dream perhaps?

[mysonrich]

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley ,,,,,, a bright star in the sky.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I started to write a couple of days ago . There just times and days that my daily life , adventures, misadventures don' sound well to me when so many are hurting.

Kate, I think of you each morning when I hear and see the Canada geese gliding along the river surface. I thought of you while watching The Bachelor, ( I was warm and toasty , the remote out of arms reach. This is a strange show ) They were at Lake Louise and I thought it was so beautiful. The mean people in the world, in our peripheral vision, on the fringe of our lives when they should be front and center, they have always been there and we just let them slide. Now it is a fine line they have crossed, the hurt and pain at this time not wanted or manageable. I'm sorry Kate.

Becky, good news and soon, Justice for Jared.

Dee, your workshops sound interesting and fun. They seem to take you to many different places. Hope the back problem improves as I know of the problem it has caused you in the past.

I joined a group that also has presentations and outings. Last Wednesday was going to be my first meet-up but for some reason and G-d only knows why I got it into my head that I would hike up a moderate level portion of the Appalachian Trail, without gear. At no time did the little voice in my head say,” hey Betsy, this IS a mountain. Flatlander!”

Well, I didn't plan on hiking as far as I did but kept going and the trail grew steeper as I went. So, good hiking boots,walking stick, water, snacks....I'm going back.

Carol, I haven't heard from Sarah today but from the news cast and pictures you received about 2 feet more snow the NYC, I think. Hope you are warm and safe and all shoveled out.

Rheet's mom, your son is a handsome man. I'm so sorry for the reason that you are here.

Gretchen, having worked 2^nd shift in the past and being a morning person, the only thing I would be doing at 2 in the morning would be zzzzzzzzzz.

Mike, I also liked your poem . Your Collin is among a fine group as your are , in this group.

Mermaid Tears, during the longer , colder days of winter I slip back and questions form in my mind with my words being, I want him back. Too. I'll always want him back but in winter and especially with Rich’s death in January, at time this just seems so much harder.

Lora,Sherry, Shelly( can you post the Smiles for Sarah site again. I'm not sure if I went to the right place) Mom of Chip, Sandy, you are not alone.

On dreams. I know I have more but I don't remember . I do know that I have more with Rich paying a visit, its the feeling that follows. There are still times I wake with s start but not as much now.

The last dream I had and remember well; We were at an airport I believe. The area near the sliding door where the cabs,limos, waiting relatives sit inside their cars. The door slides open and Rich walked through. He looked at me and I said,” come on Rich. Its time to go now”. He kept walking. Catching the plane to the stars I guess.

Anyway, here is a not so great picture of my hike. The little dots are houses. I did not hike that far up. There is a trail head near. One of the days when I did a good talking to myself about wasting a day off.

Thinking of you all.

and in one pic, looking down, at the base of a tree

[shellyku]

ASHLEY - I HOPE YOU LANDED SOFTLY IN YOUR MAMA'S ORB YESTERDAY AND FILLED HER WITH YOUR JOY AND LOVE!

Amy - sorry I missed Ashley's angelversary! Worked in the snow and was pooped after. I pray you found some of Ashley's peace in your day. Hope Sarah is doing better!

Mike - My heart to you on the loss of your boy. I have not had a chance to look further but he sounds like a wonderful young man and the poem you posted...beautiful! Please come back and tell us more when you are able.

Gretchen - prayers for your children as they try to cope with Forest's death. My Jillian still shows, to me anyway, any real sign of emotion. She holds it all in.

Betsy - you were wondering about the Smiles by Sarah website. It's a facebook site and the address is smiles.by.sarah.info@gmail.com Hope all is well with you!

Rhett's Mom - welcome to a wonderful place to land in this foreign world you find yourself in. My heart to you on your loss.

Sherry, Lora, Sherry, Kate, Greg, Dee, Carol, Mermaid and all I have forgotten in this moment:

I pray you have a blessed Sunday filled with good memories of your lovees! Shelly

[Jeff's Mom]

Just a message to say good morning and I am thinking of everyone today. I hope that those who were in the area affected by the storms are safe and sound. Thanks to all for your support. I have had to work hard this past week to keep pushing the fear back down when I think of dealing with this on my own. Hubby appears to be drifting between denial and depression, and completely blocking it out, as if things are just fine. I have made a long list of things to do and questions to ask. Also, telling myself that I can do this and not to panic. I will say to everyone reading this that if you have an opportunity to have a colonoscopy at some point...DO IT! He felt fine for the most part. Put his exhaustion down to aging. He has lost a significant amount of weight over a very short period and his iron levels are low. Lora, yes he was in the hospital and is going back again next week. He has had to have a significant amount of his colon removed and all surrounding lymph nodes. Our son has been calling regularly which is a good thing. However, he has a busy life and a very young family. He has offered to come home around their trips away. They are taking the kids to Disney World and off to Vegas for some gathering of sorts. Anyway, it keeps me on my toes. I know I can do this. I have to for him. Have a decent Sunday everyone. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, so like the stages we go through to learn how to live in grief, those with cancer and other long-term illness have stages that are similar. Denial is one of them, ignore it and pretend it is not there...it is difficult because each stage has its own issues for those who love the person being afflicted. I wish for your Husband to come to realization with some hope and a sense of empowerment going forward.

Peace.

Betsy, lovely hike you took, and it awaits you each time you choose to take that hike.

Shelly how is work? How much snow did you get?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

We did our road cleanup today, for the Adopt a Highway program, and my daughter and her friend thought they would try OUR sign out on the speed limit sign, and it looks to me like they got Jared's approval! Rasta rainbow??

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Amy, sorry I missed your angel's date. I hope that Ashley let you know she was near.

[ericasmom]

BECKY---JARED Lives On in All that You and the Family Does in HIS Honor. There he was right beside his Sis, supporting her while she supported him.

[Sholl1955]

Thinking of all of you and reading everyday. Will share some more at a later date. Have a good Sunday.

Sandy

[shellyku]

Hey Indigos! Just checking in before I go up to my warm, comfy bed to watch 60 minutes. For some reason, I love tuning into that show on a Sunday evening...pre-work-week. Dee, work wasn't as bad as it could have been given the 4-5 inches of snow we got. Because it was brilliantly sunny Saturday, it started to melt considerably. Still, people on my rural route who could not get their mailboxes shoveled out before I got there to deliver, it posed a bit of a problem. I have a 4-wheel drive right-hand drive Jeep Wrangler, but if I engage the 4-wheel, I can't go above 30 mph or it starts to shimmy so I didn't engage it, which means I had to "rock and roll" out of some ruts. It all serves to tire me more than usual...I think part of that is nerves!

Kate - I pray your husband faces his diagnosis and gets mad as hell at the cancer. I believe that's a good mindset to have when facing this beast..."I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore". My heart to you.

Ok Becky, that boy of yours sure has some angel powers! He is so good at making himself known!

What a blessing!

Well almost time for my show so I'll say goodnight. Hope everyone has a peaceful night!

[summergirl]

Hello sweet friends - Becky I am praying that your Ashley was whispering to you as you faced another Angelversary...hugs to you.

Susan (Mermaid Tears) - Yes Tavian is Jessica's son, he was just 4 when his mom passed and it was to say the least a long road grieving for my daughter and holding tight to Tavian, trying to help him to understand the circle of life although at the time I couldn't understand it myself. We saved each other in so many ways and still do. He is the light that shines from his mom and yet he is "Tavian" - his own self. So many people have said "at least you have Tavian" and while I agree that I am blessed beyond words they seem to think that my pain is less because of him, that the grief is easier somehow, and I can move on faster - I get so angry that they think that but keep my mask on and mouth closed. There were times when I was so busy getting Tavian through the day that I did not have the time to grieve for my Jessica, times I felt that I had put her in the background and would "deal" another day....or I pretended she was just away for a little while, some far away place where we could not keep in touch but she would be home....whatever it took to get through the moment. Now it is close to 7 years and Tavian is 11 tomorrow and I realize just how far we have come - each time I watch him sleep I thank God and my Jessica for him.

Well, it has been a snowed in weekend - what a storm, we got about 24" and high winds but thankfully did not lose electric. That was my fear, no heat in cold, cold weather.....It was a beautiful after the storm ended, everything so white and untouched...trees looked as though they had diamonds hanging from them....but as always there were deaths along with the beauty.....a young girl / mom of 23 killed in a car accident on her way home, her baby just 18 months old....breaks my heart and I pray for her family and friends.

Tavian had a great day today, went sledding for 5 hours !!! Must say he was a bit frozen but like his mom he never gives up and has no fear.....I love that about him but it also scares me at times...LOL and he is not even a teen yet....

Becky - the sign is amazing !! The rainbow def Jared giving his approval and smiles.

Dee - I hope your back continues to improve...I miss you my friend, the first I met here, the one who led me through this journey with such patience and kindness - leading me to others who became such a huge part of my life and will forever be my family.

Take care my friends, I send you love, hope and strength as always...Kathy, Jessica's mom always

My Valentine Angel....Love you Jessica, my girl, my best friend, my daughter.....

[Guest]

.

[Sholl1955]

Hello Friends,

Still struggling with vivid memories from a year ago as Sarah fought the last leg of her battle with Breast Cancer. My youngest daughter was up with her husband and my 2 year old grandaughter this weekend. As has been discussed on here, the loss of a child can change family dynamics drastically. Rachel and I were always close but she has built a wall around herself that is almost visable. They came to attend activities on his side of the family but stayed here. It was wonderful for Sarah's little girls as they are very close to them and they love it when they come. It was hard in many ways as she doesn't really interact with me much. I just have to pray that one day she finds her way back.

Oh how I understand the statements you get that "at least you have Tavian" I hear all of the time "at least you have your grandaughters" and like you, I know I am blessed so very much with my babies and they are what keep me going but it is so very hard to watch them grieve for their mama. To hear your grandchild crying and sobbing "I want my mama" and knowing no matter what you do, you cannot fix that pain. It is a knife to your heart. To see your grandaughter standing in her kindergarten classroom as other mothers are arriving and hearing her classmates call out "mommy" and running to hug their mama's and see the pain and despair on her face is heartbreaking. Or to have her friends point to me and say to her "Is that your Mom" and see her struggle and say no that is my Mimi, my Mama is in heaven." It is pain beyond any words. Yet, like you, we keep quiet and don't say anything because people don't know, they have not experienced it and hopefully never will. I know that for parents who have lost children before they were able to experience, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, they hurt too for the loss of those experiences, and their pain is great too. I quit going to a Compassionate friends group because so many people were in that category and I felt so guilty talking about my pain when I had grandchildren and they were grieving for the loss of that experience in their lives.

Kate, you are in my thoughts and prayers as is your husband.

Dee, I am praying that your back improves. Back pain is miserable.

My husbands dementia has made some downturns over the past couple of weeks and he struggled in church this morning. It is hard to see a 64 year old man slip farther and farther away. Certainly not easy for my Rachel to see when she is struggling so with losing her sister. Life can be so hard sometimes. But one day at a time, and sometimes one second.

I hope that those without power from the storms are safe and that service is restored soon.

Thank you all for being here and for understanding.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, those vivid memories are always going to be hard, it is the saddest thing in the world. We will after a time, put those in a new place so that they are not always so ready to be re-screened but it is part of the process when we see them looping over and again as we approach the dates. Hang on there Sandy. You and Kathy and others have a lot in common with the comments from those who mean well but just don't understand that in addition to having your heart shattered from your own loss of your Daughter, you have the day in and out pain of watching the kids struggle. And yes, of course you are blessed with these wonderful children but your heart needs time to grieve.

I am sorry too, that your husband is declining. So much going on in your life that I wish I could help out with, so keep on sharing so taht we can hold your hand through these very hard times.

Peace to each today and everyday.

[andy88]

Hello My Friends,

Today is Andy's second angelversary. Would you please take a moment to remember that he lived and do something kind for another person in his memory? Thank you so much.

Love,

Pam

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Awww, Pam, so good to hear from you. I will for sure do something kind in his memory. I hope and pray you feel his presence around you today!

Andy, Andy, ANDY!!!

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

ANDY

ANDY

ANDY

the mere notion of you sends the bittersweet rush that only you could cause in your Momma. The bitter of having had to say goodbye, the sweet because of who you are and always will be in her heart. Thank you for the joy in her heart that is YOU!

She will always miss you Sweet Andy, and while I know you know, we parents just have to say it like a sigh, we miss you. In your honor, I looked at each student today and saw all of the love that they share in this world and how like you they are.

[mysonrich]

[shorty16]

Andy, Andy, Andy..say your name loud and clear.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

This is a song by Mumford and Sons

You were cold as the blood through your bones

And the light which led us from our chosen homes

Well I was lost

And now I sleep,

Sleep the hours that I can't weep

When all I knew was steeped in blackened hopes

Well I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet

From my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still but I was under your spell

When I was told by Jesus all was well

So all must be well

Just give me time

Well you know your desires and mine

So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine

For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet

From my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet

From my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

[hotrod]

ANDY, ANDY ANDY

REMEMBERING YOUR GENTLE SPIRIT AND SWEET SMILE

STAY CLOSE TO MOM TODAY

[mikesmomrs]

BECKY: LOVE the "Rastafarian rainbow" and that your daughter held the sign for Jared up to the speed limit sign...too bad they couldn't have just fastened it in place! The Rastafarian colors hold meaning for us, as well. Mike was a huge fan... When I was first considering getting a puppy, my daughter sent me a picture of Lucy, that was in the ad for her. Lucy was laying on the floor and between her paws was a hackey sack...in the Rastafarian colors... Yes, this is the dog we got, and yes, she has worked out beautifully.

KATE:...so very sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis, and his current state of mind...I pray he regains his strength and it allows him to fight this fight. You both are in my prayers. I am also sorry about the lack of support from your family.

DEE: I do hope your back is improving...so debilitating, I know. I've been having some problems with my knee and hip again, and it is hard to deal with.

BETSY: love that you did the hike. Thanks for the pictures...I like the sign on the tree root...was it there or did you put it there?

KATHY: Thinking of you as the 18th approaches. Though the years pass, this date just holds onto our hearts and reminds us (like we need reminding...) of the rending of our heart on that day of days that left our life so changed. Jessica is so close to you, and so very proud of you and of Tavian...such a wonderful gift, but "at least you have Tavian" just doesn't change your heartbreak.

GRETCHEN: Don't recall if I've mentioned to you that Forest's memorial is just so beautiful and a wonderful creation.

PAM: Apologize for the late thoughts...thinking of you and of your sweet ANDY, and saying his name out loud. Always remembering...

BETTY: So good, as always, to see your sweet Stephen's smile, and COLLEEN: As well for Brian's shinging face...

SANDY: Holding you close...prayers for your hubby.

LORA: Thinking of you.

SHERRY: So glad that kitty is better.

To ALL: Think of you everyday, and as always, you are all in my prayers. I hope that you have good days this week, and perhaps dreams of your sweet angels.

We got totally dumped on in this snowstorm...almost 30" in our front yard. Had some tremendous pictures, though. Davis helped the plow guy out in our driveway, as it was just so overwhelming. Poor little Lucy, just didn't know what to do, until Davis shoveled out a little area for her, though she does indeed love the snow!

Finished up my birthday celebration this Sunday with Cathi and the boys...cake, ice cream and a couple of sweet little presents from Cathi. First was an envelope of pictures she had found when she searched through her photos from over the years and found a dozen of so of her dad that I hadn't seen before...such a gift. We do remember what they look like and we have many photos, but new ones that we haven't seen before are always such a wonderful gift! Also, I have a Pandora bracelet, and she bought a little car for it...not your "typical" punch buggy, but enough so to bring smiles. She liked the two little white stones in front for the headlights and the two little red ones in back for the tail lights, which are so cute and as she showed them to me, we noticed there is a tiny license plate on the back, between the red stones...it is a tiny little heart! So sweet. Jameson (Cathi's youngest) gave me a cute little heart dog tag for Lucy, with pink stones around the edges. Davis is taking me to the store tomorrow to pick up another charm for my bracelet.

We ended Sunday with driving the boys (Cathi's two) to Boston for a Celtics game which turned out to be one of the best of the year. While they were at the game, Cathi and I went to dinner, had wonderful Italian food. Time was getting short so we only ate a little and brought the rest home, with me looking forward to a sweet lunch today. Ha...not to happen. I put it on the sofa when I came in Sunday evening, and then went into an afib episode and so totally forgot about the looked forward to leftovers, until this morning (Monday morning) when I remembered them, still on the sofa! As for the afib, I went back into sinus rhythm on my own after a couple of hours, and a check with my doctor this afternoon showed all was okay.

I will post some pics of the snowstorm...we did get dumped on, but luckily never lost power. Of course, came across a heart in my photo quest, and the pink light? your guess...

Happy birthday, mom...honey...

this one is the first thing we saw after the storm...couldn't open the storm door, but when we finally pushed it open, this is what was there...

and these are the rest...once we dug out...

[BrendaDup59]

Hello My Friends,

Today is Andy's second angelversary. Would you please take a moment to remember that he lived and do something kind for another person in his memory? Thank you so much.

Love,

Pam

Pam I am so sorry I missed your Andy's 2nd Angelversary , I hope you felt him hugging you . your in my thoughts and prayers Love Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

BECKY: LOVE the "Rastafarian rainbow" and that your daughter held the sign for Jared up to the speed limit sign...too bad they couldn't have just fastened it in place! The Rastafarian colors hold meaning for us, as well. Mike was a huge fan... When I was first considering getting a puppy, my daughter sent me a picture of Lucy, that was in the ad for her. Lucy was laying on the floor and between her paws was a hackey sack...in the Rastafarian colors... Yes, this is the dog we got, and yes, she has worked out beautifully.

KATE:...so very sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis, and his current state of mind...I pray he regains his strength and it allows him to fight this fight. You both are in my prayers. I am also sorry about the lack of support from your family.

DEE: I do hope your back is improving...so debilitating, I know. I've been having some problems with my knee and hip again, and it is hard to deal with.

BETSY: love that you did the hike. Thanks for the pictures...I like the sign on the tree root...was it there or did you put it there?

KATHY: Thinking of you as the 18th approaches. Though the years pass, this date just holds onto our hearts and reminds us (like we need reminding...) of the rending of our heart on that day of days that left our life so changed. Jessica is so close to you, and so very proud of you and of Tavian...such a wonderful gift, but "at least you have Tavian" just doesn't change your heartbreak.

GRETCHEN: Don't recall if I've mentioned to you that Forest's memorial is just so beautiful and a wonderful creation.

PAM: Apologize for the late thoughts...thinking of you and of your sweet ANDY, and saying his name out loud. Always remembering...

BETTY: So good, as always, to see your sweet Stephen's smile, and COLLEEN: As well for Brian's shinging face...

SANDY: Holding you close...prayers for your hubby.

LORA: Thinking of you.

SHERRY: So glad that kitty is better.

To ALL: Think of you everyday, and as always, you are all in my prayers. I hope that you have good days this week, and perhaps dreams of your sweet angels.

We got totally dumped on in this snowstorm...almost 30" in our front yard. Had some tremendous pictures, though. Davis helped the plow guy out in our driveway, as it was just so overwhelming. Poor little Lucy, just didn't know what to do, until Davis shoveled out a little area for her, though she does indeed love the snow!

Finished up my birthday celebration this Sunday with Cathi and the boys...cake, ice cream and a couple of sweet little presents from Cathi. First was an envelope of pictures she had found when she searched through her photos from over the years and found a dozen of so of her dad that I hadn't seen before...such a gift. We do remember what they look like and we have many photos, but new ones that we haven't seen before are always such a wonderful gift! Also, I have a Pandora bracelet, and she bought a little car for it...not your "typical" punch buggy, but enough so to bring smiles. She liked the two little white stones in front for the headlights and the two little red ones in back for the tail lights, which are so cute and as she showed them to me, we noticed there is a tiny license plate on the back, between the red stones...it is a tiny little heart! So sweet. Jameson (Cathi's youngest) gave me a cute little heart dog tag for Lucy, with pink stones around the edges. Davis is taking me to the store tomorrow to pick up another charm for my bracelet.

We ended Sunday with driving the boys (Cathi's two) to Boston for a Celtics game which turned out to be one of the best of the year. While they were at the game, Cathi and I went to dinner, had wonderful Italian food. Time was getting short so we only ate a little and brought the rest home, with me looking forward to a sweet lunch today. Ha...not to happen. I put it on the sofa when I came in Sunday evening, and then went into an afib episode and so totally forgot about the looked forward to leftovers, until this morning (Monday morning) when I remembered them, still on the sofa! As for the afib, I went back into sinus rhythm on my own after a couple of hours, and a check with my doctor this afternoon showed all was okay.

I will post some pics of the snowstorm...we did get dumped on, but luckily never lost power. Of course, came across a heart in my photo quest, and the pink light? your guess...

Happy birthday, mom...honey...

this one is the first thing we saw after the storm...couldn't open the storm door, but when we finally pushed it open, this is what was there...

and these are the rest...once we dug out...

Carol your pictures are something .. I just glad it missed KY , even though it's pretty .. Lulu is so cute .. it's so amazing how your Mike's keep letting you know they are with you.. Take Care Love Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Carol, I love the signs your Mikes send to you! Wow!! The pink light is amazing!! That's their love shining down on you! Glad you are ok, despite the amount of snow to deal with! Wow!

I woke yesterday and today to the music playing from Jared's photobox! Didn't go to bed until late both nights, and it was turned OFF! The strange part was that the picture part wasn't on, just the music... "Forever Young" playing as I came down the stairs this morning! Can't help but smile, because most of the songs are very upbeat, they are the ones we played at his funeral during the viewing. His favorites..No tears on that day...in fact we smiled often as the duel HUGH screens showed pictures of his life, a celebration of his life and knowing that his spirit was already in heaven. The tears came later, and continue.

I wish we could have left Jared's sign attached to the speed sign! Didn't want to break the law..

[tobyfreefoot]

ANDY ANDY ANDY will gladly perform service in your name and may the warmth and love of selfless acts pour down upon your mother everytime she thinks of you.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee-have tickets for this

http://www.gentlemenoftheroad.com/guthrie/post/alabama-shakes-announcement/