Loss of an Adult Child

[JD99501]

Your local off his rocker boy is taking all of you on two adventures!

1) I am currently working on a graphic novel detailing my loss experience so those that don't know might get an idea.

2) I am going to Antarctica in August. And I am dragging you guys with me. At least dragging the forum. That is where I will be posting from.

I will post more detail at a slightly later date.

Peace!

[Guest]

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[KC's Mom]

Having a rough day today. Don't know if I mentioned or not but my son died of a drug overdose in Nov 2009. He had been doing so well and found everything right-counseling, aa with a sponsor and taking some meds to help him. He was making such progress and was home with us and for whatever reason something triggered him to use. My husband found him. Well I work in a school and a student overdosed and was life flighted from his home. Many days I can deal with this but today...not so much. It was brought up at lunch today in a way that was to me kind of gossipy and it got to me. I know what the family of that boy is going through and I know the judgement that people have. They do to mean to but they do out of ignorance. I am so sensitive to when people make broad judging statements about people when they don't know what that person might be going through.

Just a tough day and when I start down this road if being down I don't seem to be able to pull back up until I go all the way down. And eventually everything becomes about missing my son, no matter how unrelated.

Jeri

[Mermaid Tears]

A very grateful Thank You to each of you that reached out to me....I feel more 'balanced' today....or maybe a little more 'justified'.....I find myself vulnerable at times....and I have always been the kind that 'knows my mind' and hardly ever back tracks but often I feel 'soft'.....and try to second guess my thoughts....I am guessing because I am 3/4's shut down and trying to run on 100%.

Lora....I, too, have pondered the 'just get-out-of-Town' notion....maybe I need an adventure to challenge me....

Surreal.....applause for you to write the 'book'....I can imagine that you could read over some posts and use them to explain the raw...wounded...empty hearts...please include us in your adventure..

Jeri.....you can read my posts...and yes....people can be very crass in their judgement calls....and the words can wound our already broken hearts....please take very good care of yourself when you find you are going 'down'....blessings to you.

Dee....once again....your words....and the way you can 'word a situation' hit the nail on the head...I felt like I got a hug....and a thump on the back....and could see things in a new light...and all was a little brighter. Today was a much better day than the last week...and I needed a good day...really bad. Blessings to you.

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[ericasmom]

Okay Folks, this is a hug to you all because I do feel this song hugged me on my way to school today, it always was a tune that made me smile and sing, but I found the utube of it and now I know why...I do believe this is what our Kids are feeling and doing, and when they greet a newbie, this is what heaven must be like for many. I showed this utube to my students today, they watched it twice, loving it.

Susan, glad that my post did not sound bossy as it indeed was a hug and an atta-girl to you---many here have suffered under the words and expectations of our family or friends when we lose a child, how ludicrous is that? Sometimes we just need to take the lead and spell it out leaving little to no room for a rebuttal. I am so very glad that you are feeling better. HOORAY!

Jeri, the news of that student and the subsequent gossiping behavior must have sent you back to your darkest times. I know what you mean, sometimes something takes us down and sometimes we go all the way down, and have to make that hard journey back to the surface again. I wrote a poem about that a long time ago, it had to do with the trips to the bottom and why they sometimes provided us some good. Well relatively speaking anyhow. I do hope that you let us more about your Sweet Son, he will always be your Boy and He will always love you.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I do believe this lead singer looks like Forest, his mannerisms and his beautiful happy spirit.

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[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thanks for sharing the video. I really enjoyed it. Glad yur outing to the Gallery was so enjoyable and hope you have a good visit wit your friends at dinner.

Brenda...How cute is that? Those grandies of yours are precious! Hope your household soon manages to kick the flu bug.

Jeri...my son died almost the same time as yours. December 12,2009. I do understand how sensitive we can feel to the thoughtless comments of others. Try to block it out as coming from people that simply do not understand. Hang in there. It takes ages to feel as if you can move forward.

Well, I also feel the same about attending funerals. Since Jeff's death I have only been to my MIL's. Tomorrow I have to attend the funeral of a close and dear friend that I have known for forty years. It is going to be tough. This is one I can't get out of. Still can't believe she's gone. It happened so fast.

It has been a difficult period since Christmas. Health issues for both my husband and myself. This next week he is going into the hospital. I have to say that my faith is being tested to the max. I am very tired.

Sherry....the rabbits would not eat the dry dog food. Guess they need something easier to chew. We have had a ton of snow since yesterday. It warmed up to -22C and then we had a fair amount of snow. If it continues like this we could possibly be in for flooding this spring. I would say we have approximately three feet of snow in the yard. The drifts in areas are approximately five feet high. Very different from the past few years. It is changing like crazy up here. Up and down like a yo-yo.

Thinking of everyone and sending warm thoughts and love. Have a good evening.

Kate

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[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Lora, I appreciate it! We are sitting here and my husband is in his glory. His favorite hockey team is winning. We had started a pilot weekly TV program with Kevin Bacon and kept switching back to the game. The movie was good, but too gory for me. Just about to make myself a cup of tea and go to bed to read. Hope you stay warm and don't get too much snow. Have a good day tomorrow.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Me too Lora, that is how I picture Eri, dancing to the beat of happiness, on mesas and mountain edges, free spirited, with others tuned in to the beat of new found joy. I know you did not want more snow, but at least it will help with the lack of ground water...I wish you deep sleep and to feel rested. Yes, the children today told me that that song was in Matilda. I watched Matilda with Eri so so long ago. We loved it. Sort of timeless hu?

Kate, you have had quite a hard winter, I do so hope that your husband is going to be okay. I know that tomorrow will be difficult, a very sad time and one loss brings forth the others for sure. You stay as long as you can, your friend would surely say to go home if things get to be too heavy, too hard. She'll be with you in all you do. Did your friend know Jeff well? Maybe Jeff is helping her adjust to her new home.

[JD99501]

This one of the first rough images from the novel.

I will be down on the ice for three months. I hope I get to write often.

~Surreal or JD If you gotta

[517958]

Hello all Indigos,

I haven’t written in a while but wanted to check in. I come often to read and I’m always sorry to see new parents on here who have started this painful journey.

I wanted to share with you about our family’s trip to Smile Again Ministries in Crosslake, MN. Smile Again is run by Pat and Judy Misener who lost their beautiful daughter Mickey 24 years ago. They have been able to turn their sorrow into the action of helping other grieving parents. They have a beautiful lodge near a lake and is in the middle of the beautiful northern MN woods. Our family stayed for 5 days and we had daily 2 hour counseling sessions with Pat and Judy. My daughter, Julia, also spent time talking to Judy through a game called The Goodbye Game. We’ve had counseling before but never from someone who has lost a child so the time spent with Pat and Judy was so healing because they really understand us. I would recommend to you all to get there if you can. It’s about 2.5 hours from the Mpls/St. Paul area. They only charge $50 per night as it is a non-profit. I can tell you that my heart is lighter since we spent time with them. Their website is smileagainministries.com.

So things have been going okay I guess. At 1.5 years out I still have plenty of really bad days. Now I realize though, that when I’m having a bad day or stretch of days, that it will pass and I will have better days so I try to be patient and “wait out” the bad times. We’ve also been trying to have a baby for a year which is not going well. I suppose the extreme stress doesn’t help! But lately I’ve been trying to trust in God’s plan for my life which is hard to do. Just like all of you, my life isn’t quite working out the way I had planned.

[Jeff's Mom]

Surreal....that sounds like a very daunting task you are undertaking. Have you been training for long? I see today on our news that the Twin Otter plane that crashed there was now recovered by rescuers. All three Canadian researchers out of Calgary are dead. I gather that this is the summer for them. When do you hope to arrive? We look forward to hearing about your adventures. They would be in the throes of the Midnight sun about now. Awesome opportunity.

Dee, thanks. How was dinner last evening? Hope you had a terrific time. I had known Mary since I was in my teens. Her mom worked for our business. We go back a long way. I will make every attempt to stay throughout the entire service. Her daughter is the lovely woman that I told you suffered a major stroke about seven years ago. The Docs wanted her to allow them to pull the plug on her. She was on in her mid thirties at the tine with two young boys. Mar refused to give in. She worked diligently to get her back on her feet and functioning as best as she could. Today her daughter is now remarried and driving a car that is outfitted for her disability. Never say never!

Thinking of everyone today. Stay strong those who are having a bad day. Sending love and warm thoughts.

Love, Kate

[KC's Mom]

Surreal I love the graphic. I think that is how I feel sometimes, chained to my grief. Dee I love the video and my Casey so loved his music so I do think that is heaven for him. Here's a link to another video that has always been how I picture him in heaven and I think it is all of our kids, in pure joy! I couldn't figure out how to attach it so I copied the link. Let me know if it doesn't work.

Well I just made a fresh cup of tea and I think it is time for me to tell you my story. I have to start it in Oct. 1999. My big sister was killed on a Sunday night by a drunk driver drag racing and crossed the median going 90 mph. Debbie was killed instantly. Although the police knew who she was they didn't know who her family was to contact until the next day when her hospitals HR dept. opened and could check her file. My youngest sister got that phone call. The hardest part is not getting to say good bye. I had talked to her the night before and tried calling her the evening she was killed. My family chose to look at all the blessings and gifts that we could see in perhaps God was preparing us for this. Deb and my little sister had just come to see me in Texas 2 weeks before she died. Ok that being said I worried about my kids. I had been through that pain and never wanted to go through that again. And the only think that could be worse was something happening to one of my kids......hello!

That background is important because that worry intensified my worry about Casey as we found ourselves dealing with substance abuse. Hind sight is 20/20 and we believe Casey started down his path in 8th/9th grade. He was very athletic and was an awesome football player in middle school, so much so that they were looking to have him play varsity as a freshman. But he had been complaining of back pain off and on through that year after football. And when it hurt too much he finally let me take him to the dr. Turns out he had a stress fracture in his lower back requiring him to be in a back brace for 3 months- no football. Then on top of that his 2 best friends who we called 3 peas on pod and accused them all of sharing one brain, had girlfriends. So not as much time for Casey. I now believe he was grieving the lost of who he was or how he viewed himself. Knowing what I do now, I would have put him in counseling but who knew then.

He started down a path that we fought for several years. Addiction is an awful disease in which we were powerless to control. By Casey's senior year we knew we had a big problem as he was using heroin. He had him assessed and he went in to out patient rehab. God does work in funny ways as the first night he went was family night and also grad of the program were there for what is called after care. They told their stories and over half of them were alcoholics with Dui's and were court mandated to be there. These were the people that killed my sister, I wanted to run. But instead I began to understand the magnitude of the disease and also how one second or one decision can change your life forever, in a way you would never want.

Fast forward to the fall of 2009. My daughter was married to her college sweetheart in sept. it was such a fun day of love, laughter, family and friends. It was the happiest day for our family. The morning after the wedding we had to fly to Ohio to take our youngest son to begin college at Ohio state. It was crazy! Casey was home with us and doing so well, I so loved having him at home so our nest was not empty. Nov.12,2009 my husband found Casey in his bathroom and knew it was probably too late but call 911 and tried to save him. Once again I never got to say good bye. The night before Casey helped me make dinner and then came in to the bedroom where I was watching tv to ask if he could finish the leftovers. I said of course can't remember if I told him I loved him and that has haunted me. I told him all the time and I know he knew that but that was the last time I ever talked to him. When you have an addict that you love you always know this can happen, but knowing and having it happen are 2 very different things. So on my daughter's 2 month anniversary we sat in the same church, same pew and same minister for Casey's. memorial service. We had the happiest day of our lives and the worse possible day in our lives within 2 months. Any empty nest is a very hard term for us because it is something we cannot rejoice.

My Casey is the sweetest most caring a loving sensitive boy and y'all know how much I miss him. Kate our beautiful boys died a month apart to the day. Dee- I would love to read your poem about going down. Right after Casey died I called it a big black hole that had swallowed my. I was able to pull myself up and get my head above it but only for minutes before it would pull me down again. Now I am able stay up more then I am pulled down for sure but it is still there ready to pull me down again.

I know this is long but thank you for caring and listening to my story.

Jeri-Casey's proud mom

[Mermaid Tears]

KC's Mom......a similar passing happened to some friends .....their son had been in Rehab...returned home and was doing great...working for the family business and getting his life back on track....then she (the Mom) went to wake him..and he was gone....and it was her birthday...she has had such a dark...dark year.

We all have our stories...of our sweet child....and I do want to hear ...and I will hear you again and again....I find great courage in each of you....for it takes courage to reach out and share. I think even if I am down in the dust....I am finding a strength in myself. It may not look like the courage you read about in books....but it is my courage.

Loved the videos....have shared them on my FB page....letting my friends and family know I am celebrating John David....and while we are here...we may as well dance.

[ericasmom]

Here is one poem I wrote a long while ago, still looking for the one about going down to the depths.

Loss and Repair

My heart beats to rhythms otherwise unknown

To the rhythms of loss and repair-

Loss and repair-

Loss and repair.

Each loss causes the need for work, for repair.

I must caulk in those fishers before they give way,

and spackle the deep creases where nests of grief rest against my heart.

I don’t live there the whole time,

But it is hard to leave the dark space,

I force my self out into a new day and

design a new life,

using heart and spirit like a spinning wheel,

and I weave new strands of courage

beautiful and golden patches- in which to strengthen my weakest places.

And I listen to the new rhythms of

Loss and repair.

[ericasmom]

Jeri, your story has my heart...thank you for sharing. Sometimes we find our stories difficult to tell, but here, we find the beauty in our remembrances too. Your most happy day right next to your saddest time, juxtaposed like so many things in our lives. I know you are proud of your Son for all the hard work he put in, and he is likewise proud of you for the same kind of determination...

Peace.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....you captured the 'feeling' I have been feeling....you hit the soft spot just right...thank you for sharing...

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Surreal, I look forward to your postings on your trip. Your artwork reminds me of my daughter's art, beautiful! She used to do a lot of anime drawings, Jared did too.

Beautiful songs and poems posted here, thanks for sharing.

I just had to come back and put my Jared's face in the poster of the angel dance!

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....I think I told you....your Cara's Angel date is my daughter's birthday....also...the day my Dad died.....when I asked my daughter, Randa, if it would hurt or bother her....she said 'No Mom...I know that is when he went to heaven to be with Mimi (my Mom...her grandmother)....I had been led to this website in such a strange way....for I was looking for something else.....now the connection to the 'all of you and the each of you' is so amazing.....I know for sure the 'signs' are for you from your baby girl....we just need to open our hearts a little wider.....to receive them...

Becky....I simply love what you do with your 'art'....from the heart...wish I was that gifted...please keep sharing for they are so beautiful.....

Dee...am keeping all your words here with me....

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[dsmurph]

Emily leaves me signs too. I started keeping a journal of them.

[ericasmom]

Chars Mom, so good to see you today and to read that you have all been so lifted by your experience at the camp in Minnesota. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and wish goodness for you.

KC's Mom, thanks for the dancing video, such wondrous places and beautiful people joining in. Made me smile and think of our dancing angels and then Becky sent her Angel dancing for us. Lovely.

Sherry, many birds on these cold winter days, some cardinals hanging near the new feeder and the level of seed is going down so someone is eating it. Husband saw a female cardinal on the feeder along with some finch and sparrows.

DS, glad that your Girl gives you messages/signs. When I recognize something from Eri, it is golden.

Lora, a dream is a great way to wake up and the deer another sign that Cara is near and hears your wonderings.

[Mermaid Tears]

Am going to ask a favor....could you post the 'signs' you see or receive ?? I think sometimes I get in my own way....I did have this 'amazing' dream....what should I look for ? I would think each sign is very personal.....as our child had their own 'persona'......maybe I should work to throw the blanket off....but that is something on it's own time.

[dsmurph]

I have had many many signs since Emily has passed. I can not deny them, I know what I saw and felt. Within a week of her passing I saw her briefly on my loveseat, where she always sat. Afew days later I felt someone in the room with me, staring at me. It was very strong. At one point my other daughter came into the kitchen and said something to me and walked away. The feeling was so strong that a couple of minutes later I thought she was still behind me, I turned to realise she was not. I knew it was Emily. We went to my parent's house that weekend to spend the night and see emily's grave the next day. I woke up out of a very deep sleep to see this beautiful ball of little indivisual flickering lights on my husband's side of the bed. I blinked, it was still there. Then it left while I was looking at it. Emily. Within a day we had a smell only in our bedroom for about 2-3 hours. It was no where else. We had not been sleeping inthere, still don't. But that smell lasted and was gone. Emily. Since then I have felt her, but not as strong. I have this metal design sitting on my mantel. I have taken pictures and her dried flowers and placed then in the grooves of this. I woke up the other morning to see 2 pictures of Emily on the floor. I didn't think much about them, picked them up to put them back, I noticed the long stemmed dried rose was gone. I found it placed between her glasses and a couple of pictures onthe mantle. When I say placed I mean there is no way that long stem rose could have been blown out of there. It would have had to have been picked up. Emily. I put that rose back up there and then decided I would put it back and got another one to put in it's place. Someone told me that it could not happen if the Father did not allow it. So, with that I am thankful that He allows me to still see Emily. I do pray that she come visit me but only if it does not hinder her there. I enjoy these moments, even though I still wish she was here with us physically.I do get comfort in knowing she is still with us spiritually.

[dsmurph]

I have had many many signs since Emily has passed. I can not deny them, I know what I saw and felt. Within a week of her passing I saw her briefly on my loveseat, where she always sat. Afew days later I felt someone in the room with me, staring at me. It was very strong. At one point my other daughter came into the kitchen and said something to me and walked away. The feeling was so strong that a couple of minutes later I thought she was still behind me, I turned to realise she was not. I knew it was Emily. We went to my parent's house that weekend to spend the night and see emily's grave the next day. I woke up out of a very deep sleep to see this beautiful ball of little indivisual flickering lights on my husband's side of the bed. I blinked, it was still there. Then it left while I was looking at it. Emily. Within a day we had a smell only in our bedroom for about 2-3 hours. It was no where else. We had not been sleeping inthere, still don't. But that smell lasted and was gone. Emily. Since then I have felt her, but not as strong. I have this metal design sitting on my mantel. I have taken pictures and her dried flowers and placed then in the grooves of this. I woke up the other morning to see 2 pictures of Emily on the floor. I didn't think much about them, picked them up to put them back, I noticed the long stemmed dried rose was gone. I found it placed between her glasses and a couple of pictures onthe mantle. When I say placed I mean there is no way that long stem rose could have been blown out of there. It would have had to have been picked up. Emily. I put that rose back up there and then decided I would put it back and got another one to put in it's place. Someone told me that it could not happen if the Father did not allow it. So, with that I am thankful that He allows me to still see Emily. I do pray that she come visit me but only if it does not hinder her there. I enjoy these moments, even though I still wish she was here with us physically.I do get comfort in knowing she is still with us spiritually.

[ericasmom]

DS, soon after Erica died, I too was lucky to see her sitting in the chair next to my bed, I got up to use the bathroom and there she sat, one leg swung over the arm, smiling. She did not have her dreadlocks, she just smiled. I said, wait a minute can you? But she only stayed for a half minute if that. She did not speak. Many times in that first and second year I felt her, it was like a tingling in my scalp at the base of neck on up. It was she, knew that from the first time. I have had many other things, mostly with lights and light itself, but once with smells, and many with music. Each message is a comfort. There have been many dreams both experienced by me but in that first year, 5 of her girlfriends all had a similar dream, all of them away at different colleges. The dream so similar that there was no mistaking that Eri was letting them know that she was, " more than fine." This phrase spoken in each of the dreams the girls had. As more time passes these are less so, maybe as she goes along needing to be in other places, but I know that she is with me, she knows I carry her everywhere.

[Mermaid Tears]

DS & Dee.....thank you for sharing....it gives me great comfort hearing from you....for both of you are the 'real deal' so to speak....

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[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Lora for sharing what I know is a very cherished and personal story....and as I said ...coming from this forum....I know it is the 'real deal'....how incredible sweet...and unique all the stories...and I need to hear ....

[ericasmom]

I agree Susan, that story about the thumb drive of Cara's is certainly something that we cannot deny as message. These are the ways our Baby's let us know that they are fine, that they are okay, that they are right here, home in our hearts.

the photo I am attaching was taken one morning a long time ago, probably a year or so after Eri died. I was walking in the forest preserve near the access road, I stood and asked aloud, Where are YOU ERI? Right then a shaft of light just opened up in front of me, and as you can see, the sun had been up for a while and is not directly above but the light is pouring from directly above. I snapped it and thanked Eri for showing me that while she had been quiet and I hadn't felt her for a while, there she was, my light.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Dee....that is just an amazing 'glory' photo....your Eri...showing off her glory to you...and we as parents want our children to be in the 'light' ...this has been one of the Sunday kind of days....I have needed a day without any 'thing' to do...or an event to go to...finally a day to myself....just found out a couple of days ago that one of my friends here in Brenham..has pancreatic cancer....many of her friends were gathered at her Doll Shop in Downtown to have a final sales day for she is closing her shop....I do what my Grama did when anyone was sick...made her recipe for Chicken soup...and baked up Pop-overs...(that is what she would bake to go with her soup).....I was lost in memory of going into her kitchen and sometimes there would be two huge pots stewing on the stove....many times I would go with her to deliver the food....one day as we were leaving a house I said..."Grama, Miss Florence isn't sick" and she replied..."My soup is also for the broken hearted". I delivered the food to the shop and visited with the many women there gathered to help and I felt so unprepared for the flood of emotions for I knew that for her family....dark days were ahead....but then ..the darkest would be with them. I had this sense that I was enlightened with this knowledge of a circle and I could assure each of them that all would be ok. No...I did not say anything...it was just like I was washed with this conviction and the clouds in my head were gone. Where does that come from...for I did not go there with those thoughts. I felt so at peace. I wish I felt like that all the time....for I simply don't...but it was a comfort to have that feeling if just for a little while.

I woke up this morning thinking about 'signs'...I think I have been so out of it...I wouldn't know if there was anything at all around me but trying to put one foot in front of the other and take care of the take care and feeling the 200 lb. grief that sits...walks...eats...talks....with me. I have to remind myself to keep going back to the 'self care'....I can only imagine that shaft of white light bringing you such comfort and warmth...maybe I should do a little more asking....my husband is in a 'freeze' kind of state....if I get upset...or I cry....he just can't handle it....and then I feel like I have to take care of him....and be careful for his sake.....but I learned years and years ago....that I was always stronger than him....he is a very smart and capable person...but not equipped to handle anything like this grief or loss....I know in time I will be able to have a deep talk with him....but not now...I have a GRANDson who is a Freshman in High School....he is so much like John David....even down to how he stands on the football field and many mannerisms..and the same 'hunt,fish, football, baseball' kind of persona..and John David did many things with him..now he has been spending every spare moment he can with me and I was looking for a coat of mine one day but found John David's Pea Coat...I broke down in sobs...and he did, too....that 6 ft. boy just dissolved....we had a good talk...but it is still like walking in thin ice for everyone. I was wishing I could see a sign....to share with my Hunter Bear.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say I am thinking of everyone this weekend. Hope your last few days were ok. Thanks Lora, for the kind thoughts. I appreciate it! The funeral yesterday was beautifully done. Planned to the last detail as she would have liked. The place was packed to the rafters. People of all ages. She was greatly admired and will be missed very much.

Today was an awesome day. The weather finally broke. We attended church this morning and then went for a lovely walk. Today the temps actually climbed to -6C. Considering that it actually hit -40C on Tuesday night I have to say that this seems glorious. Saw a majestic snowy owl perched up high on a tree. He just sat there as unconcerned as can be as we walked by.

As to signs from our kids? Well, as many of the older members know I have had many. The actual visit from a woman at a Tea Room in November that told me my son had a message for me was bar none the highlight. I have felt a true sense of peace since that visit. I have found that it was not so much in looking for things but in the innocence of them happening at the most unexpected times. It does help to give us a sense of reassurance and comfort knowing that they are not actually dead but living in another realm. It gives me strength that I know we will be reunited again in time. That is what helps to carry me through the low points when my sadness appears to take over. I always enjoy reading what everyone else has to say about their signs. It is very encouraging.

This is going to be a really hectic week. Please keep my hubby in your prayers. Sending love your way. Take care. Love, Kate

[dsmurph]

I am sitting here crying as I read your stories. Thank you all so much for sharing. It confirms to me even more that she is ok, even though I knew it already. I am so thankful to you Dee for sharing the similar story to mine of seeing your daughter. My oldest daughter has dreams almost every night about Emily. One dream was that she told her she really didn't die, she ran away to another country, which in all truth is what she did do. I do not blame her at all. Shotly after she passed, I was taking a shower, and it came to me clear as can be, 14 was my hardest year as a teen. I'm so glad to hear of other stories about our loved ones showing themselves. It lets me know it is probably a normal thing. I think some of us are more open to receive than others. Blessings

[dsmurph]

I had forgotten about my camera incident until I read one of until Lora mentioned hers. One day I took some pictures of My youngest daughter. I downloaded them onto my computer. As I was doing that 2 pictures I didn't even know were on the camera flashed a couple of times on my screen. I had been through my camera several times since Emily passed, never seeing these. I've just passed it off as strange but, now I realise it was more than likely My Emily Grace.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, my sinus /migraine is finally letting up and I wanted to get on here , I am having a hard time right now just missing Brian so much that when I just take a few minutes to think about him I just get sick, then I am really missing my other son Brett and grand kids ..this new life I have to live just really sucks (sorry) .. I just have been trying to keep busy doing a lot of things I have put off because I just couldn't bring myself to do anything this last 10 months . wow cant believe it has been 10 months feels like yesterday.

I did want to tell about my signs .. the day we went up to help Traci make the funeral plans we went by the accident site ..and I found a huge red/brown feather .. from what I have I read feathers are one sign and every time I turn around I am finding penny's lately but the first time I ask Brian to show me an Orange vehicle on my way home one morning I happen to look up and see a huge orange garbage truck on the other side of the interstate coming towards me I thought I was seeing things because I did not know we had them here in Louisville KY so I just laughed and said Thanks Brian you could have given me something someone would believe. well later that day I had a doctors appointment and I walked in his office and turned around and a lady was sitting there with the brightest orange shirt on .. I continued to see the brightest color orange every where cars/trucks on the way home an Orange Taxi crossed in front of me .. and for weeks I continued to see the color orange.Brian like the color orange and I wanted to ask for something I would know he was showing me . I am also a bird watcher as you know buy the pictures I post well one day I had been watching them and decided to put my window and screen up and was sitting there I had ask Brian to send me a bird that I had not seen in awhile and that is when the Cooper hawk landed in the tree . I told this one and posted the pictures of it I think last week. another time I had been sitting outside watching and taking pictures of the hummingbirds I was by myself and all the sudden I felt a tap on my head I thought my husband had come out and was messing with me well I looked back no one was there so I went back to watching and it happen again this time I jumped up and no one was there and I knew Brian was doing it he had that kind of personality .. I also had it happen the other day while I was laying on my bed it felt like a light tap ,and then there is the smell of cigarette smoke in my room .. my son was a smoker and when he would visit it never failed he put his cigarette butts in my flower pot outside by the door and I would always say something to him because I don't smoke so the odor would be strong on him, I have had that happen a few times my mom and niece have all experienced that . I have so many more .. I know his youngest daughter would see him right after he passed she would be talking to someone and would wave and make kissing sounds .. I have her on video with my DIL asking her if her daddy was there and she says yes as she looks off . I miss him so much he was my oldest and he had the biggest heart he didn't always make the right choices in life but I can say I could not ask for a better son or father he loved his children .

the picture of Brian with his friend was taken at a tailgate party in January 2 months before he was killed .. sorry this is so long . I hope everyone has a good night .

[dsmurph]

Thank you Brenda, another confirmation. Blessings

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, so glad you have decided to stay put tomorrow. Icy roads can make for hazardous driving conditions. Stay warm and safe.

Oh, Brenda...(HUGS) I'm sorry today is a bad one. Hang in there. Glad your migraine has started to clear up. I hope that one day the signs that you are given will help to give you strength and the determination to move forward. As hard as it is...they are trying to tell us that they are fine and they are the ones that are worried about us and wanting to let us know that this is a natural process. Be patient...it takes ages to find a sense of purpose again. Each week can bring a series of challenges that can seem oh so difficult to deal with. Go easy with yourself. One day at a time is all you can ask of yourself.

[Guest]

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[dsmurph]

thank you

[ericasmom]

Debbie, which of the beautiful girls is your Sweet Emily? All three women/girls are beautiful.

Lora, glad that you will stay home in the ice, it ice-rained here today adn they said it is moving east. It is now warming up through the night, how odd the weather, so after a week of wind chills in the single digits, we are warming up to 45 or 50 tomorrow, 60 on Tuesday and then by Thursday will be back down to 15. No wonder my head is pounding and I feel like a new cold is starting...it is the changes in the weather.

Brenda, good that you are beginning to feel better. Let those signs bolster your spirit.

Kate, I am glad that the funeral was a good send-off to your friend. Long may she run. May your week bring good news to your family.

[dsmurph]

Emily is the one in the pink. She always stood on her tippy toes so sh could be an inch or 2 taller than me and her sister, Lyrik, Hava is the youngest.

[shellyku]

Good Morning All! Been reading this early morning as I do each day and noticed

the subject of signs being discussed. The first "sign" I received was the morning

after Sarah passed away. I had been given a bracelet by a coworker that was made

by a woman he knew who lost her son to leukemia. She would make them with different

color crystals for the different cancers, i.e. leukemia=orange, breast cancer=pink, etc.

The bracelet had a "toggle" closure, a bar into a circle. I had so much trouble putting

this thing on and off that I just left it on always. When I awoke the morning after Sarah

died with my hands and arms under my pillow as I always slept, in between my right

thumb and forefinger was the bar, and the rest of the bracelet lay on the bed beneath

my pillow. I know I couldn't have removed that bracelet in my sleep...I couldn't do it awake.

It was almost as if she was saying, "It's over, Mom...the leukemia is over."

I cry as I write this. I believe she lives. I believe all our angels live. If we can open the

eyes of our eyes to see what isn't in front of us, but what's behind the veil maybe we'll

have more signs and visits. Problem with that is: grief is a big, black cloud. It blocks our view.

I pray for everyone here that the cloud begins to lift and our view becomes clearer.

Love, Shelly

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Yesterday, my husband and I were given a "puzzle piece" award by our Pop Warner Football and Cheer program, as we handed over the reigns to the new president and vice president. We stayed on for another year after losing our son, Jared, but after nine years, it was finally time to move on.

The award says that we will always be a missing piece of the puzzle.

I will still do their website, but the task of the day to day operations now falls to someone else. We spent the first five years of the program with our son, Jared, playing football, and kinda got stuck there after that as nobody stepped up to the challenge. Members of this organization were there for us when we lost Jared, organizing the dinner after the funeral, and much more.

So much of what I feel, is overshadowed by the memory of the night that we lost Jared. I was in town, three miles away, taking care of Pop Warner business, fundraising, when Jared was hit and killed. It's another of those "what ifs" that is never far from my thoughts.

That's me in the middle and hubby on the right.

[Guest]

..

[daveydow1]

Dee----Thanks for the Rusted Root video....good song. We are getting lots of

birds at the feeders....had to go to the garden center nearby and get more seed.

I loved your poem...."Loss and Repair"....so true ....what we do after losing a

beloved child. My husband discovered the body of a dead oppossum in the

yard outside our house this a.m. Since my husband is recovering from a nasty

head/chest cold, it was my job to go and remove the oppossum. I used a shovel,

and took it way back into the plowed field. I could not tell if it had been shot or

what else could have caused its death. It was not the same oppossum that visits

our birdfeeding area, because my husband saw that oppossum just a few minutes

later.....snacking on birdseed. ( I call him "Pogo" ). I think I saw Rusted Root once,

as an opening act for another band at a concert in Cleveland.

Lora----How are your cats? I had my cat 'Misty' to the vets again. She's now on

a special canned food for touchy digestive problems in cats. It's expensive....Yikes....

and she loves it, and eats almost a can a day. The food can only be bought at

the vets office. Frightfully expensive, but she is doing well eating it. Vet said to

keep her on it for 30 days. Also, she's on a probiotic additive, and antibiotic drops

which I mix with her food. (Impossible to put it in her mouth as they suggested at

the vets office......she ran & hid when she would see me with the dropper)

I hope you get some relief from your sinus problems....they are dreadful, aren't they?

Kate----Have you tried anything else to feed the rabbits, since they didn't want

the dogfood? Poor things. My, you have so much snow. The 3-4 inches we

got has been slowly melting.

Mermaidtears---Dee's advice for you to tell the people who sent snippy emails

is good advice. Many times people just do not think before they speak, and

their words can be quite hurtful. It is so understandable that you could not go

to the funeral......you're so very new on this grief road. Just take care of your

needs on this rough journey. Others will just have to accept how you walk this

road. They'll just have to understand....and if they don't.....then I agree,.. that's their problem.

Carol-----Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Becky---Nice pics.....Thanks for posting them.

KCsmom--Jeri-----

Yes,...many people can often be judgemental and thoughtless

with their remarks, and as you say.....it can go over into the area of gossipy-type

conversations. They do not know your pain and sorrow that's in your heart.

Wishing you peace and comfort.

Momofchip-----We all must navigate the grief journey in whatever way we can

survive. No other person can tell you how to travel it, in what ways, or how long

you should be taking to grieve. If they do take it upon themselves to tell us how

the grief road should be traveled.....then it is thoughtless on their part, and we

should just ignore the advice. Not always easy to ignore, I know, but this is not

their personal grief, and your way of dealing with your grief is the best way. Peace to you.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry