Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

This morning has started out rather cool..in the 40's...and it doesn't look like it will warm up much today. We Texans think we are having a blizzard when the temps get below 60..LOL....and when it snows, well, we are used to that at all...and we do get a lot of ice...We don't know how to drive when the roads are icy or filled with snow..The cities here do not have the necessary equipment to clear the roads...So we just have to live with it....Hope all of you who live in cooler climates are doing well...I don't think I could survive during the winter where it is below freezing almost every day..My son, Kirk, used to live in Chicago..He loved it, but was ready to move because of the cold winters, so he came back to Texas. Now he complains about the heat in the summertime...LOL

Dee..I need to start reading again..I love to read, but like others, I just can't seem to focus on it...I did read some of the books that Chip was reading in his last days.."Room of Marvels" by James Bryan Smith, "Just Like Jesus" by Max Lucado..and he was reading his bible....and there were others that he borrowed from friends, that I did not get to read.

He was an alcoholic and had joined AA. It had helped him to recover and he said many times that he was so glad he found AA and that he had become clean and sober. If he had not, he knew that his cancer diagnosis would have driven him over the edge...Not that he was suicidal, but he knew he might have done something stupid that could have ended his life sooner...As it was..it was too soon.

The books that I have read since his death have been about what heaven might be like...Two that I read that were particularly helpful..."To Heaven and Back" by Mary C. Neal, MD and "Proof of Heaven" by Ben Alexander, MD...and of course, "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo...It 's amazing how comforting these books can be..I can visualize Chip in heaven...Oh, how happy he must be.

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love.

It can't take away our memories either. In the end love is stronger than death." Thank you, Lora for this lovely thought....Sometimes I think I love Chip more now than I did when he was here....I never dreamed this could happen...I miss him so much.

Chip's 8 year old daughter will be here this weekend..She seems to be doing okay...for a while she did not say much about him....but was very talkative and energetic about other things, which I have read is quite common when a child loses a parent...but lately she has been talking about her daddy more...and more forthcoming with her thoughts about him...She dreams about him almost every night....This past Wednesday I took her out to eat at CC's Pizza...before we ate she wanted to hold hands and say a blessing..She said hers silently. I asked her what she prayed for and she said to see Daddy...I worry about her because her mother is not good at parenting(her family thinks she is bi-polar).....The child has to get herself up in the mornings, fix her own breakfast, dress herself...then wake up Mommy to take her to school..She is late quite often and has a lot of unexcused absences...The school has contacted her mother twice this year about the absences...In Texas, if a child does not attend class at least 90% of the time, they can loose credit for their work..and might get held back...but she is a bright child and makes very good grades in spite of not being in school as much as she should be....She is in counseling at school and that is helping her a lot...but I don't think a child of 8 should have to do so many things for themselves...She is having to grow up way too fast..and dealing with her grief, too. It is really hard for our family to deal with our grief and worry about this child, too. We really wish we could get her out of that household, but it is very difficult to do unless there is proven evidence that the child is suffering from psychological or physical child abuse...and even if we could do something...if the mother goes thru therapy or rehab, she could get the child back.

Boy, I got long winded here..but these were things I needed to say...Bear with me...I'm trying to get thru all of this...Sometimes my strength wavers.

To all of you...good thoughts are going your way. Peace and comfort to you.

Del....I also bought every book that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote....and just finished "Never Letting Go"...by Mark Anthony....I, too, find a layer of comfort in what they have to share.....I agree....it is just so darn hard....your granddaughter seems to be very resilient....having you by her I am sure gives her a support from Grama...and nothing can touch a relationship between a child and grandparent....I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with your journey in grief and then have the added worry about her care....will be saying prayers for you and yours...

[Mermaid Tears]

Brenda, I can understand how hard it must be to watch your DIL move on. It is hard to watch people go on with their lives, while you are still in so much pain. I know with your other DIL, if things don't workout, you found your voice and I know you will find it again, if needed. Maybe the time they spent without you in their lives and their childrens live has had an effect on them. Like you said time will tell. So sweet of you to frame Chip for Del, I can tell she is loving it. I hope for better days for you.

Dee, I love to read but find that the focus is just not there sometimes. Thanks for the hearts, yesterday.

Sherry and Besty, I can understand about the blahs, and Betsy staying active, helps. I just am coming out of the plunge and it has helped me. I am having trouble with my brain again, I go to stores and go in looking where I parked and I come out and can't remember, not even driving into the parking lot. I have a silver car, so it takes me awhile to find it sometimes. It is like back at the beginning of the journey, so I know I went down pretty low this time. Thankful for the sunshine.

Carol, love the hearts as always. I took ballons for Cara, too, and went and this morning and sent it to her.

Kate, thanks for the support, it is an uphill battle, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, probably always will be. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

Thinking of everyone and praying for strength and comfort for all.

On Wednesday my son Jared wrote a quote on Cara's facebook, it was 8 months, the 13 of every month does not affect me as much as it does a lot of her friends, I think I deal with it everyday, maybe.

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love.

It can't take away our memories either. In the end love is stronger than death.

This is true, love never dies, Cara will always be a part of my life, I still love her just as much now as I did when she was on this earth.

Have a good day.

Lora....what a journey this is...isn't it.....am thinking about you....for I 'feel' when I read your words that you are having a very dark..sad..emotional downturn....and once again...you are trying to come up for 'air'....you talked to me about 'self care'....so please be gentle to your mourning soul....of course...this grief is such a physical thing...and I find myself like you when it comes to 'focus' and thinking...it will be 7:30 at night....and then I remember what I should have shopped for...I actually wake up in the mornings and 'have to think hard' what day it is....it is just being overwhelmed with emotions that we don't have a handle on all day...maybe just a few minutes now and then....blessings to you...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Neat little program, Brenda! I had to tweak a bit with photoshop to get a few edges off, but I like it!! Thanks!

[BrendaDup59]

Neat little program, Brenda! I had to tweak a bit with photoshop to get a few edges off, but I like it!! Thanks!

That is great Becky ,Glad you like it.. Love the pic..

[Mermaid Tears]

Brenda, so so sweet and lovely of you to do this with Chip and the Birds. Lovely. Bren, hope the day got softer. The photos are really wonderful, send them to be published.

As far as reading goes, many who lose a beloved can't read as they used to due to not being able to focus long enough. For me however, if I don't have someone elses' story to dive into, I am far too focused on my story and don't sleep as well, not that I sleep really well anyway, but I do love being in the midst of a book and wondering what might happen next. I never read as a child, could not read but came to love reading later on. Since I never read any classics besides, Little Women and Black Beauty, I figured oh well, going to read contemporary artists, 99% of them women. I love reading other women, Anne Patchett, Isabelle Alende' , Anne Lamott, Alison Smith, Barbara Kingsolver, Lesile Kagen, Sandra Kring, Haven Kimmel. So many wonderful stories to lead me away from the issues that haunt me in the night, take me into another realm and let me try those shoes on while I am there in their world. Because I like to write, reading others also is a way to be inspired.

Dee...I hope your back problems are getting better....walking is one of the best things to keep things limber and moving...and you do walk...good for you....books have always been my best friends....and my Old Authors are who I still turn to....Willa Cather....Somerset Maugham....Pearl S. Buck...(my favorite of her's is "The Time is Noon")....I can be so stressed...and all I have to do is start reading...any book or short story....and it is they way they fashion their words...(and they never use a 25 cent word ..where a 5 cent word will do)....into these amazing paragraphs...must be the cadence of their words....and I start to relax....but I do find myself being somewhat manic...and I know it is just that my mind is in mourning speed...and I try to keep the everyday..everyday normal going....once again...thank you for being here for all of us...

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I do read, but do not post too much. This site made me realize that others survived the death of a child...so maybe we can too.

It has been 4.5 years since I heard Brian's voice or saw his face, but we are finally able to smile when we think of Brian and laugh at his jokes even years later.

This site gives hope to those who have very little. I hope others, new to this journey, can find hope and eventually pass it forward. I never realized how many children die until my family lost Brian at 16.

Love to all of you

Colleen, Brian's mother forever

[shorty16]

Brenda,

Your sons name is Brian also. Did anyone ever spell it "Brain"?

My Brian had that happen at least a couple times a year and every time, it made me laugh!

Still does

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda,

Your sons name is Brian also. Did anyone ever spell it "Brain"?

My Brian had that happen at least a couple times a year and every time, it made me laugh!

Still does

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

Yep his own FATHER!! lol he liked to have never got it right.. believe it or not he is the only one I know of that did that.

[ericasmom]

Col, good to see you today. My computer was acting up so I could not get on till now, bedtime. I am bushed but that is how it is on Fridays especially, after a week of teaching third graders. They do keep me moving and keep me laughing too. But oh, they are loud.

Lora, glad that you liked the hearts yesterday. I showed them to my students too, they ooohed and ahhhed. I did as well. Yesterday marked a very sad day, 5 years since the shooter was in the lecture hall at NIU Northern Illinois University, and shot it up. My dear dear niece, Laura was in Cole Hall wtih her dearest friends when the shooter took aim, she crawled out with her friends, hearing and seeing tragedy all around. This event certainly traumatized her and all those in the lecture hall, so prayers for the survivors and prayers for all the family members that lost their loved ones that day. We sure do get what they are dealing with.

Susan and others that asked about my back, it is so much better thanks. I went back for my third appt. with chiropractor in three weeks and my back hardly needed adjustments, it is my foot! My left foot keeps having a nerve get entrapped so that it feels swollen at the top but it is not and it wakes me some nights feeling so achy, so he worked on it again. I think the nerve thing happened three weeks ago and so I walked a bit differently to compensate and that is what threw my back out. Pretty sure that this was why it was a different kind of back injury. SO onward with healing though if the nerve thing keeps happening, we will have to find out why. Thanks though, I am walking and today was able to get in the warm water pool at the gym for some gentle work. Felt so good.

Susan, yes, reading relaxes my mind, quiets my pounding thoughts so that I am walking with the main character instead of walking with my anxiety. I usually read fiction, women's contemporary and then every three books or so I read memoir. Most of what I love best is from a child's point of view and speaks to the era of my own childhood. Sandra Kring captures that as well as Leslie Kagen, both of whom live in Wisconsin. THere is so much humor and heart-wrenching and heart raising moments in both of these women's fiction and since they live and write their setting in the midwest, I am truly engaged. Haven Kimmel writes both memoir and fiction and I love both from her. But her memoir is very funny and also mid-west. Anne Patchett writes layers and layers of fiction, so detailed it intrigues me. I am a slow reader, I have a reading problem so it takes me along while to get through a book, but I cannot even go to bed if I don't have a book ready on the nightstand.

Del, i do hope your sweet hard working 8 year old grandgirl has a great time with you this weekend. I agree, it must be difficult for you to worry about her. It does seem she has a great inner strength and she definitely benefits from having you in her life. It is good that she is getting help at school with the social worker. I will keep her in my prayers. Is she in third or second grade?

[Mom of Chip]

Dee...our 8 year old Sami is in 2nd grade..Her birthday is in October. Yes, she does seem to be strong, but I worry that when she is 12 or so the realization of her daddy being gone will hit her in the face. Hopefully not, but I do worry about it. She is here now...we played some card games and read a little. She does seem starved for attention and I try to give her as much as I can without making her dependent on me. Her dad had her every other weekend and he devoted a lot of time to her..I think she connects me with him and expects the same from me as she got from him. I'm not as young as I used to be.....An 8 year old can tire me out. LOL..and I am glad that your back is getting better...Back problems are not fun.

Colleen...I can't imagine your pain in not being able to hear your dear Brian's voice...I feel so lucky that I have videos of Chip playing his guitar and speaking...For his birthday on July 6, the family and a lot of friends held a party for him..Friends and musicians from all over the Dallas area were there.They had a big jam session in our garage and we have about an hour's worth video of him playing and having a good time with his friends...We had no idea at the time that he had less than a month to live..We are so glad to have those memories recorded. He was so happy that day.

Good night to all....Pleasant dreams...May your angels visit you tonight.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, yes, when the trunk hurts, everything hurts. I am grateful for my chiro, been going to him for 28 years as my issues are chronic. I hope you have a good day at work and that your exercise this AM was good for your soul.

Yes, the trauma that my niece was a part of 5 years ago has left scars, and that came 4 years after she lost her cousin, they were close. So she is now almost 27 and a very wonderful young lady who has some deep anxiety. Love that Girl.

[halcottgirl368]

Hi, I have not been online since I posted here, honestly I was thinking that no one would even read what I wrote, and I was so wrong, thanks to all of you who were so kind and caring. Today, it has been exactly 2 weeks since my son, Richard in MS received the call about Cheri, it still feels like such a nightmare. I don't know how to greave. I just feel so empty inside and numb all over. I feel like if I was a stronger person, in so many ways, maybe she would be here today. Cheri had many problems, and one of those problems is what happened to her 2 weeks ago. I am afraid if I talk about this people will judge so I hold everything inside of me. I have done that since I was about 8 years old. I feel people have their own problems and don't need to listen to mind, so I just smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but this time, this time is so hard, Again, thank you to everyone who wrote to me.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I have not been online since I posted here, honestly I was thinking that no one would even read what I wrote, and I was so wrong, thanks to all of you who were so kind and caring. Today, it has been exactly 2 weeks since my son, Richard in MS received the call about Cheri, it still feels like such a nightmare. I don't know how to greave. I just feel so empty inside and numb all over. I feel like if I was a stronger person, in so many ways, maybe she would be here today. Cheri had many problems, and one of those problems is what happened to her 2 weeks ago. I am afraid if I talk about this people will judge so I hold everything inside of me. I have done that since I was about 8 years old. I feel people have their own problems and don't need to listen to mind, so I just smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but this time, this time is so hard, Again, thank you to everyone who wrote to me.

Hi, Cheri's mom, I just wanted to tell you when you came here you landed in the right place , you will never be judged in any way, the people here have nothing but compassion and we know what you are going through as far as losing your child, it's not our place to judge we are here to help , to listen to what ever you have to say , no matter what your daughter did in her life she is still your daughter once our children become adults we as parents cannot control the decisions they make we just love them anyway my son didn't always make the best decisions , he had his bad time with drugs but he also brought 5 of his 6 children in to this world and was a wonderful father. no one can ever say he wasn't . and you will find some lost their children to accidents, suicide, accidental drug OD ,cancer .. no matter how they passed they were still loved and that is why it hurts so much because we loved then with all of our hearts, . please do not ever be afraid to tell us about Cheri..but you share what you are comfortable with. we are here for you . Hugs Brenda

[ericasmom]

Cheri's Mom, glad that you are still reading and posting here and there. Really listen to what Brenda said, this is a safe place, we all have stories to tell and when comfortable, we do so. My girl was killed when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Michigan, nearly 10 years ago now. Finding out how to grieve is something like how kids learn to walk or how to access speech, it happens, little by little and with assistance. We are here for that, same as folks were here for us when we came to this very terrifying time in our lives. We all have had regrets in our lives, some associated with how we raised our kids, but the fact of the matter is we are human and we don't always do things the way we hoped we would, or they don't always turn out the way we hoped...I guess that last line is obvious. None of us knew how to grieve, only knew that we were grieving, there is not a wrong way to grieve, unless you are hurting yourself in some fashion. Grieving is individual to us all and yet universal in the traits at the same time. We listen and we care. Hopefully that alone will feel like a warm blanket on some cold nights.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS......Don't have a lot of time, so I'll just get busy posting.

Brenda---Love the avatar you put up of you and your dear son. also....the pic you made for

Chipsmom with the cardinals is so beautiful. You certainly have a talent for making such

nice pretty pics etc. Thanks for posting.

Betsy--- the porch rail boxes will be just lovely. Do you have any plans for what flowers

you will be putting in them?

Dee-----Oh...I'm the same when it comes to reading. While I may not have been very

attentive to reading in those early days/months after Davey's death,... in time....I got

back to reading. I love getting myself pulled into another's life dramas in the stories.

It 'takes me away' ....so to speak. For me,...it's a great escape.

Cheri'smom----You are so very new on this rough road of grief, and it is so understandable

that you feel numb. Please continue to come to BI when you wish. There's a lot of

good people here, and you can post whatever feelings you may have. Also, just reading

what others have to post can, in some ways, be very helpful. I have been on here for

going on 10 yrs.....along with Dee.. At first, after my son died, I just came on here and read

the posts....for almost a year before I decided to jump in and become a regular. I found

that just reading the posts gave me hope and a glimmer of light to keep on going, and

ways to cope with the awful sorrow that is part of the grief process. I sincerely hope that

you can keep coming to BI. Peace to you, friend.

Lora----Oh...sorry that you have pulled a muscle in your side. that can be sooooo painful,

I know. I hope that with some TLC, it will mend and become useable and no pain. I guess

it just takes time and treatment.

Colleen----Good to see your post. I do remember the different Brians whose moms were

on BI from time-to-time saying that someone misspelled the name and ended up with 'Brain'.

Becky----

The pic you made of JD on the skateboard is just so nice.

Mermaidtears----

I agree....Grief can, indeed, be felt in a physical way...as everyone here

can attest to. It can sometimes seem to affect every part of the body....especially the heart.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi, I have not been online since I posted here, honestly I was thinking that no one would even read what I wrote, and I was so wrong, thanks to all of you who were so kind and caring. Today, it has been exactly 2 weeks since my son, Richard in MS received the call about Cheri, it still feels like such a nightmare. I don't know how to greave. I just feel so empty inside and numb all over. I feel like if I was a stronger person, in so many ways, maybe she would be here today. Cheri had many problems, and one of those problems is what happened to her 2 weeks ago. I am afraid if I talk about this people will judge so I hold everything inside of me. I have done that since I was about 8 years old. I feel people have their own problems and don't need to listen to mind, so I just smile and pretend nothing is wrong, but this time, this time is so hard, Again, thank you to everyone who wrote to me.

Cheri's Mom, absolutely everything everyone here has said previously...is so very true. You are most welcome. Please do not feel nay pressure .Just go with your instinct. Take your time to find a place where you will feel comfortable. We truly do understand your pain. So, never ever feel you are alone. Please come here to just read or vent. This is a place where it is allowed. Yes, it is hard. Too hard to carry alone. We are here to listen and offer support and friendship. Love, Kate

[Guest]

..

[Mermaid Tears]

Cheri's Mom....I am learning a new 'education'....one thing that I have learned..and so many on this forum....it doesn't matter if your 'child' was 4 or 42.....died from cancer....a bullet....OD'd...suicide...car wreck...ran over...hit by a train...fell off a mountain...drowned....those may be the details of how our child 'passed'...and some do like to share their story....and some do when they feel that their hearts are ready....for some it is important...for some...it is still too raw...the one thing that unites us....is....we are all on this path of grieving and mourning...as you know...each path is different....and we can share what we are seeing...feeling...and learning. My path is going to be different than yours....and where we can't 'touch' you.....we do reach out with our hearts and hands....to give you our comfort and a lift 'up for air' ...as I call it. Grief is a very physical thing....and I will tell you at this time to 'self care'.....take very good care of yourself...be very good to yourself...now is the time to put yourself on the top of your list....and become a 'good selfish'....for awhile....if you feel like sitting on your couch all day in your panties and crying....do it.

If you feel like digging up all your flower beds....do it. This is the hardest 'test' I have ever had in this Life Lesson.....it is do-able. Everyone on this forum that will post and share have given me a 'hand up' in a way that no one around me can.....it is my life-line now.

[shorty16]

Mermaid tears

I totally agree. Does not matter how or how old..the fact is our child is dead and we are not.

That is where we all are..

Colleen Brian's mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Cheri's mom

We do not judge here. We are all too broken to judge anyone else.

My son was 16 when he decided to climb on the hood of a car and his friend drove very fast, lost control and hit a tree. Brian hit the ground and was dead within minutes.

The driver is now a convicted felon for homicide.

I cannot judge anyone. This was 4.5 years ago and we are finally getting our feet under us.

We can give you hope

Colleen Brian's Mom 4ever

[BrendaDup59]

I have found this to be a place where people will talk to me , I have a friend I have never met in person but I came to know her from one of my art sights she reached out to me , sent me a beautiful blanket , and a small gift for each of Brian's children and his 2 brothers , she calls me or writes . out of all of the people I have on my face book she is the only one... and she has never loss a child.. someone once told me God would put someone in my life that will be there for me and he did .. the only way I get a response on my face book is if I post a picture of Brian they will like it and some maybe even write something but not one ever just says Hey Brenda how are you? and it hurts some of them I have known more then 20+ years ... so I am so thankful for you all . I know right now I am going through the anger stage and find it so hard to read or post but I know you are here. . a lot of times I don't write because for me that has always been a hard thing for me to express myself ,I too worry that something will be taken wrong and not just on here but I have been that way my whole life and Brian was the same way , so I tend to just be quiet and not meant to come across as being rude. you would think being a hairdresser for 30+ years communication would not be a problem . but when I go to write something my mind just goes blank.. what I just want all of you to know is how much you all mean to me and how much you have helped me these last 11 months ..

Today it has been 11 months since I lost Brian and I think the last 3 months have been the hardest because last year at this time he was in my life with phone calls almost daily .I wish so bad I would have known he was planning this motorcycle trip with his friends but I had no idea,I would have tried everything I could to have kept him from going but I know my son NOTHING would have stopped him except RAIN that day ,then I go into thinking well he was having a wonderful time ,enjoying his life right before it happen ,I know he never thought he would not come home to his babies that day ,they were everything to him .I almost lost him in 2000 to a car accident but God or an angel was with him that day but the injuries he sustained kept him from getting so many jobs because of his back and hip pain , so he took care of the kids but so many people judged him mostly his wife's family .they did everything they could to make life even harder for him ,never giving the poor guy credit for raising his children . Brian had such a low self esteem manly because he tried his whole like trying to get his father and brother Brett's love and respect, I guess that's why him and I and my mom had such a close bond , I have more pictures of him with his kids then I have of Traci and the kids ..I would like to share some of them I miss and love him so much I don't know how to keep on going except that I have my grand children and Kaleb and I know he would want me to be there for them. well sorry so long just felt the need to tell you about my handsome son who I miss every second of the day. I just wanted to show the kind of father he was . Love you all Brenda

[ericasmom]

SO true Susan and Colleen. Always our Babies, always.

Brenda, love the photos you posted, and I love the new photo when you post. I remember being at the 11 month mark, I felt almost hyperactive, couldn't sit for long, sleep was poor, all of my energy was going to that date that was looming...how would I deal with the one year mark? Once the date passed I felt much more level, but the build up was horrendous.

Don't worry about not posting, just let us know you are around once in a while so that we can rest knowing you are as okay as you can be in this time. You know who Brian is in your heart and he loves you so completely for the support you have shown him all of his life. His smile, which is a mile wide, is shining on you and on his beautiful Kids.

Sun is shining and a walk later in the woods with husband, but before that a little work in the warm water pool at the gym. This helps my back. Peaceful day to you each.

[Mermaid Tears]

Brenda....thanks for sharing....I see a lot of "Pure Daddy Love" in those photos....and look at him kissing on those babies.....and we all know the 'physical' side of grieving....and that is what you have now....we all do....sometimes the pain will be softer....it is just so darn hard. We know that the relationship between a Grandparent and Grandchild is an amazing bond....I have 14 GRANDchildren....one born on Dec. 14th....and I am in awe of the timing of it all....this gift from Heaven....I sure did need him....after losing John David. Your son is not 'gone'...he has just 'gone' before you....

There are mornings I wake up....and I pray..."John David...it is ok....I know you wouldn't have left us unless you had to"......I am trying to tell him I am 'ok'.....and not to worry in Heaven about me...sorta like he and my other kids would tell me..."Mom..it's ok...don't worry"......then there will be that morning I wake up....and ....I just want him back. I can go through every grief stage in one day....it is tiring....that is why we simply must practice..."self care".

I know I do need to start walking again...

[Jeff's Mom]

I agree with Dee. The first year we drift in and out of reality. We block most of the time in an effort to soften the pain. The first couple of years when all special occasions arise that trigger memories that we know are going to send us into a downward spiral we come to dread with a passion. It is just so darned hard to do this. But what are the choices? There are none. We pick ourselves up and keep going. Each of us begins to find some relief in our own way. It starts small but eventually it does get a little better with patience and time. Family relations and friendships can become strained and many times broken as we try to find the new us. Certainly it happens at a time we should not have to be worrying about what others think. It's like learning to swim all over again. And it comes out of the blue. People dancing around you as if you are so fragile that you will fall into a heap if they look at you the wrong way. And often you want to do just that. You are hurting and darned it why should you be walking on eggshells worrying about pleasing others? It took me three years to find the strength to stand my ground. I truly can't say that the outcome has been what I would consider ideal. No, not in the least. But I can't choose how others will react. I can only control my own actions and words. The anger surfaces due to hurt and fear. Trying to find love again in a broken heart is a real effort. But it does come eventually. Life has to move forward. Death will always be. And it most certainly will come to each of us as well. For me it is almost standing back and watching myself transform into another person all together. This was not something I ever imagined possible until his death. I have seen all sides to me. And some I don't particularly like. I didn't even know I had these tendencies. His death has brought my own life into perspective. Put it under a microscope so to speak. How many people get that chance? He became the teacher in my life and I the student. He taught me about myself. Now the hard work really begins. Bringing the positive change into focus. I can only say to those that are new to this journey that you will survive this...as much as it may not seem like it right now. Stay strong and hold on to the belief that this is a temporary separation. Please try to focus on taking as good care of yourself as you possibly can. getting run down and sick will only make it harder. But there is hope and a better life ahead. They have not left us and we are not leaving them behind. They are with us every step of this journey. Thinking of everyone today.Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Thanks Dee and Mermaid Tears , I am really trying to not let my DIL family get to me ,my DIL just post how she is having a tear in her beer kinda day , worrying about the kids being her responsibility by herself , she has had financial help from us since my son was killed , but her sister continues to make comments that just are uncalled for , I want so bad to let the devil inside me take over and put her in her place but the better then she is side will win out .. so I just blocked her where I can not see what she writes . did I say I was at the anger stage...LOL trying really hard to just laugh it off. it breaks my heart to know what my son put up with her family but he knew he made his bed as they say .. my family has always treated Traci like one of us even though she was not Innocent in a lot of things that happen. oh well enough of that ... just had to vent there.. and you both are right I do believe God gave me Kaleb who looks and acts just like his brother because he knew I would need a reason to just get up every day .. Kaleb is from my second marriage and my husband had a vasectomy after we were married it took us a year to get the appointment and when she finally called me to set the date she said "your not pregnant are you ? and I remember saying Good heavens NO , he had it on Sept 7,01 , I found out Sept 16 ,01 that I was 5 weeks already! yep I was 42 and pregnant.. I cried for 3 days .. Brett graduated 2 weeks after I had Kaleb and I would not change a thing .. he is the love of my whole family .. it's just hard because he has mild autism adhd , and some OCD .. and is just a stubborn as his brother was . Brian loved Kaleb as if he was one of his own. Brett for some reason has never tried to bond with Kaleb and I don't know why Kaleb is crazy about them and it's so hard for him to understand what Brett has done well I have for some reason felt the need to write today .. lol Thanks for reading .I need to get up and cut his hair and do laundry ... Have a good walk Dee it is so pretty here but only it's only 33 and a little to cold for me. ,and Mermaid T , congrats on the new grand baby , hope you will post pics some day ..

Ps if anyone would like me to do a pic of their child on that program I use let me know I would be happy to do it.just send me a pic in a message . Love Brenda

[Mermaid Tears]

This is to all that have found their way to this forum.....I am in the midst of creating something...and these thoughts came to me and I had to share....it takes courage to reach out...courage to say "I am lost"....courage to say "it hurts"....and courage to let 'our broken hearts be bare'....and courage ..in our deep sadness....to want to help "with healing for others".....and we are brave and have courage...it may not be the kind they write about in books...or portray on the movie screen....but we are. Brave to keep putting one foot in front of the other...praying to understand....and then become better people for all of it....and not bitter broken down with self pity or hate....I think all of us have 'the family members' who stretch our spirits....but we will not allow our spirit to be broken with their actions....or non actions.....our love for our 'child' will let us rise above it all....and carry us for another footstep. I did not say it was easy...for it isn't....each of you have a 'hero heart'...

[ericasmom]

Hi Kate, how ya doing? How is your Hubby? As far as standing on your own feet, yes, it took some time for me to say, NO, to folks whose habits were draining my energy. I have worked hard to find balance and rhythm in this world and I had a friend that kept draining with both her actions and her words. She was my oldest friend but one year ago, I had to finally say, NO MORE. I meant it, I ended a friendship of 45 years because it no longer felt like friendship, felt like obligation and in that, a sense of such anger at her for all that she disregarded in this life. In the beginning of our loss, this friend was equating my loss with the break-up with a scum-bag of a man she was dating outside of her marriage. She actually said, " dee now I know how hard your loss must be." Because I knew how mentally unstable she was I let that one zing past my heart but I could never forget it. Her life continued to be like this, and one time she said, " how come you don't talk to me about Eri, about your grief?" I almost choked, well let's see, you equate the end of an affair with a creepy guy with my loss, hmmmm. She also had made fun of what I loved to do; take walks in the woods and be as close to nature as I could as I found great peace in this. I loved my friend, from early in our lives I knew she would always be needy and felt I needed to be her shoulder which I didn't mind being until year after year of total disregard of others lives, including her own. So sometimes we have to make a break with those whose lives cast a deeper anguish on our already tenuous hold on things.

I try to celebrate each day somehow, usually with my walks and with the folks I love and always with my love for Eri, so when that was being dampened, it was time to re-prioritize and it meant saying goodbye to a very old friend. I feel badly that I hurt her feelings, hurt her idea of me, but I hope that it showed her that it was time for her to find a better way to live if she expected anyone to walk along side her through her life. So I digress; suffice it to say that we find our lives change very much, like Kate, you stand back some days and see yourself morphing...it is a slow process but it is a process and along the way there will giant holes that swallow you up and there will be plateaus in which to rest, you may feel stuck when on one but you aren't, just needing to rest. There will be times of great joy, like standing on a hill with light all around you, on those days say " thank you God and Angels" because then we know that those days are possible and we relish them.

We are still here, we have a purpose, we don't always know what it is, but that will come in time.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Dee, we are doing ok. Thanks for asking. He is fast asleep at this moment. In fact that is about all he wants to do lately. His energy has been sapped completely. Still losing weight like crazy and very tired easily. Meals are easy to prepare as they consist of soft foods and things easy to digest. I completely understand about what you posted earlier about walking away from a toxic relationship. We grow in different directions at times and friendships just somehow dissolve as we no longer have things in common. Still, it is hard to walk away from years of investment in a friendship. If it was pulling you down then you most certainly did the right thing. At least we can choose our friends unlike relatives. I hope your swim helped your back problem. I bet it felt good to just relax in the pool. We are enjoying a relatively mild day today. I has been cloudy but temps are hovering at the -1C level. There has been a ton of snow this winter. I think they are calling for more over the next few days. This is a long weekend for us. It is the Louis Riel long weekend. Lots of Ice Festivals, etc. going on. The big thing that was a huge hit on Valentine's Day was the intro at the Zoo of a new Polar Bear cub called Hudson. He is a real ham and enjoyed all the attention he had when he made his debut. They have started a major multi million dollar revamping of the Zoo. Your kids would love it! Anyway, hope everyone had as decent a day as they could. Kate

[BrendaDup59]

sorry double post

[BrendaDup59]

Becky here is the one I was telling you about ( sorry if this picture offends anyone, my son loved to deer hunt but some get upset when they see pics like this .)

Dee here is the one I used not the prettiest... but I liked it.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, I like that bird photo, is it a grossbeak? Or is it a rosy something?

dee

[Sholl1955]

Well, it seems as if the weekends will continue to be hard but I know that part of it is the fact that March 14th is coming soon and the fact that last year February was horrible I continue to remember the pain, and suffering. Last night and today however I have been dealing with a new emotion. Anger. I am finding I am so angry at all of the family and loved ones who I thought would be by our side, but who have vanished over the year. Some were very close and some I never imagined would walk away. So, today, in my mind I told them all what I thought of them! Not the nicest of thoughts I will admit. Telling them in person or by email or mail would not accomplish a thing, as I have tried talking to them. So as crazy as it sounds i mentally told them. One that I hope will return to me is my dear daughter Rachel. I love her so and she has built such a wall around herself. I feel as if I have lost both my girls but will NEVER give up that she will one day find her way back. She loved Sarah dearly. So, I will continue to dread the anniversary. Wish I could go away until it is over but it would still be with me.

I think of you all and hope soon to be able to be helpful instead of complaining.

Sandy.

[ericasmom]

Sandy, the anger stage is normal and you need to let some of it out. Look how aligned you and Brenda are in the stage of anger and the dates that created this sadness. I so hope that Rachel will find a way to return to you and your husband. I imagine she feels the loss in so many ways and maybe it is with anger that she finds herself unable to step forward.

You are not complaining, you are expressing what is going on right now in your life. We all get that Sweetie and you have had additional sadness to go along with your grief so please know that we are holding you, you can let it out with us.

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda, I like that bird photo, is it a grossbeak? Or is it a rosy something?

dee

No just a male House Finch ..I did submit a couple more anyway .. I will post them.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends....I wanted to share something with you tonight as I may not be able to get here tomorrow...

I started a book, the most magical, wonderful amazing book. I began the first chapter on July 21, 1979 - it was named "Jessica". It was an amazing story of a beautiful baby / child / girl / woman who was a daughter, a best friend and a mommy. Each year I read a chapter, I lived a chapter - than suddenly it just stopped, part way through chapter 26 on February 18, 2006 the pages became blank. I spent a long time believing the story of Jessica had really ended, I was wrong. Her story, her life lives on through her family, her son and her friends...each year we continue another chapter together and although they are now pages filled with memories they are so very precious to me. I love you and miss you my sweet daughter and today I celebrate the 26 years we had together and I cry for the 7 years you have been gone....Your mom always

[BrendaDup59]

Dee Here are the other 2 I went ahead a sent in .. the one is a Female House Finch and the other is a male downy woodpecker

[ericasmom]

Brenda, love those photos, anytime you want to share your birds with me, do. Love them. Thanks.

I am shocked that the rose colored one is a house finch, I think my book says that we have rose finches here, the house finch here is not rose colored. Beautiful. Love that Downy too.

[ericasmom]

JESSICA Beautiful Angel, this date is so very hard on your family, so flutter next to them today and let them feel your presence, let them feel your love in that warm deep way that you do. Touch them each so that they know that you are near no matter how long ago it was that your footsteps could be seen in the sand. Sweet Summer Girl, your essence remains.

All the colors of the ocean are sweet reminders of the days and nights of Jessica.

[shellyku]

JESSICA...SUMMERGIRL - Drift past your mama and give her a sense of your peace and love. Surround her with the joy she felt on the day you came to her, the joy that you feel always!

[Guest]

,.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Brenda, Here it is without the deer! Not too bad for using a cell phone pic. Hope you like it!!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica!! Touch your mom and your son today in a special way to let them know you're near. ((Hugs)) to you Kathy and to Tavian. (I love seeing pictures of his curly hair.) I know Jessica is so proud and happy for the care and love you give to each other.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thoughts and prayers for Jessica's spirit and soul....for family and friends...

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda, Here it is without the deer! Not too bad for using a cell phone pic. Hope you like it!!

I JUST LOVE IT !! I want to put that on the front with woods behind him and maybe some deer standing there, then the other side I wanted the pic of him looking up and smiling like he is looking at his kids names and have their names on it and I found this verse to go on ..

You still live on in the hearts and minds

Of the loving family you left behind.

now just hope it is in my budget ..but thanks again Love Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

My thoughts and prayers for you today Kathy ,I pray Jessica gives you a big hug to let you know she is always with you and Tavian Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of you today Kathy. Hoping that Jessica surrounds you with her love, as you hold the beautiful memories close to your heart.

[ericasmom]

Hello Gang,

I am sitting at home after doing some cleaning, some long awaited cleaning, and enjoying President's Day off school. I am grading papers and staying busy but without a schedule which makes everything more relaxed. Nice.

Husband and I enjoyed our woods-walk yesterday, I just need to remember not to over-do. My back reminds me to do things in small increments. The walk was perfect. Earlier I was in that warm water pool which is lovely but I may have done a bit too much, so today, no gym, just take it easy and do my stretches.

Anyhow, the wind is blowing but apparently later it will howl like a coyote. Warm,unusually warm temps until later when the wind and rain/snow mix begin. The rollercoaster winter.

Love to All

[Guest]

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[briansdad]

Kathy, here you go....as always.